


A Wolf with Wings

by StarstruckKittenSweets



Series: Wolves of the Walls [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Blood and Violence, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Time, Graphic Description of Corpses, Loss of Virginity, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Non-Penetrative Sex, Past Sexual Abuse, Rough Sex, Sensuality, Sexual Tension, Sexual Violence, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:15:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 49
Words: 432,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22416865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarstruckKittenSweets/pseuds/StarstruckKittenSweets
Summary: "The wolf does not lie on its back and follow those who chain it. The wolf does not protect the cage built around it. The wolf runs free, with only itself as its master."Mia Wolf longs for true freedom from the monsters lurking beyond the walls that protect the remnants of humanity. For years she has suffered, watching her fellow Scouts fall to these demons. She struggles to find someone who understands her pain - in the form of the silver-eyed Scout from the Underground city. ((Levi x Mia (OC))) Volume I of "A Wolf with Wings"
Relationships: Levi & Original Female Character(s), Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Female Character(s), Levi Ackerman/Mia Wolf
Series: Wolves of the Walls [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1613296
Comments: 410
Kudos: 413





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! If you happened to stumble upon this story, thank you for clicking on it! This is my first SnK/AoT story I've ever written, and I'm a little nervous about posting it on here. Personally, I think attempting a Levi/OC story is a huge feat, and I don't know whether or not I can pull off something so complex and layered. But I'm willing to try! I hope you guys enjoy it. :)

|I|

The city was unusually quiet tonight. It had been too long since I was last inside Wall Sina, and I was in no rush to return. However, the crowds below only spoke in hushed whispers, and the air was calm and musty. The scent of smoke from the factory towers was not as strong as it usually was, and the stars were as bright as ever against the inky black sky.

A yawn erupted from beside me, and the woman next to me stretched out her arms. “Haven’t you sat out here enough for one night?”

I nudged her shoulder as I felt a smile crawl up my face. I could see my own reflection in her shiny glasses—she hadn’t even bothered to switch them out for her goggles tonight. “Not yet. It’s never this quiet; might as well enjoy it while I can.”

She yawned again, her yellow shirt crinkling as she twisted her body to stretch herself out. “But it’s so late! Come on, Mia, enough is enough.”

I shook my head. Hanji was more of an early bird: she snapped herself awake every single morning a few minutes before the sun rose up from the horizon and worked until the early evening. But I was more of a night owl—I loved gazing back at the moon and stars, feeling the misty air of the blackest nights swallow me up in its embrace. These kinds of nights reminded me of home, and while I loved Hanji with all my heart, she couldn’t replace the family waiting for me back home.

Hanji let out a groan, dropping her head onto my shoulder in defeat. She wouldn’t leave me out here all alone—not since that incident when we were both fifteen. We were glued to the hip ever since we met back in our training days, and our bond only grew stronger as time went on.

I took a deep breath, letting the misty air lull me into a peaceful state. Times like these were few and far between, what with the constant threat of the Titans lurking beyond the Walls and the added pressure of the government. Between the bloodshed and public humiliation, I—and my fellow Scouts, like Hanji—barely had time to breathe. It was nice to just sit back and take a break once in a while.

Thinking of the Walls reminded me of Shiganshina. My fists tightened in my lap at once. _I wonder how Ma is doing… And how are Leyna and Ben? Are they safe? What are they doing right now?_

I swallowed, peering down into the streets below. Leyna was within Wall Sina, stationed among the most elite soldiers of the Military Police. Although the chances of running into her were high, I prayed she would steer clear of me.

Hanji noticed my stiff nature immediately. She shook her head, straightening herself next to me. “Still thinking of that sister of yours again, huh?”

She could read me like one of the many books she used to sneak into our sleeping quarters when we were twelve. Every night we would take turns sleeping in either my top bunk or her bottom one and hide under the covers with one of her latest page-turners. Of course, our instructor would yell at us if we were sleepy the next morning and refused to pay attention, but we couldn’t care less. Running those extra laps around the field were worth it to spend some time with my best friend.

“Maybe…” I kept my eyes glued onto the streets, trying to lose myself in the swarm of civilians below. “Do you think she’s okay?”

My friend of eleven years scoffed, placing her hands behind her head. “Oh please, I wouldn’t worry too much about her. She’s probably better off than any of us right now, coddled up in the interior. I mean, she has it easy! I wouldn’t lose sleep over her, I’m sure she’s doing just fine.”

Of course she would say that. She never was the biggest fan of my sister, especially in our days as cadets. Leyna was always the self-proclaimed “mother” of me and our brother, asserting herself as the one in charge whenever our own parents weren’t around. When we enlisted in the military, it only got worse. And of course, those bitter feelings only worsened when she joined the Military Police and I joined the Survey Corps with Hanji.

It’s not like I _wanted_ to have a rocky relationship with my sister, but she just made it so difficult for me to sympathize with her sometimes. She always found an excuse to stick her nose in everybody else’s business, and she constantly compared herself to me and our brother, Ben. No matter how far Ben excelled in the classroom, Leyna had to come out on top with the best grades. No matter how much I practiced with our ODM gear in the field, she always had to surpass me. And she wasn’t subtle or humble about it either, which was the most infuriating thing about her. She made her superiority known to everyone around her.

Despite the sibling rivalry and nonstop bickering between us, I still couldn’t get her out of my mind. I hadn’t seen her for the better part of four years, going by the last time we met up at our home in Shiganshina. However, I still cared about her, and I wanted her to be safe. I had seen the horrors of the outside world with my own eyes, and what I wanted most in the world was for both my brother and sister to be far away from them as possible.

“Maybe you’re right…” I leaned back on the rooftop, stretching my arms out behind me. The two of us had been out here on the rooftop of the castle for hours. Even though I was enjoying our time together, I was getting a little tired. “Hanji, you think it’s time to head back?”

She sprang up at once. “Thought you’d never ask! Come on, let’s go!” Her brown boots scraped the tiles softly as she began to make her way down to the window below. “You coming or what?”

I sat up straight, pulling my knees up to my chest. “I’ll be there soon. Don’t send Flagon after me, please.”

Her face fell at the mention of my squad leader’s name. She gave me a soft smile, trying to keep my spirits up. “I won’t, don’t worry. But make sure you’re in soon—you don’t want to get him angry.”

I nodded, waving goodbye to her. After returning it, she leapt off the rooftop and onto the balcony below. I could hear her soft footsteps as she swung in through the window and disappeared into the castle.

I only had a few more minutes left before Flagon came after me, with or without prompting from Hanji. I knew I could trust her to keep a secret, but Flagon had a mind of his own, and a tendency to keep a close eye on his subordinates. It didn’t help that he was already wary of me, so it was best to stay on his good side for as long as possible.

I stood up on the roof tile, gazing up at the moon above. My mind flew back to Leyna and Ben, and my mother back in Shiganshina. It was comforting to know we were still under the same moon and within the same three Walls. Despite the dangers lurking beyond our borders, my family was safe for the time being. That was all I could ask for.

With a sigh, I stepped down from the rooftop and onto the balcony. I took in my last breath of clear, quiet Sina air before following my friend into the confines of the castle.

|~|

The current year was 844, and I was reaching my twenty-third year of life. No one in the Survey Corps really celebrated birthdays anymore, so it wasn’t a big deal. But Hanji and I were a different story. For two days a year—the fifteenth of June and the fifth of September—and depending on the situations facing the Scouts at the time, we would spend the day wandering the streets of Shiganshina and Trost. We wouldn’t necessarily shop, but we would just walk around and enjoy each other’s company. Sometimes we would pop by and see our families—my mother wasn’t particularly fond of Hanji, but she appreciated her friendship, and Hanji’s father enjoyed the fact I seemed to bring a sense of sanity to his daughter. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I had a tendency to encourage her bizarre antics rather than discourage them, but he seemed to approve of me all the same.

However, it appeared we wouldn’t be able to do that this month, since we were caught up in Wall Sina on “personal business,” as our commander called it. It made me feel uneasy; Scouts didn’t belong in the smallest city within the Walls. We belonged in the outside world, slaying Titans and keeping humanity safe. We didn’t exactly have time for this “personal business” or whatever it was called.

Our commander had called us into the main hall of the castle early in the morning. Not all of the Scouts were permitted to leave our base in Wall Rose and travel to the castle for this special mission. Only a few squads were given the okay, including Flagon’s. There were ten in total, including Commander Keith Shadis.

He was an intimidating man with the power to silence anyone with a single glare (although for some odd reason, Hanji found him attractive). His eyes were sharp and cold, and he was a beast in the field against the Titans. But he cared fiercely for the men and women under his command—a welcome contrast to our previous commander.

“Scouts, we have been summoned to the capital on a mission to the Underground. However, only a select few of you will be permitted to go.”

 _The Underground_. The name bounced around in my brain, ringing all sorts of bells. I had visited it only once before, when I was six years old, and I begged my father to let me come with him on his own “special mission.” All I knew was that it was a secret city underneath Wall Sina designed to act as a last resort for citizens to escape to in case the Titans broke through all three Walls. Luckily, that never happened, and it was left as an unfinished project.

“The worst of the worst roam the streets, so I need the best of you. You will accompany Squad Leader Erwin Smith. He will explain the mission. Squad Leader, you may select your Scouts.”

Erwin Smith, nodding, stepped forward next to the commander. He was an older, handsome blond man with pronounced eyebrows and gorgeous blue eyes. He rarely smiled, but when he did, it seemed to calm everyone around him. He was well-respected among the Scouts, albeit he had some outlandish ideas. He and Hanji were an incredible team when they worked together.

“Thank you, Commander.” Erwin turned to our small group of Scouts, inspecting each and every one of us with those piercing blue eyes. As they melted into my own, I cast my eyes down toward the ground. No need to draw attention to myself. “Mike Zacharias. Charles Weber. Mia Wolf.”

I jolted as my name left his lips—and from the corner of my eye, I could see Flagon was just as surprised as I was. As Mike and Charles stepped up—both skilled soldiers in their own right—I stayed behind. I bit my lip, suddenly aware of my squad leader’s eyes on me.

“Squad Leader, with all due respect, I don’t think I’m ready for such a serious mission—”

“I couldn’t agree more, sir,” Flagon piped up, “especially considering her _recent history_.”

Shame flooded over me at his words. There was no need to bring up that incident. I was perfectly aware I was in the wrong then, and I still hadn’t made up for the mistakes I had made. The mistakes that had cost my comrades their lives.

But Erwin shook his head. “Nonsense, Wolf. You have an impressive record, and you are exceptional in the field. We need you on this mission.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but a sharp jab in the ribs from Hanji silenced me. I knew I would get an earful from her later if I didn’t accept Erwin’s proposal, so I simply nodded and stepped forward next to Mike and Charles. I avoided eye contact with both of them. They hadn’t messed up like I had in the last few months.

Commander Shadis addressed the other Scouts, “The rest of you, disband. We will regroup later on, once Erwin and his squad have returned. You are dismissed.”

Before Erwin lead us away from the group, I caught Hanji’s eye, and she gave me a reassuring wink. While she had confidence in my abilities, I was less than amused. Usually, I would have more faith in myself, but _that incident_ had left me shaken up. I could still feel Rosalie’s blood between my fingers.

Erwin lead us into the courtyard outside the castle, away from the other Scouts. Once we were out of earshot, he turned to us, speaking in a hushed tone. Whatever this “personal business” was, it was pretty serious.

“Tonight, we will be entering the Underground city. There have been reports of some individuals using stolen ODM gear within the city, causing trouble and engaging in criminal activity. We have been summoned to Wall Sina to deal with these criminals.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. Non-military personnel using ODM gear? And _stolen_ ODM gear, at that? It was unheard of, especially in the rich inner-city districts and the capital. If they managed to use it efficiently, they had to be incredibly skilled. No average citizen could simply work with ODM gear and stay in one piece.

“There’s no telling how skilled these criminals are, so I want you all to be on high alert. Do not take any chances with them, do not be afraid to use force. However, the objective is to disarm and subdue them, not to kill them. We need to see them in action first.”

I fought the urge to raise my eyebrow at this. Erwin was full of crazy ideas, and this sounded like one of them. No wonder Shadis had put him in charge of this mission.

Charles raised his hand, and when Erwin nodded to him, he spoke in a timid voice: “Are we allowed to tell any other Scouts about this mission? I just want to let Anna know I won’t be available tonight.”

I hid my smirk from him at the mention of his girlfriend. It was dangerous to have a significant other in the military, especially when you were both in the Survey Corps. However, that didn’t mean it couldn’t be done. My parents managed to make it work until my dad retired, so in my eyes, Anna and Charles deserved a fair shot. Besides, they were adorable together.

Personally, I couldn’t imagine having a fellow Scout as my boyfriend. I had always approached the subject with a skeptical attitude, given my experiences with guys in the past. Especially after my recent accident, I didn’t want to get too attached to anyone new. Hanji was the only exception, since I’d known her since we were both cadets, but other than that, I was a loner socially. Hanji had tried and failed multiple times to get me out of my comfort zone, especially in these past few months, but I had always turned her away. I wasn’t friend material, so why should I qualify as girlfriend material?

“You can tell her where the mission is taking place, but no more,” Erwin answered softly. “Do not share any details about who we are after or why. The less people know about this, the better. Any more questions?” He was met with silence. “I expect you to be in this courtyard immediately after dinner. Do not be late. You are dismissed.”

|~|

The rest of the day was uneventful, with the impending mission looming over me. I couldn’t take my mind off of the criminals lurking beneath the city with ODM gear in their possession. How they even came into contact with such equipment was beyond me, since soldiers rarely ventured into the underground. Perhaps they had gotten them from the Military Police—they were always the most careless ones of the bunch, compared to the Scouts and Garrison soldiers.

Of course, I had blabbered to Hanji the moment I had met up with her. Ever since I was little, I couldn’t keep things to myself for long periods of time. I didn’t tell her everything—I explained the vow of secrecy to her—but she was satisfied with the little bit I was able to share with her.

“The Underground is extremely dangerous, so they need the best of the best to help them out down there. You should be honored Erwin chose you! He’s got a great eye for gifted soldiers.”

“I guess so.” I flopped back down on the large bed of our shared room. I stared up at the ceiling, counting the spots and stains to avoid her eyes. _Three, two, one…_

“Speaking of gifted soldiers,” she began, adopting a sharp tone, “why did you almost refuse this mission? Erwin sees your skill in the field, offers you a great position, and you almost _reject_ him?! What is _wrong_ with you, Mia?”

Her disappointed face came into view on my right side, with her arms crossed and her eyes slanted behind those shiny glasses. I almost laughed out loud at her pitiful expression. But then I remembered _why_ I almost rejected Erwin, and my smile evaporated immediately. I shook my head and fiddled with the long sleeves of my pale green shirt.

She once joked I was the most predictable book she could read. With a heavy sigh, she moved around the bed and laid down next to me, her head touching my own. Her messy ponytail brushed against my cheek; I batted it away when it started tickling my face.

“What happened to Rosalie and Emmett wasn’t your fault—”

“They were my squad, and I let them down. You won’t convince me otherwise.” I was put in charge of them, to protect them, and they both paid the price for my ignorance. Their blood was on my hands, and no matter how many good deeds I tried to accomplish, I’d never be able to wash it off.

“We all lose people in the field, you know that.” Hanji’s voice was softer now. “It’s something that just happens. But the best thing we can do is move on for their sake. In the end, we have to make their sacrifices worth it. We have to honor them and keep working toward our goal. You know this, Mia.”

And I did. But Emmett’s screams and Rosalie’s terrified face were still fresh in my mind. My squad had been killed on my watch. Those two were my responsibility, and I had let them down. Sometimes I still saw them in my dreams.

But I knew if I didn’t let them go, it would be worse for me in the long run. I had seen too many Scouts who were unable to stomach the horrors that awaited us outside Wall Maria and eventually ended their own lives with a knife or a gun to the head. They woke up screaming in the middle of the night because all they saw were their dead comrades staring back at them. I didn’t want to end up like them. I didn’t want my siblings, my mother, or Hanji to find my bruised and bloody body in the woods somewhere. They didn’t deserve that.

At the same time, though, I felt guilty. Because of me, Emmett and Rosalie weren’t able to return to their families. I swallowed hard as I remembered visiting their families with Commander Shadis. I remembered the wails of Emmett’s mother and the holes Rosalie's father punched in the wall of their little cabin in Karanes District. I remembered handing over Rosalie’s patch from the sleeve of her uniform jacket—the Wings of Freedom—to her older brother. I remembered how Emmett’s mother cradled her son’s patch against her cheek, her tears slipping down her face.

I was responsible for them, and I had let both them and their families down.

“I just miss them…”

Hanji’s hand ghosted over my shoulder. “I know. I miss ‘em, too.”

_I won’t let them down. And tonight, when I go with Erwin and the others, I won’t make any more mistakes._

|~|

The Scouts were served dinner in the largest hall of the castle whenever we visited the capital. None of us wanted to be in the same room as the Military Police, but unfortunately, we weren’t able to make the decisions. Hanji and I sat next to each other, to the surprise of no one. The rest of the Scouts knew how close we were; in fact, I was one of the few who could actually tolerate Hanji’s scientific rants and numerous tangents she tended to go on.

The table we sat at stretched from one end of the hall to the other—long enough to fit both the ten Survey Corps members and the multiple soldiers that made up the interior Military Police. My sister was one of them, and she had taken the seat right across from me.

She was stunning, lest to say. She always had been, even at a young age, with her golden hair only she had inherited from our mother, and those gorgeous green eyes. But looks could only get you so far, and she couldn’t fully grasp that concept yet, even after eight years.

The two of us avoided each other’s eyes during the meal. We had been served a banquet of fresh meat and vegetables—both extremely rare within the Walls, especially the outlier districts where we were from. In Shiganshina, we were lucky enough to get a hunk of venison or wild boar once every six months. Here in Wall Sina, every meal was served with a side dish of steaming, mouth-watering meat. It had been so long since we’d had a real fulfilling meal, and my stomach almost couldn’t take it.

The soldiers quietly murmured to each other, keeping mostly to their comrades. Scouts talked with Scouts, and MPs talked with MPs. We had to be civil, but that didn’t mean striking up random conversations with them.

I felt something nudge my leg from underneath the table. _Leyna_.

“How’s life in the Survey Corps, Mia?” She sent me a small, almost genuine smile. She was trying, I had to give her credit for that. “We don’t see each other much anymore…”

“No, we don’t.” I had to keep this short and sweet. I couldn’t push any of her buttons, especially in front of her fellow soldiers. “And it’s fine, thank you for asking. Everything okay here?”

“Mostly. A few criminals to bust here and there, but it’s usually just paperwork and surveying the city. Nothing interesting has happened here yet. What about you? You guys went on an expedition a few months ago, right?”

I shoved the memories of my deceased squad further back into my mind. No need to bring them up to my sister, of all people. “Not the best. We suffered quite a few casualties, but we’re closer to our goal.” _Oh, how I wish that were so._

Leyna’s eyes sharpened. Uh-oh. I had said something wrong, hadn’t I? “It’s still a dangerous job, Mia. You could’ve been one of those casualties.”

“I’m only doing what we were trained to do,” I replied as coolly as I could. “We joined the military to learn how to fight the Titans, and that’s what I plan to do. It’s a waste to hone those skills just to never use them in the field.”

I couldn’t help the snarky attitude that slipped into my voice. This was a sore spot between me and Leyna: for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why she would strive to be the top of the class in slaying Titans, only to cower behind the innermost walls and never face one in real life. She was more than capable in taking care of herself; she had ranked number one in our cadet class, for crying out loud. If she never planned on contributing to our fight against the Titans, why did she agree to enlist in the military in the first place?

At least Ben was trying to apply his skills to the real world. As part of the Garrison, he encountered Titans more often than the Military Police, but not as much as the Scouts. Although I didn’t agree with his choice, I still had to admit it, he was trying to make a difference. He decided to protect the citizens from the Titans and keep them safe. Meanwhile, Leyna spent her days chasing after petty criminals running around the castle.

My sister narrowed her eyes, her fingers curling into white fists on the surface of the table. “I do plenty already at my job, thank you very much. It’s not like we slack off over here.”

I bit back a laugh. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to tell her about that time Hanji and I found a group of MPs in one of the main conference rooms, kicked back with a bottle of booze and caught up in an enticing game of poker. Maybe some MPs _did_ actually work, but they were few and far between.

But my reaction only angered Leyna even more. “At least I’m not surrounded by corpses all the time. I’m proud of the branch I’ve chosen, Mia. Can you say the same?”

Hanji sucked in a sharp breath, nearly dropping her fork onto her empty plate. My sister’s words were a slap in the face; I felt dread and guilt slowly creeping into my chest.

 _Could_ I say the same thing about the Scouts? What she had said was true—the Survey Corps had the highest mortality rate among the three branches of the military, due to our constant contact with Titans. Every expedition we went on, we lost at least nine good men and women. I remembered my first trek beyond the walls at sixteen years old, and how I nearly pissed myself with fear the minute I saw a Titan. Those teeth, those meaty hands, the way the Abnormals sprinted. They were terrifying—even to this day, they lurked in the darkest corners of my mind, paying me visits in my nightmares.

The girl across from me never felt that fear. She chose not to put herself in that position. I, however, made myself join the Scouts, even when I knew what awaited me.

“Whatever, Leyna.”

Ignoring Hanji’s outstretched hand, I stormed up from my seat and made my way out of the hall. I didn’t have to sit here and take this from her.

So much for healthy family relations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still trying to flesh out Mia's character, so if she seems a little annoying right now, it's by design. She's somewhat based off of me when I was younger, and looking back on it now, I was really annoying. I'm taking the first few chapters to establish her through her interactions and memories of her siblings, and I promise the story will pick up once Levi enters the picture.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a beginning note: while this story (or series) intends to follow the events of the anime/manga, it will also act as somewhat of a prequel story. I want to add more to the story and dabble in briefly-mentioned events of the manga, as well.

|II|

I met Erwin outside in the courtyard just as the sun was sinking below the horizon. He seemed surprised I was the first one there, fiddling with my ODM gear, but he didn’t question it. Instead, he simply nodded to me and waited for the other soldiers.

I did my best to shove Leyna’s words from earlier in the back of my mind. I was about to embark on a dangerous mission in the Underground—the last thing I needed was my annoying sister chiding me like she was my mother instead of my sibling.

But that was just how she was. She didn’t feel complete unless she was chiding me and Ben, mimicking our poor mother whenever she left the room. Leyna saw it as her sole duty to watch over us, but not even in a protective older sibling way—she just loved bossing us around.

As I threw my green cloak over my shoulders, I let out a sigh. _Oh, well. At least no one but Hanji had witnessed our little spat in the dining hall._ Erwin was incredibly observant, and if he didn’t notice and confront me about it, I was in the clear.

Mike and Charles joined us in the courtyard a few minutes later, equipped with full ODM gear and ready to work. Soon after, a carriage arrived at the opened gates. The driver directed two brown horses who snorted heavily. The sight of them reminded me of my own steed, Edel, who was safe and sound at the Survey Corps stable.

“Are you the soldiers Commander Shadis told me about?” he huffed, scanning us with tired brown eyes. “On the way to the Underground City?”

“Yes,” Erwin replied. His voice was firm and clipped—no room for questions. The driver grunted at this and motioned for us to climb in.

I had only been in carriages a handful of times in my life. My family was too poor to afford one when we lived in Ehrmich, and almost no one but business owners owned them in Shiganshina. But I had always hated the small compartments and the cramped feeling they gave me. I hated pulling my knees up so they wouldn’t touch the person either next to or across from me. I hated how the tiny windows teased me with fleeting images of the world outside. I much preferred horseback riding to get around from place to place.

But in Sina, the horses were tethered tightly and restricted from moving around freely. Much like humanity in these three Walls.

Biting my lip and wringing my hands together, I found myself gazing out the sliver of window the carriage granted me. It would be a while before we got to the gates of the Underground City.

|~|

_My father was the bravest man I knew. Even at four years old, I idolized him and longed to follow in his footsteps. As a member of the Survey Corps, he paced around the crowded city of Ehrmich District with his three children and loving wife at his side. My mother’s friends always spoke highly of him, saying how nice it was that he worked to eradicate the Titans from our world, making it safer for his children and everyone else within the Walls._

_But of course, not everyone saw the brave hero me and my siblings saw. Some—more like most— of the people in town saw him and the other soldiers of his branch as liabilities, or freeloaders living off their taxes, whatever that meant. Ben later explained it to me: apparently it meant they thought he didn’t do any real work, and he was just wasting his time with the rest of the Survey Corps._

_While Leyna stayed at home with Ma, Dad took me and Ben with him to the nearby market to pick up a few things for dinner. Ben rode up high on his shoulders, gazing at the people around us. I tried hiding my disappointment—it was his turn to ride on Dad’s shoulders, after all._

_The market wasn’t like the others of the districts around it, apparently. This one had a roof over the heads of its shoppers, which allowed many different stands to come underneath it and advertise their products. Most of them knew my father, and while they weren’t huge fans of him or his chosen military branch, they were still respectful toward him._

_The elderly woman who ran the fruit stand was especially nice to us. No matter what day it was, she always let me and Ben (and Leyna, whenever she was with us) choose a piece of fruit and take it home with us. She wouldn’t make us pay for them, even though Dad insisted. She simply told us it was her way of thanking Dad for his service in the military. “Besides,” she would always add, “I have plenty to spare. Let the little ones have their fun!”_

_This visit was no different. I always chose an apple for myself, and Ben would choose an orange. Dad picked an apple for himself, as well, and he had me add in a pair of peaches for Ma and Leyna back home. The woman—Ms. Kraus—had that same kind smile on her face when we arrived at her stand, and it never left, even when we prepared to leave._

_“Have a good evening, my dears.” Then she turned to my father and rested her hand on his own. “Thank you for your service, son. It really means a lot. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, your efforts are appreciated.”_

_Dad laughed almost nervously—weird, he was never nervous—and pat her hand in an awkward manner. “Oh, well, you’re very welcome. I only wish I could do more to help.”_

_“Nonsense. You’ve done quite enough already.”_

_Suddenly, my father winced and grabbed the back of his head. Ben, who was still on his shoulders, held on for dear life as he nearly toppled over. A pear rolled past my feet on the pavement. When I looked up to see where it had come from, I saw a big burly man with a dark scowl on his face. He was breathing heavily, like throwing the pear had put extra strain on him._

_My jaw dropped. He threw something at my father! And he hit him! Why would he do that? We didn’t even know him!_

_“You and your buddies aren’t welcome here, pal!” the nasty man shouted at us. With a thick gurgle, he spat at the ground behind Dad and Ben, making my stomach churn. I turned away in a hurry; I didn’t want to stare at that mess any more than I had to._

_His words had drawn the attention of a few bystanders, and while some of them walked around us and continued on their day, some of them lingered behind to watch the spectacle. One man even stepped up and addressed the burly man angrily, “He’s with his kids! Have you no decency?”_

_By this time, Dad had recovered from the assault on his head. He placed Ben down on the ground—who whimpered when he was taken from his throne on his shoulders—and turned to the burly man. “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t intend to cause any trouble.”_

_I gasped out loud. Why was he apologizing? If anyone should apologize, it should’ve been the burly man. He was the one who threw the pear in the first place! Dad did nothing wrong!_

_“You’ve been causing trouble by doing nothing but suckling at the government’s teat!” the burly man screamed. I could almost see a vein bursting from his bright red forehead. “My taxes go toward keeping you bastards fat and healthy, and then you have the gall to come into my district—”_

_“That’s enough,” Ms. Kraus spoke up. Her voice was sharp and mean—it honestly scared me. No one, not even Ma could have spoken more harshly than she did that day. “You go on out of here. Leave this man and his children alone. They have no quarrel with you.”_

_The burly man’s eyes trailed down to Ben, and then to me. His fingers flexed into tight fists as he glared at us. “Oh, I see, you have your brats with you. Following in your father’s footsteps, huh?”_

_Was he talking to us? I couldn’t tell._

_At this, my father stepped closer to the man. “Don’t address my children like that. You have a problem with me—they are innocent.”_

_The burly man simply scoffed. “Wait until your bitch back home—”_

_It happened so fast: Dad reeled his arm back and punched the man square in the jaw, sending him to the dusty ground. The man coughed up dirt and spit. A flash of white melded in with the dirt. Was that a tooth?_

_But the man was up on his feet a moment later. Red streaks glimmered on his chin, and his eyes were sharp and slanted. But Dad didn’t back down._

_“You think you’re invincible because you’re a soldier, is that it? You think nobody can touch you because you got the government behind you, right?” With that, he swung at my father, who ducked and evaded every hit. “You’re nothing! Do you hear me? You’re nothing!”_

_Another good punch to his face sent him flying into the dirt. This time, however, he didn’t get up. He only groaned on the ground, his hand covering his nose._

_Dad shook out his right hand—his punching one—and straightened himself up. His eyes roamed the crowd of people around us, who all had fairly mixed reactions. While some were nodding their approval, others were shaking their head. A few were even mumbling under their breath._

_“If anyone has a problem with me, I will address it,” he announced to the bystanders. “But my wife and children are off limits. No one approaches them or bothers them. They will not answer to any crimes I may have committed.”_

_But Dad had never committed any crimes, right? He wasn’t a bad person. He was the best!_

_The crowd was silent as he took both me and Ben by the hands and led us home. On the way to our small cottage in Ehrmich, I brushed my fingers over the bruised skin of his knuckles. He took that guy down so fast I couldn’t even keep up with him. He really was amazing._

_I couldn’t wait to tell Leyna what she had missed!_

|~|

I chuckled at the memory. While Leyna found our story to be awesome, Ma didn’t see the appeal in it. She told Dad he couldn’t be so foolish and irresponsible, especially when we were with him. But I told her he only did it to a bad guy—if he hadn’t knocked him out, there was no telling what we could’ve gotten ourselves into. But I don’t think she listened to me.

The carriage suddenly stopped, with the driver pulling on the brown horses. Outside the window, I could see a large black gate with two Military Police members standing on guard. Behind them, a large stairwell could be seen, leading into the ground below.

Erwin and I were the first ones to get out, with Mike and Charles following close behind. As we approached the MPs, they eyed us coldly. It didn’t go unnoticed that they hovered their hands over the rifles slung around their shoulders.

“Greetings,” Erwin began with a curt nod. “We’re the elite Survey Corps squad. I’m sure Commander Shadis informed you of our arrival.”

“He did,” the one on the left replied, but he made no move to let us through. I frowned at this, and my hand instinctively went for one of the swords in the silver boxes strapped to my thighs.

“I don’t see how you guys can do a better job at what we’ve been trying to do,” the second one complained with a roll of his eyes. “We’ve been trying to catch these criminals for months, and they always slip right through. What makes you think _you_ can catch them?”

“Your officers called us for a reason,” my voice slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it. “Clearly, they needed someone different for the job. Perhaps these criminals know your moves already. They need someone who can take them by surprise.”

Both soldiers glared at me, baring their teeth in fury. I returned the scowl, but when Erwin sent me a cold glance, I immediately dropped it. My hand fluttered back to my side, and my eyes met the ground.

“I have confidence in my squad,” Erwin declared. “We will catch these petty criminals and bring them to justice. Now, if you would be so kind to lead us there…”

With a grumble, the two guards let us through the gates and down the staircase. As we continued to step down, the rays of dying sunshine became weaker and weaker. I shuddered at the thought of living out of the sun for the rest of my life.

“Wolf.” Erwin’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and I ran to his side immediately. I swallowed the lump in my throat as he eyed me with those handsome blue hues. “I admire your passion, but you must reign in that tongue. We don’t want any trouble with the Military Police.”

My face was flushed, I couldn’t even bring myself to look him in the eye any longer. “Sorry, Squad Leader. I know there’s no excuse for it.”

I was so used to speaking my mind in Hanji’s company—and _only_ Hanji’s company—that I tended to get a little loose-lipped around other people. I disregarded what other people would think of me. Being friends with her during our cadet days had really opened me up, but I hadn’t yet grasped the concept of biting my tongue in front of my superiors. If I kept it up, I could kiss my status as a Scout goodbye.

The scent of wet dirt and musk hit my nose even before we made it down the staircase. Smoke clouded the air above the nearby buildings, and small drops of water fell from the cavernous roof above. Gathered in the nearby alleys and even the main staircase were Underground citizens, looking malnourished and filthy. One boy, no older than ten, looked absolutely hopeless as he traced small patterns in the soft dirt before him. My chest tightened as his sunken eyes met mine.

 _Poor kid._ I couldn’t imagine living here. I was grateful Leyna, Ben and I were able to grow up in the sunlight. Although Shiganshina wasn’t perfect, I would gladly take it over having to live in a place like this.

“They’ve been spotted around this area for the past few days,” the first soldier spoke up once we reached the end of the staircase. “They may show up, but I can’t tell you for sure. They’re an unpredictable bunch.”

“How many are there?”

The second soldier shrugged his shoulders at Erwin’s inquiry. “There’s at least two that we know of. A third one has been hanging around them for the past couple weeks. All of them are blindingly fast—when it looked like we cornered them, they would vanish into thin air.”

_Well, monsters and ghosts don’t exist. We’ll learn their secrets one way or another._

A scream suddenly split through the silent city, and above us, three dark blurs soared through the musky air. Before they zipped out of sight, I could make out the silver ODM equipment strapped to each of their bodies, with the twin wires launched outward.

_Those are our targets._

Erwin snapped his head toward us, yanking up his hood. “Scouts, follow them! Put your hoods up—don’t let them see your faces. They haven’t faced us before. We have the element of surprise—don’t waste it!”

The wires of his ODM gear shot out, and he took to the air in a flash. Once my hood was pulled up, I did the same, hooking my wires onto the nearest building and propelling myself forward. A gust of stale wind smacked me in the face; I grimaced and fought the urge to cough, gripping my twin swords tighter.

The moment I was soaring, I smiled to myself. For all of its faults, the Underground was the perfect environment to engage ODM gear. Tall buildings and concrete surfaces towered around us, and despite a few bridges and arches here and there, it allowed for fluid movement with our wires. As I pulled up beside Erwin, with Charles and Mike right behind us, I caught his soft smirk. He knew it, too.

The three criminals were ahead of us in the air, nimbly dodging every obstacle in their way. When I squinted my eyes, I could see a head of dark red hair on the smallest one—possibly a girl. The other two, going by their leaner bodies, seemed to be older males. A strange group, but if they were successful in what they did, I guess I had no right to judge.

But we weren’t the only ones soaring above the buildings. Three other soldiers sped past us, with the bladed horse sigil on the backs of their jackets. However, the speed of the criminals and the awkward angles of the buildings around us proved to be too much for them, and they began to slow down and stagger in the air. Their wires began to tangle in each other, and they barely had time to catch themselves as they began falling toward the ground. With a slight shake of his head, Erwin sped forward, with the rest of us right behind him.

The criminal furthest from us—the one with white sleeves and a brown vest—broke away from the group briefly, putting some distance in between him and his cohorts. Erwin and Mike propelled themselves forward, but the moment they did, the strange man hooked both of his wires into the wall of the building directly in front of him.

A sharp gasp escaped my lips. _He’ll crash! What is he, stupid?!_

Suddenly, he halted himself in the air and pushed himself backwards, leaving Erwin and Mike to speed right past him. But just as they managed to turn themselves around, the criminal had already redirected his course and rejoined his buddies.

I let out a groan. _Damn, he’s good. Where did he learn those skills?_

As Mike and Erwin regrouped with us, the four of us continued our pursuit of the criminals. Their speed was consistent, always just out of our reach. Eventually, the one with dark red hair looked back, and a young female face gazed back at me. She looked maybe a year or two younger than myself. But before I could stare at her longer, she whipped her head back around to her male counterparts.

_What forced her into a life of crime? Why did any of them choose this life? …Maybe they didn’t…_

I groaned to myself, shoving these thoughts in the back of my head. I needed to focus. They could join my constant worries of Leyna, for all I cared.

The girl and the boy next to her suddenly broke away, heading down opposite alleys—the right and then the left. Without hesitation, Charles headed for the girl, and Mike chased after the boy. That left Erwin and I to deal with their leader.

_This should be fun._

We were approaching another large building, and just like before, the leader anchored his wires directly into it. However, he didn’t pull himself back like last time. Instead, he spun himself directly into an open window.

 _That snake! He’s trying to worm his way out of here._ My knuckles turned white as I gripped my swords even harder. _Not on my watch._

I didn’t have his skill to follow him into the window, so I did the next logical thing: I launched myself up and over the building. He had to come out the other side, no matter how sneaky he thought he was.

I landed on the edge and recalled my wires. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Erwin moving to ambush him from the opposite side. I smiled as the plan began to unfold in my mind: throw him off from the front, so I could take him by surprise from the back.

A second later, the criminal leader burst from the window, angling his wires to the building opposite of him. I readied myself—when Erwin struck, I would follow him.

Erwin swung in barely a moment later, swiping his swords at the criminal. As he was preoccupied by our Squad Leader’s diversion, I launched my wires and took to the air again. I followed the criminal from a safe distance above him. I was flying above him, and he was none the wiser. Even as he soared beneath a weak archway, I could still make out where he was.

_Gotcha!_

With a sharp burst of speed, I angled myself down and aimed for the archway. Aging bricks shattered as my body collided with them, and I bit back a scream. I had suffered worse.

A warm body pressed against my chest. _There he is! I found him!_

As the two of us neared the ground, I shot my wires up and caught myself, landing in a crouching position on the dirt below. The criminal, however, wasn’t so lucky. His back slid across the dirt, spraying muddy water everywhere. But his reflexes were quick, and he pushed himself up and backflipped away from me.

I couldn’t let him get away. Not after crashing through that brick archway.

I ran at him just as he regained his footing. His arm lashed out, and a flash of silver collided with the sword in my right hand, pushing it out of my grasp completely.

_How could he disarm me with just a pocket knife?! He’s insane!_

But I stepped back a second too late. He was on me immediately, and the knife flashed again. This time, although I tried blocking it with my other sword, he pushed past it, knocking it out of my hand, and aimed for my face. A sharp pain exploded against the left side of my face; I yelped out and fell on my backside. I tried to scurry away from him as fast as possible—no way was I going out like this.

Erwin dropped down in a flash, acting as a barrier between me and the criminal. Armed with both swords, he pushed back against him and fought him off. With one hand pressed against my burning cheek, I watched as the criminal jumped away, but Erwin lunged and held him in place.

“Stop it.” Erwin’s voice was low and commanding. “Look around you.”

At his words, Mike and Charles came into view, each holding one of the cohorts. The girl struggled against Charles’ grasp, but he held her tight. The boy in Mike’s clutches was stiff, but at least he wasn’t putting up a fight.

He gasped as he saw his leader locked in Erwin’s arms. “Levi!”

_Huh, so that’s his name?_

I couldn’t see the criminal’s eyes, but by the way his limbs relaxed in Erwin’s hands, he opted to avoid further confrontation. The knife fell from his fingers and hit the ground with a thud. A streak of red coated the tip; I winced as my cheek continued to sting.

Slowly, Erwin loosened his grip and released “Levi.” At this new angle, I could see his gray eyes slanted in a death glare. Erwin, however, didn’t seem intimidated. He only responded with, “You’re quick at reading the situation.” I could only imagine the cheeky grin on his face as the words left his lips.

The three criminals were soon stripped of their ODM gear, handcuffed, and brought to their knees in a horizontal line. As Mike and Charles put them shoulder-to-shoulder, Erwin turned to me. “Are you hurt?”

My hand was still pressed against my face. “It’s just a scratch. It’ll heal in a day.” It still hurt like hell, but there was no reason to tell him that. I didn’t want to complain in front of him.

His eyes lingered on me for a moment longer, but he quickly focused his attention on the line of criminals before us. Each of them wore a fierce glare on their faces. As I pulled down my hood, I took the time to get a good look at each of them.

The first one near Charles was a young man with dark blond hair and soft gray eyes. He was dressed in a white shirt with long sleeves and a light blue vest, with light brown pants and knee-high brown boots. Out of the three, he seemed the least resistant to us. The one in the middle was the girl with dark red hair and green eyes. She wore an orange tunic, brown tights, and small tan boots. She puffed out her chest and avoided eye contact with us, as if she was trying to impress the boys on either side of her.

Finally, there was their leader, Levi. He was the most intimidating of the bunch, with his piercing gray eyes and ever-present scowl. Black hair framed the top of his head, and he wore a simple white shirt under a brown vest, along with black pants and matching knee-high boots. His shoulders were rigid, and he kept his eyes glued to the ground before him. None of them opted to look any of us in the eye.

Erwin circled around them before stopping in front of them. “If you don’t mind, I’ll be asking a few questions.” Unsurprisingly, he was met with no reply. “Where did you get this?” He held up the holster from their bunch of ODM gear for emphasis.

Neither of them answered. They either stared at the ground or straight ahead, completely emotionless.

_Good luck trying to get them to talk, Erwin._

Nevertheless, he continued: “You guys are skilled with ODM gear. Who taught you how to use it?” Again, he was met with silence. With a soft sigh, he stepped forward, placing himself directly in front of the one called Levi. “You’re their leader, right? Were you trained in the military?”

The man on his knees raised his head, glaring at him through his overgrown black bangs. Suddenly, at the tiniest nod from Erwin, Mike grabbed the back of the man’s head and shoved his face into the mud below. Both the boy and the girl beside him gasped in horror at the sudden action.

“You--!” The girl moved to push Mike aside, but Charles was behind her in a moment, his hand against her shoulder.

Even though he was subdued, the leader refused to speak. Instead, he twisted his head to the side, still glaring at Erwin.

“I’ll ask one more time. Where did you learn to use ODM gear?”

The black-haired leader refused to move a muscle.

_This is pointless. There’s no way he’ll talk, he’s too stubborn._

The younger blond male’s head shot up, and his eyes were pleading as he blurted out, “We didn’t learn from anyone! We taught ourselves how to use it!”

I couldn’t suppress the scoff that slipped out. Self-taught? That was impossible. No one could’ve learned how to use equipment that detailed and dangerous without a proper instructor. Leyna, Ben, Hanji and I would have been useless if our training instructor didn’t teach us the basic steps.

Erwin didn’t seem to believe them, either. “Self-taught, you say? I don’t buy it.”

“It’s just so we’re able to rise even a bit in this dirty garbage place!” the blonde declared, his voice bitter and hateful. “People who’re used to sunlight like you guys wouldn’t understand!”

I remembered the boy back at the staircase, drawing patterns in the dirt. At some point in their lives, these three criminals had been just like him. And if what they were saying about the ODM gear was true, it was a miracle they were all still alive.

“That’s enough!” the red-haired girl yelled, more to the boy beside her than to us. “Now let Levi go! Don’t get all cocky just because you’re soldiers!”

All the while, their leader stayed silent. I hadn’t heard him speak once, even when we were chasing him. But even with the side of his head pushed against the dirt below, he still looked as dangerous as ever. Maybe it was those eyes.

I gazed at each criminal before me: I took in their ragged appearances, exhausted faces, and fierce eyes. They didn’t look related at all, so they definitely weren’t siblings or cousins. But that didn’t mean they weren’t family. Just from the hate in their eyes, I could tell they had been through a lot just to survive.

I’m sure Ben, Leyna and I would have done the same as them—or worse—if we were in their places.

Still, that didn’t excuse their actions. They had to be brought to justice.

At Erwin’s nod, Mike brought Levi’s face up and out of the dirt, forcing him to stare ahead. Our Squad Leader knelt in the mud across from him. I couldn’t read his expression—I didn’t know what he was thinking. (Well, when could I ever? The man was an enigma.)

“My name is Erwin Smith,” he began softly. “And yours is?”

The man scowled again before reluctantly complying. “Levi.” His voice was surprisingly deep—he didn’t look much older than myself.

Erwin nodded to him. At once, I saw the corners of his mouth pull up into a mischievous smile. “Levi, why don’t we make a deal? I will let your crimes go unpunished. In return, lend me your strength. Join the Survey Corps.”

This offer took everyone on both sides by surprise. I knew Erwin was full of crazy ideas and risky tactics, but this seemed like a bridge too far. Was it really the brightest idea to trust a gang of criminals with our military equipment, and let them sleep under the same roof as our most dangerous soldiers? We’d be putting not only ourselves at risk, but the entire Survey Corps.

I could see the dilemma in Levi’s eyes. On one hand, he wouldn’t be punished, but he and his cohorts would have to answer to Commander Shadis and whoever their Squad Leader turned out to be. But what other choice did they have? They’d been caught; they couldn’t return to their normal lives on the streets of the Underground now. The Military Police wouldn’t accept it.

“The Military Police will have you,” Erwin continued, standing up. “Considering all of your crimes, you and your friends won’t be treated very nicely. Choose whichever you prefer.”

There was no room for arguing. Although the Military Police sported a few good-hearted (albeit misguided) soldiers like my sister and her friends, they had a couple of bad eggs within. They tended to take control of where the prisoners were sent and what could be done to them. And the last thing on anybody’s mind would be torture and eventual death.

Besides, no one would miss these three. They were criminals.

But maybe Erwin was on to something. As ridiculous as it sounded, maybe this bunch could prove themselves to be useful to us in the future.

He wouldn’t wait long for an answer, though. Their time to decide was running out fast.

“Fine.”

Both cohorts gasped at their leader’s announcement. As he shook the muddy water out of his bangs, he stared up at Erwin, the scowl never leaving his face.

“I’ll join the Survey Corps.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to establish more of an emotional connection with the unnamed Scouts, so I'll be giving a majority of them names and personalities. Obviously I can't do that with every single Scout, but I don't want them to just be faces in a crowd.   
> There will be a handful of flashbacks throughout the story, focusing on Mia's childhood with her siblings, as well as their time as cadets when they were twelve. Sometimes whole chapters will be dedicated to these flashbacks, but the entire story will take place and focus mainly in the present.   
> I hope you enjoyed!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you for everyone who's read this story so far!

|III|

The Military Police weren’t thrilled when we arrived back to the staircase with the three criminals in tow. They were even less thrilled when we told them the Survey Corps would have custody of them from now on. It was only fair—we were the ones who caught them, so we should be in charge of them.

As our small group ascended the massive flight of stairs, I snuck a quick glance at the black-haired man behind me. The moment our eyes met, he scowled and curled his lip, just like an animal. But he was powerless and surrounded by Scouts, so I simply shrugged my shoulders and turned my head. No need to provoke him.

Still, something was eating away at the back of my mind. His face looked _familiar_ for some reason. I definitely didn’t know him, since it looked like he’d lived in the Underground all his life, and my family moved from Ehrmich to Shiganshina when I was still young. But there was something in his steely gray eyes that screamed familiar to me—I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

_Maybe I should ask Hanji about it later._

A sense of relief washed over me the moment I stepped out into the fresh air outside. The sun had already set, but the moon was shining as bright as ever. Finally, I was out of that stale cavern.

The three criminals— _I guess now they’re Scouts_ —followed close behind, and the girl, whom I assumed was the youngest, let out a deep breath. Despite her hands still being bound behind her back, she did her best to roll her shoulders and stretch out her muscles. The blond boy did the same, a soft smile grazing his lips.

Levi, however, stayed as stoic as ever. It irked me, how he was so emotionless. I had only known him for ten minutes, and already he piqued my curiosity. Aside from the aching sense of familiarity, the way he carried himself struck me as odd. Although he was at a disadvantage, with his hands bound behind him and everything, he walked with a purpose. His shoulders were tense and his glare never faltered. And those eyes— _by the Walls, those eyes_ —they seemed so cold and condescending.

What confused me though was the stark contrast between him and his two companions. The girl could pass off as cheery and light-hearted, especially now that she was beaming up at the starry sky, and the blond boy seemed like a kind-hearted individual. But this Levi character looked like everyone was his enemy, like the world was against him.

I felt my chest tighten. As far as I knew, maybe the world _had_ been against him, since the day he was born. The Underground was not an ideal place to spend the majority of your life; some people even died without ever getting a chance to see the sun above.

The carriage was big enough for the three newcomers to fit in snuggly with us, surprisingly. The seven of us sat across from each other, with myself and the three other soldiers on one side. I sat next to the window, directly across from the red-haired girl. She leaned forward in her face, nearly pressing her face against the glass window of the carriage.

_She’s just a child. At least now she’s out of the Underground._

Now they all were. I could only hope Erwin’s decision would pay off in the end.

“I’ll inform Commander Shadis of your arrival when we reach the castle,” Erwin broke the silence. “If all goes well, you can start as soon as we get back to base.”

The blond boy’s eyes shot up at this. “Your base isn’t nearby? It’s not in the city?”

Erwin shook his head. “It’s within Wall Rose. We wouldn’t be able to fit in this city—it’s too small for us.”

At this news, the girl sighed happily and stared off into the distance. The promise of open air was within reach for her, after who knew how many years she and her friends had been trapped within the Underground.

“Since you’re part of the Survey Corps, it would be nice to know your names.” Erwin leaned back in his seat, eyeing each of the criminals— _former_ criminals—carefully. “We already know Levi. Would you two mind telling us what they are?”

Both the girl and the younger boy gazed at their leader, who gave them the tiniest of nods. The girl was the first to respond. “I’m Isabel Magnolia.”

_Isabel. Funny, she even looks like an Izzy._

“Furlan Church,” the boy responded. He seemed less enthusiastic than his female companion, but he still answered with the tiniest of smiles.

_So those are their names, Isabel and Furlan. And Levi, of course. They seem normal enough._ I stole a glance at Erwin, who was seated the furthest from me. _I hope you know what you’re doing._

|~|

The ride back to the castle was short and sweet, and our new recruits barely made a peep the entire ride. Commander Shadis was waiting for us in the courtyard with a pair of our veteran Scouts. Immediately, when he saw our three guests, he shot Erwin a skeptical look. “These are the criminals from the Underground?”

“Yes, and I believe they’ll prove to be useful in our fight against the Titans. Each of them possesses sharp reflexes and incredible skill with ODM gear. They have already agreed to join the Scouts.”

Shadis didn’t yell at Erwin for making that kind of decision without consulting him first, like I thought he would. Instead, he simply nodded before turning to the newcomers. “Welcome to the Survey Corps. We’ll be heading back to our base at first light tomorrow. I expect you all to be there on time.”

His tone left no room for argument; in fact, you’d have to be completely insane to talk back to Commander Keith Shadis. The man could silence you with one look if he was feeling generous. I remembered when he was first appointed as Commander in the year 837, he scared me so much I couldn’t look him in the eye for the first year or so. But he was such a welcome change from our old Commander, and the Scouts soon warmed up to him.

“Erwin, Mike, escort these three to the Military Police. They’ll tell you where to put them. As for the rest of you,” he said, looking at me and Charles, “you’re dismissed. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

We nodded once and saluted, our fists against our hearts. When he broke eye contact with us, Charles and I headed toward the castle. By the way he walked, with a spring in his step, I knew he was going to find Anna to fill her in on our new recruits.

That reminded me: I had so much to tell Hanji.

|~|

“Okay, you have to promise to keep it to yourself, alright? Shadis is making an announcement once we get back to base, so I don’t want the whole branch to know before he can tell us. Promise?”

“Yeah, yeah, I promise. Just tell me already!”

Hanji and I were currently in our shared bedroom, dressed in our pajamas and perched on one of the beds. I propped a pillow up against the headboard and leaned back, rolling my eyes at Hanji’s eager smile. To the average person, she looked like a crazy woman. (Well, not to say she already was one, but more than usual.)

“We had to find a group of criminals in the Underground who were using stolen ODM gear to commit their crimes. Long story short, when we finally caught them, Erwin was so impressed with their skills he offered them to join the Survey Corps instead of turning them over to the Military Police.”

Hanji’s jaw dropped at the news. “Really? How did they get their hands on ODM in the first place? Did someone teach them how to use it? How many of them were there?”

I nearly laughed at her eagerness. She could be such a child sometimes. “As far as I know, they taught themselves. And there are three, two guys and a girl.”

“Do you know their names?”

I snapped my mouth shut. For some reason, I liked the idea of keeping their names to myself. _Levi, Isabel, and Furlan._ They were nice names, too. “Not really. I’m sure you’ll find out when Shadis introduces them tomorrow.”

Hanji groaned, flopping on the bed and spreading her arms out along the covers. Her glasses were still on; I had to remind her to take them off before she fell asleep. For someone with such a brilliant mind, she was such a forgetful weirdo sometimes. “Fine, whatever. I can’t believe they managed to snag some ODM gear, though. Those MPs must be _really_ irresponsible with their gear.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” Most MPs didn’t even wear ODM gear regularly, like the Scouts or the Garrison did. They were so used to carrying rifles (which they barely used to begin with).

Thinking of the MPs lead me back to Leyna. I wondered what she was doing right now…

A yawn nearly split Hanji’s head open; with a smile, I leaned over and plucked her glasses off her face, folding them up and placing them on the nightstand between our beds. “Go to bed, Han. You’re exhausted. You need your sleep.”

“You’re the one who went out on the special mission,” she replied through another yawn. She rolled over on the bed, pulling the edge of the covers over herself, exposing the sheets on the opposite side of the bed. “Goodnight, Mia.”

I let out a laugh. “At least get under the covers, Hanji.” But it was useless; she was already out like a light.

I blew out the candle on the nightstand, veiling the room in darkness. With a soft pat on Hanji’s messy brown hair, I wormed my way underneath the sheets, careful not to disturb my strange friend’s slumber. Resting my head against the pillows, I stared up at the white ceiling, waiting for sleep’s arms to wrap themselves around me.

|~|

_Dad was reluctant to bring me along with him for whatever emergency business he had to attend to in the Underground, but what choice did he have? Ma was away at work, Leyna was at the local bookshop, and Ben was out with a group of friends. It was too late to get a babysitter, so he opted to let me tag along. He gave me specific rules to follow, though:_

  1. _Don’t talk to anyone I didn’t know, unless they had an orange jacket like his. He had a patch of white wings on both his back and his sleeves, which stood for the Survey Corps._
  2. _Stay by his side at all times. It was easy for me to get lost in the scary Underground City, so he wanted to keep me safe at all costs._
  3. _Keep my eyes down. If you happened to look the wrong person in the eye, who knew what could happen._



_The last rule confused me the most. Who could get mad if you looked at them? Wouldn’t that be a sign of kindness? I didn’t get it, but I wasn’t about to question Dad and his rules, especially when he was so serious._

_The first thing I noticed when we reached the Underground was how bad it smelled. I pulled the collar of my shirt up to cover my nose, but the stench still wafted through. It smelled even worse than when either Ben or Leyna forgot to take out the garbage bag and the smell built up for a few days. It was also cold down there. I was thankful I decided to wear my fuzzy white jacket, but the chilly air still bit at my face._

_Dad met up with a group of men with similar jackets, but their patches didn’t have white wings on them. Instead, they had green horses—Military Police soldiers, I realized. They seemed wary that Dad had brought me along, but they didn’t object to me coming with them. With a huff, they led us down the streets, toward one of the larger houses in the corner of the city._

_I tried my best to keep my eyes down, but I couldn’t help looking around at the people. Most of them were in dire needs of baths, and a lot of them looked hungry and thirsty. But I only glanced at them; I made sure to look back down when they swung their heads in my direction._

_As we passed a small square in between the buildings, I heard a few grunts and yells. While it made me jump, both the Military Police soldiers (and my father) seemed to ignore them. I stopped in my tracks and frowned at them. Couldn’t they hear them?_

_I swung my head to the right, where a large crowd of people was gathered along the square. From the sounds of it, a fight was going on. Swallowing my fear, I hiked my shirt collar up over my nose again and walked toward the crowd._

_As I walked closer, my jaw dropped. A fully-grown man was being pummeled by none other than a young boy, who looked maybe a little older than me. The boy aimed for the man’s ankles, and once he doubled over, he wailed on him with his fists and feet. I sucked in a sharp breath as I saw a knife in the boy’s hand._

_“Mia!”_

_My father yanked on my hand and scooped me up in his arms, holding me against his chest. I could feel his heart beating furiously through his military jacket._

_“I told you to stay near me. You can’t wander off like that, little one. Don’t do that to me! Don’t scare me like that.”_

_As he turned around and began to walk away, I peered over his shoulder to stare at the boy with the knife. He was now standing over the man, his black hair hanging in his eyes—_

|~|

I awoke with a jolt. I hadn’t dreamed of the Underground in years, since my father died. But visiting it again today, and seeing those three criminals…

_Was that boy actually their leader? Is that why he looks so familiar…?_

With a sigh, I snuggled back into the pillows, attempting to fall back asleep through Hanji’s bear snores.

|~|

While some of the Scouts arrived in Mitras on their horses, others arrived in wagons. Honestly, I preferred wagons other than carriages; wagons allowed for a quick escape, unlike closed carriages. I was one of the ones who came in a wagon, since Edel was back at the Survey Corps base.

Now, at dawn, the Scouts were on the road back to our base within Wall Rose. Shadis lead the group, with Erwin and Mike trailing right behind him. Anna directed the wagon I was in—but I wasn’t alone. I had our three new recruits for company. Meanwhile, Hanji lingered near the wagon, eager to listen in on any conversation we might have had.

It was an awkward silence in the wagon, with Levi and Furlan across from me, and Isabel right next to me. I wasn’t the best at striking up a conversation (that was both Hanji and Leyna’s job), and apparently, none of those three knew how to, either. So instead, I fiddled with the necklace that hung underneath my green cloak.

It was a simple charm in the shape of a wolf on a leather thread. It was a tradition for the Wolf family to pass down the necklace to the girls in the family, from generation to generation. Currently, there were two necklaces—Leyna had the other one. But despite its simple silver design, it was kind of cute, with the little wolf throwing his head back and howling up at an invisible moon.

“What’s that?”

I jumped at the sudden voice. When I turned my head, I saw Isabel staring at me with wide, expectant eyes. She motioned to the charm, which was currently between my thumb and index finger.

“Uh…” _Answer her, stupid!_ “…It’s a necklace…a family heirloom, I guess. It’s been passed down for years.”

Isabel inched forward, her dark green eyes glued to the charm. “It looks pretty. What is it?”

Instinctively, my grip tightened on my charm. It didn’t slip my mind that she and her buddies were criminals, and the very first chance they got, they could swipe it right under my nose. No way was I letting that happen.

But there wasn’t any harm in answering her, if she really was interested. “It’s a wolf. Apparently they lived outside the Walls before the Titans arrived. They’re basically bigger, scarier dogs, but they’re gray and they have pointy ears.”

She nodded slowly, her mouth slightly open. “Cool! But why a wolf?”

“…It’s my last name. This one used to belong to my aunt, but she passed away before I was born. And then my other aunt gave her necklace to my older sister, since she doesn’t have children.”

“Oh, that makes sense!” A smile broke out on her face as she suddenly reached under her shirt and pulled out her own charm: a small pale golden circle tied on a thin leather thread. “This is my charm. Levi gave it to me!”

This information took me by surprise. Judging by the way he carried himself and constantly glared at other people, Levi didn’t seem like the type to do something nice like that. But again, I didn’t know him as well as Isabel did. Maybe he was actually a really good friend to those who knew him well.

As the words flew from her lips, Levi gazed upward and eyed me coldly. I swallowed hard and diverted my eyes instantly, gazing back at the wolf charm in my hand. But even as I kept my eyes off him, I could still feel those gray hues burning into me.

Isabel suddenly nudged my arm, leaning against my shoulder. “Don’t worry about him. He’s just trying to scare you. He’s actually the one who took us both in!”

“That’s enough, Isabel,” his voice rumbled dangerously. Isabel huffed and crossed her arms, her necklace thumbing against her throat.

_Interesting—he doesn’t like to dwell on his past or the nice things he’s done for his friends. He’s very stand-offish._

This bunch was going to be a blast, I could tell.

“What _is_ your name?” Isabel pressed on, ignoring the glare Levi sent her way. “Is it just Wolf?”

“No,” I answered, smiling at her innocence, “it’s actually Mia. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too! I’m Isabel—uh, well, I guess you already knew that, huh?”

“That’s okay.” I took her hand and shook it, nearly laughing at how bright her green eyes shone in the early morning sun. Honestly, she was adorable. Hopefully we would get along throughout the years in the Survey Corps.

|~|

It was a relief to finally be back at base after a few days. I never liked leaving it for too long, especially when Edel had to stay behind. But I couldn’t see him right now—Shadis had called us to the front courtyard only a few minutes after we arrived. I didn’t want to get sucked into taking care of Edel when I knew I had to be somewhere soon. I’d rather take my time with him and enjoy taking care of him.

As the Scouts lined up in order of their rank and squad (I was toward the front with Flagon and the other members of his squad, Daisy and Sairam), Shadis made his way on the platform in front of them. The three newcomers, who were now dressed in the Survey Corps military uniform, stood beside him, facing the audience.

“From today, these three will be fighting alongside you all!” Shadis’ voice rang throughout the courtyard. Introduce yourselves!”

At first, neither of them moved. Then, after stealing a look at Erwin, Levi sighed and answered, “The name’s Levi,” keeping his arms crossed against his chest.

A chorus of soft gasps made their way around the Scouts, and from the corner of my eye, I could see Hanji shoot me an astonished look, her mouth hanging open. Everyone here was a battle-hardened, disciplined soldier. No one ever addressed fellow Scouts, much less the Commander himself, with such a bored, carefree tone.

_Erwin, I **really** hope you know what you’re doing. _

“Levi,” Shadis growled, making me wince on instinct, “the first thing you’ll need is some goddamn discipline. Next!”

Isabel stepped forward, her red hair bouncing with each stride. Jabbing a thumb against her chest, she cheerfully announced, “I’m Isabel Magnolia! Nice to meetcha!”

Finally, Furlan walked up, pressing his fist to his heart. I hid a smile at the attempt to salute. At least he was trying. “My name is Furlan Church.”

The Scouts in the audience were still stunned with silence. Never before had we accepted people who hadn’t gone through the three rigorous years of proper training. It was typically believed that people who didn’t go through training would die at once—sometimes people even died during training! It was a risky move, and we could only hope it would pay off in the end.

“Flagon, these three will be assigned to your squad,” Shadis announced, much to Flagon’s evident disappointment. “Look after them.”

I felt my jaw drop. These three would be assigned to our squad? But we already had four people, we didn’t really need any more. Besides, being constantly subjected to Levi’s cold, grumpy stare didn’t seem ideal to me.

My Squad Leader cleared his throat. “M-My squad, sir?”

“Are you dissatisfied?”

“…No.” No matter how arrogant and annoying Flagon could be, even he knew not to question Commander Shadis’ orders, especially when he was directly in front of you. “But shouldn’t Erwin—”

“Erwin is tasked with the soldiers’ formation,” Shadis shut him down immediately. “The new recruits will be your responsibility. Is that understood?”

Flagon saluted at once. “Yes, sir! Understood!” But no matter how hard he tried to mask it, there was no denying his annoyance. He wanted no part in caring for non-traditional recruits in the Survey Corps. He was skeptical of them, which I understood. Still, no one went against the Commander’s orders.

Once the crowd disbanded at Shadis’ words, Flagon swung his head toward me. “Wolf, come with me. I need your assistance.”

I gulped. _Uh-oh…_ That didn’t sound good.

He motioned for Levi, Isabel, and Furlan to follow him, and the moment she saw me, Isabel smiled and waved, which I returned. Flagon shot me a glare, and I let my hand fall to my side. No need to upset my Squad Leader.

Flagon lead us to the barracks at the back of the base. With a huff, he pushed the door of the men’s quarters open. “These are the barracks,” he started, letting them in one by one. “There are quite a few.”

Bunkbeds were stacked next to each other, with neat sheets and pillows laying on them. The moment she saw them, Isabel cheered.

“Yay! We’re all in the same room!”

Flagon shot her a condescending glare, which made my blood boil. He didn’t have to be nasty to them all the time. “Women have a separate section.”

Isabel’s face fell at this information. “What?! But I wanna stay here!”

The poor kid was probably lonely. If I had to guess, she only knew the company of Levi and Furlan for most of her life, so sleeping with so many different women at a time probably sounded intimidating. I bit my lip, resting a hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t worry, honey. I’ll be there with you. And we’re friends, right?” I could play up the act if it meant it would make her feel better. At this, her eyes lit up, and she nodded eagerly.

Flagon rolled his eyes, not even caring if I saw or not, and motioned to two bottom bunks in the nearest corner next to the window. “You two men will sleep here.”

Levi made his way over to the bunkbed Flagon had motioned to. His face remained expressionless as he dragged his hand along the underside of the wood. Flecks of dirt dribbled down onto the sheets below.

Beside me, Isabel gulped, and Furlan dropped his eyes down to the ground. They looked terrified of what Levi had found.

_Why? What’s their problem?_ Dirt was common in military life; when you trained and worked with horses and fought Titans every single day of your life, it was hard to stay clean.

“You lot have been living in the dumps of the Underground,” Flagon spoke up, “but do try to keep this place clean.”

I inwardly groaned. _Why does he have to be such a jerk?!_

Levi stiffened at his words, and he slowly turned around to face him. “Excuse me?” His eyes were slanted in a lethal glare as he padded over to my Squad Leader.

By now, Isabel was trembling, and Furlan looked physically sick. I tried my best to hide my frown. _What, is he some kind of clean freak? He lived in the Underground! He should be used to dirt by now…_

Now Levi and Flagon were standing face-to-face, with the shorter man keeping his glare locked on our Squad Leader. Flagon grunted, trying to hide his nerves. “Wh-what’s with that look? How _dare_ you approach a superior officer with that attitude—”

Furlan was suddenly between them, his arm stretched out to hold his black-haired companion back. “Sorry!” he chirped with a nervous smile. “We understand. We’ll try to keep the place clean.”

He attempted the salute again, but kept his fist straight and stiff instead of curled. I sighed softly at this. Oh well, at least he was using his right arm. I’d seen some cadets use their left arm on the first day of training, which made my brain physically hurt. He had it down halfway, and that was admirable in its own right.

Flagon scoffed and rolled his eyes. He couldn’t go after Levi now—he would look like the aggressor. “You’ll begin training first thing tomorrow, got it?” He stormed off toward the door without waiting for an answer. “And your hand’s upside down!” When he reached the door, he motioned over his shoulder for me to follow. “Come on, Wolf, don’t linger!”

Furlan jolted and attempted to fix his hand on his chest. With a shake of my head, I reached over and flipped his fist over, curling it against his heart. “That’s how you salute. See? You got this.” With a smile, I saluted to both him and Isabel—Levi ignored me, as usual. “I’ll see you later, okay? Isabel, maybe I can show you the girls’ barracks—”

“WOLF!”

I yelped, swerving my head around toward the door. “Uh, c-coming, Squad Leader! Uh, bye, guys!” With a hasty wave in their direction, I practically flew out the door and followed my grumpy Squad Leader.

|~|

Later that evening, as the moon began to rise, I was finishing up exercising with Edel. The silver gelding galloped around the fenced-in ring, snorting with each stride. His black main swayed in the wind, tickling my hands. The reins were sweaty in my hands, my thighs were burning, and my chest was tight. But the feeling riding my horse gave me was absolutely euphoric—I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world. It was the only thing that could come even close to using ODM gear in the forests around us.

I squeezed my heels around Edel‘s haunches as we reached the fence. Scaling it was easy for us, but keeping his gallop consistent was the hard part. He tended to pick up speed once he cleared a jump, which led to me being jostled in the saddle. The trick was to tug on his reins and lean back in the saddle right after he landed, so he wouldn’t be encouraged to gallop faster.

Leaning forward in the saddle, I gave Edel a little more rein and pressed my hands against the back of his neck. He let out a happy whinny as he leapt over the fence. A split second passed, and I tilted back in the saddle, pulling on the reins. However, I leaned too far back, and Edel ended up slowing down considerably. I groaned as he came to a complete stop.

_Damn it! I screwed it up again!_

When Edel snorted again, I reached over and ran my hand along his neck. “It’s alright, boy. That was my fault, sorry about that. Now come on, it’s time for bed.”

I swung my leg up and over him and hopped off, slinging the reins over his head and onto my shoulder. I pulled up his stirrups and hooked them back against the saddle before leading him around the corral. I couldn’t tuck him in when he was out of breath; he had to cool off first.

As we walked around the corral, however, I saw a small shadow in the distance, near the main Survey Corps base building. Squinting my eyes, I could see the faintest shade of red hair, thanks to the moon’s bright light.

“Isabel?”

She jumped when I called out to her, but she ran right over upon seeing me. She gave me a small smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. As she got closer, Edel grunted and pulled against the lead; I pet his neck and hushed him, calming him down immediately.

“Hi, Mia.”

“What’s wrong, honey?” I didn’t like seeing her so upset; it didn’t fit her adorable face.

Her face fell immediately, and she scuffed her boots in the dirt. “They just kicked me out of the barracks… I guess I’m not allowed in there after dark.”

_Oh, she means the men’s quarters._ “Aw, that’s alright. I’m heading to the girls’ barracks in a bit, right after I take care of Edel here. If you want to wait for me, we can walk there together.”

Her eyes lit up when she saw Edel, who was now stretching his nose out to sniff her. “Aw, he’s a cutie!” She reached out a hand for him to sniff, and once he snorted at her, she reached up and stroked his neck. He let out a huff before turning to graze on the grass below him.

“Yeah, he’s a good boy. He’s pretty fast, too. Do you know how to ride?” Just as the question left my lips, I felt like an idiot. Of course she didn’t know how to ride! There were no horses in the Underground; she wouldn’t have been able to learn!

But she didn’t seem to take offense to the question. “No, but it sounds like fun. Do you think I’ll be able to learn?”

“Definitely! Everyone in the Survey Corps has to know how to ride a horse. I’m sure tomorrow Flagon will have us teach you guys how to ride.” Edel swung his head up and let out a heavy sigh. I chuckled, moving in front of him and scratching his nose. “I know, buddy, I know. Time for bed.”

Isabel followed us into the stall, watching me as I started to untack him. Once his saddle and bridle were off, and his halter was on, I began toweling him off with one of the spare rags. Taking care of Edel always made me feel relaxed; it really was the only kind of quiet time I got around here.

But there was an awkward silence between me and the redhead across from me. I bit my lip before deciding to break it: “So, you and those boys are really close, huh?”

She jumped at the mention of her companions, but she quickly masked her shock with a smile. This time, it was genuine. “Oh, yeah! We’re all really close buds. We look out for each other—we always have.”

I nodded, not wanting to push the issue further. I didn’t want to scare her off by accidentally asking inappropriate questions about her life in the Underground. That would just be uncalled for. Instead, as I began brushing Edel’s coat, I switched the topic. “That’s good. You kind of remind me of my siblings.”

This made her perk up like a bunny. “Wait, how many do you have?”

“I have two—a brother and a sister. We’re actually triplets, but my sister was born first. Then my brother was born, and then I was born.”

“Cool! Do you all look alike?”

“…Well, I don’t see it, but maybe you might. Leyna’s actually in the Military Police, and Ben is serving in the Garrison. Sometimes our superiors give us some time off so we can go visit each other.”

Isabel took a seat on the ground outside the stall. “That sounds nice. I want to meet them! What are they like?”

I placed the brush down and began picking Edel’s hooves. He grunted as I scraped a little too hard; I clicked my tongue and pat his neck to apologize. “Ben is the calm one. He always has his nose in a book, and he was great with ODM gear during our time as cadets. I think I’m closest to him, if I had to choose one.”

“And your sister?”

I stopped for a moment as Leyna’s face filled my mind. Our most recent encounter still stung, so it was hard for me to praise her. Still, I tried my best.

“She’s definitely bossy, but she really does care about us. She’s always trying to look out for me and Ben, since she sees herself as the oldest, but sometimes she forgets she’s our sister and not our mother.” I let out a breathless laugh as I remembered her face, red and puffed out in fury, when I told her I planned on joining the Survey Corps when I was eleven. “I still love her, though. I love them both.”

Once Edel was all settled, I slipped off his halter and latched his stall up. I hung the halter on the peg near the door and motioned to Isabel, who jumped to her feet at once.

“I’m sure you’ll get to meet them someday. They’re always calling the Scouts to the capital, so there’s a good chance I’ll see Leyna soon. And Ben’s always hopping from one Wall to the next, so it’s hard to know where he’s at most of the time. But if I send him a letter, I know he’ll come visit as soon as he can.”

She nodded, and the two of us began walking to the girls’ barracks. “I can’t imagine that, being separated from my family. How do you do it? You all sound so close together. Why did you guys leave each other?”

How could I explain it to her? We all wanted something different out of life, and we realized we all had to choose different paths. We still kept in touch, but we definitely weren’t as close as we used to be—especially now that I was in the Survey Corps. Every time I stepped outside the Walls, I wondered whether or not I would see my siblings again.

“Well…” _Think of something, Mia!_ “We all learned we wanted to help humanity in different ways. I wanted to fight the Titans, so I joined the Scouts. Ben wanted to keep the citizens of the outer Walls safe, so the Garrison was for him. And Leyna thought it was her duty to serve the king and the nobles within Wall Sina. In our own way, we’re all trying to help humanity.”

I couldn’t tell her that sometimes it felt like the Scouts were doing all the work. The MPs wanted nothing to do with anything outside of Wall Sina, and the Garrison soldiers were too busy drinking themselves to death to take the Titan threat seriously. It felt like the only ones getting anything done in order to help humanity were the Scouts. But the last thing I wanted to do was discourage her from joining. She didn’t deserve that.

Once we reached the barracks, it looked like everyone else was already asleep. Hanji was snoring on the top bunk of our bed, her glasses still on her face. As quietly as I could, I padded over to her and swiped them off her face. I placed them on the bedside table next to our bunk, along with my single hair tie.

“Well, there’s an extra bunk over here, if you’re interested,” I whispered, motioning over to the bed closest to my bottom one. “Oh, and sorry if Hanji wakes you up in the middle of the night with her snoring. I’ve told her she has to work on that, but apparently it’s something you just can’t control.”

Isabel nodded, and before long, we were both in our pajamas and tucked in our beds. I heard a faint “Goodnight, Mia” before her snores mingled in with Hanji’s.

A soft smile graced my lips. “Goodnight, Izzy.” _You know, you might not be so bad after all._

|~|

It appeared my predictions for the next day were true. At the crack of dawn, Flagon had our squad teach Levi, Furlan, and Isabel the basics. Luckily, I was paired up with Isabel, and he told me to teach her how to properly ride a horse. To be honest, I think he only stuck her with me because he didn’t want to deal with her energetic attitude himself.

But I had no complaints. She was a sweet girl and eager to learn, so I didn’t have a problem with her.

Survey Corps horses had a reputation for being relatively tame animals, but just to make sure nothing would happen to her, I had her practice on Edel first. I trusted him with my life, and going by their interaction the night before, he really seemed to like her. I showed her how to properly saddle and bridle him—to which she moaned in disgust when she got horse slobber on her hands—and before I knew it, she was galloping along the corral.

My hands wrung around each other as I watched her push herself up from Edel with her ODM gear and latch onto a nearby tree. With a victory cry, she pushed herself off the trunk and landed right on his back, swiping up the reins and pulling him to a halt.

I have to admit, I was a little envious of her. It took me years to learn how to ride Edel properly! But still, I was proud of her. She looked so happy, too. I couldn’t take that away from her.

As she walked Edel back over to me, I placed my hands on my waist. “Are you _sure_ no one taught you how to ride a horse?”

“Nah,” she replied, stroking Edel’s black mane. He snorted, arching his neck so she could scratch deeper. “But I’ve always been fond of animals. This guy says he likes me, too!”

My jaw dropped playfully. “Hey, I’m the only one who can understand him!”

She shot me a mischievous smile, gathering the reins back up. “I don’t think so!” With that, she kicked Edel into gear, and the two of them galloped off into the nearby meadow.

Meanwhile, Sairam was with Furlan, instructing him on how to properly refill his gas canisters, and Levi was with Flagon himself, training with the Titan dummies. From where I could see them, it looked like Hanji and her second-in-command Moblit were there, too. I’d have to ask her how he performed when we met up later.

Once Isabel came back around with Edel, I decided it was time to give my poor boy a break. I watched as Isabel dismounted and untacked him, giving her pointers when she wasn’t sure what to do. Then, I brought out another one of our spare horses. I didn’t know her name, but she was one of our most docile mares. She had a sleek cocoa brown coat and a mane like the night sky.

Just like before, Isabel rode her around expertly. I tried watching for her form: where her heels were placed, how much rein she was giving the horse, and how she moved in the saddle when it was time to halt. Just like before, the mare seemed to like her, and she cooed when Isabel patted her neck after their run.

“I guess you weren’t lying. You really are good with animals.”

Isabel chuckled, dismounting and bringing her over to the fence near Edel. As I toweled off my horse, she began untacking the mare. “I am! The ones I have trouble with are actually people.”

I could understand that. I wasn’t exactly the most sociable of the Wolf siblings.

From the corner of my eye, I could see the other Squad Leaders eyeing us suspiciously. Some of them were even veteran soldiers, who had lost friends and bled for the Scouts for years, even before I was born. While I respected them in their own right, I didn’t think it was fair of them to glare at Isabel when she wasn’t aware of it.

“You know,” I started, keeping my voice low, “the higher-ups and some of the other soldiers put you down because you’re from the Underground. It’s just… _new_ to them. They haven’t met anyone within their ranks that hasn’t gone through the basic military training as cadets. No one jumps right into being a full-fledged soldier.” Isabel shrugged, her happy smile never leaving her face. “…It must have been hard for you, living down there, right?”

The smile on her face vanished at once. “Yeah, I guess…” Although she shrugged her shoulders, I could tell the memories were bothering her. I mentally kicked myself for even bringing the subject up. “I was born in the Underground, so I was used to it. Then I got really sick, and I thought I was gonna die. But Levi found me and saved me. After that, well, life became a little better.”

_He saved her?_ From the way she talked about him, he sounded like her older brother, even though they weren’t actually blood related. But she looked up to him as a savior, as a role model. Without him, she would probably be one of those rotting corpses on the streets of the Underground by now. I shuddered at the thought.

“Levi really saved you, huh?”

She nodded eagerly; I was relieved when the happy-go-lucky smile returned to her face. “He’s the best! And the strongest, even in the Underground! No one can beat him!”

_Let’s hope not. We’ll need him on our side when we go out to fight the Titans on our next expedition._

For the rest of the day, we ran through the basic training exercises and horseback riding lessons. Isabel was a fast learner, no doubt about it. But as I watched her cheer and holler on Edel’s back later in the day, jumping from tree to tree with her ODM gear, a stabbing pain hit me in the chest. She was too carefree, having too much fun with her job. If she didn’t let go of that attitude outside the Walls, she wouldn’t survive very long.

I quickly shook my head. _No_. She wouldn’t die, and neither would her companions. I wouldn’t allow it.

Enough people had died on my watch already; I had no intention of expanding that list.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A longer chapter than usual, but I don't want them to be too short. I have a word count limit for each chapter, and besides, I couldn't really find a good place to break it off, where it wouldn't diminish the impact of the next chapter, which I intend to have stand on its own. 
> 
> Again, thank you for reading! It really means a lot to me. :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been waiting to post this chapter ever since I finished writing it - it's one of the main turning points in the story. I didn't want it to simply be a rewrite of "No Regrets," so I did my best to make it original, especially with the Abnormal attack. Hopefully you guys enjoy it. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's taken an interest in this story so far! :)

|IV|

A week or so later, the expedition was directly upon us. Our new recruits had improved drastically, in riding, killing Titans, and operating their ODM gear as a whole. As the date of the expedition drew nearer, I began to have faith in Erwin’s decision for the first time. Maybe bringing Levi, Furlan, and Isabel into our ranks was the right choice after all.

On the eve before the expedition, Shadis and Erwin met with the rest of the Squad Leaders to review the plans. Erwin had submitted the plans for a “long-distance scouting formation,” as he liked to call it, which would supposedly enable the Scouts to communicate with each other over great distances through color-coded smoke signals. Meanwhile, I retreated to the stables with Daisy, another member of Flagon’s squad. She was a sweet girl, albeit a little airheaded sometimes. The two of us busied ourselves with brushing down our horses, making sure they were all set for tomorrow’s expedition.

When Edel’s coat was silky, and his water bucket was full, I headed back to the main castle of our base. Ever since the incident with Rosalie and Emmett, I couldn’t fall asleep on nights before an expedition. I had to sit on the roof of the castle for a while before I felt even remotely tired.

I couldn’t help it. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Rosalie’s outstretched hand, coated in blood, reaching for my own. I heard Emmett’s final words before the Titan’s teeth crushed his skull like a berry.

I flinched at the memory, freezing right in the middle of the hallway. Now wasn’t the time to dwell on the past. I had to focus on the expedition ahead of me, if I wanted to help my fellow Scouts. It wouldn’t do anyone good if my mind was full of memories of their deaths.

Hanji was right: the only way to truly honor their sacrifices—if you could even call them that—was to keep moving forward and focus on the goal ahead. Our mission was to defeat the Titans once and for all in the name of humanity; I couldn’t lose sight of that mission, no matter what I was secretly feeling.

I couldn’t let my grief drag me down. And I refused to have it affect my current squad, as well.

As I made my way up the stairs toward the open roof, a soft voice stopped me in my tracks. I stiffened at once; I could get in trouble if one of my superiors found me out here in the middle of the night.

But as I strained my ears, I simply sighed. It was only Isabel—she must be here with her boys.

“You said that when we first step outside, it’ll be the three of us all at once! Have you forgotten?”

Her angry voice caught my interest, so I inched closer to the rooftop, keeping my footsteps quiet. I made my way out into the cool night air, onto the stony roof of the castle. Near the edge of the roof, I could see both Isabel and Furlan facing away from me, their hands either on their hips or crossed over their chests. In front of them, sitting on the edge of the roof, seemed to be Levi. To make sure they couldn’t see me, I hid behind one of the stony pillars, only peeking out slightly.

_What’s going on? Why are they angry with him? Did he say they can’t come with him? But we’re all slated to go tomorrow!_

Levi turned away from them, and when he replied, his voice was unusually soft. “It’s the same. When you can’t see the moon or stars, the sky up here is just the same as the sky down there.” The two younger companions gazed up at the night sky, where dark gray clouds began to gather. “The color of the sky, sure. But…”

But this only angered Isabel even more. “But it’s different!” At her sharp tone, Levi whirled around in his seat; I ducked behind the pillar quickly, just to make sure he couldn’t see me. “We know that there’s no ceiling! It’s completely different!”

“That’s right,” Furlan added in, resting a hand on his hip. “The sky is endless. It may be just as dark, but it’s far different from underground.”

My teeth sank into my bottom lip, in an attempt to hold back a whimper. They were so hopeful, so fed up with their old lives in the Underground. Now that they had a taste of the surface world, they never wanted to go back. Of course they wanted to see the stars and the endless sky. It was different when you weren’t used to seeing it every night, like I was. Like my siblings were.

“Look!” Isabel suddenly pointed upward, and the boys followed her gaze. The clouds had shifted in the sky, revealing the full moon in all its pale golden glory. “The moon is so bright!”

The two of them stepped forward and sat next to their leader on the edge of the rooftop, sandwiching him between them. Levi looked between each of them, seemingly a little stunned at their boldness.

“There’s a difference, isn’t there?” Isabel pressed, a cheeky grin on her face.

“Yeah,” Furlan answered with a chuckle. “We’re not underground.”

Silence blanketed the group as they stared up at the moon in the cloudy sky. As I watched them, I felt a smile creep up on my smile. It was honestly inspiring, watching them interact with each other. They were bonded not by blood, but by the harsh life the Underground City had bestowed upon them. They had managed to survive for who knew how many years before Erwin offered them a way out, and now, they wanted nothing more than to stay above on the surface world, staring up at the sky they had been deprived of for so long.

All of that didn’t excuse their criminal behavior, but they all did what they had to do to survive down there. I knew my family would have done the same.

“We’ll never go back down there,” Furlan murmured so quietly I almost couldn’t hear him.

“He’s right, big bro,” Isabel chirped, nudging Levi in the arm. _That’s adorable—he really is like her older brother._ “The three of us always pulled through, right? And it’ll be the same with the Titans. Let’s do this together!”

“Levi, believe in us,” Furlan insisted, leaning closer to him.

I poked my head around the pillar in time to see Levi turn his head back up to the sky. By now, most of the clouds had cleared away, and the stars twinkled down at us. When I was little, Ma always told me and my siblings that each star was a spirit for someone who passed away. I searched for the brightest star in the sky—for two years now, I had told myself it was Dad, looking down and watching over me.

“…Alright,” Levi whispered. Although I couldn’t see his face, I could hear the smile in his voice. “I’ll believe in you.”

Isabel cheered at once, kicking her legs off the edge of the roof, while Furlan tried his best to hide his own laugh. With a smile of my own, I made my way back down the stairs and toward the girls’ barracks. No need to interrupt their perfect personal moment.

Just like the times when Leyna, Ben, and I used to sneak out of the house to watch the stars when we were twelve. At with that thought in my head, upon reaching the barracks in a flash, I curled up into my bed and fell into a dreamless slumber.

|~|

Early in the morning, the Survey Corps were facing the outer gate of Shiganshina. Commander Shadis was stationed at the front, followed by the numerous squads. Our squad was stationed in the middle, with Flagon at the front, and Daisy right at his side. Sairam and I were side-by-side behind them, and Levi, Isabel, and Furlan were directly behind us.

“Open the gate!” At Shadis’ booming voice, the mechanics of the outer gate began to rumble. As it lifted from the ground, Shadis continued, “Today, we take another step forward! Show me the fruits of your training! Show them the strength of humanity!”

The Scouts around us roared with victory, and a wall of fists and blades rose up around us. Our squad was among them, with Sairam, Flagon and I raising our swords, and Isabel punching the air with her little fist.

“We will now begin the 23rd Expedition beyond the Walls! Forward, everyone!”

Shadis kicked his horse into gear and led the ranks out of the gate. The soldiers followed close behind, their green cloaks chasing them. When it was my turn to run forward, I jabbed my heel into Edel’s side and began galloping behind my Squad Leader. The sound of hooves thundering against the pavement filled my ears, and the wind pushed my hood and hair back over my shoulders.

The moment I ran out of the tunnel of the gate and into the sun, I couldn’t suppress the smile that graced my lips. I loved the open air of the world beyond the Walls. The sounds of leaves bustling, rivers rushing, and birds chirping always brought a sense of excitement to my chest, and immediately, I felt like I was five years old again. The outside world was huge, and I wanted to see every inch of it.

The Scouts began to split up and spread out, following Erwin’s new long-distance formation. Flagon led us to the center-right, near the edge of the formation. Our main job was to send off smoke signals and relay messages, if necessary. If this new formation worked like it was supposed to, the chances of us running into a Titan would be slim.

“Wow!” Isabel’s voice rang out from behind me; although I couldn’t look over my shoulder to see her, I imagined that beautiful, innocent smile on her face.

I stole a glance up at the white clouds and the rays of sunlight that shone through. The sight always made me emotional; my father had also seen it, at one point. I only wished my mother and siblings could see it, as well.

_Someday, they will see it. We’ll kill those Titans and make the outside world safe for ourselves again._

I circled back, bringing myself closer to the new recruits. Now that we were spread out, I could see them easily. “What are you doing? Don’t lose your focus. We’re not out here to sightsee. There’s no telling when we could run into a Titan.”

As much as we all wanted it to be a fun adventure, we took each other’s lives in our hands whenever we stepped outside beyond the Walls. No matter how skilled someone was, everyone was in the same amount of danger whenever they went on an expedition. I had seen powerhouses of cadets sweep through training exercises, only to be plucked off by a grinning Titan. No matter how good you were, you were still in as much danger as the newest recruits.

But this didn’t seem to register with Isabel, judging by the mischievous smile on her face. “Ha! If we do see one, we’ll clean it right up for you!”

“Idiot!” She flinched at my sudden harsh voice. And I didn’t miss the glare Levi sent my way. “You wanna be the first do die?!”

Isabel bit her lip, her eyebrows creasing. “What’s your problem?”

Sure, I was being mean, but it was necessary. I didn’t want to see any more of my fellow Scouts die at the hands of the Titans, especially when they were as young as she was. And this went for Levi and Furlan, as well. I didn’t want to see them suffer the same fates as Rosalie and Emmett.

“You’re only able to talk like that because you’ve never seen a Titan before.” And I was just like her at one point, too. When I was a soldier, fresh out of graduation, I felt like I could take on the world. But killing Titans was far different than slicing the napes of the dummies we set up in the forest near our base. “You have no idea just how many good soldiers have lost their lives. You have to stay sharp, no matter how skilled you think you may be.”

Isabel’s eyes diverted from mine, and I could see her cheeks puff out in annoyance. But I couldn’t coddle her like I did during training. If she wanted to survive in the outside world, she had to learn about it the hard way.

“Titan spotted ahead! To the right!”

All heads shot up at the announcement, and my stomach plummeted when I saw the Titan running toward us. With tan skin, brown hair, and a bulky body, it mirrored a human in appearance. But we were _nothing_ like them.

“It’s a fifteen-meter class!” Flagon yelled out, retrieving the signal flare from the pouch on his saddle.

Isabel’s face fell, and Furlan swallowed hard. “That’s…a Titan…?”

Rumbling footsteps sounded from behind me. Throwing a quick glance over my shoulder, I felt my blood freeze in my veins as a pair of Titans advanced toward us. “Two ten-meter class Titans are heading toward us from behind!” It was a struggle to keep my voice steady and controlled.

They were coming up fast; there was no time to dodge them. We would have to engage them with ODM gear, and it wouldn’t be long before Shadis gave the order.

“Prepare for combat!” _There it is._ “Equip your ODM gear!”

The three soldiers at his side stood up in their saddles, the wires of their gear shooting out and latching onto the trees before them. In a flash, they were swinging in the air, their blades drawn and angled toward the Titans. Meanwhile, Flagon shot out a red flare, which released a pillar of red smoke behind it as it ascended into the air.

As the soldiers aimed for one Titan, which was crouched down, it suddenly sprang up, catching one of them in its mouth. With a sickening crunch, the soldier exploded into a mess of blood.

_Emmett—_

“Dammit!” Flagon stood up in his saddle and swung himself toward the Titan. A second later, he flew behind the Titan and sliced the nape of its neck in a flurry of movements. The Titan spurted out the soldier’s blood before falling onto its stomach, finally defeated.

Furlan and Isabel continued to stare at them, slack-jawed and wide-eyed. “They’re more impressive than the Military Police!”

But that was only one of them. We still had two more behind us, and they were moving fast. As he sank back into the saddle, Flagon whirled around to face us. “Stay your course!”

Easier said than done. The urge to fight back was boiling inside me, especially after seeing that soldier get eaten.

A flash of green and black sped past me, and Isabel screamed. “Levi!”

Over my shoulder, I watched as Levi raced toward the pair of Titans behind us. _What is he doing?! Does he want to die early?!_ No one could take down a Titan by themselves, much less two of them.

“Let’s do this, Isabel!” Furlan suddenly yelled. At his words, the two of them circled around and headed toward their leader.

_Now those two?! What is their problem?!_

Was it a common trait among the Underground citizens, to act incredibly reckless? Apparently it was contagious.

Flagon and I circled back around, with Daisy and Sairam close behind us. With wide eyes, I watched as Levi sprung off his black horse’s back and head for the Titan closest to him. In a split second, he spun his wires around, reeling up and slicing the Titan’s neck in one stroke.

As the Titan fell to the ground, Isabel and Furlan went for the other. But they were too slow, and its meaty hand suddenly latched around Isabel’s leg. Before I could scream, however, she brought her blade down and hacked off its finger, freeing herself from its grasp. Meanwhile, Furlan aimed for its neck, and although the swipe was a little off-centered, it still did the job. The Titan sank to the ground, steam pouring out of its wound.

“All of the Titans have been eliminated! Everyone, regroup!”

At Shadis’ announcement, the nearby soldiers began to gather around the Titans’ corpses. The rest of our squad rode up to them, just as the three ex-criminals climbed back on their horses.

Daisy swallowed as she pulled up to Flagon’s side. “Squad Leader, those three…”

He sighed, hanging his head. “I’m beginning to understand why Erwin was so insistent on having them join.”

Erwin stepped up beside us, nodding in approval at Levi and his friends. “Indeed, that was impressive, considering it was your first time.”

Both Isabel and Furlan looked so proud of themselves they were practically trembling. I did my best to bite back my smile; I’d have to congratulate them later. Nothing mattered until we were back home, safe and sound.

“But you used too much gas,” he continued, his eyes stern. “You need to be especially conservative out here.”

Furlan opened his mouth to object, but he was silenced when Levi raised his hand to him. “You’re expecting me to take priority of my equipment over the lives of my friends?”

 _He makes a valid point._ But at the end of the day, if we didn’t have enough gas or blades to get us home, we would all die. There was a way to conserve our supplies and save lives at the same time—it happened every time we stepped outside the Walls. We couldn’t afford to be foolish with our blades or gas; it would only endanger both ourselves and our fellow soldiers.

“You’re performing a lot of unnecessary movements,” Erwin explained. Then, with a soft glare at Levi, his voice dropped: “Are you beginning to have doubts?” Although his expression remained unchanged, Levi’s eyes widened ever so slightly. “If you are, that’ll be the death of you very soon.” With that, he began to ride back toward Shadis, who was waiting for us ahead. Nodding to us, Flagon lead us after him, with myself and Daisy at his side.

|~|

An hour or so into our trek, the white clouds above us began to darken. Before we knew it, rain began to pour from the sky, and we were forced to hike up our hoods to shield our heads from the wetness.

The rain was heavy, coming down in thick sheets. I could barely see Daisy and Sairam, who were practically right next to me. Levi, Furlan, and Isabel lingered behind us, keeping watch for any Titans who may sneak up on us.

Flagon brought himself back to us, his horse snorting through the fog and rain. His eyes squinted underneath his gray hood. “Where are the others?” At his words, Isabel and Furlan emerged from the fog next to us, breathing heavily.

But they were short one.

“Where’s Levi?” Sairam coughed, shielding his eyes with his arm. “Is he dead?”

“Not a chance!” Isabel screamed at him, her green eyes flashing. “We just got separated in the fog. He’ll come back—you can bet on it!”

Her admiration and love for him were commendable, but they wouldn’t be enough to protect him. As much as it hurt, even Levi could perish out here, depending on the situation he found himself in. The chances of a lone soldier were slim enough as it was; it was damn near impossible to do so in such heavy rain.

At this point, our squad seemed to be isolated by the weather. Shadis, Erwin, and their squads were far ahead of us, so we were on our own. The only sound was the rain pelting down on our green cloaks.

Edel snorted and shook his head—he must have gotten some water in his eyes. I reached over and pat his neck softly. He wanted to go home, and I couldn’t agree more. I didn’t like this one bit.

Isabel suddenly yelped out, jerking her horse around. “It’s a Ti—”

A huge shadow suddenly shot out from the forest beside us, carrying itself on all four legs. With wild black hair and blazing red eyes, it bared its teeth and let out a sickening snarl.

I snapped Edel’s reins back hard, causing him to whinny loudly. Flagon shrieked as the Titan lunged for us. Before anyone could do anything, the Titan latched its jaws around Sairam, plucking him off his horse and shaking him around in its mouth, just like a dog with a toy. As we split up, his screams drowned out the sound of the rain on our backs, his blood falling to the ground in large drops.

_We didn’t even hear it approach! It came on so suddenly!_

“Squad, engage ODM gear!” Flagon retrieved his blades and shot off from his horse’s back, sinking his wires into the Titan’s back. I did my best to do the same, swallowing the bile that rose in my throat. “Take it out!”

The Titan spit out Sairam’s body, and he landed in the mud, his waist barely clinging onto the rest of his body. Isabel screamed and turned away, squeezing her eyes shut. Furlan looked like he was about to throw up at any moment.

“Come on!” I screamed at them, hiking myself up onto Edel’s back. “This is our chance! Do as you’re told!”

Hooking my wires into the Titan’s back, I pushed myself off and began to speed toward it. Just the sight of it turned my stomach to stone: it was unlike any Titan I’d ever seen before. Its smile, its eyes, and the grumbling sounds it spit out. If I had to put a label on it, I would assume it was an Abnormal—one of the harder Titans to take out.

Daisy joined me in the air, but before she could angle her blades toward the monster, it swiped at her, throwing her off balance. As she struggled in the air, it leaped toward her, catching her legs in its mouth. The scream she released was deafening.

“Daisy!” With a groan, I swung myself around the Titan’s backside, preparing to slice its nape. But before I could get near it, its other arm flailed out. I ducked quickly, just barely missing the huge fist. I crouched down on the ground, shielding my head with my arms.

Flagon sped toward the Titan, but it snapped its jaws at him, next. Daisy was now on the ground, with nothing but bloody stubs for legs now. She let out a sob, trying to scramble away from the Titan in the mud. Flagon screamed, but it was cut off shortly as the Titan bit down hard on him. Shaking its head around, I caught sight of one of his arms flying into the distance.

 _This Titan doesn’t even fight with its arms! It acts so animalistic!_ Attacking with its teeth, supporting itself on all fours, and letting out grunts and growls. It lacked intelligence, just like any other Titan, but there was something different with this one. It acted on _lethal_ animalistic instincts—and we weren’t prepared to face it in combat.

Through the rain, I could see Isabel and Furlan soaring toward the Titan. Although they were terrified, they refused to tuck tail and run. I had to admire their courage.

The Titan snarled, letting Flagon’s remains fall from its mouth. When its eyes met the advancing forms of Isabel and Furlan, it ran at them, crushing Daisy’s body into the ground in the process. As the two of them broke away from each other, I latched my wires into the Titan’s back, swinging myself toward its nape.

_I can end it. I can end it all!_

Suddenly, it stepped to the side, throwing me off balance and heading for Isabel. She screamed as the Titan’s mouth enveloped her body from the neck up—and fell silent as it bit down hard.

As I landed in the mud below, I felt my body freeze up. All I could focus on was Izzy’s head flailing in the air, before hitting the ground with a soft thump.

“Isabel!” Furlan’s voice was no more than an agonized sob as he landed on the ground. But before he could run toward her, the Titan intercepted, lunging for him next.

“No!” I sank my wires into the Titan’s neck, drawing its attention from him to me. _I can’t let him die, too!_ “Get away from him!”

The Titan’s teeth flashed before me, but I aimed myself upward into the air. However, I wasn’t so lucky; my wire was caught in its teeth. I couldn’t retract it without getting close to its face.

Before I could do anything, its head swung side to side, and suddenly, my back crashed into the hard trunk of a nearby tree. I fell on my side, squishing my left arm. My chest felt unnaturally tight—it was hard to breathe.

I coughed out mud and rain, raising my head to the Titan. With those malicious crimson eyes, the Titan seemed to smirk at me, and it jerked my body closer with the wire, which was still in its teeth.

I sobbed as it dragged me through the mud; I fumbled with the wire, trying to cut myself free from it. From the corner of my eye, I saw Furlan flying toward the Titan, his blades flashing in the rain. But the Titan was faster, and it swung its head around to meet him. He let out a final scream as his lower half was caught in the Titan’s jaws, flecks of blood spilling out into the air.

With a groan, I moved myself onto my stomach, supporting my body on my elbows. As I watched the Titan chew on Furlan’s remains, a sob bubbled in the back of my throat. Daisy’s bloody corpse was splattered into the ground, and nearby, Sairam’s lower half rested near the trees.

_It’s happened again. It’s Rosalie and Emmett all over again. I already watched one squad die at the hands and teeth of the Titans—why is it happening again? What did I do wrong?_

Tears dripped down my cheeks, joining the rain on my face. Flagon, Daisy, Sairam, Isabel, Furlan. _They couldn’t be dead! They just couldn’t be!_

But my own words rang in my head: _No matter how good you were, you were still in as much danger as the newest recruits._ The bile rose into my mouth, and I coughed up a repulsive mix of spit and puke.

I squeezed my eyes shut, the sound of the rain blending in with the sound of the Titan munching on Furlan’s corpse. It was only a matter of time before it realized I was still alive. Was this how I was going to go out? Was I really going to die at the hands of a Titan? Was my fate the same as Rosalie and Emmett’s? Like Flagon’s, and Sairam’s, and Isabel’s? 

A horse whinny exploded through the rain. With a hard swallow, I thought of Edel. I hoped with all my heart he was safe. Titans never went for horses, but there was no guarantee a carnivore of some sort, like a wild dog or a boar, wouldn’t go for him.

My chest still hurt—maybe I had a broken rib. I swallowed my sobs and stared up at the Titan, who had just coughed out Furlan’s upper half. The urge to vomit rose up within me, but I managed to hold it down.

I would go out with dignity. I wouldn’t let this creature of hell have the satisfaction of seeing how scared I was. I was going to take it like a soldier, staring that Titan in the eye as it bit down into me.

I sniffled at the thought of my mother, back at her lonely home in Shiganshina. _I’m sorry, Ma. I know you didn’t want me to join the Scouts, but I couldn’t help myself._ My path in life was the same as my father’s, and I had intended to honor his name in any way possible.

What would my siblings think? Ben would be devastated, considering how close we were, but what about Leyna? Would she mourn for me, or would she simply shrug her shoulders and say I had it coming? How would they react when Commander Shadis delivered my cloak and Survey Corps patches to them in a few days?

The Titan above me suddenly stepped back, shaking its head and flailing raindrops everywhere. Its mouth glistened with blood— _was that Furlan’s or Daisy’s?_ Did it really matter anymore? Its head swung rapidly to the side, its burning eyes scanning the area around it. A bloody gash was now carved into the right side of its face.

 _What’s its problem?_ I raised my head ever so slowly, just in time to see a small dark figure swoop down and slash at the side of its neck. The Titan screeched as the figure—a Scout, by the green cloak—whirled around and sliced up its back. In the air, the Scout bared his blades.

I squinted my eyes. _Is that Levi?_

He moved like lightning, cutting along the Titan’s torso, shoulders, and legs, bringing it to its knees in just seconds. All the while, he was screaming with each slash. Blood splattered into the air, mixing in with the rain. He moved so fast I couldn’t even keep up with him.

Before I knew it, the Titan’s head was flying in the air, and the Scout sliced at its nape. As the corpse crashed down, the Scout landed in the mud, looking down at something in front of him. Through the rain, I could see it was Isabel’s severed head.

_It **is** Levi…_

From the way his shoulders shook, I could tell he was sobbing. I lifted my head and tried to crawl toward him, but the pain in my chest was too much, and I sank back into the mud. I groaned, tears flowing out of my eyes.

 _Not again._ This couldn’t have happened again.

When I looked back up, I saw Levi kneel down to Isabel’s head and brush his hand over her face. Closing her eyes, perhaps, to let her rest in peace. I fought back another sob at the thought.

The sound of hoof beats filled the air, and the nearby squads surrounded the steaming, bloody corpse of the Titan. Shadis and Erwin were there, as well as the other squads. I saw Hanji next to Mike, but I couldn’t call out to her. My energy was rapidly slipping away, and I could barely lift my arm to wave to her.

Erwin stared at Levi with cold blue eyes. “So, you’re the only survivor? How pathetic.”

Levi swung his head around to face him. There was blood on his face, and his black bangs hung wildly in his eyes. With a growl, he ran toward Erwin, swinging one of his blades at him. But before he could cut him, Erwin caught the blade with his bare hand. As he struggled to hold the ex-criminal back, Mike stepped forward, readying his own blades.

“I’m going to kill you!” The rage and agony were evident in Levi’s strained voice. “That’s why I’m here!”

The other Scouts watched the exchange, their hands on their sword handles, as well. Erwin continued to stare at Levi, his palm becoming bloody from gripping the blade. Suddenly, he reached into his jacket pocket and threw a scroll of documents onto the mud. Levi watched it, his eyes flashing in recognition.

“These documents revealing Lobov’s crimes are fake. The real ones have likely reached Darius Zackly by now. Lobov is finished.”

Only Levi appeared to know what he was talking about, by the fury in his eyes. He pushed the blade further into Erwin’s skin, making me wince. “You knew everything right from the start! You knew we were after you, and yet you—”

Before he could lunge again, Mike caught him and pulled him back. Realization sank into his face, and Levi landed in the mud on his knees, staring blankly ahead.

 _What does he mean? Was he after Erwin, with Isabel and Furlan? Were they secretly working for someone to try to kill him?_ It didn’t make any sense, for someone to send them after Erwin. He had no grudge against anyone, especially those in the Underground City.

Levi’s eyes were glued to the dirt, tears and rain drenching his face. But before he could sob, Erwin spoke up:

“Don’t. You’ll regret it. If you begin to regret, you’ll dull your future decisions and let others make your choices for you. All that’s left for you then is to die. Nobody can foretell the outcome. Each decision you make holds meaning only by affecting your next decision.” When Levi didn’t respond, Erwin closed his eyes. “We will continue the expeditions. I expect you’ll come with me.”

With that, he turned and walked away, leaving the black-haired Scout alone in the mud.

I groaned again, struggling to drag myself closer to the Scouts, who were searching the area for any other survivors. As I placed my hand on the dirt, something hard and cold hit my fingers.

Isabel’s necklace.

The sob I choked out was enough to get a nearby Scout’s attention: “We got a live one over here!”

I heard Hanji gasp as she ran toward me. “Mia! You’re alive!”

I pulled my arm back, tucking the necklace into my jacket pocket before slumping into the dirt below. Just as Hanji reached my side, I felt my eyes flutter shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, I was going to have Mia accidentally interrupt the trio's moment on the roof of the base, but at the last moment, I decided against it. There will be plenty of other opportunities for her to interact with Levi. 
> 
> Let me know what you think. Again, thank you for reading! :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will explore Mia's origin a little bit, as well as her relationship with her siblings. As a child, she was incredibly close to both her brother and sister, and although they eventually chose different branches of the military, they continue to be close with each other. I hope you enjoy!

|V|

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was the burning pain in my chest every time I tried to breathe. I groaned, pressing a hand to my forehead, and feeling the cool sheets of the bed slide against my arm. It looked like I was in the medical wing of the Survey Corps base; my assumptions proved to be correct when I turned my head, just to see various Scouts laying in the beds beside me.

The memories of the expedition hit me like a tidal wave. I pressed my fist against my mouth to hold in the sobs. Flagon. Sairam. Daisy. Isabel. Furlan. They were all gone. My whole squad was gone, just like Rosalie and Emmett.

Tears leaked from my eyes and spilled onto the corners of the pillow. _Please, let me wake up from this nightmare. I don’t want to be alone again._

At the sound of my crying, a nurse rushed to my side immediately. She rested a warm hand on my forehead, shushing me with her soft voice.

“It’s alright,” she murmured, trailing her finger against my cheek. “You’re safe now. You’ll be okay.” Once she was sure I didn’t have a fever, she glanced at the chart at the foot of my bed. “You have two broken ribs, and you dislocated your left shoulder. You took quite the hard hit, but you’ll heal up in no time. You just have to rest and take it easy.”

I couldn’t speak, my throat was too raw. Instead I gave her a small nod, staring ahead at the white wall across from me.

“I’ll let the Commander know you’re awake. Squad Leader Hanji has been bothering me all day,” she added, rolling her eyes. I let out a weak laugh at that.

A few minutes later, Commander Shadis stepped in, with Hanji at his side. The moment she saw me, Hanji raced to my side and knelt to my level. Behind her goggles, her eyes glistened with happy tears.

“You’re okay! How are you feeling, Mia?” I shrugged, pointing to my throat. She was a smart girl, she could put the pieces together. “Ah, I get it. The nurse told me I was bothering her, but I didn’t want to leave you alone.” I shook my head, resting a hand on her shoulder. I was blessed to have such a passionate friend like her.

Commander Shadis nodded to me. “It’s good to see you awake, Wolf. You’ve been out for two days. You gave us quite the scare.” I nodded, but before I could open my mouth to respond, he held up his hand. “No, don’t strain yourself. It’s alright, save your energy.”

They didn’t stay for long, since the nurse shooed them away soon after. She didn’t want them to keep me from resting, apparently, so I was left alone once again. As I scanned the room, I saw my military jacket and Survey Corps cloak resting on the chair beside my bed. With a groan, I reached over into my jacket pocket, and I bit back a sob as my fingers curled around the piece of metal inside. With a sharp intake of breath, I pulled out Isabel’s golden necklace and held it up to my face.

All I could see was her severed head, her green eyes wide with terror. I saw Furlan’s upper half being spit out by the Abnormal Titan, his guts spilling out on the dirt. I saw Daisy’s body, her bloody leg stumps swinging around, being crushed underneath the Titan’s hand. I saw both Sairam and Flagon in the Titan’s jaws, their blood staining its bared teeth.

I squeezed my eyes shut. Again, the urge to vomit built up in my throat. But still, all I saw was the remains of my squad littered around me. With a quiet sob, I pressed her necklace against my chest, leaning up and touching my own necklace at the same time. I let the tears come, and eventually, I wore myself out and succumbed to sleep’s clutches.

|~|

_The year was 833. I was twelve years old. Currently, I was standing along with the other members of the 90 th Training Corps of the Southern Division. Leyna and Ben stood on either side of me, their hands pulled behind them tightly. _

_Today was the first day of our training. A couple days ago, we had signed up to join the military, with each of us planning on joining a different branch. I had my heart set on becoming a Scout in the Survey Corps, just like Dad. Meanwhile, Ben wanted to join the Garrison, and Leyna planned on becoming part of the Military Police. She would have to get into the top ten for that to happen, though._

_“Attention, cadets!” At our new instructor’s voice, everyone around us saluted. I tried my hardest to bite back a smile as I pressed my curled fist against my heart. “The 90 th Training Corps has officially begun! My name is Claude Duvalier, and you will grow to hate me over these years. I do not see fighters before me—I see easy pickings for the Titans outside those Walls. But over these three years, we will mold you into something slightly more than Titan fodder. You will learn how to operate your ODM gear and bring down Titans with your fellow comrades. Take a look around you, cadets. These are your fellow soldiers. Some of them will rise in the ranks, some will not. Some will be breathing three years from now, others will not. It’s up to you to decide how you end up three years for now. Will you be Titan food, or will you bring honor to humanity?” _

_Oh, I planned on bringing honor to humanity. Three years from now, I would be standing among the Scouts, with the Wings of Freedom crest on my back._

_Since Dad had gone through the same amount of military training before he joined the Scouts, he felt it appropriate to warn us about the harsh instructors the cadet corps were known for. While Leyna looked a little skeptical, this news didn’t discourage me. I had to work for my place as a Scout, and I intended to do just that._

_The instructor slowly made his way through the rows of cadets. From what I could see of him, he was a tall, intimidating man with brown hair and striking green eyes. He wore the traditional training corps coat with the patch of the crossed swords on its sleeves. Just the sight of him made my stomach churn._

_But I was ready for this. Ever since I was little, this was all I wanted to do. Especially now that Dad could no longer be a Scout, it was my duty to make him proud._

_Duvalier suddenly stopped in front of a mousy girl in the row before us. “And what do they call you?”_

_She flinched before responding, “Sara Meyer from Quinta District, sir!”_

_“Speak up, cadet!”_

_“Sara Meyer from Quinta, sir!”_

_“I see. You’ll make excellent food for the Titans. You!” He turned his attention to the boy next to her. “What’s your name?”_

_“Isak Winters from Shiganshina, sir!”_

_“And why are you here, maggot?”_

_“I’m here to join the Military Police, sir! I want to bring glory to humanity and protect the king!”_

_Leyna stiffened from her place next to me. It looked like she had a rival._

_This went on for a while, with Duvalier passing a handful of students and simply glaring at them. Finally, he reached our row on the right side—and the first one he reached was Ben, who looked like he was about to puke at any moment._

_“Who are you, boy?”_

_He gulped and saluted, trying his best to conceal his shaking fist. “Benjamin Wolf from Shiganshina, sir! I want to join the Garrison, sir!”_

_“Ah, I see… A tiny lad like you won’t provide much meat for the Titans—maybe they’ll spare you when they see you.”_

_I bit my lip, struggling not to talk back to him. Ben looked absolutely terrified…but if he couldn’t get through this, he could kiss his dreams of serving in the Garrison goodbye._

_“You!” I jolted as Duvalier suddenly stood in front of me. I jabbed my fist into my heart, nearly coughing as I did. “What’s your name?”_

_“Mia Wolf, also from Shiganshina, sir!”_

_His eyes flickered back and forth between me and Ben. “Oh, you’re siblings. And where do you aim to be in three years, Wolf?”_

_My voice rang loud and clear: “The Survey Corps, sir.”_

_Soft gasps erupted from around us; from the corner of my eye, I saw Leyna give me the tiniest shake of her head. A few people behind me snickered, but I didn’t back down. My father did the same, and he was one of the strongest soldiers of the Scouts._

_“Eager to die, aren’t you? Well, I won’t stop you.” Then, he moved onto Leyna. “And you?”_

_“Leyna Wolf, from Shiganshina District!”_

_Duvalier looked genuinely surprised. “I should have known… Which branch do you aim to join?”_

_“The Military Police, sir. I aim to serve the king and protect the citizens within the Walls.”_

_Our instructor stepped back and examined us with condescending eyes. “Well, it appears we have a set of triplets in our ranks. Hopefully you plan to put up a fight when the Titans come for you.”_

_The three of us responded in unison: “Yes, sir!”_

|~|

“I’m sorry, Squad Leader, but she’s resting at the moment. Come back later, okay?”

My eyes opened at the nurse’s voice. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her pushing a blond man out toward the door. My eyes widened instantly.

_Erwin!_

“Wait,” I grumbled, my voice barely passing through. My throat didn’t hurt as much as it did earlier, but it was still a chore to talk.

The nurse sighed and let Erwin pass. He gazed at me with sympathetic blue eyes. “How are you feeling, Wolf?”

I shrugged my shoulders, wincing at the bolt of pain that shot up my chest. “I’ve been better, sir, thank you.”

He nodded, his eyes dropping to my chest. I swallowed when I realized he was staring at the necklace in my hand—the one that belonged to Isabel. The tears surged forward, but I fought to hold them back.

“It happened again, sir. My squad was wiped out…just like last time…” A sob wracked my throat as I held the golden charm up to my face. Bright and innocent, just like Izzy. “I’m sorry… I failed them. I wasn’t fast enough, maybe I could’ve—”

“Stop.” I shut my mouth at his sudden voice. “It wasn’t your fault. It was unavoidable. There was nothing you could have done.”

But deep down, I knew there was. I could have been faster in killing that Titan before it got to Flagon, or Daisy, or Furlan. _If I could’ve just saved one of them, maybe I wouldn’t feel so guilty._

Maybe I was cursed. First it was Rosalie and Emmett, and now it was Flagon and his squad. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a soldier. Maybe all I brought to my comrades was death and guilt.

“You’re not the only one suffering, though,” he continued, motioning to the necklace I held in my hand. “Levi is also going through a hard time.”

 _Levi._ My heart raced at the memory of him slicing the Titan up. “He’s still here? He didn’t leave?”

Erwin shook his head. “He’s still a Scout. I assume you’re wondering about his original role in the Survey Corps, as well as his companions.” When I nodded, he hung his head. “They were sent to steal some documents in my possession and end my life. However, I managed to act before they had a chance to do so. But it appeared…those two soldiers had committed themselves to the cause for real.”

I thought of Isabel and her eagerness to kill Titans, of Furlan and his adorable first attempt to salute. They really had dedicated themselves for the good of humanity, whether they intended to or now. But could the same be said about Levi? If his friends were dead, why was he still with us?

“It’s natural to mourn, Wolf, but we must carry on. You know that all too well.” The faces of Rosalie and Emmett flashed in my mind. _Yeah, I did._ “But he doesn’t seem to. Reach out to him when you can—perhaps the thing he needs the most right now is someone who understands his pain.”

All I could think of was the way Levi looked at me, with his cold gray eyes and curled lip. How could Erwin expect me to get close enough to him to share his pain? Was he insane? Sure, he had a lot of good ideas bouncing around in that blond head of his, but was this one of them?

But at the same time, I knew I couldn’t turn my back on someone who was suffering. It was in my nature—sometimes Ma told me my heart was too big for my own good. Whenever Ben or Leyna looked like they were about to cry, I would crawl over to them and hug them tightly, burying my face in their shoulders. Ben usually welcomed me; Leyna, not so much, but she grew to tolerate it. Sometimes Ma would be the one who lost it, especially after Dad lost his legs and had to retire early. It always hurt to see her cry, so I would run to her room, grab the small quilt her mother had made for her, and drape it over her shoulders. I knew it made her feel better—it still smelled of her old home in Wall Sina.

As scary as he was, Levi was no exception, especially if he was suffering the same pain I was. We were the last surviving members of Flagon’s squad. If we had to turn to anyone who understood our pain, we could only turn to each other. Whether or not he would accept me was a different issue. Still, I had to try. I had to let him know he wasn’t alone in this world.

With a swallow, I fingered the golden charm on Isabel’s necklace. She said Levi gave this to her. Since we couldn’t bury it with her (barely any Scouts got a proper burial anymore), it seemed only fitting to return it to him. Maybe if he had a piece of his friends, he would feel a little better.

“I’ll do my best, Squad Leader,” I finally answered, pressing my fist against my heart. Isabel’s charm thumped against my chest.

|~|

The next few nights were hard—probably the hardest since I lost Rosalie and Emmett. The more I recovered from the attack, the better my memory grew. Every time I closed my eyes, I could only see the Abnormal’s terrifying red eyes and blood-stained teeth. Furlan’s chewed-up remains and Isabel’s head splashed behind my eyelids.

_No._

Daisy’s scream as she fell to the ground, her legs now inside the Titan’s stomach. I flinched as her injury reminded me of my father’s, right when he came home from his last expedition beyond the Walls.

_Stop it._

Sairam’s wide eyes as he stared up into the Titan’s outstretched jaws, disappearing into its maw seconds later. Although he was the know-it-all of our squad, he still had a kind heart. He was the first one to accept me into Flagon’s squad right after I’d lost my own.

_Please!_

I felt the tug on my waist, where the Titan had yanked me toward it. My chest was tight and it was difficult to breathe. I could almost feel the Titan’s wretched breath on my face, heavy with the stench of my squad’s blood.

With a groan, I gripped my head and sat up in bed. It was nighttime by now, and I was the only one in the medical wing—the other soldiers had all been excused. The nurse wanted me to stay behind for another few days, just so my ribs could heal properly.

I didn’t want to be alone. That was the last thing I wanted right now. But I couldn’t exactly leave and go bother Hanji; she needed her sleep as much as I needed mine. I just had to power through it.

Sighing, I rested my head on the pillows again, staring up at the white ceiling of the wing. Isabel’s necklace still clung to my fingers, the charm growing warm in my grasp. I reached up to touch my own wolf necklace, swallowing hard as I pressed it into my throat.

_Come on, go back to sleep. You’ll feel better once you do._

Eventually, I lost track of time, and I found myself slowly losing consciousness.

|~|

_Our first day of training was simply meeting our new cadets and figuring out what to expect from our new instructor. At sunset, we were finally free from his clutches. The real training would begin tomorrow._

_Everyone ran to the mess hall once they were dismissed, myself and my siblings among them. The three of us found a table in the corner nearest to the door and began chowing down on the stew the chefs were serving. It was alright for what it was worth—nothing could beat Ma’s cooking._

_“I hope Instructor Duvalier doesn’t pick on us for being triplets too much,” Ben finally spoke up, shoveling another spoonful of stew into his mouth. “It’s gonna get old really fast.”_

_Leyna shrugged her shoulders. “Oh well, we’ll just have to bear through it. We have to show him we can take anything he throws at us. We have to prove we’re good enough to be in the military.”_

_She so desperately wanted to add “police” at the end of her sentence, I could tell. But Ben and I had made it clear to her, even when we were eight and full of dreams, that neither of us had no intention of joining the MPs with her. From the way Dad spoke about them, they seemed like lazy jerks who let everyone else do their work for them._

_But Leyna didn’t seem to see that. Instead, she yearned to meet the king within the inner Wall and serve him until the day she died. It was because of him, she often argued, that we were able to survive in the Walls to begin with. Without his leadership, we would be lost._

_I didn’t see it._

_“I wonder what they’ll have us do tomorrow?” I asked instead. No need to start a fight with her, especially in public._

_“Probably have us fit in the harnesses, to get us ready for ODM training,” Ben answered at once. “I mean, isn’t that what Dad said?”_

_“I think so.”_

_Leyna suddenly stiffened and burst up from her seat, glaring behind both me and our brother. In her hand she clutched her spoon, as if it was a blade._

_“Relax, buddy,” a feminine voice erupted from behind me. “I didn’t mean to scare you!”_

_Ben and I turned around, and my eyes met the brown ones of a tall girl. She wore the standard cadet uniform, but with a pale yellow shirt underneath her jacket instead (mine was pale green, since it was my favorite color, Ben’s was dark blue, and Leyna’s was rose-colored). Her long brown hair was pulled up into a messy ponytail, brushing against her back, and she wore a pair of shiny glasses on her face._

**_Wait, she has problems seeing things in the distance?_ ** _Why would she join the military if she had trouble seeing?_

_“I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, sorry!” she chirped excitedly, sliding into the seat next to me. “Your father is really part of the Survey Corps?”_

_Leyna didn’t look thrilled at the newcomer, but she lowered herself back in her seat, still clutching the spoon. “Yeah,” she replied rather harshly, “he was. Then he had to retire early.”_

_The brown-haired girl’s jaw dropped. “Really?! Why’s that?”_

_Leyna shot me a disapproving glance before growling, “His legs were bitten off a few years ago. He’s okay now, but he can’t walk anymore.” Her eyes dropped to the bowl of stew before her, and she jammed the spoon back in. Tiny drops of broth sprayed out onto the table. “If you ask me,” she mumbled, “he would’ve been fine if he wasn’t a Scout to begin with.”_

_“No, he wouldn’t!” I yelled at her, putting on my fiercest glare. “Bite your tongue! He was a great Scout, probably the best they’ve ever seen! It was just an accident!”_

_I couldn’t stand it when Leyna looked down on Dad for his chosen military branch. She was no better than those thugs who had attacked him in the streets of Ehrmich District when we were four. She undermined his progress within the Survey Corps; she acted as though he hadn’t constantly put his life on the line in order to give us all a better chance at life._

_Leyna’s blue eyes met mine, flashing with hostility. “If he’d never joined the Scouts in the first place, he would still have both of his legs. He decided to risk his life beyond the Walls, and look where it got him. And you want to meet the same fate, don’t you?”_

_I couldn’t take it anymore. Tears brimmed my eyes as I forced myself up and out of the table, racing toward the door. I was thankful we were so close, just so the other cadets couldn’t see me crying. I didn’t need to be known as the crybaby cadet, especially on the first day._

_As I reached the steps of the front porch outside the mess hall, I plopped down and buried my face in my hands. All I could think of was Dad back at home, and Ma taking care of him. He was confined to the bed in their shared room most of the time; when he wasn’t, he was wheeling himself around in the special chair his friends from the Scouts had managed to build for him. Watching him wheel around the house with that familiar spark in his eye made me happy—but the moment he curled back up in that bed, my heart dropped to my stomach._

_I had seen soldiers come back from expeditions missing an arm or a leg before, but I’d never thought it would happen to Dad. He had been in the Survey Corps since he was sixteen, and he managed to go a full decade without any serious injuries, save for a concussion here or there (which was our little secret—he never told Ma about those). That’s why, when the Survey Corps medics brought him into our home, with both of his legs absent and wrapped up in bandages, I couldn’t believe it. But the Commander, from what Dad had told me, was a serious man who hated joking around. This was all real; Dad had been hurt badly._

_The door behind me opened, and I froze up on the step. I swallowed at the thought of Leyna chiding me, or Ben attempting to comfort me and bring me back in, so I could swallow my pride and apologize for lashing out at Leyna. I didn’t want to deal with either of them right now._

_“Hey, I’m sorry if I upset you.”_

_I turned around. It was the brown-haired girl with the glasses, smiling sympathetically at me. My eyes were glued on her as she stepped forward and sat down beside me on the step._

_“I just got so excited when I heard you guys had a father who was a Scout. But if I made you guys upset… I hope I didn’t start anything between you and your sister…”_

_“No, it’s okay,” I forced out, wiping the stray tears away. “Leyna’s always been like that. I think it’s in her blood to be annoying all the time.” The two of us chuckled dryly at this._

_“So…what’s your name?” she finally asked. Her brown bangs fell in her face, almost shielding her eyes completely._

_“I’m Mia Wolf.”_

_“Ooh, you guys are the triplets Duvalier was talking about earlier! Well, it’s nice to meet you, Mia. I’m Hanji Zoë.”_

_She stuck out her hand, which I took without hesitation. Although her appearance was a little on the wild side, she seemed nice enough. A few minutes later, we were sucked into a conversation about our families back home, and which branch of the military we wanted to join once we graduated._

_“My dad thinks I’m crazy for wanting to join the Scouts,” she continued, leaning back to look up at the stars. “He said I would be a great strategist in the Garrison, but they don’t get to go out and fight Titans. The Scouts are the ones who do all the fighting—that’s why I want to join them.”_

_“I get it. My family doesn’t want me to join the Survey Corps. But since…Dad’s accident, I’ve wanted to join them and take his place. He’s a legend among the Scouts, you know.”_

_“That’s awesome! And what about your brother and sister?”_

_“Leyna wants to join the MPs, surprisingly,” I added in sarcastically. “But Ben wants to join the Garrison. I think they’re both good fits for them.” It was the only thing I could say that wasn’t extremely bitter toward my sister._

_Hanji shrugged and rolled her eyes. “Ah, they wanna take the easy way out! We’ll be the ones that fight the Titans, won’t we?”_

_“Yeah! And we’ll win back the territory they’ve stolen from us, right?”_

_“Yup!”_

_By the Walls, I couldn’t wait for that day._

|~|

I awoke just before sunrise, the memory of meeting my best friend still fresh in my mind. As I watched the sun peak up and over the edge of Wall Rose, I felt a tiny weight lift itself off my chest.

I could power through this. I knew I could.

_I will survive this pain._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I chose the character of Claude Duvalier to be the training instructor. According to the SnK/AoT wiki, he was a former member of the Survey Corps who later became an instructor. Since he was only mentioned in the guidebook and not the actual manga or anime, I thought it was safe to incorporate him into the story. 
> 
> I plan to have more flashbacks of Mia's cadet days sprinkled throughout the story, but I won't overdo it. I'll only cover the major events (the winter mountain exercise (like Ymir and Historia), and perhaps the "bandits" exercise). Again, thank you so much for reading my story!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***I just want to issue a content warning for this chapter before you start reading: this chapter deals with sexual assault and attempted rape, so please turn away if that makes you feel uncomfortable. I know I left a warning about it in the tags, but it wouldn't be right for me to continue without pinpointing the chapter in which it takes place.***
> 
> And as a side note: Please, if you've ever had an experience with sexual assault in the past, do not be afraid to speak up. Let your voice be heard; do not let anyone scare you into staying silent. And if you ever need to speak with anyone about these issues, I'm always available.

|VI|

_The wind blew past my ears, knocking my hair off my shoulders. I could see the wooden Titan dummy up ahead, near the edge of the forest. With a smile, I bared my blades and began to speed up._

_“Hold up, Mia!” In a blur of white and brown, the tiny form of Charlotte Peters barreled past me, her swords angled and ready. Before I could do anything, the rubber nape of the Titan dummy was sliced—a perfect cut that would kill a normal Titan instantly._

_The small black-haired girl laughed out loud as I chased her around the trees. “Damn it, Charlie! That was mine!”_

_“Sorry, Wolfie,” she chuckled, ticking out her tongue. “You gotta be faster than that!”_

_Cheeky little jerk…_

_I could hear the other soldiers advancing toward us from behind. I couldn’t let them get ahead of me._

_“You’re not gonna steal my thunder. Move aside, Charlie!”_

_With a burst of speed, I soared ahead and aimed for the next Titan dummy ahead. I could feel my blood pounding in my veins—every bump my heart made vibrated in my ears. I let out a roar as I neared the Titan, smirking as my swords ripped through the soft material. I peered over my shoulder, a warm glow of pride rising my chest as I saw the perfect slash in its skin._

**_Got it!_ **

_Two more shapes joined me and Charlotte in the trees: Ben and his best friend, Blaise Becker. Upon seeing me, Ben smirked and latched his wires onto another tree. The years of military training had really strengthened him—no longer was he the shy, meek little boy who nearly vomited when Duvalier addressed him for the first time. His arms were covered with a thick layer of muscle, and a confident smile always graced his features._

_“Nice job, girls! But now it’s our turn!” With a victory cry, both he and Blaise surged forward, aiming for the pair of Titan dummies toward the right._

_“I don’t think so!” I nodded to Charlie, and as she laughed, the two of us followed my brother and his friend._

|~|

_The graduation ceremony was scheduled to take place tonight. Instructor Duvalier had posted a list of cadets on the door of the mess hall, stating who the top ten cadets were. The moment we shed our ODM gear from our last training session, Hanji and I raced to the door to see if our names were written down._

_It was now the year 836, and the two of us had only changed minimally over the years. Hanji had cut her hair right after an incident involving the ODM gear when we were twelve, so now it only brushed against the back of her neck. In my opinion, she looked much better with shorter hair. Meanwhile, my hair had stayed the same, touching the tips of my shoulders, in its usual half-up half-down style. Leyna, however, had switched from her twin braided pigtails to a single braid down her back._

_Once we reached the door, my eyes scanned the small white paper eagerly. My jaw dropped as I found my name right next to the number three, with Leyna and Ben right above me._

**_I placed third? I can’t believe it!_ ** _Surely there were other cadets who were stronger and more skilled than me, right?_

_Beside me, Hanji cheered and punched the air. “I’m on the list, right behind you, Mia!” Indeed, her name was written next to the number four._

_As the thought settled in, I found myself smiling. The ranking didn’t matter to me, since I had no intention of joining the Military Police, but it was a good piece of news to tell my parents when I visited them again._

_Suddenly, a pair of arms wrapped around my waist from behind, and a solid chest pressed against my back. My face heated up as Jackson kissed the top of my head—Hanji was right there! But she was occupied, still staring at the list of cadets on the door._

_With a nervous smile, I wormed my way out of his arms and stared at my boyfriend. His dark blue eyes were sparkling with mischief, especially when he reached over and messed my hair up._

_“How’s my favorite girl today?”_

_“I’d better be your favorite girl,” I retorted, crossing my arms over my chest. He let out a chuckle, the muscles of his chest rippling under his white shirt._

_Jackson Meyer—known as Jax to me and the other cadets—had been one of my closest friends since our training days began, and he’d only worked up the courage to ask me to be his girlfriend when we were both fourteen. He had soft light brown hair and was always helping out the younger cadets. He was kind-hearted, with intentions of joining the Survey Corps, as well._

_When I learned of this, I felt a sense of hope surge in my chest. My own parents had been a Survey Corps couple, and they made it work—certainly it could work for me and Jax, as well._

_Hanji turned around, raising her eyebrow at Jax. “Ah, well…I guess I’ll leave you two alone, then.” Before either of us could object, he disappeared into the mess hall, already eager for an early dinner._

_Jax laughed at her awkwardness. “I don’t blame her. She doesn’t want to see me do this.” He leaned over and pressed his lips to mine, his hand cupping the side of my face. With a soft sigh, I smiled into the kiss and wrapped my arms around his neck._

_Leyna and Ben weren’t thrilled when they learned I had a boyfriend, and it was because of their reactions I decided to keep that information from my parents. They weren’t quiet about their disapproval, but my siblings put up with it. Leyna had objected to it the most, stating that I was just setting myself up for more pain, considering we both wanted to join the Scouts. She had no time for a boyfriend—she told me she wanted to wait until she enlisted in the Military Police. When I asked Ben the same question, he shrugged his shoulders and stated, “I’ll know it when I see her.”_

_I broke away from Jax’s lips and quickly looked around. We were alone—no other cadets were near us at the time. While I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble for “dating” Jax, I didn’t want the other cadets to judge us. Only my siblings and Hanji knew about us, and they had agreed to keep our relationship a secret._

_“Did you make the list?”_

_“Yeah.” I looked back, but my stomach fell when I couldn’t spot his name. “Oh…”_

_But he shrugged his shoulders, wrapping an arm around my waist. “That’s alright, I don’t care about that. We’ll still be in the Survey Corps together, right?”_

_“Yeah, that’s right.” I smiled as his lips dropped down to my forehead, kissing me gently._

|~|

As the nurse did her best to change the bandages around my torso, I found myself locked in a conversation with Hanji, who sat in a chair at the foot of my bed. She leaned back, crossing her arms over her chest. Her eyes were shut behind those glasses, and she shook her head disapprovingly.

“He wants _you_ to reach out to Shorty?”

I grimaced at the name. “Well, if you’re calling him that, no wonder he hates everyone around him. But yes, Squad Leader Erwin wants me to try to sympathize with Levi. I still can’t believe he’s decided to stay.”

“Me neither. But if it’s how you say it is, I don’t blame him for not wanting to go back to the Underground.”

I yelped as the nurse wrapped the bandage too tightly around my waist before tying it off. “Sorry, sweetie,” she whispered, running a hand along my face. I reached up to touch my left cheek—the slice Levi had given me back in the Underground well over a week ago had thinned into a white scar. It wasn’t as noticeable as some of the other Scouts’ scars, but it was still out in the open.

_Just another one to add to the collection._

“How has he been?”

Hanji’s eyes snapped open and met mine. “Levi? He’s…been weird. He’s not socializing with the other Scouts. He just keeps to himself and tends to wander around at night. Some of the other Scouts are still leery of him.”

_Of course they are. He tried to kill one of our Squad Leaders!_

I groaned, laying back down on the pillows. “How am I supposed to connect with him? I can’t talk to someone who hates my guts.”

“Yeah, especially since you’re not a social butterfly…”

“You’re not helping.”

Hanji let out a laugh, leaning forward in her seat. “Sorry, it’s a habit. I can help you out, if you want to. I’ll promise to behave.”

Oh dear… I loved Hanji with all my heart, but she was extremely outgoing. Too many times she had accidentally chased other cadets and soldiers away from us because of her larger-than-life personality and glinting glasses lens. She gave off the aura of an insane woman, as much as I hated to admit it. And if I had to reach out to Levi, there would be no way he would tolerate me if I dragged Hanji along with me.

“Uh… We’ll see about that, honey.”

|~|

_“Cadets, give your hearts!”_

_The graduation ceremony of the 90 th Training Corps was finally beginning. One hundred and sixty-seven cadets stood behind us in long rows, and the top ten stood up front near Instructor Duvalier. All of us stared ahead at him, our fists pressed against our hearts in the salute. _

_“Three years ago, you came to us as meek rats afraid of your own shadows. Now, you are all fully-fledged soldiers of the military. After you graduate tonight, you will choose the military branch for which you will bleed for. You have three options ahead of you: the Garrison, which reinforces the Walls and protects our cities; the Survey Corps, which risks life and limb to venture into Titan territory outside the Walls; and the Military Police, which serves under the king by policing the people and preserving order! Cadets, look ahead: these ten soldiers are the best of the best!”_

_Beside me, Ben and Hanji were practically bouncing with excitement. To be honest, I couldn’t blame them._

_“First, Leyna Wolf. Second, Benjamin Wolf. Third, Mia Wolf. Fourth, Hanji Zoë. Fifth, Sara Meyer. Sixth, Logan Weber. Seventh, Blaise Becker. Eighth, Isak Winters. Ninth, Gabriel Schreiber. Tenth, Charlotte Peters. You cadets are the top ten of your class, and the only ones eligible to join the Military Police.”_

_If I squinted hard enough, I could see the tiniest smile of pride on Duvalier’s face._

_“Congratulations. You are all soldiers!”_

|~|

_Later that night, the graduation celebration took place in the mess hall. Every cadet was cheering and clinking their mugs together; the air was full of spoken dreams of serving in either the Garrison or the Military Police; those who aimed for the Survey Corps kept quiet about it, but they still congratulated their fellow comrades._

_My siblings and I sat at our usual table, with Hanji, Blaise, and Leyna’s friend Sara next to us. Although she was a slight know-it-all, I didn’t have much of a problem with Sara. She was a good friend to Leyna, albeit a little too laid-back for my liking, and she always spoke up whenever Hanji and I were targeted by some of the narrow-minded cadets. Still, just like my sister, she wasn’t quiet with her opinions on the two of us joining the Survey Corps._

_Blaise gave me and my spectacled friend a sympathetic look. “Are you guys sure you don’t want to join the Military Police or Garrison? You’re a great pair, it would be a waste for you to die outside the Walls.”_

_Although Ben elbowed him harshly, I simply shrugged my shoulders. “Who says we’ll die? We have every intention of surviving, thank you very much.”_

_“Still, it’s unpredictable out there. Who knows what’ll happen?”_

_Leyna rolled her eyes, resting her chin on her elbow. “You won’t change their minds; they’re denser than bricks.”_

_I huffed, trying my best to suppress the urge to kick her underneath the table. “Sorry, but I’d rather join the Scouts and feel like I’m doing something instead of moving to the interior for a soft and cozy life.”_

_Her blue eyes flashed in anger. “That’s not what I want, and you know it. I want to serve our king—”_

_“We both know that’s not true! No one joins to protect him—they join for the safety of the interior!”_

_“Shut up!”_

_By this time, the two of us had shot up from our seats and were currently staring each other down. My fingers twitched in fury as I stared at her longer. The absolute gall she had really amazed me._

_Ben flinched, reaching up and brushing his hand against my arm. “Come on, not here!” he hissed, his eyes darting from us to our friends around us._

_But I swatted his hand away, making his face fall. “You’re no better! If you really cared about fighting the Titans, you’d become a Scout, too, just like Dad!”_

_“You’re being a child, Mia,” Leyna growled, slanting her eyes. “Stop it now.”_

_“No, **you** stop it!” _

_Three years—no, more like seven years—of frustration was spurting out of my mouth, and I couldn’t stop it. I knew I should shut up, but I didn’t. It felt so good to finally release all my anger out on my siblings._

_“Remember when we were growing up, and Dad told us what our family name meant? We were named after wolves, who used to roam the world before the Titans took over. They answered to no one and enjoyed their freedom. But you two,” I continued, my voice deteriorating into a snarl, “aren’t worthy to carry up the name. The wolf does not lie on its back and follow those who chain it. The wolf does not protect the cage built around it. The wolf runs free, with only itself as its master.”_

_Ben stared up at me open-mouthed, but Leyna never broke her glare away from me. But before she could respond, I turned away and stormed out of the mess hall._

|~|

It was nighttime. Hanji had left about an hour ago, leaving me staring out the window of the medical wing. The nurse had allowed me to finally move up and out of my bed to stretch my legs—she insisted she help me, though, and I couldn’t refuse her. Now, I was in the chair next to the window, my uniform resting at the foot of the bed.

I swallowed at the memory of graduation night. Of course, I had apologized to Leyna and Ben before the two of them left for their respective branches, but it was a little forced. Leyna begrudgingly accepted it before turning her back on me, wishing me luck in the Survey Corps. Ben had given me a bear hug, pressing a kiss to the top of my head before he left with the other Garrison soldiers.

_Graduation night._

I flinched at the memory. The ceremony and celebration weren’t the only things that had happened that night. After I had stormed back to the girls’ barracks, Jax had found me, and one thing lead to another.

|~|

_“You alright?” Jax locked the door behind him, giving us some much-needed privacy. I shrugged my shoulders, pulling my knees up to my chest. “You seemed upset. Is it your sister again?”_

_Once he sat down on the bed next to me, I leaned over and buried my face in his shoulder. His arms wrapped around my body, holding me close. “It’s nothing. She’s just being…Leyna again.”_

_“Still hung up on joining the Scouts, huh?” I nodded, closing my eyes against his sleeve. “It’s alright. I get it.”_

_He pulled away and held me across from him, staring into my eyes. Those dark blue orbs were wide and warm, and when he opened his mouth, I melted at his words:_

_“We’ll prove them wrong, won’t we? Soon they’ll regret not joining the Scouts with us. Isn’t that right?”_

_“Yeah…”_

_He leaned over and kissed me, enveloping my face in his hands. I moaned softly as his tongue trailed along my lips; I opened my mouth to comply, smiling as he tasted every inch of me. His hands wandered down to my waist, pulling me closer on the bed._

_Suddenly, he pushed himself against me, knocking me down on the covers of the bed. My eyes snapped open, meeting his flushed face. By the look in his eyes, I could infer what he wanted from me—and I wasn’t prepared to give it to him._

_“Uh, Jax… I don’t think this is the time.”_

_“Why not? It’s our last night as cadets.”_

_It wouldn’t be unusual for us to go all the way—plenty of other (older) cadets had already lost their virginity, in fear they would die too young in the field. But I was only fifteen, and so was Jax. I didn’t feel ready to give him (or anyone, for that matter) such an intensely personal part of myself. Hell, we’d only been dating for a year!_

_And then there was the concern of accidentally getting pregnant. I didn’t want to deal with that when I was so young. I wouldn’t be able to provide for a kid when I was in the Survey Corps. Maybe sometime in the future I would be able to, but not when I was fresh out of graduation._

_“I know, but… I’m just not ready.” His lips found my neck, sucking on my sweet spot. I squeezed my eyes shut; he knew all of my weaknesses already. Biting my lip, I forced out, “Come on, Jax…”_

_“It’s alright, baby,” he whispered against the shell of my ear. “It’s okay.”_

_“Jax, I said no. I don’t want to.”_

_I pushed up against him, but he refused to budge. He just kept kissing my neck, moaning and rolling his hips into mine. I jolted when I felt something hard push against my waist._

_“Come on, you know you want this.”_

_“No, I don’t! Cut it out!”_

_I wrenched my head away from him, trying to free myself, but his hands found my wrists and pinned them above my head. Terror exploded in my chest as he stared down at me, his blue eyes darker than I’d ever seen them._

_This wasn’t Jax. This was not the boy I fell in love with. He’d never been demanding or pushy when it came to me; he was always gentle and kind, giving me kisses on my cheek. This monster above me was not him._

_And yet, at the same time, it was. It **was** Jax, no question about it. _

_Before I could scream, he slapped a hand over my mouth, holding my wrists with his other hand. “Stop being a brat. I’ll make it quick.”_

**_No! I don’t want this!_ **

_I twisted my head from side to side, but his hand stayed above my lips. He leaned down, grinding his hips into mine. He grew harder with each thrust. Tears pricked my eyes. He wouldn’t be stopping anytime soon._

_With nothing else to do, I bit down hard on his hand. He winced, retreating it from my mouth, allowing me to scream out. “Help!”_

_My head suddenly jerked to the side, and my right cheek burned with pain. He…he had slapped me! I couldn’t believe it. Before I could recover, however, his hand flew to my shirt, groping my breast. I was still stunned by the slap he had given me._

**_No…_ ** _Tears streamed down my face. “Please, stop it…”_

_“Shut up. It’s one time, you can deal with it.”_

**_No! I don’t want it! Not now! I don’t want it!_ **

_The window across the room suddenly shattered, causing me to flinch. All of a sudden, Jax was wrenched off of me. When I opened my eyes, I saw Jax on the floor, clutching his left cheek. Hanji stood above him, shaking out her right hand._

_“Get out of here. Now!” Jax glared up at her; in response, Hanji raised her fist again. “Go, you bastard!”_

_With a final huff, Jax scrambled to his feet and headed out the door. He didn’t even look back at me on the way out. I didn’t think I could handle it anyway, if he did._

_Hanji was at my side immediately, pressing a hand to my face. “Are you okay? Did he hurt you?”_

_I opened my mouth, but a sob came out instead. I rubbed my wrists, still feeling his fingers against them. I still felt his weight crushing down on me, and his lips on my neck._

_Hanji crawled onto the bed next to me, wrapping her arms around me. “It’s alright, buddy. It’s okay, you’re safe now.”_

_I wanted to believe her, but the cold stab of betrayal was still fresh. I had loved him, and he had turned against me. So I simply sobbed into her outstretched arms, trying to find solace in her hand rubbing against my back._

|~|

It had been eight years since that incident, and ever since then, Hanji refused to leave my side, in fear something like that would happen again. Luckily, nothing had even come close to it, and I had slowly worked my way past it. I never saw Jax afterwards, not even at the Survey Corps initiation ceremony.

I never told Leyna and Ben, either. Hanji was the only soul who knew what went on that night. She had stayed with me for the rest of the night, even falling asleep with me with her arms tucked around me. When Leyna found us the next morning, I told her Hanji had a nightmare and needed comfort. She didn’t need to know _I_ was the one who had the nightmare.

I was incredibly thankful to have Hanji as a best friend. No matter how much I loved Leyna and Ben, despite our shortcomings and frequent disputes, there were certain things I couldn’t tell them. Our sibling love for each other often blinded us whenever we defended each other. I knew both my brother and sister would kill Jax, and they didn’t need to put their records at risk just for me.

The moon gazed back down at me from the starry sky. With a swallow, I wondered to myself why I never reported Jax for trying to rape me. If Hanji hadn’t intercepted, he definitely would have succeeded. But he was gone the next day, and I never saw him again. Still, to this day, I had never crossed paths with him again. He was out of my life and eventually faded away, like a bad dream.

 _Whatever. It’s behind me now._ Besides, I’d faced many different horrors since that night. After seeing countless soldiers slaughtered at the hands of the Titans, Jax was nothing to me anymore. He held no control over me anymore.

With a groan, I dragged myself back over to my bed. My chest was still tight, but it hurt a lot less than it did a few days ago. Once I was under the covers, I snuggled into the sheets, closing my eyes.

|~|

_Out of the entire 90 th Training Corps, only twenty or so joined the Survey Corps; Hanji and I were the only ones out of the top ten who signed up. When we reached their base within Wall Rose, we were given our new jackets and green cloaks, with the Wings of Freedom crest stitched on the back. _

_The memories of Jax immediately faded once the green cloak was in my hands. Finally, I had my own cloak, just like my father. As I threw it over my shoulders and latched it up in the front, a sense of pride washed over me._

_I finally felt like a real soldier. Three years of training was going to be put to good use, and with Hanji at my side, I would be one of the best Scouts the Survey Corps had ever seen. We would eradicate the Titans for as long as it took, carrying on my father’s work, and once we were done, our families would finally be able to live in peace beyond the walls._

**_I promise, Dad, I’ll finish what you started. I’ll make you proud._ **

|~|

My eyes opened the moment the sun peeked in through the window. I bit my lip, the image of my brand new cloak staining my memory. The promise I made to Dad repeated itself in my mind.

 _Have I made good on my promise so far?_ I swallowed hard. Rosalie, Emmett, and all the members of Flagon’s squad would object.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going by how furious Hanji was when she threatened Pastor Nick in the beginning of Season 2, I have no doubt that she would lose her temper and try to attack the person who tried to force himself on her friend. And no, this won't be a random flashback thrown in the story just for the hell of it. It will come up later on; even though it's been eight years since that incident, it still affects Mia in some ways. Hopefully I'll be able to handle it correctly - I know it's a touchy subject for a lot of people, myself included. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, as always! :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, we have the first real interaction between Mia and Levi. It was difficult for me to write, especially since I hadn't written for Levi's character before this. I apologize if he seems a little OOC (I'll explain more at the end). 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's read, commented, or given kudos to this story so far! You guys really mean a lot to me! :)

|VII|

Another week had passed, and the nurse finally allowed me to leave the medical wing. I still had to come in to change my bandages, and I was excused from training and other duties as long as I healed. My left arm felt fine, and the pain in my chest was lessening every day, but I knew how fast they could break again.

But I couldn’t let myself get out of shape. I would be useless on the next expedition if I couldn’t properly engage in ODM gear or take out Titans. I refused to drag them down.

The moment I stepped outside of the medical wing, Hanji was at my side. My protests fell on deaf ears as she led me around the base, leading me to the stables. When I saw my silver gelding poking his head out of his stall, I felt my throat close up. I had honestly thought I’d lost him in the Abnormal attack.

“He was lingering on the edge of the forest. We found him right after you passed out.” A smile broke out on my face at Hanji’s words, and I wrapped my arms around my horse’s neck. He snorted, bumping his head into my shoulder.

 _At least he made it out alive._ Apart from Hanji, Edel was my main source of comfort whenever I couldn’t deal with the stress of being a Scout. Seeing him in front of me, with only a couple of scratches on his flank, was a huge relief.

“Thanks for finding him and bringing him home.” As I rubbed his long gray snout, I turned to face my friend, who was currently leaning against the stall door. “Once I’m healed up, we’ll be all set for the next expedition.”

Hanji’s eyes nearly exploded behind her goggles, and she stared at me, with her jaw nearly brushing against the ground. “What? You just got out of the hospital! The next expedition should be the last thing on your mind!”

I appreciated her protective nature, but I wasn’t a child anymore. “It’s a part of life, Han. Just because I’ve had a few bad experiences doesn’t mean I can curl up and hide from them all my life. I have to get back out there eventually—and I’d rather do it sooner than later.”

“I understand, but that’s not something you should say when you have two cracked ribs,” she muttered, crossing her arms over her chest. “You have all this time to rest, so you should take advantage of it. I don’t want you to hurt yourself even worse.”

When I saw that disapproving glint in her eyes, I knew she didn’t mean physically. In the months after losing Rosalie and Emmett, she had kept a special watch over me, along with some of the other Scouts. I had stared into the distance for hours, replaying the memories over in my head. I never came close to hurting myself, much less actually taking my own life, but Hanji didn’t trust me. Even during our cadet days, I had a tendency to be unpredictable, and it was understandable she would fear I’d do something rash when I was suffering.

“I won’t.” Already, the pain of losing them was starting to fade away. I could now think of Daisy’s smile and Sairam’s voice without bursting into tears. I could remember Flagon’s eye roll with a smile. I could even remember Isabel and Furlan without crying. The crushing weight was still on my chest, but it was more bearable now than it had been. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I know. It’s just a habit at this point.”

The two of us shared a laugh, and before long, we headed out of the stable, leaving Edel to rest. On our way out, I caught sight of the small black mare in the stall closest to the door. It was Levi’s horse.

_Oh, that’s right…_

Hanji’s eyes met mine when she heard me groan. “What’s wrong?”

“I forgot, I have to try to reach out to _him_. Erwin said it’s for the best.”

She huffed before gently wrapping her arm around my shoulders. “Aw, it’s alright. You don’t have to do it right now, if you don’t want to. You can always do it later.”

But if he was really suffering, I couldn’t put it off much longer. Still, it was going to take a while to work up the courage to stare into those icy silvery eyes again.

|~|

Once Hanji and I had split up, I made my way to Commander Shadis’ office. No matter what my friend insisted, it was still my duty to participate in the expeditions. I didn’t join the Scouts just so I could duck out whenever I broke a few bones. I had seen older, better soldiers suffer worse; some had even fought Titans with busted ankles and wrists.

The walk down the empty halls was long. Most of the other Scouts were either training outside with their squads or in the mess hall for a light midday meal. Knowing Shadis, he was definitely in his office by now. He rarely showed his face to the Scouts anymore, except for announcements and expeditions. Still he was better than our previous Commander, Klaus Sieger, had ever been.

Once I reached the door, I knocked softly on the wood. Upon hearing the gruff “Enter,” I stepped inside. Commander Shadis was seated at his desk, with Squad Leader Erwin facing him. As I moved closer, Erwin gave me a small nod.

“Wolf, how are you feeling?”

I saluted, nearly cringing when I thumped my chest a little too hard. “Much better, sir. The nurse told me I should be fine in a few weeks.”

Well, not exactly, but she didn’t really give me a specific timeframe. But it usually took Scouts about a month or so to recover from broken ribs, so I would be fit enough by the time we set out on our next expedition.

“That’s good to hear.” Shadis’ eyes suddenly softened, a rare sight these days. “I’m sorry about your squad.”

I bit my lip. “Thank you, Commander. I intend to make sure they did not die in vain. In fact, I was hoping you would approve of me joining next month’s expedition.”

Shadis didn’t look surprised in the slightest. However, he shook his head. “You were just released from the hospital today. I refuse to put you in danger when you’re still vulnerable. I won’t allow it.”

I opened my mouth, but before I could object, he held up a hand. I snapped my lips shut at once.

“I understand you feel the need to avenge your comrades, and it’s admirable in its own right. However, I cannot allow you to put our fellow Scouts at risk. If I agree to let you to join us while you’re still recuperating, you could worsen your injuries—or inflict them on our soldiers. I’m sorry, Wolf, but you need to rest.”

Anger bubbled up in my stomach. I guaranteed I would be healed by the time the Scouts headed outside beyond the Wall, but Shadis wasn’t interested in hearing it. I _had_ to ensure the lives of Flagon’s squad—as well as Isabel and Furlan—meant something. I had to make sure they didn’t perish in vain.

“Commander—”

“Wolf, that’s an order.” Shadis’ eyes were as sharp as flint again. “Do not ask me again.”

There was no point in arguing with him, and the last thing I wanted was to cause a scene in front of Erwin. So instead, I saluted again before slinking out of the room, my tail between my legs.

Once the door was shut tightly behind me, I let out a sigh, wincing at the pain that shot up my chest. All I could think of was the day I joined Flagon’s squad officially. While my new Squad Leader had been wary, given my history as a Squad Leader myself, Sairam and Daisy had accepted me with open arms and sweet smiles. Later that night, they had sat with me in the mess hall as we ate our dinner. They tried to lessen the pain I still felt over losing my own squad, and they were patient with me whenever I didn’t have the energy to talk to them. I remembered how Sairam had offered to train with me in the forest the next day, and the flighty, hopeful feeling I felt in my chest as the two of us soared through the trees, slicing the necks of Titan dummies. I remembered Daisy’s soft voice and her laugh when I accidentally tripped over Edel’s saddle after leaving it on the floor. Even Edel himself found the situation funny—he threw his head back and let out a neigh that sounded like a chuckle.

Although Flagon never really accepted me, he was still a good leader in his own right. He obviously cared about Sairam and Daisy, and he truly believed in the Scouts’ goal of eradicating the Titans from this world. My stomach churned as the image of his bloody remains splattered on the soggy ground flashed behind my eyelids.

I missed them.

And then there were the newest members, Furlan and Isabel. I had known them for only a week, and yet, they held a special piece of my heart. The memory of watching them get torn to shreds was still enough to make me nearly vomit. Even now, I pressed a hand against my mouth, squeezing my eyes shut. As I leaned over, my chest screamed in pain.

I looked so pathetic. Shadis was right: I was in no shape for the next expedition.

The sound of footsteps echoed down the hall. As they grew louder, I forced myself to straighten up and glance toward the source. My stomach dropped to my shoes as I watched Levi walk down the hall, nearing me with every passing second.

_Oh God, what do I say to him?_

I stared at the floor, my cheeks burning as he grew closer to me. My voice was caught in my throat like a piece of bread I couldn’t manage to swallow. I knew I had to say something, but judging by the cold, stoic look on his face, he didn’t want to hear it.

Still, Erwin’s voice rang in my ears: _“You’re not the only one suffering. Levi is also going through a hard time.”_ I couldn’t let him go without saying anything to him.

“Uh…” I wished Leyna was here. She was the best at starting conversations with random strangers. But the words couldn’t come. “I…”

Not surprisingly, he ignored me and brushed past me, his shoulder barely grazing against my own. I swallowed, squeezing my eyes shut.

“…I’m sorry.”

The harsh clip of his boots suddenly stopped. I flinched, half expecting him to reel around and attack me. With a face like that, he looked dangerously unpredictable. I still hadn’t forgotten how he’d lunged for Erwin, and the murderous look in his eye as he attempted to slit the Squad Leader’s throat.

“I know those two were your friends,” I began, my back still facing him. “They were a good pair—they were sweet and really—”

“Shut up.” His voice was harsh and blunt, but I refused to wince. I couldn’t show any weakness to him, especially if he decided to turn around and actually look at me. “You didn’t know them. Stop acting as if you did.”

My chest hurt again, but not because of my broken ribs. Fury flooded through my veins, and I clenched my hands into tight fists. I may not have known Isabel and Furlan as well as he did, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t allowed to grieve for them and remember them fondly. He had no right to judge how much I was able to miss them or grieve for them.

“I don’t care. I still miss them.”

An uncomfortable silence settled over the two of us. For a moment, I thought he’d left, but a quick glance over my shoulder proved me wrong. He still stood behind me, his back turned to me and his fists clenched at his sides. I had to be careful—I didn’t want to push him any more than I had to.

“Look, I’m sorry if I upset you. But you’re not the only one who lost people. That was my squad—my _entire_ squad.” No need to bring up my first squad; I was already upset enough as it was. “I know how it feels.”

He stayed quiet, his back still facing me. With a sigh, I reached into my jacket pocket and fished out Isabel’s small golden necklace. It hurt to part with the only piece of her left, but it wasn’t mine. It belonged to the man behind me.

I turned my body around fully and stepped forward. At the sound of my boots hitting the ground, Levi spun around, his gray eyes flashing. With a swallow, I held out the necklace. At the sight of it, the muscles in his face relaxed.

“I found it outside in the rain after…” I cleared my throat. “Take it. It belongs to you.”

Avoiding his eyes, I took his hand gently and laid the necklace against his palm. With another swallow, I closed his fingers over it and turned away. I walked toward the exit in silence, leaving our newest Scout alone in the empty hall.

|~|

My “encounter” with Levi was still on my mind hours later, even when I rested on my bottom bed of the bunk Hanji and I shared in the girls’ barracks. I laid my head against the pillow, my fingers sinking into the covers below.

_I can’t believe I acted like that. I was so awkward! He won’t want to talk to me after that little stunt. I don’t think I’ll be able to connect with him anymore now…_

What was Erwin even thinking, giving me this task? What did he think it would accomplish? Levi obviously wanted to be left alone, and by giving him Isabel’s old necklace, I’d probably just made him feel worse. I couldn’t exactly read him, like I could with Ben or Hanji, or maybe even Leyna, to an extent. He was an enigma, and it infuriated me to no end.

How did Furlan and Isabel put up with him for so many years?

The door of the barracks flew open, and the other girls inside with me jolted. But once we saw it was just Hanji, we all relaxed and carried on with our business.

“Come on, Mia! It’s dinner time!”

I swear, Hanji’s stomach could be such a bottomless pit sometimes. I blushed as the girls on the top bunks began giggling behind their hands at my extrovert of a friend. “Hanji, you had lunch not too long ago—how are you still hungry?” With the memories of the last expedition, combined with the constant pain in my chest, I didn’t have much of an appetite lately.

“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud. You haven’t been to the mess hall in days—everyone wants to see how you’ve been. Now come on!”

Her fingers curled around my wrist, and I had no choice but to follow her out of the barracks. With a huge smile on her face, she led me into the main castle and down the hall, toward the cafeteria. She kept looking back at me, the lens of her glasses glinting mischievously.

Uh-oh. That wasn’t a good sign. What was she planning?

The moment we reached the mess hall, Hanji shoved me inside (as gently as she could, which wasn’t saying much; she tended to get careless whenever she was worked up about something). As I scanned the tables spread out along the room, I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. A few Scouts caught my eye and waved at me, to which I waved back. But other than that, everything seemed rather normal.

Then why was Hanji practically leaping up and down in excitement?

The two of us retrieved our dinner trays—bowls of bean soup, a potato, a roll of bread, and a tiny slab of bacon on each—and began scouring the room for a seat. However, before I could go over to our usual table closest to the door, Hanji tugged on my arm and began pulling me away. When I saw where she was headed, I felt my knees begin to wobble.

_Oh no… Not him!_

Indeed, the gray-eyed Scout was sitting by his lonesome at the table next to the huge window, which offered a gorgeous view of the wilderness around us (if you looked closely, you could even see the edges of Wall Rose in the distance). With a heavy heart, I remembered seeing Isabel and Furlan sitting at this table with Levi only a week earlier.

My spectacled friend ignored my silent warning and continued to walk right toward him. It was just like our cadet days, where Hanji would drag me over to random tables in an attempt to meet strangers and make some new friends. However, I had to give her credit: no one in the entire 90th Training Corps looked as lethal as Levi did.

But that didn’t stop her. With a huge smile on her face, she bounded right over to him, dragging me along with her by the elbow. The minute we reached him, he stared up at us with those icy eyes, his eyebrows creased into a glare.

“Sorry, we just couldn’t help but notice you sitting here alone.” _Hanji, shut the hell up!_ “Mind if we join you?”

She didn’t even give him a chance to answer; immediately, she plopped herself down on the bench across from him, pulling me down with her. I shot her a glare as I settled myself down next to her, but she didn’t take any notice.

Hanji leaned over the table, beaming at Levi. “I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to you, but I just wanted to let you know my friend and I think you’re amazing! I mean, I was watching you train the other day, and I’ve never seen anyone hold the blades the way you do! Where did you learn to do that? Did anyone teach you? Or did you teach yourself?”

She winced as my elbow jabbed her in the ribs sharply. “Stop it!” I hissed at her. The last thing I wanted was to get on his bad side. And by the way his eyes were slanted at us, that wasn’t too far off. “I’m sorry about her… She’s just a little excited.”

He simply stared at me, keeping his mouth shut. Slowly, he raised his cup to his lips, holding it by the top instead of the handle at the side. _Huh, that’s weird._

Nervously, I began to dig into my food, and so did Hanji. So far, he seemed okay with us sitting down with him; if he had a problem with it, I’m sure he would have said something by now. Slowly, the muscles in my shoulders began to relax, and I ended up losing myself in my dinner. My stomach was growling something fierce; I hadn’t really eaten in days, thanks to my injuries.

All the while, the black-haired man kept his eyes diverted from mine. To be honest, I was okay with it. Honestly, he scared me! Just the way his eyes melted into my form unnerved me, like he was peering right through me. I _hated_ that feeling—it made me feel helpless and meek, almost like I had something to hide.

Suddenly, just as I bit into the roll of bread on my tray, those gray eyes met mine. I swallowed hard, nearly choking on my bread. “Would you mind telling your friend to back off? She’s staring at me through those shitty glasses.”

I stared at him, my mouth unattractively open and showing the chewed bread pieces inside. I didn’t know which irked me more: his blatant vulgar language, or the fact he had just insulted my best friend. As it slowly sank in, I decided the latter was more infuriating.

But Hanji only laughed, adjusting the glasses on her face. “Aw, that’s adorable! Don’t worry, I won’t bother you if you don’t want me to.” She peered over at me as I struggled to continue chewing on the bread in my mouth. “Hey…now that I think about it, I bet you’re the same height as Mia.”

I nearly spit out my food. “Hanji, quit it!” _I swear, she doesn’t have a filter on that mouth! She never knows when to shut up!_

But Levi merely rolled his eyes, taking another sip from his cup. “I could still kick your ass.”

I didn’t know who I was angrier at, Hanji or Levi. I fought the urge to groan and bury my head in my hands. _Why did Erwin think this was a good idea?!_

Hanji just laughed again. “Ooh, such a _short_ temper.” She suddenly winced as my boot crashed into her knee underneath the table. She glared at me, leaning down and grasping at her injured knee. “What was that for?!”

“You know _exactly_ what that was for!” I bit my lip before turning back to the man across from us. “I’m sorry, she’s just being…” I couldn’t even think of a good excuse for her behavior. _Damn it, Hanji._

He simply made a _tch_ sound with his lips. “You’re _both_ annoying.”

My face flushed. “Yeah, sorry…” This could _not_ get any worse.

At my words, he raised his eyebrow at me, and I suddenly found it difficult to look away from those gray hues. In a certain light, they looked like they could pass off as a silver shade. I had never seen eyes like them before—Hanji had brown eyes, Leyna had blue ones, and Ben and I had amber ones. Never before had I seen gray eyes. No matter how hard I looked, though, I couldn’t spot any flecks of color in them.

I cleared my throat before turning back to my friend, who was still clutching her knee. “Hanji, can you please just behave? _Please?_ ”

She rolled her eyes but kept her lips sealed. I sighed in relief at this. I loved her, but sometimes she was just too much to handle.

With a burst of courage, I turned back to Levi, who was still gazing at me. I cleared my throat and prepared to speak. I didn’t want to accidentally say something that would chase him off. “So, I haven’t seen you during training yet. I’m sure that’ll change though, once my ribs heal up.”

There was a spark in his eyes at the information. “They’re broken?”

“Yeah, only two of them, though. But it’s alright, I’ll heal up in no time.”

To be honest, I was surprised he was even concerned about me in that way. He barely knew me, and yet he sounded almost worried when I mentioned my injury. But I couldn’t dwell on it for long; he was probably concerned with how useful I was to the Scouts, and whether or not I could still help out in the future. Still, it was a little comforting.

“Anyway,” I continued, dragging my spoon along the bowl of stew in front of me, “Shadis already told me I won’t be going on the next expedition. He practically _ordered_ me to stay behind and take it easy until my ribs heal up.” I couldn’t keep the annoyed sigh out of my voice.

Levi shrugged and gave a soft grunt of agreement. “Makes sense. It wouldn’t be worth it for you to pass out the second you step outside the Walls.”

I suppressed a glare and kept my eyes glued to the food in front of me. Why did everyone around me think I was fragile? Why did they think I would break the moment I left the Walls? I broke two ribs, big deal—Scouts before my time had broken at least four, and they all managed to recover and return to the field in record time. It was my first major injury, sure, but it was bound to happen. Besides, I was still young; I would heal up quicker than someone twice my age would.

“Whatever.” _Not the first time I’ve hurt myself._ A breathless laugh escaped my lips as the memory of myself tripping over Edel’s saddle placed idiotically on the ground, and of Daisy laughing hysterically at me. “One time I managed to trip over my own horse’s saddle. Isabel would’ve loved that—”

I suddenly froze in my seat. _Oh, shit._

Before I could say anything, though, Levi was already out of his seat. I opened my mouth to apologize, but he was already walking away. I couldn’t see his face; he turned away from me as quickly as he could. I simply stared at the vacant bench across from me, his half-eaten dinner still on the table.

That familiar crushing weight returned to my chest. _Damn, I really messed up_.

Hanji’s eyes flickered back to me, her mouth in a little “o” shape. “Ah, Mia…”

“I know.” _I screwed up really bad._

My bottom lip started to shake; I had to lock it between my teeth to hold the tears back. Damn it, why did I bring Isabel up? I didn’t even think of how he would’ve reacted when I mentioned her. I mean, he knew her differently than I did—of course he was going to have a different reaction. Of course he was going to hurt more than I did when Isabel was brought up. She was just a friend for me, but for him, she was like a little sister.

And I had carelessly thrown her name around, just a week after he’d knelt down to her severed head to close her eyes.

You know, for all the complaining I did about Hanji not having a filter, it appeared I was no better than her.

Just as Hanji reached out, I stood up from my own seat. “I’m turning in early, Han. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Before she could object, I walked toward the door, dropping my tray off in the kitchen on the way.

The moment I stepped out into the hallway, I looked around for the black-haired Scout with the mysterious gray eyes. But he was nowhere to be found—unsurprisingly. I had done the one thing I’d promised myself I wouldn’t do: I had chased him off.

Frustrated tears began dripping down my face as I started my walk to the girls’ barracks. Why did I have to be such an idiot sometimes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Especially in the beginning of his time in the Survey Corps, I don't think Levi would be the most talkative. After losing Isabel and Furlan, his only friends in the entire world, he would become much more reserved. It would take time for him to grow comfortable with the other Scouts, and going by Hanji's outgoing personality, she would waste no time in trying to become friends with him. Here, she drags Mia along with her, who is so incredibly awkward and incapable of making friends on her own. 
> 
> At least, that's what I think. :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm back with another chapter! To hit the word limit I've set for each chapter, I included another flashback of Mia's childhood...and went a little overboard with it. I honestly didn't plan for this chapter to take the route it did, but one thing led to another. In the end, I'm happy with how it turned out.

|VIII|

Days passed, and I tended to keep to myself. The only people I really spoke to were Hanji and the nurse, who insisted I stop by the medical wing for her to change my bandages.

I hadn’t seen Levi since I accidentally mentioned Isabel; to be honest, I was thankful for that. I didn’t know what I would say to him if I did. I no longer ate in the mess hall, in fear of running into him again. Apparently, Hanji kept sitting with him during meals, trying to get him to open up. I cringed at the thought of her bothering him with her constant short jokes.

But as time went on, I grew agitated. The lack of training was making me a little crazy, and I quickly grew bored with wandering aimlessly around the base. I needed something to keep me busy, other than taking care of Edel in my spare time.

As I confessed this to Hanji, she suggested, “Why not ask Commander Shadis if he’ll let you register as a medic in training?”

A sense of hopefulness rose within me. That was actually a good idea. A year after I joined the Scouts, I had offered to become a medic student for three years. Until I turned nineteen, whenever I wasn’t training with my squad, I worked with the medics at the base, learning how to stitch up wounds and take care of sick patients. Then, from 840 to 842, I continued my training as an advanced student. I had received my certification when I turned twenty-one, but there were still further levels I wasn’t trained in.

Training as a medic for the military didn’t eat up as much time as it did when you were training to become a doctor within the districts of the Walls. Medics for the Scouts specialized in Titan-related wounds and broken bones. Currently, we had four medics on base, as well as two nurses working in the medical wing.

“Hanji, you and your ideas amaze me.”

“I know.”

|~|

Later that morning, before I headed out to Edel’s stall, I paid Commander Shadis a visit in his office. He was alone this time, filling out some paperwork at his desk. The moment he saw me, though, his mouth lowered into a frown.

“Wolf, if you’re here to ask me about the expedition—”

“I’m not,” I replied meekly. My chest continued to feel better, and I was sure I’d heal before the expedition, but I knew there was no point in bringing the topic up again. “Actually, I was wondering if you’d approve me as a medic apprentice. While I heal up, I’d like to return to my training.”

His eyes flickered at my request, and the tiniest of smiles revealed itself on his face. “I see. I’ll allow it.”

“Thank you, sir.” I saluted to him before making my way toward the door.

“Oh, Wolf, one more thing.” I turned around to face him, my hand curled around the doorknob. “Have you seen the newest Scout lately? The one from your squad?”

 _He means Levi_ , I realized with a jolt. “Um, not recently, sir. He…doesn’t seem to want to talk to me.”

Honestly, I didn’t blame him. He probably resented me for being the only other survivor of the bloodbath a few weeks ago. If he had the chance, I guaranteed he would trade my life if it meant bringing either Isabel or Furlan back from the dead.

“I understand. I was just wondering. You’re excused.” With that, he turned back to his paperwork, as if nothing had happened.

I swallowed the lump in my throat before exiting the office, closing the door behind me. Why did he want to know about Levi? Had something happened to him? Had he suddenly left the Scouts? I wouldn’t be surprised—that way, he wouldn’t have to deal with me, Hanji, and Erwin again.

With every turn I made as I roamed around the base, I kept my eyes peeled for the black-haired Scout. Luckily, I was the only one walking around at this time—the other soldiers were busy training with their squads.

The thought of the other squads made my throat close up. Was I going to be assigned to a new squad? Was Levi? Or was I going to be cast aside? I had seen soldiers who were too weak or too sick to continue fighting leave the Scouts shamefully. While our Commander didn’t endorse this kind of behavior, they felt as though they could no longer serve the Scouts for the good of humanity.

Was I now seen as a curse? Two squads of mine had been wiped out. Were the other Scouts starting to see me as a stroke of bad luck?

 _Stop it_ , I scolded myself. None of the Scouts really believed in that kind of stuff. If worse came to worst, depending on whether or not Shadis approved my request, I would just be part of the medic squad. I would still be a Scout then, but I wouldn’t be out on expeditions anymore. The medic squad simply stayed at our base—they rarely set foot beyond the Walls with the rest of our soldiers.

That wasn’t what I wanted, but if that’s what Shadis decided, I would have to deal with it.

The sun was beating down harshly when I stepped out of the castle. We were in the end of summer now, and I was ready for autumn. Personally, I preferred autumn over the other seasons—summer was too hot, spring was too stuffy, and winter was too cold. Autumn was a nice balance between them, with its crisp air and lovely falling leaves. Even when we were kids, Leyna, Ben and I chased each other around outside our home in Shiganshina, trying to catch the leaves as they fell from the trees in front of our house. Leyna preferred the red leaves, Ben loved the crunchy brown ones, and I loved the yellow ones with spots on them.

In a few minutes, I found myself outside the stables. Here at our base, we had ten stables to house our six hundred horses. Sixty horses could fit into each stable, and they were organized by squad number. Both mine and Hanji’s horses were in the first stable, closest to the castle.

When I reached Edel’s stall, I rubbed his nose and whispered sweet nothings against his face. He snorted quietly, bumping his gray snout against my chin. He was always trying to make me feel better—I honestly thought that he understood humans sometimes.

I felt my chest tighten. Isabel had said she could understand him, too.

I sniffled at the memory of her sweet, innocent face. A small part of me started to regret surrendering her necklace to Levi.

You know, for all the stuff Dad told me about the Scouts, he never told me about the constant pain and guilt I’d have to feel whenever my fellow soldiers died. Especially when they were my responsibility in the first place.

|~|

_“And then, he jumped off the horse and used his ODM gear to soar high above the trees. He bared his blades and gave a warrior’s cry. Then, he neared the Titan’s nape and sliced it off! The monster came crashing down, its face plummeting into the dirt below.”_

_“Wow…”_

_Ma sent him a disapproving look from her place at the table, over the top of the book she was currently invested in. “Alexander, stop it. She doesn’t need to hear that right before bed.”_

_Dad rolled his eyes. “It’s alright, Annika. She’s a strong little girl, right, Mimi?” He swooped me up in his arms, and I giggled as he held me high above his head. Someday, I was going to soar above the clouds like he did._

_At five years old, I was addicted to the stories my father told me of his time among the Scouts. As far as I was concerned, they were the bravest people in the world. They went out beyond the outer Walls and fought the Titans that roamed about. I had never seen one before, but the way Dad described them, they were just huge dummies. Although they tried to grab the Scouts, they were always fast enough to dodge them and kill them._

_We had learned in school that the Titans had suddenly appeared over a hundred years ago, and they started to eat some of the humans they came across. The humans then found the three Walls and hid behind them, since they could keep the Titans out. In honor of the Walls, they named them after three goddesses: Wall Maria, Wall Rose, and Wall Sina. In fact, Ma and Dad had actually named me and my sister after the Walls: we were Mia Rose Wolf and Leyna Maria Wolf. (Ben’s full name was Benjamin Markus Wolf, and he was named after Ma’s older brother who had passed away before we were born._

_“Alright, honey, it’s time for bed.”_

_I couldn’t help but groan at his words. “Aw, Dad, can’t I stay up a little longer? I wanna hear another story!”_

_“Absolutely not,” Ma argued, her eyes glinting up at me. “You and your siblings have school tomorrow. You can’t stay up too late, or you won’t want to go tomorrow.”_

_I didn’t want to go either way, but it would be pointless to argue with my mother. She won all the arguments in our home—even against Dad._

_“You heard your mother,” Dad said, placing me back down on the floor. “I’ll go get Ben and Leyna. I’ll be right in to tuck you all in.”_

_I nodded reluctantly before kissing my mother goodnight. She smiled at me and ruffled my hair before turning back to her book. She was always reading, either to herself or to me and my siblings. She insisted that reading helped your brain grow stronger—according to her, it was the most important muscle in your body._

_I ran to the room I shared with Ben and Leyna and crawled into bed. Because of our tiny house, even though it was located in one of the richer districts, we couldn’t afford to put in two extra beds for Leyna and Ben. But we didn’t complain. The bed was big enough, and we enjoyed the extra warmth when winter rolled around._

_Soon enough, Leyna walked in, her hair tied up in twin braids. Like Ma, she preferred to sleep with her hair in braids, so it would be wavy the next day. I tried doing it once, but I couldn’t fall asleep. All I kept feeling was the bumpy braid nudging the back of my head._

_As she climbed into bed, settling herself on my left side, Ben walked in with Dad. With his help, he was placed on my right side, and Dad tucked us all in. With a soft smile, he sat at the foot of our bed, petting our heads one at a time._

_“Dad, can you please tell us another story?” Sometimes we were lucky, and he told us a bedtime story before we fell asleep. However, I wasn’t interested in that tonight. “What about when you first joined the military? Did you make any friends when you were training?”_

_He was silent for a moment…and then, he sighed in defeat. “Alright, I’ll tell you. Just don’t tell your mother,” he added with a wink._

_At this, all three of us sat up and stared at him intently. Dad was the best storyteller we knew. Every time he prepared to talk about his past, he had everyone’s attention. Even Ma sometimes stopped what she was doing and listened to his stories, even though she had already heard them all._

_“I was twelve when I joined the military, and I trained for three years. When I joined the Scouts, I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to get out there and start destroying the Titans. I wanted only one thing out of life: to get rid of all the Titans in the world. I wanted to make the areas outside the Walls safer for everyone…including you three, when you were born.”_

_I couldn’t hide the smile on my face. We were part of his reason for joining the Scouts, even though he didn’t know us then? Maybe he thought of us like Ma used to—even before she met Dad, we were all in the back of her mind. She always imagined having kids one day; did Dad imagine the same, as well?_

_“I met my best friend, Benjamin—you see, you’re named after him, Ben.” He reached over and rubbed my blushing brother’s brown hair. “We were in the same squad, and later on, we were in charge of our own squads. But before that…we had our first expedition beyond the Walls.”_

_This was getting good._

_“The first time I saw a Titan, I almost peed myself.” Leyna, Ben and I burst into laughter, and Dad scratched the back of his head. “Hey, cut it out! It was scary at the time!”_

_Ma’s voice was suddenly heard from the next room: “What’s going on in there?”_

_“Nothing, sweetheart,” Dad called back to her. “Just saying goodnight to the kids.”_

_She made a noise that sounded like she didn’t believe him, but she didn’t come in here and chase him out. With a smile, he turned back to us and continued the story._

_“I was so scared I nearly fell off my horse. All I could see were the teeth in its mouth, and those huge black eyes. It looked like a giant human, but it was far more dangerous. I wanted to run back into the Walls and never come out again. But then,” he sighed, his eyes getting that glazed look again, “my Squad Leader yelled at us to stay put and continue running. Up ahead, I saw our Commander leap on the back of his horse and crouch down. His swords were out of the holsters on his waist, ready in his hands. Suddenly, he jumped off the horse’s back and into the air. The wires from his ODM gear shot out and connected to the Titan ahead. He suddenly flew toward the Titan, swinging himself around its neck. A second later, he cut the Titan’s nape out, and it fell to the ground.”_

_He paused, smiling at the three of us. I stole a glance at my siblings: Leyna was staring at him with her mouth open, and Ben’s eyes were as wide as saucers. And me? I was shaking with excitement. I absolutely loved the stories Dad told us._

_“That’s when I realized I didn’t have to be afraid of them. It wasn’t just me out there beyond the Walls, facing the Titans. I wasn’t alone—I had Benjamin with me. I had my squad with me. I had the Commander with me. We were all there to help each other fight the Titans; we wouldn’t leave each other out there to face them by ourselves. Both inside and outside the Walls, we were a family.”_

_“Wow!” Leyna’s mouth was still open. “And when did you meet Ma? Did you know her before you joined the military, or did you meet her afterward?”_

_“Well, we met when the Survey Corps had to visit the capital in Wall Sina. She was visiting Mitras from her home in Ehrmich District. But that’s a story for another night.”_

_“Aw, come on, Dad!” I whined, clasping my hands together. “Can’t you tell us?”_

_“No, you three need to go to sleep! I’ve already kept you awake for too long. You don’t want Ma angry at us, do you?” No, I didn’t—and neither did Leyna nor Ben._

_The three of us curled back under the covers and let him bring them up to our necks. He reached over and kissed Leyna on the forehead, and then Ben, and then me. Before he stood back up, though, I gave him a kiss on his cheek. It was a habit at this point._

_“Thanks for telling us the story, Dad.”_

_“You’re welcome, Mia. Goodnight, you three. I love you.”_

_“Love you, too,” we said in unison._

_With a soft smile on his face, he walked out of the room, closing the door halfway. As soon as he left the room, I turned on my side, facing Leyna’s back, and closed my eyes. Dad’s words bounced around in my head, and I smiled as I imagined myself in the Commander’s position. I wanted to fight the Titans, just like Dad. He was regarded as a hero by many in our city, but he didn’t use that to his advantage. He simply wanted to give humanity a better chance at life._

_Someday, I would become a Scout, just like my father. And hopefully, Ben and Leyna would join me._

|~|

“Hey, brat.”

I groaned, rubbing my hand against my eyes. As I gazed around with blurry eyes, I saw the inside of Edel’s stall, with my horse right across from me. I must have fallen asleep in his stall again.

“Why would you sleep in there? It’s disgusting…”

 _Who’s talking to me?_ I yawned before looking around—and nearly screamed when I saw Levi standing outside the stall door.

“Ah! Uh, I…” I swallowed hard, avoiding his eyes. “I fell asleep…”

He scoffed, leaning against the door. “No shit, you little brat. Get out of there—do you want to get sick?”

“No…” My face burned as I scrambled to my feet, wincing as my chest stung with pain. My ribs weren’t still fully healed. “Why do you care?”

He didn’t answer me, even when I stepped out of the stall and closer to him. With a final scratch against Edel’s neck, I shut the door behind me. Levi still didn’t move away, not even when I latched up the stall door.

“It’s a pigsty in here. Don’t you ever clean up after yourself?”

My face was now red with anger. “Excuse me, but horses are naturally dirty. It’s kind of hard to keep their stalls clean.” What did he know about taking care of a horse and cleaning its stall? I had been doing this much longer than he had.

But he only rolled his eyes and motioned with his head to follow him. I stayed glued to the stable floor, watching him go. I only scampered off after him when he shot me a glare from over his shoulder.

He stopped at the stall at the edge of the stable, where his black mare was kept. With a twitch of his head, he motioned for me to look inside. When I did, my mouth visibly dropped.

Not a single piece of hay was left on the floor; there were no stray drops of water on the ground or walls of the stall. His mare’s coat was shiny and gorgeous, just like the night sky, and both her mane and tail were free of snarls. The brushes and towels were neatly lined up on the shelf above her in the stall. All in all, it was absolutely spotless, from top to bottom.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Sheesh, he really _was_ a clean freak.

“It’s not that hard, when you actually do what you’re supposed to do.”

That spark of fury returned in my chest, and I whipped around to glare at him. His expression never changed from that stoic, uninterested look. “Fine then—next time, _you_ show me the correct way to clean my own horse’s stall!”

“I’d love to.”

_By the Walls, he’s so smug, I could just—_

“How’s your chest?” I stared at him, slack-jawed. Did he mean…? “Your ribs, dumbass. How are they?”

“Oh. They’re…they’re fine.” I was still angry at his language, referring to be as a brat and a dumbass, but I appreciated the fact he was concerned about me. But why? Didn’t he hate my guts? “Still broken, but they’re better than they were.”

He grunted, turning away from me. “It hurts like a bitch, I know.” He opened the stall and stepped inside. At the sound of his boots against the floor, the black mare lifted her head and whinnied softly. She cooed as he ran his hands up her neck before returning to grazing on the bale of hay in front of her.

I didn’t know this horse personally, but from what I could tell so far, she was a docile being. Like Edel, she didn’t appear to have a problem with people—well, none of our horses really did, but there were always the odd ones out. My lips pulled up into a smile as I watched Levi pet the mare, who seemed to be loving the attention. Briefly, I wondered if he was like Isabel: better with animals rather than people.

“She’s a sweetheart,” I found myself saying out loud. “Have you given her a name yet?”

He shot me a skeptical glance from over his shoulder. “A what?”

“A name. I mean, I named my horse. I call him Edel.”

It wasn’t required for Scouts to name their assigned horses, but some often did. Personally, I loved animals, and growing up I had always wanted a dog. When I was assigned a two-year-old Edel when I was fifteen, I was immediately taken with him, and he became one of my best buddies. Some Scouts didn’t want to grow too attached to their horses, in case they happened to die on expeditions. I could understand that, but I couldn’t help myself. I saw Edel as part of my family at this point.

“No. What’s the point?”

“Well, I mean—”

A squeal suddenly ripped through the air, and the two of us turned toward the opening of the stable. Hanji was staring at us, her eyes wide and bright behind her goggles, and a huge smile on her face.

“You guys are finally bonding!”

 _I wouldn’t exactly call it bonding…_ It was more like passing insults back and forth (well, it was really one-sided, but still).

Levi rolled his eyes as he latched up the black mare’s stall. “No, we’re not,” he replied coldly. “Beat it, shitty glasses.”

Hanji didn’t seem affected by the offensive nickname. “Oh, stop it. I’m happy to see you guys finally spending some quality time together.”

“Han, we’re not—”

“Oh, Mia, that reminds me!” I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “Commander Shadis wants to see you. Apparently the medical squad has agreed to train you.”

 _Really?_ A smile broke out on my face. “Oh, that’s good to hear!” No longer would I have to wander around the base aimlessly, looking for things to do to pass the time. Finally, I would be put to good use again.

Levi suddenly walked past me, his arm brushing against my own. As I watched him leave, I bit my lip. Did I say something wrong? If I did, what was it? Was it my excitement about training to be a medic? If so, why would he care? Or was it Hanji’s assumption that we were intentionally spending time with each other? Did he not want to be associated with me?

Ugh, he was so confusing.

“Ah, don’t worry about him, Mia,” Hanji said with a reassuring smile. “He’s a weird one.” _Sheesh, you’re one to talk, Hanji._ “By the way, where have you been? I’ve been looking for you since noon.”

A quick glance up at the sun’s position at the sky told me it was already late in the afternoon. How long had I been asleep? And how long had Levi been watching me?

“I ended up falling asleep in Edel’s stall. And…uh, Levi found me and woke me up.”

She nodded, shifting the position of the goggles on her face. She must have been training earlier if she was wearing those. “I see. Well, I shouldn’t keep you for long. Go see Commander Shadis.”

She playfully pushed me near the exit, and I started heading back toward the castle. On the way there, I replayed my interaction with Levi over and over in my head. Compared to our last meeting, this one didn’t feel as awkward. Sure, he insulted both me and my cleaning skills (as well as Hanji when she arrived), but he was much more talkative than our previous encounters. Had Hanji managed to get him to open up a little bit over the last week? And it actually worked? I couldn’t believe it.

If I had to make an assessment of him, he appeared to be a little more relaxed than he was during our first run-in with each other. Maybe there was hope for him becoming a true Scout. Perhaps he would allow himself to be accepted in our little family, as Dad always described it.

Strangely enough, I felt a tug at my chest, and it wasn’t from my broken ribs. I felt almost _excited_ at the prospect of running into Levi again. He was such a mystery, and a part of me yearned to figure him out. The way he carried himself, the way he seemed so disinterested in everything around him, and the blunt tone of voice he addressed everyone with. Not to mention the use of vulgar language he flaunted around.

I wondered if Dad had met someone like him when he was in the Scouts. I bit my lip at the thought. By the Walls, I wished I could speak to him now.

|~|

“Wolf,” Shadis addressed me when I reached his office, “I have approved your request to join the medical squad as an apprentice. You know the drill—one year as an intern, and one year to become a certified medic.”

I knew it all too well. I had spent three years as a student, and then two more years as an advanced student. Now, these later years would focus on healing severe injuries, like broken bones and internal bleeding (God only knew I could use that knowledge right now, what with my busted-up ribs).

“Thank you, Commander. I won’t let you down.”

“I know you won’t,” he replied, his eyes stern. “You’re a dedicated soldier. I know you’ll perform to the fullest extent.” A warm glow of pride pooled in my chest. “You’ll start tomorrow, under the instruction of Lina Stuber.”

I knew Lina. I had been one of her students when I was just starting my training. She was a no-nonsense woman who was constantly focused on her work. However, she did show compassion for her patients and the students, considering they followed her directions around the medical wing.

“Thank you. I’ll be there bright and early tomorrow morning.”

“Good. You’re dismissed.”

I couldn’t contain my excitement as I headed out of the office and down the hall. My arms and legs tingled like they were made of lightning, and my heart was thundering in my chest. I honestly thought it would pound so hard it would break my ribs even further.

As I practically skipped down the hall, I passed a Scout leaning against the wall; with a jolt, I realized it was Levi. But as I turned around to face him, he was already walking away in the opposite direction. With a sigh, I watched him disappear into the dimly-lit hall.

How was I going to get through him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, Mia was going to be a full-time medic, but then I realized she wouldn't have much to do outside of that. I plan to have her become a part-time medic but still a regular soldier who goes out on expeditions. This will be mentioned frequently, though - I won't drop this concept. 
> 
> Writing the triplets as children with their parents has become one of my new favorite hobbies in relation to this story (apart from planning out the timeline, sketching character designs, etc.); I've drawn on my own family experiences to give theirs some life. 
> 
> And finally, we have another interaction between Levi and Mia! It'll be a little while before Mia believes they'll have progress with their "friendship," especially with the tone Levi always addresses her with, but it's a start. And after writing these scenes between them (I'm currently working on chapter 13), I have to say, I'm getting a little more comfortable. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's read so far! And thank you for the kudos and bookmarks and comments! Your feedback really means a lot to me :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is on the longer side, even though nothing major happens. It's one of the last slow "filler" chapters before the plot picks up with the fall of Shiganshina. I don't want the major events to move too fast, and I don't want the whole story to feel rushed.

|IX|

Lina Stuber nodded in approval as she inspected the bandages wrapped around my chest. For the past few days, she had allowed me to change them myself, just to test how well I could wrap injuries. “You’re getting better, Wolf. It appears you remember much from your student training.”

“Thank you, ma’am. That means a lot to me.”

I had been training under Dr. Stuber for two weeks now. According to both her and the nurse in the medical wing, my ribs were almost fully healed. The pain in my chest had gone down dramatically, and it no longer hurt for me to breathe. Now, I could do some simple exercises; in a few more days, I would be able to continue my ODM training. Commander Shadis still hadn’t informed me if I was assigned to a new squad, so I assumed I was going to stay as a medic-in-training.

The next expedition was slated for next week, and I desperately wanted to join. However, I wasn’t about to approach Shadis again just to beg him to let me go—especially when I was just starting to make progress with my recovery.

“Are you planning on becoming a certified medic and join the medical squad?” Lina continued, glancing at her notes. Currently, we were in the medical wing, and she was perched in the chair next to the bed. Meanwhile, I pulled my shirt back on and began buttoning it up.

“Well, I’d like to be registered as a medic like you, but the Commander hasn’t told me whether or not he wants me to join the medical squad. I don’t know if I’m going to be assigned to another squad.”

She was silent after that, and I didn’t blame her. The pain of losing Flagon, Daisy, and the rest of my squad had lessened considerably, but that didn’t mean it still didn’t hurt. My dreams at night were still plagued with blood-spattered memories of the Abnormal attack. Sometimes I woke up nearly screaming; I had to shove my fist against my mouth to prevent myself from waking up Hanji and the other Scouts in the girls’ barracks.

Once my shirt was secure, I pulled my jacket back over my shoulders. Lina kept her eyes glued to her notes, tapping a finger against her glasses. “I’ll ask him about it, if you want me to.”

Before I could respond, however, the door of the medical wing swung open. Commander Shadis stepped inside, to our surprise. He nodded to Lina before turning to me.

“Wolf, it’s good to see you. If you don’t mind, I’d like to speak with you for a moment.”

I sprang to my feet instantly, giving Lina a tiny nod. When she returned it, I followed Shadis out of the medical wing. Once we were outside, he turned to me, his arms crossed over his chest.

“Listen, Wolf. The expedition is approaching quickly, and we need all the help we can get. Before we arrive in Shiganshina next week, I want you to deliver a few papers to some of our soldiers spending time with their families. Unfortunately, this expedition will require a considerable amount of manpower.”

I didn’t expect anything less, since we lost quite a few soldiers during our last expedition. I didn’t bother offering to join the expedition myself; it wouldn’t be worth it to be a liability for my fellow Scouts.

“I understand. Do you want me to leave immediately?”

“Yes, the sooner the better,” he answered. “Thank you for this. I’ll be in my office; when you’re ready, come pick up the paperwork.”

“Yes, sir.” I saluted to him before heading off to the girls’ barracks.

It only took roughly an hour to reach Wall Maria on horseback, especially with a horse as fast as Edel. If we didn’t get distracted, we could be back before sunset. However, the thought of Shiganshina made me hopeful; if Commander Shadis approved it, maybe I could visit my mother at our old home.

Still, I felt sympathetic for the soldiers I would have to approach for their participation in the next expedition. However, many of them wouldn’t argue when they learned the order was directly from Commander Shadis. In the end, they were loyal to the Survey Corps, and they were always ready to dedicate their hearts for the good of humanity.

When I reached the barracks, I swiped the small brown backpack I kept out from underneath my bed. Inside were my spare set of clothes, toothbrush, toothpaste, bar of soap and other HBA products. Tucked inside the small back pocket was a packet of special pills Hanji had given to me when I turned twenty-one. Apparently, one of the veteran female Scouts had given them to her, claiming that they prevented you from getting pregnant. Relationships in the military weren’t forbidden, but it was expected of couples to take certain precautions. No one wanted to drag children into the military life, especially when they were newborns.

These pills had stayed in my backpack ever since Hanji had gifted them to me; I had never found a good use for them. Ever since my incident with Jax, I had never been intimate with another person, male or female. I just didn’t see the point in it anymore. However, that didn’t mean I discouraged other soldiers from entering relationships with each other.

Once I had packed it with a couple food rations and my canteen, I slung it over my shoulder and donned my Survey Corps cloak. That familiar sense of pride washed over me as I saw my reflection in the window, the Wings of Freedom sewed boldly on the green fabric. No matter how many times I put it on, I would always be in awe of the fact that I finally had a cloak of my own.

I had no reason to take ODM gear, because I wasn’t going anywhere near the edge of the Wall. If I ended up needing it later, Shiganshina’s Garrison soldiers could always lend me some. They had done it before, they would do it again. However, I wasn’t going completely defenseless; clipped to my belt was a knife, which I was confident I could fight off possible enemies with. I didn’t have to worry about Titans, I only had to worry about other humans. Luckily, most civilians weren’t stupid enough to attack a member of the military, no matter what their branch may be. Still, it was better to be safe than sorry, especially with the memory of my father being attacked in Ehrmich District all those years ago lingering in my mind.

When I was all set, I jogged over to the main base. I reached Shadis’ office in a few minutes, he was filing a stack of papers at his desk. Apparently, we had quite a few Scouts stationed in Shiganshina for family leave.

“Here are the list of soldiers in the district,” he said, handing me the stack. They were bound together in a skin cover, which was tied with a thick string of leather. “The locations they’re at are written on their profiles.”

“Thank you, Commander.” As I slipped the stack of papers into my backpack, I found the courage to ask him my question: “Commander, since I’m already going to be in Shiganshina, I was wondering if I could pay a visit to my mother. After I do this, of course. But only with your approval,” I added, fearing rejection.

His dark brown eyes scanned me over for a few seconds, like he was evaluating me. Finally, he let out a defeated sigh. “Alright, I’ll allow it. But I expect you to be back by sunset the day after tomorrow. Now go, Wolf. You are dismissed.”

At this moment, I realized just how old Commander Shadis appeared. He couldn’t be over forty, but the wrinkles in his face and the distant look in his eyes made him appear to be much older than he actually was. Being the Commander of any military branch, especially the Survey Corps, came with a lot of emotional baggage and stress. I couldn’t imagine putting up with it myself. No matter how much I loved being a Scout, I would never take on the role of Commander.

“Y-yes, sir.” Once I saluted to him again, I slung the bag over my shoulder and walked out of the office.

I was lucky that he took family time seriously. He was possibly the most humane Commander the Survey Corps had ever been graced with; he constantly advocated for the well-being of his soldiers, and whenever they asked for it, he allowed them to visit their homes and their families. Whenever Dad had told us about him, he always mentioned that, despite his hard appearance and scary eyes, he had a good heart. He really did care about the soldiers who laid down their lives for him and humanity as a whole.

On the way to the stables, I saw Hanji lingering outside the mess hall with the rest of her squad. She waved over to me, but when she saw me in my cloak, she tilted her head and jogged over to me. She was still dressed in her ODM gear, and her yellow shirt was soaked with sweat. Her hair stuck to her forehead, and her goggles were slightly foggy around the edges.

“Where are you going? Is Commander Shadis sending you somewhere?”

“Yes. Apparently, he wants me to retrieve some of the soldiers in Shiganshina in time for the next expedition. …He also gave me permission to visit my mom.”

She nodded slowly, her eyes now distant. “Ah, I see. And you’re heading out now?”

“Yes. I just wanted to let you know. Shadis said I don’t have to be back until sunset the day after tomorrow. I’ll try to be back before then, though.” If I spent too much time at home, I wouldn’t want to return back to base later on.

“Okay. Well, say hi to your mother for me. I’ll see you soon.”

She wrapped me up in her arms, and I hugged her back tightly. I didn’t even care that she was sweaty and gross from training. She could be completely covered in dirt and mud and blood, and I would still hug her with all my might. She was my best friend, and nothing would come before that.

When we broke apart, I gave her a final nod and headed toward the stables. I had to get Edel ready.

Upon reaching the stables and entering through the large opening, I walked past the gorgeous black mare in the first stall on the left. She snorted at me and poked her head out past the gate. With a smile, I reached my hand up and let her sniff me before stroking her snout.

“Hi, pretty girl.” It irked me that she still didn’t have a name, but it really wasn’t my place to give her one. She wasn’t my own horse—she was Levi’s. “Your stall’s still spotless. You must love your new rider, huh?” She grunted, nudging my hand with her huge nose.

I gave her a final pat before moving further down, toward Edel’s stall. When he heard me coming closer, he stuck his head outside, as well, letting out a happy whinny when he saw me. I unlatched his stall and rubbed his neck and chest.

“Hey, boy. Ready to head out? It’s been a while since you went out on a run.”

At the sound of the R-word, his ears pricked forward. He loved the promise of a run outside the stables, and not a simple gallop in the fenced-in area near the base. He preferred running in the valleys and meadows, either inside or outside of the Walls. He wasn’t a picky horse, as long as he got his exercise on time.

I brushed him down as quickly as I could, making sure his coat was sleek and shiny. Then, I smoothed down his thick mane and brushed out his tail. I wouldn’t let him be seen in Shiganshina looking like some common pony. He was a Survey Corps horse, and I was proud of that fact.

Once he was clean, I began to tack him up. I put the saddle pad over him first, and then the actual saddle. He winced and stretched out his neck as I tightened the girth around his stomach. “I know, buddy. It’s okay.” All horses hated the tightening of the girth; when I’d asked my father why they did, he answered, “Imagine tightening a belt around your stomach really hard—that’s what they feel.” At the time, I thought it was cruel for the horses, but now, I knew it was only a safety precaution. I didn’t want the saddle to slip off when we were galloping. If that happened, both Edel and I would get hurt.

As I leaned out of the stall to grab Edel’s bridle hanging on the outside peg, I caught sight of a familiar black-haired Scout entering the stables through the huge opened door. I did my best to hide my groan and disappeared back into Edel’s stall. I slipped the bit into his mouth and the bridle over his face. When I was working on tightening the straps near his cheek and ears, though, I heard the footsteps from outside getting closer.

I did my best to ignore Levi, who was now standing outside the stall. At the sight of him, Edel snorted and stretched his nose out toward him, pulling away from me. I cursed under my breath as the strap came undone underneath my fingers.

_Damn it, Edel, you’re not helping!_

“Where are you heading off to?”

I had no reason to answer him, but I found myself doing so anyway. “Commander Shadis is sending me to Shiganshina to bring back some of our soldiers. Apparently, we need all the help we can get with this expedition next week.”

He grunted, keeping his eyes on Edel. At the silvery horse’s silent begging, he finally reached out his hand toward him. Edel nuzzled his hand and snorted, bumping his snout against his hand. Finally, I managed to tighten the straps around his face, securing the bridle in place. I threw the reins up and over his head, grasping them in my hand, and headed out the stall. When he realized he was closer to Levi, Edel cooed and blinked adoringly at him, still nudging him with his huge nose.

I tried to hide the smile on my face at his actions. “It looks like he likes you.” Well, Edel seemed to love everyone—he was just that kind of horse—but still, it was kind of charming to see him act so lovingly toward someone as cold and emotionless as Levi.

The Scout said nothing; he only continued to pet my horse on his nose. Finally, he spoke up in his deep voice: “I wouldn’t get so attached to him.”

“Too late,” I replied with a sheepish smile. “He’s part of my family at this point. Honestly, I was so relieved when Hanji told me they were able to find him after the last expedition. I honestly thought he’d died in the…” I swallowed hard, looking down at the ground, “…Abnormal attack.”

Thankfully, he didn’t storm off like the last time I’d accidentally mentioned anything having to do with his former friends. But he didn’t meet my eyes, even when I stole a glance up at him. He kept his eyes on Edel’s neck, his black bangs acting as a curtain between his face and mine.

_Well, at least it’s progress…?_

“I saw their horses on the ground in the rain that day.” His voice was so quiet I thought I’d imagined the words pouring from his mouth. _By the Walls, he was actually talking about Furlan and Isabel!_ “She…decided to name her horse, too. I told her it wasn’t worth it, but she didn’t listen…as usual,” he added with the tiniest bittersweet smile.

My chest squeezed at the sight of his downcast face. As far as I knew, he was now alone in this world. The only family he had known was now ripped to pieces and strewn along the mud outside the Walls. I rarely saw him spending time with the other Scouts stationed at the base, save for Hanji and myself. Were we the only two people to make an effort to connect with him? Had Erwin talked to him lately? If he was still alone, why did he decide to stay in the Scouts?

“She sounded like a really cute kid,” I whispered, scratching Edel’s neck. “And I’ll be honest: she was _really_ adorable.”

“She was,” he agreed, without hesitation. “She never grew out of her childish stage; honestly, she was a real pain in the ass sometimes.”

 _Yeah, I could only imagine_. “And…what about him? How was he?”

The fact we weren’t referring to them by their names somewhat lessened the pain. But if it helped Levi open up and get this weight off his chest, I would gladly go along with whatever felt best for him. He was right—I _didn’t_ know Isabel and Furlan as well as he did, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t help him through the pain. I had to let him know I was here for him.

“He was the strategist of our little group,” Levi answered after a lengthy moment. “Always trying his best to keep us out of trouble. He really loved her…”

As his voice trailed off, he pulled himself away from Edel, who whined at the loss of contact. He turned his back to us, pressing his hand to the side of Edel’s stall. It was clear to me he was done talking for now. But I wouldn’t push him. I was happy he had opened up to me at all right now.

“Well,” I began a little awkwardly, clearing my throat, “I’m always here if you need someone to talk to. I’ll be back in a couple of days. But if you need something, I’m sure Hanji could help you out.”

He made that little _tch_ sound with his mouth again, turning back to me. “And why would I go to shitty glasses? She’s fucking annoying.”

 _Ah, I knew it was too good to last._ “Well, she happens to be my best friend, so if I were you, I would watch my mouth, especially whenever you decide to insult her in my presence.”

He only scoffed, a tiny smirk splaying on his lips. “Whatever you say, Wolf.”

At the sound of my last name soaring from his lips like that, I felt the blood rush up to my cheeks. But before I could ponder over it, he was already walking away.

“The stall still looks like shit, by the way.”

“Oh, cut it out!” But he was already out of the stable, disappearing around the corner.

 _My God, he was so infuriating sometimes!_ But aside from that, I was elated at the fact he had said so much to me in such a short time span. It was a step in the right direction, and if we continued down this path, perhaps we could live our lives without hating each other’s existence.

I peered back at Edel, who seemed to be smirking at me. His lip was up in a playful manner, and his eyes sparkled with mischief. “Oh, shut up, Edel. Come on, we gotta get moving.”

I lead him outside of the stable, passing Levi’s sweet black mare on the way, and brought him out toward the wooden fence of the corral nearby. Using the fence as a makeshift mounting block, I pulled down the stirrups of the saddle and swung myself up on his back. Once I was secure on his back, with my backpack still on my shoulders and under my cloak, I kicked Edel into gear, and the two of us bolted away from the base, kicking up grass and dirt in our wake.

|~|

It was late in the afternoon when I realized we had only another quarter of the way to go before we reached Shiganshina. Sweat slid down my forehead and the back of my neck, and Edel was starting to run out of breath. Horses specially bred for the Survey Corps could cover long distances for lengthy periods of time, but even they needed their rest at some point or another.

I slowed him down when we reached a nearby river, which looked clean enough to drink from. When we came to a full stop, I dismounted and let him drink from the water below. Meanwhile, I gulped down the final bit of water in my canteen before refilling it.

As I spread the water on my face and neck, to try to cool myself down, my mind kept floating back to Levi. I was still thrilled at the fact he had talked to me civilly. Sure, there were the usual insults, but the more I thought about them, the more I began to suspect that was just the way he usually talked. If I had to guess, he’d probably used that kind of language with Furlan and Isabel, when they used to live in the Underground City.

Some part of me began to feel guilty for leaving him back there. He had finally found someone he could talk to about his deceased friends, and I had left with a lame note: “I’ll be back in a few days.” What kind of person did that?

But on the other hand, the Commander himself had given me the order to travel to Shiganshina. I couldn’t exactly disobey him in favor of staying behind to spend time with Levi. Besides, I didn’t want to smother him; I didn’t want to be a second Hanji.

I let out a sigh, rubbing my eyes and splashing water onto my face. Hopefully, by the time I made it back to base, Levi wouldn’t act coldly toward me. Hopefully he kept our most recent counter in mind, and we could work from that whenever we met up again.

“Alright, boy, time to go.” Edel’s snout was still in the river, and he sucked up large gulps of water. “Hey, come on! You don’t want a stomach ache.” I pulled him away and mounted him again, urging him ahead. We didn’t jump into a gallop right away; I didn’t want to make him feel sick. We didn’t have that much farther to go, anyway.

|~|

When I arrived at the inner gates of Shiganshina, the Garrison soldiers allowed me to enter the district to carry out my assigned business. Edel was kept in the spare stable outside the city, where the Survey Corps usually kept its extra horses a few days in advance of an expedition. Although the Garrison soldiers had a reputation for being unreliable and typical drunkards, the soldiers who assisted me were considerably nice.

“Hey, I have a question for you,” an older one spoke up as I entered the district with him. “You look a little familiar—you wouldn’t happen to be Ben’s little sister, would you?”

I couldn’t suppress the smile that crawled up on my face. “I am, actually. I’m Mia Wolf. It’s nice to meet you.”

He shook my hand, returning my smile. “Nice to meet you, too, Miss Mia. Noah Tanzer, at your service. I actually used to be your brother’s Squad Leader, when he first arrived here.”

“Do you know where he is right now?” I tried not to sound too desperate. I hadn’t seen Ben in a couple of years, and it was starting to hurt.

“Actually, he’s on family leave right now. He’s with your mother, I believe. And…between you and me,” he said, leaning over and dropping his voice, “his girlfriend isn’t too thrilled. I think she misses him.”

Although I laughed along with him, I couldn’t believe the news. Ben had a girlfriend? In the Garrison? How come I was just hearing about this now? I had to ask him about her later.

“Well, thank you for the information. Once I’m finished with what I have to do, I’ll be stopping by to say hi.”

“No problem, Miss Mia. Take care of yourself.”

“You, too!” With that, I headed further into the district, the bundle of papers held against my chest. Time to get to work.

|~|

Throughout the rest of the day, I went from door to door, addressing the listed soldiers of Shadis’ orders concerning the upcoming expedition. Luckily, none of them, not even the younger ones, gave me a problem about leaving early. While some of them opted to leave right away, others decided to spend one or two final days with their families before heading out later on. But they weren’t in a rush—we still had a week.

Finally, when the last Scout had been informed of the situation, I dragged myself to my childhood home in the farthest corner of Shiganshina, closest to the Wall. If I strained my ears, over the bustling of the citizens inside, I could hear the Titans pounding and clawing at the thick stone. I shuddered, feeling helpless without my ODM gear strapped to my waist.

Ma and Dad moved me and my siblings from Ehrmich to Shiganshina in the year 827, soon after Dad’s mission in the Underground City (which thankfully, Ma never found out about). The Survey Corps had set up a base outside the Walls around that time, so they spent most of their time around Shiganshina. To be closer to him, Ma decided to follow him to the southern district, taking the three of us with her.

To be honest, I preferred Shiganshina over Ehrmich. The house we’d moved into was much bigger than our own, and we had a huge yard out in front, with a pair of trees that changed colors and shed their leaves in autumn. Apparently, the house we now lived in used to belong to Dad’s parents, and no other citizen had decided to move in (probably because it was so close to the outer Wall).

The sight of the familiar white and brown house gave me a warm feeling in my newly-healed chest. I peeked through the window and saw my mother, her blond hair pulled back in a braid, wiping down the kitchen counter. Behind her, I saw my brother setting the table for dinner. And past him, I caught sight of my sister in the background, spooning soup into three bowls.

_I’m home._

I knocked on the door, feeling a wave of emotion wash over me. A few seconds later, the door opened, and my eyes met Leyna’s blue ones. Her jaw dropped as she stared at me, her eyes roaming up and down my body.

“Mia…”

Without thinking, I lunged forward and wrapped my arms around her. Slowly, she returned the hug, burying her face in my neck. We weren’t the cuddliest of sisters, but we were still there for each other when we needed to be. Now, despite all of our fights and issues with each other, I was thankful for her embrace.

“Leyna? Who is it?”

Ma suddenly gasped, and when I opened my eyes, I peered over my sister’s shoulder. Our mother was standing there in the doorway, her hands covering her mouth. Tears began streaming down her face.

“Mia! It’s been so long!”

It really had been. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d visited home. Everything had been so crazy the past few years, what with Dad’s death, the accident with Rosalie and Emmett, and the most recent incident with Flagon’s squad.

Breaking out of my sister’s grasp, I made my way over to Ma and hugged her, and she peppered my face with kisses. Up close, I could see the wrinkles and creases in her face, as well as the strands of gray in her hair. She wasn’t as young as she used to be, but she was still as beautiful as ever. Whenever Dad told us the story of meeting her, he always told us how gorgeous she was, with her blond hair and blue eyes, which only Leyna had inherited from her.

“I’ve missed you, little one.” A surge of tears threatened to spill at the old nickname. But I had to be strong. “You’re just in time for dinner. Leyna, could you set out a bowl for her?”

As my sister made her way back into the kitchen, Ben stepped through the doorway. When our eyes met, he smiled warmly at me, reaching over and mussing up my hair with his hand. “Hey, Mimi. How have you been, kiddo?”

“I’ve been better,” I answered quietly, giving him a hug. “Commander Shadis sent me here on business, but he let me come visit you, since I was already in the area. But I didn’t know you and Leyna were here, too.”

I wasn’t disappointed when I learned I wasn’t the only one intending to spend time with Ma. To be honest, it made me feel better when my siblings visited home at the same times I did. It brought a sense of normalcy back into our lives, even if only for a short while. It reminded me of the times we spent together as children, before we decided to enlist in the 90th Training Corps.

“Yeah, it’s a stroke of luck. But I’m glad you’re here, too. It’s not the same without our little sister,” he added with a laugh, rubbing his hand against my bangs. I grumbled and swatted his hand away when I felt my hair become staticky.

A few moments later, the four of us were seated around the table, invested in our bowls of chicken noodle soup. It was a favorite between myself, Leyna, and Ben; Ma knew what she was doing whenever we came home from the military. She knew exactly how to win us over.

Right now, it felt like a real family dinner, just like we used to have back when we were children. The only one missing right now was Dad, I realized with a hard swallow.

After a while of eating in silence, Ma suddenly raised her head and gazed at each of us for a few moments. “Has anything new happened between you three? Come on, it gets lonely here—you guys have to keep me updated, you know.”

I wasn’t about to tell her _anything_ regarding the Abnormal attack and Flagon’s squad, or even Rosalie and Emmett. My family already worried about me enough, and I didn’t need them to get upset over anything that didn’t concern them. They were my burdens to carry as a Scout, and no one else’s.

“Oh, I have something I’d like to ask,” I spoke up with a smile. “Ben, when I arrived here today, I met your old Squad Leader. Would you mind telling me something? Who exactly is this _girlfriend_ he mentioned?”

Leyna burst into laughter as our brother stared blankly ahead, the tips of his ears red with blood. He cleared his throat and tugged at the collar of his dark blue shirt. “Ah, well, we only just started going out a couple years ago…but we’ve known each other for a while now. She was actually part of the 93rd Training Corps, and now she’s a Squad Leader herself, like me.”

“That’s all fine and interesting,” Leyna giggled, doing a poor job of hiding her smile behind her hand, “but what’s her name? What does she look like?”

“Uh…” His eyes became glazed as he continued to talk, as he remembered his girlfriend. “Her name is Rico Brzenska. She has really shiny blond hair, and she wears glasses, kind of like Hanji. She’s super serious most of the time, but she’s really nice once you get to know her.”

Ma leaned forward, her head resting on her elbows as she gazed lovingly at her only son. “It sounds like she makes you happy, Ben.”

“…She does. I really like her.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’ve found someone. I have to meet her one of these days.” As Ben blushed darkly at her words, Ma turned to me and Leyna, as we sat next to each other at the table. “What about you two? Have you girls met any special partners?”

Thankfully, Leyna answered before I could. “Well, I met this nice guy named Emil, and he’s actually from Stohess District. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months, and he’s really cool. He’s in charge of guarding the royal government, just like I am,” she added a little proudly.

“Oh, how nice!” Ma continued to gush. “An inner city boy. He treats you well, right?”

“Absolutely. There’s no one like him.”

“Of course there isn’t. …Now, Mia,” my mother began, shifting her eyes over to me, “what about you? Have you met a nice boy? Or girl?”

“Well…”

She was the only one at this table who didn’t know my past relationship with Jax; and even my own siblings didn’t even know the reason why I broke up with him in the first place. Other than him, though, I hadn’t met anyone I was even remotely romantically interested in. It wasn’t as though Jax had ruined any future relationships for me—it had been long enough that I knew he had little to no effect on my life now—I just simply wasn’t interested in anyone else. That didn’t mean I was still in love with Jax; he could rot in the Underground for the rest of his days, for all I cared.

“No, I haven’t met anyone yet. Sorry…”

“Aw, don’t apologize, Mimi,” my mother murmured, reaching over and resting her hand on mine. “You’ll meet the right one someday.”

“…How will I know when I’ve met him?”

“Oh, you’ll know. I did, when I met your father.”

My throat tensed up at the mention of Dad. My parents always spoke of each other so fondly, with so much adoration and love in their voices. And despite all the challenges that came their way, especially with Dad’s early retirement and leg injuries, they made it work. I aspired to have a relationship like that with someone I loved dearly.

However, I would take Ma’s advice. I would know it when I met him, whoever he may turn out to be.

Leyna suddenly gasped and leaned forward. “Oh, I forgot to tell you guys. Mia, there are a few rumors floating around that the Scouts recruited some people from the Underground City. Is that true?”

I flinched at the memory. _Levi, Isabel, and Furlan_. Had it already been a month since I’d met them for the first time? And a month since Furlan and Isabel were murdered?

“Ah, well, sort of…” How could I put this in a way that made sense? Even I wasn’t completely sold on Erwin’s decision to accept them. “One of our Squad Leaders decided to recruit them because they showed promise with ODM gear.”

“Yeah, but aren’t they criminals?”

“No—they used to be. Not anymore, though.” It was hard to talk about them in the present tense, especially when two-thirds of the original group had been torn up by Titans. “Well, we lost two of them in our most recent expedition…” I squeezed my eyes shut, trying my best to block out the memory of their deaths.

She nodded, leaning back in her seat. “So there’s only one left?”

“Yeah… I think he’s been having a tough time coping, too. It looks like his only friends were the two others we recruited, but now they’re gone. And by the way they acted around each other, they were more like family rather than friends.”

Ma sighed sadly at the news, tracing patterns on the table with her finger. “I wouldn’t expect anything else. It’s terrifying in the Underground City; they probably had to do what they had to do to survive down there. I couldn’t imagine living down there for even a day.”

Ben nodded, diverting his eyes from hers. “Mia,” he began, gazing up at me, “have you reached out to him? That sounds like something you would do.”

 _Damn it, my brother knew me all too well_. “I’ve tried, but he’s very distant. We’ve been getting a little better, but he’s still kind of intimidating. Hanji seems to like him, though.”

Leyna stifled another giggle. “That doesn’t surprise me. She was always the weird one.”

 _I mean, I couldn’t argue with her there…_ “Yeah…”

|~|

Once we were done eating, Ma began to wash the dishes, and Leyna helped her dry them. As Ben began wrapping up the leftovers for tomorrow’s lunch, I wiped down the table with a wet rag. The four of us worked in silence, simply content with the company of each other.

We were all exhausted, especially in the emotional state, so we decided to turn in early. We had our own rooms in this house, unlike the one we had back in Ehrmich, but whenever we met up between our military duties, my siblings and I decided to sleep together in the same room, with one of us in the bed and the other two on the floor with a pillow and blanket. This time, it was Ben’s turn to host us in his room. As he stayed in his bed, Leyna and I settled on the floor across from one another.

As Ben snored up above, I found myself struggling to fall asleep. No matter how hard I tried or reminded myself that I was finally home, I couldn’t relax.

Talking about Isabel and Furlan had brought up the memories again. Every time my eyes shut, I saw the blood of my squadmates drenching the wet grass below me. I saw Sairam’s lower half and Furlan’s upper half—and Isabel’s severed head—and Daisy’s bloody stumps for legs—and Flagon’s chewed up remains. I had fought against them for a few weeks, but now, I couldn’t do it anymore.

“Mia.”

At Leyna’s voice, I turned over in my spot on the floor. Leyna was on her side, staring over me, with the brown quilt thrown over her shoulders. Even through the darkness, I could clearly see her bright blue eyes.

“What’s wrong? You can’t sleep?”

“Not really…”

With a sigh, she squirmed herself closer to me on the floor, resting a hand on my head. To be honest, Leyna seemed like an entirely different person sometimes, depending on whether or not she was with her fellow Military Police members or me, Ben, and Ma. Whenever we met up with each other in Shiganshina, she was always warm and comforting to me, never belittling me in front of our brother or mom. But it was a completely different story when she was back in Mitras, as a member of the Military Police Brigade.

“It’s okay, kiddo. You’re safe here. Ben and I won’t let anything happen to you.”

It was hard to tell whether or not she was being genuine, or if she was just saying that to make me feel better. Either way, her words served their purpose, and once I snuggled my face into her chest, I fell asleep almost instantly.

|~|

Unfortunately, Leyna had to leave early the next day. She planned on riding to Trost District and taking a carriage back to Mitras in Wall Sina. With a hard swallow, I hugged her tightly, not wanting to let her slip away again. There was no telling when we would meet up with each other again. We didn’t know how long it would be until the three of us were all together with Ma in Shiganshina.

But I let her go, and she was gone in a flash. Once she left our little home, I realized I had to start heading back. As much as I wanted to stay longer, I knew that in the long run, it was better if I just started heading back to Wall Rose. That way, I wouldn’t be hesitant to return later in the future.

At noon, I said goodbye to my mother and Ben. Ma held me tightly, her blond hair brushing against my face. I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill. Suddenly, I was five years old again, yearning to be in the arms of both my mother and my father. But I had to face reality sooner than later, and the more I put it off, the less I would want to return to it.

“Be safe out there,” she whispered against my cheek as she pressed a kiss to it. “Take care of yourself and the other Scouts. Watch out for each other.”

“I will.” It was comforting to know Hanji was waiting for me back at the base. A thrill of excitement struck me as I realized Levi was also there. The memory of our last conversation made me a little hopeful for the future.

When I turned to Ben, he enveloped me into one of his famous bear hugs, which he’d inherited from our father. Even now, it didn’t surprise me how much he looked like Dad when he was younger. He was practically the spitting image of him at this point.

“I’ll see you soon,” he muttered against the top of my head, holding me tightly against him. “And then you can meet my girlfriend, okay?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“By then, though,” he added, holding me away from himself, “I want to know whether you’ve found your special someone. You don’t have to—but try to have an idea of who it could be.”

I rolled my eyes playfully, punching him lightly in the shoulder. “Oh, fine, if you say so. But I can’t promise you anything.”

By the Walls, I was going to miss my family. Saying goodbye to them whenever I revisited my home in Shiganshina was always the hardest part, but Ben always tried to ease the pain for everyone around him. That was one of the things I loved about him, though.

“I have to go. Bye, guys. I love you both.” With a final hug and kiss for each of them, I started my trek toward the inner gate, where Edel was waiting for me in his little makeshift stall.

|~|

Edel was beyond excited when he saw me approaching him. I thanked the Garrison soldiers who had watched over him during the night and began to tack him up. Once his saddle and bridle were fastened and secure, I swung myself up into the saddle and urged him on. He let out a happy snort as we began galloping back toward our base.

I fought the urge to look back behind me as Shiganshina grew smaller and smaller in the distance. I knew I would be back at some point—I just didn’t know when. Tears began to prick my eyes as I imagined Ma sitting alone at the table of our huge, lonely house; of Ben perched on the Walls outside of Shiganshina District, staring out into the distance; and of Leyna, patrolling the inner districts with her revolver slung around her shoulder.

_I’ll see you again soon, my family. I promise I’ll see you soon._

|~|

The base was quiet by the time we reached it. It was late in the morning, and most of the squads were in the nearby forest, going over training techniques to prepare for the upcoming expedition. I was alone as I dismounted Edel and walked him to the first stable.

However, when I reached the stall, I froze in my tracks. The stall was as neat and tidy as it had ever been. His water trough was clean and filled with fresh water, and the hay was spread along the stall floor in an orderly fashion. The brushes and towels on the shelf had been cleaned and polished, and even his halter had been scrubbed. Everything now looked brand new. As I kept staring at the shiny stall, I felt my lips pull up into a soft smile.

Sometime while I was gone, someone had chosen to clean it. And I had a pretty good idea of who it could possibly be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was hesitant to have Levi and Mia interact in this chapter, since I don't want to force them to become friends. However, I think they're slowly getting used to each other, and with Mia's constant attempts to get him to talk, I feel like Levi would give in to her eventually. Of course, he still keeps his distance. (Also, my favorite part of this chapter to write was the ending, where Mia returns to find Edel's stall spotless.) 
> 
> This is the first time I wrote all three Wolf siblings interacting together as adults, and while they're not as carefree and happy as they were when they were children, they still share a bond of trust between them. I can't wait to explore this in future chapters, especially with Leyna's different attitudes toward Mia. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! You guys are awesome! :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's now 845, and we're getting closer to the fall of Shiganshina. This is the last filler chapter before the plot picks up; I plan on releasing the next two chapters together, since they technically go together.

|X|

The year was now 845. Months had passed since I last visited my home back in Shiganshina, and I hadn’t heard from either my brother or my sister since then. It wasn’t surprising, since we rarely sent letters to each other nowadays, but still, it hurt a little bit.

By this time, my ribs had fully healed, and I was back to training. I wasn’t part of a new squad yet (Shadis had never assigned me to one, surprisingly), but for the last couple of months, I had been training with Hanji’s squad. Ever since she was appointed to Squad Leader earlier in 844, she was thrilled to finally lead a squad of her own, which consisted of three men so far (including her research partner, Moblit Berner), and she constantly offered me a place with them whenever they trained in the forest. I wasn’t jealous of her; I wished nothing but the best for her and her little squad.

My “friendship” with Levi, if you could even call it that, improved slowly over time. He could now refer to Isabel and Furlan by name, and whenever I caught him in a good mood, I could ask him about them, and he would share stories of living with them in the Underground before joining the Scouts. Sometimes he joined me and Hanji whenever we trained with her squad, but not all the time. He still preferred to keep to himself.

It was currently the end of spring, and the days were quickly growing warmer. Winter had been kind to us this year, thankfully, and we managed to get by with enough food and supplies. Usually we tended to lose some of our horses during the cold months, but all of them had survived this time. Edel was just as strong as ever, and so was Levi’s horse (even though, as far as I knew, she still didn’t have a name).

Today, Hanji decided to take us into the forest to take down a few Titan dummies. The two other men on her team were incredibly nice to me, even though I wasn’t technically part of their squad. There was Abel, who wore goggles and glasses, just like Hanji, and Keiji, who had a taller, bulkier build than most soldiers. I knew Moblit, since he was only a couple years younger than me and Hanji, and he had joined the Scouts soon after we did ourselves.

“Alright, team,” Hanji announced once the five of us were in the air, swinging from tree to tree, “the goal is to take down as many Titans as possible. We have to be sharp for the expedition!” Shadis was leading us outside the gates of Shiganshina in a couple of days, and I was slated to join. I had attended a few expeditions since my ribs had healed up, and thankfully, they hadn’t been as brutal as the last one. Sure, we still lost a few soldiers, but we had suffered worse.

Abel and I surged forward at once, our blades sharpened and ready in our hands. I spotted the closest wooden Titan dummy only a few trees away to my left, and I swung myself toward it. Luckily, no one was following me, so I had this one all to myself.

Sinking my wires into its rubber nape, I leaned my leg out to the right and sped toward it. In a flash, a chunk of the nape was sliced out, and vibrations raced up my arms. Whenever I killed a Titan, dummy or live, I always felt a thrill of excitement. It gave me hope whenever we killed one of these monstrosities—hope that we could, in fact, make the world a safer place for all of humanity.

I managed to take out two more dummies, as well, smirking as I saw their napes fall to the ground below. With a burst of gas from the canisters at my waist, I sped toward a fourth one, preparing to swing my arms and cut the nape out.

But just as I neared it, the nape was torn out. Someone had beaten me to it.

I growled and scanned the area for the person who had stolen my thunder. Anger began boiling up in my chest as I spotted Levi a few trees away, holding one of the blades backwards in his hand. Glaring at him, I shot my wire out into the tree next to him and brought myself up to face him.

“I had it, you know.”

“Your name wasn’t on it,” he replied coolly, his eyes glinting at me. In the pale sunlight that peered between the branches above us, they almost looked silver.

At least he was used to talking to me. Sure, he still had his fair share of insults and vulgar words, especially when it came to Hanji’s nickname (which he still used whenever she was nearby), but our relationship was a lot better now than it had been when we’d first met. Still, he had no right to steal that Titan out from under me.

He flew away from me, back to the Titan course. I glared before shooting myself after him, a good distance behind him. I didn’t want to waste any gas just to be petty. Through my red-brown bangs, I watched him approach a Titan dummy and start spinning around with his blades. He delivered a clean cut right across the nape, using his smaller figure to his advantage. When he was done, he simply moved on to the next one, not even sparing the dummy a glance.

I hadn’t really watched him train before this. If he did decide to work with me and Hanji, he kept to himself and branched out further into the forest, straying away from the squad. I never saw him take down a Titan, save for the two he killed on the expedition with Isabel and Furlan.

Rolling my eyes, I followed him through the trees, keeping my eyes glued onto him. No matter how fast I chased him, I couldn’t catch up to him. With every Titan dummy he brought down, I felt the anger in my chest getting more pronounced.

_He’s such a show-off. Well, I’ll show him!_

As I tightened my hands around the handles of my blades, I felt my blood begin to pound in my head. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, and a surge of adrenaline flooded through my veins. Suddenly, I felt so _alive_.

I launched my legs out behind me, giving me an extra boost as I released the gas from the canisters on my gear. The wind slapped me in the face, tousling my hair and making my cloak flow out behind me. I smirked as I found myself passing the black-haired Scout ahead.

_Take this, Levi!_

When I got closer to the Titan dummy, instead of aiming straight for the nape, I swung myself underneath its chin, using the trees around me to propel myself around it. As soon as I was in the air above it, I jammed my wires into the nape and sped down. My blades screamed as I tore out the nape, and with wide eyes, I watched it fall to the muddy ground.

These bursts of energy only happened when I got really angry or worked up, and I had experienced quite a few of them during my days as a cadet. They made me stronger and almost cleared my mind, so I was able to focus on whatever I was currently doing. As far as I knew, Leyna and Ben had experienced them, as well, but we never told anyone else about them. Perhaps these strange feelings and bursts of strength were what helped me and my siblings to rank in the top three of our graduating class. The only problem I had with them is that they only helped me in a physical sense—I could have used them in the classroom when I was still training.

As I brought myself down on a nearby tree branch, I leaned against the trunk, shoving my blades back into my holsters. Even though I loved these energy bursts, they took a lot out of me. It always took me a few moments to recover from them.

The branch shook as someone landed behind me; I peered over my shoulder to see Levi, staring at me with those mysterious gray eyes. Even when I looked away, I still felt his eyes on me. A blush began to rise up to my cheeks—I hoped that it was just from the workout and nothing else.

“Where did you learn how to do that?”

I met his eyes again, resting my back against the tree. My heart was still pounding like crazy. “I didn’t really learn it from anyone. It just… _came_ to me.”

As strange as it sounded, it was the truth. No one had taught me how to pull those odd maneuvers with my ODM gear whenever the adrenaline rushes kicked in. When I was in that focused state, it felt like I had full control over my body…and still, it felt like it wasn’t me at all. It was like someone had taken over my body, but I still had the power to stop them. I couldn’t really explain it, unfortunately.

Levi continued to look at me, the wind gently caressing the bangs that hung above his eyes. I held his gaze for as long as I could, waiting for him to speak. When it was clear he wasn’t going to, I cleared my throat and tore my eyes away from his own.

“Well, back to training. Hanji’s probably wondering where I am. Hey, does she even know you’re in here with us?” I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t; Levi tended to pop by whenever he felt like it, never feeling the need to notify those around him. It was infuriating, but that was just how he was.

He only shrugged at my question, gripping his blades tightly. I did the same, unsheathing them from the holsters on my waist. Without another word, he leaped from the branch and began to swing away. Grumbling under my breath, I followed him closely, keeping my eyes trained on him.

|~|

After our little exercise in the forest, Hanji brought us all back to base, praising us for a job well done. When she dismissed her squad, she and I headed toward the girls’ barracks. Levi had disappeared off somewhere shortly before Hanji regrouped us, and I hadn’t seen him since.

“So…you and Shorty have been getting closer,” she said all of a sudden. At her words, I nearly tripped over my own two feet and sent myself into the wall of the dorm.

Where did _that_ come from?!

“No, we haven’t. We’ve just learned how to tolerate each other by now.”

Hanji flopped down on the bottom bed of our bunk, smirking at me. To avoid her eyes, I began fiddling with the straps of my ODM gear, trying to shed it before heading to the mess hall for dinner later.

“Oh, come on. I saw you guys earlier in the forest, hanging out on the same branch. You guys are kind of cute together! You’re both short, so it’s adorable.”

“No, it’s not like that, believe me,” I shut her down, finally looking her in the eyes. “I’m just happy he’s starting to talk to me. Trust me, he’s not interested in me like that.”

She scoffed, rolling her eyes as she sat up on the covers. “You can’t fool me. I’ve seen that look in your eyes before.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Hanji.”

I didn’t know what she was getting at. _Him_ , and _me_? Together like…a _couple_? Ugh, pass. He wasn’t my type, and I didn’t think I was his kind of girl, either. I didn’t know where Hanji was getting these assumptions from, but they couldn’t be further from the truth.

I bit my lip as I remembered Ben’s words from the last time I visited him in Shiganshina, of the “promise” I made to him about finding a significant other by the time we met up again. _At least have an idea_ , he’d told me. Yeah, right. If I was going to have an idea for my future soulmate, it _definitely_ wasn’t going to be someone like Levi.

“Sure you don’t.” But she dropped the subject, thankfully.

_What a weirdo._

|~|

The expedition was upon us in a few days, and before we knew it, we only had a night to go before we went out beyond the Walls. As usual, I found it difficult to sleep, so when I was certain Hanji and the other girls were fast asleep, I snuck out of the barracks and began to walk toward the main castle of our base.

I was still dressed in my green shirt, with the sleeves rolled up to my elbows, and the white pants from my uniform. I never dressed in my usual pajamas before an expedition, and neither did the other Scouts. We couldn’t waste any time as we headed toward Shiganshina in the early morning.

The moon peered down at me as I made my way into the castle. I took my usual route, up the stairs and toward the roof. Honestly, I hadn’t visited this spot since we lost Isabel and Furlan, since all I could think of was the memory of them sitting up here with Levi. Instead, I opted to hang out on the roof of the stables. Tonight, I didn’t want to disturb the horses, so I went to the roof of the castle instead.

When I reached the top, I was relieved to find out I was the only one up here. Good—I didn’t want to run into Levi just yet. It would be too awkward, to be seen in the same spot Isabel and Furlan once sat in. With a sigh, I perched myself on the edge of the roof and gazed up toward the stars above.

I roamed the skies for the brightest star and smiled when I finally found it. I still believed it was Dad, watching over me. My chest hurt as I realized it had been nearly three years since he had passed away. Still, after all this time, the pain hadn’t lessened one bit.

Hopefully, he was watching over Ma, Leyna, and Ben, as well.

|~|

_When my siblings and I were eight years old, we enjoyed climbing the two trees outside of our home, especially in autumn, when the leaves were all kinds of bright colors. Ben always made it higher than me and Leyna, since he was bigger than us. He tried to get us to follow him, but I was scared of heights, and Leyna didn’t want to get her dress dirty. So he was left alone as he scaled up to the top of the tree._

_He suddenly gasped, pointing out into the distance. “A wagon’s coming! And it looks like Dad’s with it!”_

_Leyna’s eyes lit up, and a happy smile broke out on my face. Dad was finally home? It was about time! It had been too long since I’d seen him._

_I raced inside our home and straight into the kitchen, where Ma was leafing through an old leather book at the table. “Ma, Dad’s home! Ben just saw him—he’s on his way back!”_

_She was at my side in a flash, and the two of us joined Leyna and Ben outside the house. But as the wagon neared our tiny house at the corner of the Wall, I saw Ma’s smile vanish. Her hand flew to her face, and her eyes squeezed shut. I couldn’t understand why._

_Wasn’t she happy he was home? Why did she look like she was about to cry?_

_Two Scouts were in the front seat of the wagon, which was being pulled by two black horses, and Dad was sitting in the back. As he drew closer to us, I felt my stomach churn. In the back of the wagon, I could see a blanket draped over his legs, with dark red spots on the brown fabric. Something was wrong—I could tell by the sad way he waved to us. His face fell at the sight of Ma, who was silently crying into her palms by now._

_When the wagon stopped in front of us, he reached out to her. “Annika—”_

_“Don’t,” she snapped at him, yanking herself away from him. “I told you something like this would happen one day, but you didn’t listen. You never listen!” Her sobs grew stronger with each sentence she choked out._

_I swallowed the lump in my throat. I hated seeing my parents like this, angry or upset with each other. But why were they so sad? When I looked at Ben and Leyna, they appeared to be just as confused as I was._

_One of the Scouts in the front of the wagon lowered his head to Ma. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Wolf. We did our best, but he won’t be able to walk again. He’s lucky to be alive.”_

_Why couldn’t Dad walk anymore? Had he broken his leg? Did he have a serious injury on them? Surely he could walk again in a while if he tried, right?_

_The second Scout jumped off his seat on the wagon and moved around to help my father out. The blanket fell off of his legs; Ma tried her best to shield us, but I fought against her. I had to see my father—and find out why he suddenly couldn’t walk again._

_I felt like vomiting. No wonder they said he couldn’t walk again: he didn’t have legs anymore._

|~|

I squeezed my eyes shut at the memory. For the first few weeks since Dad had returned, I was afraid to go near him. All I could think of were the stumps that now pretended to be his legs, underneath the blanket of the bed he shared with Ma. Leyna and Ben went to visit him after a while, but I was still scared.

Even now, I couldn’t understand why. He was still the same Dad I knew before he lost his legs, and beside that, everything else about him was the same. His smile, his laugh, his eyes—all of the things I loved about him were still there. Eventually, I found myself wandering into his and Ma’s room, and soon enough, I was sitting at his side, telling him about the games Leyna and Ben and I had played earlier.

My head shot up when the sound of footsteps reached my ears. I curled myself up in a ball as they grew louder, and soon, I could sense someone standing at the top of the staircase. I knew _exactly_ who it was.

“Uh…I can leave, if you want me to.”

“No, it’s fine.” Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Levi sit on the edge beside me, a good bit of distance between us. “Do what you want.”

An awkward silence enveloped us. I chewed on my lip, playing with the sleeves of my shirt, dragging them up and down. When I stole a glance at Levi, I realized he was still dressed in his uniform, jacket and all. Tied around his neck was a white cravat; I barely even noticed it sometimes because it was covered by the green cloak he wore.

 _Should I say something?_ I didn’t want to force him to talk to me, but I didn’t want to ignore him, either. I still felt lonely after remembering Dad a few moments earlier, so I was in need of some comfort. But I didn’t exactly expect it to come from Levi. So instead, the two of us continued to sit in silence, taking turns staring up at the sky and down toward the base below us.

“Mia.”

I nearly fell off the edge of the roof. _Did he really just say that? Did my name just leave his mouth?_ Throughout the months we’d known each other, so far, he had never addressed me by my first name—it was always “Wolf” with him, when he wasn’t calling me a brat. For some reason, he really liked to use that word to describe me. At least it was better than his “shitty glasses” nickname for Hanji.

“Um, yeah?” I swallowed my fear and turned to face him; I was startled when I saw that he was already looking at me.

“I never mentioned it before, but I appreciate you giving me…Isabel’s necklace.” His voice was soft but sure, and my face warmed as he only continued: “You could have kept it for yourself, but you didn’t.”

I shook my head, giving him a small smile. “It wouldn’t have been right for me to keep it. She said you’d given it to her—you had more of a claim to it than I did. Besides, you knew her better than I ever did.”

I was honored that he was thanking me for giving it back to him, but like I said, he was more entitled to it than I was. He deserved to have the last piece of his friends from his life in the Underground. It wasn’t right for me to keep it for my own selfish gain. If it made him happy, and if it helped him with his grief, I was happy to oblige.

He nodded, his eyes tracing up to the stars in the sky. With a tight swallow, I wondered if he believed the brightest stars were Isabel and Furlan. I wondered if they were like Dad, if they were watching over Levi and protecting him from above. I hoped that was the case.

“Do you…do you come here often?” I asked, turning back to him.

He kept his eyes glued forward, but I could see his throat tighten at my question. “Sometimes,” he answered softly.

He seemed to be more relaxed when I talked to him, so I continued: “I started sitting up here about a year ago after…something happened. I find it comforting, especially when I can’t sleep. I don’t know why; I just feel better when I’m closer to the sky.”

A small grunt was the only answer I was met with, but it was enough. I took another look at him, smiling when I saw his eyes still lingering on the dark sky. It was comforting, having someone else with me to admire the quiet night. Hanji would join me sometimes, but she often wore herself out and resorted to whining about how tired she was. Levi only spoke a few words here and there, opting to admire the night along with me instead of making conversation. And honestly, I preferred this over constantly talking.

The two of us continued to sit in silence, watching the clouds ghost over the pale white moon. It was only half full tonight, and it had lost its golden hue over the past few months.

As I sat next to Levi, I let my mind wander to my brother and sister. Before an expedition, I always found myself thinking of them, wondering if the last time I’d seen them would be the last memory I had of them. I remembered Ben’s tight bear hug he gave me before I left, and Leyna’s comforting arm over me as I struggled to fall asleep. Although we didn’t always show it, we still cared about each other deeply. I couldn’t imagine life without them.

I looked back at Levi, who was now staring at me. As I met his gray eyes, I felt my chest tighten up at the thought of Isabel and Furlan. To him, they had been his Leyna and Ben—and how he was alone in the world without them. Even though it had been months since they’d died, judging by how close the three of them appeared to be, it would take much more time for him to get over their deaths. It had been only three years since my father had passed away, and the pain of losing him was still raw whenever I thought of him.

A drop of water suddenly landed on my knee. When I looked up at the sky, another drop landed right on my nose. I twitched it like a cat, rubbing it off my skin.

Levi stretched out a hand, grimacing as another drop splashed on his skin. “Damn it. Let’s hope it stops raining when we head out tomorrow morning.”

The two of us stood up and headed back to the staircase. Just as we headed back inside, the rain began to pick up, and soon enough, it was pounding on the roof of the castle. Leyna had once asked our mother why it rained in the first place, and she replied it was simply because the stars—the spirits of the dead in the sky—were shedding tears of joy. Sometimes they were so happy watching over the ones they loved that their emotions got the best of them, and they started crying because they couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Was Dad crying right now? Were Isabel and Furlan doing the same? Whose tears had fallen this time?

I still wasn’t ready to return to the girls’ barracks, especially in this weather. With a sigh, I settled down in the hallway near the staircase; I frowned when Levi sat down across from me, but I didn’t object.

He still wanted to spend time with me. I couldn’t believe it.

As we sat there, listening to the rain, I began to grow sleepy. It was reassuring to know someone was here watching over me. My eyelids started to droop, and my head hung low. More than once, I accidentally jolted myself awake.

“Tch, go to sleep, brat. You’re exhausted.”

“No, I’m—” I was cut off by my own yawn, which nearly split my head in half. I groaned, leaning my head against the wall and staring up at the dark ceiling above us. “I can stay awake for a little longer.”

“Sure you can,” he replied sarcastically. “You need your energy for tomorrow. I’m sure as shit not going to keep saving your ass out there.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that. He didn’t even know I was out there when he tore apart the Abnormal that had butchered our squad. But if that’s what he wanted to think, he was free to do so.

“I’ll be fine out there.” But I still shifted on the floor, laying on my side. Using my arm as a pillow, I tried my best to get comfortable. If I was going to stay out here until the rain stopped, I could catch an hour or two of sleep. Besides, Hanji’s snores would definitely keep me awake if I went to the girls’ barracks right now. “Good night, Levi.”

Before I knew it, I was out cold. But just as I felt myself slip away, I heard a quiet voice respond, “See you in the morning, brat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi and Mia are slowly getting used to each other, and she's slowly beginning to trust him. Of course, they're going to have to overcome a few trials before they get totally comfortable with each other. It takes time, and I'm trying my best not to rush it. 
> 
> (And Hanji - oh sweet, sweet Hanji - she just wants her friend to be happy. There are 2 SnK/AoT characters I relate to the most, and they are Hanji and Armin. They're simply too precious for this world.) :)
> 
> Just a side note: Mia's weird adrenaline rushes will be brought up later on in this story, as well as the following volumes (I plan on having a total of 3). Don't worry, I plan on explaining them! 
> 
> Thank you all for reading! Let me know what you think! :)


	11. Chapter 11

|XI|

“Attention, Scouts! The 26th Expedition beyond the Walls is about to commence!”

Every Scout’s eyes were glued to Commander Shadis’ form ahead of the charge. Behind him were Erwin, Hanji, and Mike with their respective squads. Levi and I were side by side, directly behind them. Both Edel and his own mare snorted and pawed at the ground; they both wanted to get a move on.

Levi had woken me up right before sunrise, telling me it was time to get ready. It was embarrassing that he had to wake me up, especially since I’d only planned to sleep an hour or so, but it was nice to know he had stayed out with me all night. Had he gone to sleep at all last night? Or did he simply watch over me?

I’d have to ask him about it later.

“Show the Titans your strength! Show them the strength of humanity! Show them that they are not the hunters—we are!”

The Scouts around us cheered, just like before. While I joined them and raised my fist in the air, Levi stayed silent, as usual. He wasn’t one to show his support around others, it seemed.

“Scouts, move out!”

The soldiers in front of us began charging out toward the gate, which had been opened by the Garrison soldiers on the Wall. Before I joined the soldiers in front of me, I gazed up at the Wall, smiling as I saw Ben waving down at me. A sense of hope burst inside my chest, and with a victory cheer, I kicked Edel up, and the two of us raced after our fellow Scouts.

The moment we stepped outside the Walls, I breathed in the crisp open air. But I didn’t have much time to admire the atmosphere; I directed Edel to the center-right, joining some of the relay squads. Up ahead, I could see the veteran soldiers hanging around at the edge of the formation, their eyes peeled for oncoming Titans. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Levi near me, his black mare snorting heavily.

Luckily, the rain had stopped in the middle of the night, but the clouds were still in the sky. Hopefully it could hold off until we got back to Shiganshina.

The Scouts on the relay squads around us began to spread out, some by themselves and some in pairs. When I looked back, I was surprised to see Levi lingering nearby, his eyes catching mine for a split second. I was honored he wanted to stay behind with me, but I couldn’t ponder over it for too long. As I urged Edel on, I willed the blush on my face to fade away.

Why was I like this? Why did I suddenly feel the need to blush whenever Levi was around? Had Hanji’s accusations sparked something inside of me? Was there some truth to her words?

I shook my head. I couldn’t think about that now. I had to focus on the mission.

Soon enough, I could only see a handful of Scouts on the edge of the formation. Other than that, Levi and I were on our own. The bag with my signal flare and smoke colors thumped against my knee. Hopefully it would be a while until I needed to use it.

But I had spoken too soon. A Titan was charging toward us from the front, its arms swaying from side to side. As the soldiers up ahead began running toward it, I retrieved the flare from my bag and clipped the red canister to it. I raised my arm and pulled the trigger; soon enough, the soldiers on my right began to relay the message to their nearest comrades.

Thankfully, the two soldiers ahead—Charles and Elias—brought the Titan down with little to no trouble, with Elias dealing the killing blow. It wasn’t long before they regrouped with us, their blades sheathed back in their holsters.

We continued to gallop for a few more minutes, keeping our eyes peeled for any other Titans that happened to come near us. Charles and Elias lingered behind us, to keep watch for any Titans coming from the rear. Meanwhile, Levi and I urged our horses forward.

A few more minutes had passed, and it wasn’t long before I began to grow antsy. The flare gun grew sweaty in my palm as I clutched it tightly, my eyes glued to the trees on my left. It had been too long since we’d either seen a smoke signal or a Titan, ever since Charles and Elias took down the first one.

“I don’t like this,” I muttered, more to myself than Levi. “Too much time has passed since we’ve seen a Titan.” Something was up, but I didn’t know what. I couldn’t shake the ominous feeling that settled in my chest.

The woods on our left soon came to an end, and we reached a river with a small bridge arching over it. The two of us crossed it effortlessly, the sound of our horses’ hooves pounding against the aging wood.

Suddenly, a huge shadow towered over my own. With a gulp, I stole a glance up, and my stomach churned when I saw a Titan charging toward us. I barely had time to swerve Edel to the side to meet it halfway, before it could come any closer to the formation. Just as I stood up in my saddle, I heard Levi shoot off a flare from his own gun.

I sprung myself up and into the air, dodging the Titan’s constant swipes at me. With a cry, I angled myself around to the back of its neck, bringing my blades down on its skin. The nape flew out, and the Titan fell to the ground with a thud. With a heavy sigh, I lowered myself back down near Edel, who had galloped back over to me.

“Good boy.” He never shied away from the action; he was always there when I needed him, no matter how dangerous the situation was.

I holstered my blades and scratched his mane before climbing back onto the saddle. I jerked the reins back and kicked up my heels, and the two of us raced back to Levi, who had circled ahead to provide any backup.

When I reached his side, he gave me the tiniest of nods, and the two of us began galloping off again. “Not bad.” Well, I wasn’t expecting a compliment, but I’ll take it. “Those soldiers on the edge should have sent a flare to warn us, though. How did it manage to get past them?”

“Maybe they couldn’t warn us in time. Maybe…” I swallowed the lump that had lodged itself in my throat. “Maybe they were wiped out.”

“I didn’t see any blood on its mouth.”

“…Neither did I.”

Now that he mentioned it, it did strike me as strange. If that Titan hadn’t killed them, who had? Were there more Titans behind it? Were they on their way here now?

A flare gun suddenly exploded behind us; when our heads swerved to glance behind our shoulders, I felt my stomach dropped. Black smoke trickled out of Charles’ flare gun as Elias leaped from his horse. Behind them were at least four Titans, running toward us at lightning speed.

“Keep going!” Charles screamed, readying his blades. “Relay the message! Let the Commander know!”

But Levi didn’t follow orders that well. He tore himself from my side and began running toward the soldiers, who were now in the air with their wires jammed into two of the Titans.

“Levi, wait!” I dug my heel into Edel’s side hard, yanking the reins and circling him around. I couldn’t let him fight them alone.

_No matter how good you may think you are, you’re still in as much danger as the newest recruits._

As I drew closer to the Titans, I jumped into the air and drew my blades. Levi was already soaring toward the nearest Titan, holding one of his blades backwards. He managed to bring it down just as I inched closer to the closest Titan, which was swiping at Elias. As the Titan was distracted, I sliced its nape, and the chunk of flesh fell to the ground. White smoke spilled out of its wound, and its eyes rolled back as it sank to its knees and stomach.

Meanwhile, the other two Titans were taken out, courtesy of Levi and Charles. But just as the four of us landed back on the ground, a horde of Titans could be seen in the distance, slowly lumbering toward us.

“Damn it,” Charles grumbled, shooting another red flare into the air. “We have to keep moving. We can’t risk it. Move, soldiers!”

The four of us mounted our horses again and began galloping away once more. This time, Elias and Charles lead us from the front, while Levi and I followed them from behind. All I could think of was the group of Titans advancing on us from behind. Even though they were moving at a slower pace than some of the other Titans we had encountered earlier today, they could appear behind us at any moment. That was the terrifying part of it—you never knew when they could pop up behind you.

“If Titans are pouring in from the right flank,” Elias started, “it looks like the squads there may have been wiped out. I’ll go alert the Commander. The rest of you, keep moving! Avoid contact with them at all costs.” His horse snorted as he yanked him toward the right, racing ahead toward the center of the formation.

The three of us kept running ahead, with Charles looking out into the distance. A forest was laid out in front of us, but we didn’t try to avoid it. It was a perfect environment in case we needed to engage our ODM gear.

As we entered the forest, the branches above us blocked out the sunlight. It unnerved me that we could already see the end of the forest; it was too short for my liking. We were only given protection for a certain amount of time.

Just as the three of us headed back out into the sunlight, a large meaty hand came swinging toward us. I jerked on the reins sharply, forcing Edel to run to the right. I heard Levi’s mare whinny harshly as she skidded on the ground, tossing Levi from her back. He curled himself into a ball and recovered quickly, though, and his mare managed to stand up on her hooves in a few seconds.

A scream burst through the air, and when I looked back, I saw Charles grasped in the huge Titan’s hand. But before I could jump in the air, he was shoved into the Titan’s mouth, its teeth sinking into his torso.

“No!”

The Titan’s nape suddenly flew out from its neck, and Levi swung himself back to the ground, his blades glistening in the pale sunlight. The Titan fell on its back, with Charles still stuck in its maw. I was on the ground in a flash, racing over to him and yanking him from the Titan’s jaws. I grimaced as blood swelled from the large bite mark in his abdomen.

“Come on, Charles, stay with us.” I sat him up against the Titan’s steaming body, leaning forward and pressing my hands against his torso to stop the bleeding. But the blood kept flowing, and his eyelids were drooping. I needed to bandage him up now. “Levi, get the bag on Edel’s saddle—now!”

Since I had taken up my medical training again, I carried a small saddlebag with bandages, extra water, and other medical supplies, just in case I needed to heal someone up. It had come in handy for the last few expeditions, when I had wrapped up Anna’s leg after she fell from her horse a couple months ago. I wasn’t an expert, but I felt better knowing I had some supplies with me.

Levi was at my side a moment later, with the saddlebag in his hand. I grabbed it and dug out a roll of bandages, ripping out a lengthy amount. “Put pressure on the wound.” He didn’t complain or resist; he simply kneeled down across from me, on Charles’ other side, and pushed his hands on his torso.

Meanwhile, Charles’ breathing was growing shallow. I had to keep him talking and thinking; if he closed his eyes, there was a good chance he wouldn’t wake up again. And I couldn’t lose him, like I lost so many others.

“Come on, you got to hang in there.” I struggled to keep my voice strong as I started wrapping the bandages around his torso. Every time I passed Levi’s hands, he let up a little bit of pressure, just so I could sneak the bandages underneath him. “Think of Anna. You have to come back to her, right? You can’t leave her alone.”

His green eyes, which were now glazed over, met mine as he slowly turned his head toward me. It looked like Anna’s name had stirred something inside of him. He wouldn’t give up fighting.

“Anna’s waiting for you at the center of the formation, Charles. You have to see her again, right? So come on, stay with us. You’re going to make it back to her, alright?”

Although his torso was covered in bandages, now stained in red, the blood was still pouring out of him. My throat tightened as I watched the red liquid bubble up at the center of his stomach. I couldn’t stop the blood flow; it appeared the wound ran too deep for bandages to fix. And with the way he was currently leaning against the Titan, it looked like he wouldn’t be able to make it back to base.

“No, Charles, don’t die on me.” My voice was sharp as his head sank back, and his eyes fluttered shut. “Don’t die on Anna. Come on, you have to fight it!”

But I knew it was useless. He was too weak to continue fighting. And when his breathing suddenly stopped, and his stomach quit rising and falling under mine and Levi’s hands, my worst fears were confirmed. He was gone.

I did my best to fight the tears that gathered in my eyes. I kept staring at his face, expecting his green eyes to open up again. But no matter how hard I looked at him, I knew he wouldn’t be coming back.

“Damn it.” I squeezed my eyes shut, my hand curling into a fist on his bandaged torso. The blood was still ebbing out, even though his heart had ceased to beat.

I knew we had to leave him out there. We couldn’t carry his body back to base; Edel wasn’t strong enough to carry so much weight at a time, and there was no doubt Levi’s mare was injured from her fall. As much as I wanted to bring him back to the rest of the Scouts—to Anna—I knew it wasn’t possible.

A warm weight closed over my hand; when I opened my eyes, I saw Levi reaching over, resting his own hand, which was caked with Charles’ blood, on my own. “We can’t stay out here too long—there may be more of them. We have to keep moving.”

I sniffled, rubbing my sleeve against my eyes. I couldn’t cry in front of him, not now. “I know.” I reached over and squeezed Charles’ shoulder before standing up, keeping my eyes trained on him. Levi stood up, as well, and headed back to our horses. Both his mare and Edel were grazing on the grass beneath them, completely unaware of what just transpired between us.

After clipping the medical supplies bag back on the saddle, I climbed on Edel’s back and gathered up the reins again. Levi did the same with his own mare, giving me a look over his shoulder. When I nodded to him, the two of us took off and continued on with the formation. We still had a mission to complete.

|~|

It was late in the afternoon when the Scouts regrouped and started heading back toward Shiganshina. Nearly every single soldier bore some kind of bandage, either to cover an injury on their face, their leg, or their arm. One soldier, a veteran by the looks of him, had his whole lower face wrapped up in blood-stained bandages. I was terrified to ponder over what his face looked like underneath them, so I just kept my eyes away from him.

Anna had stayed silent when I told her about Charles’ death, but I could see the storm in her eyes. She was devastated, but she would hold herself together until we got back to our base within Wall Rose. As I watched her lead her brown horse behind her Squad Leader, guilt began swirling in my stomach.

_Stop it. You did all you could to keep Charles alive. He just had internal bleeding that no one could really stop, especially with the limited supplies I had._

I was still on Edel’s back, following Hanji and her squad (thankfully, none of them had perished). The same couldn’t be said for the rest of our ranks, though. Roughly a hundred soldiers from our ranks had headed out this morning, and now, there were only twenty of us. Commander Shadis walked in the front of our formation, looking absolutely spent from the trek. No one tried to talk to him; we all knew when to leave him alone with his thoughts.

Levi was still at my side, riding his black mare. The poor horse had a deep gash on her flank where she’d fallen earlier, when Charles had been grabbed by the Titan, but I had tried my best to tape it up with bandages. Out in the field, our horses’ lives were just as important as our soldiers’—without them, we were useless against the Titans.

Finally, we reached the outer gate of Shiganshina, and we could hear the Garrison soldiers yelling to each other from up above. Once the gate rose up, we stepped inside, slowly making our way through the streets of Shiganshina.

Lines of people were gathered on each side of the streets. While some of them looked sympathetic, others simply crossed their arms and shook their heads. Although they spoke in hushed voices, I could still hear the comments that passed through their lips.

“Are these the only ones who made it back?”

“Looks like it. Everyone else must’ve gotten eaten.”

“But there were over a hundred this morning!”

“Must’ve been anther massacre.”

Suddenly, a feminine cry split through the air, and an elderly woman with graying hair stepped forward. She clutched the red shawl she wore over her shoulders tightly as her eyes scanned the collection of soldiers before her. With a whimper, she stepped forward, directly in front of Commander Shadis, and the Scouts were forced to halt in their tracks. With a tight smile, I recognized the face of one of our dead Scouts in her motherly face.

“Excuse me…I don’t see my son anywhere… Where’s Moses, sir? Where’s my son?!”

As she clutched the front of Shadis’ cloak in her frail wrinkled hands, our Commander glanced at the soldiers closest to him. “Moses’ mother. Give it to her.”

The soldier flinched before reaching into the wagon closest to him. He retrieved a small bundle wrapped in torn cloth and bandages; my stomach flipped at the sight of it. I already knew what it was.

I could only watch in sadness as the soldier handed the parcel to Moses’ mother. She stared at him with wide brown eyes before taking it in her hands. With a trembling hand, she slowly unwrapped the bundle. When enough of the cloth was removed, a severed arm could be seen.

“That was all we could retrieve of him.”

The elderly woman clutched the arm close to her chest, letting out a heart-wrenching wail. She sank to her knees, tears flowing from her eyes as she hugged the only piece of her son she had left. Shadis knelt down in front of her; I could only imagine the anguish in his eyes. He hated seeing family members break down when they learned of their loved ones’ deaths at the hands of the Titans.

Through her sniffles, Moses’ mother managed to choke out, “But he…he was useful, wasn’t he? Even if he didn’t achieve anything directly…surely his death brought humanity one step closer to beating them back, right?!”

The entire district fell silent, as the citizens waited for Shadis’ response. Everyone within the Walls had wondered this at some point or another—especially a handful of Scouts—but no one had voiced it aloud. Sometimes, even I found myself wondering whether or not the Scouts were making a difference.

“…Of course,” Shadis answered, his voice strained. I flinched at his tone; it sounded like he would break at any moment. He was forcing himself to answer her.

But suddenly, his shoulders tensed up, and he hung his head low. By the way he trembled, he appeared to be holding back tears. It hurt to see my Commander in such a state—in the eight years he had been in charge of our ranks, he had never lost his grip on his emotions.

“No,” he finally spoke, and Moses’ mother’s face fell at his confession. “This time—no, on all of our other missions…we achieved nothing! Nothing at all! Because of my incompetence, all I did was get my soldiers killed! We didn’t get any closer to finding out what those things really are!”

Uneasy looks passed between the Scouts around me. I stole a glance at Anna, who wiped her nose with the sleeve of her jacket. I swallowed hard before turning back to Levi; however, he didn’t meet my eyes. To be honest, I couldn’t blame him. I would break down if I gazed into his eyes.

A few more moments had passed, and eventually, Moses’ mother had slunk back into the crowd, still holding her son’s severed arm close to her. With a heavy sigh, Shadis finally stood up and began walking down the street again. Slowly, the other Scouts followed after him, and we tried our best to ignore the sympathetic and condescending looks of the civilians around us.

|~|

By the time we reached our base, everyone longed for sleep, but I knew none of them would be closing their eyes any time soon. All they would see were our dead comrades and our Commander sinking to his knees in the middle of Shiganshina. No one was in a hurry to go to sleep, and honestly, I couldn’t blame them.

The Scouts broke up upon arriving at the castle, with the majority of them rushing to the medical wing. With a tight swallow, I gazed at my hands, where Charles’ blood had dried on my palms. I had to wash it off in the river, but some part of me told me it wouldn’t be fading any time soon.

I dragged Edel back to his stall to untack him. Once his saddle was off, his coat was brushed, and his hooves were cleaned, I left his bridle on and led him back outside. I walked him over to the small pond at the corner of our base. He snorted and leaned down to take a well-deserved drink; at the same time, I did my best to wash off the blood on my hands.

My ODM gear was still strapped on me, but I only had four of my eight blades left in my holsters. I would take it off after Edel was all settled in his stall; his needs came before mine, just as always.

A sharp neigh in the distance caused Edel to yank his head up; I grabbed his reins before he decided to bolt, hushing him and brushing my hands against his neck. Once he was calmed down, I glared into the distance, where a lone rider was making his way up to our base.

My forehead creased in confusion. Who was it? Was the Commander expecting someone to visit the base? Had we accidentally left a Scout behind? As we left Shiganshina, I was certain all twenty of us were together.

But as the rider neared the castle, I could see the twin roses sewed onto his jacket—the symbol of the Garrison. His hair was plastered against his forehead with sweat, and he was breathing heavily. His horse was in no better condition.

“Shiganshina has fallen! The Titans are in Wall Maria!”

The handful of Scouts around the front of the castle froze at the newcomer’s words. Faces fell, and eyes darkened. Some of them let out cries and gasps; others simply burst into tears. Other stayed silent, while one or two of them fell to their knees on the ground.

And me? I was paralyzed; I couldn’t move my arms or legs, even if I wanted to. I barely felt Edel’s reins tug in my hand.

No, I couldn’t have heard that right. Shiganshina was an outlier district, but it had stood for over a hundred years. It wouldn’t just fall to the Titans like that; the Walls weren’t even that old! They showed no signs of crumbling or breaking down, and they were taller than any Titan out there. They were strong—strong enough to protect its citizens.

The citizens— _Oh God, Ma and Ben._

Ma was still at home, closest to the outer Wall. And Ben was stationed at the top, watching over for any Titans.

I had to get to them.

As the newcomer hastily dismounted and rushed inside the castle, I threw Edel’s reins back over his head. I didn’t have enough time to saddle him back up, so I had to ride bareback. I had done it more than a few times, but only in emergencies. This qualified as an emergency.

“Mia, wait!” Just as I settled myself on Edel’s back, Hanji exited the medical wing, waving after me. “It’s too dangerous!”

But I had already made up my mind. I flapped the reins and kicked Edel in the sides. With a grunt, the two of us sped off in the direction of Shiganshina.

_Hold on, guys. I’m coming!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter, but the first part of the double update! The next chapter will explore the immediate aftermath of the fall, as Mia searches for her mother and brother. Personally, I hope both of these chapters turned out well. I was a little hesitant to post them. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's read so far! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I hope you like the next one, as well!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second part of the double update! I don't want to give anything away, so I'll save my comments for the very end!

|XII|

Riding bareback was never a favorite hobby of mine, but I only did it when necessary. Once on an expedition in 839, I had to cut Edel’s saddle off in order to heal a deep wound in his flank. When I had dressed it, I had to ride bareback back to the old Survey Corps base outside of Wall Maria. The two of us managed to make it back alive, but the muscles in my legs and back were incredibly sore afterwards.

Now, I felt that familiar pain in my back, especially as I leaned forward to hold Edel’s reins and urge him on. He snorted heavily and threw his head back; he wasn’t used to having me on his back without a saddle between us. But he was still a good boy, and he didn’t fight against me.

Our base was located between Karanes and Trost, so it didn’t take me too long to arrive at Trost. The two of us ran through the district, which was already flooding with horrified people. Men, women, and children ran around frantically, crying about the invasion of Shiganshina and Wall Maria. It was an absolute mess, and the Garrison soldiers tried their best to rein them in and calm them down.

If it was this bad in Trost, I couldn’t imagine what Shiganshina looked like.

I made it out of Trost with Edel, and once we were within Wall Maria, the two of us surged forward again. I urged him to go faster; if any horse could reach Shiganshina in record time, it was Edel. He complied, picking up the pace as the muscles in his shoulders rippled underneath his silver skin.

As we drew closer to my home district, I ran a list of the supplies I had with me through my mind. I had four blades with me, which could last quite a few Titan kills, if I was careful enough with them, and the gas in my canisters was roughly half full. I no longer had my medical bag with me, since I’d kept it strapped on Edel’s saddle, which was now resting in his stall. I was still wearing my green cloak, so if worse came to worst, I could use that as a tourniquet if I happened to injure myself.

But I knew I wouldn’t. I would charge in there, find Ma and Ben, and fight off those Titans that had decided to threaten our home. That soil didn’t deserved to be tarnished by the Titans; it was _humanity’s_ territory, not theirs. We had a right to it, they didn’t.

Soon, I could see the inner gate of Shiganshina in the distance, shining in the late evening sun. We were almost there.

But I could already spot a handful of Titans lingering outside the gate. I swallowed hard, but I forced myself to keep Edel charging forward. The Garrison soldier wasn’t lying: the Titans _had_ made it into the Walls. It was only a matter of time before they reached Trost and Wall Rose.

Thankfully, the Titans were slower than the ones we’d fought earlier on our expedition, and by the time they even noticed me riding by, I was already out of their grasp. Edel and I made it inside the newly-created hole in the gate, and I readied my blades in my hands. Once we were inside, I jumped off of Edel and turned him back to the gate, smacking his backside roughly. He jolted and ran outside the gate; he didn’t belong in here anyway. I knew the Titans would leave him alone (they never went for animals like they did with humans), and when he stopped running, he would realize I was no longer with him, and he would return and wait for me. But Shiganshina was no place for him, especially with civilians running around in terror.

I launched myself up onto the roof of the nearest house and inspected the area around me. The inner gate had been shattered—I could only imagine what could be powerful enough to demolish it. Titans were swarming the streets the Scouts had walked through just recently, scouring the area for humans to eat. When I gazed at the outer gate, I saw a huge hole embedded in it, and some of the nearby houses had been crushed underneath the chunks of the Wall.

What had happened here? What had caused this?

But I couldn’t ponder over it for too long. I had work to do. I jumped from roof to roof, trying to conserve the limited gas in my canisters, and made my way toward the house my mother lived in.

I was thankful to see it still standing, but it was too close to the hole in the outer gate for my liking. Already, two Titans lingered outside, their mouths stained with blood.

_Oh God, don’t tell me—_

I let out a grunt as I shot my wires into the necks of one of the Titans. With a burst of speed, I sliced its nape out, and I jumped to the next Titan without a second to waste. Once both of them were on the ground and steaming, with chunks of their necks torn out, I made my way into my house.

“Ma! Ma, where are you? Are you okay?!”

But I didn’t hear an answer. I ran through our home, my eyes peeled for my mother, but I couldn’t see her. Everything was neat and tidy, just as I’d left it months before, but Ma was nowhere to be seen.

Where could she be? There was no blood on the ground around our house, so I knew neither of the Titans I’d taken out had gotten to her. But then where was she? Had she run away once the Titans had invaded the city? Had another Titan picked her off?

My stomach churned at the thought. No, I couldn’t think like that. I had to believe she’d made it out safely.

Heavy footsteps thundered outside the house, and when I peered out the window, I saw another Titan crawling through the hole of the outer gate. I gripped my blades even tighter.

Damn bastards.

I ran outside and propelled myself back on the roof of my house. Before the Titan even knew I was behind it, I dragged my blades across its neck, sending it to the ground on its knees. I landed on the next rooftop, vibrations racing up my arms and legs.

When I stood up, I assessed the area around me. There were seven Titans ahead, and another five to my right. The left was the only direction I could go in, since there were only two Titans nearby. I started jumping from roof to roof, dodging the swinging heads of the Titans closest to me.

“Mia!”

I halted instantly at the familiar voice. I swung myself around, just in time to see my brother use his ODM gear to scale down the outer Wall. When he landed on the rooftop I was currently on, he started running toward me. I sheathed my blades and met him halfway, wrapping my arms around his neck tightly.

“Thank the Walls you’re safe.” I felt the tears start dripping down my face as I buried my face in the crook of his shoulder and neck. “Do you know where Ma is?”

“She’s on the boat—Blaise got her on in time. They’re evacuating the city to Trost.” When he pulled away from me, I was startled to see a fierce glare on his face. “What are you doing here? Didn’t you leave hours ago?”

“Yeah, but one of the Garrison soldiers came by and told us Shiganshina had fallen. I didn’t want to leave you guys alone, so I came back here.”

He fought back his own wave of tears as he pulled me into another tight hug. “You’re such an idiot,” he muttered against my red-brown hair. “You know that, right? Don’t worry about us, we’ve got this.”

“Sure,” I replied, my voice coming out in a sob. I hugged him back, smiling as I felt his heart thundering against my chest.

But we couldn’t stay together for too long. The Titans were gathering around us, their arms outstretched and their teeth bared. When we broke apart from each other, we continued running and hopping from roof to roof, evading the Titans with every lunge.

“How did this even happen?”

“A huge Titan appeared in front of the Wall,” he answered rapidly. “It was so strange—there was this flash of lightning, and then it was just there. It was taller than the Wall and covered in muscle. It kicked a hole into the gate and then disappeared. That’s when the Titans started coming in.”

We landed on the next rooftop with ease. “And the inner gate? Did it make that hole, too?”

“No, that was a different one. That one had weird armor plates on its body, and it ran so fast we could barely keep up with it.” His voice started to tremble; if I had to guess, some of his friends had been at the gate when the Titan burst through it. I didn’t push the subject after that.

By now, the two of us had made it to the center of the district. We couldn’t move any further without encountering Titans, so we held our blades out and prepared to strike. As he headed to the right, I went for the left, and we both took out the Titans on our side. Civilians were still running from home to home, trying to dodge the Titans’ grasp. I brought my blades down on the nape of a Titan reaching out for a screaming woman; when it fell to the ground, she continued to run away, hiding from the oncoming monsters.

I met Ben on the roof of a nearby house after the nearby Titans had been destroyed. The edges of my blades had been blunted, and they were close to breaking. With an annoyed grunt, I discarded the blades onto the ground and attached the new ones on the handles. Ben did the same next to me; he was down to his last pair of blades, as well. Titan blood was steaming from the side of his neck, and he rubbed his hand against his skin, wincing at the pain.

“This stuff burns like crazy,” he muttered, scratching at it. I nodded in silence; I knew the feeling all too well. With too many expeditions under my belt, I had grown used to the sense of Titan blood splattered on my skin.

I stole a glance at the outer gate, and my stomach dropped to my boots when I saw a handful of Titans pouring in. On top of that, the Titans further away from us were slowly making their way around the city, their eyes glued on us. If we weren’t careful, we would be surrounded.

“Come on, we have to move.” My brother nodded at my words, and the two of us were off again. We split up from each other to take out the Titans around us, tearing out their napes and watching them fall to the ground. By now, the citizens had all but evacuated the city, and the same could be said for the Garrison soldiers. As far as I knew, Ben was the only one still fighting the Titans.

But no matter how many Titans we took out, they just kept coming. Thankfully, we hadn’t run into any Abnormals, but I didn’t want to jinx it. They kept flooding in through the hole in the outer gate, like they were spawning by the minute. Even though we tried our best, we wouldn’t be able to take them all out by ourselves.

Soon enough, we would just be stuck in the middle of the district, with nothing but empty canisters and broken blades to defend ourselves against the Titans. The majority of the citizens, including our mother, had made it out of the city, so we had no reason to stay behind. We would just be killing ourselves if we did, at this point.

“It’s useless,” Ben growled, landing beside me on the roof of a broken house. “They just keep coming. We have to get out of here; we don’t want to get caught here.”

“No, we don’t.” My last pair of blades were starting to dull, and soon, they would be ineffective in taking out Titans. A quick glance at Ben’s blades told me his were in no better shape than mine.

Ben pointed one of his swords toward the right of the busted inner gate of Wall Maria. “Let’s go. We should be able to take out those four Titans and run the rest of the way. We should have enough gas to get us over the Wall. Do you have a horse?”

“Yeah, Edel should be outside.”

He rolled his eyes at the name of my horse. “Obviously. I’m not surprised you named him.” He stood back up, and I was quick to follow. “Ready?”

“Ready.”

We made a break for the Titans ahead toward the right, our blades held out and our wires embedding themselves in their necks. I managed to take one of them out in two seconds flat, with Ben cutting the other one down soon after. Then, we headed for the last pair, and we struck them down in only a few moments.

I landed on the rooftop of the next house with a sigh, my eyes meeting the dull ridges now carved into the sides of my blades. Both of them were nearly dull now, and soon they wouldn’t serve any good to take out anymore Titans. But still, it was a dangerous move to discard them right now, when we were still surrounded.

When I looked behind me to see where Ben had ended up, I almost let out a scream. His wire had been yanked by a fifth Titan—a shorter one we hadn’t spotted before—and he was slammed into the nearby wall. He groaned as his back hit the stone, his hand flying to the back of his head.

“Ben!”

I aimed for the Titan, swinging around and cutting out its nape. When it hit the ground, I landed and ran to my brother, who was sitting against the wall, still rubbing his head. When he pulled his hand away, I could see traces of blood on his first two fingers.

“Are you okay? Can you still run?”

He groaned, nodding his head up and down. “I’ll…I’ll be fine. I just need a minute. That was a hard…a hard hit,” he added, laughing weakly.

But we were still in danger. Already, I could hear the thundering footsteps of the nearby Titans. They were getting closer. “Well, you can rest up on the rooftop. It’s dangerous down here, so come on. Let’s move.”

He winced as he stood up, half leaning on me to keep himself upright. As I stared at him longer, I could feel my heart sinking. He was in no condition to run on the rooftops, much less use ODM gear to get himself up in the first place. I sheathed my blades and held him up, using an extra burst of gas from my canisters to propel the two of us up. Once we were on the rooftop, I leaned him against the chimney, and he sat himself back against the stone, still rubbing his head.

 _Damn it. He can’t run in this shape, and I don’t have enough gas to get us both to the gate._ It was still far away from our current position, and the longer we lingered here, even more Titans began lumbering in our path to safety.

What could I do?

“Mia,” Ben forced out, still holding the back of his skull, “I don’t think I can—”

“No, absolutely not,” I shut him down. I knew what he was about to ask me, and it scared me to death. “I’m not leaving you here to save myself. Nice try, but I refuse.”

I didn’t have the heart to leave a fellow soldier behind, especially if that fellow soldier happened to be my own flesh and blood. I wasn’t about to lose him by leaving him in Titan country. If I was leaving Shiganshina, he was coming with me.

“Come on,” he winced, “don’t say that. Save yourself, Mia—I’ll be fine here.”

“No, you won’t!” I nearly screamed at him. “I’m not leaving you here! We have to make it back to Ma and Leyna, okay? I’m not leaving my brother to die at the hands of the Titans.” I’d lost too many people to them already, directly and indirectly. I wasn’t about to scrawl another name on the long list of casualties.

Ben glared up at me, and I nearly choked when I realized he looked so much like Dad. He used to give me that same look whenever I’d disappointed him. And now, Ben appeared to have perfected that look. His amber eyes, so much like my own, gazed back into mine; along with our reddish-brown hair, we were the two kids in our family that took after our father, and Leyna served as the spitting image of our mother.

We were arguably closer to each other than we were to Leyna, especially considering all the times she attempted to parent us whenever Ma and Dad weren’t available. We played together in the yard of our home in Shiganshina and raced each other home whenever we walked back from school. When a plague had struck Shiganshina in 831, the two of us (being the only ones in our family who weren’t infected) had been sent to live with Aunt Sophia in Ehrmich District. During that time, we only had each other to lean on, and some of our fiercest trials had happened during that time. But through thick and thin, fire or rain, we were always there for each other.

I couldn’t imagine living my life knowing he was gone. I had already lost Dad; I wasn’t going to lose Ben, as well. I could only take so much grief in one lifetime.

“Mia.” I heard his voice getting softer and softer. He was losing energy—and consciousness. “Please, go. It’ll be okay.”

I turned away from him, unsheathing my blades from my holsters. “No. I’ll fight for you, Ben. You’re my brother, and I’m not going to leave you alone. I won’t have you die on my watch. I won’t leave you—I promise.”

By this time, the Titans had spotted us, and two of them started lumbering toward us. I readied my blades and wires, ignoring Ben’s cries from behind me. As the Titans drew closer to us, I leaped in the air and soared to their necks, carving out their napes. But just as the two of them fell to the ground, steam pouring out from their wounds, more Titans flooded forward.

I didn’t have much time to stop them. My blades were close to breaking, and Ben was getting sleepier by the minute.

I surged myself forward and took out the Titan closest to me. As it fell, I went for the next one, slicing out its nape, as well. I did the same with the next two, but as I neared the fifth one, upon cutting across the back of its neck, my blades shattered against its skin. The impact brought both me and the Titan down to the ground, and I was launched into the building across from the one Ben was currently on.

I hit the rooftop with a thud, groaning in pain as my back collided with the harsh red tiles. I glanced up at the handles of my swords; now, only a small blade was attached to one of them, and the other was broken down to the nub.

As I wobbled to my feet, I pulled the trigger on the sword handles, shooting my wires out toward the building with Ben. I pushed the gas buttons, but no gas came out of my canisters. No matter how many times I pushed the buttons, I stayed where I was.

_Oh, God, not now! Don’t tell me I’m out of gas now!_

I still had to get Ben to the inner gate. But how was I going to do that without any gas? I couldn’t exactly jump to the rooftop—it was too far away. I couldn’t get to it without gas, and as far as I knew, I was out of it.

Before I knew it, the Titans were swarming both me and Ben. I counted five so far, but there were even more behind them. They were advancing quickly; we didn’t have much time.

Suddenly, a powerful force knocked into me from the left side, and I was swiped off of the rooftop. I was flying through the air, away from my brother, with someone’s arm holding me up by my waist. When I glanced at my captor, my jaw dropped as I saw Levi, who kept his eyes trained ahead. He swung us through the houses, taking me away from Ben.

“No, wait, you’re going the wrong way! We have to save him!”

Even though I thrashed against him, he kept his tight hold on me. “There’s too many of them, and you’re in no condition to fight.”

“But he’s my brother!” Tears spilled out from my eyes as I looked back at Ben. I stretched an arm out for him, my heart beating faster as I realized the Titans were closing in on him. “Ben! Damn it, take me back! I can’t leave him!”

I could still see Ben on the rooftop, leaning back against the chimney. A Titan reached for him, curling its meaty fingers around his body. I kicked and writhed in Levi’s arms, but he kept a firm grip on me. All I could do was watch as my brother was lifted into the air and closer to the Titan’s gaping mouth.

“No! I promised I wouldn’t leave him! BEN!”

But my screams did nothing to help him. I could only stare in horror as my brother disappeared into the Titan’s mouth. Its teeth pressed down, and Ben exploded in a storm of blood.

I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the sight before me. All I could focus on was the Titan’s chin, where my brother’s blood was now dripping down. The Titan threw its head back and swallowed his remains.

_God, please no, please no! Not Ben! Not him! Take me instead, not him!_

Vomit began pooling in the pit of my stomach, and it wasn’t long before it burned in my throat. But I fought it down as hard as I could, squeezing my eyes shut.

My brother was gone—just like Dad. Like Rosalie, and Emmett, and Isabel and Furlan. Like Flagon, Sairam and Daisy. Like Charles, and the countless other Scouts we had lost on our expeditions beyond the Walls.

I made a promise I wouldn’t leave him, and I had failed to keep it. He was left alone to die in the jaws of a Titan. He was gone now—there weren’t even remnants of him that I could hold close to me, like Moses’ mother and her son’s severed arm. Every bit of Ben had been swallowed by the Titan.

As I thought of my brother, who was now nothing more than a stain of blood on that Titan’s chest and chin, anger boiled in the pit of my stomach. I could have saved him, if I had moved fast enough. If I had just conserved my gas, I could have gotten us both over the inner gate. If I hadn’t struck the Titans with such force, my blades would still be intact. If Levi hadn’t—

_Levi!_

“You…bastard!” I reeled my fist back and slammed it right into the side of his head, causing him to wince. “We could have saved him! We could have brought him with us! But you left him!”

I punched the side of his head again, feeling his arm loosen around me. I thrashed violently against him, eventually worming my way out of his grasp. The two of us fell on the rooftop of the house closest to the inner gate. But before I could stand up and run away, Levi was on me in a flash, my arms locked in his tight grip.

“Let me go, you bastard! You left him! You left him to die! He was my _brother_!”

He pushed himself against me, sending me back into the tiles of the rooftop. As my back hit the tiles, Levi towered above my body, with his knees on either side of my legs and his hands pinning my wrists beside my head. The familiarity of this position unlocked a tiny door I had forgotten about for years, and immediately, I froze up.

Suddenly, I didn’t see Levi anymore. I only saw my ex-boyfriend, forcing himself between my legs to steal the one part of me I was reluctant to give anyone.

Levi’s eyes glinted at my strange reaction, and surprisingly, his grip loosened on my wrists, but he didn’t let me go completely. But it was enough to chase away the memory of myself at fifteen, frightened and weak-willed.

“Listen to me, Mia.” His voice was softer than I had ever heard it before. “There was nothing you could’ve done. You have to understand that.”

Tears sprang into my eyes at his words. No, he was wrong. There _was_ something I could’ve done to help him. I could’ve stayed behind and protected him. “I—”

“Your gear was broken,” he cut me off, his gray eyes dark and annoyed. “You didn’t have enough gas or blades. If you did, you would have already fought them off.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t want to admit there was some truth to his words. A sob escaped my lips as Ben’s bloodied face flashed through my mind. I already missed him so badly.

“Why?” I forced out, meeting his gray eyes again. “Why did you come after me? Who sent you?”

His eyes diverted from mine, but his hands stayed wrapped around my wrists. He seemed to be at war with himself, like he was debating whether or not to tell me exactly who sent him after me in the first place.

“Hanji told me what happened, but she didn’t send me.”

 _So…he decided to follow me on his own accord?_ I didn’t believe it.

“…You’re not my caretaker,” I finally spat at him, shooting him my fiercest glare. “I’m not your responsibility. You said so yourself you were done saving my ass, so why follow me? You don’t have to follow me around like a lost puppy.”

I knew the words were harsh, but I couldn’t stop them from falling out of my mouth. Anger clouded his gray eyes, but he moved off of me, his hands finally leaving my wrists. He stood up on the rooftop, gazing toward the inner gate.

“Fine. I’ll let you kill yourself next time you decide to do something stupid like that.”

 _Fine, then so be it._ I didn’t need him to hang over me. I wasn’t his friend, and he wasn’t mine.

Although I expected him to jump off the rooftop, he didn’t do that. Instead, he held out his hand to me, holding the trigger of his wire in his other hand. A blush rose up to my cheeks as I realized I couldn’t leave here without him.

Begrudgingly, I took his hand, and he yanked me up to my feet. Tucking me under his arm again, he shot out a wire and lowered us both on the ground. Outside the inner gate were Edel and the black mare, who were both grazing in the field up ahead. Luckily, no Titans were in sight; they must have moved further into the area behind Wall Maria.

“Get on,” Levi said, swinging himself up onto his black mare. With a glare in his direction, I climbed onto Edel, who snorted when my scent crossed over his nose. The two of us kicked our horses into gear, heading back toward Wall Rose.

I swallowed hard as I let my head swerve over my shoulder. As I gazed at my old home for the last time, I thought of the many times Leyna, Ben and I would chase each other outside our house. I remembered the family dinners around the kitchen table, when Dad and Ben would playfully toss pieces of carrot at me and Leyna from across the table, to Ma’s disapproval.

Now, those memories were all I had left of my brother. As I turned back to face the trail in front of me, a few more tears slid down my cheeks. Under my breath, I spoke a final goodbye to my brother as I followed Levi back to Wall Rose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite only writing Ben for a short time, I've grown attached to him, since his relationship with Mia is partially based off my own relationship with my brother and my close guy friends. But no one gets out of Shiganshina unscathed - not even Mia. I personally can't wait to explore his years in the Garrison in his own story "A Wolf Among Roses," which I've started writing out already. (It won't be published until the first volume of "A Wolf with Wings" is completed or close to it.) 
> 
> Of course, her past with Jax is going to be referenced throughout the story, and her experiences will prove to be a challenge to overcome when she and Levi begin to grow closer. But we'll just have to see how that plays out! 
> 
> Thank you for reading! :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is on the shorter side, and a bit slow, but I think it's needed, especially after the last one. It was a little hard to write this one - that's why it's not too long - but I wanted to keep the events for the next chapter separate from these. Don't worry, the next chapter will pick up, I promise!

|XIII|

The next few days were a blur for me. I could only remember snippets of them: Hanji’s constant hugs, Shadis’ angry words, the sympathetic glances from the other Scouts. I simply stood and took it all, too tired to fight back.

The second Levi and I had made it back to base, Shadis had angrily ordered me to see him in his office. I don’t remember the rant that much, but there were definitely tears involved. He was still shaken up by our most recent expedition—which seemed so long ago now—so he wasn’t in his strongest state of mind. He resigned the day after, promoting Erwin Smith as the next Commander. He left soon after, and the Scouts could only watch as he disappeared back toward Wall Rose.

I stayed hidden underneath the covers of my bed for the next two days. I didn’t eat or sleep—Hanji practically forced water down my throat to make sure I was still drinking. All I could do way lay there and think.

I thought of Ben’s blood splattered on the rooftops of Shiganshina. I thought of my home district, which felt more like my real home even though I’d spent less time in it than I did in Ehrmich. I thought of my mother, who I hadn’t heard from in months. I assumed she was with the other refugees, but they were scattered beyond Wall Rose at this time.

The other girls left me alone in the barracks, for the most part. They didn’t even bother talking to me; I would barely talk to Hanji when she came to see me. I wasn’t in the mood, so they decided to ignore me. I was fine with that.

I hadn’t spoken to Levi since we’d left Shiganshina. Once or twice Hanji would tell me he would be asking about me, but I didn’t acknowledge him. Every time I thought of his face, anger bubbled in the pit of my stomach. If it hadn’t been for him, maybe Ben would still be alive. Maybe if he had just let me save my brother, the pain wouldn’t be killing me right now.

There was suddenly a knock at the barracks. I was the only one inside at the moment, since all the girls were out training. Unfortunately, the door didn’t have a lock. I poked my head out from underneath my blanket and stared at the door.

Another knock. And then—

“Wolf.”

Fury flooded through my veins. “Go away. I don’t want to see you.”

I was met with silence. I kept my eyes glued to the door, waiting for it to burst open at any minute. If Levi really did want to talk to me, he wouldn’t regard something as flimsy as the rules. He couldn’t care less if he was barging into the girls’ barracks.

“…Mia—”

“I said go away!” I sat up in my bed this time, my eyes burning with tears. “I don’t want to talk, you bastard!” _It’s because of you my brother is gone!_

There was so much more I wanted to scream at him, but if I were to do it to his face, I was scared I would break down in front of him. I wanted to tell him exactly how I felt—how betrayed I felt when he decided to save me and not my brother. How terrified I felt when he pressed me against the rooftop with his hands clutching my wrists. How hopeless I felt now that I knew my brother was no longer in the world with me.

I was met with more silence on the other side of the door. I kept staring, worried he would eventually break it down. However, no such thing happened, and I began to think he had walked away. _Good riddance._

As I wormed my way back underneath the covers, the doorknob suddenly turned. I snatched my pillow and, just as the door swung open, I threw it at the intruder.

Hanji yelped out and held her arms up, blocking the pillow from hitting her face. “Mia, calm down! It’s just me.”

“Is Levi with you?”

“What? No, he just left…”

“Oh.” My eyes met the floor, where the pillow was now resting. “Sorry.”

Hanji sighed, scooping up the pillow and walking back over to my bed. She placed it back at the top of the mattress before taking a seat next to me. “It’s okay. How are you feeling?”

“Not…good.” I laid back down on the bed, pulling the covers back over my head. As I shut my eyes, I could feel Hanji’s hand rest on my shoulder.

“Mia, sweetie, you have to get up. At least eat something—you need your strength.”

It was the same technique she used when I lost Rosalie and Emmett. She constantly encouraged me to take care of myself and perform the basic functions of living, like eating, drinking, and sleeping. It took a week or so, but eventually I started to do that again. Right now, I felt like if I did eat something, I would puke it right back up. I could barely keep down the water I drank without thinking of Ben getting bitten in half back in Shiganshina.

“I don’t want to eat.”

“Then have some more water. Come on, you won’t be much good outside the Walls if you lose your strength.”

A moment later, I felt a metal canteen poking my arm. With a groan, I sat up and took a tiny sip from it. The memory of Ben’s blood staining the Titan’s chin bubbled up behind my eyelids; I stopped short, forcing the water down my throat.

“Mia,” Hanji started again, wrapping an arm around my shoulder, “at least take a shower. You’ll feel so much better once you’re clean. Come on, you have to move eventually. Once you do, you’ll feel better.”

I shrugged my shoulders, taking another sip of water. “I guess so.”

“Thanks, sweetie.” Hanji held me close and kissed the top of my head. “Then, you can try to eat something. Can you do that for me? We don’t even have to eat in the mess hall.”

“…Okay.”

The girls’ barracks (and the men’s barracks, as well) had a separate room for showers in the back. The royal government had allowed the military to install some kind of system to run water through the major bases. They usually had these systems in Mitras and Wall Sina, but they let the Scouts have it in their base at Wall Rose, as well. Our showers didn’t last as long as they could in Mitras, though, and it took a good few minutes for the water to become warm.

Once I was in the stall, with my white towel, I stripped down and waited for the water to warm up. Hanji waited outside in the other room, leaning against the wall. She’d promised me she wouldn’t let anyone else in until I could see who wanted to enter. She knew I didn’t want to see Levi; I’d told her about how he’d carried me away from Ben the day we returned from Shiganshina.

Finally, the water grew warm enough, so I stepped underneath the small nozzle. I was used to two-minute-long showers, but I took the extra time to enjoy the water cascading down my body. I ran my fingers through my hair and over my shoulders, tracing over the multiple scars on my form.

But I didn’t want to spend too much time underneath the water; the other soldiers needed it, as well. A few minutes later, I stepped out and began drying myself off. I redressed myself in my white pants and green shirt, leaving my military jacket off. When I stepped outside, I saw Hanji in the same position I’d left her.

“Feeling any better?”

I shrugged. “A little.” In fact, I _did_ feel better, but it would take a long time for me to be able to pass off as alright.

“That’s what I want to hear!” It was comforting to see that familiar smile spread across her face. I hated seeing Hanji upset over me. “I’ll go get us some dinner, okay? You can stay here if you want. Sound good?”

“…Yes.” I didn’t want to go anywhere near the mess hall, in case Levi happened to be there. It was better if I stayed behind.

“Okay, I’ll be right back!” She gave me a quick hug before running out the door, closing it behind her.

|~|

When Hanji returned a few minutes later, the two of us settled on the floor and began to eat our dinner. I ate slowly, keeping my eyes trained on Hanji’s happy face. We kept the chatting to a minimum, with Hanji telling me about the training session she and her squad had conducted today.

Once I had food in my stomach, I definitely felt a little more energized. However, I couldn’t get Ben’s half-lidded eyes out of my head. I remembered the way his hand pulled away from the back of his head, glistening with red. And when I remembered the Titan that grabbed him, its teeth stained with his blood, I felt the food rising back up in my throat.

As I choked on the roll I was currently eating, Hanji reached over and patted my back. “Take it easy, sweetie. Don’t rush it. I’m glad you’re eating, but don’t feel like you have to eat it all.”

No, that wasn’t the problem. The food tasted good enough; I just wanted to be able to forget seeing my brother get eaten. Before I knew it, my cheeks grew wet with fallen tears. Hanji’s eyes softened as she brushed her hand over my face, wiping some of them away.

“I miss him.”

Her arms were around me in an instant, and I pressed my face into her chest. I began to sob, curling my arms around her shoulders and bringing her close. She held me tightly, running her hand up and down my back. The food lay forgotten at our sides.

“I know, Mia. Believe me, I know.”

|~|

The next day, after a sleepless night, I was approached by Commander Erwin, thanks to Hanji’s influence. It was jarring, referring to him as our new Commander. In my mind, he was still a Squad Leader, but Shadis was no longer with us. He was our Commander, and I could only hope he would do his best to carry the torch.

“A letter arrived today for you, Wolf.” Indeed, as he handed me an envelope, I could see the words _Mia Wolf_ scrawled on the surface in black ink. From the looks of it, it appeared to be my mother’s handwriting. I didn’t waste a second tearing it open and scanning its contents.

_ Mia,  _

_ As you may know already, Shiganshina has fallen to the Titans. I’m okay, though, thanks to Ben. Now, I’m residing in Trost with an old family friend, Johanna Kappel.  _

_ I want to see you and your siblings. I’ve sent Ben and Leyna a letter, as well. If your Commander allows it, please visit me as soon as possible. I need to see you.  _

_ Love, Ma _

I finished the letter with a churning stomach. She had no idea about Ben… Oh God, I didn’t want to be the one to tell her about him.

“Uh, Commander…” With a harsh swallow, I met his icy blue eyes. “…I’d like to visit Trost for a day. My mother…doesn’t know about my brother.” And I assumed Leyna didn’t, either.

Erwin’s eyes softened, and he rested a hand on my shoulder. “I understand. But you shouldn’t go alone, especially with the state you’re in. Hanji can go with you.” Hanji nodded at once, saluting with a smile. “You two can leave whenever you’re ready.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you.” I saluted to him, as well, holding Ma’s letter close to my heart.

|~|

An hour later, Hanji and I were on our way to Trost. Edel groaned at the slow pace we were currently at, but I couldn’t urge him on any faster. I wasn’t able to handle his speed right now, and I knew Hanji wasn’t in the mood to keep up with us.

“You know,” she began, casting me a sympathetic look, “you don’t have to do this alone. I can come in with you, if you want.”

I met her dark brown eyes, biting my lip. “Maybe. We’ll see.” I wouldn’t know until I saw my mother again. All I knew was that there would be tears—lots of them.

As we drew closer to the city, I noticed the abnormally large amount of people lingering outside the district. Hanji had told me about the refugees of Wall Maria flooding in through Trost, but I hadn’t known it was this bad. Food and money were already short—with this many refugees, they wouldn’t last that long.

The Garrison took care of our horses as we entered the district. Ma had written the address of the house she was staying at now on the envelope of her letter, so Hanji took the lead and began to guide us to it. She was better at navigating than I was, anyway; she was always better at that kind of stuff compared to me.

As the two of us weaved through the streets, holding each other’s hands, I reached up and felt the tiny wolf charm that rested against my throat. I wondered if Leyna was holding her own; the two of us had a habit to play with our necklaces when we were nervous. I’d noticed it when Leyna gave a small presentation to our class back in our school days. Her hand had never left her wolf necklace, even after her presentation was over. I didn’t feel the need to tease her—I did the same thing, so I knew how it felt.

I didn’t want to be the one to tell my mother her only son was dead. I didn’t want to tell my sister that our brother was gone. I didn’t want to tell myself, because I still didn’t believe it. Still, even though days had passed since Shiganshina had fallen to the Titans, a small part of me believed that Ben had somehow survived. The memory of his blood exploding in the Titan’s mouth told me otherwise, though.

All I could do was imagine what my family’s reaction would be. When Dad had died, we all knew at the same time, so there were no surprises. No one had to break the news to anyone else. With Dad, we had all been around him as he passed away. We watched him quietly leave our world with a smile on his face. Ben’s death had been so different compared to Dad’s. Where his was peaceful, Ben’s was brutal. As Dad left with a final calming breath, Ben left in a cloud of blood and guts. I didn’t want to describe it to my mother and sister. They didn’t need to know that.

And at the same moment, they did. I had no right to keep Ben’s death a secret from them. Ma deserved to know her son was gone, so she wouldn’t be hopelessly waiting up for him to return home. Leyna deserved to know her only brother was gone, but that he went out with honor. He died slaying Titans, like he’d promised us he would do.

But at the same time, _had_ he died with honor? Thinking he did brought a sense of closer to me, but I didn’t know if that was the truth. A Titan had yanked his wire and smashed him against the wall. He didn’t go out fighting Titans—he went out dazed and confused, bleeding from his head. He barely even screamed; I doubt he even registered what was going on.

“Well, we’re here.”

At Hanji’s voice, my head snapped up. She had led us to a small brown house with a red roof. It didn’t look much different than our home in Shiganshina; when I realized this, a pang of sorrow hit my chest. My mother was inside, and possibly my sister, as well.

I had to face them sooner or later. They deserved to know what had happened to Ben.

Hanji pressed her hand against my shoulder. “Do you want to go in alone? Or do you want me to come in with you?”

My hand covered her own, and I swallowed my fear. “Come with me, please.” She nodded and followed me up to the door.

I knocked twice, and it wasn’t long before a tall, aging woman with blond hair and green eyes opened the door. She looked only a few years older than Ma, and she wore a kind smile. The apron she wore over her dress was stained from years of use.

“You must be Annika’s daughter, Mia. She’s right inside—come on in.” As she closed the door behind us, she held out a hand to Hanji. “Hello. Are you a friend from work?”

“Yes, I’m Hanji Zoë.” She shook her hand eagerly.

“Johanna Kappel. It’s nice to meet you.”

Meanwhile, I began roaming the inside of the house. My mother was seated at the kitchen table, right across from my sister. At the sight of them, the tears began to drip down my face. I couldn’t hold them back any longer.

Ma lifted her head when I walked in. “Mia!” She embraced me at once, holding my head against her chest. Another pair of arms encircled us, and the scent of rose flooded my nose. It was Leyna. “Thank God you’re okay. Now we just have to wait for Ben.”

A sob tore through my throat, and I buried my face into my mother’s chest. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell them Ben was dead. I couldn’t tell them he had been eaten by a Titan. I couldn’t tell them that I could have saved him, but a fellow Scout had prevented me from doing so. If it was a choice between me and Ben, I would gladly sacrifice my life to save his.

Ma pulled way at my outburst, staring into my eyes. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

Leyna’s hand squeezed my shoulder. “What is it, Mia?”

I felt like throwing up. I couldn’t do it, but I had to. I had to hurt them in order for them to understand.

“Ben…he…” I began to sob even harder, but I forced the words out. “Ben’s gone…”

Ma’s face fell, and she stayed silent. Leyna, however, turned me around sharply to face her. Her blue eyes were wild and tear-filled.

“What? No, you’re lying. That’s not true!”

I simply stood there, crying my eyes out. Eventually, Leyna pulled me into her arms, pressing me against her chest with her chin resting against my head.

“Oh, God…”

Ma let out a pained wail, burying her face in her hands. When she sank to her knees, tears falling from her hands, Leyna and I dropped down beside her. My arms wrapped around the both of them, holding them as close as I could. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Johanna pressing her hand against her mouth, trying to hold back her own tears. Hanji stood beside her, her arms crossed and her face turned away. Her glasses glinted in the faint sunlight that poured in through the window.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered over and over. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Between her sobs, Ma managed to meet my eyes and choke out, “Tell me… Tell me how he…” She sucked in a shaky breath. “How did my son die?”

For a second, I imagined if this was what Shadis felt like when Moses’ mother had confronted him. He had told her that her son had died in vain, that his death meant nothing in humanity’s fight against the Titans. Was I supposed to tell my mother the same thing? That Ben had managed to accomplish almost nothing before his death?

 _No._ Ben was worth more than that.

“When I heard Shiganshina had fallen,” I began when my sobs started to die down, “I raced back and met up with Ben. We were surrounded, and a Titan smacked him into a wall. He was eaten…I couldn’t save him…”

Ma sobbed even harder, hugging herself as Leyna rubbed her back. My sister gazed at me, through her wet eyelashes, and stretched out a hand to cup my face. She traced her thumb over the white scar on my left cheek—the one I’d received from Levi’s knife in my first encounter with him, Furlan, and Isabel back in the Underground.

 _Levi_. _He_ was the reason Ben wasn’t with us right now. _He_ was the reason for my mother’s pain. _He_ was the reason my sister was sobbing.

And he would pay—I would make sure of it.

|~|

When Ma had exhausted herself from crying, Johanna tucked her into bed and pressed a wet cloth against her forehead. As much as I wanted to stay longer, I knew I couldn’t. Hanji and I had to get back on the road as soon as possible.

As Johanna stayed in Ma’s new bedroom, Leyna stayed outside with me and my bespectacled friend. She kept her arm around me, holding me close to her.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” she whispered against my hair. “Was he in…any pain?”

I shook my head. “He didn’t even scream.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because he was dazed, not because he was brave.

“I see.” She held me even tighter, keeping her chin on my head. “You probably have to go back soon, right?” I hummed, and she nodded. “I wish you could stay longer.”

“Me too.”

She gave me a final hug before loosening her arms around me. “I’ll stay for a little bit, just to take care of Ma. Thank you for…telling us, Mia.” She pressed a kiss to my forehead, threading her fingers through my hair. “I hope you guys get back home safely.”

“Thanks. I hope you do, too.”

I gave her a final hug before stepping outside with Hanji. As the door shut behind us, I felt her hand slip into mine, and she squeezed it tightly.

“It’ll be okay,” she whispered, leading me away from the house. “Your mother will be taken care of. She’ll be fine.”

I nodded, keeping my eyes trained on the ground below. As Hanji took the lead and started heading out of the city, I stayed silent, my head pounding from crying so much.

I couldn’t wallow in my own pain for too long. It didn’t help me when I lost Dad, and it didn’t help when I lost Rosalie and Emmett. Even after losing Flagon, Sairam, Daisy, Isabel, and Furlan, I still managed to pick myself up by my bootstraps. Ben couldn’t be any different; I had to fight and carry on.

He wouldn’t have wanted me to sulk over his death. He was like Dad that way; before he had died in his sleep, Dad told me and my siblings that, if any of us could only remember him with tears in our eyes, he would personally haunt us and follow us around for the rest of our days. He wanted us to remember him with smiles and happiness, and nothing else. It had taken me a while, but I had finally succeeded in doing that.

Ben would want the same. He wouldn’t want me to crumble in my state of depression. He would want me to fight through it and find the courage to smile again. I had to try to remember him with smiles, not tears.

It would take a long time, but I would do it for him. Whatever it took, I would fight for him and learn how to smile at the memories he had left behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Mia blames Levi for her brother's death... We'll just see how this plays out for the two of them. Thank you for reading guys! I'm honored so many of you have taken an interest in this story so far. :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's decided to stick with this story! I really appreciate it! Hope you enjoy the chapter! :)

|XIV|

Once I was sure Hanji and the other girls were asleep, I slid out of bed and quickly pulled on my boots. As quietly as I could, I snuck out of the girls’ barracks, closing the door softly behind me. I was only dressed in my green shirt and white pants, along with the straps to my uniform. The edges of my shirt had been pulled up to my elbows, where they now rested comfortably.

The night was cooler than usual, and the moon gave me enough light to find my way around the base. Still moving quietly, I headed for the main castle, constantly throwing glances over my shoulder.

For the past few nights, ever since I visited Leyna and Ma in Trost, I began training a little more. I worked throughout the day and into the night, when everyone was sleeping. I couldn’t fall asleep most nights, so I simply focused on my training.

When I reached the castle, I went down the hallway on my right, toward the ODM gear storage room. Once I reached the room, I took a set of boxes with blades and a winch, along with two full gas canisters. A few minutes later, I was fully equipped, the gear secure on the straps along my body.

As I made my way out of the castle and into the forest, I kept my eyes peeled for any stray soldiers wandering the base at night. I had been lucky for the past few nights; I hadn’t run into anyone, so I had no reason to explain my actions. I didn’t want to anyway.

Finally, I was among the trees. As I winded the cranks along at the trunks to pull the Titan dummies up, my mind began to wander. I thought of Hanji and her concern for me. Thankfully, she had stopped watching over me so closely, now that I was beginning to eat and drink on my own again. I managed to shove the pain of Ben’s death away from my mind, choosing to channel my frustration into my training instead.

I thought of my family back in Trost. I was certain Leyna had already left to return to her post in Mitras, since she was part of the king’s squad. Ma was probably alone in Trost, with no one but Johanna to take care of her. I wondered how she spent her days. Did she lay in bed from sunrise to sunset, refusing to eat and take care of herself? She hadn’t done that when Dad passed away, but there was always a first time for everything.

Losing a significant other was drastically different from losing a child. Some people had said the pain of losing a kid was even worse—the worst kind of pain you could possibly feel. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, much less my own mother.

Or was she fighting to get through each day, carrying the memory of my brother with her? Had she promised to keep living for him, so his memory wouldn’t die in vain? Had she promised herself she would keep smiling, like I had?

When the Titan dummies were standing upright in the air, I counted them. There were sixteen dummies in total throughout the forest. My goal was to take each and every one of them down in less than five minutes. I had almost managed to do it last night, but I accidentally tangled my wires up on the last few Titans. It took me an extra few minutes to bring them down. I had to be better than that.

I launched myself into the air and swung toward the first Titan. My blades in front of me, I swung my arms back and tore out a chunk of the rubber nape. With a growl, I aimed for the next Titan, doing the same.

I had to perfect my strikes. I had to kill them all. To avenge my brother, and my father, and my two deceased squads. Without the Titans, they would all still be breathing.

It was hard to breathe as I took down the eighth Titan, but I was only halfway done. The muscles in my thighs burned, and my arms began to ache underneath the strenuous exercise. Still, I had to keep going. Out in the field, there was no time to rest. The Titans would be on you if you gave them even a second. Even during training, I had to act as though these wooden Titans were just as dangerous as the real ones.

Three more Titans later, my arms felt like they were about to fall off. With an aggravated groan, I lowered myself on the nearest tree branch, gazing down at the five other Titans below. My breath came out in ragged puffs, and my chest felt like it was on fire. I knelt on the branch, sheathing my blades and pressing a hand to the trunk of the tree.

For the past few nights, ever since I started training like this, it had been the same. I could only take out ten or so wooden Titans before burning myself out. That wasn’t good enough. To avenge Ben, I had to be able to take them all out.

I felt my blood pounding in my ears as I remembered my brother. I thought of the way he smiled at me, even though he knew he was going to die. I thought of the blood on his hand and the back of his head. I thought of the way the Titan’s meaty fingers grabbed him and shoved him into his mouth.

All of a sudden, I was on my feet again. I could see the entire forest ahead of me, including the five Titan dummies still standing. My blades were back in my hands, my fingers finding themselves on the triggers of the handles. No longer did I feel the burning pains in my arms and chest.

That special adrenaline rush began flooding through my body. I didn’t fight it; I welcomed it. If it helped me fight through my exhaustion and take down the Titans that had murdered my brother, so be it.

I went straight for the first Titan, lodging my wire into its neck and speeding toward it. My swords cut through the rubber in a flash, and once they left the Titan’s “flesh,” I yanked my wires out and launched them into the nape of the second Titan. I swung myself up and underneath its chin, just like before, and brought myself down hard on its nape. The chunk of rubber flew out further into the forest.

It felt like I wasn’t even human at the moment. I wasn’t Mia Wolf, daughter of Alexander and Annika, sister of Ben and Leyna. I wasn’t a soldier or a Scout, or even a resident of the Walls. I was _so much more_.

I could feel my whole body tingling as I sliced the third Titan’s nape. My own heartbeat echoed in my ears, screaming at me to hurry up. My eyes were peeled against the harsh wind, and the wires and gas canisters hissed as I flung myself at the fourth Titan. I swiped at its neck, tearing out its nape with one stroke, before heading to the fifth one. It was further than the others, but I could still reach it.

_For Ben! For Dad!_

A scream bubbled up in my throat, but I didn’t dare release it. The adrenaline wouldn’t let me. Instead, I simply grunted and spun myself around, lodging my blades into the skin of the Titan dummy. Instead of swinging myself away, I dug my blades hard into the skin and planted my feet on its nape, manually tearing out a chunk of rubber with my own two arms. Flecks of soft material flew into the air as the chunk disappeared onto the forest floor.

Finally, I allowed myself to relax, and I carried myself back onto the ground below. The adrenaline rush was wearing off, and I could start to feel the pain settling in my thighs and arms. My heart felt like it would burst right out of my rib cage.

I glanced at my blades. The edges were dull and useless, so I discarded them and clipped the handles back onto my waist. I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart. With a tight swallow, I unbuttoned the first two clasps of my shirt, allowing myself some extra room to breathe.

I had to find a way to make that special adrenaline rush kick in on command, if it was even possible. When I was overcome with it, I was in total control. I knew exactly what had to be done and how to do it. It almost felt like, whenever I was in that state, I was…unstoppable. I felt like I could do anything I set my mind to.

It had always been like that. Ever since I accidentally activated it during my cadet days, in an attempt to show off in front of Leyna to prove how I was so much better than her, it had been a part of me. Sometimes it kicked in on our expeditions beyond the Walls—I had gone on two expeditions leading Rosalie and Emmett, and the two were in awe when they saw me take down a Titan for the first time.

But it happened too infrequently for my liking. If I was going to be of any use to the Scouts, I had to learn how to harness this power. I had to know how to use it at my own will. I wouldn’t be able to destroy the Titans and avenge Ben’s death without this power aiding me.

The only problem was, I had no idea how to activate it. It happened randomly, at the weirdest of times. Sometimes it happened when I got angry, other times when I upset. Sometimes it even happened when I was just happy. I had no real emotion to link it to.

_If that’s not the case, then why does it kick in to begin with? What triggers it in the first place?_

As I scooped up the dull blades, I heard a rustle in the leaves above me. Immediately, I dropped the blades and yanked on one of the handles at my waist, shoving it onto a fresh, sharpened blade. I gazed up into the darkness above, grimacing as I spotted a familiar face among the leaves.

Levi.

He was standing a few branches above me, dressed in his usual Scout military uniform and signature white cravat. He didn’t have the usual green cloak on over his ODM gear—why would he? We only wore them whenever we left our base or went outside beyond the Walls. He stared at me with those cold gray eyes, and with every passing second, I grew more uneasy.

I had no desire to talk to him, much less see his face. I still saw him as the one to blame for Ben’s demise; after all, he had prevented me from going after and possibly saving my closest relative. He could die, for all I cared. If Ben couldn’t enjoy life, why should he? Why should I? Neither of us had any right to be standing here when my brother couldn’t. Not after we’d left him to get eaten by the Titans.

“I thought I told you to leave me alone.”

I finally tore my eyes away from him and jammed my blade back into its holster on my waist, leaving the handle attached. I leaned down and picked up the dull blades again, before heading back toward our base. Before sunrise, I had to replace the rubber napes in each wooden Titan; I didn’t like leaving them empty for the next soldier to use.

The moment I turned away, I heard the screech of a wire lodging itself into the ground behind me. I froze, listening to him drop down onto the grass next to me. I kept my eyes away from his own, even as he turned to face me.

“Don’t you listen?” I snapped at him. Biting my lip, I turned away and began walking toward the castle. However, before I could get too far ahead of him, a warm weight rested on my shoulder, pulling me back. My blade was back in my hand again, pointing right at his chest. “Don’t touch me! I don’t want to see you. Leave me alone!”

He continued to stare at me, unnerving me to no end. What did he want from me? What kind of sick pleasure did he get out of taunting me like this? He knew how much Ben meant to me, and yet, he didn’t seem to care in the slightest. He just couldn’t respect my wishes to be left alone.

“Wolf,” he started, raising his hand and moving the blade away from his chest, “we need to talk.”

No, we didn’t. We had nothing to talk about, unless it was about how he had forced me to leave my brother behind. Unless he planned to bring Ben back from the dead, I wasn’t interested in anything he had to say.

“Did Hanji set you up to this again? Or is this just you ‘acting on your own accord’?”

He glared at me, taking another step forward. In response, I kept my blade held out in front of me. The dull ones in my arms fell to the ground again, and I grabbed the other handle positioned at my waist, just in case I needed to make a quick getaway.

“I know you’re still upset about your brother, and I’m sorry about that.”

I scoffed, stepping away from him. His apology was worth nothing. “My brother’s still dead, you dumbass.” _No, I won’t cry in front of him. Not now, not ever_. “Your apology means shit to me.” He followed me as I continued to step back, and when I jammed the blade out even further, he grasped it in his hand. “Hey, cut it out!”

“You’re acting like a brat,” he replied in that deep, monotone voice of his. “Stop it. You’re not the only one who’s lost people around here.”

“He was my _brother_!” I nearly screamed, tugging on the blade to free it from his grasp. Already, I could see a steady stream of blood flowing from his palm. “Have you ever lost a brother, or a sister, or anyone close to you? Do you even know what it’s like?!”

His eyes held all the coldness of winter in them. “Yeah, I do. Their names were Furlan and Isabel.”

My stomach turned to stone before dropping to my shoes. I had forgotten all about Isabel and Furlan, in my own grief over Ben. Levi _had_ lost people he cared about—perhaps he even loved them, in his own strange way. I had wallowed away in my own sadness and completely disregarded their memories. The guilt gnawed on me from inside, and suddenly, I couldn’t meet his eyes.

“I’ve lost people I cared about, too,” he continued, inching closer to me. This time, I didn’t even bother moving away. “As a Scout, I’m sure you’ve lost people, as well. But you have to move on. You have to carry the memories of them with you.”

Ugh, he was worse than Hanji with this stuff. My bespectacled friend spouted the same nonsense, of carrying our loved ones with us even after they were gone. She insisted it was how Rosalie and Emmett lived on through the Scouts, even though they weren’t physically here.

“I wouldn’t have to carry his memory if you had just let me save him!” The tears in my eyes threatened to show themselves. “Because of _you_ , he’s gone!”

“I didn’t go there to save a random Garrison soldier. I went there to make sure you didn’t get your stupid ass killed.”

“I never asked you to!”

I couldn’t hold them back any longer. A sob slipped past my mouth, and tears began running down my cheeks. I squeezed my eyes shut, turning away from the gray-eyed Scout across from me. As hard as I tried, he wouldn’t let go of the blade, even if it meant tearing his own hand up in the process.

“Why did you even follow me? I’m nothing to you, just another random Scout. You shouldn’t feel the need to go out of your way to chase after me.”

I thought I had managed to trap him, but he replied in a cool voice: “We can’t afford to lose any more Scouts. You really are stupid if you think I’m going to let a fellow Scout go out on a suicide mission.”

“Oh, _now_ you care about your fellow Scouts?”

His hand lashed out and curled around my wrist, forcing me to drop the blade. As he pulled me closer to him, I found myself staring into those sharp eyes. When I was up this close, I could see the faintest specks of blue mixed in with his gray pupils.

“Yeah, I do.” His warm breath fanned over my face, smelling of tea; he must have had some before coming out here.

If it had been any other man, or if it were under different circumstances, I would’ve found myself to be weak in the knees. But I was still fuming over the fact he had left my brother to die in that Titan-infested hellhole.

“Since when?”

He was silent for a moment, his eyes holding my own. My stomach churned as I saw the answer to my question written on his face: he only cared about his fellow Scouts after he lost Isabel and Furlan. They had given their lives for the Survey Corps, and because of that, Levi felt obliged to stay with the Scouts. He felt as though he was honoring their memories by staying with us and fighting the Titans.

If he was as close to them as Isabel once told me, how did he manage to get past their deaths?

“I’m not letting some girl drag her fellow soldiers down in her own grief,” he continued, finally loosening his hold on my wrist. Immediately, I backed away, scooping up the blade on the ground and holding it out in front of me.

“I’m not killing myself, if that’s what you’re so worried about.” I had never thought about it, not even after losing Rosalie and Emmett, so why would I start now?

Throughout the years, I had seen Scouts use suicide as a way to escape the horrors of military life. To me, it seemed like the coward’s way out, even though Hanji constantly berated me whenever I told her that. I had never felt the need to kill myself after losing someone I cared about, not when I had Hanji, Ma, Leyna, and all of the other people I loved to keep me grounded. I knew Hanji would never believe me, but I made a promise to myself that I would never take my own life. I refused to leave her alone in this world.

A moment of silence passed between us. When I was sure he wasn’t going to respond, I sheathed the sword back in the holster on my waist and picked up the dull blades again. With a final glare thrown his way, I turned on my heel and walked back to the base.

Whenever we could, we saved our dull blades and shipped them back to the capital. There were rumors that the royal government found a way to reuse the material to make other items in the city. During our training sessions, the Scouts collected their dull blades in a spare room in the castle, and whenever we went back to Mitras, we dropped it off at the factories. In return, the Scouts would receive a small sum of money, which would usually go toward out expeditions beyond the Walls.

Finally, I reached the castle, and I headed for the blade room. After dropping off the dull blades and wrapping them up in a few spare pieces of cloth, to protect the edges, I went to the room where we stored all the extra supplies for our wooden Titan dummies. I could only carry four rubber napes at a time, due to their larger size, so I would have to take multiple trips.

I was thankful Levi hadn’t decided to follow me back to the base. For all I knew, he was still in the forest. Wherever he was, though, I had a feeling I would have to interact with him again before this night was over.

I began to carry the rubber napes out of the castle and into the forest. As far as I could see, I was the only one out here for now. I had to work quickly, if I wanted to avoid running into Levi again.

Once I approached the first Titan dummy, I grabbed one of the rubber napes and scaled myself up to its neck with my ODM gear. I situated myself on its neck and began unscrewing the torn piece of fabric. When it was loose, I pulled it out and replaced it with the fresh piece. I screwed the wooden pegs back in the little holes securing it in place. When I was sure it wouldn’t fall out, I dropped back onto the ground, tossing the used up nape to the side.

When the other three napes were replaced, I dropped the used napes off in the pile behind the main castle, where the torn napes from earlier today had been tossed. I grabbed four more napes from the storage room and began my trek back to the forest.

This was the part of these nightly training sessions I hated the most. Even when I used to train with my squad, and later with Rosalie and Emmett, I hated replacing the rubber napes in the wooden Titans the most. To be honest, I preferred extra stable duty over screwing in the napes. Sometimes I wouldn’t screw them in properly, I would slip and fall, and sometimes I would even drop the nape while trying to screw it in. I had done them enough over the years that I could now screw them in tightly, but I still hated doing it.

The further I made it into the forest, the more anxious I became. I still hadn’t spotted Levi; he couldn’t still be in the forest, right? Surely he would’ve headed back to the men’s barracks for the night, right?

Suddenly, I heard the scream of a gas canister in the quiet forest air, and when I turned my head, I saw him perched on a wooden Titan’s neck, screwing in the new nape and replacing the old one. The moment he gazed up from his work, I diverted my eyes and focused on the pegs in front of me. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing I was watching him.

When we ran out of rubber napes, I headed back to the castle, not even waiting for him to come along. However, it seemed like I didn’t have much of a choice, as I heard his boots padding against the grass behind me. I kept my eyes glued ahead, even when he caught up to me and began walking beside me. I took a step to the side, putting as much distance between us as I could.

As we reached the storage room, I was surprised to see him grab a pair of rubber napes before I could. I raised my eyebrow, grabbing another set of material. “Why are you helping me?”

His response didn’t surprise me in the slightest: “You’ll be out there all night with the pace you’re going at.”

“Whatever.”

I hated to admit it, but the process went a lot smoother and a lot faster with another person helping me. Now I didn’t have an extra four Titan dummies to worry about. Although I was worried he would just mess it up, like some of the newer recruits would (therefore creating extra work for me to complete), he seemed to know what he was doing. In fact, he was done repairing his set of rubber napes before I was finished with mine.

The moment I was finished, I dropped back down and started dragging the torn napes behind me. Levi did the same, his eyes darting back and forth between my own and the rubber napes in his hand.

He wanted to say something, I could tell. “What is it?”

“The slashes. They’re not deep enough.”

I froze in my tracks, my forehead creased into a glare. My hand flew to the sword in my holster, which was still attached to the handle. When he finally noticed I was no longer walking beside him, he stopped and turned around, raising his eyebrow at me.

“What’s your problem?”

“What’s _your_ problem?!” I shot back, inching the blade out of the holster. “I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but I’ve been killing Titans out beyond the Walls since I was sixteen. I know _exactly_ how deep to make the cut.”

“Then you’ve been doing it wrong since you were sixteen.”

“No, I haven’t!”

This time, I released the rubber napes behind me and took out my sword, holding it between us. I didn’t point it directly at his chest like before, since I knew he would only grab it and immobilize me. And I wouldn’t give him that smug satisfaction again.

He held my gaze, his gray eyes glinting in the moonlight. Now that I was a few steps away from him, I could no longer see the flecks of blue in them. Not that I wanted to, anyway.

“Do you want me to show you?”

“You don’t have to. I know how to bring a Titan down. I’ve done it on my own before.” No need to mention that whenever I did, I was overcome with that glorious yet confusing adrenaline rush that constantly plagued my thoughts.

He rolled his eyes, retrieving two blades from the holsters wrapped around his waist. “I’ll believe it when I see it, brat.”

He launched himself into the air, leaving me speechless. I kept my glare focused on his form as he swung through the trees and toward the wooden Titan dummy closest to us. He held the blade in his right hand backwards, pointing the edge of the blade outward. At a blinding speed, he spun around and sliced out the nape, a huge chunk landing on the ground with a thud.

I jogged over to the chunk, which was a little larger than the ones I’ve torn out myself. Still in the air, Levi swung around and back toward the Titan, landing on the ripped material of its neck. He unscrewed it and dropped it down, his face showing no emotion whatsoever.

I went to the nape and nudged it with the tip of my blade, eyeing the large rip embedded in its skin. The cut was deeper and longer than the ones I was used to making. Instead of the usual one-meter-long-ten-centimeters-wide cut, this one appeared to be one and a half meters long and fourteen centimeters deep. It definitely ensured the Titan had no chance of regenerating or healing up.

I tried my best to hide the growl that leaped from my throat. _The damn bastard had been telling the truth!_

Levi lowered himself to the ground in front of me, shoving the blades back into the holsters at his waist. “The goal is to make sure those bastards don’t have time to heal themselves.”

“I know, but we can’t all spin around like you can,” I retorted, sheathing my own blade. Before meeting him and seeing him train, I had never met a soldier who could use a spinning technique to take down a Titan. “Where did you even learn that, anyway?”

His eyes were suddenly cold again, and I wondered if I’d overstepped some kind of invisible line between us. But to my surprise, although he turned his head away from me, he answered my question. “It was crowded in the Underground. We had to learn to improvise. Unlike you,” he added with a bit of a snarl, “we weren’t formally trained. We didn’t have that option.”

He was talking about Isabel and Furlan again, and their lives in the Underground. Even from the recent memory I had of visiting the Underground, I could see want he meant. It offered a lot of tall structures to engage with ODM gear, but there were quite a few tight corners to cover. Of course they had to learn a few new tricks to make sure they didn’t accidentally crash.

“Whatever. If you’re such an expert in taking down Titans, why don’t you teach me?”

This time, he turned away from me fully. “I don’t teach other people.”

My jaw dropped. “Why not?” From all the talk he was doing, you’d think he would be clamoring to teach the other Scouts how to kill Titans the “right” way.

“I don’t want to be responsible for the lives of anyone else.”

 _Except for Isabel and Furlan_. But even though his answer was admirable, in a certain light, I felt my fingers twitch in annoyance. He was being a little hypocritical, now that I thought about it. “If you really believed that,” I said, straightening myself up, “you wouldn’t have come after me the day Shiganshina fell.”

I was met with silence, and I couldn’t help but give a tiny smile. I had trapped him. But it quickly vanished a moment later.

“You’re a Scout now. We’re all responsible for each other. We don’t look out for just ourselves—we look out for each other.”

That’s why I never decided to take my own life. Despite the nightmares that visited me at night, and the blood-soaked memories of each expedition I went on, I chose to keep living. If I killed myself, it wouldn’t be fair for Hanji, or Anna, or even the small handful of recruits we’d accepted shortly before the fall of Shiganshina and Wall Maria.

He continued to stay silent, his back still facing me. With a huff, I grabbed the torn nape and added it to the pile. I started dragging them behind me, heading back to the main base.

“And I’m not replacing that Titan’s neck,” I called back to him as I walked away. “You can do that yourself!”

As I walked away, I couldn’t help but notice the lack of pressure on my chest. It felt good to scream at him like that. It felt good to let him know how angry I was with him. Slowly, with every nasty word I yelled in his direction, I felt the heavy weight lift off of my chest.

And now he was being a hypocrite. For someone who chased after a Scout he barely even knew, he seemed to care about the soldiers he worked with. But he couldn’t actually muster up the guts to train them and give them tips.

You either looked out for yourself, or you looked out for your fellow Scouts. And the former didn’t last long out there beyond the Walls. He had to learn that sooner or later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Mia... She can be such a hypocrite sometimes. She praises the Scouts for their teamwork but refuses to commit to it herself. Don't worry - Levi will call her out on it soon enough. The next chapter will delve even further into their run-ins with each other, and I can't wait to share it with you guys. Let me know what you guys think!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you to everyone who's taken an interest in this story so far! I know I may sound repetitive at this point, but I really do appreciate it! I can't believe this story has gotten this popular in only a couple months, and I'm honored that so many of you want to see where this will lead. I can't wait to continue this story with you guys at my side! :)

|XV|

The next day, I was with Hanji and her squad, training in the forest. Just like the other nights, no one noticed that I’d used up some of the rubber napes; as long as I replaced them whenever I was finished, I was okay. Training at night wasn’t exactly punishable through the Survey Corps, but still, I had to be quiet. No need to wake up any of my fellow soldiers.

I tended to branch out from her squad, since I wanted to work on activating that special adrenaline rush. However, when I approached the nearest wooden Titan, another priority took over. My mind wandered back to Levi and his unique fighting style, and the way he managed to cut even deeper than the traditional Scout could.

How did he even get himself to spin around? Did he do something weird with the wires? Did he use an extra burst of gas to give himself more speed?

I sliced the Titan’s nape in a flash, landing on the branch next to its head. I hadn’t seen Levi since last night, so I couldn’t exactly ask him about it. Besides, even if I did, there was no guarantee he would give me a straight answer. He was very cryptic man when he wanted to be.

Although it was nice to finally yell at him and let him know how much pain he had put me through, I couldn’t help but feel drawn to him. Whether or not it was because he had lost Isabel and Furlan in the same vein as I lost Ben, or the fact he was the only other survivor of Flagon’s squad, I couldn’t tell. Still, I felt a pull toward him. I felt a need to stay near him and ask him all about his life in the Underground. The mysterious answers he gave me weren’t enough to satisfy my interest.

And I hated it.

I loathed this incomplete, curious feeling—and the fact it was connected to Levi, of all people. If I had to establish a sense of interest to someone, why couldn’t it be Hanji, or Erwin, or literally anyone else in the world?

“Mia!”

There was a hiss of a gas canister, and a few seconds later, Hanji landed on the branch next to me. She gave me a curious look, tilting her head in an adorable manner.

“What’s up? You seem spaced out lately. You okay?”

I blinked in silence. Was it really that noticeable? Could she really tell that I wasn’t completely focused lately? I nearly scoffed; of course she could. We’d known each other for twelve years now, and she always told me I was the easiest to read out of all her friends (not that she really had any other friends outside of me). We tended to stick by each other, and even if we did branch out to meet other people, we always found our way back to each other.

“Ah, yeah, I’m okay. I’m just a little tired.”

She still didn’t know about my nightly training sessions, or my confrontation with Levi. And honestly, I wanted to keep it that way. She didn’t need to get sucked into that kind of drama, not when she now had her own squad and her own set of problems to worry about. I couldn’t do that to her.

But the look she gave me told me she didn’t believe me. Sheathing her blades, she stepped forward on the branch and rested a hand on my shoulder. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Of course, silly.”

She gave me a weak smile. “Are you…still thinking about Ben?”

“…Kind of.”

The truth was, while he still stayed in my mind, I wasn’t wallowing in grief over him anymore. Now, I was mainly focused on my anger and determination to wipe this world clean of the Titans. Every time I thought of my brother, I remembered the blood that dripped from the Titan’s chin. If it hadn’t been for the Titans—and Levi’s involvement—maybe he would still be alive.

Suddenly, she pulled me into a tight hug, her brown hair tickling my nose. I had to awkwardly hold my blades out to the side, so they didn’t hit her. She nuzzled her face into the crook of my shoulder and neck, humming softly.

“It’ll get better, hon,” she whispered, her grip never faltering. “Believe me.”

And I did—but I knew it wouldn’t happen overnight. Someday, I would reach the point where it no longer hurt to think about my deceased brother. Someday, I would be able to remember him without channeling my intense hatred of the Titans. But that day was far from us. For now, I was content with my anger. As long as I didn’t hurt myself or others in the process, she would have no problem with it.

|~|

It was sunset by the time Hanji and her squad finished up with their training. Although I wanted to stay out a little longer, I decided to join them as they left for the mess hall. I could always pick up my training tonight, when everyone else was asleep. I could focus a little more when I was alone, anyway.

Once Hanji and I grabbed our food trays, which had the usual offerings of bread, potatoes, and slabs of meat for dinner tonight, she led the way to our usual table near the window. I hadn’t sat with her and Levi for a week, ever since Ben’s death. I had no desire to interact with Levi any more than I already had to.

But surprisingly, he wasn’t there. Hanji and I exchanged confused glances as we sat down anyway, leaving his usual seat untouched. As the two of us began to eat, I found myself constantly looking up at the bench across from me, like he would appear in front of us all of a sudden. 

Where was he? Not that I was eager to see him or anything.

Hanji kept glancing over her shoulder, but he never showed up. And by the dejected way she turned back to her food, I could tell she was disappointed. Despite the weird relationship between the three of us, she definitely saw Levi as one of her buddies. With her kind of personality, it wasn’t a shock that she had grown used to his company; too bad I couldn’t say the same about myself.

A few minutes later, after the two of us had finished our dinner, we were still by ourselves. As I stepped up to put my empty tray back on the counter, I scanned the entire mess hall for the black-haired Scout. Still, he was nowhere to be found.

“Huh, I wonder where Shorty went…”

At Hanji’s words, I merely shrugged my shoulders. It wasn’t my business. Personally, I couldn’t care less.

|~|

When night fell, and Hanji and the other girls were fast asleep in the barracks, I fitted myself in my usual uniform (minus the jacket) and strapped my usual ODM gear on. Once I was all settled, I headed back out into the forest. However, I was surprised to see another figure already standing beside the first wooden Titan, leaning against the tree closest to it. I was even more surprised when I realized it was Levi, who was also dressed in his uniform and ODM gear.

I couldn’t suppress the groan that bubbled up in my throat. I really hoped he wasn’t planning on training when I was. I’d grown to enjoy my silent nights, and I wasn’t exactly eager to share them—especially with _him_ , of all people.

As I made my way closer to him, he swung his head and met my eyes. He kicked himself off the tree and faced me completely, his hands on his hips. I stopped in front of him, my hands hovering over the handles strapped on my waist.

“What do you want?” This was _my_ domain; I wasn’t about to share it with him—especially when my brother’s blood was still on his hands.

Those cold gray eyes bore into mine, and before I knew it, I was staring down one of his blades. In response, I yanked out my own, holding it out as a barrier between us.

“What’s your problem?”

“Before you even think about taking down a Titan,” he growled, his eyes slanting at me, “you have to learn how to take down a human.”

He took a step back, his blade still clutched in his hand. Meanwhile, I could only stare at him, my mouth hanging open.

“I…I thought you didn’t train other people…” _Not since Isabel and Furlan passed away._

“I don’t. But you won’t be of any use to the Scouts if you can’t properly take down a Titan.”

“I can take one down just fine, thank you very much!” My other hand itched for the second blade at my waist, but I had to fight fair. I would match him evenly for now, just to learn how he moved around. “Besides, what’s the point of fighting another human? We’re fighting Titans— _they’re_ our main threat out there.”

He scoffed, rolling his eyes. “You have to start with a smaller target. I thought you knew that, Wolf.”

I felt the blood rush to my cheeks. _Of course I knew that!_ “Fine, whatever you say.”

Throughout our training, along with the hand-to-hand combat portion (where we had to disarm each other with a wooden knife), our instructor had us practice fighting each other with the swords. Although they were specially designed for taking down Titans, they could still do a significant amount of damage to normal humans. If I wasn’t careful, I could accidentally end up slicing Levi in half.

Or worse, he could do that to me—whether by accident or not. I didn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.

I stepped forward and swung the blade at him, gritting my teeth as it clashed with his own. Vibrations danced up my arms and legs as I continued to slash at him; with each swing, small sparks and chips of metal flew out onto the ground.

I hated to admit it, but he was pretty good. He had no formal training to speak of, but he seemed to know his way around a sword. A lump formed in my throat as I remembered how he’d managed to knock both swords out of my hands with only a pocket knife, back in our first encounter in the Underground City. No wonder he was so skilled—he had to survive in that hellhole for years.

“Not bad,” he finally broke the silence, as our blades pushed against each other. “Could be worse.” It took all I had to restrain myself from curling my fingers around his throat.

He stepped back away from me, fiddling with the blade in his hand. Even in the darkness, I could see the faint bandages wrapped around his palm where I’d cut him last night. I was tempted to ask him if it hurt anymore, but I stopped myself just in time. I didn’t care about him, so why was I so concerned?

He meant nothing to me, end of story.

“Now,” he began, his eyes piercing mine once more, “try it backwards. Turn the blade in your hand and strike me.”

It took a moment for his words to sink in. He wanted me to hold the blade _backwards_ , just like he did whenever he brought down either a wooden dummy or a Titan outside the Walls. How was that even possible? Did he want me to learn that weird spinning technique he always performed so effortlessly? No thank you, I’ll pass.

I didn’t want to piss him off any more than he already was, so I switched the blade around in my grip. It was awkward, like it didn’t fit right against my skin. Usually, I would have the first two fingers of my hand lingering on the triggers of the main handles. Now, because of the strange direction, the last two fingers were against the buttons, and the other two hung out uselessly.

How did he manage to do this?

“It feels…weird…”

He grunted, shrugging his shoulders. “It gets the job done. Now attack me again. Don’t hold back.”

_Oh, I don’t plan on it._

With a growl, I slashed at him with the blade again. I wasn’t used to holding it at such an awkward angle, so my strikes weren’t as powerful as they usually were. Still, he continued to block them with ease, his eyes glinting dangerously. The smug look in those gray hues was enough to anger me all over again.

It was because of him that the remnants of my brother were now in a random Titan’s stomach. No—the blame was on _both_ of us. He had carried me away, but I hadn’t put up enough of a fight. We were both at fault; our hands were stained with Ben’s blood.

And I hated us for it. I hated him. I hated myself.

“You’re too reckless,” he muttered, holding me at bay with his own blade. “Keep it up and you’ll get yourself killed.”

“I told you, don’t worry about me!” I yanked my blade away, taking a step back. I weighed it in my hand, drumming my sweaty fingers against the handle. “I don’t need you acting as my bodyguard. I can take care of myself.”

He straightened himself up, raising an eyebrow at me. “Oh, now who’s the hypocrite here?”

“…What?” 

_What was he getting at? What did he mean by ‘hypocrite’?_ But before I could ponder over it further, he stepped closer to me, causing me to back away. The bark of a nearby tree brushed my back; the moment I held my blade out between us, he froze in his tracks.

 _Yeah, that’s right. Stay away._ I wouldn’t let him scare me like he did back in Shiganshina, when he pinned me down. I wouldn’t let something like that happen to me again. I _refused_.

“Last night you were preaching about the Scouts and teamwork, and all that bullshit.” I saw his blade lower slightly, but that didn’t make me lower my own. “Now you’re pissed that I’m actually trying to look out for you. Which is it, Wolf? You’re sending mixed signals.”

 _I could say the same about you_. But I held my tongue, opting to avoid his eyes.

Although it pained me to admit it, he was right. I _was_ being confusing. On one hand, I _did_ laud the Scouts for having each other’s backs and never leaving each other out there alone. But when Levi tried to keep an eye on me, I practically spit on him. Why was I being—for lack of a better term—a brat?

But deep down, I knew it was all because of Ben. Maybe if we hadn’t left him all alone in Shiganshina to be devoured by Titans, I would have appreciated the fact Levi had followed me all the way to Wall Maria. Maybe I could have found the good in him and actually thanked him for saving me. But Ben’s dazed eyes were still fresh in my mind, even after all this time.

I swallowed tightly and stared right into his eyes. “Ben.” My voice quivered slightly, but I did my best to ignore it. “It’s because of Ben.”

He sighed heavily, pressing his free hand to his forehead. When he spoke, his voice was so quiet I had to strain my ears to catch it. “Try to get it through your thick skull. You were going to die if I didn’t grab you in time. We couldn’t save him—I couldn’t carry you both.”

At the end of the day, I didn’t want to die. I would do everything in my power to keep myself away from death’s jaws. But at the same time, I wasn’t heartless. I tried my best to save others from death all the time—and it hurt so bad that I couldn’t do the same to my brother, my own flesh and blood.

Finally, I lowered my blade and let it sink back to my side. I leaned against the rough tree trunk, slowly sliding down the base. I sat against the tree, pulling my knees up to my chest. Tears began pooling in my eyes. Even though I shut them tightly, I knew I couldn’t hold them back. Not this time.

“…I still miss him…”

A pair of boots padded in the grass softly, and the metal surface of the ODM gear he wore scraped against the fabric of the leather straps on his thighs. When I opened my eyes, a tear slid down my cheek, right over my scar.

Levi was now kneeling in front of me, still keeping his distance from me. However, he was still close enough that I could see his eyes, which were partially hidden by his overgrown black bangs.

“I know you do. I know what it’s like, believe me.” Another tear dripped down as I thought of Furlan and Isabel. “But we have to move on. You have to keep his memory alive and carry it with you. …That’s what I have to do.”

I met his eyes the moment the confession left his lips. So he did the same thing I did with Rosalie and Emmett. He made sure his friends’ memories lived on through him. If they faded away, they would be gone forever, and the Titans would succeed. By keeping our lost loved ones in our minds, we held power over them. It was our own special way of telling them we wouldn’t go down without a fight.

That we were stronger than they thought we were.

But I wasn’t about to tell him about Rosalie and Emmett. I didn’t know if I ever would. Instead, I rubbed my fist against my eyes to try my tears, and muttered, “He was like Furlan.”

I knew it was a risky move, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. Furlan and Ben were so alike, what with their practical personalities and sharp intelligence. Not to mention the absolute love they held for their families. Whenever I saw Furlan gazing at Levi and Isabel, I saw the same look Ben usually had whenever he was with Leyna, or our parents, or even me. They were both so proud of their families, and they didn’t hesitate to put themselves in danger if it meant keeping their loved ones safe. I couldn’t even begin to count how many times Ben had defended me and Leyna against the neighborhood bullies in Ehrmich District, or idiotic cadets in the 90th Training Corps.

“Is that so?” When I turned back to Levi, I saw his eyes glazed over with sadness. He refused to meet my eyes; honestly, I couldn’t blame him. “Maybe they were similar.”

“They were,” I confirmed, feeling the heavy weight on my chest lift off a little bit. It felt good, talking about him like this. It was strangely therapeutic, even though it was Levi I was talking to. Maybe I was finally coming to terms with the fact I would never see him or hold him in my arms again. “At least, I think so.”

An awkward silence fell over us, with nothing but the soft summer wind brushing against us in the forest. My blade was still grasped in my hand, and my fingers were starting to get cramped. I kept my eyes locked on the grass before me, watching it sway in the wind. My own breaths mixed in with Levi’s soft ones, and a final tear made its way down my face.

Ben was gone. He wouldn’t be coming back. And I had to deal with that.

It wasn’t his time, but it wasn’t Dad’s time, either. Or Furlan’s, or Isabel’s, or Flagon’s, Daisy’s, and Sairam’s. Or even Rosalie’s or Emmett’s. No one deserved to die, and all of them had been taken from us way too soon. But we couldn’t do anything about it. All we could do now was make sure their memories didn’t fade away.

I bit my lip as I thought of Ben’s mysterious girlfriend, back in the Garrison. What was her name—Rico? That sounded right. Did she know he wouldn’t be coming back to her? Did she know she would no longer hug him or kiss him? How was she taking the news? Was she depressed and contemplating suicide, like so many Scouts did? Or was she taking it like a true soldier and honoring his memory by fighting against the Titans?

If so, I wanted to be like her. I wanted to be strong for Ben—and the rest of the good men and women we’d lost over the years.

Suddenly, Levi stood up in front of me, his hands on his hips. When he finally looked at me again, his gray eyes were softer than they usually were. That was a relief, at least.

“We’re done training for tonight. You’re in no mood to fight. And don’t say otherwise,” he added, just as I opened my mouth to object. “You need to relax. Follow me.”

He turned away and began walking out of the forest. Even though a small part of my mind screamed at me not to follow him, I stood up and started to jog after him. As far as I knew, he was the only one who came close to understanding the pain I was going through. We had both lost our siblings, our best friends, in similar ways. The best thing we could do right now was to stick together.

I sheathed my blade back into the holster on my waist, still following Levi. My forehead creased when I realized he was leading us to the stable, where Edel and his own horse were kept. Before entering the building through the large door in the side, he shed himself of his ODM gear. I did the same, biting my lip through it all.

What was he planning? It couldn’t be something dangerous, right?

He slid the heavy door open and stepped inside; I stayed close to him, trying to be as quiet as possible. Luckily, our horses’ stalls were close to the door, so we didn’t have far to walk. When he arrived at his black mare’s stall, where she was already poking her head out to see us, he turned to me.

“Saddle up. You could use a ride.”

For the next few minutes, the two of us tacked up our horses. Edel seemed surprised that I was visiting him so late in the night, but he didn’t object. I just had to let him rest a little more the next morning. I didn’t want to overtire him any more than I had to.

Once his saddle was on, and his bridle was strapped on his snout, I led him out of the stable. Once we were outside, Levi came out, holding the black mare’s reins. When she saw Edel beside her, she stretched out her nose to catch a whiff of his scent. In turn, Edel snorted at her, bobbing his head and swishing his tail.

 _How cute. They seem to like each other. That’s a good sign, at least_. I needed a few positive thoughts to keep me going for the rest of the night.

I pulled down the stirrups of his saddle and swung myself up onto his back. As I untangled the reins against his neck, I saw Levi pull himself onto his own horse, patting her neck once he was settled.

“Where are we headed?”

He shrugged, gripping the reins tightly. “Nowhere specific. Just enjoy it while you can.” With that, he kicked the mare in gear, and the two of them headed toward the outskirts of the base. I gave Edel a final pat on his neck before urging him on. We couldn’t let them get too far ahead of us.

The two of us—four, counting our horses—walked around the base in silence. Slowly, I felt the weight on my chest begin to lighten up. Spending time with Edel always managed to calm me down; I was amazed that Levi picked up on that, despite only knowing me for a short time. Already, he knew how much faith and love I had in my horse, and he knew how much the animal meant to me. And the fact he was keeping us company throughout the ride—

I shook my head. I couldn’t get carried away. We were far from being best buddies; I didn’t think we ever would, honestly. We were never going to be friends in the same way Hanji and I were, or the way he was with Furlan and Isabel. We could grow to tolerate each other, sure, but we wouldn’t take it further than that. I guaranteed it.

Still, it was nice that I wasn’t alone. I hated being left all by my lonesome, especially when I was such an emotional wreck. Hanji couldn’t always be there to comfort me, but there was no harm in turning to someone else when she wasn’t available. And even though I doubted this would lead to anything more, I was grateful for Levi being here.

A few minutes passed, and before I knew it, we found ourselves on the other side of the forest, on top of a ledge that hovered over the base. Down below, I could spot the main castle and the ten stables, as well as the main section of the forest we usually practiced in. If I looked close enough, I could spot the girls’ barracks, right across from the men’s barracks. The moon’s pale rays shone down, illuminating the entire base with its soft light.

I tugged on Edel’s reins, pulling him to a complete stop on the ledge. Levi did the same, urging his mare to step up beside us. The two of us stared down at the base, admiring the view in silence.

I hung my head, staring at the reins I gripped so tightly in my hands. I felt as though I should say something to him, but what? Sorry for wanting to kill you these past few days? Thanks for taking me out for a midnight ride? What could I say that didn’t sound incredibly forced?

Thankfully, I didn’t have to say anything; he was the first one to talk. “So,” he began, shifting in his saddle on my left side, “how are you feeling?”

“…A little better.” But I couldn’t force out the phrase “thank you,” no matter how hard I tried.

“…You want to talk about it?”

“Uh, what?”

He scoffed lightly, rolling his eyes. It was nearly impossible to shake off that arrogant, annoyed personality of his, wasn’t it? “I don’t know, what cheers you up? Any memories of your brother that you want to share? What’ll make you feel better?”

Oh, I had so many stories of Ben to choose from. There was the time he and his friend Blaise Becker crashed into each other the first time they used their ODM gear, back in our cadet days. Once we were certain neither of them were seriously hurt, Leyna and I had doubled over laughing. Needless to say, neither boy was impressed with us that day. For a week, they were the laughing stock of the entire corps. Ironically, they had managed to become the most skilled with the ODM gear in our class.

Then there was the time Ben had offered to tutor me in our math class, back at our school in Shiganshina. Math was my worst subject by far, but Ben excelled at it. When Ma and Dad had approved of it, Ben and I would sit down at the kitchen table with a math textbook opened in between us. He would walk me through each problem I struggled with, gently pointing out any mistakes and correcting me when I managed to get the wrong answer. Whenever I caught myself and ended up with the right one, his eyes lit up and he cheered so loudly Leyna yelled at us from the room next door. He was a good teacher; Dad had mentioned he should go into teaching, but he insisted on joining me and Leyna in the military.

“Well…” A soft smile appeared on my face as the memories crashed over me. “He was a great guy. In fact, he was the spitting image of our father. He was really smart in the classroom, but he was strong with ODM gear. He could also take down opponents single-handedly in hand-to-hand combat. There was nothing he couldn’t do.”

Maybe I was overreacting, since his death still hurt, and I missed him so much. But it was true, to an extent. There was no one quite like Ben, and there never would be. He was one of a kind, and no one could replace him in my heart.

Back when I was nineteen, and Dad had recently passed away, Ma had spoken about a special hole that formed in your heart whenever you lost someone you loved. When they died, the part of your heart that was saved for them ripped up in their shape, and no matter how hard you tried, you could never fill that hole the same way ever again. It was meant for them and them alone.

By now, too many holes had been engraved in my heart. Still, I had to go on. If not for myself, then for Ben and Dad, and Hanji, and the Scouts I had lost.

I had almost forgotten Levi was next to me. When he turned to me, I nearly jumped out of my saddle. “If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly happened to your father?”

My jaw dropped. “W-what?” _Where did **that** come from?! We’re talking about Ben, not Dad! Where would he come up with that question?!_

“Hanji mentioned you looked up to him, even though he had some kind of accident.”

 _Damn it, Hanji!_ She had told him all of that?! I couldn’t believe it! I trusted her!

“If you don’t want to answer, you don’t have to. I—”

“N-no, it’s fine,” I hastily spit out, diverting my eyes from his. “I just…wasn’t expecting that. It was a little out of the blue.”

I couldn’t fault him for wondering about Dad. He had spent roughly a year with us in the Survey Corps, and my father was somewhat of a legend. Of course he would hear the name _Alexander Wolf_ some time or another and grow interested. And with Hanji’s big mouth, he would confront me about it eventually.

I just didn’t expect it to happen now, of all times. But either way, I was going to answer him.

“He was a famous Scout a few years ago,” I stared, reaching over and grazing my hand along Edel’s neck. “Probably the best they’ve ever seen, next to Commander Shadis and Commander Erwin. He could take down Titans with a single stroke. He was amazing.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I had told this story before, but this was always the hardest part to relay.

“Then, something happened when he was on an expedition. When we were eight, he left Shiganshina with the rest of the Scouts, and they came across a strange Titan. It must have been an Abnormal.” No need to dwell on it; it would only reopen old wounds of Flagon’s squad, and Isabel and Furlan. “His legs were bitten off. He managed to survive, but he couldn’t walk anymore. The Scouts made him retire early, so he moved back home with us in Shiganshina.”

Levi hummed softly, and his black mare leaned down to nibble at the grass below. Edel joined her, and their snouts bumped against each other. “He managed to survive his legs getting bitten off? He must have had a strong will to live. He wanted to come back home to you guys.”

I couldn’t help but smile at his words. _Yeah, he did_. “He lived for another eleven years, but then he got an infection in his legs. We were sad, but he didn’t seem to have any regrets. He was at peace. And even though I miss him…I can’t ask for anything more than that.”

If my father did have to die, I wanted him to go without any pain or fear of the unknown. Thankfully, he did just that, drying our tears as we huddled around his bed in his final moments. He always put on a brave face for his family, and that never changed, even when we were all adults. In his eyes, we were still the same five-year-olds that begged him to tell us bedtime stories.

And now, he was with Ben. I gazed up at the stars above, finding the two brightest ones instantly. Were they looking down at us? Were they with Rosalie and Emmett? With Flagon, Sairam, and Daisy? With Isabel and Furlan? If so, I hoped he would be able to meet Furlan. The two of them would’ve gotten along, I was sure of it.

Levi and I stayed on the ledge for a few more minutes, simply enjoying the silence of the summer night. Finally, he pulled his mare up and away, motioning to me over his shoulder.

“We should head back. Don’t want anyone to find out we left.”

No, we didn’t. With a nod, I followed him down the ledge, urging Edel to his mare’s side. The two horses seemed to really enjoy each other’s company; Edel was a lot smoother underneath me than he usually was at night. Having the extra company seemed to make him feel at ease.

 _Well, at least our horses seem to be friends_. But could the same be said about us? Would we ever be considered friends?

I wouldn’t hold my breath. This was a one-time thing, nothing more, nothing less. I couldn’t get my hopes up.

“By the way,” Levi spoke up as we neared the stables, “I thought about what you said—about the horse.” His eyes darted to the black mare underneath him, who swished her tail happily. “What do you think of Mischa?”

 _He was actually naming his horse!_ I smiled at the name. _Mischa, huh?_ “It sounds nice. I think it suits her.” It was simple yet beautiful, not too fancy, but still elegant in its own way. It was similar to Edel’s name: short, sweet, and unique.

He nodded at me, his face unreadable. Then, as we pulled our horses to a stop and jumped off, he turned to face me fully. I felt my cheeks heat up at the intense way he was staring at me.

“You up for the same thing tomorrow night? Training, I mean.”

I partially hid my face behind Edel’s head, feeling the blush spread to my ears and neck. Was he really offering to train me? This wasn’t just a one-time thing? Was this going to become a routine for us?

“Ah…yeah, if you want to.”

“Tch, I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want to, you brat.”

Suddenly, he reached over and ruffled my hair—the same way he used to do with Isabel. The same way Ben used to do to me. I could only stare at him, slack-jawed and silent.

“Get some sleep, Wolf. You need it.”

I bit back a whimper when he retreated his hand from my head. I stared after him as he led Mischa back into the stable, disappearing into the darkness. Meanwhile, Edel bumped my back with his huge nose, as if to say, _“What was that, buddy?”_

“I…I don’t know, Edel.” What’s worse was that I actually _enjoyed_ him ruffling my hair like that.

_Levi, you keep confusing me to no end, and I’m not sure whether or not I like it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, Mia's getting so confused... On one hand, she wants to hate Levi, but on the other hand, she can't help but feel drawn to him. At least she's comfortable enough around him to tell him about her brother and father. 
> 
> Even though it's only mentioned briefly, I really enjoy writing the relationship between Mia and her father. He's her role model, and she's seen as a younger version of him, even when she's an adult herself. This will come up in later chapters, especially when she starts looking into his past as a Scout. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Again, thank you so much for reading! :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was a little nervous about posting this chapter, even though it was a lot of fun to write. It's fluffier than usual, and it marks the beginning of Mia's struggle with sorting out her feelings toward Levi. I can't say anymore than that - you'll see. This is also where the story starts touching on its sensual content...so you have been warned! It won't get heavy until later on in the story, but you know, Mia has some imagination. ;) 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

|XVI|

For the next two nights, our routine stayed the same. I would meet Levi at the edge of the forest, and he would help me practice my backward swings. It took a lot of energy and time, but I was slowly getting better at them. Now, it didn’t feel as awkward to have my last two fingers against the triggers.

We usually trained in silence, with the occasional comment from my new teacher. It would still take a while before I was able to learn his weird spinning trick, but I could wait. One thing at a time.

As far as I knew, no one else was aware of our secret meetings at night—and I planned to keep it that way. With each day I spent in his company, I no longer resented Levi as much as I used to, but still, I didn’t want the other Scouts to know we were always hanging out. No need to encourage rumors of any sort. And I didn’t want to give Hanji any more unnecessary ammunition to use against me.

On the morning of the third day, I busied myself in the medical wing, taking care of some of the paperwork Lina had left for me while she was out in Trost for the day. Luckily, the wing was mostly empty, save for a pair of soldiers who were suffering from headaches. They reclined in separate beds in the main room, fast asleep. Not wanting to bother them, I decided to migrate to Lina’s office. I knew she wouldn’t mind; I’d been in there before.

Her office wasn’t too small, but it was packed with bookcases and shelves, filled with books, pill bottles, reference sheets, and other items. A small brown desk rested in front of the window, and I felt the warm morning sunlight spill onto my back as I sat down. All in all, it was a rather comfy office. I was honestly a little jealous.

Most Squad Leaders had an office of their own, but I never made it that far. I hadn’t stayed with Rosalie and Emmett long enough to actually clean out the room in the castle and style it as a proper office. Apparently the room was still there, empty of any inhabitants. I hadn’t returned to it since I saw Rosalie and Emmett get eaten by an Abnormal.

I shut my eyes tightly. I didn’t need to think of them right now. I was still hurting over Ben—it wouldn’t do me any good to dwell on the past. Right now, I had to focus.

As I scrawled the little pen across the parchment, a knock at the door filled my ears. A few seconds later, as I hurried with the sentence I was jotting down, another one sounded—this one harsher than the first.

“I know, I’ll be right there!” I rolled my eyes and stood up from my seat. Some people had no patience these days.

I ran to the door and opened it up—immediately, my jaw dropped at the Scout on the other side. Levi’s hand was wrapped around his upper left arm, right below his shoulder. A dark shadow started to form underneath his fingers. Although his face remained as stoic as ever, I could tell he was in pain.

“Uh…what’s wrong?” 

“What does it look like?” he grumbled, his eyes slanting into a harsh glare. “Your shitty friend ran into me while she was training, nicked me with her blade. Damn moron should watch where she’s going.”

I had to act fast. From what I could tell, the blood on his arm was already spreading. I didn’t even know if it had been a clean cut.

“Ah, okay, well… Come on in. I’ll be right with you.”

Once he was inside, I shut the door behind him, leaving only a small crack open. As he lingered near the desk, I shed my jacket and draped it over the papers I was currently working on. I rolled up my sleeves and held my hands under the small water spout in the corner, rinsing my hands.

As I dried them with a towel, I caught his disapproving stare. I rolled my eyes. “Of course I’m going to wash my hands. I’m not that stupid.” His freaky obsession with cleanliness knew no bounds, it seemed.

Once they were dry, I grabbed a roll of bandages, a patch of gauze, a fresh towel, and some disinfectant wipes from the nearby shelf. All the while, I felt his eyes burning into my back. It unnerved me to no end, but I kept my mouth shut.

“Where’s the other girl?”

“You mean Dr. Stuber? She’s out in Trost—she had to check on one of our Scouts stationed there with his family.” With the supplies in my arms, I dragged a spare chair over to the front of the desk. “Don’t worry, I can patch you up. Now sit.”

With a grunt, he complied, wincing and tightening his hold on his arm. “Damn four-eyed bitch. She got me good.”

“Yeah, we get it, accidents happen. Now stop insulting her,” I snapped, ripping open a package of wipes.

Although, I had to admit, it was weird that Hanji was the one who had accidentally hit him. Despite her wild attitude and overexcited personality, she was always careful during her training. It was all a game to her, but she still took precautions (maybe not to the extent that Moblit and I would’ve preferred, but it was a start). People crashed into each other during training all the time, but it was never Hanji who found herself in those situations.

 _Was she angry at him? Was she just not paying attention?_ It just didn’t sound like her. I shook my head; I could ask her about it later.

“Move your hand.” When he shot me another glare, I gladly returned it. “Come on, I can’t help you if you don’t let me see it.”

He muttered something under his breath before letting his hand drop to his lower arm. There was a clean tear in both his jacket and gray shirt. The cut itself was pretty shallow, but it was longer than I’d thought. I couldn’t clean it without—

“Uh…you’re gonna have to take off your jacket for me.” The moment I felt my cheeks heat up, I lowered my eyes to the floor. “It’s too long. I can’t clean it if the sleeve’s in the way.”

“Tch, whatever.”

A moment later, his jacket was off and folded neatly on the desk, right next to mine. I turned back to the cut on his arm, trying not to stare at how well that gray shirt fit his body.

Don’t get me wrong—I was _not_ interested in him that way, no matter what Hanji insisted. But I wasn’t going to deny the fact he was well-built…and maybe even a little attractive. But that was surface-level only. I was a typical girl—I could acknowledge whenever a man in front of me was good looking.

Suddenly, he turned away from me and began unbuttoning his shirt. _You’ve got to be kidding me!_ “H-hey, what are you—”

“I don’t want to get any more blood on it. It’s hard enough to wash out.”

I stared at him, absolutely mortified, as he slipped his shirt off his shoulders. To add insult to injury, he also untied his white cravat, exposing his entire upper half to me. I blushed even harder when I realized I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his collarbone.

I won’t lie: the man was _stunning_. His chest was tight and well-defined, and he had a strong six-pack. He was surprisingly muscular, despite his smaller size. He wasn’t bulky, like Ben used to be, but there was still power behind him. His arms were traced with veins and small white scars. The longer I stared at him, the more I thought about what he had been forced to endure in his old life in the Underground City.

It wasn’t as though I hadn’t seen a shirtless guy before (Jax used to take his shirt off all the time whenever the two of us would work out), but it was the first time I’d seen one up close like this. I swallowed tightly, willing the redness on my face to go away.

_Come on, you still have to work._

Levi hissed as I dragged the disinfectant wipe along his cut, trying to clear off the blood. “I know,” I murmured, keeping my eyes trained on his skin, “it stings. It’ll feel better soon, though.”

It took a few seconds to clean out the cut as much as I could, but it was difficult when it kept leaking out blood. Thankfully, it wasn’t deep enough to require stitches, but it was still a pain to deal with. As I discarded the wipes and held the gauze against the cut, I snatched the roll of bandages off the desk.

“Hold this, please.” To my relief, he didn’t protest.

I knelt down and tore a long strip off the roll of bandages. Slowly, I began to wrap it around his arm. My fingers brushed against Levi’s as the bandage trailed over the patch of gauze. I tried my best to ignore them as I wrapped the bandage around his upper arm.

“There, it should be good for now,” I said, tying the bandage off. “It’s not too deep, so it’ll heal up in a day or so. Just try not to irritate it too much, or else it’ll start bleeding again.” The blood flow had finally stopped, but it wasn’t permanent. Even the slightest brush against it could make it start up again.

He hummed softly, hanging his head and staring at me with those gray hues. When I met them, I felt my breath hitch in my throat. I could see those soft blue flecks in them again.

_Stop it! You don’t need to deal with this right now!_

“Ah, well…” Clearing my throat, I straightened myself up, rolling up the bandages in my hands. “You should be good to go for now. Come back later if it starts bleeding again. Still, you should have Dr. Stuber take a look at it when she gets back tonight. It doesn’t look like it’s infected, but better safe than sorry.”

I walked back over to the desk, dropping the extra bloody wipes into the trash can next to it. As I gathered up the extra bandages and gauze, I saw his gray shirt resting delicately on the surface, right next to his jacket. There was a small patch of blood on the left sleeve, and the tear was pretty deep. No doubt his jacket had a similar rip in the same place.

“I can patch these up for you real quick, if you want me to.”

The moment the words left my mouth, I felt like kicking myself. What was I doing?! Did I really want him lingering around here anymore than he had to, especially when he was _shirtless_?

He raised his eyebrow at me, and I felt my cheeks redden once more. He stood up from the chair, grazing his fingers over his bandaged arm. It was a chore to keep my eyes off his abdomen.

“It won’t take too long. And I can rinse the blood out, so you don’t have to deal with it later.” _What is wrong with me?! Shut up, you idiot!_

But it was too late. He shrugged his shoulders gently and replied with, “Fine. Do what you want.”

Before I knew it, I was rummaging around the desk drawers, trying to find a needle and some thread. Finally I found some, in the third draw on the right side, and placed them on the desk. But when I reached for his shirt, he grabbed it before me and pulled it close to his chest.

“I can do it. I’m not _that_ injured.”

“Uh, you’re right…” I cast my eyes downward, staring at my boots. “Let me know if you need any…any help.”

He grunted again before walking over to the water spout. A moment later, the sound of light scrubbing filled the air. To pass the time, I began filing the abandoned paperwork on Lina’s desk.

As I shoved the completed sheets into their respective flaps of leather, I found myself gazing up at my patient. I bit my lip hard when I saw just how muscular his back was—and my chest hurt when I realized how many scars and faded bruises littered his skin.

I pressed a hand to my forehead, squeezing my eyes shut. What was wrong with me? Why was I acting like a shy schoolgirl all of a sudden? Was it just because he was shirtless, and I’d never seen a guy’s bare chest up close before? Or was it the fact it was him? Would I have gotten this flustered if it were any other Scout, like Erwin or Mike?

I didn’t know, and that _terrified_ me.

_Hanji, I’m going to kill you for putting me in this situation._

My eyes fell on one particular scar on the back of his right shoulder, which stretched all the way to his neck and disappeared toward the front of his body. I could only imagine how he’d gotten a scar like that in the first place. It seemed deliberate, evil—almost like someone had it out for him. I shuddered at the possibility. The Underground was full of nasty, wretched people who never accomplished a single good deed in their lives. I was just thankful Levi, Isabel, and Furlan had been able to get out, even if it had only been for a short while.

“Stop staring. It’s getting on my nerves.”

I squeaked, burying my face in my hands. “I…I wasn’t staring! Cut it out! …Just finish washing that so I can sew it!”

I didn’t even want to know if he was looking over his shoulder at me or not. I was too embarrassed to make eye contact—hell, I couldn’t even look in his general direction at this point! I swallowed the lump in my throat, praying my blush would vanish soon.

_I’m such an idiot! I have to get a grip! So what if he’s physically attractive? Half the guys in the Survey Corps are—it’s just natural at this point!_

But there was a tiny part of me that was convinced that, if it were any other soldier in front of me right now, with his bare, muscular back facing me, I wouldn’t be this hot and bothered.

After what felt like an eternity, the water finally stopped, and he wrung out the wet sleeve over the basin. I nearly choked on my own breath when he spun around and walked toward me, holding out his shirt. Only a small part of the sleeve was damp, but not too damp that I couldn’t sew it up right now.

A sharp gasp passed my lips as he handed me his shirt, his fingers brushing against mine. At my reaction, he scoffed and rolled his eyes; my face grew even warmer under his scathing look.

“Get over yourself, Wolf. Don’t act like it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”

“B-but it _is_!” I blurted out, shielding my eyes with my hand. “I haven’t…it’s just…”

I snapped my mouth shut just in time. There was no way in hell I was telling him that I was still a virgin—and I would gladly die before I let him find out about my past experience (or lack thereof) with guys, Jax in particular. That was none of his business.

“You’ll gladly run into danger and put your life on the line, but _this_ is where you draw the line?” He was probably motioning to himself, but I didn’t dare move my hand to look. “Give me a break.”

“Whatever.” I had to sew his shirt up. The sooner I did, the sooner he could get out of here. And honestly, that was probably the best for us at the moment. With each passing moment, I felt myself grow even more uncomfortable.

He grabbed his jacket just as I sat down at the desk, preparing a gray thread on the needle. Once it was tied through, I smoothed out the fabric of the sleeve and began feeding it through.

Ma had taught both me and Leyna how to sew, just in case either of us needed to know how to in the future. Her mother—my grandmother—had managed a small shop in Ehrmich District that sold shirts, dresses, and other small accessories. Before she met Dad, Ma had helped her out at the shop, and she intended to pass her skills down to her children one day. I didn’t care much for sewing—Leyna was more interested in it than I was—but it was a useful skill to know, especially with our jobs as soldiers, where we were always tearing our clothes in either training or out in the field.

The more I focused on the thread in front of me, the more I felt at ease. I had to be careful—I had pricked myself way too many times in the past—so it needed my full attention. I couldn’t get distracted by anything right now.

The blood around the tear had been scrubbed out, more or less, but it wasn’t as noticeable as it once was. A few more thorough washes would clean it out for good, but there was no need to put off sewing it up. I didn’t want the tear to grow worse with the unneeded friction.

Finally, the rip was sealed, and I pulled the thread tight. With a snap of my teeth, the thread came undone, the torn sleeve now secured in its usual place. Just as I set it on the desk, Levi handed me his jacket, his eyes expressionless.

“It’s done. I’m not an expert, but it’s better than it was.”

He nodded, holding the shirt up. “It’s fine. …Thank you.” I hummed in response, trying to keep my focus on the jacket’s sleeve. However, another blush began to rise up on my cheeks, to my annoyance.

I have to stop. It’s not healthy, especially when we’re talking about him!

Suddenly, the door burst open, and Hanji stood in the doorframe, breathing heavily. Her eyes widened when she saw both me and Levi, who was currently in the process of buttoning his shirt back up. Her lips automatically pulled up into a cheeky smile as she stared at us even longer.

“Oh, I’m sorry, am I interrupting anything?”

“Stop it, Hanji!” I snapped at her, pulling the thread through the tear a little too roughly. My face felt as though it was on fire at this point. I could only take so much embarrassment in one day—and it wasn’t even noon yet! “What did you do to Levi earlier? Maybe you should apologize for crashing into him and slicing him up.”

“But I already did!” she whined. I stifled a laugh when his expression told me otherwise. “I didn’t mean to hit you, it just happened!”

“Whatever. Watch where you’re going next time, shitty glasses,” he growled, finishing the final buttons on his shirt. I let out a soft sigh when his chest was finally covered. _It’s about damn time!_

Hanji came closer to me, and I couldn’t help but smirk when I saw Levi take a step away from her, his hips bumping against the edge of the desk. She was a little off-putting, I’ll admit it, and watching someone as stoic as him react to her in such a way almost made me laugh out loud. But I knew if I did, I would be met with a punch to the face.

“I didn’t know you were in here, Mia. Filling in for Dr. Stuber?”

“Yes,” I answered, finishing the final stitch in the jacket’s sleeve. “I thought I’d told you before you left for training.”

“Huh… I don’t remember that.”

I nearly dropped the needle at the tone of her voice. I slowly looked up at her, my blood pounding in my ears. Her eyes were full of mischief—that was her “I know what I did” look. I had seen it one too many times over the years we’d been friends.

She remembered that I would be in the medical wing today. And she’d decided to do something about it.

But I couldn’t yell at her right now, not in front of Levi. So instead, I turned back to his jacket, finishing up the thread a few seconds later. When it was pulled tight, I bit down on it, letting the tiny remnant hang down loosely.

“Here you go. It’s all set.”

Levi took it without hesitation, giving me a small nod. “I appreciate it.”

I nodded, trailing my eyes down to the mountain of paperwork resting in front of me. “Don’t mention it.”

I could practically feel Hanji’s knowing smirk melting into me, but I refused to meet her eyes. I would berate her the moment Levi left the room. I just had to keep it together a little while longer.

Just as Levi reached the door, however, he turned back to me, ignoring Hanji altogether. “Are we still on for tonight?”

My jaw dropped. Why mention that in front of Hanji?! I thought we were trying to keep it a secret! But apparently, I was the only one of us who actually cared about privacy among the Scouts. He couldn’t seem to care less.

“Uh…y-yes, I’ll meet you there.” He nodded, his gray eyes glinting in my direction, before walking out of the room.

The moment he was in the hall, Hanji slammed the door shut. With her back pressed against it, she stared at me with huge goggled eyes, a smile on her face.

“A romantic midnight rendezvous, huh?”

I shot up from my seat, smacking my hands on the desk harshly. “Shut up! You sent him here on purpose! You knew I was working here today, so you hurt him on purpose just to get me to spend time with him!”

“Maybe I did,” she said proudly, crossing her arms over her chest, “but from the looks of it, you didn’t need my help at all. You already managed to snag a date with him!”

“It’s not a date, damn it! We’ve just been training.”

“Oh, _really_?” Her pale face inched closer to my own—a perfect contrast to my crimson one. “And how long has this been going on? I thought you weren’t talking to him. What changed?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Nothing…”

But I knew there was no point in keeping secrets from her for too long. She would find out eventually, and when she did, she was insufferable. Better to tell her sooner rather than later, right?

“…Well, I’ve been training alone for the past couple nights, and he found me out in the forest. We said some things…nothing interesting,” I added quickly, glaring at her. “Anyway, he offered to train me. He’s been teaching me how to wield a blade backwards. I think he’s going to try to teach me that weird spinning technique he uses to take down Titans.”

“Interesting,” she said, nodding slowly. “I mean, there’s no doubt you would be more effective with a style like that. It relies on speed rather than brute strength, and you’re both on the shorter side, so it’s only logical to fight that way.” She ignored my pout as she mentioned my size. “But in all seriousness…you’re okay, right? He hasn’t done anything to hurt you, right? He’s kept his…hands to himself?”

I knew she was thinking of Jax, and she had every right to be worried for me. The last romantic encounter—if you could even call it that—I had with a guy was when he’d tried to rape me. Ever since then, while I was comfortable around most guys, she still looked out for me.

“No, it’s nothing like that,” I told her, patting her shoulder.

Although I didn’t know him all that well, something told me Levi wasn’t like that. Judging by his friendship with Furlan and Isabel, he wasn’t mean-spirited or demanding like Jax was. Sure, he was a jerk most of the time, and he was always teasing me, but he’d never gone out of his way to hurt me in any way. Except…maybe when he pinned me down in Shiganshina, to hold me back from going after the Titan that ate Ben.

But now that I thought about it, I realized that the moment I froze up underneath him, his grip on my wrists loosened a bit. And when he comforted me a few nights ago, in the forest after our first sparring session, he kept his distance. Almost like he knew I was uncomfortable with physical contact.

My heart leapt in my throat. He didn’t suspect anything like that, did he? No, there was no way. He probably thought I just didn’t like to be touched in general. He couldn’t have linked it back to a bad experience with a guy…right?

I hoped not. No one needed to know about that, not even Levi. That secret was between me and Hanji, and no one else.

“Well, you know if he tries anything, you just tell me, and I’ll kick his short little ass for you, okay?”

I cracked a smile at Hanji’s words, and she rubbed my head affectionately. Although I enjoyed the motion, I didn’t feel the same excitement I did when Levi did it a few nights ago.

|~|

Sneaking out of the dorm that night was trickier than usual, since Hanji wouldn’t go to sleep. She kept bothering me about my meeting with Levi all throughout dinner (not caring that he was there to begin with), and when we settled down in bed, it only grew worse. When she attempted to crawl down into my own bed, I had to put my foot down.

“Absolutely not, Zoë.” I rarely used her last name, but when I did, she knew I meant business. She slunk back up to her top bunk, a dejected look on her face. With a sigh, I pressed my hand to my forehead. “Listen, will you go to sleep if I leave right now? And you promise not to follow me?”

By now, the other girls in the barracks were asleep, so I only had to worry about my bespectacled friend. I wouldn’t put it past her to try to follow me, to both spy on me and keep an eye out for me. I appreciated the latter, but I had to draw the line somewhere.

She huffed, flopping back down on her bed. “Fine, go ahead. You better tell me all about it tomorrow morning!”

“I will.” But I didn’t think there would be much to tell; these past couple nights with Levi had been either silent or filled with petty insults. For my sake, I hoped it was the former. He knew how flustered I was earlier, back in the medical wing, and I knew he was planning on using that against me.

Just as I pulled my boots on and adjusted my straps, her snores began to fill the air. I rolled my eyes and plucked her glasses off of her face once more, resting them on the bedside table next to our bunk.

“Sweet dreams, Han.” I blew her a quiet kiss before heading out of the barracks.

The night was cooler than usual—summer was slowly coming to an end. Soon, it would be autumn, and the leaves would be changing color. My throat tightened as I realized this would be my first autumn season without my brother.

 _No, stop it._ I couldn’t think about that now. Levi already had too much to use against me tonight, I couldn’t give him anything else.

Once I reached the castle and retrieved my ODM gear, I headed toward the forest as quietly as I could. I kept my eyes peeled for any soldiers lurking about the base at this time of night. It was close to midnight, and most of them were already asleep, but I couldn’t dismiss the fact that Hanji’s big mouth had accidentally informed some of them about my meeting with Levi tonight.

A few minutes had passed before I finally saw him in the forest, leaning against the usual tree. At the sound of my footsteps, he pushed himself off and turned to face me, his hand reaching for one of the handles at his waist. I did the same, attaching it to a blade and taking it out.

“I’m sorry about Hanji earlier,” I muttered, shaking my head. “She can get way too excitable sometimes—she tends to get carried away in her own little world. Sorry if she made you uncomfortable.”

He took out his own blade, brushing it against mine. “I’m used to it at this point. I don’t think she’s going to change any time soon.”

“No, she won’t,” I laughed breathlessly. And despite all her faults, I was thankful for that. She would always be my strange, intelligent, off-the-walls-crazy best friend.

I switched the blade in my hand, so the edge was facing out toward my opponent. When he nodded to me, I stepped forward and began slashing at him. Although he blocked them with ease, I could tell he was impressed. I was getting better—I could feel it in my arms. The blade was starting to feel natural in my hand, but it would still be a while before I could wield two at a time like this.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t as distracted as I thought I’d be. Not once did I think of our earlier experience in the medical wing, and he didn’t bring it up at all. We just focused on fighting each other, hidden by the shadows of the trees around us.

“You’re getting better,” he finally spoke, blocking my blade with his own. I smiled at the praise, breathing heavily as sweat slid down the back of my neck.

“Thanks.” With a grunt, I swung my arm back again, clashing our blades together once more. Sparks flew from the metal edges, serving as the only flickers of light in the dark forest.

|~|

The moon was still high in the sky when we decided to call it a night. The two of us were sweaty and exhausted, but overall, it felt like a productive night. My arm still ached from swinging the blade around in every other direction, but I knew it would pay off in the end.

Upon reaching the castle, and storing our ODM gear back in their proper places, I found myself craving a drink. I bit my lip before turning to my black-haired instructor. “I’m in the mood for a drink. Wanna come?”

His eyebrow shot up at my question; I could barely see it behind his overgrown bangs. “A drink?”

“Sheesh, I don’t mean alcohol. Come on, let’s go!”

He didn’t have time to protest, because I grabbed his wrist and began pulling him (gently, of course) out of the castle. But he didn’t fight back, so I took that as a good sign.

The two of us made it to the mess hall, and I immediately headed for the kitchen. A basin with a water spout was resting in the far corner, so I began to fill one of the pots with water. Then, I left it on the nearby counter and began rummaging around the cupboard for two clean cups.

“What do you want to drink?” I planned to just have water, since I couldn’t stomach anything else when I was this burnt out.

He was suddenly next to me, dragging his hand along the counter. “Tea will be fine,” he said, grimacing at the trace of dust on his pointer finger. “Tch, disgusting.”

“Yeah, well, we can’t always keep it as spotless as you’d like it to be,” I shot back. But there wasn’t any malice in my tone, which surprised me. Usually his weird cleaning habits annoyed me to no end—but now I was _teasing_ him about them.

_Ugh, what’s happening to me?_

I managed to find two teacups in the cupboard, along with the box of black tea, and set them along the counter. Ma always enjoyed drinking tea, especially in the winter. All three of us, along with Dad, knew how to make her the perfect cup of tea. While she said we all made it fine, and that she couldn’t pick someone who made it better, Dad claimed to make the absolute best, which usually led to arguments between him and Leyna, who insisted she was the queen of making tea for Ma. Meanwhile, Ben and I simply watched in silence, passing Ma our own cups of tea. It didn’t matter to me who made the best; as long as Ma was happy, that was good enough for me.

After rinsing the teacups under the spout, I poured one with just water, and then placed the pot on the stove. Luckily, there was already some wood and coal inside the furnace, so it didn’t take long for it to heat up. As I waited for the water to boil, I leaned against the counter, crossing my arms over my chest. Levi was already seated at the table, with his chin resting on his hand, seemingly lost in thought.

I quickly looked away the moment his eyes met mine, pretending to busy myself with the cups on the counter. I gulped down a mouthful of water from my cup, willing the heat in my face to go away.

Finally, the water was boiling up, so I began to mix the tea leaves in with it. It would take a few minutes to simmer—I had to pass the time somehow. But I couldn’t work up the courage to actually start a conversation with Levi. When I looked back at him, I swallowed hard when I saw that his eyes were still focused on me.

“Stop it,” I muttered, feeling my neck and face grow even hotter. “You’re distracting me.”

“Oh, like I did earlier, when you were patching me up?”

I stiffened, fighting the urge to tug at the collar of my shirt. Maybe it was the boiling tea— _yeah, that’s it, it has to be_ —but the room suddenly felt a lot warmer. _He did not just say that, please tell me he did not just say that!_

“S-stop it… I just wasn’t…expecting you…” _To look like **that**_ , I wanted to finish, but I was sure I would die of embarrassment the moment the words left my lips.

It wasn’t my fault he was naturally good looking! I was just a victim in this situation—a poor, helpless damsel, if you would. It was normal for girls to get flustered over handsome men—especially when they started stripping in front of them with no warning whatsoever!

He scoffed, and I heard his chair scrape the floor. _Oh God, don’t tell me he’s—_

“You seemed pretty bothered earlier, in the medical wing.” I fought back a squeak as he leaned against the counter—not too close to me, but close enough to make me flustered. “You want to tell me about it?”

“N-no, I really don’t,” I muttered, fiddling with my teacup. Only a little longer before the tea would be ready. Hopefully I could hold out that long.

A low chuckle rumbled from his chest; I was so startled by the sound I gazed up at him, meeting his eyes. Now, they were more of a silver shade. I didn’t know if that was because of the lighting in the room, or the fact he had actually _laughed_.

“Aw, look at you,” he crooned, sending shivers up my arms. “You’re so flustered. It’s okay, I won’t tease you too much.”

 _Yeah, it’s a little too late for that._ But I simply nodded, turning away from those mysterious hues.

Thank the Walls, the tea began to boil a second later. I lowered the heat on the stove and grabbed a nearby towel, using it as a barrier for the pot so I wouldn’t burn myself. I swiped the empty teacup and filled it close to the brim, my face burning all the while.

“Here you go.” I kept my eyes down as I handed him the cup, which he took by the top half instead of the handle. “There’s more in the pot if you want it. Just don’t burn yourself.”

“Thanks for the warning. I wouldn’t want to be as red as you are right now.”

“Cut it out!”

The two of us sat adjacent from each other at the table, quietly sipping our drinks. Slowly, my blush began to disappear, and my confidence began to resurface. I couldn’t let him boss me around and tease me like this all the time, or else I’d never earn his respect. He would always think it was okay to walk all over me, and I couldn’t allow that.

So I cleared my throat after my most recent sip and placed my cup down. It took me a while to gather myself, but when I did, I felt a lot better.

“Okay, it’s your turn.”

He raised his eyebrow. “For what?” Thankfully, the thrill of teasing me seemed to be gone from his eyes.

“I mean, I told you about my dad a few nights ago, and now it’s your turn. Tell me something from _your_ past.”

The muscles in his shoulders stiffened, and he let the cup linger near his lips. “I don’t think so.”

“Oh, come on! That’s not fair!” I was practically whining at this point. “I told you about my past, now you have to do the same!”

“I don’t _have_ to do anything, brat.”

The smug, borderline flirty Levi from just a few minutes ago was gone, now replaced with his usual jerkish self. While I was relieved that the teasing had stopped for him, I wished I could find a healthy, more approachable balance with him. He was always so distant and cold, and it irritated me to no end.

“You don’t have to tell me much. Just tell me about…”

I rummaged through my brain, trying to think of topics that weren’t so touchy for him. Childhood and parents were out of the question, as well as the numerous scars on his back I’d seen earlier. So that left me with only one option—well, more like two.

“What about Isabel and Furlan? Don’t you have any funny stories of them when you were all living in the Underground?”

He remained silent. For a moment, I thought I’d gone too far, but then he rested his teacup back on the table and sighed. I couldn’t help but feel a little prideful when I saw that the tea in his cup was nearly gone.

“Not really. It wasn’t exactly a fun place to live in. Why do you want to know, anyway?”

I shrugged my shoulders, swishing the last of my water around in my cup. “I don’t know… It’s just, well… I have so many fun stories of Leyna and Ben, and I was wondering if…if you had any of those with Isabel and Furlan.”

An awkward silence passed between us for the longest few seconds of my life. And then, he groaned in defeat, running a hand through his black locks. “You’re a pain in the ass, you know that?”

“I’ll take that as a compliment, thank you.”

“Tch, cheeky little brat.” He shook his head before leaning back in his seat, his eyes roaming up to the ceiling. “I’ll tell you one story, and then that’s it. Deal?”

“Fine, deal.” It was the best I was going to get out of him tonight, anyway.

He nodded, turning his gaze back to mine. “There was that one night when one of the water barrels we had stocked up on the second floor began leaking. I went to move it, but when I did the floor gave out from under me. I ended up landing on the first floor, right into Isabel’s room.”

I winced, trying my best to hold back a giggle. “That must’ve hurt…” But still, it was kind of funny, imagining this stoic, emotionless shell of a man in such a situation.

“Oh, that’s not the best part,” he replied sarcastically, resting his elbows on the table. “When Isabel saw me, she automatically thought I was a monster. Apparently Furlan had told her some story about a monster that comes out at night just to scare her, and the brat believed every word.”

This time, I didn’t even bother trying to hold my laugh back. But before it got too out of control, I covered my mouth with my hand.

“Sorry, sorry, but that sounds like something Ben would’ve done.”

The little jerk would often tell me and Leyna ghost stories back in Ehrmich District, under the heavy covers of our shared bed, once Ma and Dad were fast asleep. He would tell us that there was a ghost that lived right in our hall closet, and that he only came out at night to watch us sleep. At the time, Leyna and I were terrified to even go to sleep, in fear the ghost would actually be watching us. But eventually we grew out of it, and by the time we moved to Shiganshina, the scary stories had stopped altogether.

I stole a glance at Levi’s face—he seemed to be much more relaxed now, and the faintest trace of a smile could be seen on his lips. It was the first time since Isabel and Furlan had been alive that I’d seen him so happy about reminiscing their old times together. It was comforting to know that even a stone-cold person like him could remember the good times with a smile every once in a while.

_Just like I can do with Ben. It’s possible, I just have to work at it._

“I don’t know, it sounds like you guys had a lot of fun together.” I swallowed the last of my water before standing up from my seat. “Do you want any more tea? I may get some myself. I can refill your cup, if you want.”

He gazed at the cup before him, scooping it up and downing the last of it. “Sure, I’ll have some more.” I tried my best to hold back a smile as he handed it to me, his fingers brushing up against my own.

As I poured the rest of the tea into our cups, I found myself remembering the short time I’d spent with Isabel. I remembered teaching her how to ride Edel, and walking her back to the girls’ barracks the first night she arrived here. She was so innocent, so pure for this world. If it hadn’t been for her feisty, rebellious attitude, I wouldn’t have known she’d grown up in the Underground. She had a much more positive outlook on life, unlike her black-haired cohort.

By the Walls, I missed her so much.

“By the way,” I started, sitting back down and placing his teacup in front of him, “how did you meet Isabel and Furlan in the first place?”

“I thought we agreed on one story tonight, and nothing more.”

“Yeah, but…”

I was embarrassed to admit it, but I wanted to know about his life in the Underground. I wanted to know how he’d met his two best friends, and under what circumstances they used to live. I wanted to know if they had any more companions or enemies back in the Underground.

Most importantly, I wanted to know the story behind each of the scars I’d seen on Levi’s body earlier, back in the medical wing. But I wasn’t about to confess that aloud. No need to ensue any unnecessary teasing tonight.

“I said no.” He paused to sip at his tea before returning his gaze to me. “Maybe later I’ll tell you, but I’m done for tonight.”

“Ugh, whatever you say… _bastard_.”

“What was that?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

|~|

A little while later, the two of us had finished our cups, and I set myself to washing them. Surprisingly, Levi didn’t leave right away. Instead, he stayed behind, helping me dry off the pot and cups. With the two of us working, the process went a lot faster than usual.

Unfortunately, the moment we left the mess hall, I knew our night was coming to an end. It was a weird feeling I couldn’t really explain, but some part of me almost felt safe with Levi around. It was strange, but I couldn’t think of any other word to describe what I was feeling. Despite the constant teasing and insults and attitude problems, he made me feel secure. It was similar to Hanji’s presence, but at the same time, it was completely different.

“Uh, wait!”

We had stopped right in front of the girls’ barracks, and he was on his way to the men’s across the base. At my voice, he froze in his tracks and turned around to face me.

“I just…wanted to say…” _Come on, spit it out!_ “…Thanks for telling me that story. Oh, and for training me. …Are we doing it again, or…?”

God, I was such a mess tonight.

“I don’t have a problem with it,” he replied, stepping closer to me.

I felt the need to run, but I forced myself to stand my ground. I couldn’t be scared of him forever. I had to act confident when I was around them. And I was sure that would rub off in my training with him.

When he reached me, he ran his hand along the top of my head, mussing my hair up just like he did a few nights ago. This time, I didn’t stare at him with my mouth open; I simply smiled, craning my head into his touch.

He was so gentle, surprisingly. Not at all what I was used to when it came to guys.

_Wait, stop—don’t go there. Don’t even think about Levi and Jax in the same light. That’s a can of worms you don’t want to open up._

As he continued to ruffle my hair, I found myself getting lost in his gray hues. A shadow of blue could be seen around his pupils, and when I stared at them longer, I realized my heart was beating faster than usual. As much as I didn’t want to, I thought of Jax’s own eyes, which were a gorgeous dark blue (at least, I used to think they were gorgeous). Levi’s eyes were far from being considered gorgeous…but they didn’t have to be. Now that I saw them in a closer light, I started to see the appeal in them.

_They really match his black hair—_

“Goodnight, brat. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow. Goodnight.”

When he finally broke away from my head and turned away, I watched him go. I swallowed as each step carried him further and further away from me, and the safe, secure feeling he granted me began to slip away.

_What’s happening to me?_

Eventually, I walked into the girls’ barracks and shut the door behind me. The sudden urge to smack my head into the nearby wall was almost too tempting to resist.

Yeah, there were some things that had happened tonight that I was definitely _not_ telling Hanji about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hanji is officially the best matchmaker ever - at least, for Mia she is. And flustered Mia is by far my favorite version of Mia to write for. The poor girl doesn't know how to act around guys, and sometimes it's hard to believe she once had a boyfriend herself. 
> 
> Now, she's starting to see Levi as more than just a fellow Scout. They're nowhere near to being considered friends, but they're definitely more than soldiers who work together on the field. I can't wait to share their development with you guys. (Also, Levi would totally take advantage of the fact that Mia can't even look him in the eye at this point. At least, that's my headcanon.)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter jumps around a bit, so it might seem a little uneven. I couldn't really split it up, so it's a little choppy. It starts to mellow out toward the end, though. I hope you enjoy!

|XVII|

For the next week or so, my private nightly lessons with Levi continued as normal. Currently, he was trying to teach me how to propel myself properly with the winch and the gas canisters of my ODM gear, which would allow me to spin around like he did. Unfortunately, the first time I’d tried it, I ended up slamming into a nearby tree. When he was sure I wasn’t seriously hurt, he gave me the smallest smile—and I swear, I could hear laughter from the stars above.

Winter was upon us in a flash, and before we knew it, it began snowing. The year 845 was now behind us—and so began 846.

One particular morning, I woke up just before dawn, only to see a blanket of snow covering the base outside. Large flakes fell from the gray sky, and by the looks of it, we had at least a foot of snow around the main castle. It had barely snowed last winter, but if it was this heavy at the start of the season, it would only get worse.

My head snapped up when I heard a groan coming from the back of the barracks. It was followed by a cough, and then a gagging sound. When I looked around, to make sure all the girls were still sleeping, I realized Anna was nowhere to be found.

I pulled on my boots and threw my green shirt over my shoulders, leaving it unbuttoned and exposing the white tank top underneath. I headed for the back room—which served as our restroom and shower room—and pushed open the door. The stall furthest away from the door was shut, and when I knocked on the door, I was replied with a pained moan. Fearing the worst, I pushed it open.

Knelt over the small toilet was Anna, with two other girls beside her. Lilly held back her friend’s brown hair as she threw up, and Hanna rubbed her back comfortingly. Both girls shot me worried and pleading looks, like they expected me to take care of her and make everything better.

“What’s wrong? Is she sick?”

“Not…exactly…” Hanna answered, suddenly more focused on Anna’s back. Meanwhile, Lilly frowned at me, threading her fingers through Anna’s hair.

When Anna was finally done emptying her stomach, she turned around and sat against the wall, her hand resting on her stomach. Once the girls nodded to me, I knelt down in front of her, gazing into those somber hazel eyes.

The poor girl had been a wreck since Charles had passed away. After the fall of Shiganshina, she often wandered around the base, opting to spend time alone. I didn’t see her that much, since Hanji was helping me through my own grief, but she wasn’t doing much better than I had been. Now, with those dark circles underneath her eyes, and her white, almost pasty skin, she looked like a living corpse. When she finally noticed me, her eyes didn’t even react.

“Mia…”

“Honey, what’s wrong? Are you sick? Do I need to get Dr. Stuber?”

Her hand shot out and curled around my own. I flinched at the unexpected contact. “No, no, she’ll only get angry… I didn’t mean to do it…”

What does she mean? “Anna, you’re not making any sense. Why would she be angry at you?”

If I knew Dr. Stuber, she never got seriously angry at anyone. Sure, she made a few off-hand comments and constantly teased some of her patients, but I’d never seen her go off on anyone before. Why would she start now, and with _Anna_ , of all people? She was one of the sweetest girls I’d ever known, and whenever she was with Charles, the two of them were always so supportive and kind. It was a miracle that they decided to join the military in the first place.

“What did you do?” Anna turned her head away from me, squeezing her eyes shut. “Honey, what’s wrong? Tell me—I can help you.”

She let out a sob, leaning into Lilly’s shoulder. Suddenly, her hand trailed down to her lower stomach, and she held it comfortingly—almost _protectively_.

It felt like a stone had lodged its way into my throat as the news finally sank in. I struggled to keep my composure—I didn’t want to scare her off. Besides, I could only think of what she was going through right now.

I cleared my throat and rested a hand on her own, squeezing it gently. “Anna, be honest with me. Did you and Charles…” Before I could finish, her head bobbed up and down, her tears dripping onto Lilly’s white shirt. “I see… And you’re sure you’re pregnant?”

This time, it was Hanna who answered. “She’s been puking for the past couple of days. I found her first, and then Lilly found her just yesterday. We were going to tell someone, but we didn’t want to scare her too much.” She reached over and brushed her hand against Anna’s forehead. “Poor baby…”

My head was pounding. If she had been consistently puking for the past few mornings, there was no doubt about it. Anna was pregnant with her and Charles’ baby.

Despite the higher-ups giving cadets and younger soldiers the special pills that prevented pregnancy (apparently there was a rumor floating around that the males got small rubber sleeves instead of pills, but I’d never been interested in that), accidents still happened. Sometimes the pills didn’t work properly, or the rubber would rip under too much pressure. The safest option was to not have sex at all, but some couples couldn’t help themselves. I mean, I guess I understood where they were coming from, but my own experiences in the past hindered my sympathy.

But still, Anna was a good soldier, and a good friend to me. I was going to help her through this, no matter what. Sometimes, soldiers had to leave the base for a while, just long enough to raise their children, and then returned to their duties. It worked for them, and it could work for Anna.

“You have to tell Dr. Stuber. If you want me to, I can. But you can’t keep this all to yourself, Anna. We’re here to help you, believe me.” We wouldn’t leave her out to dry, especially when the cold weather was starting to kick in. The worst thing for her was to be alone and scared during winter, with a baby on the way. No, the Survey Corps would stand by her, I was sure of it.

Her dark hazel eyes finally met mine, and for the first time since I’d told her about Charles’ death in the field outside of Wall Maria, I saw a glimmer of hope in them. Perhaps once she knew the soldiers would support her and her new family, this baby would become a symbol of hope for her. A sweet reminder of what she and Charles used to have.

“Okay, I’ll tell her.”

|~|

Lina was a little hesitant to help someone this early in the morning, but once she saw Anna’s face, with the tracks of dried tears painted on her skin, she was wide awake and ready to work. She placed Anna on the chair in front of her desk—the same one I’d made Levi sit in when I patched up his arm—and checked her vitals. Meanwhile, I busied myself with gathering the supplies needed for the blood test.

Apparently, as Lina had told me during my days as a medical student, the doctors here took pregnancy tests by drawing blood and examining it under a microscope. Honestly, it was surprising to me that Hanji had never taken up an interest in medicine like I had, since she absolutely loved working with syringes and needles and microscopes. But at the same time, she loved our expeditions beyond the Walls, and she wouldn’t miss them for anything in the world. I could respect that.

Once we were all set, and Anna’s arm was all prepped, Lina took the syringe and drew a vial of blood from her. She disappeared into the back room of her office, and a few minutes later, she came out with a happy smile on her face.

“Congratulations, Anna. By my estimations, you’re about seven weeks pregnant. It is imperative you rest and eat properly, and you take your time moving around. I’ll write a request to the Commander to excuse you from training and any excessive physical labor. However, I’m sure he wouldn’t object if you wanted to stay here and help out in other ways.” She pressed a hand to her temple. “You know, we have enough paperwork as it is…it’s never filed properly,” she added, more to herself than to us.

Throughout the whole spiel, Anna covered her mouth with her hands. Tears began pooling in the corners of her eyes—those eyes that were now alight with happiness. It was the first time since Charles’ death that I ever saw her truly smile. And when she left to meet Hanna and Lilly in the hallway, she hugged them both tightly.

I was happy for her, I really was. She could’ve reacted so horribly, unwilling to have something that would remind her of her deceased boyfriend. But she didn’t—she accepted the baby that would arrive in a few months, and she looked forward to becoming a mother. Now, at least she wouldn’t have to grieve over Charles alone.

Personally, I was indifferent on having kids. When I was younger, I wanted to have as many kids as I could, to make my parents happy. I used to dream about them climbing all over their grandparents, struggling to sit in Dad’s lap and in Ma’s outstretched arms. They would spend as much time as they could with their cousins—Ben’s kids and Leyna’s kids—and we would all grow up happily together.

Now, I didn’t want children nearly as much as I used to. Dad was gone, and Ben was gone. This world was nowhere near as safe as it used to be when I was a kid—and it really wasn’t that safe to begin with. If I brought up kids of my own, I wanted them to grow up without the constant burden of glancing over their shoulders. I wanted them to fall asleep at night and not wake up screaming that the Titans were coming for them. I wanted them to feel at ease in my arms, to know that I would protect them at all costs. But how could I do that when I had let so many other people down? Rosalie, Emmet, Ben, Flagon…if I couldn’t keep them safe, how was I supposed to keep my own children safe?

Besides, having kids meant having either a boyfriend or a husband first…and Jax had somewhat destroyed that possibility for me already. Besides, even if I was looking for someone, I knew deep down that I hadn’t met him yet.

However…seeing Anna’s hopeful face when Dr. Stuber confirmed her pregnancy, and watching it finally sink in that she would become a mother, well…it stirred something inside of me. For a brief second, my dreams as a five-year-old resurfaced, and I wondered what it would be like to raise two, three, maybe even four kids of my own. Even though our world was broken, we could still make it work. Ma would rejoice at the thought of finally having grandchildren, and Leyna would love to have a little nephew or niece riding around on her shoulders. She always had a soft spot for kids, but I never knew if she wanted one for herself.

But then it was gone. The weight of our reality came crashing down, and the dreams I once held as a naïve five-year-old vanished at once. Maybe it was possible for Anna, but for me? It was as likely as bringing Ben back from the dead.

|~|

As the winter months carried on, the Scouts found it hard to cope. Because of the unusual amount of people living within Wall Rose, after Wall Maria had fallen to the Titans, disease spread quickly. We didn’t have enough food rations for everyone for each district, which backfired on many of us. Even though we were far from Trost or any of the other districts, the pains of hunger were still inflicted on us. Too many nights did I have to go to sleep hungry, listening to the sound of the growling stomachs of the girls around me.

Expeditions were put on halt due to the weather, but that didn’t stop the royal government from proposing its new genius idea: the Wall Maria Reclamation Operation, which was built by soldiers of both the Garrison and the Scouts. However, due to the lack of experience the Garrison soldiers had, and the fact there were only twenty or so of us left in the Survey Corps, the government turned to the refugees within Wall Rose. There had been a draft, and civilians had been chosen at random to fight side by side with our soldiers.

Some of our veteran soldiers, including Elias, Sebastian, and Peter, were assigned to accompany Commander Erwin. Due to the government having full authority over the mission, we weren’t able to decide which Scouts went and which ones stayed behind. We weren’t their target, though—the refugees were.

Families were torn, tears were shed, and blood was spilled. I was lucky enough that Annika had missed the draft altogether, since she had gotten sick right before it had been announced. Johanna spent most of her days taking care of her, which I was immensely thankful for. Anna was excused because of her pregnancy, so she spent her days filling out paperwork for Dr. Stuber, while I took it upon myself to take a more hands-on approach with my medical training. Levi had no one within the Walls to worry about, so he was spared the pain of knowing anyone specific had been drafted.

However, some soldiers weren’t so lucky. Lina’s elderly father had been selected, and although she offered to go fight in his stead, the royal government had refused. She was seen as reliable, due to her extensive knowledge in the field of medicine, but her father was expendable, as far as they were concerned. You could replace a refugee, but you couldn’t replace a military medic.

You couldn’t replace a father, either. I knew the pain she was going through.

Finally, in the dead of winter, the operation commenced. Our soldiers and civilians, the ones we swore to protect, headed out into the fray to reclaim the land that was stolen from us. The Scouts were uneasy that day, pacing around the main castle and refusing to fall asleep. Lina was trembling in the corner—it was jarring to see her so upset over something.

It wasn’t until dawn the next day that the survivors returned. Only two hundred of them returned, and Lina’s father had not been one of them. Of the group of Scouts that had been deployed, only Erwin had come back. When he returned, everyone knew not to bother him. I could only imagine the horrors he’d faced beyond Wall Rose.

Overall, the Walls had lost a fifth of their total population that day. And as cruel as it sounded, the tremendous loss did help relieve the effects of the food shortage. It made me wonder if that had been the entire reason for it all. Before this, the royal government had always been skeptical of expeditions beyond the Walls. However, they had seen an opening, and they had taken it without hesitation.

|~|

A month later, the fourth snowfall had just finished up when a messenger delivered the soldiers’ mail. Anna had gotten a letter from her older brother, and her eyes lit up when she held it in her hands. Her baby bump was just starting to show—now, she was roughly seventeen weeks pregnant.

I was surprised when the messenger shoved a cream envelope in my arms. I didn’t recognize the handwriting, but my name had been scribbled clearly on the surface. I retreated to the girls’ barracks, and with a gulp, I sat on my bed and began to read the letter.

_ Mia,  _

_ This is Johanna Kappel, your mother’s friend. I’m sorry for writing to you on such a short notice. However, Annika’s illness has only gotten worse over time, and I fear she may not have much time left.  _

_ I know you have a busy schedule as a Scout, especially with the recent reclamation operation, but I urge you to visit as soon as you can. But I must warn you: Annika is not in her right mind. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this.  _

_ I hope to see you soon. I know seeing you will make Annika feel better.  _

_ Sincerely, Johanna _

I read through the letter two, three, four times before the contents finally sank in. I knew Ma had been sick for a while, but I didn’t know it had become _this_ bad. It was natural for citizens to get sick during the winter, but they always bounced back in the spring. Ma had done it herself ever since she was a little girl; Dad used to joke how he knew that, once she started coughing, the first snowfall couldn’t be far behind.

I had to get to her. If what Johanna had said was true, her time was limited in this world.

My throat tightened at the possibility of losing Ma. Ben’s death still stung, and I still wasn’t over Dad’s death, which happened all the way back in the year 842. I couldn’t lose my mother as well—Leyna and I still needed her. No matter how old we grew to be, we would still have those days where we would need to feel her arms around us. We still needed those times where she would whisper loving words and calmly thread her fingers through our hair.

I couldn’t lose my ma.

I wasted no time in racing to the main castle and down the hall, toward Shadis’ old office—which was now considered Erwin’s office. I banged my fist on the door, tears pricking my eyes. I had to move quickly; I didn’t have a second to waste.

“Who is it?”

At Erwin’s deep voice, I swallowed hard. “Mia Wolf, sir. It’s urgent.”

“Enter.”

I nearly knocked the door off its hinges as I made my way into his office. There he was, seated behind his desk, his elbows pressed against the surface before him. I was startled to see Levi standing near him, his arms crossed over his chest. But I couldn’t ponder over that now.

“Commander, I’m sorry to bother you, but I just received word that my mother is sick. The woman she’s living with in Trost sent me this letter, and she…she may be…dying…” It took everything in my power to hold my tears at bay. “I have to see her. I know it’s not an ideal time, but I have to see her again.”

I didn’t rule out the possibility that he would reject my request. Thanks to the recent reclamation operation, we were extremely low on soldiers at the base; we still hadn’t recovered from the devastating expedition outside of Wall Maria, just before it fell. But right now, I was too wired to think rationally. I didn’t know what I would do if he told me I couldn’t visit my mother.

Thankfully, his compassion was a trait he shared with our previous commander. Although he didn’t have a family of his own yet (I didn’t know if he ever would, to be honest), he understood the weight they carried for the other soldiers under his command. He nodded at me, placing his hands on the desk.

“And it cannot be delayed, correct?”

“…Correct. She didn’t specify how much time she has left. With all due respect, I don’t want to take any chances, sir.”

He hummed in response, his eyes glazed over in thought. The note grew sweaty in my hand; at this point, my whole body was trembling. I did my best to avoid Levi’s burning gray eyes, as I felt them land on me. I didn’t want to show any weakness in front of him. Neither of us needed that.

“I understand, Wolf. You’re free to leave for as long as you need. We won’t be able to pick up our expeditions until the spring, anyway. Just keep this under wraps—no need to alert the other Scouts, understand?” A tear spilled over and down my cheek as I nodded. “However, I advise you not to go alone. These are dangerous times, and I don’t want to lose one of my best Scouts. Perhaps it would be beneficial to take another soldier with you.”

I thought of Hanji instantly—but then I remembered how she already came with me when I told Ma and Leyna about Ben’s death. I didn’t want to burden her any more than I had to…but then who else would I take?

“Maybe I can—”

“I’ll go.”

The two of us stared at Levi, who kept his eyes on me the entire time. He scoffed lightly, letting his arms fall to his sides. He stepped closer to me, a hand resting on his hip. When he finally broke away from my gaze to look at the Commander, I bit my lip. _Now really isn’t the time to blush, Wolf._

“I don’t mind, Erwin. I’ll go with her.”

“Y-you don’t have to,” I quickly added, holding my hands up. “I’ll be fine on my own, I promise.”

Before I knew it, his face was right in front of mine, his black bangs serving as the only divider between our eyes. I fought back a squeak when I saw those blue flecks floating around in those gray hues.

“Don’t be an idiot, Wolf. Trost is a hellhole right now—it’s not how it was when you went there last year. People all around are turning into animals, thanks to this food shortage. And the ones that aren’t are dying of sickness. They’re pissed, and I don’t blame them. But I wouldn’t put it past them to take their anger out on a soldier, especially one that looks like you.”

 _What’s that supposed to mean?_ Was that a jab at my smaller figure, or my natural stature? News flash: Levi wasn’t exactly the tallest soldier, either. (I guessed I was only an inch or two shorter than him, so he didn’t have much room to talk.)

“So that’s why you want to go?” I found myself muttering, my voice as quiet as a mouse’s. “To protect me?”

He didn’t answer me—he only continued to stare at me. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from those gray orbs. The fact he was offering to go with me to protect me—if my suspicions were true—made me feel so many things at once. On one hand, I was perfectly fine with Hanji as my companion; on the other hand, I was honored he wanted to go with me. Despite our constant nightly lessons and forced interactions and conversations (courtesy of my bespectacled friend), he wasn’t sick of me yet. He still wanted to spend time with me, and he still felt responsible for me. Although it irritated me slightly, I remembered my own words on the Scouts: we looked out for each other, no exceptions. Levi was doing just that, and this was just his way of doing so.

At the sudden sound of Erwin clearing his throat, my face bloomed with heat. Honestly, I had completely forgotten he was in the room with us. “Alright, you two can go. I suggest you leave as soon as possible, especially if the situation is as dire as you say it is, Wolf. Levi, we’ll continue this discussion when you return.”

 _Wait, discussion? What were they talking about before I came in here?_ But I wasn’t about to prod them, especially when Levi’s eyes were still fixated on my own.

“Alright, Erwin.” Finally, he broke away from my eyes and walked past me, aiming for the door. “I’ll be by the stables. Make sure you’re there soon, Wolf.” And with that, he left the room.

I turned back to the Commander, willing the redness in my face to go away. I hated the effect Levi had on me—I hated the fact I had no idea why he had such an impact on me in the first place even more. “Thank you for this, Commander. I’ll be back as soon as I can, I promise.”

But he shook his head, his mouth pulled into a tight smile. “Don’t worry about it, Wolf. Now go on—it’s best not to keep him waiting.”

 _Yeah, I know_. I could only imagine the lecture I’d get for holding him up for too long. I nodded to him again before running out of the office, Johanna’s letter still clutched in my hands. _Don’t worry, I’ll be there soon, Ma._

|~|

Once my brown rucksack was packed for the trip, and I had said my final goodbyes to Hanji in private (who decided against teasing me about Levi accompanying me—she knew it wasn’t the best time), I headed for the stable. Edel snorted and pawed at the ground when he saw me, bobbing his head up and down in happiness. The silly boy had no idea what was awaiting us in Trost, and for that, I envied him. Sometimes I wished I had his easy life, with no worries but wondering what patch of grass to graze from.

Levi was already in Mischa’s stall, slipping her bridle over her head. The two of us said nothing as we finished tacking up our horses. I knew I wouldn’t get anything out of him until we were on the road, away from any Scouts who could overhear us. Besides, I wanted to know the real reason he decided to join me.

My mind raced at the possibilities. Was he really worried for my safety? Did he feel like I wouldn’t be totally safe if he wasn’t there to keep an eye on me? Or was he just worried about what I would find in Trost? Did he wonder whether or not I would hurt myself, if my mother did end up dying? I couldn’t tell with him, and that was perhaps the most infuriating thing about him. Sometimes I couldn’t read him, and that angered me to no end.

Finally, our horses were saddled and out of the stable. The two of us secured our green cloaks, with the Wings of Freedom crest burned on the back, and swung ourselves up on our horses. Edel grunted happily when his nose bumped against Mischa’s. To this, the mare replied with a soft snort, taking in as much of his scent as she could.

“If we hurry,” Levi suddenly spoke, gathering the reins in his hand, “we may be able to make it there before sunset. It’s not safe to be wandering out at night, especially around Trost.”

_Why is he so worried? He’s acting like it’s just as bad as the Underground City itself. Surely Trost wouldn’t deteriorate that quickly just because of the food shortage, right?_

Then again, I didn’t know for sure. I hadn’t really lived through a major food shortage within the Walls—at least, not one that I could remember. I couldn’t recall the effects of them, or the reactions of the people. Levi’s life in the Underground was closer to that than my own experiences were, so I had to assume he knew more about it than I did. Not that I liked admitting that, of course.

“Fine by me.” The sooner we got to Trost, the sooner I could see Ma. I wasn’t one for standing around for too long, anyway.

Edel was the first to pick up his gallop, but Mischa was right behind us. The two of us ignored the glances of the nearby soldiers as we raced out of the base and toward the southern side of Wall Rose, where Trost resided.

Already, the sun had begun to inch closer to the horizon. It was early in the evening, so we had about another two hours before it was totally dark. If we kept moving, we would be in Trost before the sky became dark and filled with stars.

Once we were a good distance away from the base, I decided to ask the important questions. Although I kept my eyes forward, I didn’t hesitate to address the Scout riding the black mare beside me.

“So…why did you offer to come with me? You know I could’ve gone with Hanji, she wouldn’t have minded.”

Just by the tone of his voice, I could tell he was rolling his eyes. “I already told you, brat. Trost is going to be a hellhole. I doubt those ‘angry citizens’ as you refer to them as, won’t hesitate to target two girls like you and shitty glasses.”

Edel screeched as I jerked back on the reins, forcing him to stop in his tracks. When he realized I was no longer at his side, Levi slowed Mischa down and turned her back toward me and Edel. My silvery gelding snorted, turning his head to gaze at me with a huge chocolate eye.

Levi’s words had stirred the memory I’d shoved so far back into my mind: of Jax and what he tried to do to me that night of the graduation ceremony for the 90th Training Corps. I remembered the way his hands felt around my wrists, how his hips felt between my legs—how _hard_ he was against the inside of my thigh. My throat ran dry as I thought of anyone in Trost—good citizens, that myself and my fellow soldiers had strived to protect for years—turning on me and treating me like that.

“Hey, Wolf.” His voice was sharper now, with his eyes slanted in my direction. “You alright?”

It wasn’t until he motioned to my hands that I realized I was trembling. With a yelp, I loosened my tight grip on the reins, giving Edel some freedom to hang his head. I sucked in a deep breath, staring at anything but the Scout in front of me.

“I…”

“What is it? Spit it out, brat.”

My face grew red under his gaze, but I still refused to meet his eyes. I was being way too obvious right now. If I didn’t stop and get myself under control, he would start to get suspicious. Soon, one question would lead to another, and if I wasn’t careful, I would find myself accidentally spilling all of my secrets out to him. He didn’t need to know about Jax, or the emotional baggage he’d left behind. Besides, even if he did know, he’d probably tell me to suck it up, that it happened over nine years ago, that I should just get over it by now. A little thing like that—which didn’t even escalate into something more serious—was still affecting me? What kind of coward let something like that hold power over her?

“It’s nothing…”

But when I finally met those gray hues, which seemed a little more silver in the dying sunlight, now that I thought about it, I flinched when I saw the realization sink in. He sighed, urging Mischa forward. Soon enough, he was right against Edel’s side, with his knee brushing against mine.

“Mia, listen to me.” My heart raced as my first name fell from his lips. “I’m not going to let that happen to you. That’s why I wanted to go with you. I know you’re a fighter, but sometimes…” His eyes became a little dazed, like he was lost in his memories. “Sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. Sometimes there are too many of them, or they’re stronger than you. Believe me, I know.”

His voice had taken on a somber tone, which piqued my curiosity. He definitely had a history with this kind of stuff, but I didn’t know how deep it ran. Had he been in a situation similar to mine? Or had someone he’d known suffered this themselves? Had it been Isabel? Oh God, I hope not.

“…What do you mean?” I was almost afraid to speak, but I knew he wouldn’t act out in anger against me. He wasn’t that kind of guy.

His teeth grinded against each other, and he turned away from me, the winter wind brushing his black hair back. His forehead was now exposed; I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the exposed skin. “It’s nothing.”

Before I knew it, my hand was stretched out, and my fingers found their way around the sleeve of his tan jacket. “Please, tell me.”

He glanced at my hand before meeting my eyes once more. He didn’t shrug me off or push my hand away, like I half-expected him to. Instead, he turned his hand around, grasping mine with his own. I bit my lip at the surprising warmth his skin granted me. How could he be so warm when it was so cold outside?

“Some ruffians decided to jump Isabel on her way home a few years ago, back in the Underground.” My breath hitched in my throat, and my hand involuntarily squeezed his tighter. “They didn’t go any further than beating her up and cutting off one of her pigtails,” he added quickly, his eyes slanting dangerously, “but that’s no excuse. So I did what I had to do.”

My eyes widened at this hint. “D-did you…you didn’t… _kill_ them, did you?”

But the look in his eyes gave me my answer. My stomach churned at the thought of the man beside me killing another human being, or two or three of them. How did he do it? Did he shoot them or stab them? Or was he creative with his methods?

As I dwelled on it, however, the notion didn’t seem that outlandish. He had lived in the Underground his whole life before joining the Scouts, so he had to dirty his hands in order to protect the ones he cared about. There were a lot of disgusting people swarming the streets of the Underground City, and there was a good chance he had been forced to dispose of some of them in order to ensure his own safety, and the safety of Isabel and Furlan.

Was I currently holding the hand of a murderer?

“So what if I did? They were pieces of shit who deserved to be put down.” The words flowed out so effortlessly, like he blatantly disregarded the lives he had ended so abruptly. “They hurt her—and they could’ve killed her. I made sure they never got that chance again.”

Suddenly, his hand left mine and trailed up to my shoulder. He turned me ever so slightly, so I was completely facing him now. My lip found its way between my teeth as his silver eyes melted into my own.

“I’m going to make sure no one tries to hurt you. You can’t trust people in these times, believe me. You have to expect the worse from people; I know you don’t like that, but that’s how it is.”

Throughout his little speech, my face began to warm up once more. I was honored he seemed to care so much about me, even after only knowing me for a year and a half. What had prompted him to do so? Did he feel responsible because I was the only other living member of Flagon’s squad? Or was it because of our nightly lessons?

“…Why are you so concerned? Not that I’m complaining…”

He scoffed, turning his head away from me. However, his hand stayed where it was, still grasping my shoulder lightly. “I couldn’t tell you. Maybe you remind me of someone I used to know.”

_I did? Then who was it?_

“Come on, we can’t linger too long. It’ll be too late if we get there after dark.” He released my shoulder, causing me to frown, and turned Mischa around. Once I gathered up Edel’s reins in my hands, the two of us urged our horses forward, and we began to head toward Trost once more.

|~|

Trost District was no longer the happy, bright place I’d walked through the last time I’d visited my family back in Shiganshina, before the fall of Wall Maria. The streets were littered with either men, women, or children—all of them refugees of Wall Maria. Not everyone had been as lucky as Ma; they didn’t all have family friends they could move in with. Sometimes living on the streets was the only option for them, and I was seeing it firsthand.

We had left Edel and Mischa back at the inner gate, in the hands of the Garrison soldiers posted here. Upon seeing our cloaks and badges, they let us pass with ease. It still hurt that now, whenever I saw a group of Garrison soldiers, I would no longer look to see if my brother was among them.

Silently, Levi and I began to weave through the crowds and toward Johanna’s small home. I didn’t have Hanji with me this time, so I had to find the house myself. Thankfully, I remembered the route I had taken last time with Hanji, so it didn’t take too long for me to find the right road.

Upon reaching the familiar brown and white house, I rapped my knuckles against the wooden door. It took a moment, but Johanna eventually answered, looking absolutely exhausted. Her gray-blond hair was sticking out in all directions from her messy ponytail, and there were huge bags under her aging eyes. There seemed to be more wrinkles on her face than I remembered.

A sad smile etched itself on her face when she saw me. “Mia, it’s good to see you. Although, I wish it were under different circumstances…”

I nodded, itching to step inside already. “Where’s Ma? Is she okay?”

An awkward silence took over. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop onto the pavement below us. “She’s…growing weaker,” Johanna finally answered, squeezing her eyes shut. “I don’t think she has more than a few days.”

I stiffened, sucking in a sharp breath. No, she was lying. Ma didn’t have a few days, she had a few more years left in her! She wasn’t going to leave me and Leyna alone in this world like this, she loved us too much to let that happen. If she could help it, she was going to stay on this planet for as long as she could, just to make sure my sister and I had someone to return home to.

“Can I see her?”

“Of course, dear.” She moved out of the way to let me pass; however, before Levi could follow me in, she placed a bony arm against the doorframe, eyeing him suspiciously. “And who is this, Mia?”

“Oh, he’s a fellow Scout.” I didn’t know whether or not to consider him a friend at this point, but we were far from being enemies, which I was thankful for. “He wanted to come with me, to make sure I was safe. It’s okay, I wouldn’t have brought him if I didn’t trust him.”

But was that true? Did I really trust him? I definitely thought highly of him (at some points), and I respected his skill. But did I trust him with my life, like I did with Hanji, Erwin, Mike, and the other Scouts?

Johanna hummed and moved her arm, allowing Levi to pass. I sent him a sharp glance when I saw his face—he was on the verge of letting loose some kind of impolite comment. I didn’t want to anger or upset Johanna in any way, especially since Ma was currently living with her.

“She’s in the second room on the left, honey. But I have to warn you: she’s not…well in the head.” With that, she headed for the kitchen, leaving me alone with the black-haired Scout.

I swallowed hard before heading down the hall. With each step I took, my heart pounded harder and harder—so fast I thought it would nearly burst out of my chest. Finally, I found myself at the second door on the left, which was shut tight. My teeth chattered as I raised my fist and knocked softly on the surface.

No answer. I did it again, fighting my hardest to keep my bottom lip from trembling.

“Ma? Are you in there? It’s Mia.”

I heard the soft squeak of a bed, and then a pained groan. “…Who?”

“It’s me, Ma. Mia. You know me.” Please, tell me you know me.

“Okay… Come on in, baby.”

A huge sigh of relief passed through my lips. Good, her memory’s still intact. At this point, it was all I could ask for. My mother was still breathing, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

“I’ll be out here,” Levi whispered, leaning against the wall beside the door. “No need to scare her.”

“I guess so…” But I was thankful he was being so considerate. I really didn’t want him to act like his usual brash self, especially in front of my aging mother. She didn’t need all of that in her life.

I pushed the door open—and nearly broke down at the sight before me. My mother was sitting up in the bed of Johanna’s spare bedroom, the white sheets bunched around her waist. Her skin was pale and somewhat pasty, and her face was filled with wrinkles. Those blue eyes were dull and sunken in, surrounded by heavy black rings. Her body was so bony it was a chore for her brown nightgown to cling to her form.

How could she have gotten this sick in only a couple of months? I knew disease was common at this time of year, but due to the number of refugees and overall dirty atmosphere of the city, disease was spreading much more rapidly than normal. And being an elderly woman, Ma was the perfect target. It was a cruel joke the world loved to play sometimes. It had done so with my grandfather, before I had been born, and later on my aunt’s twin sister, who died at only seven years old.

She leaned over and coughed into her elbow; I flinched at the sharp sound, and the pained groan my mother released once her hacking fit had ceased. When she was done, she gazed at me with sympathetic eyes.

“Baby, don’t come any closer.” She held out a bony hand, and I nearly burst into tears at the sight of the ragged skin of her palm. “I don’t want to get you sick.”

“It’s okay, Ma, I don’t mind.” I stepped forward once; I couldn’t let he suffer alone. “Is Leyna here? Is she coming?”

“…I don’t think so, sweetheart. She couldn’t…get out of her…duties…”

She was running out of energy fast. Before her head hit the headboard, I raced to her side and lowered her gently on the bed. She was too weak to even protest about the close proximity.

I pulled up the sheets and tucked them around her. “It’s alright, Ma. You need your sleep. You’ll get better soon, I know you will.”

I tried to ignore the hopeless look in her dull blue eyes. Despite what everyone around me thought, I refused to believe she was in her final days. Ma was strong—probably the strongest woman I’d ever known. She was a fighter, or else she wouldn’t have had the guts to marry a soldier, much less a member of the Survey Corps. She had wrestled with whatever life threw her way, and she wasn’t about to let something as mediocre as a head cold weigh her down.

“I’ll take care of you, Ma. I’m here, you can count on me. Do you need anything right now?”

Ma’s eyes were already closed when she answered. “…Maybe tea…”

I swallowed hard and forced a nod. “Okay, I’ll go make some. You get some rest, and I’ll be right back.”

But she was already snoring softly. I hid a pained smile with my hand. It looked like the tea would have to wait.

With a heavy heart, I quietly left the room, closing the door behind me. Levi was still in the hallway, and when I stepped outside to join him, his eyes were immediately on me.

“How is she?”

I shrugged, refusing to meet his gaze. I was scared of what would happen if I did. “Not good, but not bad either. She’ll pull through, I know she will.”

Before he could respond, I started to head down the hallway and toward the kitchen. I had to make sure Johanna had the ingredients for tea, once Ma woke up. I knew how much my mother liked her tea, especially when she was sick.

Suddenly, a hand rested on my shoulder, stopping me in my tracks. I felt Levi’s presence behind me, pressing against my arm and shoulder. “Mia.” His voice was a murmur, right beside my ear. Feeling his breath so close to my skin was comforting, in a weird sort of way. “Don’t get your hopes up.”

I simply shrugged his hand off and continued toward the kitchen.

_Of course you would say something like that, Levi._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Mia and Levi are now in Trost. To be honest, as much as I like writing flirty!Levi, I love writing protective!Levi even more. I think it's the traditionalist in me, but there's something about a man protecting a woman that just makes me swoon. While Mia is capable of protecting herself in her own right, I'm sure she doesn't object to the idea of Levi stepping in as her shield, especially with what she's gone through. (At least, that's my own opinion! I'm a sucker for traditional romance, unfortunately!) 
> 
> Mia just can't catch a break, huh? First her father, then her brother, and now her mother... But in Annika's defense, she hasn't been in the best condition since Ben's death. She's starting to lose herself, but she can't help it. 
> 
> I'll post the next chapter within the next few days. Stay safe, especially if you're currently in quarantine, like I am. But at least now I have more time to focus on my writing, haha. Thank you! :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually had more written to this chapter (an additional 13 pages, actually!), but I decided to split it up and make it its own chapter. I didn't want it to drag on for too long. Thank you for all your kind words, and thank you to everyone who has taken an interest in this story! Seriously, there is nothing better than knowing there's an audience out there who's willing to read my work. You guys rock! :D

|XVIII|

Johanna finally decided to rest when I told her I would watch over Ma. Before she retreated to her bedroom, she offered me and Levi the other bedroom, which used to be her son’s bedroom. However, we both declined: I could sleep in Ma’s room, and Levi insisted he was fine on the couch. Besides, I _really_ didn’t want to be sleeping in the same room as Levi. Not with the state I was in.

Throughout the night, Ma kept falling in and out of sleep. Her breathing became rapid right before she woke up, and when she did, she would mutter about nonsense. Most of the time I couldn’t make out the words. I didn’t want to anyway.

Once or twice she mentioned Ben. Other times she mentioned Dad. I didn’t dwell on that too much.

The moon was at its peak when I draped a wet cloth over Ma’s forehead for the fifth time that night. She was burning up, and she was losing energy fast. The cup of tea I had made her earlier was still sitting on the bedside table, barely touched. My chest tightened at that; when Ma refused to touch a cup of her beloved tea, you knew something was wrong.

I bit my lip as I scooped up the tea cup, careful not to spill any of it. With a final look at my mother, fidgeting in her sleep, I walked out of the room, closing the door softly.

Johanna had been right. She wasn’t getting any better, and I didn’t think she ever would. No matter what I wanted to trick myself into believing, that she would perk up upon seeing her youngest daughter and magically get better, I knew it was inevitable. She was dying, and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

I walked past the living room and into the kitchen, as quiet as I could, so I wouldn’t disturb Levi. I dumped the tea down the basin and washed it out, drying it and placing it back in the cupboard. Maybe Ma would have some more later on, if she felt like it.

Once I was finished, I headed back into the living room. Levi was sitting at the end in an upright position, his elbow perched against the arm of the couch, and his chin resting on his fist. His eyes were closed, and his breathing was soft. His jacket was off and folded on the seat next to him, with his cravat laying on top. The first two buttons of his shirt were undone, partially exposing his collarbone. Nearby, his boots leaned against the foot of the couch, just within his reach.

 _He must be asleep_. I raised my eyebrow at his choice of position, leaning against the doorframe. _Doesn’t it hurt him to sit up like that?_ Personally, I couldn’t rest properly unless I was lying down. But who knew? Maybe it was different for other people.

“You should be asleep, Wolf.”

I mentally kicked myself, trying my best to hide my face from him. A blush was rising quickly, to my chagrin. “I…I can’t… Ma may wake up, and…she needs me.”

“You won’t be much good to her if you’re exhausted,” he retorted, raising his head from his arm. I swallowed hard and forced myself to meet his eyes. “Get some rest. She’ll be fine.”

 _You don’t know that_ , I wanted to say. _You don’t know what could hit her in the middle of the night. I don’t want her to go without me knowing_.

But my fatigue was catching up quickly, and before I knew it, I let out a huge yawn. I rubbed my face, which was still pretty warm, and shook my head. “It’s okay, I’ll be—”

“I’m not going to argue with you, brat.” This time, he stood up from his spot, and I instantly tensed up. Before I knew it, he was in front of me, and I did all I could not to stare at the visible skin around his neck and throat. “You need to go to bed. You can’t be collapsing every other second tomorrow. I don’t need that, you don’t need that, and your mother doesn’t need that.”

My eyes roamed to the floor as another blush blanketed my face. Deep down, I knew he was right. I didn’t want to do more harm than good to Ma. I kept this up, I wouldn’t want to move at all tomorrow. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to catch a few hours of sleep…

“Well…what are _you_ doing up this late?” I knew it was a risk, asking him something like that, but hey, I was entitled. He was getting what he wanted from me, so he at least had to return the favor.

He rolled his eyes at me, resting a hand on my head. I did my best to hide my smile as he mussed up my hair, reminding me of my brother.

“Don’t change the subject, kid.”

“I’m not! I’ll go to bed, don’t worry. I just want to know.”

Huh, _kid_. That was a new one. I kind of liked it.

He sighed again, his hand never leaving my hair. “If you must know, I don’t need much sleep to begin with.”

“Oh… How come?”

“I just don’t. It’s really none of your business. Now go to bed.” He pushed against my forehead lightly, causing me to step back. This time, I didn’t bother hiding my smile from him.

“Fine, I’m going. I…I guess I’ll see you in the morning, right?”

“…Yeah, you will.”

For some reason, the promise of seeing him again in the morning, at first light, sent shivers up my arms and legs. It was nice to have someone else with me during a time like this, and his presence was vastly different from Hanji’s. Whenever she visited my old home back in Shiganshina, she would act very clingy and protective of me. It became so bad that Leyna had to ask once if we were dating (the both of us couldn’t look at each other until the next day, after that incident).

But Levi was different. He kept his distance and preferred to silently observe things from afar. He was protective, just like Hanji, but in a much more subtle way. Not to mention his off-putting personality. Whereas my bespectacled friend was warm and friendly, Levi was anything but.

Still…I had grown used to it over the months we’d spent together, especially after Ben’s death. I saw most of it during our nightly training lessons, where compliments would be few and far between, but it really meant something to me when he made them. I couldn’t explain it…but I enjoyed his company.

Before another yawn split my head open, I turned toward Ma’s bedroom and opened the door. Just as I stepped inside, I threw a glance over my shoulder. My cheeks grew red when I saw that his eyes were still on me, like he was making sure I was keeping my word.

“Goodnight, Levi.”

He shrugged his shoulders, finally turning away from me. “Sleep well, kid.”

As I closed the door behind me, I tried to block out the rush of adrenaline the new nickname gave me. By the Walls, I hoped that would become a regular thing.

|~|

I was relieved to learn that Ma was still breathing when I woke up the next morning. Her breaths were becoming softer and softer, but she was still alive. I had a little more time left with her.

But as I moved throughout the rest of the morning, mopping up the sweat on her forehead and pouring sips of water down her throat, all I could think of was Leyna. Surely she got Johanna’s letter, Ma said so. But were the Military Police really so heartless to not allow her to visit her sickly mother? I scoffed at the notion. Apparently, not every Commander could be as considerate as Shadis or Erwin.

I knew for a fact Leyna wouldn’t have decided against coming to Trost. Despite our problems and constant quarrels, we knew each other well. Family was the most important thing to my sister, and her love for us had only strengthened after we lost Dad. I assumed it was the same after learning of Ben’s death, going by the way she hugged me after I told her. She wouldn’t decide on her own accord not to visit us—no, something had to be holding her up. But what?

“Darling,” Johanna spoke up as she entered Ma’s room, “would you mind running down to the market to get me some things? I’ll watch over her while you’re gone, don’t worry about it.”

“Of course.” I didn’t mind running errands for her—I did it all the time for both my parents when I was little—and besides, she deserved it for allowing Ma to stay here with her instead of on the streets with the other refugees.

But I was nervous about Ma. What if she passed away while I was gone? What if I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye? I had gotten to spent Dad’s final moments with him—would I be able to do the same with Ma?

Johanna must have seen the distress on my face, so she gave me a warm smile. “I’ll make sure she’s awake by the time you get back. I promise I won’t let her slip away.”

Promises didn’t mean much to me anymore. I had broken so many of them—for Rosalie, Emmett, Flagon, Ben—it was hard to tell whether or not someone really intended to keep their own. But I had no choice but to trust her, so I simply nodded and headed out of the room—not before giving Ma a kiss on her forehead.

Johanna had given me a pouch of coins, despite my protests that I could pay for her items, and sent me out the door with a small list. But before I could get too far away from the house, the door opened again, and I was joined by a familiar black-haired Scout.

“Stop it,” he said the moment my mouth opened. “I’m coming with you, whether you like it or not.”

I shut my mouth, fighting back a smile. His protective nature was showing again, and I was somewhat enjoying it. With a nod, I pocketed the pouch of coins and started walking down the street, with Levi at my side.

But before we could get too far into the district, he paused and handed me a white cloth. “Here, tie this around your face. You don’t want to get sick like the rest of them.”

I didn’t hesitate tying the white fabric along my face. Levi did the same with his own, and I was grateful for the fabric hiding my smile. Even now, he was ever the clean freak.

Johanna’s list contained only a few necessities: mostly food, like oranges, apples, and bread, along with a few more cloths for Ma. It wouldn’t cost much, so I would be able to pay for it with my own money. I didn’t feel comfortable using Johanna’s money. She was struggling enough as it was, so it was the least I could do. My family had struggled for years in Ehrmich, and later in Shiganshina, so I knew what it felt like.

The district was quiet today—perhaps everyone was either too sick or too tired to move about. It was haunting, and every time I walked past a man, woman, or child perched on the sidewalk next to me, I felt my skin prickle. I couldn’t bear to gaze into their dark, hopeless eyes any longer than necessary.

_I never thought a place like this could turn out to be as bad as the Underground City._

And this was _after_ the reclamation operation—there had once been even more people than this. No wonder disease ran rampant.

When we approached the market, we were met with a crowd of civilians, all dressed in dirty clothing. Bruises littered their faces, and some of them even had thin scratches along their necks, which were still red with blood. More than a handful of the ones we could see coughed into their elbows—and some of them didn’t stop coughing at all.

My nose crinkled behind the white mask I wore. The sooner we picked up the supplies Johanna needed, the sooner we could get out of here.

But the moment I stepped forward, a heavy wall appeared before me. I grunted and gazed up at the barrier: a bulky man, taller than me and my companion (of course), with clumps of dirt smeared on his face and in his hair. His muscular arms were partially hidden by a filthy tan shirt with long sleeves, and the pants he wore were caked with dirt, as well. His eyes were black and menacing, but they weren’t my main concern. I couldn’t peel my eyes away from the skin of his clenched fist, which was freshly split and shadowed with blood.

“You got a lot of nerve showin’ your face around here, runt.” His gravelly voice sent shivers down my spine. “Your buddies sent us out there—against those _monsters_! And you waltz up in here like you own the place?!”

 _So…he must be one of the survivors from the reclamation operation_. My mind was racing. How could I calm him down and get us both out of here in one piece?

I’d never been confronted publicly by a citizen based on my military status before. I knew it happened, but for some reason, the heckling was never really directed toward me. What would I do if this man decided to get aggressive, or even _violent_ with me? Maybe I could hold my own, like Dad did back in Ehrmich District when I was four years old.

 _I need your strength, Dad_. “I understand your frustration, sir,” I began, willing my voice to stay steady, “but the Scouts were not in charge of deciding who was assigned to participate in the operation. The royal government—”

“What difference does it make?” he spat, inching closer to my face. It took everything I had not to step back; there was no way I could show weakness to him. “You’re all in bed together anyway! You live off of _our_ tax money, you kill _our_ soldiers, and when you run out of them, you send _our_ fellow citizens out there beyond the Walls! I know _exactly_ what your plans are, you little bitch—don’t try to tell me different!”

The fear quickly bubbled up into rage at his words. They were nothing but assumptions. How _dare_ he suggest we enjoyed sending our fellow soldiers out to die! How _dare_ he try to say we purposely wanted the citizens to suffer! He was just as ignorant as the man who had confronted my father, all those years ago.

“We are nothing like that, sir. We fight for people like you. We lay down our lives for you. Hell, some of us have even _died_ for you! Everything the Scouts have done, we’ve done it for your sake. We do it all to give you a chance for a better life.”

“And _this_ is a better life?!” His hand swept over the crowd of people around us, his eyes burning with anger. “Face it, you runt: you’re all a bunch of suicidal maniacs. And we would all be better off without you.”

_Keep it together, don’t lose your temper!_

Too late. I was my father’s daughter, after all.

“It’s because of us that you’re even alive, sir.”

_Damn it!_

The man’s huge meaty fingers curled around the front of my shirt in a flash, pulling me up to face those dark and violent eyes. My heart leapt in my throat as my hands clawed at the fist, trying to free myself. I fought back a squeak as his rotten breath passed my face, seeping through the white rag around my chin.

“Try me, bitch. Go ahead, keep runnin’ that pretty little mouth of yours and see where it gets you.”

Suddenly, he shrieked in pain, releasing my shirt and taking a few steps back. He cradled his right hand—the one he had grabbed me with—to his chest. A dark stain began forming underneath his sleeve.

I could only stare at him with a slack jaw. _What—?_

“I suggest you keep your filthy hands to yourself,” Levi growled, moving to stand in front of me. “She doesn’t need a piece of shit like you dirtying her up.”

Clenched in his hand was a small pocket knife, much like the one I had stashed in my belt before we’d left the base yesterday. The tip glistened with a red shine, which made my stomach drop.

_Did he— Oh, God, why did he antagonize him?!_

I remembered my mother chiding Dad after he told her about beating up the civilian who came after him in Ehrmich. She said it was wrong to fight them, even when we felt like we deserved to. We were the face of the military, so we had to act like the bigger adults in the room.

I wondered if her attitude would change if she found out one of them had just put his hands on her daughter?

The bulky man spat at us, still holding his hand. “You bastard… You’re animals, all of you!”

“The only one acting like an animal here is you,” he replied coolly, his eyes never leaving the man’s hunched form. “Now it would be best if you left us alone… Or stay, if you want your other hand to match.”

But the man wasn’t stupid. With a fierce glare in our direction, he stumbled to his feet and began walking past us. However, he wasn’t through yet. In a last attempt to defile us, he reeled his head back and spit in my direction. I flinched when a few drops fell on my cheek and forehead.

Before Levi could follow him, my hand shot out and grasped the sleeve of his jacket. “Don’t,” I hissed, wiping off the spit with my own sleeve. “It’s alright, let him go. We don’t want to cause any more trouble.”

His eyes stayed focused on the man, even after he all but disappeared into the crowd around us. The citizens were slowly beginning to continue with their day, shifting their attention away from us. I was thankful for that—I didn’t need any more angry citizens launching themselves down my throat.

Finally, Levi relaxed underneath my hand, and a sigh left his lips. With a grunt, he reached into his jacket pocket, retrieving a small gray rag and holding it out to me. I didn’t hesitate to take it and wipe my face with it. My skin still burned from the saliva, even after it had been cleaned away.

“Damn bastard,” he muttered, his gray eyes slanting dangerously. “He doesn’t deserve to live. He doesn’t—”

“Levi, stop.” My voice was harsher this time, and I did my best to meet the ferocity of his glare. “It’s over and done with. It happens sometimes. But we have to move on.”

“Don’t give me that shit. You want to tear him apart as much as I do. Admit it.”

I did, and I wouldn’t shy away from it. But my mother’s words rang true in my head: I had to be the bigger man in the room. As tempting as it was, I couldn’t go after and beat up every civilian who had spoken out against the Survey Corps. I had to take their comments like a soldier and bite my tongue all the way through. I didn’t like it, but that was just the way it was.

Levi would have to learn that, too, and sooner rather than later.

“Yeah, maybe I do.” I dropped my voice low, so only he could hear me in the silent streets. “But we have to represent the Survey Corps. We don’t want to give them a bad image because we decided to go after a civilian. Believe me, I’m okay. He didn’t bother me too much.”

Despite my smile, I was _shaking_ inside. I had felt so hopeless as he practically plucked me off the ground and held me up to his face. I was too busy trying to get his hands off me that I hadn’t even thought about reaching behind me for the knife strapped to my belt. My mind had been an absolute wreck—but I wasn’t going to admit that to him. I had my own problems to deal with, there was no reason to burden him with them. Especially when he didn’t seem to care all that much to begin with.

|~|

The two of us had returned to Johanna’s home soon after, thankfully without running into any more problems. Sure, we received a few sideways looks from the other citizens, but that was to be expected. It wasn’t every day they saw a pair of Survey Corps soldiers prowling the streets of their district.

Ma was still breathing by the time we made it back home, but she was growing weaker. Johanna predicted tonight would be her last night, and she suggested I say my final goodbyes while I still could.

For the rest of the day, I tended to her every need in silence. Both Levi and Johanna had left me alone, which I was grateful for. They both knew I needed my space. As long as I could, I would cherish these last few hours with my mother.

Finally, the sun set, and the moon crawled into the sky. Once Johanna retreated to her room, and Levi had settled in his usual spot on the couch, I went to Ma’s room and brought her a fresh cup of tea. Thankfully, she agreed to sip some while it was still warm.

As she finally laid back down, she gave me a soft smile. For a moment, she looked just how I’d left her back in Shiganshina, the last time Ben, Leyna and I met up with her over a year ago. I swallowed the hard lump in my throat as her gorgeous blue eyes bore into mine.

“Baby, don’t be scared.” Her voice was barely a whisper, but I hung on to every word. “It’s alright. I’ll be with your daddy soon.”

Suddenly, I felt like I was four years old again, crying my eyes out because Ben had pulled my hair too harshly, or Leyna had refused to let me play with one of her toys. Ma would scoop me up in her arms and rock me against her chest, singing softly in my ear. She was the most musical one in our family—Dad had always told us she used to sing him to sleep whenever he visited home during his time in the Survey Corps. Even when he was on his deathbed, sucking in his last breath, he praised her lovely voice and the gentle songs she would sing.

Now, I wanted nothing more than to be wrapped in her arms. I wanted to hold her tightly, to never let her go. I wanted to plead with whatever god that watched over us from above to spare her, that Leyna and I still needed her. Sure, it was selfish to keep her from Dad and Ben, but they weren’t the only ones who missed her. Leyna and I couldn’t survive in this world all by ourselves. We were too far away from each other to begin with, and without Ben or Ma to act as a buffer between us whenever we clashed heads, we were sure to drive each other further apart.

I fought back a sob as Ma patted the spot next to her on the bed. Without even bothering to kick off my boots—which would annoy Levi, I was certain of it—I climbed up next to her, nestling my head on her shoulder. Her bony arm draped over my shoulders, her frail fingers stroking my hair. My bottom lip trembled between my teeth as she whispered sweet nothings in my ear.

“I’ll be with Alexander. After all these years, I’ll finally see him again. Is he with Ben? I hope so. I haven’t seen him in so long. I hope he’s still being a good boy.”

She was rambling again, but I didn’t have the heart to stop her. I could let her have this moment, if nothing else. So I simply sniffled and buried my face deeper into her shoulder.

“Don’t cry, Mimi,” she murmured, pressing her lips to my forehead. “You’ll be fine. I don’t want you to be scared, okay? You’ll have Leyna, so you two keep each other safe.”

Never mind the fact we were in two separate divisions that hated each other’s guts. But this didn’t seem to cross Ma’s mind—apparently, it was already too far gone.

“Tell me, baby…who’s that boy you’re with?”

I almost fell off the bed. “Uh, what…?” Surely she wasn’t talking about Levi; he’d stayed clear of her ever since we arrived yesterday. But then…who else could she be referring to? Had Johanna told her about him?

“The boy that came with you…the one who protects you…” Her voice was fading, but the smile was clear on her face. “Maybe he’s your…special someone.”

I had to humor her, no matter how far off she was. So I shook my head and faked a laugh, doing my best to hide the tears that formed in my eyes. “Maybe, but I don’t know. We’ll have to see.”

It wasn’t likely, even in the slightest, but I couldn’t think about that now. I didn’t want to distract myself from Ma’s worsening condition, in case she happened to need me in the night.

“Perhaps…”

There was another silence, with nothing but our breaths mingling together. I cherished the warmth of her ragged skin and the feeling of her lips on my head. Slowly, I felt the weight of today’s events pile on me, and my eyelids began to droop. Just for a moment, I pretended to be four years old again, falling asleep in the crook of her neck as she sang me to sleep.

“I love you, Mia. Don’t be afraid.”

The last thing I felt was her hand ghosting over my face, brushing my tears away.

|~|

The sun had barely risen when I woke up the next morning. The first thing I noticed was my mother’s cold hand draped over my shoulder. When I shook her arm, urging her to wake up, I realized she wasn’t breathing anymore.

She was gone.

Grief hits you in various ways, depending on the person you lose. It was the same for me, and the people I had lost throughout my life. When Dad had died, all I felt was sadness and longing. After losing Rosalie and Emmett, I felt guilty and responsible for their deaths. When I lost Flagon, Daisy, and Sairam, along with Isabel and Furlan, I felt hopeless. When Ben died, I felt nothing but hatred and saw nothing but red.

Now…I just felt empty. Cold, raw, dreadful _nothingness_.

I was still in my Survey Corps outfit, jacket and boots and all, so it didn’t take me too long to make it out of the house. As far as I knew, I was the only one awake. I was the only one who knew Ma was no longer with us.

The chilly winter air caressed my arms and legs the moment I stepped outside, giving me a sense of calm. I felt at ease with the early morning wind brushing against my neck and cheeks, rubbing them until they shined a bright red. My skin prickled with gooseflesh, but it didn’t startle me. If anything, I was relieved I could feel it. I was relieved I could feel anything at all.

_Ma is gone. Ben, Dad, please watch over her._

Deep down, something told me I’d known all along. Even before we arrived in Trost a few days ago, I knew Ma didn’t have much time left with us. And the moment I saw her lying in her bed, her skin pasty and ragged and her breathing labored, my fears were confirmed. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.

But I couldn’t run from the truth anymore. I couldn’t squish it down and shove it into the back of my mind like I used to. Like I did with Dad, and Rosalie and Emmett, and Flagon and Ben. I had to face it, no matter how cold and harsh it was. My mother was dead, and I would no longer feel her warmth against me.

The door behind me suddenly opened, creaking softly in the cold wind. When I gazed over my shoulder, my stomach turned to stone and dropped to my shoes. Shutting the door behind him, Levi stared back at me, his face expressionless.

I didn’t know what else to do. All I knew was that I needed to be told everything would be okay. That I would make it through this. That, despite everything that happened, I would continue to march forward.

The weight of losing my mother came crashing down hard, and a wave of tears spilled from my eyes. I choked out a sob and rushed toward him without a second thought. He stiffened underneath my touch as I gripped the front of his gray shirt and buried my face in his chest. The tears kept coming, and my breaths became heavier. I prayed with all my might he wouldn’t shove me away in disgust, even if I deserved it.

All the memories I had of Ma kept flooding back to me, one after another. I remembered the elegant way she would braid her hair, and the waves they left in her blond locks the next day. Leyna had loved her hair so much she’d practically begged her to put her own hair in twin braids every day, so she would have wavy hair just like her. I remembered the quilt her mother had left her, and the way she would wrap it around either me, Ben, or Leyna whenever we were sick. When we were toddlers, she would take turns holding us and singing us to sleep.

As we grew older, her affection for us never faltered. Every day, when we came home from school, she would be waiting for us with a hug and a kiss. On special days, she would even prepare a plate of sweets for us, whether they were cookies, tarts, or even strudel. When Dad came home to visit, she would treat us with a homemade cake. Whenever Leyna and I begged her to tell us how she made her desserts so tasty, she would smile and shake her head. “Chef’s secret,” she would reply with a wink.

Now, I would no longer see her smile or hear her laugh. I would never feel her lips against my cheek or forehead again, or her arms around me and her chest against mine. I’d never hear my name in her voice or see her handwriting in the letters she sent me.

She had been taken from me, and I had been powerless to stop it. Just like with all the others I’d lost over the years.

I was startled that Levi had allowed me to stay pressed against him for as long as he had. I didn’t expect him to sweep me in his arms and hold me tight, to tell me that everything was alright. He wasn’t that kind of guy. I just needed to know he was here with me. His presence was everything I could ask for at the moment.

But it was my turn to freeze when I felt him rest his hand on the top of my head. He didn’t shove me away like I expected; instead, he gently ran his fingers through my hair, careful not to catch any of the snarls or tangled that had built up over the night. I no longer had it in its usual half up half down style, so it hung freely over my shoulders.

“She’s gone,” I muttered, his shirt becoming wrinkled in my sweaty hands. The signature white cravat brushed against my cheek as I continued to cry into his chest. “I don’t… She’s not…” I didn’t even know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I was so lost without my mother already.

He grunted softly, still threading his fingers through my hair. “I know.” His voice was strained from sleep, but it was still soft and comforting. Perhaps the softest I’d ever heard him speak, besides the day Ben had been killed, when he had told me there was nothing I could have done for him.

Was it the same for Ma? Could I have done anything else to make sure she stayed in this world with me and my sister? Or was it some higher power up above that decided to take her for itself? It wasn’t her time to leave, but it hadn’t been Dad’s time, either. And it certainly hadn’t been Ben’s time.

So I simply stood there, with my face buried in the gray fabric of his shirt, as the tears continued to fall. Although we both knew I was making a mess, he let me remain, keeping his hand against my head. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...what can I say? Mia just needs a break at this point, poor kid... Her relationship with her mom, in my eyes, is often overlooked because I've constantly compared Mia to her father, and Leyna to her mother. I rarely get to dabble with her relationship with Annika, and I hope to write in a few flashback scenes later on in the story. 
> 
> I find it interesting how she reacts to death in various ways, depending on who she's lost. Her reaction to her mother's death is vastly different from Ben's, and that's different from her father's death, and so on. I really want to get into why she acts the way she does in future chapters. But I guess life isn't easy for the soldiers in the Survey Corps. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Let me know what you guys think! :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, this chapter wasn't meant to exist - it was the second half of Chapter 18, but so much happened in between that I decided to break it off and make it its own thing. It's a little slower than some of the other chapters, but it's necessary, for Mia's sake (and the story's, haha).

|XIX|

I don’t remember much after that. By midday, the nearby hospital had sent some of its workers to take Ma’s body away. She had told Johanna beforehand that she wanted to leave the same way Dad had: cremated and buried next to my father. The only problem was, my father’s remains were all the way back in the cemetery outside Shiganshina. To compromise, we agreed to have her buried in the cemetery on the very edge of Wall Rose, right near Trost District.

I didn’t stick around for the funeral pyre. We didn’t attend Dad’s funeral pyre either—although it sounded heartless, it was a tradition of the Wolf family. We would always skip watching our loved ones burn and opt to visit their graves the next day. But due to the number of people who had died from the disease, it would take some time before a proper grave could be established.

And I knew I couldn’t stay in Trost any longer than I had to. I would go insane if I had nothing to do. The best thing for me right now was to get back to base and keep my hands busy.

I hadn’t said many words to Levi since he had held me the morning I learned my mother had died. For the most part, he left me alone to deal with my grief. I was thankful for that; he didn’t hang over me like Johanna did.

On the night after my mother had passed, once Johanna had gone to sleep, I found myself in the kitchen, making myself some tea. As I waited for the pot to boil, I fetched two cups from the shelf above and rinsed them out. I wasn’t a huge fan of tea—I would drink it only once in a while—but I needed to keep myself preoccupied. Besides, I knew that Levi would have some if I made it.

As if on cue, I heard footsteps behind me. I was pouring the tea into the cups just as he walked into the kitchen, and before he reached me, I spun around and held one of the cups out to him. He stopped short, his eyes falling to the hot liquid. I hid a smile as he took it, holding it by the top in that strange way of his.

Without a word, I made my way past him and sat down at the table, holding my cup close. A few moments later, he joined me, taking a seat in the chair adjacent to me. The two of us sat in silence, quietly sipping our tea.

I didn’t expect him to speak, so I did instead. “Ma always loved her tea. She had each of us learn how to make it just the way she liked when we got older.” A breathless laugh passed my lips. “My sister Leyna used to tell us she made the best tea, but my father told her otherwise. They always got into fights over it.”

I remembered the last time Levi had tried comforting me—a few weeks after Ben’s death, during our first nightly training session. Talking to him about Ben had lessened the pain, and I hoped it would do the same with Ma. So far, I had been able to keep it together. I hoped it would last until we made it back to base.

I took another sip, keeping my eyes focused on the table. I was scared I would lose it if I looked at him, even for a second. And he didn’t need yet another encounter with a crying Mia—he had seen too much of her already.

 _You’re doing fine, Wolf. Keep talking, it’s helping._ Indeed, I started to feel a little better.

“She actually met Dad in Mitras, when they were both fifteen. He was on business with the other Scouts, and she was visiting some of her family. But she actually lived in Ehrmich District.” I swished my cup around, watching the tea spiral softly. “Her aunt and uncle owned a bakery, so she would usually help out there whenever she visited them. And then…she met Dad when he and his friend Benjamin came running in one day. Apparently, they had snuck away from their Squad Leaders because they were bored.”

This time, I actually laughed. I remembered the day Dad had told me and my siblings that story, and Ma had stood behind him with her arms crossed, making sure he told it exactly how it happened. When he was done, she nodded in approval and gave him a kiss on his cheek, much to our disgust, in our innocent five-year-old minds. But now that I thought about it, I could see Hanji and I doing the same thing. In fact, the two of us had gotten into so much trouble during our time as cadets that I couldn’t even count all the instances on both hands.

No wonder I was so much like my father. I was practically him when he was younger, and Leyna was the younger version of Ma. Ben had been a healthy mix of both of our parents, nervously trying to bridge the gap between us. We had been such a happy family of five.

And now, it was just me and Leyna.

My face fell at this realization, and suddenly, I didn’t want to drink any more tea. I swallowed hard and pushed my cup further on the table, folding my arms underneath my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to hold back the tears.

We were the only ones left in our perfect little family. It was just me and her against this hell we called home. Of course, I had Hanji to lean on, as well as Levi (to an extent), and Leyna had her friend Sara and her boyfriend Emil, back in Mitras. But no matter how many people we came across and befriended, and maybe even grew to love, we couldn’t replace each other. At the end of the day, we were sisters, bound by blood. We were the surviving children of Alexander and Annika, and now that Ben was gone, it was up to us to continue the Wolf family legacy.

I pressed a fist to my mouth, doing my best to hold back a sob. All I wanted right now was the chance to see my sister.

“I know how it feels,” the gray-eyed man beside me finally spoke up. I trembled as I opened my eyes, meeting his usual stoic face. “I get it, believe me.”

What did he mean? Was he referring to losing someone in general, like how we connected through losing Ben, Isabel, and Furlan? Or was he inferring something else? Maybe he was referencing the loss of a mother… Had he lost his mother? Or was she in the Underground City? Had he even known her, like I had known my mother?

I didn’t bother asking these questions; I knew I wouldn’t get any answers out of him. Maybe someday I would, but not tonight.

“It’s just…” I sucked in a sharp breath, rubbing my eyes. “I miss her so much already.” _Come on, don’t cry! Keep it together!_ “But…at least she’s with Dad and Ben again…”

Even though I was suffering, I knew Ma wasn’t anymore. She hadn’t been the same since Dad had died six years ago. Although she acted cheery and loving toward us, I could see it in her eyes. No matter how much she loved me, Leyna, and Ben, there was always a part of her that longed to join Dad in the stars. She could mask her sadness with as many smiles as she wanted, but at the end of the day, I knew she was looking for a way out. Maybe that’s why she had succumbed to the sickness so quickly.

“…We should head back tomorrow morning.”

The moment the words left my lips, I felt those gray eyes burning into my body. I swallowed tightly and lifted my head to meet them; in this light, they seemed more of a silver color rather than their usual dark gray. To be honest, I preferred them to be silver rather than gray.

“Are you sure?” He raised his eyebrow at me, lifting his cup to his mouth. He kept his gaze on me, even as he sipped his tea.

“Yeah, I’m sure. It’ll be better once we get back to base. I can’t stay here for too long, anyway.”

Besides, once I got back to base, I had to write to Leyna. I hated to be the one to tell her about our mother’s passing, especially since I had been the one to tell her about Ben, but it had to be done. And it was a little more bearable if I had to do so in writing, rather than face-to-face. I didn’t like seeing my sister upset, and I knew she hated letting other people see her cry.

He hummed again, placing his cup down on the table. “Fine, we’ll leave at dawn.”

He stood up from his seat and scooped up both cups. Just as I thought he was about to leave, he took them to the stove, where the pot of tea was still resting, and refilled both cups. I hid a smile behind my hand.

_Looks like someone enjoys my tea. Take that, Leyna! You’re not the only one who can make good tea!_

When he came back, he handed me my cup instead of just placing it on the table. Thankfully, when our fingers touched, I didn’t feel a ridiculous rush of adrenaline. Instead, I only felt relief and security. I didn’t know why, but he made me feel safe. And the incident in the streets of Trost yesterday had only enforced that notion.

The two of us sat in silence for the rest of the night, finishing the tea and simply enjoying each other’s company. The promise of going back to our base the following morning was a small light. The sooner we got back, the sooner I could start being productive again. Already, I planned on joining Hanji’s squad during their training exercises. Maybe Levi would join us, as well. Although he tended to go off on his own during those exercises, just his presence was enough for me.

It was weird for me, admitting this to myself. Just a few months ago, I was ready to slit his throat for saving me and leaving Ben back in Shiganshina. But just yesterday morning, I was sobbing into his chest, clutching his shirt and fearing he would be taken from me too, if I didn’t hold him tightly enough.

What had happened along the way? What made me change my view of him? Had it been the torrent of emotions I had experienced over the past few months? Was I only appreciating him because of the comfort he gave me when I needed it? Or was it something else?

Did I even see him as a friend? Did I appreciate him in the same vein as I appreciated Hanji? And what did he think of me? Was he only pitying me, or did he only see me as another Scout? With everything he said to me during our nightly training sessions, he told me it was to make sure I would be useful for the Scouts.

He always said it was just business…but was it _really_? Or was it something else? Did I even _want_ it to be something else?

Finally, the two of us had finished the pot, and we set on cleaning the cups. This time, he had insisted on washing them himself (apparently I didn’t do it well enough), so I dried them instead and filed them away in the cupboard. Once we were done, he headed toward the living room, shrugging off his military jacket.

Just before he could get too far away from me, I reached out and gripped his sleeve. As his eyes met mine, I gave him a sad smile.

“…Thanks for…you know…being here with me. It really means a lot.”

If I had come to Trost alone, I would’ve lost it once my mother died. Now, I was thankful to have someone to lean on, even if I was used to it being Hanji. I know Levi wasn’t the warmest person ever, but he still found the time to try to make me feel better. He gave me my space, sure, but when I was lonely, it was almost like he could tell, and he was always there when I needed him. I wondered if he had done the same with Furlan and Isabel, whenever they were upset. For some reason, my chest felt warm when I thought of Levi comforting an upset Isabel in his own unique way.

His eyes widened ever so slightly, and a soft glimmer passed through them, but it was gone before I could question it. He exhaled softly and lifted his hand, gently flicking the air in front of my forehead. I bit my lip, holding back a giggle.

“It’s fine, kid.” _There it is again!_ “Just make sure you don’t sleep in too late tomorrow. You want to get out of here, don’t you?”

“Yeah…”

“Right,” he grunted, turning away from me. “Now get to sleep.”

I turned my head toward the hallway, swallowing the lump in my throat. I wasn’t about to sleep in the same room my mother had died in, and I didn’t want to be alone tonight. My hand reached up and caressed the wolf charm that rested against my throat as I weighed my options.

_If I asked him, would he—_

But the moment I met his gaze again, he seemed to already know what I was going to say. He groaned and rolled his eyes, resting his folded jacket on the table next to the couch. “You’re a real pain in my ass, Wolf.” The second he motioned to the couch, I shed my jacket and boots, hiding my grin all the while.

The couch had three cushions for three seats; if I slept in my usual curled-up position and only took half of the middle cushion, I wouldn’t have to worry about bothering him. Besides, he only used the one on the far side of the couch.

I folded my jacket up and placed it on the arm of the couch. I decided to keep my shirt on; usually I slept in the tank top I wore underneath it, but I had company tonight. I wanted to be as modest as I could. I grabbed a pillow and propped it against the side of the couch before laying down.

There were two blankets draped over the back of the couch, to my relief. I took the first one and wrapped it around my body. I pointed to the second one and turned to Levi. “Do you want it?”

“No, it’s fine.” He leaned back in his usual seat on the couch, sliding his cravat off of his neck. “I don’t need it.”

“Oh, okay…” I couldn’t imagine sleeping without a blanket, but then again, I couldn’t see myself falling asleep while sitting up, like he could. We were two different kinds of people, apparently.

I snuggled into the pillow and pulled my blanket up and over my nose. At least if I slept in here with Levi, I wouldn’t run the risk of sleeping past dawn. He would make sure I was up and moving in time to return to the Survey Corps base.

“Goodnight, Levi.”

“Goodnight, Wolf.”

I was thankful for the darkness of the living room and the blanket covering me. At least now he couldn’t see the huge smile on my face.

|~|

Even though it was early, Johanna still saw us off the next morning. She gave me a tight hug and told me to take care of myself and my sister, whenever I saw her again. Surprisingly, it was difficult to say goodbye to her. I would never be able to thank her enough for taking in Ma and letting her live with her, and for taking care of her before I arrived in Trost. I wished her nothing but happiness in these dark times, and hopefully, she would be able to reach it.

Once we had left her home, Levi and I made our way through the streets and toward the inner gate of Wall Rose. I noticed with a jolt that he stayed closer to me than usual. The incident with the aggressive citizen had left me shaken, and he wasn’t taking any chances. To be honest, I was enjoying his protective nature.

The Garrison soldiers gladly allowed us access to the stables nearby, where Edel and Mischa were kept. My silvery gelding bobbed his head when he saw me, and I wasted no time in wrapping my arms around his huge nose. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mischa graze her tongue along Levi’s outstretched hand, and when she was done, he gave her an affectionate pat on her cheek.

_And he was the one who told me not to get too attached to my own horse._

It took no time at all to tack them up and mount them, and once we were done, we headed back toward our base. The two of us rode in silence, keeping our eyes glued forward. I couldn’t believe it had only been a few days since we’d arrived in Trost. Already, it felt like a lifetime had passed.

“I don’t know why, but I’m going to miss Johanna,” I found myself saying out loud as the two of us slowed to a stop. A river flowed through the small gorge nearby, so we urged our horses forward. The moment we reached it, they brought their heads down for a quick drink.

Levi hummed softly, nodding his head. “She was alright—at least she keeps her house clean.”

I stifled a laugh, raising my hand to my mouth. “Of course _you_ would care about that,” I muttered to myself.

Unfortunately, he seemed to hear what I’d said, and he shot a glare in my direction. “What do you mean by that?”

Nearly two years ago, I would’ve been terrified to answer him with that kind of voice. But now, especially with the last few days exhausting me, I was willing to take a few risks.

“Nothing. I’m just noting your fascination with cleaning. But I guess you’re one of the lucky ones,” I continued, retreating my hand from my face. “I _hate_ cleaning.”

Ever since I was younger, I would always roll my eyes whenever Ma made me and my siblings clean the house with her every two weeks. I didn’t mind washing the dishes, since that was simple, but I hated everything else she assigned for me to do. Dusting made me sneeze, wiping the windows only created more stains, and whenever I swept the floor, I couldn’t figure out where all the excess dust and dirt would go. Once I tried pushing it underneath the carpet in our home back in Ehrmich District, and Leyna had told Ma right away. I had never forgiven her for that.

The only other thing I actually enjoyed was doing laundry. Still, to this day, I found washing my clothes to be calming. Because she would often forget to wash her own, I ended up adding Hanji’s to the pile, as well.

As I expected, Levi wasn’t impressed with my confession. “Tch, I’m not surprised.”

 _Wait a minute…_ “What’s _that_ supposed to mean?” _Is he implying I’m dirty or something? How dare he do that!_

His lips tugged up into a smirk as he met my eyes, which were slanted in anger. “I’m saying I don’t expect much from you like that. You think something’s clean as long as you rinse it with water. Watching you wash dishes is honestly painful.”

“Excuse me, but I use soap, too! I do a damn good job at washing dishes, thank you very much.”

“Keep telling yourself that, Wolf.”

This stupid banter back and forth between us was enough to distract me from the dull pain in my chest that Ma’s departure had left me with. I planned to savor it for as long as I could, just to make myself feel better. I didn’t know if he was aware of this, but either way, I was thankful for him doing it nonetheless.

Edel and Mischa lifted their heads from the river, accidentally bumping their large snouts together. While I giggled at the motion, Levi only rolled his eyes. He gathered Mischa’s reins in his hands, and I did the same with Edel’s.

“Come on, we don’t want to linger.”

“Fine, whatever you say, boss.”

|~|

We managed to make it back to the Survey Corps base before noon—and the moment I tucked Edel away in his stall, I raced back to the girls’ barracks. Levi had told me he would notify Erwin of our return, so I was free to see Hanji and start writing my letter to Leyna. As much as I hated to do it, I knew it had to be done. Besides, it was better to do it now rather than later.

But before I had left, Levi stopped me with his voice: “Make sure you don’t do anything stupid, Wolf.”

I swallowed hard, as I realized he was the same as Hanji on these issues. Just like my bespectacled friend, he was concerned I would hurt myself in my grief. While I had no such plans to do so, I did anticipate I would eventually fall into a spell of depression, as I usually did whenever I lost someone I loved. There was no way I was over Ma’s death, and it would definitely hit me when I least expected it. It would take a long time for me to fully recover from her death.

“…I won’t, I promise.” Promises didn’t mean much to me anymore, but I planned to keep this one for his sake.

When I reached the barracks’, I was relieved to learn it was empty. I shut the door and went to my bed, rummaging in the drawers beside us. Hanji normally kept a pad of paper and a few pens in the bottom drawer of the nightstand we shared, even though she had an office of her own in the castle. She insisted it was just in case she had to write something down in a hurry, but I didn’t believe her. Who knew what she used it for? Her mind was a scary place sometimes. (Okay, most of the time).

With a sinking feeling in my chest, I sat back on the pillows and began writing out the letter. It was better to start it now, since no one else was in the barracks. So, with a trembling hand, I began scrawling the pen across the parchment:

_ Leyna,  _

_ I’m sure you’ve heard from Johanna Kappel, and I hate to be the one to tell you this. Ma is gone, taken by the disease floating around in Trost. She wasn’t in any pain, and she left with a smile on her face.  _

_ I know you’re sad, and I am, too. But we’ll work through this together. The next time I’m in Mitras, I’ll make sure to visit you. I know you’re busy, and I’m busy with the other Scouts, but I’ll come visit you whenever I can.  _

_ Don’t beat yourself up over this. Ma loved both of us, and she’ll continue to love us from above. She told me herself.  _

_ I miss you so much. I hope I’ll be able to see you soon. I love you, sister.  _

_ Love, Mia _

By now, my tears had stained the corners of the letter. Was it too sappy? I was never the best writer (that was Ben and Hanji’s preferred profession), and the words I wanted to say could never translate from my mind and onto the paper.

With a groan, I shoved the letter into the drawer. I would wrap it up later and send it out when the Scouts’ messenger left the day after tomorrow at dawn. Besides, the more I thought about it now, the more I would want to rewrite it. And the more I rewrote something, the worse it tended to turn out.

The door opened, and in stepped Hanji herself, soaked with sweat and her goggles foggy. The moment she saw me, she froze in her tracks, her jaw dropping to the floor.

“Mia!”

She rushed forward and hugged me tightly, holding me against her sweaty form. When I felt her heartbeat against my own, tears sprang into my eyes, and I wasted no time in returning her embrace. By the Walls, I had missed her these past few days.

“Are you okay?” I sniffled and shook my head, my hair brushing against her messy ponytail. In response, her grip on me tightened. “Is your mom…alright?”

“She’s dead.”

Hanji winced and pulled away from me. Upon seeing the tears streaming down my cheeks, her own chocolate eyes filled with tears. “Honey, I… I’m so sorry, Mia…”

It was no secret that Ma wasn’t a fan of Hanji, and my best friend had returned the feelings. My mother had always thought she was a bad influence on me, and Hanji thought she was too uptight sometimes. But at the end of the day, Ma appreciated the fact I finally had a best friend. Hanji, on the other hand, even had to admit that my mother was a great cook, and she would never say it out loud, but she thought the quilts she made in her spare time were extremely warm and comforting.

But even Hanji was upset over her death, despite their animosities toward each other in the past. With a sigh, she pulled me into another hug, which I returned in a heartbeat. I didn’t even care about the fact she was all sweaty and gross from training.

“How are you holding up?”

It took me a moment before I could respond. “I’ll be okay. I just…I just need to keep myself busy.”

She hummed in agreement before pulling away from me again. However, she kept her hands on my shoulders. “And…what about Levi? I knew you guys went together. He wasn’t a dick to you, was he?”

I gave her a small, tired smile. “Not too much. Don’t tell anyone, but he’s…actually kind of nice, once you get to know him.”

At this, a sly smile found its way on her face. “Oh, is he, now? You’ll have to tell me about it later on, then.”

“Oh, stop it.” I playfully shoved her away, and she returned the favor. This made me laugh, but it wasn’t a real one. I was still exhausted, both physically and emotionally. “I think I’m going to do some training. Is it okay if I join you guys?”

“Well,” she began, her smile faltering, “you can if you want to. Are you sure you want to do that?”

“It’ll be better if I keep myself preoccupied. I’ll be fine, trust me.”

Although she nodded and accepted my request, I could tell she was still doubtful. Honestly, considering my history with grieving over people, I wasn’t surprised anymore.

|~|

After Hanji had made me eat at least half of my dinner, I left the mess hall early to take care of Edel. I didn’t plan on riding him tonight, since he still needed his rest, but he kept me company when I needed it. Sometimes he was the easiest one here to talk to, especially since he couldn’t respond. He couldn’t judge me, like Leyna would, or annoy me with unnecessary chatter, like Hanji tended to do.

As I refilled his food trough and freshened the water in his bucket, I remembered the day I was assigned to him, shortly after Hanji and I had joined the Survey Corps. He was a three-year-old sweetheart, eager to please his new owner. Due to his gentle nature and playful personality, I quickly fell in love with him. After learning that some of the other cadets had named their own horses, I decided to name him Edel.

His full name was Edelweiss, but Edel was easier to say in a rush. My father had told me about the edelweiss flower, which were rumored to grow in the northern half of the Walls. The Wolf family had originally come from Fuerth District, in the far northern areas of Wall Maria, and they used to pick edelweiss flowers and decorate their homes with them; in return, they would plant even more of them in their free time, so the flowers wouldn’t die out. Unfortunately, they were forced to move away from the district, and when they moved to Shiganshina, their days of collecting edelweiss flowers came to an end.

As far as I knew, only a few members of the Wolf family were left in the Walls. There was me, Leyna, and our aunt Sophia, who was currently living in Orvud District. She used to live in Shiganshina, and then moved to Ehrmich District when my siblings and I were nine years old, but left to go further north when she wanted to start a jewelry shop. She was always charmed by the wolf necklaces her parents had left her and her twin sister, so she wanted to learn how to make them herself. Before leaving for Ehrmich, she had passed the two wolf necklaces to my mother, telling her to give them to her daughters and to continue the Wolf family tradition.

I swallowed hard at the memory of my mother. _God, I miss you, Ma._

Edel didn’t object when I walked into his stall. Now that it was cleaner than usual (courtesy of a certain clean freak), I found it easier to sit on the floor. I didn’t have to worry about spooking Edel; I had fallen asleep in his stall one too many times before.

I sat against the door, making sure it was closed but not locked, and pulled my jacket closer to me. Maybe I could just rest my eyes for a few moments. I had had a busy day; I deserved a few minutes of sleep.

|~|

When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was the sunlight peeking through the window. _Wait, window?_

I sat up in my bed, the covers pooling around my waist. I frowned as I took in my surroundings. I was no longer in Edel’s stable. Instead, I was in the girls’ barracks, with at least half of the girls getting dressed and preparing themselves for the day ahead.

“Well, look who decided to wake up!”

Hanji’s face hung down from the top bunk, her glasses barely hanging onto her face. I rolled my eyes at her and kicked off the covers. I was still dressed in my usual military outfit, minus the jacket and boots. When I glanced at the nightstand, I saw my jacket folded neatly, and my boots leaning against the drawers.

“Hanji, did you bring me in last night? I can’t remember.”

“Of course you can’t. You were out, sweetie. But no, I didn’t bring you in. I only put you to bed.”

I raised my eyebrow. “Then…” _Who brought me inside?_

Her mouth strung up into a smirk. “I think you can take a guess. I’ll give you a hint: he’s short and mean-looking.”

My jaw dropped. Wait, no, that couldn’t be true. She was lying. Had it really been _Levi_ who had brought me inside last night?

But the dumb smile on her face told me otherwise. She wasn’t lying; Hanji never lied about something like this.

I bit my lip, raising my hand and fiddling with the wolf charm of my necklace. I couldn’t believe it. Of all the people who could have found me sleeping in Edel’s stall in the middle of the night, it had to be Levi. I wondered whether or not his protective nature would falter once we left Trost and made it back to base, but apparently, that wasn’t the case. Even though we had made it back safely, he still felt the need to look out for me.

“Aw, look! You’re smiling! That’s adorable!”

“Shut up!” I grabbed my pillow and threw it toward her head. With a yelp, she scurried back onto her bed on top, barely missing the pillow.

“You guys would make such a cute couple, though!”

“I said shut it, Hanji!”

Without warning, I grabbed the pillow again and made my way up to the top bunk. Hanji was going to get it this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted this chapter to focus more on the two of them becoming friends rather than potential lovers; it would've been disrespectful to Annika if I made Mia focus more on romance right after her death. Instead, she's starting to see Levi as a friend - someone she can trust. 
> 
> Also, a quick note: you may have noticed that I've updated the tags for this story. In the near future, this story will start dealing with some of those themes mentioned above (let's say, around Chapter 24 things will start to heat up). But it's still a slow burn story - I have to tease you guys someway! ;) 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think. Stay safe and healthy, and I'll see you when I post the next chapter!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's the 20th chapter! It was a little difficult writing this chapter, since I was going through a minor writer's block, but that's all done and taken care of now, thankfully. I hope you guys enjoy! :)

|XX|

The weather grew warmer in the next month or so, and finally, spring had arrived. Anna’s baby bump was showing more and more with each passing day, and her light-hearted attitude and overall happiness was starting to rub off on the rest of the Scouts. After the harsh winter we had endured, it was refreshing to be able to smile again.

Leyna had replied to my letter shortly after I had sent it, apologizing for not being able to visit Trost. Apparently, her superior officer, the bastard that he was, refused to let her leave Mitras on any occasion, arguing that as a member of the king’s personal squad, she was too valuable to simply leave the capital. But I would be able to see her soon; the Scouts were expected to report to Mitras in the days following our next expedition, which would take place in about a month from now. Erwin wanted to wait until the new batch of recruits came in—if there even were any.

I kept up with my training as best as I could, perfecting my Titan kills in the forest with Hanji and her squad. My nightly one-on-one lessons with Levi had gotten much more serious, now that he was having me run the course of wooden Titans throughout the forest. Although I still struggled, I was able to spin myself in the air and slash at a Titan’s nape with the back of my blades, holding the one in my right hand in reverse. My slashes still weren’t as clean and concise as his own, but I was proud of them nonetheless. Whenever I finished the course, all sixteen Titans’ rubber napes cut out and strewn out along the forest floor, I landed on the middle branch of the furthest tree, where he was always waiting for me.

Tonight was no different. I landed in a crouching position on our usual branch, feeling the familiar adrenaline rush ebb away. My arms and legs were trembling, and my heart felt as though it would break through my chest, but I still had a smile on my face. I stood up and sheathed my blades, still panting hard.

“You’re getting better,” he finally spoke up, his eyes meeting mine. “Still a little sloppy on your transitions, but we’ll work on that.”

It was the best I could get out of him, but it was enough to keep my smile up. With a heavy sigh, I sat down on the branch, leaning my right shoulder against the trunk. Levi handed me a small silver canteen, and I took it without hesitation. The cool water soothed my burning throat instantly.

“Hey, ease up. You don’t want to get sick, and I’m not cleaning up after you if you do.”

I rolled my eyes and pulled the canteen away from my lips. Already, the water inside was half gone, and my stomach was starting to churn. But I felt fine. He worried about me too much.

I hadn’t asked him if he really had been the one to bring me inside on that winter night, when I fell asleep in Edel’s stall. I was too scared to ask, in case Hanji happened to be lying. I didn’t want her to give me false hope—I didn’t want her to tease me about the possibility of me and him becoming actual friends.

_Or maybe even more._

I groaned internally, pressing a hand to my forehead. For the past few weeks, whenever I wasn’t with him, I couldn’t get him out of my mind. All I could think of were the times we spent together, and the way he treated me when no one was looking. Whenever we were with Hanji, he acted like is usual cold and jerkish self, never passing up the chance to insult either of us. He never shied away from letting us know just how much Hanji was annoying him with her constant chatter, and he complained sometimes that I could be too uptight, as I tried my best to reign in my best friend’s antics. I think that had been one of the few traits my mother had passed down to me.

But when we were alone, he was a bit softer. Sure, he was still cold, and he refused to tell me much about his past life, but he treated me gently. He would mess up my hair and flick my forehead whenever he deemed me a brat. And honestly…I loved the attention. The fact that I was able to draw out such actions from him was touching, and whenever I realized that only I could do this, and no one else could (except for maybe Hanji, to an extent), a blush rose up to my face.

It was such a refreshing dynamic. Other than Ben, I had never had a close relationship with a guy before, not counting Jax. Sure, I was friends with Erwin, Mike, and the rest of the Scouts, but I never spent more than a few hours with them outside of training. With Levi, it was different. I looked forward to our nightly lessons and savored the feeling of his hand on my head. Hell, even the names he called me were starting to grow on me. Perhaps he had even referred to Isabel as a brat before, when she and Furlan were still alive.

But it wasn’t like that. I didn’t like him _that_ way, and I never would. I had to stop myself now before I got too carried away with my thoughts.

 _Special someone—yeah, right._ If I did ever find my soulmate, it sure as hell wasn’t going to be this short-stack.

Suddenly, the branch underneath us creaked, and he sat down next to me, his shoulder brushing mine. The only things keeping us from touching each other were the boxes of blades from our ODM gear. I had pulled mine all the way back so I could sit more comfortable, and when I looked I could see he had done the same.

The two of us sat in silence, gazing down at the slew of wooden Titan dummies below us. It wasn’t an awkward silence, but it wasn’t comfortable, either. I felt like I should say something, but I didn’t know what to say. And I wasn’t about to bring up the fact he had carried me back to the girls’ barracks on that night a few weeks ago. No, I didn’t want to bring anything up that could make me feel embarrassed.

I would _not_ give him the satisfaction of seeing me flustered again—not since that incident in the medical wing.

So instead, I moved onto an easier topic: “I hope we get a few more recruits from the batch of cadets this year.” This year, the 100th Training Corps would be graduating; with a smile, I realized it had been ten years since my siblings and I had graduated ourselves.

Typically, only around twenty or so cadets joined up each spring, none of them from the top ten of their class. However, that didn’t diminish their skill; there had been plenty of recruits over the years that had shown excellent teamwork and strategic promise. They had my respect even before I met them personally. They had the guts to stand up to the Titans and put their lives at risk, even at such a young age. They knew the dangers of joining up with us, and yet they proceeded to do so anyway.

I swallowed hard. Rosalie and Emmett had been part of the 97th Training Corps, with neither of them graduating in the top ten, but ranking in the top twenty instead. Shadis had put me in charge of them in the spring of 843, after they had graduated, and I had lost them in the beginning of summer the following year.

With a tight swallow, I thought about telling Levi about them—but then I decided against it. He didn’t need to be burdened with my mistakes. They were mine and mine alone to carry. Besides, I didn’t want him to think of me as an irresponsible idiot who couldn’t even keep two sixteen-year-old recruits safe.

 _Rosalie Richards. Emmett Johansson_. These were the names I had whispered to myself on the nights following their deaths. I would squeeze my eyes shut and whisper them softly, praying with all my heart that their memories would not slip away from me.

“And?” Levi looked at me expectantly, his silver eyes slanted, as usual. “You want to lead some of them?”

I gazed down at my lap, playing with the wolf charm against my neck. Did I want to lead another squad? Of course I did. But did I deserve to? Absolutely not.

First it was Rosalie and Emmett, and then it was Flagon and the rest. I couldn’t keep a squad alive to save my life, and I had no idea why. I was thankful the other Scouts didn’t view me as a cursed soldier yet, but who knew how long that would last?

“I don’t know,” I finally answered, my face burning with shame. “I haven’t had luck with squads in the past.”

I could still feel his eyes on me, and the blush on my face only grew stronger. Was I easy for him to read, like Hanji always told me? I knew he was observant—could he already tell what was bothering me? Could he put the pieces together and assume my whole life story, just like that?

If he did, he didn’t say anything about it. Instead, he only shrugged his shoulders and turned away, keeping his head tilted upwards. With a swallow, I followed his gaze. Through the leaves of the trees, the stars twinkled above us.

_I guess Ma is one of them now._

A rare sense of peace washed over me. For a split second, I forgot about the pains of Rosalie and Emmett’s deaths. I forgot about losing Flagon and his squad, and Isabel and Furlan. I forgot about the anger I had felt when Ben was eaten by a Titan in Shiganshina. I forgot about the numbness I had felt after losing both Dad and Ma.

Right now, none of that mattered. I was alive, content with the memories of my loved ones, and knowing my sister was safe in Mitras. I was grateful to have Hanji as my friend, despite her many flaws. And yes, I was even thankful for the black-haired Scout at my side, no matter how grumpy he always seemed.

“You don’t have to carry so much on your own,” he suddenly whispered, making me jolt. “It’s not healthy for someone your age.”

I swallowed, clasping the small wolf between my thumb and pointer finger. _Maybe he’s right— Wait, what?_

_Someone **my** age? _

“What do you mean by that?” He only looked at me, his expression never changing. “I’m not that old!”

“I know you’re not.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not young, either! I’m probably the same age as you.” My skin prickled when I saw a smug smile take shape on his face. “Wait…how old _are_ you, exactly?”

He shifted in his seat, inching closer to me. I prayed the darkness around us would cover the rising blush on my face. “Take a guess, kid.”

He couldn’t be too much older than me, right? I mean, he could also have a youthful face. I would be twenty-five years old in June, and I still got mistaken for a twenty-year-old sometimes. He seemed about the same age as me, either twenty-five or twenty-six. I didn’t see him as over thirty.

“Um…twenty-six…?”

“Not bad. Now add three to that.”

 _Twenty-seven, twenty-eight_ … My jaw dropped as it all started coming together. “Wait, you’re twenty-nine?!”

With a shrug of his shoulders, he neared my face, that smug smile never vanishing. By now, I could see the blue shadow in his silver eyes. “Is that so hard to believe, brat?”

“…Y-yeah, kind of!” He was nearly thirty! He looked nothing like it! _I guess I was right about that deceptively youthful face_. “I mean, not to be rude or anything… I just assumed you were closer to twenty-five, like me.”

It didn’t bother me that he was four years older than me. I found it endearing, in a way. The fact that someone that much older than me was willing to spend time with me was comforting, in a weird sort of way. At least I wasn’t seen as an annoying youngling, as Dad used to refer to the new recruits as.

“Well… I guess that’s why you refer to me as a kid,” I laughed nervously, leaning back against the tree. My shoulder touched it, but he kept coming towards me.

_Wait, what’s happening? What is he—?_

Before he could get any closer, my hand shot out and collided with his chest, holding him at bay. I had taken him by surprise—I could see it in the way his eyes had widened. But I stood my ground, keeping a fair amount of distance between us.

“I…” My face burned with shame, but I made no effort to move my hand from him. “Sorry, it’s just…” I squeezed my eyes shut and turned away from him, my hand trembling against his chest.

Was he about to kiss me just now? No, that didn’t sound like him at all. But then…why did he get so close to my face?

_Oh God, please don’t ruin what we have going on right now! I actually like our friendship, don’t make it any more complicated!_

He reached up and rested his hand over mine, keeping it on his chest. I tried not to think about the fact I could feel his heartbeat underneath my palm, strong and steady. With a sigh, he leaned away, sitting in his usual spot. My hand dropped to my lap once he let go, and I curled myself up into a ball against the trunk. With my back still against the bark, I wrapped my arms around my knees and pulled them up to my chest. I could still feel the trace of his heartbeat on my hand.

“You don’t have to be scared of me,” he murmured, pressing a hand on the top of my head. “I won’t hurt you.”

“I know that,” I answered quickly, forcing myself to meet his eyes. “But I…”

How could I explain this to him? I was weary of any romantic contact ever since I had broken it off with Jax. I knew Levi was nothing like him, and I trusted him with my life. However…seeing him move too close to my face had scared me. All I could see was my ex-boyfriend leaning in for a kiss, ready to take what wasn’t his.

“…I just get nervous with stuff like that…”

My confession was met with silence; to be honest, I wasn’t expecting anything other than that. I buried my face in my knees, wanting nothing more than to disappear from here.

“I see.” He let out a grunt as he lifted himself to his feet. “Bad experience with a boy, huh?”

My mouth fell open, and my amber eyes locked on his own. “H-how did you—”

“You’re not that hard to read, Wolf,” he mumbled, holding out a hand. I didn’t know what else to do, so I took it, allowing him to pull me up next to him. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But don’t beat yourself up over it, either.”

My heart fluttered when I realized he was still holding my hand. I kept my eyes locked on the ground below us, where the wooden Titans were still standing. His hand was so warm around my own; I didn’t want to draw attention to it, in fear he would realize and jerk it away.

“I’ll…try not to,” I muttered awkwardly. “Uh…thanks for that…”

“Don’t mention it,” he mumbled, finally releasing my hand. I bit back a whimper at the motion, feeling a little lonelier than I had before. “Come on, we should replace those rubber napes before dawn.”

He shot out the wires from his ODM gear and lowered himself down onto the forest floor. With a sigh, I gathered up my triggers and did the same, my face still warm and red.

|~|

The incident hadn’t chased me away from Levi, but I found myself keeping my distance from him more often than not. Other than our nightly lessons, I didn’t see him much. I was always preoccupied with Hanji and her squad, trying my best to sharpen my skills. When we did see each other, we focused on our training, only making small conversations between breaks.

I didn’t want our friendship to be ruined by one stupid little act. Why did I have to physically push him away like that? Surely there were other ways of stopping him, if he really was about to kiss me?

And that suggestion opened a whole other can of worms for me. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the idea that he had come closer to my face, with the intent of kissing me. I wasn’t a stranger to kisses, but just the thought of doing it with someone else scared me. The only other boy I had ever kissed in my lifetime had been Jax, and look where that had gotten me.

I mentally kicked myself. It had been ten years, for crying out loud! Why wasn’t I over him yet? I didn’t love him anymore, and I no longer cared about him. So why did he still hold so much power over me? Why couldn’t I think about the possibilities of romance and everything like that without thinking of him and what he had almost done to me?

It made me feel helpless, and I hated it. For all I knew, Jax was lying dead in a ditch somewhere. I hadn’t seen his face in ten years. Enough was enough; I couldn’t let him dictate my life forever.

Two days before the recruits were stationed to arrive at the base, one of the younger soldiers rushed over to me. I was currently in the medical wing, helping Lina patch up a pair of soldiers who had gotten a little too carried away with their training.

“I beg your pardon, Wolf,” he addressed me nervously (it was weird for soldiers to refrain from addressing me as Squad Leader Wolf), “but the Commander would like to see you in his office. He said he has some important business to discuss with you.”

I raised my eyebrow. What did Erwin want from me?

With Lina’s permission, I left the medical wing and headed for the castle. It didn’t take me too long to reach Erwin’s office, and when I did, I knocked on the door as softly as I could.

I hope I’m not in trouble.

“Yes?”

“It’s Mia Wolf, sir. You wanted to see me?”

I could hear the rustling of papers behind the wooden door. “Of course, come on in.”

I pushed the door open and stepped inside, closing it behind me and saluting to the Commander. Erwin was sitting at his desk, sorting through a huge stack of papers. I wasn’t surprised to see Levi nearby; whenever I visited the Commander’s office, it was almost certain the black-haired Scout would be with him.

“As you know, we’re receiving a new batch of recruits soon, from the 100th Training Corps. We’ll have to assign them to different squads based on their skill levels. I have spoken to Levi about this already, but I want your input.”

At this, Levi stepped closer to me, his eyes on Erwin. I tried to ignore his presence, and the warmth radiating from his body. _Come on, Wolf, get a grip!_

“I have decided to put together a pair of elite squads. One will be for reconnaissance, and the other for special operations. And because of your skills in the field, I have decided to choose both of you to lead them. Levi, you will be in charge of the special operations squad; and Wolf, you will lead the reconnaissance squad.”

All at once, my hands began shaking at my sides. No, I couldn’t have heard that right. Erwin wanted me—Mia Wolf—to be in charge of another squad? Surely I heard him wrong. He had to be an idiot to approve of this.

“Sir, with all due respect, I don’t think I’m qualified for the job.” I did my best to ignore the sideways glance Levi shot my way. “Of course…you remember my first squad…”

Erwin nodded, his blue eyes soft. “Cadet Richards and Cadet Johansson. Of course I remember them, Wolf. But there’s no denying your experience beyond the Walls. You’re naturally gifted with ODM gear, and you have a high kill count when it comes to the Titans. It’s only natural you lead this elite squad.”

The tips of my ears burned under his praise. _Stop it, I don’t deserve it!_ If I really had been a worthy leader, Rosalie and Emmett would still be alive right now.

“Wolf.” Erwin leaned toward me, his hands resting on the desk. “I trust you will lead this new squad to its full potential. What happened before will stay in the past. Now, you must focus on the future ahead of you.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but I quickly snapped it shut. I knew there was no point in arguing with him. He could be a stubborn man when he wanted to be. There was no way I was getting out of this one.

So I simply nodded, hanging my head and pressing my fist to my heart in a salute. “I understand, Commander. I will lead this elite reconnaissance squad.”

Besides, even if I didn’t, Hanji would bite my head off once she found out I almost rejected it.

|~|

“You—are—an—absolute—idiot!”

With each word she shrieked, Hanji punched my arm. I winced with each blow, trying my best to focus on the dinner tray in front of me. But before I could bite into my roll of bread, I glared at Levi from across the table, who only shrugged and sipped his drink.

Once we had settled down with Hanji for dinner in the mess hall, he had to spill the beans: we were to lead two separate elite squads, made up of some of the new recruits. Of course, he mentioned the fact I had spoken out against it, and that sent Hanji into a frenzy.

“Come on, you loved leading your last squad!” she said, leaning close to me. “What could go wrong? You were a great leader!”

“Stop it, Hanji.” I glanced at Levi before meeting her eyes. Hopefully she would get the message: _shut up in front of him_. I didn’t want him to know about my history with my last squad.

She seemed to understand, because she let out an annoyed huff and turned back to her dinner. “Fine, whatever.

As the night carried on, all I could think about were the new recruits, who would be showing up the day after tomorrow. Erwin had told us that the information sheets on each cadet of the graduating class were available, and he had given us copies of all two hundred and sixty-three students. When I settled in the girls’ barracks later that night, they were surprisingly easy to sort through. I was able to focus on the top thirty cadets, whose grades ranged from A+ to B-. Apparently, it had been a good year for the Survey Corps’ new recruits.

Most of the top ten intended to join the Military Police (no surprise there), so I ruled them out almost instantly. I decided to focus more on the students who showed strategic skill and ODM adequacy. I wanted a balanced team, not a one-sided team.

However, I didn’t have to choose all of the members from this single batch of recruits. Erwin had told us that they would continue to grow over the years, so it wasn’t necessary to make sure all the slots were filled. I was relieved at that; I didn’t want any more recruits than necessary under my command. I didn’t want to endanger any more of them than I had to.

Eventually, I became too exhausted to even read them properly, so I placed the papers back in the drawer of our nightstand and flopped into bed. Before I was out like a light, I thought of Rosalie and Emmett, and what they would think of this new elite squad under my orders.

|~|

Finally, the day of orientation had finally arrived. I was a nervous mess, holding the papers with my new subordinates’ information on them. I had chosen three of them: two boys and one girl, and right now, I was about to meet them.

The new recruits had seen their assigned squads the moment they stepped onto the base. Now, there were a total of ten teams, under five major squads. Levi was leading the first, the Special Operations Squad; I was leading the second, the Elite Reconnaissance Squad; Mike led the third one, which was used for survey; Hanji led the Logistics and Supply Squad; and one of our veterans, Dita Ness, led the fifth and final squad, which was used for additional support during the expeditions.

The sheet with my squad written down on it informed the new recruits to meet up behind the main castle, where I was currently walking toward. With any luck, they would already be there. In my hands, along with the sheets of paper with their names on them, were their new green cloaks. The familiar Wings of Freedom patch gave me a boost of confidence that I so desperately needed.

I hope I’ll be able to protect them.

As I neared the back of the castle, I heard a slew of voices. The loudest was a high-pitched female voice, overlapping the two softer male voices. Only when I got closer could I make out what they were saying.

“I’m telling you, there’s been a mix-up!” A male’s voice. “There’s no way we got picked for an elite squad! We’re fresh out of training!”

“Yeah, but Eld managed to get on the other elite squad. And he was the only one chosen!” This one was the high-pitched girl’s voice.

“But it’s Eld—of course he’s going to get picked, he’s awesome! But we’re just—”

“I really hope you’re not planning on finishing that sentence, Ev.”

“Both of you, be quiet!” the second boy hissed, his voice considerably deeper than his companions’. “Our Squad Leader will be here any minute. Try not to embarrass yourself or me, okay?!”

The second I rounded the corner and saw them, all four of us froze in our tracks. At last, I saw them in person: the cadets I had chosen, the ones whose skills had impressed me so much when I looked at their portfolios a few nights ago. I gave them a small smile.

I promise, I’ll protect each and every one of you.

The three cadets yelped and hastily saluted, staying as still as they could as I came closer to them. They stood in a horizontal line, holding their breath as I looked each one of them up and down. Bittersweet memories of meeting Rosalie and Emmett came flooding back, and I couldn’t help but laugh as I realized they had acted in a similar way.

The taller boy on the far left of the line had messy brown hair and stunning green eyes. Underneath the standard cadet jacket, he wore a basic white button-down shirt. I could see a light scar tracing the back of his right hand, stretching down and underneath his sleeve. From a training accident, I assumed. I had a few of my own.

The girl in the middle had strawberry blond hair pulled up into a messy ponytail, much like Hanji’s. Strapped onto her face was a pair of goggles, which enhanced her soft hazel eyes, and a black sweater hugged her upper body. Surprisingly, despite the heat, she didn’t seem to be sweating in the stuffy piece of clothing.

And finally, I gazed at the second boy on the far right. He had blond hair, as well, and he was roughly the same height as the girl next to him. He wore a simple brown shirt, with the long sleeves poking through at his wrists. His eyes were a wide shade of reddish brown, and out of all three of them, he seemed to be the most nervous.

I placed the cloaks and papers down on the ground behind me and turned back to my squad. I pressed my fist against my heart, nodding to each and every one of them. Already, the confidence I had felt upon meeting with Rosalie and Emmett for the first time began to resurface.

“Welcome to the Elite Reconnaissance Squad, cadets! My name is Mia Wolf, and I will be your new Squad Leader. You were all chosen because of your exceptional skill in the field and your ability to work alongside each other. I can assure you, none of you are here by accident. You have proven yourself worthy of being on this squad.”

At this, the blond boy let out a sigh of relief. However, the brown-haired boy continued to stare at me with huge eyes. He wanted to speak—it was on the tip of his tongue.

“Yes, cadet?”

He jumped at my words, his eyes suddenly gazing at the grass below us. “I…I don’t mean to be disrespectful, ma’am, but…are you really _the_ Captain Wolf?”

The name caused me to raise an eyebrow. I wasn’t aware I had been given a nickname among the recruits already. “Captain, huh? Is that what they’ve been calling me?” The boy winced, and I merely laughed. “It’s alright. I don’t mind the name. And yes, to answer your question, I am Captain Wolf.”

It was a nice nickname, to be honest. It signaled a fresh new start. With Rosalie and Emmett, I had been Squad Leader Wolf. Now, with these three new recruits, I would be Captain Wolf.

At my confirmation, however, the other two cadets gasped out loud. “You mean _you’re_ Mia Wolf, the soldier with close to thirty Titan kills beyond the Walls?!”

“…I wasn’t aware people were keeping track of that, but yes, I am.” Hell, even I didn’t know how many Titans I had killed up until now. They all started to blend together after a while.

The blond boy nudged the girl after she had asked her question, and she nudged him back. The older boy rolled his eyes at them, trying his best to stay professional. I appreciated it, but I didn’t want stiff cadets on my squad. I wanted a little more personality around me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have spent so much time with Hanji back in my own cadet days.

“I want you each to step forward and give your name and district. When you do, I want to know why you joined the Survey Corps in the first place. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

The brown-haired boy was the first to step up. His hand was still against his chest in a salute. “Reginald Hertz from Shiganshina District, ma’am. Reggie, for short. I joined the Survey Corps because I want to make the Titans pay for what they did to my home!”

I had to admire his determination. The fire in his eyes made me smile inside. I just hoped it wouldn’t burn out by the time he went beyond the Walls in a month.

Next, the girl stepped up, crashing her fist into her chest. “Gretel Mayer, from Trost District. I want to see the world outside the Walls with my own two eyes— _that’s_ why I joined the Scouts.”

She’s just like me when I was her age. As she stepped back next to Reggie, I gave her a nod of approval.

And last, but not least, the second boy stepped forward, his voice quivering slightly as he spoke. “My name is Evan Brose, from Karanes District, ma’am! I joined the Scouts in honor of my older brother, who gave his life for humanity in the year 842!”

I wracked my brain for a soldier who shared his surname, and finally, I came up with it: Adrian Brose, nineteen years old, killed on an expedition beyond Wall Maria. And this was his little brother, four years later. I had to admire his courage and determination to follow in his brother’s footsteps.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you all in person. Each and every one of you has my respect for joining the Scouts.”

I kneeled down and scooped up the cloaks from the ground, giving them one last squeeze in my arms. Each cadet bit back a smile at the sight of them. This cloak would truly mark them as members of the Survey Corps.

I handed each of them their cloak, and they wasted no time in putting it over their shoulders. They exchanged nervous glances, but underneath it all, I could see the excitement in their eyes.

“What do you want us to do first, Captain Wolf?” Reggie asked, brushing his fingers over the scar on his wrist. His eyes were bright and eager to please.

“Well…” I smiled as the perfect mission fell into my head. “I never got around to cleaning out my office in the castle. Are you guys up to helping me fix it up?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

I fought the urge to laugh as I motioned them to follow me. “Then come with me.” As the four of us made it toward the castle, I reached underneath my own green cloak and gripped my wolf necklace.

I would keep these kids safe, no matter what it took. Even if I had to die in the process, I would not let them down. Rosalie and Emmett at least deserved that much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Mia and Levi are starting to get closer... But Mia's still nervous, considering her history with guys. She'll have to deal with these insecurities in the near future. I can't say anymore than that for now! 
> 
> Mia's new squad had been floating around in the back of my head ever since I started writing this story, and I'm happy to finally introduce them in this chapter. I want to spend more time fleshing out their personalities, though. I don't want them to be simple caricatures with little to no "spark" to them. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think! I hope you all stay safe and healthy during this quarantine, and I'll see you in the next chapter. :)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a lot of fun to write, even though it took a long time to finish. I really love writing out the bond Mia and Levi have with each other, and I can't wait to share its evolution with you guys. So enjoy this chapter, which is part angst and part fluff, as Mia tries to sort out her feelings for Levi.

|XXI|

I hadn’t stepped foot into my office since the last expedition, when I lost Rosalie and Emmett, and as far as I knew, no one else had, either. Instead, it was used as a storage room for multiple crates and extra ODM equipment. A dusty desk rested in front of the larger window, and a bookshelf caked with cobwebs and dusty books leaned against the wall on the farthest side. It would take us at least a few hours to make sure everything was spotless and organized.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret,” I muttered, glancing back at the new recruits. All three of them stared in awe at the messy office. “I hate cleaning—but I’m willing to put up with it if you will. So, what do you say, cadets?”

Reggie saluted instantly, but Gretel and Evan were a little hesitant. However, they all nodded confidently and replied with a chorus of “Yes, ma’am!”

“Alright, then get to work!”

For the next two hours or so, the four of us were busy tidying up my new office. We all wore white cloths over our face, just to keep out the dust, but that didn’t stop me and Gretel from coughing every time either of us picked up a crate. With every sneeze she did, Evan would mutter “bless you” in a tiny voice, and she would grumble back “thanks” so softly I thought I’d imagined it. But judging by the smug grin on Reggie’s face, this was a normal occurrence for the both of them.

The way she constantly sneezed throughout her work reminded me of Ma, and how she would always get sick at the start of winter. She couldn’t excuse herself and pretend it was allergies, like many of the Scouts did once the warmer weather started setting in. Dad always used to joke about it when we were younger, and when she would snap at him to shut up, he would chuckle and leave to make her a fresh cup of tea.

As I shoved one of the dusty crates back out into the empty hall (which was filled with nothing but old books— _might be useful_ ), I stole a glance at my new squad. Currently, Reggie was struggling to work out the cobwebs in the top corner of the office. Gretel was wiping the windows, and Evan was dusting the books on the bookshelf. However, a certain volume had caught his eye, and he began to leaf through it, the worn pages crinkling softly.

Upon seeing this over her shoulder, Gretel huffed and leaned back, jamming her foot into his lower back. He yelped out and crashed right into the bookcase, knocking a few more books down in the process. Reggie and I gasped as the poor boy groaned on the floor, rubbing his back.

“What the hell, Gretel?!”

“Read on your own time, Ev. We have work to do!”

Immediately, her eyes met mine, and she puffed out her chest, as if she were searching for praise. I could barely hold back the laugh that bubbled up in my throat. Right now, she looked so much like my sister, always begging for the approval of others. She saw it as her duty to keep those around her in line, and she expected to be praised when she did so.

“Brose, stay focused on your duty. Mayer, refrain from getting aggressive with the rest of the squad. Have I made myself clear?”

Evan scrambled to his feet, nodding his head shamefully. “Y-yes, ma’am.”

Gretel’s eyes widened at my order, but she diverted them nonetheless and grunted in agreement. “Understood, ma’am.”

At least that was one thing she had over Leyna: she had humility and could admit when she was wrong. For some reason, my sister could never grasp that concept.

As the two of them returned to work, I found myself staring at them just a bit longer. Already, they seemed to have a certain chemistry with each other. Gretel was loud and brash, Evan was distracted and doubtful, and Reggie did his best to act like the grown-up between them. They had obviously been in situations like this before, during their cadet days, which only made me smile.

 _Just like me and my siblings_. The only difference was, these kids were just friends—they didn’t have the same blood flowing through their veins.

I shook my head and continued moving the dusty crates. I had to follow my own advice—I couldn’t let my memories carry me away. Not yet, anyway.

|~|

Eventually, once the main office area was cleared out (but still in need of a thorough cleaning), I had discovered an additional door on the far right of the office. Once I was able to wrench it open (with Reggie’s help, of course), I was surprised to find a bed and a dresser on the other side. It wasn’t unheard of for Squad Leaders to have their own bedrooms connected to their offices, but that had never interested me. Hanji rarely used hers, since she insisted on sleeping in the girls’ barracks with me, especially after I’d been demoted, but now I wasn’t so sure. If she was planning on using her room, surely I could use my own?

“Captain,” Evan called out, motioning to the other side of the small bedroom, “do you think that’s a bathroom?”

Indeed, a third door had been built into the wall across from us. I pushed on it with a groan, and when it finally gave out under my weight, it swung open. A personal shower, sink, and toilet had been installed in the tiny room, along with a small mirror and a cupboard. It was nothing compared to the ones in Mitras, or even the ones we used to have back in Shiganshina, but it still brought a smile to my face.

“Sure looks like it. When you get a chance, start fixing it up. I’ll take care of the bedroom.”

“Will do, ma’am.”

As the boys hurried along with their work, I stared back at the dusty bedroom, and the stripped gray bed. Judging by the state of the doors, this office hadn’t been in use for quite some time. As far as I knew, no Squad Leader had inhabited this one, not even Flagon. I frowned at this realization.

_Then…who lived in here at one point?_

I shrugged my shoulders and grabbed the extra broom leaning against the wall in my office. While Reggie was sorting through the crate of books, dusting them off and placing them back on the shelf, Gretel was wiping down the desk and chairs. Evan was hidden away in the bathroom, a bucket and a soapy sponge in his hand. Meanwhile, I did my best to gather up all the dust and dirt on the floor that had collected over the years. Occasionally, I would cough into my elbow—and three seconds later, a feminine sneeze would be heard. I bit back a chuckle at that; I didn’t want to antagonize the poor girl.

When I reached the nightstand next to the bed, I realized the top drawer was open slightly. However, as I reached down to snap it shut, a flash of brown and white caught my eye. My eyebrow shot up as I fished inside the drawer, curling my hands around the strange object.

It was a small notebook, similar to the one my parents had given me for my eighth birthday. With leather flaps for covers and a thin leather strand tied around it, it was no bigger than my own palm. The strand was wrapped around it tightly, securing whatever secrets the pages seemed to hold.

 _Wait… This is a personal item. Why was it left behind?_ So far, neither I nor my squad had come across any personal items in the office. Whenever a Squad Leader either retired or passed away, their personal belongings were cleaned out and shipped back home. So why was this little book left behind?

I leaned the broom against the nightstand and untied the leather string. A thin layer of dust sprayed out as I flipped through the stained yellow and white pages, and I was suddenly thankful for the white cloth that shielded my nose and mouth. Black marks had been scratched on the surface in rushed characters. The writing was a little sloppy, but it was still eligible. If I squinted my eyes, I could make out a few words.

**_ I dreamt of them again last night. Even though I saw them just a few days ago, I still miss them like crazy. I miss Ani’s hugs and kisses already. I can still feel her mouth against my cheek. She worries for me, but I tell her I’ll be alright. It’s hard to keep a promise like that, but I do it for her sake. And for our kids.  _ **

“The first thing she does when she gets a new squad is have you clean out her office?”

Gretel squeaked loudly at the abrupt voice, and I whipped around, clutching the broom tightly. The leather notebook was still in my hand, clutched against my chest. However, upon seeing the newcomer—and his companion—standing in the doorway of my new office, I lowered my arms and sighed.

“I thought you would’ve been all over the fact I had them clean it,” I replied, walking back into the office.

“Tch, not if they’re going to do a shit job of it.”

My fingers tightened around the handle of the broom. _God, even after all these months, he still gets under my skin so easily._ “You know what? You have your standards, and I have my own. Leave it at that.”

Levi raised his eyebrow at me, his arms crossed over his chest. Behind him stood a younger man—maybe a year older than Reggie, whom I had to guess was around seventeen—with deep brown eyes and dark blond hair pulled up into a small bun. Upon seeing me, he saluted respectfully, and I softened my gaze to give him a small nod. _This must be Eld Jinn, the cadet Levi chose to be on his squad._

Meanwhile, Gretel stood behind the desk, her hazel eyes wide behind her goggles and glued onto Levi’s form. The wet cloth in her hand was starting to drip onto the desk, but she didn’t even notice. Reggie’s eyes darted from me to Levi, eager to see what would happen next. From the corner of my eye, I could see Evan poke his head through the door of the bedroom, and he gave Eld a small wave, which he returned as subtly as he could.

“It would be wise to test their skills sooner rather than later. Erwin wants them to be ready for the expedition next month.” His gray eyes bore into mine, and for the second time today, I was thankful for the white cloth covering my face. At least he couldn’t see the redness on my cheeks—he didn’t need to see that, and neither did my squad. I had an image to maintain now.

“I’m already confident in their skills,” I said, passing the broom from one hand to another. I slipped the leather notebook into my jacket pocket—something that didn’t go unnoticed by Levi. “I wouldn’t have chosen them if I wasn’t. But if it’ll make you happy, we’ll be ready in a half hour. Just give us time to finish up here.”

He scoffed and shrugged his shoulders before turning away from me. “Whatever, Wolf. Knock yourself out.” He gave a dismissive wave of his hand before heading out of the office, with Eld right behind him.

The moment he was out of sight, I let out a sigh—and realized I wasn’t the only one. Reggie and Evan gasped and pointed to Gretel, whose ears burned crimson under their gazes.

“Y-you’re blushing!” Reggie couldn’t mask the surprise in his voice as Evan doubled over on the floor, laughing his little heart out. “I can’t believe it! Captain Levi made you blush!”

“S-shut up!” She threw down the wet rag and yanked the cloth off her face, glaring something fierce at the boys. However, nothing could mask the fact her face was all red, similar to my own. “I was just caught off guard!”

 _“Captain” Levi? So they’ve decided to call us both captains, I guess._ It was weird, sharing that title with him, but it made my chest feel warm and fuzzy.

But the boys couldn’t stop laughing. Before things could get out of hand, however, I clapped my hands together and frowned at them. “Come on, boys, that’s enough. Back to work, and then we have training. Don’t dawdle.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

As the boys rushed off to complete their tasks, I moved over to the desk, leaning the broom against the wall. As quietly as I could, I leaned over to Gretel and gave her a small smile.

“It’s okay. He catches me off guard, too.”

She cleared her throat, tying the white cloth back over her face. “It’s not that… It’s just…” She gulped before pulling down the cloth and leaning over to my ear, her breath ghosting over the side of my face. “…He just has _really_ nice eyes.”

It took everything I had not to laugh out loud; I knew I couldn’t do that to her, not this early in our captain-cadet relationship. So I merely smiled and nodded, giving her a wink. “You’re right. They _are_ really nice.”

But I would be caught dead if Hanji ever heard me admit something like that.

|~|

Once the office was clean (to my standards, which were fine on their own, no matter what that clean freak said), my squad headed out into the forest, where Levi and Eld were already waiting for us. All six of us were already outfitted with ODM gear; Gretel fiddled with the straps on her waist, doing her best to avoid glancing at the gray-eyed Scout in front of us. It was a treat to watch her get all flustered—is this what Hanji always felt whenever I got embarrassed easily in front of her? If so, I could see how she enjoyed it so much.

Most of the other Squad Leaders, including Hanji, were no doubt spending time with their other squads, and any other new members they had managed to accept. But it had been quite a while since training had started, so the forest was practically empty by now. If I had to guess, most of the new recruits were brushing up on their hand-to-hand combat skills. There would be time to practice them, but for now, the main focus was their Titan killing abilities. We only had a month left before the expedition, anyway.

Upon reaching the wooden Titan dummies, the four cadets stood in front of us in a horizontal line: Eld, Reggie, Gretel, and Evan. Each of them stared at us with their fists against their hearts, eagerly awaiting our orders.

I nearly jumped when my arm brushed up against Levi’s as I took my place next to him. With a shake of my head, I focused on the cadets before me, sizing each of them up with a smile.

“Show us what you’ve learned from your training. There are sixteen Titans out here, so each of you take four. Once we’ve seen how you work in the field, we’ll be able to figure out a fighting strategy.” I swallowed nervously, casting a sideways glance at Levi. “…Does that work for you…?” I had to remember that Eld wasn’t my own—he was Levi’s.

His eyebrow inched up slightly, and those gray hues glimmered softly in the midday sun. “You’re the boss, Wolf.”

“Um…r-right! Any questions?” The cadets stayed silent. I prayed with all my heart they couldn’t see the rising blush on my face. “Good. Now get to work!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

The four recruits readied their gear and launched themselves into the air as fast as they could. Evan was the fastest, being the smallest of the quartet, so he reached the nearest Titan dummy first. Eld and Gretel decided to head to the right, where another pair of wooden Titans was resting, while Reggie opted to go deeper into the forest.

Eager to impress both her superiors and her squad, Gretel surged forward and angled her blades toward the nearest wooden Titan. Her slash was a little off-centered, but it still got the job done. Meanwhile, Eld took his time, keeping his eyes focused on his target. His own slash was absolutely perfect, and he wasted no time in recovering so he could move on to the next.

On the other hand, Evan was pretty vocal in the field. A collection of grunts could be heard as he propelled himself closer to the Titan, even at the speed he was moving at. He was a fast little soldier, but his transitions were a little uneven. Watching him train made me think of myself, and how I was currently struggling with transitioning from one Titan to the next, while holding one of my blades backwards.

Reggie, however, aimed for the Titans on the outskirts of the forest. He was as silent as a moth as he dragged his blades across the rubber nape of the Titan, ripping out a huge chunk and watching it fall to the ground. It appeared he preferred working solo, going by the way he glided from one Titan to the next. He kept his distance from the other three, reminding me of a certain Scout.

_Speaking of him—_

“They could be worse,” Levi spoke up, his eyes never leaving the cadets soaring above us. “Fresh out of training, so I didn’t expect too much. Still, they’re considered the best out of the bunch that joined up.”

“Yeah…”

Unsurprisingly, none of the top ten cadets of the 100th Training Corps had decided to join the Survey Corps. All of them had most likely enlisted in the Military Police. Even when I graduated myself, ten years earlier, it was unheard of for the top ten graduates to choose any branch other than the Military Police. Hanji and I had been the only two to join the Scouts, and Ben and Blaise had opted to join the Garrison. The rest of the top ten cadets, including Leyna, who had ranked first, had chosen the Military Police.

“It’s not like they’re hopeless, though,” I found myself defending them, sending him a soft glare. “They’re not going to be perfect right off the bat. It’ll take time, but they’ll get there. It just takes work.”

“You think I don’t know that, brat?” He finally broke his gaze away from our squads, his silver eyes slanting in my direction. “You’ve been with the Scouts for how many years now? And you’re far from perfect yourself.”

I rolled my eyes, nudging him with my elbow. “Cut it out! There’s a reason they haven’t kicked me out yet.” He only smirked, his eyes never leaving mine. I bit my lip and stared up at the trees above, trying to focus on my new squad. But no matter how hard I tried, I could still feel his eyes burning into my body.

Suddenly, I was back in the medical wing, struggling to patch up the cut on his upper arm. Thankfully, it had healed in no time, but the memory still brought a wave of heat to my face and neck. All I could think of was the way he had made me feel, with his flirty manner of teasing and those intense silver hues. Gretel was right—they really _were_ nice to look at. But I would never admit that out loud.

Underneath his eyes, I could feel my skin begin to prickle, and I rubbed my hands up and down my arms. I was both hot and cold at the same time— _God, what is he doing to me?_ “Why are you always such a jerk to me?” _And why do I feel like this when you’re around me?_

A chill ran down my spine at the sound of his deep chuckle. It wasn’t often I heard it, and when I did, it made me feel nervous all over again, just like a pathetic schoolgirl. “Because you’re too easy,” he replied bluntly, his smirk never letting up. “It’s cute, watching you get all riled up.”

I couldn’t hold back the squeak that slipped out of my mouth. My hands flew to my face, but they did nothing to mask the bright red color my cheeks were now glowing with. Even through my fingers, I could feel the intense heat radiating off my skin.

“ _C-cute?!_ ”

_What does he mean by cute?! I must have heard him wrong. No, he doesn’t think of me as cute! There’s nothing cute about me!_

“I rest my case,” he said, finally lifting his eyes from me. “Look at yourself—you can barely string a sentence together. You get flustered too easily, and that’s why it’s fun to mess with you.” But before I could even attempt to respond, he motioned up to the trees, where our cadets were still soaring around the wooden Titans. “Looks like they’re done. Come on… _captain_.”

He threw me a final smirk over his shoulder as he walked over to our recruits, who were just starting to land on the soft grass below. I watched him go, peeking out at him between my trembling fingers. Still, to this day, I can’t believe I didn’t faint right then and there.

|~|

Night fell, but when it did, I opted to eat my dinner alone in my new office instead. I hadn’t seen Levi ever since we split up from him and Eld after our little training exercise. Eager to hide my scorched face from my squad, I dismissed the trio and told them to rest up for tomorrow—the real training would begin soon. Gretel sighed in relief, and Evan gave me a weak but thankful smile. Reggie simply nodded, ever the teacher’s pet.

Once I finished with my meal, I discarded the remains into the small trash container at the side of my desk. When my hands were clean, I sat back down at my desk, pulling out the small leather notebook from my inside pocket. But before I could even crack it open, a knock at the door tore me away from it.

My heart raced. “Who is it…?”

“It’s me, Mia.”

 _Hanji_. I let out a breath of relief at her voice. “You can come in.”

The door swung open, but she was able to catch it before it slammed into the wall. As she closed it behind her, she cast me a worried look. She had switched out her goggles for her glasses, which glinted faintly in the candlelight. In her arms were a few folders and packets of parchment—no doubt paperwork I would have to fill out, now that I was a Squad Leader again.

 _Or a captain now, I guess_. My cheeks burned at the name the kids had given me, and the way Levi had drawled it out to me earlier.

“Everything okay? You weren’t at dinner.”

I jumped and shook my head, smiling at her. “I’m fine, don’t worry about me. Just wanted to get used to the new office, that’s all.”

“Oh, alright. Shorty was asking about you.”

“…He was?”

Her eyes flashed at my nervous tone, and I mentally kicked myself. Why did I have to sound so pathetic, so fragile? “Is everything alright between you two? He didn’t upset you earlier, did he?”

“N-no, nothing like that!” I said in a hurry, waving my hands at her. “N-nothing too major. It’s just…”

I pressed a hand to my forehead, trailing it down and rubbing the bridge of my nose. The events of today were already taking their toll on me, and all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep. But I still had some cleaning to do, as well as some extra paperwork. Not to mention, I had to look through that notebook and see if I could find out who it belonged to. Ah, the life of a Squad Leader. I had almost forgotten what it had been like.

Hanji was in front of my desk now, clutching the papers she held in her arms even tighter than before. “Did he say anything to you? I’ll kick his ass if he tried anything funny with you—”

“I know you would, but no, everything’s cool. He’s just… _nerve-wracking_ sometimes.”

Her eyebrow shot up, but as she stared at my face even longer, it started to sink in. With a devilish smile, she placed the papers on the corner of my desk, pulled up the nearest chair, and sat down across from me, leaning her elbows on the desk. Her brown eyes were glued to mine, alight with hope and mischief.

“Is that so? Anything you wanna tell me about?”

I groaned, burying my face in my hands yet again. The blush had returned, in full force. There was no hiding it from her now. “He said he likes teasing me because I’m too easy…and that I’m cute when I’m mad.”

She sucked in a sharp breath at this information, and when I stole a glance at her through my fingers, her hand was pressed against her mouth. She looked like she was holding in a squeal, but she was doing a horrible job at it. The floor began to shake underneath my boots; I could only assume she was bouncing her leg up and down on the opposite side of the desk.

“No way! He actually said that to you? Mia, that’s great!”

“No, it’s _not_ , Hanji!” I hissed back at her, squeezing my eyes shut.

I didn’t know what to think about the possibility of Levi seeing me in that light. It wasn’t possible—our personalities didn’t mesh together like that. He was a cold, emotionless jerk who had grown up in the Underground City. He had battled through every day of his life, with only Isabel and Furlan at his side. He had fought countless wars, and he even had the scars to prove it. It probably physically hurt him to say something positive every once in a while. Even the compliments he gave me during our nightly lessons in the forest were strained and vague.

And me? I tried to see the light in many of the dark situations cast upon the Scouts. Sure, it was harder now that Ma and Ben were no longer of this world, but I still tried. I made sure to keep myself focused on my training, and I tried to crack a smile at least once every day. I still had good relationships with the other Scouts, like Hanji, Erwin, and Mike, to an extent, and I kept in touch with my sister as much as I could.

I hadn’t seen the things Levi had seen, and he hadn’t seen the things I’d seen. We came from two different worlds, only brought together by Erwin’s risk of bringing him and his friends into the Survey Corps. Other than that, we had nothing left in common. It was impossible for someone like him to show even the slightest amount of interest in someone like me—I just knew it. In my bones, it didn’t feel right.

Hanji groaned, rubbing her temples. “Oh, come on! Don’t you like him?”

“…Maybe as a friend, but that’s it!” There was no doubt I was warmer to him now than I had been after Ben had died. And sure, we may have shared a connection when my mother passed away, and he held me on that cold winter morning outside Johanna’s home in Trost. But that’s where the line had been drawn.

I couldn’t even _imagine_ liking someone like Levi. We were constantly at each other’s throats, teasing and making fun of one another. He only helped me because he saw it as his duty, to make sure I wouldn’t fail the Scouts when he needed me. It was just business to him—that’s what he always told me.

But then, I swallowed hard. I thought of that night a week ago, when he had gotten too close to my face. Had he _really_ been about to kiss me? He was definitely surprised when I pushed him away; had he expected me to go along with it? Did he think _I_ was interested in _him_? If so, what had I done to make him think like that?

Hanji shook her head, her gaze slanted in disapproval. “I can’t believe you, Mia. He may be a short little asshole, but there’s no denying it. He’s _drawn_ to you, and he wants to learn more about you. You can’t let this opportunity slip by. You don’t want to regret it.”

I remained silent, staring at the little notebook resting on the desk in front of me. If she was even telling the truth, what had I done to make him feel drawn to me? I was nothing special. Why did he feel the need to know me better?

Then again, why did he feel so protective of me? Why did he opt to hold me close instead of pushing me away after I ran to him after my mother had died? Why did he choose to stay with me and comfort me after I was upset over Ben’s death? Why did he take me out on a midnight ride, and later give in to my request of naming the black mare under his ownership? Why did he insist on training me every night? Why was he the one who brought me back inside after I had fallen asleep in Edel’s stall a few nights ago?

Was it _really_ “just business,” as he always claimed it was? Or was it possible there was something more to it than that?

“I…I don’t know, Hanji…”

She let out a soft sigh. I knew that sigh—she was tired, but she refused to give up. I had often heard it during our early days as cadets in the 90th Training Corps, as even as we grew older, it was a habit she’d never grown out of. “Are you…nervous because of…what happened with Jax?”

I bit my lip at the name. “…I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “Maybe I am, who knows?”

I didn’t know anymore. Ten years later, and I hadn’t been romantically involved with anyone outside of Jax. He had killed my interest in any other possible partners…or had he? Now that I was spending more and more time with Levi, I wasn’t so sure.

If—and this was a pretty big “if”—I managed to pursue some kind of relationship with Levi, I knew he wasn’t like Jax. My ex had been insistent, even before he had tried to do what he did on the night of our graduation ceremony. He always had to have a hand on me, and I was always in his line of sight.

But with Levi, I felt safe. I was thankful he had been the one to accompany me to Trost. I was glad he had protected me from that angry citizen, even if he had been unnecessarily violent toward him. I was thankful he insisted on putting his life on the line to protect me, even when he had followed me into Shiganshina when the Titans invaded. I couldn’t see it before, but he could have easily died in order to save me. If we had tried to make it back with Ben, especially in the state he was in, all three of us would have ended up dead and in a Titan’s stomach. But he had persisted, making sure the two of us made it home safely.

I never got an obsessive, uneasy vibe from him. Then again, I hadn’t gotten that vibe from Jax when we first started dating.

“Fine,” Hanji spoke up, pushing her glasses up her nose, “I won’t push you. But I want you to at least listen to me. I know how stubborn you can be,” she added with a roll of her eyes. “Don’t push him away too far. You may end up losing him, and I don’t want you to regret that. I know it sounds like a long shot…but he may end up being what you need.”

Ma’s words echoed in my ear: _“Maybe he’s your special someone.”_ I had humored her in the heat of the moment, but now, with Hanji’s advice, her words were starting to thaw on me. Maybe, in some sick, twisted way, they were both right. Maybe all Levi and I needed was each other.

But before I could dwell on it even further, I cleared my throat and shook my head. “I’ll think about it, Han. Now…why did you come here? I know it’s not because you wanted to check up on me.” I pointed to the stack of papers she had placed on the corner of my desk.

She jolted, suddenly remembering the _real_ reason she had come in here. “Oh, that’s right! Commander Erwin wants you to get a head start on some of this paperwork. It’s similar to the stuff you filled out when you started with Rosalie and Emmett, so it’s nothing new. He just wants the bulk of it done before we head to Mitras, after the expedition next month.”

“Ah, I see.” I groaned as she flopped the pile in front of me with a smirk. Taped onto the first leather folder in the pile was a small piece of yellow paper—a note, telling me which papers to fill out first. “Tell me you have a similar pile back in your office.”

“Oh, I have _plenty_ ,” she replied with a smile. “I’m also writing up a report on possibly getting a Titan to experiment with. We’ve been in the dark for too long—it’s about time we start learning how and why those creatures work the way they do.”

I rolled my eyes at my friend’s wild look. On one of our previous expeditions, before Levi, Isabel, and Furlan had joined us in 844, she had told me about kicking a Titan’s head and finding it surprisingly light. I hadn’t been there with her (Flagon and I were on the opposite end of the formation, along with Sairam and Daisy), but by the way she had described it, it sounded pretty amazing. She had been clamoring for a Titan test subject for years now, but she had never worked up the courage to ask Commander Shadis (she always blushed when I insisted it was because she had a crush on him). But now that Erwin was our Commander, she probably had a better chance.

“Well, you have fun with that. Let me know if you figure out a way to kill them faster.”

She shook her head and mussed up my hair. “You’ll be the first to know, Mia. I’ll see you tomorrow. Have a good night.”

“Good night, Hanji. And don’t sleep with your glasses on!”

She only laughed as she left my office, closing the door behind her. I guaranteed she would forget about them, like she always did. I guess that was one of the cons of no longer sleeping in the same room as her.

I shook my head and stood up from my desk. The paperwork could wait a bit longer. I still had a bedroom and a bathroom to clean out.

|~|

The candle sitting on my desk had burned through half of its wax by the time I had finished clearing out the office. By the position of the moon in the sky, it was around midnight, or maybe a little past it. I no longer needed the white cloth around my face, so instead, I simply wore my usual uniform as I swept the floor. I had shed my jacket halfway through, and now it was draped along the back of the chair at my desk.

I had gotten a fresh set of gray and white sheets from one of the spare rooms in the castle after dismissing Reggie, Gretel and Evan, so I no longer had to worry about my bed. The cobwebs had been cleaned out, and the bathroom had been swabbed. All that was left was to organize the books on the shelf, rearrange the files in the desk, and sweep each floor thoroughly.

Just as I paused to wipe the sweat off my forehead, a soft knock could be heard at the front door. I raised an eyebrow at the sound. _It’s midnight, people. Go to sleep already!_

Another knock ripped through the air, and I rolled my eyes. “I’ll be right there, hold your horses.”

I leaned the broom against the doorframe and walked into the office. I ran a hand through my hair, massaging my scalp, before turning to the door. I couldn’t deal with visitors this late at night. Nighttime was _my_ time, my personal alone time. I didn’t like sharing it with other people, especially when I was already cranky from cleaning, paperwork, and Hanji’s antics.

With a groan, I opened the door and glanced at the person on the other side. Immediately, all of my confidence and exhaustion melted away upon seeing Levi, who was staring at me with half-lidded silver eyes. The first thing I noticed was the absence of his military jacket, as well as the untied cravat around his neck. My teeth sank into my bottom lip sharply as my eyes drifted toward his exposed collarbone.

_“It’s cute, watching you get all riled up.”_

_Cute. He had called me cute!_

“Are you just going to stare at me, or am I allowed to come in?”

I nearly slammed my head into the doorframe. _God, I’m so stupid! Stop gawking, Wolf! Get a grip!_ “Uh…y-yeah, sure… C-come on in.”

Before I knew what I had done, he had stepped inside my office, and I had shut the door behind him. As soon as I heard the click in the lock, I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head. I had to stay focused—I still had work to do. As fast as I could, I crossed the room and grabbed the broom, doing my best to continue to clean.

All the while, my mind was racing. _I’m in here. Alone. With a boy—no, with **Levi**. _

“I’m surprised you’re still awake.” His voice was deeper than usual—had he woken up a little while ago? Or had he been awake this entire time? “Then again, I shouldn’t be. You have a habit of refusing to fall asleep when you should.”

I only shrugged my shoulders, keeping my eyes away from his. “M-maybe I do…” _Come on, don’t play into his hands! Don’t let him walk all over you!_ “So…what brings you here, anyway?”

What could have possibly brought him to my office in the middle of the night? I had a few ideas of my own, but I was too scared to dwell on them for long.

“You weren’t at dinner.”

 _Ugh, this crap again?_ I couldn’t help but feel a little deflated. “Yeah, Hanji already came by and asked why. I just wanted to get used to my new office and finish cleaning it. Oh! That reminds me.”

I leaned on the broom and threw him a glance over my shoulder. There he was, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest. I kept my eyes focused on his own instead of his collarbone—or the two undone buttons at the top of his shirt—but it was a chore to do so.

“Hanji left a stack of paperwork on my desk. On the top of the pile, there’s a yellow note. Can you just tell me which papers Erwin wants me to fill out first?”

His eyebrow shot up at my request. “Why can’t you just check it yourself?”

“Please?! Just do this for me.” _You may be attractive, but your attitude still sucks!_

With a scoff, he rolled his eyes and pushed himself off the doorframe. “Fine, whatever.”

“Thanks.” I huffed out a breath before going back to my sweeping, moving the broom a little more forcibly than before.

 _God, he’s such a dick sometimes! I can’t believe I ever thought about the possibility of me liking him! What was I on?_ To be honest, I blamed Hanji—she always brought out the worst in me.

As I continued to sweep, I heard the sound of his footsteps come to a halt. There was a shuffling of papers, so I stopped in mid-sweep, eager to hear what was written on the note. But even as I strained my ears, I couldn’t hear his voice.

 _What’s taking him so long? It’s just a little note_. “What does it say?” I called to him, leaning the broom against the far wall. I would finish up sweeping tomorrow; I had done enough housework for one day.

I was greeted with silence, which made me roll my eyes. I tugged down the sleeves of my shirt, in order to hide the dust smudges on my arms, and made my way back into the office. Levi was standing behind my desk, his eyes glued to the yellow paper he now clutched in his hand.

“Who wrote this?”

“Uh…Hanji did.” _At least, I assume it was her._

He scoffed lightly, his eyes still roaming over the note. “She has really shitty handwriting, then.”

My cheeks burned at the insult. Hanji had a tendency to write very rapidly, since her brain was always in motion. She was so worried about forgetting things that she wrote them down in a rush, and the result ended up being less-than-legible scribbles scrawled along the page. I had grown used to it over the years I had known her, but to someone outside of the two of us, her handwriting could definitely be considered sloppy.

Still, it hurt to hear him dismiss her like that. “She writes pretty fast. It’s not her fault, that’s just the way she is.” He quirked an eyebrow at me, and the blush on my face only intensified. “Never mind, forget the note. Just tell me which forms are in the first folder, _please_.” I made sure to add the please, in case he decided to chide me for a lack of manners. (Not that he had much room to talk, but whatever.) 

I groaned and arched my back, wincing as the bones popped and cracked. I was in need of a hot shower and a good night’s rest. But until I was finished up here, I couldn’t relax. Besides, there was no way in hell I was going to take a shower with Levi standing in the same room as me. Absolutely not.

As he leafed through the first leather folder, I turned my attention to the crate closest to the bookshelf. While some of the books had already been filed away, there were plenty of others still stashed away in the box. I crouched down and began to look through them, stacking them against each other on the bottom two shelves. As far as I could tell, they were books that focused on the history of the Walls and Titan anatomy. I would have to tell Hanji about the latter later—I was sure she would get more use out of them than I would.

I only needed to know one part of a Titan’s body—their nape. It was the only way to ensure they would stay dead once they had been struck down. If you aimed for any other place on their body, they would just regenerate in time.

But by the fourth book on the first shelf, I realized I still hadn’t heard anything from Levi. I stole a glance at him, and I frowned when I saw that he was still staring at the stack of papers in front of him. He had opened the first leather folder, but the forms inside had caught his attention and refused to let go.

“Well? What kind of forms are they?” _They should say so right at the top, it’s not that hard._

His eyes stayed down, refusing to meet my own. When I gazed down at his hands, I realized they were latched around the edge of the desk a little too tightly. In fact, I could almost see the white in his knuckles. My eyes flashed back up to his face, where I barely caught him biting his bottom lip.

 _He’s uncomfortable…_ My jaw nearly dropped at this realization. _But why? What does he have to be uncomfortable about?_

I stood up slowly, the fifth book from the crate still in my right hand. “Is something wrong?”

My voice was soft, as if I was trying to coax a frightened animal toward me. But apparently, it wasn’t enough. He simply squeezed his eyes shut and turned away, facing the large window behind the desk. He ran a hand through his black locks, messing them up slightly. While his back was turned, I snuck a peek at the forms on the desk.

As far as I could tell, nothing looked out of the ordinary. The papers were identical to the ones I had first filled out when I was assigned Rosalie and Emmett three years ago, back in 843. They had slots for my name, age, home district, graduation year, training corps, current rank, and so on. At the top was written _Elite Reconnaissance Squad_ ; back with my first squad, they had been sorted under _Squad 6, Team 11_. Now, that squad no longer existed, and we were left with five squads, due to the decrease in willing recruits.

But as I stared at it longer, looking back and forth between the opened folder and Levi’s tense form, it started to sink in. Memories of my conversations with Isabel began unveiling themselves in my mind, and I remembered how she had described her life in the Underground City. The citizens were lucky enough if they got to eat at the end of the day; there was no chance in hell any of them would dedicate themselves to anything other than fighting and stealing.

And unfortunately, anything related to academics fell under the “unnecessary” category for the majority of them. There was a good chance most of them didn’t know how to read or write.

I swallowed the lump in my throat before putting on a brave face. I kept my voice low and hushed; I didn’t want to chance chasing him off like I did when we first started talking to each other, back when I had accidentally mentioned Isabel. I wouldn’t make that same mistake again.

“Levi…can you read?”

“Of course I can!” he snapped, reeling around so fast I nearly jumped out of my skin. “I’m not an idiot. It’s just…” He groaned, swiping a hand through his hair again. His eyes dropped to the floor, and his other hand clenched into a fist at his side. “I… Ah, shit,” he hissed, shutting his eyes tightly.

This was a side of him I hadn’t seen before—except maybe when he had broken down right after learning that Furlan and Isabel were dead, and later after disposing of the Abnormal that had killed them. He was vulnerable, uneasy, and borderline weak—and I didn’t like it one bit. It was such a drastic change from the arrogant, powerful Scout I was used to. Despite all the times he made me feel uncomfortable, I felt no joy in watching the tables turn.

But I wasn’t about to leave him like this. No, it was in my nature to help people. And that’s what I planned to do.

“No one’s calling you an idiot,” I whispered, placing the book on the desk. I took a step toward him, careful to keep my movements gentle. For a brief moment, I felt like I was fifteen years old again, trying to approach a three-year-old Edel for the first time. When I was sure he wouldn’t bolt away, I stepped even closer to him.

His eyes didn’t snap open until I had raised my hand, brushing it along his arm. Immediately, he tensed up and yanked his arm away. I bit back a whimper as he eyed me coldly, his eyebrows creased into a dangerous frown behind those overgrown black bangs. Still, I forced myself to keep talking.

“Listen, there’s nothing to be ashamed about. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but if I had to guess, I’d say you weren’t able to properly learn in the Underground. They don’t exactly take an interest in education.”

He remained silent, his gray eyes never leaving my own. I reached out to him again, and I was relieved when he didn’t recoil immediately. Although the fabric of his gray shirt separated our skin, I could still feel the tense muscles underneath.

“If…if you need help, I’m always here. If you want, I can help you with your—”

“I don’t need your help,” he sneered, his eyes hardening instantly. “I’m not useless.”

“I never said you were.” I couldn’t hold back the anger in my voice. Here I was, trying to reach out to him, and I was practically getting spit on in return. Was this payback for me continually pushing him away after Ben was killed? Was this what I deserved? If so, the world had a cruel sense of humor. “I’m just saying, it’s necessary for you to know these things, especially if you’re a Squad Leader. There’s paperwork you have to fill out, and you have to know what to do when you come across it.”

He groaned again, tearing his arm away from me. Turning back to the window, he gazed up at the full moon above. Even through the glass, which Gretel had wiped down earlier, I could still see the stars twinkling brightly in the black sky. I swallowed as I thought of Ben, Ma, and Dad.

_Are they watching over me right now? I could really use some of their guidance right now._

I sighed heavily, pressing a hand to my face. Who was I kidding? I knew exactly what each of them would say right now. Dad would brush off the notion of paperwork, just as he always had, and he would insist it wasn’t necessary to know anyway—your only skills that mattered were the ones that came into play when you were fighting against the Titans. Ma, however, would flick him in the side of his head and scold him for giving such advice. She had been highly educated herself, and she always pushed for each of her children to do well in their studies. She had been thrilled when Ben came home every day, at the top of his class. Leyna and I weren’t too bad ourselves, but Ben was our star student.

Right now, Ben would remind me of the days he used to tutor me in math. He would always be so proud of me whenever I managed to get the correct answer on my own, even though I told him I never would have made it that far without him. He was a great teacher, even during our cadet days. Sometimes, I would need his help when it came to practicing with our ODM gear, and he was always a great studying partner whenever we had to prepare for our written exams.

“Look,” I started again, not even trying to hide the exhaustion in my voice, “just think of it as…my way of thanking you…for helping me train at night.” My cheeks burned as the words left my lips, and it only worsened when he glanced at me from over his shoulder. “It’s just that…you’ve been helping me lately…and I want to return the favor…”

Even though I was trembling all over, I forced myself to meet his eyes. They were still slanted, but not as icy as they had been a few moments ago. Still, I had to stand my ground. I wasn’t afraid of him—like he’d said a few nights ago, when he had tried to kiss me, I had no reason to be. And damn it, when he needed my help, I planned on giving it to him.

“I won’t talk down to you or make fun of you in any way, I promise. I just want to help you out.”

A soft groan left his lips as he finally turned to face me fully, his hand pressed against the back of his neck. If I didn’t know any better, I would have guessed he was a little nervous. But it was so out of character for him I nearly laughed out loud.

“Fine, do what you want. I guess I don’t want to have a squad looking down on a leader who can’t even fill out a fucking paper.”

This time, when I reached out my hand to touch his arm, he didn’t move away. I hid a smile as I gripped the side of his upper sleeve, over the small cut I had sewn up a few months ago. _Third time’s the charm, I guess._

“Don’t worry about it. You helped me, so now it’s my turn to help you. We can start now, if you want. The sooner the better, you know.”

He scoffed lightly and shook his head. Before I knew it, he had flicked my forehead, and that familiar glint was evident in his silver eyes. “Only after you clean yourself up, brat. You’re covered in dirt.”

For the thousandth time today, my cheeks flushed with a dark red color. “S-sorry… I wasn’t expecting company, you know…” 

I stole a glance at the bathroom connected to my bedroom. The idea of a shower was very tempting, but I still didn’t feel comfortable taking one while knowing Levi was in the next room. He must have seen the dilemma on my face, because he rolled his eyes and pressed a hand to his forehead.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ll wait outside. Just don’t forget to let me back in when you’re done.”

That idea sounded much better than the first. At least we would have a few doors between us. “Uh, g-good idea! I’ll make it quick, don’t worry. …And when I come back out, you can choose one of the books from that shelf over there, and we can get started. I want to see how much you already know before we really dive in.”

Once he gave me an affirming nod, I raced into the bathroom, eager to shed my grimy clothes. However, it wasn’t until I heard the main door of the office close behind him that I started preparing the water for a quick shower. I stripped out of my clothes, leaving me in just my bra and panties, and stared at myself in the mirror. I cringed at my dingy appearance—I _really_ looked bad. _Had I really talked to him looking like this? I can’t believe it!_

I yanked the elastic band out of my hair, letting the upper reddish-brown locks of my head fall over my shoulders. Once I was sure the water was warm enough, I shed the rest of my undergarments and stepped underneath the spout. A fresh set of clothes—the ones I often referred to as “civilian clothes”—rested on the rack near the sink, next to a clean white towel. At least I didn’t have to change back into those dirty military clothes as soon as I was clean. I could always wash them tomorrow, and maybe even add some of Hanji’s laundry in with the load.

As I felt the muscles in my shoulders relax underneath the warm liquid, I began to smile. I had managed to get through to Levi, even if it was only for a short while. He had shown me a side of him not many people had seen, if I had to guess. And despite his initial reluctance, he eventually agreed to accept my help. At least the relationship was no longer one-sided.

Hopefully it would last. The idea of an actual friendship with this man was starting to grow on me, no matter how difficult he could be sometimes.

A few minutes later, I shut off the water and stepped out of the shower. Once I was dried off, I pulled my civilian clothes on. They were simple: a gray long-sleeved shirt with an open neckline, and a pair of black pants with matching dress shoes. My hair was still wet, but I managed to brush it out, just so it wouldn’t tangle up on me as it dried.

Once I was certain I looked presentable enough, I scooped up my dirty clothes and dropped them in the small laundry basket outside the bathroom. I went to the office door and opened it up. A sense of relief washed over me when I saw Levi still standing outside, leaning against the wall and facing the door.

“Ready?”

“Only if you are.”

Just like before, he made his way into my office, and I shut the door behind him. However, this time, I felt a little safer upon hearing that familiar _click_ in the lock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Mia is finally starting to question her feelings for Levi. And she's starting to wonder whether or not he sees her as more of a friend. Don't expect her to act on these feelings too soon, though - she's a risk taker, but not when it comes to romance. (The poor girl...) 
> 
> It's technically canon that Levi wanted to brush up on his literary skills upon being promoted to a squad captain, so I decided to incorporate Mia into this. It's such a personal part of him to share with anyone, and when Mia realizes this, she has to make sure she treads carefully. He trusts her enough to share this with her, and she doesn't want to scare him off. 
> 
> Expect more fluff in the next chapter, too - I'll make sure to post it in the next couple of days for you guys. Thank you so much to everyone who's read this story so far! You guys are awesome! :)


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy! This is possibly the longest chapter of this story so far! A lot of you loved the fluff/tension between Levi and Mia...so this chapter has more of that! I hope you enjoy it! :)

|XXII|

I woke up to the faintest rays of sunlight pouring in through the window. When I opened my eyes, I was surprised to find myself in my new bed, with the top white sheet draped hastily over me. I groaned and rubbed my eyes, feeling the beginning traces of a morning headache kick in. Whenever I stayed up too late at night, I would always get a headache the following morning. Apparently, my father had gotten them, as well, and Ma would always scold us for staying up so late when I was little.

As I sat up against the pillows, I saw that my bedroom door was opened slightly. I raised an eyebrow at this. I didn’t remember climbing into bed last night, much less closing the door after myself. _What happened last night?_

With a jolt, I suddenly remembered the events leading up to my slumber. Levi and I had stayed up for a few hours, poring over a book he had chosen from the bookcase— _A History of Shiganshina_ , I believe it was called—and the two of us had taken turns reading sections of it out loud. He knew more than he had tricked himself into believing, and he only needed help pronouncing a few words here and there. He had a tendency to skip over a few lines, since he was rushing to finish, but we would work on that. I had struggled with that problem myself, so I knew how to fix it.

But I must have fallen asleep right at my desk, because I didn’t remember saying goodnight to him, or getting into bed on my own. If I had to guess, he probably tucked me in himself. Just the thought of that happening _again_ sent a wave of heat to my face. Would there ever be an instance between us where I didn’t embarrass myself in front of him? Or was I cursed to constantly make a fool out of myself?

_Speaking of Levi, where is he? Did he leave last night?_

I stretched out my arms and yawned, wincing as a bolt of pain hit my forehead. I would have to take it easy today, even though I was scheduled to meet with my new squad. Judging by the position of the sun outside, I had a couple more hours before that happened. Hopefully I would be able to get rid of it before then.

After slipping on my black dress shoes, I stepped out of bed and went straight to the bathroom. As I washed myself up and brushed my teeth, I realized just how unnaturally quiet the area around me was. I was used to the sleepy chatter of the girls in the women’s barracks, as they bustled around me to get ready for the day ahead. Anna would be talking to Lilly, Hanji would be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as usual, and I would be moping around, struggling to keep my eyes open. Mornings were _not_ my strong suit.

Once I had finished my business, I walked out into my office, pulling the top half of my hair into its usual ponytail and letting the rest fall at my shoulders. However, the moment I stepped through the door, I let out a squeak—apparently, I still had company.

Levi was stretched out along the small two-seat sofa Reggie and I had shoved toward the far corner of my office, so that it faced my desk and the window behind it. His boots were propped against the end of the sofa, and his white cravat was folded neatly and resting on the arm. He stared up at the ceiling, with the back of his hand laid across his forehead. The copy of _A History of Shiganshina_ was lying on his stomach, with his free hand holding his page.

“You’re finally awake,” he muttered softly, not even glancing in my direction. “You passed out halfway through the third chapter. It’s shit, though, so don’t feel bad.”

“…It’s fine,” I choked out, still entranced by his presence. I had read that book countless times with Dad; I practically knew it by heart at this point. “Have…have you been here all night?”

“Is that a problem?”

He finally turned his head to face me, his gray eyes dull and tired. He looked even more drained than usual. Had he even gotten any sleep himself? I remembered he had told me he didn’t need that much to begin with, but still, it couldn’t be healthy to stay awake all the time. Even I had to fall asleep at one point or another.

“No.” To be honest, it felt weird knowing he had been in the next room while I slept, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. For God’s sake, we had slept on the same couch before during our time in Trost. “Sorry the sofa’s not that comfortable. I haven’t been able to get pillows for it yet.”

He only shrugged, grunting as he lifted himself off the cushions. As he sat up and straightened his shirt, my eyes drifted over to his collarbone. Throughout the night, he had unbuttoned the next two clasps on his shirt. Now my eyes were free to roam the top of his bare chest.

I bit my lip so hard I tasted blood. _What is **wrong** with me?! I shouldn’t be thinking about him like this, especially when he’s right in front of me!_

I cleared my throat, watching him pull on his boots and lace them up. “Um…you’re a pretty good reader, you know.”

“Tch, don’t lie to me, brat.”

“But it’s not a lie. You just have to pace yourself a little bit better. I struggled with that, too, when I started reading.”

He only huffed in response, keeping his eyes away from mine. Once his boots were on, he stood up from the couch and buttoned his shirt back up. I bit back a whine at this; I would die of embarrassment if I let him hear something like that. When he was done, he grabbed his cravat and the book, silently making his way over to me.

Wordlessly, he shoved the book into my hands. I couldn’t read his face, and his eyes stayed that same dull gray color. What was he thinking right now? Would he ever let me into that strange mind of his? I had shared some of my secrets with him—would he ever return the favor?

But even when he had handed me back the book, he didn’t step away from me. He continued to stare at me with those slanted silver hues, and the longer he did, the more I could feel my face heat up. By now, I was one hundred percent certain he could see the blush on my cheeks, and there was nothing I could do about it.

“So…” I rocked back and forth on my heels, awkwardly glancing to the side. _God, I have to get a grip_. “You wanna do the same thing tonight? We can go through a different book, if you want. I have plenty of them in here, you know.”

Eager to get away, just so I could breathe properly, turned away and walked toward the bookshelf next to my desk. After filing _A History of Shiganshina_ away on the bottom shelf, I straightened myself up and gazed at the upper shelves. Scores of books stared back at me, some of them dusty and worn and others newly printed. I had to remember to bring Hanji some of the science volumes later today, just in case she found any of them interesting.

“I mean, most of them are history books and reference charts. But if you want, I can see if Hanji has any fiction on the shelves in her office. She’s weird like that, you see.”

I laughed breathlessly at my friend, who insisted when we were twelve years old that I read one of the various books she had brought with her to our training. I couldn’t remember the title, but it had followed an intelligent princess who searched the Walls for her one true love. It was a little cliché, but it had been well-written, and it was definitely memorable. I remember wanting a relationship just like the one between her and her lover when I was younger.

We had gotten into so much trouble when we were younger. We used to sneak into each other’s beds just to read her books, using only the moonlight to help us read through the night. Instructor Duvalier had made us run fifty laps every time he caught us giggling past curfew, but it was worth it to spend some extra time with my friend. Still, to this day, I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t just confiscate the books when he had the chance. He obviously knew we were reading when we were supposed to be sleeping, but he never acted on it. Instead, he opted to assign us extra laps and push-ups. I was happy to report that, after three years of this rigorous treatment, both Hanji and I had made it out alive, with every single one of her books in tow.

When I turned back around, I was met with Levi’s small yet sturdy body. I yelped and jumped away, my back hitting the bookshelf behind me. Thankfully, none of the books fell to the ground. However, I wasn’t so lucky.

Although he was only an inch or two taller than me, it felt as though he was towering over me. Slowly, he reached up and placed his right hand on the shelf above my head, essentially trapping me against the piece of furniture. My mouth ran dry as I stared up at him with wide eyes—soft amber into steel gray.

The close proximity between the two of us unnerved me, but it wasn’t so bad that I felt I had to get away from him _right now_. There was enough space between our faces and chests that I felt like I could handle it. Sure, it didn’t help that his hot breath was coating my face, but I felt as though I could make a break for it if I had to. However, I never felt that with him. As long as he kept himself at a reasonable distance, I knew I was safe with him.

When he spoke, his low voice sent shivers down my spine. “Why are you so fixated on me, Wolf? Why do you care so much about me?”

I swallowed hard. Was it really that obvious? Did I really care about him more than I should? I mean, there was no denying that I felt a pull toward him, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t say. I wanted to learn more about him, to find out more about his past and his family and what he had gone through before I had met him and his companions nearly two years ago. I wanted to help him out whenever I could, so he wouldn’t see me as another useless brat. I didn’t know what my feelings for him were, but at this point, I could freely admit I enjoyed spending time with him. So yeah, maybe I cared about him a little more than I should have.

Then again…it wasn’t one-sided. He was just as guilty of it as I was.

“…I could ask you the same thing,” I replied, sounding braver than I felt.

A soft, breathless laugh left his lips at my answer, and it wasn’t long before the corner of his mouth strung up in a smirk. But he didn’t say anything. The two of us continued to stare at each other, waiting for the other to speak. My mouth was too dry, and my voice was lodged in my throat.

Seconds, minutes, possibly hours could have passed between us, and I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea. I was too mesmerized by those slanted silver eyes, which refused to leave my own. I thought back to what Gretel had said about them. They were far from nice—they were _stunning_. And when I saw the shadow of blue mixed in, I almost wanted to call them beautiful.

_What’s happening to me? I’m not…falling for him…am I?_

_No, I’m not. That’s ridiculous, right? He’s a jerk, he wouldn’t have any interest in me like that!_

I winced at the memory of his face inching closer to mine a few nights ago. Was it really that far out of reach? I had no idea, but I wasn’t about to ask him about it, either. Just in case it turned out to be a coincidence, and he had zero interest in me like that, I didn’t want to embarrass myself even further in front of him.

Finally, he took a step back, reeling his arm away from the shelf above my head. As he turned to glance out the nearby window, I couldn’t help the pang of disappointment in my chest. But it was soon chased away by that fuzzy feeling when he draped a hand over my head, messing up my hair.

“You’re a real piece of work, brat. At least you’re not shaking like a damn leaf anymore, like you were last week.”

 _You mean when you tried to kiss me?_ “Yeah, well…” My eyes dropped to the floor, and my back pressed further into the bookcase behind me. “It’s hard to keep calm when someone’s trying to get so close to your face.”

I spoke the last part so softly I didn’t expect him to hear me. But he did, and his smirk only grew. I swallowed hard, feeling the blush on my face spread down to my neck. “You didn’t seem that bothered just now.”

 _What am I supposed to say to **that**?!_ I shook my head, keeping my eyes glued to the floor between us. I focused on my dress shoes instead, counting the small tears on the corners, where they had worn away over the years.

“…Maybe I’m just…used to you by now…”

“Tch, that’s good to hear. You used to be scared shitless of me.”

“I was not!”

“Don’t deny it,” he said, flicking my forehead. My cheeks burned even brighter at the motion. “When we left the capital with Isabel and Furlan, you couldn’t look me in the eye. And every time you did, you nearly pissed yourself.”

At this point, I was certain my face was putting out more heat than the morning sun peaking in through the window. Had I _really_ been that scared of him? Sure, he had made me feel uneasy, especially in the beginning, but I was never truly terrified of him. Besides, he wasn’t exactly the most approachable person to begin with. If I had a golden coin for every scowl he had sent my way within the first week of knowing him, I would be living in Mitras by now.

“…Sorry, but our first encounter wasn’t exactly ideal,” I muttered, lifting a hand to the left side of my face. The thin white scar from that day was still evident; although it was thin, it was still noticeable. If I had to guess, it wouldn’t ever go away.

He stayed silent at that, and when I looked up to meet his eyes, I realized with a shudder they were focused on the white scar on my face. I bit my lip as his eyes roamed the thin white line before trailing back up to my own.

“No, it wasn’t.” And with that, he turned around and headed toward the door, still holding his cravat in his hand.

 _Wait, you’re leaving already?_ “…Y-you still want to meet up later, right?”

“If you insist.” Then he was gone, the door slamming behind him.

My lips parted slightly as I stared at the spot he had occupied just moments ago. My mind was racing as I struggled to process what had just taken place.

Did I say something to offend him? If so, what was it? What did I do? I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed a hand to my throbbing temple. I had chased him off again, but why? He was the one who had mentioned Isabel, so it definitely wasn’t her that had upset him.

 _The scar_ , I realized with a jolt. He had only started acting cold and distant toward me when I had mentioned our first meeting in the Underground. He was the one who had given me that scar—it had come from his own knife. I wondered if he had used that same knife to slice up that angry citizen’s hand back in Trost when he started manhandling me.

Maybe he felt guilty that he was the reason I had it. Maybe it made him uncomfortable to know he had been the one to hurt me. It didn’t bother me that much, and it didn’t distract people from my face, so I had no problem with it. Scouts wore their scars proudly—we weren’t afraid of showing them to the world at all. And it was far from being my only scar. Throughout my years of military training, I had lost count of the marks that had spread across my body.

Still…now he knew that he was the one to make me bleed that day. And for whatever reason, he cared about me enough to feel bothered by it.

I groaned and made my way back to my bedroom. I couldn’t be bothered with that now. I had chores to do, and a squad to train. Hopefully I would feel better by the time I met up with Levi later tonight.

|~|

Once I had changed into a fresh military outfit and eaten something with Hanji in the mess hall, I met up with my new squad outside the stables. Reggie was already there, along with a sleepy Evan, who forced himself to stand upright. Not a second after I reached them, I saw Gretel jogging over to us, her ponytail swishing with each stride.

“Nice to see you, cadets.” I saluted to them, and they returned it in a heartbeat. “I trust you all got a good night’s rest. Because today, we move onto the fun part of your training.”

At least, _I_ thought it was fun.

With a nod, I motioned them to follow me into the first stable. As I passed her stall, I gave Mischa a gentle pat on her nose. But she wasn’t my main target. The silvery horse in the stall next to her was.

“As members of the Survey Corps, it’s imperative that you know how to ride a horse. Out beyond the Walls, your horse is your best friend, and sometimes your lifeline. They’re just as important as your ODM gear. The more trust you and your steed have in each other, the more likely you’ll survive out there.”

Of course, I had no intentions of letting any of them die out there. I had made a promise to Rosalie and Emmett, and I was going to keep it, even if it killed me.

The moment we reached Edel’s stall, he stuck his head out and snorted softly. I ran my hand down the side of his neck, smiling as he sank further into my touch. But before I could get too lost in petting him, I turned back to my squad. I still kept a hand on his neck, though.

“How many of you have ridden a horse before?” It was an essential part of training for cadets, but it was only touched on briefly. It wasn’t seen as a necessary skill, since those who opted to join the Military Police and the Garrison (which were most if not all of the cadets, to be honest) would never need to know. While the Garrison only rode horses from time to time, the Military Police had the luxury of using carriages to get where they needed to go. The Scouts were the only soldiers who regularly used them, so it was my duty to make sure my cadets knew how to work with them.

All three hands went up, although Gretel hesitated for a moment. Evan looked relaxed and borderline confident, which gave me a smile. Reggie looked indifferent, as usual. If I had to take a guess, it looked like the boys were more comfortable with horses at this point. Gretel, on the other hand, appeared to be a bit nervous. I had been like her, when I’d first started working with Edel. We would have to fix that.

“That’s good. And do you know how to properly saddle and bridle them?” The three of them nodded once more. “Good. Now follow me.”

I gave Edel one last scratch on his neck before moving further down the hall of the stable. Halfway down the hall, I came to a stop and turned to the right. Three horses were tucked away in their stalls, which were all stationed next to each other. They were all the same shade of cocoa brown, reminding me of Hanji’s hair, and they had black manes and tails, similar to Edel’s. Their ears were pricked forward, which was a good sign. Besides, it wasn’t as though the Scouts invested in any mean-spirited horses to begin with.

Well, maybe Edel was an exception. But all the trouble he gave me came from a place of love and affection, and I knew what to expect from him after the ten years we had spent together.

“These are the horses you’ll be taking care of from now on,” I told the cadets, who stared at the majestic animals in silence. “Hertz, yours is the one on the far right. He’s very calm in the field, and he has a lot of power. He needs a soft hand. Mayer, yours is on the far left. She’s very sweet and she loves attention, but she can get distracted a bit easily. And Brose, yours is the one in the center. It takes a while for him to start moving, and he requires a lot of extra leg. However, he’s very docile and overall a great horse.”

As they took in the sights of their new horses, I could barely hold back my grin. Reggie was sizing up his new steed, trying to keep himself under control. But even I could see the tips of his fingers shaking in excitement. Evan looked a little skeptical, but once he reached out and stroked his gelding’s snout, his face melted into a smile.

However, Gretel didn’t seem that amused at all. She just stared at her new mare with wide green eyes, which were barely visible by her goggles. Both boys had their backs turned to her, so they couldn’t see her swallow tightly. But I could.

 _She’s nervous_. And honestly, I couldn’t blame her. Although I was never scared of horses, I was still uneasy around Edel when I was assigned to him at fifteen years old. He was a little bit bigger than most horses around his age, and I could never keep myself from staring at his massive hooves. Whenever he moved his head, I was worried he would hit me and accidentally bite me. Every time I brushed a special spot on his shoulder, he would swerve his head around and flatten his ears. I would flinch away, and when he realized I was uncomfortable, he would become uneasy himself.

It took a few months, but eventually, I learned to trust him with my life. If worse came to worst, and I was stranded outside the Walls, I would have no one to count on but my silvery gelding. Gretel needed to understand that, no matter how intimidated she was at the moment.

As subtly as I could, I moved over to her brown mare’s stall and opened the door. She let me enter immediately, brushing her snout over my shoulder. She was smaller than Edel—possibly the same size as Mischa—but I could still see the muscles underneath her skin. I grazed my hand across her side, motioning for Gretel to follow me.

“Saddle your horses up, and we’ll meet in the paddock outside in a few minutes.”

Gretel wasn’t one to disobey an order, but she still looked worried as she stepped down into the stall. When the mare moved her head to gaze into her eyes, I saw the poor blonde tense up and flinch away. The mare exhaled, almost sounding disappointed with her new rider.

As I stroked her snout, I leaned over to Gretel and kept my voice soft. “It’s okay to be nervous, Mayer. I was, too, in the beginning.”

Her green eyes shot open and she shook her head wildly. “I-I’m not nervous, c-captain.”

Of course she wouldn’t admit it, not with Reggie and Evan so close to us. She had an image to keep up, and she would probably die before she let either of them see her in such a vulnerable state. But I wasn’t going to give up on her. Not now, not ever.

“Still, it’s fine to be uneasy around them. Sometimes it just helps to have another person in the stall with them when you’re getting them ready.” At least, that’s how I learned to relax around Edel.

Gretel still looked doubtful, but she didn’t dawdle for too long. With another tight swallow, she reached around and grabbed the saddle and blanket resting on the rack outside the stall. I watched her work, holding the mare’s snout in my hands. She obviously knew what she was doing, and she didn’t make any mistakes.

But when she tightened the girth to secure the saddle, the mare’s head jerked up and out of my hands. Gretel gasped, backing up and into the door of the stall, accidentally trapping herself in with the two of us. I reached out and pet the mare’s neck, whispering sweet nothings against her snout. Eventually, the poor girl calmed down, and she was relaxed once again. When she was settled, I gazed over at Gretel, who stared at me with frustrated tears in her eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was so quiet I thought I’d imagined it. “I didn’t mean it.”

“It’s alright,” I told her, giving her my best sympathetic smile. I couldn’t have a cadet crying on the second day of training. “No big deal. The girth usually startles them. My dad always told me that it’s like tying a belt really tight around your waist, so they’re going to get uncomfortable at it.”

Still, while the mare’s reaction had been totally normal, Gretel’s wasn’t. The mare had barely moved her head, and already, Gretel looked like she was ready to bolt. The general uneasiness in her eyes had sparked into actual fear, and her hands gripped the bars of the stall door so tightly they were now the color of snow.

Something told me she had a history with horses, and not the good kind. But I wasn’t about to interrogate her so far into her career as my subordinate. When she trusted me a little more, I could ask her about it—that is, if she didn’t tell me first. But somehow, I believed I would have to fish for the answer. She didn’t seem like the type to spill out her entire life story to every person she met.

_She reminds me of Levi, in that way._

I groaned inwardly at the thought of him. I had no time to ponder over him at all today. Right now, my main focus was getting my cadets ready for the expedition next month.

“Come on, she should be fine by now. You can finish tacking her up.”

With a tiny nod, she moved away from the door and began to busy her hands once again. This time, the mare stayed still under her touch. She could probably sense Gretel’s fear, and it was making her sad. She really was a sweet horse.

_But we’ll work on that. One thing at a time, right?_

|~| 

It was late in the afternoon when we finally finished up our riding lesson. I had kept it simple, just focusing on the simple walk, trot, and canter around the fenced-in area outside. Evan was a natural at riding—in fact, it was the only time I had seen him completely relaxed and confident in his skills. His reins were at a reasonable length, and he kept the heel of his boot firmly wedged into the horse’s side, urging him on even when he began to falter. He obviously knew what he was doing, which made me think he had grown up riding horses at his home in Karanes District. He would adapt to working with ODM gear from his horse’s back in no time. As I watched him gallop around the paddock, I thought of Isabel, and I smiled at the memory of her sweet face.

Reggie was a little stiff, but overall a pretty good rider. His horse had a soft mouth, so he had to hold himself back from tugging hard on the reins. I could tell he wasn’t used to riding with short reins, and when the gelding fought against him, he tended to curl up in a ball and lose his cool. But other than that, he had kept his pace consistent and steady.

Finally, there was Gretel. She tended to mutter to either herself or her horse when she was riding, but I didn’t mind. As long as it kept her comfortable up there, I had no problem with it. She had a good strong leg, and she didn’t hesitate in bringing her horse’s attention back to her when the mare started to slow down. Even though she didn’t see it in herself, she was a decent rider.

Now, I was busy scooping out fresh hay into Edel’s stall and refilling his water trough. While I was at it, I also refilled Mischa’s water, which earned me a thankful grunt from her. With both of them taken care of, I latched up Edel’s stall (but not after giving him a goodnight kiss) and headed out of the stable.

I had another couple hours left before dinner was served, so I headed back to my office in the castle. It was time I did some of that paperwork Hanji had dropped off last night.

But when I stepped inside my office, a wave of exhaustion washed over me. I remembered the events of last night and this morning: reading with Levi, spending the night with him… I flushed at the memory of his hand pressed above my head, trapping me between himself and the bookcase behind me. And with a groan, I remembered how I had unknowingly pissed him off and sent him out of the room in a huff.

_Stop it, don’t think about him. You’ll see him at dinner, anyway, so keep him out of your mind for now._

No matter how hard I hoped, though, I didn’t think that would be the case.

I sat myself down at the desk and began filing through the paperwork, filling out what I could. I had seen most of this stuff before, back when I started with Rosalie and Emmett, so it wasn’t that bad as it used to be. It was just tedious at this point. I suppose I was like my father in that way—he didn’t like paperwork too much, either.

But once I finished filling out the fourth sheet in the first folder, which asked for my first evaluations on the new members of my squad, my eyes drifted to the corner of the desk. The little leather notebook I had found in the nightstand drawer yesterday was resting on the surface, the strap hanging off the side of the desk. I bit my lip and snatched it up, flipping to the beginning.

There was no name written down, either on the inside flap or the first page, so I had no way of knowing who it belonged to. The only way to find out was to try to decipher the entries written inside. So I sat back in my seat and held the book open, silently reading the messy scribbles inside.

**_ Klaus Sieger is now the 11th Commander of the Survey Corps. He’s a fine soldier, no doubt about it, but something feels off about him. He doesn’t have the fighting spirit that our last Commander had. I worry that when the Military Police berate us for “wasting their time and taxes,” like they always do, he’ll just lay on his back and take it. It’s disgraceful.  _ **

**_ It’s not like I want the job for myself. I would never become Commander, even if they paid me handsomely. I have enough of a burden on my shoulders as it is. Besides, Annika doesn’t need that, and neither do the kids.  _ **

My forehead creased. _Annika?_ That was my mother’s name. Not once in my life had I ever come across someone else with that name. She always bragged about that, which is where I could see Leyna inherited her sassy, unapologetic nature.

_Did this Scout know my mother? If they did, why would they refer to her and “the kids”?_

_…Unless…_

With a gulp, I turned to a different page. I wanted it to be true, but I didn’t dare get my hopes up.

**_ Today is the anniversary of Benjamin’s death. After visiting his grave, I went back to Ehrmich to see the kids. Benjamin always spoke highly of Annika and our family—he always insisted I take more time off to visit them. He was so flustered when he learned we had named our son after him.  _ **

**_ They’re getting so big now. They just reached their second birthday a few days ago. Leyna looks more and more like her mother every day—and she’s starting to act like her, too. Annika always jokes that Ben is the spitting image of me. And Mia is causing us more trouble as she gets older, but we still love her dearly.  _ **

Tears sprang into my eyes. This was _Dad’s_ old journal, from when he was a Scout. But I hadn’t known he was a Squad Leader. In all my years of knowing him, he had never once brought that up. I guess he didn’t want to burden his daughter with that knowledge, in case he made her feel as though she had something else to live up to.

 _This had been his office. He had sat at this same desk, had slept in that same bed._ Even now, after six years of living without him, I could still feel his presence around me. I wiped my eyes with the back of my sleeve and kept reading.

**_ Ani wants me to quit the Scouts. She never says it out loud, but I can tell she does. She always talks about how the kids need me and how she needs me. She worries about me dying out there beyond the Walls, leaving her alone with the babies.  _ **

**_ But I can’t do that. I have dedicated my life to humanity, and that’s what I will fight for. I have been blessed with a beautiful family, but I can’t let that distract me from my mission. I joined the Scouts for a reason, and I’ll be damned if I let anything keep me from it.  _ **

I wanted to read more, but I still had work to do. I grabbed Hanji’s note—the one Levi had scowled at last night—and stuck it in between the pages before tying the strand around it. I would return to it later, when I was in bed. It felt nice, holding a piece of my father in my hand.

It was no secret Ma had disapproved of my father’s place in the Survey Corps, and she tried to discourage me as much as possible from following in his footsteps. Her nerves only worsened after his injury, but that made me all the more ready to fight those beasts outside the Walls. They had hurt someone I held very dear to my heart, and I would make them pay. In the end, Ma had no official power to stop me from enlisting in the Scouts.

She mellowed down a few years after I had joined, once it was clear I could hold my own in the outside world. But still, I began to notice the way she would latch her arms around me to pull me against her chest, and how she almost forgot to let go of me sometimes. Her kisses on my cheeks and forehead became longer than the ones she would give Leyna and Ben, and whenever I came home to visit, she would always hang over me and make sure I wasn’t seriously hurt. I guess she just didn’t want to see her youngest daughter end up like her husband.

I placed the leather journal into the drawer near my right hand and gazed at the window. It was nearly sunset—dinner would be served soon. I shoved the rest of the paperwork back into the folders and stood up from my desk. I could work on them later; right now, I needed a little break. I still had laundry to do, anyway.

|~|

Once my clothes were washed and hanging on one of the clotheslines behind the girls’ barracks, I headed over to the mess hall. It was busier than usual, since we had to account for the new recruits, but I didn’t mind. As I grabbed a tray and filled it with a small portion of food, I saw Reggie and Gretel sitting next to each other at one of the tables on the far right, towards the back of the hall. Evan was currently a few spots behind me in line, chatting with Eld. The height difference between the two made me smile—Eld had to be at least a full head taller than my new cadet. But despite this, as well as the obvious age gap, they seemed to be good friends.

_I hope they make it through the expedition next month. No, I’ll make sure they do. I won’t let them die on my watch. Not this time._

When my tray was full, I began walking to our usual table near the huge window. Levi was already there—but Hanji wasn’t. I frowned at this. Hanji was always the early bird, getting to places before me. Unless she got caught up in her research, she rarely arrived before I did.

Finally, I found her at one of the center tables, chattering away with Erwin and the other Squad Leaders. She constantly glanced to the left at Levi, her shoulders lowering a little bit every time she did. I assumed she had offered him to join her, but he had declined. He was like that—always difficult, never working with others.

It was hard to believe he was already in charge of his own squad. But at the same time, I could understand Erwin’s reasoning. He was one of the best soldiers we had at this point, and it was only natural to have him in charge of an elite group of soldiers.

I bit my lip as I gazed back and forth between the two tables, standing in the middle of the hall like an idiot. I had never sat with Levi without Hanji right next to me, but on the other hand, I didn’t really want to sit with the other Squad Leaders. I would be reminded of everything I had to live up to if I did.

So I headed toward the table next to the huge window in the corner, my face burning as I took my usual seat.

I could feel his eyes on me the second I settled down. “What, you’re not going to sit over there with the other Squad Leaders?”

I shook my head before biting into the roll of bread I had grabbed for myself. “No. Nothing personal, I just don’t want to sit with them. They’re kind of… _intimidating_.”

I knew Erwin even when I had joined the Scouts ten years ago. Back then, he had been second-in-command to a squad, and a few years later, he had started commanding his own squad. We were never as close as Hanji and I were, but there was still an aura of respect between us. But now that he was Commander, I felt I had to live up to his high expectations of me. He considered me as one of his best Scouts—and good enough to lead the Elite Reconnaissance Squad. I didn’t want to slip up in front of him.

The other Squad Leaders at the table were nice enough, but I didn’t know them well. Mike tended to keep to himself, only speaking when he deemed it absolutely necessary. He was one of our best soldiers, and he had a high Titan kill count to brag about, if he wanted to. And Ness was one of our veteran soldiers; he had been in the Survey Corps for roughly twenty or so years, which was practically unheard of in the Scouts. He had been in charge of multiple squads over the years, and he had been the ones who had given me, Hanji, and the other cadets a tour of the base when we first joined up.

I was sure I would grow to be more comfortable around them as time went on, but for now, I was content with staying here on the side with Levi—even if the jerk _did_ make me blush all the time.

“And you thought I would want your company?” My head shot up at his question, tilting slightly in confusion. When he saw this, he scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You’re always glued to Hanji’s side. I’m surprised you didn’t follow her like you usually do.”

I was so star-struck by the fact he had referred to my friend by her actual given name instead of an insulting one that his comment almost didn’t register with me. But once it sank in, I felt the tips of my ears flush with heat. Just like Hanji, he could read me like an open book. It wasn’t a secret that Hanji was the reason I had any friends at all.

“I…I’m not the most sociable person,” I muttered, hanging my head. Hopefully, he couldn’t see my red face this way. “I don’t mix well with new people.” He hummed in agreement, and the two of us returned to our meal.

I was tempted to ask him why he had stormed out of my office earlier this morning. Had he really been bothered by my comment about the scar on the left side of my face? He didn’t seem annoyed right now, but I didn’t want to piss him off again by mentioning it.

Instead, I opted to keep my mouth shut and enjoy the silence. I hated to admit it, but it was nice without Hanji blabbering in my ear. Sometimes with her, I couldn’t find a moment’s peace, and I would get a headache from hearing her talk for hours at a time. She didn’t appreciate being quiet, like Levi and I did. That’s why I preferred spending nights out on the roof of the castle with him. He never complained that it was getting late or that he was tired. He simply sat at my side and basked in the calming silence of the night.

It didn’t take long for the two of us to finish our dinner, and once we did, we turned in our empty trays together. I stole a glance over at the table in the center—Hanji was nowhere to be found. She must have left already.

_I’ll have to stop by her office later to see if she wants any of those science books I found in my room._

I didn’t know what else to do, so I stayed at Levi’s side as he began to walk away. The two of us left the mess hall and stepped into the misty night. The sky was dark and the moon was veiled by heavy clouds. It was definitely going to rain soon.

“Any particular reason you’re following me, brat?” he finally addressed me as we made it into the castle.

I swallowed and diverted my eyes, keeping them trained on my brown leather boots. “We’re…still meeting up tonight…aren’t we?”

Even though I couldn’t see him, I was pretty sure he was rolling his eyes. “I already told you, whatever you want.”

“But I’ll only do it if _you_ want to! You have to be interested, you know.”

When I finally met his silver eyes, I was surprised to see them already gazing at me. Without slowing his pace down, he continued to stare at me—he didn’t even look like he was paying attention to where he was going.

_If I look closely, I can see that faint blue shadow in them._

“… _Are_ you interested…?” 

He held my eyes for a few seconds longer before finally speaking. “I suppose. But if we’re doing this, we’re doing it in _my_ office. I’m not staying in that shithole you call a room for another night.”

My face burned again, and I could feel my hands curl up into tight fists. “It’s not a shithole, you…you _prick_!”

The moment the insult left my lips, I slapped a hand over them, feeling the blush on my cheeks only worsen. I had never really insulted anyone out loud before, not even Hanji or Leyna. I always opted to call them names behind their backs or under my breath, so they would have no idea about it. Never had I ever insulted anyone in such an upfront way before. And judging by the fact it was _Levi_ whom I just insulted, I was in for a world of pain.

_By the Walls, I’m such an idiot! Why can’t I hold my tongue once in a while?! I’m always going off at how Hanji doesn’t have a filter, but I never take a look at myself! I’m so stupid. He’s gonna kill me now!_

Levi’s eyebrow inched up at my outburst; if I looked close enough, I could see the ghost of a smirk on his face. “So I’m a ‘prick,’ huh? You’re getting bolder with your comebacks.”

It was too late now to take it back and apologize. I didn’t want to seem weak and easily swayed. But through the fiery sensation on my face, a small part of me didn’t want to take it back. It felt good to insult him out loud. The only other time I had done so was right after Ben's death, when I had been blinded by anger. Now, I was free to take a bit of pleasure in the act.

“…It’s only fair,” I muttered once I lifted my hand off my mouth. “You always insult me, so I should return the favor every once in a while.”

“Oh? Does it bother you that I call you a brat?”

He wasn’t even trying to hide his smirk at this point. I rolled my eyes and nudged him in his arm with my elbow. “And a dumbass—don’t forget about that one.”

By now, the red color in my face was starting to ebb away. Despite the mean-spirited undertone, I was starting to feel more at ease with him. To be honest, I preferred this playful nature of his over his stoic, no-nonsense one. Even if it meant he was calling me names and putting me down. But something told me he didn’t really mean it—it was just his way of communicating with people.

As we ascended the staircase and reached the second floor, he motioned his head over to the left, to the space behind me. When I followed his gaze, I saw a door similar to the one that marked my own office. He stepped forward and opened it quietly.

This must be his office. I jolted when he finally looked at me again, already halfway through the door.

“You coming in or what?”

 _Wait, does he want to do our little meeting now? I don’t even have a book with me!_ “Uh… I actually have to drop off a few books at Hanji’s office before we start. But I’ll be back later tonight, I promise.”

He huffed, and something flashed in his silver eyes. But before I could ponder over what it could have been, he turned away and disappeared into his office. However, before shutting the door behind him, he peered out and stared at me with those burning gray eyes. I tried to ignore the fact my heart was thumping faster than usual in my chest.

“I’ll be waiting, Wolf. Don’t forget.”

I nodded and placed my fist against my heart in a salute. “Scout’s honor.”

He rolled his eyes again, and I felt a warm feeling pool in the middle of my chest when I saw the corner of his lip twitch. “You are unbelievable, brat.”

“I try.” I gave him a final wave before heading back down the hall, toward my own office. Even as I reached the end of the hall and headed out of his line of sight, I never heard the door click shut.

|~|

With my arms filled with science books, I struggled down the long hallway to Hanji’s office. Hers was in the same wing as mine, but five other rooms separated us. The female Squad Leaders’ offices were on the right side of the second floor of the castle, and the male ones were on the left. The Commander’s office was stationed right in the center, through a maze of halls and spare rooms. We had a library right next to Hanji’s office, so I planned to stop there before heading off to Levi’s room.

There were at least five good-sized books in my arms, not counting the two I had chosen for myself and Levi to go through later tonight. Tucked away in my jacket pocket was my father’s leather journal. It didn’t feel right for me to leave the room without it, so I decided to bring it with me. Now, along with my small wolf necklace, I had two pieces of my family I could carry around with me.

Finally, I came to Hanji’s office, and I tapped my boot against the wooden door (since my hands were occupied). But instead of my bespectacled friend, her assistant Moblit answered the door instead. With a friendly smile, he saluted respectfully and held the door open for me.

“Good evening, Mia. How have you been?”

“I’ve been better,” I replied with a wink. “And you? Hanji’s not driving you too crazy, is she?”

He smiled, but I could see the exhaustion in his eyes. “Not too much.”

Moblit was a sweet guy, only a year younger than myself. He had joined the Scouts the year after Hanji and I had, and he was a pretty good fighter. I had always liked him, especially since he was always looking out for Hanji. Although, I had to admit, he tended to worry a little too much. Still, I liked him, and even though I wasn’t as close to him as Hanji was, I considered him a good friend.

Hanji’s office was quite messy, but that was to be expected. Papers and books cluttered the surface of her desk, and there were a few pens scattered on the floor in front of it. Currently, she was standing at the spare table she had set up on the opposite side of the room, poring over an open book and scribbling down notes.

When she heard me step in, she glanced at me from over her shoulder and grinned. “Mia! What brings you here, buddy?”

With a grunt, I placed the tower of books next to her at the table. “These are some of the books I found while I was cleaning out my office with my squad. Maybe you can use them for your research or something, I don’t know. But I know you’ll get more use out of them than I will.”

Science really wasn’t my thing—along with math, it had been one of my weaker subjects. Thankfully, Ben never had to tutor me in it, so I was capable of passing it on my own. Still, I never liked all the technical talk.

But Hanji? She _breathed_ that kind of stuff. She would talk about Titan anatomy for hours with zero prompting whatsoever, to the annoyance of both me and Moblit, and to a more recent extent, Levi. I tried not to discourage her, but sometimes I just couldn’t hold back the sigh that bubbled up in the back of my throat. However, she never seemed to notice, and she just kept on chattering.

Her eyes lit up the moment she looked at the books. “Oh, thanks! I’m sure I can put these to good use.” When I moved to the middle of the pile, where the two books I had selected for Levi were placed, Hanji raised an eyebrow. “What are those?”

The two books— _Religion and the Walls_ and _Life as a Scout_ —were pressed against my chest in a feeble attempt to hide them from her. But she had a quick eye, and she was able to read the titles in less than a second. I gnawed on my bottom lip as she quirked an eyebrow in my direction.

“These are mine. I won’t be in my office for a bit.”

At this, she smiled slyly and slanted her eyes behind her glasses. “Oh, really? Where are you going instead, hm?” When I didn’t answer, she did so for me: “I bet you’re going to see Levi, right? Don’t act like I didn’t see you at dinner, sitting _alone_ with him. In fact, we all saw it.”

My jaw dropped. _So not only did Hanji see us, but Mike and Ness did, too?! **And** the Commander?! They’ll think we’re dating or something, and I don’t want that!_ And I was one hundred percent sure Levi didn’t want it, either.

“N-nothing happened, so st-stop it…” But her smirk only grew as I continued to look away. “Cut it out, it’s not like that.”

“Keep telling yourself that, Mia.” She rested a hand on my shoulder, and for a brief moment, all the playfulness in her eyes evaporated. She was much more focused now. “Remember what I said yesterday, though.”

“Yeah, I’m trying.”

But I didn’t have the time to worry about that now. My mission was to keep my squad safe and sound, and to help Levi with his reading skills. I couldn’t worry about my schoolgirl feelings for him, especially with the expedition in a few weeks. I had to be focused and ready for anything; I couldn’t let this drag me down.

“I have to get going,” I told her, already turning toward the door. “I just wanted to drop those off. I’ll see you later, Han. Have a good night. You too, Moblit.”

The two of them waved me off and wished me a good night, as well. As soon as the door closed behind me, I was off toward the library next door. Maybe I could find a few good books in there.

|~|

I had managed to pick out two more books from the library, which were fictional narratives. One of them, titled _Unearthly Things_ , was a classic novel about a young governess within Wall Sina who falls in love with the owner of the manor she works at. It was one of my mother’s personal favorite books, and she had made both Leyna and I read it when we turned eighteen. Unfortunately, our copy of the novel was currently in the remnants of Shiganshina, most likely lost to the Titans."

The other novel was called _Scarlet Sunset_ , which had also been a favorite of Ma’s. It followed the life of a young woman who struggles to build a new life for herself and her fatherless child. Leyna had read this one a while ago, thanks to Ma’s influence, but I had never really seen the appeal in it. Hopefully that would change if I started reading it with Levi.

Finally, I found myself standing in front of his office. As I raised my hand to knock, a jolt of excitement swept through me. _I’m standing outside a boy’s room. He’s about to let me inside._

 _Wait, no, he’s not a boy. He’s a man—it’s Levi, for God’s sake!_ But that bit of information didn’t really calm my nerves.

Before I could second guess myself, I rapped my knuckles on the wooden door three times. A soft rustling could be heard from the other side, and soon, it was joined by his deep voice.

“State your name and business.”

 _Wow, he certainly has this whole Squad Leader attitude down._ “Levi, it’s Mia. I came back; I didn’t forget about you.” As if I ever would, at this point.

It took a few seconds, but eventually, the door opened up, and my breath hitched in my throat. All of a sudden, I wanted a black hole to open up in the floor beneath me and swallow me up.

He had just taken a shower, judging by the way his wet hair clung to his forehead, but that wasn’t the main issue. He had pulled on a fresh gray shirt, but it was unbuttoned completely, exposing his bare chest in all its glory. His white pants were fine, thank the Walls, but it was distracting nonetheless. The longer I stared at his chiseled abdomen, the hotter my face grew.

 _You have **got** to be kidding me! Not this shit again!_ “…Can you button your shirt…please?” I was so close to covering my face with the books in my hands.

“Why? I thought you liked staring at me like this.”

A pathetic squeak escaped my mouth. This time, I _did_ hide behind the books I held so tightly. “N-n-no, I d-don’t!” Stop it! I need to focus, damn it!

He groaned softly, and when I peeked over the edge of the books, I could see him slowly buttoning his shirt up. “You’re such a pain,” he grumbled, his voice taking on a growling tone. It send shivers up my spine, and when his eyes met mine again, I felt like I was going to die. “Well? Happy now?” I nodded meekly, shifting from one foot to the other. “Then come on in, you little brat.”

_Sheesh, thanks a lot. I’ll remember this the next time you ever come back to my office._

He opened the door with a soft creak, and I stepped in without hesitation. The first thing I noticed about his office was how spotless it was. The floor was practically shining, the glass of the window was sparkling, and everything was organized. The corners lacked any cobwebs or dust, and even the ceiling looked like it had been washed.

_My God, he’s such a fucking clean freak._

As he closed the door behind me, I placed the books on his desk, laying them all out side by side. “Okay, I brought four books with me, so you choose which one you want to go through. This one is about religion, and this one is a memoir about a Scout. These two are fiction, so they’re made-up stories.”

“I know what fiction is,” he insisted in his low voice, coming up to stand beside me. I tried not to inch away as I felt his body heat radiating off of him. “I’m not that clueless.”

 _I never said you were_. But I simply nodded and kept my lips sealed. No need to push his buttons, I guess.

“This one is about a girl living in Wall Sina, and this one is about a mom and her daughter. So…which one do you want to practice with?”

He studied the covers for a brief second—and swiped up _Unearthly Things_ from the desk. He placed it in my hands before moving around to the other side of the desk. I grabbed the extra chair that was laying against the wall and pulled it up next to him. Before I flipped to the first page, I gave him a sideways glance.

“Just warning you, it’s a romance novel.”

“…And? What difference does it make?”

I stiffened under his gaze. “I just…didn’t think you’re the type…for romance novels.”

He rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat, propping his elbow up on the back of his chair. I tried not to jump as it brushed against my own chair. “I thought we were reading it for ‘practice,’ or whatever you call it. I couldn’t care less about the story.”

“Ugh, fine, be that way then.” I opened up the book and came to the beginning of the first chapter. “Start here.”

It didn’t take us much time at all to get through the first chapter. Just like last night, Levi read at a healthy pace, and whenever he reached a troublesome word, I had him sound it out on his own. With most of them, he was able to piece them together and repeat it fluently back. He had trouble with a few, but he got the hang of them after going over it a few times.

Sure, he used a majority of these words in his everyday vocabulary, but it was different to see them written out like this. It was nice to see him realize they meant the same thing. He was very observant, so he learned quickly.

Eventually, we had made it through the second chapter. Satisfied with his performance, I decided to move on to the writing portion of our lesson. After some pleading, he fished out a pad of paper and a pen from the drawer in his desk. First, to test his knowledge, I had him write out the alphabet. To be honest, I was a little surprised he could do it with no problem. If anything, his handwriting was messy, but not as messy as Hanji’s.

Next, I had him write out certain names. Although he raised his eyebrow at me, he did as I asked and wrote out his name in bulky letters. When I asked him to write out any more that he could think of, he didn’t hesitate to scrawl out Isabel and Furlan onto the parchment. Although I smiled sadly at the marks on the paper, I was glad he no longer seemed upset over their untimely deaths.

He was able to spell out my name, as well, along with Erwin’s and Mike’s. Hanji’s name gave him a little bit of trouble, since he couldn’t figure out if she spelled it with a “g” or a “j”. When he had finished with the names, we moved onto common words seen in the paperwork all the Squad Leaders had to fill out, like _reconnaissance_ , _soldiers_ , _horses_ , _supplies_ , and so on.

“You’re a fast learner,” I said with a smile, feeling a warm glow of pride settle in my chest.

However, he didn’t seem to take the compliment lightly. The minute he gazed at me with those slanted silver hues, I knew I had messed up somewhere. “You don’t have to sound so surprised. You think I couldn’t read or write before because I’m from the Underground?”

“What? No, not at all!” I held up my hands as my face flushed red for the millionth time today. “It’s just that, well…you didn’t really advertise it.”

By the way he had acted last night, I had thought he didn’t know how to read or write at all. I had assumed the worst, just because of his upbringing in the Underground City. Sure, I was wrong to do so, but I didn’t really know how things worked down there. It didn’t seem like a place that valued the education of its people all that much.

Levi sighed heavily and placed the pen down on the desk. He ran a hand through his hair, which was still slightly damp from his shower earlier. The black strands hung loosely over his eyes, almost hiding them from my view.

“Furlan was the one who taught us,” he mumbled, closing his eyes. I was frozen in my seat, scared to even breathe. “He made sure Isabel and I knew the basics, in case we had to sign things or make deals with our clients.”

 _That’s right, I almost forgot they used to be criminals_. They were most likely well-known in the Underground, especially with their stolen ODM gear and tough reputation. Surely in that kind of business, writing was a necessary skill to know.

“I get it… So, you’ve definitely read and written stuff before, huh?” _You’re just not confident enough in your skills._

The look in his eyes answered my question at once. He would never be one to admit it, though. He wanted my help, even if he couldn’t say it out loud. And as long as he acted civil toward me, I would be glad to give it to him.

“He kept a few books around the house,” he continued, his eyes slightly glazed over. “They weren’t the best, but they kept me busy.”

Now I understood. That was how he was able to read silently on his own last night, after I had fallen asleep. He was used to reading by himself, just as I was. But sometimes, if you didn’t read out loud, you tended to miss out on a few things. And the more you read, the better you wrote. That was just a universal rule, at this point.

“Well, you’re pretty good at it so far. You just have to keep practicing. Come on, let’s get back to work.”

|~|

This time, I wasn’t fully asleep when I felt him scoop me up and carry me into the next room. The side of my red face fell against his chest as he held me in those strong arms, and he let out a soft groan as he laid me on the sheets of his bed.

“Damn brat,” he mumbled, clearly thinking I was fast asleep. He removed my boots and jacket before pushing me into the center of the bed. “This better not become a routine. I’m getting sick of carrying your ass to bed.”

I could only smile as he pulled the clean sheets up and over my body. He whispered a soft “Goodnight, brat” to me before leaving the room, shutting the door halfway.

Once I was sure I was alone, I grasped the sheets and snuggled into them. I drifted off to sleep, with Levi’s scent laced through the sheets wrapped around me.

_Sweet dreams, Levi._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not ashamed to admit it: the titles and summaries for the books "Unearthly Things" and "Scarlet Sunset" come from two famous novels: "Jane Eyre" and "The Scarlet Letter." (I recently read "Jane Eyre" for one of my classes this semester, and I fell in love with it! I think it's a beautiful novel that still holds up today. (Also, the phrase "Unearthly Things" comes from a Doctor Who episode involving Jane Eyre.) I haven't read "The Scarlet Letter" yet, but it's definitely on my list of books to read this year!) 
> 
> Most of you guys already guessed it, but yes, Mia's office used to be her father's. I like the idea of her having a piece of her father close to her heart, and knowing that her office was the same one her father occupied in his days as a Scout brings her closer to him, in a weird sort of way. It's like a comforting blanket she can always return to when she gets lonely, or something... You know what I mean! :)
> 
> As much as I love Gretel (and the rest of Mia's new squad), I want to make sure they have flaws and fears of their own. Gretel's fear of horses comes from my own experiences, even though I love horses now. Poor girl, I understand how scared she can be. Horses are HUGE, and if you're not used to being around them, they're terrifying! We'll just see how she copes with her fear later down the line...
> 
> And finally, we have the fluff. Someone help Mia out, she can't handle all the subtle flirting! It's too much for her to handle, she doesn't know what to do! (Well, at least now she can say she's slept in Levi's bed before...) ;) 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think, and I'll see you for the next chapter in the near future! Stay safe and healthy during these times - we will get through this, I know it! Hang in there, guys!


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was...a struggle to write, to be honest. I did enjoy parts of it (*cough* Levi and Mia *cough*), but overall, I see it as a shameless stepping stone for the chapters to come. The expedition chapters are the hardest for me to write, and unless there's a major event happening throughout, I barely have any interest. Still, I hope you guys enjoy it. The next one should be up in a few days, and I promise it'll make up for this one! :)

|XXIII|

The month passed by quickly, and before I knew it, the expedition was right on top of us. My days were spent training Reggie, Gretel, and Evan in both ODM gear usage and horseback riding, and they were significantly better than they were when they first started. Gretel’s cuts were getting deeper, Evan was a speedy little fighter on his horse, and Reggie was a natural team leader. He kept his calm and gave advice to his squadmates, which helped me keep an aura of stability among them.

If all went well, and he proved himself to be capable on this expedition and the next few, I would consider making him my second-in-command. Some squads, depending on their size, needed another leader to fall back on, just in case things went awry. If anything happened to me, I would feel better knowing Reggie was there to handle the other cadets.

At night, I was either in Levi’s office, helping him fill out his paperwork, or the two of us were out in the forest, doing some one-on-one ODM training. He still insisted on teaching me how to properly spin in the air and use gravity to my advantage. While I was definitely slower than him, I improved each and every night we practiced. Eventually, his praise became less vague, and I began to believe he really meant every word.

On the night before the expedition, I had practically begged him to let me train with him. He had been reluctant, stating that I needed as much sleep as I could get, but eventually he gave in. I ran the course again, slicing the napes of ten wooden Titans before burning myself out. I took a half a minute to rest before moving onto the other six, and by the time I landed back on the ground next to him, I was struggling to catch my breath. The moment I sheathed my blades, I snatched the canteen he held out to me and gulped down the water inside.

“Your form is definitely better than it was, and you’re starting to rely on your own weight,” he evaluated, watching me with his arms crossed over his chest. “Transitions are still uneasy, but that’s to be expected. It’ll take some more time for you to get the hang of it.” Before I could finish the water, however, he raised his hand and lowered the canteen, pulling it away from my lips. “Take it easy, kid. I don’t need you throwing up so close to the trek.” When I shot him a glare, he only rolled his eyes. “We need you out there.”

My eyebrow shot up immediately. Was he admitting I was valuable? That I was actually useful on missions? I wiped the water droplets off my mouth with the sleeve of my jacket before answering: “Really? I doubt it. I’m not like you.”

I tended to have bad luck on expeditions—twice so far, I had been the sole survivor or two separate squads that had been butchered. And the only reason I had survived the second one was because Levi had stepped in before that Abnormal realized I was still alive.

Besides, even though he took the time to train me, I was nowhere near his skill level. My ranking of third place in the 90th Training Corps a decade ago meant nothing when compared to his raw strength and skills. He had only been with us for roughly two years, and already, his Titan kill count was in the high twenties. It was so close to surpassing my own, which was currently at thirty-one…not that I was jealous, or anything. But Commander Erwin needed strong soldiers at his side, and sometimes, I didn’t think I was cut out for it.

Levi didn’t shrug his shoulders in agreement like I thought he would. Instead, he held the canteen far out of my reach and kept those stunning silver eyes locked on mine. I prayed I could keep myself from blushing this time.

“You’re wrong. I’ve seen you fight, Wolf. There’s a reason Erwin considers you to be one of the best.”

The cold water churned in my stomach. This was the most he had ever said to be without insulting me or talking down to me. It was…kind of _nice_. _Who are you, and what have you done with the real Levi?_

Just as I opened my mouth, he held up a hand. “Don’t deny it. You have one of the highest kill counts in the Survey Corps. Most Scouts are lucky to get maybe ten, sometimes fifteen with other people. But yours is in the thirties—and that’s your _solo_ kill count. That’s no small feat, Wolf. No one else can do that.”

My face started heating up again. Wasn’t he overdoing it at this point? I mean, I liked the praise, but he didn’t have to go overboard with it. “You have a high kill count, too. Don’t act like you can’t do that, either.”

He didn’t back down, like I expected him to. Instead, he inched closer to my face, his eyes never leaving my own. “You’re right. But the way you move, and the way you fight… It reminds me of my own.”

I could feel my eyebrows begin to crease together. What was he getting at? Of course my fighting style mirrored his own—he had been teaching me almost every night for about a year now! Didn’t he see that?

“You told me once that your fighting style just _comes_ to you sometimes.” _Wait, he remembers me saying that? I thought he would have forgotten about it by now!_ “It’s practically instinct—you know what to do and how to do it. You’re focused and ready for anything.”

I was frozen under those silvery eyes. As usual, he was reading me like a damn book, just like Hanji always would.

“I get that feeling, too.”

My teeth sank into my bottom lip. “Wait, really? What do you mean?”

His eyes darted to the side, and before I knew it, his hand was on my shoulder. I bit back a squeak at the sudden contact. _I can handle this. This is fine. He won’t hurt me, I trust him._

“…Sometimes it feels like my body is flooding with power,” he finally muttered in a soft voice. “It’s raw, untamed, and sometimes dangerous. But something clicks, and I’m not afraid of it. I know exactly what needs to be done. I have total control over my body, and I can use that power to my advantage.”

I stared at him, my mouth falling open as he continued talking. Was he really telling the truth? Was this weird power surge he was talking about somehow related to my adrenaline rush? But that didn’t make any sense—we weren’t related in any way. He had lived in the Underground City for the majority of his life, working as a lowly thug with his band of criminals. I was a no-name girl from Ehrmich District who later grew up in Shiganshina, far away from the inner Walls. We had nothing in common, so how could we experience similar things like this?

There was a clear difference in our skill levels, but we seemed to balance each other out, now that I thought about it. While he was undeniably stronger than me, I made up for it in speed. He opted to use gravity to his advantage when bringing down Titans, and I decided to reel myself around with my small size. He preferred to slice their napes in a spinning attack, and I pulled myself over and around their necks, choking them before tearing out the chunk of flesh behind their throats. If given the chance, we could work as an effective team.

But then I thought of my family. Had my parents experienced this power before? I had never told anyone other than my siblings about it, because I thought it was just some weird quirk I had picked up while training to become a soldier. Now, I wasn’t so sure.

“My brother and sister felt the same thing,” I told him, silently relishing the feeling of his hand on my shoulder. “We never thought about it at the time. We just assumed it was because we trained harder than most of the cadets.”

He raised his eyebrow at this. “Where did you rank?”

“I was third. Ben was second, and Leyna was first. She was the best out of all of us.”

He nodded, his silvery eyes glistening in the moonlight. It was a full moon tonight, so we could see each other clearly. “And it’s because of that feeling that you’re so strong. It helps you in the way you carry yourself as a soldier. Even when you may not realize it, it’s the reason Erwin thinks so highly of you.”

My face was burning at this point, but I knew it was useless to try to get him to shut up. Maybe he did have a point. Maybe this weird power I had, that Leyna had, really did help us as soldiers. However, the reason why we had been blessed—or cursed—with it remained unknown.

Honestly, I didn’t know if I ever wanted to find out more about it. Maybe some things were just better off as a mystery.

When he realized I wasn’t going to answer, his eyes dimmed slightly, and he lifted his hand from my shoulder. “You know, it’s custom to thank someone after they give you a compliment.”

A squeak left my lips at this. “I-I didn’t mean…” I swallowed hard, gazing at the ground between us. “…Thanks…” Honestly, I didn’t really expect him to stay nice for too long. It probably hurt him to do so.

“That’s better,” he said in a playful voice, the smirk evident on his face. “You’re welcome, kid.” Thankfully, he turned away before he could see the obvious red splotches on my cheeks. “Come on, we should clean up. You need your rest.”

|~|

After the napes were replaced on the wooden Titans, the two of us retreated to our separate rooms. He had insisted on walking me back to my office himself, to make sure I didn’t wander off. Secretly, I took pride in the fact he cared enough about me to do that.

Now, I was lying in my bed, dressed in a fresh green shirt and white pants. I stared up at the ceiling, counting the stains and spots on the surface. The moon shone through the window, bathing me in its soft white light. The sheets were crumbled around my waist and stomach, with my arms resting above them. Bits and pieces of the sheets were wrinkled and matted from my fists. I hated the eerie silence the room gave me. At least with the girls’ barracks, I had the snores of Hanji and the other girls to keep me company. Now, I had nothing except my own heartbeat.

I could never sleep on nights before an expedition. I so badly wanted to pick myself up and make the trek over to Levi’s office, to see if he wouldn’t mind spending a little more time with me before I inevitably fell asleep. But I had eaten up enough of his time for one night; I had to deal with this on my own.

With a groan, I shifted onto my right side and shoved my hand underneath my pillow, gazing out the window next to my closet. I shut my eyes tightly, praying for sleep to take me away, but it wouldn’t come. All I was granted were memories of Rosalie and Emmett, mixed in with images of Reggie, Gretel, and Evan.

Those three were my kids now. I was responsible for them, and it was my job to make sure they came back safely. I couldn’t shield them from the horrors of the outside world—they had known what they were signing up for when they joined the Survey Corps in the first place—but I could ensure their safety out there. I had to keep a sharp eye, keep them out of dangerous situations.

Although I had only known them for a month, I had watched them grow up so much already. Evan was becoming more confident in his own skills, and Gretel was starting to act like a real team player. Reggie kept the two of them under his thumb, and they trusted him just as much as they trusted me—maybe even more than that. If I let anything happen to them during the expedition tomorrow, that trust would shatter, and if I wasn’t careful, they could grow to resent me. I couldn’t allow that, but I couldn’t demand blind respect, either.

Tomorrow, I was going to earn it on my own. Their lives were on my shoulders now, and their families were counting on me to bring them home. I didn’t want to return another dead Scout’s jacket and patches to their family.

_Rosalie Richards._

_Emmett Johansson._

My eyes burned with tears, but I blinked them away. I would do it for them. Reggie, Gretel, and Evan would get the protection I had promised Rosalie and Emmett all those years ago. I had failed with my first squad, I had let my second squad get butchered—but I refused to let my third squad die at the hands of the Titans.

_I’ll protect you, I swear on my life. I’ll die before I let any of you see the jaws of a Titan._

|~|

Now that Shiganshina was out of commission, the Scouts were forced to depart from Trost District, on the south side of Wall Rose. By this point, the remnants of the disease from winter had been eradicated, and the streets looked much nicer. Still, I couldn’t help the shudder that ran through my body. I could still feel that aggressive civilian’s rotten breath on my face.

Now, we were in front of the gate that would take us out into the abandoned territory of Wall Maria. Stationed behind me on their horses were Gretel and Evan, muttering to each other in hushed whispers. Reggie tried to shush them from his place at my left side, but I shook my head at him. They were nervous—they had to get over it somehow. When we were brand new Scouts, Hanji and I had always whispered to each other before following the other soldiers out of the Walls. It was a coping mechanism.

“Once we make it back here,” I could hear Gretel tell the boy softly, “we’ll be considered true Scouts. Then the higher-ups can’t say anything to us.”

“Still, I’m a little nervous,” Evan whispered back. “I hope we don’t run into any Abnormals. They’re the most dangerous of Titans—you know, next to the Colossal and the Armored Titans.”

 _Oh, so that’s what they’re calling those two?_ I was even more relieved that I hadn’t seen them in person. _But Ben had._

“Yeah, me too. But we’ve trained for this. We can handle it.”

“I hope so…”

“Oh, don’t sound so bummed out! We’ll be fine, I promise.”

On my right side, Levi shot me a glare. “Are you going to tell them to shut up, or should I?” Behind him, and next to Gretel and her horse, Eld winced at his captain’s sharp tone.

I merely rolled my eyes. “Let them be, Levi. They’re not hurting anyone.” When my squad was within earshot, I couldn’t afford to lose my composure around him. I had to act like the adult, and not a kid who was easy to rile up, as he always insisted I was.

Before we knew it, the gate had opened, and Commander Erwin led the charge. When it was our turn to move, I kicked Edel into gear and chased after the soldiers in front of us. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Hanji and her squad keep to the center of the formation behind Erwin. It made sense—her squad was in charge of protecting the wagons behind us.

Meanwhile, I headed for the outer right portion. Despite my protests a few days before, Erwin had insisted that my squad was ready for the real deal. He had evaluated each member over the month, and in his eyes, their skill would be enough to cut many losses in our ranks. I only hoped he didn’t mean to trade their lives for my squad’s.

_No, I can’t think like that. I have a job to do, and so do they. I won’t let them die out here. I won’t!_

Due to the small size of his squad, Erwin had also told me he wanted my team to pair up with Levi and Eld. While the silver-eyed Scout had been indifferent to the idea, it made me feel better knowing someone else would be with me and my squad. At least I wouldn’t be alone to protect the cadets.

Already, I could see Levi moving toward the right of me and my squad. Eld was right at his side, and I couldn’t help the sad smile that etched itself across my face. Even though my top priority was saving my three cadets, I wouldn’t hesitate to help Eld out if he happened to need it. But I had seen him train myself, so the possibility of that happening seemed very unlikely. Levi had chosen well.

The twin saddlebags thumped against my right knee. In one was the flare gun with the assortment of colors, for signal flares and direction changes. The other one had my medical gear, and anything I may need if one of us got hurt. Just looking at it reminded me of Charles, and how he had bled out in front of me.

 _Anna’s still back at the base_. I swallowed hard when I thought of her growing baby bump. It wasn’t that noticeable unless you were looking for it. Despite her changing body, however, she still insisted on staying at the base and helping out wherever she could. She was a constant light that gave the other soldiers hope, especially after the winter months we had gone through.

I shook my head and focused on the clearing in front of me. I couldn’t dwell on that right now. I had a job to do.

The first few minutes went by smoothly. We hadn’t run into any Titans so far, but we were still on guard. With a gulp, I remembered the last time I had rode through here with Edel—the day my brother died. I remembered each tree and rock and river that we passed with a shudder. Even after a year, the memory of his death was strong enough to make me vomit.

“Remember,” I called back to my squad, who was riding behind me, “the objective is to steer clear of any Titans. Do _not_ engage ODM gear unless we tell you.”

I didn’t miss the flash of uneasiness that crossed over Reggie’s face. I understood him—when I had first started going out on expeditions, and my Squad Leader had told me the same thing, my nerves only worsened. One misstep, and I could be lying on the grass in a bloody heap. I had to watch my own back when it came down to it.

Then again, I had to trust my leader. I had to trust the rest of my squad. I wasn’t alone, just like Dad had told me all those years ago, when I was still five and listening to his stories before bedtime. I was _never_ alone out here. These people, these soldiers, were my family, and we would fight to the death to protect each other. As scary as it was, Reggie had to learn that lesson, as did Gretel, Evan, and even Eld.

Suddenly, a red flare exploded from the trees in front of us. A Titan was near. With a nod to Levi, I snatched the flare gun from my bag and clipped on the red smoke signal. I fired it into the air, and the signal was relayed back toward the center of the formation.

I urged Edel to the left, and my squad followed without hesitation. I could see the lumbering beast in the distance—a good nine meters tall with a dopey look on its face. It wasn’t even paying attention to us, but none of us wanted to engage with it anyway. It was better to leave it alone, to pass by like we were never there to begin with.

The next hour or so passed on like this, with both me and Levi relaying signals to the soldiers behind us. The soldiers ahead of us seemed to be faring well, which gave me a rush of relief. Last time, they had all been wiped out, and Levi, Charles, Elias and I were left to fend for ourselves. Thankfully, that didn’t seem to be the case this time.

Even though I couldn’t see their faces, I could tell my cadets were getting antsy. Reggie kept close to my side, his eyes wide and constantly scanning the area. No longer did I hear the voices of Gretel and Evan behind me—they were too scared to make a sound. My chest tightened at the thought of this.

They would have to deal with their fear eventually. But a part of me believed that they just _wanted_ to fight a Titan and get it over with already. I couldn’t blame them.

Suddenly, the soldier in front of us shot out a black flare from his gun. My heart raced—an Abnormal was closing in, and fast, by the way the soldier was circling around.

It came thundering out of the trees before any of us could blink. Crawling on all fours, it sported greasy black hair and wild eyes. Its jaws lunged out and clamped around the soldier, plucking him off his horse and swallowing him whole.

A chilled hand gripped my heart. It was much more feral than usual, just like the Titan that had eaten Flagon’s squad.

“Eld, stay with Wolf and the others.” Levi’s blades were out in a flash, and before I could stop him, he was urging Mischa on toward the Abnormal.

 _Shit, no! Don’t do it!_ There was no doubt he was remembering Isabel and Furlan right now. There was no telling what he would do, or what he could get himself into.

A tall dark shadow crossed over the area Levi had just passed, and another Titan came into the clearing. With its arms swinging wildly, it aimed right for the black-haired Scout. It appeared as though the Abnormal had brought a friend.

Something inside me snapped. It wasn’t just Reggie, Gretel, Evan, and Eld I was protecting today. It was also my duty to guard my fellow Scouts, to be their sword and shield when they had their backs turned. And as much as he pissed me off sometimes, I had to admit, I trusted Levi with my life. He had to trust me with his own.

_I’ll be damned if I let you get eaten by a Titan!_

I whipped around to face Reggie, whose face had gone completely white. “Keep the others away. I’ll regroup as fast as I can.” Without waiting for a reply, I dug my heels deeper into Edel’s side, and the two of us raced toward the Titan.

I retrieved my blades and held them tightly, keeping my eyes trained on the Titan. I couldn’t linger—I had to make this quick. With a grunt, I lifted myself up and out of the saddle, leaning my hands on Edel’s silvery neck. I leapt into the air and shot out my wires, snagging them into the unsuspecting Titan’s neck.

_Good enough. I’ll just have to be fast._

A burst of gas gave me the momentum I needed, and before I knew it, I was swinging myself right up against the Titan’s neck. At the last second, I sliced at the nape, tearing out the chunk of flesh from its body. The monster fell at once, flat on its face. I managed to regain myself in the air and land safely next to its steaming corpse.

I glanced to the side, in time to see the Abnormal falling on the ground, as well. Levi landed on its back, his blades steaming with red Titan blood. His eyes met mine, and he gave me the tiniest of nods. I returned it with a sigh.

_He’s safe. I’m safe. And the cadets are safe._

But I had spoken too soon. Just as Mischa and Edel made it back to us, another lumbering figure came waltzing right out of the forest. It was a shorter one, roughly seven meters tall, but it was dangerous all the same. And it was heading right for my group of cadets.

“Hertz! Move your ass!” I yanked on Edel’s reins and hurriedly mounted him. I wasn’t going to let that bastard get to those kids.

But when I turned back to look at them, one of them had already jumped from their horse. It was Eld, and he was heading straight for its face. As the Titan swung a large meaty hand at him, another figure sped around and tore at the flesh at the back of its neck. The Titan sank to its knees, and the ground beneath us trembled at the impact.

Levi and I rushed over to the cadets, who had circled around to meet with us. Eld was standing near his horse, sheathing his blades, while Gretel stood atop the Titan’s neck, her blades gleaming with blood.

She was out of breath, but she wore a prideful smile on her face. With a soft laugh, she angled one of her swords toward Reggie and Evan, who stared at her wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

“See? I _told_ you guys I would make the first kill!”

As her green eyes met mine, and her goggles shone in the sunlight, I felt my heart swell with pride. She had protected not only her squad, but the rest of the formation, as well. I had known her for only a month, and still, I loved her and her squadmates with all my heart.

“Well done, Mayer.” It was a struggle to keep my voice steady. “You, as well, Jinn. You made a good team.”

Levi nodded from his place beside me. There was a splash of blood on his cheek, but it was already starting to dissolve. “Very impressive. But don’t let your guard down. We’re still in Titan country. We should move out immediately.”

“He’s right. Come on, let’s go!”

|~|

The expedition had taken us to an abandoned castle on the southeastern side of Wall Rose. Due to the frequent encounters with Titans on the far left side of the formation, it took us until sunset to regroup and make it to the castle. Already, a third of our soldiers had been lost. Thankfully, Hanji, Mike, and Ness were still alive.

The abandoned castle had been a tourist site in Wall Maria, shrouded in mystery. I had never been to it myself, but Dad had told me stories of it. Apparently, it had been owned by a noble girl who had wanted to escape her pompous life in Wall Sina. Unfortunately, she had run away from her betrothed, and when he had found out, his desire for revenge grew fiercely. He had tracked her down and killed her in her sleep before killing himself with the same knife.

Now, it was rumored that the souls of the “lovers” were trapped within the walls of the castle. The noble girl was still held as a prisoner by her betrothed, and because she wasn’t allowed to move on to the next life, she was forced to roam the castle halls at night.

Of course, it was all a bunch of crap. No one in the Survey Corps believed that kind of stuff, so they had no reason to worry. Besides, we would gladly deal with a few ghosts than the Titans that prowled the gates outside.

The Scouts had settled in on the ground floor for the night, with a few of the new recruits keeping watch on the balconies above. Thankfully, Titans didn’t move around at night, but still, it didn’t hurt to be cautious.

Once I was sure that Reggie, Gretel, and Evan were settled for the night, I left to join the other Squad Leaders in the last room on the left side of the hall. Erwin and Hanji were already there, poring over the map of Wall Maria on the table between them.

It didn’t take long before the others joined us, and when they did, the six of us hovered over the map. I was between Hanji and Levi, with my elbows brushing up against theirs. Erwin stood on Levi’s other side, with Mike next to him, and Ness right beside him. All of them wore grim expressions on their faces—it must have been hell on the other side of the formation.

“As you know,” Erwin began solemnly, “a third of the relay squads on the left side of the formation were wiped out.” _Cadets, **kids** , no older than the ones in my own squad_. “The majority of Titans seem to be gathered on the far eastern side of Wall Rose, so we must avoid that area at all costs. We no longer have the numbers to scout it out.”

My mind was racing. How did we manage to lose so many recruits? It’s not like we started out with a bunch to begin with. Maybe sixty or so soldiers had left Trost this morning—were there only forty something of us left? If so, we wouldn’t be able to spread out as much as Erwin would like.

“We will continue toward the northeastern quarter of Shiganshina. Depending on what happens tomorrow, we should be able to make it there before the day is done. However, we still don’t have a way of repairing the hole the Colossal Titan left in the gate.”

This was the difference between Erwin and the nobles of the royal government who had directed the civilian operation to retake Wall Maria. They didn’t plan as much as he did; they didn’t think of strategies or solutions to battling against the Titans. They had just rounded up as many soldiers and civilians as they could and sent them out to be slaughtered. And by the hard look in his cold blue eyes, I could tell Erwin was remembering his experiences with those civilians now.

“Hanji, I need you to split your squad and join Dita and the other recruits at the right side. Mike, you will continue to support the formation from the back. We’ll need your skill if something awry happens on either side. Levi and Mia, you will change course and stay at the left side of the formation. Some of the newer recruits will be there, as well, but with your instruction, they should be able to stay calm. They’ve seen enough already.”

I couldn’t argue with that. _Poor babies…_ Although they had known what to expect when they signed up to join the Scouts, it still hurt to know they were terrified to continue with the expedition.

“At least some of the recruits will make it back home,” Ness whispered, hanging his head and squeezing his eyes shut. “The Titans came on so suddenly. They couldn’t even fight back.”

_He must have been on the left side, where most of our soldiers were killed. Oh, God, does that mean Levi and I will have to face them tomorrow? And our squads?_

As Erwin nodded to him, his blue eyes became a bit softer. “And we will make sure their sacrifices were not in vain. Now, you all know your placements. Any questions?” None of us spoke up. “Very well. You’re all dismissed. Inform your squads of any necessary changes. We move out at first light.”

“Sir!”

|~|

My three cadets had curled up beside each other in one of the spare rooms on the ground floor, along with Hanji’s squad. Eld was with them, lying on his side and silently keeping watch over the other recruits. Gretel was snoring loudly, Evan had his arm tucked under his head, and Reggie laid on his back, with his arm draped across his eyes.

None of them had been pleased with the new changes, and I couldn’t blame them in the slightest. I didn’t want to move toward the most dangerous part of the formation myself, even if I knew I was considered one of our best Scouts. One wrong move, and I could end up in a Titan’s stomach, chewed up just like my brother. The same could happen to Levi—if he turned his back at the wrong moment, a Titan could scoop him up, and he would be done for.

Currently, I was watching them from the far corner of the room. Hanji was fast asleep beside me, and Levi was sitting next to me on my other side, his back pressing against the wall. I had my jacket folded on the floor next to me, to serve as a makeshift pillow, but I couldn’t fall asleep. Even as I laid down to catch a few hours, my eyes would not stay closed.

“They’ll be fine,” Levi hissed to me, slanting his eyes in my direction. Apart from Eld, who was slowly drifting off to sleep himself, we were the only ones awake in the room. Mike and Ness were in the next room with their squads and the Commander.

I shifted my weight onto my other side, so my back was facing him. “Anything can happen out there.” I shuddered as Rosalie’s outstretched fingers, caked with blood from her stomach, flashed in my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut as I remembered Emmett’s final words: a plea for me to help him and his squadmate. A plea to not let him die. A plea to let him return to his family in Karanes District.

I didn’t want to see Reggie or Evan in his place. I didn’t want to see Gretel reaching out for me from a Titan’s mouth as its teeth clamped down, silencing her forever.

My shoulders tensed as I felt Levi’s hand brush over the side of my face. As he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, he whispered, “We just have to act fast. We can’t let any of those bastards reach them.”

He was right. I couldn’t wallow away in the pain of the past. I had to focus on the present, to make sure my current squad didn’t end up like my first one—or my second one. I would protect those kids, no matter the cost.

“I hope you’re right.” Tucking my arm underneath my jacket, I closed my eyes and prayed for sleep to overtake me. Still, even as I teetered on the edge of unconsciousness, I could still feel his fingers dancing along the skin of my cheek.

|~|

“Titans at the front! Titans at the front!”

My eyes shot open at the panicked voice. Just as I sat up in my makeshift bed, I heard a bloodcurdling scream—and then, silence.

Hanji was up before me, snapping her goggles back onto her face. “Titans? Already? It’s barely dawn!”

_Wait, what? Titans at the front of the castle? Have they surrounded us?_

As the rest of the Scouts in the room began to stir awake, Mike burst into the room, slamming the door against the wall. “Titans have swarmed the front of the castle! Gear up and head for the stables! Avoid contact at all costs—only engage ODM gear if absolutely necessary!”

By now, I was on my feet and pulling my jacket back on. My harness and straps were already secure, so I didn’t have to worry about that. I reached for the ODM gear laying on the side and struggled to get it on. Hanji and Levi did the same, and once we were done, the recruits rushed out of the room.

Commander Erwin was already standing in the hall, surrounded by the other squads. He didn’t waste a second to give us orders: “All recruits, head for the stables and make way for the hill to the south! Squad Leaders, take out any Titans that pose an unavoidable threat! Hanji, Dita—protect the wagons and supplies. Mike, Mia, Levi—aim for the Titans closest to the stables. Move out!”

“Yes, sir!”

I managed to catch a quick glimpse of my squad’s terrified faces before racing down the hall toward the exit. Levi and Mike were right behind me, and the three of us began to scale the stairs at the end of the hall. We needed a bit of momentum if we were to take out the surrounding Titans.

When we reached the balcony on the upper floor, and we peeked down at the sight below, my mouth ran dry. Six Titans, ranging from seven to ten meters tall, were gathered along the front of the abandoned castle. There were three more near the stables, all of them roughly nine meters tall, and in the distance, there were at least five more heading toward us. Thankfully, none of them seemed to be Abnormals, but that didn’t make them any less of a threat.

“Don’t stand and stare, Wolf,” Levi grumbled, ripping his blades out from the boxes on his thighs. “Move!”

He was the first to drop down and head for the stables, his wires digging into the castle walls before us. Mike was quick to follow, and once he was down, I did the same. The stables were close by, but we had to move carefully. At any moment, one of these Titans could launch out and attack us. I had seen soldiers lose legs and their entire lower halves thanks to jumping Titans—Isabel and Flagon being the most prominent.

As Levi slashed at the Titan closest to the stables, I could see the recruits heading for the horses inside. Edel and Mischa were among them, but I knew our cadets would take them with them. All cadets were instructed to look out for their horses as though they were fellow soldiers. Before we had headed out on this expedition, Reggie had agreed to recover Edel if I was out of commission, and Eld had agreed to recover Mischa for Levi.

My wires jammed into the next Titan, and I swung myself up and around the back of its neck. A scream tore my throat as I slashed my blades along its nape, destroying the chunk of flesh and bringing the beast down. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Mike bring down the third Titan with ease, and he stood atop of it as the monster fell to its knees.

“Look alive,” he called to me and Levi, motioning to the distance. “More are coming.”

Unfortunately, the six Titans gathered at the entrance of the castle had noticed us, and now they were drawn to the apparent increase of body heat near the stables. They didn’t hesitate to lumber forward, with their arms outstretched and their fingers curled around the air in front of them.

_Shit! At this rate, they’ll make a break for the recruits. There’s no telling how many of them they could take out._

I snagged my wire back into the castle wall and surged forward. It was a risky move, but if it meant keeping those recruits alive, I was more than willing to take it. Thankfully, the nearest Titan noticed me immediately, and it swung its arm at me. I dodged it nimbly, swinging myself around and across its throat. Reeling my wires back, I lodged myself onto the back of its neck and ripped out the flesh at the base of its nape.

_I can do this, one by one, and make sure they don’t get anywhere near those kids._

But before I could move onto the next Titan, Levi took care of it first. Meanwhile, Mike was on the ground, already on his horse, directing the recruits out of the stables. I could see him lead his own squad, which was quite skilled in its own right, toward the Titans in the distance. Better to take care of them now rather than later, I guess.

Suddenly, the four remaining Titans behind us began to sprint toward the stables. My wires shot out into the nearest one and I brought it down with a quick slice to the nape; I could see Levi do the same next to me. However, we couldn’t stop the last two from storming the stables.

_Oh God, no!_

The beasts came down hard on the stables—and the unsuspecting recruits and horses inside. The wooden roof above them caved in underneath the Titans’ fists. Frightened screams and shrill whinnies exploded in the air, and blood streaks began spraying into the air.

“Fuck!” Fury boiled underneath my skin as I gripped my blades tightly. _Those bastards! They may act brainless, but they know exactly when and where to strike us!_

I shot my wires into the Titan hanging its ugly head over the fresh hole it had made in the wooden roof. I couldn’t take it out now—if I did, it would just fall right on top of the stables, killing the rest of the soldiers and horses inside. I had to draw them away first, and then—

“Levi, take them out! I’ll drawn them away from the stables!”

“Right!”

I swung myself right between the Titans’ heads and spun around to face them. They were both eight meters tall—I could tell by the way their bodies were stretched out along the remains of the stables. And now, both of them had their eyes glued onto me, and one of them even reached out to me.

“That’s it, you bastards!” I backed away from them, still hanging in the air. “Come and get me! I’m right here!”

Luckily, the Titans didn’t wait too long to come after me. Now that their main meal was harder to reach, a tiny human dangling in front of their faces was a welcome sight. With a glance over my shoulder, I lodged my wires into the wall behind me and surged backwards.

“Yeah, come over here, guys!” My boots touched the stone wall. Now, I was cornered by the two monsters. Levi was free to make his move. “Fresh meat!”

And just like that, a gush of blood sprayed from both of their napes, and they fell flat on their faces. Levi landed right beside me on the wall, with the blade in his left hand facing backwards. The blood on his face and neck was already starting to evaporate.

“That’s most of them. Erwin and the others should already be out with the wagons.”

“And what about the recruits?” My voice was tight and thick. I could only hope that my squad wasn’t among the dead cadets underneath the stable roof. “I’m going back for them—maybe there are survivors.”

Before he could protest, I leapt off the wall and headed down to the crushed-in stable. Blood spattered the area around it, and numerous arms and legs jutted out from the collapsed half of the structure. I winced as my eyes fell on a young girl, no younger than sixteen, lying dead on the ground with a bloody gash on her forehead.

I counted at least ten dead. How many of them had been mine? Had Eld made it out alive? Had Reggie and the others? And what about Edel and Mischa?

“Captain!”

Just as Levi brought himself down to my side, I gazed up to the hill straight ahead. Two riders were surging toward us, each of them leading an extra horse. One silver, one black—Mischa and Edel. I let out a breath of relief when I realized the ones leading them were Eld and Reggie.

The second they reached us, I sheathed my blades and swung myself up into the saddle. Edel cooed as I ran my fingers up his neck. Thank God you’re safe, boy.

“What about Mayer and Brose? Where are they?”

“Waiting back at the hill,” Reggie answered. Although his voice was steady, I could see the lingering fear in his eyes. “Squad Leader Mike told us to hang back with the others—but…there aren’t many of us left…”

As if on cue, a blue streak of smoke lifted up in the air from the hill above. Blue signaled the order to retreat. Apparently, we had suffered too many casualties—both from the attack on the stables and in the distance against the oncoming Titans—to continue with the expedition.

My chest tightened. My squad was fine. Levi’s squad was fine. We would be able to return to our base tonight. But the same couldn’t be said for the numerous cadets buried underneath the crumpled stable behind us.

As his eyes trailed over to the bodies, Reggie squeezed his eyes shut. I wanted to cradle him in my arms so badly, to tell him that it was okay to cry. Hell, I had done the same on my first expedition. But I couldn’t do that here, at least. I couldn’t coddle them forever.

“Let’s move.” With a flap of Edel’s reins, I lead the way back to the hill, where Erwin was waiting for us on his white horse.

|~|

The twenty of us that were left made it back around noon, and the moment we stepped through the gates of Trost, the whispers began. Civilians all around us began huddling together to share the latest gossip about the Scouts, and how they could possibly be back after only a day beyond the Walls. Our shortened numbers didn’t go unnoticed, either.

I walked beside Gretel and Reggie, leading Edel behind me. Evan was on Reggie’s other side, with Eld right next to him. While the two eldest cadets kept their eyes down, Gretel and Evan were another story. The pride of killing a Titan from the previous day had all but vanished from the poor girl’s face, and the mousy boy looked as though he may start vomiting at any moment. I didn’t have to ask them to know: they had been first-hand witnesses to the slaughter at the stables.

I could deal with a traumatized squad. I had done it myself, and although it would take some time, they would come to understand that this was their lives now. They had gone beyond the Walls, and they couldn’t go back now. Eventually, they would look forward to stepping outside them again, eager to exact their revenge on the Titans that had killed their fellow soldiers. I had been the same way.

 _I’ll talk to them later, once we get back to base_. I snuck a glance at Levi, and the moment his gray eyes met mine, I knew he would do the same. The two of us nodded, and we continued our silent trek all the way back to base with the rest of the Scouts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not so heartless that I'll kill Mia's new squad right off the bat. I don't want them to be throwaway characters; they deserve their chance in the spotlight. They'll be sticking around for a long time, so you guys should get used to them. :) 
> 
> I really don't have that much to say about this chapter. Like I said, I think it's a stepping stone, but a necessary one for the story to progress. Not every single chapter can be a blast to write, but I try my best to make it fun. I hope you guys enjoyed, and I'll see you in a bit for the next one! :)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post this chapter earlier in the day, but I couldn't find the time to do it. But now it's up and done with, and in my opinion, it's an improvement over the last chapter. It jumps around a little bit, but it kind of has to. The road to Mitras is a tiring one...
> 
> And we're back with the fluff! Expect quite a bit of it in the next couple of chapters ;) I hope you guys enjoy!

|XXIV|

About three days after the expedition, Erwin had called the Squad Leaders into a meeting. Our scheduled trip to Mitras had been bumped up a few days, and now, we were required to leave for the capital on the following day. As usual, we would ride to Wall Sina on horseback and then take a carriage from Ehrmich to Mitras. I hated the idea, but I could deal with it for a few days. Hopefully this trip wouldn’t take too long.

However, the nobles in charge of the meeting weren’t interested in seeing many of the Scouts. They only required six of us to attend: Erwin, Mike, Ness, Hanji, Levi, and myself. Apparently, because we were the most recently appointed Squad Leaders, the nobles wanted to evaluate me and Levi themselves.

“I know none of you are particularly fond of traveling to the capital,” Erwin admitted with a hint of a smile on his face. His eyes trailed over to me and Hanji as the two of us grimaced at the same time. “However, it cannot be helped. We may have to make some drastic negotiations with the nobles of the royal government. Some of them are starting to consider defunding the Survey Corps as a whole.”

This was nothing new—unless the royal government saw something in it for them, as seen with the failed civilian operation, they were always hesitant to donate money to our cause. Their way of thinking matched the nobles’ almost perfectly: they preferred to cower behind the inner Walls and let others do their fighting for them. They didn’t show interest in fighting the Titans or exploring the outside world for themselves. We were nothing more than a burden for them.

“We leave at first light tomorrow. You’re all dismissed.”

As soon as I could, I raced back to my office to pack for the trip. At the very least, we would have to spend two days in the capital. Two days of sucking up to the rich imbeciles who believed money could solve any problem in the world. They were in charge of directing the funds the Survey Corps needed in order to keep the expeditions going. We were used to pandering to them a little bit, but now that we only had twenty or so Scouts left after the last expedition, we were on thin ice. Every time we asked for more money, it became harder and harder to persuade them.

Erwin was a confident speaker, and he was a master at negotiations. He could definitely sweet talk a few idiotic nobles into donating for the Scouts’ cause, as he always did. However, that wasn’t the main issue that worried me. It was the fact they wanted to meet me and Levi personally. I was not ready for an interrogation by a group of pompous pricks who thought we were lower than dirt.

But at least there was a light at the end of this tunnel: I would get to see Leyna again.

I still hadn’t seen my sister since last year, and I hadn’t talked to her since Ma had passed away. I was eager to feel her arms around me, to hear her heartbeat against my ear. I had to know she was alive, even if she was in the safest place right now. I was going crazy without her—but I could never admit that to her face. It would only inflate her ego.

Once I reached my office and shut the door behind me, I grabbed my small brown backpack and began filling it with the necessary supplies. An extra uniform, a change of civilian clothes, any HBA products I would need, and so on. I rolled my eyes as my hand brushed against the back pocket, where the special pills were stashed. I didn’t even know why I still had them.

The last thing I packed was my father’s leather journal. As much as I wanted to read through it tonight, I was scared I would forget to bring it tomorrow morning. It was better to have it packed away before then.

As I placed the backpack next to my desk, I caught sight of _Unearthly Things_ resting next to the stack of paperwork. A small slip of paper was sticking out of the pages, marking the page Levi and I had last left off on. We were only four chapters through—we didn’t read out loud too much anymore, since he was already confident in his skills (and I was, too). We focused more on his handwriting, which grew neater and neater every day. Sometimes I offered to help him fill out his own paperwork, as he was slowly getting used to the workload. Those nights ended with me falling asleep either at his desk or on my sofa, depending on whose office we met up in.

I hated to admit it, but I was starting to enjoy the novel much more than I did when I first read it at eighteen years old. Maybe it was because I was a few years older now, or that I had a partner to read it with, but I was starting to appreciate the story a bit more. The protagonist was much more engaging than I remembered, and the writing was very clear and almost lyrical. I guess it had to be, since it was a romance novel.

I picked up the book and weighed it in my hands. The cover was worn, and the pages were slightly torn, but other than that it was in fine condition. I almost wanted to read more tonight—but I didn’t want to do so without Levi reading along with me.

_Maybe I can convince him to do it when we meet up later…_

|~|

As usual, Levi and I stayed at our regular table at dinner. Hanji kept throwing me smirks and winks from her spot at the center table, which she shared with Mike, Ness, and Erwin. I did my best to ignore her, but she was persistent.

“What’s her problem?” Levi’s voice made me jump. He wasn’t usually that talkative during dinner, so it was a surprise to hear him tonight. “She keeps giving you weird looks. It’s creepy as hell, if you ask me.”

I swallowed hard. How could I explain it to him? That Hanji was giving me “the look” because she was convinced we were more than friends at this point? No thank you. I’d rather face a whole field of Titans before I admitted that to his face.

“Beats me,” I shrugged, shoving another spoonful of stew into my mouth. “She gets like that sometimes. I stopped trying to figure her out a long time ago.”

A few more minutes passed, and a comfortable silence began to settle over us. As I sipped the mug of water near my plate, I began thinking of our trip to Mitras tomorrow. I hadn’t been there in almost two years, now that I thought about it. In fact, the last time I had stepped foot into the capital was the same day I accompanied Erwin, Mike, and Charles to the Underground City, when we recovered Levi, Furlan, and Isabel. That had been Levi’s last day in Mitras, as well.

 _I wonder if he still remembers it._ Of course, he hadn’t really lived in the capital, he had lived in the city underneath it. That was much different than growing up in the lap of luxury for the longest time.

With a tight swallow, I forced myself to bite back the questions that lingered on my lips. Did he remember what Mitras looked like on the day he and his friends joined the Scouts? Apart from that day, had he ever stepped foot above ground? What did he think of the nobles we were going to have to face tomorrow? I wanted to ask these and so many more, but this wasn’t the time or the place. I could ask him later, when we were either in my office or his.

_That reminds me…_

“So, are we meeting up at all tonight? I don’t think it’s the best time for training, so…do you want to work on your handwriting tonight? Or…” A blush began to settle on my cheeks. “…If you don’t want to do that…we could always…just hang out…”

I couldn’t even bring myself to meet his eyes. _Why did I just say that?!_ Was I really _that_ desperate for his company that I couldn’t even come up with a better excuse to spend time with him? By the Walls, I was getting more pathetic by the day, wasn’t I?

He set his cup down on the table between us, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see him shifting his weight in his seat. But I kept my eyes away from his—I didn’t want to see the disappointment in them.

I was so stupid. He would never agree to something like that! We met with each other after hours for work-related business—an exchange, if you would. He helped me out with my ODM skills, and in return, I guided him on making his handwriting neater. It was a joint effort built on business alone. He didn’t have time to “hang out”—especially with a brat four years younger than him who couldn’t even keep a straight face when she was talking to him.

My cheeks felt like they would burn themselves right off my face. “N-n-never mind…it w-was stupid—”

“Hey, Mia!”

I squeaked as Hanji appeared at my side, throwing an arm around my shoulders. She pressed her cheek to mine, the messy brown strands from her ponytail brushing against my cheek. They were starting to get greasy again—even though she hated it, she was going to have to bathe before leaving for Mitras tomorrow morning. It tended to slip her mind, since she got so caught up in training and research. I couldn’t understand how she didn’t feel the need to bathe after even one day, maybe two at the max.

“What is it, Han?” _Please, don’t embarrass me in front of him anymore than I already have!_

“When are you two lovebirds joining us at the Squad Leader table? Mike and I were wondering.”

_Damn it, Hanji!_

“None of your business, shitty glasses.” Through my blush, I rolled my eyes at Levi’s insult. “When we feel like it, how about that?”

“Oh, come on!” She was practically whining at this point. “It’s no fun without you guys! They don’t bite, I promise!”

Eager to change the subject, I raised my hand and combed it through Hanji’s unkempt brown locks. I grimaced as the greasy feeling only worsened the deeper I dug into them. “Hanji, go shower or something. We need to look presentable to the nobles tomorrow. We actually _want_ them to keep the Survey Corps in operation, right?”

“Yeah, of course, but they’re not going to zero in on appearances alone.”

“You know damn well they do—they’re assholes like that.” They were so damn picky about what stepped into their golden meeting room, and they would throw a hissy fit if something didn’t meet their own personal standards. Trust me, I knew from personal experience. “Now go shower.”

But she continued to brush me off. “Oh, stop it. I’ll be fine!”

“When was the last time you even showered, Hanji?!”

My heart dropped as I was met with silence. As far as I knew, her personal record was going an entire week without bathing, and that was because she had been stuck in her office doing some research connected to the Titans. Rosalie and I had to literally drag her into the bathroom in her office and force her to shower. I had locked myself in the bathroom with her, and Rosalie had stood outside the door, making sure that she couldn’t leave if she managed to overpower me. Neither of us had let up, and eventually, Hanji had caved in and taken a much-needed shower.

As much as I loved my best friend, I couldn’t defend _all_ her flaws.

“You heard her,” Levi growled, leaning forward in his seat. “It’s disgusting. I’m starting to smell you from over here.”

She waved a hand and yanked her arm away from my shoulders. “Oh, no you can’t, come off it. I’ll be fine.” Before either of us could protest, she made a break for the exit, leaving us in a stunned silence.

As I watched her disappear out the wooden door, I heaved out a sigh. I guess I knew what I was going to be doing tonight… _I guess I can say goodbye to my plans with Levi._

And then, another idea popped into my head. With a small smile, I turned to the black-haired Scout across from me. “Hey, do you mind helping me with a favor?”

“If it’ll get her to clean herself, I’m in.”

_That’s good to know._

|~|

If there was one thing that could lure Hanji out of her office, it was the promise of more research materials. After the Scouts had retired for the night, I went to her office and knocked on her door. The moment she answered, I told her about an extra crate that had been stored in the back closet of my bedroom. There were a few dusty books in there, and I needed her to see if she was interested in any of them. I made sure to emphasize the fact there were Titan-centered books in there, as well.

She agreed instantly. While there was no doubt she was one of our smartest soldiers, she could definitely be a bit clueless sometimes, especially when it came to Titans.

The moment she stepped outside of her office and closed the door behind her, we began walking down the hall toward my own office. The plan was to have me corner her in my office, and while Levi stood on guard outside the door (just like Rosalie used to do), I would trap Hanji in the bathroom and force her to shower. I know she hated doing it—hated it with a burning passion—but it had to be done. I wouldn’t let those high-and-mighty nobles in the capital scrutinize her for her appearance, like they had done to me so many times before.

It didn’t take long for the two of us to reach my office—we were in the same hallway, after all. Once the door was shut behind me, I started leading the way to the bathroom. However, a sudden _thump_ on the floor urged me to turn around. My jaw dropped as I saw Hanji, sprawled out face-first on the hard wooden floor, obviously passed out, with Levi standing over her.

 _Did…did he just knock her out?!_ “What the fuck was that?!” _We had a plan, damn it!_ I knew he didn’t like taking orders, but holy shit!

He only stared at me with a bored expression as I dropped down to my friend on the floor. Luckily, she was still breathing. “Relax, I didn’t hit her hard. It’s just easier this way.”

“How is this easier?!” I shot him my fiercest glare as I threw Hanji’s arm around my shoulder and hoisted her up. Easier said than done—she was pretty heavy.

“At least now she won’t fight back. Just get her cleaned up and put her to bed.”

I guess he means my bed. There’s no way I can make it back to her office without drawing suspicion. I rolled my eyes and grunted as I pulled her up. Thankfully, he seemed to take the hint, and he supported her on her other side. With Hanji now secure in our arms, we made it to the bathroom.

Luckily, there was a small basin next to the shower, in case I wanted to take a bath. I figured that would be easier, since I didn’t want to keep Hanji upright underneath the water spray. But now I had to worry about keeping her head afloat. I couldn’t fill the tub with too much water.

“Can you fill the tub? Make sure the water’s warm. I’ll start getting her ready.”

He nodded and set to work, checking the water’s temperature. Meanwhile, I sat Hanji against the door and started taking off her jacket and boots. I made sure to be extra careful while removing her goggles, and I set them on the counter near the sink. She groaned softly as I released her hair from the elastic band she always wore.

“Shh, it’s alright.” I kept my voice soft; the last thing I wanted to do was startle her. “Go back to sleep. I’ll tuck you into bed as soon as we’re done.” She was too tired to protest, so she simply nodded and fell back asleep. I smiled at her relaxed face, brushing her bangs out of her eyes.

I waited until Levi was finished filling the basin before turning to the rest of her clothes. “I got this, don’t worry. I’ll tuck her in once we’re done. You can go, if you want.”

The truth was, I really _didn’t_ want him to go. While I didn’t want him in here as I struggled to bathe an unconscious Hanji (it would be too awkward), I enjoyed his company. But I couldn’t say that out loud. I didn’t need to embarrass myself further.

He grunted and left the bathroom at once. As soon as the door closed behind him, I sighed softly. But I couldn’t think of him now. Hanji still needed me.

Once her shirt, pants, and underwear were removed, I sat her down in the basin as gently as I could. I wasn’t flustered over seeing her undressed anymore—we had both walked in on each other in the middle of changing clothes countless times, and the showers in the girls’ barracks weren’t exactly discreet. Sometimes the girls were forced to shower with their backs turned to the other girls. That’s just how it was—none of us had anything to hide at this point.

It took me a while to scrub out the grease in her hair and rinse all the soap out—she had _really_ thick hair—but it kept me busy. I didn’t mind the water that splashed onto my shirt, or the soap bubbles that gathered on my arms just below my rolled-up sleeves. All I was concerned with was cleaning up Hanji and making sure she made it to bed.

_I still can’t believe Levi knocked her out. I mean, the nerve of that jerk! I know Hanji’s hyper, but even she doesn’t deserve that!_

I rolled my eyes again at the thought of Levi and his drastic actions. I seriously had to talk to him about this. No way was he getting off scot free for knocking out my best friend of thirteen years.

Once Hanji was all clean, I let the water drain out of the tub and pulled her out onto the floor. I wrapped her up in the two white towels on the shelf and left her leaning against the wall. As quietly as I could, I slipped out of the bathroom and into my bedroom. I grabbed a fresh pair of underwear and a spare shirt for her to sleep in. There was no way _anyone_ , best friend or not, was going to sleep in my bed naked.

When she was all dressed, I brushed out her hair and laid her down in my bed. I pulled the sheets up to her neck and smiled as she buried her face into the pillows. I pressed a kiss to her clean cheek. “Sweet dreams, Hanji.” My only answer was a sleepy groan.

_Now that she’s taken care of, I better go set up the couch. I need to get to bed._

After removing the harness and straps of my outfit, I peeled off my wet shirt, leaving me in just my white tank top and white pants. I spread it out on the windowsill to let it dry before kicking off my boots and propping them up against my bed. I grabbed Hanji’s clothes from the bathroom and placed them at the foot of my bed. If she wanted, she could change back into them the next morning.

I stepped out of the bedroom and closed the door behind me—and bit back a squeak when I saw Levi standing near the bookshelf next to my desk, gazing at the volumes on the shelves. He had stayed. Even though I had given him the okay to leave, he had chosen to stay. It was hard to ignore the fuzzy feeling in my chest when I realized this.

Those stunning gray eyes met mine; I fought back a blush when I realized I was only in a tank top and a tight bra. “How is she?”

“She won’t be happy in the morning, but at least she’s clean. What are you still doing here? I thought you wanted to turn in early or something.”

“You wanted to ‘hang out,’ didn’t you?”

I couldn’t stop the shy smile that stretched along my face. So, I had an answer for my question from earlier. “Okay, let’s hang out. What do you want to do?”

He leaned against the wall next to the bookcase, crossing his arms over his chest. “What did you have in mind?” he asked with a faint smirk.

“…I was thinking of reading a bit more of _Unearthly Things_ , if you’re interested.”

A breathless laugh escaped his lips. “Of course you do. You seem like you’re a romantic at heart.”

What was I supposed to do with that information? “I don’t think so…” I didn’t really want to talk about romance with him. I still wasn’t sure about my own feelings for him, or whether or not I actually liked him more than I should.

The smirk stayed on his face, and a blush began to scorch my cheeks. Clearing my throat, I moved over to my desk and grabbed the novel. I could feel Levi’s eyes on me, even as I walked over to the sofa and propped up one of the twin pillows resting against the arm. Evan and I had found some while taking a trip to Karanes District a week ago, and I had to admit, the boy had an excellent taste for decor.

When I was settled on the sofa, leaning against the right arm with a pillow between us, Levi followed me and took the cushion beside me. There was a small space between us, but he fixed that almost immediately. As soon as I opened the book to our current page, he inched closer to me—so close that I could feel his body heat radiating against mine. His thigh brushed against mine, and his breath fanned along my bare shoulder.

 _Does he really expect me to read like this? He’s so distracting!_ But those slanted gray eyes gave me all the information I needed. _Apparently he does._

“What are you waiting for, Wolf? Start reading.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned to the page in front of me. But as I continued to read, I could still feel his eyes on me instead of the novel.

|~|

I woke up about an hour before dawn, with my head resting on Levi’s shoulder and the book opened on my lap. I had been a blushing mess, but Levi didn’t seem to mind. Thankfully, he didn’t tease me as much as I thought he would. He simply told me he would see me soon, and he left my office after a few minutes. I was grateful he wouldn’t be in here by the time Hanji woke up. I already had enough to worry about.

At first light, and after a quick breakfast in the mess hall, Erwin led the journey to Wall Sina. Mike and Ness were at his side in the front, while I was toward the back, in between Levi and Hanji (who was still a little angry at me and Levi for forcibly bathing her). The six of us were quiet on the way to the capital, which I was thankful for. It was too early for me to talk coherently, anyway.

Edel was excited today—he kept trying to inch pass the soldiers in front of us, with his head held high. In fact, the only ones who were looking forward to visiting Wall Sina were the horses. They would be kept in the comfortable stables on the outer edge of Ehrmich District, and when we were ready to leave the capital, we would stop by and pick them up on our way.

As the sun began to lift up from the horizon, I found myself thinking of my cadets back at the base. After we came back from the expedition a few days ago, I had let them take a short break from training. They needed it, especially after seeing their fellow recruits get butchered by the Titans at the abandoned castle. I couldn’t just push them back into training after something like that.

Hopefully they would recover soon, though. I could tend to their needs and help them out, but I couldn’t spoil them too much. I didn’t want them getting all soft on me.

It took roughly an hour to reach Ehrmich District, and when we did, the sun was already beating down on our backs. It was the midst of summer, unfortunately, so the days were growing hotter. If I had to guess, it would be another muggy night tonight.

When we arrived at the stables, the workers were already waiting for us. However, no one but me was going to tuck my boy in his stall. With their approval, I led Edel to the last stall on the left; Levi directed Mischa to the one right next to him. I smiled when I saw a tiny groove that had been carved out in the wooden divider between the stalls. At least now, Edel and Mischa knew they were near each other.

Just as I suspected, the moment I slipped his bridle off, Edel ran to the groove and nudged his nose through. A second later, Mischa’s snout touched his, and Edel’s tail flicked happily.

“See? You’ll be fine, as long as you have your girlfriend with you.” I made sure to keep my voice low; I didn’t need Levi hearing that I thought of our horses as a couple. It wouldn’t help the rumors spreading around, even if there were any.

There probably were, if I knew Hanji.

Once his saddle and bridle were hung up outside the stall, I stood on my tiptoes and pressed a kiss to the silvery gelding’s cheek. He let out a soft grunt and rubbed his face against my shoulder. He always seemed to know when I was leaving him behind, and he hated every second of it. I did, too—Edel was part of my family at this point, and I hated leaving my family alone. But there were some things that just couldn’t be helped, and we were forced to face them at some point.

“I’ll miss you, boy. But we’ll be back soon.”

|~|

The carriage ride to Mitras was just as boring as it always had been. The six of us had been squished into one tiny car, and as I was practically pinned between Levi and the window on my right, I was reminded of the first carriage ride I had shared with him. I had caught Isabel staring out the window, gazing up at the sky. It was the first time I had actually seen her as a child, too innocent and pure for this hellish world.

I wondered if Levi ever saw her as the same. He probably did, judging by the way she spoke so highly of him. He had been the one to give her that golden necklace, anyway. My heart clenched at the memory. Did he still have it? Did he keep it with him, just like I did with my wolf necklace, and more recently my father’s old journal?

If so, I wouldn’t be surprised. They were the last things we had left of the ones we loved.

I struggled to shift in my seat, but I couldn’t move very much. My right side was cold from the window and the wall of the carriage, and my left side was burning up, thanks to Levi’s warmth. And it wasn’t helping that my backpack was digging into my back, being squished against the seat and all. My face burned as his knee touched mine, his hand resting on the edge. He was so close to my own leg. If he happened to reach over—

I groaned inwardly. _This_ was why I hated carriage rides. They were so cramped I could hardly breathe.

Eventually, the buildings around us became much more…extravagant. We were closing in on the capital. I peeked out the window just in time to see the walls surrounding the main castle in the near distance. Members of the Military Police were gathered around, standing guard outside the gates. Their shotguns were either strapped on their backs or resting in their arms.

I swallowed hard as we neared the castle gates. Inside, there were countless nobles we had to pander to. The future of the Survey Corps rested in Erwin’s hands, as well as mine and Levi’s. As much as I hated it, we had to be on our best behavior. We couldn’t act out or talk back to the nobles. We had to cater to them, proving to them that we were, indeed, useful.

Money was the bloodstream of any branch in the military, unfortunately. Without it to pay for the necessary supplies for our expeditions and new recruits (or what was left of them anyway), we were rendered useless.

I shook my head and focused on that light I promised myself. _At least I’ll see Leyna soon_. I was in dire need of a hug from my sister, especially after all that had happened in the past few months. And although she wasn’t the most physically intimate person, I was sure she needed one, too.

|~|

“Welcome back to Mitras,” the MP at the castle gates greeted us. She was a younger woman, with black hair and pretty brown eyes. I could tell she was new—no one at the capital addressed us with such kindness. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Commander. I’ve heard so much about you.”

Erwin didn’t hesitate to grasp her outstretched hand in his own. He gave her a warm smile, which she returned with a light pink color dusting her cheeks. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, as well. It’s not every day we see a smiling face among the Military Police.”

Her blush grew even more, and I realized with a jolt that she was probably around the same age as Gretel. Was she part of the 100th Training Corps? Did she know Gretel? Had they been friends? Did she know Reggie and Evan? My head swam with all the possible answers.

“The conference won’t start for another hour or so, I’m afraid. But I can take you to your rooms now, if you’d like.”

“We would appreciate that. It’s been quite a journey from Wall Rose.”

She nodded and motioned us to follow her inside. As I stepped into the cold, polished hallways of the castle, I felt my stomach drop. This wasn’t my first time visiting the castle, but it never failed to amaze me.

The castle had seven floors in total, which were stretched out along the center square of the city. A long tower had been constructed in the center of it all, which served as the location of the king’s quarters and the main conference rooms. I had been there too many times, unfortunately, but I didn’t know it as well as my sister did. She _was_ part of the King’s Guard, after all.

The walls had been painted a lovely white color, and the floors sparkled with bronze tiles. As far as I could see, a red carpet covered the middle section of the floor, leading out into the hallways beyond. On the walls were numerous portraits of the king and those who had come before him. I had never been one to take an interest in history, but I had to admit, they were nice to look at sometimes.

The young girl led us down the hall closest to the right and up the stairs, taking us to the second floor. It had been used for visitors of the capital for years, especially those in the military. The last time we had been here, Hanji and I had shared one of the comfy rooms. I wondered if they would put us together this time.

“My superior officer told me you were used to it by now, since you’ve all been here before. So, these three rooms will be yours: the first two are for the men, and the third one is for the girls. Officer Wolf said there would be six, so she divided you up into thirds.”

 _Wait, Officer Wolf?_ That was Leyna! But I held my tongue. I could ask my questions later, once she was done.

“We’re grateful for your help,” Erwin spoke up. By now, his voice had lost some of that warmth, since the meeting was drawing closer, but his eyes were still soft. “If you don’t mind me asking, who is your superior?”

The black-haired girl stiffened before saluting respectfully. “My superior is Officer Wolf, Fourth Blade of the King’s Guard. I’m Monika Corrette, reporting for duty.”

 _So she’s one of Leyna’s subordinates? I can’t believe it!_ _How can someone this sweet stand to work with my sister?_ As much as I loved her, Leyna was _not_ the easiest person to spend time with. I couldn’t imagine working with her every single day.

“Officer Wolf is my sister.” I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. I _had_ to see her now. “Do you know where she is?”

I could feel Levi’s eyes on me, and when I stole a glance at him, I wasn’t surprised to see his eyebrows knitted together. I had mentioned to him that I had a sister, but I don’t think I told him she was an MP. No wonder he was giving me such a side eye.

Monika gasped as her eyes fell on me. “Of course! I believe she’s in a meeting right now…so I don’t think she’ll be free for a while…”

I simply smiled and brushed her frown off. “It’s quite alright. We’re here for a couple days anyway, I’m sure I’ll get to see her.”

But deep down, I was a little hurt. I would have to wait just a little longer to see my sister—one of the only two other Wolf family members left in the world. Turning that thought over in my mind sent shivers up my arms and legs. We used to be such a proud family. What happened to us in the last few years?

When Monika left, the rooms were decided. Obviously, I was staying with Hanji in the room further down the hall. Mike and Ness would share the second room, and Levi and Erwin would stay in the third. It made sense, since they seemed to share an unspoken bond with each other. Every time I stopped by Erwin’s office to drop off papers or discuss training methods for my squad, Levi always seemed to be in there. What they could be talking about was beyond me.

Although, I had to admit, it was a little weird seeing them so comfortable together now. I still remembered the way Levi had lunged for Erwin on that fateful day in 844, when Isabel and Furlan had been murdered by the Abnormal Titan. I knew he wasn’t the same man as back then, but still, it was a little odd to see how much trust they had in each other.

_I’ll never understand guys and the way they act around each other._

Hanji and I stepped into our assigned room, which was no different than the previous ones we had shared before. Two beds were parallel to each other in the center of the room, with a nightstand in between them. A large window gazed back at us from the right side, giving us a gorgeous view of the city below. A mahogany closet laid against the wall; I could only imagine the comfortable silk outfits stashed inside. Last time we were in Mitras, Hanji had found two pairs of pajamas for us to wear. We never really got that luxury in the Survey Corps; most of us decided to sleep in just our uniform, so we wouldn’t have to worry about changing the next day.

If it weren’t for the poor attitudes of the nobles surrounding us, I would like Mitras a lot more. Although I couldn’t stand living in such a busy place (another reason why I preferred living in Shiganshina over Ehrmich), I had to admit, it would be much easier to visit here for a weekend if we didn’t have to deal with the royal government breathing down our necks. The city itself was beautiful, and it was a nice place to travel to. However, that meant nothing when the people inside treated you like shit.

“So, we have at least an hour to kill,” Hanji sighed, flopping down on one of the beds. “What do you wanna do until then?”

I shrugged myself out of the straps of my backpack and began leafing through the items. “I don’t know. Any ideas? And nothing too crazy,” I added quickly, giving her a glare.

She rolled her eyes and sat up on the bed. “Oh, I don’t know… Maybe we can see if there are any cute shops nearby? Nothing too fancy, obviously.”

Neither of us had much money to begin with, but that never stopped us from scouring out the cutest shops in each district. She had been fond of the little bakeries sprinkled throughout Shiganshina, as well as the many fruit stands. Unfortunately, they had been taken from us, along with everything else back there in Wall Maria.

Anger flooded my veins. The people cooped up within Wall Sina never had to worry about their homes being stolen by Titans. They hadn’t suffered the way we had, hadn’t lost people they cared about. The only part they had played in 845 was sending countless innocent civilians straight into the jaws of the Titans. 

“Sounds good.” It was a chore to keep my voice calm. I _hated_ our trips to Mitras, even if I was able to see my sister.

My hand snagged on the back pocket in my backpack. With a groan, I fished out the packet of pills inside and held them up to Hanji. As her eyes landed on them, she let out a gasp. She must have forgotten she had given them to me four years ago.

“Why do you still have those?!”

“I don’t know,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I should just throw them out. It’s not like I’ll ever use them.”

“Oh, don’t say that! I’m sure you’ll get _some_ use out of them,” she said with a wink.

I turned away as soon as I felt the blush rising up on my cheeks. With a growl, I shoved the pills back into the backpack. I would deal with them later. I didn’t want to play right into her hands. Despite what Levi said, I was _not_ that easy to rile up.

But Hanji wasn’t satisfied. I heard the bed squeal underneath her weight as she pulled her legs up and onto the mattress, not even bothering to kick off her boots. _I’m sure the higher-ups will **love** that. _

“What’s wrong? Don’t tell me you haven’t thought of—”

“I haven’t!” I practically screamed, my face burning. “So stop it!”

I didn’t want to think of that kind of stuff, period. Not with Levi, not with anyone. I had no interest in romance anymore, and even if I was, I didn’t have the time to pursue it. I had a squad to take care of—three kids to watch over and protect. My life belonged to them now, and theirs belonged to me. I had no room left for a lover, much less one who was a fellow Scout.

Hanji’s hands shot up in defense. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her teasing smile falter. “Sheesh, alright then. Just trying to have a little fun.”

“Yeah, well…don’t. It’s not funny.”

The last thing I wanted was to see Levi in a romantic light. I was already pathetic around him; I couldn’t even hold a conversation with him without blushing! But if I just caved into those feelings and fed those hopeless fantasies, I would only end up hurting myself. It was better to just leave well enough alone and ignore them. They would go away eventually.

“Okay. …I’m sorry.”

“…I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“Ah, it’s fine,” she said, standing up and throwing an arm around my shoulders. “You’ve done worse to me before.” _Gee, thanks, I guess_. “Come on, let’s head out.”

Before I could protest, she was already heading out the door. I groaned and threw my backpack back on the bed, following her out with a huff. She was unstoppable when she had her mind set on something.

However, just as we made it past the first door, a voice stopped us: “Heading out already? You better be back before the Commander notices you’re gone.”

The two of us stopped and turned around to see Levi closing the door to his room behind him. I swallowed and kept my eyes diverted from his. I wasn’t about to become a blushing mess in front of Hanji.

But my friend only smiled. “We’re just going to check out some of the nearby stores. You wanna come?”

 _Hanji, what are you doing?!_ I wasn’t opposed to spending time with Levi, but if Hanji was going to be with us, I knew I was in for some trouble. She was hell-bent on getting me worked up and embarrassed in front of him. It honestly seemed like a job rather than a hobby nowadays.

He raised an eyebrow at the offer. “I suppose,” he said after a few seconds of silence. “But only to make sure you don’t get lost. I don’t trust you two out in public alone. No telling what you brats will get yourselves into,” he added with a roll of his eyes.

_Oh, great. I can’t wait to see what she has in store for us…_

|~|

The three of us ended up at a small bookstore in the eastern section of the city. It was nicer than most bookstores I had been in: the floors were freshly swabbed, the windows had been wiped down, and the golden chandeliers above us had been recently dusted. Scores of books stared back at us from the brown shelves around us, begging to be read. Our little library in our base was _nothing_ compared to this.

Hanji wasted no time in running toward the science section, eager to get her hands on any new books for her research. I knew she couldn’t get into much trouble over there, so I decided to stay behind with Levi. At least now she couldn’t see if I got flustered while I was talking to him.

Hopefully, it wouldn’t come to that.

“…Do you have any favorite genre you like reading?” I started out awkwardly, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. “Maybe we can find some new books here.”

Depending on the kind of book you wanted to purchase, you would have to pay a fair amount for them. The only books Ma had been able to own came from her old home in Ehrmich District. Sure, Shiganshina had a library, but it wasn’t as fancy as the ones in the inner Walls. Besides, the books in here looked brand-new and recently printed. The ones in the outer districts were torn and used up.

“Not necessarily,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. As the two of us walked down the main hall of the store, his arm brushed up against mine. I swallowed and crossed my arms over my chest. “I read whatever Furlan had brought home.”

“Oh… And what kind of books did he like to read? What about Isabel?” It was a relief I could talk to him about them without feeling as though I was walking on eggshells.

He made that familiar _tch_ sound with his lips again, and for some reason, I felt a chill race down my spine. “All kinds of books. History, romance, adventure, you name it. He couldn’t stop reading; annoyed the hell out of me, since he kept those damn candles burning throughout the whole night just to finish a book.” I smiled when I saw his face soften at the memory. “Isabel wasn’t much of a reader. She couldn’t sit still for too long. She preferred to have Furlan read to her.”

This time, I didn’t hold back the smirk that made its way onto my face. _Like you let me do to you last night? I wonder where she got it from, Levi._

Unfortunately, he noticed a little too early, and his eyebrow shot up questioningly. “What’s your problem?”

“Nothing,” I sighed, looking away. “Just thinking of the kinds of books you’d like to read. I’ll admit, we don’t have much to choose from in our little library back at base. Besides, everything there is a little dated.”

“How so?”

“…We don’t have many recent books to read, that’s for sure. I think our most recent one was published eight years ago, at least.” _Yeah, we definitely needed a new upgrade._

Eventually, we came by the adventure and mystery shelves. I began pawing through the titles, gazing at the front page to see their synopses. I was relieved when Levi joined me, muttering to himself as he scanned the words on the page.

“Find anything you like so far? I’m buying, it’s my treat.”

He stayed silent, so I assumed the answer was no. When I grabbed another book off the shelf and tucked it under my arm, he swiped it out from under me and held it at bay. His lips stretched out into a smirk when I realized I couldn’t reach the book.

 _Damn it! I hate being two inches shorter than him!_ “What’s your problem? Give it back!”

“I’m not letting you spend money on me, Wolf.”

My face burned. _That’s_ what he was concerned about? “Why not? It’s my money. I’ll spend it on whoever I want to.”

“I don’t need your charity,” he sneered, shoving the book into my chest a little roughly. “I’m perfectly capable of paying for it on my own.”

“Fine, then. I was just trying to be nice…” The truth was, I didn’t mind paying for his stuff. I knew he had come from a harsh life in the Underground City, and that meant money was probably hard to come by. I didn’t mind treating him for a little while. He had already done so much for me, so why couldn’t I return the favor? He deserved it.

Suddenly, his hand was pressed against the top of my head, ruffling my hair. “Don’t pout, brat. It’s annoying.”

“I wasn’t pouting!” But I knew I was. As much as I loathed it, it was in my nature to pout. (I blamed my father for that, since Ma always said he was a pouter when he was younger.)

“Whatever. Just choose something so we can get out of here. I don’t like the idea of leaving Hanji on her own for too long.”

 _Aw, so he **does** care about her_. I didn’t dare say this out loud; I would be getting much worse than a book shoved against my chest if I did. “Does that mean you found something?”

He motioned to the two small books in his hand. By the looks of them, they seemed to be mysteries. “Hopefully they don’t turn out to be shit.”

“I hope so, too. You’ll have to let me know if they’re worth reading.”

There was a glint in his silver eyes. “Maybe I will.”

|~|

We made it back to the castle with time to spare before the meeting. However, when we arrived at the meeting room for the conference, the MPs stationed there had told us that only three of us were allowed to attend today’s session: Erwin, Mike, and Ness. Apparently, they wanted to hear from the senior officers first. They would hold the second half of the conference the next day. That’s when they wanted to meet with me, Levi, and Hanji.

Now that I had some free time, I decided to hunt around the castle for Leyna. I left Hanji in our room, and I was happy to see that she was poring over the set of twin books she had just bought at the store. My own book was resting on my bed, right next to my backpack. I would read it later (preferably in Levi’s company, if he wasn’t opposed to it).

As I walked up the stairs toward the main tower, where the King’s Guard soldiers resided, I let my mind wander. Immediately, thoughts of Levi and our earlier interactions flooded my head. There was no denying it: he was an interesting character, and I found myself thinking about him way more than I should have.

I wasn’t infatuated with the man—God forbid that—but I had to admit, I was drawn to him. Even in the earliest stages of our friendship, I felt the urge to converse with him and spend time with him. Maybe it had been because Erwin told me he was suffering, as well, but I felt the need to comfort him. We had both been through some pretty horrific events, and no one knew our pain better than we did. If we had anyone to turn to in times of distress, we only had each other.

 _Okay, fine, maybe he’s more of a friend to me, and not the romantic kind_. But what was I to him? How did he see me?

Was I just some stupid brat who needed special attention? Did he feel pity for me? Did he feel obliged to spend time with me because I had been the only other survivor of Flagon’s squad? Or was it something deeper than that?

I thought back to all the late night lessons in the forest, and our most recent meetings in each other’s offices to practice his handwriting. I thought of the many times we ate together in the mess hall, and the tea breaks we would have after replacing the rubber napes on the wooden Titans. Although he was quiet about it, he seemed to really like the tea I made him. I remembered training our cadets together, watching Eld, Reggie, Gretel and Evan excel at ODM gear training and hand-to-hand combat with a smile.

Then, I thought of the way he held me back in Trost, when my mother passed away during the previous night. I thought of our night together sleeping on Johanna’s couch, and how he had carried me back to the girls’ barracks after finding me fast asleep in Edel’s stall. I thought of the way he leaned in toward me, ready to kiss me on that warm spring night—before I had put a stop to it because I was too scared to see where it would lead. I thought of his constant flicks to my forehead and elbow nudges, and of course, the way he would ruffle my hair. And the more I thought about these little things, the warmer my face grew.

I mean…he wouldn’t have done all that if he didn’t care about me, right? Maybe he did see me as more than your average Scout. Maybe he felt drawn to me the same way I felt drawn to him.

I pressed a hand to my throbbing forehead, groaning in annoyance. I didn’t understand a thing about romance or how it was supposed to work. I guess I would have to ask my sister when I saw her. She would know what to do; she was good at that kind of stuff.

As I turned down to the left at the end of the hallway on the fifth floor, I could hear a slew of different voices. Perhaps it was a few King’s Guard soldiers? I could ask them where Leyna was, if they happened to know her. My sister was quite famous among the walls of the castle, for her loyal dedication to the king. She was seen as one of his best personal soldiers, and because of that, she was highly valuable.

Eventually, the squad of soldiers came into view. There were four men in the group: two with blond hair, one with black hair, and one with brown hair.

I froze in my tracks. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. My body wouldn’t let me. As much as I wanted to run away, I was glued to the floor. The only sound I could hear was my own heartbeat, throbbing in my eardrums.

The brown-haired man turned forward and looked at me. At that moment, all I wanted to do was curl up and die.

I was staring into the dark blue eyes of Jackson Meyer, my ex-boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist leaving you guys off with a cliffhanger! But hey, I told you that Mia's experience with Jax wouldn't be a one-time thing! Unfortunately, I can't say much more because I don't want to spoil anything. 
> 
> I'm eager to hear what you guys think. What are your thought and predictions for the next chapter? I won't wait too long to post it, since I don't want to leave you all hanging for that long. :)


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to leave you guys hanging for too long, so here's the next chapter! I just wanted to give you guys some background on a few things. But first, thank you so much to everyone who's read, subscribed, commented, bookmarked, and left kudos on this story. It really means a lot to me - I can't believe it's been 3 months since I first posted this story! You guys are awesome, and I can't thank you enough for taking the time to read this story. :)
> 
> Leyna is part of the King's Guard, which is an elite branch of the Military Police tasked with guarding the king and the royal assembly. There are two main sections: Blades, which are the warriors, and Shields, which are the protectors. Think of it as a circle with three layers: the inner circle is the king/royal assembly, the circle outside them are the Shields, and the outer circle are the Blades. (It was modeled after the 3 Walls, so that's what you can think of!) There are 5 Blades and 5 Shields, and each of them are in charge of their own squad of 2-3 soldiers. (I just want to let you guys know, so you know what Leyna means whenever she says she's the "Fourth Blade of the King's Guard.")
> 
> Also, I want to give you guys a warning for this chapter and the next one. (The tags for this story will finally be applied!) This chapter delves into some PTSD-related content, but it's not too graphic. The next one will definitely include suggestive sexual material (because we HAVE to make Mia as uncomfortable as possible, apparently), and expect some smut towards the end. But don't get too excited! It's still a slow burn story - I don't want my two lovebirds moving too fast. ;)

|XXV|

_No… It’s not possible… This can’t be real…_

_It’s been ten years! How is he still here?!_

_Shit! He’s coming closer! I have to get out of here!_

But my feet refused to move. I was stuck where I was, as my former boyfriend stepped closer to me. His mouth was pulled up in a smile—or a smirk, now that I thought about it.

I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I wanted to scream at him for doing what he had done to me on the night of our graduation ceremony. Even though it had happened so long ago, the right side of my face still burned from where he had slapped me.

_“Jax, I said no. I don’t want to.”_

_“Come on, you know you want this.”_

_“No, I don’t! Cut it out!”_

_“Stop being a brat. I’ll make it quick.”_

**_I don’t want this!_ **

The fifteen-year-old Mia inside me was curled into a ball, trying to shield herself from the boy who had hurt her all those years ago. I had to protect her. I wasn’t going to let that bastard do it again.

“Mia Wolf? Is that really you?”

Hearing his voice kicked me into gear. With a burst of fear in my chest, I turned on my heel and raced down the hall, back down the stairs I had climbed just a few minutes ago. I couldn’t let him touch me. I couldn’t let him hurt me again. I had to get away as soon as possible.

My boots slapped against the bronze floor, sending echoes throughout the hall. The sound of my breathing and my racing heart were the only things I could hear at the moment. I was too scared to look behind me to see whether or not _he_ was chasing me. The thought only spurred me on, and I started running faster. I ended up skipping a few stairs just to pick up the pace.

Jackson Meyer was in Mitras. On what business, I had no idea. What had he been doing for the past ten years? Where had he been? I hadn’t seen him once since Hanji kicked him out of the girls’ barracks for me. He hadn’t even been at the ceremony the following day, when we joined the Scouts. He had just…disappeared into thin air.

And now, he was in Mitras, in the same tower that housed the king and the King’s Guard. Was he working for the Military Police? I didn’t get a good look at his clothes, so I couldn’t remember if he was wearing the standard MP uniform. It was impossible for him to work for them as a soldier, since he hadn’t been one of the top ten cadets in our class. Still, that didn’t mean he wasn’t exempt from other positions among their ranks.

The Military Police had quite a few people working for them. Leyna had once told me that they hired a few people to take up the desk jobs and help out around the castle. These jobs included accountants, librarians, and many others. They picked up some of the work when the MPs couldn’t be bothered. I had seen a few of them roaming along the castle hallways before, so it wasn’t unusual for me to run into them.

But I had _never_ seen Jax here before. In all the times I had visited Mitras and stepped foot into the castle, I had never seen him inside. Even if he _was_ working for the Military Police, he must have been recently hired. I had run into everyone within these walls at least once—everyone except him.

Finally, I reached the second floor. My room with Hanji was probably the safest place for me to hide in. I needed time to settle down and process seeing him again. I was a nervous wreck, and if anyone could help me through it, it was Hanji.

But just as I turned the corner, I crashed into a warm body. I squeaked as I felt its arms curl around me. _No! Don’t tell me he’s found me already!_

“Watch where you’re going, Wolf.”

My eyes snapped open. _I know that voice_. A wave of relief washed over me as I gazed up at Levi, whose hands were currently wrapped around my upper arms. I let out a heavy breath, inching closer to his chest. I was safe as long as I was with him.

The moment my hands brushed against his sides, however, I felt his body stiffen. His fingers clenched tighter around my arms. “What’s your problem? Why are you out of breath?”

I grit my teeth so hard I thought they would shatter. He didn’t know about Jax. How was I going to explain it to him? Did I even want to? He had enough to worry about on his own, he didn’t need to carry my burdens, as well.

“It’s…” I glanced behind me, sighing when I saw nothing but the empty hallway. “It’s nothing… I just got spooked, that’s all. Nothing major.”

Like hell I was going to tell him my ex-boyfriend was currently roaming this castle. I had to get us both inside our room, just so they wouldn’t run into each other. The less Levi knew about Jax, the better it would be for all of us.

“Mia! There you are!”

My heart soared at the familiar female voice. I peeked around Levi’s shoulder and smiled when I saw my sister jogging toward us. She was dressed in her usual Military Police uniform, with her rose-colored shirt underneath her jacket. Her blond braid bounced against her back, swishing behind her. Even when she exercised, looking beautiful was effortless for her.

I untangled myself from Levi’s hands and met her halfway. Immediately, her arms found their way around my waist, and mine melded around her neck. I inhaled her scent deeply, smiling as her blond strands tickled my face. It was so nice to finally hold her in my arms.

 _You’re safe. And I finally have you_. “I missed you so much, Leyna.”

She scoffed lightly and hugged me tighter. If I had to guess, I would say she was rolling her eyes right then. “Me too. I was looking for you, but your friend Hanji told me you had gone looking for me instead. I’m glad I caught you when I did.”

Her entire body suddenly went rigid in my arms. She gently pulled me away and held me at arm’s length, staring at the spot right over my head. Her blue eyes were slanted and slightly darker than usual.

“Mia, who is he?”

Shame flooded my face. I had forgotten all about Levi. I stole a glance at him from over my shoulder, and my blush only grew stronger when I saw his gray eyes still locked on me. For a split second, he glared up at Leyna, and when I looked back at her, she returned it without hesitation.

“Oh! Ah, Leyna…this is Levi. He’s one of my…friends.” _I mean, I guess I can call him a friend at this point_. “Levi, this is my sister, Leyna.”

But judging by the expressions on their faces, starting a friendship with each other was the last thing on their minds. By now, Levi’s hands had curled into fists, and Leyna’s grip was tightening on my shoulders. I swallowed hard as he took a step closer. Leyna didn’t waste a second in shifting me behind her, holding me back with her arm.

_What is she doing?! This is ridiculous! If I was nervous about Levi hurting me, I wouldn’t be hanging out with him!_

My stomach suddenly churned. _Wait…did she just see us together? We were practically hugging each other…_ Did she think we were some kind of couple?

“I’ve met every soldier in the Survey Corps at least once, and I don’t remember meeting _you_.”

Leyna’s voice was cold and harsh; I bit back a groan at her possessive nature. No matter what, she had to know who Ben and I were hanging out with. At any age, she had to know all of our friends (which weren’t many, in my case, but still). When we joined the 90th Training Corps, it only grew worse. And if she didn’t like one of our friends, she would make it known. I couldn’t even count the number of times she had rolled her eyes at Hanji or made some comment under her breath about Blaise.

If she knew about Levi’s history in the Underground City, there was no telling what she would say about him.

I placed a hand on her shoulder. “It’s alright, Leyna. He’s been with us—”

“Your little friend can speak for himself,” she cut me off, shaking my arm off of her, “especially if he thinks he can put his hands on my little sister.”

 _By the Walls, are we **really** doing this?! Cut it out, Leyna! Don’t antagonize him! _I didn’t want them to engage in a brawl right in the middle of the hallway.

His steel gray eyes were sharp as he answered her. “Commander Erwin recruited me two years ago. I don’t see why an MP should be so concerned about us. Aren’t the Scouts below you?”

My mouth fell open at his words. _What is he doing?! Don’t get her started!_ Pushing Leyna’s buttons was _not_ something you wanted to do, especially if you were meeting her for the first time.

“The ones that disrespect me _are_ below me,” she snapped back. She was fuming at this point. “Maybe you should learn some damn respect before you even think about addressing me with that tone. You are talking to the Fourth Blade of the King’s Guard, you know.”

An eyebrow shot up at this. “Is that supposed to mean something to me?”

I would’ve laughed at Leyna’s baffled expression if the situation wasn’t so serious. As fast as I could, I planted myself between them, holding them at bay with both my arms. I didn’t need them fighting right outside Commander Erwin’s room.

“Come on, guys, cut it out! Leyna, back off. He’s not that familiar with the MP titles, so don’t berate him. Levi,” I started, turning to face him, “please stop it. Don’t piss her off.” _She doesn’t need that, and neither do you._

I didn’t expect Levi to know any of the terms Leyna was throwing around, or the importance of her job, but it wouldn’t hurt him to show a little decency toward her. I could explain everything to him later, so she wouldn’t chew him out the next time she saw him. But on the other hand, I could see why he wasn’t all that friendly toward her. As far as I knew, he had been surrounded by corrupt MPs all his life, being a criminal in the Underground City. He had tangled with the worst of the worst, and I didn’t blame him for being skeptical of my sister. As far as he was concerned, she was just another corrupt MP, using her job to benefit herself.

My voice must have been raised too much, because the next thing I knew, the door on the right was opening up. Hanji poked her head through, her glasses glinting in the faint light of the chandelier above.

“What’s all the racket? Oh!” Her brown eyes widened when she saw Leyna. “You found her! That’s good. And I see you’ve met Shorty.”

“Fuck off, shitty glasses.”

Leyna scoffed and crossed her arms over her chest. “A man of class, I see. How eloquent.”

My stomach dropped when I saw his eyes harden. They were no longer a silver color—now, they reminded me of a thunderstorm. If I didn’t do something now, there was no telling what could happen. Although she liked to pretend she wasn’t, my sister was not above getting violent when she believed she was in the right. And if I knew my sister, she didn’t think she was ever wrong about anything.

“Guys, seriously, that’s enough. Now let’s all try to—”

“There you are!”

The words died in my throat. I knew that voice. All too well, in fact. And this time, I couldn’t bolt away. Leyna, Hanji, and Levi were watching. I couldn’t tip them off that something was wrong.

With a deep breath, I lowered my arms and turned to face the source of the voice. Jax was walking toward our little group, coming up right behind Levi. Thankfully, Levi’s back was turned to me, so he couldn’t see how red my face was. Or how hard my teeth were chattering.

For the first time in ten years, I took a good look at the boy I had once loved with all my heart. He was no longer a boy—he was a man now, and if I remembered correctly, he was around twenty-six years old. His brown hair had grown longer over the years, and now it stretched down to his shoulders. Those dark blue eyes were just how I remembered them.

He wasn’t dressed in the standard Military Police uniform, like Leyna was. Instead, he was in a straight black and white business suit, with a dark orange bolo tie wrapped around his neck. It was odd to see him wearing one, since only the Commanders of each branch wore them: Erwin wore a green one, to represent the Survey Corps; Commander Nile Dok wore a red tie to represent the Military Police; and Commander Pyxis wore a dark purple one to represent the Garrison. A few high-ranking officers wore them, as a badge to show off their accomplishments as soldiers. But I had never seen a dark orange one; even Leyna didn’t wear one (she only had a silver band around her left arm to show off her status as a Blade of the King’s Guard).

“I was wondering where you had run off to, Mia. I was getting worried when I couldn’t find you.”

Suddenly, a blur of brown and white flew past me. Before I knew it, Hanji had him pinned against the wall, her hands curled around the front of his collar. Jax sputtered and coughed, but he couldn’t break free from her grasp. Leyna gasped at the action, and even though I still couldn’t see his face, I could tell Levi was just as surprised as she was.

“What are you doing?!”

“Hanji!”

I remained silent as the cries of Leyna and Levi flooded the air. But my best friend ignored them. All she was focused on was my ex-boyfriend, who was gasping for air under her hands.

“What are you doing here, you bastard?” I had never heard Hanji sound so menacing before. “How do you have the nerve to show your face, to _talk_ to her again?” She leaned her face close to his, her voice nothing more than a soft, dangerous hiss: “I should kill you where you stand.”

“Hanji, stop!”

But it wasn’t Leyna who yelled at her. It wasn’t Levi, either. It was me.

She whipped her head to the side and met my eyes. “What? Mia, he—”

“Hanji, _stop it_.” _Please, listen to me._

I didn’t want to drag my past with Jax right in front of our little audience. Only Hanji and I knew what he had tried to do that night ten years ago. I would be damned if I let my sister, my only living sibling left in the world, know what had happened between us. And Levi didn’t need to know about that side of me. I had told him enough about me, but the fact I had almost been raped was not one of them.

Thankfully, Hanji seemed to understand, and she ripped herself away from Jax. But that didn’t lessen the hard glare on her face.

With a huff, Jax straightened his suit and returned her glare. “You haven’t changed much at all, Hanji.”

Leyna was at my side in a flash. When her arm brushed against mine, I felt my shoulders relax a bit. “What was that all about?”

“Why don’t you ask Mia?”

Suddenly, all four pairs of eyes were on me. My face burned with shame at Hanji’s words. She was backing me into a corner, forcing me to come clean. She always hated the fact I had stayed silent about _that incident_ with Jax, but I didn’t see the point in telling anyone.

I couldn’t tell them what had happened between us. Not to Leyna, not to Levi, not to anyone. Even if I did decide to tell someone in the future, it certainly wouldn’t be in front of Jax. I knew he wouldn’t try anything now that Hanji had asserted her power; he wasn’t eager to have another punch thrown at his face. And there was no telling what Leyna and Levi would do. My sister would rip him limb from limb, and I was certain Levi wouldn’t hesitate to join her in doing so. All it took was remembering the way he had sliced up that angry civilian back in Trost to tell me he wouldn’t stand for Jax’s past behavior.

My eyes met Jax’s, and I felt my knees grow weak. He _knew_ —the bastard knew what I was going through. After all these years, he never forgot what he had done to me, or the ways he had hurt me. While the physical traces were all but gone, the mental scars were still there. But I was the only one who knew of their existence.

I dropped my eyes to the ground and hung my head. “We broke up after graduation.” My voice was dull and lifeless, but I forced myself to continue. “We had a big fight. He left afterwards, and I never got to say goodbye.”

I couldn’t look Hanji in the eyes; I didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes. I knew she wanted me to confess, to bring Jax down right then and there, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t strong enough to admit it out loud.

A chill ran down my spine. Why was I covering for him? Why did I feel the need to defend Jax? If anyone deserved my compassion, it certainly wasn’t him. He had hurt me, and he deserved to pay. So why was I so concerned over how he would react to this revelation?

Clenching my fists together, I raised my head and looked him dead in the eye. “Nice to see you again, Jax. Sorry about Hanji. She blamed you for the breakup. I guess she’s still not over it.”

The moment I saw the smirk on his face, I wanted to curl up and die. But I had to behave. I couldn’t let this dirty little secret get out to my sister or Levi.

“It’s alright, Mia.” Ugh, I hated the way my name left his disgusting mouth. “I’m glad we can put all of this behind us.” I didn’t miss the sideways glance he shot Hanji. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to meet her eyes. I didn’t want to see the sense of betrayal in them.

Leyna’s hand found itself on my shoulder, and she gave me a comforting squeeze. “I meant to tell you that he transferred over here during the winter…but I never got around to mentioning it in my letters. Especially after Ma…”

An icy claw raked at my chest as I remembered the real reason I wasn’t able to see Leyna sooner. With a whimper, I wrapped my arms around myself, and they were immediately covered with Leyna’s own arms. It was all too much so soon, and the weight came crashing down on me. All I wanted to do was fall asleep in the arms of my sister.

“I know, baby,” she crooned in my ear, holding me close. “Come on, I’ll take you back to my room. You don’t have to be here, if you don’t want to.”

And God, did I not want to be here right now.

She didn’t wait for an answer before she started leading me down the hallway. I barely had time to sneak a glance at Hanji and Levi before she urged me further and up the stairs. I prayed with all my heart that Hanji would keep her composure around Jax—and that she would keep her mouth shut around Levi. I didn’t need anyone else meddling around in my business.

|~|

I had been in Leyna’s room a few times. When she had first been appointed to the King’s Guard, she let me into the room to explore it. She shared it with Sara Meyer, her best friend from the 90th Training Corps, and the Fifth Blade of the King’s Guard. Jax and Sara shared the same last name, but they came from different bloodlines. They were in no way related to each other, which was weird. But it wasn’t hard to believe; they had been nothing alike as cadets.

Now, Leyna had sat me down on the bed to the right, and she left to fetch some water from the bathroom. With my arms still around myself, I took in the sight of the room around me. It hadn’t changed much since the last time I was here. The walls were still an elegant pale gold color, and the floor was sparkling white. Silk sheets covered both of the beds in the room, and the pillows had been freshly fluffed. For a split second, I wished we had this kind of comfort back at the Survey Corps base.

Leyna returned with a cup of water, which I gulped down in a rush. As I wiped my mouth with my sleeve, she sat down beside me, resting a hand on my thigh. I curled into her warmth, closing my eyes as I rested my head on her shoulder.

For a moment, I forgot about all the animosity between us. I forgot about the high-and-mighty attitude of the Military Police and the nobles within the castle. I forgot about my sister’s hatred for the Survey Corps and her endless disapproval of my chosen profession. I forgot about the bickering between her and Levi, and even the spat Hanji and Jax had just gotten into. Right now, I wasn’t the captain of the Elite Reconnaissance Squad, and she wasn’t Fourth Blade of the King’s Guard. We were just Leyna and Mia Wolf, mourning the loss of our mother.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there in person,” she whispered against my forehead. “I tried, but I couldn’t leave my post. He wouldn’t let me—”

“It’s alright, Leyna.” I didn’t like hearing her ramble; besides, I could feel a headache coming on. “It’s not your fault. Besides, Ma wouldn’t have wanted you to see her like that. Hell, she didn’t even want _me_ to see her like that.”

My sister’s face softened, and her arm tightened around my shoulders. “I heard about the mess Trost was in. _Please_ tell me you didn’t go there alone. Tell me Hanji went with you, at least.”

All the moisture in my mouth seemed to evaporate on the spot. “Uh…Hanji didn’t go with me, but it’s okay. I wasn’t alone.” She raised her eyebrow at me, and I realized with a jolt that I couldn’t hide the truth from her any longer. “…I know you don’t like him, but I ended up going with Levi.”

She didn’t even try to hold back the annoyed groan. I bit back a whimper as she pulled away from me and stood up. “Are you telling me you went to Trost with no one else but _him_?”

“Leyna, he’s not that bad!”

My cheeks burned under her scathing blue eyes. I knew her well enough to know that she wouldn’t listen to me about him, as much as I wanted her to. Still, that didn’t keep me from trying to make her understand.

“He knew Trost was a hellhole at the time, and he didn’t want to see me and Hanji go alone. He offered to go with me instead, and he promised he would protect me.” I debated telling her about the civilian who had grabbed me by the throat, but I bit my tongue just in time. There was no need to worry her any further. “He acted as my shield in that city. I trusted him with my life, and I still do.”

Despite our rocky start, I had grown to appreciate him as a fellow Scout. Both inside and outside the Walls, I counted on him to keep me safe. Just like with the cadets of my new squad, my life was in his hands, and his was in my own. Whatever petty grudge that Leyna held against him meant nothing. She had to admit that he was one of the Scouts responsible for bringing me back home to her. And it was my job to make sure he came home, as well.

Her arms were crossed over her chest, and she still wore that fierce blue glare. “Don’t you think you’re being naïve? You’ve always been too trusting with people, Mia. You don’t realize they could turn on you in a flash.”

“He wouldn’t do that!”

“Really?” Her face was suddenly in front of mine, and I had to lean back on the bed just to keep enough space between us. “Tell me something: is he one of the former criminals you told us about a while ago?”

I stiffened. How did she figure that one out? I hadn’t even mentioned their names when I told her, Ben, and Ma about them. I had made sure to keep his name a secret, in case any of the other Military Police members decided to storm down to our base and take him by force.

Then again, it wasn’t exactly a secret that I had few friends within the Scouts. Apart from Hanji, and maybe Erwin and Mike, I didn’t have anyone I could really call a friend. Levi was the only other person I could actually say that about. At this point, we had been through so much together it seemed impossible to call him anything else.

I bit my lip and gazed down at my hands, which were folded in my lap. “So what if he is? He’s not like that anymore.”

“Mia, how stupid can you be?! You don’t think he’s just acting it out? That he’s just trying to win your trust? You don’t think that he’ll try to kill you the first chance he gets? That he’s just trying to get you alone so he can—”

“Stop it!” I couldn’t hear any more of this—not when Jax was within the walls of the castle. Levi was _nothing_ like that bastard was. I refused to believe he would try something like that. “He wouldn’t do that, I know he wouldn’t! You wanna know what he did, the morning I found out that Ma was gone?!” Tears started to flow down my cheeks. I couldn’t hold it back any longer—I had to let her know exactly what I thought of him, and what he had done for me. “He _held_ me in his arms. He didn’t leave my side, not once! He did his best to make me feel better, because _you_ weren’t there!”

I knew the last part was a lie, but I couldn’t take it back now. It wasn’t Leyna’s fault she wasn’t able to make it to Trost, but I couldn’t suppress the anger that rose in my chest. She had been spared the sight of our mother’s ragged form, as she clung to her last few breaths in this world. She hadn’t seen her body be carried out of Johanna’s home in Trost. She hadn’t woken up next to Ma’s cold form, like I had. She had been spared from all that, and because she hadn’t been there to hold me, I had to lean on the only person who was there. For all his faults, I was thankful for Levi being there to support me.

Leyna’s eyes fell at my words. There was no mistaking the pain in them. My chest clenched at the sight of her pitiful form. I had _hurt_ her. I had hurt my sister.

A sob tore at my burning throat, and I hastily wiped my eyes. “I’m… I’m sorry…”

Her arms were around me again, and I was pressed into her warm chest again. “It’s fine,” she muttered against the top of my head. “I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean it.”

But I knew she did. Nothing about this had changed her opinion on Levi. Unless she saw him protecting me from the Titans outside the Walls, which was practically impossible at this point, she couldn’t care less about him.

I didn’t want to worsen the wedge between us. Now, we didn’t have Ben and Ma to force us to be civil with one another. We only had each other, in this cruel, psychotic world.

|~|

When Erwin, Mike, and Ness emerged from the conference in the early evening, I had been called into his assigned room, along with Hanji and Levi. The meeting had gone exactly as I had thought: the nobles that made up the royal government weren’t interested in listening to the Scouts’ side of the story, which made it all the more easier for them to insist on defunding us as a whole.

Surprisingly, they still wanted to evaluate the newest Squad Leaders of the branch the following day. Erwin had warned both me and Levi to be on “our best behavior,” and to just let the nobles say their piece. In short, it was nothing we didn’t already know.

As usual, we were escorted to the largest hall soon after, just in time for dinner. When we arrived and saw the Military Police officers already seated at the huge table, I could feel Levi stiffen beside me. I shot him a warning glare, which he returned without hesitation. If I could put up spending a few days surrounded by MPs, he could do the same.

While Erwin and the other veteran soldiers sat with Nile Dok, the Commander of the Military Police, I found myself further down the table, with Hanji and Levi on either side of me. Leyna took her usual spot across from me, and she was joined by an unfamiliar man with blond hair and kind green eyes. As soon as I raised my eyebrow at him, she tapped his arm and pointed to me.

“Oh, Emil, this is my sister, Mia. Mia, this is Emil, Third Blade of the King’s Guard…and my boyfriend.”

A small part of me wanted to treat Emil with the same amount of respect Leyna had shown Levi, just to spite her, but when he gave me a genuine smile, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I decided to take the high road and simply shake his outstretched hand.

“Nice to meet you, Emil. Leyna’s told me a lot about you.”

“And she’s done the same about you.” His voice was deep, even though he only looked about a year older than me and Leyna. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

As he took his seat next to Leyna, I couldn’t help but wonder what she could have done to score a man as nice as him. Leyna had high expectations for her significant other—she had told me and Ben about them a few years ago, when Dad was still alive. How had she found someone who was willing to meet those expectations and put up with her for the rest of his life?

 _Well, whatever. At least they seem happy together_. I could tell by the way they kept sneaking glances at each other as the dishes were served.

However, just as a plate of roast meat, potatoes, and vegetables made its way in front of me, I saw another figure take the chair right next to my sister, and across from Levi. My stomach turned to stone as Jax flashed me a smile and helped himself to a plate.

My hands began to shake. _Why is he here? Why isn’t he with the other nobles? This is where the soldiers usually eat, so why is he in here with us?_

I didn’t want him sitting next to Leyna, or anywhere near us at all. But I couldn’t draw attention to myself. Attention would only raise questions, and that was the last thing I wanted right now. So I held my tongue and kept my eyes glued to the full plate in front of me. I pushed my food around aimlessly, even though my appetite was already long gone.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Hanji staring at me. I didn’t want to face her head-on, in case I ended up crying right then and there. I knew she was disappointed in me for not telling the truth about Jax. But I stood by my words. It was my problem to worry about—not hers, not Levi’s, and especially not Leyna’s.

Still, that didn’t do anything to calm my nerves. Every time Jax gazed in my direction, a bolt of ice would hit the base of my spine. All I could think about was the way those blue eyes had stared back at me that night. They had been dark—so dark—that I couldn’t even see his pupils anymore. When he flexed his hands in any way, I remembered how they felt around each of my wrists. They had gripped them so hard the bruises didn’t fade until two days after graduation. Every time his mouth quirked upward, I thought of all the kisses we had shared as innocent, ignorant cadets. They meant nothing now; they had all been lies.

Leyna seemed to notice my stiffness, but she probably chalked it up to me being uncomfortable around so many MPs. I was never a big fan of these fancy dinners at Mitras, so I was able to pass it off. Besides, she was already preoccupied with her conversation with Emil.

Thankfully, Hanji held her tongue. She knew better than to stir up unnecessary trouble. I knew she was bound to confront me about it later tonight, when we made it back to our shared room. Maybe I could think of an excuse before then. I had a little more time, to excuse my behavior around her.

Finally, there was Levi, whose eyes were currently locked on my ex-boyfriend. To my disappointment, I couldn’t read his expression. (Well, when could I ever?) I had no idea what he was thinking as he studied Jax. When I glanced down at his half-eaten plate, I saw only one of his hands resting on the table. The other one was curled into a tight fist on top of his lap.

He couldn’t have pieced it together already, right? There was no way he could’ve inferred my bad history with him. Surely my cover story about our breakup was enough to convince him, right?

_I mean, even if he knows I’ve had a bad experience with a guy in the past, he couldn’t have figured out it was him, right?_

But my frantic heart seemed to think otherwise.

Jax suddenly cleared his throat and met my eyes. Immediately, I dropped them to my plate and shoved a forkful of meat into my mouth. I couldn’t even bring myself to swallow it.

_Please, anything but this! Don’t look at me!_

“It’s been ten years since we’ve caught up, Mia. You haven’t changed in the slightest, huh?” A deep chuckle sounded from his chest. A chill ran down my arms as I realized it didn’t evoke the same kind of excitement that Levi’s rare laughs did. “Still determined to be the best Scout you can be, is that right?”

 _What do I say to him? I can’t just talk to him like everything’s fine! How can he be so calm about all this?! Has he forgotten what he tried to do to me? I mean, I know it happened ten years ago, but it still feels like it happened just yesterday_.

I swallowed the chewed-up meat in my mouth and shuddered as it went down. I couldn’t even savor the taste, I was so scared.

“…Yeah.”

There was so much I wanted to ask him, so much I wanted to _scream_ at him. But the words wouldn’t come. My throat was swollen, my mouth was bone dry, and my heart was going to burst out of my chest at any minute. It was only a matter of time before I lost it completely and broke down in front of the whole dining hall.

“You were always looking forward to being a Scout. Always wanting to follow in your father’s footsteps.” He sighed and rested his chin on his hand, as if he was reminiscing the good old days. “We were quite the pair back then, weren’t we? Practically inseparable.”

_Maybe once, but not anymore. You had to rip that away from me, you bastard! **You** took that away— **you** were the one who betrayed me! _

But I remained silent.

Something brushed against my leg from underneath the table. I couldn’t move, even if I wanted to. “Maybe we can pick up where we left off someday?”

I couldn’t feel my arms or legs at this point. All I heard was his voice, tearing through the sound of the blood pounding in my ears.

**_No! I don’t want this!_ **

Suddenly, Levi was up and out of his seat in a flash. Before I could blink, he was tugging on my wrist and dragging me out of the dining hall. I barely managed to meet Hanji’s concerned eyes before we were out of the room and walking down the main hallway.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I stared at the back of his head. It bothered me that I couldn’t see his face. All I had to go by was the way he was holding my wrist and leading me down the hall. It wasn’t as tight as Jax had held me that night, but it wasn’t exactly gentle, either.

 _What’s his problem? Did something set him off back there? Was it something that Jax had said?_ I couldn’t tell, and it only made me all the more anxious.

Finally, the two of us reached the end of the bronze hallway, and he halted us in front of a set of double doors. After glancing down the hall, to make sure we were still alone, he pushed the doors open and led me inside.

 _I trust him. It’s okay. He won’t try to hurt me. I know him better than that. I’m safe with him._ Still, I had my doubts as we entered the darkness.

I had been in this room a few times before. It was one of the ballrooms that served as the setting for the dances the nobles liked to host every other year. While they were never my favorite events to attend, it was nice to see all the different decorations and the dresses the noblewomen wore. I felt out of place most of the time, awkwardly hanging off to the side with Hanji, feeling severely underdressed for such a fancy occasion.

The light from the dying sun shone through the glass ceiling, giving us a little bit of light to see each other and the room around us. It was a glamorous room overall, with a gorgeous chandelier above and golden walls around us. The white floor looked like it had been freshly mopped, even though the next ball wasn’t scheduled to take place until next year.

_Well, that has to be a positive for Levi, going by how much he loves everything around him to be clean._

But the smile the silly thought had brought me vanished the moment I met his eyes. They were no longer a stunning silver color. Instead, they were a dark and stormy grey, reminding me of the way he had looked at Leyna with so much distaste and distrust earlier. I heard a _click_ as the double doors shut behind him, and he faced me fully. I willed my hands to stay put at my side.

_I’m not afraid of him. I’m not._

“What did he do to you?”

He didn’t waste any time beating around the bush, it seemed. My teeth chattered at how direct his question was. How did he pick up on it so quickly? Was it really that obvious? Was I really that easy to read, as Hanji had always said?

“W-what are you talking about?” No harm in playing dumb for a little while, right? Especially if he’s already figured me out.

“I’m not as stupid as you think I am, brat.” He reached up and grasped my upper arms, to prevent me from backing away. “What did he do? I know you have a history with him. Hanji wouldn’t have gone after him if she didn’t have a good reason to. You obviously know each other.”

 _Shit, no! He can’t know! I don’t want to drag him into this!_ “N-n-nothing, I swear—”

A squeak left my lips as he brought me closer to his chest. His grip was tight, but it wasn’t painful. _He won’t hurt me. No matter what, he won’t hurt me. Not like Jax did._

“Don’t lie to me, Wolf.” He was seething now, his eyes glinting sharper than I’d ever seen them before. “I know you’ve had bad experience with men before. You told me yourself.” _Fuck, that’s right! He figured that out the night he tried to kiss me!_ “The way you’re acting around that bastard isn’t normal. You can’t even look him in the eye. It’s not a coincidence.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. It was too late. He knew already. But I couldn’t admit it out loud. Actually saying it made it worse somehow.

In the years following _that incident_ , I had wondered if it had all been a dream. No, I had _hoped_ it had been a dream. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so disgusted with myself. Maybe then I could move past it. Admitting it out loud made it sound real and revolting.

But I had shoved it into the darkest corners of my mind, like I had done with everything else that bothered me. I ignored it and pretended it never happened, just so I could try to act normal. I didn’t want it to scar me, or have it affect the way I acted with others. Unfortunately, that had already happened. I couldn’t even get too close to someone without freaking out and pushing them away.

Levi’s breath fanned over my face. “Tell me the truth, Wolf. Did he touch you?”

I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I snapped.

My palms found their way on his chest, and I pushed against him with all my might. But the bastard wouldn’t let go of my arms, and the two of us ended up hitting the double doors behind him. He grunted as his back collided with the golden doors, his gray eyes still locked on mine.

“Shut up. It’s none of your business, Levi. Nothing happened between us, I swear it! He didn’t—” The next words were lodged in my throat. “…He didn’t…” _He didn’t touch me._

_But he tried to._

With a groan, I pushed myself off of his chest and turned away from him. Instinctively, my arms wrapped around my torso, providing a feeble shield for myself. My eyes were screwed shut, and my knees buckled underneath me, threatening to let me fall to the elegant white floor.

I was a terrible liar, I knew that much. And it was easy for people like Hanji and Levi to read me and my expressions. As much as it sickened me, I couldn’t keep something like this from him forever. He would figure it out eventually, even if I never told him outright what had happened. The best thing I could do at this point, for my sanity and the ones around me, was to squash that fear down and pretend as if I had never seen Jax again in the first place.

I couldn’t prevent him from finding out. But I could keep myself from elaborating on it and giving him any more information. The less he knew about it, the better it was for all of us.

“Yes, we used to date, but we broke up a while ago. We haven’t seen each other since. Now leave me alone… I don’t want to talk about it.” My voice was no more than a whisper; I would’ve been surprised if he could hear me at all. “So don’t pressure me. You were the one who told me I didn’t have to say anything if I didn’t want to!” If he remembered so much from our encounter the night he tried to kiss me, surely he would’ve remembered saying that to me.

“I also told you not to beat yourself up over it.”

An awkward silence passed over us, as the sun began to sink further into the horizon above us. Eventually, I leaned against the wall and slid down into a sitting position, keeping my distance from Levi. I kept my arms around myself, trying to find some kind of warmth in my own self embrace. What I really needed was for someone like Hanji or Leyna to hold me, but that was out of the question. And it would be a snowy day in hell before I sought out Levi for a hug.

It was too much too soon. Jax had found his way back into my life after a whole decade, and I had no idea how to cope with it. I had locked him in a box and tucked him away in the farthest, darkest corner of my mind since our last real interaction as freshly graduated cadets. Now he had broken out, and I wasn’t sure I could restrain him again.

I still didn’t even know why he was in Mitras in the first place. Honestly, deep down, I didn’t really care. All I wanted was for him to get out of my life as soon as possible, so I could regain some sense of normalcy in this hellish world called home.

My teeth gnashed against each other. I _hated_ how he still held so much power over me, even though it had been a full decade since _that incident_. Every time he crossed my mind, I could feel my inner fifteen-year-old bunch up into a ball and start sobbing hopelessly. A flood of memories attacked all at once, blending together in a red wave. Our first kiss, the bruises on my wrist, the first date we had gone on together, the gruff voice of the shadow above me, the sweet kisses he would press to my forehead during training breaks, the hard length between his thighs—

If Hanji hadn’t broken in through the window and fought him off for me, there was no doubt in my mind he would have succeeded in raping me. And now, I was scared of it happening again.

What if he tried to get close to me again? He now knew I was in Mitras, so what if he planned on using his position to get some alone time with me? What if he was planning on attacking me that way again? What if he found me, and I wasn’t with Hanji or Leyna or Levi? What if he managed to get me cornered and _did_ take advantage of me?

The thought sent violent shivers down my spine. I couldn’t bear the thought of his hand diving between my legs again, just as it did so many years ago. I had strayed away from any kind of physical intimacy over the years, so I wasn’t used to the basic touch. What if he managed to ruin my view of it completely? What if he succeeded in leaving his mark on me, visible to no one but myself?

Would I be damaged goods then? What would I do? I buried my face into my knees, trying my best to swallow a rising sob. I couldn’t break down now. I would wait until tonight, when I was safe in my room with Hanji. She would know what to say.

“Come on.”

My head shot up from my knees. I stared up at Levi with blurry eyes. He had moved closer to me, and he was currently motioning to the doors behind him with his head. “…What…where are you going?”

“Just come with me. You’ll see soon enough.”

The second he held out his hand, I grabbed it and let him pull me to my feet. My legs were a little shaky, but I managed to keep my balance. He kept his other arm at bay, making sure I wasn’t about to fall. I appreciated the gesture.

“What are you planning?” I asked as he led me out of the empty ballroom. He didn’t seem as hostile as he had a few minutes ago, thankfully.

Those steel gray eyes slanted mischievously, and his lips stretched up into a soft smirk. “You’ll see, Mia.”

His hand never left my own, which didn’t help my reddened face in the slightest. It was bad enough my heart was already racing from the sound of my first name falling from his lips. I didn’t need to get flustered over his hand around mine— _God it’s so warm._

_Stop it!_

As he led me through the castle, further away from the dining hall and toward the back of the structure, I focused on the feeling of my fingers laced with his. Despite their warmth, they were calloused and scarred. My own hands weren’t much better, given my military history, but there was something about his that sent trembles along my body.

These hands had killed for the ones he loved. For Furlan and Isabel, and now his fellow Scouts. My mind wandered, engaging in a fantasy before I could stop myself. If the situation would arrive, would he hesitate to shed blood for me? Was I that much of a concern to him?

I thought back to our encounter with the angry civilian back in Trost. Even before we stepped through the gate, he had promised to protect me—and he had later lived up to those words. I remembered the blood spraying onto the dusty ground, and the way the man with the dark eyes had curled his torn fingers against his chest. It had all happened so fast I hadn’t even seen the blade until the tip was bathed in blood.

 _He’s already shed blood for me_ , I realized with a jolt. _Would he have protected me if he had been there when Jax—_

I squeezed my eyes shut. I had to stop. It wasn’t healthy. I was clinging to a fantasy of what never could have happened in the past. Deep down, I was still trying to comfort and coddle the fifteen-year-old Mia, who had curled herself into her best friend’s outstretched arms and wondered what she had done wrong.

She had to move on. And I had to do the same.

“We’re here.”

I blinked, gazing at our new surroundings. He had led me up to the fourth floor and onto the balcony that gazed out to the north side of the city. From this point of view, we could see at least half of the city around us. Smoke rose up from the chimneys of the houses and the towers of the nearby factories, but they couldn’t block out the stars up above. The sky was a beautiful blend of purple, orange, and pink, with the golden moon partially hidden behind a few clouds.

Suddenly, I felt a gentle shove against my shoulder. “Are you just gonna stand around all night, or what? Come on, start climbing.”

He pushed me toward the wall, where a few aging bricks jutted out of the surface. I had scaled these walls countless times with Hanji already, so I was used to them by now. However, it was a whole different experience with Levi. With my bespectacled friend, I felt a sense of excitement and adventure. It reminded me of our days as cadets, when we would sneak around the training grounds to explore the forest around us, and when Duvalier would either catch us outside the barracks with muddy boots in the middle of the night. It was simply an enjoyable thrill, which could only be explained if you were with your best friend.

Now, with Levi, I felt a sense of security. I felt like nothing could touch me when I was with him. As long as he was at my side, making sure I didn’t fall, I felt as though I was on top of the whole world. It wasn’t even a sense of parental or older sibling protection, like I had felt with Leyna and Ben. It was something totally different, but it was just as strong. And to be honest, I loved it.

Once we were both up on the roof, with our legs hanging off the side, I turned to face him. He was sitting on my right side, with his hands resting at his sides. Biting my lip, I pressed my hand to the tile at my side, just a few inches away from his own. Hopefully he would take the hint.

“So…why did you bring me here?” _There has to be a reason, right? Don’t tell me he just felt bad for me and decided to drag me all the way up here for the hell of it._

He kept his eyes on the city before us, but his hand inched closer to my own. I tried (and failed) to hide my smile at this. “You needed to take your mind off of some things,” he finally answered in his deep voice. “The easiest way to distract you is to show you something shiny or pretty, so that’s what I did. You’re like a goddamn cat, you know.”

“…Um…thanks…?” Was that a compliment? How was I supposed to take that? Either way, I knew how hard it was for him to stay nice for a long time, so I let it slide. I still appreciated the gesture, even though the reasoning behind it was a little weird.

_He wanted to take my mind off of Jax. That’s…actually kind of sweet. But I’m sure he won’t be a fan if I point that out to him._

“…Hey, Levi?” This time, he turned his head to look at me. “I appreciate it.”

He rolled his eyes and reached over to ruffle my hair. “Don’t mention it, kid.” When he lowered his hand, he let it drape directly over my own. But when I looked up to meet his eyes, he was already looking away, out into the city lights in front of us. “Just don’t stress yourself out about this.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. What was he getting at? Was he still talking about Jax?

“You don’t have to tell me what went on between you two if you don’t want to.” His fingers tightened around my own. “But don’t forget about the promise I made to you, Wolf. I told you I wouldn’t let anything like that happen to you.”

_So…that didn’t just apply to our visit in Trost? Is he serious right now? Has he deemed me important enough to protect? I didn’t think he was the type to give out special treatment._

Still, a part of me feared his words were hollow. Anything could happen out here, he had said so himself before we had left for Trost. How could he promise nothing bad would happen to me? As much as I hated it, it was definitely a possibility for the future. Now that Jax was back in my life, I ran the risk of having a repeat of _that incident_ from ten years ago.

“…I’ve had bad luck with promises lately,” I muttered before I could stop myself. Ben’s bloody face flashed in my mind, just as he was about to be eaten by a Titan. “They don’t hold as much weight as they used to.”

Suddenly, his hand migrated to my shoulder, and he shifted me around to face him. A blush spread up my neck and across my face as I found myself getting lost in those beautiful silver eyes of his. _You know, they actually look nice in the twilight sky_.

“I don’t make promises lightly, kid. When I say something, I mean it. So believe me when I tell you this: I promise I won’t let him, or anyone else, hurt you in any way. You deserve so much better than that.”

My voice was thick with unshed tears. “I…I do…?”

“Of course you do. Everyone does.” He turned me back around, keeping his hand on my shoulder. “Now shut up and enjoy the view. We don’t have that much light left, so admire it while you can.”

As the two of us continued to admire the city from above, I found myself scooting closer to him on the rooftop. Before long, my entire side was pressed against his, and his arm had lowered down to my waist. I didn’t feel scared—I felt protected. Although, he wasn’t the biggest fan of this position; I could tell by the way he kept his head tilted away from mine.

Maybe I could allow myself to believe in this one final promise of his. He seemed genuine enough. Maybe this promise was the real deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little author's note: if any of you are confused to how Levi knew where the ballroom and the balcony of the castle were, he ended up wandering the castle with Hanji when Leyna and Mia left to go to Leyna's room. I realized just now that I didn't write that bit in...but I don't want you guys to be confused! (Maybe it's just me being an overthinker...) 
> 
> Levi sure has a weird way of comforting people, but he does his best. Although he keeps it to himself, he's definitely protective of Mia (and maybe even a little jealous). While he doesn't have the full story about what went on between her and Jax, he's still willing to act as her shield and make her feel safer. And Mia...poor Mia, she has to learn she can't run away from her problems all the time. Sooner or later, she'll have to come clean with herself and confront Jax. She can't live in fear of him forever, especially with how manipulative he is. And Jax's role in the story will definitely be elaborated on in the next couple chapters. Even though he's a pain to write (and an overall prick), he's here to stay for a while. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think! Thank you so much for reading, and I hope to see you for the next chapter! :)


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I have no excuse for this chapter. It is shameless self-fulfillment at its core. I didn't plan to have a chapter like this, but it was a random idea that popped into my head, and I somehow managed to work it into the story. It's a little more lighthearted than the previous chapters, but I think it's still important in terms of Mia's feelings. 
> 
> This is a NSFW/smut warning, just so you guys know. This chapter contains VERY suggestive material and a little bit of smut towards the end. This is the turning point - from here on out, pay attention to the story's tags. Also, this is my first time writing anything smut-related (even though this chapter doesn't have any REAL smut), so go easy on me! I've never published anything like this before, so I'm both excited and terrified to hear your feedback. 
> 
> (Also, expect to get a little personal with Mia. You'll see soon enough.)

|XXVI|

It wasn’t long before Levi began shaking me awake. I had ended up resting my head on his shoulder, and when I opened my eyes again, the sky above us had grown black and star-filled. The rough material of his military jacket was scratching my cheek, but I didn’t mind. It was surprisingly cold for a spring night, and he was warm.

“Come on, kid, get off.” At this point, he was nudging his shoulder up and down, trying to shake me off. “You’re too heavy.”

I rolled my eyes and fought against him, keeping my head glued to his shoulder. “Oh, stop it. I don’t weigh that much.”

There was a pause, and for a moment, I thought I had won the argument. Suddenly, he shifted his head, so his chin was right against my forehead, and his lips were on the top of my head. I shivered as his hand trailed down to the base of my spine.

“You seem to have a habit of falling asleep on me. Are you really that drawn to me?”

My bottom lip found its way in between my teeth at his deep voice, and it wasn’t long before I tasted a hint of blood. _Damn it!_ He knew exactly how to make me feel weak and powerless. But it wasn’t in a bad way, and that’s what confused me.

I swallowed the growing lump in my throat, nearly jumping out of my skin when his fingers brushed against my lower back. _Thank the Walls he can’t see my face right now_. “M-maybe you’re just…comfortable to s-s-sleep on.” I squeezed my eyes shut; my face was scalding at this point. “I c-can’t help that…”

What did he want me to say? It’s not like I _planned_ to fall asleep on him every time we hung out together. It was just something that happened randomly. And it didn’t help that I was already exhausted from my earlier encounters with Leyna and Jax. When I was tired, I was tired. I had no control over my sleeping habits.

“Is that so?” I grit my teeth—I could practically _hear_ the smirk in his voice! “I didn’t know you liked me _that_ much, Mia.”

 _There it is again!_ The way he spoke my name just… _did_ something to me. I didn’t know whether or not it was his actual voice, the tone he spoke it in, or just the way he drawled it out. Whenever I heard it drop from his lips, I wanted to curl up and hide myself away from him. But at the same time, it was so _thrilling_.

I buried my face deeper into his shoulder, bumping my forehead against his chin. He pulled away briefly and stifled a laugh. “Your face is all red. Why is that?”

I kept my mouth shut, still chewing on my bottom lip. _I’m not going to answer that, damn it!_

He placed his mouth against my head again. This time, when he spoke, I could feel his lips moving against my hair. “Don’t ignore me. You’re always so shy around me, and I want to know why.”

When I stayed silent, he let out a low chuckle. Unfortunately, before I realized what was going on, his arm had found itself around my shoulders. He pulled me away from his body and tilted my head up with his free hand. His thumb gently grazed the skin on the left side of my face, tracing over the thin white scar.

“Am I making you nervous, Mia?”

I was surprised I hadn’t fainted yet. This was the closest we had ever been, and it was starting to stir up memories of our previous intimate encounters (if you could even call them that). The hand that was currently brushing against my burning cheek was the same one that had caged me in against the bookcase in my office over a month ago. My own hands, which were folded tightly together in my lap, had pressed themselves to his bare arm when I patched up his injury, and felt his heartbeat when he tried to kiss me. And those lips— _oh my God, why am I even looking at them_ —had come so close to mine that night in the forest.

And they would have touched mine, if I hadn’t been such a coward.

The thought sent another chill down my spine. Was I regretting that night? Did I wish now that I hadn’t pushed him away, that I had let him kiss me? What would have changed between us if I hadn’t stopped him? Would anything be different between us if I had let him do what he wanted with me?

Those silver eyes wouldn’t leave my own. There was no way out of this. He was waiting for an answer, and he was going to make sure I gave him one.

“…Uh, y-yes…but in a good way!”

_What the fuck?! Why did I just say that?! Oh my God, I’m such an idiot! Why do I always have to embarrass myself in front of him?! Why can’t I ever hold one normal conversation with him?!_

_I wouldn’t blame him if he pushed me away right now. I’m such a weirdo! Why does he even spend time with me? He knows how awkward I can get in these situations!_ _Ugh, just put me out of my misery already…_

He stifled another laugh, the smirk never leaving his face. “Well, that’s good to know.” But he didn’t lean in closer like I thought— _or hoped_ —he would. Instead, he moved his hand to the top of my head and mussed up my hair. “You’re not moving away from me anymore.”

 _I’m…I’m not?_ Indeed, I hadn’t moved away from him once during our time on the roof of the castle. When his face hovered over mine, I didn’t feel the need to push him away. In fact, I actually liked the feeling of his body against mine. He was warm and comforting, and it didn’t hurt that he made me feel safe and protected.

“…I guess not…”

The blush on my face only worsened, so I hid my face in his shoulder again. A cross between a groan and a chuckle left his mouth, but he made no physical move to chase me away. “Get off, kid. If you’re going to sleep, you might as well do it in your own bed. And I’m not carrying you in again.”

 _Stop reminding me of that!_ It was embarrassing enough when we were within the walls of our own base. I would be mortified if any of the Military Police soldiers or noblemen roaming the castle caught him carrying me down the hall to my room. I didn’t even want to think about what Leyna would say if she happened to come across us in that position.

I kept my head where it was, humming softly as I snuggled against him. “But you’re warm.” _Oh well, I guess I can’t embarrass myself any more than I already have_.

“I couldn’t care less, brat. Now get off.” When I didn’t make a move, he shifted himself closer to me. All of a sudden, his breath was brushing against my right ear, and his voice dropped even lower than usual. “If you don’t move right now, I’ll just _make_ you move.”

Vibrations raced through my neck and all the way down to the base of my spine. I was torn. On one hand, I was satisfied with my fill of flirting for the night. I didn’t want any more; I was already too flustered. I didn’t want to take a misstep and accidentally ruin our friendship. Hopefully it wouldn’t be affected too much by tonight’s events.

But on the other hand, I wanted to see where this would lead to. What would he do to me if I stayed where I was? Would his hand move from my shoulders to another part of my body? If so, where would he go? Where did I want him to go? His fingers were rough and scarred, but it gave me a thrill to think about them running over my arms and legs. _Maybe my chest, my stomach, my legs—would I let him go even lower, if he asked to? Maybe he wanted to trace the skin of my inner thighs, to travel upwards and—_

My eyes shot open the second I felt an uncomfortable jolt in between my thighs. _What the hell am I thinking about right now?! What is wrong with me?! Of all the times I could have started having suggestive thoughts about him, it had to be when he’s right next to me? Nice job, Wolf! You’re such a fucking idiot!_

I had to get out of here, before my mind decided to take another unexpected turn. I pressed a hand to his chest— _remember what it looks like without this shirt_ —and pushed myself away from him. His arm loosened around me and retreated back to his side. Immediately, the chilly air started to caress my red face. Already I missed his warmth.

_But I can’t exactly snuggle with him when I’m in this state of mind. I have to get out of here. The last thing I want is for him to catch on to what I’m thinking about._

I stared at my hands, which were balled up into fists on my lap. What was wrong with me? I hadn’t had _those_ kinds of thoughts in over a decade! And now all of a sudden I was letting them back into my mind as if nothing had happened? Intimacy scared me, especially the sexual kind…so why were those thoughts creeping up on me now?

_Ugh, I blame Levi and his shitty teasing. Yeah, that **has** to be the reason why I’m so nervous. _

He started moving toward the edge of the roof and down the ladder of bricks sticking out of the side of the wall. When I stayed put, he raised an eyebrow at me. “You coming or what?”

 _What a choice of words_. “Y-yeah, I’ll be right down.” When he was a good distance away, I began to follow him down the aging bricks.

When we were both back on the balcony of the fourth floor, he started to lead me down the hall, toward the flight of stairs at the end. I kept close to his side, nervously glancing behind me to make sure no one was following us. By the fourth time I had done so, I felt his hand reach up and rest on my head.

“I’ll walk you back to your room, if you want. He’s not going to come near you, kid.”

Even though I was still flustered from our previous interaction on the rooftop, I was grateful for his protection. I wrung my hands together, inching closer to his body as we reached the stairs. “…Th-thanks, Levi…”

My only answer was a grunt. “Don’t mention it, kid.”

The two of us made it down the stairs and onto the third floor. However, before we could make it any further, a feminine voice called out to me.

“There you are, Mia!”

I turned around just in time to see Sara Meyer jogging toward me. She had her light brown hair tied back in its usual French braid over her right shoulder, and her hazel eyes were blown wide with relief. She stopped a few feet in front of us, sparing Levi a soft glance. I blushed when I realized his hand was still on my head, so I brushed it off with groan.

“What is it, Sara?”

“The girls want to catch up, if you don’t mind. It’s…been a while since we’ve all talked, hasn’t it?”

My eyebrow shot up. Sara wasn’t as annoying as Leyna, but she wasn’t one to actively seek me out for a friendly chat. In fact, _none_ of Leyna’s girlfriends had ever shown much interest in me whenever I visited the capital with the other Scouts. More or less, they shared the same mindset with Leyna when it came to me: they thought I was a suicidal idiot for wanting to join the Survey Corps in the first place. If they wanted to talk to me all of a sudden, there had to be a reason behind it.

“Well, alright, I guess.” I just didn’t want to have to walk back to my room all alone at night. Jax was still inside the castle, as far as I knew.

Levi’s arm brushed against mine. “I’ll let Hanji know, if you want. Maybe she can stop by later, if you want.”

“Yeah, sounds good. She knows where Leyna’s room is by now.” I shot him a thankful smile and wrapped an arm around his waist in a half-hearted hug, trying to ignore the growing blush on my face. Then, turning away so Sara wouldn’t see us, I whispered, “Make it quick. I can only take so much of Leyna’s friends at one time.”

When he nodded, I broke away and joined Sara. Her fingers circled around my wrist and gently tugged me behind her. Although I knew I was safe with Sara, I felt bad for leaving Levi behind. I managed to give him a farewell wave before we disappeared down the nearest corner of the hall.

Sara and I walked in silence, and eventually, her hand let go of my wrist. I found myself matching her brisk pace as she led me up the stairs toward the tower of the castle. Just like I thought, we were heading to her bedroom—the one she shared with my sister.

Even in our cadet days, we weren’t that close with each other, so it didn’t surprise me when an awkward silence began to form around us. Sure, she was nice enough to me and Hanji, and she often spoke up in our defense whenever she deemed Leyna as treating us too harshly, but we had never really been friends. We didn’t run in the same circle, and our personalities were too different to ensure a long-lasting friendship. Still, if I had to choose to spend time with one of Leyna’s friends in the King’s Guard, it would be Sara, no doubt about it.

“So,” I began a little nervously, “what do you and the girls want to talk about?” Judging by the way she was smirking, I could only imagine what they had in store for me.

“You’ll see.”

_Levi said the same thing earlier, but I’m not as excited as I had been when he said it._

_Cut it out, Wolf! You don’t need to be having those kinds of thoughts right now! What is **wrong** with you?! You’re not attracted to Levi, so stop acting like you are! _

Thankfully, I didn’t have much time to scold myself. Sara had led me to the fifth floor in the tower, and now, she was fiddling with the lock on the third room on the left. I had already been here before today, but there was no need to point that out.

The lock clicked at the gold key in her hand, and she pushed the door open. She wasted no time in shoving me inside and shutting the door behind us. I swallowed hard when I saw Leyna sitting on her bed, her legs crossed over one another.

There were two other girls in the room. The one sitting on Sara’s bed had beautiful brown eyes and long black hair pulled up in a ponytail. The one sitting on the floor between them had dark blond hair and sea green eyes. She was clutching a pillow close to her chest, smiling widely at me. In fact, every girl in the room was grinning like a maniac at me, minus my sister, of course.

Sara was the first to speak up. “Mia, this is Vivienne”—the black-haired girl nodded—“and Elise.” This time, the blonde waved eagerly at me. “They’re part of my squad. They wanted to meet you personally, so they asked me and Leyna to bring you over.”

So they were part of the Fifth Blade Squad. The King’s Guard was made up of multiple soldiers, with ten main guards and their respective squads. Five Shields, which made up the inner circle, spent most of their time following the king and serving as his personal protectors. The five Blades of the outer circle were a little more active, but they were more skilled than the Shields. Their job was to fight, and the Shields’ job was to protect. Each Blade and Shield was in charge of their own squad, which held roughly three or four soldiers each. Leyna’s own squad, the Fourth Blade Squad, had three members. I remembered the girl we had met earlier, Monika, with a smile. She had been part of Leyna’s squad, which meant she had been handpicked to join my sister’s elite team.

_Oh, this should be good._

“What brought this on?” They were typical MPs, thinking the Scouts were below them in every possible way. There was no way they were suddenly interested in meeting me out of the goodness of their hearts. There had to be a catch.

Elise leaned forward, her short hair barely brushing the back of her neck. “Who’s that guy we keep seeing you with? The one who keeps glaring at everybody?”

A cold sweat began forming at the back of my neck. “Y-you mean Levi?”

Her eyes shone. “So _that’s_ his name!”

My skin prickled. I didn’t like her tone. Hell, I didn’t like where this conversation was going. I could only imagine what they would want with him.

Leyna sighed, pushing herself off the bed—but not before nudging Elise harshly with the tip of her boot. “Sorry, Mia. They wanted to know about him. I couldn’t exactly refuse.”

 _Yes, you could have_. But Leyna didn’t like to think of the consequences her actions would have on others. I loved her, but damn it, she could be downright selfish sometimes.

“Wait… _that’s_ why you guys wanted to see me? To get dirt on _Levi_?!”

“Not dirt, _details_ ,” Sara corrected, pushing me toward the other girls. By now, Leyna had walked over to the window in the corner, so her bed was free for me to sit on. Sara pushed me down and sat down next to Vivienne on her own bed. “We just want to know what he’s like.”

I couldn’t wrap my head around this. They wanted to know about Levi? But why? Never before had they shown any special interest in the other Scouts, so why were they suddenly drawn to Levi? Was it his ever-present scowl or his mysterious aura? Had they heard of his criminal history or his skill out in the field?

_Maybe it was those silver eyes…_

I shook my head. “Why do you think I would know anything about him?!”

“Don’t play dumb, Mimi.” I flinched as my old nickname left Leyna’s tense lips. But when I turned around to gaze at her, her face was still turned toward the window. “We all saw you two earlier—how he dragged you out of the dining hall. And don’t forget, I caught you guys hugging earlier this afternoon.”

 _Damn it, it’s not what it looks like!_ But before I could protest, Sara cut me off: “We just haven’t seen him around here before, Mia. We want to know more about him. Besides, he seems like he spends most of his time with you, anyway. I mean, you guys were together when I found you.”

This caused Leyna to groan. I could only imagine her hand pressing against her forehead. “Mia, I _told_ you—”

“I know, and I don’t care!” I shot back, my veins flooding with anger.

It had only been a day, and I was already sick of hearing her stupid warnings. She didn’t know Levi like I did; she didn’t know how safe I felt when I was around him. Now that I knew Jax was in Mitras, I wanted to spend as much of my time as I could with him. I trusted him to keep me safe if we happened to cross paths with that asshole.

If I didn’t feel comfortable around Levi, I wouldn’t be hanging out with him. I wouldn’t be locking myself in his office to help with his handwriting, or allowing him to lead me into the forest at night so he could train me with my ODM gear. She had no idea what went on at our base, so she had no right to judge.

“He’s not as bad as you make him out to be,” I continued, crossing my arms over my chest. “He’s actually really considerate and caring. In fact, Hanji likes him a lot.”

“But he didn’t drag her out of the dining hall,” Vivienne spoke up, crossing her leg over the other and inspecting her nails. Now that I thought about it, she looked as if she was a couple years older than Sara. _Maybe she’s a transfer from another squad._ “He dragged _you_ out. _Only_ you.”

I swallowed hard. “What are you implying?”

Sara groaned and shook her head. “Mia, no offense, but you’re kind of dense.” _Sheesh, thanks a lot!_ “You’re dating, right? Don’t deny it.”

A shriek ripped from my throat at her words. “What?! No! Absolutely not! We’re not—” But no matter how many times I repeated those words, the three smirking faces around me told me they didn’t believe a damn thing.

Where would they get an idea like that?! Surely we didn’t look—or act—like a couple to begin with, right? Boyfriends and girlfriends typically acted like they loved each other, to begin with. They acted like Leyna and Emil had: smiling at one another, offering bits of food from their plates, and constantly praising each other. Levi and I had sat next to each other awkwardly, until Jax had stepped in and tried to make conversation. We weren’t couple material, end of story.

But as I began to think back to the whole debacle in the dining hall, I felt my stomach sink to my shoes. Levi _had_ practically yanked me out of the room and down the castle halls. And if anyone saw him pushing me into the empty ballroom, there was no doubt they would just assume we were a young couple, eager to lose ourselves in each other’s pleasure.

“Look at her! She’s blushing! You were right, Sara!”

“Of course I am. It was obvious the minute I saw them together.”

“How old is he? Tell us everything!”

At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to slap my hands over both their mouths. To her credit, Vivienne was quiet, only glancing up and nodding at me in approval. It was Sara and Elise who couldn’t keep their traps shut. Meanwhile, Leyna continued to stare out the window, her back still facing me.

_I guess I have no choice but to answer them. They won’t leave me alone unless I cave in… Might as well get it over with, Wolf._

“We’re _not_ dating. We’re just friends. And to answer your question…” I shifted on the bed, kicking off my boots and crossing my legs together on the sheets before me. “He’s not much older than me.”

Elise let out a whistle at this. “Whoa! Leyna, your sister’s scoring an older man!”

 _Not so loud, damn it! I don’t want the whole castle to know what we’re talking about!_ “He’s not—”

The bed suddenly squealed as another person added their weight to it. Leyna was at my side in a flash, shoving her face into mine. I had to lean back into the pillows in order to maintain basic personal space.

“How much older, Mia?” I bit my lip as her bright blue eyes melded with mine. I had never seen her look so scary, not even when she used to yell at me and Ben for wandering too far away from her during our days as cadets. “Answer me. How old is he?”

There was no going back now. She wasn’t going to let me off the hook that easily. So I hung my head and mumbled, “Twenty-nine.”

“You’re dating someone four years older than you?!”

“We’re not dating, damn it! We’re just friends!”

Why couldn’t they get that through their thick skulls?! It was possible for a man and a woman to simply be friendly with each other. I had been friends with plenty of other guys during our cadet days, especially Blaise Becker, Ben’s best friend who ended up joining the Garrison with him. And now, I was on friendly terms with the other male soldiers in the Survey Corps, including Commander Erwin. Why didn’t the same standard apply to Levi?

“No, he doesn’t look at you like that.”

All eyes were on Vivienne, who was currently leaning against Sara’s headboard with her elbows resting on her knees. The black-haired girl’s eyes trailed lazily around the room; despite this, she seemed to be paying the most attention out of all of them. At least she hadn’t jumped on the “Mia-is-obviously-dating-Levi” wagon— _yet_.

“Someone like him probably doesn’t let too many people get close to him,” she continued in a soft voice. “You can see it in his face. He may have thought of you as a friend at one point, but now, he’s giving you those bedroom eyes. It’s so obvious.”

I couldn’t keep my eyebrows from knitting together. Bedroom eyes? I had heard the term before, but I wasn’t sure what it meant. Anna had mentioned it a few times with Lilly and the other girls, when we used to live with each other in the girls’ barracks back at the base. But during those little meetings, Hanji and I always tuned them out and turned our attention back to our books or our own conversation.

“…What do you mean?” To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know what she meant.

Vivienne’s brown eyes met mine as soon as the words left my lips. “You know, bedroom eyes. Where he looks at you and you can just tell he’s down to fuck?”

I almost choked on my own spit at her bluntness. As I sputtered and pounded my fist against my chest, I could hear Leyna groaning from beside me. “Vivienne! Don’t use that kind of language around her.”

“What? It’s true.”

My head felt as though a herd of horses had just galloped on top of it. Once I had recovered from Vivienne’s choice of words, I pondered over what she had said. _Levi_ and the phrase _bedroom eyes_ did _not_ belong in the same paragraph, much less the same sentence.

Not once had he looked at me like that! Whenever his eyes met mine, I never got that weird, intimate vibe I had gotten the night Jax had tried to… Never mind. Levi wasn’t like that, and I was glad for that. I was able to have a normal friendship with him, and that was all I wanted at this point. I had no desire to see him in any other light.

Still, Vivienne’s words struck something within me. She could tell that Levi didn’t keep too many people close to him—perhaps she was an expert at reading people, as well. Upon meeting him, the only people he hung around with had been Furlan and Isabel. Now that they were gone, he had three main people he constantly spent time with: Commander Erwin (of course), Hanji, and myself. He wasn’t the easiest person to get along with, and you kind of had to get used to his cold demeanor.

Even though he had chosen me as one of the people he considered a friend (maybe that was a stretch, even for him), I didn’t get that romantic vibe from him. Sure, he teased me constantly and loved ruffling my feathers, but it never went past that. He didn’t seem serious in pursuing a romantic relationship; to be honest, I didn’t think he ever would.

“I…I don’t think he sees me that way…”

I almost sounded _depressed_ when the words fell from my mouth. I mentally kicked myself the moment the thought crossed my mind. What was I thinking? I didn’t like Levi like that, and he certainly didn’t like me that way, either. We were just friends, no matter what anyone said.

Vivienne scoffed and leaned further back against the pillows. “Don’t sell yourself short, kid. Guys work in strange ways; I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s pining for you at this point.”

My skin was riddled with gooseflesh at this point. I didn’t like thinking of Levi in this light. Nothing good could come of it.

“She’s right,” Sara said with a smile. “You can never really tell what they’re thinking sometimes. Actually, I think we girls are just as confusing to them sometimes. He’s kind to you though, right? He treats you well?”

It was like being interrogated by Hanji all over again. _I hope Levi sends her after me soon._ There was only so much more of this torture I could take. “Yeah, he’s fine. We help each other out when we need it, too. Like I said, we’re just friends.”

But that wasn’t enough for the blonde sitting on the floor. She kicked out her legs and leaned against the nightstand between the two beds, keeping the pillow splayed out on her lap. “I don’t believe that. You like him, admit it.”

My cheeks grew red instantly. “No, I don’t. Stop it. We’re just friends.” _How many times do I have to repeat myself?_

“Is he a transfer? I feel like we would’ve seen him already if he was. Did he join the Scouts recently?”

At least Sara was asking reasonable questions, even if they were getting a little tedious at this point. But I wasn’t about to blurt out his entire backstory to her, either. It wasn’t fair to him to tell everyone what had happened to Isabel and Furlan. Besides, he was the kind of person who wouldn’t want someone’s pity, especially if it wasn’t genuine. I knew him well enough to know that.

“Well…not exactly. He just impressed Commander Erwin with his ODM skills, and Commander Shadis allowed him to join. He may be self-taught, but I don’t know. He didn’t exactly grow up in an ideal area.” He still keeps his secrets from me, just as I keep mine from him.

Leyna scoffed again before standing up from the bed. “Self-taught? Yeah, right.” But before I could respond, she was already walking away.

As I watched her disappear into the bathroom behind me, I felt my hands curl into fists. She had no right to judge Levi or his past. He was just as brave as any other Scout, no matter where he came from. Maybe I wouldn’t have been able to say that about him when I first met him and his two friends, but he wasn’t that kind of person anymore. He might have joined the Scouts in order to kill Erwin, but he had changed since then. Now, he was a true member of the Survey Corps, dedicated to wiping out the Titans and reclaiming the world beyond the Walls in the name of humanity.

Goosebumps raised on my arms as I remembered the murderous glint in Levi’s eyes as he tried to slit Erwin’s throat the day our squad was butchered. It was hard to remember those same eyes, the ones that glimmered in the twilight sky, had been filled with so much hatred once. The hands that had gripped those bloodstained blades so tightly were the same ones that had brushed against my face and back not an hour earlier, on the roof of the castle.

I swallowed when I remembered how rough his hands felt against mine. How could something so hard feel so soft and tender at the same time? Those hands had spilled blood countless times—how could I find them comforting and protective?

 _He grew up in the Underground City, you dolt_ , I scolded myself. _Of course he has a violent streak. That’s not something someone can erase overnight._

Still, it wasn’t as though he scared me. I never felt unsafe when I was with him, like I thought he was about to hurt me. It was always the opposite. I trusted him to protect me, to save me from danger.

_To save me from Jax._

Elise let out a sigh of relief when the bathroom door shut behind my sister. “Thank the Walls she’s gone! Now we can get to the _good_ stuff.” Her green eyes were on me instantly. “Have you guys had sex yet? What’s he like?”

_What the fuck?! And I thought Vivienne was bad!_

I didn’t want to think about Levi like that! Anything along those lines was off-limits. I wasn’t about to discuss them with other people, either. I didn’t even want to think about it on my own!

“W-we’re not even dating!” _Why can’t they just listen to me?!_

Elise’s face fell at this. “Oh, that’s a bummer. He’s really good-looking. I bet he’s amazing in bed. He probably likes it rough, though.”

 _Stop it! I don’t want to think of that!_ My hands flew to my face in a feeble attempt to cover my burning cheeks. But no matter what I did, I could still feel everyone’s eyes on me.

_The last thing I want to think about is how Levi acts in bed! Seriously, what’s wrong with these girls?! That’s something you don’t really share with others, especially if you don’t know them that well!_

But at the same time, the thought of Levi in such a situation gave me a thrill. My face grew even hotter as I remembered my _indecent_ thoughts from earlier, when we were still on the rooftop together. I was startled at how easy it was for me to picture him sprawled out on the bed in my office, with the sheets pooling around his waist and thighs.

For some reason, I didn’t shy away from the images flashing across my mind. Whenever I thought of Jax, the possibility of being intimate with him always made me nervous. It didn’t help that he had tried to take advantage of me on the night of our graduation ceremony, either. But I had been young back then; I hadn’t given much thought to intimacy over the years. Obviously my outlook on it was bound to change.

Now, I wasn’t that scared by it—not if we were talking about Levi. I could just imagine how his chest would feel against mine, or how his hands would run up and down my sides. He would be gentle, no matter what came out of Elise’s mouth. He wouldn’t be rough and inconsiderate. He knew me better than that.

My lip stung, and I tasted blood. I had to stop now. I didn’t want to encourage myself with these lewd thoughts.

Sara shook her head at the blond girl perched on the floor. “Stop it, El. You’re scaring her. They obviously haven’t gone that far yet.”

_Uh, thanks, I guess…?_

But her words did nothing to deter the attention of the two other girls. Thankfully, Leyna was still preoccupied in the bathroom. It would be a little while before she could come out and spare me from this torture. They didn’t dare speak of such intimate things whilst my older sister was in the room.

_Hanji, save me now! I can’t take this anymore!_

“But that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t _try_ to get him to like her that way.” Elise was an optimist at heart, I could tell. “To be honest, I’m a little jealous. He seems so comfortable around you. A lot of girls would love to be in your position, Mia.”

 _Yeah, I doubt it_. If they knew how we really acted around each other, they wouldn’t be such fans of it. The constant teasing, the back and forth insults, the long hours of training under the trees at night.

But I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy all of that.

“I’ll be honest with you.” I swallowed hard as I met Vivienne’s half-lidded eyes. “He looks like the kind of guy who would bend you over his desk and take you from behind.”

This time, I wasn’t the only one who squealed. Sara raised her hand and gave Vivienne a sharp slap on her leg, and Elise scrunched up her face, completely baffled at the black-haired girl’s forwardness. And me? I had my hands pressed against my ears, not wanting to hear any more of this godforsaken conversation.

_I don’t want to see Levi like that! No, stop it! Shit, I can’t help it!_

The images were already pouring into my head, and I was powerless to stop them. Before I knew it, the room around me disappeared, and I was left alone with my thoughts. I could see Levi in front of me, but only for a second. Then, I could feel the cold surface of his desk pushing against my chest, my hands gripping the edge as he hovered over me from behind.

I imagined his breath fanning the back of my neck and my ear, just as it had before. His hands would trail up my shirt and over my stomach, keeping me trapped between him and the desk. A moan bubbled up in the back of my throat as I thought of his hips grinding against mine as his mouth left a trail of hot kisses down the side of my neck.

The space between my thighs tingled, just like how it had earlier, when I buried my face into his shoulder. Beads of sweat were already starting to form on my forehead. I didn’t want to admit it, but these thoughts were starting to…make me _excited_.

I had to get out of here now.

“Holy shit, Vivienne!” Sara was acting like a mother now, which I would have found amusing if I wasn’t so flustered. “I don’t want you scarring Leyna’s little sister. She doesn’t need to hear that kind of talk, especially from _you_.” The way she said it, I could only imagine that Vivienne had a history with guys.

_I mean, I guess I’m not surprised, given the way she talks about them. She sounds like she has a bit of experience, unlike me._

But Vivienne only rolled her eyes. “Oh, come off it, Sara. You know I’m right. A guy with eyes like that? He’s definitely into some dominant shit.”

_What the hell?! Stop it, girls!_

“…I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s a little kinky,” Elise admitted, tracing patterns on the pillow in her lap.

I groaned out loud, gripping the loose strands of my hair that had fallen out during the day. _I don’t need to hear this kind of crap!_ “Would you guys quit it already?! It’s not like that! _We’re_ not like that!”

The more they talked about it, the more uncomfortable I could feel myself growing. If I was going to think about Levi in a suggestive manner at all, I would want to do it in the privacy of my own office or bedroom, where I wouldn’t be judged. I didn’t want my sister’s friends and fellow Military Police soldiers to catch on to the fact I was practically trembling from the waist down.

There was just something about the thought of Levi acting like that. It was alluring, and almost addictive. I knew it would never happen between us, but the thought of him holding me in such a way only intensified the blush on my face. And it didn’t help that the memories I had of him with his shirt off kept replaying over and over in my mind.

_I don’t need to get all hot and bothered over this. Hanji, where are you?! Better yet, where’s Leyna?!_

“You’re not like that _yet_ , but you will be,” Vivienne reassured me, ignoring the disapproving glance Sara shot her way. “You just have to know what to do when you’re around him. Take it from me, honey. I’ve been with the same guy since our cadet days, and he’s never left my side.”

She inched closer to the edge of the bed, her legs dangling off the side. She leaned closer to face me, her brown eyes burning right into mine. Up close, she was incredibly beautiful. It was no wonder her apparent boyfriend had stayed with her for so long. She was gorgeous, with her small pink lips and silky black hair. A few dark strands gathered around her ears, and her bangs were perfectly swept to the right side. In short, she was stunning.

“Make him want you, Mia. Give him the doe eyes. Beckon him closer. Brush up against him. Make it so that he can’t wait to fuck you.” Again, I flushed brightly at her choice of words. “And when it feels like he can’t take any more, you show him a good time.”

One glance at Elise and Sara told me they wouldn’t be giving me a way out. I had to play along for now. _Well, I guess it’s better to pick up a few tips from someone who actually knows what they’re doing, right?_

“…How do I do that?” _If I’m going to learn, I might as well learn to do it right_.

She seemed taken aback at my answer. “My God, you _are_ innocent.” My bottom lip stuck out at this. “Well, start with a simple handjob. You know what that is, right?”

“Of course I do!” I squeaked out. I wasn’t that innocent! An unfortunate conversation with Hanji, Charlotte, and the other girls in our cadet days had informed me what it was.

“Alright, I’m just checking,” she said, holding her hands up in surrender. I could see a faint smile beginning to take shape on her mouth. “If you feel comfortable, let it escalate into a blowjob. He’s bound to go crazy over that.”

I had heard stories of the other cadets in the girls’ barracks, even before I started dating Jax. A few of the older girls absolutely loved telling the younger ones about their trips to the boys’ barracks and what they learned. They always described them in too much detail, which resulted in me and Hanji groaning and tuning them out. But sometimes I caught the tail-ends of their conversations.

A popular site for such “midnight gatherings” was the hayloft of the barn, where we kept a few of our training horses. I had never gone to visit there myself, but apparently it was a good place to spend time without getting caught. Another site was the pond to the south of the training grounds. We had a few cabins set up there, so no one would really bother you if you decided to camp out in there once in a while.

They were all secretive spots with a low risk of getting caught by the authorities. The older girls had told us all about them, and what to do if we ever found ourselves over there with a boy. At the time, I had been disgusted and shoved those thoughts aside. Now, I was thinking that either my own office or bedroom would serve as a place that was secretive enough for such activities.

My inner thighs quivered at the thought of being _that close_ to Levi. So close to a part of him that I knew he wouldn’t let just anyone near. He was too closely guarded to have people _near_ him on a regular day—I couldn’t imagine what he would be like in a sexual situation. Maybe he wouldn’t even let me near him in that way to begin with…

“Alright, that’s enough!” Sara suddenly pulled Vivienne back onto the bed by her shoulder, glaring at her with fierce hazel eyes. “Stop it right now. Leyna doesn’t need you acting as a bad influence for her sister.”

As she continued to bicker with Vivienne and Elise, I kept my mind focused on the possibility of Levi in such a suggestive position. My fingers tingled as I imagined running them over his strong thighs and muscled abdomen. I tasted blood on my lips again when I thought about how he would feel against my body—how he would run his hands through my hair and push me further down—

 _Fuck, not here. I can’t think about that kind of stuff in front of other people. Maybe later, but not around the other girls_.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard the bathroom door open up behind me. _Great timing, Leyna_ , I thought bitterly as my sister sat down on the bed beside me. I willed the blush on my face to vanish before she noticed.

“Feeling okay, Leyna?” Sara asked with a small smirk.

My sister frowned and shrugged her shoulders. “Fine. I guess that dinner was a little too rich for me. Thought I would be sick for a moment.”

Finally, as if the angels above had heard my complaints, there was a harsh knock at the door. Sara was the first to get up to see who it was. When she opened it up, my bespectacled friend burst in, her eyes wide behind her shiny glasses.

“Mia! I’ve been looking for you! Come on, it’s time to go to bed!”

 _Thank you, Hanji!_ I fought back a smile as I climbed off the bed. “Alright, I’m coming.”

Then, I cleared my throat and turned to the group of girls around me. Hopefully Hanji couldn’t sense the awkwardness I was emitting. I mean, Elise was smirking mischievously at me, and Vivienne was gazing at me with half-lidded brown eyes.

“…It was nice meeting you.” _And thanks for the sex tips_. Now I just needed someone to practice them on—and I knew for a fact it wouldn’t be Levi. “Hopefully we’ll see each other soon.”

As the girls waved goodbye to me, Leyna gave me a brief hug. There was no doubt I would be seeing her again tomorrow—sometimes the King’s Guard attended these military conferences, along with the king himself. There was a good chance she would witness our meeting with the nobles tomorrow morning.

As soon as I could, I followed Hanji out of the room and down the hall. Finally, I could breathe easily again. I was free from that cramped room with too many girls asking too many questions. I no longer had to answer them and cater to their every whim. And thankfully, I didn’t have to engage in any more talk about Levi and our relationship—or lack thereof.

Once we were walking down the stairs toward the second floor, Hanji turned to me. Just as her eyes fell on me, a cold, sinking feeling began forming in the pit of my stomach. I knew what she was about to ask me. I had been able to put it off, since I was spending time with Levi and the girls, but now I was all hers. And she was determined to get some answers out of me.

“We have to talk.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

But she wouldn’t do it right out here in public. No, she would wait until we were safe in the confines of our shared room, and then she would interrogate me.

We reached the room all too soon for my liking, and once we were inside, Hanji shut the door sharply and locked it. I could feel her eyes on me as I began digging through the backpack on my bed, searching for my pajamas. All I wanted to do after today was to take a hot shower and curl up in my bed.

“Why didn’t you tell them the truth about Jax?”

Hanji wasn’t one to dodge the question. She asked you outright, especially if she was bothered by whatever she was asking. She was persistent, I’ll give her that much.

“It’s not a big deal anymore.”

Suddenly, I felt her hand on my shoulder, just as I managed to pull out my sleepwear. I stiffened under her touch. As much as I wanted to nestle myself in her arms and sleep, I had to keep my composure. I had to prove to her I could be strong, or else she would never leave me alone.

“Mia, that bastard hurt you. Why don’t you turn him in? I’ll back you up, you know I will. And I know Leyna will, too.”

“No, absolutely not.” This time, I turned and faced her fully. Her brown eyes were glazed with sadness, but I didn’t care. She could put up with this—it was my decision, after all. “They don’t need to worry about it. So drop it.”

She wanted to say more, but she kept her lips sealed. I knew she wouldn’t ever understand. If she had her way, Jax would have been thrown in jail and possibly tortured the day after our graduation ceremony. And at one point, I would have agreed with her. I would have given everything to see that bastard behind bars, to make sure he never hurt me again.

But a decade had passed since then. I was a different girl now, and he couldn’t hurt me anymore. Seeing him again for the first time in years had no effect on me in the long run. I could do what I had always done in difficult situations: I would ignore him. He was bound to disappear eventually.

I shed my boots and jacket and threw them on the bed. I could still feel her eyes on me as I moved over to the closet to fetch a fresh towel. When I unbuttoned my shirt and tossed it on the bed, I thought she had finally given up.

“Mia.”

_Apparently not._

I looked at her over my shoulder, my hand pressed against the bathroom door. Even though I couldn’t see her eyes behind her glasses, I could tell they held all the softness in the world.

“Please, don’t hurt yourself. I’m here if you need me, you know I am. We _all_ are. So…don’t shut us out.”

I didn’t need to ask who she meant by “us”; it wasn’t that hard to piece together. Instead, I simply nodded and disappeared into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

I had to get Jax out of my mind. I would feel much better in the morning if I decided to forget about him sooner rather than later. I needed to keep my mind focused on something else—anything else.

As I stripped and stepped under the running water, I let my mind wander back to the girls in Leyna and Sara’s room. I replayed their words over and over again, trying to lose myself underneath the warm water of the shower. My cheeks started to burn when I remembered Vivienne’s advice on how to bring Levi to his knees.

I fought back a groan as my thighs began to shake again. These thoughts were getting out of hand. I knew they were wrong, and I would only end up hurting myself if I allowed them to continue. But I needed something to distract me, and at this point, I would take anything to get my mind off of Jax.

_Better to think of Levi rather than Jax._

I glanced at the door, checking to make sure the lock was still in place. I had to be quick and quiet. I didn’t want Hanji to get suspicious, if she decided not to fall asleep right away. The last thing I wanted was for her to catch me in the middle of such an unspeakable act.

Pressing my hand against the wall of the shower, I closed my eyes and let my hand travel down to my thighs. Despite my lack of interest in romantic affairs of any kind, I wasn’t a stranger to touching myself. I only did it once a while, and only if I was certain I was alone. It helped me sleep and relieve stress—at least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

Now, I was doing it for an entirely different reason. I had something—or _someone_ —on my mind as I carried on with the act. I jolted slightly as I grazed my fingers along my folds. They were already slick, and not from the shower—was I already that aroused? Just from thinking about Levi?

_I can’t let him find out. He’ll never speak to me again if he learns about this. I can’t ruin the bond we have—I can’t do that to him._

I sucked in a sharp breath as I slipped a finger in. When I closed my eyes, all I saw was Levi leaning against the doorframe of my bedroom, with the first few buttons of his shirt undone. The thought of his collarbone and chiseled chest only encouraged me to add another finger.

As I moved my fingers back and forth, I imagined myself pushing his shirt off his shoulders and shoving him onto my bed. Vivienne had insisted he would be the dominant one in bed, but _I_ was the one in charge of this fantasy. He would bend to my will, cater to my every wish. And picturing his face gazing back up at me from the sheets, with a light dusting of pink over his cheeks, was enough to make me pick up the pace.

Eventually, I shifted my position and leaned against the wall of the shower, feeling the water pool over my stomach and chest. I curled my free hand into a fist and shoved it against my mouth in a feeble attempt to stifle the moans that started to slip out. My eyes squeezed even tighter together as I rubbed my clit in tight circular motions with each thrust. All the while, I thought of all the things I would do to Levi in my bed.

I let my mind run rampant as I picked up the pace with my fingers. I thought of grinding my hips down onto his before leaving love bites on his throat and collarbone. I would move further down and busy myself with the buttons on his pants, yanking them down and leaving him bare before me. I could only imagine what he wore underneath them—how tight they would be, how big he would be, and how hard he would feel against my mouth.

That familiar coil began winding up in the base of my stomach. I was close. If I kept up the pace, it wouldn’t be much longer before I reached my peak.

The moans were getting harder to control. By now, my thighs were practically dripping as I slid my fingers in and out of myself. I slapped my hand over my mouth just in time to hold back an embarrassingly loud groan.

I had thought of my lips finding their way around his cock.

The coil was tightening. It wouldn’t be long before it snapped. I didn’t have much time. I had to—

_I’m sorry._

“ _Levi_!”

The word was soft and muffled behind my hand, but it was still audible. I bit down hard on the flesh between my thumb and forefinger, grunting in both pain and pleasure as the coil snapped. A gush of warmth flooded from my thighs and onto my fingers, trickling down my legs and joining the water droplets. I leaned my head back against the wall, breathing heavily as I struggled to come down from my high. It was a struggle to keep myself upright—my legs felt as though they would give out any second.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized I was still in the shower. At least now I didn’t have to worry too much about getting myself cleaned up. With a gasp, I pulled my fingers away from my folds and ran them underneath the spray, watching the juices disappear into the waterfall.

Maybe it was because I hadn’t done it in a while, or maybe it was the fact I actually pictured a physical person while pleasuring myself—or maybe it was something else entirely. Either way, that had been possibly the most satisfying orgasm I had ever experienced. I actually felt at peace with myself, and not at all guilty about what I had just done.

And I had achieved all of this while thinking of Levi.

I let my head hang underneath the water spout at this realization. I had actually done it. I had gotten off while thinking of him, even after I swore to myself I held no romantic feelings for him. I had imagined doing unspeakable things to him—even when I tried to recall them now, they made me blush uncontrollably. Had I really been that carefree in the midst of my pleasure? I wasn’t even attracted to him! I didn’t like him that way, right?

A groan flew past my lips; I had half a mind to slam my head into the shower wall and knock myself out. But I shook my head and focused on cleaning myself instead, all the while wondering what the fuck was wrong with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sara's squadmates are based off of a few girls I knew in my early years of college (unfortunately). Mia's reaction was basically my reaction to any of their "suggestive" conversations. I know how you feel, girl...
> 
> Although this chapter was an absolute blast to write, I was terrified to post it. I don't want things to move too fast for Mia, but I don't want this story to drag on for too long. I'm already pushing it with 68 chapters, and at Ch. 26, it's about time we have a little teaser. (Also, I'm looking for any excuse at this point to write flirty!Levi.) 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed! Let me know what you think, and don't be afraid to critique me on the smut! I know it's not perfect, but I'm still learning. Also, expect more of it in future chapters - but I'll give you guys a warning at the beginning of the chapter, don't worry! :)


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who's read this story so far! It really makes me happy when I see that so many of you are invested in it. You guys are awesome! Now, on with the chapter! :)

|XXVII|

By the time I had gotten out of the shower and into my pajamas, Hanji was already fast asleep on her bed, snoring loudly. I prayed with all my heart she hadn’t heard any suspicious noises coming from the bathroom; I would die of embarrassment if I had to explain to her what I had been doing in there.

That night, I couldn’t fall asleep. My eyes would stay shut; I kept staring up at the golden ceiling, listening to Hanji’s snores and incoherent murmurs in the bed beside me. All I could think of was how easy it had been to imagine Levi in such a suggestive position. I didn’t hesitate in the slightest to think about his body and what I would do to it. Even now, it didn’t take much effort for the thoughts to creep back into my head.

I hid my face under the covers, trying to ignore the burning sensation between my legs. Honestly, I blamed Leyna and her friends. If Vivienne hadn’t said all those suggestive things about him, I would have never started to see him in such a light.

I knew I needed to keep my mind off of Jax, and I had succeeded, to an extent. I wasn’t that worried about him anymore, now that my mind was preoccupied. But at the same time, I couldn’t keep using Levi as a distraction. It wasn’t fair to him, even if he would never find out. He deserved better than that, and I didn’t want to degrade our friendship to something I could use whenever I needed to relieve some stress.

I knew deep down that I had no romantic feelings for him. Sure, he could make me feel safe and excited, and I loved the time we spent together, but that was it. There was no chance what we had would ever escalate into something more serious. He didn’t seem like the kind of guy to pursue a girl that way. In the end, the only one who would end up getting hurt was me, who was stupid enough to let her heart get carried away.

But it was too late now. Once I started, I couldn’t go back. For God’s sake, I had _masturbated_ to the man! You couldn’t look at someone the same way ever again if you pleasured yourself to the thought of their face.

_How will I be able to face him tomorrow? I can’t act too suspicious—if I do, he’ll know something’s off right away. I don’t want him to think anything’s wrong with me. Besides, neither of us needs this right now. We have our meeting with the nobles tomorrow. We still have to make a good impression on them._

With a huff, I rolled onto my side and snuggled into the pillow. I just had to act natural, to pretend as though nothing had happened. Besides, I didn’t think it would ever happen again. The best thing I could do was ignore it, and I would eventually forget about it.

 _Sounds good to me_. With a groan, I shut my eyes and prayed for sleep to take me.

|~|

Bright and early the next morning, Hanji and I were in the dining hall, scarfing down a quick breakfast. Apart from a few Military Police soldiers sitting at the far end of the table, we were the only ones there. Thankfully, I couldn’t see a certain black-haired Scout anywhere in the room.

Judging by the way she had woken up this morning, it was safe to assume Hanji hadn’t heard me at all in the bathroom the night before. That was a relief—I was still in the clear. While we didn’t keep many secrets from each other, there were some things we just didn’t need to know about one another.

The doors to the hall suddenly opened, and I froze in the midst of chewing on the muffin in my hands. When I saw that it was only Mike and Ness, I fought to calm my racing heart and turned back to my breakfast. Hopefully, Hanji didn’t notice my slight jump.

The two men nodded to us and sat down across from us at the table. They wasted no time in turning to the baskets of fruit, muffins, and biscuits in between us. It would be a long day, so we all needed our energy.

I fought back a groan as I finished the rest of my muffin. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with the nobles today at the conference. I had been to so many of them I already knew what to expect. We would enter, the nobles would complain about our lack of success outside the Walls, they would pick apart our appearances and bring up our past failures, and once they were done, we would leave. They rarely decided on whether or not to keep our funds intact the same day—it could take roughly two weeks before we learned anything new from them. If we didn’t play our cards right, we would be sitting ducks until next year.

Mike’s eyes traveled from me to Hanji. A soft smile adorned his face. “Don’t act so nervous, girls. You’ll be fine.”

 _I guess it’s obvious, isn’t it?_ I was practically squeezing the life out of the remains of the pastry in my hand, and Hanji was working on her fourth plate of eggs and bacon. What could I say? We were nervous eaters sometimes.

“Nervous? Who said anything about being nervous?” But despite the brave face she put on, I could see the uneasiness in her eyes. Hanji was antsy, and she rarely ever got antsy. It was a little off-putting, honestly.

“I can practically smell your fear from all the way here.”

_Damn it! Curse him and his insanely strong sense of smell!_

Ness shook his head, his eyes softening as he looked at us. “You know the drill by now, girls. Just answer the questions they ask, keep your cool, and you’ll be done in no time. I doubt they’ll really consider defunding the Survey Corps to begin with. They always threaten to do it, but none of them ever have the guts to carry out with it.”

Well, he _did_ have a point. Even when my father had been a Scout, I heard him tell Ma stories about the royal government wanting to eliminate the Survey Corps from the military. They just couldn’t see the value in having a branch of soldiers wander outside the Walls and fight the Titans. But in the end, the Scouts always managed to pull through, and while our expeditions were few and far between, they still happened with the necessary funds backing them up. We couldn’t really complain, as long as we were still able to do our job.

But still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. Deep in the pit of my stomach, something told me that the stakes were higher this time. That the nobles in charge of the royal government were serious when they threatened the Scouts. Especially after the disaster that was the last expedition, it wouldn’t surprise me that they were reconsidering investing their money into our branch.

Suddenly, Hanji shot up from her seat, gripping her plate so tightly her knuckles were white. “I need another helping. You need anything, Mia?” The second I shook my head, she bolted toward the corner of the hall, where the buffet of breakfast food was set up.

With a shake of his head, Ness stood up, as well. “I should probably make sure she doesn’t clean them out.” With a friendly nod, he left the table and headed toward my brown-haired friend.

Now, it was just me and Mike.

The remains of my breakfast swirled around in my stomach. I had nothing against the man sitting across from me. Although we rarely spoke to each other, he was a good soldier, and we had known each other for years. But I didn’t like the way he was looking at me. He almost seemed…sympathetic.

But before I could open my mouth, he spoke up: “You don’t have to worry, Mia.”

My face flushed with heat. “W-what do you mean?”

“You’re scared the noblemen will bring up your previous squads, aren’t you? Now that you’re a Squad Leader again, you think they’ll mention your past experience.”

_Wow, he just gets right to the point, huh? Similar to Leyna and her friends, he didn’t like to dance around the main issue._

But I would be outright lying if I said I wasn’t scared of that. Mike was right on the mark, as usual. Deep down, I was terrified that the nobles would bring up my failures as a Squad Leader.

I hadn’t even been able to keep Rosalie and Emmett for a year before I let them die. And Flagon, Sairam, and Daisy? Forget about it—I had only been with them a couple months before they were killed. On two separate occasions, I had been left as the sole survivor.

_Well, not really. Don’t forget, Levi was also part of Flagon’s squad, and he made it out alive. Just barely, though._

Now, they were going to evaluate me and either support me or deem me unworthy to lead the Elite Reconnaissance Squad. Although the Commander of the Survey Corps had the authority to appoint and demote soldiers within our ranks, the royal government (and the nobles within) had the right to overrule any decision he might make. If they didn’t like my history with squads, they could remove me from my position as captain. They could place me back with the other soldiers and assign me to a different squad, deeming me too dangerous and unfit to lead. And I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

I mean, it had happened before. Commander Shadis hadn’t been the one to reassign me to Flagon’s squad after losing Emmett and Rosalie. It had been the royal government all along.

It took me a moment to realize Mike’s pale blue eyes were still on me. I cleared my throat and folded my arms against my chest, trying to keep my breakfast down. It was too early to start thinking about how Rosalie and Emmett died, and yet here I was.

“Okay, maybe I _am_ a little nervous. They have the final say in pretty much every decision Commander Erwin makes. It doesn’t matter that he thinks I’m fit to lead my squad; if the nobles don’t like me, they’ll throw me out. You saw it happen before.”

He nodded slowly at this. Indeed, he had been there when I returned from that horrid expedition in the year 844, without the two sixteen-year-old cadets under my command. He had been in the same room as me when the nobles ordered Commander Shadis to remove me from my position as Squad Leader. It didn’t matter to them that plenty of other squads had been wiped out before, and that other Squad Leaders hadn’t been forced to step down. Their word was law, and defying them equated to treason.

According to them, I was too dangerous. I was reckless and wild, and I was too young to be entrusted with a squad of my own. They also insisted I was mentally unstable, since I could barely hold my tears back when I recounted the events leading up to my cadets’ deaths. I knew Shadis didn’t agree with them—he had spoken out against them right then and there—but in the end, he was obliged to follow their orders.

“Then you make sure that doesn’t happen again. You walk in there, and you show them that you’re not the same person you were back then. You’ve grown up since then, but you have to prove it to them. Don’t let them walk all over you.”

His voice was soft but firm. I gave him a small smile when I realized this. He wasn’t all that talkative most of the time, but he was still trying to make me feel better.

I stretched out my hand and placed it on his. “Thanks, Mike. You’re a good friend.”

“Oh, don’t start to get all sappy on me.” He batted my hand away playfully, sending me a light smirk. This time, I felt a laugh bubble up in the back of my throat.

As much as Mike’s words helped me on the outside, I was still a wreck on the inside. I knew I had to kiss up to them, but I wouldn’t just play right into their hands. The Elite Reconnaissance Squad was _my_ squad—Reggie, Gretel, and Evan were _my_ cadets, _my_ kids. And no one was going to take them away from me, especially not some rich assholes who tucked themselves inside a cage all day and let other people do their fighting for them.

Mike was right. I wasn’t the same girl that had let Rosalie and Emmett down. I could be a capable leader someday, I was sure of it. I had already pledged myself to protecting my squad with my life, to make sure they always returned home safely. I was going to be their shield, and they were going to be my blades.

_I’ll make them understand—I have to. I’m not going to be pushed around by them any longer._

|~|

Roughly an hour later, Hanji and I were waiting outside the conference room, waiting for Commander Erwin to finish speaking to the nobles inside. Both Mike and Ness had sent us on our way with comforting shoulder pets and reassuring smiles, but they did almost nothing to calm us down. We were still too jittery: Hanji was pacing from one side of the hall to the other, and I was bumping my hands against the window ledge in an uneven pattern.

The two of us had been out here for almost ten minutes, and still, there was no sign of Levi. While part of me was thankful, since I didn’t have any idea how I would face him after last night’s events, I was also nervous. He hadn’t forgotten about the meeting today, right? No, he was too careful to let such an important meeting slip his mind. But then…where was he?

The last thing I wanted was for him to make a bad impression on the nobles. While I loathed them as much as the next person, I knew they had the power to destroy us in the blink of an eye. If they didn’t find Levi to their liking, they could force him to resign from the Survey Corps altogether. Thankfully, something like that had never happened in my lifetime, but they never hesitated to flaunt their power around.

_Hopefully they don’t know about his history in the Underground City. And even if they do, I hope they’ll go easy on them._

However, it wasn’t likely. Noblemen tended to look down on those who didn’t share their wealth. I had heard horror stories from my father when I was a cadet myself. Despite my family’s roots in Fuerth District and Ehrmich District, they still saw us as dirt on the bottom of their boots. And as soon as they heard we had move to Shiganshina, we were nothing more than southern trash to them. Dad had witnessed it firsthand too many times, and some of them had even talked down to Ma once or twice.

To this day, I couldn’t understand why Leyna had chosen to join the Military Police and cater to these pricks.

“I can’t take it anymore!” Hanji suddenly groaned, holding her head tightly. “I just want to get this over with!”

“You and me both,” I muttered. The sooner we went in, the sooner we could get out and go home. I was already starting to miss our little base between Trost and Karanes.

My hand found its way up my throat and around the little wolf charm resting against my skin. I had seen its twin around Leyna’s neck when I saw her yesterday. It was comforting to know she still wore it. It was almost like having a little piece of Ma and Dad and Ben with us. I needed them with me now more than ever.

No doubt Leyna was inside with Commander Erwin and the other nobles. While the king himself never attended these meetings and conferences, he had a few members of the King’s Guard speak in his stead. Usually, there would be three Blades and three Shields, and they would speak on behalf of their king.

I swallowed hard. It had been a stroke of luck that Leyna hadn’t sat in on the meeting in 844, where the nobles demanded that I resign as a Squad Leader. She still didn’t know what had happened to Rosalie and Emmett—hell, at this point, she didn’t even know they had existed. I hadn’t seen her since the year our father died, and the next time we crossed paths was the fateful trip to Mitras that led us to the Underground City—and Levi, Furlan, and Isabel.

“What’s your problem?”

I yelped at the sudden voice. I hadn’t even heard him come over! But there he was, standing right next to me near the window ledge.

“W-what? N-n-nothing, I p-promise! What gave you t-that idea…?” _By the Walls, don’t make a bigger idiot out of yourself, Wolf!_

Levi raised an eyebrow at me, that stoic look never leaving his face. Of course, he didn’t believe me. I was a terrible liar, and I knew it. “You look like you’re about to shit yourself. _Both_ of you do,” he added, motioning over to Hanji.

I grimaced at his language. “I-it’s just…” I didn’t want to mention Rosalie and Emmett to him—not now. Maybe someday I would, but not before we were about to walk into the meeting. I needed to keep a cool head. “…It’s always a l-l-little n-nerve-wracking, before a m-meeting like t-this.”

Still, he didn’t look impressed. “And? You said so yourself that you couldn’t care less what they thought about us. Where’s that confidence now?”

It was a different story when I knew the meeting was in the future. But now, when I was outside the room that held the people who would be determining my future as a Scout, I felt like the same fifteen-year-old cadet who stood among her peers at the Survey Corps orientation. So lost, so fragile— _so alone_.

A sigh left his lips, and suddenly, he was leaning next to me against the ledge, his elbow brushing up against my own. The moment I jumped, I could feel his silver eyes on me. Already I could feel my cheeks start to heat up.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t look him in the eye, not after what happened last night. I knew the second I looked at him, he would know something was wrong. He would know the real reason I was so jittery. At least now I was able to blame the nerves on the nobles we were about to see. But once the meeting was over, and I was still a nervous wreck, he would start asking questions.

 _Damn it, I hate that he’s so observant! Nothing gets past him—never!_ A bittersweet smile started to take shape. Had Furlan and Isabel dealt with this kind of problem with him? I could only imagine Isabel trying to hide something from Levi, and absolutely freak out when he told her he already knew.

Finally, the heavy doors swung open, and Erwin motioned us inside with a tight smile. With a hard swallow, I followed my fellow Scouts inside.

The conference room was large and elegant, much like the rest of the castle. The walls and ceiling were painted a beautiful silver shade, and the floor was a pristine white. Two golden chandeliers with freshly-lit candles hung above us, serving no other purpose than to flaunt the royal government’s wallet. The large windows on the three other walls already gave us plenty of sunlight to see each other.

Six individual stands were stationed on either side of the room: three for the Blades, and three for the Shields. Already, I could see Leyna, Sara, and Emil standing on the left side of the room behind their respected stands. The other Military Police soldiers, the three chosen Shields, were on the right side. Three additional podiums were stationed in the center of the room, facing a long oak brown table at the far end of the room. The four main members of the royal assembly were already seated, staring at us with cold eyes.

Each member stood for a specific pillar of society within the Walls: politics, economics, the military, religion, and social issues. Unfortunately, I had come to know each of their surnames (which they always answered to) and what they specialized in. The main member of the assembly, Aurille, sat in the center of the table, with his arms folded in front of him. He had brown hair and matching brown eyes, and he always wore an extravagant dark green coat with golden chains clipped across his chest. Like the other nobles within the inner Wall, he didn’t hesitate to show the commoners how much money and power he held. He was currently in charge of anything that fell under political matters, which fit his slimy personality, I had to say. I wasn’t like Leyna; politics had always bored and confused me.

The person to his right was known as Gerald, and he was in charge of any matters relating to the three branches of the military. While Premier Darius Zackly was the official head of the military, he rarely sat in on these meetings. Beside, Gerald ranked hier than Zackly, being appointed by the king firsthand. He wore the traditional olive green military overcoat and a red bolo tie, signaling his past experience with the Military Police. He was obviously the eldest of the four main members; his short blond hair was starting to thin out with lines of gray, and the wrinkles on his face were becoming more pronounced.

The man sitting to his left, at the far end of the table (closest to the Blades’ podiums), was Roderich, the head of religious matters. He was dressed in the black robes of the Order of the Walls, with the golden chain bearing the three goddesses—Maria, Rose, and Sina—draped along his neck. The man on Aurille’s right was Deltoff, who had light brown hair and eyes, and wore a handsome black suit over his white shirt. I grimaced at the cravat tied around his neck. Levi pulled it off so much better than a stuffy nobleman ever could.

I stepped up to the center podium silently, with Hanji and Levi at my side. I bit my lip when I heard the doors shut behind us. Erwin had told us earlier that the nobles didn’t want to see him today. They only wanted the recently-appointed Squad Leaders. Apparently, they wanted to see how we acted without our Commander standing over our shoulders.

My heart leapt in my throat when I saw a fifth member sitting at the end of the table on the right side. Jackson Meyer flashed me a smile and leaned forward in his seat, his dark blue eyes never leaving mine. As much as I wanted to look away, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Hanji noticed him, too—I could tell by the way her shoulders tensed up. But a sideways glare from me made her stop gripping the edge of the wooden podium so hard. I didn’t need her to make a scene—not now, not ever. Neither of us needed that right now.

_I’ll just have to ignore him. I can complain about him later, once this is all done. The sooner we can get on with it, the sooner we can go home._

Aurille shuffled through the collection of papers in front of him. As he started to speak, he didn’t even spare us a welcoming glance. We were used to it by now, though, so it didn’t really bother us.

“Hanji Zoë, Mia Wolf, and Levi…” He raised his head and glared at the black-haired Scout on my right. “What’s your last name, boy?”

I bit my tongue when I caught sight of the frown on his face. “It’s just Levi.”

It was a little sad that he didn’t have a last name to cherish. I had always been proud of the Wolf family and other people who shared my last name and blood. No matter how far apart we were, we would always find our way back to each other. But Levi didn’t have that. As far as I knew, he didn’t even have a real family, apart from Isabel and Furlan.

_Wait, those two had last names. Isabel Magnolia and Furlan Church, right? So why didn’t—_

Aurille’s sharp voice cut me off before I could ponder over it further. “ _Just_ ‘Levi,’ huh? I find that hard to believe.”

My nails dug into the skin of my palms at his tone. I didn’t like how he carelessly threw Levi’s name around like that. It was disrespectful, at the very least.

“Moving on.” He glanced at another paper in his hand. “Your Commander informed me of your origins in his report, and frankly, the assembly is none too pleased. Is it true that you came from the Underground City, right below Mitras?”

There were a few gasps and soft murmurs among the King’s Guard on either side of us. Leyna remained expressionless, as usual, but I could tell she didn’t approve of this. Sara winced and turned away, and Emil shot us a sympathetic smile. _At least he’s trying_ , I thought to myself with a tight-lipped smile.

“Yes.” Levi’s answer was sharp, much like his silver eyes. “What about it?”

I couldn’t help it—my jaw dropped right then and there. Was he purposely trying to piss them off? Did he not understand how severe the situation was? He could lose his place as captain of the Special Operations Squad if they didn’t find him to their liking!

_Please, don’t say anything stupid! Use your head!_

By now, Aurille’s face was bright red. He leaned over the table, his palms flattening against the dark brown surface, and slanted his eyes in Levi’s direction. “Don’t get smart with me, boy. You may be used to talking freely with your buddies, but that doesn’t work with me. The royal assembly doesn’t cater to you— _you_ cater to _us_! You will show us the respect we deserve, and that’s final.”

Levi didn’t answer, but I could see how tightly he was clenching his fists behind the podium. His eyes were hard, and his brow was furrowed. It was taking everything he had for him to hold his tongue. With an inner sigh, I prayed for this conference to be as quick as possible.

“As I was saying,” the nobleman continued, lowering himself back down into his seat, “your Commander supplied us with a detailed report of your affiliations with the Underground City. You were a street thug—a gang leader, one might say. Your violent tendency was shown when you attempted to kill Commander Erwin Smith in the midst of the twenty-third expedition beyond the Walls. Care to elaborate?”

I was visibly trembling at this point—not only for myself, but for Levi and his future. I didn’t expect the royal government to have that much information on him in the first place, much less imagine that _Erwin_ would be the one to give it to them. But he was required by law to submit any available information on his Squad Leaders to the royal government, so they could properly evaluate them.

Levi didn’t like being reminded of his past, of Furlan and Isabel and their days in the Underground City. Once in a blue moon I could get him to tell me about them, but the stories he told me were few and far between. He kept himself closed off from the rest of the world—including me. It hurt, but that’s just how he was. I’m sure if I had been in his position, I wouldn’t flaunt around my experiences so freely, either. He was just protecting himself, in his own stubborn way.

“Not at all,” he replied icily. His eyes were no more than stony slits. “In fact, why don’t you inform everyone _who_ gave me the order to kill Erwin in the first place?” When none of them spoke up, he answered for them: “His name was Nicholas Lobov.”

A second wave of gasps filled the room. By now, each and every one of the men at the long oak table—save for Jax—was absolutely furious. They knew who Levi was referring to, and now they couldn’t act all high and mighty.

The name _Lobov_ sent a chill down my spine. I remembered Erwin mentioning it as Levi tried to slit his throat, and then later on when I was recovering in the medical wing. He was a noble with ties to the royal government, despite not being a member of the actual assembly. If I remembered correctly, he had been the one who was out to get Erwin, because he opposed funding the long-distance formation idea for future expeditions. He was the one who had sent Levi, Isabel, and Furlan to the Survey Corps to kill Erwin.

Deltoff raised his hand, and the whispers stopped immediately. “We understand your concern. Lobov has already been dealt with accordingly, so there’s no need to call for additional action. However, it was ultimately _your_ decision to attack your superior out in the field.”

Rage flooded my veins at the nobleman’s words. Their reasoning was incredibly flawed and just downright ignorant! They didn’t know the full story—hell, they probably didn’t even _want_ to know! Lobov had been a high-ranking official within Wall Sina, so there was a good chance he had ties everywhere. He could have bribed Levi and his friends with something in order to get them to do his bidding. He could have threatened them, so they would be forced to do his dirty work while he stayed hidden in the shadows.

The point was, none of us knew the truth. The only one who did was Levi, but these men in front of us showed no interest in hearing him out. They just wanted to push all the blame on him, so they would feel morally superior.

_I’ve had enough of this._

Hanji seemed to already know what I was planning to do, but I spoke before she could stop me. With a tight swallow, I slanted my eyes and raised my voice. I didn’t plan on holding anything back.

“With all due respect, sirs, I don’t think your reasoning is the best. And honestly, you’re carelessly opening up old wounds. This Scout has endured enough, and he doesn’t need to be reminded of the past.”

_What the hell am I doing?! Shut up, Wolf! Don’t make it worse!_

But the rational part of my brain wasn’t making enough of a fuss for me to care. And the sideways glances both Hanji and Levi were giving me had no effect on me, either. These rich pricks had insulted my friend, and they were going to pay.

“Lobov could have easily manipulated him to do his bidding,” I continued, forcing my eyes to keep staring ahead. “He was a powerful man, so it wouldn’t be hard to believe that he had connections all throughout Wall Sina. He could have threatened Levi or endangered one of his friends. You don’t know how it went—none of us do! So to pin all the blame on him is shameful and dishonest, at the very least.”

The entire silver conference room was dead silent. Aurille’s dark eyes flashed dangerously at my soliloquy. The longer his wrinkled gaze bore into my form, the more I felt my skin prickle. I began shifting my weight from one leg to the other, and eventually, my eyes trailed downwards.

_I think I said too much._

But that didn’t mean I regretted anything. I meant every single word that had fallen out of my mouth, and I wasn’t about to back down from it. If my parents had taught me anything, it was to never backtrack your statements, especially when faced with adversity.

“You’re quite talkative today, aren’t you, Miss Wolf?”

I grimaced at the fancy title Aurille granted me. It wasn’t a means of respect—it was just to mock me. I would never be a proper lady in his eye, and that was fine by me. But he refused to address me as a Scout of the Survey Corps. Not _Captain Wolf_ , or simply _Wolf_. No, it had to be Miss Wolf.

“How strange. You weren’t like this the last time you visited the capital.” Aurille smirked when he saw me grimace at his words. “That reminds me—we’ve examined your files, as well.” He shuffled the papers in front of him again, and finally plucked out a creamy sheet from the middle of the pile. “Right here. You currently command the Elite Reconnaissance Squad of the Survey Corps, according to your Commander. However, it’s important to mention your history with squads in the past. Unfortunately, you haven’t had…the best luck, considering your two previous squads.”

My heart dropped to my stomach. This was it. This was what I had been afraid of. They were about to parade my past failures around for the entire room to see—including my sister.

_Wait, stop—_

“You were assigned two cadets of the Ninety-Seventh Training Corps in the spring of 843,” he read off the sheet, his eyes never lifting up from the page. “Their names were Rosalie Richards and Emmett Johannsson. Then, in the spring of 844, on the twenty-first expedition beyond the Walls, they were brutally killed by an Abnormal Titan. Is that correct?”

I didn’t need to hear it again. I had written the goddamn report he was currently reading from, holding it in his grubby hand. I bet my meager military salary that my dried teardrops were still embedded on the creamy surface.

I didn’t want to be reminded of my lost squad. Too many nights had been spent crying myself to sleep in the girls’ barracks, trying to erase the memories of that horrible day. I could still hear their screams, their pleas—smell their blood, feel their cold skin against mine— I fought the urge to flinch. It was all too much.

“Miss Wolf, is that correct?”

“…Yes, sir.”

_It’s true. It’s all true. And I hate myself for it._

_I wonder if Rosalie and Emmett resent me for letting them die._

“Shortly afterward, you were demoted and placed in Flagon Turret’s squad. You were deemed a danger to your fellow soldiers, and Commander Shadis was ordered to keep an eye on you.” At this point, the nobleman wasn’t even reading off from his stack of papers. “Then, during the twenty-third expedition beyond the Walls, your squad was attacked by an Abnormal once more. The entire batch of soldiers was wiped out…all except you and _Levi_.”

Tears burned behind my amber eyes. I hated the tone he was using. He spoke of Flagon, Sairam, Daisy, Isabel, and Furlan like they were absolutely nothing—just collateral damage in his eyes. In fact, that was how most of the citizens within the inner Walls saw our soldiers, whether they were part of the Garrison or the Survey Corps. And sure, perhaps they even saw some of the Military Police officers in the same light. We weren’t human to them—we were just pawns on a huge chess board, ready to be moved from one place to the next. It didn’t matter to them that we had feelings, goals, dreams, and families. They didn’t want to see that side of us. It was easier for them to imagine we were simple killing machines—especially the ones that dared to venture beyond the Walls.

“It cannot be ignored, Miss Wolf.” This time, it was Gerald who spoke up. I could tell by the scowl on his face that Aurille wasn’t too happy about being cut off. “Two squads you were associated with were wiped out, leaving you as the only survivor—or one of them, in the latter case. It’s important that we make sure—”

Through my tears, I raised my head and glared up at them. “Are you suggesting I led them to their deaths _on purpose_?”

These assholes didn’t know me at all. What kind of soldier would do that to their fellow comrades, much less to their own squad? It didn’t make any sense. But it was ridiculous enough to fit the narrative that the Survey Corps was useless and dangerous, and should be eliminated immediately. That was how it always was.

“With all due respect,” I repeated through my clenched teeth, “I _loved_ those cadets. I saw them as my own brother and my own sister. If I had the chance, I would trade my life for either of theirs in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t _dream_ of purposely endangering them, and suggesting something like that is utterly foul. The same goes for Flagon’s squad. They were my friends, my fellow soldiers. Hurting them had never even crossed my mind.” I inhaled sharply, trying to ignore the silver eyes gazing at me from my right. “I made a bad judgement call that day, and I take full responsibility for it. But don’t you _dare_ imply that I was acting out of malice.”

_…Well, I guess I can kiss my position as captain of the Elite Reconnaissance Squad goodbye…_

“Indeed,” Aurille growled. “And promising cadets died because you _made a mistake_. Who’s to say the same thing won’t happen again with the three recruits you’ve chosen for your new squad? You’re a danger to your fellow soldiers, Miss Wolf. You drag other soldiers down and crawl about their corpses to lift yourself up. You’re a disgrace to the Survey Corps.”

Dad always told me that the words of a nobleman meant nothing to a Wolf, especially considering how much we had endured from them already. But now, his insults were hitting every bone in my body. I could no longer stop the tears from flowing down my face. My cheeks burned with shame as I stood there, silently crying in front of the noblemen, the King’s Guard, and my own sister—not to mention the two Scouts that stood beside me.

Levi had told me that Erwin spoke highly of me, and the Commander even said himself that I was one of his strongest soldiers. But strength was rendered useless if you couldn’t use it to protect the ones you loved. Rosalie and Emmett had died on my watch, and I had been unable to do anything as Flagon, Sairam, and Daisy had been butchered. I couldn’t protect Furlan and Isabel as they fought bravely against the Abnormal that had attacked our squad out in the rainstorm. And I had been too weak to stay conscious, even after Levi had killed the Titan out of revenge for his friends.

“Anything else you’d like to add, Miss Wolf?”

I cringed at Aurille’s gloating tone. “N-no, sir.”

“Well, I do!”

Hanji shoved her fist against her heart in a fierce salute. When I raised my head to look at her, I saw that her brown eyes were already fixated on the five noblemen sitting across from us. She looked serious and intimidating—but not as scary as she had been when she chased Jax out of the girls’ barracks that night.

“Sirs, I must insist that Captain Wolf has shown exceptional improvement—”

“Ah, yes, Squad Leader Hanji Zoë, is it?” This time, it was Roderich who spoke up and cut her off. “If our records are correct, you have been pushing for the capture of a live Titan. Am I right?”

“Absolutely, sir. But you see—”

“An utter waste of time and resources!” Aurille grumbled, flopping back down in his seat. “What do you plan to do with such a creature when you manage to capture it? Study it? Feed it? Play with it? Have you thought that far ahead, Squad Leader? If anything, I thought you would be the most promising one, considering you’ve been doing this for quite some time. But no—you’re all the same!”

Hanji remained silent, but I could see the fire behind her eyes. Surely we would all be getting an earful on the way back home from Mitras, once we were far away from the capital’s borders. She didn’t like to stay quiet about these kinds of things for too long, you know.

“So we have a scientist who believes she can befriend the Titans beyond the Walls, a low-life criminal from the depths of the Underground City, and a cursed captain who’s lost two separate squads already! This year’s batch of Squad Leaders is _especially_ impressive,” he added with a sneer. “I honestly don’t know what Commander Erwin was thinking.”

_He’s wrong. He’s lying, just like every other nobleman in this damn city. He just wants to tear you down and make you feel worthless. Don’t let him win!_

But his words spoke nothing but truth. I couldn’t deny anything he had said about me. It was my fault that Rosalie and Emmett had died that day. I had decided to lead them toward that Abnormal Titan. I was in charge of our little squad. I had been entrusted with them. Their parents and siblings counted on me to bring them back home to them.

And I had failed.

Although I told myself it would never happen, I wondered if the same would happen to my current squad. Was I going to have to deliver Gretel’s cloak and patch to her parents in Trost? Would I have to bury Reggie with my own hands, if we managed to recover his body? Would Evan’s mother and father hate me for leading him down the same path that had taken his brother, Adrian?

I didn’t deserve them, not with my track record. Promises meant nothing if I couldn’t protect them beyond the Walls. For all I knew, they could easily meet the same fate as Rosalie and Emmett—and I was powerless to stop it.

Suddenly, Jax raised his hand and glanced at the nobles at his side. “If I may, my lords, I’d like to speak on behalf of the Survey Corps.”

Everyone’s eyes were on him—including my own. I couldn’t stop my mouth from hanging open. What could he possibly have to say in our defense? What was he playing at?

Nevertheless, Aurille motioned him forward. “Proceed, Meyer.”

He stood up from his seat and swept his gaze around the room. I was thankful he didn’t linger on me for too long; I didn’t know what I would have done if he had. “I may not have been here for very long, but with all due respect, I think you are underestimating what these Scouts are capable of. Have you looked at their individual statistics? The reports you hold in your hands should tell you that Levi has one of the highest Titan kill counts in the entire branch—second only to Wolf’s own count. The two of them are some of the strongest soldiers the Survey Corps has to offer. And Squad Leader Zoë has one of the brightest minds of anyone within the Walls. In my humble opinion, these three are quite possibly some of the best in their branch, and it would be a mistake to write them off so soon.”

When he was finished with his speech, he sent me a smile. I was startled to see such sincerity behind it; he didn’t look smug in the slightest. If I didn’t know any better, I would just say he was looking out for us and our futures.

But no, it was _Jax_. There had to be a catch somewhere. He wouldn’t go out of his way to speak up for us if he wasn’t getting anything out of it, especially after our history together. No matter what came out of his mouth, I still didn’t trust him. I wasn’t going to make that mistake again.

This time, Deltoff turned to face Jax and confronted him: “And what do you say to their questionable pasts? Surely their history shouldn’t go unaddressed?”

“That’s not what I’m saying at all.” The way Jax was able to speak so clearly and keep his cool astounded me. Sure, he was confident when we were cadets, but he was speaking with such fluidity and passion that he would give Leyna a run for her money. My sister was a politician at heart, and she didn’t like it when she saw that someone could do what she could. “Their past decisions should definitely be examined. However, it’s just as Squad Leader Wolf said: we don’t know the circumstances which led to them making such decisions. Frankly, I would put my trust in her and her comrades.”

Suddenly, his dark blue eyes found mine, and I was frozen to the spot. The tide of happy memories I had of him kept coming forth. I saw almost everything: our first date under the apple tree along the river bank; our first kiss, stolen behind the girls’ barracks at midnight; the feeling of his arms around me and his lips against my hair; and the way he would bury his nose into the side of my neck, making me giggle uncontrollably. Back then, it had been so much simpler. We were still young and innocent, with our whole lives in front of us. Nothing could touch us when we were together—we were on top of the world.

“I’ve had the pleasure of knowing Squad Leaders Wolf and Zoë during our training days as cadets. I’ve seen how they work with their fellow soldiers, how they plan ahead and strike their enemies. While I haven’t seen them outside the Walls myself, I know they must be doing a decent job at whatever they’re currently doing. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t be here today. In all honesty, I wouldn’t hesitate to hand my life over to either of them.”

My nails bit into the skin of my palms. _Sure you wouldn’t, you bastard. Just wait until I make you pay for what you did to me._

He had no right to suddenly try and act like my ally. We hadn’t seen each other in years, and right now, he decided to waltz back into my life like nothing had changed. Surely he remembered our last night together, right? He had to remember how he held my wrists above my head and tried to take what wasn’t his. He had to remember my protests—and the punch Hanji had landed on the side of his jaw.

Yet…for some reason, the noblemen were buying into what he was saying. Although he still looked pissed off, Aurille wasn’t as red-faced as he had been a few minutes before. And the other nobles at the table were all nodding and murmuring to each other, as if they agreed with what Jax had said.

“You make a fair point,” Roderich admitted, standing up from his seat, “but it will require further discussion. We will debate on it, and we’ll inform you of our decision this evening. You three are dismissed, for the time being.”

I pushed myself off the podium and headed for the door. I didn’t even wait for Hanji and Levi to catch up to me—I simply shoved the door open and walked down the hall. I didn’t want them to see me like this.

As I walked down the hall, I could feel a fresh wave of tears burning behind my eyes. I didn’t know the nobles would go that far and mention my previous squads like that. It was like they knew every single detail about me, like they were peaking inside my head and sorting through my memories. It made me feel weak and vulnerable, even more than Jax had the night of our graduation ceremony.

So many thoughts were running through my head. Why had Jax stepped in like that? What did he have to gain from speaking up in our defense? Why was he even here in Mitras? What was his occupation? Did the royal assembly seek him out? Was he an official member now? Had he taken Lobov’s place?

Never mind that. Why were they so fixated on making sure I could never be in charge of another squad again? I knew the Scouts were lower than dirt to the nobles in Wall Sina, but it felt like they were out to get me. Plenty of other Squad Leaders had gone through what I had gone through, and they didn’t find themselves ridiculed in front of their fellow Scouts— _and_ the King’s Guard.

Eventually, I found myself outside the assigned room I shared with Hanji. With a sigh, I made my way inside and flopped down on the bed. No doubt she would be in here to try and make me feel better. Maybe I could catch a few minutes of sleep before she decided to comfort me.

Snuggling my face into the pillow, I shut my eyes and succumbed to my tears. But all I could see in my dreams were Rosalie and Emmett, asking me why I wasn’t enough to save them on that day.

|~|

The squeak of the door jolted me out of my slumber. I groaned, burying my face deeper into the sheets, as I heard the sound of footsteps getting closer to me. Finally, the figure paused at the side of my bed, directly behind me. I didn’t even bother to lift my head from the pillow. It was probably Hanji, anyway.

“Leave me alone, please.” _I don’t want to talk, I just want to sleep._

The bed dipped down behind me as the figure took a seat. A few seconds passed, and I almost slipped back into sleep’s arms. Hanji could wait until later. I needed my rest—I’m sure she would agree.

“You never leave me alone, so why should I return the favor?”

My eyes shot open. That was definitely _not_ Hanji’s voice.

I glanced over my shoulder, biting my lip as I saw Levi sitting on the silk covers of the bed. His arms were crossed over his chest, and his eyes were glued to the floor in front of him. He looked tired—more than usual, in fact. I wondered if he had gotten any sleep last night.

“You’ve been out for a few hours. Hanji said you needed your sleep, but it’s almost dinnertime. You need to eat.”

 _A few hours? Had Hanji really let me sleep that long?_ I was surprised that Leyna hadn’t found me yet—surely she had some questions for me. I hadn’t told her anything about Rosalie and Emmett, so it was natural if she wanted to interrogate me. But I wasn’t in the mood for that right now.

I groaned and turned my face back into the pillow. I didn’t want to talk to Levi—or Hanji, or Leyna, or anyone. I just wanted to be left alone in my room. I wasn’t fit to talk to other people at the moment, either. Not when I was so close to breaking down.

But Levi was a stubborn man. I knew he wouldn’t let me off the hook so easily. If the past two years we spent together had taught me anything, he was going to put up a fight.

Eventually, I heard him shift on the bed, and a warm weight rested on my shoulder. I tried not to tense up under his fingers, but it was a habit at this point. I knew I had nothing to fear when I was with him, but I was currently a mess. I wasn’t in my right mind.

“Come on, brat. I’m not telling you again.”

I shook my head, burying my face deeper into the pillow. “I’m not hungry.” My voice was a little muffled, but I didn’t care. “Just leave me alone.”

He scoffed and retracted his hand from my shoulder. I bit back a whimper as I felt him stand up from the bed. “I’m not leaving this room unless you’re with me.”

“Then you better get comfortable, because I’m not going anywhere.”

A thick silence settled over the two of us. I swallowed the lump in my throat, squeezing my eyes shut. I didn’t like arguing with Levi, now that we had grown used to each other. But I wasn’t going to suck it up and pretend everything was fine. I wasn’t like that.

Although it had been a few hours since the conference, the memories of my first squad had never left my mind. It was all I could think about, and Aurille’s words hadn’t helped in the slightest. Even now, I still saw their faces and heard their screams.

 _No wonder they’re all wary of me. I was the only one who came back alive that day._ Obviously they suspected that I was part of a bigger conspiracy. They didn’t know me at all, so it didn’t strike them as odd when they began to wonder whether or not I had meant to lead them to their deaths. As far as they were concerned, I had been planning on killing them right from the start—and for all they knew, I could be planning to do the same thing to my current squad.

I didn’t even hold back the tears this time. As I thought of my three cadets back at home, I realized they reminded me of the squad I had lost, even more than I had originally thought. Rosalie and Gretel could have passed off as sisters—they shared the same blond hair and hazel eyes, although Rosalie was much more soft-spoken than Gretel. Rosalie was more like Evan, but not as short. Emmet had shared Gretel’s brash and honest personality, but he always strived to please me, much like Reggie did. In fact, Emmett had the same reddish-brown eyes that Evan had, but his hair was black instead of brown.

It was like my old squad had been reborn and given back to me.

I sucked in a sharp breath. Was this a blessing, or a curse? Was it fate giving me a second chance, to do what I had failed to accomplish when I was in charge of Rosalie and Emmett? Or was it her cruel way of mocking me? Did fate even expect me to keep a better eye on this squad, compared to my old one? Was this her way of testing me?

The pillow was starting to get soaked under my face. I grimaced as I felt the wet fabric brush against my cheek when I shifted in my spot. It was all too much too soon. I didn’t want to think about that, but I couldn’t stop the flood of thoughts from entering my mind.

Levi must have heard me sniffling, because he let out a soft sigh. Before I knew it, he was sitting back on the bed—but this time, he was closer to my back. I could almost feel his body heat radiating onto mine, but he never touched me. Not once.

“Don’t listen to those shitheads.” I didn’t have to ask him who he meant. “They’re just trying to throw you off your game. Don’t let them think they’re right.”

But how could I change their minds? They didn’t want to hear anything from us, except our failures. That way, they could push their narrative and keep suggesting that the Survey Corps was useless. Hell, they probably didn’t even want their minds changed. They wanted us to be as pathetic and incompetent as they thought we were, and we couldn’t do a damn thing about it. It was hard to feel proud when you knew they held all the power within the Walls. If they truly wanted to, they could eliminate our branch and banish us from the military altogether.

“At the same time,” he grumbled, “it’s not smart to go off on them like you did. Erwin was right—you really _do_ need to learn how to hold your tongue.”

I shot him an angry glare, through my tears. There he was, sitting on the edge of my bed, with his silver eyes locked on mine. He could easily see that my face was red and wet with the remains of my tears, but I couldn’t care less.

“They were insulting me. They were insulting _you_! They kept bringing up disgusting memories—they didn’t even care about how you felt—”

“It’s in their nature to be assholes, you said so yourself,” he cut me off, glaring at me with cold gray eyes. “The best thing to do is to keep your mouth shut and let them do their talking.”

I scoffed, pushing myself up in a sitting position. I was even closer to him now, but I was too worked up to blush at the moment. “You’re one to talk! You weren’t exactly polite to them, either.”

“At least I didn’t outright insult them, you damn brat. What were your exact words? _Shameful_ and _dishonest_ , was it?”

My face burned even brighter under his scathing tone. Deep down, I knew he was right. When it came to the future of my job and the entire Survey Corps, my feelings meant nothing. As much as I wanted to, I simply couldn’t talk back to the noblemen like I had earlier. When you compared me to Levi, it was obvious I had been the one who had overstepped the boundaries. Maybe I was justified, but that didn’t mean I could act out on my anger in plain sight. Erwin and Levi were both right: I did need to learn how to keep my lips sealed.

“I…” But I didn’t have a comeback. We both knew it. With a tight swallow, I turned my head away from him, avoiding those silver hues as best as I could. “They were just so…”

The only reason I had spoken out against them in the first place was because of the way they addressed Levi. They gave no thought to what he may have endured since joining the Survey Corps. They didn’t see a man who dedicated his heart to Commander Erwin and his vision of humanity’s future. They didn’t see the soldier who fought by my side in the field, killing Titans left and right to save his comrades. All they saw was what they wanted to see: a lowlife criminal from the Underground City. In their minds, he couldn’t ever change. He would always be a criminal, no matter how many Titans he killed or how many soldiers he saved. They would never see him like Erwin and Hanji and Mike saw him—like _I_ saw him.

“…They were insulting you…”

He sighed once more, and suddenly, I felt his hand on the top of my head. As he began to speak, he ruffled my hair lightly. “You don’t need to feel like you have to stick up for me, dumbass. I can take a few mean words.”

“But…that doesn’t mean you should have to!”

I shifted my head and stared up at him, wincing as I felt a fresh wave of tears build up behind my eyes. He didn’t deserve the crap the nobles had been saying about him. Hell, _none_ of the Scouts deserved that! He didn’t deserve to be looked down upon just because of his roots in the Underground City.

It may have been a trick of the light, but I swore I saw his eyes soften. “Maybe not, but that’s life. I’ve dealt with worse than a few harsh words.”

Of course he did—he had even told me about them. The hand that was currently running through my hair had been the same hand he had used to end the life of a thug who had threatened Isabel. And that was just one instance that I knew of. There was no doubt he had to do the same to other people who had endangered him and his family, at one point or another. And the scars on his body were far worse than anything the nobles had thrown at him today. If he could live through those trials, he could live through anything.

“Alright, enough is enough.” With a final pat on my head, he stood up from the bed and straightened out his jacket. “We’re leaving now. And you’re coming with me, whether you like it or not. I’m not going to let you starve yourself over a few thoughtless insults from the higher-ups.”

I knew I couldn’t ignore him forever. At some point, I had to see Hanji and Leyna. _Oh, well—better to get it over with sooner rather than later._

Besides…my stomach was starting to growl.

“…Maybe you’re right…”

“Of course I’m right.” A light smirk played at his lips as he held out his hand to me. With a huff, I grabbed it and let him hoist me off the bed. My legs were a little wobbly, but I managed to catch myself before I fell into his arms. I didn’t need to embarrass myself further. Neither of us needed that right now. “Let’s go, before Hanji decides to eat everything in sight.”

I let him lead me out of the room and down the hall. All the while, I did my best to shove those horrid thoughts of Rosalie and Emmett out of my mind, and instead I focused on my fingers laced with his. Despite the rough and scarred skin, I sought comfort in their warmth. As usual, I felt safe and secure, knowing I was within his reach.

I had to stop thinking about the past. Nothing would change the fact that Rosalie and Emmett were dead, and it was my fault. But I had to move past it, just as all the other Scouts did. It was hard, but I had to let them go. If I didn’t, they would drag me down with them, and none of us needed that.

Still, I knew it would be a long time before I let myself forget them and the choice that had led to their deaths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, a callback to "No Regrets"! I don't think it's specified if Lobov was part of the royal assembly, or if he was just a high-ranking noble, so I made him have a position of power in the government. (How else would he have the authority to send Levi, Furlan, and Isabel after Erwin in the first place?) But now he's gone, and it looks like Jax has taken his place. Ugh...
> 
> (Also, the names for all the noblemen came from the AoT wiki. Going by what they wear and how they present themselves, I gave them each a major part of the government to manage. Of course, they don't make their official debut in the manga/anime until Season 3, so it was a little tricky.) 
> 
> I know I've been teasing this ever since the first chapter, but now we finally learn a little bit more about Mia's first squad and what happened to them. It's still a sensitive topic for her, so it'll be a while before she tells anyone what exactly went down that day, and how Rosalie and Emmett were killed. But it still hurts, especially when the nobles bring it up. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think! I'm currently in the middle of final papers/exams, so I won't be doing much writing until they're done. However, I'll be back ASAP to post the next chapter. I'll see you then! :)


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This chapter is shorter than what I'm used to writing, but I needed a buffer between the last chapter and the next one. I didn't want an extra long chapter that tries to do too much, so I decided to split it in two. Hope you enjoy! :)

|XXVIII|

Hanji and Leyna were already there we got to the dining hall, along with Mike, Ness, Emil, and Sara. As soon as she saw me, Leyna lunged forward and wrapped me up in her arms. I sank my teeth into my bottom lip to keep it from trembling. I didn’t want to cry again—not in front of her.

I was thankful the hall was mostly empty, apart from a small group of Military Police soldiers at the far end of the table. Erwin was nowhere to be found, which gave me a small sense of relief. I didn’t want him to see me like this—it was bad enough the senior Squad Leaders had to see me in such a state. _He must still be with the noblemen_ , I thought as I buried my face in my sister’s shoulder.

Leyna pulled away and pressed a kiss to the side of my temple. Her soft touch reminded me of Ma so much it physically hurt.

“You okay?” I nodded my head, gripping the sleeves of her jacket even tighter. “We can talk later, if you want.”

“No, it’s fine,” I muttered in a haste. “I just want to forget about it.”

But I _didn’t_ want to forget. I didn’t want to forget about Rosalie’s sweet smile or Emmett’s boisterous laugh. I had too many memories of those cadets, and I would be damned if I ever let them slip from my mind. I remembered the training exercises we ran, the trail rides we took with our horses, and the expeditions we headed out on at first light in the mornings. I remembered the late-night conversations I had with Rosalie in the girls’ barracks, and how Hanji would join us sometimes before she crashed for the night. I remembered the arm wrestling matches Emmett and I used to have in our free time, and even though he won ninety percent of the time, they were still a fun workout for me.

And then I remembered the sight of their bodies sliding down a Titan’s throat. There had been nothing left for us to even bury.

My stomach flipped over again, and I almost grimaced at the sight of the food on the table. My appetite wasn’t as strong as it normally was, but I would make an effort. Levi was right—I didn’t need to go starving myself because of a few bad memories.

I sat down at the table in my usual seat right next to Hanji, joining her and the rest of the soldiers. However, Leyna slid into the seat on my other side the second I settled down. I didn’t miss the glare she sent Levi, or the one he sent her as he settled in between Mike and Ness on the opposite side.

_Come on, don’t do this now! I’m not in the mood to put up with either of you, especially if you’re going to go at each other’s throats!_

Hanji gave me a soft smile as she pushed my plate over to me. She must have gotten it earlier, when they were still serving the soldiers. It was some kind of beef stew with small dumplings on the side. It was still warm, too—she must have gotten it just before I came here.

“Where’s Commander Erwin?”

“He’s still with the royal assembly,” Ness answered, taking a sip from his mug. “Apparently they still haven’t made a decision regarding the Survey Corps yet.”

I grimaced and hung my head in shame. No doubt they were chewing the poor man out for my earlier outburst. I could only imagine the earful I would get once we got back to our base. With a grumble, I shoved a spoonful of stew into my mouth and forced myself to swallow.

Hanji seemed to be a little more hopeful and energetic. _Probably just to make me feel better._ “You sure showed those nobles, huh?”

“Yeah, at the cost of my job,” I mumbled through another mouthful of stew. “I guess Erwin will have to find another captain for the Elite Reconnaissance Squad.”

She didn’t seem to share my concern, though. “Oh, stop it. Erwin won’t replace you because of one little mistake.”

“It doesn’t matter. He’s not the one demoting me—the nobles are.”

Besides, it wasn’t “one little mistake,” as she eloquently put. In the eyes of every single nobleman in that conference room, I was a dangerous soldier who needed to be contained. I was responsible for letting my first squad get eaten by an Abnormal, and I did nothing when the same thing happened to my second squad. And when they had confronted me about these issues, I had lashed out at them like a feral animal. It would be an absolute miracle if they didn’t make me resign after that shitshow.

“You don’t know that—”

Hanji’s mouth snapped shut when she saw the glare on my face. I knew she was only trying to make me feel better, but I didn’t want to hear it. I just wanted to be left alone to sulk with my overdue dinner.

“I don’t think they’ll demote you, Mia,” Mike hummed softly, resting his chin on his hand. Even though I sorely doubted him, I had to admire his faith in me. “Think about it. They have to know how vital the Elite Reconnaissance Squad is to the Survey Corps. Without you and your cadets on the field, we may suffer even more losses against the Titans. They would be fools to force you to step down.”

 _Yeah, well, no one ever said the nobles liked using their brains._ But I bit my tongue and focused on my meal.

“You never told me you were leading a squad.” Thank the Walls Leyna didn’t mention my previous squad out loud. If I knew her, she would ask me about it when we were alone. But for now, she kept it to herself, and I was grateful for that. “How many soldiers are there? Are they young? How long have you been in charge of them?”

I stared at my sister like she had just sprouted a second head. In all my years of being a Scout, I had never seen her so interested in my career within the Survey Corps. She always brushed us under the rug, calling us suicidal idiots and other derogatory names. But now, she seemed genuinely invested in my life as a Scout and the squad that I led.

 _Maybe it’s all part of her act. She does have a reputation to uphold with the other Military Police soldiers._ Sara and Emil were within earshot; she probably wanted them to think she cared deeply for her darling little sister, much more than she actually did.

“Well…” _Where do I start?_ A spark of pride fluttered in my chest as I thought back to my three cadets, safe and sound back at our base. “I haven’t had them for too long—only a month or so. But they’re a great bunch.”

No, they were better than great. They were amazing. They never ceased to make me smile. Whether it was Reggie and his undying devotion, or Evan and his animal-whisperer-like nature, or Gretel and her unflinchingly honest attitude, they always managed to make me happy.

But I couldn’t exactly gush about them in front of my sister and the other Squad Leaders. I would just end up embarrassing myself. Besides, it wasn’t custom for Squad Leaders to get attached to their subordinates. I had learned that lesson the hard way.

“There are three of them, two boys and a girl. They came from the One Hundredth Training Corps, but they’re pretty skilled already. We’re lucky to have them.”

That was it. I wasn’t telling her any more. It was nice to keep some information about those kids to myself. Leyna didn’t need to know their whole backstories; they weren’t her responsibility. I could keep a few secrets from her.

“Yeah, but how come—”

The heavy doors of the hall swung open, and Commander Erwin stepped inside. At the sight of him, Leyna straightened herself and stood up from the table. Sara and Emil followed her lead, making sure they were tidy and presentable before Erwin arrived.

“I guess that’s our cue to leave. You can tell me all about them later when we meet up, okay? Don’t be afraid to stop by and say hi.”

As Leyna gave me a quick sideways hug, I couldn’t help but grimace. The last thing I wanted to do was go back to the room she shared with Sara. Not if Vivienne and Elise were going to be there.

The three MPs saluted to Erwin before dashing out the doors. My chest suddenly felt tight as our Commander came over to our end of the table. He looked a little more drained than usual; although his blond hair was neatly tucked in place like it always was, his blue eyes didn’t hold that same light that was always dancing in them. As he walked over to the edge of the table to face the five of us, he pressed a hand to his temple.

_The nobles must have done a number on him. No thanks to me…_

I swallowed hard, my fingers turning white as I gripped the spoon tightly. The suspense was killing me.

Hanji was the first to speak. “So…what’s the damage?”

Erwin gave us a smile, but I could tell it was forced. His jaw was tight and there was no warmth in his eyes. “The assembly has decided to keep the Survey Corps in operation for the time being.”

 _Thank the Walls!_ I couldn’t suppress the sigh of relief that slipped out. Hanji did the same, her shoulders sagging and her muscles relaxing. Mike and Ness didn’t look too worried to begin with, but there were still relieved smiles on their faces. Levi only quirked an eyebrow, keeping his face expressionless.

“There’s a catch, isn’t there?”

“Unfortunately, yes,” Erwin answered, nodding to Levi. “While they have agreed to let us continue with the expeditions, they insist on dictating where and when they will take place. The heavy losses from the last expedition must have made them wary.”

 _Yeah, I doubt it._ They weren’t concerned with the well-being of our soldiers and our new recruits. They just saw this as a way to keep the Scouts under their thumbs. They were clamoring for any kind of power to hold over us, and they would go to any lengths to secure it.

Ness’ eyes widened. “Does that mean the Scouts are no longer in charge of deciding which areas to survey beyond the Walls? That’s absurd!”

“The Scouts have always decided where to go,” Hanji added with a frown. “We’ve always lost soldiers, so why do they care about us all of a sudden?”

“I understand your frustrations,” our Commander said, holding up a hand, “but there was no other option. Either we bend to their will, or the Survey Corps is out of commission. And I’d rather we have limited expeditions than none at all. I’m sure you all think the same thing.”

He did have a point. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but at least it was something. Worst case scenario would have been the Survey Corps being defunded completely and forced to break up. Instead, we were just being monitored more than usual. We would still be able to go out beyond the Walls on our expeditions, even if they decided which places we would survey. Compared to our other option of being terminated, our current one seemed fine enough.

Still, I hated the feeling of being leashed. It was the one trait from my father that hit me the most. We were members of the Wolf family—and wolves didn’t sit by and let themselves be chained.

“They didn’t sound so keen on our new Squad Leaders earlier,” Mike pointed out. “They sounded furious with them. What made them change their minds?”

I had a feeling I already knew the answer, but I didn’t want to say it out loud. So I turned my head and focused on the stew in front of me.

“One of the members of the assembly talked them out of defunding us. I believe his name was Jackson Meyer.”

 _Of course it was._ With a growl, I shoved another spoonful of stew into my mouth and bit down hard. _Damn bastard_.

“Apparently he vouched for both Hanji and Mia. A former acquaintance of yours, perhaps?”

I dug my elbow into Hanji’s side before she could even open her mouth. I knew it was tempting for her to tell everyone about our past experiences with him. _Not here, not now_.

“I guess you could say that,” I mumbled, keeping my eyes trained on my plate. “I didn’t think he would defend us like he did, though. We haven’t seen him for a few years.”

I left it at that, and thankfully, Hanji didn’t add in any more information. The less the Scouts knew about Jax, the better it would be for all of us.

_I can’t wait until we get out of Mitras… Like I need another reason to hate this city._

Erwin nodded before turning back to the rest of our little group. “Well, now that a compromise has been met, the assembly no longer has any matters they wish to discuss with us. We’re free to leave the city at any time tomorrow. We’ll head out at first light, understood?”

“Yes, sir!”

A little light had shone itself at the end of this dark tunnel. Finally, I would be away from Jax and the rest of the noblemen. Now, there was nothing more I wanted to do than curl up in my own bed in my office and sleep for hours.

_Only a few more hours, and I’ll be home._

|~|

It wasn’t long before Erwin, Mike, and Ness retired to their rooms for the night. Now, the only ones left in the dining hall were me, Hanji, and Levi. As soon as I finished my dinner and placed my empty dishes on the conveyor belt leading into the kitchen, I glanced out the window. The sun was almost hidden behind Wall Sina completely.

I didn’t feel the need to sleep, since I had wasted a majority of the day passed out in my room, so I decided to head to Leyna’s room. Now that I knew we would be out of here the next morning, it would be nice to at least say goodbye to her before then. She wasn’t one to get all mushy and emotional with goodbyes, so it was best to make it as brief as possible.

But I wasn’t about to go to her room alone. Not with Jax prowling around in the castle.

When I reached the table again, I found Hanji resting her head on her folded arms, her brown eyes drooping behind her glasses. I bit back a sigh; the poor girl was exhausted. I couldn’t make her come with me all the way to Leyna’s room, like I had planned. She needed her rest—she didn’t have the luxury of sleeping the day away like I had.

So that left me with…

“Uh…Levi?”

I stiffened the moment his silver eyes met mine. _Why am I so nervous all of a sudden? Oh yeah, that’s right. Don’t forget about what happened last night, Wolf!_

_Shit, don’t think about it! The minute he sees you uncomfortable, he’ll know what’s up! You can’t let him find out about what happened!_

“…I need to run to Leyna’s room to say goodbye to her. …Do you mind coming with me?”

_Holy shit, why did I say the word “coming”?! You’re such a fucking idiot, Wolf! Keep your mind out of the gutter!_

I nearly yelped in fear when Hanji’s head shot up from the table. “Oh, I see how it is,” she said with a smirk. But before I could protest, she was up and walking away. “Have fun, you two. I’ll be in the room, Mia. Don’t stay up too late!”

_It’s not like that, damn it!_

But I couldn’t exactly yell that out to her with Levi right next to me. So instead I watched her disappear out the door, and suddenly, the only ones who were in the dining hall were myself and Levi.

_Damn it, don’t look him right in the eye. Don’t give him any reason to think something’s wrong! Just focus on Leyna!_

_Yeah, it’s her friends’ fault that I even started thinking about him that way—_

_Cut it out! Stop it right now, dumbass!_

But his eyes cut through me like blades. As hard as I tried, I knew he would think something was up with me. I could only pray he wouldn’t mention it out loud.

“Any reason you didn’t ask Hanji to go with you instead?”

I forced myself to swallow the lump in my throat. “Well…she needs her rest…she’s exhausted, you know…I don’t want to bother her…”

“But you have no problem with bothering me.”

I sucked in a sharp breath. He sounded so bored, so tired…so _done_ with me. Had I been reading the signs wrong? Was he getting bored with the time we spent together? I mean, if he was, I couldn’t really blame him. I wasn’t the best person to be friends with. Hanji was really the only one who could tolerate me, and that was after thirteen years of knowing each other.

_Does he actually value me as much as I value him? If he doesn’t, am I an idiot for holding him on such a high pedestal?_

He scoffed and stood up from his seat, unfolding his arms from his chest. “I’m kidding, brat. Don’t take everything so seriously.”

I couldn’t help sighing in relief at his words. Of course, he was only teasing me. I shouldn’t have been surprised at this point—it was probably one of his favorite pastimes.

_Why do I get so worked up over what he says? I don’t want to play right into his hands all the time. I have to prove I’m not that easy to rile up, like he thinks I am._

“…You’re one to talk,” I muttered as the two of us made it to the door. I tried to ignore the rising blush on my face as he held it open and let me pass in front of him. “You always take everything so seriously.”

He quirked an eyebrow at me. “I thought you knew me by now, Wolf.”

I bit back a frustrated groan as the two of us began walking down the hall and toward the staircase. _Damn it! Why does he always have to be so cryptic with his answers? Why can’t he just talk to me like a regular human being?!_

“So…you _do_ like spending time with me?”

“What do you think?”

I was about to give a cheeky answer, but my mouth ran dry the moment those silver eyes met mine. What _did_ I think about it? Did he really like spending time with me? Or did I get on his nerves sometimes? Did he see me as a friend, in the same way that I saw him?

My cheeks flared up as I thought back to the previous night, when I didn’t hesitate to imagine him in my bed, just so I could give myself some relief. Forget about whether or not Levi saw me as a friend—did _I_ see him as a friend? Or was he something more than that?

At this point, he had to be more than a friend to me. I had pleasured myself to his face, his body—and friends didn’t do that to each other. As much as I hated it, I couldn’t deny it. He was no longer “just a friend” to me.

Then…what was he? Surely I didn’t have any romantic feelings for him, right? He wasn’t into that, and neither was I. If there was any interest between us, it would be purely physical.

_By the Walls, that’s even worse._

But it had been a one-time thing. I could just forget about it and move on with my life. No doubt other girls had done the same thing, so what made me any different from them?

“I—”

Suddenly, Levi froze in his tracks, and his eyes were glued to the hall before us. He reached over and curled his fingers around my wrist, tugging me closer to him. But before I could question him, another figure joined us in the hallway.

_Oh, fuck._

“Good evening, Mia.”

Jax was still dressed in his black and white suit, the same one he had worn to the conference this morning. Thankfully, he didn’t get too close to us—but he was close enough. When he sent me that famous Jackson Meyer smile—the one that had made me weak in the knees when I was fifteen—it took all I had not to turn around and run away as fast as I could.

“…Hello, Jax.” I shifted my hand around, so my palm was pressing against the skin of Levi’s wrist. Knowing he was with me brought a sense of comfort to me. As long as he was here, I knew Jax wouldn’t try anything.

“I’ve been looking for you all day, but I couldn’t find you. And I didn’t want to as Hanji… You know how she is.”

_Oh yes, I do. Why do you think she hates your guts? You tried to take advantage of me!_

“Anyway, I wanted to apologize for earlier. I don’t know what has gotten into those men at the assembly, but the way they treated you was unacceptable. The same goes for you, Levi,” he added with a smile in the black-haired Scout’s direction. “They don’t see the value in having the two of you in the Scouts, and I want to apologize for that.”

 _Yeah, yeah, whatever._ It was all bullshit, and all three of us knew it. I wasn’t in the mood to listen to his excuses. “It’s fine, no big deal. It’s all over and done with.”

Levi remained silent throughout our exchange. I didn’t like the way he was looking at him—or the way Jax kept glancing over to him. My heart hammered against my chest as I saw his dark blue eyes travel down, to where Levi’s hand was still firmly secured around my wrist. When he glanced back up at me, he gave me a smile—but I could see the malice in his eyes.

_I have to get out of here._

“Actually, do you have a moment to talk, Mia? It’s been so long since we last saw each other, I figured it would be nice to catch up for a bit.”

Was he insane? The last interaction we’d had was after our graduation ceremony, when he had tried to rape me. I wasn’t about to go off alone with him and give him the opportunity to do it again. He was crazy if he thought I would fall right into his hands like nothing had changed.

“N-n-no thank you…” My mind was racing to think of an excuse to get him off my back. “Y-you see, I have to s-see Leyna…we’re l-l-leaving tomorrow, and I—”

“Come on, I insist,” he pushed, taking another step forward. “It’s been quite a while, I want to know what you’ve been up to.”

“She said no.”

Before I knew it, Levi had pulled on my wrist and brought me around to stand behind him. I shifted awkwardly, resting my free hand on his shoulder. Maybe if Jax thought we were together, he would back off.

Jax’s eyes glinted once more, and for a second, I thought he would argue with Levi. But he masked his anger with a smile, and he held his hands up in surrender. “That’s fine, I get it. I don’t want to pressure her into anything she doesn’t want to do.”

I shifted my head down, so neither of them could see the tears that had built up in my eyes. _Just leave, Jax. You’re not helping anyone by being here._

“I’ll see you two later, then.”

As he walked past us, I half-expected him to try to touch me or whisper something to me. But he simply carried on his way, without even looking over his shoulder at us.

Once I was sure we were alone, I let out a heavy sigh and stepped away from Levi. I blinked the tears out of my eyes, praying that he couldn’t see them.

“…Thanks for that…”

He didn’t answer, but the look in his eyes told me everything I needed to know. With a soft smile, I moved my hand around and held his own, so that our palms were pressed against each other. He didn’t object or pull away at this.

“I don’t like him.” His voice was so soft I thought I had imagined it. “He doesn’t…seem to be who he says he is. Stay away from him.”

“ _Pfft_ , you don’t have to tell me twice. There’s a reason I broke up with him.” But I would die before I told him that reason. “Come on, Leyna’s waiting. I know you don’t like her…but be nice, okay? She can be sweet once you get to know her.”

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

The two of us continued our trek toward Leyna’s room on the fifth floor, with a comfortable silence resting between us. All the while, his hand never left my own.

|~|

Sara was the one who answered the door when we arrived. The moment she saw me—and the man at my side—her eyebrow shot up. “Leyna’s not going to like this.”

“Well, she’ll have to deal. I just wanted to say goodbye to her.”

“Wait, you’re leaving already?”

“…Yeah, tomorrow morning.”

I didn’t want to get into the whole spiel with her; it would be hard enough with Leyna. So I was thankful when she simply nodded and glanced over her shoulder to yell at her roommate. From the little sliver the open door granted me, they were the only ones inside. Vivienne and Elise were nowhere to be found.

Thank the Walls for that. I didn’t know what I would have done if they had seen me with Levi.

“Leyna, your sister’s here.” A muffled reply from the room was her answer. If I had to guess, Leyna was probably in the bathroom. With a sigh, Sara turned back to us—but her eyes were honing in on Levi. “Not to be rude…but _why_ are you here?”

His eyes were no more than cold gray slits. “Why is that any of your business?”

“Just checking, calm down.” She rolled her eyes, leaning against the doorframe. “I’m just trying to make conversation. You don’t have to be such a jerk. No wonder Leyna’s not very fond of you.”

_Sara, what the hell?! Don’t piss him off!_

But it was too late. He didn’t waste a second in retaliating: “I couldn’t care less about what she thinks of me. I didn’t come here for her.”

“Oh?” I swallowed hard the moment I saw that familiar, mischievous glimmer in her hazel eyes. “Why _did_ you come here, then? To escort your girlfriend to see her sister?”

“Sara, stop!”

“It’s not like that,” he shut her down harshly. “Mind your own business.”

Although I knew it was the truth, I couldn’t help the pang of disappointment in my chest. Levi and I weren’t a couple—we were far from it. I knew it, he knew it. There was no hope for us getting together in the future. So then…why did it hurt so much to hear it out loud?

_Oh, get a grip, Wolf. You’re not helping yourself by indulging in your pathetic fantasies. You don’t need him, and he doesn’t need you. You’re fine as friends, that’s all._

I didn’t need him as something more in my life, and that was final. But why did my chest hurt when I told myself that?

The door opened a little wider, and my sister’s blond head came into view. Although her attention was focused on me for the most part, I didn’t miss the disapproving glance she gave Levi.

“You think you can give us a little privacy? _Both_ of you.”

I was thankful she didn’t direct this at only Levi, but she could have held back on the attitude. With a fierce glare, Levi took a few steps away from us and further down the hall, with his back turned to us. Sara also turned and disappeared further into the room. Now, more or less, Leyna and I had a little bit of alone time. 

“What’s up, Mia?”

My hands wrung around each other. Already, they felt empty without Levi’s hands around them. “…The Scouts are leaving the capital tomorrow. I wanted to let you know, so we could say goodbye…”

Leyna wasn’t big on goodbyes in front of her comrades, and to an extent, I could understand her. She had a reputation to uphold within the walls of this castle, and she refused to show any weakness to her subordinates. Because of this, she was against showing me and Ben too much affection whenever we visited Mitras. If we were really upset, she wouldn’t hesitate in comforting us right out there in the open, but for meager goodbyes, she was content with keeping her distance.

Even though I could understand where she was coming from, it still hurt. Sometimes I just wanted my sister’s arms around me, no matter how much she pissed me off. Now that we were the only ones left of our family of five, I yearned for her touch more than usual.

Her blue eyes softened at the news. “Already? Are you sure? You seemed…pretty upset earlier…”

I flinched at the memory of the conference. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry about it. The assembly didn’t try to disband the Scouts, so that’s all I care about.”

“That’s not what I mean.” She leaned in closer to my face—so close that I could count the freckles splotching her cheeks and nose. It used to be one of our favorite pastimes as children. “Mia, are you _sure_ you’re okay? Is there anything you want to talk about?”

No, absolutely not—way in hell would I ever burden her with the ghosts of my past. The only one I could trust with that kind of burden was Hanji, and she had already comforted me too many times at this point. I wasn’t going to put my losses on my sister’s shoulders. She had her own responsibilities to worry about, and I had mine. I didn’t need to share my pain with her; it would only make her worry. Neither of us needed that right now.

“I’m fine, I promise. I’ll be okay.” Please, drop it already. You don’t have to worry about me anymore.

Leyna nodded, but I could see it in her eyes that she didn’t believe me. Thankfully, she only nodded and brought me in for a quick hug. I wrapped my arms around her, breathing in her scent. As always, she smelled of roses and early morning rain (she really enjoyed using the fancy soaps they had in Wall Sina). As far as I knew, this could be my last time hugging her.

“I love you. Stay safe out there, you hear me?”

“I will, I promise. I love you, too.”

When she pulled away, she leaned in close to my ear. Her voiced dropped to a low whisper as she said, “Keep an eye on that guy with you. I still don’t trust him.”

Honestly, I didn’t think she ever would. But I only nodded and gave her what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “I will, don’t worry. I’ll see you later, right?”

“Right. See you later.”

It was easier to say that instead of actual goodbyes. They felt too final—like we wouldn’t be seeing each other after this. While that was entirely possible, it still gave us hope that we would find each other in the months to come.

Before she closed the door, I caught sight of the small silver wolf necklace resting against her throat. It warmed my heart to know she still wore it underneath her regular military uniform. I rarely took mine off—I did it only when I had to shower. Other than that, it stayed around my neck. It felt comforting to know Leyna did the same.

“Love you, Leyna.”

“Love you too, Mimi.”

The door clicked shut, separating the two of us. With a heavy sigh, I turned around and faced my escort. Levi was leaning against the wall, his eyes drifting down into the distance. The moment he heard my boots hitting the floor, however, he turned and met my gaze.

“All set?”

“Yeah, we’re good.”

As the two of us walked in silence, I was grateful he didn’t try to bring up Leyna’s attitude toward me. Surely he had the same questions she did, concerning my first squad. They had been equally surprised when Aurille had blurted my past out to them like it was nothing. Just like Leyna, he was bound to ask me about it one of these days.

But he didn’t, and for that, I was thankful. I wasn’t ready to talk about what had happened that day, and frankly, I didn’t think I ever would be. But he respected my privacy, and for now, that was all I could ask for.

I stole a quick glance at him as we made it down the staircase. As I wrapped my arms around myself, I tried my best to hide a smile. Maybe Hanji had been right, in a weird, twisted sort of way. Maybe he really _was_ what I needed in my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently Levi doesn't seem too fond of Jax either... It will be a while before we see him again, but he will be making a return (unfortunately). Hopefully then Levi will be able to put him in his place, for Mia's sake ;) Also, Mia really has to learn to keep her mouth shut around authorities. While I appreciate her temper and her passion, I wish she would just keep quiet sometimes. Like, I love you honey, but you'll just end up getting yourself into more trouble. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! The next one will be posted in a few days, as I'm trying to keep a constant schedule for you lovelies. Let me know what you guys think, and I'll see you for the next one! :)


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm back! This chapter is longer...but you'll see why soon enough. :) Before you guys begin, I just want to issue another content warning for this chapter, for two separate issues. The first half deals with graphic descriptions of childbirth (because Anna has to have that baby sometime!) and the medical process that goes along with it. I did my best to research this, so I apologize if everything isn't 100% scientifically accurate. I'm not an actual doctor, but I'm not claiming to be, either. But I wanted to make this as realistic as possible! 
> 
> The second half delves into some...sensual themes between Levi and Mia. I can't say anything more than that, because I don't want to spoil anything, but things are starting to heat up between them. And at this point, I think Mia has accepted the fact that she's totally smitten with him (I mean, I can't blame her). It's not too detailed, but it's not innocent either. It's not smut, but there's tension - A LOT of it. 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who's read this story and/or commented, left kudos, bookmarked, subscribed, etc. You guys are awesome, and I'm so glad you're on this journey with me to see Mia's development with Levi. Now, without further ado, enjoy the chapter! :)

|XXIX|

The rest of the summer months had passed quickly. Because of our new arrangement with the royal assembly, the Scouts weren’t able to continue with our planned expeditions for the rest of the season. It was too risky to continue them in the fall and winter, especially with the amount of snow expected to fall. We were predicting another harsh winter, so we wouldn’t be able to go out beyond the Walls until next spring.

Erwin had been…less than pleased with me, after the six of us left Mitras. When we finally made it back to our base, he had told me to see him in his office. While he didn’t yell at me like I knew Commander Shadis would have done, the disappointment was still evident in his voice. Honestly, I would have felt less guilty about the whole ordeal if he had just yelled at me and got it over with.

While I was allowed to remain the captain of the Elite Reconnaissance Squad, he wasn’t about to let me get off scot free. Before he let me leave his office, he had shoved a huge stack of leather folders into my arms. Each folder had roughly fifty sheets of paper in them; my stomach dropped when I realized there were even more sheets tucked in between the flaps of the folders.

_I guess this is my punishment. Extra paperwork…_

Although it wasn’t easy to get through, I couldn’t really complain. I would gladly keep myself up at night doing paperwork, if it meant I could keep my squad and my captain title.

On the days I couldn’t make time for training, due to the immense amount of paperwork Erwin had assigned me (on top of the usual stack I had to fill out because I was a Squad Leader), I either had Reggie lead the exercises, or I had them team up with Hanji or Levi. Most of the time it was Levi, but that was only because our squads worked so well together.

Toward the beginning of fall, Levi had chosen another cadet to join his Special Operations Squad: Gunther Schultz, who was roughly the same age as Eld, and a graduate of the same training corps as him, Reggie, Gretel, and Evan. He had been one of the recruits that managed to survive the bloodbath of the last expedition, and according to Ness, he didn’t hesitate to put his life on the line for his comrades. After months of evaluating him, Levi had finally agreed to place him on his squad.

Even though I had only met the kid a handful of times, he was a joy to be around. He was very respectful and always wore a soft smile on his face, despite everything he had seen on the field so far. He was usually around Eld, but he was friendly with Gretel and Evan, too. Reggie tended to keep his distance, but he was like that with everyone.

On the topic of Reggie, I had officially made him my second-in-command. He wasn’t too expressive to begin with, but he had been grateful when I offered him the promotion. I could see it in his eyes, and when he turned around to walk out of my office, he had a little spring in his step.

So far, despite our current situation with the royal assembly in Mitras, everything was going fine. It was nice to have a few calm months where all we could focus on was paperwork and training.

|~|

But that didn’t apply to every single day. In the middle of October, Anna had gone into labor late at night, when the moon was at its peak. The poor girl had been staying in the medical wing for the past few days so Lina could keep an eye on her. She didn’t want to chance moving her to the hospital in either Trost or Karanes, since she didn’t want to put extra stress on her. Lina had delivered babies before, so this wasn’t anything new to her. She knew exactly what to do the moment Anna started freaking out. She was cool and calm and collected throughout the entire process.

…However, I was not.

Despite my experience in the years I spent training as a medic student, I had never been trained in the field of childbirth. Honestly, I didn’t see the point—we were soldiers, for crying out loud! The medics needed to know how to patch up wounds, fix internal bleeding, and properly repair bones. Once in a blue moon would we actually assist in delivering a baby, and when we did, it never happened within the comfort of our own medical wing.

But Lina was confident in herself and her skills. And for all it was worth, I trusted her. So did Anna—I could see it in her hazel eyes.

We were the only ones in the medical wing tonight, apart from the two nurses in the back room. Evan had been in here earlier, after accidentally dislocating his shoulder while sparring with Gretel, but he was long gone by now. Lina yelled out the door and down the hall to the other nurses before turning back to Anna.

“Mia, I’m going to need your help with this. We need all the hands we can get right now.”

I didn’t feel qualified enough to help her out with such a serious procedure, but I wasn’t about to argue with her. Not in front of Anna, anyway. She needed all the support she could get at the moment, and I wasn’t going to make her feel nervous.

I rolled up my sleeves and washed my hands just as the nurses ran into the room. As I watched them move about the room, fetching fresh blankets and supplies from the numerous shelves, my heart began to race. My palms began to grow sweaty as I saw Lina move a pillow underneath Anna’s hips, to give her some momentum.

All three of them worked so effortlessly, and they moved so fluidly throughout the room. They didn’t even need to communicate—they had obviously done this before. The two nurses didn’t even look nervous; they had complete faith in Lina to guide them through this debacle.

How was I going to fit in with them? Wouldn’t I just get in the way if I tried to help? I didn’t want to make this any harder for them, or for Anna. I wasn’t a real medic, like they were. I didn’t have the years of experience Lina and the other medics had.

Why did she even want me in here? Didn’t she have enough help between her and the other two nurses? Why did she need me?

_I should be working on that mountain of paperwork Erwin gave me yesterday… Why did I even come here tonight?_

I didn’t want to screw this up for Anna—not with the emotional state she was in. She deserved better than that.

“Mia, get over here now.” The moment the words left Lina’s lips, I was at her side. I held my tongue firmly between my teeth as she gazed at me with bright green eyes. “It’ll be a while before the baby starts crowning, but I need you to be ready. Until then, stay with Anna and keep her talking. Make her as comfortable as possible—we don’t need her in any more pain. Understood?”

It wasn’t a question. In Lina’s eyes, I was a medic, and I was going to act like one. It didn’t matter to her that I didn’t have experience in this procedure. I had signed up to be a medic, and that’s what she expected me to be.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Good. Then get her some water and a wet rag.”

For the first two hours, I stayed by Anna’s side, letting her take small sips of water from the glass one of the nurses had brought in. Every now and then, at Lina’s advice, the two of us took a trip to the bathroom so she could relieve herself. Apparently sitting on a full bladder not only hurt, but it could provide later problems with the birth. None of us wanted to deal with that.

By the third hour, I was mopping up Anna’s sweaty brow with a cool wet cloth. Lina and the two nurses were constantly moving throughout the room, checking her vitals and retrieving supplies from the cabinets. Lina did her best to stay in the room, to make sure we weren’t alone, and when she couldn’t, she had one of the other nurses stay with us. One of them happened to be the girl who had patched me up after the Abnormal attack two years ago, when we lost Flagon and the rest of his squad.

All the while, I kept talking to Anna in what I hoped was a low, calming voice. I thought back to the countless stories Ma used to tell me, about when she gave birth to me and my siblings. Dad had stayed by her side the entire time, rubbing her back and holding her hand. I tried to do the same with Anna, but there were only so many things I could do without making it awkward between us.

Right now, she didn’t need me guiding her through this. She needed Charles.

My chest tightened as I gazed at her hand resting in my own. I had held her boyfriend’s hand the same way, as he bled out in front of me. I grimaced at the memory of his blood pooling under my skin, staining the bandages I had pressed against his abdomen. My bottom lip trembled when I thought of his lifeless green eyes staring back up at me. Nothing, not even Anna’s name, could have brought him back that day.

_No, cut it out. You don’t need to think about that right now. Focus on Anna—she needs you._

“It’ll be nice when you finally meet the little guy.” The words just poured out of my mouth, and no matter how hard I mentally kicked myself, I couldn’t stop talking. “Or, do you think it’s a girl? What do you hope they’ll be?”

She gave me a weak smile. At least she wasn’t screaming at me to leave her alone. (Dad had told me horror stories of both Ma and his cousin giving birth, and they had gotten quite snippy with him as a result.) “I don’t know… A girl would be nice, but I also want a boy…”

Of course she wanted a boy. No doubt he would be the spitting image of Charles.

“Who knows? Maybe you’ll get lucky, and you’ll have twins!”

A breathless laugh slipped from her mouth. “I don’t know about that. I think I’m okay with just one of those little cuties.”

She winced in pain again, and I continued to blot her neck and face with the rag. As much as she was trying to put on a brave face, I knew she was suffering. This birth was starting to take its toll on her, and according to Lina, she wasn’t even halfway done with it. First-time moms could take up to twelve hours to dilate, and sometimes it took even longer than that.

For Ma, it had taken her exactly fifteen hours, and she never let us forget it. Because it was rare to give birth to triplets, she had been emitted into one of the best hospitals in Ehrmich District, just to make sure there were no problems. As the doctors predicted, we were born almost two months early. Because we had been so small, we needed to stay in the hospital for another two weeks—but after that, we had been approved to go home. By then, Ma and Dad were ecstatic to bring us back to their small apartment.

I had overheard Anna talking to Lina on the days I would help out in the medical wing. She planned to move back to Krolva District, toward the west side of Wall Rose, to live with her brother and his family, until she was able to find a place on her own. While Erwin and the rest of the Scouts had given her the support she needed, we knew it couldn’t last forever. A military base was no place for a baby to grow up in, end of story.

Halfway through the fourth hour, Anna’s contractions were getting worse. Despite the obvious pain on her face, Lina assured us this was a good sign. “It means the baby’s on its way, sweetheart. Keep pushing—it shouldn’t be long now.”

Through the rest of the fourth hour, and well into the fifth, I kept rinsing her face and rubbing her forehead. She was getting less responsive to my attempts at small talk, but I knew it wasn’t her fault. If the pain was like anything Ma had described years ago, it was all she could think about.

Finally, a huge smile broke out onto Lina’s face. “It’s crowning, I can see it! Alright, Anna, I need you to push. Mia, come over here.”

I gave Anna’s hand a final squeeze before making my way over to Lina. The medic had stationed herself at the foot of the bed between the girl’s legs. She moved me closer and pointed to the very top of the baby’s head.

“Alright, I’m going to help her push, and when I do, make sure the baby comes out slowly. Let me know when the head is out, you hear?”

I nodded and held my hands out. I wouldn’t let Anna and Charles down.

“Okay Anna, push.”

The girl grunted and screamed as she pushed with all her might. The other nurses raced to her side to encourage her, but she wasn’t having any of it. At this point, the poor girl wanted this whole debacle to be over.

And honestly, I didn’t blame her in the slightest.

Five minutes passed, then ten, then twenty. By now, the early morning sun was starting to peak through the windows. I didn’t expect this whole process to take so long. I had thought it only took a few pushes, and the baby was out. But no, this little stinker was a tough one. He was determined to give his mom a hard time.

Eventually, the head finally slipped out, and I could make out his scrunched up nose and mouth. “Head’s out!” At my words, Lina stopped immediately and turned around.

“Anna, it’s okay, you can relax for now. Mia, place your hands here.” I let her guide my hands over and underneath the baby, and one of the nurses used a small towel to wipe away the excess fluid on the baby’s nose and mouth. “The hard part’s over, Anna, now just follow my lead. I need you to push. Mia, be ready to catch that baby. Alright…one, two, three!”

Anna gave one last push, and Lina pressed down firmly on her abdomen to give her some extra momentum. Just as Lina had said, the baby slipped out easily—and before I knew it, I was holding a messy, gooey baby boy in my hands.

_Holy shit, I can’t believe it— I’m holding a baby—_

I had never held a baby before in my life, so I didn’t know what to do with it. So I just stood there awkwardly with the wriggling mess in my palms, until the nurse finally cut the umbilical cord and decided to take it from me. I stared at my hands, which were coated in white and pink matter.

“Mia, get those blankets over there. He needs to be wrapped up.”

The room was suddenly filled with the baby’s wails and Anna’s relieved sobbing. Eager to distract myself, I raced to the other side of the room and hastily washed and dried my hands. Once I was done, I grabbed the blankets on the counter and brought them over to the extra table. Lina was already there, wiping off the baby.

“Wrap him up, and make sure his head is supported. I need to help her out with the afterbirth.”

With the other nurse holding his head up, I swaddled the baby as gently as I could. I couldn’t help but smile as I took in his squished-in features and matted dark hair. It was a little frightening, how much he looked like Charles already. They had the same hair and the same mouth. As I pulled the blankets around his tiny chest, I could only wonder if he had inherited Anna’s eyes or Charles’ eyes.

Once he was all swaddled up, the nurse handed him off to me, and I held him against my chest. I prayed I wouldn’t screw anything up—this _was_ my first time actually holding a baby. But while his warm weight in my arms made me nervous, it also made me…happy. There was just something about him that brought a smile to my face.

_I wonder if Ma had felt like this when she held me, or Leyna and Ben. Did Dad feel this way, too?_

It was almost _euphoric_.

But I couldn’t keep him all to myself for too long. When Lina gave me a nod, I passed the baby off to his mother. Anna’s hazel eyes shone with tears as she wrapped her arms around her son and pulled him close to her chest. As soon as his skin brushed against hers, his crying subsided, and he let out a satisfied hum. Anna continued to whisper sweet nothings to him, slowly rocking him against her chest.

“It’s alright, Mia,” Lina whispered to me, her mouth strung up in a tired smile, “you can step outside for a minute. Take a break, you deserve it.”

I didn’t hesitate to leave the room—but not after stealing one more look at Anna and her baby boy. As the door shut behind me, I let out a huge sigh of relief. My legs wobbled underneath me, but I fought to stay upright.

It was finally over. After months of helping her move around the base and checking up on her to make sure she was healthy, Anna’s pregnancy was over and done with. Now, she had a beautiful baby boy in her arms—who evidently took after his father. The exhausted yet prideful smile she wore on her face never left my mind.

She deserved it all. After everything she had been through, she deserved all the happiness in the world. She deserved that little boy in her arms. She deserved a week’s worth of sleep after that labor. She deserved to live the best life she could possibly live for her and her baby.

For a split second, I remembered holding the baby in my arms—and wondered what it would have been like to hold my own baby like that. As soon as the thought entered my mind, I shook my head to make it disappear. However, it lingered a little longer than I had anticipated.

The dream of having my own children was a thing of the past, as much as it hurt to admit it. I didn’t have time to find a husband and settle down and have kids of my own. I had dedicated my heart to humanity, nothing more, nothing less. Perhaps when the Titans were destroyed, and we were free to explore the world beyond the Walls, I could settle down with a family of my own. But that wasn’t my top priority right now.

I almost didn’t hear the door open behind me. Suddenly, Lina was at my side, massaging her temples. Now that we were in the faint morning sunlight, I could see the heavy bags under her eyes.

“Long night, huh?” I didn’t know what to say, so I simply nodded and shrugged my shoulders. “Not bad for a first delivery, Wolf. I’m impressed. You didn’t lose your cool once.”

“…I wanted to, though.”

She let out a laugh at my confession. “I figured—I could see it in your eyes. You looked like you were ready to puke when I told you we needed your help.”

Now that the work was finished, she was much more relaxed and friendly with me. But she was like this with all of her medical procedures. When she was in “the zone,” or however she called it, she wasn’t in the mood to mess around and crack jokes. But once she was done with whatever she had been doing, she was free to laugh about the whole ordeal.

I was just thankful she wasn’t angry at me for looking like I was about to vomit earlier. If she was, I would’ve wished for a black hole to open up beneath me and swallow me whole.

“We’ll be fine for now. Go on, get some sleep. I’ll let the Commander know where you’ve been, if he asks for you.”

I didn’t like the idea of putting off my training and paperwork for another day, but I knew I wouldn’t be getting anything done with the way I was yawning. I hadn’t gotten any sleep during the night, so I was absolutely drained. It would be a miracle if I managed to make it back to my office without tripping over my own two feet.

“I guess you’re right… Thanks, Dr. Stuber.”

“No, thank _you_ , Mia. You were a big help. And I know Anna appreciates you being there with her.”

I could feel my cheeks start to heat up, and already, a headache was starting to settle in. With a mumbled “thank you” to her, I headed down the hall and toward the main castle. My head pounded with each step, but other than that, I was feeling pretty damn happy with myself.

That baby had been brought into this world with my help. I was one hundred percent certain that Lina could have delivered him without my help, but despite all of that, she had instructed me to stay. In my own way, I had helped Anna through her labor. And in the end, I had held that beautiful baby boy against my chest.

 _Maybe I should visit her later today, after my nap_ , I thought to myself as I scaled the steps to my office. I hadn’t gotten the chance to ask her what she planned to name him, and I was dying to know.

I was ecstatic by the time I reached my office. With a tired groan, I pushed the door open and headed straight for the couch across my desk. I didn’t even bother to take off my boots; I flopped down on the cushions, and the moment my head hit the pillows, I was out like a light.

|~|

My head was still pounding by the time I had woken up from my nap, but it was nothing a light lunch and some water couldn’t fix. Even in my exhausted state, my happy mood didn’t falter. I still remembered Anna and her son clearly, and every time I did, I ended up smiling like an idiot.

“Someone’s happy today.”

I swung my head around to the left—and nearly shrieked when I saw Levi leaning on my desk across the room. I pressed myself further into the couch, as if I was trying to scoot away from him. As I struggled to comprehend the situation, he only stared at me with those burning silver slits.

_I didn’t— How did— Wait, what the fuck?!_

“What are you doing in here?!” _I don’t remember inviting him in! How did he even get in here?!_

“Relax, brat, it’s not what you think.” He held up a hand to protect himself as I chucked one of the pillows at his head. He batted it away almost effortlessly, a smug smile on his face. “You left your door open wide open. Hanji was worried about you, so she came in to check up on you. I still don’t know why she felt the need to come and tell me, but whatever,” he added with a grumble.

 _Wait, the door?_ My cheeks flared up as I thought back to this morning, when I returned to my office in a daze. Did I forget to lock the door like I usually do? Had it just been open for anyone to walk in?

_By the Walls, I’m such an idiot!_

“…Sorry…”

“Tch, just don’t do it again. You had Hanji pretty worried, you know.” He leaned over and scooped the pillow up from the floor. I tried to ignore the growing blush on my face when he walked closer to me, the pillow dangling from his grip. “What’s wrong with you?”

“…What do you mean? I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.”

I jolted when he took a seat next to me on the couch, his knee brushing against my own. As much as I tried to, I couldn’t look away from those eyes. My blush only worsened as I felt his gaze trail up and over my face, my shoulders, my chest—

“You look like shit.” I glared at him, but he didn’t seem to care. “It’s almost noon. You weren’t with your squad this morning, so I had to have them train with Eld and Gunther.” _Well, at least my kids are taken care of._ “Didn’t you sleep at all last night?”

“Ah…”

My mind was a frantic mess. Was it already noon? Had I really slept that long? I had only meant to take an hour-long nap, and then jump right back into my paperwork. Did Reggie, Gretel, and Evan really have to start their training without me? _Some Squad Leader you are, Wolf. Keep this up and you’ll be setting a fine example for them._

How could I explain it to him? He didn’t even know I had been in the medical wing last night—how would he react when he learned I had spent the night helping Anna through the birth of her son? Had the news already made it through the base? Did Commander Erwin know? Did Hanji and the other Squad Leaders know yet? I knew Levi wouldn’t really care either way, but did he know?

“…I was busy last night. I had to…help Anna out…” When I thought back to the way she had held her newborn baby close to her chest, another goofy smile made its way onto my face. “…Last night she had her baby, so Lina wanted me to help her out with the delivery.”

It wasn’t a secret that I was training to become a medic. Hell, Levi had known all the way back in 844, when we had just started talking to each other. And now that I was leading my own squad, my training was more important than ever. Apart from the main medical team stationed at the base, each squad had a trained medic. Upon selecting Gretel, Reggie, and Evan for my new squad, I had decided to take up the medic responsibilities myself. I didn’t want any of my recruits to have to worry about that, on top of their training.

Naturally, it was expected of me to spend as much time as I could studying and practicing medicine under Lina’s supervision. However, childbirth didn’t exactly fall into the category of “need to know” practices for soldiers.

If he was surprised, he hid it well. Instead, he leaned further into the couch, spreading his arm along the back of it. “You actually delivered a baby?”

Why did he sound so skeptical? Sure, it wasn’t something that happened often at our base, but female soldiers had given birth to their children before. Some of them even let their kids visit their fathers on the base, although it was rare these days, now that Shiganshina had been breached.

But everyone had known by now that Anna had been pregnant—I mean, it was hard to miss, at this point. We all knew she was due any day now, so it shouldn’t have been a shock to him. He wasn’t friendly towards Anna like he was with me, or Hanji, or Erwin, but they still knew that the other existed. Surely he had to have known she was closer to giving birth in the weeks leading up to this, right?

“You don’t need to sound so disgusted,” I mumbled, swinging my legs up and over his lap. I hid a victorious smirk when I saw his eyebrow quirk up in disdain. “It’s a beautiful process, you know.”

It was honestly one of the few glimmers of hope we were allowed to have in this wretched world. When I held Anna’s baby boy for the first time, I started to forget all about the Titans lurking beyond Wall Rose. I forgot about the countless soldiers I had seen perish at the hands of the Titans, and the pain and grief that came with each death. For a split second, I had even forgotten about Charles dying in my arms. When I held his son in my arms, all I could think of was how happy he would have been to meet his child.

But Levi didn’t seem to share the same appreciation for it as I did. I could see it in the way he curled his lip.

“It’s disgusting.”

I scoffed and rested my head against the arm of the couch. “What, you’re afraid of the mess? Come on, grow up. Babies are naturally messy, get over it.”

I wasn’t about to deny that the entire procedure had been a little gross. There had been so much blood and grime, and it had taken forever for them to clean up the baby. Not to mention the screams Anna had let out during the whole ordeal.

But in the end, none of that had mattered. It had been worth it, to see Anna so happy holding her baby. I would go through it again in a heartbeat if it meant she would keep smiling like that.

“They’re still annoying as hell.” With a grunt, he shoved my legs off of his lap, and I hissed in pain when they collided with the floor. “And get your filthy boots off of me.”

I rolled my eyes and began to unlace my boots. “Oh, what do you know about babies to begin with, Mr. Clean Freak?” I didn’t miss the death glare he gave me as I slipped my boots off and propped them up against the couch. “I doubt you’ve ever delivered one, so you can’t talk about it.”

With a huff, I swung my legs back up and over his lap. But he was ready for me this time. He pushed my legs away and glared at me through his overgrown black bangs. I hated to admit it, but he looked pretty handsome in the moment.

_Holy crap, Wolf, is that all you ever think about?_

Ever since the two of us had returned from Mitras, I had been nervous that things would change between us, now that Levi knew of Jax’s existence and my past relationship with him. Thankfully, he didn’t pressure me to tell him anything—but I could tell he was still curious. Still, I was grateful for his consideration of my feelings.

We still spent most of our nights together (often in his room rather than mine), simply filling out paperwork and enjoying each other’s company. I was relieved to see him as a friend—and _only_ a friend. Now that I was out of Mitras and away from Leyna and her friends, I didn’t feel the need to view him in a romantic light. Not that I wanted to, to begin with.

Still…I found myself admiring his looks a little more than I usually would have. There were times in my office where I would space out, and I would randomly think of him while I was supposed to be writing up reports of my squad. Sometimes, when the two of us would sit side by side at his desk, so I could evaluate his handwriting, it took me a little too long to stop staring at him. Thankfully he didn’t seem to notice.

But that was all this little infatuation was: fleeting looks and constant blushes. I knew it would never escalate into something further, and a part of me was okay with that.

 _Only a part of you_ , that doubtful voice in the back of my head pointed out. _That means you **do** want something more. _

No, I couldn’t think like that. I had to quit while I was ahead, so I wouldn’t be setting myself up for failure.

“Stop it, Wolf.” He shoved my legs off of him again, a little more forcefully this time. But I continued to stretch them out into his lap, smiling all the while. “I said _stop it_.”

“What, are you getting uncomfortable?” _Good, then maybe he’ll know how I feel whenever he decides to tease me_. “Come on, I’m just trying to have some fun.”

He swatted my legs away, but before I could move them again, he leaned over and pressed down hard on my legs, just below my knees. As he glared at me with those stunning silver hues, I could feel my face begin to heat up. But I wasn’t about to let him see me so flustered, so I simply smiled.

“Oh, lighten up, _captain_.” I still hadn’t forgotten the way he had teased me using that same title a few months back, when we had first started training with our squads. Hopefully I would be able to evoke the same reaction he had gotten out of me that day.

I didn’t think anything of it when I saw his eyes dart to the door, which was now closed and latched up. But I started to have second thoughts when his eyes met mine, and I could see the eminent smirk on his face.

_What does he have in mind? Whatever it is, I hope I don’t end up regretting it._

“You want me to lighten up, do you?” His voice was dangerously low, and it didn’t help that his face inched closer to my body with every word he spoke. I was absolutely certain he could see the bright shade of red my face had become. “Fine, then… I’ll _lighten up_ for you.”

Suddenly, his hands had circled around my waist, and he yanked me off of the couch and onto the floor below. The two of us had become nothing but a writhing mess of limbs on the aging wooden floor. But no matter how hard I tried, I found myself gazing up at him, with his hands wrapped loosely around my wrists and his knees on either side of my legs. All the while, I couldn’t stop laughing.

There was a strange familiarity about this position; when I jogged my memory, I realized it had been the same position he had trapped me in when we had been in Shiganshina, right after Ben had been killed. Back then, I had been terrified and almost disgusted with him for putting me in such a situation—the memories of Jax had been too fresh for me. But now, it was a different story.

He shook his head as I stared up at him, soft giggles spilling from my lips. “You’re a weird one, kid.”

“Yeah…but you still put up with me.”

“Tch, I suppose I do.”

I was grateful for the door being locked, because I would have died of embarrassment if Hanji or anyone else walked in on the position we were in—or what I was about to do. As subtly as I could, I inched my left leg closer to his knee, keeping my eyes glued to his. When I was sure he wasn’t paying attention, I lashed out and hooked him right in his inner thigh.

I knew it was a low blow, but I was planning on winning this little game. He had started it, but I was going to finish it.

He winced and curled up slightly, but it was all I needed. I lurched myself up and flipped him around, slamming his shoulders into the floor. Before he could get a chance to get away and turn this around on me, I found his wrists and held them over his head. I gave him a triumphant smile as I hovered over him, which only made him frown. Some of my hair had fallen over my shoulders, and now it was brushing against my throat. My wolf necklace dangled above him, barely brushing his nose.

“So, this was your plan of _lightening up_ , huh? I like it.”

His eyes hardened as he felt my fingers tighten around his wrists. “Don’t get used to it, brat. You’ve had your fun, now get off of me.”

“Hm…” I glanced to the side, pretending to be lost in thought. After a moment, I turned back to him and shook my head. “No, I don’t think I will.”

I didn’t know what it was, but something about him had lit a fire in my belly. It must have been the way his elbows were bent, or maybe it was the way his black hair was disheveled and splayed across his forehead. But for some reason, he looked rather… _attractive_ —and more so than usual.

My entire body froze when I saw the faintest tinge of pink on his cheeks. Suddenly, I thought back to that fateful, sleepless night in Mitras, when I had pleasured myself to the thought of his face and his body. I had imagined him in this _exact same position_ , and now that he was actually under me, I felt different…but in a good way.

Just like before, I felt a surge of power flooding through my veins. I would never admit it out loud, because I would rightfully earn a punch to the face, but he looked vulnerable right now—in a good way, though. It wasn’t an uncomfortable feeling, like the time he admitted he wanted me to help him with his literacy skills a few months ago. He looked vulnerable in a way that made me feel strong and in charge.

_What the hell am I thinking?! Get away from him before this gets out of hand! You don’t want to end up hurting yourself, Wolf!_

I was well aware of my own blush by now, but that didn’t stop me from doing what I did next. I bit my lip softly before leaning down closer to his ear. I could smell a warm, musky aroma—along with a hint of peppermint. _Huh, that must be his natural smell. I like it._

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you blush before… _captain_.”

I should have known that I was crossing a dangerous line, but it was too late. Even then, I didn’t care about the consequences. I only smirked as he growled and flipped us over. This time, he didn’t hesitate to push a little harder on my wrists, and he allowed a little bit of his weight to rest on my torso. As much as I wriggled underneath him, trying to escape, I knew I wasn’t getting out of here any time soon.

And I wasn’t worried in the slightest.

Honestly, seeing him in this light was exciting. His black hair was tousled and his eyes were a smoky gray. Even if we were only wrestling for fun, the aura he gave off was dominant and commanding. He made it clear that _he_ was the one in charge, not me. And by the way he was gazing at me with those gorgeous dark eyes—and holding my wrists in one hand, leaving his other hand totally free—I could only wonder what would happen if I tried to fight back.

I wasn’t nervous that I couldn’t break free from his grip. I didn’t shy away from his intense stare or shrink underneath the ever-present scowl on his face. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, so I had nothing to fear. It was all fun and games for us—I knew it would never escalate into something serious. But still, that didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy it for the time being.

I wasn’t ashamed to admit it: I was _turned on_ by this new attitude of his.

“You’re getting to be a real pain in my ass, Wolf.” His baritone voice sent a fresh wave of heat up my face and neck.

But I couldn’t help but play along with him. I liked seeing him all worked up like this. Now I could see why he liked doing it to me so much. “What are you going to do about it?”

 _Are we technically flirting with each other? Does this count as flirting?_ I wasn’t about to ask Hanji about it, but still… It made me wonder.

Flirting wasn’t supposed to come naturally to me. I was a wreck at anything in the field of romance, and I had been ever since I started dating boys in the 90th Training Corps. Hell, I couldn’t even hold a conversation with Levi without blushing at least once! So where was all this confidence coming from? What had happened to the shy, uncertain Mia I had been before?

It wasn’t until I saw that roguish glint in his eyes that my smirk started to falter. But I wasn’t about to push him off of me. Whatever he was planning to say or do to me, I didn’t want him to stop.

He stretched out his arms, shifting his weight and lowering himself further onto my torso. I wasn’t expecting him to kiss me, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t caught off guard by what he did instead. Before I knew it, his hot breath was fanning against my ear. His free hand trailed up my chest and neck, leaving feather-light touches in its wake.

“I’ll show you.”

I sucked in a sharp breath at his gravelly voice. Damn it, he was doing this on purpose! He knew I was getting all hot and bothered, and he was using it to his advantage. And it didn’t help that his lower half was pressing into my waist.

_Get a grip, Wolf! He’s trying to catch you off guard. He wants to distract you. Don’t let him win! Show him that you can take it, that he can’t boss you around anymore! Show him you’re the one in charge, not him! Show him—_

A pathetic squeak left my lips when I felt a small, sharp sensation right below my ear, at the tip of my jaw. It wasn’t too painful, but it was enough to make me jump. When I finally felt my muscles relax, I could practically _hear_ the prideful smirk he wore.

_Did… Did he just **bite** me?! _

I won’t lie—it was arousing as fuck. Through the haze my mind had become, I was so tempted to wriggle out of his arms and slam him back down on the floor. I would show him _exactly_ who he was messing with. If he wanted to play that way, I would give him a few bites of my own.

“You think this is funny, don’t you?”

He nipped the skin above my jaw again before answering me in that deep whisper of his. “And you don’t? I find it rather amusing.” His hand buried itself into my hair and tugged my head to the side. Now he was free to roam my neck as he pleased. “Maybe this will help you learn your lesson. Don’t start shit you can’t finish, Wolf.”

My eyes fluttered shut as I felt his teeth graze along the skin of my throat. I bit my tongue to hold back a moan as he latched onto the left side of my collarbone. When he started nipping and sucking on it, the taste of blood filled my mouth.

_Holy shit, what is happening right now? Should I stop him? Should I let him continue? Do I **want** this to continue? What does this mean for us? Is this his way of dropping hints that he wants something more from me? Or is he just messing around with me? Is this all a game to him? _

A harsh pounding at the door made us both jump. In a flash, Levi had ripped his hands away from my wrists and hair, like he had been burned. His eyes were as wide as I’d ever seen them as the pounding resumed.

_The door’s locked…so why did he stop?_

“Mia, are you awake yet? Let me in!”

I scoffed at the voice. _Hanji_. Of course, it had to be Hanji.

“I should probably…let her inside…”

Despite the intimate position we had been in just moments ago, I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eye. I wasn’t ashamed of what had just transpired between us. In fact, I wanted _more_ of it. But it seemed like the Mia from before had finally made her appearance, and now I was back to blushing uncontrollably under his silver gaze.

Levi didn’t waste a second in crawling off of me and pushing himself off the floor. I did the same, brushing off my clothes and straightening out my hair. I didn’t want Hanji to get the wrong idea if she saw me and Levi together—in a locked room, no less.

But I didn’t want to leave him on that note. I felt like I had to say _something_ , just so he wouldn’t feel like he had done something wrong. I wasn’t uncomfortable when he had pinned me down—it had all been in good fun. And I wasn’t ashamed to admit I wanted him to continue.

But not when Hanji was right outside the door.

“I should go,” he spoke up, clearing his throat, “before Shitty Glasses starts getting any ideas.”

“Uh, y-yeah, I guess so…”

I tried my best to ignore the lump in my throat. I didn’t want him to leave, but I didn’t want Hanji—or anyone else, for that matter—meddling in with whatever had just happened between us.

But I couldn’t let him walk away just like that. I had to speak to him. I had to let him know I was okay with what had happened—that I hoped things wouldn’t change for the worse between us.

“Wait!”

He glanced at me from over his shoulder, his hand already curled around the brass doorknob. I nearly melted underneath that burning silver gaze. My mouth was dry, but I forced myself to speak. I had his attention, and I wasn’t about to let him go.

“I just want to say…well, I—” _Oh, just spit it out, Wolf. Get it over with already!_ “…I don’t regret…you know, what we just…”

Ugh, how could I say this without sounding like an absolute idiot? With a heavy sigh, I crossed my arms over my chest and turned away from him. Whatever I had to say, I couldn’t do it and look him in the eyes. I just couldn’t.

“I-I mean, it was…nice.”

_Nice?! You could have chosen any other word to describe how it felt, and you chose **nice**?! You’re such a dumbass, Wolf. _

But he didn’t scoff at me or ridicule me, like I thought he would. He just remained silent, with his gaze still fixated on me. Honestly, the silence was more unnerving than any insult he could have thrown at me.

“I-if I overstepped—”

“No, it’s fine.”

His voice was firm, but it wasn’t cold like it usually was. When I met his eyes, I saw the faintest glimmer of a smile in them. I tried to keep my blush at bay, but I could tell I was failing. And the warm, fuzzy feeling that had started growing in the center of my chest wasn’t helping me at all.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

Well, at least he doesn’t seem to regret anything. It would have been heartbreaking if he had shown remorse for what he had done. I was glad he was owning up to his actions, and maybe even taking a little pride in them. It gave me hope for the future, whatever it had in store for us.

When I gave him a nod, he turned the knob and opened the door. Hanji lowered her fist, as if she had planned on knocking again. She gave me a smile when her eyes met mine.

“It’s nice to see you up and about, Mia. We were worried about you.”

As she stepped inside, she threw an arm around Levi’s shoulders. Surprisingly, he allowed her to do this. It made me smile, knowing he was so much more comfortable around her—even if he found her to be annoying most of the time.

“I’m alright, just a little tired. I was helping Lina out all night.”

“Oh, I know! I was just over in the medical wing to see Anna and the new baby. He’s so cute! He looks exactly like Charles! You wanna go see him, now that you’re awake?”

“Sure, just give me a minute.” I was eager to see Anna again, now that I wasn’t so sleep deprived. Hopefully Anna had gotten a few hours of sleep herself, especially with soldiers popping in to see the new baby. I didn’t want to bother her any more than I had to.

As I sat back on the couch and pulled on my boots, Levi slid out of Hanji’s grasp. “You two have fun. I’m not going.”

Before either of us could say anything, he had disappeared down the hallway. Hanji’s face fell, and she slumped against the wall in defeat. When she looked at me, her brown eyes were full of sadness.

“I thought news of Anna’s baby might have made him happy,” she muttered, closing the door softly as she spoke. “He just… _sulks_ all the time, you know?”

“Believe me, I know.” Once my boots were laced, I stood up and stretched out my arms. I could still feel Levi’s hands around my wrists, but they had been nothing like Jax’s hands. “It’s hard to make him smile. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him happy. Besides, I don’t think he likes kids all that much. He told me earlier that he thought babies were disgusting.”

She rolled her eyes and crossed the room. But when she reached me she frowned, her eyes glued to the collar of my shirt. Before I could say anything, her hands were busying themselves with the buttons of my shirt.

_Wait, they’re undone? I don’t remember unbuttoning them… Had that been Levi’s doing, when we—_

“I wouldn’t worry too much about him,” I cut myself off, struggling to keep my voice calm and steady. I couldn’t let Hanji get any ideas; that was the last thing I wanted. “He’ll come around, he just needs some time.”

“Maybe you’re right. I just wish he’d stop being such a sourpuss all the time.”

“Don’t we all.”

The two of us shared a laugh, but a moment later, Hanji’s smile faltered. Her eyebrows knit together, and suddenly, she leaned in close to my chest.

“H-Hanji, what—”

“What’s this spot, a bruise?”

She pointed to my collarbone—the left side, to be precise. My stomach dropped as I realized what she was probably looking at. With a gulp, I pushed her hands away, but that didn’t stop her from smirking triumphantly at me.

“It…must be…”

“Oh, I see,” she said in a smug voice. “You might want to go check that out before we leave, then. You don’t want anyone else to see it—it’s pretty noticeable.”

“Ah…y-you’re right, just give me a minute.”

With an awkward smile, I ran through my bedroom and into the small bathroom in the far corner. As soon as I was in front of the mirror above the sink, I lowered the collar of my green shirt. Sure enough, on the left side of my collarbone, a small purplish mark was starting to form. It wasn’t as noticeable as Hanji had made it out to be, but it was still hard to miss. If I didn’t keep my shirt buttoned up all the way, there was no doubt it would start to draw attention.

I traced my fingers over the bruise, shivering as I remembered how Levi’s lips had felt against my bare skin. The bruise was small and light, with a ring of pink around the purple coloring. Even though it wasn’t as big as some of the others I had seen back in my training days, with the other female cadets, it still made me smile.

_Levi actually gave me a love bite, didn’t he? I mean, I guess I could call it that._

To be honest, it was exciting, being marked up like this. In a weird sort of way, he had claimed me as his own. No other man had given me a mark like this, not even Jax. Levi was the only one, and I hoped it would stay that way.

As I buttoned my shirt back up and joined Hanji out in the hall, I couldn’t help but hope he would give me a few more of these bites in the future. I didn’t know what we had at the moment, or what his feelings for me were. Hell, I didn’t even know my own feelings for him!

But no matter what it was, I knew that I wanted more. I didn’t care if it was more love bites, actual kissing, or something else altogether—but I wanted so much more from that man. All I could do was hope that it wasn’t a one-time thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a side-note: I don't think Levi would be all that fond of babies and children, especially in the beginning. He did grow up in a brothel, and I'm 99% certain he wasn't the only child living there at the time. He probably saw messy births every once in a while, and as a result, he isn't a fan of it. It reminds him too much of where he grew up. But he's not going to admit that out loud to Mia - at least, not yet. I plan to explore this in a later chapter, but that's not for a while. 
> 
> (Also, Mia's learning how to flirt! It's about damn time, girl! And let's be honest, flirting just comes naturally to Levi - he doesn't even realize he's doing it most of the time. He can be a little oblivious sometimes, but we all still love him.) 
> 
> And oof... I wasn't planning on making this chapter this...spicy (?), but it just sort of happened. However, I'm interested to hear what you guys have to say, especially when I post the next chapter. I've chosen a certain direction, I guess you could say, for their relationship, which will be explored in the next 2-4 chapters. I'm eager to hear your opinions on this, since I was a little hesitant to add this in. Call it a last-minute decision, if you will. I'll elaborate more in the next chapter, since I don't want to give anything away. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed! Next chapter marks the 30th (!), and the start of the year 847! (Finally, 846 was NOT a fun year for Mia, unfortunately. Hopefully 847 will be a little more enjoyable for her ;) )


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've reached the 30th chapter! This is where we start to see a plethora of different feelings for Mia and Levi. I was a little hesitant to take this direction for the two of them, but at the end of the day, I think it was necessary for them to both grow as characters. I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> (Also, there's slight sexual themes toward the middle of the chapter between our two lovebirds, but it's very brief.)

|XXX|

Before we knew it, the year had come to an end. Through the heavy snowfalls and chilly winter air, the year 847 was soon upon us.

Anna and her son—whom she had named Tobias, after Charles’ father—had moved back to her home in Krolva District a month after his birth. Thankfully, the weather had been merciful when her older brother arrived to pick her up. Although she was happy to see her brother again, Anna was reluctant to leave the base. Honestly, we were all reluctant to let her go.

It was obvious at this point: her career as a soldier was over, for the most part. Even though Erwin had given her an honorable discharge from the Survey Corps, she was still upset to leave us. But she knew she couldn’t risk her life beyond the Walls anymore—not when she had Tobias to take care of. Hopefully when he was a little older, she would be able to return and visit the base again.

Besides, Tobias was an absolute angel. I just _had_ to see him again when he was older.

Unfortunately, not everything was ideal back at the base. Within the first week of January, the royal government had sent us a series of letters detailing our next planned expedition. It would be our first expedition under the supervision of the assembly. The only problem was that the nobles didn’t have a clue on how the Survey Corps operated—which meant they saw nothing wrong with scheduling the expedition in the last week of February.

An expedition in the winter months was bad enough, but it was even worse when they insisted we depart from Utopia District, at the northern tip of Wall Rose. They argued that the area in the northern half of Wall Maria hadn’t been surveyed enough since the fall of Shiganshina, and they pushed for the Survey Corps to look into it as soon as possible. While none of the Scouts could argue with that (we tended to explore the southern side much more than we did the northern side), we were all reluctant about the time and location.

The northern districts always endured the coldest winters, and even in the summer months, they didn’t receive much warmth from the sun. At least in Trost and Shiganshina, the weather was moderate, more or less. But it was a whole other story in the northern districts. To top it off, the absolute worst time to depart from Utopia District (or Fuerth District, which had been part of Wall Maria) was between February and April.

Erwin had tried to reason with them, insisting that the expedition be pushed back to the later weeks of March, at least. We already had to worry about losing soldiers to the Titans, and we didn’t need to worry about them dying of exposure and frostbite. There was no doubt Erwin had seen soldiers and civilians die that way in the winter of 846, when the royal government pushed for the failed reclamation of Wall Maria. I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to see more soldiers die in such a gruesome way.

But as usual, the nobles were having none of it. In their eyes, we should have been grateful to be able to continue with our expeditions, and we should have seen this as a blessing. Never mind that even more soldiers could die from this—we were getting to go beyond the Walls, just like we had always wanted. In return, they expected us to keep our mouths shut and go along with the operation.

In the end, seeing no other option that wouldn’t end in the immediate defunding of our entire branch, Erwin decided to go along with their plans. However, we wouldn’t be venturing too far out into Wall Maria’s abandoned territory. The weather was still unpredictable in the northern region, so we had to take extra precautions.

I didn’t know much about the northern region, since the Survey Corps rarely explored the areas around it. The majority of Titans beyond the Walls targeted the southern districts—especially Shiganshina and the other southern villages. Still, there was a chance Titans could have made it further north, now that Wall Maria had been abandoned. A good chunk of the refugees from Wall Maria had been made up of the citizens of Fuerth District, despite the lack of Titans in the far north. Better to be safe than sorry, I suppose.

In the days leading up to the expedition, however, I felt a shift in attitude among my recruits. While they didn’t outright refuse or argue against the decision to carry on with the expedition, I could sense they were more nervous than usual. None of them had ever been in the northern region—they were all southern cadets, used to the sun and fair weather. Now, they had much more to worry about than Titans.

|~|

On the day before the expedition, I was up and about well before dawn. I had woken up in the middle of the night, anxious to get the expedition over with, and I hadn’t been able to go back to sleep. To keep myself busy, I ended up organizing my office and reading through the history and geography books stocked on the shelf. I wanted to get as much research in as I could. I didn’t want to be unprepared.

Through the pages of the thick hardcover books on my desk, I found out much more than I had anticipated about the northern half of Wall Maria. At the very edge of the Wall, you could see the tips of what appeared to be giant rocks in the distance. But sometimes, during the heavy snowstorms, you could barely see them. It usually snowed between mid-October and late April in the northern region, and even in the summer, the citizens of Fuerth and Utopia rarely felt any warmth from the sun. It was a harsh region to live in, but those were all minor inconveniences. We all knew the northern districts were desirable because of the lack of Titans roaming beyond the Walls.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I continued to read. There was a small handwritten section in the corner of the page, and when I looked a little more closely, I recognized my father’s writing. The section detailed a supposed society beyond the Walls, which had been made up of criminals from Shiganshina decades ago. Although it had been widely perceived as a rumor or a myth, it made me wonder what had happened to the criminals our government couldn’t fit in the dungeons in Wall Sina.

A shudder ripped through me as I read the name of the fabled town: Naraka, which translated to _hell_.

Ugh, it even sounded horrible. Maybe there was a reason this book had been locked away in a crate.

But then…why did my father have it in the first place? Materials about the outside world had been outlawed long before he was born, since they were considered indecent and unreliable. I sincerely doubted he had been the original owner of this book, since we didn’t have any other books like this in our old home in Shiganshina. Perhaps it had been here before he even moved into the office, and he just decided to keep it for the information.

_But why would he show any interest in Naraka? I know the Wolf family lived in Fuerth District before moving to Shiganshina, but why would they have any association with criminals?_

We didn’t run in the same circle. The Wolf family was honorable, and criminals were beneath us. There was no reason for our family to show any interest in a supposed society of criminals beyond the Walls.

By the time I finished reading through the book, there was a knock at the door. I shoved it into one of the drawers of my desk. “Who is it?” If it happened to be one of my cadets, there was no way I was going to let them find out about the rumors surrounding Naraka. They had enough to be worried about already.

“Um…it’s Cadet Brose, ma’am.”

 _Evan_. With a smile, I began shuffling the papers at my desk. _Might as well get some paperwork done while we talk_. “Come in, Evan. It’s unlocked.”

The door opened, and Evan stepped inside. Although it was just past dawn, he seemed wide-eyed and alert. His blond hair was neatly combed, but his reddish-brown eyes were filled with unease. As he made his way to stand in front of my desk, his fingers wrung around the hem of his brown shirt.

“You’re up early, Brose. What’s up?”

Because of their evident nerves about the upcoming expedition, I had decided to give my squad the day off from training. They were free to rest up, practice their combat skills, or spend time with their horses. I didn’t want to push them and make them even more agitated than they already were.

“Well…” A light blush began forming on his cheeks. “…I just wanted to, ah, tell you…”

I raised my eyebrow. I wasn’t about to verbally push him, but I wanted him to say what he had to say. I had stuff to do, you know.

“…It’s about Gretel!”

This time, both my eyebrows shot up. “Gretel?” Evan blushed even harder at his outburst, and he began scratching at the back of his head. “What’s wrong? Are you two okay?”

I hoped they hadn’t been fighting again. The two of them had a “friendly competition” going on between them, as Hanji and Erwin liked to call it. But sometimes, it could get a little rough. Gretel could play dirty when she wanted to, and she didn’t hesitate to try to throw Evan off with insults and random trips. But Evan would retaliate with a few insults of his own, which would only piss her off even further. Thank the Walls their confrontations had never turned physical, but there was a first time for everything.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine, captain. It’s just…well, I don’t think she is…”

“What do you mean?”

Other than her general fear of horses, I knew I didn’t have to worry about Gretel too much. She was very confident in her skills, even though she could be a cocky little brat sometimes. She rarely showed weakness in front of me or her comrades, so I assumed everything was going fine with her.

 _What happened? Did a family member of hers pass away? Is she sick? Is she just nervous about the expedition tomorrow?_ I wouldn’t be surprised if she was; I was a little scared myself.

“Well…” I motioned to the chair in front of my desk, and he sat down without missing a beat. “…She’s been quiet around me and Reggie. And…that’s not like her. I don’t know if something’s bothering her, but she’s just been very distant these past few days. She won’t talk to us about it, and whenever I try to talk to her, she yells at me and walks away. You know how she is.”

“Believe me, I do,” I replied with a smile. Gretel would go to great lengths to hide her insecurities from others. Now that I thought about it, maybe she had been doing that to me and the rest of her squad, and I had just been too blind to notice.

_I’ll have to start keeping a closer eye on her, just to make sure she can’t do it again. I don’t want to be unable to read my own cadets when they’re not feeling so good._

“I’ll try to talk to her,” I told him, standing up from my seat. “By any chance, do you know if she’s awake?” If she wasn’t, I could always stop by the girls’ barracks later in the day.

Evan nodded eagerly. “Yeah, she was over by the stables. I wanted to say hi, but I didn’t want her to yell at me again…”

I bit back a laugh. Evan was so sweet—too sweet for his own good sometimes. It was natural he wanted to reach out to such an intimidating person like Gretel. In a way, he reminded me of myself.

“Thank you, Brose. I’ll go speak with her. You get some rest—we have a big day tomorrow, and I want you to be at your best. Understood?”

He shot up from his seat and gave me a hasty salute. “Yes, ma’am!”

“Good. You’re dismissed, Brose. I’ll see if I can talk to Gretel for you.”

|~|

Gretel was at the stables, just like Evan had said. It was odd, considering her fear of horses. She had gotten better over the months, and she was no longer nervous around her own mare, but she was still scared around other horses.

 _Then why would she be at the stables? It’s her day off—I didn’t think she would spend it with her horse_. She didn’t like or trust her horse as much as I did with Edel, unfortunately. But I had to be patient with her. I didn’t want to push her into anything she was uncomfortable with.

The poor girl was standing in front of her mare’s stall, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. When she finally heard me walking towards her, she nearly jumped out of her skin. Her hazel eyes were practically magnified behind her black goggles. For some reason or another, the kid was terrified.

“G-good morning, captain!” She saluted at once, her mouth set into a tight line. Now that I was looking for it, I could easily tell she was nervous.

“Good morning, Gretel. I didn’t expect you to be up so early.”

She shrugged her shoulders and ran a hand through her strawberry blond hair. It wasn’t in its usual ponytail, but instead hanging freely around her shoulders. She looked rather pretty like that, to be honest.

“…I just thought I’d get an early start today… You know, with the expedition tomorrow and all…”

I nodded and leaned against the door of her mare’s stall. The brown horse inside swung her head and gazed at me with soft black eyes. Her ears were pricked forward, and her tail swished in a friendly manner.

My lips pulled up into a smile as the mare sniffed my hand through the bars. “Hello, girl. You’re looking pretty today.” Maybe I could keep Gretel calm if I focused on other things first. I didn’t want to scare her right off the bat. “Have you given her a name, or did you decide not to?”

She shrugged, clasping her hands behind her back. For some reason, her eyes wouldn’t meet mine. “…Rosa… I know, it’s stupid—”

“Not at all. It’s a lovely name. She even _looks_ like a Rosa.”

“Maybe…” She glanced down the hall of the stable, toward the huge door in the side. “…If you don’t mind me asking, why did you name your horse Edel?”

 _Wow, she’s asking for permission to ask me a question. Now I know something’s not right with her._ “It’s short for Edelweiss. It’s actually a little white flower that grows in the northern part of Wall Maria. I know he doesn’t look like it now, but when he was younger, he used to be pure white. Besides, I like the flower. If we’re lucky, we’ll be able to see them on the expedition tomorrow.”

“Oh, that makes sense…”

An awkward silence settled over the two of us. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, but I couldn’t keep stalling her forever. I had to see what was bothering her. If there was a way I could make her feel better, I had to know what it was.

“Listen, I know you’re nervous about tomorrow, and that’s okay. The boys are nervous, too—”

“Uh, it’s not that,” she quickly cut me off. “I’m not nervous. I mean, maybe a little, but that’s not…” She snapped her mouth shut, like she had already said too much.

 _So that’s not what’s bothering her_. “Then what’s wrong, Gretel? You’re not acting like yourself. Evan and Reggie are worried about you.”

Her hazel eyes hardened at their names. “I doubt it. Nothing’s bothering me, captain. I’m _fine_.”

I didn’t hang around many girls during my childhood and teenage years, but I knew enough about them to tell when they were holding themselves back. Whenever a girl claimed she was “just fine,” it was always a lie.

“No, you’re not. Tell me what’s wrong, Gretel. Let me help you.”

She only turned away, crossing her arms over her chest. Her brown mare snorted and hung her head, like she was disappointed in her rider’s attitude.

I bit back a sigh. I wasn’t finished with her yet. One way or another, I was going to get her to talk to me. She had to know she could trust me with anything. I was her captain, for God’s sake! I was of no use to her if she couldn’t tell me when she was feeling bad about something.

I had to get her to open up to me. Somehow…

“Okay, come on. Saddle up.”

She whipped around, her eyebrow inching up. “What do you mean?”

“We’re going to take a ride, just the two of us. So saddle up and meet me up front in five minutes. I’ll be waiting.”

|~|

It didn’t take long for the two of us to tack up our horses and meet up in front of the stable. Edel was eager to get out of his stall, even when it was so early in the morning. When Gretel met up with us, her mare’s head kept swinging from side to side. She snorted at Edel, and he returned it with a flick of his tail.

Whatever had been bothering Gretel, I knew it would stop after a quick ride around the base. Riding a horse always put your mind to ease; it was one of the activities I found myself doing to relieve stress. Whenever I was with Edel, I was calm and relaxed. I knew nothing could hurt me as long as I was with him. Hopefully, Gretel could say she felt the same way with Rosa.

The two of us made it around the castle and toward the forest at the edge of the base. As we walked further away from the base, which was starting to fill up with soldiers and cadets eager to start the day, I stole a glance at my cadet. She was fiddling with her reins, keeping her eyes glued to her mare’s neck. She still didn’t feel one hundred percent comfortable with her, but that was okay. She just needed a little more time.

“She’s a sweet horse,” I found myself saying as we crossed the small bridge over the river. “I think she’s a perfect match for you.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her head tilt up toward me. “You think so, captain? I don’t know…”

“You don’t have to be scared of her, you know. A horse and her rider should be able to trust each other, no matter what. Just give it time, and soon enough, you’ll know each other like the backs of your hands. …Or, hoof, in her case.” _I don’t even know what I’m saying at this point._

But it made Gretel laugh, so I counted it as a success. It wasn’t until we made it to the far hill that she spoke again.

“My aunt and uncle used to breed horses in Ragako. Sometimes my dad would take me and my brothers to visit them, and they would let us ride the horses there.”

“Oh, really? That sounds like fun.”

“Well, it _was_ fun…”

Her face turned somber once more. I was almost scared to even breathe; I didn’t want to frighten her off or silence her again. She was finally talking to me, and I would be damned if I accidentally made her shut herself off again.

“…When I was eight, my uncle let me ride one of their bigger horses. He was nice and all, but he got too excited, now that I think about it. And when we were riding in the yard one day, he got spooked when my brother ran past it. He ended up throwing me off of him.”

Her eyes were dull, and her lips were firmly sealed. When I glanced down at her hands, her knuckles were snow white. Her wrists were trembling at the memory, and when I looked up at her face, I realized her teeth were chattering.

_Huh, so **that’s** why she’s so afraid of horses. She doesn’t want to be thrown off again. _

I couldn’t believe it. She actually trusted me with the reason behind her fear of horses. Despite her cold exterior, she needed someone to know about it and comfort her. Even though she didn’t look like it most of the time, she was still a scared fifteen-year-old kid. She needed a friend in her life, and although she had Reggie and Evan, maybe she just needed someone else.

_She needs a captain, a leader. And that’s what I’ll be for her._

“I’m impressed, Mayer. You didn’t let one bad experience stop you from becoming a soldier. You didn’t let it stop you from becoming a Scout.” I had to give her a confidence boost—she desperately needed it. “You’re a fighter, and I like that.”

“…Really?”

“Of course!” I had to rein in my smile a little bit. I still had to act like the responsible adult, and not just a fellow cadet. “Besides, you don’t have to feel bad about falling off. I’ve done it plenty of times. One time I fell off in front of the whole Ninetieth Training Corps, and Squad Leader Hanji never let me forget it.”

She burst into laughter, and it was music to my ears. I was glad she was finally becoming a little more comfortable with me. It was hard, learning to trust people, but we had to remember we weren’t alone out here. We were all soldiers, but we were all family. These brand new cadets and veteran soldiers were my brothers and sisters. We had to let each other know that we were here for each other, that we could take care of one another.

The sooner she learned that, the better off she would be. I was sure of it.

Eventually, the two of us made it to the other side of the forest. Now, we were far away from the Survey Corps base. When I glanced up at the gray sky, the pale sun stared back at me. It was only an hour after dawn, and by the looks of it, it was going to snow later in the day.

_Hopefully it can hold out until we’re done with the expedition._

“Captain, do you mind if I ask you something?”

 _Uh-oh, she’s asking me for permission again_. But I only smiled at her. “Of course, whatever you want.”

She started playing with her reins again, and her bottom lip found its way between her teeth. “…I just want to get your opinion on something.”

“Sure, what is it?”

Suddenly, she looked me right in the eye and said, “What do you think about relationships between soldiers?”

All jokes aside, I came very close to falling off of Edel right then and there. I leaned forward and gripped his mane, patting his neck when he snorted in shock. Once I was sure he was okay (and that I would keep my balance), I stared at her slack-jawed.

_Where did **that** come from?! I didn’t think she was interested in that kind of stuff! Is she just asking out of curiosity, or does she actually have someone in mind? _

I knew it was sort of mean, but I couldn’t really picture Gretel in a relationship. To me, at least, she didn’t seem to have the patience for a relationship. She was too brash and honest, and her off-putting exterior tended to chase boys (and girls) away. She was constantly focused on her training, and she didn’t seem like the kind of girl to dedicate time to a significant other. It just didn’t fall in line with her personality.

Then again, I had been wrong about many things in my life. Perhaps this was one of them.

“Well…I don’t have a problem with it. I think it’s perfectly fine, as long as you’re both okay with the risks.” There was no sugarcoating it: in the Survey Corps, you would most likely die, and Gretel had to understand that. “Why are you asking? Do you have anyone in mind?”

Her cheeks bloomed with a fresh shade of scarlet, and she gazed back down at her hands. “…Maybe…”

_Oh my God, really?! I can’t believe it! You go, girl!_

“…Do you want to tell me who it is?”

_I wonder, is it Eld? She seems to work pretty well with him. She did make her first Titan kill with his help, after all. Or maybe it’s Gunther? I don’t know, I don’t see them together that often. Is it someone I don’t know? Maybe if she tells me the name, I can try to find out who it is._

“It’s Evan.”

She was so blunt it blew my mind. There was no dodging the question; true to her character, she owned up to her crush and admitted it with a straight face. I had to admire her for her upfront nature.

_Evan?! She has a crush on **Evan**?! _

I had nothing against Evan—he was a great soldier, and a very sweet boy. But I couldn’t imagine someone like Gretel being drawn to him in a romantic manner. Besides, it didn’t even make sense! They were constantly fighting with each other, and if it weren’t for me and Reggie, the two of them would have killed each other by now.

But now that I thought back to it, I realized the signs had been there all along. Evan was always the one Gretel sat next to in the mess hall. She was constantly teasing him, trying to egg him on. Whenever we had a group riding lesson with our horses, she stayed closer to him than she did with me and Reggie. Perhaps she felt safe with him, considering how scared she was of horses. Maybe she trusted him to catch her if she happened to fall off again.

“Cadet Brose, huh?” Her eyes were back on me the moment she heard me laugh. “I don’t blame you. He’s a nice kid. You two would be adorable together.”

“We’re _not_ adorable,” she replied almost bitterly, her face burning brighter. “It’s just…well…” She took a deep breath and started again. “I just don’t want him to never find out about it. I mean, if something happens to us tomorrow, or the next day, I want him to know that…”

I shook my head and pulled Edel to a stop. Once she made Rosa halt, I turned Edel around and faced her head-on. “You don’t want to end up regretting it if you don’t tell him,” I finished for her.

She nodded solemnly. When I inched closer to her, I could see her eyes were becoming misty. She really liked him, and she was scared of never getting the chance to tell him about it. As much as I hated to admit it, she had a point. No one knew what could happen beyond the Walls. All it took was one wrong move, and either Gretel or Evan could end up dead. If that happened, I didn’t want Gretel living with the regret of never telling him her feelings for the rest of her life.

“Mayer, look at me.” I swallowed hard when her hazel eyes met mine. She was so innocent, so young. “You’re not going to die tomorrow. Evan isn’t going to die tomorrow. I won’t let that happen to either of you.”

Of course, my words meant nothing until I could act on them. But still, I had to give her some sense of comfort. What captain would I be if I didn’t try to console my cadets?

“However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t sit on your feelings. If you hold them in, they’ll only grow stronger. You want my honest opinion? Tell him how you feel. Don’t keep it to yourself any longer. Besides, who’s to say he doesn’t like you back?”

At this, her eyes flashed with hope. “You…you think he really does like me back?”

I thought back to Evan’s blushing face from earlier, when he had stopped by my office. The whole reason he had seen me in the first place was to talk about Gretel. He had been worried about her. He could have had Reggie come by to tell me about her, but he chose to tell me himself.

“I think there’s a good chance he does. He was the one who told me you were acting strange lately.”

I couldn’t help but smile like an idiot as Gretel’s blush worsened. But through her flustered nature, I knew she was grateful for my insight.

“…That’s good to know. Thank you, captain.”

“No problem, Gretel.” I took another look at the sky. “We should be heading back soon. We don’t want to be caught in the snow.”

The two of us urged our horses forward and began walking around the forest, in the same way we had come. I smiled when I saw the prideful smirk on Gretel’s face. She seemed much more at ease with herself than we had first set out. And when we crossed the bridge over the river, she leaned down and gave Rosa a pat on her neck.

_I’m glad I was able to help her out. I hope everything works out between her and Evan. They would be a really cute couple…if they didn’t argue all the time. But they’ll make it work, I know they will._

“Captain,” she started again, as we neared the base, “just out of curiosity, do _you_ have anyone you’re interested in?”

I was glad to see she was back to being her usually honest and straightforward self, but I wasn’t expecting the question. I tried my best to fight off the rising blush on my face as I answered her. “No, not really. Why do you ask?”

I could only hope she didn’t know I was lying. It irked me to admit it, but I _did_ have someone I was interested in. I could still feel his lips on my neck, even though it had happened a few months ago.

Ever since that incident in my office, Levi and I had remained friends. Sure, there were a few lingering touches here and there, and maybe we looked at each other longer than usual, but nothing had been as intense as that incident. To be honest, I was a little disappointed. But I didn’t want to push him and scare him off. He was unpredictable, and if I made the wrong move, I could risk losing him forever.

The love bite he had given me ended up wearing off a week after he had given it to me, and once it did, I wanted another one. But he never touched me like he did that day in my office. Now, his fingers barely grazed over my arm, and he never went near my neck anymore. He acted like it never happened in the first place.

_Had that really been a one-time thing? Did he suddenly decide that he wasn’t interested in me like that anymore? Was he **ever** interested in me in that way? Or had it all been my imagination? _

Gretel’s voice broke me out of my thoughts: “I was just wondering. You seem to have experience in soldier-soldier relationships, so I was just wondering.”

“Um… Actually, my parents had a relationship similar to that. My dad was a soldier, and my ma stayed at home to raise me and my siblings. It was hard, but they made it work. I figure that if they could do it, anyone can.”

She seemed content with my answer, and thankfully, she didn’t push the matter further. As we made it back to base, however, I couldn’t get my own advice out of my head.

_Anything can happen tomorrow, and if I don’t tell Levi how I feel, I could end up regretting it, just like Gretel feared._

The problem was, I _didn’t_ know what my feelings for him were. He was my friend, and I wanted more than friendship from him, but _what_ exactly? Did I want him to be my boyfriend? Did I want a purely physical relationship with him? Or did I want an emotional one—a romantic one?

I wasn’t all that skilled in the field of romance; I had only just become interested in someone else in the past few months. I didn’t know what to do or how to do it. All I knew was that I wanted to be so much more than his friend.

We could figure out the details later. For now, I just had to tell him I wanted more from him.

|~|

As usual, I couldn’t sleep the night before an expedition. But instead of spending the night in my room, I was curled up on the sofa in Levi’s office, flipping through my father’s old journal. I wanted to see if he had any more information on the supposed town beyond the Walls, but it was taking me a long time to find it.

Levi was at his desk, filling out the evaluation report for his squad. He had draped his jacket over the back of his chair, and his cravat was neatly folded on the corner of the desk. Every now and again I would steal a glance at him, imagining how he would react if I reached over and unclasped the first few buttons on his shirt. Ever since my conversation with Gretel earlier, I was eager to rile him up again.

“Hey, Levi?”

I could hear the annoyance in his voice. “What do you want now?”

 _Sheesh, he can be so mean_. “Just wondering, what day is your birthday?”

I had stumbled upon one of the first entries in my father’s book: the day my siblings and I had been born. In the corner of the page, he had scrawled out **_June 15 th, 821 _**in thick bulky letters. Seeing it in print had made me think of the traditions Hanji and I usually did on each other’s birthday, and now, I was interested to learn about Levi’s.

I could tell my question had caught him off guard. “Why do you need to know?”

“Just curious. I mean, Hanji’s is on the fifth of September, and mine is on the fifteenth of June. When is yours?”

Come on, he has to know. I know the people in the Underground City weren’t the best when it came to special events, but he had to know when he was born. I refused to believe Furlan and Isabel hadn’t thrown him some kind of party at some point. They absolutely adored him—there was no way they would forget something like that.

“If you must know,” he replied with a slight snarl, “it’s on the twenty-fifth.”

“…Of?”

“December.”

_Wait, December 25 th?! That just passed, damn it! _

“Why didn’t you tell us?!” I couldn’t keep the whine out of my voice. “We could have thrown you a party and everything!”

“Exactly.” When he glanced up at me, his eyes were cold and intimidating. “It’s not that important, so drop it.”

 _Not that important?! He’s insane! All birthdays are important!_ “Oh, you’re just being difficult.” I sank back down into the pillows and propped the journal up against my knees. “This year, I’m going to throw you a proper celebration, and you’re going to love it. What do you think of that?”

“I’d say you’re wasting your time,” he replied, not even sparing me a glance.

I bit back a sigh. Of course he would be a stick in the mud about it. Now I knew what Hanji meant when she was complaining about his attitude. No matter what, he always seemed to be in a bad mood. I was used to it by now, more or less, but still, it would be nice if he had some fun once in a while.

A few more moments passed as I flipped through the journal again. I wasn’t finding anything of substance, and I only had so much patience before an expedition. So instead, I lowered the book and gazed at the black-haired Scout from across the room.

“Levi?”

This time, he didn’t even try to hold back his groan. “Remind me why you’re in my office again?”

I stifled a laugh at his blunt tone. He could be so childish sometimes, it was unbelievable. “I thought you liked my company. Besides, your room is cleaner than mine.”

“That wouldn’t be a problem if you just fucking cleaned it once in a while.”

“For your information, I _do_ clean it. Just not as much as you clean yours. I’m not obsessed with it, like you are.”

He only rolled his eyes and turned back to the paper in front of him. Once his eyes left mine, I couldn’t help but frown. I had expected a much stronger reaction out of him, but he seemed too distracted with his paperwork. He wasn’t paying enough attention to me.

_Maybe I can fix that._

Before I could overthink what I was about to do, I bookmarked my page and placed the journal on the sofa. I ignored the trembling in my legs as I made my way over to his desk. He didn’t even glance up from his paper—not even when I was directly behind his chair.

He leaned his head on his elbow and rubbed his forehead. “What do you think you’re doing, brat?”

_Honestly, I have no idea._

But I kept my lips sealed and stretched an arm out to his shoulder. His muscles tensed underneath my hand, but he didn’t pull away from me. With a smirk, I leaned in closer to his neck and grabbed his other shoulder—gently, of course.

I didn’t miss the way his breath hitched as I tilted my head toward his neck. “Wolf, what are you—” He inhaled sharply as I pressed my mouth just above his jawline.

His skin was hot—almost too hot, but it only spurred me on. I could taste a hint of salt when his muscles rippled beneath my mouth. With a small nip to his jawline, I shifted back a little bit and hovered my lips over his ear.

“I’m simply returning the favor.”

I worked my way down his neck before settling in between his neck and shoulder. He tensed up the moment my teeth grazed his skin, and when I started sucking on the area, a husky groan filled the air.

_What am I even doing? And why am I enjoying this so much?_

The rational side of my brain was yelling at me to stop before things escalated even further—to stop before whatever friendship we had between us was ruined beyond repair. To be fair, it was a convincing argument. I didn’t want to lose whatever we had. I’d rather have him as a friend if I couldn’t have him as a lover or something along those lines.

But the rational side of my brain ceased to exist the moment I glanced down and saw the obvious tent in his pants.

_Holy shit— There’s no way that I just did that to him. No fucking way. He did **not** just get a hard-on just by having me kiss his neck. _

No, never mind. I didn’t want to know how he had gotten it. All I cared about was what I was going to do to him.

But the moment my hand started trailing down his chest, he wrenched his head away and jerked himself out of the chair. I had to grasp the edge of the desk just to avoid falling backwards.

_What…what just happened?_

As I straightened myself up, I glanced over at Levi, who was running a hand through his hair. His back was turned to me, but even if I could see his face, I knew I wouldn’t be able to read him.

_What’s wrong? Did I take it too far? I didn’t even get close to his…you know… So what’s his problem?_

“…Levi?”

A heavy sigh left his lips. He shook his head before making his way over to the window behind the sofa. All the while, he avoided my eyes. “Don’t do that again, Wolf.”

_Is he upset that I actually started kissing his neck? But I was just doing the same thing he had done to me! He didn’t seem all that bothered when he was doing it to me a few weeks ago!_

My nails dug into the skin of my palms. What did he have to be upset about? I thought we had both made it clear we didn’t mind showing each other that kind of physical affection. Why all of a sudden did he seem shy and awkward about it?

“So it’s okay when you do it to me, but not when I do it to you?” My voice was laced with venom, but I couldn’t help it. I was _pissed_. “I see how it is.”

He groaned and rubbed his forehead again. I knew I was getting on his nerves, but I didn’t care. He deserved it. He had led me on—he made me think he was actually enjoying it. And now he had the gall to pull this crap.

“It’s not that, it’s just…” He let out another annoyed sigh. “Just drop it.”

“No.” I wasn’t going to let him off the hook so easily. “I want to know why.”

“I said _drop it_ , Wolf.”

“You’re not the boss of me! Tell me what’s wrong. Why are you acting so different? Listen, I’m sorry if I went too far. I just thought—”

“Well, you thought wrong,” he snapped, finally turning around to face me. His eyes were a dark gray, and his eyebrows were knitted tightly together. He looked more intimidating than he usually did, but I wasn’t going to be scared into silence. Not by him, not by anyone.

Why is he being so goddamn suborn?! I thought we were fine with all of this! “You don’t have to be such an ass. You’re obviously upset over something I did, so why won’t you tell me what I did wrong?”

“I don’t have to tell you _anything_ , brat.” This time, there was no warmth in the term of endearment. He meant every single word that was spewing from his mouth. “I don’t owe you anything. You’re not anyone special to me, so stop acting like you are. You’re not my girlfriend or anything.”

I knew the words were true, but that didn’t make them hurt any less. He was right. I _wasn’t_ his girlfriend. I _wasn’t_ anything special to him. But I didn’t like hearing him admit it out loud. It made it too real, and I didn’t want to believe it.

 _I’m not anything special, huh? Then I guess all those nights of training in the forest meant nothing to him, right? Or all those nights in my office, helping him with his reading and writing?_ Did he really think so low of me that he didn’t even consider me a friend?

“And thank the Walls for that.” I glared at him as hard as I could. “I feel sorry for any girl who has to put up with you in her life.”

His lip curled up slightly. For a brief moment, I thought back to the day I had met him and his two friends, and the first fight we ever had with each other. Even then, he didn’t seem as scary as he did right now. I had pushed too many of his buttons already.

But I didn’t have any regrets. If I had to guess, I didn’t think he had any, either.

A lump formed in my throat when he started advancing toward me. But as I moved away from the desk, I realized he was only heading for the papers on the desk. He began to file them away angrily, keeping his eyes trained on anything but my own.

_How can he act like this? Like nothing we went through together matters? Does he not remember all the expeditions and shared smiles? What about the day he held me in his arms after my mother had died? What about all the surprise late-night visits he made to my office when I first moved in?_

I had to mean something to him, right? Maybe he didn’t see me in the same light as I saw him, but he had to have cared about me, right? Why else would he treat me so gently and visit me all the time? Didn’t he trust me as much as I trusted him?

But then I remembered the day he had pinned me to the floor in my office. I remembered feeling his lips on my collarbone as he gave me my first love bite. He must have thought of me as something more than a friend if he had the courage to do all of that, right?

What if he didn’t? What if that had been his goal all along? What if he was just leading you on to get something more out of you?

I didn’t want it to be true, but I was running out of reasons for his change in behavior. My mind was already hazy, and it was the only thing that made sense at the moment.

“So what, was this your goal all along? To lead me on?” He didn’t even spare me a glance as I went on with my rant. “You act like you care about me, you make me think you’re my friend, you gave me hope we could—”

No, I had to stop there. I didn’t want him to hear that I had indeed developed feelings for him. He would just scoff and brush me off. He would only ridicule me, like he always did.

“…What am I to you, anyway? How do you _really_ see me?!”

He remained silent as he shoved the leather folders into the file cabinet on the far side of the room.

“You just saw me as an easy catch, didn’t you?” My eyes were starting to become blurry, and it wasn’t long before I couldn’t even see him clearly anymore. “Is that what you think I am? Someone you can play with when you get bored?”

“No, you’re not!” His voice was sharp and his eyes were wild. “You’re nothing like that to me.”

“Then _what am I_ to you, huh?! Tell me!”

I prayed to any gods or goddesses up above that he would answer me. That he would tell me exactly how he felt about me. Even if I didn’t end up liking the answer, it was better to hear something rather than nothing.

But he kept his mouth shut. When I gazed into his eyes, he stiffened and turned away, keeping his attention on the file cabinet.

 _He won’t even give me a straight answer_.

“Why did you even try to kiss me back then?”

This was the first time either of us had addressed that night in the forest. The two of us had tried to ignore it and focus on our friendship—if you could even call it that, at this point. Now that it was over and done with, I had wondered what would happen if I hadn’t stopped him from kissing me. What if I had just let him do it? Would things be different between us right now? Would we even be having this conversation?

The tears were starting to slide down my cheeks. I couldn’t take much more of this. But I wasn’t going to leave without hearing his answer. “Tell me.”

Another sigh left his lips. He sounded exhausted—and almost annoyed that I was still pestering him about this. But even if he didn’t care about it, it mattered to me. I was going to get an answer out of him, one way or another.

“I wasn’t in my right mind that day.”

All the air vanished from my lungs. My red cheeks were wet with tears, and my fists were trembling at my sides. Everywhere around me, I could feel the shadows closing in on me.

_So that’s it, huh? That’s his excuse? He didn’t mean to try to kiss me that night—it just happened. I can’t believe the nerve of that prick._

But the saddest part was that I wasn’t surprised in the slightest.

“Fine.”

Without missing a beat, I headed over to the sofa and retrieved my father’s journal. Other than that, I hadn’t brought anything with me. There was no way in hell I was staying in here with him after hearing something like that.

“I’m heading out. You need your sleep, and I don’t want to distract you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Just when my hand brushed the doorknob, I felt a warm weight on my shoulder. I bit my lip to hold back a sob. I didn’t want him to see me cry anymore. He didn’t deserve to see this emotional side of me. Not after a stunt like that.

“Mia…”

I yanked the door open. “I’m done, Levi.” I shrugged his hand off and stepped out into the hallway, slamming the door shut behind me. I managed to hold my cries until I arrived back at my office.

But once I was safe inside, and the door was locked behind me, I sank to my knees and let the tears fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, Naraka was mentioned in the "Before the Fall" manga, which I never got around to reading (but it's on my list, so don't worry). The mere concept of it raises so many questions and possibilities, and it's definitely something I want to explore later in the future, as well as the Wolf family's connection to it. I'm also wondering, why would Mia's father be interested in such a place...? 
> 
> Writing one-on-one time with Mia and the cadets of her squad has been a joy so far. I like breaking down each of my OCs and seeing what makes them tick, and Gretel is no exception. Even someone as tough as her has a few fears and flaws. (Also, I secretly find it adorable whenever she gets Mia flustered by asking her about her own love life. Poor Mia is too uncomfortable.) 
> 
> And finally, we have our first major fight. We all know Levi is absolute shit with words - he prefers to express himself through his actions - but he can't ignore the risk that comes with a military relationship. The only way he can see himself protecting Mia is if he pushes her away. Of course, this probably won't backfire at all... *rolls eyes* Also, I headcanon him to be EXTREMELY touch-starved, but he doesn't know how to deal with it. This is the first time Mia has been so bold with him and made the first move, so he's bound to panic over it. Oh well, we'll just see how this all plays out for them in the next chapter. Mia's not one to let this go, and let's be honest: she's pretty narrow-minded. Her feelings prevent her from seeing the bigger picture, so she's absolutely PISSED at Levi right now. Ugh, I love angst, what can I say? 
> 
> Also, kind of a random question, but how would any of you feel about seeing an image of Mia? I used one of the many AoT "create your own character" generators out there, and I was wondering if you guys were interested in seeing it. Also, I have the AoT 2 game for my switch, so I've been able to customize my character after Mia. If you guys want to see it, let me know, and I'll include them in the notes for the next chapter. See you guys then! Thanks for reading! :)


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is the next chapter! A major content warning for this, however: similar to Ch. 6, the last third of this chapter includes attempted sexual assault and some graphic violence. I don't want to spring it on you at the last minute, so I'm warning you ahead of time. 
> 
> Also, here are the designs for Mia! (I didn't want to include them at the end, because this chapter ends pretty heavily - you'll see why.) I used 2 different generators, since I draw some features from both of them for her (her hair, her scar, etc.); I own nothing, all credit goes to the creators of these generators. 
> 
> https://66.media.tumblr.com/ca7cd53e66488204efc5f27f210b03f2/4c22d2c19dfaf279-0f/s640x960/97d24d661a88981cf6138d4930f9c7fde30c23d4.png
> 
> https://66.media.tumblr.com/40f166ff7e3878937646ed26e9f31639/4c22d2c19dfaf279-f9/s640x960/ba9ca8bf465f0379fdd7cd067f0224d564f26dc0.png
> 
> https://66.media.tumblr.com/61def6a09876855ff744e120fd749101/4c22d2c19dfaf279-96/s640x960/1c78fc4b267c45600dbc4063382d2d92a4fcef04.jpg
> 
> https://66.media.tumblr.com/c3c77fa152bdac882a343e31d0775fbe/4c22d2c19dfaf279-e9/s1280x1920/f4c01137e1d44f2cf963a4f79aa760a8f93eff05.jpg
> 
> https://66.media.tumblr.com/7a5d442dfa8736570ae473f82617c517/4c22d2c19dfaf279-4e/s640x960/defaf866d9a2dd28aa41812e2f199b576420ceb4.jpg
> 
> The last picture was drawn by me, since neither of the generators nor the video game have her half-up half-down hairstyle as an option. I decided to sketch it at the last minute just so you could see how it is. Also, a few notes: her hair length leans more toward the first picture and third picture (from the video game), and her scar resembles the one in the first picture the most. Her bangs are more accurate to the second picture. One of these days I'll be able to draw a full picture of her with my own hands... In case the links don't work, I've posted them in the beginning of the actual chapter. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> CONTENT WARNING: attempted rape and graphic violence toward the end of the chapter (the last third)

|XXXI|

I don’t know how long I stayed there, sitting against the door in my office, with my father’s journal pressed against my chest. I tried to keep my sobs muffled, so I wouldn’t disturb the other soldiers in the hall. The last thing I wanted was for Hanji to find me in such a pitiful state.

_Is that what he really thinks of me? Does he really not value me in the same way that I value him? How long had he been feeling this way? Was it before or after he decided to wrestle me for fun in my office a few weeks ago? Did he regret getting so close to me? Or was it his plan all along? Am I nothing more than a toy to him? A quick fuck, as Vivienne would probably put it?_

No, he had to be lying. It didn’t add up. We had done too many things together for him not to care for me. All those soft glances, sideways hugs, play fighting and late-night conversations over tea _had_ to mean something to him, right? If he was really bothered by me, surely he would have said something much earlier, right? Or did he just feel pity for me, and that’s why he spent so much time with me?

I just didn’t know anymore. He had been confusing me for the past few months with his actions toward me, but nothing compared to this. Nothing could even come close to the slap of rejection he had given me.

What about the promise he made to me, before we arrived in Trost to visit my mother last year? He only doubled down on it when Jax stepped back into my life. He promised he wouldn’t let anything happen to me—that he wouldn’t let anyone—especially Jax—hurt me again. Did he still stand by his word? Or had it meant nothing, like the rest of his actions?

_Maybe I pushed him a little too far tonight? Maybe he’s just not ready to go that far with me yet. I mean, we haven’t even kissed yet! But then…why didn’t he just tell me he was uncomfortable with it? I would have listened. He didn’t have to tell me I didn’t matter to him._

Fresh tears fell on the crinkled pages of Dad’s journal. With a sob, I pressed it harder against my heart. Somehow, even though I knew he wasn’t here anymore, it felt like his arms were still around me.

_It must be the office. Yeah, that has to be it._

The last time I had cried over a boy was after Jax had tried to hurt me. Back then, at least I had Hanji to help me through it. Now, I didn’t want to seek her out. She didn’t need me to bother her, not with the expedition in a few hours.

_Get a hold of yourself, Wolf. He’s not worth it anymore. He doesn’t deserve to get you this upset._

But they wouldn’t stop. As hard as I tried, the tears just kept coming. I hated crying so hard over him, especially after what he had said to me, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I thought we were comfortable with each other. I thought we could somehow turn our friendship into something more. Yes, I knew I was an idiot for finally yearning for romance after a decade, but I couldn’t help it. There was just something that drew me to him.

Was it his personality? Was it his looks? Was it the fact he was the only other survivor of the massacre that wiped out Flagon’s squad? Did the pity I felt for him when we first started talking to each other somehow evolve into romantic feelings? If that was the case, why did it have to be him?

_I wouldn’t have this problem with any of the other guys in the Survey Corps,_ I thought with a grimace. _Why couldn’t have I taken an interest in Erwin, or Mike, or even Moblit? I would have settled for any guy in the legion—but no, it had to be Levi._

But as much as I tried to tell myself that, I knew it wasn’t true. I didn’t see a future for myself with any of those men. Erwin was my Commander, and I held nothing but the utmost respect for him. I didn’t see him as anything other than that. Mike was a good friend, even though he was a little intimidating sometimes, but I never felt an attraction toward him. We were simply comrades, eager to fight for the good of humanity. And Moblit? He was definitely sweet, and his concern and compassion for Hanji was obvious. But our personalities were too different, and it would have never worked between us, which was fine with me.

I didn’t want someone like them—I wanted someone who had all of their best qualities, but who stood out on his own. I wanted someone who was strong and protective and willing to dedicate his life to the Survey Corps. I wanted a man who didn’t hesitate to hold me in his warm arms, who would help me through my darkest nights. I wanted him to trust me with his heart, and in return, I would trust him with mine. I wanted to be able to put my life in his hands and believe that he would keep me safe; in return, I wanted to be responsible for his life in the worst situations. I wanted us to trust each other, to hold and kiss each other whenever we felt like it. I wanted to feel loved, and not in the same way that Hanji and Leyna loved me. I wanted to feel the same way Jax had made me felt when we were blissfully in love at fourteen years old. I wanted to love him with all my heart, and I wanted him to love me with all his heart, as well.

I realized there was no way around it. I didn’t want just any man like that. I wanted _Levi_.

He was the one I was really after. I could try to fool myself as much as I wanted, but at the end of the day, it was unavoidable. I had strong feelings for him, and even though I wanted them to vanish, I knew they were here to stay.

God, how did it come to this? How did I go from wanting to slit his throat to pining over him in my bedroom? How had things changed so much between us that it now physically hurt to think about him?

I had fooled myself into thinking we could somehow be more than friends. I had let my heart lead me instead of my mind, and it only brought me off the edge of a cliff. I had dared to hope that maybe—just maybe—we knew each other well enough to become a couple, and perhaps a few years down the line, when this whole war with the Titans was finally over, we would have a home of ourselves—maybe even with little ones running around. Holding Anna’s newborn baby had brought forth that desire for kids of my own, and in some dark, deep corner of my mind, I had let myself think it was possible that Levi would be the one I would have them with.

But he had rejected me. While it was possible we could find a way to salvage our friendship (which I didn’t even want to think about at the moment), there wasn’t a chance in hell that we would get together and become a couple. I had known this, and I still let myself get carried away.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I always did this to myself. I always hyped myself up for the impossible and only ended up hurting myself. When would I ever learn my lesson?

With another heavy sniff, I staggered to my feet and headed into the bedroom. I couldn’t let myself worry about this for too long. I had to make sure my mind was clear for the expedition tomorrow. The trek to Utopia District was a long one, and I was going to need to be at my best. Commander Erwin deserved that, at least. I refused to let him down on another expedition.

I locked the door of my bedroom and kicked off my boots. I crawled under the covers of my bed, still holding Dad’s old book. Holding it close to me made me feel safe, in a weird sort of way. Perhaps I would bring it with me on the expedition tomorrow, just to carry a piece of him with me.

Thankfully, Dad had been spared of all the relationship drama, considering he never knew about Jax, and I didn’t date anyone after breaking up with him. He never had to worry about comforting his daughter or threatening a boy for making me cry. With a heavy heart, I wondered what he would have done if he were alive today, and he knew about my situation with Levi.

I knew he wouldn’t like him, not in the slightest. Levi was too rough for his liking, and he came off as rude and inconsiderate most of the time. Although they shared the same disregard for politics and paperwork, they would have been far from being friends. If Dad were with me right now, I was absolutely certain he would tell me to stop crying, that a man like him wasn’t worth my tears. Then, once he was sure I was feeling better, he would march right over to Levi’s office (or wheel down there in that special chair of his) and give him one hell of a thrashing. Even though he never had to deal with relationship problems with neither me nor Leyna, he was still fiercely protective of us, and he didn’t take kindly to those who dared to hurt us.

The memories of Dad hurt, but at the same time, they made me feel a little better. It was nice, remembering the good old days with him. It had taken me forever to think of him without crying after he passed away, and now it was a joy to remember all the fun we used to have.

_Yeah, just think about Dad. He always makes you feel better._

It was definitely easier than focusing on Levi, that’s for sure. With a tired sigh, I snuggled deeper into the sheets and tightened my grip on the book beside me. Somehow, through the storm of tears, I was able to fall asleep.

|~|

The road to Utopia District was a long one. It was at the very tip of Wall Rose, in the northern direction. Because our base was located between Trost and Karanes, it would take us at least half a day to get there—if we hurried. And with the winter days still running short, we didn’t have much time.

Our base was close to the southern tip of Wall Rose, with Utopia District being directly across from Trost. But instead of cutting through the inner Walls and going through Mitras, we decided to go around Wall Sina altogether, and we stayed on the far side of Wall Rose the entire journey there. That way, we had much more room to move around, and we could move at the speed Erwin wanted. We didn’t want to drag the horses and wagons through the inner districts; it would be too much of a hassle, and we were already on a time crunch.

The Scouts ended up leaving even before the crack of dawn, to make sure we had as much time as possible to get there. The royal assembly expected us to arrive in Utopia _and_ set out on the expedition on the same day. They obviously didn’t have a clue about how these operations were handled, but we were forced to stay silent. Any word out of us would be taken as a refusal to comply with the government’s orders, and none of us wanted to be in any more trouble with them than we already were.

I stayed in the far right section of the formation, near Hanji’s squad. While I wanted to talk to my bespectacled friend to pass the time, I didn’t want her to pick up on my sour mood. Besides, she was busy chatting with Moblit, who was riding alongside her. I didn’t need to distract her.

Instead, I lingered by myself, with my squad right behind me. Once in a while, when I would look back to see how they were faring in this weather, I would see Gretel and Evan hastily pull away from each other. They had been trying to hold hands to keep each other warm, but it was proving to be difficult on horseback. While I didn’t mind the affection, even though some soldiers would frown upon it, I couldn’t help the twinge of bitterness that hit my chest.

_I’m glad that everything seems to be working out for Gretel and Evan, I really am. It’s nice that everything seems fine for them, but what about me? I wish I could say the same about me and Levi, but I can’t._

I froze as my eyes suddenly met a pair of familiar silver hues toward the center of the formation. With a grimace, I turned away and yanked my hood up. I didn’t want to see him. Not now, and maybe not ever.

I snuggled deeper into the fuzzy hood of the cloak. At least this sudden winter expedition had its perks. The government had sent us a plethora of winter gear for the military, which we had been needing for years. Because we never ventured north, we had no use for the ragged winter gear back at our base. But with a new expedition coming up, the government insisted we have the proper gear.

The uniform wasn’t much different than our usual one, but it definitely had more layers. The coat was heavier and a dark shade of olive green, in contrast to the usual light brown jacket we were required to wear. Our cloaks had the same pattern embroidered on the back, but it had multiple layers for warmth. The hood of the cloak was lined with thick black wool from one of the farms in the inner Wall. We were also assigned thick black gloves and scarves to keep out the chill, and the breeches they had given us were also heavy and layered. The boots were similar to the leather ones we always wore, but they had a thick lining of wool to keep us warm. I had to give credit to the people who had put these uniforms together; they were quite efficient, even after spending several hours in the snow with them.

The black wool lining tickled my cheek as I turned away from the rider approaching my left side. With a huff, I pulled the black scarf up to my nose. I wasn’t going to talk to him.

Edel snorted at Mischa, and she gave a soft whinny in reply. Even when the two of us were pissed at each other, our horses always seemed to get along. Maybe it was a blessing, but right now, I saw it as a curse. Couldn’t Edel understand that I wanted nothing to do with Levi _or_ his horse?

“Mia.” He kept his voice soft, as if he didn’t want anyone to hear him address me as anything other than _Wolf_ or _brat_ or _dumbass_. It only made me angrier. “We need to talk.”

_Doesn’t he have a squad he should be with?_ I turned around in my saddle, and my stomach flipped when I realized Gunther and Eld were already with him, riding beside Gretel, Evan, and Reggie. If they were here, he was free to talk with me, and it wouldn’t seem suspicious to those around us.

I glared at him before turning my head to face the road head-on. We were nearly at Utopia by now; we had just passed the huge lake on the outskirts of Orvud District.

“I’m…sorry for last night.” The words sounded too rehearsed for my liking; he was obviously forcing himself to say them. No doubt he had practiced them before coming to talk to me. “I didn’t mean what I said. I know it was stupid of me and I know—”

“You’re sounding very cliché right now,” I cut him off sharply. His eyes hardened, but he didn’t try to interrupt my tirade. “I don’t want to talk to you, and you shouldn’t want to talk to me. I don’t matter to you, right?”

If I didn’t know any better, I could have sworn I saw his eyes flash with remorse. But it was gone before I could blink, and that familiar jerkish aura surrounded him once more. “I’m just trying to apologize, like you wanted.”

“Oh, _did_ I want you to apologize?” It was hard to keep my voice soft, but I had to try. I didn’t want the entire branch to know about our fight last night. “No, I don’t want you to apologize. I want you to leave me alone so I can get through this damn expedition in peace and quiet. I don’t need you hanging over me.”

Although he had his scarf pulled up to his nose, I could tell he was scowling. But I didn’t care. He had started this whole mess, and it was his job to get us out of it. But I wasn’t going to make it easy for him. He had hurt me last night, and I wanted to make sure he knew that.

“Fine, I’ll leave you alone.” A shiver dripped down my spine at his tone. “But don’t expect me to save your ass when you need me.”

My gloved hands gripped the reins so hard I thought they might burst. His words cut deeper than I had anticipated. It felt like they were shredding the promise he had made to me so long ago. _The promise he made to protect me._

“Fuck you.” I dug my heels into Edel’s sides a little more forcefully than I had intended, earning a soft whimper from the gelding underneath me. But once he started moving, I signaled for my squad to follow, and we headed toward the center of the formation—and away from Levi.

Once we were closer to Erwin’s squad and Mike’s squad, I felt like I could breathe again. At least Levi wouldn’t try talking to me if Mike was here. He was an observant one, and judging by the way Levi acted just now, he didn’t want anyone to know we were pissed at each other. I was safe, for the time being.

Another rider closed in on me from the right side, but when I turned to see who it was, I let out a sigh of relief. Reggie tilted his black scarf down to his chin, exposing his bright red nose and pale cheeks.

“Captain, are you okay?”

I took a deep breath, flexing my fingers through the black gloves. “I’m fine, Hertz. What gave you the assumption I’m not?” But, I knew his answer already. Levi and I hadn’t exactly been subtle back there.

He chewed on his bottom lip and averted his eyes. “It’s just…well…”

_Sheesh, what is it with all my recruits hesitating to speak with me? It must be a cadet thing, right? I’m not **that** intimidating, am I? I’ll have to ask Hanji and Mike about it later… _

“Forgive me if I’m speaking out of turn,” he finally answered, “but you and Captain Levi seem…exceptionally close.” Although I raised my eyebrow at him, I let him continue with his point. “And, well, it’s just… _weird_ when the two of you are mad at each other.”

I couldn’t help but smile at the boy’s innocence. For a confident cadet, he could still be nervous about offending people. “Is it really that noticeable?” When he nodded, I shook my head. “You’re not that far off, Hertz. The captain and I haven’t been…on the greatest of terms recently. And I apologize if that’s rubbing off on you and the others.”

“No, it’s fine.” Just like that, he was back to his usual serious self. “We just want to make sure you’re okay. You _are_ our captain, after all. We want to look out for you, just as you do for us.”

Suddenly, I didn’t see Reggie anymore. I didn’t see Gretel and Evan behind me, or even Erwin’s and Mike’s squads up ahead. I could only see Emmett and Rosalie, riding beside me on their horses, laughing and smiling without a care in the world.

I didn’t deserve the trust my cadets had put in me—not when I had the blood of those two on my hands. I didn’t deserve to be the one to look out for them, especially when I couldn’t keep an eye on two sixteen-year-old recruits in the first place. I couldn’t save them from a single Abnormal, so what made me qualified to protect these three?

The guilt swirling around in my stomach only worsened when I realized that they had no idea about my first squad. Sure, there were rumors, but they probably had no idea who Rosalie and Emmett were. How could they trust me completely if they didn’t know my history with them?

My throat tightened as I hiked my scarf up and over my nose. “Just focus on the mission, Hertz. There’s no need to worry about me.”

Before he could answer, I urged Edel further into the formation. I had to keep a clear head. I couldn’t let anything distract me. If my squad trusted me enough to keep them alive, I would do my damnedest to make sure they came home safely.

|~|

The citizens of Utopia District were shocked to see the caravan of Scouts marching toward the outer gate. Very rarely did we ever depart from the northern districts—and we never did so in the winter.

It was a very different atmosphere, compared to the other districts I had visited in the past. Even in Wall Maria, the northern districts had a reputation for being extremely wealthy and prosperous. The houses were small but well-kept, and the roads were covered with polished stone. It was a drastic shift from the dirt paths we always saw in Shiganshina, and even Trost. The citizens were dressed in brightly-colored clothing fashioned out of silk and wool, and some of the women donned pieces of jewelry around their necks and wrists. Upon seeing them, I reached up and pressed the skin of my throat. Even underneath all the layers I wore, I could still feel the outline of the little wolf charm on the leather cord around my neck.

Erwin led us over to the edge of the district, and within a matter of moments, the Garrison soldiers up above began preparing to lift the gate. But the whispers around us only grew louder, and it wasn’t long before the civilians’ doubts began reaching the Scouts. Eventually, the murmurs of the cadets behind me reached my ears.

“I mean, it’s a little weird.” That was Evan’s voice. “The majority of Titans roam the southern districts, so why would they send us out further north? It doesn’t really make sense.”

I quirked an eyebrow as his words sank in. Now that he mentioned it, it _was_ a little strange the nobles had sent us out north. There were so few Titans beyond the northern half of Wall Rose that we rarely even bothered exploring the territory outside. I mean, I wasn’t opposed to it, but why were they interested in sending us out right now? And especially when it was still winter? Wouldn’t a summer expedition make more sense, considering the harsh weather conditions? Summer was by no means a safe season to head out in the north, but it was definitely better than heading out in the middle of February.

Gretel scoffed, and if I had to guess, I would say she was rolling her eyes. “Yeah, it does seem weird. Besides, I don’t even think there are Titans out there. I don’t think they can survive in the snow, can they?”

“You obviously didn’t pay attention in class…”

“I did pay attention, thank you very much! You better watch your mouth, Brose.”

I bit back a smile. Even if they were together at this point, their dynamic hadn’t changed in the slightest.

The gate began to lift in front of us. Erwin’s voice rang out, but I couldn’t catch what he was saying over the rumbling of the wall before us. I gripped Edel’s reins so hard I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore. A gust of cold wind blew past my face, but I kept my eyes open.

I had to stay focused. It would be dangerous out there, even if we didn’t run into a single Titan. And by the looks of the dark gray clouds above, we were in for a blizzard.

_Perfect day for an expedition_ , I thought bitterly with a groan. The nobles in the royal assembly didn’t know the first thing about the Scouts and how we operated.

When the gate lifted completely, Erwin led us through. We didn’t charge out, like we usually did whenever we departed from Trost or Shiganshina. We didn’t want to tire our horses out so early in the journey. Besides, there was at least three feet of snow outside, and there would be plenty more to come later in the day.

Our plan for the expedition was simple: we would branch out and assume our regular formation as usual, but we wouldn’t spread too far out from each other. Erwin had told us the objective was to follow the river that led to what remained of Fuerth District. The river flowed south and cut right through the territory of Wall Rose before branching out in the outskirts of Mitras in Wall Sina. If any of us were stranded, we were to follow the river and make it back to Utopia District safely.

But that wouldn’t happen to Reggie, or Gretel or Evan. I would make sure of it.

Erwin’s right arm lashed out to the side. That was our cue. I yanked Edel to the right and urged him forward. My squad was right behind me, followed closely by Levi’s squad. As the black-haired captain took his usual spot on my left side, I fought the urge to roll my eyes. I began to regret not asking Erwin to switch up the formation before we headed out this morning. I didn’t want to be near him any more than I had to.

It didn’t take long for the Scouts to break off into our usual groups. Just like last time, my squad was paired up with Levi’s on the right flank. Eventually, we were the only ones who could see each other—the closest group, which would be Hanji’s—was already hidden by the mist.

Fat snowflakes began dripping down on my sleeves, melting into the fabric instantly. Edel sneezed as one landed directly on his nose, and it wasn’t long before Gretel sneezed, as well. I heard a breathless laugh from Evan, but he silenced himself soon after. She must have given him one of her famous death glares.

“It’ll take a while for us to reach any homes,” I called to my squad (and Eld and Gunther), “but be on the lookout. A Titan can jump out at any minute, so be prepared.”

Although it was highly unlikely, it wasn’t unheard of for a Titan to survive in the harsh weather north of the Walls. They were mostly Abnormals, and they managed to regulate their body heat enough to endure the cold temperatures. Of course, they tended to be much more energized than the average Titan because of this, so they were even more dangerous to face in the field. We couldn’t take any chances with them.

“Captain,” Evan spoke up, “have you ever been north of the wall before?”

“Once or twice, but that was years ago.” When Shadis was still in command, in fact. I was probably a year older than them when we left Fuerth District for the first time. “I barely remember it. We’ve always departed from Shiganshina, since that’s where the Titans gathered.”

Reggie’s eyes stayed glued to his gloved fists. I had to tread lightly with this conversation; I had almost forgotten that he had come from Shiganshina, as well. How old had he been when it fell? He was most likely fourteen, in the midst of his training as a cadet. Had he been there when it fell to the Titans? Had he seen the horrors of that day? Had he lost anyone special to him, like I had lost Ben?

The memory of my brother stung, even after all this time. It had been roughly a year and a half since he had died, and I still wasn’t completely over him. Sometimes I still saw his bloody face in my nightmares.

I bit back a groan as I caught Levi staring at me with those cold gray eyes. I didn’t need to be reminded of Ben now, especially when I was angry with Levi. While I no longer blamed him for leaving my brother to die in order to save me, it wasn’t healthy to dwell on what might have been. The last thing I wanted was to get so worked up I couldn’t focus on keeping my squad safe.

As the seven of us continued on our way (without running into a single Titan, thankfully), the snowstorm started to pick up. It wasn’t strong enough to be considered a blizzard yet, but it wasn’t a light dusting, either. The wind was starting to pick up, and my cheeks were starting to redden because of it. I could no longer keep my eyes open for long periods of time; I had to keep blinking them in order to keep them thawed out.

We were about twenty miles east of the river that cut through the territory. If we followed it one way, we would end up in Utopia District. If we followed it the other way, we would find ourselves in what was left of Fuerth. It was our landmark, and as long as I kept repeating it to myself in my head, I was at ease.

Suddenly, Edel bucked underneath me, and I nearly went flying over his head. As I forced him to a halt and positioned myself back in the saddle, I gazed down to see what had made him trip. He was a big horse, but he wasn’t careless. He wouldn’t have taken a misstep without a good reason.

Sure enough, a small hole had been dug into the snowy ground. Luckily, Edel seemed to be fine, as he continued to walk without a problem. But once I was sure he was okay, I turned my attention back to the hole in the ground.

It wasn’t too big, but it was enough to make Edel trip. My eyes trailed over to the right—strangely, another hole had been dug right beside it. Another one followed it, and then another. They continued in a small path further east until I couldn’t see it anymore.

I signaled for my squad to stop moving. Once they did, they circled back around to face me. Levi was quick to follow, with Gunther and Eld at his side.

“What is it?”

I kept my eyes on the holes. Something about this didn’t feel right. If they had been dug by an animal, like a fox or a rabbit, surely there would have been dirt, right? But there was nothing like that nearby. Only fresh, clean snow surrounded the areas around them.

_Wait a minute._

These holes hadn’t been dug by an animal, or even an Abnormal. They were too small. In fact, they weren’t holes at all. They had a funny shape to them, like they had been stretched out. And when I squinted my eyes, I could see the faintest ridges melded in with the snow.

_They’re footprints_.

“What’s the matter, Wolf?”

I bit my tongue so hard I could taste blood. My father’s handwritten notes in the dusty geography book back in my office came flooding back to me. He had mentioned Naraka and the prisoners rumored to live there. They had fled north to escape the Titans altogether, to avoid being hunted by them. Had they made it back into Wall Maria’s territory after Shiganshina fell to the Titans? Did they see it as an opportunity to raid the homes in the northern villages and surrounding districts?

Or perhaps I was overreacting. Maybe these footprints didn’t belong to those prisoners in the first place. Maybe—just maybe—they belonged to a survivor from Fuerth District. A survivor who hadn’t made it to Wall Rose with the other refugees in 845, and now they were forced to survive out here on their own. Maybe there was a chance they needed to be rescued and brought home.

My throat tightened when I realized that six pairs of eyes were on me. _Should I tell them?_ No, I didn’t want to scare the cadets. Even if Naraka wasn’t real, it wouldn’t do any good to bring up rumors in my squad’s presence. And I didn’t want to give Eld and Gunther nightmares, either. Levi would kill me if I did that.

Still, we couldn’t leave here knowing there could be someone out there. What if it really was someone who needed our help? What if we were given the opportunity to save them, and we had just passed them by?

Too many people had died on my watch already. If there was someone out there who needed my help, I was going to give it to them.

“I need a moment,” I finally spoke, turning Edel in the direction the footprints led. “I’ll be right back—I just need to check something. Hertz, you’re with me. Mayer, Brose, you stay with the captain.”

There was no way in hell I was going to drag my entire squad into possible danger with me. But at the same time, I knew I couldn’t go alone. Reggie was the strongest one in my squad, right next to me. He had been chosen as my second-in-command for a reason, and if there was anyone I trusted the most in my squad, it was him.

But I should have known _someone_ would be opposed to my idea.

As Reggie took his spot next to me, Levi sent me a dangerous glare. “What are you doing, Wolf? The Commander ordered us to stay close together.”

_Oh, so **now** you want to play the hero? It’s a little too late for that, buddy. _

“We won’t be gone for too long.” There was no room in my voice for arguing. “Stay here and watch Mayer and Brose until we get back.”

“This storm’s only going to get worse, you idiot.” The five cadets—Eld and Gunther included—gazed back and forth between me and Levi, absolutely mortified by our interaction. While they were all pretty much used to the captain’s rude and blunt attitude by now, he rarely used it against a fellow Squad Leader. “You’ll get lost out there, so don’t chance it.”

_I’m not going to sit here and take this shit from him. I’m not his responsibility anymore, he said so himself. Why all of a sudden does he feel the need to play the role of my personal protector?_

Besides, the possibility of a citizen out there was too tempting to resist. Perhaps there really were survivors out there who hadn’t made it to Wall Rose in time. But we wouldn’t know until we found them, and every second Levi held us up, they could be a second closer to their death.

“I’m not arguing with you, Levi. Watch Mayer and Brose. Hertz, let’s go.”

I kicked Edel into a trot and began to follow the trail of footprints. Reggie was close behind, his face flushed from both the cold and the confrontation he just witnessed. If I had to guess, I would bet Gretel and Evan wore similar expressions.

_Who the hell does Levi think he is? He tells me last night I don’t matter to him—he tells me today that I’m no longer his responsibility—and **now** he wants to act all high and mighty?! What the hell is wrong with him?! I can’t believe how arrogant he is sometimes! _

_And he probably expects me to just shut up and take it, as usual. Just like how he expects me to swallow all those insults he throws at me. Well, I’m not playing this stupid little game any longer. I’m done with him, and he should be done with me._

_Ugh, why did I have to develop feelings for this asshole?! Why couldn’t it be Mike or Moblit or Erwin? Why did it have to be that short, arrogant clean freak?!_

“Ah, captain?”

“What?”

I flinched inwardly. Reggie didn’t deserve to suffer my wrath—the black-haired Scout behind us did. But before I could apologize, he pulled down the scarf on his face and gave me a sweet smile.

“Not to be rude, but Captain Levi frustrates me, too.”

I snorted with laughter. Even though I was still pissed, I admired his honesty.

“I can only imagine, Hertz.”

But then, his expression turned serious. “Captain, where are we going? Why did we leave the main group? …I’m not arguing, I’m just curious…”

I kept one eye trained on the path of footprints as I answered my cadet. “I just need to check something, and that’s all you need to know. We’ll regroup with them in a short while. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

I didn’t like keeping him in the dark, but I didn’t want him to get paranoid. He would surely freak out if he learned of the rumors surrounding Naraka, and the true nature behind the fabled city. The thought of humans beyond the Walls was absolutely terrifying. It was enough that we had to worry about Titans, but no one wanted to worry about human enemies. Besides, if they really were as dangerous as my father’s notes had made them out to be, I wasn’t looking forward to meeting them.

_Maybe that’s all a myth. Dad did have an adventurous mind, Ma always said so. Maybe Naraka doesn’t really exist, and you’re actually helping someone in need. Don’t let fear stop you from saving a life, Wolf._

The wind was only getting worse the further we followed the path of footprints. It was getting harder for our horses to move through the snow—I could tell by the way Edel kept grunting and shaking his head. The snow was starting to fill in the footprints, and at this rate, we wouldn’t be able to follow it for long.

“Captain, up ahead!”

My head jerked up at Reggie’s voice. In the distance, a small wooden house could be seen through the snow. The two of us shared a brief glance before heading for it.

It wasn’t unheard of for civilians to live outside the main districts of the Walls. If village life wasn’t for them, they were free to live in isolation, as long as they abided by the government’s laws. By the looks of it, this little house was all by its lonesome. 

_Maybe it’s abandoned? Or maybe there are people still living inside?_

I held out an arm to stop Reggie before we got too far. With a finger to my lips, I swung my leg up and hopped off of Edel, keeping his reins on the edge of the saddle. Reggie followed my lead, and the two of us began walking toward the house. I didn’t have to worry about our horses running off; if they didn’t get scared of Titans, they weren’t scared of anything.

I grabbed one of the handles resting at my hips and shoved it onto one of my blades. Reggie did the same and followed close behind me. I tried my best to keep my hands from shaking. For all I knew, I was leading us into a trap.

_No, stop it. For all we know, there might not even be someone in that house. And if there is, we’ll help them as best as we can. Besides, Naraka is probably just a myth. And even if it wasn’t, it’s all the way past Fuerth District. There’s no way those prisoners could make it down here, especially in this weather._

The house, which was only two stories high, was made of dark brown wood—if I had to guess, I would say it came from a spruce tree. The roof was a little tattered, and the windows were tinged with dirt. But the door was shut tightly; there was no sign of a break-in.

_At least that’s good news_. Still holding my blade, I raised my fist and rapped on the door. “Hello?”

My stomach churned when we were met with silence. The only sounds we could hear right now were the howling wind and the small ice chunks hitting the roof of the house.

“Is anyone in here? This is Mia Wolf. We’re from the Survey Corps.”

Again, no answer. With a heavy sigh, I twisted the knob and pushed on the door. Surprisingly, it slid open without hesitation. Whoever had lived here didn’t bother to lock the door.

“Keep your eyes peeled, Hertz. We don’t know who could be waiting for us.”

Although he nodded, I could see the fear in his eyes. The poor kid was just as scared as I was, perhaps even more. But we had a job to do, and I knew he felt the same about it as I did. If someone needed our help, we wouldn’t waste any time in giving it to them.

The inside of the house was quite dirty, but that was to be expected. A small unmade bed rested in the far corner, with its spotted sheets barely clinging to the mattress. Broken dressers were lined up against the wall, and an empty table sat in the center of the room. A ragged staircase stretched up to the next floor, but judging by the condition it was in, it couldn’t take much weight anymore. Various items were strewn about the room: chairs were on their sides, clothes were ripped, and cups were tipped over. It was a messy house—and an empty one, at that.

“Looks like it’s been abandoned for some time.” I couldn’t hide the disappointment in my voice. “There’s no one here. Come on, let’s head back to the others.”

I didn’t want to face Levi’s “I told you so” look, but we had no other choice. I would simply have to endure it until we made it back to base at the end of the expedition.

Then, just as Reggie headed back toward our horses, something caught my eye. A collection of tin cups rested on the floor—but they weren’t lying on their sides like the others. Instead, they were neatly placed in a small circle. There were three of them altogether, and a kettle rested in between them.

_Abandoned houses don’t have cups resting in order like that. If these people were in a hurry to get out, they wouldn’t have cared to put those cups like that. They would have been tipped over, like the ones around them._

This house had been abandoned at one point, but not anymore.

My heart was thundering in my chest. Should I tell Reggie? There was a chance whoever was living in this house now was still lingering around. Should I warn him, in case we happened to be attacked?

“Hertz—”

A large, meaty hand slapped itself over my mouth, and an arm circled around my torso. I barely heard Reggie yelling at me over the blood pounding in my ears.

Without thinking, I twisted the blade in my hand, so the edge was pointing outside, and shoved it backwards. A pained groan filled my ear as my captor stumbled back, his hands clutching his side. I yanked my blade out from the flesh of his waist. I had managed to cut right through him.

_What the—_

The man was older than me, probably middle-aged, and his clothes were thin and tattered. He was slightly balding, but his muscles were huge. But I couldn’t stare at him for too long. The sound of snow crunching under a boot could be heard, and before I knew it, another man had rounded the corner of the house.

“Reggie, get back to Levi. I’ll take care of them!”

I didn’t miss the knife the man clutched in his fist. With a flick of my wrist, I angled the blade out and began deflecting his blows. In a sick twisted way, I was reminded of all the nights Levi and I spent training in the forest, when we had done the same thing with our blades.

“Captain, I can’t—”

There was no mistaking the fear in his voice. The kid was petrified, too scared to even move. But we didn’t have any more time to waste. He was going to have to move his ass and save himself.

“I’m not arguing, Hertz! Get out of here!”

The man on the ground whimpered as blood seeped from his side, and a dark shadow of red was starting to form in the snow underneath him. Meanwhile, I knew I wouldn’t be able to take out the man I was currently fighting. Despite my training and experience, there was no doubt he had much more brute strength than I did. I was going to have to give myself an unfair advantage.

I slid my second blade out of the box on my thigh and swung it at him. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Reggie speeding away on his dark brown gelding. Thank the Walls he listened to me. At least now I didn’t have to worry about him getting hurt by these ruffians.

_They must be the ones who were hiding out in the house. But there were three cups, and I only see two men. So where is the other one?_

I grit my teeth as the man dodged the slash of my blade. I had to hold back; if Reggie came back with reinforcements, there was a chance we could take them down and bring them to the royal government. I could only incapacitate them, not kill them; I had to make sure any wounds I left on their bodies wouldn’t kill them.

Of course, it was a little hard to move around in all these layers. I was thankful for the warmth the cloak, jacket, and boots provided me, but they weren’t really made for close combat against humans. As a result, my movements were stiff and not as fluid as they usually were.

Suddenly, the man in front of me launched backwards, keeping the knife in front of him, and a heavy weight crashed into my back. I tumbled into the snow, my blades flying out of my hands. With my face pressed into the icy ground, I felt my left arm being yanked behind me.

_So that’s where the other one was hiding! He was planning on sneaking up from behind. I should have seen it coming!_

Even over the howling wind and the grunts of the men around me, I could hear Edel’s desperate whinny. I didn’t expect him to try to attack the men in any way—he was too docile for that. But hopefully his cries would help bring the other soldiers over to our location.

I wrenched my head to the side just in time to see the man in front of me kick my blades further away from my hand. He knelt down to my level, wearing an ugly sneer. He had scraggly black hair and an unkempt beard. Dirt was smudged around his cheeks and eyes, and his shirt was torn at the sleeves. A dark stain was on the corner of his shirt, and it looked too dark to be considered mud.

“I didn’t know the Survey Corps traveled out this far north.” His voice was slimy and scornful, but there was a hint of amusement in his eyes. He _enjoyed_ watching me struggle on the ground. “What are you doing out here?”

I kept my lips sealed. I didn’t have to answer him, I only had to stall for time. By then the reinforcements would arrive, and we would be able to take all four of them down.

“Don’t be a stranger.” I flinched as his filthy finger trailed down my cheek. His touch reminded me of Jax, and I hated it. “What are the Scouts doing out here? I thought you kept to the southern districts.”

Again, I didn’t answer him. The only sound that slipped out of my mouth was a pained groan when the man on my back twisted my arm. Even though my arm was screaming at this point, I refused to give him what he wanted.

_Go to hell, you bastards. I swear, you’ll pay for this. I’ll make you pay!_

“You know, it wasn’t nice of you to stab our friend like that.” On cue, the man leaning against the side of the house moaned in pain. “Went clean through his skin. You’re pretty strong for a boy your age.”

_Wait, a boy?_

Then it hit me. My face and hair were still covered by my scarf and hood. These men had no idea I was actually a girl. But maybe that was for the best; there was no telling what they might do to me if they found out.

“What do you mean? She’s a little bitch.”

The man loosened his grip on my arm just enough to yank my head back and pull my hood off. My reddish-brown hair fell to my shoulders, and my scarf slipped down my face.

_Shit!_

“Is she, now?”

The bearded man nodded, and the man behind me tugged me up. My knees grew wet as they pressed against the hard snow. With a groan, I glared at the man before me. He kneeled down in front of me, his mouth strung up in a sadistic smile.

“Why don’t we make a deal then, sweetheart?”

Hot tears pricked my eyes. I didn’t want to hear any more of this.

“You see, we’ve been on the move for a while, and it’s been so long since my men and I have enjoyed the company of a woman. Why don’t you help us out with that?”

His eyes darted to the man behind me so fast I almost missed it. Suddenly, the straps on my thighs loosened up, and the man holding my arm kicked the blade boxes to the side and further away from me. Before I could scream, the bearded man slapped a hand over my mouth.

“It’s the least you could do for us, especially after stabbing our friend like that. Why don’t you apologize to him, sweetheart?”

He shrieked as I bit down on his hand. The salty taste of his sweat made my stomach churn, but I had to deal with it. I wasn’t going to be toyed around with like this.

The man behind me shoved me back down into the snow. Before I knew it, I was on my back, and my hands were pulled up and over my head. The bearded man smirked down at me before tightening his grip on my wrists. The man who had held my arm behind me now straddled my waist. As I took in his grimy features—ragged gray hair, crooked yellow teeth, faded bruise on his right cheek—he shoved my green cloak up and proceeded to undo the straps of the lower half of my harness.

That dark door in the furthest corner of my mind had opened up again. Memories of Jax flooded through my mind, and suddenly, I was fifteen again, helplessly trapped beneath his weight.

_No, not again! Don’t let it happen again! Fight it!_

But I couldn’t. No matter how hard I writhed underneath him, his weight was too much. He was too heavy, and the bearded man’s fingers were too tight around my wrists. I was starting to feel numb in my hands and arms.

He managed to rip the sash of my belt to shreds before unhooking the button of my pants. The tears were streaming down my face at this point, but I couldn’t scream for help. My mouth was bone dry. When I shut my eyes, I could still see Jax hovering above me, grinding his hips into mine.

“You’re a quiet one, aren’t you?”

The snow burned against my upper thighs as he started to slide my pants down. My eyes shot open at the sensation, and over the bruised man’s shoulder, I could see the other man standing behind him, still clutching at his wound.

As he went for my boot, I lashed out my leg and dug my heel into his face. He grunted in pain and reeled back, leaving me with my pants barely clinging to my knees. But I wasn’t going to stop there. I wasn’t going to lie here and take this.

“Fuck you!”

My voice was hoarse, but it was louder than I anticipated. I managed to land another kick to him—this time on the side of his head—but the wounded man was quicker than I anticipated. Still grunting in pain, he knelt down and shoved my leg up before holding it in place.

Edel was still screaming in the near distance. Through the wind, I could almost hear his hoof beats. Perhaps he had gotten too scared and ran away. I couldn’t blame him at this point. I wanted to run away myself.

“Keep her steady.”

As the wounded man held my leg down into the snow, the one with the bruise on his face reached around and slid a knife from the back of his belt. I pushed and pulled against them, but I couldn’t break free. More tears fell from my eyes as he turned his attention back to my unbuttoned pants.

_Please, don’t do this._

I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me so distressed. If I had to go through with this, I was going to take it as a soldier. I was going to bite my tongue and keep my tears from falling. I wouldn’t let them see me cry anymore. They wouldn’t hear me scream or sob. I refused to give them that much.

Suddenly, the heavy weight on my leg lifted in a flash. I opened my eyes to see the wounded man coughing up blood and falling onto his back. A fresh wound was engraved in his chest, and dark red patches began staining the snow beneath him.

Another wave of tears left my eyes. Standing behind the sputtering man was Levi, holding both of his blades and panting heavily. One of them was coated in blood and pink matter. My stomach flipped when I realized he had stabbed the man from behind.

The bearded man holding my wrists released me as Levi swung the blade at the man with the bruise. He barely had time to scurry away before a deep gash appeared on his right shoulder, stretching down to his neck. As he fell back into the snow, Levi turned back to the bearded man, who was now holding the knife he had used to fight against me.

As Levi led the man away from me, slashing both of his blades at him, I crawled onto my hands and knees and yanked my pants back up. The tears were flowing down my face at this point, burning against the icy wind.

_He came back for me. Is he alone? Did he bring the rest of our squads with him? Or did he tell them to head back?_

The bruised man groaned from his spot in the snow, clutching his torn shoulder. When he glanced up at me, something like fear flashed in his eyes. Still on his back, he attempted to crawl away from me.

_He’s not getting away that easily_.

I didn’t have time to grab either of the blades they had kicked away from me just minutes ago. Instead, I reached around and grabbed the knife I stashed away at the holster behind my waist. My knees and hands were soaked as I crawled towards him, but I barely noticed.

Pitiful mewls left his mouth, and tears began leaking from his dirty eyes. Although I couldn’t make out the words he was saying, I was certain he was begging for mercy.

_Why should I give in after what you did to me?_

Suddenly, his hand lashed out at me, eager to grab onto anything at this point—my throat, my face, my arm—it didn’t matter. I swiped it away and brought the knife down with a scream.

The knife slid so easily into his skull, right above his eyes. My fingers trembled around the handle of the knife, but I refused to let go. I could only watch as the man stared at me with bleak, cloudy eyes. A few seconds later, his chest stopped moving altogether.

_Is he—oh God…_

_By the Walls, is he **dead**? Did I just kill him? _

_What have I done?_

I ripped my hand away, staring at the knife. It was still lodged in his head, and blood began to pool out of the wound. The longer I stared at it, the more my stomach churned. Squeezing my eyes shut, I turned around and heaved, and before I knew it, a stream of vomit hit the snow before me.

_No, no, no! I didn’t just kill him! I did not kill that man!_

I wasn’t responsible for ending his life. I _wasn’t_. He was just playing tricks on me—that had to be it. I wasn’t a murderer.

_I’m not!_

But when I looked back at the still body in the snow, more bile rose up in my throat. No one could survive a knife to the skull—and I had been the one to put it there. Whether I liked it or not, I was the reason that man was no longer breathing.

_Shit, it shouldn’t have been that easy! Why didn’t I hold back? Why didn’t I just focus on wounding him? Why did I have to go so far as to actually **kill** him? _

A string of curse words filled the air. Blinking the wetness out of my eyes, I turned my head and saw Levi stumbling towards me. His face was scrunched up and his black hair was a mess, but he was alive. But my stomach dropped when I saw the red shadow forming underneath his jacket.

“You’re bleeding.”

He shook his head, but I could see the flash of pain that passed over his features. He slid the bloodied blades back into the boxes on his thighs, his eyes never leaving mine.

“I’ll be fine. Are _you_ alright?”

I glanced behind him. Lying in the snow was the bearded man, his arms sprawled out and coated with blood. I fought the urge to puke again and forced myself to stare at Levi.

“I’m fine.”

But I _wasn’t_. I felt like I was going to pass out at any second. My whole lower half was soaking wet with snow, and my face was freezing with the remains of tear tracks. And as much as I wanted to ignore it, I couldn’t get the feeling of being held down by three men out of my mind.

_Just like what happened with Jax. You let it happen again, Wolf. If Levi hadn’t saved you, who knows what would have happened to you?_

“Where are the others?” I prayed with all my heart that Reggie, Eld, and the rest of our cadets were safe and sound.

“Back by the river.” He held out his hand and pulled me to my feet. I didn’t miss the hiss of pain he let out, or the way his hand flew to his side. “We have to move. The storm is getting worse.” He motioned to the area behind me, where Edel and Mischa were standing side by side.

_Looks like he didn’t leave after all. Then, were the hoof beats I heard Mischa’s all along?_

“But you’re hurt! I can’t let you ride when you have a wound.”

“Wolf, don’t argue. I’ll be—”

I shrieked as he stumbled forward, leaning against my chest. I wrapped my arms around him, trying my best to hold him up. He grumbled to himself and pulled his hand away. Dark red liquid began streaming down his palm, and a few drops landed in the snow below.

“Levi?”

He mumbled against the fabric of my cloak. He was losing quite a bit of blood, and it didn’t help that we were currently in the middle of a blizzard. If I didn’t hurry up and act fast, he wouldn’t be breathing for much longer.

Without thinking, I reached underneath my shirt and tore a strip of fabric from the white tank top I wore underneath. I couldn’t chance destroying my long-sleeved shirt—not in this weather—and the jacket material was too thick to rip apart. Once I was satisfied with the piece I had torn off, I laid Levi down and into my chest, with his back pressing against me. I wrapped the strip around his waist to make a crude bandage, just to stop the blood flow. I couldn’t risk having him bleed out on me.

“Come on, you have to help me.”

It took a few moments, but I managed to drag him over to Mischa and hoist him up in the saddle. Before I swung myself on Edel’s back, I grabbed the twin boxes and strapped them back onto my thighs. As I shoved my blades back into the boxes, I fought back a groan.

The bastards had managed to cut through the sash on my belt. Without the extra material to support me, there was no way I could engage ODM gear safely. If we managed to come across a Titan and I tried to use it, there was a good chance the straps would snap, and I would be no more than a bloody patch on the ground. And I couldn’t exactly count on Levi to take it out for us—not with the state he was in. Overall, it was just too risky.

_Well, let’s hope we don’t see any Abnormals up here. If we’re lucky, we can sneak by without them ever noticing us._

Finally, I walked over to the man with the bruised face and retrieved my knife. It was harder to take out, since the flesh had melded around it. When I finally tugged it free, a dribble of blood slid out. I grimaced and turned away as fast as I could.

Once I was sure Levi was secure, I pulled myself up and onto Edel’s back. I grabbed Mischa’s reins and urged both horses forward. It was a struggle, but Edel managed to lead us through the blizzard, which was getting worse by the minute. Every few seconds I glanced over at Levi, to make sure he wasn’t slipping out of the saddle.

But the snow that had fallen over the past half hour or so had built up considerably. The trail of footprints Reggie and I had followed over here had vanished under a layer of fresh snow. Every other direction looked the same: gray skies, white ground, and snow blowing sideways. Even when I squinted my eyes, I couldn’t tell which direction we had come from.

If we didn’t find the rest of the group soon, we were going to be in some serious trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi just doesn't know how to apologize or deal with feelings - and neither does Mia. They're just so hopeless sometimes it makes me want to pull out my own hair. Sometimes I wonder how we're already 31 chapters into this story and they haven't even kissed yet, and then I look at their interactions and say "Oh, THAT'S why." I think I'm taking the phrase "slow burn" a little too seriously...
> 
> Mia's love for her squad gets her into so much trouble. She's determined not to let anything happen to them that she willingly puts herself in more danger. (When will she learn?) Also, poor Reggie... No doubt he's going to feel guilty once he reunites with Mia and finds out she was almost assaulted. 
> 
> I was hesitant to have the group of men attack Mia the way they did, but then I realized there was no other way around it. There are some absolutely disgusting people out there in the world, and if they had no morals (much like the prisoners in the chapter), they wouldn't think twice about trying to take advantage of someone like that. I don't want to treat this subject lightly, because I don't see it as a joke. I also don't want to use it to just "spice up the story" - there will be trauma, and there will be consequences. This experience hurts Mia, and it won't be brushed aside. I plan to address it in the next couple of chapters and show the effect it has on her, and how she connects it to her past with Jax. She and Levi may have killed them, but there's no doubt she's going to have to deal with the aftermath. I just want to let you guys know, so you don't think I'm trying to add in unnecessary conflict. I take this subject matter very seriously, and I don't condone rape or any form of sexual assault. 
> 
> And they're stranded! Who could have seen this coming? *blushes* I know, I can be very predictable. Now that they're forced to spend time with each other, especially with Levi injured and passed out, they're going to have to deal with each other and figure out their way through their arguments. Expect some heavy angst in the next chapter, my lovelies, because it's going to get rough. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think! Do you guys like Mia's design? What about the tension between her and Levi? I'm eager to hear your comments. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope to see you again in the next chapter! :)


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy you guys like Mia's design! I was nervous it wouldn't be consistent, since I used a bunch of generators to create her, but I'm glad you guys are pleased with it! At least now you guys know what she looks like for the rest of the story, haha! 
> 
> This chapter includes a huge amount of angst and...emotional healing, I guess you could call it. It jumps around a bit, and I didn't expect it to be this long, but oh well. I'll explain more at the end - I hope you guys enjoy!

|XXXII|

My eyes were starting to hurt, thanks to the fierce snowy wind. Even with the scarf pulled up to my nose, the icy air still bled through. Edel and Mischa were starting to slow down as the snow gathered around their ankles. Thankfully, Levi was still leaning on Mischa’s back, but his condition was only getting worse.

By now, I was convinced we had taken a wrong turn somewhere. We had been walking for over an hour, and so far, we hadn’t come across any other soldiers—or the river. I had tried to shoot out a flare to call for help, but the wind was too strong for it to be noticeable. As much as I hated to say it, we were lost.

_It’s getting dark. We can’t stay out here for too long. I have to find shelter and start patching up that wound for real. I don’t know how bad it is, and I don’t want to take any chances with it._

He had been silent ever since we started our trek. At least he was still breathing, so I knew he wasn’t dead. I didn’t want to think about him dying. I wouldn’t let him.

_Why did he even come back for me? Why did he come alone? Did he purposely tell Reggie and the others not to follow him? If so, isn’t he being a little hypocritical? He was the one who said we shouldn’t split up._

I shook my head. I could worry about all that once we found a place to spend the night. Until then, I had to focus.

Edel whimpered as he kicked through a heavy tuft of snow. Mischa grumbled and threw her head back, causing the reins to nearly slip out of my hand. The horses couldn’t hold out much longer. They were southern animals—they weren’t used to such cold temperatures. If I wasn’t careful with them, they could end up freezing to death before the night was over.

I couldn’t feel my legs anymore. Even through the thick material of the pants and extra wool of the boots, I was starting to lose all feeling in them.

_Come on, keep going. You have to make sure the horses stay alive—that **Levi** stays alive. He’s dead if you don’t stitch up that wound. _

I gripped the reins so hard my fingers felt like they would fall off. Too many people had died on my watch already. I wouldn’t let another person suffer the same fate, not if I could help it.

When I squinted my eyes against the snow, I could see a small dark shadow in the distance. I blinked my eyes and took another look, just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating it. But sure enough, it was still there—and it looked like a small cabin.

_I hope this one is abandoned for real. If not, we’re all fucked._

Edel and Mischa grunted again, but the two of them kept moving. As we got closer to the cabin, I was relieved to see the doors and windows were still intact. If we had to hide out here for the night, at least we would be protected from the cold air outside.

It was considerably smaller than the last house we had been in. This one was only one story high, but the door was big enough for the horses to walk through. I wasn’t going to let them stay outside—they were coming in with us.

When we were only a few yards away from the door, I hopped off of Edel and grabbed one of my blades. I prayed to any higher power that the cabin was empty. I didn’t want to have to kill anyone else today.

I knocked on the door, but there was no answer. I waited a few seconds before twisting the knob. It was locked, but there was no light underneath the door. With a grunt, I kicked at the door, and it swung open effortlessly. An empty room stared back at me—not a single human in sight.

_Thank the Walls. Now I can get to work._

It was a struggle leading the horses inside, but I refused to let them suffer in the snowstorm. They were our ticket out of here in the morning, and if either of them froze to death, we would all be screwed.

Finally, Edel and Mischa were inside and tied to one of the shelves in the far corner. I lit one of the matches from the saddlebag on Edel’s side and lit one of the lanterns in the side of the wall. As gently as I could, I pulled Levi off of Mischa’s back and dragged him over to the bed in the opposite corner. The mattress was torn, and the sheets were a little dirty, but it couldn’t be helped. He needed help now.

He mumbled a bit as I placed him down on the bed. For such a small man, he was quite heavy. When I was sure the door was closed, I shed my ODM gear, cloak and jacket. Then, I rolled up my sleeves to my elbows and started unbuckling Mischa’s saddle. I placed it a few feet away from her in the corner across from her before giving her a friendly pat on the neck. When I was done taking off Edel’s saddle, I grabbed the medical bag that hung from the side of it and headed back to the man on the bed. I could take care of the horses properly once I was done with Levi. But at least now they weren’t stuck wearing those heavy saddles.

I fought back a blush as I pulled off his cloak and jacket. I made sure to keep them on the bed; I knew he would only complain if they dared to touch the dirty floor of the cabin.

Once his cravat and shirt were off and tossed to the far side of the bed, I removed the strip of fabric around his waist and studied the wound in his right side. It was a deep gash about three inches long, and blood was still leaking out. I had seen nastier wounds in my life, but the sight of it still made my stomach churn.

This was far worse than the small scratch on his arm I had patched up over a year ago. Back then, I had been able to just clean it out and wrap it up in a bandage. This would needed stitches, at the very least. But until we got back to Utopia District, it wouldn’t be cleaned and treated properly. I was going to have to work with what I had at the moment.

I flipped open the medical bag and grabbed the fresh cloth and the small bottle of alcohol inside. I tried my best to keep pressure on the wound with the torn fabric of the tank top, but the blood was still seeping out. Until I cleaned it and tied it off with a stronger bandage, it wouldn’t make much of a difference.

As I unscrewed the cap from the bottle of alcohol, I heard a soft grunt from the man before me. His eyes fluttered open as I hovered the tip of the bottle over his leaking wound.

“Sorry. This is going to hurt, but only for a little bit.”

He hissed in agony as the alcohol hit the gash in his side. The dirty sheets of the bed crumbled in his fists as he glared at me through those overgrown black bangs.

“Fuck! Be careful with that!”

“Stop being such a baby and deal with it. I’m being as careful as I can.”

Just because he had saved me and I was treating his injury now didn’t mean I wasn’t still mad at him. I hadn’t forgotten what he had said to me last night, or on the way to Utopia District. Once we were back behind Wall Rose, I didn’t want anything to do with him. But I couldn’t let him die out here—that wasn’t my job as a Scout. We didn’t leave our fellow soldiers to die when they needed our help.

The blood dripped onto the sheets below as I mopped up the wound with the rag. Thankfully, the wound didn’t look too dirty. It was most likely caused by a knife, and there was a strong chance it hadn’t been a clean blade. But it didn’t look infected, so that was a relief. Now the only thing to worry about was the blood loss and possible stitches.

I could feel those cold gray eyes on me as I worked in silence, watching every single move I made. A part of me wanted to snap at him and tell him to leave me alone so I could work in peace. But another part of me—the part that still wanted to be friends with him, even after everything he had put me through—reveled in the thought of holding his attention for this long. I didn’t know what to think of him anymore; he always made me feel so confused and flustered that I couldn’t focus around him.

“I’m going to have to stitch this up, or else it’ll never heal. It’s going to hurt for a while, but it has to get done.”

Luckily, I carried a set of needles and some thread in my medical bag. Ever since Charles had died before the fall of Shiganshina, I tried to carry as much supplies as I could, so I could be ready for any situation the Scouts came across. I had stitched up wounds before, especially on the field, so it wasn’t anything new to me.

Of course, that all depended on whether or not Levi would cooperate with me. He decided whether or not this would be a quick and painless process or a long and drawn-out one.

“Make it quick,” he mumbled, wincing as he sat up. I tried not to steal a glance at his exposed collarbone or the rippling muscles of his chest. (I was still pissed at him; he didn’t deserve to have me fawning over his body.)

I slid the thread through the needle and tied it off. When he gave me a nod, I pricked it into his skin, at the tip of the wound. He let out another hiss, but he didn’t complain as I started stitching him up. Of course, I didn’t miss the way he curled his hands around the sheets of the bed.

Judging by the number of faded scars on his body, he was no stranger to stitches. Had Isabel been the one to patch him up? No, she didn’t seem like the type to have the patience to do something like this. If I had to guess, it was probably Furlan. He was most likely the medic of their little group in the Underground.

I bit my lip at the thought. Why was I suddenly thinking of them now, of all times? I hadn’t given them much thought for the past few months, so why all of a sudden was I remembering their faces?

_It must be Levi and his influence. He always manages to distract me in the worst of times._

“You’re soaking wet.”

I stopped halfway through his wound, raising my eyebrow at him. “No shit. It’s a blizzard outside. Of course I’m soaked.” _But I’m not about to start a fire in here just so I can dry them. I refuse to be seen in just my underwear in front of him._

For some reason, he didn’t meet my eyes. He just kept them focused on the space next to him on the bed. “You’ll get sick if you stay in them any longer.”

“What do _you_ care?” My voice was harsher than I intended, but I was still _pissed_ at him. “Aren’t you done following me around? I thought you said you were done protecting me, or whatever.”

_But if that’s true, why did he come back and save me from those men? He even said to me “don’t expect me to save you,” so what was I supposed to make of that? Had he really meant what he said back there, or did he still feel the need to look out for me? If he did, why would he even say that to me in the first place?_

It wasn’t until his wound was completely stitched up that he spoke again. “I’m just trying to help you, Wolf.”

“Well, I don’t _need_ your help. I was doing fine on my own.”

“Sure you were.” There was no mistaking the bitterness in his voice. “And because of that, you were nearly raped.”

My hands began to tremble as I grabbed the roll of bandages from my bag. There it was again—that cursed word, the one I hated hearing out loud. Had that almost happened to me back there? If Levi hadn’t saved me, would those men have succeeded in doing _that_ to me?

I did my best to avoid his gaze, but I still felt those burning gray eyes on me. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I tore a strip from the roll and started wrapping it around his waist over the stitches. Even though it was tempting, I tried not to press down on him too hard.

“Then how do you explain what happened earlier?”

_Shut up, just shut up already._

“What happened, Wolf?”

I tied off the bandages and shoved the roll back into my bag. _You can piece it together, genius. I’m not saying anything._

What was he getting at, anyway? Did he want me to openly admit that I was nearly assaulted? What would he gain from it? Was this his way of gloating over the fact he had saved me from a horrible fate? Did he take pride in knowing I was so dependent on him at this point?

“Tell me.”

“Stop it!” Both Edel and Mischa jerked their heads up at the sound of my scream. “Just leave it already! You already know what happened, I don’t need to say it!”

Hot tears were already pricking the corners of my eyes. I hated how easy it was for me to get emotional around this bastard. He had seen me cry too many times over the years we had known each other, and I despised that. Especially now, he didn’t deserve to see me in such a vulnerable state.

I fought back a sob as I stood up, holding my medical bag in my hand. But before I could get too far, he lashed out and wrapped his fingers around my left wrist. I tried to break free, but he wouldn’t loosen his grip. All the while, he kept staring at me with those stormy eyes of his.

“Mia, talk to me.”

 _So now he wants to talk? He didn’t want to talk to me last night, or today until we were almost to Utopia._ Besides, even when he tried to apologize to me earlier, it didn’t sound genuine at all. Now all of a sudden he wanted to talk to me, to pretend like I mattered to him. Now he decided I was worth his time, and that I was worthy of being addressed by my actual first name.

“What do you want me to say, Levi? That I was almost _raped_?”

The word was foul against my lips, and my tongue tingled when I voiced it. It was a disgusting word, and it made my heart pound furiously against my chest—but now it was out there in the open. I couldn’t take it back now. I had said it out loud, and it had brought a sense of reality to the fate I had almost suffered out there.

_They tried to rape me, tried to take advantage of me. Just like Jax tried to all those years ago._

_What would have happened if they had gotten away with it? Would they have killed me afterwards? Would they have taken turns with me? Would they have kept me around as their prisoner?_

The thought sent a wave of bile to my throat, but I couldn’t stop talking. I was going to let him know _exactly_ what I thought of him and his little game.

“Yeah, I was almost _raped_. Is that what you want to hear from me? Do you want me to admit that I’m useless without you protecting me? Is that it? What is your goal? Do you want me to feel like shit because I can’t get myself out of those situations?!”

He remained silent throughout my tirade, with his face keeping that same stoic expression. It made me want to smack him.

“I thought you said you were done protecting me! And then you swoop in and save me like some kind of knight in shining armor? Is that what you’re trying to do? Are you trying to reel me back in and make me feel as though I matter to you? Because you said you _didn’t_ care about me! That I _didn’t_ matter to you!”

The tears were sliding down my cheeks at this point. I tugged on my wrist, but he kept his hand around it. His eyes never left my own, even when I covered them with my arm to stop the tears from falling.

“You don’t care about me, you said it yourself! So don’t act like you do all of a sudden!”

My throat closed up at the memory of the three men hovering over me, each of them holding down a different part of my body. The thought of them made me sick to my stomach.

“Just leave me alone. Let me go.”

_I can’t believe I almost let it happen again. Why wasn’t I strong enough to fight back against them? Why did I have to be so useless when I was actually in danger? I was fine out in the field against Titans, but why did I have to be so powerless against other humans?_

I pulled on my wrist even harder than before, but he didn’t release me. Instead, he pulled me closer to the bed, and he turned his body to the side, so his legs were hanging off the edge. I swallowed tightly and turned away from him, my cheeks still wet with tears.

“I never said I didn’t care about you, dumbass.” His voice was low and strained; the events of the last few hours were finally catching up to him, it seemed. “And I made a promise to you. I wasn’t going to let anything like that happen to you.”

“If you really meant that, you wouldn’t have said what you did earlier,” I shot back, glaring fiercely at him. “You wouldn’t have said all those disgusting things. You wouldn’t have told me I couldn’t count on you. You wouldn’t have—”

A dark thought had bubbled up in the back of my mind. What if Levi had truly meant what he said earlier today? What if he hadn’t shown up to save me from those men? What if he didn’t feel the need to protect me anymore, and he just left me to fend for myself? What would have happened to me then?

Those three dark shadows were closing in on me fast. I could still feel their hands on me—smell their rotten breath—recall each detail of their face. I could still hear their laughter as they watched me struggle against them.

Then I saw Jax, at the center of it all. It always came back to him, no matter what. Even after a decade, I could still feel my wrists burn where he had grabbed me and pinned me down. I still felt his hands on my chest, his knees around my waist, and his length against my thigh.

Would I ever be free from them? Would there ever come a day where I could learn to breathe without feeling a crushing weight on my chest?

I was full-on sobbing at this point, not even caring if Levi could see me. I wrapped my free arm around myself, dropping my medical bag to the floor. But it wasn’t enough. Like always, I wasn’t enough to be able to comfort myself.

Without thinking, I launched myself at the man in front of me. I wanted to slap him, to stab him, to rip off those bandages and pluck out each and every one of those stitches I had sewn into him. I wanted to hate him with every fiber of my being for putting me through so much. And yet, even after all of this, I couldn’t.

Instead, I threw my arm around his neck and leaned into his bare chest, still sobbing uncontrollably. He barely had time to steady himself on the bed, with his hand still clutching my wrist. A light wince escaped his mouth as I pressed too hard into his right side, just above the stitches. For some reason, I moved to the side and away from his wound.

“I hate you.” My voice was muffled against his hot skin. “You hear me? I fucking hate you.”

But I knew it wasn’t true; and neither did he.

|~|

A soft crackling noise woke me up from my slumber. When I opened my eyes, I could see a small fire a few feet away from me, surrounded by rocks and pebbles. It wasn’t too big, but it was strong enough to warm up the entire house. A heavy weight rested on my side; when I looked over, I saw the two Survey Corps cloaks draped over me. I was laying in the center of the floor, right next to the fire, with a jacket propped up under my head to serve as a pillow.

Edel and Mischa were still in their corner of the cabin, their heads hung low as they slept soundly. My silver gelding snorted and swished his tail before falling back to sleep, nearly knocking into Mischa in the process. I bit back a smile; seeing my horse always made me feel better.

Across the room, Levi was seated at the window next to the door. A medium-sized futon had been built into the windowsill, fit for no more than two people, by the looks of it. He was facing the stained glass, with one leg propped up on the cushion and his left hand pressed to his side, right against the stitches. My throat tightened when I realized he was only dressed in his usual gray shirt and cravat; his jacket was folded up and right against my head.

I pushed myself off the floor and grabbed his jacket and our cloaks. Despite the fire in the middle of the room, it was still a little chilly. If he was planning on staying so close to the window all night, he should wear something warmer than what he had on.

My chest grew heavier with each step I took. I couldn’t remember much after passing out against his chest. I had cried myself to sleep—just like the night before. My bottom lip stung as I sank my teeth into the skin. I didn’t want to be reminded of that so soon.

He shifted himself on the futon the moment I reached him. My face bloomed with heat as I held out his jacket to him. Even after our fight earlier, he still felt the need to take care of me. And honestly, I didn’t know whether or not I liked it or hated it.

He took the jacket from me, dusting it off before he slipped it over his shoulders. I couldn’t help but smile at the sight of one of the bed sheets spread out on the futon underneath him. I guess it was too dirty for his liking.

“How long was I out?”

“An hour, maybe two. It wasn’t that long.”

 _Ah, I see._ “…And how are you feeling?”

He shrugged and turned back toward the window. A little space on the glass had been cleared away, and I could see the blizzard still raging on outside. “I’ll be fine. I’ve dealt with worse.”

 _Yeah, I can only imagine_. I shuddered at the memory of the ugly scar stretching from his neck to his right shoulder. I didn’t even want to know how he managed to get something like that.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I sat down across from him on the futon, with my right side pressed against the glass. I shifted my weight and pulled my knees up to my chest before draping my cloak across my shoulders. I held out the other one for Levi, but he shook his head. With a sigh, I placed it between us on the futon.

I knew I had to say _something_ , but the words wouldn’t come. What was I supposed to say? Should I apologize for fighting with him earlier? Should I demand an apology from him? Should I thank him for covering me up with the extra layers, just so I wouldn’t freeze to death? Should I thank him for saving me from those men back there? Or should I start telling him off for getting me all riled up earlier?

I was just nervous that if I _did_ start talking, I would only end up crying again. My head was already pounding—I didn’t think it could take another sob session.

But thankfully, I didn’t have to break the silence:

“What about you? Are _you_ okay?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat as those gray eyes found mine. I shrugged and fiddled with the green fabric of the cloak around my shoulders, picking at a loose thread. He had seen what was going to happen to me out there, so how did he expect me to answer that question?

“…I guess.”

He grunted and turned back to the glass. However, once his eyes were off me, I could feel goosebumps pebble on my skin. For some reason, I wanted to keep talking to him. Maybe if I did, I wouldn’t feel so damn lonely.

I didn’t like fighting with him, at the end of the day. I didn’t like it when we were at each other’s throats like this. It reminded me too much of our early days together, right after Isabel and Furlan had been killed. At least now we were able to talk with each other and poke fun at one another comfortably. Now, the tension was so thick you could cut it with a blade. I hated this feeling, and not just with him, but with anyone. I didn’t like holding grudges for too long, and if I did, I would only end up feeling isolated.

_Maybe I should be the bigger adult here and apologize first. Then maybe he’ll start talking about what happened last night. He was already trying to apologize earlier, even before we made it to Utopia District. If I ease into it, there’s a good chance he won’t snap at me the first chance he gets._

“Why did you come back for me?”

_There, I said it. Now maybe I can find some peace of mind._

It was a start—a weak and pathetic one, but a start nonetheless. I wasn’t the best at talking to people to begin with. With a sigh, I wished with all my heart that Hanji were here with me.

_I hope she’s safe and sound._

This time, he didn’t even turn to face me. He just kept staring through the glass, watching the snow fall to the ground. Already, there was an additional three feet of snow outside the house, and it looked like it wouldn’t be stopping anytime soon.

“You know the answer to that question.”

 _So he’s playing hard to get, huh? Well, I’m not in the mood._ “No, I really don’t.”

He let out a sigh, his fingers ghosting over the bandages around his torso. I could see them through the spaces between the buttons on his shirt. “Fine, then. Why did you patch me up?”

I quirked an eyebrow at him. What was he getting at? But whatever it was, I knew I had to answer if I wanted to get anything of substance out of him. “Because it’s my job. I wasn’t going to let you die.”

“Exactly. I wasn’t going to let you die, either.” By now, his gray eyes were focused on me. “The Scouts look out for each other, right? You said so yourself.”

I did, in the months following Ben’s death. He had called me out on it back then, claiming that I was hypocritical for praising the Scouts for protecting one another, but getting angry any time he tried to protect me. A year and a half later, I still hadn’t learned anything from that encounter.

“Yeah, whatever. But I thought you said you were done with doing all of that. With me, at least.”

I didn’t want a repeat of our earlier conversation. It was a struggle, but I kept myself calm and reserved underneath the heavy cloak around my body. My fists were clenched together, but other than that, I was willing to listen to whatever he had to say.

His eyes flickered, but maybe it was a trick of the flames from the fire. “I didn’t mean what I said.”

 _Sure you did_. “Then why did you say it?”

I half-expected him to scoff and turn around to the window again, or tell me to get lost and leave him alone. I was relieved when neither of those happened. Instead, he ran his hand through his black locks, groaning into the skin of his palm.

“Wolf, you know I’m shit with words. That didn’t come out right, and I didn’t realize how you might feel until after I said it. I was pissed…and I’m sorry.”

A tiny bit of the weight on my chest suddenly vanished. This apology sounded a little more genuine than the one he had tried to force on me earlier on our way to Utopia District. This one was raw, unrehearsed, and…simply _Levi_.

It wasn’t a secret he was horrible with words. I had experienced it firsthand, during all the times we spent together, with and without Hanji at our sides. He preferred to speak through his actions, and when he did use his words, he got right to the point. He was harsh and blunt, but that’s what made him who he was.

_That’s why you were drawn to him in the beginning, right? At least, it’s one of the reasons._

I let my hands relax underneath the cloak and leaned my head back on the wall. “It was a little uncalled for, but I forgive you. And I’m sorry, too. Maybe I was too rash…”

Surprisingly, he shook his head and frowned at me. “No, you had every right to be pissed at me. I shouldn’t have yelled at you last night.”

My heart was throbbing against my chest. Suddenly, it felt too hot in this tiny cabin. I wanted to shed my cloak and jacket, but I knew I would only regret it. I needed to stay warm, especially with a blizzard rattling the cabin from outside.

My words came back all at once: _“You just saw me as an easy catch, didn’t you? Is that what you think I am? Someone you can play with when you get bored?”_ Even now, they left me feeling angry and hopeless.

He didn’t _really_ see me like that, did he? Surely if he did, he wouldn’t be leading me on right now? If he didn’t see me as a friend, he would have left me by now, right?

But he was a difficult man to read. Even after nearly three years of knowing him, I still couldn’t tell what he was thinking or why he did certain things.

“So…why did you even push me away last night?”

This all started because I had the guts to start kissing his neck, just as he had done to me a couple months ago. I thought I was just returning the favor, but it appeared I had misread him. Maybe he wasn’t comfortable with that when it came from me? But then, why would he lead me on? Was he just not ready to be that close with me?

Another groan left his lips as he shifted himself on the futon. Now, both of his legs were on the cushion, his ankles brushing against mine.

“I don’t want to risk it.”

I blinked, my mouth hanging open. “What…what do you mean?” 

“Either of us can die at any moment out there. It almost happened today, to _both_ of us. I don’t want to put you through that.”

_So **that’s** why he doesn’t want to get closer to me? He’s scared of hurting me if he somehow gets killed? _

While it was sweet and considerate, it was also a little cowardly. Maybe I was biased, because my parents had made it work, but I didn’t see a problem with it if two soldiers decided to pursue a relationship with each other. Sure, there were risks involved, but the Scouts were no strangers to risks. We all had loved ones waiting for us back at home: parents, children, friend, lovers, aunts and uncles, you name it.

Even before I met Levi, I knew there was a chance I wouldn’t make it home to see my parents or my brother and sister again. It was hard in the beginning, but we managed to get through it. Now, taking risks were just part of life as a Scout. You didn’t know when you could die out there, or if you were ever going to see your family and friends again. In a strange sort of way, I could understand his reasoning.

Still, that didn’t mean he had to deprive himself of the simple pleasures life had to offer. My parents were still very much in love with each other, even as my father continued to go out on expeditions outside the Walls. They still found the time to smile and laugh with each other, even with all the hardships they had to endure.

Even now, I could still crack a smile at Hanji’s antics. I could still bite back a laugh as Reggie and I struggled to break up Gretel and Evan whenever they were fighting. I could still enjoy Levi’s presence whenever we spent time together in my office or his. They weren’t much, but these little moments meant the world to me.

_So why can’t he see that? Is the risk not worth taking? Does he really think the negatives outweigh the positives?_

“You don’t have to worry about me,” I mumbled, a blush dusting my cheeks. “We take risks all the time in the Survey Corps. It’s nothing new.”

My stomach churned as he remained silent. I had no doubt he was letting this all sink in, but deep down, I knew his mind wouldn’t be changed. He was stuck with his views, and it was nearly impossible to alter them in any way. He was too focused on fighting the Titans and freeing humanity to have time for any kind of relationship. He was convinced that one of us would die out there, and he didn’t want to go through the pain of losing another friend.

_Just like with Furlan and Isabel._

And even if he was the one who ended up dying (which I didn’t see, but it could definitely happen), he didn’t want me to suffer. We had both seen how distraught Anna had been after she lost Charles, and he didn’t want that to happen to me. He didn’t want me to wake up every morning with the guilt of losing him hanging over me. In a twisted sort of way, I could almost understand where he was coming from.

“Okay, fine. Maybe you’re not interested in that.” I kept my eyes on the stray threads of the cloak between my fingers, pulling them off the fabric one by one. “Then what were all those hints you were dropping? What about when we were…you know…in my office…”

_How can I explain what happened that day in my office, when he gave me that love bite?_

“I thought you were interested, and that’s why you were acting like that. I thought maybe you saw me more than a friend.” _I thought you were giving me hope that we could be something more._ “Did you…did you just see me as a quick fuck?”

He scoffed in disgust and nudged his leg into mine. The longer he stared at me with those intense gray eyes, the hotter my face burned. I prayed it was only the warmth from the fire, though.

“Don’t even say that, you brat. I never saw you like that; I thought you knew me better than that by now. You were never just a ‘quick fuck,’ or whatever you call it.”

My bottom lip found its way between my teeth. _Then…why did he make it seem like he was interested in me?_

What was he trying to do, if he wasn’t trying to get close to me? He didn’t see me as an easy catch, but he didn’t want a relationship with me. What was I supposed to say to that? If he didn’t see me as either of those things, what did he see me as?

A sigh escaped his lips once more. His black bangs hung over his eyes as he stared at me. I held my breath, waiting for him to speak again.

“Listen, I don’t know what you are to me, but you’re not that. You were never that, and you never will be. You just _matter_ to me.”

His voice was soft, but I caught every single word with ease. My throat began to close up. Was this his way of admitting to me that he saw me as a friend, in the same way I saw him?

“Then why didn’t you just tell me?”

He shrugged and turned his gaze back to the window. At first, I thought I had scared him off again, that I had somehow discouraged him from answering me. But then he spoke, his hot breath fogging up the stained glass.

“…Maybe I was worried you wouldn’t feel the same about me.”

I couldn’t hold back the smile on my face. With my face practically scorching at this point, I reached over and rested a hand on his knee. His eyes met mine, and I felt a rush of happiness when I saw that they were almost a silver color.

“Listen, I like you a lot. You’re one of my best friends, and nothing’s going to ever change that. But if you don’t feel ready for anything else, I’m okay with that. We can just stay being friends, if that’s what you want.”

The two of us stared at each other in silence. I wanted him to give me an answer, but I knew I could wait. When he was ready, he would talk to me. I couldn’t push him, or else I would just end up chasing him away. I needed to be patient with him if I wanted him to stay for real.

“…You don’t have to answer me right now,” I added in quickly, taking my hand off his knee and leaning back against the wall. “You can, you know, wait until we get back to Utopia District. It doesn’t have to be right this minute.”

I could tell he was thankful that I was giving him some space—I saw it in the light smile that appeared on his features. My heart was racing, and I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around him in a hug, but I didn’t want to ruin what little progress the two of us had just made. I could wait.

A few moments of silence passed between us, and we simply spent the time watching the blizzard rage on outside. The moon was barely peeking through the heavy gray clouds up above. Tiny chunks of ice sprayed across the glass, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see Mischa jolt before falling back asleep.

“Erwin must have called the Scouts back,” Levi said, his deep voice nearly startling me. “He wouldn’t continue the expedition in these conditions.”

_He’s right. Hell, Erwin was skeptical about this expedition even before it began. He knew a northern trek in the middle of winter was a bad idea. I just wished the nobles in Mitras had enough sense to listen to him._

“Something just doesn’t feel right about all this.” I started playing with the thread on my cloak again, peeling it from the main fabric altogether. “Those nobles are never interested in the Scouts and their affairs, so why are they so involved right now? They’ve never told us when and where to have expeditions before, so why start now?”

Were they insecure about the power they held over us? Was it their way of checking to make sure the Scouts were doing their job? Or was it their way of getting revenge on us? Had they sent us out here in the dead of winter just to spite us? Was it their way of getting back at us—at me and Levi—for badmouthing them at the conference last year?

“Eld told me that Titans don’t normally head far north.” His eyes were on me again, and he leaned forward slightly, just enough to rest his elbows on his knees. I flushed at the sudden proximity. “They tend to stay in the southern regions, where Shiganshina used to be.”

“He’s not wrong. Only a few Titans have been spotted this far north, and most of them were Abnormals to begin with. That’s why the Scouts never come up here.”

“Then why would they send us here?”

I wracked my brain for answers. Other than to fight the Titans and look for survivors, why would the royal assembly make us come here to begin with? It didn’t add up—there had to be something I was missing. What else did the Survey Corps do when we weren’t fighting Titans and surveying the area untouched by human hands? What did the government want us to do when we were this far north?

_Naraka._

I bit back a gasp as the word flooded through my mind. As quickly as I could, I threw off my cloak and headed for the empty bed in the corner. My heavy jacket was folded up neatly and placed on the edge; when I dug into the inside pocket, I let out a sigh when my fingers curled around Dad’s journal.

Levi quirked an eyebrow as I sat back on the futon with my back against the window, thumbing through the pages. “What’s that?”

“It’s my father’s old journal. He had it when he was a Scout—I found it in my office when I first moved in.”

He had seen me reading it multiple times, but he never asked what it was. He must have not been that interested in it, and honestly, I couldn’t really blame him. It was plain-looking and tattered, but it was special to me.

As I scanned the pages, I realized his eyes were still on me. _Oh, I should probably explain, or else he’ll just be confused_. I cleared my throat and began to rush through my words, still flipping through the yellowed pages.

“Yesterday, I was doing some research on the northern districts and what we could expect when we got here. In one of the books, my father had written a note on the side—I know it’s his, because it was in his handwriting,” I added when I saw his face flash with doubt. “Anyway, he wrote about Naraka, which is supposedly a place outside the Walls. It’s a myth, but apparently it’s a society that was created by prisoners of Shiganshina. When the prisons got too crowded, the Military Police let the prisoners loose beyond the Walls. In order to escape the Titans, they fled north and created a society of their own. But that was the first time I had ever heard of it; other than his note, it wasn’t in any of the other books. And we definitely didn’t learn about it in school.”

Materials on the outside world were extremely hard to come by, since they had been outlawed decades ago. Still, in some black markets, you could find exotic meats and jewelry that came from the territory beyond Wall Maria. If I had to guess, there was a good chance some of these items were in the Underground City—black markets thrived there, unfortunately. But I didn’t want to bring that up to Levi; I didn’t want to upset him anymore than I already had.

_Damn it, I can’t find anything in here. Come on, Dad, I know you wrote more about it in here—I can feel it. Now I just have to find it._

“Why would he know about that in the first place?” Levi shifted in his spot and leaned over my shoulder, peering at the pages in my hands. “Besides, there aren’t any humans living outside the Walls. The Titans would have killed them all by now.”

“I don’t know how he knew about it, but he did. And what other explanation _is_ there? I know it sounds far-fetched, but…it’s not impossible.”

His silver eyes were cold. “Do you think the men from earlier were from that place?”

My mouth ran dry, but I forced myself to nod. Those three men back there…they hadn’t been refugees from Fuerth District. They hadn’t been citizens of the Walls, like we were. They had been too vile, too dangerous to even be considered citizens. Besides, they were unkempt and out for blood. No citizen, even one that had been attacked by the Titans, could be that despicable.

“…I think so. When they—” I swallowed back the bile that rose up in my throat. Thankfully, Levi remained silent and let me catch my breath. “…When they… _caught_ me, they said…they hadn’t been with a woman in a while.” A shudder ripped through my body at the memory. “And they traveled in a pack. They weren’t normal citizens from Fuerth District, I’m sure of it.”

“Then they were prisoners who decided to raid the houses behind Wall Maria.” His eyes hardened, but they were fixated on the book instead of me. I was grateful for that—he looked rather intimidating at the moment. “Those bastards. They didn’t deserve to be put down like that.” His hands clenched into fists as white as the snow outside. “I should have made them suffer.”

I flinched at the harsh tone that laced his words. I had never heard him sound so fierce—well, apart from the time he had told me about those ruffians jumping Isabel and cutting off one of her pigtails. It wasn’t hard to remember that he had killed people before, if he saw them as monsters. Had those men who had hurt Isabel been the first ones he killed? Or were there others that came before them?

But despite the murderous look in his eye, I didn’t feel scared of him. We had our disagreements, sure, but I knew he would never hurt me. Not like those men back there. _Not like Jax_.

I shook my head and continued flipping through the pages. Finally, about halfway through the journal, I came across a page practically drowned with ink. Numerous notes had been scratched out or written over. The original handwriting was barely legible. And of course, only the word _Naraka_ could be seen in the corner.

“You never make it easy, Dad.” I flipped through the book again, but froze when I saw that the last third was completely blank. The last entry was dated September 12th, in the year 829.

_The same year he lost his legs and had to retire early. He must have kept this journal locked away in his office._

With a huff, I snapped the book shut and leaned against the window. I tried not to focus on Levi, who was still sitting rather close to me on the futon. “I’ll look into it once we get back to base. Besides, I’m sure Hanji will know what it is. We just have to keep it to ourselves until we know for sure that’s where they were from.”

There was no need to get the royal government involved in all of this. At best, they would just turn a blind eye and brush off our concerns. At worst, they could confiscate my Dad’s old journal, and I would never see it again. I couldn’t risk that—it was one of the few pieces I had left to remind me of him. I wasn’t going to let it go, not without a fight.

Levi shook his head before resting his hand on the top of my head. This time, I didn’t fight back the smile that appeared on my face. “Don’t give yourself a headache over it. Get some rest, you need it.”

 _I just woke up_. But I knew it was futile to try to argue with him. I had found this out the hard way. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. You need to sleep, too, especially with that injury.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“No. I’m not falling asleep until you do.”

His eyebrow shot up again; he probably didn’t expect me to be so defiant. But eventually, his lips pulled up in a smirk, and he playfully shoved me back by my forehead. “Alright, you win, brat. But I’m not sleeping on that disgusting bed.”

“Of course, _that’s_ what you’re worried about,” I muttered under my breath. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to hear me. “I’m sure there are a few clean sheets around here somewhere. You don’t have to sleep on those sheets. Besides, I wouldn’t. You kind of bled on them earlier,” I added a bit sheepishly.

“Tch, it’s because you didn’t stitch it up fast enough.”

“Hey, I was doing my best! You’re lucky I even stitched you up in the first place.”

Luckily, through our bickering, we were able to find a clean set of sheets in the bottom drawer of the dresser next to the bed. Although I didn’t think it was a good idea, he insisted on changing the sheets himself (apparently he didn’t trust me enough to do a decent job). While he was busy with that, I grabbed one of the larger pots in the cupboard next to the small table. There wasn’t any food in the house, which didn’t surprise me, but there were plenty of tools to help us survive for the night. With one of my blades in my hand, I made a quick trip outside and filled the pot with some of the freshly-fallen snow. Although we had our separate canteens of water, I knew we would need some more in the morning.

Once the pot was over the fire, and I was certain it wouldn’t evaporate in the flames, I checked on Edel and Mischa. They seemed to be fine, and they were pretty warm, considering the weather outside. They didn’t have any major injuries from the trek earlier, which was a relief. I didn’t want to force either of them to ride tomorrow if they weren’t up to it.

I headed back over to the futon to grab our cloaks. But when I reached for mine, I could see a dark red splotch on the edge of the back. I knew it was blood, but still, it was a little jarring to see it. I didn’t know if it had been mine, Levi’s, or one of the three men the two of us had killed.

My hands began to tremble as the events from earlier began spilling into my mind. I remembered those three dark shadows so clearly, and how they had held me down. I remembered the rush of relief I felt when I saw Levi out of the corner of my eye, ready to protect me. With a whimper, I remembered Reggie’s frightened face as I yelled at him to get out of there and save himself.

What would they have tried to do if they caught Reggie? What would they have done to him? They were prisoners, so I knew they didn’t have any morals left in them. Would they have tried to take advantage of him, as well? Was he just as much at risk of being assaulted by them as I was?

 _Reggie, oh God…_ I sank to my knees on the futon, pressing a hand to the stained glass. _I hope you’re safe. I hope Evan and Gretel are safe, too. I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to you._

Were they worried about me? Were they still with Eld and Gunther? Had they made it back to Commander Erwin and the rest of the Scouts? Or were they lost in this blizzard, too? Or worse—were they dead?

My stomach dropped at the thought of their frostbitten bodies lying in the snow. _No, stop—I can’t think about that now_. But I couldn’t stop the images from pooling into my head.

“Wolf.”

I nearly jumped out of my skin at his voice. Before I knew it, he was right there behind me, with his left hand wrapped around the stitches in his side.

“What’s wrong?”

“Uh, nothing… I’m just thinking…”

He hummed before sitting down on the futon beside me. “About what? You look like you’re about to shit yourself.”

“Gee, thanks.”

But even his dry sense of humor couldn’t make me smile. Those thoughts of Reggie, Gretel, and Evan had morphed into thoughts of Rosalie and Emmett, and the sound of their screams.

_It was snowing on the day I lost them, too._

I swallowed hard as I settled back down on the futon, with my knees pushed up against my chest. With a sigh, Levi sat across from me once again, pulling his left leg up on the cushion and resting his chin on his knee. He was staring at me, but he wasn’t forcing me to speak. He was giving me my own space, like I had done to him earlier.

To be honest, I was thankful he was being so kind to me.

The urge to tell him everything that had been dragging me down for the past two and a half years bubbled at my throat. I didn’t want to burden anyone with the ghosts of my past, but it was all becoming too much for me to handle. I had Hanji, and I told her nearly everything that was bothering me, but she wasn’t here right now. All I had to lean on at the moment was Levi.

“I’m…thinking about my squad… I wonder if they’re okay, out in this storm…”

He stifled a laugh, but he wasn’t mocking me. More like…he was reassuring me. “Don’t worry about them. They’re tough little bastards, all three of them. They’ll be fine. They’re probably already with Erwin by now.”

“Yeah, but…”

_Anything can happen out here. What if something happens and I’m not there to protect them? What if they end up dying because I wasn’t there to make a difference?_

I squeezed my eyes shut. Suddenly, Emmett’s cries sounded too loud to be a memory. Through my fingers, I could still feel Rosalie’s blood dripping down my skin. Before I knew what I was doing, the words were pouring out of my mouth.

“…Did Hanji ever mention my first squad to you?”

He didn’t seem surprised I had asked the question. In fact, he looked like he had been expecting it. His face remained emotionless as he nodded his head slowly. “Once or twice, especially after the conference with the nobles. But she never said too much. She said it was up to you, whether or not you wanted to say anything.”

Even with a heavy heart, I smiled at the mention of my best friend. No matter what we went through together, or how many disagreements we may have had, she was still considerate of my feelings. She never pushed me, and she insisted on keeping her mouth shut about any gossip or rumors revolving around me. It was hard not to love her even more after hearing that.

“Yeah, I’m glad she did that…”

I took one last look at those silver eyes before turning to the window. It was easier to concentrate on the glass and the falling snow outside instead of his features.

“Before I joined Flagon’s squad, I was in charge of my own squad. I had two members of the Ninety-Seventh Training Corps, both fresh out of training. Their names were Rosalie Richards and Emmett Johannsson.”

He probably knew all of this already, thanks to the nobles spilling out my entire life to him and my sister at the conference. But nevertheless, he stayed silent and kept staring at me. I cleared my throat before continuing:

“I had them for about a year. We went on two expeditions together; sometimes we had to sit them out, because Shadis didn’t think we were experienced enough. Either way, we had fun. Rosalie was always laughing—I swear, that girl’s smile was contagious. And Emmett…” I stifled a laugh as I thought of him. “He was always trying to prove to everyone he was the best. We used to have arm wrestling matches. He won most of them, though.”

I was just rambling at this point, but I had to get it off my chest. Maybe then I would be able to fall asleep at night without seeing their faces. Maybe then I could learn to live peacefully with their memories. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so fucking useless when it came to protecting the squad I had right now.

“Then in April, on the twenty-first expedition, we left Shiganshina with Commander Shadis. We were on the left side of the formation, but there weren’t a lot of Titans there that day. So that’s why we were all kind of stunned when an Abnormal came out of nowhere on the far left.”

I squeezed my fingers together. _Keep going, Wolf, you’re almost done._

“Emmett wanted to fight it first. He was always like that. And Rosalie didn’t argue—she wanted to fight as much as he did. And like an idiot, I gave them the order to attack. I was so caught up in the moment that I didn’t stop to think what could happen if we managed to lose.”

I wasn’t trying to make excuses for my behavior. It was my fault they died in the first place. If I had just led them away and out of the Titan’s range of sight, then maybe they would still be alive today. Maybe Emmett would have been able to see his mother again. Maybe Rosalie would have been able to hug her older brother one last time. Maybe their families wouldn’t look at me with such hatred every time I stepped foot into Karanes District. If I had just kept their children alive, maybe they wouldn’t loathe me as much as they did.

“It was too fast for us. It knocked Rosalie right out the air, like she was _nothing_. I went to help her but it grabbed my wire and I hit the ground. Then it caught Emmett and…and stuffed him in its mouth…”

I pressed my forehead to my knees, trying to hold the tears back. I couldn’t stop replaying the scene over and over again in my head. I remembered everything so clearly: Emmett’s skull bursting open like a berry; Rosalie’s stomach bleeding from the rocks she had fallen on; the stench of the Abnormal Titan’s breath fanning over the clearing. I remembered watching helplessly as Emmett disappeared into its ugly maw, with his last words ringing clearly in my ears.

“But it kept coming. It grabbed Rosalie and ate her, too. I wasn’t fast enough to save her. I wasn’t fast enough to save either of them.”

The words spewed out of my mouth uncontrollably. But in a strange sort of way, it was a relief to get three years of silent grieving off my chest. The only one who knew this much about what had gone down that day was Hanji, and even then she didn’t know everything that had happened. She had to beg me to talk to her sometimes, because I just wouldn’t tell her. I didn’t want to burden her with my responsibilities—or my guilt.

“Erwin was the one who ended up killing the Titan. I couldn’t move because my ankle had been busted in the fall. But I should have done something other than just sit there and watch it all happen. But I just… I just couldn’t _move_.”

My voice was laced with venom. I had never felt so disgusted with myself than the day I watched my squad get eaten. Those cadets, only sixteen years old each, had trusted me to protect them and save them from danger. They had trusted me to keep them safe from the Titans. They trusted me to have their back in the field and to lead them to victory.

And I had failed them. Like a coward, I had let them die. Sometimes I caught myself wishing that I had died alongside them that day, just so I wouldn’t feel so useless.

“The royal assembly insisted I should be demoted. Apparently, I was a danger to myself and the rest of the Scouts, so Shadis eventually assigned me to Flagon’s squad. I couldn’t be trusted to lead a squad ever again. I mean, you heard them that day; they were convinced I had gotten them killed on purpose. But I didn’t—I wouldn’t _dream_ of getting any of my comrades killed on purpose. But…I know that they died because of the choice I made.”

If I hadn’t been so stupid, they would still be alive. If I had just taken a second to think things through instead of charging straight into danger, maybe things would be okay by now.

“I can see it, in the other Scouts’ faces. Especially the veterans, like Erwin and Mike and Ness. Every time they look at me, they remember that day. They were all there—they all saw what happened. They all watched me come back with Erwin without those cadets. And now, they all treat me like I’m going to break, like I’m not capable of handling the pain. I mean, even Hanji thinks I’m unstable sometimes. I just know she does.”

None of them would ever admit it out loud, but I knew they were all thinking it. Even if I had been granted the title of _captain_ and had a new squad to command, they still all saw me as Squad Leader Wolf, the leader of Squad 6, Team 11. They all looked at me with distant eyes, like they expected me to have a mental breakdown. I had come close to having one in the weeks following Rosalie and Emmett’s deaths, but I was far from having one right now.

Still, a part of me thought perhaps that they had been right all along. I didn’t show it on the outside, but on the inside, the weight of their deaths was killing me. Some nights I could see them in my nightmares, and I relived that horrific day over and over again. There were one or two nights where I could keep the memories at bay—but then my dreams would be filled with flashes of Reggie, Gretel, and Evan suffering the same fate.

“But that’s not going to happen again.” My voice was a little stronger this time; when I finally met Levi’s eyes again, I was surprised that I didn’t shrink away. “I _won’t_ let it happen again. I’m not the same person I was back then. I’m not going to sit on the sidelines and watch my squad get butchered again.”

Saying the words out loud gave me a sense of power. It was different than the silent promises I had made myself in the dead of night, when everyone else was asleep. Now, as I said it for both myself and my companion to hear, they sounded a bit more real. They weren’t empty words—I meant every single one of them. And saying them out loud brought them to life for me.

“Erwin trusted me enough to give me a new squad, something I didn’t think was possible after losing my first one. Those three cadets are my kids, _my_ responsibility. And I’ll gladly die before I let anything happen to them.”

I meant it, every single bit of it. If saving any of those three meant I would have to die in the process, I was willing to take the risk. They deserved to live as long a life as they could in this cruel, hellish world, and I was determined to make sure that happened. Maybe it was foolish of me to put more meaning on their lives compared to my own, but I didn’t care. At this point, I wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice what was left of my life in order to make sure they could live a little bit longer.

My cheeks began to heat up when I realized Levi was still staring at me. I cleared my throat and glanced out the window again, trying to cool my face on the chilly glass. Maybe I had told him a little too much, now that I thought about it.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered in a sheepish voice, pulling my knees closer to me. “You…you didn’t need to hear all of that.”

But I couldn’t deny it: it felt _good_ to finally have someone to open up to. I hadn’t spoken that much about those two cadets ever since they passed away, and it helped the weight on my chest vanish a bit. It was still there, for the most part, but it was a little more bearable now. Besides, if I was going to spill all my secrets about that day to anyone other than Hanji, I would have chosen to tell Levi.

“It’s fine. You just needed to get that off your chest. I don’t blame you.” He shifted in his spot and inched closer to me. His hand brushed the tops of my knees, and when I shifted my head to look at him, his eyes were already on me. “You feeling any better after that?”

I couldn’t help but smile at his bluntness. “Yeah, a little. I’m sorry if I went overboard. I’m…not usually this forward with people…”

This caused him to scoff, but I could see the ghost of a smile on his face. “I’m surprised. Usually you’re so easy to read, I didn’t think you had any secrets.”

“Oh, shut up. I am _not_.” I shoved him back by his shoulder gently, trying to hold back my blush.

“Yes, you are.”

“No I’m not!”

I appreciated that he was trying his best to cheer me up. Even though I had told him practically everything that had happened that day, it was easier to breathe. Maybe now that it was all out in the open, I wouldn’t feel so guilty about letting them down.

“Whatever.” He flicked my forehead before standing up from his spot on the futon. I didn’t miss the flash of pain that crossed his face as he reached around and felt the stitches in his side. “Come on, it was your idea to rest. Get on with it already.”

“Ugh, you’re so impatient.”

But I took his outstretched hand and allowed him to pull me to my feet. After checking on the horses one last time, I slid my boots off and climbed underneath the fresh sheets. I spread out my heavy cloak and draped it over the sheets, so it covered me from the waist down. I could deal sleeping in my jacket for one night; I would need the extra warmth, anyway.

However, as I settled into the covers, I realized he wasn’t moving. Although my cheeks were burning at this point, I patted the space beside me on the bed.

“We can share it, you know.”

If I didn’t know any better, I would say he was blushing. “No, it’s fine. I’ll take the floor.”

“No, absolutely not. You’re _injured_. I’m not going to make you sleep on that cold, disgusting floor.” _Besides, I’m surprised you want to sleep there, considering how much of a clean freak you are._

He must have realized I wasn’t going to argue with him, because he let out a heavy sigh before sitting down on the edge of the bed. As he unlaced his boots, I laid out his own cloak on top of the sheets on his side. Before I knew it, the two of us were lying side by side, staring up at the ceiling above us.

_Holy shit, he’s really warm. He’s like a furnace! Maybe this wasn’t a good idea to begin with. How am I supposed to sleep with him right next to me? Maybe I should have taken the futon…_

It was tempting not to snuggle up to him right then and there. Even though I had been so open with him a few minutes earlier, we were nowhere close to becoming more than friends—especially when it came to physical intimacy. I didn’t want to scare him off and have him end up sleeping on the floor after all.

But it was pretty cold, even with the fire in the center of the room. And the sheets were pretty thin to begin with…

_Well, I guess it doesn’t hurt to just ask him. Even if he says no, at least I can say I tried._

“…Do you mind if…if we, uh…”

“Spit it out, brat.”

I swallowed hard and clenched my fists together. “Can we snuggle?”

He groaned again, dragging a hand down his face slowly. “You’re such a fucking pain in the ass sometimes.”

“I’m not going to try anything funny, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Although my cheeks were flaring up, I meant every word I said. I would never try to take advantage of him or make him uncomfortable on purpose, not after what he had told me earlier. But there was romance, and then there was trying to stay warm. I wasn’t trying to trick him, I was practically freezing! And to prove my point, my teeth were starting to chatter.

He gave me a long, unamused look before shifting his arm closer to me. “Fine, get over here.”

I made sure not to go anywhere near his right side, in case I accidentally hurt him. Instead, I wormed my way over to his side and pressed the side of my face against his chest. My hand trailed up and rested against his chest; it took everything I had not to yank it back when I felt his heart beating against my palm.

His arm wrapped around my shoulders, his fingers dancing along my upper arm. Already, I could feel my eyes starting to droop. He was just so warm and almost comforting—well, at least his body was. As I took a deep breath, I could smell the faintest traces of pine and peppermint mixed in with his natural musky scent.

“Don’t get used to this, Wolf,” he mumbled against my hair. “I’m not your personal furnace, so don’t get any ideas.”

I hummed in response, barely even paying attention. All I could focus on was his warmth and his rumbling voice—and his lips pressed against the top of my head.

I knew nothing major would change between us after this night was over. We would remain friends, even after snuggling like this. He was still nervous about taking that risk, and even though it hurt to admit it, I could understand his reasoning. No matter what happened between us, I was still thankful to have him as a friend, even if I secretly wanted more. I was able to trust him, and he trusted me, and for now, that was enough to keep me happy.

In just a short while, I had surrendered to sleep’s clutches. And for the first time in years, I was able to sleep peacefully, without fear of whatever nightmares that awaited me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been teasing the Rosalie/Emmett backstory for Mia ever since the first chapter, and I was so excited to finally share it with you guys. It was a pain to write, though; I didn't want to share it as a typical flashback, but it was hard to write it coming from Mia's mouth only. I had to make it believable, since she was reliving some of her trauma. But now she's finally told him, and she feels a little better knowing it's out there. 
> 
> Also, Levi and Mia are finally back to being friends (or whatever they consider each other to be at this point). I don't like dragging on fights between characters for too long, and given their current situation, they can't afford to be at each other's throats. They're going to have to trust each other and work together if they want to get back alive. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think! I'm excited to share the next chapter with you - honestly, I think it's better than this one. I'll see you guys then! :)


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is by far one of my favorite chapters I've ever written for this story. (And it's also the longest, at 12,958 words!) I don't want to spoil anything - I'll explain at the end. I hope you enjoy! :) 
> 
> (And just a disclaimer out of context: no, this chapter was NOT an excuse to write a scene between Mia and Levi involving alcohol. It was just a little bonus that came with it.) ;)
> 
> Another side note: It's a popular theory (I don't know if it's canon or not) that the sun rises in the west and sets in the east in the AoT world, so I just decided to incorporate that into my story. Just wanted to clear up any confusion!

|XXXIII|

Levi ended up shaking me awake at the crack of dawn. Through the stained windows, I could see the sun barely peeking over the horizon. Thankfully, the blizzard had stopped during the night—but we still had quite a few feet of snow to trek through.

It didn’t take long for the two of us to get dressed and saddle our horses. Although he argued against it, I made him sit down on the bed and let me change the bandages around his wound. The last thing I wanted was for it to get infected. Throughout the process, however, he refused to look me in the eyes. And when he did talk to me, his words were brief and clipped.

 _I guess I’m back to square one with him_. But I couldn’t expect much; that’s just how he was. I didn’t expect him to shower me with affection just because we snuggled together for warmth last night.

Despite all of that, I had to admit it still hurt.

Once Edel was saddled and ready to go, I began to fumble with the straps of my ODM gear. The sash of my belt was still torn, and I didn’t trust it enough to support me if I tried using my gear against a Titan. The tiny sewing needles weren’t enough to patch it back together, since they needed a thicker thread than the ones I had in my medical bag. If I wasn’t careful, I could end up taking a misstep and fall right into a Titan’s mouth.

But it wasn’t as though Levi could fight, either. I didn’t want him to strain himself, if he could help it. One wrong stretch and those stitches could break apart, and he would start bleeding again. It would be too much of a hassle to deal with stitching him back up when we were in the middle of nowhere, so we had to take extra precautions.

“I can’t trust my gear,” I said as I adjusted my medical bag on Edel’s saddle, “so if we see a Titan, we’re just going to have to go the other way and avoid it as best we can.”

Levi gave me a sour look. “What’s wrong with your gear?”

“…The belt got torn up. I don’t think it can support me if I try to use the gear. And I’m not willing to test it out.”

“How did it get that way in the first place?”

He snapped his mouth shut when I shot him a glare. He could piece it together well enough. I didn’t want to relive the events of yesterday.

The door of the cabin was frozen shut by the time we were ready to leave. It took a few kicks, but eventually it gave in and burst open. Immediately, the cabin was swamped with an icy breeze strong enough to blow the sheets off the messy bed. Edel and Mischa grunted and shook their heads, but they didn’t protest as the two of us led them out of the small house.

The snow outside brushed against my knees, but it was still soft; we had been spared the usual sheet of ice that formed over the snow during the night. At least the horses wouldn’t have any trouble walking through it. As long as we took it slow, we had nothing to worry about.

I climbed up onto Edel’s back and gathered the reins. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Levi struggling to pull himself up onto Mischa’s back. The black mare was patient, though, even in this cold weather. Levi, on the other hand, was grumbling to himself.

“…Do you need help?”

“I’m fine,” he snapped. With a groan, he managed to climb into the saddle—but his hand flew to his side as soon as he was seated.

“Don’t push yourself. If you need help, I’m here. I don’t want you bleeding out again.”

I couldn’t help the harsh tone my voice had adapted. I knew I was sounding a little rude, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want him to hurt himself just because he was too stubborn to accept any help. I wasn’t in the mood to redo his stitches just because he was a persistent asshole.

The only answer he gave me was a scowl before he pulled his black scarf up and over his nose. I did the same, flipping my hood over my head. When I was sure we were all settled, I urged Edel forward and motioned for Levi to follow. Thankfully, he obliged without so much as a roll of his eyes.

It was tricky, getting Edel to move through the snow. Even though he was quite the powerhouse, I knew he had to take it slow. I didn’t want him breaking an ankle on a particular large lump of snow beneath his hooves. If that happened, I didn’t know what we would do.

The wind was still pretty fierce, but it was a little more bearable, now that we didn’t have the falling snow with it. The sky was a light gray color, and the sun was no more than a white light in the sky. It didn’t give us any warmth, but it was still comforting to see it. Yesterday during the blizzard, I couldn’t see any of it at all.

As Levi rode up to my left side, I motioned up ahead with a nod. All I could see was whiteness. “Our best chance is to head back toward the river, where our squads were. They’re probably not there anymore, but we’ll be fine once we get to that river.”

“Why? What’s so special about it?”

I pulled down my scarf just below my chin and turned to him. “The river flows toward the south, and it cuts through Utopia District right into the rest of Wall Rose. No other river flows north in the Walls. Once we find it, we just follow the current, and we’ll be back in Utopia District in no time.”

 _Then you’ll be able to get that wound checked out for real._ But I wasn’t going to say that part out loud. No need to anger him further.

“And you’re sure there’s only one river out here?” He didn’t look too convinced so far. “Wouldn’t there be more?”

“No, not really.” It was hard to keep my voice even, but I managed. He knew how to push my buttons, even if he wasn’t really trying. “There’s only one river out here. It goes up and into Fuerth District, which is further north, and it doesn’t stop until it’s outside Wall Maria. It only breaks up into separate rivers when it gets down to the northwest part of Wall Sina. For now, we only have to worry about one river.”

He only nodded, but I could see it in his eyes that he was still skeptical about my plan. “How far along is it?”

“Ah, I’m not sure…” I tried to cover my cheeks with the black scarf, so he wouldn’t see my rising blush.

Because of the blizzard yesterday, I had no idea where we were. For all I knew, we could be miles away from the river, in the far eastern areas of Wall Maria. If I squinted hard enough, I could see the faintest outline of a forest up ahead. But that didn’t help us much—there were _tons_ of forests in the territory of Wall Maria.

“So, you mean to tell me that we’re lost?”

My face burned even brighter at his condescending tone. “No, we’re not! Besides, I don’t here _you_ coming up with any ideas on how to get out of here!”

“You know the area better than I do, Wolf,” he muttered with a roll of his eyes. “ _You’re_ the one who supposedly did all that research a few days ago. Put it to use.”

_You fucking prick! I can’t believe I actually wondered if I had feelings for you!_

“Fine, whatever. Just give me a minute, then.” I couldn’t think with him breathing down my neck like a crazed animal, or an annoying little kid. If he wanted me to get us out of here and lead us to safety, I was going to have to concentrate. I couldn’t just snap my fingers and lead us back to Wall Rose in an instant.

I stole a glimpse at the sun, which was barely above the horizon. The sun rose in the west and set in the east, so we had quite a bit of time before it was nightfall. However, we had to be careful; the days were shorter in the north, especially in the winter months. We couldn’t stay in one place for too long if we could help it.

_Let’s see, think back to those books you were reading the other night. There had to have been something in there that mapped out the territory of Wall Maria. Think of any landmarks that stood out: forests with giant trees, lakes, towns, castles, whatever comes to mind! Come on, for God’s sake, the Wolf family came from the northern districts! There **has** to be something I can remember! _

I wondered if looking into my father’s journal would help us at all, but then I decided against it. We didn’t have time to sit and try to look for something that might not even be there to begin with. Besides, Dad hadn’t even visited the northern districts once in his life.

I thought back to the pages I had scanned in the book, just before Evan had interrupted me. I had been reading about the old trail citizens of Utopia District used to take to get to Fuerth District. It was big enough for a horse-drawn carriage to pass through, but in the years before Wall Maria fell, the trail became abandoned, and people opted to travel by boat instead. Sometimes people still traveled along the old path, just for old time’s sake—and since it was only a couple miles east of the river, it was pretty convenient.

My eyes shot open. About four miles east of the path—and six miles east of the river—there had been a site of castle ruins. They weren’t too big, but they were noticeable enough, even with all this snow. In fact, I remembered Dad telling us about it one time before tucking me and my siblings into bed.

_What was it called? Come on, remember the name!_

“Skoll Castle, that’s it!” It was an odd name, but plenty of castle ruins among the Walls had strange names. In fact, in the southwestern part of Wall Rose, another castle had been built years ago, by the name of Utgard Castle. “It should be about six miles east away from the river. When we see it, we’ll know we’re close. And if we’re lucky, we can see the river from the top.”

Of course, I had never seen the castle in person before. I had no reason to, since my family never traveled this far north before. But Dad used to entertain me, Leyna, and Ben with stories of the different castle ruins among the three Walls, and he described it well enough. The main walls were about twelve meters high, and there were four towers protruding from all four sides. From the sketches I had seen in the book I had been reading a couple days ago, there was also a courtyard in the center. Even today, it could serve as a temporary stronghold against the Titans, if we happened to come across any. We would only need to stay there for the night, if there wasn’t enough light in the day for us to make it back to Utopia District.

I nudged Edel in the sides, urging him to pick up the pace. Levi did the same with Mischa, and eventually, the two of us were at a slow and steady pace. Thankfully, the snow didn’t seem to be much of a problem for our horses. As long as we took our time, we wouldn’t run into any trouble.

Of course, that didn’t apply to _every_ problem we could face out here. I didn’t want to think about what we would do if a Titan happened to spot us and chase after us. The snow was still soft, but I didn’t want to chance it and have either Edel or Mischa risk breaking an ankle if they had to run. I didn’t want to push them any more than I already had to.

“How far away from Utopia District is this castle?”

“It’s hard to say—they didn’t specify in the book I was reading. Not too far, I’m guessing, but it might take us longer to get there because of all this snow.”

He nodded and stayed silent after that. I was tempted to talk to him again, just to hear his voice, but I didn’t know what to talk about. Besides, I didn’t want to risk getting him irritated all over again. The last thing I wanted was an angry traveling companion.

_If I remember the stories Dad used to tell us, Skoll Castle is in the middle of a huge valley. Once we get past this forest, I’m sure we’ll see it in the distance. This forest doesn’t look that big to begin with, so we should be fine._

The wind ended up dying down a bit as we continued on our journey. Now, I could feel the faint warm rays of the sun beaming down on me. It wasn’t much, but I was still thankful for it.

With the two of us riding in silence, I let my mind wander back to the events of yesterday. Although the thought of those three men back there still scared me, it was comforting to know they were now dead. Still, I didn’t know what I would do if we happened to come across another group like them at the castle. I didn’t think I could kill another human being, no matter how vile they were, for as long as I lived.

_Were they really prisoners from Naraka? Are there really people living beyond the Walls, far away from the Titans? How long had they been there? Were they really all prisoners from Shiganshina, like Dad had written in his notes? But I’m sure something as serious as releasing prisoners into Titan territory would have raised a few eyebrows. I don’t remember ever hearing anything about that kind of stuff happening. If the Military Police were really doing this, how were they getting away with it? And did it go on until we lost Shiganshina and the rest of Wall Maria to the Titans two years ago?_

I knew the Military Police could be corrupt, despite what my sister told me. They were lazy and incompetent, and they preferred to send other soldiers out to do their fighting. I could see it, even when I was growing up in Ehrmich District, and later Shiganshina. They patrolled the areas of each district, but they never broke up any fights or stopped petty criminals. Whenever they saw the neighborhood bullies try to threaten me and my siblings in Ehrmich, they would simply turn the other cheek and continue on their way. They never felt the need to step in and help us fight them off, so we were on our own most of the time.

In the failed reclamation operation to retake Wall Maria, only soldiers from the Garrison and the Survey Corps had been enlisted to join the civilians. The MPs had been spared completely, to everyone’s frustration. I didn’t want my sister fighting in the battlefield, but still, it was irritating that they couldn’t at least pitch in with the mission.

_But is it really in their nature to send prisoners out beyond the Walls just to get eaten by the Titans? Are there really some MPs out there that would stoop so low? Isn’t that considered a crime in its own right, though?_

And that fact alone prompted another slew of questions. If there really were some soldiers of the Military Police releasing prisoners out of the Walls, did the royal government know? Did the king himself know? If they did, were they aware of Naraka and its existence?

 _Leyna’s probably one of the few people closest to the king. If she heard about something like that, she wouldn’t stay silent about it._ And even if she did know something about it, she would feel the need to tell me, right? I was part of the Survey Corps, after all; it was my job to explore the territory beyond the Walls.

I let out a heavy sigh, feeling my hot breath bathe the black scarf around my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Levi rubbing his hands together. He was doing his best to keep out the chill, but his efforts were in vain. Even in the extra layers of our new winter uniforms, it was still difficult to keep warm. Now that he was injured, it was especially hard for him.

“Cold?”

I expected him to snap at me to leave him alone, but he did no such thing. Instead, he cocked an eyebrow at me and shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t like this weather.”

If I wasn’t worried about getting hit, I would have laughed in his face. The way he said it, in such a pouty voice, reminded me of a child. As I smiled behind my scarf, I wondered if Isabel would have sounded exactly the same.

“It’s not the best. We were lucky—it didn’t snow that much in Shiganshina. Up here, though, it really hits hard. Honestly, I’m kind of glad our family moved from Fuerth to Shiganshina. I would not be able to handle these winters.”

_But maybe if you had stayed up north, you would be closer to Naraka and those prisoners from yesterday—_

Levi tugged his scarf down just below his chin. “Your family used to live up here?”

My face grew warm at his words. _He’s actually interested, huh? I’m surprised—after everything I told him yesterday, I thought he would be sick of hearing my voice_. “Ah, yeah, but that was decades ago. Before even my grandparents were born, I think.”

I reached up and pressed the wolf necklace resting around my throat. Even under the extra layers of clothing, I could still feel its outline against my skin.

“They used to live on the edge of the district, as far north as they could get at the time. They weren’t much different than any other family living up here at the time, but they were still happy. At least, that’s what my dad used to tell me. They used to decorate their homes with edelweiss flowers.”

His eyebrow shot up once more. “What the fuck are those?”

I nearly laughed at his bluntness. “They’re little white flowers that grow up north. There used to be a lot of them near Fuerth District, but I don’t know if they’re still there. They used to pick them and replant them every year. In fact, I named Edel after those flowers.” I leaned down and scratched at his neck, earning a happy snort from him.

He hummed softly, keeping his eyes on mine. It was nice to know that he was actually interested and paying attention to me. I had been worried earlier that I had scared him off with everything I said to him yesterday, about my first squad and that horrible expedition. But even now, after he knew possibly one of my darkest secrets, he still opted to talk to me and learn even more about me.

_I’ll have to make him spill some of his secrets to me later, when we get to the castle. No way am I letting this be a one-sided thing._

“I see. Why did you end up leaving, then? Didn’t you grow up in Shiganshina?”

“Well, yes, but only after we moved from Ehrmich District. The Wolf family moved to Shiganshina, and then my parents lived in Ehrmich for a while, and then we all moved back to Shiganshina. But now that I think about it, I don’t know why they ended up leaving Fuerth. As far as I know, they were pretty happy over there.”

It was a little strange, to be honest. I knew the Wolf family wasn’t exactly favored in the Walls, especially by the noblemen in Wall Sina. We were peasants, after all. We were probably one of the poorest families within Fuerth District, even though it was richer than the southern districts. So it wasn’t a surprise to me that they weren’t well-liked among the citizens.

_But they managed to live like that for years. It never bothered them that other people talked about them behind their backs. They were used to it, so they couldn’t have left over something like that. But then, why did they leave in the first place? What caused them to pack up and head for Shiganshina, to the very southern tip of the Walls?_

I shook my head. I could worry about all of that once we reached the castle. For now, I had to focus and keep moving.

He didn’t ask me any more after that, so the two of us continued on our way. I kept my eyes peeled for any sight of the castle in the distance, with the sound of the snow crunching underneath our horses’ hooves filling the air between us.

|~|

It was around noon when the snow started to fall again. Thankfully, Levi had spotted the castle in the far distance—a soft gray shadow against the white snow. As far as I knew, there weren’t any other castles near Utopia District, so it had to be the one we were looking for. But I knew by the time we reached it, it would be nightfall. We would have to spend the night and continue our journey in the morning.

_Hopefully it’ll have a warm stable where we can keep the horses for the night. I don’t want to keep them in a cramped room again. They deserve better than that._

All the while, Levi and I rode in silence. It was nice to know he was out here with me, even if we weren’t talking to each other. His mere presence was enough to calm me; I didn’t know what I would have done if I had been lost out here alone, with no one but myself and Edel.

_Once we get back to Utopia District, we’ll be able to see Erwin and Hanji and the rest of the Scouts again. I’m almost positive they’ve made it back by now. I hope none of the other Scouts are lost in this weather. What if they came across any Titans? Or worse, what if some of them came across more of those prisoners? What if those three weren’t the only ones up here?_

Was it possible there were even more of them? Could they have taken refuge in the castle—the same one we were planning to go to? I prayed that wasn’t the case. I didn’t want any more confrontations until we were safely behind Wall Rose.

Instead, I let my mind travel back to Hanji. Was she back in Utopia District by now? There was no way she was stranded out here—she was too smart to let that happen to her. Although she was hyperactive and a little crazy sometimes, she had a brilliant mind. She could get herself out of any situation, no matter how dangerous it seemed.

I smiled behind my black scarf as I thought back to our days as cadets together. She hadn’t changed in the slightest, even when we were trainees. Ever since our first meeting as twelve-year-old girls filled with dreams of exploring the world beyond the Walls, she never once lost that spark in her eyes.

|~|

_The snowstorm was starting to pick up. We had been lucky for the last few hours of this little training exercise, but now that night had fallen, it was starting to worsen. I could barely see my teammates through the fat flakes dripping from the black sky._

_“Come on guys, we have to keep moving.” Leyna’s voice rang out fierce and loud above the icy wind. “Just think about all the stuff that’s waiting for us back at camp!”_

_“Of course, she would say that,” I muttered to Hanji, earning a smirk from her. Unfortunately, Ben also heard my comment, and he shot me a disapproving look before picking up speed to join our sister._

_Currently, the 90 th Training Corps was in the middle of a winter exercise in the western part of Wall Maria, just a few miles away from Quinta District, Sara’s home district. Our little squad consisted of six members: myself, Leyna, Ben, Hanji, Blaise, and Sara. We had started this exercise in the afternoon, when the snow had just started. Our goal was to make it up and over the mountain before midnight. However, it was starting to prove difficult, especially with the snow getting worse and worse. We were cold, hungry, and just plain exhausted. All of us wanted to go home at this point. _

_I didn’t know why Duvalier had put the six of us in a group together for this exercise. I didn’t mind working with Hanji—she was my best friend, for crying out loud! And I had no problem at all working with Ben, since he was a good friend to have in these training exercises. And okay, I didn’t really mind his friend Blaise all that much, either._

_It was just Sara and Leyna that got on my nerves._

_True to her nature, my sister appointed herself as the leader of our little squad, and she insisted on walking ahead of everyone else. She was bossy, and she kept snapping orders at us, telling us to move faster or slow down if any of us dared to walk ahead of her. Like always, Sara was at her side, trailing along like a lost puppy. While she didn’t annoy me most of the time, I couldn’t understand why she would choose to spend the majority of her time with Leyna. I was her sister, and even I couldn’t stand her most of the time!_

_“I just want to go back and eat something,” Hanji said, stretching her arms above her head. All six of us were required to wear heavy backpacks with survival supplies stashed inside, but the weight didn’t seem to bother her much. “I’m starving!”_

_“I hear you,” Blaise chuckled, stepping up beside her. “The first thing I’m going to do when we get there is chug a huge cup of hot cocoa.”_

_I wanted to shove him aside, but I didn’t want to risk accidentally hitting Hanji. “Hey, you better not hog it all up!”_

_“No promises, Wolfie.”_

_I smiled at the stupid nickname. Ever since Charlotte had accidentally called me that in the girls’ barracks one night, all the cadets in our class had taken to calling me that. But they only used it with me, and not Leyna and Ben. I guess it was because I was the youngest, so it fit me the best._

_Up ahead, Leyna glanced over her shoulder and shot us a glare. “Can you guys keep quiet and focus? We would be there already if you didn’t waste time chitchatting with each other!”_

_Anger flooded my veins. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel so cold anymore. I returned her glare and picked up speed, so I was walking right behind her. She turned around at the last second, so she didn’t seem to notice._

_Who did she think she was, butting in on our conversation? We were just trying to keep warm and talk to each other! There was no rule that said we had to be silent throughout this exercise. As far as I knew, we were allowed to talk to whoever we wanted, as long as we made it back to our camp by midnight._

_“Oh, so **you** can talk to **your** friends, but we can’t talk to each other?” _

_Ben winced and held up his hands as Leyna turned around to face me. As the two of us glared at each other, Ben did his best to act as a buffer between us._

_“Come on, guys, not right now! We’re almost there—this’ll just hold us up even longer!”_

_Even Sara was starting to look nervous. “He’s right, just drop it. It’s not worth it, girls.”_

_But Leyna and I ignored them. The two of us continued to glare at each other as the snow gathered around us. Four nervous pairs of eyes darted back and forth between us, half-eager and half-terrified to see where this would lead._

|~|

“Hey, are you listening?”

I shook my head and turned to Levi, my face burning with a blush. “Sorry, did you say something? I wasn’t listening.”

“Tch, obviously.” He rolled his eyes and pulled Mischa closer to Edel. Now, his knee was brushing up against my own. “I asked you if we’re almost there. It doesn’t seem like we’re getting any closer.”

 _He’s so impatient, isn’t he?_ “We are, don’t worry. But it’ll be dark by the time we actually get there. I think we’ll have to spend the night before we can follow the river.”

I expected him to leave me alone after that, but he kept his eyes on me. “What are you thinking about?”

 _Why do you want to know?_ But either way, I was glad he was paying attention to me. _Well, what else is he going to focus on until we get to the castle?_ “I was just thinking about this winter exercise I had to do when Hanji and I were cadets. We had to test our survival skills and make it over this small mountain and everything. It wasn’t horrible, but I was glad when it was finally over.”

With a bittersweet smile, I remember how the exercise that day had finally ended. Thankfully, Leyna and I hadn’t torn each other apart too much. Ben and Sara had managed to pull us away from each other and practically drag us down the rest of the mountain. We were still snapping at each other, but once we got back to the camp, all of that seemed to disappear. But I was still annoyed with her until the following morning, when we got back to the training grounds outside of Shiganshina.

“No wonder you’re so calm out here,” he mumbled, shifting in his saddle and facing straight ahead. “You know how to survive.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. I hadn’t thought about it _that_ way… Sure, I knew the area a bit, but I wasn’t an expert out here. Besides, I would be dead by now if he hadn’t saved me yesterday.

“You do, too. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have even made it this far.” _I would probably still be with those men, and who knows what they would have done to me by now._

He only shrugged and kept his eyes on the castle’s outline, but I could see my words had caught him off guard. His shoulders tensed, and his gloved hands gripped Mischa’s reins a little tighter. If I had to guess, he didn’t seem to understand the weight of what he had done for me already.

_Well, no, that’s not true. I’m sure he knows exactly what he’s done for me. He grew up in the Underground City, for God’s sake! He probably saved Isabel and Furlan countless times before they made it up to the surface. And who’s to say he didn’t save more people than just those two?_

Watching him now, I realized just how little I knew about him. Sure, I knew where he came from and a few of his quirks, but I didn’t _really_ know him. Before meeting up with Furlan and Isabel, who had he lived with? Did he have a family—an actual blood-related one? Did he remember them at all? How had he managed to survive down there as a child? Did he ever lose hope that he would ever see the outside world?

_Sometimes it feels like he knows more about me than I know about him. I even told him about Rosalie and Emmett last night, but he’s still reserved around me. How can I change that?_

I swallowed hard and turned back to my horse, guiding him through the snow. For the rest of the trek, I was lost in thought, wondering about the many ways I could get Levi to open up to me.

|~|

The sun was setting in the east by the time we reached the ruins of Skoll Castle. It was larger in person, but it still wasn’t much compared to the castle in Mitras. Perched at the top of a gentle slope, the castle was slightly rugged and a dark gray color. All four towers, one on each corner of the four-sided courtyard, stretched towards the pale sky. Bricks and chunks of stone were gathered around the foot of the castle, and some of the windows in the sides of the towers were broken clean through. Once we entered the huge gate of the courtyard, I was thrilled to see a proper stable in the far left corner.

The two of us dismounted our horses and tied them to the side of the gate at the entrance. Once Edel was taken care of, I slid my two swords out of the sheaths on my thighs. I wasn’t going to chance it anymore. If I saw someone, I would take them down.

I just hoped I wouldn’t have to kill anyone anymore.

With Levi at my side, brandishing his own blades, we made our way through the courtyard and into the stables. While the door was shut tightly, it was still aging properly, like no one had been here recently. The stables were empty, with only a few tools spread out along the floor. In the far corner, a small section was sealed off, and a patch of fresh grass was growing in the exposed sections of the floor. The sight of it made me sigh in relief; at least Mischa and Edel had something to eat for the night.

That only left me and Levi to worry about. We did have our military rations stored in the saddlebags on our horses, but they weren’t enough to tie us over for a few days. I hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday morning, when we set out for Utopia District, and I was certain Levi hadn’t, either. I prayed there would at least be some canned food stored in the back rooms of the castle. While it wasn’t impossible, I doubt this place had been visited by bandits all that often before the fall of Wall Maria.

“It’s good for one night, right?” I asked him as we headed back out to our horses. “I know it’s not perfect, but it beats getting stranded out there in the snow.”

He shrugged his shoulders, shoving the blades back into the boxes on his thighs. “It’ll have to do,” he mumbled, pulling down his scarf. I hid a smile when I saw his nose was bright red. “Doesn’t look like anyone’s been here, but it doesn’t hurt to be cautious.”

When we reached our horses, I untied Edel and pulled my scarf down to kiss his nose. “We’ll be home soon, boy. I know, you don’t like the cold.” He snorted in agreement, swishing his tail against the snow tufts gathered around his legs.

As I pulled his reins over his head, a gust of frosty wind blew past us—and knocked my hood completely off my head. My teeth chattered violently as I struggled to pull it back up. But before I could, Levi reached over and grasped the edge of the hood, pulling it up and over my head. I started to thank him, but my voice all but died in my throat the moment I saw those silvery-blue hues.

_He’s so close right now—by the Walls, what do I do? Wait, he hasn’t let go of the hood yet—he’s still holding it up! What is he doing?!_

Before I could question him, he released the hood and turned toward his own horse. “Come on. The sooner we get them settled, the sooner we can go inside.”

I stood there as he led Mischa inside the stable, completely dumbfounded. He had been _so close_ to me—almost close enough for me to kiss him. Why did he stare at me for so long? Was he waiting for me to kiss him? Did I just blow my only chance of doing that?

No, that wasn’t right. He had told me himself he wasn’t interested in a relationship like that. He wasn’t ready for it at the moment—he didn’t seem to accept the risks that came with it.

_…But did he? He didn’t exactly give you a straight answer, Wolf. He just danced around the question and let you fill in the blanks._

_Ugh, who knows what’s going through that thick skull of his?! He may be my friend, but he sure is frustrating sometimes._

Edel gazed at me with those warm brown eyes, as if he was asking the same questions I was. With a huff, I grabbed his reins and led him into the stable, right behind Levi and Mischa.

It took a while to warm up the stables with a fire, but we managed to do it. Luckily none of the doors or windows had been shattered, so we didn’t have to worry about the horses being exposed to the cold weather outside. After letting them graze for a bit in the patch of grass, we put them in separate stalls side by side, far away from the door. We used the rest of the water from our canteens to fill up their water buckets; we could deal with the melted snow for the night. Besides, once we reached the river, we would be able to take as much as we needed and be able to purify it properly.

The castle had three main stories, not including the extra ones in each tower. For now, Levi and I decided to stick to the first story, so we could make a quick escape if we needed to. However, we made a brief trip up to the top of one of the towers, just so we could see if the river was nearby.

Sure enough, as we peeked out through one of the broken windows in the rugged tower, I could see the dying sun’s rays glimmering on the river in the distance. It was pretty big—wide enough for boats and barges to fit on—and thankfully, it hadn’t been frozen in the blizzard. When I squinted my eyes, I could see the waves crashing into each other as the snow gathered around the banks.

“See? I _told_ you,” I replied with a smirk, crossing my arms over my chest. “And look—the river’s flowing to the left, which means we’re on the east side, since it flows south. If we follow that tomorrow, we should be back in Utopia District by tomorrow night.”

He quirked an eyebrow at me, but I could see the faint trace of a smirk forming on his lips. “You’re resourceful, I’ll give you that. I’m impressed, Wolf. Now all you have to do is lead us back.”

I elbowed him in the side, careful not to hurt his wound. “You just watch me. We’re going home, and I’ll be able to see my cadets again.”

_And I can’t wait to see them again. I have to know if they’re okay._

|~|

We ended up making a small camp in one of the rooms closest to the stables, in case we had to leave during the night for some reason. The windows were intact, and the door still had a few bolts on it. The center of the room was empty, so we wasted no time in building a small fire right there on the floor. There were two cots on either side of the room—they weren’t the cleanest, but they were definitely better than I had expected. Although, the thought of not being able to sleep with Levi for another night gave me an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

_I have to stop thinking about him like that. It’s not going to happen, so don’t lead yourself on like that. You have to get over him eventually, Wolf._

Eventually, the two of us explored the nearby rooms in search of extra food and supplies. There wasn’t much to scavenge, other than a few blankets and some empty food cans. Thankfully, they had been opened a while ago, so there wasn’t any sign of recent activity among the castle. Still, we kept to the first floor only, and we didn’t stray too far from one another. We still kept each other in our line of sight.

Soon, we came across what appeared to be a small kitchen across the hall from our room. Although most of the cupboards were stripped bare, there were still a few pots and kettles stashed on the shelves. We ended up filling these with clean snow from outside and melting them over the small fireplace in our shared room.

As I started to follow Levi out of the kitchen, an oddly-shaped floorboard caught my eye. I told him to wait up for me before making my way to the floorboard. When I got closer, I could see a small bronze rung sticking out of the side. With a huff, I heaved it up, and in a moment, I was starting into a small compartment built into the ground. A few small wooden crates had been stacked on top of one another, and with Levi’s help, we were able to lift a few of them out.

It was hard to wrench them apart, since I didn’t want to get any splinters in my hands. Finally, when I managed to pull the top off, I was met with numerous canned goods, such as fish, meat, and vegetables.

“Well, at least we don’t have to worry about going hungry,” I muttered, holding out a can of herring to him. “I hope you’re not picky.”

He scoffed before heaving himself up, the small crate in his arms. “You’re the one I’m worried about, Wolf.”

As he made his way out of the kitchen, I continued to rummage through the crate. To my surprise, there were a few bottles of wine stacked side by side in the corner. I checked the dates printed on the sides—they were still good for another year. I shrugged my shoulders and left them inside the crate, carrying them in with the rest of the food.

_I think we deserve a little treat. We’ve had a long day, we need to take a break._

I wasn’t a huge wine drinker—in fact, the only alcohol I had ever tasted was some ale the older Scouts had managed to sneak away from the Squad Leaders when I was eighteen. Of course, that didn’t count the little parties we would throw at the end of the year sometimes, but I never had more than a single glass. I didn’t like the taste all that much, and I didn’t really like the way my mind got hazy after more than a few sips. But now, I was desperate to have something different. I was under a lot of stress, being stranded outside of Wall Rose with Levi, in the dead of winter. I was more than willing to try something new, if it would relax me even a little bit.

The night passed on slowly. We ended up splitting our military rations and the canned food we had scavenged in the kitchen. It was hard for me not to eat too much, but I was practically starving. But I couldn’t risk it—who knew if we would have to take some of this food back with us tomorrow?

Levi sat across from me on the floor, with the flames flickering between us. It was surprisingly hot in the room (probably thanks to the stone walls around us), so we took off our jackets and cloaks, using them as cushions to protect us from the cold, dusty floor. The entire time we ate, I kept my eyes on the fire before me.

_I should probably say something to him, but what? I don’t want to seem too pushy, but I want to get to know him better! Besides, he had to listen to me ramble last night, so it’s only fair that he returns the favor._

I almost smacked my forehead when I remembered the bottles of wine in the crate beside me.

_Duh! I’m such an idiot! Maybe I can get him to loosen up **that** way… _

With a smirk, I reached into the crate and dug out one of the bottles. “Look what I found earlier. Want some?”

His forehead creased at the sight of the drink. “Absolutely not.”

“Oh, come on! There’s another bottle, if you want. We don’t have to share the same one—I know how much of a germophobe you are,” I added with a smile.

Of course, I wasn’t going to force him to drink, if he didn’t want to. I didn’t want to put the same kind of pressure on him that Hanji and the other Scouts sometimes put on me during our parties. But once I brandished a second bottle, he finally caved in, and with a heavy sigh, he reached around the fire and held out his hand.

“Give it here, brat.”

Our fingers brushed against each other as I passed the bottle along. As quickly as I could, to ignore the blush blooming on my face, I uncapped my own bottle and held it out to him. He did the same, his silver eyes never leaving my own.

“To the two captains of the Survey Corps, stranded in the middle of nowhere. By tomorrow night, we’ll be safe and sound in Utopia District. Isn’t that right?”

With a smirk, he tapped his bottle against mine with a soft _clink_. “Whatever you say… _Mia_.”

By now, I was absolutely certain the heat on my face wasn’t from the fire between us. With a tight swallow, I brought the bottle close to my chest and away from his arm. When I saw that his eyes were still on me, my heart pounded even faster, and I tipped the end of the bottle toward my mouth, letting the liquid slide down my throat.

_Shit! That burns!_

I coughed and spluttered, pounding my fist against my chest as hard as I could. I wasn’t expecting it to be so painful! Throughout my little episode, I could hear the man across from me chuckling in that deep, nerve-wracking voice of his.

“Someone doesn’t know how to hold their liquor.”

With a final cough into the crease of my elbow, I gave him a harsh glare. “I can handle it just fine, thank you very much! I just…didn’t expect it to taste like that!”

_Besides, you were distracting me! How do you think I’m supposed to act when you’re looking and talking like… **that**?! _

As if he knew my weaknesses, he had altered his appearance for the night. His untied cravat hung loosely around his neck, and the first two buttons of his shirt were unclasped. It was quite the challenge not to let my eyes linger on the skin of his collarbone.

“What did you think it would taste like?” He rolled his eyes before tipping back his own bottle. As he drank, he kept those silver hues glued to me, never breaking his gaze away from me, even after he was done drinking.

_Holy shit, why did I think this was a good idea?! How can he—or any man, for that matter—make drinking alcohol so fucking sexy?!_

My fingers curled around the neck of the bottle so tightly I thought they would snap. As hard as I tried to stop thinking about Levi in that manner, I couldn’t help myself. I always found myself crawling back to that attractive, romantic light I always saw him in.

By the Walls, what did I even see in him? Was it that hair, and those overgrown black bangs? Was it those eyes—the ones I could see flecks of blue in, but only if I got close enough to his face? Was it those muscles I had grazed my fingers against too many times in the past? No, it had to be something other than that. I mean, there was no denying that he was physically attractive, but I wouldn’t fall for someone because of their looks alone. I mean, even with Jax, I had managed to look past his appearance and focus on him as a character.

But if I applied that same logic to Levi, I still didn’t understand why I found him so appealing. He was crude, short-tempered, and frankly a prick most of the time. To an outsider, there wasn’t much to fall in love with.

I sucked in a sharp breath. _Wait, love?! No, I didn’t mean that. He’s just a friend, and even if I see him as more than a friend, I certainly don’t love him like that._

Then again, a lot of people didn’t know him like I did. Or like Hanji, Erwin, Mike, or even Isabel and Furlan did. Sure, he seemed cold and rude to a lot of people who didn’t know him well, like Leyna and her friends in Mitras. But they didn’t see the Levi I saw; they didn’t see how he could possibly be my friend.

They didn’t see the times we spent together in each other’s offices, simply enjoying each other’s company as we filled out paperwork or read our books in silence. They didn’t see all the nights I ended up falling asleep before him, so he had to either tuck me into his own bed or lay a blanket over me on the couch in his office. They didn’t see the way he had protected me from Jax in Mitras, or when he saved me from those three men—

My stomach churned at the memory of the men from yesterday. _By the Walls, did that happen just yesterday? It feels like weeks ago already._

I swallowed thickly and took another swig of my drink. I grimaced at the foul taste, but I kept drinking either way. With everything running through my head at the moment—getting attacked, the memory of Jax, my feelings for Levi—I needed to clear my head properly. And what better way to do that than get a little tipsy?

“If you don’t like it, don’t drink so much.” Levi set his bottle on the ground and peered at me through the orange flames of the fire. “No one’s forcing you to drink it.”

I shook my head once I lowered the bottle. “It’s fine, I _want_ to drink it.” Hopefully he couldn’t tell that I was lying between my teeth. “Besides, shouldn’t you be worried about your own tolerance? You took a pretty big swig earlier.”

_Don’t think about how his throat moved— Wolf, I swear by all three Walls, don’t you dare!_

“Don’t worry about me, kid.” My cheeks grew warmer at the familiar nickname. “I can handle my own. I don’t get drunk.”

I couldn’t hold back the scoff that escaped my lips. “ _Everyone_ gets drunk at one point or another.”

“Not me,” he replied almost cockily. “Never happened, never will. I won’t _let_ it happen.”

“They all say that,” I said, lifting the bottle to my lips again. Although my face was practically brighter than the fire between us, I took a chance and sent him my best flirty smile, complete with a wink. But the moment I did, I felt regret settling in my chest, and I tried to distract myself with another sip of my drink.

What was I doing?! Why was I flirting with him again?! We all knew how that ended up a few days ago, and he pushed me away. Why was I taking that risk again when I knew what could happen? In the blink of an eye, the air between us could turn hostile, and the two of us would end up screaming at each other, just like our last night in the Survey Corps base. I was walking on eggshells at this point, and I couldn’t say the wrong thing to him.

But I couldn’t ignore whatever we had between us. Maybe I was biased because I had feelings for him—even though I didn’t know what they were at the moment—but I knew there was something between us. We were friends, of course, but I didn’t know how long that would last. I didn’t know how long I could hold out without acting on these feelings.

At the same time, though, I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. I didn’t want to pressure him into anything he didn’t want to do. If he didn’t want to be something other than my friend, that would be fine. I couldn’t force him to do anything he didn’t want to do—I _wouldn’t_ do such a thing. My experience with Jax taught me too much about pressuring others, and I didn’t want to put that on Levi.

_Ugh, this is just too much. I need to get my mind off of this._

“So,” I started, clearing my throat, “I’m waiting.”

His eyebrow shot up. “For what?”

“Well, I figured I told you a story last night, so you owe me a story tonight. It’s only fair.”

“You _chose_ to tell me all of that, Wolf. That was all _you_.” I stuck out my bottom lip at his words, which only made him roll his eyes. “Don’t pout, kid. You know how much I hate pouting.”

“No. Tell me a story. It can be about anything you want—I’m not picky.”

“No, you’re _annoying_. I’m not doing it.”

“Come on, _please_?”

“I said no. Now quit pouting, brat.”

“ _Make_ me.”

My eyes nearly popped out of my skull when my own words sank into my ears. The bottle trembled in my hand as those silver orbs burned into me, with only the orange flames separating our gazes.

_Shit, shit, shit, why did I just say that?! I didn’t mean to sound that… **seductive**! Oh fuck, why is he looking at me like that? Did I accidently go too far? No, he doesn’t look angry… But he couldn’t have enjoyed that little slip up, right?! Shit, I wish he would stop looking at me like that! Oh God, I can’t feel my face anymore…_

“Fine.” I nearly squeaked as he lifted the bottle and took another drink. “You want a story? I’ll tell you one. Which one do you want to hear?”

It took me a moment to gather myself and respond. When I did, I couldn’t do anything to hide the blush on my face. “N-nothing in p-particular… Whatever y-you feel like t-talking about.”

“Well, what do you want to know? I haven’t got all night, you know.”

I wracked my brain for an answer. He was a very private man, so I couldn’t ask anything too intrusive. I had to make sure he was comfortable, or else he would close himself off from me completely. I didn’t like it, but that’s how he was.

“What about… Oh, I’ve got it.” _I hope he doesn’t find this too annoying to answer._ “How did you meet Isabel and Furlan in the first place?”

He didn’t look mad that I had asked him that. Instead, he looked a little surprised. “Why do you always want to hear about them?”

“It’s just…” I fumbled with the cork of the bottle in my hands, tossing it back and forth between my palms. “Well, I didn’t know them as well as you… And when you talk about them, it makes me feel like know them a little better than I actually do.”

It wasn’t a lie. Whenever Levi spoke about his deceased friends, I saw a beautiful sparkle in his eyes. Although his face remained stoic and expressionless, I could see that he enjoyed talking about the times they shared together. It had been that way ever since I had first asked him about them, after one of our nightly training sessions in the empty mess hall. He didn’t like to advertise it, but he really did enjoy reflecting on his friends and what they used to have. In a way, it reminded me of how I acted when it came to my brother, who had passed away nearly two years ago.

Thankfully, he didn’t ask me anything after that. He simply shrugged and replied, “Well, if that’s what you want.”

He took another small sip from his wine bottle before turning back to me. The flames continued to flicker between us, small orange and yellow sparks jumping out into the air. I was tempted to scoot around the fire and closer to his side, but I was already pushing my luck. I didn’t want to scare him and chase him off again, like I had before.

“I was on my own for a few years…maybe until I was sixteen. It all blends together after a while.” I nodded and silently urged him to continue. “Furlan was the first one I met. He wanted me to join his gang of criminals, but I refused. I didn’t want anyone hanging over me at the time. So he ended up sending them after me, to test my strength.”

My jaw dropped. “Wait, he did _what_?! They could have killed you!” I didn’t expect someone like Furlan to be able to do such a thing! He was sweet and genuine, and the thought of him trying to hurt someone else didn’t sit well with me.

_Well, they all grew up in the Underground, Wolf. What did you expect?_

“You think I don’t know that?” he answered with a scoff. “But they weren’t much trouble. Didn’t really put up a challenge.”

My mouth ran dry. “You didn’t…kill them, right?”

The look he gave me was colder than the breeze outside. “I don’t kill people without a reason, brat. What do you take me for, anyway?”

Guilt washed over me immediately. I bit my lip and continued to play around with the cork from the bottle, diverting my eyes from his. “Sorry… I didn’t mean it.”

Thankfully, he didn’t seem too angry. He merely sighed and leaned back on his palms, tilting away from the fireplace. “No, I didn’t kill them.” His voice was softer, but his eyes were still sharp. “I only knocked them out. It didn’t take too long, they were all talk, anyway.”

I nodded, my face still burning with shame. I felt bad, assuming he was a cold-blooded killer, but I couldn’t shake the memory of him telling me he had killed people in the past. Not to mention, he managed to kill two of the men that had attacked me yesterday and had seriously wounded the third. I knew he was capable of killing, and it was hard for me to look past that. But if he hadn’t killed them, who knew where I would be right now?

“Eventually, Furlan asked me if he could join _me_ , instead.” He scoffed lightly at the memory, and I smiled when I saw his eyes light up ever so slightly. “He was relentless about it, too. He may have not looked like it, but he was a stubborn bastard. In the end, I didn’t really have a choice, so I let him tag along. But he was a quick learner, and he did the job well. He knew how to negotiate, too. It came in handy when we had to decide on the prices for our missions.”

I could only wonder what those “missions” consisted of, but I didn’t want to ask him about it tonight. I didn’t want to upset him again. “And…what about Isabel? I remember she told me a while ago that you…you ended up taking her in when she was little. Is that true?”

He shifted his gaze to mine across the fire, and I could see the ghost of a smile on his face. It was faint, but it was still there. “Little brat never knew when to keep her mouth shut. Huh…reminds me of _someone I know_.”

The tips of my ears burned as his smile melted into a smirk. “Sorry, but I can’t help it sometimes!”

“Yeah, that’s what she always said, too.”

He shifted in his spot, so his legs were crossed over each other. As he began to speak again, his voice took on a somber tone. I leaned closer to the fire, trying to catch a glimpse of those silver eyes between the sparks.

“I found her when I was out alone on a mission, about a year after I met Furlan. At the time, she must have been eight or nine. She was a scrawny kid, all filthy and shit. Hadn’t eaten in days. Her parents were nothing but corpses, rotting next to her right there on the street.”

I shuddered at the image. A nine-year-old Isabel, forced to watch her own parents rotting into the ground as she practically starved to death? Just the thought alone brought tears to my eyes. She had smiled so sweetly whenever we talked, and her green eyes had been so vibrant and bright. It was hard to picture her on the brink of death, especially when she was so happy and outgoing when I first met her.

“I didn’t want to see her die, so I ended up taking her home. Furlan didn’t mind—sure, it was an extra mouth to feed, but it also meant an extra set of hands for odd jobs. She learned quickly, too, even if she was a bit of an airhead sometimes.”

I took another drink from my bottle and pulled my knees up to my chest. It was nice to see him talking about his two best friends so openly. There had been a time when simply mentioning them had set him off, but now he was much better at remembering the past with a smile. Now, he didn’t wallow away in guilt and sadness, and he let their memories strengthen him instead of weakening him.

“They sounded like great friends,” I said after a moment of silence.

He rolled his eyes playfully. “They were both pains in my ass, but they had their moments.” He didn’t say anymore, but I could tell what he was about to say out loud: _I miss them_. And honestly, I didn’t blame him one bit.

“Okay, but that was when you were, what, sixteen? What about when you were a kid? Do you have any memories of your childhood, _before_ you met them?”

I knew I sounded greedy, but I wanted to know as much as I could about him. I was practically an open book (either that or a really shitty liar), so it was easy for people to assume my history. I had a couple secrets, but they were few and far between. I couldn’t say the same about Levi—the man was practically a walking enigma! I was determined to know as much about him as he knew about me.

He shrugged, and for the first time all night, he focused on the fire instead of me. I didn’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed. “Not really. It wasn’t…ideal.”

 _What’s that supposed to mean?_ “That’s okay, I won’t judge. You must remember something about it, though. Where did you live? What did you do in your free time? What about your parents? You remember them, right?”

His silver eyes still stared at the fire. “Barely. It was a long time ago.”

“Oh, come on! You have to give me more than that.” But he remained silent, his attention lost in the fire.

It was only when I saw his white fists clenched tightly in his lap that I thought I was probably pushing the boundaries. Maybe he _didn’t_ want to tell me about his childhood. Maybe that part of his life was too personal to share with anyone. Or maybe, he simply didn’t feel like telling me at the moment.

“…If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. I won’t force you.”

With a sigh, I kicked my legs out and took another sip from the bottle. My mind was getting a little fuzzy at this point, but I could still speak in coherent sentences. Besides, I had no plans for getting blackout drunk tonight, not when we still had to travel to Utopia District in the morning. I couldn’t do that to myself or Levi.

I stared at the bottle in my hand before tipping it back for another gulp. As weird as it was to admit it, the taste was starting to grow on me. Sure, it still burned my throat, but I was getting used to it.

“My mother raised me. I never knew my father.”

I froze, the tip of the bottle still pressed against my mouth. As slowly as I could, I lowered it and turned back to Levi, who was still gazing into the flames. His hands were no longer squeezed into fists, so I took it as a sign of improvement. Still, I waited for him to speak again, scared to even breathe.

“She worked in a brothel in the Underground, since we couldn’t afford anything else. It was such a disgusting place, always crowded and full of different people.”

I nearly dropped the bottle altogether. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I must have misheard him or something—or maybe he was just playing a trick on me.

_He grew up in a brothel?! Where his **mother** worked?! That wasn’t a place for a child to be at all! Oh God, does that mean his mother was a prostitute?! _

I wasn’t that sheltered that I didn’t know what a brothel was. A lot of them had been outlawed within the Walls decades ago, but there plenty of them still in operation in the Underground City. Given my history with guys, I couldn’t even imagine working in one of them. Sure, maybe there were some girls who didn’t mind the work, but I knew there were countless others that only did it to survive. I prayed with all my heart that Levi’s mother, whoever she was, had taken precautions to protect her son from such a foul environment.

Silently, I thanked the three Walls and any gods above that Isabel had been taken in by Levi and Furlan when she had been, so she didn’t have to suffer the same fate.

 _Maybe Levi didn’t want that to happen to her in the first place, and that’s part of the reason he took her in._ It was certainly plausible, but I didn’t want to outright ask him about it.

“You…” I swallowed the fresh wave of tears back. “You…grew up in a _brothel_?” I probably sounded judgmental, but I couldn’t help it. I was still in shock.

He hummed and gave the tiniest nod of his head. I watched him as he reached out and took the bottle from its spot on the floor. He took a lengthy sip before setting it back down. He still refused to look me in the eye.

“She did her best to shield me from it all.” My hands were trembling as I clung on to every single word he spoke. “She really did. But I could still tell what was going on. There were so many men…so many of them in our room. In and out, a different one each day. She ended up putting me in the closet whenever they came over. I could still hear the sounds though.”

I didn’t want to hear any more of this. I wanted this all to be a nightmare. There was no way he had endured all of that, especially from such a young age. I prayed that he had a normal childhood, even in the hell that was the Underground City.

But deep down, I knew he was telling the truth. And if it sickened me to think about it, I couldn’t imagine how he felt, having to actually experience all of that. I couldn’t imagine being forced to live in a crowded brothel with a slew of other women, who were visited by tens, possibly hundreds of different men each day. I couldn’t imagine being locked in a closet while my mother did everything she could to make sure I survived to see the next day.

It wasn’t until then that I realized I had it pretty damn good as a kid. Sure, we were poor and disliked among plenty of families, but that was certainly better than what Levi’s situation had been. I would have gladly preferred my parents to be hated by the townsfolk, if the other option meant my father being absent and my mother working as a prostitute.

I watched him as he squeezed his eyes shut. I knew he was done talking for the night. I didn’t want to force him to tell me anything else, especially if he had no desire to.

_By the Walls, he looks so depressed right now—and more than usual. I should do something, at least. I mean, I **had** to be the one to push him for information about his childhood, and look where that got us! _

I moved slowly as I stood up and walked around the fireplace, leaving the half-empty bottle of wine on the floor. When I made it to his side, I dropped to my knees and wrapped my arms around him, with his left shoulder pressing against my chest. He stiffened at the sudden hug, but he didn’t try to pull away from me.

Instead, he scoffed and turned his head toward me. “What are you doing?”

My cheeks were a fresh scarlet shade by now. What _was_ I doing? “It’s just, well…” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “It’s okay, now. You don’t have to think about it anymore, if you don’t want to. I’m sorry I ever brought it up.”

I couldn’t see it, but if I had to guess, he was probably rolling his eyes right now. “I can’t just forget about it, kid.”

I knew he couldn’t. I didn’t think _anyone_ could forget about something like that, especially if it was all they knew from the day they had been born. As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t erase his memory and make him forget about everything he had seen in that horrid place. I couldn’t travel to the past and spare him from such a terrible childhood.

But I could help him through it in the present. It was in my nature to help others when they were in pain, and I was determined to help him in any way I could.

“You don’t have to,” I mumbled against his shoulder. “But you don’t have to go through it alone, either.”

He let out a breathless laugh. Before I knew it, he was rubbing the top of my head and pushing me away as gently as he could. “It’s a little late for that, but I appreciate you trying to help me.”

I was on the brink of tears at this point. I didn’t want him to push me aside. I wanted him to accept me and let me help him in any way he saw fit. I didn’t want him to suffer anymore. He had helped me through my darkest moments, so why couldn’t I help him?

I reached up and grasped his wrist with a trembling hand. The blue flecks in his eyes shone with a deep sadness even I didn’t know how to heal. But I was willing to try, if it meant I would help him.

“Don’t push me away.”

I didn’t imagine he would start crying and fall right into my arms. Neither of those things happened. But at the same time, I also didn’t expect him to look so utterly hopeless and lost. He took a deep breath before lowering his head down to my chest, his face right above my heart. As he stayed there, I stroked his back and ran my fingers along the scruff of his undercut.

It was a struggle to stay calm. Maybe except for last night, I had never been this close to him before. It was terrifying, but at the same time, I knew I couldn’t move. I was here for him, and I was going to stay, whether he liked it or not.

As gently as I could, I shifted my knees and crossed them in front of me. Levi seemed to get the hint, because he maneuvered himself so his head was resting in my lap, with his eyes facing mine. As I continued to play with the thick black strands of his hair, I saw his eyes begin to close.

For a moment, he was vulnerable. He was showing this rare side of himself to me, even if it was only for a brief moment. He trusted me enough to see him in such a state, despite everything we had put each other through.

I continued to stroke his hair, allowing my mind to wander. The position we were currently in reminded me of the many times Ma had let me, Ben, and Leyna rest in her lap on a lazy winter day. The three of us would be tuckered out from playing in the snow, and once we were all dried off and warm, the four of us would snuggle under Ma’s brown quilt her mother had made her years before. As my brother and sister dozed off beside me, I forced myself to stay awake, just so I could hear my mother humming softly above us.

Before I knew it, I was humming the same tune she used to sing to us. Even after all these years, it still came to me. It didn’t have any lyrics, but the melody was often associated with the Survey Corps. When my father was a Scout, he would hear a few of the citizens of Shiganshina District humming it to their children. After having children of their own, my mother insisted she use the lullaby to lure us to sleep. But now that I was a Scout myself, the little song held a deeper meaning to me.

I gazed back down to his face, and my voice caught in my throat. He was smiling—and it wasn’t just a trace, either. He wasn’t smirking or anything like that. He was actually smiling softly, with his eyes closed gently.

Captain Levi was _smiling_. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

“You should smile more often.” Before I could stop myself, the words had flown past my lips. His silver eyes opened at once, and his eyebrow cocked up in confusion. With the blush on my cheeks worsening by the second, I sheepishly added, “You have a nice smile.”

He didn’t answer, which was fine by me. Instead, he closed his eyes again and assumed his previous position on my lap; however, this time, I could see a faint dusting of pink on his face.

With a victorious smile, I leaned back on the floor and continued to hum, my fingers never leaving his hair. Eventually, I felt my eyelids begin to droop, and the soft sound of his breathing lulled me to a dreamless sleep.

|~|

When I awoke in the middle of the night, I felt an unfamiliar weight on my chest. I opened my eyes just a bit—enough to see Levi’s arm stretched along my upper torso. I glanced over to my right side, and sure enough, the black-haired Scout was laying on his left side, his arm slung over me. He was fast asleep, his breaths coming out in little puffs. His heavy cloak had been placed over the two of us, and our jackets had been folded up and placed underneath our heads.

 _He must have woken up just to do this. And he didn’t think to move us to either of the cots, huh? He wanted to stay on the floor with me, even though it’s incredibly dirty._ The thought warmed my heart and brought a smile to my face.

With a sigh, I carefully shifted onto my right side, so I was chest-to-chest with the man next to me. I kept his arm over me, and with his stitched-up wound in mind, I slid my arm underneath his shoulder and around his back. I snuggled into the crook of his neck, breathing in the familiar scent of pine and peppermint.

“Goodnight, Levi,” I murmured against his skin. He didn’t answer me, but his arm did tighten around my back. Smiling softly, I drifted off back to sleep, with the gentle embers of the dying fire casting over us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knew I couldn't use Utgard Castle for the main setting of this chapter, because it's at the opposite end of Wall Rose, so I decided to make my own. Skoll Castle's name comes from Norse mythology (similar to Utgard's), and while I don't have a backstory for it yet, it definitely will pop up in another installment (maybe the third volume). 
> 
> I absolutely loved writing for Mia and Levi in this chapter - and it's because Levi finally opens up to her a bit that it's one of my favorite chapters to date. It's been over 30 chapters (nearly 3 years for them), and they're finally trusting each other enough to share their pasts. Although Levi won't share too much of his past at once - he still keeps his guard up around her. But at least now he trusts her enough to tell her bits and pieces. (I don't think he'll mention Kenny by name until they meet up with him in Season 3, but he will tell her about him in the near future - I think. I'm still planning it out in my head; I don't want to move too fast for him.) 
> 
> Also, I don't know about you guys, but I think I've reached my peak with the amount of sexual tension between them. It's somewhat painful at this point, but it makes sense for both of their characters. I don't think things will get heated until at least Ch. 40... I'm aiming to have another smut tease chapter (like with Ch. 26), but I'm hoping we'll be able to move into some full-on smut in Ch. 46. On one hand, I want to take my time with them and have them go slowly...and on the other hand, I want them to relieve that tension so badly. Unfortunately, they're just not there yet. (I'm really taking this whole slow-burn genre to a new level, and I hate myself for it.) 
> 
> On another note, what did you guys think of the Season 4 trailer?! The animation style will have to grow on me, but I plan on going into it with an open mind. I'm just praying it does the story justice and doesn't take the Game of Thrones season 8 route. I don't think I can take another disappointing ending. But I'm very excited for it, and I can't wait for fall to come! (Also, it's because of the new trailer that I got inspired to overcome my writer's block and finish Ch. 36, and now I'm working on Ch. 37. Thank you, AoT Season 4!) Let me know what you guys think, and I'll see you soon for the next chapter! :)


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's read this story so far! I really don't have much to say for this chapter, except that it was a little tough to write. You'll see why soon. It's a little shorter than the last few, but I didn't want to put too much in it. Either way, I hope you enjoy! :)

|XXXIV|

This time, I woke up on my own. It was still dark outside, but I could see the sunrise in the far distance. The snow was still falling, but it was gentler than it had been for the past couple days. I was still lying on the cold floor of the room, wrapped up in both the heavy Survey Corps cloak and Levi’s arms.

My eyes snapped open. _Shit, is he still asleep? Or is he awake already? I hope he doesn’t mind that we fell asleep like this…_

I stayed there in his arms, as motionless as I could. I was nervous that even the slightest twitch would wake him up, and he would pull away the moment he saw the position we were in. I wanted to stay here for as long as I could, nestled in those muscular arms. It made me blush to think about it, but feeling his arms around me gave me a strange sense of comfort and relief. Besides, he was incredibly warm—I couldn’t let this opportunity go to waste.

With my hand resting around his shoulder, I busied myself counting the black strands of hair that hung over his eyes. My eyes traveled over to his cheeks, then his nose, and finally his lips. It was tempting to lean over and kiss them, just to see how they would feel against my own, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I wasn’t going to take advantage of him like that; besides, it would be better if he was awake when it happened.

I bit my lip harshly at the thought. What was I even _saying_?! I couldn’t even look at the man without blushing like a lovesick schoolgirl—how could I be thinking about kissing him? Besides, he had made it crystal clear that he wasn’t looking for anything romantic from me. How could I put him through that and betray his trust, especially after seeing such a vulnerable side of him last night?

But I knew I couldn’t stay like this forever. I knew I was only going to get hurt in the end, but I couldn’t stop myself from wanting him. I didn’t know how far I wanted to go with him, but I definitely knew that I wanted to be more than just his friend and fellow soldier. Perhaps the world _girlfriend_ was too juvenile and not meaningful enough, but _lover_ held so much weight it almost scared me. I didn’t know what I wanted from him, and that frustrated me to no end.

It was much easier when we barely knew each other, and I was just trying to get by as his squadmate. Back when Isabel and Furlan were still around, and Flagon, Daisy, and Sairam were with us, everything was much simpler.

“Are you done staring yet, Wolf?”

I jolted in his arms, my face heating up as I saw his lips pull up into a smirk. His eyes opened slowly, and his arms wrapped even tighter around me. I stared at him with wide amber eyes, all the moisture in my mouth evaporating on the spot. I was close to him—so close that I could see the beautiful blue shade in his eyes.

_How long has he been awake? Was he even sleeping, or was he just messing with me? Did he know I was watching him for the past few minutes?!_

“…I wasn’t staring,” I muttered, drifting my gaze down to our joined arms. But the more his smirk grew, the brighter my cheeks burned. I was terrible at lying—he knew it, I knew it, we all knew it. I couldn’t hide anything from him at this point.

“Yes, you were.”

He shifted on his side, wincing slightly as his joints popped. I held back a whimper as he released me from his arms. However, I couldn’t complain that much—he was sitting up now, stretching out his back. I could see his muscles rippling underneath the gray shirt he wore, and I was practically salivating at the sight.

_By the Walls, I need to get a grip. Let it go, Wolf. It’s never going to happen, so stop dreaming and get real._

Even though the floor was cold, I didn’t want to get up just yet. Instead, I snuggled deeper into the heavy cloak draped over the two of us, breathing in his familiar scent. When he was finished stretching, he gazed back at me with those gorgeous silver hues.

“You were holding me all night.” There was no mistaking the smug tone of his voice—or the smirk on his face.

My face bloomed with a scarlet shade once more. “Sorry, but you’re warm. I can’t help it.”

“It wasn’t even that cold last night. The fire was lit the entire time.”

“S-shut up! I get cold easily!”

“Obviously.”

Fury flooded through my veins, and before I knew it, I was sitting up and glaring at him. I didn’t have to take this from him so early in the morning—not when the sun wasn’t even up yet. But apparently, my anger had no effect on him. He just continued to stare at me with that same annoying smirk.

“I didn’t hear you complain once.” _If he wants to play that game, we’ll play it. There’s no way I’m going to sit here and let him walk all over me._

“Your shitty hair kept blocking my mouth and getting in my way. You wouldn’t have heard me either way, through your snores.”

My nails dug into my palms. “Well, if you didn’t like it, you could have just pushed me away. I would have dealt with it.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” he replied, like he was practically reading my mind. “Then I would have had to listen to you complain the whole night.”

Ugh! He had to have an answer for everything, didn’t he?! Sometimes I hated the fact he was so smug and seemingly all-knowing, even though it could be a major turn-on. But right now, I was anything but excited—I was pissed, and he knew it.

“Just shut up!”

With a huff, I threw the cloak off of me and stood up. Then, just out of spite, I ripped it off of his lap and threw it at him. He caught it with ease, cocking an eyebrow as his smirk grew wider. The sight only made me angrier, so I turned around and headed for the door on the other side of the room. I needed to check up on the horses, anyway.

As I slammed the door behind me, I groaned and held my head in my hands. He was so frustrating sometimes, and I didn’t know how to deal with him. He had once told me that I was too easy to rile up, but he was at fault for _getting_ me all riled up in the first place! I wouldn’t even be this angry and confused if he didn’t push my buttons every single day.

_Admit it, Wolf. You like the teasing. You’d be heartbroken if he ever stopped it. So why are you complaining so much? Might as well enjoy it while it lasts._

I hated to admit it, but the voice in the back of my mind was right. I would never let him find out about it, but I found a secret thrill in all the things he said to me, even if they did poke fun at me. I liked the way he smirked at me, how he addressed me by just my surname, and the bored, unimpressed tone he always spoke in. Whenever he teased me, I felt special, in a weird sort of way. It was probably unhealthy at this point, but I looked forward to it sometimes. And even though he made me angry ninety percent of the time, I would always find some kind of pleasure in it.

_Oh, don’t get your hopes up. He probably does that with everyone. Besides, he told you he’s not interested in you in a romantic sense, so why are you even getting all excited? He probably doesn’t even do it on purpose at this point._

I could feel my blood boiling as I made my way to the small stable. That’s right—he _had_ made it clear he wasn’t in the mood for a relationship. He may have said that I mattered to him, but that didn’t automatically equate to him seeing me as a possible girlfriend—or lover—for him in the future. It hurt, but that’s what he probably thought of me. He didn’t see me as a romantic partner, and if he did, I was certain he would have let me know by now.

_But what about the incident in my office, when he gave me that love bite? That’s not something friends do to each other. And he even said he was glad I enjoyed it, so wouldn’t that be considered a hint?_

And then I remembered what had happened in his office a few days ago, when I had tried to do the same to him. I didn’t want a repeat of that argument. I didn’t want to lose him—not now, not ever.

I pushed the door open and peeked inside. Edel’s silvery head shot up at the creaky sound, and Mischa’s tail swished when she saw me in the doorway. I walked over to their stalls and gave them each a pat on their snouts. It was still a little warm in here, even though the fire had gone out a few hours ago, at least. It must have been those stone walls—nothing could get through them.

“We’re heading home today, sweetheart,” I whispered against Edel’s long nose. He hummed and bumped himself against my cheek, snorting when I let out a chuckle. “Yeah, I bet you two can’t wait to be back at the base.” I reached over and pressed a kiss to Mischa’s forehead, and she grunted softly at the motion. “We’ll be heading out soon, I hope. I just have to make sure _you-know-who’s_ stitches are still clean.”

I wasn’t in the mood to see Levi shirtless again, but I had no choice. I didn’t want his wound to get infected, and I wanted to make sure the stitches were settling in properly. We didn’t need another problem out here before we made it back to Utopia District.

When I made sure their water troughs were still reasonably full, I headed back to the room we shared. I rubbed my temples gently, trying to prep myself for checking the wound on my companion’s side. If I was lucky, it would be healing up nicely, and this would be a quick and easy process. The worst case scenario would be the wound had gotten infected, and I would have to redress everything from the beginning. But from what I could tell, he didn’t have a fever either last night or this morning, so the chances of infection were low.

Still, I didn’t want to jinx myself.

He was already up and moving around by the time I got back to our room, filling our canteens with the water we had purified overnight. Before he could turn to his attire, however, I grabbed my medical bag from the corner and motioned to him.

“Take off your shirt.”

I mentally kicked myself the moment the words spewed from my mouth. _Shit, that didn’t come out right. I didn’t mean to sound that desperate!_

“I-I mean—”

His eyebrow shot up. “A little demanding today, aren’t you?”

“Oh, shut up,” I grumbled, feeling a blush form on my face. “I have to check your stitches, that’s all. Don’t get too excited,” I added under my breath, clutching my medical bag tighter.

He didn’t object as he took a seat on one of the cots in the corner. As I placed the bag next to him on the bed and started rummaging around for fresh bandages, he began taking off his shirt. He grimaced at the faint dust stains on the back of the fabric and did his best to rub them out.

I couldn’t help but smile at his feeble attempts. Even when we were miles away from the rest of humanity, stranded outside the Walls in the snow, his obsession with cleanliness knew no bounds.

When he was finished, I rolled up my sleeves and busied myself with the bandages around his waist. As gently as I could, I started unwrapping them and inspecting the stitches underneath. The skin was still red and a little irritated, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. He would definitely need to see one of the doctors in Utopia District, though. Resources were limited out here, especially when I wasn’t one hundred percent certified, and I would feel better once he got some professional medical help.

“Does it hurt much?” I poured a few drops of water onto the corner of the rag and dabbed the reddened skin gently. I didn’t want to get the stitches too wet, but I had to clean the wound nonetheless. “Does it feel better than it did a few days ago?”

“It’s fine,” he answered in a low voice. “Just stings a bit when I stretch.”

I wanted to trust his judgement, but I also knew he tended to downplay the seriousness of his injuries in order to keep working. He was like me, to an extent. But even I had to draw the line somewhere.

“Still, I want you to see a proper doctor once we’re in Utopia District. They may be able to redo these stitches and do a better job of it than I can.”

At this, his eyes slanted at me. “I thought you were confident in your skills, Wolf.”

“I am,” I said, my voice hard. _Don’t you **dare** test me, you bastard._ “I’m just saying they do it more often than I do, so they know what to look for.” He continued to glare at me, and I huffed in annoyance. “I’m not arguing with you, Levi. You’re going to see a doctor, whether you like it or not. I don’t care if I have to _drag_ you there—you’re going, end of story.”

He scoffed and turned his head away. For someone who always complained when I pouted, he didn’t seem to have a problem doing it himself. _And he has the nerve to call **me** a kid? Don’t make me laugh. _

Once his wound was clean and dry, I began wrapping the fresh bandages around his waist. An uncomfortable silence settled over the two of us, eating away at the back of my mind as I worked. I didn’t want to fight with him about something like this, but I was determined to stand my ground. He needed to see a proper doctor, and that was the end of it. I wasn’t going to let his wound get infected because he was too stubborn to seek professional help.

As I finished tying the bandages up, I let my eyes wander up his chest and over to his right shoulder. My mouth ran dry when they landed on the scar that stretched from the top of his neck and disappeared down the back of his shoulder. Now that I was up close and personal with him, I was able to get a good look at it.

It was a jagged white line that curved around the right side of his neck before dipping down to his shoulder. It looked like a knife wound that never really healed properly, judging by the pink skin surrounding it. It was thick—definitely thicker than the scar on the left side of my face—which made me wonder just how large the blade had been. Overall, it was a nasty scar, and it felt like it was glaring down at me. I could only imagine what sort of evil person would give it to him in the first place.

But despite all of that, it was still a part of him. Just like the multiple scars that littered my own body, each and every one of his told a different story, a different trial he had been forced to overcome. Although they were unpleasant to look at, because of the obvious pain they had brought upon him at some point, they were far from being ugly.

Before I could stop myself, I reached over and brushed my fingers over the jagged line. He sucked in a sharp breath at my touch, but he didn’t pull away. Still, I kept my guard up. I didn’t want a repeat of what had happened in his office a few nights ago.

I did my best to keep my hands from trembling; I didn’t make any sudden movements, in fear I would scare him off. I stood up slowly, my fingers still pressed against his skin. I could feel his eyes on me at this point, but I was too scared to meet them. I didn’t know what I would do if I did.

_I guess I can consider this progress? He’s not pushing me away, so that’s a good sign. But how long will this last? How long will it be before he decides he’s had enough?_

With a tight swallow, I ran my finger up and down the scar, from the top of his neck all the way down to the back of his shoulder. All the while he continued to stare at me, with his hands fisting into the sheets below.

“Who gave this to you?” Even as the words left my mouth, I didn’t expect him to give me a straight answer. It was a personal question, asking him about the scars on his body. If he really wanted me to know, he would tell me in his own time.

His breaths came out in warm puffs, hitting the space above my collarbone. He was struggling to remain calm, to not push me away. It was hard for him, but he was trusting me with his vulnerable side again, just as he did the night before. It was touching, but at the same time, it was terrifying. He was at my mercy right now, with his guard completely down. I had never seen him look so uneasy, and yet so content. He enjoyed the feeling of my hands on his body, but at the same time, he wasn’t used to not being in control.

“I won’t hurt you. You don’t have to be scared of me.”

I echoed his words from that fateful night in the forest so easily, the memory fresh in my mind. I had pushed him away out of panic when he tried to kiss me, and he had reassured me that I had nothing to worry about when it came to him. I hoped I would be able to pass the same message along to him, especially when he looked so broken right now.

With my heart lodged in my throat, I finally turned and met his silvery gaze. His hands slid up my thighs before curling around my waist lightly. Although his hands were gentle, my skin flared up wherever he touched me. I bit my lip before turning back to the scar on his neck.

I couldn’t look him in the eye—not when we were this close. I just couldn’t do it.

“It was an enemy.” His voice was so soft and tender I thought I’d imagined it. “A long time ago. Furlan, Isabel and I got caught up in some kind of turf war between two other gangs in the Underground. They were brutal, all of them—threatened to kill us more than once.”

I traced the scar over and over again, stretching out my other hand to rest on his left shoulder. Although it scared me that he trusted me enough to be this open about his earlier years in the Underground, it also gave me a sense of excitement. How many people could say they had managed to get the infamous Captain Levi to share some of his past with them?

“He ended up disappearing after doing this.” He tilted his neck toward me, brandishing the jagged white line. “I still don’t know what happened to him. To be honest, I couldn’t care less, as long as he’s in the Underground.”

I didn’t bother asking him for the name of this so-called enemy. I knew I wouldn’t be getting any more information out of him today. Besides, I didn’t want to push him. He would tell me in his own time—I couldn’t rush him.

By now, I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest. His hands were still resting on my waist, his face hovering over my throat. My teeth sank into my bottom lip once more as my eyes drifted back over to the scar.

We were so close to each other, so vulnerable. Once we returned to Utopia District, I would probably never get another chance to be this close to him. I had to enjoy it while it lasted, I had to take advantage of the warmth he gave me. When we made it back to base, we would resume our usual positions as captains of our own elite squads, only seeing each other when our paperwork and duties allowed us to.

I prayed with all my heart he wouldn’t push me away when this was all over and done with. I didn’t want to be cast aside and treated as an average Scout. If these past few days meant anything—if holding him in my arms at this very moment meant anything at all—I hoped he would allow me to help him as best as I could. He had demons, some I could see and some I couldn’t, and he couldn’t handle them on his own forever. I wanted to stay by his side and help him through his darkest days—if he would have me, of course.

Before I could dwell on it further, I leaned down and placed my lips on the side of his neck, against the white scar. His muscles tightened under my mouth, but he stayed put, never making a move to shove me off. I kept my movements slow as I left a trail of kisses down the path of his scar. Eventually, my eyes began to close, and I silently savored the taste of his skin.

_Be careful, Wolf. He might get scared like last time and push you away. Take it slow, and the moment he starts getting uncomfortable, back off. You don’t want to lose him again._

But he made no move to shove me away from him. Instead, he leaned his head back, giving me better access to his neck. I kissed the scar once again, making my way back to his throat. When I finally reached his collarbone, he hummed softly.

“What are you doing to me, Wolf?”

_To be honest, I have no idea._

At this point, the blush on my face was almost too much to handle. Every inch of my body was burning up—especially my waist, where his hands still lingered. Suddenly, his grip tightened around my torso, and he brought me down into his lap. My knees were pressed into the cot on either side of him, his muscular thighs underneath me. Our chests were pushed together, with my head still nestled in the crook of his neck. I smiled against his skin as his hands ghosted over my lower back, holding me close to him.

When I was satisfied, I pulled away from his neck and let my hands wander to his bare shoulders. He was looking down in his lap—or rather, at me _in_ his lap—with a faint dusting of pink on his cheeks. Seeing him so flustered gave me the boost of confidence I needed to tilt his head up with my thumb and forefinger. Those silvery pools gazed back at me, filled with so many emotions at once: sadness, confusion, enjoyment—and a glimmer of something I couldn’t recognize.

“You know I’m here for you, right?” I kept my voice quiet, as if I was talking to a terrified animal. For all I knew, he could bolt away at any minute. I couldn’t let that happen—not until I made him understand. “Last night wasn’t a fluke. I meant every single word. If you ever need someone to listen or talk to you, I’m always available. Please, I don’t want you to be scared of me. I won’t _ever_ hurt you.”

My hands had found their way around his face, and our noses barely brushed against each other. I wanted to lean in so badly, to kiss him fully and feel his chapped lips against mine. I wanted to twist my fingers in those messy black locks of his and pull him even closer to me. I wanted to hold him in my arms and whisper sweet promises into his ear—promises I meant from the bottom of my heart.

But I couldn’t risk it. I didn’t want to ruin whatever progress we had made with each other so far. I couldn’t push him into something he didn’t want. I had to take my time and be patient with him, to move things as slowly as possible. And I knew he would do the same to me if the roles were reversed.

“You don’t have to force yourself to deal with all of this on your own. You don’t _have_ to face it alone. I’m here, and I don’t plan on leaving any time soon. I don’t want you to push me away.”

At this point, I was sure I was rambling. But I didn’t care—I had to make him understand. I had to let him know what was swimming around in my head whenever I saw that sorrowful expression on his face. I had to let him know I was here for him.

I ran my fingers through his hair and along the scruff of his undercut. His chest was warm against mine, rising and falling with each tense breath. When the heat of his silver eyes became too much for me to bear, I reached up and brushed his overgrown bangs away from his forehead. In the spot where they parted, just above his right eyebrow, I touched my lips to his skin in a gentle kiss.

_Where the hell is all this confidence coming from? Why am I so brave all of a sudden? I’m never like this with anyone, much less Levi, of all people. Usually I can’t even string a sentence together when I’m around him._

And then it hit me. Back at home, comforting people was my forte. Whether it was Ma, Dad, or either of my siblings, I always wanted to help them through their misery. I would crawl into what remained of my father’s lap and snuggle into the crook of his neck, and for a brief moment, he would forget all about not being able to move like he used to. When my mother remembered her deceased older brother, or her parents who had passed away not two years after I was born, I would wrap my arms around her waist and rub her back as best I could.

On the rare occasions when Ben would cry because of the bullies that preyed on us in Ehrmich District, I would hug him close to my chest and rock him back and forth. I did the same to Leyna, whenever she thought no one could see her tears. Although she didn’t like it as much as Ben did, she learned to tolerate it, and eventually she grew used to feeling my arms around her.

Comforting people and being their rock was in my blood. No matter who I was dealing with, I was determined to get them to open up and share their thoughts with me. It was my goal to see them through whatever they were currently dealing with, no matter how brutal and depressing it was.

And from that, a burst of confidence must have formed, allowing me to do the same with the man in my arms.

A glimmer of light hit my eyelids. When I peeked out the window, I nearly groaned at the sight of the sun rising in the west. _Not yet. Please, let me have more time with him. I don’t want to leave him just yet._

It was selfish, but I didn’t know if I would ever get the chance to hold him like this again. I didn’t know how things would play out between us when we reunited with the rest of the Scouts back at the base. How would we treat each other? Would we remain as friends, or would he see me as something more? Was there a chance he felt the same way about me as I felt about him?

But then I thought of my three cadets, hopefully behind Wall Rose at this point, waiting for their captain to return. I thought of Levi’s squad, and the rest of the soldiers in the Survey Corps. I thought of Hanji and Commander Erwin, and Leyna, Emil, and Sara back in Mitras. They were all waiting for us back at home, and we couldn’t just stay here and pretend like they didn’t exist.

We had our separate duties to fulfill, no matter how taxing they were. Eventually, we had to return to our daily lives, despite whatever feelings we held for one another.

“We should head out soon.” My chest tightened at this words, but I couldn’t deny the truth they held. The sooner we set out along the river, the sooner we would be in Utopia.

“Y-you’re right…”

All of that confidence from earlier seemed to vanish on the spot. With one last brush of my fingers over the back of his neck, I eased myself up and off of his lap. Maybe it was just my imagination, but it felt as though he didn’t want to let me go just yet. He took his time removing his hands from my body, and when he finally did, his silver eyes were hollow and filled with longing.

_No, stop it. You’re imagining things again, Wolf. You’re seeing what you want to see._

With an awkward cough, I started to pack my supplies back into my medical bag. Meanwhile, Levi stood up from the cot and began redressing himself. My face burned the entire time—especially when I saw him staring at me out of the corner of my eye.

_Holy crap, this is the worst! Should I not have been that direct with him? Did he not like it as much as I did?_

_No, that can’t be it. If he really didn’t like it, he would have pushed you away. And he didn’t, right? So that means he wasn’t as bothered by it as last time._

_Still…he doesn’t have to be so distant all the time. Can’t he just come out and say something to me, just so I don’t have to risk hyperventilating every time we get close to each other?_

I fought back the urge to groan as I slipped my jacket over my shoulders. He was a difficult man to deal with—I knew that from the moment I met him. But we were past that stage by now, and at the very least, we were friends. Surely he could act a little differently around me and not keep himself closed off from me, right?

_He has a strange way of showing his emotions, Wolf. Remember, he did tell you about his past a little bit. He probably does care, but he’s not used to showing it all that much._

As I buckled the straps of my gear onto my body, I shook my head slightly. I could only hope the little voice in the back of my mind knew what she was talking about.

|~|

Once we were all set and ready, the two of us tacked up our horses and headed out into the courtyard of the castle. The snow was still falling in light flurries, settling into Edel’s dark mane. When I glanced over at Levi, I could see tiny white dots sprinkled throughout his black tresses. I almost smiled, but then I remembered how his hair felt between my fingers just a few moments ago, and I looked away hurriedly.

The two of us never spoke a word, even when we started for the river. I was terrified I had pushed him away, but at the same time, I knew I had to give him space. I couldn’t crowd around him and force him to talk to me.

_He can at least say something, though. This silence is killing me! I have to know if he’s okay!_

Whatever. He would talk to me when he was ready. I couldn’t do anything else but wait.

Eventually, we came to the side of the river. The water was dark and choppy, with the waves flowing to the left. _That points to the south—and Utopia District_ , I thought with a tight smile. _We should be there by nightfall._

“Now, all we have to do is follow the river until we get to Utopia. We just have to take it slow, for the horses’ sake.” The snow had thinned out considerably, since we were downhill, but I didn’t want to take any chances. A broken ankle for either Edel or Mischa could be a death sentence out here, and I didn’t want to deal with that. I was absolutely certain my companion didn’t, either.

Levi didn’t say anything—he only nodded his head, his gray eyes cold and distant. An icy claw ranked through my chest at the look on his face. As we started walking once again, I was worried I ruined our friendship for good this time.

_Oh, stop it, Wolf. You can’t beat yourself up over this forever, you know. He’ll talk when he’s ready. You can’t push him just because you’re impatient. You wouldn’t want him to do that to you, right?_

But it was still nerve-wracking! If he didn’t like what I had done to him early this morning, surely he would have spoken up, right? He would have told me to cut it out, like he did that night in his office a few days ago. But instead, he kept his mouth shut, and I had no way of knowing what he really thought of the situation.

An hour passed, at least, and we still moved in silence. By now, my gloved hands were holding Edel’s reins so tightly I thought they would burst. The only sounds I could hear were the crashing waves of the nearby river and the pounding of my own blood in my ears.

_I have to do something. It’s eating me alive. I have to know if he’s okay._

Thankfully, I didn’t need to break the silence—he did it for me. But he froze in his saddle, his head jerking up to the left. His shoulders were tense, and he kept Mischa’s reins short.

“Wolf.”

I brought Edel to a halt, following his lead. “What is it?” _At least he’s speaking again. But what’s bothering him? Does he hear something?_

My stomach plummeted to the ground as my answer came into view. Four Titans—a ten-meter class, a nine-meter class and two twelve-meter classes—lumbered towards us. The group kicked up snow as they came closer, their mouths pulled up into sickening smiles. A bigger tuft of snow sprayed up into the air, and when I squinted my eyes, I could see a fifth Titan, possibly a seven- or eight-meter Abnormal, running in the front on all fours. Its wild black hair and gleaming green eyes reminded me too much of the one that had butchered Flagon’s squad—and Isabel and Furlan.

_Shit, no! Not when we’re this close!_

“Move your ass, Wolf!”

Levi’s sharp voice was enough to startle both horses, so it wasn’t hard to get them to start running. Sweat slicked off my forehead as I urged Edel to move faster, his hooves pounding against the snowy ground. I didn’t want to push him, but I also didn’t want to get eaten.

_We’re in open land right now, there’s nowhere to engage ODM gear! The next forest is at least a few miles east, and I don’t know what’s up north. Besides, I don’t trust my gear enough to hold me up for long. The belt is still broken, and it might snap when I’m in the air! But we can’t outrun them all—there’s too many! But Levi can’t fight without tearing those stitches. Fuck, we’re screwed!_

“Mia, look at me!”

He must have seen the absolute terror on my face, because when I met his eyes, his face was confident and determined. It amazed me how he could keep control over his emotions, even in the face of death.

“Get a hold of yourself! You’re going to be fine! Use your head!”

Although his words were harsh, they snapped me out of my horrified state. What was I doing? I had faced off against more Titans than this before, and I never let my panic get the best of me. I just had to move quickly, before they had a chance to grab at me. And if Levi managed to rip the stitches keeping his wound together, I would just redo them before we got into Utopia District. Together, we could handle these Titans.

I shook my head and retrieved both of my blades from the sheaths on my thighs. Gripping them in my gloved hands, I gave him a nod.

“Okay, okay. What’s the plan?”

He slid his own blades out and held them at his sides. “It’s risky, but we don’t have much of a choice. We split up, get some distance between us. If we do this right, we’ll each have to deal with two Titans.” Before I could object, he pulled out the flare gun from the pouch on Mischa’s saddle and cocked it. “I’ll draw the Abnormal away from you.”

There were so many flaws in his plan, but what choice _did_ we have? We couldn’t take the time to think of a foolproof strategy for taking on these monsters—we didn’t have the time to begin with. Engaging a group of Titans like that all at once would only get the two of us torn apart in the end. The best we could do is split them up and deal with them on our own. But we couldn’t stray too far away from each other, if one of us needed a little extra help.

“Fine. But be careful and don’t wander off too far. Once you’re done, shoot a flare and I’ll come find you. When I’m done, I’ll do the same.” My throat tightened as I gazed into those gray eyes. “And come back to me.”

I didn’t want to think of a worst case scenario. The words _Levi_ and _death_ didn’t belong in the same sentence. I couldn’t see someone with his skill level dying a meaningless death, stranded in the snow with no one to help him. He was capable enough to take on all of them—maybe even at once—and he would breeze through this without a second thought.

But I had said the same about plenty of other skilled soldiers in the past, and one way or another, they all ended up sliding down a Titan’s throat.

His face softened slightly. “I’ll come back to you Mia, I promise. Now go!”

He jerked Mischa to the left and stormed off through the snow, shooting off a red flare from the gun. Thankfully, three Titans followed him, including the crawling Abnormal. I glanced over my shoulder at the remaining two monsters; the ones left were the nine-meter Titan and one of the twelve-meter classes.

I dug my heels into Edel’s sides a little harder. I couldn’t engage ODM gear safely from flat ground, and I didn’t trust my gear enough to use one of the Titans themselves to give me the boost I needed. If I kept going down the river, I was sure I would find at least a tree or a hill to latch onto. Then I could worry about killing them for good.

_I’ll come back to you Mia, I promise._

With a tight swallow, I chose to believe him. I believed his words, his skills, and all the promises he ever made to me. I just hoped with all my heart he would stay true to his word.

I could hear the Titans gaining speed behind me. Edel was getting nervous—I could tell by the way he kept twitching his head. He wasn’t afraid of the Titans, and he never bolted away from them out of fear, but he was far from being comfortable around them. My fingers tightened around the handles of my blades as we continued down the river. Hopefully I would be able to dispose of them soon enough.

Eventually, I could see a line of dark specks straight ahead into the distance. My heart soared as I realized it was a small forest, with the pine trees tall enough to use to gain leverage over the Titans behind me. I pressed the heels of my boots into Edel’s haunches again, barely containing the smile on my face.

“Almost there, buddy! Keep it up!”

When we were close enough, I hoisted myself up in his saddle and leaned on his neck. I prayed my gear would hold together just enough to get me up to a high point in one of the trees. With a deep breath, I shot out my wires and flew up to the branches above.

Thankfully, my gear stayed fastened around my body, with the occasional shift from the belt around my waist. Once I was on the branch, which was roughly fifteen meters from the ground below, I gazed at the approaching Titans. Edel was at the foot of the tree, but I didn’t need to worry about him. I knew they wouldn’t hurt him, as long as they had their eyes on me.

I couldn’t linger for too long, or else they would corner me in the tree, and I didn’t want that to happen. I shot one of my wires out to the next tree branch on my right and jumped down. Then, with an extra burst of gas, I dug my wires into the nape of the twelve-meter Titan and surged forward. I flipped the blade in my right hand backwards, just how Levi had taught me years ago.

With the extra momentum, I was able to spin with ease, and before I knew it, I had sliced through the Titan’s nape like it was made of butter. Then, without wasting another second, I moved onto the nine-meter one, doing the same thing.

The nine-meter Titan went down with ease, crashing into the snow. The twelve-meter one, however, was a little harder. Although its nape was steaming, and it was hunching over in obvious pain, it didn’t look like the cut was that deep. Before it could turn around and see me again, I used my wires and gave myself a boost up to its neck.

I latched the hooks of my wires into the flesh of the Titan’s nape, planting my feet against its neck. With a groan, I lodged my blades into the untouched skin and tore out the rest of its nape, a chunk of pale flesh joining the spray of blood.

The Titan fell face first into the snow, its wound already steaming. I knew it wouldn’t get back up again, so I recalled my wires and shoved my blades back into the boxes on my thighs. I gave a soft whistle, and Edel came running up. He didn’t appear to be limping, which was a good sign. I gave him a pat on his snout and climbed up onto his back.

But before we headed out, I fished the flare gun out of the pouch on the right side of his saddle. I clipped a green canister on the edge and fired it into the air. Hopefully, Levi was close enough to see it.

But I couldn’t linger in this forest for too long. I had to stay close to the river, so we could meet up with each other again. I eased Edel forward and started heading back to the river, with the dark gray waves still crashing over each other.

I glanced around for any other flare—but the only one in sight was my own. Surely he could have taken out those Titans already, right? But then I remembered his injury, and I let myself relax.

A minute turned into two, and two turned into ten. Still no flare signal. Edel was getting restless—he didn’t like standing around in the cold for too long. He kept pawing at the snow with a black hoof, waiting for his buddy Mischa to return.

 _Where is he? Is he okay? Does he need help? He couldn’t have gone far, right? I told him to stay close_.

At this point, I had had enough. I gathered my reins and squeezed my legs around Edel’s sides. The two of us headed off in the direction Levi had gone, keeping our eyes peeled for any approaching Titans.

I wanted to call out to him, but I didn’t want to attract any more Titans with the sound of my voice. Instead, I kept firing off signal flares, hoping to leave a trail for him to follow. Still, I received no answer, no matter how far we went.

_Where are you?! Damn it, I knew this was a bad idea! I told you to stay close to me, you bastard! You never listen, do you?!_

I was getting desperate. The further we strayed from the river, the faster my heart pounded against my rib cage. I couldn’t even see Mischa’s hoofprints in the snow—they had been covered with the larger ones of the Titans. Any trace of them had been completely wiped out.

“Levi?” I called out in a soft voice. I didn’t want to scream, but it was getting harder for me to hold back. I wanted to make sure he was safe—I had to make sure he was okay. If something had happened to him, I would never forgive myself.

Still no answer.

Eventually, I could see a cloud of steam rising up into the air. I breathed out a sigh of relief and directed Edel towards it. That had to be at least one of the Titans that followed him, and if he managed to kill it, he was probably close by.

But when we got closer to the cloud, I couldn’t ignore the feeling of dread rising in my chest. Something about this didn’t seem right, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Somehow, I felt like I was walking right into a trap.

_You’re being superstitious again, Wolf. I thought you learned your lesson—_

I pulled Edel to a screeching halt, earning a surprised whinny from him. My jaw trembled at the sight before me, but I couldn’t rip my eyes away from it. Every inch of my body felt like I had just been submerged in the icy water of the river behind me.

The steaming corpse of the Abnormal Titan rested on the ground, with all four of its limbs splayed out. Its black hair was tousled, and its terrifying eyes were shut tightly. Blood had sprinkled onto the snow, but it was evaporating on the spot. I was used to that sight, so it didn’t catch me off guard. However, I couldn’t say the same for the piece of fabric that hung limply from its teeth.

Levi’s dark green cloak was crumpled, and the Wings of Freedom pattern embroidered on the back was nearly torn in two. Dark red blood dripped down from the edges of the black and white wings, pooling in the snow below.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's be honest, we ALL know Levi is alive at this point...but Mia has no idea. Prepare for more angst in the next couple chapters...
> 
> I was nervous as hell to write *that* scene between Levi and Mia. They're slowly getting more comfortable with each other (emotionally and physically), but I kept worrying I was pushing a barrier between them. I don't want them to move too fast, but I don't want them to get too touchy-feely with each other just yet. I'm eager to know what you guys think about it - I just hope Levi is still in character. (*cough* But who can say no to admiring the scars and muscles on a man's body - especially when it's Levi? Mia is a lucky girl...*cough*) 
> 
> I may need to take a hiatus in the near future, after I've posted the next couple chapters. I need the inspiration to hit before I can write a few plot points in the story, and I don't want to just half-ass it, if you know what I mean. I hate writing something and not thinking I haven't put effort into it. But hopefully it'll hit soon, and I'll be more focused on this story. (I've been re-watching Season 1 for reference, so that's helping a little bit.) But either way, I'm eager to hear your opinions! I should be posting the next chapter later this week, so stay tuned! Thanks for reading! :)


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have much to say about this chapter, except for prepare yourselves for angst--and lots of it. Apparently I like writing Mia's character when she's either angry or upset... (I don't know what that says about me though.) I hope you enjoy! :)

|XXXV|

I couldn’t stop staring at the cloak, torn to shreds in the dead Titan’s mouth. My mouth hung open helplessly, and my fingers released the reins completely. I barely even registered Edel’s concerned whinny as he swung his head around to look at me.

No, this couldn’t have happened. There had to be some mistake. Levi wasn’t dead—people like him didn’t die! He had to be around here somewhere, right? He was just playing tricks on me. I was going to turn around, and I would see him riding with Mischa toward me, kicking up snow in his wake. He was going to be fine.

But no matter how many directions I swung my head in, I couldn’t spot him. There was absolutely no sign of either him or the beautiful black mare that accompanied him. It was just me and Edel, and the burning carcass of the Titan before us.

_No, please no, this has to be a dream. He’s not dead, he’s not! He promised he’d come back for me! He has to be out there somewhere!_

“LEVI!”

I didn’t care if I attracted any more unwanted beasts at this point. I had to know where he was. I refused to believe he was dead and rotting in a Titan’s stomach. _I refused_.

The icy wind was my only answer. Hot tears pricked my eyes as I urged Edel forward again, swinging my head wildly in an attempt to catch any sight of him at all. But no matter how hard I tried, or how far we moved away from the river, I couldn’t spot him.

 _Please, don’t go_. I choked back a sob as my eyes fell on the bloodied cloak trapped between the Titan’s jaws. _I’m not ready to say goodbye to anyone else_.

My face burned as the cold wind caressed the tear traces on my cheeks. I bit my tongue so hard I could taste blood, hoping the pain would somehow snap me out of this damned nightmare. I hoped with all my heart that I would wake up back in the remains of Skoll Castle, still nestled in Levi’s arms.

_You can’t be dead. You promised me. You fucking bastard, you **promised** me! You said you would come back, so where are you?! _

I sucked in a shaky breath as I climbed off of Edel’s back. I yanked out one of my blades and held it out as I made my way over to the Titan’s head. Its nape had been sliced out, so I knew it wouldn’t jump out and attack me. However, I couldn’t say the same for any other Titans that may be lurking around.

_What happened to the other two? Did they get to him? Why can I only see this one? Did he take it out before they caught up to him? Did one of them eat him whole?_

My stomach churned at the thought. I didn’t want to imagine Levi trapped in a Titan’s stomach, drenched in his own blood and guts. But at the same time, it was the only thing I _could_ think of.

_You promised._

I jammed the blade in between the Titan’s teeth and jerked it upward. The rows of teeth came apart, allowing me to slip my hand underneath and swipe the cloak away. I didn’t want to rip it even further—it was the last piece of him that I had.

_You son of a bitch, you promised me._

I held the cloak up to my face, breathing in the last traces of Levi’s scent. Pine and peppermint washed over my nose, and with another sob, I remembered how warm and musky his chest had been when I snuggled against it the other night, when we were all alone in the abandoned cabin. God, had it already been a couple days ago? It already felt like a lifetime ago.

_You promised!_

I screamed so loud Edel nearly reared up on his hind legs. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I sank to my knees in the snow, pressing the cloak against my face. I wailed and sobbed into the bloodied fabric, squeezing my eyes as tightly as I could. I kept grappling at the cloak, searching for any hint of warmth Levi might have left behind. But I came up with nothing.

“You said you’d come back,” I mumbled, as if by some magic or stroke of luck, my words would bring him to my side. “You promised me. You fucking dumbass, you _promised_ me!”

My throat was raw at this point, with all the screaming and crying I was doing. But I couldn’t care less. I would endure all the pain in the world if it meant bringing Levi back to me.

_Where did you go? You have to be here somewhere—you can’t just leave me! Don’t leave me like Ma and Dad did—like Ben did. Like Flagon and Sairam and Daisy did, like Rosalie and Emmett did! Don’t leave me like Isabel and Furlan, you’re the last piece of them I have. If you’re gone, then…_

By now, a good portion of the cloak was drenched in my tears and mucus. Although it hurt to think about, I couldn’t help but imagine Levi scoffing at the mess I had made before yanking it out of my arms to clean it. The thought only made me cry harder.

“Don’t leave.” My voice was softer now that my vocal cords were on the verge of snapping. I buried my face deeper into the dark green fabric, feeling the rough material scrape against my face. It reminded me so much of his military jacket, and all the times I would snuggle into his shoulder. “I’m not ready to say goodbye. Please, you can’t leave me…”

But sorrowful words wouldn’t bring him back. They didn’t bring back my parents, or my brother, or either of my two squads. So why would they do anything to help Levi?

A soft weight touched the side of my shoulder. Sniffling heavily, I gazed up and met Edel’s warm brown eyes. As slowly as I could, so I wouldn’t accidentally spook him again, I stumbled to my feet and wrapped my arms around his neck. He always knew when I was upset, and he knew the best way to comfort me. He rested his head against my back, letting out soft breaths against my cloak. Levi’s torn cloak hung from my arms, still dripping with his blood.

I knew I couldn’t stay out here for too long. Worst case scenario, the two Titans that chased after Levi could come after me, if he hadn’t been able to kill them in time, and I knew I didn’t have the strength to deal with them. I wasn’t in the right state of mind, and I would be caught and devoured easily. Besides, I couldn’t properly avenge Levi in this state—I had learned that the hard way with Ben.

I wiped my eyes and swung myself back into the saddle. With trembling fingers, I threw the bloodied cloak around my shoulders and fastened it around my neck. It added some extra pressure to my back, due to its unusual weight, but there was no way I was going to leave it out here in the snow. It was my last piece of Levi, the man I considered to be one of my best friends—or maybe even something more. I wasn’t going to abandon it and return to Wall Rose without it.

_Come on, you can grieve properly later. Right now, you have to make it back to the river and get to Utopia District._

But before we started moving toward the river again, I plucked out the flare gun from the pouch at my side and fired another green flare into the sky. Even though I had seen the evidence with my own eyes, there was a part of me—a very stubborn part—that refused to believe he was truly gone.

 _Must be the part that loves him_ , I thought to myself bitterly. With another sob, I squeezed my legs around Edel’s sides, and the two of us headed out in the direction of the river.

|~|

The river wasn’t too far away, and once we found it, the trail back to Utopia District was a fairly easy one to follow. The snow was much thinner down here, so I kept Edel at a steady pace. The wind slapping my face was a decent distraction from the numbness in my chest, but it didn’t vanish completely. I still thought of Levi with tears burning behind my eyes, blurring my line of sight.

I remembered how soft his hair had felt between my fingers, and how I had brushed his bangs away to kiss his forehead. I remembered those gorgeous gray eyes with flecks of blue shimmering in them, and the roughness of the many scars on his pale skin. He had felt so warm, _so right_ against my own body, even if it had only been for a few minutes at a time. My bottom lip trembled into a pout as I remembered his constant smirk and uninterested tone of voice.

_No, don’t pout. You remember how much he hated pouting._

_Why are you talking about him like that? Why are you acting like he’s already gone? There’s still hope, Mia! Maybe he’s still out there!_

_Oh, shut up. You saw the cloak and the blood and everything else. He’s gone, end of story. He’s not coming back, no matter how much you may think you love him._

The word _love_ only made the tears flow faster. It had happened again, hadn’t it? I had finally found someone I cared deeply about, perhaps even learned to _love_ down the line, and he was ripped away from me in the blink of an eye. Even though I wasn’t sure of my feelings for him, I knew he was more of a friend at this point. Knowing that he was gone for good hurt worse than any broken bone or heartache I had endured in my twenty-five years of life.

I barely noticed the sun creeping closer to the horizon in the east. I just kept focusing on the path before us, eager to get to Utopia District before dark. We had been so close to entering the city together, side by side—and all of that had vanished at once. Now I was heading into the district alone, without the black-haired Scout at my side.

Edel huffed at the sound of my sobbing. He didn’t like seeing me upset—he never did. But I didn’t want to stop and have him comfort me, in case another Titan chose to appear out of the blue. We had to keep moving, no matter how much it hurt.

Finally, I could see it. In the near distance, straight ahead, the outer gate of Utopia District was alight with torches. The rest of Wall Rose stood behind it, a dark line against the white backdrop of winter air. Seeing that familiar gray stone brought a soft sense of relief to my chest.

_Gray, like his eyes._

I fired my last flare into the air—this time a red one—as I neared the gate. The coldness and the pain in my chest were both getting to me; I could feel myself slipping away fast. I slowed Edel down to a moderate pace, and just as we reached the rising gate of Utopia District, I felt myself slip off his back and into the snow below.

|~|

_“So, what do you think about these new recruits?” Daisy’s bright blue eyes shone with curiosity as she motioned to Isabel and Furlan, who were halfway across the base, fiddling with their ODM gear. Surprisingly, Levi was nowhere to be found, but I didn’t have a problem with that. It was nice to not have him glaring at me for once._

_“Hm…” I lowered Edel’s lead and gave him better access to the grass below, so he could graze a little more easily. The two of us were outside, letting our horses catch some fresh air and relax before they had to work. The 23 rd Expedition was in just a few days after all, and we all needed to be at our best. “I don’t know, they seem promising. Hanji said they’re pretty good with ODM gear and taking out the Titan dummies. They’re all pretty fast learners—especially Isabel. She’s already riding her horse like a pro!” _

_The brown-haired girl chuckled at this. “I know, I’m almost jealous. It took me ages to figure out how to ride this sweetheart!” She grazed her hand along her dark brown mare’s neck, drawing a happy snort from the animal. “I hope they’ll pull through, they’re all pretty nice. …Well, **most** of them,” she added in a hushed voice. _

_I pressed the palm of my hand against my mouth to stifle my laugh. It wasn’t hard to guess which one of the three new members of our squad she was talking about. Isabel was bright-eyed and naturally curious, just like a child. Furlan was calm and sweet, always lending a helping hand and eager to learn more._

_Levi was…for lack of a better term, kind of a jerk._

_I tried not to spend too much time around him, but I could still tell he wasn’t a fan of me. Probably because Isabel always hung around me and begged me to spend time with her whenever we were free from our duties. Every time I was with the red-haired girl, I always felt a pair of eyes burning holes into my back. It made me nervous, but I knew I couldn’t do anything about it. I didn’t feel like I was in danger, but it was nerve-wracking nonetheless._

_Thankfully, I didn’t have that problem with Furlan. While the boy was still a little hesitant to trust me, he was much easier to talk to. He didn’t seem to mind the fact that Isabel was drawn to me, like the black-haired man did. Instead, he was always polite and often did his best to rein in the younger girl’s wild antics. In a twisted sort of way, watching them interact reminded me of myself and Hanji._

_“Hey, Mia! Daisy! Wait up!”_

_The two of us turned around just in time to see Isabel racing toward us. I held out a hand and motioned for her to slow down, just so she wouldn’t spook the horses. Thankfully, she got the message, and she changed her pace to a fast walk instead._

_“You girls up for another riding lesson? We just finished our ODM training, and I wanna have some fun! Come on, let’s go!”_

_But before she could scamper off, I tugged on the sleeve of her brown military jacket. Daisy caught my eye, and with a gentle smile, she turned to the younger redhead._

_“Actually, we’re just relaxing them for now. We don’t want to push them too much before the expedition, you know. You don’t want your horse to tire out on you once you get outside the Walls, right?”_

_Her jaw dropped at the mere thought of her horse getting tired. She held the animal with such high regard, and she often believed he was such a powerhouse that he never needed to rest once. However, she had to learn sooner rather than later that even our prized horses had their limits, and they were just as vital in the open air as our ODM gear and our blades._

_“No, not at all!” she chirped like a bird, her green eyes reminding me of the jeweled pendants my aunt sold within Wall Sina. “I want him to be as fast as he can! But…I still want to spend time with him…”_

_She stuck her bottom lip out into a pout. It took all I had to keep myself from laughing. How could I resist a sweet face like that?_

_“Well, you can bring him out here, and you can join us. How does that sound?”_

_“Great!”_

_“You remember how to put the halter on and everything, right?”_

_“…Yes, of course!”_

_But as she raced off toward the stables, I rolled my eyes and passed Edel’s reins off to Daisy. She took them without hesitation, a gentle smile on her face. “I better go keep an eye on her, to make sure she does it right.”_

_I followed Isabel to the stables, and it didn’t take her long to find her horse. The dark gray stallion had his nose buried in his water bucket by the time we got there. When he saw us, and Isabel opened the stall door, he swung around and bumped his wet snout into her arm, spraying thick droplets onto her jacket._

_“Ugh, gross!” But she was laughing like crazy, running her fingers through his midnight mane. “Come on, buddy, let’s go! Let me just get your halter on, and we can go for a ride—I mean, walk,” she corrected with a hasty look in my direction._

_As I helped her slip the black halter over the gelding’s massive snout, I couldn’t help but notice a shadow at the far entrance of the stable. When I turned my head, I felt a shiver drip down my spine. Levi was glaring at me, his lip curled into a snarl. My mouth ran dry, and I tried to distract myself with buckling the halter onto the gray horse’s nose, but I couldn’t shake his eyes off. I could still feel them on me, watching my every move._

**_Why does he always look like he’s annoyed with me? We barely even know each other! Have I done something to upset him?_ **

_Well, if I **had** upset him, it wasn’t like I was going to go up to him and ask him about it. I wasn’t that sociable to begin with, especially with guys that stared at you like you were lower than the dirt on the bottom of their boots. _

_Isabel’s face suddenly broke out into a huge smile. “Hey, big bro! Whatcha doing?”_

_He didn’t answer her. He only kept his eyes on mine, his glare worsening by the second. Finally, with a scoff in my direction, he turned away and walked out of the stable. I could only stare after him, absolutely dumbfounded._

_But Isabel didn’t seem bothered by his grouchy attitude. Instead, she was her usual self, an absolute bundle of joy. “Ah, don’t worry about him. He just likes to scare people, thinks it makes ‘im seem big and tough. He doesn’t mean it though, I’m sure he’ll be friends with you one day. Then all four of us will be friends—you, me, Furlan, and big bro!”_

_I didn’t have the heart to tell her I didn’t see myself becoming friends with someone as cold and distant as Levi. People like him didn’t mix well with people like me—possibly the only thing we had in common was our tendency to shy away from other people. But that wasn’t enough to make us friends._

_Instead, I gave her my best smile and shrugged my shoulders. “Maybe one day, Izzy.”_

|~|

A burst of light tore me away from the memory. I squeezed my eyes shut, pressing my hands against my eyelids in a feeble attempt to block out the brightness. But it just melted through, burning my amber eyes.

_No, take me back. I want to go back to Isabel, to Furlan, to Levi—to the days when everything made sense._

_Levi!_

My eyes shot open at the familiar name. But before I could get up, a gentle hand pushed on my chest and send me back down into the softness below. I squeaked as a fluffy material hit my head. I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to adjust to my new surroundings as the memories of the past few days swamped my mind.

Judging by the white walls and the line of neatly-made beds against the wall outside of the little room around me, I assumed I was in a hospital. Nurses and doctors padded up and down the hallway, and a young woman with brown hair and a kind face was dabbing my forehead with a warm cloth. I was lying in a bed, with the white sheets stretched up to my upper torso. Soft pillows caressed my head and neck, easing some of the tension I had been feeling for the past few days. My skin felt clean and bare of any dirt from the outside world. They must have just bathed me.

The heavy garments of my military uniform had been stripped from my body and replaced with a thin white gown that left nothing to the imagination. I was quite thankful for the warm blankets resting over my near-naked form. When I turned my head, I saw my usual outfit and the two green cloaks folded up and resting on a nearby chair, on the other side of the room. At least they hadn’t confiscated any of my belongings for good.

_Am I in the hospital of Utopia District? How long have I been out?_

The nurse must have seen the obvious confusion on my face and smiled at me again. She rinsed the cloth in a bucket of warm water and pressed it to my cheeks this time, keeping her voice mellow as she spoke.

“You’re in Utopia District, sweetie. Can you tell me your name?”

They must have already known who I was, if they had taken my military uniform. My name and rank were etched onto the patch of my left sleeve, along with the year I enlisted. No, they had to be asking to make sure I didn’t have any memory loss.

“Mia Wolf, member of the Survey Corps and captain of the Elite Reconnaissance Squad.” My head was a little fuzzy, but I didn’t have any trouble remembering the important things. “Ma’am, how long have I been out?”

“No more than a couple hours, captain. You took quite a fall from your horse at the outer gate. The Garrison soldiers had to rush you here to make sure you were okay. Your temperature was lower than usual, so we had to warm you up. You should be fine in a little while, though. Can you remember why you were out there all alone?”

The events of this morning came back as a tidal wave: waking up at the ruins of Skoll Castle, tending to Levi’s wound, admiring the scars on his body, finding the river, the Titans attacking, seeing the torn cloak in the Abnormal’s teeth, the trek along the river alone—I swallowed hard as each flashback hit me.

_Levi. Oh God, where are you? Are you really dead, or are you still out there somewhere? How long has it been since you’ve been out there all alone?_

“Ma’am, not to be rude, but I have to go.” Before she could object, I was sitting up in the bed, with the sheets pooling around my hips. “I need to speak with the Garrison soldiers that brought me in. It can’t wait, I have to see them _now_.”

If there was even the slightest chance Levi was still out there, I had to find them. I had to bring him home. Any relief I might have felt upon returning to Utopia District and the rest of human civilization had been chased away by the need to see him again. I didn’t care that I had seen his bloodied cloak in the Titan’s teeth. That stubborn, vocal part of me still believed he was out there, all alone and possibly bleeding out. I had to reach him before anything else could hurt him.

The nurse’s green eyes flashed with doubt. “Captain, I advise you to take it easy. If you need to see the Garrison soldiers, I will send for them. They should still be out in the main lobby—at least, one of them should be. However, I don’t want you to hurt yourself any more than you already have.”

I couldn’t hold it against her. She was just trying to do her job, and I didn’t want to make it any more difficult for her. With a grumble, I agreed to have her fetch the soldiers for me. However, the moment she left the room, I pulled back the curtains and dressed in the fresh change of clothes at the foot of my bed. There was no way in hell I was going to be seen in that sorry excuse for a nightgown.

The clothes were nothing too fancy, but they were warmer and more comfortable than what I had been in. I slipped on the black trousers and dark green shirt with ease before pulling on my winter boots, which were leaning against the leg of the chair with my other clothes. I reached up to my throat and sighed in relief—my wolf necklace was still there, untouched and left alone. Having it with me gave me a weird but welcome sense of comfort.

I pulled the curtain back and gazed at the chair of clothes before me. A fresh wave of tears began to build behind my eyes as I took in the sight of Levi’s bloodied cloak, still torn and ragged. I was thankful they hadn’t washed it yet—I didn’t want them to erase what was possibly the last piece of Levi that I had. I didn’t care how messy it was, or the fact I had just been cleaned. I scooped up the cloak and held it against my nose, searching for that familiar pine and peppermint smell.

It was a rule in hospitals, unfortunately. When soldiers were admitted into the rooms and treated by the doctors and nurses, they were often instructed to leave their bloody clothes on the side. They didn’t clean them, since many soldiers grew attached to either the shreds of their comrade’s cloak or the remains of the patches on their sleeves. If they wanted a piece of them to either remember them by or return to their families at home, they were free to do so. There had been too many incidents where soldiers—primarily Scouts, since they made up a majority of the patients at the hospitals—threw fits and had mental breakdowns because a nurse accidentally washed a jacket or a cloak and removed any trace of the soldier that had worn it. In the end, it became an unspoken rule, enforced out of courtesy for the fallen.

I pressed my nose deeper into the fabric, desperate to catch a whiff of his scent. The two halves of my heart battled ferociously as I sought out the familiar warm and musky smell. One half insisted he was alive and out there, trying his best to get home and fulfill his promise to me. But the other half was just as persistent, arguing that he was dead and long gone by now. It screamed at me to get a grip, to put the past behind me, and that I was only setting myself up for failure if I chose to believe he was alive.

I had a habit of getting my hopes up, didn’t I? It didn’t take much to remember the fight in his office that had led us here in the first place—the fight that had sparked so many emotions at once and collided with each other over the past few days.

“Mia Wolf?”

I raised my head from the cloak, sniffling heavily. I knew that voice. I hadn’t heard it in at least ten years, but I remembered it at once. I cleared my throat and turned to the open door of my room, where a familiar Garrison soldier stood outside in the hallway.

It was a man—broad-shouldered and a little bulky around the chest. His dirty blond hair was cropped up into an undercut and ruffled at the top, and his baby blue eyes shone with relief and a hint of tears. He wore the typical military uniform, with a white button-down shirt underneath his jacket. The familiar twin rose insignia of the Garrison stood out on the left pocket of his jacket, as well as the upper half of both his sleeves.

“Blaise?”

His lips pulled up into a weak smile at the sound of his name. As soon as he stepped into the room, I rushed forward and threw myself into his outstretched arms. I hugged his neck tightly, with the green cloak still wrapped around my right fist. Blaise nuzzled into my shoulder, sighing softly.

“I can’t believe it’s really you.” He pulled away and held me at arm’s length, blinking his blue eyes rapidly. “You’re…you’re so grown up!”

It was hard not to chuckle at the amazement in his voice. He was the same age as me, give or take a few months, but it was a running joke in the 90th Training Corps that I was the youngest of the Wolf siblings. Blaise Becker had befriended my brother almost the second they met, and they made a great pair when it came to ODM training and planning battle strategies. It was no wonder the two of them had decided to join the Garrison together all those years ago.

“When I saw you out in the distance, I couldn’t believe it was _you_! I was sure there had to be some mistake, but then I checked your patch—and I’ll be damned, it _was_ you!”

Blaise had a tendency to ramble whenever he was overcome with emotion, whether it was anger, sadness, happiness or relief, but I didn’t have the heart to stop him. Although I didn’t speak, I was just as ecstatic to see him after all these years. In a strange sort of way, it was like having Ben back with me.

“The other cadets couldn’t believe it, the Scouts had returned days ago! Why were you out there all alone? What happened to your squad? They didn’t send you out all by yourself, right? It was storming something _horrible_ the other day!”

I wanted to tell him everything: about the royal assembly’s mysterious new rules, the fabled town of Naraka, the prisoners that attacked me and Levi, and everything in between. But I couldn’t. Although we were far from Mitras, it was never wise to upset or question the actions of the royal government. Someone could take it the wrong way, and you could be charged with treason. Besides, I didn’t know how many MPs were currently roaming the streets of Utopia, ready to act like little birds and report me to the capital. The Scouts were already on thin ice with the nobles, and I didn’t want to make our situation worse.

“I got separated from my squad. But I wasn’t the only one out there. There’s someone else, too!”

Blaise’s eyes narrowed. “Who is it?”

“Captain Levi. He’s in charge of the Survey Corps’ Special Operations Squad. We were stranded out there for days, but we managed to get separated this morning. He might—”

The words died in my throat as I stole a look at the cloak in my hands. The patches of blood had dried on the fabric, forming into thick black spots. The Wings of Freedom pattern on the back was still ripped clean through, and my stomach flipped when I thought of two Titans pulling the thing in their mouths in a sick game of tug of war.

“I mean…he _can’t_ be gone…”

My vision grew blurry the longer I stared at the black and white wings. I didn’t want to believe he was gone. He was out there somewhere, probably on his way back by now. I refused to believe that someone like him could be taken out by three Titans. I had seen him take out many more at a time, sometimes all in one single swoop. He wasn’t going to let himself go out that way. He was a fighter, determined to give it his all until his dying breath. He wouldn’t let himself get killed by a couple of Titans and a random Abnormal.

But at the same time, I knew it wasn’t completely true. I remembered the words I had said to Isabel on the morning of the 23rd Expedition, on the day they had died: _“You have to stay sharp, no matter how skilled you think you may be.”_ The same applied to Levi, right? One wrong move, and it was just as easy for him to slide down a Titan’s throat like an untrained cadet. He wasn’t invincible, he wasn’t a god. He was just as vulnerable as any human being—our time together had taught me that, as I gazed at the collection of scars scattered across his body.

_No! I can’t think like that. He has to be alive, he has to be! He’s probably heading for Utopia District right now!_

A light weight rested on my left shoulder. When I tilted my head, Blaise’s face had become a little watery. His eyes were locked on the torn green cloak in my hand, his face contorted in sorrow. I knew what he was going to say, but I couldn’t shut him up in time.

“Mia, I don’t think he’s out there.”

“No, he _has_ to be,” I cut him off sharply. “I saw him just this morning, and he was fine.” I didn’t want to mention his stitched-up stab wound, in case that could count against the chances of him returning to me alive. “He’s still out there, I know he is. And I _have_ to go find him!”

Before he could protest, I snatched my jacket and cloak off of the chair and slipped them on. Tucked inside the chest pocket was my father’s journal, safe and sound. I hid a smile at the familiar weight against my heart. But once I threw the worn out cloak over my shoulders, the smile had been wiped from my face. I had a job to do now.

“Mia, wait—”

I pushed past him and headed for the hallway. I didn’t bother retrieving my other belongings—I could fetch them later, when I came back with Levi. As I walked down the hall, I tucked the bloody cloak underneath my arm and slipped on my black gloves. I ignored the burning stares of the doctors I passed, and if they tried to reach out to me, I simply continued on my way. I couldn’t let them hold me up any longer.

A pair of boots pounded against the shiny floor behind me. “Mia!” Blaise’s hand brushed my shoulder, but I shrugged him off. I was almost to the door, and he wasn’t going to stop me. I wouldn’t let him.

I pushed on the doors and stepped outside into the icy air. The sun was sinking down into the east already, and the first traces of the night sky were already starting to take shape. The streets of Utopia District were bare of any civilians; the districts didn’t have a curfew, but no one wanted to be outside when it was this cold, especially if they didn’t have to be. Everyone, save for a few stray passers, was tucked into their homes or nearby taverns.

“Mia, please!”

I swung my head to the right. I could see the outer gate of Wall Rose in the distance, still alight with torches. With a glare, I yanked up my hood and headed for the large stone wall.

“MIA!”

This time, Blaise tugged _hard_ on my wrist. I whirled around and glared at him, tightening my grip on Levi’s cloak. Blaise was panting heavily by now, his breaths coming out in warm puffs. His eyes flickered back and forth between my face and the bloodstained fabric in my hands.

“Mia, please, just _listen_ to me.” He was desperate at this point, so I decided to humor him—but just for a bit. I couldn’t waste any more time. “It’s only going to get colder. You can’t head out there now! You’ll freeze to death!”

“And what about Levi?” I snapped, my blood burning in my veins. “Am I supposed to let him freeze instead? He’s still out there, I know he is! I know you think I’m crazy, but I know he’s not dead! He can’t be!”

Blaise’s lips parted slightly. Then, in the softest voice I had ever heard from him, his eyes dropped down to the cloak in my arms: “Is that his?”

“…So what if it is?”

“Then he was wearing it at one point, wasn’t he?” Reluctantly, I nodded my head. “Mia, you have to understand! He’s gone! I know it hurts, but you have to—”

“No, I don’t _have_ to do anything.” I realized with a jolt that I had repeated the same words Levi always said to me, whenever I begged him for a story about his past. He had always insisted he didn’t have to tell me, but he always ended up caving in to me and my demands. “You don’t know him, Blaise. You haven’t seen him fight! You don’t know what he’s been through! He wouldn’t let a couple Titans get to him!”

At this, his jaw dropped. “Wait, _Titans_? You fought Titans on the way here?!” My face burned with shame at the thought of the Abnormal’s steaming carcass a few miles east of the river. “…Mia, where did you find that cloak?”

 _In a dead Titan’s mouth_.

But if I insisted that didn’t mean anything, that there was a chance he was still alive, I would only be fooling myself. The odds were not in my favor today, it seemed.

Blaise let out a heavy sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Mia, you know better than anyone how dangerous those monsters are. You know how to deal with them, how to kill them. You’ve seen them countless times, always going beyond the Walls without looking scared. Hell, I saw them _once_ and pissed myself!”

A pang of guilt hit my chest. Ben had told me once that Blaise had been stationed in Shiganshina to lead a squad of his own. Had he been there that day, when Shiganshina fell to the Titans? Had he seen the horrors of the Titans and what they were capable of? Had he seen his comrades get ripped apart one by one?

_Did he realize Ben wasn’t coming back that night?_

I flinched at the thought of my brother. I had been so caught up in my own pain I had completely disregarded Blaise’s. Apart from me and my sister, Blaise knew Ben better than anyone else. The two of them had been like brothers, always spending time together and never leaving each other’s side. Losing Ben must have been just as painful as it had been for me.

“You’re the only one who can vouch for their strength. They’re deadly, all of them. So how do you think this lone soldier can stand up to them when he’s on his own in this kind of weather?”

Out of context, the answer was crystal clear. Either a Titan would devour him, or he would die of exposure. Even if he made it back to the remains of Skoll Castle, there was no guarantee it would still be abandoned. For all I knew, another group of bandits or prisoners could take over it and kill him the minute they saw him.

But Levi wasn’t like the other soldiers of the Survey Corps. He was something special—a force to be reckoned with. He had skills other soldiers could only dream of having. The way he moved with his blades and gear mesmerized me every time I watched him train. His Titan kill count had no doubt surpassed my own already, and there was no doubt that he was the strongest Scout the Survey Corps had to offer. It wasn’t his time to die just yet.

_It wasn’t Isabel or Furlan’s time to die, either. Or Flagon’s, or Sairam’s, or Daisy’s—or even Ben’s. That doesn’t change a thing._

“I can’t just leave him.”

I didn’t want to argue with Blaise over this anymore. We were losing time, losing the rest of our sunlight. If we didn’t find Levi soon— _or what’s left of him_ —he would be a goner. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if he died on my watch.

My brother’s friend let out another groan and shrugged his shoulders. “How about this: we go up there, and you can talk to the people in charge. I don’t think they’ll let you go out there at this time of night, but there’s no harm in trying, right?”

It was better than nothing, I suppose. I didn’t think I would be able to go outside the Walls all by myself, especially at this time of night. The Garrison had the authority to restrain me if they deemed it too dangerous to travel, and if I didn’t abide by their laws, I could find myself thrown into one of the dungeons. Of course, they could send a squad of soldiers to accompany me, but I didn’t hold out much hope. Aside from Ben and Blaise, and maybe a handful of other soldiers, the members of the Garrison were too preoccupied with drinking on the job to journey beyond the Walls, even if it meant saving a comrade.

“Fine.” I pressed the cloak against my chest and turned away from Blaise’s blue eyes. “Can you take me to them?”

He nodded, but I could see the hesitation in his eyes. But I wasn’t going to back down. He knew me well during our days as cadets in the 90th Training Corps, and he knew how my mind worked. I could be a stubborn little bitch when I wanted to be, and right now, I was focused on my goal. I wasn’t going to give up on Levi, wherever he was.

The trek to the outer gate was a quiet one, with the dying sun shining over us. A small group of Garrison soldiers huddled around a small fireplace at the lift station, all dressed in brown winter coats lined with fur. When they heard the snow crunching under our boots, all four heads shot up and eyed us wearily. They were young, probably no older than my squad back at home.

“Sergeant Becker—”

“I’m not going to patronize you for sitting around on the job.” Blaise’s voice was tired; obviously, this was not the first time he had talked to them like this. “Just take us up to the Wall.”

Two of the cadets jumped to their feet and began to prepare the lift. Each district was equipped with several lifts built into their portion of the Walls, in order to transport both people and supplies up to the top. While they were mainly used to transport horses and cannons, they also acted as decent elevators for soldiers who couldn’t scale the stone with ODM gear. I hadn’t seen my gear in the hospital room when I woke up, so I could only assume the doctors had confiscated it. Thankfully they hadn’t taken away the knife I kept at the back of my waist.

When the cadets nodded to us, Blaise and I stepped onto the lift and hung onto the railings. The platform began to rise slowly, inching up the surface of the Wall. All the while, I clung to the ripped cloak in my arms.

A few moments later, Blaise and I found ourselves at the top of Wall Rose. There were only a few soldiers stationed up top, prowling the edge of the Wall for any Titans that may appear. Each of them was dressed in the same brown winter coats the cadets below had been wearing, and when we passed them by, they greeted me with sideways glances and raised eyebrows.

_I don’t blame them. I probably look like shit._

Toward the center of the Wall stood a small group of Garrison soldiers, all huddled around another small fireplace and wearing similar winter coats. Blaise headed for this group in particular; at the sound of our footsteps, one of the soldiers turned around and faced us head-on.

It was an older woman, probably a little older than Commander Shadis had been. Her brown hair was thinning, with wisps of gray laced throughout the tresses. Her face was slightly wrinkled, and her blue eyes were somewhat dull in the faint torchlight. Nevertheless, she looked like the kind of person you didn’t want to agitate; with her arms crossed over her chest, she gave off a strict, no-nonsense attitude that commanded respect from those around her.

Despite her intimidating posture, Blaise didn’t seem to be all that bothered. When we reached the woman, he gestured to me with his hand. “Mia, this is Gate Lieutenant Brigitte Morris. Lieutenant, this is Captain Wolf of the Survey Corps.”

I held out my hand, and I was relieved when she grasped it in her own. The tiniest smile graced her wrinkled features, and a hint of warmth shone in those blue eyes. “It’s good to see you’re awake, captain. I heard about your arrival from my soldiers—apparently Sergeant Becker and his squad found you a couple hours ago, returning from an expedition alone.”

“Yes, that’s correct, ma’am.” When she released my hand, I immediately pressed it against my chest in a salute. If I was going to convince her to let me go after Levi, I had to get on her good side. “If it weren’t for them, I would probably be dead.”

She nodded and crossed her arms once more. “I understand the Survey Corps returned from an expedition a few days ago, but I want to hear your account. I wasn’t aware there were Scouts outside the Walls that were still alive.”

 _I’m only alive because of Levi_. With that thought in my mind, I cleared my throat and forced myself to speak: “It’s my understanding that Commander Erwin called off the expedition much earlier than we planned, due to the heavy snowstorm. If you don’t mind me asking, I came in with a horse—a silver gelding. Do you have him?”

Morris’ eyes softened at this. “Yes, he’s currently in our stable along the western part of the district. I wouldn’t worry, captain; he’s in safe hands.”

At least I didn’t have to worry about Edel’s safety. Knowing he was okay lifted some of the weight off my chest. “I appreciate it, lieutenant. But that’s not all. I have another request.”

Her eyes flickered. “Oh? And what would that be?”

I swallowed hard. “I wasn’t the only one stranded out there. One of my comrades is still out there somewhere, and he may be hurt. I have to find him before anything else happens to him. I was hoping you would grant me permission to head out as soon as possible, so I can go out and find him.”

Maybe if she saw how desperate I was, she would allow me to go at first light the next morning. Or maybe, if I was lucky, she would let me go out right now. There weren’t many Titans north of Utopia District to begin with, and if we happened to run into any of them, they wouldn’t be able to attack us. All Titans needed sunlight to move, which made traveling by moonlight the safest option. If we planned accordingly and used caution, I was sure we could—

“Absolutely not.”

By now, all of the Garrison soldiers were staring at the two of us. Blaise didn’t look surprised in the slightest at Morris’ answer, and when I stole a glance at the soldiers surrounding us, they all wore similar sympathetic expressions. I, on the other hand, was _livid_.

“With all due respect—”

“Cut the bullshit, captain.” Her voice was harsh and final, like a mother scolding her child. My cheeks burned at the patronizing tone she used, but I could only stand and listen as she continued to speak. “Is _that_ your comrade’s?”

She motioned to the cloak in my arms. The Wings of Freedom pattern was angled toward her, so she had a clear view of the bloodspots and the torn fabric. With a tight swallow, I nodded my head and hugged the piece of cloth closer to my chest. What did this have to do with anything?

“I have nothing but the utmost respect for the Scouts, and I have known Commander Erwin for many years now. However, I cannot risk the lives of my soldiers and send them on a wild goose chase.”

“It’s not—”

“Silence!” I snapped my mouth shut, but I could feel my blood boiling in my veins. “Judging by the way you’re clinging to that cloak, I can only assume that your comrade has been killed and devoured. Titans don’t roam the northern territories often, but the ones that do are absolutely ruthless. I’m sorry, but I can’t risk my soldiers, especially out in this weather—nor can I allow you to leave the district on your own,” she added the moment I opened my mouth. “I give my deepest condolences to you and the loss of your friend, but you must understand. We cannot afford to lose anymore soldiers to the Titans at this time.”

I was breathing heavily at this point, trying my best to contain my anger. But it wasn’t just fury that made my blood thrum almost violently throughout my body. It was sadness, guilt, hopelessness—every emotion I had ever felt in the last few years all rolled up into one huge ball. As I gazed at the cloak in my hands, and the amount of blood staining the dark green fabric, my stomach dropped to my shoes.

Maybe there was some truth to what Morris had said. Maybe, in some sort of twisted way, Levi really _was_ gone for good. I had seen the corpse of the Abnormal Titan with my own two eyes, pulled this cloak from its teeth with my own hands. There was no way anyone could survive that, no matter how skilled they were. It hurt to admit it, but maybe that was reality. Maybe Levi really was dead.

The cloak grew fuzzy, and I dragged my fist against my eyes to wipe away the tears before they fell. I didn’t need this many Garrison soldiers to see me get all emotional like this. If I was going to cry, I had to do it in private, where no one could see me.

Before I knew it, Morris’ aging hand rested against my shoulder. Her dull blue eyes were a little bit softer, but her face was still as stern as ever. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words would come out. She just continued to stare at me, her lips quirking to one side.

“…By any chance, were you related to Sergeant Benjamin Wolf?”

 _Ben_. I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath before nodding. “Yes, ma’am. He was my brother.”

“I see… Then you know all too well that we can’t save every soldier we come across. I have lost people, as well—too many to count, at this point. I know how it feels, but we must think of the other lives we endanger if we act on our impulses and emotions.”

I knew she was just trying to cheer me up, but I wasn’t hearing any of it. Mentioning Ben had been the last straw for me. Even after nearly two years, it was still too soon to talk about him.

I ripped myself away from her grasp and glared at her hatefully. A couple soldiers stepped forward to subdue me, but they froze in their tracks once Morris held up her hand. Her eyes never left mine once.

“You’re right—I know _exactly_ how it feels to leave the ones you love behind. I was there when Shiganshina fell. I saw my brother get eaten with my own eyes!” I saw Blaise flinch out of the corner of my eye, but I couldn’t stop myself. I had to get this off my chest. “And honestly, I probably would have died if I tried to save him. But I _didn’t_. I made it out alive—and it’s all because of that soldier out there beyond the Walls!”

I remembered that day all too well. The swarm of Titans advancing all around us, the blood leaking from Ben’s head, the broken nubs my blades had become—and finally, Levi swooping in and grabbing me by the waist, dragging me out of Shiganshina kicking and screaming. I remembered watching the Titan curl its meaty fingers around my brother and shoving him into its mouth. I remembered his blood pouring from its lips, meeting a fate identical to the countless Scouts we had lost over the years: Moses, Charles, Emmett, Rosalie, Elias, Peter, Sebastian, and so many others I couldn’t even name. I knew just how it felt to leave behind someone you loved, and I was all too familiar with the guilt that came with it.

But I refused to let that happen again. Not with Levi, not with anyone else.

“He saved me that day in Shiganshina. If it weren’t for him, I would be dead just like my brother. He risked his own life to save me, and he didn’t even know me that well back then. What kind of soldier am I if I can’t do the same for him?”

But my words didn’t seem to have an effect on Morris. She simply placed a hand on her hip and met my glare evenly. However, instead of talking to me, she addressed the soldiers around us.

“Keep Captain Wolf within the boundaries of Utopia District. She is not to go near the stables nor the ODM gear base. I’m sorry, captain, but this is for your own good. I can’t risk your life or the ones of my soldiers.”

My nails dug into the flesh of my palms. “So what, am I your prisoner?” _Because it sure feels like it right now._

“Don’t be absurd. You’re free to move about the district wherever you please. However, if you attempt to escape or endanger your own life or the soldiers around you, I will have no choice but to take immediate action against you.”

 _Immediate action_ often translated to the dungeons underneath the district. I wasn’t a prisoner, but I was far from being a person of free will.

“I have already sent a messenger to the Survey Corps base, to tell Commander Erwin of your arrival. With any luck, he should be here by tomorrow night to collect you. Until then, please refrain from making any stupid decisions.”

With that, Lieutenant Morris turned on her heel and walked away without another word. The group of soldiers scurried behind her, leaving Blaise all alone with me. But before he could reach out to me, I reeled around and walked past him, holding Levi’s cloak against my chest. All the while, the edge of the Wall taunted me in the torchlight, beckoning me closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was kind of jarring to go back to Mia's experiences with Isabel for that little flashback scene. I had to revisit Ch. 3 and 4 to make sure I kept her character consistent. Maybe it's just me, but it's like she's a totally different person than the one she used to be early on in the story. I don't know if it's because f character development, the shit she's seen so far, or the time between writing those chapters and this one. Either way it's a little weird, but oh well. :) 
> 
> Two new characters were introduced: Blaise and Lieutenant Morris. Blaise is one of my OCs, but Morris is not--actually, her character comes from Rachel Aaron's AoT novel "Garrison Girl" (which is a great read, by the way). I've altered her a bit to fit the story, but I just want to give credit where credit is due. Morris isn't a villain--she's far from being one--but she has her own duties and responsibilities to worry about. I sympathize with Mia, but I can also see Morris' POV on the whole situation. Also, a number of names come from this novel (Rosalie, Emmett, Jax, etc.)--I'm 90% sure the noble Dumarque and Smythe families will appear later on in the story...perhaps at the upcoming military ball... ;)
> 
> I'm running out of pre-written chapters for this story, so I'm trying to space out the updates. Sometime in the future, though, I want to update it at least once a week, just so you don't go too long without hearing from me. I'm more than halfway done with this story--I can't quit now! (Not that I want to, but still!) Let me know what you guys think of this chapter, and I'll update this story as soon as I possibly can! :)


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm a few days late with this chapter, but I think it's a good pausing point for the story. After this chapter, this story will be going on a little hiatus. It won't be for too long - I'm planning to start it back up in the beginning of July. I just want to give myself enough time to write the next few chapters. I like having at least 3 chapters pre-written before I post any more, if that makes sense. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

|XXXVI|

Unfortunately, Lieutenant Morris hadn’t been kidding when she said I wasn’t allowed to go near any of the bases positioned on the outer Wall. As much as I hated to admit it, the woman meant business, and she was quick and efficient in making sure she got what she wanted. If I even breathed in the direction of the stables, I was met with at least two Garrison soldiers, their hands on their blades and their eyes slanted in fierce glares.

I was stuck.

But I refused to let that woman get the best of me. I refused to give her the satisfaction of seeing me so broken up. So instead of retreating to the hospital to gather the rest of my belongings, I plopped myself down near the edge of the Wall, gazing out into the snowy distance. By now, the moon was high and bright in the sky, and the torches that lit up the edge were flickering in the darkness. Only a few Garrison soldiers were stationed outside on their nightly patrol, but there were enough to stop me if I decided to make any moves. Besides, they wouldn’t let me get too close to the edge to begin with.

If they wouldn’t let me go get him myself, I would wait for him to come to me. It was the only thing I could do at this point without feeling like an absolute failure.

As the night passed in silence, the icy air started seeping through the green cloak around my shoulders. I was sitting cross-legged on the cold stone, with Levi’s ripped cloak spread out across my lap. I knew I couldn’t stay out here for too long unless I wanted to freeze, but I didn’t want to take my eyes off of the horizon. I couldn’t risk missing him if I saw him in the distance.

Eventually, the sound of footsteps tore my attention away from the snowy land ahead. When I turned my head, I forced myself to smile at Blaise, who was wearing a heavy winter jacket and holding two cups of steaming hot cocoa. I took one of the cups and sipped it gently; it didn’t take long for memories of the late-night tea sessions I would have with Levi to pop into my head.

I couldn’t really take my anger out on Blaise. He was only trying to help me—he wasn’t the one holding me back now. It was Morris who was preventing me from doing my job, to rescue a fellow soldier. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I barely even registered that my fingers were burning as I gripped the scalding drink even tighter.

Blaise took a seat next to me, his right knee brushing my left one. He nodded to the Garrison soldier closest to us, silently asking to give us some privacy. Thankfully, he obliged, but I knew this didn’t change anything. Even if I tried to run away, he would tackle me in two seconds flat. He had been the best in our class when it came to hand-to-hand combat, only coming in second after my sister. I didn’t stand a chance against him, and judging by the look in his eyes, he knew it as much as I did.

“Don’t hold it against her.” I was glad I wasn’t the one who had to break the silence, but I didn’t exactly like where this conversation was headed, either. “Lieutenant Morris is just doing the best she can. She doesn’t want to see anymore Garrison soldiers get killed.”

I scoffed and raised the steaming cup to my lips. “But she’s fine with letting a Scout die.”

“Mia, come on, you know that’s not true.” Maybe I did, but I was too agitated to think rationally at this point. I was pissed, and I intended to let him know. “I know you don’t think so, but Lieutenant Morris…well, to put it bluntly, she’s seen a lot of shit out there.” When he took a sip from his own cup, I realized his hands were trembling fiercely. “She was there that day, in Shiganshina. She saw…”

I didn’t need him to continue. We both knew where this was headed, and I didn’t want to hear anymore. Instead, I shook my head and set my cup down. Levi’s cloak was still draped across my legs, but it didn’t do much to keep me warm. I had been out here for too long already.

The two of us continued to sit in silence, staring out at the world beyond the Wall. My chest tightened as I realized that this land, as well, had belonged to the human race once before. But those were the simpler days, the happier days—the days when I still had Ma, Dad, and Ben at my side.

_God, has it only been a year and a half since you left me? It still feels like it happened yesterday._

I wanted to say something to the man sitting next to me. I felt like I had to, since he had been my brother’s best friend. But I didn’t know how to bring it up; I couldn’t just say something along the lines of _“Hey, I know we haven’t seen each other in close to a decade, but how have you been holding up ever since my brother was eaten by a Titan?”—_ I cringed at the thought of saying such an insensitive thing. Had he even been in Shiganshina that day? Did he know how Ben died? Did he happen to see it with his own eyes, like I had?

“I was there, too, when it happened.”

 _Well, I guess that answers that question._ I swallowed the lump in my throat and shifted my eyes over to the blonde next to me. He was furiously tapping his knee—a nervous habit he always had, even in our training days. I kept my lips sealed, waiting for him to continue.

“Seeing the Wall crumble like that, seeing all those Titans pour in at once… It was _terrifying_. I couldn’t imagine fighting those monsters again, not after what had happened.”

His bright blue eyes were squeezed shut, and his hand tapped his knee with more force than before. If I had to guess, he was remembering all he had seen that day. I wondered if he suffered from nightmares, like I did. I wondered if he woke up in the middle of the night, screaming for my brother to run. Even after all this time, I still did it in the confines of my office.

“When we were assigned to our posts in Trost after the fall, I realized I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t face them again, I couldn’t stand and watch as my comrades died around me. So I left.” He drew in a shaky breath, pulling his knees up to his chest. “I transferred to Utopia District, where there weren’t many Titans to worry about. Maybe that makes me a coward, but I don’t care. I’m just thankful I’m still alive.”

He winced the moment the words left his lips, his eyes darting to mine. But I didn’t resent him for the choice he had made, or what he had just admitted to me. Maybe he was a coward, but I didn’t have the heart to judge him. Unlike the other Garrison soldiers, he had enlisted with good intentions of protecting the Walls and fighting for the good of humanity. But seeing so many Titans at once—and seeing what they were capable of—was close to break a man. I was used to it, ever since I went on my first expedition at sixteen years old. But the older you got, the harder it was to deal with everything.

“I wasn’t the only one who transferred here, though. A bunch of the other soldiers did, all from different rankings. Lieutenant Morris was one of them.” He gave a humorless chuckle at my baffled expression. “I guess that makes _all_ of us cowards then, right? Whatever.” He shook his head and stretched his legs out, keeping his palms on his knees. “I know you don’t want to hear about it right now, Mia, but what I’m trying to say is this: please don’t judge Lieutenant Morris or anyone else here. They’ve seen too much at this point, and they don’t want to put themselves in unnecessary danger. The lieutenant’s first priority is to save as many lives as she can—and that includes the soldiers from other branches.”

Adrenaline was pumping through my veins at this point. “But doesn’t Levi count as one of those lives she’s supposed to save? How can she turn her back on him?!”

When he met my eyes, my heart nearly stopped. I had never seen Blaise look so exhausted, so _hopeless_ before. It was like he had suddenly aged ten years in the span of our conversation alone. He was always so bright and cheerful when we were cadets, always latching himself onto my brother’s arm. But the last eleven years had taken their toll on him, and he was no longer the loving, supporting boy Ben had befriended when they were twelve.

“Mia, do you _really_ believe he’s still alive?”

I opened my mouth, but the words wouldn’t come. I wanted so badly to scream at him, to assure him that Levi would return, riding on his black mare like a valiant knight from the old stories Dad used to tell me before bedtime. I wanted to tell him how strong of a soldier Levi was, and how I had seen him take out more than three or four Titans all at once. He wasn’t the kind of person to let himself get killed by just two lousy Titans—it wasn’t in his nature. He was better than that, and he always had been.

But eleven years in the Survey Corps had nearly broken me. I had seen all kinds of soldiers die at the hands of the Titans beyond the Walls: some who were battle-hardened veterans who wore eternal scowls; cadets as young as fifteen years old screaming for their mothers to save them; soldiers who were fed up with all the death around them that they willingly jumped into a Titan’s outstretched mouth; and soldiers who had nowhere else to go but the Survey Corps, who continued on with their lives with a blank, emotionless expression. No matter their experience, their skills, or their speed, they all found themselves in a Titan’s mouth sooner or later. At the end of the day, it didn’t matter. The Titans didn’t pick and choose who to kill and who to keep alive; they were out to get every single one of us, and I feared that one of these days, they would succeed in doing just that.

What made Levi any different from the soldiers who had come before him?

“I don’t know.” It was hard to keep my voice steady, but I managed to do it. I didn’t want to cry in front of Blaise. If I started, I knew I would never be able to stop. “I want to believe he’ll come back, but…”

I raised the cloak and pressed it to my face. The smells of pine and peppermint were nothing but faint traces at this point. Soon enough, I would have nothing left of Levi to remember him by.

“He promised me he _would_ come back. He said so, right before we split up to deal with the Titans that were chasing us. He _promised_.”

And that little promise was holding me back from admitting he was dead. He didn’t make promises lightly—he had even told me himself, when Jax had come crawling back into my life. He did his best to fulfil them, even when we were at each other’s throats. No matter what happened between us, he always came back to me, ready to protect me from whatever the world threw at us.

I didn’t want to think about what would happen if I didn’t have him at my side. I wasn’t a stranger to losing people I cared about, but it was a different story with Levi. I _needed_ him in my life. I didn’t know what role I wanted him to play, but I knew I needed him at my side. I loved the quiet nights we shared in either his office or mine. I loved the training exercises we would run with our squads. I loved the way he ruffled my hair and called me a brat. Yes, I even loved the obsessive way he cleaned his office and bedroom, and the way he would always complain about my own office, insisting that it was still dirty, even after I had spent the whole day tidying it up.

How was I supposed to carry on if I didn’t have these little things to look forward to?

“You love him.”

I stared at Blaise, my mouth hanging open in absolute horror. “W-what?! N-n-no, of course n-not! W-w-where would y-you g-get…get an idea l-like…like that?!”

What made him jump to _that_ conclusion?! We hadn’t even seen each other in years—how did he feel comfortable making assumptions like this about me out in the open?! He didn’t even know Levi, he had never even seen the two of us interact! What could have prompted him to ask such a thing?

_And to my face, no less! You don’t just ask a girl something like that!_

It was nice to see some flicker of happiness in his eyes, but not at my expense. Blaise gave me a gentle smile and placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it softly. “I know that look. That’s the same look Rico always had whenever she looked at Ben.”

My eyebrows creased in confusion, but then the realization sank in. Ben had mentioned years ago that he was dating a girl in the Garrison—Rico Brzenska had been her name. I had never gotten around to meeting her or seeing with my own eyes how my brother looked at her. But judging by the way he spoke of her, I knew he loved her dearly.

“She stayed in Trost, after the fall. She wanted to make sure nothing like that ever happened again, so she focused on her training and her duties. She’s a tough one, I’ll give her that.” Another laugh escaped his lips, but this one was much more genuine than the first. “You guys would have gotten along, I’m sure of it.”

_I don’t know about that. I’m not very good at making friends. Levi and Hanji are the only exceptions._

“I…” I wanted to speak, but I was still hung up on what he had said. “I…I don’t love him…”

“Yes, you do.” This time, Blaise rolled his baby blue eyes. “I’ve _never_ seen that look on you, even when we were cadets. You obviously care about him, but the way you’re holding onto that cloak… Something tells me you’re more than ‘just friends’ with him.”

I didn’t want to talk about this now. Between the memories of Ben and the constant worrying over Levi’s condition, I didn’t want to attempt to sort out my feelings for him. I didn’t have the time to hope for something as juvenile as that, not when our lives were on the line.

“…So what if we’re close? We’re not like that, I promise.” I scoffed as I remembered our fight in his office a few nights ago. “He’s not looking for anything like that, I can tell you that.”

“Okay, fine.” But when I glanced at Blaise again, his face had become much more somber. My stomach flipped when the next words left his mouth: “But he saved you in Shiganshina that day, right?”

 _Why did I even tell him that? Why did I tell **Lieutenant Morris** about that?_ No one needed to know what happened that day—it was between me and Levi. And I had blurted it out to the whole Garrison of Utopia District like a fucking moron.

I didn’t want to relive that day, but I couldn’t stop the images from flowing into my mind. Everything passed by in a blur: the screaming citizens; the advancing Titans; Ben’s arms around me; the blood dripping from the base of his skull; the horror I felt watching my brother get eaten alive in front of me. I had spent so many days and nights trying to force the memories out of my head, but they wouldn’t leave me alone. Even when I was surrounded by my friends, the nightmares still plagued my mind. It didn’t matter if Hanji was snoring away loudly at the desk in her office while I helped Moblit file her paperwork, or I was curled up in the sheets of Levi’s bed, knowing he was in the next room over. No matter how safe I felt with them, they still couldn’t protect me from the sight of that Titan biting my brother in half.

My stomach churned as I thought how easy it would have been for one of those Titans to pluck me off of that roof and shove me into its mouth—for me to meet a fate similar to Ben’s. If I had died that day, how would Leyna and Ma have dealt with it? Now that I thought about it, my family had been broken up enough over losing one member to the Titans. How would they have reacted if they realized we had _both_ been killed? In a twisted sort of way, they had been spared some extra pain. Maybe I was putting myself up on a pedestal, but there was no doubt they would have been even more distraught if I had ended up dying alongside Ben.

_I guess I have Levi to thank for that, the damn bastard._

“He did,” I mumbled, my voice thick with unshed tears. “I hated him afterwards. I was convinced he could have saved both of us, but he only chose to save me. He didn’t even _know_ me, and he still came after me that day.”

There was no need to go into my entire backstory with Levi. Blaise didn’t need to know about our history with Isabel, Furlan, and Flagon and his squad. There were some bits of my past I preferred to keep to myself, that I didn’t want anyone to hear about. My last moments with Ben were an exception, considering the man beside me had been his best friend since our training days. He deserved that much, at the very least.

“But if it weren’t for him, I don’t think I would even be here today. And even though I wanted him to leave me alone, he still kept coming back to protect me. It was like he always had his eye on me, to make sure I didn’t get into too much trouble.”

I hated it at the beginning. I hated how he kept showing up wherever I was, like he was stalking me or something. But eventually, I grew out of it. I stared to _like_ the fact he protected me. I ended up looking forward to having him near me, because I knew he would keep me safe whenever Hanji and Leyna couldn’t.

_Am I going to have to live the rest of my life without him?_

A groan flew from my lips as I buried my face into the torn cloak again. By now, the bloodstains were starting to stink, and the overall scent of sweat and grime was beginning to overpower the beautiful pine and peppermint smell. I choked back my tears, determined not to cry in front of Blaise.

Who was I kidding? My personal feelings meant nothing when it came to the reality of this harsh, cruel world we lived in. No matter what, any affection I felt for Levi wasn’t enough to save him from a Titan’s jaws. It hadn’t saved Ben, or Charles, or Isabel and Furlan, or Rosalie and Emmett, or the hundreds of Scouts we had lost ever since I joined the Survey Corps. I was powerless when it came to death—I always had been. As much as I wanted to make a difference, I knew I couldn’t stop it from latching onto the ones I loved.

Levi was no exception.

“I don’t want him to be gone,” I said more to myself than the man beside me. My voice was muffled by the musky fabric, and my eyes were squeezed shut, desperately trying to keep the tears inside. “But…there’s no other way…”

_You can’t leave me behind. You promised me you would come back, so why didn’t you? Why did you have to insist on splitting up to deal with those Titans? You were injured, and you knew it! Why did you let yourself get carried away? Why didn’t we just stick together and take them out as a team?!_

It didn’t make sense for a soldier as powerful as Levi to go out that way, but then again, it didn’t make sense for _any_ soldier to suffer a similar fate. Nothing mattered once you found yourself sliding down one of those monsters’ throats. You could be the strongest soldier within the Walls and _still_ end up dying in the blink of an eye.

_No wonder you didn’t want to start a relationship with me. **This** is what you were afraid of, isn’t it? You were worried I’d have to go on feeling guilty if you somehow managed to die beyond the Walls. _

And like an idiot, I had disregarded those feelings. I didn’t realize losing a potential lover could hurt _so fucking much_.

When I lifted my face from the cloak, the icy air burned my cheeks. I reached up and grazed my fingers across the skin, flinching when I felt a wetness. I hadn’t realized I’d been crying.

“Mia…”

I could tell Blaise wanted to say more, but I was thankful he cut himself off before he could. Instead, he inched closer to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. Even though his warmth was nice, it was nothing compared to Ben’s or Levi’s.

I pulled the ripped cloak closer to my chest and snuggled closer to Blaise. As the two of us sat in silence, I kept my eyes on the dark snowy distance, waiting for any sign of life beyond the Wall.

|~|

I ended up falling asleep on Blaise’s shoulder at some point, and when I woke up, I found myself in the same hospital room I had been kept in. However, I still left as soon as I could and made it back to the spot at the edge of the Wall. I was alone this time, with the usual Garrison soldiers preventing me from wandering too close to the edge.

As I stared at the early morning sun shining on the sheets of snow below, I played with the frayed ends of the cloak in my lap. I was tempted to scrub out the bloodstains, but I was scared of washing away any remaining trace of Levi. It was the last connection I had to him at this point, and I didn’t want to say goodbye to it just yet.

The day passed slowly. Once in a while I would get up to stretch my legs, but I wouldn’t leave the edge of the Wall. Even as the guards stationed on top switched out, I stayed where I was. I knew Levi probably wasn’t coming back at this point, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave it. Maybe if I stayed here long enough, he would come riding up with Mischa.

But I was only trying to trick myself. He was gone, and there was nothing I could do.

Around noon, one of the Garrison soldiers came jogging towards me on the top of the Wall. When he got closer, panting heavily underneath the heavy winter coat he wore, I realized he had been part of the group of cadets Blaise had talked to the previous night, huddled around the fireplace. If I had to guess, he was part of his personal squad.

“Captain, you’re requested at the inner gate, in the lieutenant’s office, if you don’t mind.”

I raised my eyebrow. The urgency was evident in his voice, but I wasn’t in the mood to run around the district with the soldiers of the Garrison. “What is it?”

_Maybe Lieutenant Morris wants to chew me out again for wanting to go out beyond the Walls? If so, I’m not going to put up with that. I’ll just stay where I am, if that’s the case._

“Lieutenant Morris wants to see you.” _I knew it._ “The Commander of the Survey Corps has arrived.”

My heart leapt in my throat at the mention of Erwin. Was he here already? The thought of seeing him again gave me a sense of warmth. Apart from Levi, I hadn’t seen any other members of the Survey Corps since we departed from Utopia District. It was a relief to know he had returned safely.

But at the same time, my stomach churned. I didn’t want to face him when I knew I would have to break the news to him about Levi’s condition. While I didn’t want to believe he was dead, I knew there was close to no hope of him returning. With his injury and the frosty weather, I had serious doubts he had been able to make it through the night.

With a tight swallow, I allowed the cadet to lead me off the Wall and onto the lift below. As it crawled down the side of the Wall, rattling all the while, I kept Levi’s discarded cloak close to my chest. The cadet gave me a sideways look, but he kept his lips sealed. I was grateful he didn’t try to force any unnecessary conversation between us.

Now that I thought about it, I had probably looked like a madwoman yesterday, screaming at Lieutenant Morris. Not three hours after randomly showing up at the outer gate of Utopia District, I had begged her to let me go _back out there_ —which was something _no one_ in their right minds ever requested. Even a handful of Scouts didn’t want to go outside the Walls any more than they already had to. And now I was clinging to a dirty piece of green fabric, holding it as if it was my own flesh and blood.

The soldiers had a right to look at me with shifty eyes. Then again, I wasn’t about to march up to her and apologize for my behavior. She had still gotten under my skin, and I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of knowing she was right.

When the lift reached the ground, Blaise was already waiting for us. He gave me a soft smile, but I could see it falter as his eyes landed on the filthy, ragged cloak in my arms. I simply shrugged and ignored him. He could give me weird glances all he wanted—I wouldn’t give up this cloak so easily.

After dismissing the cadet, Blaise began to lead me toward the inner part of the district. But unlike the cadet I had just been with, Blaise felt the need to make me talk, even if I wasn’t in the mood. That was something I didn’t like about him, even if it came in handy sometimes. I wasn’t in the mood for any of his lectures today.

“I don’t know if Cadet Anderson told you, but Commander Erwin arrived a little while earlier. Lieutenant Morris just wanted to inform him about your condition before letting you see him.”

 _It’s not like she’s my superior or anything, so I don’t know why she feels the need to make these kinds of decisions for me._ “What condition is she talking about? I’m not delusional.”

“I never said you were,” Blaise chuckled, holding up his hands. But I could see the tension behind that smile of his. I was putting him on edge, like he was afraid I would snap at any moment.

_Just like how all those Scouts saw me after I lost Rosalie and Emmett._

“Anyway, I think it’s just a precaution. She doesn’t want to put too much on you at once. You did just come back yesterday, after all.”

 _Maybe you’re right_. But I would die before I admitted anything that woman did was right.

There was a spring in his step as we drew closer to the main Garrison building near the inner gate. I had never been in this specific one, but I had visited the ones in Shiganshina and Trost countless times before. They were constructed of white bricks and red roofs, to match the rest of the houses in the districts. However, this particular building had golden trimmings along the windows and doors, to show off the wealth of the citizens in the northern districts. The glass of the windows had been scrubbed to perfection, gleaming in the faint sunlight. Similar to the other Garrison buildings, two banners with the sigil of the twin roses were hung on each side of the entrance, matching the pattern embroidered on the back of Blaise’s jacket.

He pushed the door open, and the second we stepped in, the flames from the roaring fireplace on the left side of the building warmed me up. Although it was tempting, I didn’t remove my cloak or jacket. I would act professional whenever I was in front of Morris. I refused to give her any reason to reprimand me as long as I was in this district.

Blaise led me through the red hallways, to the right, and up the white staircase. Eventually, he stopped on the first door on the left and motioned me to follow him. He gave me a firm nod and didn’t open the door until I returned it.

_Let’s just get this over with._

Overall, Lieutenant Morris’ office was no different than Ben’s office back in Shiganshina. While it was a little bit bigger than the one my brother had occupied back home, it still followed the same layout. Her desk was pushed to the far end of the room, straight ahead, with five-drawer file cabinets on either side of her. A large bookcase sat behind her desk, neatly lined with books and leather folders. And sitting in the chair behind the mahogany desk was the lieutenant herself, glaring at me with cold blue eyes.

A lump formed in my throat when I saw Commander Erwin and Hanji standing in front of her desk. A smile broke out on my bespectacled friend’s face as she rushed forward and wrapped her arms around me. I returned the hug with a sigh, fisting my hands around the back of her light brown jacket.

For a moment, I didn’t care about acting professional in front of Lieutenant Morris, or Blaise, or even Commander Erwin. I had craved the touch of my best friend for the past three days, and finally, I was able to feel her heart beating against mine. I didn’t even care if her hair was slightly greasy, or the fact she was squeezing me so hard I could barely breathe. She was with me, and that was all that mattered to me.

“I’m glad to see you’re okay,” she said as she finally broke away from me. Her brown eyes glistened, but it was hard to tell if she was actually crying, thanks to the sunlight tinting her glasses. “How are you feeling? Does anything hurt? Have you been—?”

“Hanji, I’m fine. I’m not hurt, I promise.” I forced a smile, and thankfully, she seemed to take the bait. I was fine—I didn’t need her worrying over me too much. She had other things to concern herself with.

Erwin gave me a tight smile, but I could see the warmth in his blue eyes. For his reputation’s sake, he had to uphold his stern, no-nonsense image as a Commander in front of Lieutenant Morris. Nevertheless, the look in his eyes reminded me of home.

“I’m glad to see you unharmed, Wolf. We had honestly thought we lost you. It’s a relief to have you back with us again.”

“Thank you, Commander.” I couldn’t keep my face from heating up at his words. “But sir, I have to ask—about my squad—”

Another smile graced his handsome features. “The three cadets of your squad are safe and sound, back at the base. None of them were harmed during the expedition.”

I breathed out a huge sigh of relief. At least that was one weight off my chest. I had been worried sick about Reggie, Gretel, and Evan ever since we split up from them a few days ago. Knowing they were alive and well back at home was a tiny light in this darkness. At least I had something to look forward to upon returning to our base in Wall Rose.

But when I thought of my cadets, I also thought of Eld and Gunther. Had they made it back alive, as well? Were they waiting for Levi to return, just like my kids were waiting for me? Were they worried at all about his well-being, or were they positive he would make it home without so much as a scratch? How would they react when they learned he was dead?

“Commander… Captain Levi is still out there. I don’t know if he’s…” My mouth ran dry. I couldn’t say anymore; I knew if I did, I would only end up crying.

Hanji sucked in a sharp breath from her place beside me, especially when I tightened my grip on the torn cloak in my arms. Erwin’s face remained unchanged, but he gave me a firm nod. But before he could say anything, Lieutenant Morris leaned forward on her desk and raised her eyebrow at me.

“She insisted on leaving last night to chase after this soldier, but I refused to let her leave the district. I’m sorry, but I can’t risk my own soldiers on the words of a single captain that’s in over her head.” Her dull blue eyes hardened with each word she voiced, her mouth set in a tight line.

I opened my mouth to object, but Erwin cut me off with a sharp look. Turning back to Morris, he spoke in his usual calm and collected tone. “I understand, lieutenant. Now, if you’ll excuse us, I’d like to have a moment alone with my soldiers.”

_Wait, no! He can’t possibly be agreeing with her, right?! Erwin knows how valuable Levi is to the Survey Corps—no, how valuable he **was**. _

Before I knew it, Erwin ushered both me and Hanji out into the hallway. Blaise gave me a sympathetic smile before disappearing back into Lieutenant Morris’ office. Once we were all alone, Erwin spoke again, his eyes fixated on me.

“Wolf, do you believe he is still alive?”

Although I wanted to scream _yes_ until my throat was raw, I couldn’t ignore the facts any longer. I had seen the blood with my own eyes. I had ripped his cloak from the Abnormal’s teeth with my own two hands. I had ridden around in circles, shooting off flare after flare, but never receiving an answer in return. If he was still somehow alive, he would have given me a sign by now.

“…I don’t know…”

I didn’t want him to be dead. I wanted him to be back at my side, teasing me and flicking my forehead. I wanted to be in his office, curled up on the sofa with a book as he filled out the never-ending stack of paperwork on his desk. I wanted to be sitting in the mess hall with him, simply enjoying his company as the two of us ate our dinner, trying our best to ignore the stares of the soldiers around us.

I wanted him back, end of story. I didn’t care if that meant I loved him, in some weird way of mine. I would admit to anything if it meant bringing him back home to me.

“I see.” Erwin’s blue gaze turned to the brown-haired woman at my side next. “Hanji, what do you think?”

It took her a moment before she said anything. “As much as I don’t like it, we can’t rule out the possibility he may be gone. Sure, his strength is phenomenal, but we’ve seen too many soldiers perish at the hands of the Titans. That doesn’t mean anything; one wrong move, and it’s all over. Still…” Suddenly, her eyes were on me. “Mia, I know it’s hard, but think back to when you last saw him. What happened? Were you two together?”

I didn’t even have the energy to blush as I remembered spending the night with him, cuddled up in the ruins of Skoll Castle. “We were, but a group of Titans started chasing us. He insisted on splitting up and meeting back at the river afterwards, but I couldn’t find him…”

My fingers tightened around the bloody green fabric. When I met Hanji’s eyes, they had softened considerably. I was grateful she didn’t press for more information. The pain was still too fresh, and I didn’t want to revisit the memories any time soon.

The three of us stood together in silence, lost in thought. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, hugging the cloak close to me. The scents of pine and peppermint had all but vanished from the fabric at this point, no matter how hard I searched for them. They were gone—just like Levi.

“I would rather not underestimate his strength,” Erwin finally broke the silence. “Perhaps it’s no more than a hunch, but I don’t think he would let himself give up so easily. Maybe he’s still alive.”

My heart fluttered with hope. Erwin had a habit of taking risks, especially when it came to his strategies in battle. Apparently, he was willing to gamble on Levi’s will to survive, even against these odds. Although it was dangerous, I had to admire the man. He had been like this ever since I had met him, when Hanji and I first joined the Survey Corps.

“However, it’s far too dangerous to go beyond the Walls now, especially in this weather. The three of us wouldn’t last very long. Instead, we wait for him to come to us. We’ll give him the rest of the day, to see if he returns. If he’s not here by tomorrow morning, we will have no choice but to leave without him. Wolf, alert the soldiers at the top of Wall Rose. I will inform Lieutenant Morris of the situation.”

It wasn’t much, but it was more than I could have hoped for. With a hasty salute, I practically flew down the halls of the Garrison building, racing toward the door. When I stepped outside, the cold air only spurred me on.

_He’ll come back. He has to come back. You hear me, Levi? You have to come back to us. We need you—all of us._

|~|

By the time the sun began to dip down in the east, I still hadn’t seen any sign of Levi in the distance. I sat cross-legged on the edge of the Wall, with Hanji at my side. The two of us didn’t say much; our eyes were focused on the snowy distance before us.

Strapped to my body was a brand new harness, as well as a set of ODM gear. At Erwin’s request, Lieutenant Morris had begrudgingly allowed me to wear it as I surveyed the top of the Wall. Despite what she thought, I wasn’t about to jump down the Wall and search for Levi by myself. I was useless without a horse out there, and Edel was still tucked away in the stables of Utopia District, munching away at a bale of hay. I had to stay put—that was the agreement we had settled on.

I kept stealing glances at Hanji, who was perched on the Wall at my right side, fiddling with the frames of her goggles. I was tempted to tell her about everything that had transpired over the past three days—the prisoners, Naraka, the abandoned cabin, Skoll Castle, the fight at the river—but I knew it wasn’t the time. If I started talking, I would never shut up—and neither would she, if she was truly interested. And I knew the moment I mentioned the prisoners who attacked us, she would press me for every single detail about them. I had to save it for later, when we were back at the base. Besides, we couldn’t get distracted now. Not when Levi could appear at any moment.

However, that didn’t seem like the case. As much as I wanted to believe in Erwin’s gamble, and the possibility of Levi being alive, the rational part of my brain was screaming at me not to be an idiot. I had seen the evidence of his demise for myself, and I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high. I had done that too many times in the past, and I didn’t think I could deal with more heartache right now.

Hanji let out a heavy sigh, resting her chin on her fist. I could tell she wanted to say something, but maybe the sullen look on my face was holding her back. She wanted to talk about Levi, no doubt, but I didn’t want to get into that now. If I started talking about him, there was no doubt the tears would start falling.

_Come on, you have to be out there somewhere. You’re almost home. You can make it back, right?_

Another half hour passed in total silence. By now, Hanji was getting restless; she had started tapping her knee and mumbling incoherently to herself. She could never stay in one place for too long, no matter how urgent the mission was. She had to be on the move, constantly in action, or else she would grow bored.

“It’s almost fully dark,” she finally spoke after a while, pushing herself to her feet. “If he was coming back, I think he would have done so already.”

I expected her to say that, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. I swallowed the lump in my throat and followed her lead, trying to ignore the trembling in my legs. The ripped cloak was still wrapped around my arms, smelling of nothing but blood and dirt and snow. I would have to take it with me when we left for our base the following morning. At least we had _something_ left of him to bury when we got back.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Commander Erwin conversing with a group of Garrison soldiers. At the center of the circle stood Lieutenant Morris, her mouth set in that familiar tight line. Just looking at her made my skin prickle, but there was nothing I could do about it.

“Come on. We have to get some sleep before tomorrow.”

Hanji held out her hand to me, a pained smile on her face. Even though she was better at hiding her emotions than I was, I could tell she was hurting as much as I was. Levi had grown to be one of her dearest friends in the two and a half years she had known him. They were polar opposites, but watching them interact with each other was always an absolute joy—even when he decided to insult her.

Another lump rose in my throat. At least I wouldn’t be alone in my grieving. I had to be there for Hanji, just as she had to be there for me. We would help each other through it; we always had.

I didn’t know what made me look back at the land beyond the Walls. Perhaps I wanted to get one last look at the place I had lost him, or the river we had tried so hard to reach. Maybe I wanted to remind myself of what almost was.

The sun was barely scraping the horizon, bathing the snow in a gorgeous shade of red and orange. I took in the choppy waters of the orange-tinted river below us, and the faint gray clouds in the sky in the distance. Seeing so many bright colors reminded me of our night by the fireplace, staring at each other with the sparks flickering between us.

_Maybe this is for the best. Maybe I just have to carry your memory, like I do with Rosalie and Emmett. Like you did with Isabel and Furlan. Maybe I just need to—_

My heart nearly froze in my chest. I turned around fully and squinted my eyes against the reddish snow. A black speck was moving toward the Wall at a steady speed, following the length of the river, kicking up tufts of white in its tracks.

I blinked my eyes furiously, trying to decipher the shape. It was far too small to be a Titan, even a three- or four-meter one. In fact, it wasn’t moving on two legs at all—it was running on four—no, not running, more like… _galloping_.

It was a black horse, with a rider perched on its back. If I squinted my eyes even harder, I could see two silver bands on either sides of the rider’s legs. _The blade boxes—from the ODM gear._

The green cloak fluttered from my fingers. Before I even knew what I was doing, I was flying in the air, hearing Hanji’s incoherent screams behind me. I had jumped off the edge of the Wall.

I grabbed the handles of my gear from my waist and squeezed the triggers. The hooks shot out and embedded themselves into the stone of the Wall, jerking me upright. I planted my feet on the Wall and began to run down as carefully as I could, scaling the stone with my hooks holding me steady.

Finally, the reddish snow crunched under my boots, and I was running toward the rider. A cold sweat had enveloped my body; suddenly it felt too hard for me to breathe. But I had to keep moving. I had to see if it was actually _him_.

The rider rose up in the saddle, and I saw a flash of black hair in the sun’s gleaming rays. My throat was thick with tears as the horse slowed its pace, allowing me to see more of the man on its back.

_Is it really you? Or am I just seeing things?_

I heard the voices of the soldiers on the Wall, but I couldn’t make out their words. All I could focus on was the silver-eyed Scout before me.

The black mare came to a halt a few yards in front of me. Apart from a few scrapes and scratches on her flank, she was unharmed. But the man in the saddle was a different story. His jacket had been torn at the sleeves, his shirt rumpled and flaked with wet dirt. His face was swollen with exhaustion, and his skin was paler than I remembered. He slid out of the saddle and nearly toppled over the second his boots touched the ground below. The right side of his gray shirt was caked with blood—no doubt the stitches had come apart in the past few hours.

As if on instinct, my arms coiled around him, and I tugged him against my chest. I stood there, frozen, with my mouth hanging open. I rested my chin on his shoulder, feeling his chest rise and fall against mine. Through the rough material of his jacket, I could still feel his warmth on my fingers.

_Levi? Is this really you? I’m not dreaming, am I?_

_Please, tell me this is real. Please tell me you won’t disappear on me again._

My whole body was trembling as I leaned down to the hard planes of his chest. I pressed my ear to the left side. Immediately, the scent of pine and peppermint washed over my face.

_B-bmp, b-bmp, b-bmp._

His heart thrummed gently against my skin. It was slow and steady, but it was still there. He was here, in my arms, still breathing and his heart still beating.

_He’s still here._

I squeezed my eyes shut, twisting my hands up and around his shoulders. Tears were rolling down my cheeks at this point, and pitiful sobs slipped through my mouth. I buried my face in his shirt, searching for every inch of warmth I could.

He was here. He was alive. I wasn’t about to let him slip away again.

As he slumped against me, I could feel a soft weight rest on the back of my head. The sobs only worsened as he threaded his fingers through my hair, sliding his other hand underneath my cloak and resting it between my shoulder blades. He mumbled something against the top of my head, but I couldn’t make out the words through my sobs.

I held him in my arms, still feeling his heart beat against my ear. Even when the outer gate began to slide open behind me, or when I heard the footsteps of the approaching soldiers, I refused to let go of him, in case some other force decided to rip him away from me. I wouldn’t let that happen again.

_I promise I won’t let anything else happen to you. I promise I’ll protect you, just as you’ve done for me all these years. I won’t let anything else hurt you, I swear on my life._

|~|

They had taken Levi to the same hospital I had been in, and the nurses wasted no time in tending to his wounds. Thankfully, they didn’t protest to having me in the same room with him after they had cleaned him up. There was no way I was letting him out of my sight, not after what had happened between us in the last few days. I had just gotten him back, after all.

Just as I suspected, the stitches on his right side were torn open. It didn’t take long for the nurses to patch him back up. Once they had left him in a set of fresh clothes and warm white sheets, they left us alone in his room. Hanji and Erwin had been here earlier, but they had left a little while ago. Erwin had told me to alert them as soon as Levi had woken up.

Currently, he was wrapped up in the sheets, sleeping peacefully. I sat in the chair on the left side of the bed, watching his chest rise and fall slowly. He had lost quite a bit of blood over the past few days, but the nurses believed he would pull through. All he needed now was plenty of rest, and he would be back to normal in no time.

I wrapped my arms around myself, desperately fighting back the fresh wave of tears that threatened to spill. I couldn’t believe he was finally in front of me, alive and breathing. I had thought he was gone for good, along with the other soldiers we had lost on that horrid expedition. But now he was back with us, with me, and I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

How had he managed to survive? I had seen his bloody cloak in the Abnormal Titan’s mouth. How had he survived an ordeal like that? Why didn’t he respond to any of my screams or smoke signals? Did he encounter any more Titans after the group that had ambushed us yesterday morning?

I pressed a hand to my forehead, wincing as I felt a headache start to form. _By the Walls, did that only happen just yesterday? It feels like a lifetime ago already…_

I raised my head the moment the sheets shifted. My bottom lip found its way between my teeth as I watched Levi groan and adjust himself on the bed. A second later, his eyes fluttered open, and I fought the urge to sob in relief.

“You’re awake…”

I knew I was supposed to tell Commander Erwin he was awake now, but I wanted to savor this moment a little while longer. I wanted to have him all for myself, just for a little bit.

He gave me a tight smile, but it vanished as he winced in pain. His hand flew to his side, where the new stitches were embedded in his skin. He muttered a few curses under his breath before turning back to me. The moment his eyes met mine, I felt all the moisture in my mouth evaporate on the spot.

“Hey, kid.” That familiar rush of adrenaline ran through my body at the nickname. “How are you holding up?”

I nearly scoffed and rolled my eyes. “I’m the one who should be asking _you_ that. You’re the one who’s injured, you know. How are _you_ feeling?”

He shrugged his shoulders, biting his lip as he stretched out his side. “I feel like shit. Those stitches you put in me a while back ended up ripping. They had to put new ones in, didn’t they?”

“Yeah, but they should be healed in a few days.”

An awkward silence settled over us. I was tempted to ask him about what had happened after we split up, but I couldn’t bombard him with questions right away. The man had just woken up! I couldn’t do that to him, no matter how curious I was. I could save my interrogation for tomorrow, when he was feeling a little bit better.

He lifted himself up into a sitting position, keeping one hand on his stitched wound. I took the hint and stood up, propping up the pillows so he could sit up comfortably. When I was done, he leaned back into the fluffy material, sighing gently. All the while, he kept his silver eyes on me.

I didn’t want to stand next to his bed awkwardly (and I really didn’t want to go back to that uncomfortable chair), so I took a seat next to him on his left side. The bed squeaked under my weight, and it wasn’t long before a blush started forming on my cheeks. I waited for him to clear his throat, to speak up, to give me any sign he wasn’t okay with the close proximity—but no such warning came. I breathed out a sigh; I was okay, for now.

“How long was I out?”

“Not long. Maybe…not even an hour? You were in and out, though. …Do you remember anything from earlier?”

He hummed softly, resting his hand on the sheets next to mine. “Bits and pieces. I remember seeing the Wall in the distance, but after that…” He rolled his eyes, rubbing his temple. “It’s all a blur.”

I nodded, keeping my eyes away from his face. The longer I stayed sitting next to him, the worse my blush grew. I couldn’t be this close to him without remembering our time in Skoll Castle, when I had admired the scars on his body from my place in his lap. The last thing I wanted was to remind him of _that_.

“…I’m glad you’re back, though. You scared me.” I forced out a laugh. _This is going horribly, Wolf._ “You scared _all_ of us, actually. We all thought you were dead. … _I_ thought you were dead…”

I wasn’t smiling anymore. My eyes were glued to my lap as I chewed on my bottom lip furiously. All I could think about was how I had screamed and cried over the thought of Levi actually being dead. I had been so hopeful he was out there somewhere, on his way home to fulfill the promise he had made me before we split up. But at the same time, I couldn’t ignore the possibility he was dead, rotting away in a Titan’s stomach or bleeding out in the snow on the side of the river. I had been so conflicted, so terrified that he was gone and out of my life for good.

_Don’t worry about that now. He’s back, and he’s safe. Just be glad he’s home with you, safe and sound._

A soft chuckle flew past his lips, and suddenly, his hand was on my head, ruffling my hair. I fought back a smile at this; I didn’t realize how much I missed having his hands on me in the last few days.

“You won’t be able to get rid of me _that_ easily, Wolf.” He gave me a tired smile—much like the one he had given me a couple nights ago, when I held him in the ruins of Skoll Castle. “I’m not going anywhere. It’s going to take much more than a few shitty Titans to keep me away from you.”

_Wait, what did he just say?_

I knew he probably didn’t mean for it to sound so romantic, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t. Maybe it wouldn’t sound romantic to the average girl, or a wealthy noblewoman in the inner Walls. But to me? I was practically swooning. I gripped the edge of the bed with trembling fingers, praying I wouldn’t fall off in absolute shock. My face was hotter than it had ever been in my entire life, and realizing this only made it worse.

“What’s the matter with you?” I squeaked as he leaned closer to my face, raising his eyebrow at me. “Your face is all red; you look like you’re constipated.”

_Leave it to him to ruin something romantic with a shit joke. He really doesn’t know how to do romance, does he?_

Still, I couldn’t stop myself from blushing. I cleared my throat, my eyes darting around to every corner of the room. I had to look _anywhere_ but his eyes— _God, I can’t look into those eyes just yet_.

“Y-you don’t mean that, right?” It was a nice thought and everything, but reality had a special way of trampling on sweet, romantic promises like this one. You only had to look at Anna and Charles to see how the world treated innocent couples, lost in each other’s love. “I mean… So many people have died… And either one of _us_ can die, you said so yourself… So how can you—”

Another pathetic squeak leapt from my mouth as he rested his hand on the right side of my face. He turned my head and forced my eyes to meet his gorgeous silver gaze. At this point, I was surprised my face hadn’t burned itself off.

“I made a promise to you, Wolf. Remember?” I remembered it, all too well, in fact. “I promised I would come back, and I made sure I did. I promised I would keep you safe, and I intend to do so. I don’t make promises lightly, kid. I thought I told you that already.”

He had—multiple times at this point. But I had been too scared to take him seriously. Now, he had defied all odds and cheated death in order to return to me. I had to believe in him now, right?

His eyes dropped down to the sheets below, and his grip tightened on my cheek. If I didn’t know any better, I would say he looked nervous—but what could he be nervous about? I was the nervous wreck here, not him.

Suddenly, he tilted my head to the side, exposing the scar on the left side of my face. Before I could say anything, his mouth was on my cheek, his overgrown bangs brushing against my forehead.

_Wait, what the fuck?! He’s kissing me! I mean, not actually on the lips, but he’s kissing me on the cheek! **He’s** kissing **me**! _

It was over as soon as it happened, but it was enough to make me blush even harder than before. I was absolutely _elated_ , even if the act had been brief. He had put his lips on me—something I didn’t even think was possible since that little incident in my office, when he had given me my first love bite. And the satisfied feeling only grew when I saw him awkwardly look away, his face as red as mine.

“W-what was that?”

My goofy smile only grew as he turned his head away from mine, a dark shade of red settling over his face. His hand left my face and twirled itself into the sheets below, gripping it so tight his knuckles turned white.

“Just think of it as payback, for what you did to me yesterday morning.” My heart pounded furiously as I remembered kissing the scar that stretched from his neck to his shoulder. “But don’t get used to it, brat. I’m not into all that lovey-dovey shit, or whatever you call it.”

Maybe it was because I had never seen him so flustered before, or maybe it was the fact he had actually kissed me on the cheek, but something told me he was far from being a romantic. He probably wasn’t even aware of it, but he knew just what to say to make a girl feel special.

“…And wipe that fucking smile off your face!”

I didn’t hold back the laugh this time. I was tempted to tease him about the evident blush on his face, but I didn’t want to accidentally push him away. He was finally showing a bit of affection toward me, and I didn’t want to ruin this moment for anything in the world.

“Okay, okay, fine! I’ll stop it.” I reached over and placed my hand on his own, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I have to go let Erwin and Hanji know you’re awake, anyway.”

But before I could move, he had already flipped his hand and laced his fingers through mine. He tugged softly on my hand, pulling me closer to him on the bed. I glanced up at him just in time to see him roll his eyes.

“I don’t want them up my ass just yet—especially Shitty Glasses,” he added with a scoff. “Once she starts, she’ll never shut up.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right…”

He leaned back on the pillows, a soft sigh leaving his lips. He tugged on my arm again, pulling me over to him. To keep myself from falling on top of him, I pressed my other hand on the pillow beside his head, essentially caging him in my arms. My cheeks flared up at the suggestive position, as well as the glint in his silver eyes. My mouth stretched into another smile when I saw the beautiful shade of blue in his gaze. 

Everything came crashing down on me at that moment. The pain of losing him, of thinking he was dead, mixed with the anguish of never telling him how I felt, and the utter relief of seeing him ride up to the Wall on Mischa. Not to mention the flurry of emotions I had felt even before we were separated. It was all too much, and I couldn’t find enough words to say how I truly felt about him.

So instead of talking, I let my actions speak for themselves. I wrapped my arms around his neck and nestled myself into his collarbone, pressing a soft kiss to the exposed skin. A surge of tears fell from my eyes as his familiar pine and peppermint smell reached my nose.

“It’s good to have you back, Levi.”

He didn’t say anything, but by the way he held me close to him, with his arm draped over my back, I could tell he was just as relieved to be home as I was. Eventually, I fell into a dreamless sleep to the sound of his soft breaths, with the moon’s rays streaming through the nearby window and washing over the two of us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reunion between Levi and Mia was one of the earliest scenes I pictured when I first began outlining this story. It was definitely inspired by Mikasa's reunion with Eren in Sn 1, when he emerges from his Titan for the first time, as well as the song "Into the Sun" by Daniel Ciurlizza (which I only found out about thanks to the AoT parody "A Slap on Titan," which played it in the same scene- unrelated, but if you haven't watched it yet, I highly recommend it). At this point, I'm not even trying to shy away from all the parallels between Mia and the other characters of the show (most notably Eren and Mikasa). When designing Mia and her siblings, I decided to have Mia relate to Eren, Ben relate to Armin, and Leyna relate to Mikasa. But Mia shares a few similarities and feelings with Mikasa, and personally, I can't wait until they meet for real. (I mean, Mia watching her brother get eaten heavily mirrors Eren watching his mother die in the first episode. I'm not even trying to be subtle at this point, but oh well. I have no shame.) 
> 
> On another note, props to Levi for making a move! It's tempting for Mia to tease him about, but she doesn't want to ruin what they have between them so far. But we all know she loves the affection, and even though he doesn't show it, Levi enjoys giving it to her. Now that they're back together, they can focus on sorting out their feelings for each other. (And it's about time, too. These two are so incredibly slow...) 
> 
> Hopefully by July, I can start updating regularly again. The next group of chapters will be more plot-driven, so I'm excited and nervous at the same time. We'll see how it all works out though. Let me know what you guys thought of this chapter, and I'll see you at the start of July for the next one! :)


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the hiatus is over! (For the time being...) Thank you so much for sticking with me through this short break--I hope I can make up for my absence with this chapter. I'll break it down at the end, since I don't want to give anything away. I hope you guys enjoy! :)

|XXXVII|

The following day was a little slow, but it was a welcome change of pace. Erwin and Hanji were relieved to learn Levi had woken up, and just as we suspected, the bespectacled woman had bombarded him with questions about his time beyond the Wall. Eventually she cornered both of us and demanded to tell us everything, but we simply shook our heads and told her to wait until we got back to base.

It was pretty amusing to watch her cross her arms over her chest and puff out her cheeks in a pout. Even at twenty-six years old, she still had the capability to act like a child.

However, it appeared as though Erwin had other plans. Late in the morning the day after Levi had returned, he had told us the news: the Scouts were required to report to Mitras in the next few days, as soon as Levi was fit enough to travel. Now that the expedition was over and done with, and at least a third of our forces had perished beyond the Wall, the royal assembly wanted to meet with the superior officers of the Survey Corps.

“Excuse me?” I would have laughed at Levi’s exasperated expression if the situation wasn’t so serious. “What do those bastards want from us now? They have the nerve to send us out there, and now they want us to go back to them just so they can scream at us?”

“I know it’s an unfortunate situation,” Erwin said, keeping his voice calm, “but we don’t have much of a choice. We received word the day before Lieutenant Morris informed us of Mia’s arrival. Mike and Dita are already in Mitras, so we’ll be stopping there before we head back to our base. We shouldn’t be there for too long,” he added, smirking a bit at me and Levi, who wore matching glares on our faces.

Hanji was lost in thought, cupping her chin between her thumb and forefinger. “At least now we’ll be able to ask them _why_ they decided to send us out there in the first place. It doesn’t make any sense to have us trek north in the middle of winter. Almost every Scout is wondering the same thing, so they can’t skate around it forever.”

I wanted to know the reason for the royal assembly’s actions as much as any other Scout, but I wasn’t so keen on traveling to Mitras to find out. Not only did I want to deal with the antics of the nobles who ran the government, but I also didn’t want to run into Jax again. As far as I knew, he was still in Mitras, working as part of the royal assembly itself.

As soon as the words left Erwin’s lips, I could feel both Hanji’s and Levi’s eyes on me. Both of them knew I wasn’t too thrilled about returning to Mitras for that particular reason—but only Hanji knew the full story. But throughout the meeting, she kept her mouth shut, and she refused to bring anything up in front of Levi. I had to be thankful for that, at least.

Once the meeting was over and done with, I excused myself from the hospital room, claiming that I needed some fresh air. It wasn’t a total lie; the hospital tended to get stuffy after a while, and the nurses didn’t want us to open the windows because it was supposed to snow later in the day. My only option was to walk aimlessly around the district, enjoying the last bit of freedom I would have before heading off to Mitras. If all went according to plan, the nurses told Levi he could leave as soon as tomorrow—as long as he kept an eye on his stitches and didn’t push himself during training.

Just as I turned the corner and headed for the main door, I could hear another pair of footsteps hitting the floor behind me. A second later, Hanji was at my side, breathing heavily. She gave me a smile, adjusting the goggles on her face.

“Mind if I join?”

“Not at all.”

The two of us walked out of the hospital and into the snowy city. I knew she was bound to ask me about my opinion on our surprise trip to Mitras, but I didn’t let that bother me. Instead, I reached over and scooped her hand in mine, pressing my palm against hers. It had been too long since the two of us had a chance to wander the districts as friends, and I was going to enjoy it for as long as I could.

Utopia District was rather quiet this morning, with many of the citizens opting to stay inside their homes on this blustery winter day. The people who did wander the streets and manage the shops on the corners were bundled up in thick scarves and jackets lined with wool. When we passed them on the streets, I could hear a few of them mumbling about the “two Survey Corps captains” who had returned from beyond the Walls on their own. With a heavy heart, I remembered the days I would roam the marketplace in Shiganshina with Leyna and Ben, while our parents lingered close behind.

One particular stand was set up next to a small clothes store, with an elderly couple perched behind it. They seemed to be selling mugs of hot cocoa—a northern specialty in both Utopia District and Fuerth District. A group of patrons crowded the stand, holding the steaming mugs in their hands and trying to warm themselves up. Just the sight of the drink made me realize how thirsty I was, and suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to gulp one of them down.

However, the clothes store beside it had caught my eye, especially when I saw the warm jackets lined up in the windows. Seeing the shop made me think of Levi, and I realized that, apart from his torn military uniform, he would have close to nothing to travel to Mitras in. And I didn’t see him wearing the outfit the hospital had given him for another day or so, even if his life depended on it. His obsession for cleanliness and looking neat knew no bounds, and this was no exception.

_Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in a set of casual clothes. He’s always in his uniform—hell, he even **sleeps** in that thing sometimes! He deserves a better variety, even if it’s just one other outfit. _

I nudged Hanji with my elbow, jerking her attention from the hot cocoa stand. “Would you hate me if I asked to go in their real quick? Then I’ll treat you to some cocoa, if you want.”

I knew from personal experience that the owner of the shop would disapprove if we brought drinks or food in there (an unfortunate event with Leyna and Ben in Shiganshina had proved that for me), so we were better off saving the drinks after we had finished up in the store.

Thankfully, Hanji didn’t seem to mind. When I saw the understanding glint in her eye, I wondered if she had gone through a similar experience when she was a child, as well. “No problem! See anything you like?”

“Not yet… But it couldn’t hurt to look, right?”

I pushed open the dark mahogany door of the shop, chiming the little bell in the top corner of the doorframe. It was smaller than I expected, but it was cozy nonetheless. The floor was washed and polished, and the windows were shining in the sun. The walls had been decorated with pegs that held all kinds of different clothing: jackets, shirts, trousers, and even a few stockings here and there. There were a couple shelves toward the center of the room, brandishing neatly-folded shirts and pants that didn’t seem to fit on the pegs in the walls. In the furthest corner of the store, away from any fabric, was a small fireplace, which was giving off an immense amount of heat.

Due to the smaller size of the store, it didn’t take me long to find the men’s section. I could feel Hanji’s brown eyes on me as I weaved through the shelves and racks, gazing at the selection of outfits on the wall in front of us. Eventually, I heard the top of her boot tapping against the floor.

“Why’d you bring us over to _this_ section, Mia?” I didn’t have to look at her to know she was smirking like a maniac. “I thought you were looking for stuff for you…not for your little boyfriend.”

I was surprised when I didn’t feel a blush forming on my face. After all the shit Levi and I had gone through in the past few days, her light teasing didn’t seem as intimidating as it used to. So I simply shrugged my shoulders and retrieved a white button-down shirt from the back of one of the pegs. Apart from the color, it looked identical to the ones Levi always wore, so I was sure he wouldn’t mind if I got it for him.

“He’s not my boyfriend, Hanji. We’re just friends.”

“Uh-huh, _sure_ you are,” she drawled out. Her face was suddenly next to mine, and I fought back the urge to squeal as she beamed at me. “There’s no way nothing happened between you two out there. You guys were all alone— _something_ must have happened! I mean, you were _sleeping_ on each other last night when I walked in!”

This time, I could feel my cheeks heat up. Hanji had woken the two of us up last night when she wandered into the room to tell me visiting hours were almost up. Upon seeing me passed out and snuggled up against Levi’s neck, she was now convinced the two of us were officially an item. But she couldn’t be further from the truth.

“I’m telling you, nothing happened between us. We didn’t exactly have the time to dwell on that, you know.” Between getting attacked by those prisoners, finding Skoll Castle, and dealing with those Titans, we didn’t really have much time to sort out the mess that was our relationship. The closest we had gotten was cuddling in the abandoned cabin for warmth, and falling asleep on the floor of the castle.

_Oh, and don’t forget you fawning over the scars on his body, Wolf—all while sitting in his lap._

The thought only made me blush harder. And unfortunately, it didn’t go unnoticed by the bespectacled woman before me.

“Then why are you buying stuff for him, huh? Isn’t that something only couples do for each other?” I rolled my eyes before peeking at the tag sewn on the back of the shirt. _Good, it’s a men’s small. That should work for him_. “You know the hospital can give him some extra outfits, right? You don’t have to buy that stuff for him.”

“Maybe, but I _want_ to. Besides, it’s not that big of a deal. We’re friends, I can buy him things if I want to. I buy you stuff all the time!”

“Yeah, but it’s different with him. You don’t look at me the way you look at him—all sad and in love and all that.”

I froze, my hands curled around a pair of black trousers. Was it really _that_ obvious? Whenever I was with Levi, was it clear that I wanted more from him? I had thought it was bad if he could tell, but did that mean Hanji and anyone else who had seen us together could tell, too? Was I really that bad at masking my emotions?

“Yeah, well, whatever.” I shook my head and draped the trousers across my left arm, right over the white shirt. “Are you feeling left out, then? Do you want me to look at _you_ that way instead?”

That made her laugh. “No thank you! I’m just saying, you might wanna be a little more discreet when you’re around each other. The last thing I want to do is walk in on you two doing something… _suggestive_.”

“Hanji, stop!” I almost swung my arm at her, but the store was crowded enough already. I would only end up hurting myself if I tried.

A comfortable silence settled over the two of us. As I browsed the selection of jackets on the wall, Hanji busied herself with admiring the set of women’s clothing at the opposite end of the store. While I loved my best friend dearly, it was a little hard to get stuff done when she was constantly breathing down my neck.

Finally, I found what I was looking for: a black jacket with lapels and three matching buttons down the center. It was longer than the jackets we wore with our uniforms, and it was a little bit fancier, as well. There was a pocket on the left breast and three silver cufflinks on the end of each sleeve. A blush settled over my face as I thought of how handsome he would look in it—along with that cravat of his, of course.

_Ugh, maybe Hanji was right. Maybe I **am** too obvious for my own good. _

It didn’t take long for me to gather the items and bring them to the counter to check out. The woman was nice enough, and I was grateful she didn’t ask any questions about my supposed return to Utopia from outside the Walls. I was still wearing my military jacket, so it wasn’t hard to identify me as a Scout.

When I gave her the money, she held up the jacket and shirt. “Would you like me to wash these before you take them home? It would be free of charge, of course.”

I was going to decline, but then I remembered the man I was planning on giving these clothes to. If they weren’t freshly laundered by the time he got his hands on them, I might as well have not even bothered buying them. “Sure, that sounds nice. How long would it take?”

“Only about two hours. The fire’s quite strong today, if you couldn’t already tell,” she added with a chuckle.

I gave her a smile and handed them over to her. She disappeared with them in the back room, but not before reminding me to come back in a little while. Feeling satisfied, I pulled Hanji out of the shop and over to the hot cocoa stand.

Once I paid for our drinks, the elderly man handed them off to us with a smile. Then, without a word, I traded my mug for Hanji’s, and the two of us began to sip from each other’s mugs. It was a weird little ritual the two of us had shared ever since our cadet days. Whenever we bought something for the two of us to share, whether it was food or drinks, we would trade them with each other before digging in. To an outsider, it seemed rather odd, but to us, it made perfect sense.

“Now, about the trip to Mitras…”

I cleared my throat, nearly sputtering on my drink. The rich, hot liquid was suddenly too much for me at the mention of the capital. “What about it?”

She shrugged her shoulders and turned away from me. Suddenly, she seemed much more interested in the cup of cocoa she clutched in her hands. “I know you’re probably not looking forward to it…”

I didn’t have to ask her to know what she meant by that. We both knew Jax would be there, and there was no way of avoiding him. I hadn’t seen him in almost eight months—not since our previous trip to Mitras last summer. The best I could do at this point was to avoid eye contact and ignore him as much as possible. I didn’t want to draw suspicion from anyone around us—and that went double for Leyna and Levi.

“It can’t be helped, just like Commander Erwin said.” But there was an edge to my voice, and my fingers were starting to burn under the pressure of the hot drink in my hands. “The sooner we get there, the sooner we can get out and get home.”

Only a few people were on the streets in this corner of the district. We passed multiple cottages with gleaming red roofs and shiny silver windows. A couple of homes had kids running around outside, throwing snowballs at each other, while their parents did their best to clear themselves a path from their front door to the nearby streets. My throat clenched as I watched a young girl being chased by her brother, whose brown hair tinted red in the sunlight. With a tight swallow, I gulped down another mouthful of my hot cocoa.

“Mia…”

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Of course Hanji would interrogate me about this now. We were away from the other Scouts, away from the majority of the citizens of the district. She was free to talk about Jax all she wanted right now—it was just the two of us. And if I knew her, she wouldn’t waste a single second in getting to the point.

“Yes, Hanji?”

Her eyes slanted from behind her goggles. “When are you actually going to tell somebody about him? It’s been…how long now? A decade? Maybe even longer? You have to report him or something!”

“And who would I report him to?” It took everything I had to not snap at her. I could see where she was coming from, but at this point, all of her begging was just redundant. “He’s part of the _royal assembly_. It happened _years ago_ , Hanji. It’s not worth bringing up at this point. But I’ve moved past it by now; there’s no need to make a big deal out of it.”

She froze in her tracks and gave me the saddest look I had ever seen. If I didn’t know any better, I would say there were tears pricking the corners of her eyes. My face burned with shame as she stared me down, gripping her mug with trembling fingers.

“Are you even _listening_ to yourself? Mia, I don’t care how long ago it was—he still hurt you, and he deserves to pay!”

I knew it was pointless to argue with her. No matter what I said, her mind would remain unchanged. So instead, I shook my head and continued on my way, sipping my mug in silence. A moment later, I heard her boots crunching in the snow behind me, and she quickly took her place at my side.

“Maybe you can bring it up to the nobles at the next meeting. I can arrange for you to see them before the Scouts get together—”

“Hanji, I said no.”

Besides, it was highly unlikely the nobles would concern themselves with my well-being and personal matters. They already saw me as less than human, since I was part of the Survey Corps, and they didn’t tend to take our feelings into consideration. And even if Hanji managed to get them to listen to me, what would happen, now that Jax was part of the assembly? Would they take appropriate action against him, or would they see it as an inconvenience and simply brush my account aside? Surely they had more important matters to dedicate their time and energy to, rather than an accusation from a random soldier about an event that happened over a decade ago.

Overall, it wasn’t a very strong case. As far as I could tell, nothing good could really come of it, so it was best to just brush it aside and forget about it. If I happened to see Jax, I would simply look the other way. We didn’t see each other much anyways—what harm could he do to me while he was in Mitras and I was at our base in Wall Rose?

Still, Hanji refused to back down. “Then if you won’t tell one of the higher-ups in Mitras, at least tell Leyna about it. She deserves to know.”

The hot cocoa in my stomach began to churn. The thought of telling my sister I was nearly raped— _twice, don’t forget about those prisoners outside the Walls_ —was absolutely terrifying. Leyna could be unpredictable when she wanted to be, and if she found out what Jax had nearly done to me that night, there was no telling what she could do to him. She could end up not only hurting herself, but her fellow soldiers, including Sara, Emil, and the rest of her personal squad in the King’s Guard. She didn’t need to deal with all of that.

“No, just drop it. She doesn’t need to hear about that.”

This earned me an exasperated groan from the woman beside me. “Oh, come on! You can’t keep this all to yourself forever, Mia! Think about it—she deserves to know what’s going on with you. I mean, you’re _sisters_ , for God’s sake! If something like that had happened to her, wouldn’t you want her to tell you?!”

I squeezed my eyes shut. It wasn’t a fair comparison, and Hanji had to know that deep down. I knew for a fact that what had happened to me would have never happened to someone like Leyna. She would have known something was up right away, and she would have never given him the opportunity to pin her down. She was a master at hand-to-hand combat, as well, so she would have no problem in turning the tables on him. And judging by her no-nonsense attitude, she would have pummeled him with her own fists the second she got the chance. She wouldn’t have put anything off; she would have settled everything right then and there.

But I wasn’t Leyna. I was far from being even remotely similar to my sister. The only thing we had in common was the pair of wolf necklaces we wore, given to us by our aunt Sophia in Ehrmich District when we were children. But that’s where the similarities came to a grinding halt. I wasn’t nearly as strong or smart as Leyna, even if I had ranked right behind her and Ben in our training days. I was a distant third behind both my siblings—I didn’t have Leyna’s speed or natural abilities as a leader, nor did I have Ben’s strength or strategic mind.

I hadn’t even been strong enough to fight off Jax the night he had attacked me. I had frozen up; I couldn’t move either my arms or my legs. When I finally could, all of my strength from my training days seemed to vanish, and I wasn’t even able to push him off of me. I had taken down multiple opponents during our hand-to-hand combat sessions, but I couldn’t remember any techniques when Jax was the one attacking me. I had been so useless that Hanji had to be the one to rush in and save me at the last minute. Even when my well-being—and virginity—were in danger, I was still too weak to fight for myself.

_And it happened again with those prisoners that attacked you. Don’t forget, it’s not just Jax that tried to take advantage of you._

I gazed aimlessly at the half-empty mug of cocoa in my hands. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so thirsty anymore.

“Leyna wouldn’t have let it happen in the first place.”

With a shudder, I forced myself to gulp down the rest of the drink before passing the empty mug off to Hanji. Before she could object, I tightened the black scarf around my neck and headed off in the opposite direction, further into the district. I made sure to keep my pace brisk and even, just so she couldn’t catch up with me. For now, all I wanted was to be alone with my thoughts.

I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my jacket. I didn’t want to admit it, because I knew no good would come of dwelling on it, but Hanji’s words had rattled something in me. I didn’t blame her for not understanding—she was just trying to help in the best way she knew how. But sometimes she was just a little too carefree with her words.

Why hadn’t I reported Jax right after our graduation ceremony? That would have been the best time to do so—not eleven years _after_ the incident happened. But I had never felt the need to, especially when I realized he had disappeared from my life forever. I simply shoved it into the back of my mind and tried my best to ignore it. It was over and done with, and although it scared me, nothing major had happened to me in the end. So I just shrugged it off and continued on with my life.

But now that I knew where Jax was and what he had been doing recently, what with the royal assembly in Mitras, I couldn’t shake myself of this cold, dark feeling in the pit of my chest. For some reason, I had a feeling something horrible was about to happen. Something I couldn’t control—something I couldn’t avoid, no matter how hard I tried. And it was different than the usual dread I felt before we departed for an expedition beyond the Walls. At least with those I had some form of control—but for this, I felt powerless.

What’s the worst Jax could do to me now? We lived miles away from each other, and even with his level of authority and his position in the royal assembly, I didn’t see him going out of his way to try to make my life a living hell. He still had responsibilities with the other nobles, so I figured he didn’t have much free time to begin with. If that was all true, then why did I feel sick to my stomach?

I pulled the sides of my jacket closer to me, a groan slipping past my lips. I thought I had gotten over what he had done to me—so why was it still affecting me? The whole thing had happened over a year ago, and it was highly unlikely he would try something like that again. As long as I made sure I was never left alone with him, and as long as I had either Hanji, Leyna, or Levi with me, I knew he would leave me alone.

Still, I couldn’t shake the fear that he was planning something. I knew it was irrational, but I couldn’t help but let my mind run rampant with possibilities. He had destroyed any trust I had in him the night he had pinned me down, and because of that, it was difficult to _not_ imagine him trying to take advantage of me like that again. He still had so much control over me, and it infuriated me to no end.

When would I finally be able to sleep at night without seeing his face in my dreams? When would I be able to shove his memory aside every time a soldier, male or female, reached for me to pat me on the back or wrap an arm around my shoulders? I had only just started getting comfortable with being physical with Levi, but even that was a stretch sometimes. I was still jittery at the thought of anyone other than Levi, Hanji, Leyna, and maybe even Erwin, Mike, and Blaise touching me even in a friendly manner.

_Why am I not strong enough to look past all of this? Why can’t I just put it aside and move on in my life? Why does this always have to come up and bother me?_

I rubbed my temples and sighed heavily. Maybe I was just overreacting. Maybe I was putting way too much thought into this. Maybe Jax barely even acknowledged my existence anymore, and even though I doubted he had changed at all in the years following our graduation, maybe he felt _some_ kind of remorse for what he had nearly done to me.

Oh, well. I couldn’t dwell on it too much, or else I would just get upset. With a shake of my head, I hiked up my scarf and continued down the main road of the district, trying my best to ignore the upcoming trip to Mitras.

|~|

For the next hour or so, I wandered around the rest of the district, stopping at various shops and stands along the way. Hanji didn’t meet up with me, so I assumed she ended up going to either the hospital or the Garrison headquarters. Believing that was the case, I made sure to steer clear from those buildings. I didn’t want to hear another lecture from her.

Instead, I paid a short visit to Edel and Mischa in the stables near the inner gate of Utopia. I didn’t want to linger there for too long, especially if I was going to pick up the fresh new clothes at the shop soon, but it didn’t hurt to say hello to them. Besides, I had to see if they were fit to travel in time for tomorrow morning.

My silvery gelding snorted happily when he saw me, and he began nudging the stall door in excitement as I got closer. Thankfully, he seemed to be doing well. The scratches on his side had healed, and he was much warmer, now that he had a thick brown blanket draped along his neck and back. Mischa looked the same, although the gash on her flank still needed time to heal. But when I asked the nearby stable hand about it, he told me that she would be clear to travel, as long as she moved at a moderate pace. The gash didn’t need stitches, since it would heal on its down, but there was no need to cause any additional bleeding.

After giving both horses a pat on their necks and a kiss on their snouts, I headed back toward the center of the city, looking for the small clothes store I had been in with Hanji earlier. I found it in almost no time, with the elderly couple still selling mugs of hot cocoa outside. I flashed them a smile before stepping into the tiny clothes shop.

If anything, the fire had only grown stronger in the hour I had left. When I peeked around the shelves of clothing, I saw the familiar back door the woman in charge had disappeared through. Behind the wood I heard her humming a light tune, and I could only assume she was lost in her work.

To pass the time, I started looking at the selection of women’s clothing. I had no intention of buying anything for myself, since I didn’t really have a need for fancy clothes at the base. I was perfectly content with the three outfits I had back at home; I didn’t have an urge to waste money on fancy dresses and lacy blouses that I knew I would never wear more than once. The only piece of fancy clothing I did have in my closet was a red and white dress, which I only wore whenever we were dragged to the parties the nobles liked to throw in Mitras. It was plain and simple, and nothing like the dresses the noblewomen wore to those events. Even Leyna wore a different dress to each ball she attended—while I decided to wear the same one over and over again.

My chest tightened at the thought of seeing Leyna again. I knew she would be furious when she learned I had been stranded outside the Walls for a few days—even more so when she found out I was with _Levi_ , of all people. And I didn’t even want to know what she would think when she found out about the prisoners that attacked us—and what they had almost done to me.

I ran my hands up and down my arms, suppressing the urge to shudder. I didn’t need to think about that now, especially when I was still worked up over Jax. I would cross that bridge when I came to it.

Eventually, the door behind me opened, and the woman from earlier stepped into the main room of the shop. A smile graced her features as her eyes met mine. “Oh, you’re already here! That’s good. I have your clothes ready to go—just give me one second!”

Not even a moment later, she came back outside with a small white parcel, tied up with a thin brown string. Through the fabric, I could see the shirt, pants, and jacket folded up and stacked on top of each other neatly. I gave her a smile as I clutched the parcel to my chest.

“Thank you so much, ma’am. Are you sure I can’t pay you extra for this?”

“Oh, I’m quite sure,” she answered with a shrug. “It’s my pleasure, young lady. And thank _you_ for stopping by today.”

Once we said our goodbyes, I headed out of the shop and back toward the hospital. With every step that carried me closer to my destination, I could feel my heart pounding faster and faster. The anticipation of seeing Levi again was almost enough to drive me crazy.

_I **really** hope he likes these clothes…_

“Hey, Mia!”

At the familiar male voice, I turned to the side and waved to the newcomer. Blaise jogged over to me, his face slightly red from the sprint he had just made. I could see his breath coming out in hot puffs in the chilly winter air.

He sent me a smirk the moment his eyes landed on the parcel in my arms. “Oh, looks like _someone’s_ been shopping. Wanted to treat yourself after the last few days?”

I couldn’t stop the blush from rising on my face. “Not exactly. I’m not really into that kind of stuff.” I jerked my head to the side, in the direction of my destination. “I’m actually on my way back to the hospital. Wanna come?”

If I happened to run into Hanji on the way to the hospital, I knew she wouldn’t press me about Jax if Blaise was with us. Like my brother and sister, he had no idea that we used to date, and therefore he was clueless about my history with him. In a twisted kind of way, he was my shield against Hanji’s interrogation methods.

“Sure! I have a bit of time to kill before I have to meet Lieutenant Morris anyway…”

I couldn’t help but grimace at the woman’s name. I wondered how she felt, now that Levi was safe and sound behind the Walls. I wondered if she felt any kind of remorse for keeping me from going out there to find him, when I knew he was still alive. I wondered if she felt guilty at all for doubting his determination to survive.

But then, I wondered whether or not it affected her at all. Maybe she just shrugged it off and felt relieved that none of her Garrison soldiers had been harmed in his return. Whatever she felt, it wasn’t my business. I wanted to get out of Utopia District and as far away from that woman as I could. After this, I never wanted to see her face again.

Blaise and I walked down the street that would lead us to the hospital. All the while, we made small talk about how our days had gone so far. He seemed relieved when I told him Levi was awake and would be healthy enough to travel by tomorrow morning, but he also seemed saddened when I told him about our mandatory trip to Mitras to meet with the assembly.

“So you’re leaving tomorrow, huh?” He pushed the door open, and the two of us stepped into the main lobby. “That’s a shame… I don’t know when we’ll be able to see each other again.”

A lump formed in my throat as his words sank in. Seeing Blaise in this short period of time had given me a miniscule sense of security, especially after the events of the past few days. Watching him smile and listening to him speak reminded me of all the good times we shared together as cadets—and all the days we spent as friends, when my brother was still alive.

I couldn’t explain it, but it felt like Ben was watching me—but through Blaise’s eyes instead of his own. I felt closer to him when he was around, similar to how I felt my father’s spirit whenever I was alone in my office, reading through his own journal.

“I don’t know if the nobles are planning to send us back out through Utopia District after this whole mess. I guess we’ll find that out tomorrow,” I added with a roll of my eyes. But no matter how sassy I forced myself to act, I couldn’t mask the sadness I felt at the thought of not being able to see Blaise for a while.

Eventually, the two of us reached Levi’s room at the end of the hall on the right. The door was closed all the way, but it was unlocked when I twisted the knob. Before I stepped in, though, I turned back to Blaise, who gave me a sad smile.

“You coming in?”

“No, I’m good. No offense, but your friend kind of scares me…”

I did my best to stifle the laugh that threatened to slip out. “Maybe, but he’s not so bad, once you get used to him.”

“Of course, you would say that. You _are_ in love with him, after all.”

My smile vanished as he smirked at me. “No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

But before I could say anything, he pulled me into a tight hug, mindful of the parcel in my arms. I returned it as best I could with only one arm, nuzzling my face into his shoulder.

Before he pulled away, I could feel his breath ghosting over my ear: “I’ll see you soon, Mia. Have a safe trip to Mitras.”

I squeezed my hand around his shoulder and returned his smile. “See you soon, Blaise. Stay in touch, okay?”

“Okay.”

A few seconds later, I was watching him walk down the hall and back to the main lobby. A weight had settled on my chest as I saw him disappear out the front door and out of my sight. I didn’t know if I would ever see him again—realistically speaking, it was highly unlikely, due to my position in the Survey Corps. But despite all of that, I couldn’t help but hope I would see him again in the near future—even if it meant taking another trip to Utopia District.

As softly as I could, I turned the knob and opened the door. But as I stepped inside, I realized I was the only one in the room. Although the bed was slightly messy, with the sheets pulled down halfway, Levi was nowhere to be found.

The sound of running water in the next room quelled my panic just a little bit. _He must be in the bathroom._ With a sigh, I shrugged off my jacket and draped it over the chair next to his bed. The parcel stared back at me from the cushion on the seat. The longer I looked at it, the faster my heart thrummed against my ribcage.

_What if he doesn’t like the outfit I got him? What if he gets mad that I spent money on him? I know he doesn’t like me doing that, but surely he won’t mind if I tell him it’s a gift, right? Besides, he needs new clothes. He can’t keep wearing **just** his military uniform for the rest of his life! _

Suddenly, the bathroom door swung open, and the man in question stepped out. He didn’t even seem surprised to see me already in the room, which confused me a bit. It was almost as if he was expecting me to visit him.

He was dressed in a white shirt and gray trousers—the same outfit the nurses had dressed him in last night when he returned. Although his skin was dry, his hair and face were sopping wet. Wordlessly, he grabbed a white towel from the foot of the bed and began to dry himself off, all the while ignoring me.

I’ll admit it, I was a little hurt. I cleared my throat and gave him a smile, although it was a little forced. “How are you feeling?”

He shrugged before folding the towel longways and draping it over the back of his neck. “A little better. You?”

“…I’m okay.”

His voice was cold and clipped, which wasn’t unusual for Levi, but it still made me frown. I thought we were past this stage—I thought that, with everything we had been through in the last few days, he could talk to me like a friend, and not just another soldier. Was I already back to the drawing board with him?

“Hey, are you okay?” My face flushed as he raised an eyebrow at me. “I mean, I don’t know… You just look a little stressed out… You alright?”

_Please, don’t be afraid to talk to me. I’m here if you need me, and I always will be._

“I’m fine. It’s _you_ I’m worried about.”

I blinked, my eyebrows knitting together. “What do you mean?”

He rolled his eyes before sitting on the edge of the bed. I watched him like a hawk, waiting for him to speak. Finally, he lifted his eyes and stared right into my own, pinning me in place with those burning silver hues.

“I know you’re not thrilled about tomorrow.”

I felt my chest deflate a little. “Ugh, is this about the trip to Mitras? Please don’t start that again, I already got an earful from Hanji about it.” I leaned against the wall and crossed my arms over my chest, barely resisting the urge to pout. I knew he didn’t like pouting. “I’ll deal with it, end of story. The sooner we get there, the sooner we can be done with it.”

I knew he was only fishing for an excuse to talk about Jax. While he didn’t know the full story about what had happened between us, he did know we had an unpleasant history with each other. Ever since our last trip to the capital, he had been respectful and minded any boundaries I had about my past relationship with him. He hadn’t asked too many questions, and he had decided to let me tell him about it in my own time, which I was immensely grateful for.

But now, it seemed like he had reached the end of the line. He was much more observant than I gave him credit for, and judging by how I had acted around Jax the last time we were in Mitras, he was right to assume something like that would happen again. I had been a nervous wreck around Jax last time, but now that I knew where he was, he couldn’t take me by surprise. I would be ready to see him this time.

However, that did nothing to quell his interest in my past love life.

“I know you don’t want to see that bastard any more than you have to,” he began in a surprisingly soft voice. “Stay close to me, and if I’m not there, stay by Hanji. I won’t let him near you, Wolf.”

I was touched by his concern for me. He wasn’t the greatest at showing any emotion other than anger, boredom, and maybe pride once in a while. Knowing that he was willing to protect me and let me know of it upfront gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling in the middle of my chest. He may not know it, but he knew just what to do to make me feel safe and secure.

“Ah… Well, thank you, I guess…” _Come on, Wolf! You can do better than that! Don’t sound so pathetic!_ “I… I really appreciate it.”

He only hummed in response before dragging the towel across his hair again. Before I could think of anything else to say, to ease the tension between us, he was already asking me another question: “One of the Garrison soldiers stopped by earlier. He was asking for you.”

I quirked an eyebrow. Was he talking about Blaise? Did he stop by here before meeting up with me earlier outside the clothes shop?

Those silver eyes were still boring into me. “Tall, blond hair, wouldn’t shut up—ring any bells yet?”

I tried to hide my smile behind my palm. _Yeah, that sounds like him_. “It was probably Blaise. He graduated the same year Hanji and I did. We were actually cadets together.”

Something flashed in his eyes—but he was looking away from me before I could question it. It was subtle, but I caught his fingers tightening around the towel in his lap. My smile began to fall when I realized it was because I had mentioned Blaise.

_Did he actually talk with him? No, Blaise would have told me if he did. Besides, what do they have to talk about? They barely know each other, and Blaise even told me that Levi scares him a bit._

“Anyway, he probably just wanted to see me one last time, before we head out tomorrow. We met up with each other on my way back, actually.”

“Yeah, I saw.”

I was taken aback at the harsh tone he had taken on. His knuckles were becoming white as he gripped the towel even harder, and when I took a step toward him, he turned away from me, his face twisted in a terrifying scowl. I froze in my tracks, staring at him with my lips parted.

_What’s wrong with him? Did he happen to see me and Blaise walking together just now? If so, is he upset about that? But why? They don’t even know each other that well!_

“What’s your problem?” It was a struggle to keep my voice at a normal volume. Why was he acting like such a jerk?

“Nothing,” he spat, still avoiding my eyes. “You just seemed so comfortable around him.”

“Well, yeah, _duh_. Why wouldn’t I be? We’ve known each other for—”

It hit me like a bolt of lightning. I glanced at Levi’s hands, curled up into fists on his lap on top of the towel. My eyes trailed up to his face, where a light blush had begun to settle over his cheeks.

_Is he **jealous**? _

“Wait a minute, you think we’re _together_?! No way!” I shuddered at the thought of dating my brother’s best friend. “He’s my friend! We’re not dating or anything, if that’s what you think.”

He still refused to look me in the eyes, but I could see his shoulders lowering slightly at my words. “Are you sure about that? You seem awfully close.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” By the Walls, I had no idea the great Captain Levi was capable of getting jealous like this. While it was infuriating, it was also a little exciting. So I decided to be a little daring, and I shot him a smirk. “What, are you _jealous_ or something?”

This time, he looked me in the eyes and gave me his fiercest glare. “Don’t get any ideas, Wolf.”

“Okay, fine!” I held up my hands and smiled. “I’ll stop teasing you.” _Even though it’s pretty fun._ “Anyway, he doesn’t see me like that, and I don’t like him that way, either. Besides, it would be too weird.” I clasped my hands behind my back, twisting them together. “He _was_ Ben’s best friend, after all. I just don’t see myself liking him in that way.”

He stiffened at my deceased brother’s name. I bit my lip, wondering if I had said the wrong thing again. The last thing I wanted to do was to push him further away from me.

“He mentioned that, too.”

 _So they **did** talk to each other_. “…About what? Ben? They used to be friends, but…” _Why would Blaise mention that to someone he didn’t even know that well?_

Levi suddenly sighed, running a hand though his damp black tresses. I was a little ashamed to admit it, since appearances didn’t matter all that much to be, but I couldn’t deny he looked even more handsome with his hair slicked back like that. In the back of my mind, I wondered how he would look if he were forced to attend one of those fancy parties the nobles in Mitras liked to throw every other year. For some reason, the thought of him in a suit with his hair gelled back was enough to make my heart flutter.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.”

His voice tore me out of my childish thoughts with a jolt. It took me a moment to realize he was talking about Ben—and the day he had died, when we lost Shiganshina and the rest of Wall Maria to the Titans. When I did, I felt a heavy weight settle itself on my chest. I bit my lip hard enough to taste blood as I hung on to every word that left his mouth.

“I know you don’t want to hear it right now, but I’m sorry. I don’t know if you still hate me for it, but I—” He stumbled over his words and groaned, pressing his palm to his forehead. “I know he meant a lot to you. But I wasn’t about to let you die. I couldn’t carry you both and— _ugh_!” This time, he hid his whole face in his hands and shook his head. “I keep fucking this up—”

He sucked in a sharp breath when I rested a hand on his shoulder. Tears were welling up in my eyes, but I did my best to hold them back. When he finally looked up at me, I gave him a smile.

I hadn’t expected an apology from him about leaving Ben to die—not then, not now, and not ever. I didn’t think it was something he even felt the need to apologize for, judging by his attitude when the whole thing had happened. But ever since that fateful day in Shiganshina, I had only focused on my grief and my perspective. I hadn’t given any thought at all to how Levi felt about the situation.

“You’re not fucking anything up.” I took his hands away from his face and held them in my own. Even though he stiffened at my touch, I was glad he was letting me do this to him. “It’s okay. I don’t hold it against you.”

As I stared into those watery silver pools, I couldn’t help but wonder what had brought this on in the first place. Had Blaise mentioned anything to him when the two of them talked earlier? Had he asked him about Ben’s death in any way? Had he said anything to make him upset? Levi hadn’t spoken about my brother since the day we watched him die, so why did he feel the need to apologize for leaving him right now?

But I wasn’t about to ask him about it right out. Even if I did, he wouldn’t tell me the truth. Whatever Blaise and Levi had said to each other would remain between them until Levi felt the need to tell me about it. But judging by how guilty he looked at the moment, I had a feeling it wouldn’t be any time soon.

“Besides, if it wasn’t for you, I would probably be dead by now.” I began to trace little patterns on the backs of his hands with my thumbs. As I kept talking, I could see the muscles in his face relax, and his shoulders lowered considerably. “I don’t hate you for leaving him. I mean…there will always be a part of me that misses him, but I don’t blame you for what happened. I know he wouldn’t have wanted me to stay mad at you; he was always hated holding grudges,” I added with a soft laugh.

He grit his teeth and turned his head away from me. Before he could get too far away from me, I reached up and tilted his chin toward me. He didn’t fight it; instead, he sighed gently and squeezed my hand comfortingly. I shifted mine around, entwining our fingers together.

“How can you keep on smiling?” Before I could even register what he had said, he began to ramble again: “After all the shit you’ve seen… After your brother, and your squad…” I swallowed at the mention of Rosalie and Emmett. “How do you still have a smile on your face?”

I blinked again, lost in thought. I had never thought of myself being a happy-go-lucky girl who always wore a cheerful smile—but at the same time, I was far from being an emotionless shell. Half the time, I didn’t even realize I was smiling. But as Levi’s words began to sink in, I realized the truth they held. How _was_ I able to smile after seeing so many horrible things in my life?

“Well… I try to focus on the things around me. Hanji always tells me not to dwell too much on the past, and to keep looking forward. So I try to do just that. Even though I’ve lost people I cared about, I still have plenty of people around me today. I have Hanji, Leyna, Blaise, Erwin, Anna, the rest of the Scouts—and _you_.”

The moment his eyebrow shot up, I started to worry whether or not I had said too much. I didn’t want to pour my heart out to him, but at the same time, it was hard for me not to express just how I felt. I wasn’t lying when I said he was one of the lights in my life that gave me the strength to smile. Even when I found myself missing Ben, Ma and Dad, and the hundreds of Scouts we had lost in the last few years, I still felt the urge to smile whenever I thought of him and the rest of the people I was blessed to have around me.

He didn’t say anything after that. He simply shook his head and pulled my hand away from his face. But he didn’t let go of it—instead, he gripped it gently in his own, drawing aimless patterns on the back like I had done just moments prior. My face began to heat up at the lack of distance between us. Just like before, the urge to kiss him was too powerful to ignore, and I barely managed to keep myself steady. He was so at ease with me right now, and I couldn’t ruin it with one stupid act.

Whether I liked it or not, we were getting more and more comfortable with each other. I was just worried one of us would take it too far one day—and when that happened, I was scared I wouldn’t be able to hold myself back.

I cleared my throat before sneaking a glance at the parcel resting on the chair. Suddenly, I felt like one of the lovesick girls back at school who always gave small paper cards decorated with hearts and flowers to the boys they liked. Ben had received quite a few of those cards, especially once we moved to Shiganshina. Some would even beg their parents to bake sweets, like tarts and cookies and candies, so they could give them to whichever boy they had a crush on. They always hid them behind their backs, their faces bright red and their voices no more than a meek stutter.

_If that doesn’t sound like me right now—_

“What’s that?”

I squeaked as Levi’s eyes landed on the parcel, still wrapped and ready to go. I swallowed the lump in my throat and forced myself to speak, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do at the moment.

“Um…” _Come on, just spit it out already_. “I went shopping today. I hope you don’t mind, but I got you a few things.”

As soon as I picked up the parcel and started unwrapping it, I could see him roll his eyes. “I already told you, brat. You don’t need to spend money on me.”

“Oh, stop it.” _Just let me have this moment, you jerk._ “You need them. Besides, I don’t think you want to stay in those hospital clothes for another day, now do you?” When he didn’t respond, I allowed myself to smirk just a tiny bit. I had him right where I wanted him.

The jacket was the first thing I pulled out. I held it out to Levi, so he could get a good look at it. While his face remained unchanged, at least he was taking the time to look at them.

“I hope they’re in the right sizes. I didn’t know your exact measurements, but I did my best. Oh, and here.” I passed him the shirt and trousers, blushing as our fingers brushed against each other. “Don’t worry, they’ve already been washed. The lady at the shop was nice enough to do that for me.”

As he stared at the clothes, I could slowly see the muscles in his face relax. If I didn’t know any better, I would say he was rather pleased with the outfit. He wasn’t complaining about them or making any smart-ass remarks at my expense, so that had to be a good sign. He held up the jacket at arm’s length and took in every little detail. I knew it was weird, but it made me happy to see him like this. He looked so relaxed—not as much as he had been in Skoll Castle, but it was a start.

“You wanna try anything on?”

He gave me a brief nod, his eyes never leaving the black jacket. “Sure.” He handed it back to me carefully before turning to his own clothes.

As he unbuttoned his shirt, I found myself looking anywhere _but_ his chest. It was ridiculous, given the amount of times I had seen him shirtless at this point, but I still couldn’t get over it. I guess a part of me never outgrew that girlish view I had on boys and older men, from when I was fourteen and in love. Even after everything we had been through, seeing his bare chest was enough to make me bite my lip and look away.

Unfortunately, he seemed to notice my strange reaction. Before I knew it, his eyes were on me, and his eyebrow was raised. “What’s your problem? You should be used to this by now, Wolf.”

Of course, that made me blush even harder _._ “It’s just… I don’t know!” My face was practically on fire as I gestured to his exposed upper half. “Why do I get the feeling you only do _this_ when I’m with you?”

He made that little _tch_ sound I had grown to love before pulling his lips up into a smirk. “Not everything I do is meant to make you feel uncomfortable, brat.”

My face burned in shame. _Of course it wasn’t. What was I even thinking?_

“Besides, I thought you liked it. Why are you complaining?”

A sharp squeak left my mouth as his words reached my ears. For a moment, I wanted nothing more than to curl up and disappear from his gorgeous gray gaze. “I…I’m not, but—wait, no, I didn’t mean that!”

_Why did I just say that?! Don’t you have any self-control at all, Wolf?!_

He inched closer to the edge of the bed, his smirk never leaving his face. I swallowed tightly as his knee brushed against mine. “Admit it, Wolf. You _love_ it when I look like this.”

_Holy shit, he has me cornered. What do I do?! What if he figures out my feelings for him? Wait a minute—what **are** my feelings for him?! Ugh, I’m so confused! I don’t need to deal with this shit! _

_Oh, well. What else can I do to embarrass myself even more, at this point? `_

“…So what if I do?” It was a struggle to keep my voice strong and steady—especially with his hand dangerously close to my knee. “I’m a girl. I can’t help it.”

He shook his head as he slipped the white shirt over his shoulders, still wearing that infuriating smirk on his face. I watched with bated breath as he began to button it up, trailing his hands down his chest at an agonizingly slow pace. I tried my best not to clench my fists and ruin the material of the new jacket.

_He’s doing this on purpose, that prick! He knows exactly what makes me uncomfortable!_

But I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it.

“Alright, turn around.” He stood up from the bed and reached for the pair of trousers. “Unless you want an eyeful.”

I scoffed, but I couldn’t keep my face from bursting into flames. “I doubt it, but whatever.” I turned my back on him just as his hands flew to his belt. I chewed on my bottom lip as I heard the buckle come undone and the fabric sliding down his skin.

_Holy shit, is he actually undressing right behind me? Why am I so calm about all of this? Why am I not freaking out?!_

For a brief, scandalous moment, I wondered what kind of underwear he wore beneath his pants. Were they tight? Did they show off his muscles? A shiver dripped down my spine as I thought of his _other_ muscle down there, and whether or not I would be able to see it if I turned around right now. To make matters worse, I had to purse my lips together to hold back a moan when I wondered how big he was.

_For fuck’s sake, Wolf, keep it in your pants! You don’t need to be thinking about this right now!_

“You can turn around again. I know you’re disappointed.”

I rolled my eyes as I turned around to face him again. He was in the midst of fixing his belt, sliding the buckle through the notches. “I’m fine. I’m not disappointed.” _Well, maybe I am, but you don’t need to know that!_

Finally, he motioned to the jacket in my hands. But instead of taking it from me, he turned around and held his arms out. I did my best to hide my smile as I slid the jacket over his shoulders. Once it was on, he began to straighten out the sleeves, tugging them down and over his wrists.

Maybe I was a little biased, because I was the one who had bought him the outfit in the first place, but there was no denying it: he looked gorgeous in that suit. It fit his body well, and it didn’t seem to be too tight around him. My lips began to part as I pictured him wearing his signature cravat along with it.

_By the Walls, I’d love to see that—_

“Hey, you still there?”

I jumped a bit when he waved a hand in front of my face. Another blush flooded my cheeks as I gave a nervous laugh, scratching at the back of my neck.

“Ah, yeah, of course! Um…you look nice.” _More like handsome, but I’m not going to say that to his face. I’ll never live it down._

He nodded and pulled at the lapels of the jacket. He glanced down at his form, inspecting every inch of the outfit. “I’m impressed, Wolf. You’ve got good taste.” I blushed even harder at his praise. “How much do you want for it?”

“Oh no, don’t worry about that! It’s my gift to you—you don’t have to pay me back.”

He blinked slowly, like he couldn’t comprehend what I was saying. Finally, he lowered his eyes and hummed softly. I could see the corner of his mouth quirk upwards just for a brief moment.

“I appreciate it, Wolf. …Thank you.”

 _He thanked me! He actually thanked me!_ “You’re welcome!” I prayed I didn’t sound too excited. “I won’t lie, it looks good on you. Well, _anything_ looks good on you, to be honest.”

My eyes shot open in absolute horror. I could feel a trickle of sweat sliding down the back of my neck as he raised an eyebrow at me, his eyes glowing with amusement. That soft smile on his face melted into a smirk in no time, and a fresh wave of heat came over my face.

_Shit, why did I just say that?! Things were going so well between us—why did I have to ruin it?! By the Walls, I’m such an idiot!_

Suddenly, he was directly in front of me and staring me down with that burning silver gaze. Before I could jump back, his hands rested on my waist, holding me in place. I chewed on my bottom lip as my own hands ghosted over the brand new white shirt, skimming over the muscles of his abdomen and the fresh stitches embedded in his skin.

 _You have such a problem with personal space_.

His chest rumbled with a deep chuckle. “Is that so?”

My eyes nearly popped out of my skull. _Wait—shit—did I just say that out loud?! Did he just hear me say that?!_

“Uh…”

My cheeks were practically scorching as he leaned down to the side of my face. I reached out and gripped his upper arms, to make sure I wouldn’t fall if my legs happened to give out. As his hands massaged my waist, his hot breath fanned over my ear.

“You’re cute when you blush like this, Mia.”

All at once, I wanted nothing more than a black hole to open up beneath me and swallow me whole. I didn’t even care where I ended up—as long as it was any place other than here. Between the touch of his hands, the obvious flirty compliment, and my first name spilling from his lips, I was too close to becoming a puddle of mush on the floor.

“S-s-stop it…” I placed my hands on his chest, but I made no move to push him away. Although I was a nervous wreck, I was enjoying the extra attention from him. “I’m…I’m n-not cute.”

The planes of his chest vibrated beneath my palms as he chuckled once more. “Yes, you are.” As he dragged his mouth up and across my forehead, I nearly jumped out of my own skin. But he held me in those strong arms, smirking against my flesh. “What’s wrong? Is this making you nervous?”

_Well, **yeah**! How can I **not** be nervous right now?! _

I sucked in a sharp breath as he came close to my ear again. This time, I felt the edge of his teeth graze my skin, and briefly, I remembered that incident in my office, when he had given me a love bite. My mind grew hazy at the memory, and in that moment, all I wanted was to feel his lips against my skin, just like before.

But the rational side of my brain had more control over my actions. I turned away from him and applied a bit of weight to his chest—not enough to push him away, but enough to get him to stop nuzzling my neck. My hands curled into fists as I forced myself to stare up into those silver pools. Although my mouth and throat felt scorched, I forced myself to speak.

“I thought you weren’t looking for anything else from me.”

I didn’t know how much he actually cared about me, or how much I actually mattered to him. I knew he considered me a friend, someone he could trust with his darkest secrets, but I had no intention of becoming a plaything on the side. I had no problem with engaging in a little bit of physical intimacy like this with him from time to time, but I didn’t want to do it when it was only convenient for him. Our fight in his office a week ago was still fresh in my mind; my chest still ached when I remembered how he had wrenched himself away from me when I started kissing his neck.

If this was going to happen between us, I didn’t want it to be one-sided. I wasn’t here for his entertainment, or to amuse him whenever he got bored. I expected something in return, if that was the case. I wanted to be able to treat him the same way he treated me—hugs, kisses, love bites and all.

His eyes darkened at my words, but he didn’t look angry. He remained silent, waiting for me to continue. It took me a few seconds, but I managed to find my voice again.

“I… I thought you weren’t interested in any kind of relationship with me. Which is fine,” I added quickly, “because I don’t want to pressure you into anything. But if that’s how you feel…then don’t lead me on like this. Don’t… Don’t pretend you’re interested in me that way if you’re really not.”

I had known Levi for nearly three years now, and throughout that time, he never really struck me as the kind of man who would play with a girl’s feelings. He might have been that way in his earlier years, back in the Underground City, but he was a different person now. If he was a so-called heartbreaker, he wouldn’t think twice about wooing every other female soldier in the Survey Corps—not to mention fawning over the noblewomen in Mitras. But from what I had seen of him so far, that didn’t interest him. He was a very reserved man, only keeping a small circle of comrades as his friends. As far as I knew, he didn’t seem to have any interest in _any_ of the women back at our base. And knowing his obsession with cleanliness, it was highly unlikely he would sleep around with random women he didn’t know at all.

With that said, I didn’t want to become a new toy of his. If he wanted to go down this path with me, he had to tell me to my face. He couldn’t fake his interest or feelings for me; I wanted things between us to be honest and genuine, and not purely physical. I wanted him to trust me as much as I trusted him—and I didn’t want him to shy away from me when I tried to be physical with him.

A lump formed in my throat as he reached up and cupped the left side of my face, his thumb brushing over the thin white scar. I could barely keep my knees from knocking together as he continued to stare at me.

Had I asked too much of him? The last thing I wanted to do was to scare him off. But at the same time, I couldn’t stay silent for long. I had to let him know how I felt about this whole thing, and if he couldn’t respect that, then maybe he wasn’t worth my time after all.

But something about the way he looked at me told me I had nothing to fear. Something told me that I was stressing about nothing, that I was blowing this whole situation out of proportion. Something told me…I didn’t have to worry about him returning my feelings.

“Who said I’m not interested in you?”

All the air seemed to vanish from my lungs. “B-but I— Y-you said—”

“Can you let me finish, brat?” For some reason, seeing that familiar brash side of him put me at ease. I snapped my mouth shut and let him continue: “I never said I wasn’t interested in you. I only said I didn’t want to risk it.”

“…So then…why are you…?”

His hand recoiled from my face, and he let out a frustrated sigh as he perched himself back on the edge of the bed. I watched him as he ran his fingers against the scruff of his undercut, his eyes focusing on the floor instead of mine. I wanted him to speak, but I didn’t want to push him.

_Be patient, Wolf. He’ll come around to you—you just have to wait._

“Either of us can die at any moment. It could have happened when we were stranded outside the Walls. I don’t want to put you through that if I—”

“Stop it.” I had heard this excuse before, and I wasn’t going to hear it again. “We’re _soldiers_. It’s in our nature to risk our lives. I’m fully aware of the fact that I may die if I step outside the Walls. And I know you know that, too. What difference does it make if we…” It was suddenly hard to swallow. “If we were…I don’t know… _something else_?”

When he met my eyes again, I could see the obvious pain in them. He was conflicted, I could tell. He probably wanted to shove me aside and sever all ties with me, just so he wouldn’t feel guilty if I happened to die on the field someday. But on the other hand, he probably felt the same way about me as I felt about him. I wanted him at my side, to be more than just friends with him. I knew I wasn’t just a fellow soldier to him, but it seemed he didn’t want to admit that to himself just yet. He was still nervous about losing me out there.

But he was no stranger to death and the ways it worked. Isabel and Furlan were still fresh in my mind; I could still see their corpses strewn out along the muddy bank of the valley. He probably didn’t want the same thing to happen to me, if he managed to trust me the way I trusted him.

“Listen,” I started in the softest voice I could manage, “just because we may die one day doesn’t mean you should cut everyone out of your life. You think _I_ do that, or _any_ of the other Scouts? If we didn’t have each other to lean on, how do you think we would survive? I know I’m going to die one day, but I’ve accepted that. But I still have friends and people I can trust. I know I’m going to die, but I don’t let that keep me away from Hanji or Leyna. And if I know I’m in danger, I try my damn hardest to make sure I come back to them. Plenty of other Scouts do the same, too. We can’t just live as empty, emotionless shells, Levi; that’s no way for _anyone_ to live their life.”

Even as he took in everything I had said, I could see he was still doubtful. With a sigh, I reached over and placed my hands on his shoulders.

“Yeah, either of us could have died over the past few days. Hell, you and I almost did— _multiple_ times! But in the end, we made it back to each other. We still found each other. Who’s to say it can’t happen again, as long as we both try?”

I didn’t mean to sound so melodramatic, but it seemed to work for a brief moment. His eyes regained a bit of that silver light I loved so much, and the muscles in his face softened considerably. I probably hadn’t changed his mind completely, but at least he was listening to what I had to say.

“But…if you don’t think it’s worth the risk, then please don’t lead me on. I don’t want to have to—”

A squeak left my lips as he brought me down _hard_ in his lap. The bed squealed under my knees as I pressed them down into the mattress on either side of him. For a moment, I thought back to our time in Skoll Castle, where the two of us had been in this exact same position in the early morning just a couple days ago. My fingers clenched around his shoulders as I felt his hands wander up to my upper back, securing me against his warm chest.

“You think that’s a risk worth taking, do you?”

My cheeks were probably bright red at this point. “Y-yeah, I do.”

Then, he leaned into the crook of my neck, his nose brushing against my skin. His arms tugged me closer to him as he whispered, “Then I’ll take it.”

A burst of happiness exploded in my chest at his words. With a smile and a newfound confidence, I leaned on his chest and pushed him into the sheets below. He didn’t seem uncomfortable, and he definitely didn’t try to fight back. He simply stared up at me as I hovered over him, his fingers dancing along my upper back.

“Then does that mean you’ll let me take the reins once in a while? I don’t want any more stupid fights between us.”

He rolled his eyes, his lips forming into a hint of a smile. “Yeah, whatever you say. But don’t expect it to happen too often, brat. I still like watching you get all flustered over nothing.”

I glanced down at his mouth, pulled up in a slight smirk. Finally deciding that I had waited too long, I leaned in and lowered myself to his face. His breath was hot and moist against my lips, with the gentle scent of mint mixed in.

And then the door behind us opened.

I gasped and scrambled off of Levi in a rush, landing on the bed beside him. The two of us turned to face the intruder, ready to tell them off. I was expecting to see Hanji, but I was absolutely mortified when I met the icy blue eyes of Commander Erwin himself.

_Oh, great! This is just great! He just walked in on me practically straddling Levi. Wait, no, that’s **exactly** what I was doing! I’ll never be able to look him in the eye again after this! _

Levi’s shoulders were tense as he pushed himself off the bed. “Have you heard of knocking, Erwin?”

I couldn’t even look at my superior in the face at this point, so I couldn’t tell if he was blushing. But from the way he took his time answering, I could only imagine how awkward he felt walking in on his two captains in such a suggestive position.

“…My apologies,” he muttered, clearing his throat, “if I interrupted anything.”

I wanted to tell him it was okay, but I was too embarrassed to even speak. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Levi look my way, but I was too scared to meet his eyes. Not after the position the two of us had just been in, or what we had just said to each other.

I felt lightheaded as I stumbled off of the mattress and ran out of the room, nearly bumping into the Commander on the way out. It wasn’t until I was out of the hospital and back in the cold winter air that I finally stopped and took a breath, trying my best to fan my face with my hands.

 _This is just perfect! Now Erwin will think we’re dating or screwing around or something, and he’ll be up our asses about it! He’ll start telling us to focus on our duties and all that shit._ Erwin didn’t seem like the kind of man to care much about relationships within the ranks, but he still expected the best from his subordinates. If he thought Levi and I were an official item, he would make sure to remind us of our responsibilities.

I groaned and buried my face in my hands. Now there were at least _two_ Scouts who thought we were together—Hanji and Erwin. No matter how hard I tried to keep my affection for Levi a secret, it seemed to reveal itself at the worst possible moments.

_What the hell is wrong with me?!_

|~|

The rest of the day dragged on slowly. By nighttime, I had met up with Hanji again, and the two of us retreated to our shared room on the third floor of the Garrison headquarters building. I apologized to her about my behavior earlier, and she brushed it off with a smile. For now, things were okay between us—as long as neither of us mentioned Jax. At least that was one less thing I had to worry about.

“Well, if you’re interested, I can give you _one_ piece of advice for tomorrow,” she chirped as she climbed into bed. “Don’t let Leyna get to you. You know she’s going to try to get on your nerves, so don’t let her, okay?”

I had to laugh at that. Even though she could be misguided sometimes, Hanji always tried her hardest to look out for me. “I’ll try my best.”

But through my smiles, I was still a nervous wreck. I had bumped into Erwin earlier in the night, and just as I suspected, he questioned me about my relationship with Levi. With my face practically on fire, I insisted that we weren’t a couple, nor did we have a purely physical relationship. The Commander seemed relieved when I mentioned that (his face had started to get a little pink at that point), but he didn’t discourage a relationship between us in the slightest. But before I could ask him about it, he had disappeared down the hall, toward Lieutenant Morris’ office.

I had no doubt in my mind he would ask Levi about it, if he hadn’t already. The two of them were pretty close, and even though he could be discreet, I didn’t think there was anything Levi could do that would go unnoticed by the Commander. But the thought of Levi telling Erwin about the details of our relationship didn’t sit well with me. I wanted to keep a few things between just the two of us; I didn’t want anyone else to try to intervene in whatever we currently had with each other.

What _did_ we have with each other? He had told me he was willing to take the risk of being together if I was, but that’s where we had left off. We hadn’t even _kissed_ , for fuck’s sake! Were we actually together at this point, or were we still considered friends? And if we _were_ together, was there something we had to do next? I had only had one boyfriend in my life, so I wasn’t all that experienced when it came to romance. And by the way he acted around me, I didn’t think Levi was, either.

I leaned back into the pillows and draped the back of my arm over my face. Part of me wanted to tell Hanji about what had happened earlier, but I knew I would never hear the end of it if I did. She would keep me up all night, begging for information about our so-called “blossoming romance,” or whatever she called it behind my back. It was too embarrassing to ask Erwin for any advice, and the same went for the other Squad Leaders, who were currently at Mitras. And I didn’t even want to think about telling Leyna about our little friendship. She would be disappointed if I told her I spent a considerable amount of time with him, but she would be absolutely _livid_ if I told her he had actually managed to give me my first love bite a few months ago.

I was on my own with this one, whether I liked it or not.

“Hey, you alright?”

Hanji propped herself up in the bed beside mine, her goggles still hanging around her face. When I tapped the side of my own, she blushed and slid them off her head. Once she placed them down on the nightstand between us, I let out a sigh and answered her question.

“I’m fine. I’m just…a little worried about tomorrow.” Well, at least it wasn’t a total lie. I was stressed out about both Levi _and_ Leyna—no need to mention Jax right now. “Leyna’s not going to be happy when she learns we were stranded.”

Hanji shrugged and gave me a reassuring smile. “Yeah, but you guys made it back. And it’s not like you _planned_ to get lost out there; we didn’t exactly have a say in this expedition, don’t forget. Maybe she can tell us why they sent us out there in the first place, if the assembly doesn’t.”

“Maybe.” But something told me that Leyna would be just as clueless as we were about the whole situation.

A few minutes later, Hanji was fast asleep, her loud bear snores echoing through the large room. For once, I didn’t mind the noise; I couldn’t sleep anyway. With a sigh, I snuggled deeper into the pillows and stared up at the ceiling, my mind flooding with memories of Levi from the past few days. I groaned and shook my head, praying for sleep to come quickly.

But it never did. Instead, I was left lying wide awake in my bed, counting the spots and stains on the ceiling as the night slowly crawled by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, another trip to Mitras... Mia is NOT a happy camper about that. She already has enough to worry about without dealing with her creepy ex-boyfriend. But on a lighter note, I did enjoy writing Hanji and Mia's trek through the district. If I could write a whole chapter about just the two of them exploring the towns and fooling around in the shops, I would do it in a heartbeat. (Also, props to Hanji for being a supportive yet determined friend. What I wouldn't give to have a best friend like her...)
> 
> Just as a side note, in case any of you are confused: no, Blaise does not love Mia romantically. If anything, he sees her as a little sister, and he sees it as his job to look out for her in Ben's place. They're close, but he's not romantically interested in her. (Levi just thinks so because he's jealous.)
> 
> Speaking of Levi...this man does not handle emotions well (I mean is anyone surprised at this point). But he's trying his best, and Mia realizes this. (At least she understands his view on Ben's death, and they manage to get some closure from it.) The two of them are definitely trying to communicate with each other a little more, and it's obvious to both of them that they have feelings for one another. But of course, both of them are just too scared to say it out loud--even when they LITERALLY AGREE to give this relationship a chance. Don't worry, I promise they'll pick up the pace soon enough! (And just to answer your question now, the black jacket Mia buys for Levi is the same one he wears in Season 2. That man looks absolutely gorgeous in a suit... *swoons*)
> 
> I hope you guys are ready for the next handful of chapters, because A LOT is going to go down! I'm going to try to post new chapters once a week, since I'm still in the process of writing/editing them. It's a little difficult because I'm back at work, and it's hard to sit down and write when I'm exhausted, haha. But I'm trying my best, and for now, I can say we have enough chapters to cover us until the first week of August... So don't expect another hiatus any time soon! If anything I'll take one toward the end of August, when school starts back up, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 
> 
> Anyway, I've been rambling for too long. Let me know what you think of this chapter (and your predictions for Levi and Mia's progressing relationship) and I'll see you soon! Thanks for reading! :)


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have much to say about this chapter, other than writing assembly meetings can be so boring sometimes... Anyway, most of my comments will be at the end, as usual. Hope you enjoy! :)

|XXXVIII|

At first light, we were on the road to Mitras. Erwin led the charge, as usual, while Hanji lingered at his side. Levi and I were stuck behind them, trying our best to avoid each other’s eyes. But no matter how hard I tried, I always found myself sneaking glances at his face.

Neither of us had talked to each other since our interaction yesterday afternoon. I was too scared to bring it up, especially after Erwin had spoken to me about our supposed relationship. I didn’t want to know whether or not Levi had told him about us, and I didn’t want to ask him straight out if we were considered a couple at this point. Even though he had seen me in a vulnerable position too many times before, I still had my pride. I couldn’t act as desperate as I felt.

To make matters worse, I couldn’t even look at Commander Erwin without my face heating up. I knew he didn’t disapprove of whatever I had with Levi, as long as we stayed focused on our duties as Squad Leaders, but nonetheless, it was still embarrassing he had to walk in on us like that. I didn’t want _anyone_ walking in on us—much less the Commander of the Survey Corps himself.

Levi wouldn’t talk to me, either. Part of me was grateful for this, since I didn’t want Hanji or Erwin getting more involved than they already were. He _did_ have a reputation to uphold in public. But another part of me couldn’t help but feel a little hurt at this. I mean, the two of us had nearly _kissed_ , and he couldn’t even spare me a single glance. Even though I reminded myself he wasn’t great with emotions to begin with, it still hurt a bit. 

The journey to Mitras was a silent one, with either Hanji or Erwin breaking the silence with their quiet conversations. I didn’t say a word, even when we reached the outer gate of Orvud District, on the northern point of Wall Sina. Even when we handed Edel, Mischa, and the rest of our horses off to the stable hands and climbed into the tiny, cramped carriage that would take us to the capital, I kept my mouth shut.

But although my lips were sealed, my mind was buzzing like a hornet’s nest. I couldn’t focus on anything; my mind was running rampant with all kinds of thoughts. The closer we moved toward Mitras, the more anxious I grew over discussing the events of the past few days with the royal assembly.

I knew better than to bring up the rumor of Naraka in front of them. As far as they knew, it was a location beyond the Walls, and any sort of material or information regarding the outside world had been outlawed decades ago. It wasn’t smart to mention it to them, even if it explained where those prisoners had originated from. If I were to tell them everything I knew about it so far, they would demand to know where I had gotten such information, and they would go to any lengths to make sure I gave them the answers they wanted.

I still had my father’s old journal tucked away in my breast pocket, over my heart. I couldn’t risk losing it, no matter what. It was the only piece of him I had left, and I refused to let go of it without a fight.

_Never mind what the assembly will think—what will Leyna think about all of this? Once she finds out you were attacked and nearly assaulted, there’s no telling what she could do!_

My sister had a manipulative streak, ever since she was twelve years old. She could easily convince anyone to do her bidding for her, and when she wanted something, she was almost guaranteed to get it. If she found about the prisoners, she would press me for any bit of information I had, which would lead back to the rumor of Naraka. And once she learned of it, there was no telling whether or not she would inform the rest of the King’s Guard about it—or the royal assembly itself. After that, I didn’t know what would become of either of us.

_But I can’t keep it from her forever. She’s going to find out eventually. I just have to tell her at the right time. Maybe when we’re alone…_

You couldn’t be too careful in the capital. The king had eyes and ears everywhere.

|~|

Eventually, the four of us were within the walled city of Mitras. The castle hadn’t changed much since our last visit, but then again, I didn’t have an eye for details. I left that to Leyna, who didn’t have a problem nitpicking everything she laid her eyes on.

The small black-haired cadet from my sister’s squad didn’t greet us like last time. Instead, we were escorted into the main halls by three stone-faced Military Police officers, each of them holding a rifle against their chests. By now, I was used to the sight of guns, like revolvers and rifles and shotguns, but now I was a little on edge. Maybe it was because my thoughts of Naraka hadn’t left my mind completely.

_Just stay calm, Wolf. As long as you keep your mouth shut, they can’t find out anything about it. They won’t suspect you of anything out of the ordinary as long as you blend in and play by their rules._

The officers led us directly to the large conference room on the first floor. I couldn’t help but frown as the four of us followed them at a brisk pace. It was unusual for the MPs to escort us directly to the conferences before giving us the chance to freshen up in our rooms.

 _The nobles must want to get this over as soon as possible._ At least that was one thing we had in common.

When we reached the heavy bronze doors on the right side of the hall, one of the officers held out an arm to prevent me and Levi from following Erwin and Hanji inside. “Not you,” he almost snarled. “The assembly would prefer to speak with you two separately, given your experiences beyond the Walls.”

My throat clenched at his words. This couldn’t be good. I managed to catch Hanji’s sympathetic smile before she was ushered inside with the Commander—and in the blink of an eye, the double doors had slammed shut, leaving myself and Levi out in the hall with the other MPs.

Why did they want to see us alone all of a sudden? Was it really because we had survived being stranded outside the Walls? Or was it something else entirely?

_Shit, maybe they already know about Naraka. Maybe they already suspect us having some information on it!_

_Calm down, Wolf! They may be powerful, but they have rocks for brains. They won’t suspect you of anything, so don’t freak out!_

But no matter how much I scolded myself, I couldn’t stop my hands from trembling—or my knees from knocking together. Eventually, I couldn’t stand still anymore, and I began to pace back and forth in the hallway. The MP soldiers stationed at the doors stared straight ahead, paying me no mind at all.

I fought the urge to reach up and brush my hand against the journal in my jacket pocket. I didn’t want to tip them off about its existence, in case they _did_ decide to interrogate me. That book had too many memories scrawled across its pages, but that meant nothing to the royal government. As long as the word _Naraka_ was etched in black ink, they would waste no time in taking it away from me. The last thing I wanted was for them to confiscate it, or at the very least, destroy it in front of my own eyes.

_Maybe it won’t be that bad. Maybe you’re just overreacting again, Wolf. Come on, how much could they possibly know? As long as you focus on just the prisoners and not where they could have come from, you should be fine._

I could hear the sound of muffled yelling through the thick bronze doors. From what I could tell, it was most likely Aurille, screaming his head off at the Commander. He tended to do that, especially after a particularly rough expedition. While I didn’t know the details of the most recent one, I knew it wasn’t pretty. A good chunk of our forces had been wiped out—and not because of the Titans. That alone was enough to be concerned over.

_But it’s not Erwin’s fault to begin with. They were the ones who sent us out there in the first place! They have no one to blame but themselves._

I wanted to press my ear to the door and listen in on their conversation, but I knew the moment I did, the MPs would push me away. Still, I couldn’t stop my mind from wondering what was happening. Was it only Erwin and Hanji with them? Were Mike and Ness in there, as well? Exactly how many of our soldiers had we lost over such a short period of time? Did the nobles hold that against Erwin, or were they owning up to their mistakes?

 _Probably not_ , I thought bitterly, clenching my hands into fists. _They never do. In their perfect little world, they’re always right._

“Will you calm the fuck down already?”

I froze in my tracks and glared up at Levi, who was leaning against the nearby windowsill with his arms folded across his chest. This was the first time he had spoken to me all day, and he had to say _that_ to me? _What a gentleman._

“Sorry, I can’t help it,” I replied a bit harsher than I intended. “I’m a little stressed out, if you couldn’t tell.”

As soon as the words left my lips, a flood of guilt washed over me. I hadn’t meant to sound so snippy with him—it just came out that way! I wasn’t angry at him, but I was taking out my frustrations on him instead of the nobles, or the MPs guarding the door. I had to reign in my tongue before I pushed him away again; with all the progress we had made with each other over the past few days, I dreaded the thought of arguing with him again.

“I’m…sorry,” I mumbled, my face burning in shame. “I’m just worried. Who knows what they’ll ask us once we’re in there?”

I didn’t like talking to him when we had an audience. I thought about asking the officers to leave, but I knew they would only ignore me. Even if they weren’t listening in on our conversation or paying attention in the slightest, it was still unnerving to have them standing right next to us.

He seemed to feel the same way, judging by the look of disdain in his eyes as he squared them up. “Don’t worry about it, Wolf. You’ve been through how many of these meetings already? You’ll survive another one. Once this is over with, we can go back to the base.”

I was surprised he was the one giving me advice, considering how impatient he usually was. But that’s what I appreciated about him. No matter how stressed I was, he managed to bring me back and calm me down. He had done it just a few days ago, when the hoard of Titans began chasing us. He knew how to keep a clear head, which made him a valuable asset to the regiment as a whole.

_No wonder you chose him to lead the Special Operations Squad, Erwin. He’s not exactly a team player, but he knows how to keep others focused on their goals._

The next few minutes passed by in silence. I ended up sitting on the windowsill next to Levi, with my legs dangling off the edge. The MPs at the doors never left their post, not even when a full hour had gone by. I managed to pass the time playing with the cuffs of my jacket, pulling the buttons through the clasps over and over again. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to calm me down a bit. At least now I wasn’t on the verge of hyperventilating.

But by now, Levi was starting to get a little agitated, as well. I could see it in the way he kept tapping the sides of his arm and slanting his eyes at the guards. Even though it had been well over an hour, they hadn’t moved an inch. All things considered, I had to admire their resilience.

“How long does it take to complain about a single expedition?” he grumbled, keeping his voice low enough for me to hear. “The last one wasn’t nearly as long.”

I shrugged my shoulders, wincing as the button snapped against my thumb. “They always find new things to complain about. You get used to it, after a while.”

I could no longer hear Aurille’s voice from the other side of the door. For all we knew, another member of the assembly—one who wasn’t as hot-tempered as the portly politician—could be negotiating with Erwin right now. Even though I despised each and every one of those noblemen, I had to admit, they could be pleasant enough if they tried. If I had to choose one of them to speak with, I would probably pick Gerald—but maybe that was just my bias talking, since we both shared backgrounds in the military.

Still, I couldn’t let myself forget that each of them had their own interests at heart. When they worked together, they could be absolutely ruthless, sometimes even putting their own needs before the sake of humanity. They had done it before, back in the winter of 846, with the failed operation to reclaim Wall Maria. Who could say they wouldn’t try to do something like that again?

But I couldn’t say this to Levi. If _any_ of these scandalous thoughts left my lips, I would be accused of treason and punished severely. It was considered a crime to badmouth the king or the royal government, even if you were pointing out their faults with honest intentions. While growing up in Ehrmich District, I always caught my mother scolding my father whenever he criticized the king for a new policy passed or a set of laws being enforced. She became a little less frantic about it once we moved to Shiganshina, since we were further away from the capital, but even then, we had to be careful. If either of us happened to say the wrong thing, and the wrong person managed to hear it and report it back to the king, there was no telling what could happen to us. It was a terrifying situation, but that was life within the Walls.

_No wonder I want to get out of this hellhole so bad. And I’ll bet my entire military salary that Levi feels the same way. He hates these nobles as much as I do, maybe even more._

Finally, after another half hour of sitting on the windowsill, the doors opened with a loud creak. The MP from before—the one who had escorted Hanji and Erwin inside—reappeared with the Commander and the other Squad Leaders. Both Mike and Ness looked relieved upon seeing me and Levi, but we were unable to make conversation. A second later, the MPs all but shoved the two of us inside, and the heavy doors slammed shut once more.

The silver conference room hadn’t changed in the slightest since our last visit. Just like before, the royal assembly sat at the long oak table in the front of the room, with the five seats occupied. I grimaced when my eyes landed on Jax, who sat at the far right side of the table. This time, however, it was easier to avoid his dark blue eyes.

I had gone through too much in the past few days to be in the mood to deal with his antics. Unless I was forced to speak with him, he was dead to me, for all I cared.

I glanced to the left side of the room, where three Blades of the King’s Guard stood at their individual stands. While I didn’t recognize the first one, I definitely knew the other two. Emil gave me a soft smile and a courteous wave, acting as the only friendly face in the entire room. I didn’t hesitate to smile back and return his little wave. At least there were _some_ decent people within the walls of Mitras.

However, Leyna was the exact opposite. Her blue eyes were slanted dangerously in my direction the second I took my spot at the center podium. She rested her fists on the edge of her own stand, and even though it was subtle, I could see her trembling.

_Why does she look so pissed at me? Did Erwin already tell them about the past few days? Does she know I was one of the soldiers stranded out there? If so, is she mad that I nearly died?_

_She should be used to it by now. Soldiers in the Survey Corps die all the time; she’s well aware that I might not come home one day. So then…why does she look so furious all of a sudden?_

One of the men at the front of the room cleared his throat. I didn’t even have to look at them to know it was Aurille. His twisted red face expressed more than any word could say. He leaned out of his seat in the center and onto the surface of the table; if I looked close enough, I could see one of the veins on his forehead bulging out.

The other members of the assembly, except for maybe Jax, looked absolutely exhausted. Gerald slumped in his seat a little more than usual, and Roderich hung his head lower, keeping his eyes glued to the table in front of him. Deltoff’s eyes were beginning to droop shut; once in a while, he would jolt in his seat, as if he was trying his best to fend off a nap.

_I don’t really blame them. After listening to Aurille rant for an hour and a half, I would be ready to just go home, too._

Aurille cleared his throat again, his brown eyes hardening as he gazed at me and Levi. “Shall we begin?”

He didn’t even wait for an answer before retrieving a pure white sheet of paper from the stack of parchment on the table in front of him. He held it up and brandished it to the two of us. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Leyna glaring at me.

_Why me? What did I even do?! It’s not like I wanted to get stranded out there!_

“According to Commander Erwin Smith’s report, the thirty-first expedition beyond the Walls took place no more than a week ago, when you departed from Utopia District in Wall Rose.” His voice was cold and harsh, every word dripping with venom. “Despite the lack of Titans in the northern areas, the Survey Corps still lost more than two-thirds of its soldiers. Tens of soldiers were either killed from exposure, from the northern Titans, or were simply left to die. However, despite everything, your commanding officer still doesn’t view this as a concern.”

My eyebrows furrowed. If I knew Commander Erwin, he was _definitely_ concerned over the results of the previous expedition. He didn’t view the loss of life lightly; every time the Scouts suffered casualties, he made it his personal mission to provide peace and comfort to those who were affected. Although he wasn’t the warmest person in the Survey Corps, at least he made an effort to help those around him. I could vouch for him—he was the one who visited me in the medical wing after Flagon’s squad had been wiped out.

If Erwin didn’t see this expedition as a concern, as Aurille had accused, I could only assume it had to deal with the Scouts’ competency in the outside world. The entire assembly was convinced we had no idea what we were doing, no matter what we did. It didn’t matter to them how much information on the Titans we brought back to educate the rest of our ranks. It didn’t matter how many good men and women we lost while trying to retrieve said information. It didn’t matter how each little encounter with them brought us one step closer to understanding them and eventually eliminating them all. All they saw were a bunch of suicidal fools willing to spend the government’s money on childish field trips beyond the barrier of Wall Rose.

“You two,” Aurille practically spat out at us, “appear to be the only stranded soldiers who have made it back alive. Save for thirty soldiers, everyone else is presumed dead.”

My stomach churned, as if I had just swallowed a mouthful of ice water. Only seventy of us had made it back alive? No, that couldn’t be right. The Scouts were close to two hundred soldiers strong, and if I remembered correctly, at least a hundred and fifty of us had made the trek to Utopia District that morning. Had the rest of us really been wiped out?

“Your Commander remains adamant about this issue. Despite the lack of success the Survey Corps has endured in recent expeditions, we would like to consult the two remaining survivors of this little excursion.” Aurille eyed us carefully, his red cheeks puffing out. “Let’s start with you, Miss Wolf.” I didn’t miss the evil glint in his eye at the mocking title. “What do you think of your Commander’s recent attitude?”

I knew he was trying to drive a wedge between the Squad Leaders and Erwin. He wanted us to distrust each other, to second-guess every decision Erwin made. The bond of trust between the Scouts was well-known among the civilians and the nobles, and even the soldiers of the Garrison and Military Police Brigade. Without trusting each other to make decisions for the sake of humanity, none of us would be able to return home. The royal assembly knew this, and therefore, pitting us against each other was vital in breaking the entire regiment apart. That had been their goal all along—and I was disgusted to learn it hadn’t changed in the slightest over time.

I glanced at Levi, praying for him to not overstep the boundaries. This time, we didn’t have Hanji to keep us in check. We were on our own against these rich assholes, and if either of us spoke out of turn, we could end up damaging our regiment even further. As long as he kept his mouth shut, I would keep mine shut. Thankfully, by the subtle nod he gave me, he seemed to understand.

I pressed my fist to my heart and cleared my throat before speaking. “Our Commander remains dedicated to serving humanity and wiping out the Titans from our world. My apologies, but I must disagree with you on his attitude. He takes the loss of our comrades very seriously; he doesn’t disregard them, as you may suggest.”

I inwardly cringed at the sound of my own voice. I sounded so artificial it made me sick. But I couldn’t risk digging a hole deeper than the one we were already in. If keeping the Survey Corps alive meant kissing up to these pretentious pricks, then so be it. I couldn’t be smart with them, like I had been last time. Now, there was no more room for mistakes.

“I trust him completely, if that’s what you’re asking, and that fact will never change. Erwin is an exceptional Commander, and I would be honored to lay down my life for him and the good of humanity.”

Aurille’s eyes darkened with each word that spilled from my lips. That had not been the answer he had hoped to receive. But I refused to play into his hands. He wanted me to turn my back on my Commander, to stir up tensions between the ranks. I was not going to be used as a pawn in his stupid little game, no matter how much authority he held over me. I would die before betraying the Scouts—the only family I knew outside of my parents, my brother and my sister.

At the thought of Leyna, I stole a quick glance at the left side of the room. My sister still looked furious, clenching her hands at the top of the podium in front of her. It seemed that, no matter what I said, she only grew angrier. I let out a sigh before turning my eyes away from her.

_It looks like I’m going to get an earful from her after this meeting…_

“And what about _you_?” I bit my tongue as Aurille’s head swiveled around to face Levi. It irked me that he didn’t even use his name, let alone his proper title. “Do you agree with Miss Wolf’s stance? Or does your opinion differ from hers?”

I didn’t even have time to hope he would cut back the insults and derogatory language before he opened his mouth.

“Not at all. I agree with _Captain_ Wolf’s position on the matter.” I couldn’t hide my smile as the title left his lips. “Erwin had taken many risks, but they are made in the name of humanity. While he does have more than a few outrageous ideas, I trust him with my life, as well. He is more than competent enough to lead the Scouts, despite what you may think about him.”

Although I wasn’t a fan of his brash tone, I had to admire the way he spoke about our Commander. There had been a time where he wouldn’t have hesitated for a second to slit the man’s throat. Now, there was an undeniable bond of trust between the two men, ever since Levi decided to join the Scouts for real, following the deaths of Furlan and Isabel. To this day, I still don’t know how the two of them managed to pull such a friendship off. Erwin held him as one of his confidents, along with Hanji, Mike, Ness, and myself. Now, Levi was openly proclaiming his faith in him, despite their violent past. It was a strange shift, but a welcome one nonetheless.

However, the politician did not like this little speech one bit. Both Roderich and Deltoff seemed to wince as Aurille stood even higher behind the table. Meanwhile, Gerald’s and Jax’s eyes went wide, as if they couldn’t believe what was happening. Under normal circumstances, I would have laughed. Never before had I seen the royal assembly so unnerved by one of its own members.

_Erwin must have **really** pissed off Aurille earlier. I’ll have to ask either him or Hanji what he said to him to make him so angry. _

“Even though the two of you were stranded and left for dead beyond the Walls, you still trust this man with your life?” There was no mistaking the utter disbelief in the portly man’s voice. “Even after surviving for three days on your own out there? Are you two insane?!”

“Don’t forget _who_ sent us out there in the first place.” I could feel a lump take shape in my throat as Levi glared at the noblemen before us. “You were so eager to send us out there at the worst possible time. You knew how dangerous it was, and yet you ignored Erwin when he spoke out against it. It wasn’t his decision to send us out there—it was _yours_.”

_Well, so much for sucking up to them! And he has the nerve to scold me for telling them off! Who’s the hypocrite now?!_

But deep down, I knew he was only speaking the truth. The royal assembly had been uncharacteristically eager about this expedition of theirs…but why? Why had they chosen to send us out in northern territory in the middle of winter? Surely they knew how dangerous the weather could get up there. Even though the Scouts were exceptionally skilled compared to the soldiers of the Garrison or the Military Police, we were still at risk of dying from exposure. They had to know all of that, right?

Before Aurille could snap back at him, Deltoff raised his palm and gave us a pointed look. “Perhaps we were misguided in our decision. There is a possibility we acted too rashly—”

“And because you made a mistake, good soldiers are dead,” I muttered under my breath, echoing Aurille’s words from last time. Although my voice was quiet, I could tell by the scowl on his face that the politician had heard every single word.

“Let’s not get into the specifics,” Jax spoke up, wearing a nervous smile on his face. There had been a time where I thought he looked adorable when he was anxious. But now, the sight of it just made me want to vomit. “I know the Survey Corps has suffered tremendous losses, and we can’t make up for that in the slightest. I offer my deepest apologies to both of you.”

Levi and I remained silent. I was nervous that, if I did end up opening my mouth, I would never seal it shut again.

“…Now,” he continued, a little awkwardly, “your survival is a miraculous one, no doubt about it. Would you mind telling us just how you managed to survive out there? Did you come across any villages, ruins, or other landmarks? Were either of you familiar with the territory at all?”

Before I could even comprehend what he was asking, Levi was answering him in a brisk voice. “First off, I would appreciate it if any of you could explain to me the group of men that attacked us beyond the Wall.”

Dead silence swept through the conference room. Every pair of eyes in the room was fixated on Levi, and every jaw hung open. The Shields and the Blades on either side of the room furrowed their brows in confusion—all except for Leyna. My sister had the palm of her hand pressed against her mouth, with those beautiful blue eyes darting back and forth between me and Levi. But I was too occupied with glaring at Levi to ponder over her strange reaction.

_What the fuck are you doing?! I don’t want them getting the wrong idea about us! We can’t let them know about Naraka, even if it **is** just a myth! _

It was Roderich who broke the silence first, giving an awkward cough before speaking. “I beg your pardon? There has not been a single person living beyond the Walls for over a century. All of humanity has taken refuge behind our beloved Walls from the Titans—who could possibly be living out there?”

“I agree,” Gerald said, shaking his head. “There are no records of any humans living beyond the Walls for years now, even with the fall of Wall Maria.”

The look on Levi’s face was absolutely lethal. I didn’t even have time to reach out and stop him before he began speaking once more.

“Are you suggesting we _imagined_ the whole thing?” I chewed on my bottom lip as he tore into them, his silver eyes ablaze with fury. “Then perhaps we _imagined_ the wounds they gave us. Or the fact that Captain Wolf was nearly raped by them.”

_Levi, shut the fuck up!_

A sharp gasp could be heard from the left side of the room. I didn’t even have to turn my head to know it had been Leyna. But I was too ashamed to look her in the eye right now. The guilt was already getting to be too much, and I didn’t want to burst into tears in front of the royal assembly again.

Levi had said it out loud, and now we couldn’t take it back. Leyna knew, the nobles knew, the rest of the King’s Guard knew—now everybody was aware of the fact I had nearly been raped that day in the snow.

Jax suddenly sprang up from his seat, his hands splayed out on the table in front of him. “What did you say? _What_ did they almost do to her?!”

My throat burned with bile. He was trying so hard to keep this façade going—but I knew better than to fall for it. I could see right through those concerned eyes and caring tone of voice. He had no right to be worried about me nearly getting assaulted when he had tried to do the same thing to me so many years before.

“They almost raped me.”

Levi raised his eyebrow at my straightforward answer, but I ignored him. I was too fired up to let this opportunity pass. I was pissed at Jax, and I was going to let him know, one way or another.

“There were three of them. They pinned me down and tried to force themselves on me, but Captain Levi saved me before that could happen. He killed two of them, and I took care of the third. If he hadn’t found me in time, they could have been successful.” _Sound familiar yet, Jax?_

It was easier to recall the assault, now that nearly a week had passed since then. Although I remembered each of their faces, I didn’t feel like I was struggling to breathe as I thought back to the incident. It was completely different to the incident with Jax; even though it had been eleven years since he attacked me, my arms and legs still trembled, and my chest felt tight and cold. Now with the three prisoners, I seemed to have no problem talking about what they had almost done to me.

_Maybe it’s because I didn’t have any sort of emotional attachment to them, like I did with Jax. I always saw those men as criminals—but I had seen Jax as someone I trusted completely. Someone I loved with all my heart._

The five noblemen were still stunned and silent. While their eyes were glazed over, Jax’s dark blue hues were as sharp as ever. The moment I met them, I knew— _I knew_ —he was thinking the same thing I was. He was remembering the day he had nearly raped me himself. But for some reason, he looked a little angry at the words that had just leapt from my lips. I had watched him as I spoke about those three foul men, and his eyes had hardened with each detail I gave them.

_I wonder—is he angry that someone else came so close to accomplishing what he had tried to do in the first place?_

“I’m…very sorry to hear about your ordeal, Captain Wolf.” I gave Gerald a tight smile. At least he had the audacity to refer to me as my proper title, given the circumstances. “However, the fact still remains: no human has ever lived beyond the Walls—”

“Then where do you suppose they came from?” Levi spat at them, clenching his fists at his sides. “Because they didn’t just appear out of thin air.”

“It is foolish to believe they were refugees from Wall Maria,” Deltoff pointed out. “Even with the obvious lack of Titans in the northern areas, it is nearly impossible to survive the winters without proper protection. The only logical explanation for their presence would be to assume they came from a northern village behind Wall Rose.”

But that was a lie. Apart from Utopia District, Wall Rose didn’t have many northern villages—and certainly not ones close enough to the Wall to begin with. Besides, even if a group of people attempted to go beyond the Walls by themselves, they would be stopped by either the Garrison or the Military Police that roamed that section of the Wall. Unless you were part of the Survey Corps, the chances of leaving the territory behind the Walls was slim to none.

_They can’t exactly deny the existence of those men, so they have to come up with an excuse. They all know their own MPs would be able to stop anyone who tried to escape, so why would they lie?_

_Unless…_

Goosebumps danced along my upper arms. Maybe my father _had_ been right all along. Maybe there really _was_ a place called Naraka outside the Walls. Maybe those prisoners had come from there in the first place. Maybe Naraka, despite all the myths and rumors surrounding it, actually existed in the lands north of Fuerth District.

I had chalked it up to a nightmare at this point, but now with the strange attitudes of the noblemen before us, I wasn’t so sure. Maybe they really did have a reason to hide such a place from us.

 _I can think about it later. Right now, I have to focus on getting out of this conference in one piece—so Leyna can chew me out later on._ I still hadn’t looked at my sister since the start of the meeting. I was still too scared to look into her eyes after coming clean about those three disgusting creatures.

“That’s not our _only_ explanation,” Aurille suddenly spoke up, jabbing a meaty finger in our direction. “Let’s not forget _who_ was out there in the first place. Over a hundred Scouts departed from the gates of Utopia District that day. It’s entirely plausible a few of them broke off from the formation and go rogue.”

As his words melted into my ears, I could feel my nails bite the soft flesh of my palms. I was _seething_ at such a horrid thought. If I wasn’t in danger of getting thrown into the dungeons below Mitras, I would have jumped over that table, wrapped my hands around his thick neck, and squeezed with every bit of strength I had.

“Are you suggesting that those men were fellow Scouts?!” I couldn’t even wrap my head around the fact he had come up with a suggestion so revolting. “The men of the Survey Corps are brave and honorable. They would _never_ stoop so low as to take advantage of a fellow soldier!”

None of the Scouts were perfect little angels, but they didn’t have to be. Sure, some of them drank a little too much, some slept around with multiple men and women, and some even got into one too many fights over trivial things around the base. But despite all of that, they all shared the same moral code. We didn’t harm our fellow Scouts, no matter what they did to anger us. We put our lives on the line for them, and in return, they were expected to do the same for us. We knew we had to have complete and total trust in each other, or else we would never survive beyond the Walls. Because of that, we always treated each other with dignity and respect, no matter what.

To think that a group of Scouts would purposely break away from the formation just to hunt down another soldier was vile and repulsive. But I knew Aurille wasn’t ashamed of what he had said. He never was.

“We cannot rule out such a possibility,” he replied, his bulging face twisted in an ugly smirk. “Besides the Scouts, who could be outside the Walls that day?”

I couldn’t mention Naraka to their faces—I was certain I would be thrown into the dungeons if I dared bring up anything that had to do with the outside world. Besides, even if it was true, I didn’t want to give them any reason to be suspicious of me. I could investigate this matter further once we were back at the Survey Corps castle and far away from the prying eyes of the nobles.

The only option I was left with was to admit defeat. While I wouldn’t deny the fact I had been attacked and nearly raped, I couldn’t pinpoint the exact origin of the three men. I refused to condemn the Scouts, since they had nothing to do with the whole ordeal. I could recognize every single face within the Survey Corps, and I hadn’t recognized the faces of those three men. They were unknown criminals I had never seen before they decided to attack me that day.

“Maybe they _were_ from one of the northern villages.”

I could see Levi’s head swivel in my direction at my meek voice. He knew as well as I did that those prisoners had come from the territory beyond Wall Rose—and possibly beyond Wall Maria, as well. But judging by the dark flash in his eyes, he knew he couldn’t outright say it, either. He had already risked it by mentioning the prisoners in the first place, and now we had to play along in order to get out unscathed.

“There’s no _maybe_ about it,” Aurille snarled, shuffling through the stack of papers in front of him. “It’s the only explanation—unless you believe they were part of the Survey Corps.”

But one glare from yours truly silenced him at once. I would gladly die before I accused any member of the Scouts of trying to commit such a horrendous action, and I was certain they would do the same.

“Besides, I don’t see the reason in even bringing such an issue up,” he continued. “You said they’re all dead, is that right? So what do you want us to do about it? It’s over and done with; what do you expect us to do?”

My face reddened at once. He was right, as much as it pained me to admit it. What _did_ I want them to do about it? Those three bastards had already been taken care of—Levi and I had seen to that. But now that they were dead, what did I expect them to do? It wasn’t as if we could haul them in and put them on trial. And even if we could, the nobles didn’t seem too concerned with my well-being to begin with. They looked as though they couldn’t care less what happened to me.

_Maybe I’ll hold off on telling them about Jax. I guess that answers that question. I knew it wasn’t worth it to bring it up. It’s not like they’re going to do anything about it now._

I bit my lip, and the metallic taste of blood filled my mouth. Maybe I just wanted some closure, so I could move past it. But it appeared as though I would have to work on it myself. I couldn’t expect any help from the royal assembly; I was on my own with this one, just like I had been with Jax.

“Moving on.” Roderich’s voice was firm, and I didn’t miss the tiny glare he sent in Aurille’s direction. “As Meyer pointed out, it is of our interest to know which landmarks the two of you came across during your time beyond the Wall. Would you mind telling us about any of them?”

I kept my answers short and sweet. I had to make sure Levi didn’t answer them instead; I didn’t want him to accidentally dig a deeper hole than the one we were currently in. “We didn’t pass many. We found two abandoned cabins east of the river, one of them belonging to the men that attacked us. We also passed the ruins of Skoll Castle, but we weren’t there for very long. That’s all.”

For the next thirty minutes or so, the assembly wanted to know nearly every single detail about our survival. I tried to give them as much information as I could, but there were some details I wanted to keep between me and Levi. I didn’t tell them about Levi’s wound or the night we spent together in Skoll Castle, cuddled up by the fireplace. When I was forced to tell them about our separate returns, I made sure I was as vague as possible. There was no reason they needed to know how hopeless I had felt at the possibility of him being dead, or the immense relief I felt upon seeing him ride up to Wall Rose at sunset. There were just some things they didn’t need to know.

Finally, Gerald stood up from his seat and nodded at us. “I believe we have everything we need in order to make our decision. Please inform your Commander that we expect to see him and the rest of the Scouts at first light tomorrow morning. With that said, you two are free to leave.”

But before I could even reach for Levi’s hand to pull him out of the stuffy conference room, another force yanked me away from him. I barely had a chance to say his name before my sister had dragged me out of the room by the scruff of my shirt, pulling me down the hall.

“Leyna, wait up!”

I did my best to unravel her fingers from my shirt, but she was just too strong. Even after all these years, she still had that incredible amount of strength she always displayed during our training days.

With each step I made, I could feel my chest getting tighter. I knew Leyna wouldn’t be pleased with the news of our separation from the rest of the soldiers, but I didn’t think she would be _this_ mad. But when I thought about it for a second longer, I realized I had only made it worse by mentioning what those three men had almost done to me. And now, she looked like she was going to burst.

I had only seen her this furious once before—when she had single-handedly defeated a burly cadet that had purposely hurt Ben during a session of ODM gear training. He had thought Ben was getting too cocky for his own good, considering how skilled he was with his ODM gear, so he had crashed into him when he attempted to take down a wooden Titan. Although Ben recovered quickly, Leyna wasn’t about to let something like that go. When she was certain our superiors weren’t listening, she challenged the cadet to a one-on-one fist fight, and he had accepted immediately. Unfortunately for him, he had been carted off to the medical wing by three other cadets, sporting at least two broken ribs, a split lib, and a large bump on his head. Leyna had come out unscathed, except for the busted skin on her knuckles. But that had healed in no time—the other cadet hadn’t been so lucky.

If she had done something like that to someone who had only tried to pull a prank on our brother, I couldn’t even imagine what she would do when someone had purposely tried to hurt her sister. Not only that, but she had to feel hurt that I didn’t tell her about it right away.

Suddenly, as we rounded the third corner, she practically threw me into the nearby wall and stared at me with those huge blue eyes. I shook my head and held my ground, willing my hands not to shake at my sides. I refused to look weak in front of her.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Leyna, we _just_ got back! I would have told you before, but there wasn’t enough time!”

But even as the words left my lips, I knew it was a lie. There was no guarantee I would have come clean to her about my near-assault; I probably wouldn’t have even brought it up to begin with. After all, she still had no idea what Jax had tried to do to me eleven years ago.

She took a step closer to me, and I resisted the urge to take one back. Up close, I could count the freckles splotched across her cheeks and nose. Now that her face was red, it was a little hard to spot them all.

“I always told you something like this would happen, and you never listened. _Never_! Mia, you could have _died_ out there! You could have died out in that snowstorm! And you still think it’s a good idea to stay in the Survey Corps? Are you _fucking_ _insane_?!”

The smug part of my brain wanted to reply that all of the Scouts were a little insane, or else we would never have the guts to go beyond the Wall in the first place. But judging by her puffed-out face and her darkened eyes, I didn’t think she would find the humor in it. Well, she never did, now that I thought about it.

“Leyna, I’ve been through worse.” I didn’t need to go into detail about all the comrades I had lost over the years, or the number of injuries I had sustained with each expedition. “It’s just a part of life at this point. Bad things will happen, I get it! But it’s over now! I’m safe now, and isn’t that all that matters?”

At least, that’s what Ma would have said. But even though Leyna took after our mother quite a bit, she didn’t inherit _all_ of her traits—and kindness and softness were the two that stuck out the most.

“But what if you didn’t come back?! What if you weren’t standing right here right now? What if you were still stuck outside the Wall?!”

Anger flooded my veins. _Now_ all of a sudden she cared about my well-being? Not once in my eleven years as a Scout did Leyna feel the need to treat me like this. Sure, she still didn’t see why I had chosen it over the Military Police or the Garrison, but she never intervened like this.

_She should be used to this by now. This isn’t the first time I’ve risked my life beyond the Walls, and it definitely won’t be the last._

Everyone in my family knew that there was a possibility I wouldn’t come home someday. Ma knew it, but she rarely spoke of it; no mother wanted to think about her child’s death. Dad was the same way, more or less, and he knew exactly what I was facing every time we stepped outside the Walls. Ben was quiet about his disapproval, but he was still supportive of me, no matter what I did. And Leyna didn’t hesitate to insult me or belittle me for choosing the Survey Corps, but at the end of the day, she knew deep down there was nothing she could say to make me change my mind. I was born to be a Scout, just like my father, and _no one_ was going to take that away from me.

She took another step towards me and placed her hands on my shoulders. I bit back a wince as her fingers dug into my skin; if she didn’t ease up soon, I was certain I would have a few bruises tomorrow. “But it’s not just that, Mia. I can deal with the Titans. I can deal with you fighting them and risking your life. But you were almost _raped_.”

My face flushed red with shame. “It’s behind me, Leyna. It’s in the past. It won’t happen again.” Then again, I had promised myself the same thing after Jax, and look where that had gotten me.

“You don’t know that!” She was getting desperate now, I could tell. This time, I didn’t hold back my wince as she wrapped her hands around my shoulders. “You don’t know what could happen outside those Walls!”

“Leyna, it was _one time_!” _Two times—don’t forget about Jax_. “It won’t happen again! Besides, it’s not like those men are still out there! They’re dead! Levi and I made sure of that!”

My sister’s eyes softened as I spoke about the three criminals in such a casual tone. “You shouldn’t have to kill _humans_ …”

Silence swept over the two of us. I didn’t know what else to say. Although I loved my sister dearly, I didn’t want to be here with her right now. I knew she wasn’t done with whatever she had to say to me; whenever she scolded either me or Ben, she always ate up at least a half hour with her rambling. I was grateful she was protective of me, but this was getting to be a little too much. Throughout my years of knowing her, she had never acted this _clingy_ with me.

_Besides, it’s not like we haven’t seen each other in a few years. We say each other just last year, during our last visit to Mitras. Why does she care about what happens to me right now? It can’t just be the recent expedition—there has to be something else. She has to be acting this way for another reason._

But before I could say anything, she regained her composure and gave me one of her famous “mom glares”—the one she had gotten from Ma. “Listen, you’re a good soldier. Any other regiment would be honored to take you in. If you resign now, I’m sure we can find you a place in Mitras. You can even work with one of the patrol squads, so you don’t have to stay in one place for too long—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa—back up! Who said anything about resigning?!” I gave her a gentle push on her chest, taking another step away from her. “I’m not leaving the Scouts, Leyna. One little mishap isn’t enough to make me quit doing what I love.”

Was she insane?! Mitras was the last place I wanted to spend the rest of my days in. It was full of stuffy rooms, annoying rich people, and drunken MPs who did nothing but slack off all day. Besides, _Jax_ was still living here! I didn’t want to have to live in fear of him every day, wondering whether or not he would be following me or watching me wherever I went. I wanted to get as far away from him as I possibly could, no matter what it took. It would be a snowy day in hell before I ever decided to live in Mitras permanently, even if it meant being closer to my sister.

Leyna’s hand suddenly shot out, and she gripped the front of my shirt, pulling me close to her. “You _love_ it? Mia, do you even hear yourself?!” Her blue eyes were huge and wild by now, filled with an emotion I could put my finger on. “Then I guess you _love_ watching your comrades die? You _love_ risking your life every single day? You _love_ putting yourself at danger?”

“Leyna, stop it! It’s not like that!”

I didn’t take pleasure in any of those things, and she knew it. I wanted to join the Scouts not only because I wanted to follow in our father’s footsteps, but because I wanted to help bring humanity to the glorious state it had been in, before the Titans had stolen our world from us. She knew she was lying, but at that moment, she didn’t even look like she cared. All she was concerned with was making sure I would give up on the Scouts and join her in the interior, where she could keep her thumb over me at all times.

“Come on, Mia, use your head!” She leaned in closer, her breath falling over my ear. “You know there’s something strange going on. The assembly didn’t send the Scouts on that expedition just because they wanted you guys to survey the northern territories. If they wanted to do that, they could’ve just waited until spring. But they _didn’t_.”

She paused, making sure we were still alone in the hallway before turning back to me. Her grip tightened on the front of my shirt.

“They sent you guys out there in the dead of winter to _kill_ you. I don’t know the whole story, but I’m sure that’s what they were trying to do. They’ve always been sick of the Survey Corps, so they decided to get rid of some of your soldiers. But you guys came back—and they’re not happy about it.”

“Leyna, cut it out!”

It wasn’t like her to be enamored with conspiracy theories like this. While I didn’t like the royal assembly one bit, I definitely didn’t buy into this story. There was no doubt the nobles wished the Survey Corps would disband, but would they actually resort to _murder_ , like Leyna insisted? Surely if they wanted to get rid of us easily, they could have just pulled our funding and order us to break up the regiment, right? Why would they feel the need to go out of their way to make sure that a certain number of Scouts died?

No matter how hard I pushed and pulled, Leyna wouldn’t loosen her grip. If anything, she drew me even closer to her, wrapping her free arm around my shoulders. I writhed against her chest, pressing my hands against her skin. But she was strong—the strongest out of the three Wolf siblings—and she held me against her with ease.

“Mia, please! I know it sounds crazy, but you have to believe me! They’re out to get you, I _know_ they are! You have to get out while you still have a chance!”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about! Now let me go!”

“Please, you gave to listen to me!”

“Leyna, let go!” Her grip on my shoulders was starting to burn. “You’re hurting me!”

“Mimi—”

“Leyna, don’t—”

“Damn it, I just don’t want my little sister to die!”

My back collided with the wall behind me, and a strangled puff of air left my mouth. My spine tingled with pain, and my shoulders still burned from the imprints of her fingers. With my lips parted, I stared up at my sister, a rush of fear coursing through my body.

She had _pushed_ me. My sister, who had never raised a hand to neither me nor Ben once in our entire lives, had shoved me into the wall.

Her eyes flashed with remorse, and she raised her hand up to cover her mouth. “Mia, I’m sorry—”

But the damage was already done. With a huff, I pushed myself off the wall and sprinted down the hallway, not even caring where I ended up. A small sense of relief washed over me when I failed to hear her footsteps behind me, leaving her behind in the dust.

|~|

I had roamed the nearly empty castle for a few minutes, trying to familiarize myself with the layout once more. Eventually, I found the balcony Levi had shown me all those months ago, and I wasted no time in climbing up the jagged bricks and onto the rooftop. Once I was safe and sound, where no one could find me, I shrugged my jacket off, balled it up into my hands, and screamed into the thick brown fabric. When my throat finally felt raw, I pulled my jacket back on and continued to stare out into the city below, resting my arms on my knees.

I couldn’t tear my mind away from what Leyna had said. While there was a part of me that didn’t want to believe her, there was also a part of me that sympathized with her and bought her entire story. But then the rational side of my brain kicked in, and I told myself that it was ridiculous.

The royal assembly couldn’t be out to get the Survey Corps, right? We were far from being on good terms with them, but they never sought out to kill us. The worst they had done over the years was threaten to cut our funding, and they never followed through. Although they had come close, they always backed out at the last minute. Why all of a sudden would they choose to purposely put us in danger like that?

They probably didn’t want to do anything that could prompt or incite a military takeover, so why would they put themselves at risk like that? Why would they go out of their way to try to have some of us killed? It didn’t make any sense.

But then again…they _had_ chosen to send us out there during one of the most dangerous seasons for the northern territories. They should have known better, but I didn’t know whether to chalk their actions up to pure ignorance or malicious intent. I wanted to assume the former, but thanks to Leyna’s words, I was inclined to think of the latter.

I sat outside on the rooftop for at least an hour, all alone with my thoughts. I was grateful Leyna hadn’t tried to find me. I didn’t know what I would say to her if I happened to cross paths with her again. I didn’t think she was insane—she was actually one of the brightest soldiers I knew—but she had to be spewing nonsense when she spoke of this conspiracy. It was odd for her to engage in such gossip, especially when she held the king and the royal assembly in such high regard. She was absolutely enamored with everything the king had to offer; it wasn’t like her to entertain herself with outlandish theories concerning them.

But if that was the case, why would she do so to begin with? She didn’t have a reputation as a liar, but I knew she was involved with politics here in Mitras, so maybe that tended to rub off on her. Still, it was a pretty big accusation. If anyone had heard her, she could have been accused of treason and tossed into the dungeons, despite her status as a Blade of the King’s Guard. Why would she run such a high risk if she knew the consequences?

I groaned and pressed a hand to my hand, shielding my eyes from the afternoon sun. It was getting late now, and dinner would be served soon. I didn’t want to see Leyna again, not after the incident in the hall, but it didn’t look like I had much of a choice. I knew I couldn’t ignore her forever, no matter how nice the idea sounded.

The sound of stones scraping together jerked my head to the right. My heart only calmed down when I saw Levi scaling the jagged rocks, pulling himself up next to me. I gave him a smile, but by the eyebrow he raised at me, he could tell it was forced.

“Why are you hiding out up here?” His arm brushed against mine as he pulled his legs up and over the edge of the roof.

I shrugged my shoulders and hung my head. “Leyna pissed me off. This was the first place I thought of, so I figured I’d come here to blow off some steam.”

I didn’t want to tell him that this had been the same exact place he had taken me the last time we were in Mitras, when I needed to calm down after remembering how Jax had tried to hurt me. Even though he hadn’t been with me this time, it was still comforting to know this place only existed because he had shown it to me. But I couldn’t say that out loud to him—I knew I would only get flustered if I did. And even though I usually enjoyed it, I was not in the mood for _any_ of his teasing tonight.

“So you decide to sit out here in the cold?”

“It’s better than staying inside that stuffy castle.”

The next few moments passed in silence, with the two of us staring out into the city below. I could see the lights of some of the shops and apartments spring to life as the sky darkened above us. The smoke from the factories began to thin out as they quelled for the night. If I squinted my eyes, I could spot a few pedestrians roaming the streets, tugging their children and loved ones alongside them.

“I’m…sorry about telling them.” His voice was softer than usual, but I could still make out every word with ease. “Maybe it wasn’t my place to tell them about those men—”

But I shook my head and gave him a smile—a real one this time. “Don’t worry about it. They were going to find out eventually. It’s just…” I glanced around the rooftop, making sure we were alone. “Don’t mention anything about Naraka in front of them, okay? Let’s keep it between us until we know what we’re dealing with. If they get the wrong idea about it, they’ll accuse us of meddling with the outside world and all kinds of forbidden artifacts, and stuff like that. It’s going to be a shitshow, and I’d rather not get sucked into it. And I don’t think you want to, either.”

He shrugged his shoulders, but I could still see the reluctance in his eyes. I knew he didn’t want to leave such an important issue behind, but what choice did we have? We couldn’t investigate it or discuss it freely without running the risk of being thrown into the dungeons. Besides, with the three men now dead and rotting outside in the snow, we didn’t have any more leads. Even if Naraka existed, we still had no way of finding out what it was or where it was located. All we had to go by were the notes in my father’s journal, and most of them had already been scratched out by now. As much as I hated giving up a good chase, I knew there was no real chance of learning about it any time soon.

With a bitter laugh, I thought about asking Leyna to investigate it for us, while she was stationed in Mitras. But the thought quickly vanished from my mind once I remembered how she had treated me in the hallway not two hours ago.

“Alright, what is it?” Levi nudged me with his elbow, jolting me out of my thoughts. “Your sister pissed you off, is that it? I don’t have to get Hanji to kick her ass, do I?”

I couldn’t help but smile at that. At least he was doing his best to cheer me up. Besides, I couldn’t even count on both hands the number of times Hanji had offered to do the same for me whenever Leyna upset me. While she often told me to be the bigger person and ignore her, she didn’t hesitate to send her fists flying whenever she really got on my nerves.

“I don’t think so. But I appreciate it, though.”

I wanted to tell him about our argument, but at the same time, I didn’t want to stir up hateful feelings between him and the royal assembly (well, they were probably already there to begin with, but still, I didn’t want to make them even worse).

“She’s just…really annoying, okay? She wanted me to resign from the Survey Corps, and then she got mad when I told her I wouldn’t. I mean, I chose the Scouts for a reason, and I’m not going to back out just because of one bad expedition.” I let out a huff and ran my hands through my hair. “It’s like she finally cares about my well-being. I get that she doesn’t want me to get hurt or die, but she doesn’t get it. I’ve _always_ had to run that risk. But all of a sudden she cares whether I live or die.”

Maybe I was being harsh, but she had _really_ ticked me off. All her life she belittled me and called me a suicidal maniac for wanting to join the Scouts like our father. She even insulted him for the choices he had made in his earlier years, and she constantly reminded us that he probably would have been able to keep his legs if he hadn’t joined the Survey Corps. But despite all of that, she never made a move to sabotage my career with them. She always left me to make my own decisions, left me with my own judgements. She never wanted to intervene—until today. Now, she was acting as if I had committed some kind of great sin if I didn’t resign from the Scouts and come live with her in the interior with the Military Police for the rest of my life.

“It’s just… She can be so… _infuriating_ sometimes!” I let out another groan and held my forehead in my hand. “Sometimes I just don’t know how to deal with her.”

As I rambled on, I started to feel a little guilty. Here I was, complaining to him about my sister and her antics, keeping him out here in the cold for longer than he probably would have liked. He didn’t like Leyna to begin with, so why was I even telling him about all this? Why would he care about the way she made me feel? It wasn’t really my place to tell him about all of this, and frankly, I wasn’t sure he _wanted_ to hear it to begin with.

I _t’s just like the time I told him about what happened to Rosalie and Emmett. It all just comes out at once, and I can’t help myself. He must be so sick of it by now._

“…Ah, sorry…” My cheeks flooded with heat. “You…you probably don’t want to hear me complain…”

“It’s fine,” he answered at once. I turned my head toward him just as he dragged his hand across my hair. “I’m used to hearing you complain by now.”

“I…I don’t do it that often!”

He remained silent, but the smirk on his face told me everything. I rolled my eyes and nudged him lightly in the ribs with my elbow. I hid a smile when he made no move to take his hand off my head.

The two of us continued to sit on the rooftop for a few minutes longer. Now that he was with me, the cold air around me didn’t bother me as much. The heat from his body was enough to keep me warm, even if he was pressed to my right side only. Eventually, he dropped his hand a little lower and grazed my left shoulder, pulling me just a bit closer to him. I wanted to tease him about it, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment.

“Don’t let her get to you.” His baritone voice was strangely soothing as his hot breath fanned over the side of my face. “People like that have a strange way of showing how much they care. If you want my opinion, I’d say she’s just doing what she thinks is best for you.”

I rolled my eyes, scooting closer to him on the roof. “Maybe… Then does that mean _you_ fall under that category?”

I thought about all the times he pulled me close to him and let me stay in his office, even though he was busy. I thought about the training sessions and sleepovers we would have in either my room or his. I even thought about the many times he would stop by my office just to give me a cup of tea, even though he was already busy enough with his duties. No matter how stressed he was, or how much he had on his plate, he always seemed to make time for me. Maybe it was his own weird way of showing he cared about me.

His gray eyes slanted into a glare. “Don’t push it, brat. You already know the answer to that.”

 _Then I’ll take it as a yes_. I couldn’t hold back the triumphant smirk that had planted itself on my face. “So, even the great Captain Levi has feelings? I can’t believe it.”

He scoffed and turned his head away, but I could still see the faint blush painted across his cheeks. “Stop that. I’m not great.”

 _Always so humble, isn’t he?_ But I shook my head and leaned closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder. “Oh, don’t be so modest. You’re building quite the reputation among the citizens. I think they’re starting to call you Humanity’s Strongest, or something like that.”

It was true. Whenever Hanji and I visited one of the major districts or the small villages nearby, we could hear at least a handful of people muttering to themselves about the incredibly skilled soldier who had joined the Survey Corps. By now, Levi’s Titan kill count had vastly surpassed my own, but I wasn’t bitter toward him because of that. As long as those monsters were being slain, I didn’t care who did it.

A sly smile made its way onto his face as he met my eyes. “What, are you jealous about that?”

“Not really. I prefer working behind the scenes, anyway. I don’t mind being a sidekick.” _Especially if you’re the one I’m working with._

He gave a soft laugh—a _real_ laugh, the kind I only heard when he was genuinely amused. With another pat to my head, he mumbled, “You’re absolutely hopeless, kid.”

I was tempted to rest my head on his shoulder again, but before I had the chance, he was already moving toward the edge of the roof. He began climbing down the row of jagged stones embedded in the wall, giving me the softest smile.

“Come on, let’s go inside. It’s freezing out here, and I don’t want you getting sick.”

“It’s sweet that you care, Levi.”

“Shut up.”

Although the words were harsh, I knew he didn’t mean anything by them. So I simply smiled and followed him down the wall of the castle. Once we were back on the balcony, I let him lead me down the golden halls, with his hand firmly wrapped around my own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here are some of my personal favorite bits of this chapter to write: Erwin annoying the assembly; Levi being a supportive "boyfriend" and defending Mia against the assembly; Mia lashing out at Jax (it's about time); and the bit of fluff at the end between our two lovebirds. Personally, I feel like they can see each other as both romantic interests and good friends, whenever the situation is appropriate. Sometimes they just need each other to lean on, and those are my favorite moments to write for them. 
> 
> Mia suspects Naraka is actually real, especially with the assembly's poor attempts to cover up their tracks...but the question still remains. Leyna's theory is definitely plausible, but her change in behavior is so sudden that Mia can't take her seriously. Leyna has never gone against the agenda of the assembly, so this is all new territory for her. She better play her cards right--who knows who's listening in the capital? 
> 
> Probably one of the hardest things to write in this chapter was Mia's decision to put the concept of Naraka aside, for her own safety, as well as Levi's. Both of them want to look into it more, but they know they can't risk putting themselves in danger before the royal government. But of course, this will just add on to the growing distrust Mia has for the government, which comes to a breaking point in Sn 3, when they start to go after the Scouts. As a writer who is deeply invested in lore (and my attempts to put lore into this story, haha), I want to tell you guys EVERYTHING there is to know about Naraka, just so you're not left hanging so abruptly. But just like Mia says, it's dangerous to delve in information about the outside world, especially if it makes the govt look bad. But I PROMISE, it will come up later in the story! (I know, I'm saying that about a lot of things, but I mean it! We have 2 more installments after this story is done--I don't want to put too much on you guys, with everything else that's going on, haha) 
> 
> I'm going on vacation for the next few days, so I may be a little slow in replying to your comments. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope to see you soon for the next chapter! :)


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a bit of everything in it, so it's a little bit all over the place (if that makes sense). There's angst, healing, comfort - and even a bit of crack in the last third (because I couldn't resist). Apparently I really like putting Levi and Mia in awkward situations... Oh well! I hope you enjoy this chapter! :)

|XXXIX|

Throughout the rest of the night, I did my best to avoid Leyna. I sat on the far side of the table in the dining hall, at least four seats away from her, with both Hanji and Levi sitting beside me. Hanji could tell something was wrong between us the moment she saw me walk in with Levi, and due to her incessant nagging, I ended up caving in and explaining the roots of our fight once we were safe and sound in our little shared room on the second floor of the castle. For once, she didn’t try to interrupt me with her own theories; she simply sat back and listened to everything I had to say, keeping her thoughts to herself. Honestly, “Secretive” Hanji scared me even more than “Talkative Scientist” Hanji.

“It _is_ a little weird, given the circumstances of the expedition,” she finally replied in a soft voice. “But I don’t believe the assembly would be willing to do something that rash, even if they were fed up with the Scouts. They wouldn’t want to do anything that would trace back to them, anyway. In the end, they only care about themselves.”

“…Maybe you’re right.”

It was no secret the nobles prioritized themselves over the Scouts, and perhaps the other branches of the military. But what could we do about that? _They_ held the power inside these Walls, not us. With that said, Hanji and I dropped the subject and turned our attention to more innocent matters, like the earlier meeting with the assembly and the overall future of the Survey Corps—as well as the presence of my ex-boyfriend, unfortunately.

I had been worried about running into Jax at dinner, but thankfully, I saw no such sign of the dark haired man. I assumed he was currently with the other members of the assembly, but I didn’t dwell too much on it. I had enough on my mind as it was; I didn’t need to stress out over Jax, as well.

Still, as I tossed and turned in the sheets of my bed in the dead of night, I couldn’t get my mind off of him. I was still pissed at the way he had acted during the conference, when he heard about what those three men had almost done to me. Of course, if Hanji had been there with me, she would have told everyone in that room what she thought of Jax. She had done her best over the years to respect my wishes of keeping that night a secret, but even she could only take so much before she cracked. And if she had been there earlier, there was no doubt in my mind she would have spilled everything to everyone in that room—including Levi and Leyna.

_Whatever. It’s over and done with, so there’s no use thinking about it anymore._

With a heavy sigh, I rolled over on my side and closed my eyes. I didn’t fall asleep until maybe an hour later, when I finally wore myself out with my thoughts.

|~|

Erwin led us to the conference room at first light, just as the assembly had requested. It was such a relief being back with the rest of the Squad Leaders. I wasn’t particularly close to any of them, save for Hanji and Levi, but I had missed them dearly in the past few days. It was nice to finally see them in person again, knowing each of them had made it out of the bloodbath alive.

Before we stepped inside the conference room, Erwin shot me a stern glance from over his shoulder. I understood the message: keep my lips sealed. The Survey Corps were already in enough trouble, and Erwin didn’t need me causing any more, as tempting as it was. And judging by the way his eyes darted to Levi, who was standing in between me and Hanji, the message was the same for him, as well.

The two MPs from the day before were still stationed outside the conference room. At Erwin’s curt greeting, they allowed us to pass through—hopefully for the last time in a while. I was not looking forward to coming back to this city any time soon, especially after my fight with Leyna.

As usual, the five members of the assembly were seated at the dark oak table at the front of the room. I glanced to the left at the three Blades—but I could only recognize Emil. My sister was nowhere to be found.

_That’s strange. She rarely misses a meeting like this. Is she still mad at me?_

But that didn’t sound like Leyna. She never let family matters get in the way of her job as an MP.

Aurille gave us a forced greeting before jumping right into business: “After much deliberation, a decision regarding the Survey Corps has been made.”

There was a little spark of hope in my chest. Whatever this decision was, he didn’t look too thrilled about it. Maybe that was a good sign for us.

“We have decided to allow the Scouts to remain operational. All decisions regarding expeditions and promotions of soldiers will be left to the Premier, just as before. Commander, you are free to make any decisions concerning your regiment, upon consulting with Premier Zackly, of course.”

A sigh of relief passed through my lips. So far, so good. It looked like everything was going back to normal. Perhaps after this little stunt, the assembly realized it couldn’t take full control of the Scouts, and now they were trying to remedy the situation. Of course, that wouldn’t bring back the countless lives we had lost over the last week, due to that cursed expedition in the first place.

_If everything’s going to be okay, why do I feel like something bad is going to happen?_

A dead weight had settled in the pit of my chest, and it only grew worse the longer I stared at each of the noblemen before us. The Scouts weren’t used to things going their way like this, so I knew it was bound to end at some point. There had to be a catch somewhere; the royal assembly wasn’t about to let this whole mess go without doing _something_ that would benefit themselves. The entire Survey Corps knew them better than that.

“However, the Scouts will not be left unchecked. We have decided to assign an officer of authority to accompany you back to your base. He will keep the assembly informed of your activity and inspect the Scouts as a whole. Surely you understand, considering your recent track record,” Aurille added, an ugly sneer on his face.

But before Commander Erwin could respond, the portly politician opened his mouth once more. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. _I guess this was the part I was dreading. Oh, well. Do your worst, I guess._

“The assembly has decided to nominate Jackson Meyer for such a position.”

An audible gasp could be heard, followed by absolute silence. I glanced to my left, where Hanji stared straight ahead, chewing on her bottom lip. She hadn’t been exactly subtle with her shock, and now, the rest of the Squad Leaders were sneaking sideways glances at her.

It took a moment for the realization to sink in. Once it did, I could feel my hands began to tremble. Blood surged to my head, and my heartbeat pounded in my ears. I willed myself to keep a straight face, especially in front of my comrades—in front of the assembly—in front of _him_.

_This has to be a mistake. Maybe I heard him wrong. Yeah, that’s it. Jax isn’t coming back to base with us, they’re sending in another average MP. Besides, he’s part of the assembly—he doesn’t have the time to take a break and babysit the Scouts._

But as Aurille kept talking, I realized I hadn’t misheard. This was real, and it was happening.

And I was powerless to stop it.

“Any concerns, Commander?”

At least I had the sense to elbow Hanji sharply in the ribs before she could open her mouth. I didn’t trust her enough to make a scene, especially in front of Levi. At least Leyna was absent at the moment, but that didn’t mean I needed the rest of the Scouts to know what had happened between me and Jax that night.

“Not at all,” Erwin replied in a cool voice. “I trust that Meyer will be ready to leave the capital within the hour. It’s a long journey back to our base, as you know.”

“Of course,” Aurille muttered. “Meyer, do you agree to these terms?”

For the first time since the meeting began, I glanced at my ex-boyfriend, who was in his usual spot at the far end of the table. Unsurprisingly, he appeared to be elated at the news of his sudden placement. To anyone else, he would look indifferent, simply interested in doing his job, but I had known him for three years. I knew, by the smug look in his eye, that he was looking forward to following us back to our base.

“Of course I do. It’s an honor to be nominated. I promise, I won’t let the assembly down.”

My stomach churned as he flashed me a smile

As the meeting continued, I ended up paying little to no attention to the words exchanged between Erwin and the nobles. I kept my eyes on the floor, my head swimming and my heart racing. I mulled over Jax’s new assignment—and the fact he would be staying at the base for an indefinite amount of time.

 _This is it,_ I realized with a jolt. _This was what I had been worried about for the past few days. I tried to convince myself that he was gone and out of my life, and there was no way he would be leaving Mitras. Now, it looks like I’ll have to see him at least every day._

The Survey Corps base was my safe haven. It was my true home, especially now that my family’s home in Shiganshina had been lost. The main castle gave refuge to my fellow soldiers, my brothers and sisters in green. The mess hall was where I spent most of my time with Hanji and my squad, when I could finally find some time to relax. The forest with our training equipment was where I spent my nights with Levi, training under his watchful eye and staring up at the stars when we were too exhausted to continue. The stables held Edel, one of my dearest friends in the whole world, as well as Mischa, and a number of other horses I had come to love over the years. Even the small lake a few miles south of the base, shrouded in trees and bushes, was a place I could go if I ever needed to get away from all the stress that came with being a Scout.

These locations were too precious to me. To see them tainted with Jax’s presence would be heartbreaking. It was the only place I could feel safe at without having to worry about him. I didn’t want to lose that little bit of security I allowed myself to enjoy.

But what choice did I have in the matter? I couldn’t exactly blurt out everything that had happened that night at the graduation ceremony. I knew the assembly wouldn’t care, and they would simply tell me to suck it up and deal with it, and to not let my personal feelings get in the way of my duties. I was practically nonexistent to them, and my concerns about my well-being and safety weren’t exactly at the top of their priority list.

Besides, how could I be certain that Erwin wouldn’t tell me the exact same thing if I ended up telling him about it? There was no doubt he cared about the soldiers under his command, and I knew he thought highly of me, due to my skill and status as a Squad Leader. But was he really prepared to defy the assembly and refuse to take in Jax, just so I wouldn’t lose sleep at night? He was no stranger to risks, but something told me this one wouldn’t be in his best interest.

Before I could ponder over it any further, the meeting came to an end, and Erwin led us out of the conference room. I could feel Hanji’s eyes on me with every move I made. I knew she would want to talk about this later, and at the very least, she would urge me to tell the Commander about my past experience with Jax. But I was going to hold that conversation off for as long as I could. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with that kind of stress, not after everything that had happened.

|~|

On the carriage ride back to Orvud District, I came to a realization. I didn’t have just one pair of eyes on me—I had _three_. The seven of us had been squished into the tiny cab: while I sat between Levi and Hanji on one side, Erwin, Mike, Ness, and Jax sat across from us. Just as my luck would have it, Jax was seated directly across from me, his shiny black dress shoes brushing against my boots. Even though I kept my gaze focused on my hands in my lap, I could feel those dark blue hues burning holes into my body. What made it even worse was knowing that Hanji and Levi were doing the same.

_…Can I at least breathe, you guys? You’re crowding me._

Thankfully, Erwin, Mike and Ness were occupied with their own conversation about the future of the Scouts. Erwin had asked Hanji for her opinion on something, and she was forced to break away from me for a moment. Now I just had to deal with Levi and Jax.

I didn’t like how tense Levi felt next to me. His face remained as emotionless as ever, but his eyes were a different story. They were alight with dark gray flames, reminding me of thunderstorms. It was _terrifying_ , but I knew his anger wasn’t directed at me. If anything, he was most likely remembering the last time I had acted when I had been in Jax’s presence.

“It’ll be nice to finally see the Survey Corps base for my own eyes.” To an outsider, Jax appeared to be making friendly conversation, in order to break the ice between us. But I knew all of his little tricks by now. “I hope one of you would be able to give me a tour when we arrive.”

I didn’t miss the suggestive wink he sent me. My throat burned with bile, and I had to press my hand to my mouth in order to fight the urge to vomit. The interior of this little carriage was most likely expensive, and neither the driver nor Erwin would be pleased if I decided to empty my stomach right then and there.

“Sure, I’ll show you around.” Levi’s voice was hard, his glare never faltering.

Jax blinked, but a second later, that cool nature had returned, and he flashed us a dazzling smile. _The kind that used to excite me when I was fourteen years old_. “Ah, of course! I would be honored to spend some time with Humanity’s Strongest. I’ve heard quite a bit about you, to be honest. And Mia, I hear you’re becoming pretty famous, as well!”

I kept my lips sealed. I didn’t want to waste words on him until I had to. So I simply nodded, diverting my eyes back to my lap.

The edge of my cloak lifted slightly, and suddenly, Levi’s hand was folded around my own. He gave it a gentle squeeze—not too tight, but enough to let me know he was here. Honestly, it was all I could ask for at the moment.

But the glint in Jax’s dark blue eyes didn’t go unnoticed, either. With a gulp, I squeezed his hand even tighter and continued to stare at my lap, dreading the days to come.

|~|

Once we reached Orvud District and retrieved our horses from the stable hands, I began to feel a little more at ease. Having Edel nearby always calmed me down, and once I was settled in his saddle, I felt a little more in control. At least now I had a form of escape—if Jax dared to get too close to me, I could always urge Edel to ride just a little faster.

Just like before, Erwin led the way around Wall Rose. The trek was silent for the most part. It wasn’t until we passed the inner gate of Karanes District that Jax began to get a little more talkative. But he didn’t want to talk to Erwin, or any of our veteran soldiers. He didn’t even want to talk to Levi, arguably the strongest soldier the Survey Corps had ever seen. Instead, he wanted to talk to me.

What a surprise.

“Just like old times, right, Mia?” My fingers tightened around the reins at the sound of my name spilling from his lips. “I remember it like it was yesterday. We used to—”

He suddenly snapped his mouth shut as Hanji forced her own horse in between us, her eyes hard and hostile behind those shiny glasses of hers. She leaned in close to Jax, her lip curled up in a snarl. With her hair wild and frizzy, she looked just as terrifying as the Titans she always fawned over.

“You listen to me, and you listen _well_ , Meyer.” She kept her voice low enough so the Commander wouldn’t overhear her. “I don’t want to see you anywhere near Mia. You don’t talk to her, you don’t go near her—hell, don’t even _look_ at her! Not after what you tried to pull, you bastard.”

It made me feel a little evil to admit it, but a part of me enjoyed seeing Hanji’s dangerous side. She often portrayed herself as a careless, fun-loving scientist who didn’t mind getting her hands dirty. She disregarded safety, much to the frustration of myself and Moblit. But when she was agitated, she could become a whole other person entirely. Getting violent wasn’t beneath her, as she demonstrated in our last visit to Mitras when she saw Jax for the first time, and she had no problem in letting people know it. I knew it wasn’t that likely to happen, but just in case, I prayed I never had to suffer her wrath for myself.

But Jax remained silent at her outburst, seemingly unaffected by the threats she made. He shrugged his shoulders and kept his eyes on me, outright defying Hanji’s order. My skin prickled as continued to stare at me. Pain pierced my hands as I realized I was gripping Edel’s reins way too roughly.

“I would never do anything to hurt her, Hanji. You know that.” I nearly scoffed at the blatantly insincere tone he used. “It was a misunderstanding on your part, I assure you. Nothing happened between us that night.”

“Only because I found you in time,” Hanji spat at him, her eyes nothing but pure fire at this point. “I know what I saw last night, and if you think what you tried to do to her—”

“Hanji, quit it.”

She whirled around to face me, her face distraught and hopeless. I knew all she wanted to do was to protect me from him, but I couldn’t hide behind her forever. I had to deal with this on my own, whether I liked it or not. And dealing with it on my own meant keeping it between the three of us—and not letting another soul know what happened. I didn’t need to burden anyone else with my personal problems, no matter how long they had been haunting me.

But before she could respond, Erwin glanced back at us from over his shoulder. “Hanji, if you don’t mind, I’d like to have a word with you, regarding the next possible expedition.”

Of course, that was Erwin for you: always looking ahead into the future, planning our next attack. That’s what Hanji and I admired most about him, and it’s what made her and Erwin such an unstoppable team in the field. He trusted her wholeheartedly—perhaps even more than me and Levi—and because of that, Hanji was always ecstatic to help him plan out strategies and battle plans.

But this time, she was reluctant to join him. She didn’t want to leave my side and leave me for the beast in human form beside me. She didn’t want to leave me alone and defenseless with this man, in fear he would say or do something to upset me.

But I wasn’t defenseless after all. I urged Edel closer to Levi and Mischa, my knee brushing against his own. When I met Hanji’s eyes, I gave her a reassuring nod. She returned it at once, a soft smile on her face, before picking up speed and joining Erwin at the front of the group.

She didn’t have to worry about me. I had no intentions of leaving myself alone with that bastard. I wouldn’t give him an opportunity to try to pull something on me. I was no longer the scared fifteen-year-old I had been eleven years ago. If I had a chance to be with anyone else, whether it was Hanji, Levi, or one of the other Scouts, I would take it. I wouldn’t let him take advantage of me again.

I let my eyes wander over to Levi, who was seated stiffly in the saddle. His silver gaze was focused on the road ahead of us, his gloved fists clenched tightly around the reins. His shoulders were almost rigid, and his mouth was set in a firm line. It was jarring to see him so worked up like this, wrapped up in his own silent fury. I knew none of it was directed at me, or he would have let me know by now, but still, it unnerved me to no end.

_He must hate this little arrangement with Jax as much as Hanji and I do. I don’t blame him for getting so annoyed with him; it’s no secret that he doesn’t like Jax._

And that was _without_ knowing what he had tried to do to me all those years ago. A shudder ripped through my body as I imagined how he would react if I ever told him about that night.

_No, stop it. He doesn’t need to know. Stop dreaming and focus on the here and now. You don’t need to bother him with your problems, Wolf. You do that enough already._

Edel let out a sharp huff as Jax steered his horse toward us, riding up to my other side. I bit back a groan—even my own _horse_ didn’t like my ex-boyfriend! What more would it take for him to realize I didn’t want to talk to him, that I would never forgive him for what he tried to pull the night of our graduation ceremony? What would it take for him to finally get it through his thick skull? I wanted him out of my life for good, and I wanted to keep our interactions at the bare minimum, if possible. Why couldn’t he just see that and leave me alone?

“I don’t want to intrude on your private matters,” he began in that silky voice of his, “but I can’t help but comment on your growing reputations. The two of you make quite a team, don’t you? I’ve heard your combined kill counts exceed well over a hundred Titans! That’s incredible!”

I rolled my eyes before leaning down and giving Edel a comforting pat on the neck. He was just trying to suck up to us, to make us think he was actually our ally. But I knew how he worked by now, and his intentions were anything but pure and good-hearted. He had an agenda—and possibly a personal mission—to fulfill, and going by the persistence he showcased in our training days, I knew he would stop at nothing to make sure he succeeded.

“Of course, I shouldn’t be surprised. You were always at the top of the class with ODM training, Mia.” His eyes trailed over to Levi, who was still staring straight ahead. My stomach dropped as I watched the shadow of a smirk settle over his features. “I don’t know if she’s told you this yet, captain, but the two of us go _way_ back. We graduated together, and we were quite close. I guess you could say we dated for a while—in secret, of course.”

My face burned with shame as I recalled all those happy memories with him. I had been so naïve back then, lost in my own feelings for him. I had foolishly given him my heart, and in return, he had betrayed me in the worst possible way. It would have been one thing to break up with me like any normal couple would, but it was an entirely different story to have him try to force himself on me. It was a farfetched idea to begin with, and I had convinced myself it could never happen to me, but only to girls who found themselves in less fortunate situations than myself. I never imagined it could happen to me, especially the way it almost did.

“Yep, we were quite the pair back then,” Jax sighed, even though Levi remained silent. “It was a chore, hiding our relationship from the other cadets. And don’t even get me started on Leyna and Ben—they could be so nosy sometimes. But I’ll admit, they were both great teammates in those training exercises.”

I gnashed my teeth together at the mention of my siblings. Jax had no right to speak about either one of them—especially Ben, who was no longer with us in this world. Neither of their names deserved to leave that bastard’s lips, no matter what he said about them. He could shower them with all the praise in the world, and I would still be disgusted with him.

“Anyway, Mia, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”

A pit of dread began pooling in my stomach. I gripped the reins even tighter, my blood pounding in my ears.

“I know it’s been a while, but ever since we met up last year, I haven’t been able to get my mind off of you. I was hoping—if you were interested, of course,” he added with a cheeky smile, “you would give me another chance. Maybe we can pick up from where we left off.”

I nearly fell out of the saddle. I couldn’t believe the absolute _nerve_ of this prick! Had he forgotten what had led to our breakup in the first place?! If it hadn’t been for him trying to rape me, maybe we would still be a happy couple, thriving in the Survey Corps. But he had betrayed my trust and tried to hurt me, severing the bond we had for good. And now he wanted me to look past all of that and give him a second chance. Was he insane?!

On another note, why would he ask this in front of _Levi_ , of all people?! Wouldn’t he want to do this in private, so he didn’t have to deal with any unwelcome eyes? Jax hadn’t been much of a public person as a teenager, but it appeared over a decade in politics and government matters changed you for good. He was much more comfortable in discussing such issues in broad daylight, whereas he would have shied away all those years ago.

I wanted to scream at him right then and there, until my throat was raw. I wanted to know what gave him the right to act so morally superior compared to the rest of us, especially after what he had tried to do to me. I wanted to know how he managed to fall asleep at night, knowing full well what he had nearly succeeded in doing to me. I wanted him to know exactly what I felt, and what I _had_ been feeling about him ever since he vanished from my life eleven years ago.

But I couldn’t. Not here, not now—and _especially_ not in front of Levi.

I knew it wasn’t healthy to keep it all to myself, either. At some point or another, I was going to crash and burn, unable to handle the stress and the nightmares for any longer. But I would cross that bridge when I came to it.

“I don’t see that happening.”

With a sharp glare, I urged Edel to move faster, pushing him closer toward Hanji. A moment later, I could hear Mischa snorting beside me, flicking her head to the side. Jax was left in the dust once more; I could almost feel his eyes burning into my back.

I could see Levi staring at me out of the corner of my eye, but I refused to look at him. I knew he would be expecting some answers when we reached our base, but that could wait until later. I owed him a bit of an explanation for my behavior, as well as Hanji’s protectiveness. He deserved that much, at the very least.

_Whatever. Cross that bridge when you come to it, I guess._

|~|

Despite the thin layer of snow on the ground, it was much warmer in the south than Utopia District had been. The sun was at its peak in the sky, shining gently over my face and keeping me warm. The second the Survey Corps castle came into view, a wave of relief washed over me like a blanket.

I was finally home.

It didn’t take long for our little group to break up once we were within the boundaries of the base. Luckily, Jax had disappeared somewhere with Erwin, as the two of them needed to discuss the terms of this sudden arrangement. Finally, I felt that weight lift off my chest, and I busied myself with tucking Edel into his stall for the day. I had no plans to make him work for the next couple of days, not with the ordeal we’d suffered over the past week.

Mike and Ness vanished, as well, possibly to meet up with their own squads. A lump formed in my throat at the thought of my squad. I had to see them as soon as I could. I had to see them with my own eyes, to know for myself that they were safe and sound. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I didn’t see them at least once today.

The mess hall was the first place I looked, but they were nowhere in sight. With a sigh, I checked the small meadow outside the stables, and then the training grounds where soldiers practiced hand-to-hand combat. Throughout my little trek, Levi insisted on following me, as Hanji had to meet Moblit and the rest of her squad as soon as she handed her horse off to the stable hands. As I made my way through the camp, I became painstakingly aware of the fact I was in dire need of a real, thorough shower. I knew I looked horrible—hell, I _felt_ horrible—what with my heavy eyes and ragged hair. But all of that could wait—I had to see my kids first.

Out of the few soldiers at the training grounds, I couldn’t spot my squad anywhere. However, I allowed myself to smile as my eyes landed on Eld and Gunther, sparring with each other. When the caught sight of me and Levi, the two of them ran over, their eyes nearly bursting from their skulls. But they caught themselves just in time, giving us both a pair of hasty salutes.

“Captain Levi! Captain Wolf! You’re back!”

“We thought you were dead! We didn’t see you return from the expedition, so we assumed the worst—”

The two boys fell silent at Levi’s raised hand. “Shut up, you’re starting to give me a headache.” But there was a certain warmth in those fierce words. He was just as relieved to see his squad as I was. 

“It’s good to see you two.” I was grateful they had been among the group that had made it out alive. Levi had gone through so much at this point, and I didn’t want him to suffer through any more loss. “How have you been holding up?”

Although his voice was determined, some of the light had left Eld’s eyes. “We’re doing what we can, captain. Neither of us wanted to sit around and do nothing…”

Gunther gave his teammate’s shoulder a comforting squeeze. “It’s been so quiet since the expedition, especially when the Commander left for Mitras. It seems like no one wants to fight anymore, not after what happened.”

I could only imagine the horrors the other soldiers had seen beyond the Walls. Had they run into a few Titans? Or did they cross paths with an Abnormal or two? Were they forced to wade through heaps of snow, only to watch their comrades die a slow, agonizing death due to frostbite?

But I didn’t want to ask them. I didn’t want to share my own ordeal with anyone else, and I was sure they didn’t want to, either.

“At least you’re keeping yourselves busy,” Levi said, giving them a small nod of approval. The two cadets glowed at his praise, the fire returning to their eyes. “We’ll pick up where we left off tomorrow morning. The sooner we get started, the better you’ll feel. Understood?”

The two of them saluted once more. “Yes, sir!”

But before they could return to their sparring session, I held out a hand. “Wait a minute. Do you know where Hertz and the others are? I know they came back.”

_Erwin told me they did. They have to be here. Where are they?_

Eld gave me a soft smile, and I knew I had nothing to fear. “They’re in the forest. Reggie said something about a training exercise with ODM gear. They’ve been in there for hours.”

That sounded like Reggie—always eager to keep everyone fit and ready for the next mission. The last memory I had of him, of his terrified face as he refused to leave me with those prisoners, still tasted bitter on my tongue. I had to see him smile again. Hell, I needed to see _all_ of my kids smile again.

“Thank you.” With a grateful nod, I headed into the forest, my boots kicking up tufts of snow and dirt with each stride.

_Where are you guys? Where are you? I know you’re in here somewhere. Let me see your faces again._

I picked up the pace when I heard the screeching of wires in the distance. A smile broke out on my face when I saw the silhouettes of the wooden Titan dummies among the trees ahead. Voices began to fill the air—voices I hadn’t heard from for far too long.

“Gretel, you’re moving too fast! Slow down, you’re going to end up crashing! And I _really_ don’t want to cart you off to the medical wing!”

“Can it, Brose! Maybe you’re the one who’s going to crash! If that was a real Titan just now, it would have knocked you right out of the air. You’re way too slow!”

Sweat slid down my face and palms as I ran toward the voices. Soon enough, I slowed to a stop as I saw three familiar shapes in between the wooden Titans, huddled close together with the snowy trees around them.

Gretel and Evan were fighting again—no surprise there—with their arms crossed over their chests. Reggie had his back facing me, so I couldn’t see his face. But from the way he held his shoulders, I could only assume he was doing his best to deescalate the tension between them.

My chest swelled at the sight of them. There were here—they were _safe_. A rush of relief fell over me, similar to the one I felt when Levi returned to Wall Rose just a few days ago. Tears welled up behind my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. I wouldn’t let them see their captain in such a state. I had to be strong for them.

I took a step closer, accidentally crunching a twig under my boot. Evan was the first to notice the sound, and when his eyes met mine, a strangled gasp left his throat. Gretel and Reggie were quick to follow, their jaws practically brushing the ground as they stared at me.

“…Captain?”

I gave them a smile, swallowing back the tears that threatened to pour. “Long time no see, cadets.”

Gretel and Evan raced over to me, their cheeks bright red and their mouths pulled into smiles. I bit my lip as I noticed Reggie lingering behind them, keeping his eyes glued to the ground below. I made a mental note to see him later in the day, so we could talk in private. I had to know if he was okay, after everything he had seen that day.

“We thought you were long gone!” Gretel’s hazel eyes glimmered with what appeared to be tears, but I didn’t dare draw any attention to them. She had a reputation to maintain, after all. “You didn’t come back, and then the smoke signals started going up, and then the mission was called off—”

Evan nudged her sharply in the ribs, cutting her off with a grunt. “But we’re so happy you’re okay, captain. How are you feeling? You’re not hurt, are you? Do you need us to take you to the medical wing?”

I shook my head as that warm fuzzy feeling returned to my chest. “I’m fine, I promise. Don’t worry about me. Are you three okay? I know that expedition was particularly rough.”

None of the kids dared to look at me. With a sigh, I read between the lines and took in their gestures: twiddling fingers, rocking back and forth, and pulling their lips between their teeth. None of them wanted to tell me the truth about what they had seen beyond the Walls, or what they had gone through thinking their captain was dead. I had to reassure them that I was okay. I had to make sure they knew I wouldn’t be leaving them any time soon, no matter what this cruel world threw at us.

“I know you’re scared—and don’t lie to me,” I added quickly, catching Gretel’s eyes with my own. “I know the last thing you want to do is to go back out there and fall back into our normal routine. I know you’ve seen shit out there even I didn’t have to see when I was your age. But you knew all of this before you signed up for the Scouts.”

The words were harsh, but they had to be said. I couldn’t dance around that fantasy any longer. Bad things were going to happen to us and the people we loved, and that was just a part of life as a soldier. But at the same time, we had each other, and we didn’t leave each other behind to deal with hardships on their own. I had to let them know that—and they had to embrace it, if they ever expected to keep their composure the next time they stepped foot outside the Walls.

“But we’re a team. No matter what, we have each other’s backs. I’m going to do everything in my power to keep the three of you safe, and I expect you to do the same to each other. You work beautifully as a team out there, I’ve seen it for myself. Don’t let one little expedition drive you away from each other. Use it as a learning experience instead, to honor those who have fallen. Don’t push each other away. Once you do that, there’s no team at all. Understood?”

I expected a salute, or a chorus of “Yes, ma’am,” at the very least. What I didn’t expect was a blond force to collide into my chest, wrapping his arms around my torso. Evan buried his face into the crook of my neck, his breath warm and moist against my skin. No sooner than Evan settled against me did Gretel lunge herself at me, as well, her arms coiling around both me and her boyfriend. I held the pair against my chest, my hands on either of their heads.

 _I didn’t expect them to care this much about me. I thought I was just their captain, but it looks like they see me as something more than that._ It was silly to think of myself as their mother figure, but in the heat of the moment, I failed to think of a more appropriate comparison.

Reggie stood awkwardly in front of me, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. A part of me hoped he would join his squadmates in this little group hug, but he was the model student of the bunch. He didn’t break protocol or overstep captain-cadet boundaries so easily. Instead, he only nodded and gave me a respectful salute. I returned the nod, taking note of the dull look in his green eyes.

_We’ll definitely talk later, Reggie._

|~|

Once I had cleaned up and changed into one of my many military uniforms, I called Reggie into my office. The poor kid had been waiting outside the room, pacing back and forth in the hallway as I showered. I had excused Gretel and Evan after our little group hug in the forest dissolved, but I requested Reggie to stay behind just for a little while longer. On the way to my room, the kid had not stopped rubbing his arms or biting his bottom lip.

Something was bothering him, and I was determined to get to the bottom of it.

“Alright, spill.” He stiffened in the chair in my office as I stared at him, folding my arms on the surface of my desk. “What’s bothering you, Hertz? You’re not acting like yourself.”

He squirmed in his seat, keeping his eyes glued to his lap. His lips remained pressed together in a tight line. It hurt to see him sitting so still and uncomfortable. His posture was always rigid whenever we trained, but there was always an air of respect between us. Now, it wasn’t respect that kept him frozen—it was fear.

I didn’t want my cadet to be scared of me. Hell, I didn’t want anyone to be scared of me. I wanted him to trust me to keep him safe, to be someone he could believe in to help him through his darkest days.

“Answer me, Reggie.”

I rarely used my cadets’ first names, unless I was by myself or with my close friends. I never addressed them by them to their faces—it went against the standard captain-cadet relationship. But I had to challenge these boundaries every once in a while, or else he would never see me as anything more than his superior. How was he supposed to trust me if I didn’t let him know I was there for him, no matter what was bothering him?

Reggie winced, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m sorry, captain. I shouldn’t have left you like that. I just froze up—I couldn’t even help you fight off that guy! I didn’t know you would get stranded, and when you didn’t come back—”

He fell silent as I walked around my desk and placed my hand on his shoulder. He still refused to look me in the eye, and he curled his hands into tight fists on his lap.

My mouth ran dry at his little confession. The last memory he had of me, supposedly alive, was watching me fend off those prisoners. When I hadn’t returned with the rest of the group, he had assumed the worst. The poor kid probably thought he was to blame for my disappearance, even though I urged him to run away.

“Stop it. It’s alright, Hertz.” My voice was firm, but I tried my best not to sound too overbearing. I didn’t want to scare him any more than he already was. “I told you to run, and that’s what you did. It’s your job to follow my orders, no matter what. I don’t blame you for what happened.”

This time, he swung his head and stared at me with watery green eyes. It was jarring to see him in such a state. I had never seen him look so broken before.

“…When I got back to the group, Captain Levi demanded to know where you were. I told him you were fighting those men and then…” Tears started sliding down his pale cheeks. “He…he said I was a fool for leaving you by yourself, even when you told me to. He said I was… He said if you died, it would be my fault…and when neither of you came back, I thought—”

He rubbed at his eyes, struggling to keep his sobs under control. My head was swimming as I stared at the cadet before me—a kid no older than sixteen, I realized with a gulp. He was so young, but already he had numerous responsibilities. It was up to him to make sure his squadmates got along and didn’t tear each other apart during training. It was up to him to organize training exercises whenever I couldn’t make it, and to keep everyone in line whenever I was absent. And now, he had believed he was responsible for my disappearance, and possible death, at the hands of those wretched prisoners.

Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into my chest, resting my chin on the top of his head. He didn’t return the hug, but he didn’t try to pull away, either. Instead, he curled himself into my chest and continued to cry, his tears staining my fresh green shirt.

_I had no idea he took this so personally. Does he really think I blame him for almost dying out there? It wasn’t as though he had deserted his captain— **I** was the one who sent him away in the first place! It was for his own safety, anyway. Who knows what those men could have done to him if they had caught him? _

But something else he had said was nagging me, at the back of my mind. He had mentioned Levi— _he_ had been the one who planted that thought in Reggie’s mind. If my cadet was telling the truth, _he_ had told him he would bear the responsibility if I didn’t make it back alive.

_I’m sure he didn’t mean it. Maybe he was just stressed out and worried about me. He tends to lash out whenever he gets scared._

I knew that from personal experience.

_I’ll have to talk to him later. There’s no use in scaring the shit out of my cadets like that._

“Hertz, listen to me.” The green-eyed boy pulled away from my chest and stared up at me. Even in the chair, he was only an inch shorter than me. It was nice for a change, to not have him towering over me. “I don’t blame you for what happened. You did what I told you to do, and I’m glad you did. Those men were dangerous, and I didn’t want to put you at risk like that.”

I didn’t want to mention the fact they had nearly raped me. No need to terrify him any further.

He wiped his nose with the sleeve of his jacket, sniffling heavily and gazing at me underneath those messy brown bangs. “Soldiers aren’t supposed to abandon their superiors, captain. I should have known better.”

A heavy sigh passed through my lips. He _did_ have a point, as much as I didn’t want to admit it. Maybe I had underestimated his skill. Maybe, if I had just let him fight alongside me, we could have dealt with those men even before Levi made it to the scene. Then we wouldn’t have been separated from the group, and Reggie wouldn’t have had to suffer with this guilt for the past week or so.

Then again, the safety of my cadets was my first priority. I had to do everything in my power to keep them alive, even if it meant dying in the process. I would gladly stare death in the face a thousand times over if it meant giving them another day to live in this world.

“…It’s over and done with now, Hertz.” I rested a hand on his shoulder, urging him to look at me. “Maybe I was in the wrong, maybe I wasn’t. The important thing is that you’re safe. It’s my job to protect you, you know.”

“It’s my job to protect you, as well, captain.”

I couldn’t help but smile at this kid’s persistence. In a twisted sort of way, he reminded me of myself, when I was his age. He was so wrapped up in his view of the world, blatantly refusing to look at the bigger picture.

_Oh, who am I kidding? I’m still like that, let’s be honest. I haven’t changed at all in the past few years._

“Okay, how about this: if you promise to follow my orders and make sure you stay alive, I promise to start having more faith in you. I don’t doubt your skill, Hertz, but you’re still a kid. And as the adult, I’m obligated to take care of you and make sure you go home to your family at the end of the day. And I promise, if I _really_ need help out there, I won’t send you away again.”

I knew I couldn’t shield him forever. Even though I wanted to keep him safe, I couldn’t hide him from the dangers beyond the Wall forever. He was going to see some ugly things out there—and in here—and there was nothing I could do to stop it. However, that didn’t mean I couldn’t help him cope along the way. Our little squad was practically a family at this point, and we were going to act like it.

Thankfully, that familiar light began to tint his eyes again. “I understand, captain. Thank you so much!”

As he rose from his seat, he began to freeze up once more, shifting his weight from side to side. With a smile, I pulled him into another hug, which he gladly returned this time.

“I promise, captain, I won’t disappoint you.”

_I know you won’t, kid._

|~|

The rest of the day dragged on at a painfully slow pace. Evan and Gretel had stopped by my office after Reggie’s visit, interrogating me about my time beyond the Walls. While I knew they were grateful that I was back home, nothing could mask their natural curiosity. They wanted to know everything they could about the world beyond the Walls—especially Evan, who had been fascinated with the northern territories ever since we learned of the expedition a few weeks ago.

I told them what I could—about Skoll Castle and the rivers and meadows we came across—but that was it. I didn’t want to tell them about my time with Levi, or what we had said to each other. I hadn’t even told Hanji about it; I wanted to keep those memories to myself, just for a little while longer. It was another little secret the two of us could keep just between ourselves.

But my conversations with my cadets only heightened my own curiosity. The silver-eyed Scout hadn’t told me anything about what had happened to him after we split up. He always avoided the subject, and because I didn’t want to pressure him into reliving bad memories, I allowed him to dance around the topic for as long as he wanted. But it had been quite a few days since he had returned to Wall Rose, and he still hadn’t mentioned anything to me. Surely I could ask him about it now, right?

I opted to eat dinner in my office that night, after letting Hanji know when I met her in the mess hall. I didn’t want to run the risk of bumping into Jax, and I certainly didn’t want the other Scouts, much less my squad, to see how I acted around him. Our past relationship was nobody else’s business but our own, and I didn’t need any of my cadets, especially Reggie, to worry about my well-being. That job was already taken by Hanji and Levi.

Once I was finished, I filled my arms with paperwork and headed out to Levi’s office. I kept my eyes peeled for any suspicious signs, waiting for Jax to pop out from behind the nearest corner. By the time I had made it to the other side of the floor, the corners of the papers were crumpled with sweat. My heart hammered in my chest every time I glanced over my shoulder, half-expecting Jax to be there, hovering over me from behind.

_Get a grip already, Wolf. He has his own duties to take care of. He’s not going to spend every waking moment he has breathing down your back. Grow up already._

Still, it was nerve-wracking to know Jax was currently in the place I viewed as my home. I had gone so many years without worrying about him, and now, I didn’t know what to think. Throughout my years as a Scout, I had never felt unsafe while roaming the base. It didn’t matter if we were under the command of Sieger, Shadis, or Erwin—I always felt secure among my fellow soldiers.

Now, Jax’s mere presence was chipping away at that sense of security, and I hated every second of it.

With a tight swallow, I pounded my fist against the door. I knew once I saw Levi, I would be okay. As long as I was with him, I knew Jax wouldn’t try anything, wherever he happened to be.

The door swung open at the third knock. My shoulders loosened at the sight of Levi, now in his usual military uniform, but the pit of dread swirling around at the base of my stomach didn’t ease up at all. I was still waiting for Jax’s voice to split the air between us.

“Um…” _Why am suddenly I nervous? I should be past this stage with him already_. “…Do you mind if I stay here for a bit? I just have some paperwork to fill out, and…”

Th truth was, I didn’t _want_ to be in my office tonight—or the next night, or the night after that. I didn’t want to be in there alone as long as I knew Jax was roaming the base. There was no telling when he could show up unannounced, eager to talk to me about our past relationship. Worst case scenario, he could barge into my room and opt to get a little handsy with me, just as he did the night of our graduation ceremony. There was no guarantee Hanji could save me again if that happened.

“You don’t have to ask, brat.” He stepped to the side, allowing me to pass through and walk into the office. “I’m used to you barging in at this point.”

Despite my obvious nerves, I had to smile at him. “I do _not_ barge in!”

He simply shrugged and clicked the lock into place. As I settled myself on the couch with my paperwork, I watched him out of the corner of my eye. He slipped off his jacket and draped it over the back of his chair before settling down. My teeth gnawed at my bottom lip as he rolled his sleeves up to his elbows, revealing those toned, scarred forearms I admired so much. I almost whimpered when he didn’t spare me another glance; he simply turned to the paperwork at his desk and began to read it over.

That was _another_ thing I had to worry about, apart from Jax and his sudden appearance at the base. I had no idea where I stood with Levi. We hadn’t been intimate—if you could even call it that—ever since Erwin accidentally walked in on us back at the hospital in Utopia District. He hadn’t made an effort to get close to me that way; even when he met me on the roof of the castle yesterday, he acted more like a friend rather than a potential lover. We were going around in circles at this point, and with a heavy heart, I wondered if we were back to square one yet again.

_Maybe I just have to give him a little more time. Maybe he hasn’t been in a real relationship with anyone else at this point. I have to let things move at his pace and wait until he’s ready. I can’t risk scaring him off again._

It was absolute torture waiting around for him, but I knew I could put up with it for his sake. I didn’t want to risk another argument with him, where we both ended up pushing each other away.

The night carried on, and the two of us worked in silence. I tried my best to focus on my work, but every creak and groan outside the room made me glance up at the door. Even though it was locked, I couldn’t help but feel anxious every time I lifted my eyes.

I hated feeling this helpless. I shouldn’t have to be scared in my own home, but here I was, jumping out of my skin at every little noise in the castle.

Levi didn’t comment on my strange behavior. He was too observant to not notice it, but at least he didn’t feel the need to interrogate me about it. I wasn’t in the mood to answer any more questions on Jax and why he made me feel the way he did.

But at the same time, the silence was _killing_ me. I knew I had to tell someone else about what had happened that night, or else I would drive myself crazy. Then again, I didn’t want to burden anyone else with that knowledge, especially someone like Levi. He already had enough to worry about without getting caught up in my personal problems.

So instead, I kept my mouth shut and continued to focus on my paperwork.

As the night crawled by, I could hear a few footsteps in the hallway above the office. A few spare bedrooms had been built there, for visiting families of soldiers and other officials who wanted to see the Scouts in action. However, it wasn’t unusual for soldiers to sleep in there on certain nights, especially when they needed to get away from the drama of the barracks. I had done so myself once or twice, especially after I had lost Rosalie and Emmett. And as I heard the door of the room above us shut tight, I assumed it was one of those nights.

But then the squeaking started, and the sound of bed springs filled the air between us.

I wasn’t an idiot—I knew _exactly_ what went on between soldiers among the Survey Corps. Anna and Charles had only been an example, but there were countless other Scouts who opted to hook up once in a while. Many of them just kept it to themselves, which was fine by me, but there were always a few exceptions. Of course I knew what took place behind closed doors.

That didn’t mean I had to put up with listening to it, though. Especially when _Levi_ —of all people—was only five feet away from me.

I tried to ignore it, I really did. I continued to stare at the paper in front of me, rereading the stuff I had already written. But I couldn’t focus, knowing what was going on in the room above us, and it only worsened when the squeaking of bed springs grew louder and louder. All the while, my face felt as though it would burn itself off.

Levi groaned at the noise, but I didn’t dare look at him to see if he was glaring up at the ceiling. From the tone of his voice, however, it sounded like he was.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

There was a scrape against the floor, followed by his footsteps. He disappeared into his bedroom for only a second or two— _don’t think about the bedroom_ —before reemerging, holding a broom in his fists. Without so much as a glance in my direction, thankfully, he raised the handle up toward the ceiling and began tapping at it rather harshly.

I would have laughed at the scene before me if I wasn’t so flustered. It was quite comical to see Levi acting like one of the many neighbors my family and I used to see in our apartment complex in Ehrmich District. Whenever our upstairs neighbors got a little too rowdy, especially in the middle of the night, Ma didn’t hesitate to start hitting the ceiling with whatever she could get her hands on. Through my blush, I wondered if Levi’s mother had ever done the same.

“Damn bastards,” he grumbled to himself, leaning the broom against the wall near his desk. The bed springs had stopped, but there was no telling when they would start up again. “A hundred rooms to choose from in this place, and they choose _that_ one. Unbelievable.”

He slumped back down in his seat, resting his elbows on the desk. I wanted to tease him about his behavior, but I didn’t have the guts to do it. I could barely think straight at this point, no way would I be able to form a coherent sentence in this state. So I continued to stare at the paper in my hands, praying for the blush to leave my face. The last thing I wanted was for him to find out just how uncomfortable I was.

_I just have to act like I’m working, and he’ll never suspect a thing._

“Grow the fuck up already, Wolf.”

I froze halfway through the second paragraph, nearly tearing the sheet in two with my fists. “…What?” It took every bit of strength I had to keep myself from bolting out of the room right then and there.

“I can see you, you know. I’m not blind. You look like you’re about to pass out.”

I dropped the paper and pen I held in my hands, and they hit the coffee table with a clatter. _He knows_. I couldn’t look him in the eye, I just couldn’t.

The squeaks of the bed springs started up again, but at a much slower pace than before. I buried my face in my hands, wincing as I felt my cheeks heat up.

_Great, now I **really** can’t look him in the eye! _

“Get over yourself already, Wolf.” I could only hope some of the annoyance in his tone was directed toward the couple in the room above us. “You’re not a teenager anymore, so don’t act like one.”

“I-I’m not trying to act like one!” I inwardly cringed at the sound of my voice, which was no more than a pathetic squeak. “It’s just…no one needs to hear that! _I_ don’t need to hear it!”

_Why are we even having this conversation?! Maybe I should just leave now and head back to my own room. I know it’ll just get more awkward between us if I stay._

He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t want to hear it, either. But unfortunately, it’s a part of life. You’ve been an adult long enough to know that, haven’t you? You should be used to it by now.”

All the while, the sound of the squealing bed springs filled the air around us. How could he remain so calm when such scandalous activity was clearly taking place just a few feet above his own office?! Didn’t he find that the least bit discomforting?

“…Well, I’m _not_!” I straightened up in my seat on the couch, running my hands through my hair. “Just because _you_ may have some experience with sex doesn’t mean we _all_ do.”

The moment the words left my lips, I wanted to curl up and die. A fresh wave of heat made its way to my face, spreading down to my neck and up to my ears. Suddenly, I thought back to when I was six, when I had been forced to stay home from school with a high fever. Even then, I hadn’t felt as hot as I did right now.

_Shit, why did I just say that?! He doesn’t need to know about my sex life, and I don’t need to know about his! How did this conversation go so wrong?!_

I hadn’t meant to say what I did about my assumption about Levi. To be honest, it really wasn’t my business if he was a virgin or not. But judging by his attractive looks and popularity within the Underground, I had very little trouble believing that he had spent his fair share of time with women.

He quirked an eyebrow, leaning forward in his chair. “Are you telling me you haven’t—”

“T-that’s none of your business!” He had no right to know whether or not I was a virgin! That was my business and nobody else’s!

But I had opened this can of worms, and there was no hope in closing it back up now. His silver eyes were glued to me, pinning me in place. I had piqued his interest, and he wasn’t going to let up until I gave him the answers he wanted.

_Why did I get myself into this?! Why can’t I just learn to shut my mouth once in a while?!_

“Honestly, I figured just as much,” he finally said after a lengthy moment of silence. “You tend to get so worked up over the tiniest things. It’s amusing, but at the same time, it’s pretty damn annoying.”

 _Well, thanks for that, I guess._ I simply glared and began to shuffle the discarded papers on the coffee table. There was no point in trying to get back to work. I could feel a headache starting to settle in, and by the look in Levi’s eyes, he wasn’t done interrogating me just yet. I could only hope his questions weren’t too personal—and that I would keep my composure while answering them.

“Sorry, but that’s just how I am.” I knew I had no reason to apologize, but at the same time, I still felt obligated to do so.

At this point in my life, with the age I was at, it was unusual for adults to still be virgins. Almost everyone in the Survey Corps had been with someone else at least once in their lives—even Hanji, I was sure of it. While I didn’t voice my concerns to her face, I suspected she had a fling a few years ago with Moblit. Even though it was obvious that they were no more than good friends at this point, I knew deep down that they had a history together.

To be honest, I didn’t hold any animosity toward them at all. I was glad Hanji managed to get something in life that could be so wonderful. But at the same time, I couldn’t help the twinge of jealousy that would hit my chest every time I saw her and Moblit together in her office, or when I used to see Anna and Charles hanging out together around the base. I was perfectly fine with it on the outside, but on the inside, I was a fucking mess.

The concept of romance and relationships and sex had always been out of reach for me, especially after Jax had left his mark on me. I had been so scared of anything related to it that I forced myself to shy away from such matters. As a result, I had no interest in that field—until I met Levi and started questioning my feelings for him.

I knew I was still far from being in love with him, but I couldn’t deny that I liked him in a romantic sense. _Love_ was an incredibly strong word, and the weight it carried could easily crush a bond between two people as much as it could mend it. While we agreed to not get into any more stupid fights and give this little relationship a real chance, I still had no idea where we currently stood on that. For all I knew, Levi could have easily lost interest in me, and he only saw me as a fellow Scout. I didn’t know, and that _terrified_ me.

“Yeah, I’m a virgin, but so what? I know it’s not common for a lot of people here, but that’s just how it is. I don’t have a problem with it, and neither should you. It’s not any of your business, anyway!”

“You were the one who brought it up in the first place, Wolf,” he reminded me in a soft voice.

I blinked, my lips parting at the small smile on his face. He wasn’t teasing me or patronizing me in any way. It almost seemed like he didn’t care about the fact I was a virgin. In all honesty, I was thankful for that. But at the same time, it felt a little weird.

_He teases me about everything else that I do, so why would he draw the line at that? If anything, it should give him plenty of material to make fun of me._

“…You don’t mind?”

“Tch, of course I don’t.” I was relieved when his face hardened again, showing me a bit of the Levi I knew and adored. “It’s your decision, not anyone else’s. You probably want to wait for the right guy, and I get it. You shouldn’t let other people try to make that decision for you.”

While it was comforting to know how much he cared, I had to raise my eyebrow at one particular point he had made. I didn’t know if I would _ever_ find “the right guy” to share my bed with. A few times I had imagined it would be Levi himself, but with everything that had happened between us in the past few days, I didn’t know if that would ever be possible. As much as I admired him and cared for him, there was still a huge part of me that doubted a real relationship could ever happen between us.

“…Uh, thanks, I guess…”

He simply grunted, his eyes fluttering shut.

The silence between us was killing me. Although the bed springs had thankfully stopped squeaking a few seconds ago, I was still on edge. With a sigh, I unlaced my boots and pulled my legs up to the couch, shifting so I was resting against the arm. I folded my knees underneath me, pressing them to my chest. Levi’s eyes were still closed, and his breathing was soft and mellow. If it weren’t for the way his shoulders were tensed, I would have guessed he was sleeping.

“…So…what about you? Are you a…you know…?”

Well, it was only fair, right? Besides, if he didn’t feel comfortable answering me, he could always kick me out. It _was_ his office, after all.

He opened one silver eye, his eyebrows creasing together. “If you must know,” he sighed heavily, “I’m not.”

“Oh…” 

My suspicions were right all along. Of course he had been with a woman before—it would be a surprise if he hadn’t, at this point. But at the same time, I couldn’t ignore the pang of hurt that hit my chest.

I didn’t know how I felt about the thought of Levi with someone else. I didn’t like the thought of him with another woman, tasting her lips and holding her close. All I could think of were those arms—the same ones that had held me so many times before—wrapped around another woman’s body. I couldn’t stop seeing those lips pressed against another girl’s skin, leaving a trail of love bites in his wake, just as he had done to me in my office a few months ago. And I certainly didn’t like the thought of a girl saying his name, whether it was in lust or pure love. Either way, it sent a cold shiver down to the base of my spine.

“What, are you jealous?”

 _By the Walls, is it really that obvious?!_ “I’m not—”

“Don’t be.” His eyes were cold and dull, reminding me of the gray winter sky. “She’s dead anyway.”

“…Oh…”

_Well great, now I feel like an asshole._

Aside from my guilt of being jealous, I couldn’t wrap my head around the nonchalant tone he used to address her. How could he act so casual about the death of someone he had obviously been so close to? He hadn’t even been this emotionless when we lost Isabel and Furlan, so why was he acting so different with this mysterious woman?

I stared down at my lap, my mind racing with a thousand different questions. Had they known each other for long? Was she part of their little gang? Or was she an outsider? Was she was a prostitute? From what I had gathered from talking to Levi about his early life with his mother, it wasn’t an uncommon profession. Plenty of women turned to selling themselves in order to put food on the table; sometimes I wondered if that was the only profession for them at all.

_What was her name? How did she die? Did she love him? Did he love her? And even if he did, does he still love her?_

The last thought worried me the most. If Levi still loved this woman, even if she was dead, did that mean he wasn’t interested in any of the other girls at the base—or _me_? I hated the thought of being compared to someone else, especially when it came to romantic matters.

_I wonder if she made him feel good. I wonder if he kept going back to her after the first time._

I wasn’t a stranger to picturing Levi in suggestive positions, but it was a whole different story when another person was involved. All I could think of was how his first time had been: the sounds he made, the kisses they shared, and the way that woman had worshipped his body.

_I shouldn’t have asked in the first place._

“…What happened to her?”

I knew there was a good chance he didn’t want to answer me, but it still hurt when he remained silent. He had been willing to share bits and pieces of his life with his mother, but he refused to tell me about this mysterious deceased lover. Apparently, he didn’t trust me enough to tell me about her or how she died.

_I guess I should have expected this. He’s a very private man, he’s not going to blurt out everything to me the second I ask him about it._

“You know what? Never mind, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Frankly, I wasn’t even sure if I _wanted_ to hear more about her. My own assumptions were already making me nervous, and I didn’t want him to confirm them or anything. The less I thought about Levi and his past relationships, the better off I would be.

He didn’t say anything, but I could still feel his eyes on me. With a tight swallow, I began tracing aimless patterns on the sofa cushions, resting my chin on my knees. The silence between us wasn’t as thick as it had been a few minutes ago, but it was still unnerving nonetheless.

“I mean, I get it…” _Shut up already, Wolf! Don’t make this worse than it already is!_ “…There are some things I don’t really want to talk about, either…”

The night of my graduation ceremony was right on the tip of my tongue, but I pressed my lips together. I didn’t know what had come over me, but all of a sudden, I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to tell him how Jax had treated me that night, and how I was still so scared of him, well over a decade after it had even happened. I wanted to tell him everything about myself, even if he didn’t want to do the same. Even after all the promises I had made to myself, about not wanting to burden him with my problems, the urge to tell him everything about that night was suddenly too powerful to ignore.

_What is wrong with me? Why am I even considering telling him? What good would come out of it? You know the minute he finds out, he’s going to try to hurt Jax. Then what will you do?!_

But even if nothing good would come from it, knowing that I had another person to talk to about it gave me a sense of security. If I told Levi, I wouldn’t always have to rely on Hanji to help me through my darkest days. Besides, I was sure I would feel better once I knew someone else was willing to listen to me.

I took in a deep breath. _Here goes. No backing down now, I guess._

“…I came close to losing mine one time, but I…I didn’t follow through with it. He was starting to get handsy…and I didn’t feel all that…comfortable…”

Well, _that_ was a mild way of telling him that I was nearly raped.

But I couldn’t take it back now. There was no going back once it was out there. Now, the only question left was whether or not I should elaborate—but judging by the way my stomach churned, I decided to leave it at that.

Levi didn’t say anything; for a moment, I wondered whether or not he heard me in the first place. I _had_ been talking rather softly, after all. But then I heard the legs of the chair slide against the floor, followed by the sound of footsteps. The air left my lungs as I realized he was walking toward me.

I squeezed my eyes shut. The footsteps came to a halt right in front of the couch, a few inches away from me. I could feel the heat radiating off of his body. I didn’t want to look him in the eye—I was scared if I did, I wouldn’t be able to keep myself from breaking down.

“Wolf.” His voice was hard and stern, with an underlying sense of anger. I kept my eyes screwed shut.

_He’s not mad at you, Mia. He’s not mad at you._

“What did he do to you?”

It was the same question he had asked me so many months ago, when he had first crossed paths with Jax in Mitras. He had dragged me away from him and into the empty ballroom, demanding to know why I was so scared around him. I hadn’t given him a straight answer back then because I had been too scared. I didn’t want to come to terms with what that bastard had done to me, because I had still been hoping it had all been a dream.

But the past few days had torn me apart. I knew what had happened between me and Jax hadn’t been a dream—it had been a real-life nightmare. My encounter with those three prisoners outside the Walls had only solidified that fact. For the longest time, I had convinced myself that something like that couldn’t happen to me. But I had been so fucking wrong. It had happened twice—and while the prisoners were dead and rotting in the snow outside Wall Rose, Jax was still roaming around unchecked, ready to pounce on me at any moment.

Now, I had to face it with eyes wide open. I had to come clean with what had happened, just like I did with Rosalie’s and Emmett’s deaths. Maybe talking about it would bring me some closure, in a twisted sort of way. And if I had to open up to _anyone_ about that night, apart from Hanji, I would have wanted it to be Levi.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and hugged my knees closer to my chest. All the while, I kept my eyes closed.

“…He didn’t get too far—Hanji came in right after he started getting rough. She had to chase him away from me. But…he tried to…”

I could still feel his fingers around my wrists, holding them up above my head and pushing me further into the mattress. I still felt his weight on top of me, crushing my lungs and leaving me breathless on the bed. I still felt his length against the inside of my thigh, hot and hard and angry.

“I wasn’t ready yet. We had only been dating for a couple years, and I didn’t feel ready to do something like that with him. But he…he started getting angry… And then he—he almost—”

Fuck, why was it so hard to speak?! _“He almost raped me.”_ That’s all I had to say! So why couldn’t I just come out and say it?!

“…He…”

But I couldn’t do it. Even after all these years, I still couldn’t fucking say it.

Something brushed against the side of my face. I reached up and touched it, wincing as my fingers came back wet. I hadn’t even realized I had started crying. I sucked in a sharp breath, feeling disgusted with myself. Levi didn’t need to see me in such a pitiful state.

“I-I’m sorry, I—”

My voice died in my throat the second his fingers brushed my chin. With a shaky breath, I let him tilt my head to meet his eyes. While they were softer than they had been before, the hint of anger was still there.

_But he’s not angry at you. He has no reason to be._

“Mia.” I couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief when my first name left his lips. “Did he try to rape you?”

It was easier when he asked the question. At least now I didn’t have to worry about saying it out loud.

“…Yes.”

His eyes darkened to a stormy gray color at my answer. I knew he was trying to keep his composure for my sake, and for that I was grateful, but I also knew he couldn’t keep it up forever. I had only seen that look in his eye once before—when he had tried to kill Erwin right after we lost Furlan and Isabel.

But despite the obvious anger in his eyes, his touch was soft and gentle. He made no sudden movements as I leaned into his hand, which had made its way up to the left side of my face. He was warm and comforting, and he made me feel safe. I knew nothing could hurt me as long as I was with him.

“Okay,” he finally broke the silence between us, “stay here. I’ll be right back.”

My eyes snapped open the second his hand left my face. I watched him as he made his way over to the door, his fingers coming dangerously close to the doorknob.

“W-where are you going?” But I already knew the answer.

“To teach that bastard a lesson.”

_Wait, no! You can’t!_

Before I knew it, I was off the couch and at the door, squeezing myself in between him and the wall. I held my arms out in a desperate attempt to block him from leaving.

“Please, don’t go after him! It’s not worth it!”

His eyes, which were now an icy blue shade, flashed with anger. “Not _worth_ it? Do you even fucking hear yourself, Wolf?! He tried to _rape you_.”

“But he didn’t!” I hated the fact I was defending him once again, but I didn’t know what else to do. All I knew was that I couldn’t let Levi leave this room. I couldn’t let him take his anger out on him, even if it was justified. “It didn’t happen, and that’s what matters!”

I was only making him angrier—I could see it in his eyes. His hands clenched into tight fists at his sides, and the muscles in his arms began to flex. “And what if Hanji hadn’t shown up in time? Do you think he would have stopped if she hadn’t been there?”

I bit my bottom lip hard, and the taste of blood hit my tongue. I didn’t have an answer for that. We both knew it. There was no doubt in my mind that he would have carried on if Hanji hadn’t interrupted us. But admitting that out loud only brought a new wave of fear forward.

“You can’t go after him.” I wasn’t going to give up on this. “He’s part of the royal assembly now! And in case you forgot, they _hate_ the Scouts! Why would you make matters worse between us?!”

“Then report him! Tell them about it! Don’t just sit there and wait for everything to work out on its own!”

“I…I can’t!”

“Why?!” His hands were suddenly around my shoulders, pressing me into the wall behind me. His grip wasn’t rough, but it wasn’t exactly gentle, either. “Why can’t you just tell them what he did to you? Why are you so determined to protect him?!”

“I’m not!”

He must have seen the tears in my eyes, because his voice was softer when he spoke again. “Then what’s holding you back?”

That was a good question. What _was_ holding me back? Why was I so scared of telling anyone the truth? Was it because I just wanted to forget about the incident as a whole and continue to live my life? Or was it something deeper than that?

“…You saw how they reacted to hearing about what those men almost did to me a few days ago. They couldn’t care less. How do you think they’ll react when they learn that one of their own tried to do the same thing? Even if I told them, there’s no guarantee anything would change.”

 _“It’s over and done with”_ —those had been Aurille’s exact words on the matter. With that in mind, it was pointless to bring it up to them. They didn’t seem to care when they didn’t know the perpetrators at all, so how would they act if they knew one of their fellow noblemen—one with high authority and a place among them at the assembly—was guilty of trying to commit such a horrendous crime?

“Then tell someone else! At least tell Erwin—he’ll be able to do something. But you can’t live like this for the rest of your life! For fuck’s sake, how long have you been sitting on this?! How old were you when it happened, eighteen? Nineteen?”

“F-fifteen.”

His angry expression melted into one of pure shock. While he loosened his grip on my shoulders, he didn’t pull away from them completely. He just continued to stare at me, his lips parted slightly. His eyes were back to their usual silvery color, with that familiar shadow of blue shining around the edges.

“No wonder you’re scared shitless. You were just—oh, _fuck_.”

He hung his head for a brief moment, his breaths coming out in heavy pants. When he met my eyes again, his hands trailed up to cup my face, tilting my head toward him again. He wiped away my tears with his thumbs, and when he spoke again, his voice was softer than I had ever heard it before.

“Mia, you should let Erwin know, at least. You don’t have to tell him everything,” he added quickly as my eyes widened, “but you shouldn’t have to be scared in your own fucking home. We’ll work something out. We’ll keep you away from that bastard, whatever it takes.”

I knew I could trust him to protect me. He had done it countless times before, even when he didn’t know me all that well. But before I could say anything, he pulled me away from the wall and into his chest, tucking me under his chin. I didn’t know what else to do, so I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him close.

“I won’t let him hurt you again, kid. I didn’t go through all that shit beyond the Walls just to watch you live in fear of him.” For a second, he pulled away from me and stared into my eyes. “You know what kept me going, after we split up outside Wall Rose? I kept thinking of _you_.”

My heart froze in my chest at his confession. He reached up and brushed away the rest of my tears, his hands warm and soft against my skin.

“I thought of all the shit you’ve seen, and everything you’ve gone through. But then I remembered your face—your smile, your eyes, _everything_. I promised to protect you, and I wasn’t going to let myself die until I was sure you were safe. And I still intend to make good on that promise, Wolf. As long as I’m here, you don’t have to be scared. I swear, I won’t let him or anyone else hurt you like that ever again.”

He pulled me into his chest again, securing his arms around my upper half. I didn’t let myself relax until I heard the soft _b-bmp_ of his heart against my ear. Another wave of tears fell from my eyes as he began to mutter sweet nothings against the top of my head.

For a moment, I forgot all about Jax and his impact on me. I forgot about the nightmares of that night and the invisible scars it had left on my body and mind. None of that mattered now. Not as long as I was in Levi’s arms.

I reached up and curled my hands around his shoulders, grazing my fingers along his nape. I knew it wouldn’t last forever, but just for this moment, I let myself enjoy the feeling of being so close to him. I savored each word he breathed against my hair and every gentle squeeze he gave my shoulders. I matched my breathing with his own, and a few moments later, my heartbeat fell into line with his.

For a brief moment, I felt completely safe.

“L-Levi, I—”

But he shushed me, pressing me closer to his chest. “Don’t talk, brat. You don’t have to say anything.”

So I didn’t. I let myself fall against his body, breathing in that familiar pine scent—with just a touch of peppermint. Eventually, I felt my eyes beginning to droop, and the warmth from his body began to spread throughout my own.

The last thing I remember before passing out was feeling his lips on my forehead, as he pressed a gentle kiss to my heated skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing Mia's confession to Levi was something I couldn't wait to get to, but as I actually started writing it, I started to worry about keeping them both in character - especially when it came to Levi holding her at the very end. Levi isn't someone who will comfort and coddle someone if they're feeling upset; he's going to give them the harsh truth and tell them to pick themselves back up. But at the same time, I can't help but feel he would be extra sympathetic to Mia and her situation. In my opinion, Mia's experience strikes a chord in him, as it reminds him of his mother and what she had to suffer through in order to keep him alive. He's already protective of Mia, and given their shared history, I don't think he would be as harsh with her as he would for some of the other soldiers. 
> 
> Then again, those are just my opinions. Let me know if you think they're still in character, because I'm kinda worried about this. The last thing I want is to write Levi completely OOC (it's my worst fear at this point). 
> 
> I hope you guys are ready for the next chapter, because it's going to be a long one! Just a heads up: the next chapter will FINALLY contain some smut between our two lovebirds - and not just a teaser, like Ch. 26 was. Prepare yourselves for some full-on smut - which I didn't plan on writing until at least Ch. 46, but oh well. Stuff happens, I guess! I'll see you soon for the next chapter, my loves!


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this chapter took a wild turn that I did not anticipate, but here we are now. I'll explain more at the end. Alas, we have the first actual smut chapter of this story. Additional warnings will be included at the beginning of each smut chapter from here on out! I hope you enjoy! (Also, I know this chapter's pretty long - I promise they won't be as long as this in the future! I just got carried away...) 
> 
> Smut Warnings: suggestive language, sexual innuendos, dirty talk, oral sex (male receiving), etc. 
> 
> (Now excuse me while I go hide my face in shame.)

|XL|

Winter came to an end a few weeks later. Before we knew it, spring was upon us, and a sense of peace began to form among the Scouts. Spirits were always lifted when the weather grew warmer, so it was no surprise to see so many smiling faces around the base. Now that we had full control of our operations and expeditions again, everyone began to feel a little bit easier around each other.

Ever since I had told Levi the truth about Jax that night in his office, I started to feel a bit better. It felt nice to confide such a personal part of my past to someone else, especially when I knew he would keep me safe. As long as I was with Hanji or Levi, I knew Jax wouldn’t come near me. And for the most part, I was right. The man hadn’t even looked my way since we arrived at the base, since he was always with Erwin or going over paperwork in his makeshift office. Thankfully, his office was on the third floor—and nowhere near my own.

A day or two after the incident, I ended up meeting with Commander Erwin in his office, dragging Levi along with me. I didn’t tell him the whole story, but I had mentioned I had a questionable history with Jax, and I requested he wouldn’t be stationed on the second floor, or anywhere near my room. That went for Hanji and Levi’s rooms, as well—I didn’t want Jax coming after them simply because he knew they were protective of me. In order to keep them both safe, as well as myself, he couldn’t be anywhere near us.

Luckily, Erwin agreed at once. Although I could tell he wanted to know more, he didn’t press the issue further. He simply agreed and sent me on my way, and later that day, I watched from a distance as Jax was escorted up to his new office on the third floor, on the opposite end of the castle.

At least now I didn’t have to worry about losing sleep over him at night.

Later that night, I had visited Hanji in her office and came clean to her. She was pleased I had found the courage to open up to Levi in the first place, but I could see it in her eyes: she was still upset that I hadn’t officially reported him. Either way, she smiled and told me she would always be there for me, no matter what I decided to do. I had left her office with a smile, and even when I cuddled up in the sheets of my bed, it hadn’t disappeared.

With the new season came a new batch of cadets, from the 101st Training Corps. About twenty or so had joined; judging by the horrid experience the Scouts had endured in the recent winter expedition, we could hardly complain at all. It was a miracle soldiers still wanted to join us, even though they were clearly aware of the dangers we faced on a regular basis.

Only one cadet from the top ten had chosen to join the Survey Corps: a tiny, scrawny boy by the name of Murphy Enns. Despite his small stature, he had earned his place among the best in his class, ranking fourth out of a hundred and seventy cadets. With his messy reddish-brown hair and deep brown eyes, he had struck me as something else entirely as I watched Ness lead him and the new cadets on a tour around the base. He had lingered at the front of the group, his large eyes taking everything in at once. Once I had read his report and evaluations from his graduating class, one thing became prominently clear in my mind:

I had to have him on my squad.

It took a little bit of convincing, especially since Erwin had intended to place him in one of the supply squads under Hanji’s command. While I had absolutely no problems with the way Hanji instructed her squad, I couldn’t help but feel this Enns kid would benefit more from actually fighting the Titans rather than simply making supply runs between soldiers. According to his instructor’s evaluation, he was incredibly fast and skilled at performing sneak attacks. The boy had a gift for popping up at the last minute—and judging by the notes in the margin of the paper, he had done so plenty of times to his fellow comrades. The boy had personality, I had to give him that.

Even so, I knew our Elite Reconnaissance Squad would benefit tremendously from having a soldier like him. Gretel and Reggie relied too heavily on brute strength, and while Evan was speedy, his strong suit was strategies and battle tactics. We needed someone who could sneak up on the Titans and bring them to their knees. It didn’t matter if he couldn’t be the one to deliver the killing blow—either myself, Reggie, or Gretel could do it. As long as he could get to the Titans undetected, he was a valuable asset to have.

In the end, after speaking to Hanji for her opinion on the matter, Erwin agreed to have the boy transferred to my squad. I was relieved when Evan took to him right away; while the boy didn’t appear to be the most sociable of the group, at least he wasn’t seen as an outcast. To top it off, he was very respectful and determined to be the best soldier he could be.

Even though the next expedition wouldn’t be until the beginning of June, Erwin wanted us all to be prepared. We would be leaving through Trost District this time, to the relief of many of our cadets. None of us wanted a repeat of the last expedition, so we would be saving our northern trips for later in the summer. Personally, I was fine with that decision. I still had nightmares about the areas outside Wall Rose, as well as the Titans and prisoners that had attacked us. I was in no rush to return to the territories north of Wall Rose—and honestly, I didn’t think Levi was too keen on the idea, either.

|~|

April came and went, and by the first week of May, the sun shone brighter with each passing day. Every trace of snow had been melted away, leaving gorgeous flowers in all different shades—yellow, white, and purple—growing along the edges of the base. Even though the heat became unbearable later on in the afternoon, the soldiers still walked around looking happier than they had in ages. And now that our numbers had increased, what with the range of cadets that had joined us, we were slowly starting to regain hope.

For the first time in a long while, I felt at peace with the world—and myself. And nothing, not even Jax’s constant presence at the base, could ruin my good mood.

Halfway through the second week of May, I decided to take my cadets to the outskirts of the base and run through a few hand-to-hand combat drills. The five of us found a large patch of grass beside the main trail on the west side of the base. Now that we had an extra member, it was easier to sit back and critique their forms and styles. At least now I didn’t have to worry about fighting any of them and accidentally hurting them.

“Okay, who wants to go first?”

I wasn’t surprised when none of them raised their hands. No one really liked practicing hand-to-hand combat—except maybe Leyna, since she was so good at it to begin with—but it had to be done. Growing up as a trainee, I often wondered why we would even have to learn such a skill if we were going to be fighting Titans for the rest of our lives. Now, after my ordeal with those prisoners beyond the Walls, I was determined to brush up on my own skills, as well as make sure my cadets knew how to properly defend themselves.

“…Come on, guys. Either you volunteer, or I’m going to choose you at random.”

Gretel’s eyes flashed with fear at that statement. The last time we had practiced hand-to-hand combat, with Levi and his squad, she had been paired up with Eld at random. It only took him five seconds to knock the poor girl flat on her ass. He was extremely apologetic afterwards, and there was no bad blood between them now, but the memory would be forever ingrained in her memory.

Finally, a hand lifted from the crowd of cadets. I smiled as Murphy tilted his chin higher, to make himself look taller than he actually was.

“I’ll go, captain.”

“Thanks, Enns. Step forward.” When he did, I turned back to the other three. “Okay, who else?”

I could see the dilemma in Reggie’s eyes. He was always the first to volunteer for stuff like this, but the height difference between him and Murphy was almost laughable. He didn’t want to accidentally hurt his new comrade, especially when they didn’t know each other all that well to begin with. Gretel was probably still hung up on her last fight with Eld, and Evan looked like he was about to throw up at any minute.

I fought back a sigh. As much as I loved my kids, they could be absolutely hopeless sometimes.

“…Um, captain?”

“What is it, Enns?”

He turned to face me fully, his brown eyes gleaming in the sunlight. “If it’s alright with you, I’d like to practice with _you_.”

Three pairs of eyes went wide at the bold statement. My mouth parted slightly, but just for a moment. My shock was quickly replaced with a smile, and I nodded to the boy in front of me.

“I don’t have a problem with it. Get in position, Enns. Show me what you got.”

Reggie, Gretel, and Evan took a few steps back, giving us enough room to space out from each other. I readied myself in the dirt, balancing my weight on the balls of my feet, with my left leg pointed toward him. Murphy did the same, rolling his shoulders back before raising his arms, his hands curled into tight fists.

I had to admit, the kid had guts to challenge me. He barely even knew me, and yet he wanted to test himself against me. From what I knew about him already, it didn’t come from a place of pride or arrogance. He was genuinely curious to see how strong his new captain was, and he wanted to see how long he could hold himself against me. I hid a smile at the thought; he was probably just as excited as I was.

_He’s pretty fast, so I’ll have to watch out for that. I’ll have to anticipate where he’ll try to hit me. My face and chest are my priority, but I also have to be careful if he tries to kick me down. I’ll play defense for as long as I can and try to throw him off when he gets tired._

“You have the first move, cadet. Whenever you’re ready.”

He shot me a grateful smile, but it was gone in a flash. I could see his eyes darken as his shoulders tensed. He meant business now.

His right fist shot out towards my head, but I sidestepped at the last second. With a growl, he swung his arm again, but I dodged him with a smile. I took a few steps back, easing my way out of his reach and keeping my fists in front of my face.

“Loosen up your stance. Don’t stand so still, or you’ll never be able to move fast enough.”

“Right.” I could see his shoulders lowering slightly. At least he was trying.

He swung another few punches at me, and I blocked them with ease, batting his arms away and pushing him back. Once in a while, he tried to sweep his leg underneath mine, but I wormed my way out of his reach and backed away to a safer spot. Throughout our entire skirmish, I could feel the eyes of my other cadets burning holes into my body.

I was by no means the best fighter, but I definitely had more experience than they did. I hid a smile as I thought back to Leyna, and how she would utterly destroy me if she were here right now. Now that was something I never wanted them to see.

My chest stung at the thought of my sister. We hadn’t spoken to each other since our fight in Mitras, and she hadn’t sent a letter to me at all. She was probably still mad at me; that woman was the queen of holding grudges. Sometimes it baffled my mind that we were sisters—we were nothing alike!

Suddenly, Murphy’s fist lashed out and slammed into my stomach. The impact sent me back, crouching down into the dirt and coughing violently. It was far from the worst pain I had felt, but it was all part of my plan.

“Shit! Captain, I’m sorry—”

His apology was cut short by his own scream of surprise. I planted my hands in the dirt and kicked my leg out, successfully sweeping it underneath the boy and knocking him flat on his back in the dirt. Before he could get up, I straightened myself and knelt over him, my boot planted lightly on his chest. He stared up at me with huge brown eyes, his jaw slack and his breathing heavy.

“Don’t stop and apologize, Enns. Your enemy won’t give you that option. When you see an opening, take it. Don’t linger, or else you’ll end up regretting it. Do I make myself clear?”

He swallowed and nodded furiously. “Y-yes, captain. I understand.”

I moved my foot off of him and held out an arm. He took it without hesitation, allowing me to pull him up to his feet. I was relieved when he didn’t look sore after his obvious loss. If anything, his eyes were more determined than ever.

“Not bad for a first try. And you managed to hit me—I’d say you’re only going to get better if you keep practicing.” The small boy smiled before saluting respectfully, his fist pressed against his heart. I returned the smile before turning back to the rest of our squad, crossing my arms over my chest. “Alright, show’s over. Who wants to go next?”

But before any of them could speak up, an unfamiliar sound reached my ears. I glanced further down the trail, where a horse-drawn wagon was creeping its way closer to the base. It didn’t look like one of those fancy black carriages we usually saw in Mitras, so I knew there was no need to panic. Even so, we weren’t expecting any visitors today, as far as I knew. I could only wonder who was directing the wagon.

My concern melted away as I saw the pair in the front seat: a man and a woman, to be exact. While I didn’t recognize the man urging the brown horse on, I definitely knew the woman beside him. Her long brown hair was tied up in her usual ponytail, and her hazel eyes glimmered in the early morning sun. In her arms was a little blue bundle, which she held against her chest tightly.

“Anna!”

The man—whom I assumed was her brother—pressed the horse onward, and soon enough, the wagon had pulled up to our little patch of grass. Once the wagon came to a halt, the man leapt down and helped his sister down from her seat. When she was on the ground, she wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

“It’s good to see you again, Mia! And you too, kids!” She smiled at my cadets, who returned it—albeit a little awkwardly on Murphy’s part, but that wasn’t his fault (he didn’t even know who she was, to be honest). “It feels like forever since I’ve been here!”

I knew what she meant. It already seemed like a lifetime ago since I watched her leave the base with her brother and her new—

I glanced down at the blue bundle, unable to keep my smile off my face. “Is that—?”

A smirk etched itself onto her face. “Oh, I see how it is, Mia. You only care if I brought my baby boy with me, don’t you?”

“N-no!”

“Oh, I’m kidding! It’s okay, I think he wants to see you, too.”

She pulled back the edge of the blanket, giving me a full view of the baby inside. He was already so big for seven months old, but at the same time, he was still so tiny. His dark brown hair was a bit tousled from the blanket, and his green eyes were wide and bright. He already looked so much like Charles, especially when he gave me a toothless smile.

“Hi, sweetheart!” I made sure to speak in that high-pitched baby voice my parents always used with me when I was young. Luckily, Tobias seemed to love it, and he babbled away in his own baby language, stretching his chubby arms out to me.

I wanted to reach over and hold him, but my hands were still dirty from my spar with Murphy. I didn’t want Anna to get angry with me if I happened to get a speck of dirt on her precious little son. No need to run the risk of him getting sick, right?

“What brings you here, Anna?” The rest of the squad was at my side immediately, and while Gretel, Evan, and Murphy fawned over the baby in her arms, Reggie was polite enough to ask the real questions. “You should have told us you were visiting!”

“Well, I wanted it to be a surprise. I haven’t been back here in ages, so I thought I’d drop by.” Suddenly, her face grew somber, and when she turned back to me, her voice was no more than a murmur. “I heard about the last expedition…”

I couldn’t help but cringe at the memories. Her two friends, Hanna and Lilly, had been part of the slew of soldiers that hadn’t made it back to Wall Rose. I thought back to the morning I had found them at Anna’s side a year prior, as she hid herself in the bathroom of the girls’ barracks to deal with her bought of morning sickness. And when she had finally given birth to Tobias, the girls were always hanging around the medical wing, preparing her for her trip back to Krolva District with her brother. I didn’t have the heart to tell her they were gone, just like Charles.

“…Anna—”

“It’s okay, I know.” She reached over and squeezed my shoulder, pulling me close to her. “Hanna’s mom told me the news. And Lilly’s fiancée said the same thing.”

My arms trembled. I didn’t even know that Lilly had a fiancée back at home. Was he currently locked in the same depressed state Anna had gone through when she lost Charles almost two years ago?

“…How are they?”

She gave me a tight smile. “They’ve definitely been better, but they’re getting by. It’s still hard, but they’re strong. They’ll make it through. And I know Hanna and Lilly would have wanted them to go on.”

With a final squeeze to my shoulder, she brought her hand back to her side and smoothed down Tobias’ mop of hair. She seemed to have realized we had an audience, because she cleared her throat and spoke in a cheerful voice.

“Anyway, I just wanted to come by and see how everyone’s doing. I should also stop by Commander Erwin’s office; I’m sure he wants to know what we’ve been up to.” She pressed a kiss to Tobias’ forehead, making him squeal in delight.

“You want us to come with you?” I didn’t want her roaming around the base by herself, especially now that Jax could be anywhere by now. “These brats aren’t really into their training to begin with.” I tilted my head in my cadets’ direction—but winked at Murphy, earning myself a bashful smile from him.

There was a twinkle in Anna’s eyes. “Sounds great! Why don’t they lead the way? Adrian, can you go ahead with them?” She gave her brother a sweet smile. “I want a chance to catch up with Mia, if you don’t mind.”

My heart fluttered. What could she possibly have to say to me that couldn’t be said in the company of my cadets? But before I could object, Adrian was already leading his horse toward the base, with my squad lingering behind him. I had just enough time to hear Evan ask him about the horse before they moved out of earshot, leaving me alone with Anna and her baby.

Luckily, the silence between us wasn’t painful. Tobias still kept babbling away, swinging his arms out and trying to hold me. Anna gave me a smile, but before she could pass him off to me, I held up my hands in surrender.

“I wouldn’t. We were just training, and I don’t want to get him dirty.”

“Oh, stop it. This kid can be a little troublemaker sometimes—he’s already seen his fair share of dirt and grime.”

Still, she reached into the pocket of her cloak and pulled out a little vial of water, as well as a white cloth. I let her sprinkle the water on my hands, rinsing the dirt off. There wasn’t much to begin with, and once I had dried myself off, they looked as good as new. Knowing I couldn’t back down now, she unwrapped the blanket from Tobias and handed him off to me. I tried not to let my panic show through my face—the last time I had held this baby was when he had first been born. It was so different now!

He was dressed in a pair of baby blue onesie pajamas, with a little hood resting at the nape of his neck. The minute I had my arms around him, he began exploring my face with his tiny fingers. He grabbed onto my cheeks, my nose, my lips—anything he could get his hands on. His grip was far from being painful, so it didn’t really bother me.

“Hey, little guy! You remember me, right? Yeah, you—mmph!”

Suddenly, his hands were on both sides of my face and his mouth was crushed against my own. He only stayed there for a half a second, but it was enough to catch me off guard. When I peeked over his head at Anna, the poor girl couldn’t stop laughing.

“Sorry! I should have told you, he likes to give kisses!”

I didn’t find it disgusting or off-putting. In fact, it was rather charming. I leaned down and met his bright green eyes, my smile matching his own.

“You’re a little stinker, aren’t you?” He only continued to smile as I pressed a kiss to the top of his soft head.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the rest of our group getting further and further away from us. With a nod to Anna, the two of us began to follow them, with Tobias still nestled in my arms. He had managed to grab a fistful of my hair, and now he was trying to stuff it in his mouth. But because of its short length, it kept flying out of his grasp.

“I didn’t want to bring this up in front of the kids,” Anna started in a soft voice, “but I heard about…you know…what happened with you beyond the Wall.”

For a brief moment, I thought she was referring to the prisoners that had attacked me. But the royal assembly wouldn’t have made that information public, since they didn’t want any information on the outside world available to the rest of the citizens. Instead, I could only assume she was talking about being stranded as a whole, and the handful of days I had spent lost out in the snow.

“How are you guys holding up?”

 _Oh, so she means both me and Levi._ “We’re okay. A little shaken up, but it’s getting better.”

I didn’t want to tell her that neither of us had managed to sleep alone since we returned to our base. I still had nightmares of the Titans, the prisoners, and Levi’s bloody cloak in the Abnormal’s jaws—but for some reason, they left me alone when I knew Levi was nearby, either in his office or the chair in his bedroom. Every night was either spent in my room or his, and even though we didn’t really snuggle, just knowing the other was there was enough to put us at ease. It was an unspoken tradition at this point, and more often than not, I found myself nestled in his bed until dawn broke the next morning.

“That’s good. At least you weren’t alone out there.” Her smile softened as she reached out and touched my arm. “You two always seemed close with each other.”

It was only when her smile melted into a smirk that I realized what she was insinuating. A wave of heat washed over my face; with a gulp, I turned away from her and glanced down at the baby in my arms. But even he seemed to know what was going on—that toothless smile of his failed to prove otherwise.

“You guys are still spending time with each other, right? Nothing’s changed?”

Why was she so interested all of a sudden? While we were friends, we were never as close as Hanji and I were. We never really talked to each other about our love lives, so why was she so invested in mine?

“You could say that.” Thankfully, we were getting closer to the main castle. I wouldn’t have to put up with this torture for much longer. “I mean, it’s kind of hard to avoid at this point. Our squads basically grew up with each other, so it’s easier to train them together.”

“Ah, I see. I shouldn’t be surprised, though. You’re even starting to sound like him.”

That got my attention; I quirked an eyebrow, trying to ignore Tobias’ hands pawing at my chin. “What do you mean?”

“You just referred to your squad as _brats_. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that before.”

_…I did? I didn’t even notice…_

“W-well that doesn’t prove anything!” No matter how hard I tried, the blush wouldn’t leave my face. “Yeah, so what if I did? It just came out—and it’s not my fault if he says it all the time!”

Still, I couldn’t ignore the strange, hot feeling that began to pool in my chest. Was I really spending so much time around Levi that I was starting to talk and act like him, even without me noticing? While it seemed nice on one hand, it absolutely terrified me on the other.

Things between me and Levi had been…off, ever since I told him the truth about Jax. While he still remained protective over me and refused to leave my side for long periods of time, he had refrained from making any romantic gestures toward me. The most I could get out of him were a few lingering touches on my arm or shoulder, but that was it. He hadn’t even pulled me into his lap since our last day in Utopia District. My stomach churned as I wondered if my confession had scared him away from doing anything remotely romantic with me.

_Maybe he doesn’t want to take any chances, now that he knows what happened between you two. Maybe he doesn’t want to accidentally make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe he’s scared he’ll make you remember Jax and what he tried to do to you, and he doesn’t want to be responsible for that._

_But he doesn’t have to worry about anything! I trust him with my life, and I know he’ll never hurt me on purpose. We both know that, so why is he shying away from me?_

“Uh, hello? Mia, you still there?”

I blinked and turned back to Anna; by now, Tobias was happily munching on the collar of my jacket. “Ah, y-yeah… Just thinking, sorry.” I hadn’t meant to block her out, but apparently I had gotten way too invested in my thoughts about Levi.

While Evan led Adrian to the stables, the rest of my squad headed for the main castle. I knew they were only trying to get themselves out of training, so I let them go without a fight. But it would be a whole different story tomorrow.

“So, where are you heading off to first?”

“Probably the Commander’s office, and then I’ll swing by and see the barracks and the stables. I can’t stay too long—Adrian doesn’t want to travel too late at night.”

As we entered the massive doors of the castle, I shifted my arms around Tobias, preparing to give him back to his mother. But the stubborn baby boy wouldn’t let go of my sleeves, and when I tried to pull him away, he simply nestled his head into the crook of my neck.

_Oh, great. Looks like I have a little burr._

“Come on, buddy. Time to go back to your mama.”

But he refused to let go of my shirt; for such a small little guy, he had a pretty strong grip. I tried to glare at him, but his toothless smile made it melt away almost instantly.

Anna shook her head and took a step back. “It’s okay, you can hold onto him for a little longer. It’s nice to have him drooling over someone else for a change.”

I didn’t realize what she meant until I glanced down at my shirt. Right below my collarbone was a dark stain in the green fabric—it was practically soaked.

“…Whatever! You’re just lucky you’re so cute.” I kissed his forehead again, earning a gut-busting laugh from him. As I watched him paw at the collar of my jacket, I felt a rush of happiness fall over me.

_How can something so precious exist in such a cruel and dangerous world?_

“Uh, okay then!” I shook my head and gave Anna another smile. “I’m just going to run back up to my office. I have to remind myself to put my squad through hell tomorrow, if you know what I mean.”

She only laughed. She knew exactly what kind of non-Titan-related horrors cadets in the Survey Corps had to experience—she had been in the same graduating class as Moblit, after all. Along with myself and Hanji, those two knew exactly what those kids were going to face tomorrow.

“Alright, I’ll meet you in the Commander’s office in a bit, then.”

“Sounds good. See you!”

I expected Tobias to burst into tears the minute he realized I was taking him away from his mom, but it never happened. Instead, the green-eyed baby boy snuggled deeper into his chest, not even caring his face was pressed up against the drool patch he had left. He continued reaching for my hair, grumbling to himself as the strands evaded his grasp.

I walked slower than usual, careful not to jostle him around too much. I could deal with drool and all that nonsense, but I didn’t want to have to deal with cleaning up baby vomit. Besides, Anna would kill me if something happened to him, unintentional or not. She trusted me to keep her baby safe, and I was going to do it, no matter what.

As we neared the second floor, I couldn’t help but tighten my grip around his little body. I always had to keep in mind the possibility of running into Jax, no matter where I went. I didn’t want him to see me right now, much less while holding a baby. I didn’t trust him not to try to hurt him if we happened to cross paths with each other.

Thankfully, we made it to my office without any incident whatsoever. The hallway was mostly empty, since Hanji and Moblit were out training with their squad. It was weird to have it so quiet, since I could usually hear Hanji’s babbling and Moblit’s concerned screeching from all the way down the hall. Now, I heard absolutely nothing—well, except for Tobias’ incessant baby noises.

I entered my office and locked the door behind me. I rarely used to lock it, but I had forced myself to start doing it after Jax had been assigned to the base. If he _did_ happen to see me go into my office, I didn’t want him barging in and cornering me. Better safe than sorry, right?

I hoisted the baby in one arm and leaned over my desk, scrawling myself a quick note and taping it to the stack of unfinished paperwork at my seat. Hanji had begged me earlier in the week to take some of her own paperwork, but before I could protest, she dumped the entire stack in my arms and ran off without another word. But I wasn’t angry at her; I knew how she worked by now. She could still get away with that kind of stuff, if it was me she was talking to.

_I just hope she never tries to do that with Levi._

Suddenly, there was a harsh twist at the doorknob on the other side of the wall. I froze at my desk, coiling my arms around Tobias and hugging him close. I tried to stifle his baby sounds with my own shushing, but he wouldn’t let up. I swallowed hard and took a step away from the door, watching as the knob jiggled in the dark brown wood.

_Is it Jax? Oh God, does he know I’m in here? Did he watch me come in? Do I answer it? Do I just ignore it? Will he know if I leave it alone? Will he try to break down the door if I don’t let him in? But I can’t let him in! What if he—_

“You in there, Wolf?”

_Levi._

I let out a heavy sigh, running my fingers through Tobias’ soft brown hair. It was just Levi. I had nothing to be scared of.

I crossed the room and unlocked the door. I could have thrown myself in his arms when I saw him on the other side, standing in the hallway. But I stopped short once I saw an unfamiliar glint in his silver eyes.

“What is _that_?”

I glanced down at my arms, where Tobias was currently chewing on my shirt. “Oh, he’s Anna’s baby. She’s visiting the base today; I think she’s in Erwin’s office right now, actually. His name is Tobias. He’s cute, isn’t he? …What, you thought he was _mine_?”

He remained silent as he allowed himself into my office, shutting the door behind him. As I walked back over to my desk, I could’ve sworn I saw a faint tint of pink on his cheeks.

“You never lock your door during the day.”

I stiffened, dropping my eyes and focusing on Tobias. As gently as I could, I removed his fingers from my hair and placed them back on my shirt. “It’s just a precaution. I don’t want to run into you-know-who, especially with this little guy.”

He nodded, and an awkward silence settled over us. I shifted my weight, holding Tobias close to my left hip. I wondered why Levi was here in the first place—didn’t he have training with his squad today? He never dropped by my office during the day; he always visited me at night, when there was no one awake to bother us.

I wanted to ask him why he had stopped trying to get so close to me, why he had decided to give me the cold shoulder. But I didn’t want to sound too desperate, and I didn’t want to ruin the friendship we already had with each other. I couldn’t push him too much—he needed time to get used to me and the whole idea of romance. I had to be patient, no matter how much waiting around was killing me.

But just as I opened my mouth, Levi’s voice filled my ears: “You busy later, or what?”

“Um…what do you mean?” _He’s not asking what I think he’s going to ask, right?_

“I mean, are you busy later?” His voice had an edge to it now, and he turned his head away from me, his gaze directed toward the desk instead of my own. “Do you have anything else to do later in the day?”

 _He’s not…going to ask me out, right? No, that’s crazy!_ Levi wasn’t the type of person to ask someone out on a date like that. I was just getting my hopes up.

“Not really. Why? You need me for something?”

_Please, ask me out on a date!_

His silver eyes met mine, and my heart nearly burst right then and there. Tobias could sense it—I could tell by the way he stared up at me, his fist shoved into his mouth.

“I need an extra pair of hands to help me with cleaning my office.”

_…Oh._

It was hard not to feel disappointed at that, but honestly, what was I expecting? Did I really think he would drop everything and take me out on a normal date? Besides, where would we even go at this point? I knew it would never happen between us, not with the way things were right now.

Nevertheless, I put on my best smile and held Tobias closer to my chest. “S-sure! I’ll help you out. But…why don’t you just ask Eld or Gunther? I mean, they’re part of your squad. I had my squad clean out my office—”

“And look at the shit job they did of it.” On cue, he reached over and swiped his hand along one of the shelves of my bookcase. He grimaced as he retracted his hand, his fingers coated with a thin layer of dust. I could only watch as he produced a white cloth from his jacket pocket, wiping his hand clean. “At least you’ll be able to learn how to properly clean this way. Eld and Gunther already know how to do it— _you_ , on the other hand, are grossly incompetent.”

I knew I should have felt offended, but I could only roll my eyes and smile. His insults had no effect on me anymore—not when the two of us had been through so much together already.

“Blow it out your ass, captain. It’s not my fault no one can live up to your cleaning standards.”

I turned back to my desk, shuffling the papers around with my free hand. Tobias continued to chew on his hand, leaning his head against my chest. But just as I straightened my back, glancing at one of the papers Hanji had given me earlier in the week, I felt a warm weight hover over my waist. I sucked in a sharp breath when he let out a sigh behind me, his breath hot and moist against the nape of my neck.

“That’s quite the mouth you’ve got,” he whispered in that gravelly voice of his. “Is insulting me the only thing you can use it for?”

_Baby, I can think of a thousand different things I can do with my mouth for you._

For a moment, as adorable as he was, I wished Tobias wasn’t snuggled up in my arms, chewing on my shirt. Honestly, I didn’t even want him in the same room as us. All I wanted was for Levi to push me onto my desk and have his way with me. As the sudden, scandalous thought crossed my mind, I felt a wave of heat crash over my face. But it wasn’t my fault for getting all hot and bothered—he just had that effect on me!

_Damn it, I thought I was done thinking about him like this!_

But this was the closest he had ever gotten to me since I told him about Jax. I wasn’t going to let this opportunity go to waste.

“Fine, then. Once I hand this little guy back to Anna, you can spend the rest of the day teaching me the _proper_ way to clean an office.”

_And maybe a few other things, while you’re at it._

To add insult to injury, I nudged my hips backwards, brushing them into his own. He groaned and gripped my waist with a firm hand, holding me in place. But as he leaned down to the side of my neck, I could feel him stiffen behind me. Suddenly, he traced his hand up and over my hair, plucking a few strands between his fingers.

“Why is your hair wet?”

It was a struggle not to burst into laughter. “Ah…the baby was chewing on it earlier.”

He let go immediately, taking a step back. “That’s disgusting, Wolf. How can you put up with that?”

I rolled my eyes and turned around to face him, just in time to see him wiping his hand with that little white cloth of his. “It’s not that big of a deal. Babies are messy, get over it. It’s not their fault, they can’t help it!”

Suddenly, a devious idea came to mind. I could feel my mouth pulling up into a smirk as the idea began to take shape, and before I knew it, I was holding Tobias out to him. I was going to make this man as uncomfortable as he always made me, and I was going to love every second of it.

“Why don’t _you_ hold him?” To emphasize my point, Tobias reached for him, his little hands grasping at the air between them. “Come on, he seems to like you!”

For a moment, I saw a flash of genuine fear in the captain’s eyes. “Absolutely not. I don’t do well with those things, Wolf.”

“He’s not a thing, he’s a baby! Suck it up and hold him!”

I was well aware of the fact he probably didn’t like babies because of his upbringing in the brothel underground. I wasn’t an idiot—due to the number of women there and the services they provided, it was almost guaranteed that many of them would have had a few children down the line. I mean, Levi was one of those kids to begin with, so it wasn’t too far off. Maybe seeing babies and little kids reminded him of the horrors he had been forced to endure during his time in the Underground. Or maybe—and I wasn’t going to ask him this outright—seeing them reminded him of his mother, wherever she was right now.

But that didn’t mean he could take his frustrations out on Tobias, who had nothing to do with his past. Holding a baby could make you relax almost instantly, and for a few moments, you forgot about all the horrible things the world had done to you. I knew this from experience—the first time I held him in my arms, when he was just a newborn baby, I felt every bit of stress melt away from my body. And judging by the way he looked, Levi could use some stress relief for himself.

_Well, there are other ways to get him to relax if he doesn’t want to hold him—_

_Stop it, Wolf! Can’t you just stop being horny for three seconds?!_

“I’m not holding him, so stop it.” He took a step back, but I followed him, still holding the giggling baby out to him. “Get him away, damn it! I said I’m not holding him!”

“Come on, just look at him! He won’t bite, I promise!”

“I’m not doing it!”

“Please?”

“I said no!”

“Hold the fucking baby!”

By now, his back was pressed against the wall, leaving him at my mercy. I smiled as Tobias’ chubby hands brushed his white cravat, barely snagging the fabric. Levi continued to glare at me, but I refused to back down. He was going to hold this baby, even if I had to force him to.

_But it doesn’t look like he’s letting up. What can I say or do that will finally get him to hold him?_

Another beautiful—yet sneaky—idea popped into my head. I leaned over to him, raising an eyebrow and smirking at him. “You know, bonding with children is a great way to win a woman’s heart.”

I knew I was taking a risk, but I was so worked up at the moment that I couldn’t really care. Besides, at this point, what did I have to lose?

His silver eyes sharpened at my words. “What are you implying, brat?”

 _You know **exactly** what I’m implying, captain_. But I only smirked at him, still holding Tobias out to him.

Finally, after a long, agonizing moment, he sighed and pushed himself off the wall. I took a step back to give him more room as he straightened himself out, giving me a death glare all the while. When he was finished, he motioned for me to hand him the baby.

“I suppose I have to, or else you won’t shut up about it.”

 _Yeah, I’m sure that’s the reason you caved in_. But I held my tongue and handed Tobias off to him. Once I was sure he was comfortable in his arms, I took a step back and admired the view.

It was hard not to laugh at the sight of Tobias pawing at the stoic man’s uniform. He trailed his hands over every inch of fabric he could reach—his jacket, his gray shirt, his cravat, you name it. Nothing was off limits; he went for anything within his grasp. As he carried on with his aimless pawing, I snuck a glance at Levi. It took everything I had not to burst out laughing.

The usually stoic man’s face was scrunched up in disgust, and whenever the baby’s hands went for his face, he tilted his head away and grumbled incoherently under his breath. His arms were a little awkward around him, but he didn’t look like he was about to accidentally drop him. If anything, he was holding him too close to his chest.

“See? It’s not so bad, right?” My only answer was a death glare.

To be honest, I liked seeing the black-haired Scout so flustered. It was nice to see him display an emotion other than absolute boredom for once, so that was a major plus. Besides, he looked utterly _adorable_ with a baby in his arms.

My chest ached as a long-forgotten wish resurfaced in my mind: the wish to have kids of my own. For a brief moment, I imagined my own child in Tobias’ place. Would I have a daughter or a son? I didn’t know which one I wanted more, so I really didn’t have a preference. Or maybe I would have both? Twins ran in my mother’s family, so it was entirely possible.

_Then who would they look like? Would my daughter take after me or my husband? What would my son look like? Would he be the spitting image of his father, like Ben was?_

I chewed on my bottom lip, dropping my eyes to the floor. Who would their father be? It was crazy for me to imagine a life with my own kids when I didn’t even know who their father would be.

I glanced up at Tobias, who had nestled himself against Levi’s chest. For a split second, I imagined he had black hair instead of brown, and silvery blue eyes instead of bright green.

“Snap out of it, brat.” Levi’s harsh voice jerked me out of my thoughts. When I met his eyes again, I could see he was getting fed up with holding the baby. “Take him back. I don’t want him drooling all over me.”

“Aw, but that’s part of the fun!” But I made my way over to him, holding out my arms for the baby. I didn’t want to push him too much for one day; I was already lucky he had decided to hold him to begin with.

Just as Levi pried Tobias’s fingers away from his cravat, the baby reached up and squeezed his face in between his pudgy hands. Before I could warn him, he reached over and planted a wet kiss right on the captain’s mouth.

Levi grunted in disgust and wrenched the baby away from his face, glaring at the giggling mess in his arms. I could see a little bit of drool at the corner of his mouth, but I didn’t dare point it out. Besides, I was too busy trying not to die of laughter.

“Ugh, take him already!” He practically shoved Tobias back into my arms, where I cuddled him up to my chest and rubbed his back. Levi wiped his mouth with the corner of his sleeve, grimacing at the little wet spot on the fabric. “That’s disgusting! What the fuck is wrong with it?!”

“Nothing’s wrong with him,” I said, unable to stop myself from laughing. “He just likes to give kisses, I guess. I probably should’ve warned you, huh?”

“It would have been nice to know,” he muttered, still wiping at his mouth. I was certain he got it all off by now, but I knew he wouldn’t listen to me if I told him that. When he was finally done, he sneered at the baby, who was still giggling uncontrollably. “Little brat knows _exactly_ what he’s doing.”

“Levi, he’s _seven months old_. Grow the hell up already.” I smoothed his brown hair before kissing the top of his head. “He didn’t mean to make you blush, if that’s what you’re so worried about.”

“It’s not!” But there was no denying the pink dusting on his cheeks. “It’s just…who knows where that thing has been?!”

“He’s not a thing, you know. And don’t worry, he’s probably the cleanest one here right now. Don’t get so worked up over it.”

As much as I enjoyed putting Levi through this little torturous game, I knew I couldn’t linger for much longer. I didn’t want Tobias to go too long without his mother, and I didn’t want Anna to think I was stealing her son from her.

With a huff, I hoisted Tobias back onto my hip and walked closer to Levi. The man was still looking at the baby with distrustful silver eyes.

“I have to go drop him off. I’ll swing by your office after lunch, okay? Then you can get your revenge on me for making you hold him. Sound good?”

The word _revenge_ brought a dangerous glint to those eyes I loved so much. Before I could blink, he curled his fingers around my shirt—the part that wasn’t soaked with Tobias’ drool—and gently pulled me toward him. His hot breath brushed the shell of my ear, his deep voice sending shivers down my spine.

“I’d be careful with my words if I were you, Mia. I don’t plan on holding back any time soon.”

_Well, two can play at that game!_

“I’m counting on that.” I pressed a kiss to his cheek before twisting myself out of his grip. As I headed for the door, I peeked at him over my shoulder and sent him a wink. “Make sure you lock the door when you leave, _captain_.”

I shut the door behind me, my heart pounding furiously in my chest. As quickly as I could, I started to walk down the hall in the direction of the Commander’s office. All the while, Tobias gazed up at me—and if I didn’t know any better, I would say that little stinker was smirking at me.

|~|

By the time lunch rolled around, Anna and her brother bid us farewell and left the base, taking Tobias with them. It was hard to part with the little cutie, especially when he refused to let go of my shirt to begin with, but I knew it couldn’t be helped. A military base was no place to raise a kid, and Anna and I both knew that. However, she promised to stop by again as soon as she could. I only nodded and gave Tobias one last kiss on his chubby cheek, promising that I would see him soon.

After a brief meeting with my squad in the freshly cleaned mess hall—where I made it clear that they would be facing absolute hell tomorrow—I headed off toward Levi’s office. Clenched in my hand was the white cloth I usually tied around my face to keep out the dust. I knew I didn’t have to bother with bringing my own cleaning supplies—Levi probably had a whole stash in one of his closets, I was sure of it.

He opened the door on the second knock, his eyes slanted into a glare. He had taken off his jacket and donned a similar white cloth, which was held up over his nose. Another cloth was tied around the top of his head, protecting his hair from any dirt and dust. I tried to step inside, but he stopped me with a hand on my chest. I had changed shirts before coming here, so I didn’t have to worry about any remnants of drool left over from the baby.

“Are your boots clean? I don’t need you tracking in any shit on the floor.”

“…Aren’t we cleaning it anyway? Why even bother?”

He pulled down the cloth over his face, his lip curling up in a snarl. “Just do as I say, Wolf. Make sure they’re clean before you step inside.”

He motioned to the floor, where a small brown mat was laid out right outside the threshold. I couldn’t help but frown at it—had that always been there?

Well aware of his eyes on me, I scuffed my boots on the mat, clearing them of any clumps of dirt I might have picked up over the past few hours. When he was satisfied, Levi stepped aside, allowing me into the room. The sound of the lock clicking in place sent a chill up my spine.

_I’m locked in here with him. We’re alone now. Oh, the things that could happen…_

“Okay, what now?”

He swiped another white cloth from his desk, which was bare of any paperwork or trinkets. Before I could let my mind wander concerning the empty desk, he began to speak. “First, put this over your hair. The last thing you want is for dust to start settling in.”

I rolled my eyes and followed his orders, tying the cloth up and around the top of my head. “Like this?”

He reached over and tugged on the sides, bringing the cloth against my ears. “Yeah, like that. Now cover your face.”

Once I was done, he motioned to his desk once more. Stacked on the side was a bevy of cleaning supplies, just as I suspected. There was a broom, a mop, sponges, clean rags, dusters, and two buckets filled to the brim with soapy water. I couldn’t help but blush once I saw them—I had been so caught up by my fantasies involving the empty desk that I had completely disregarded the cleaning supplies _directly beside it_.

_What is wrong with me?_

“Start with the windows. That should be easy enough for you, considering your inexperience.” I clenched my hands at his smirk, which he covered up almost instantly with the white cloth over his face. “I’ll deal with dusting the furniture. Now get going.”

Before I grabbed a sponge, I shed my jacket and draped it over his chair, directly on top of his own. As I rolled my sleeves up to my elbows, I raised my eyebrow at him. “Aren’t you worried I’ll screw it up?”

He grabbed one of the rags and a duster not even sparing me a glance. “I know you won’t. I’ll have my eye on you the entire time.”

 _Oh, I hope you will._ “Whatever you say, sir.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him stiffen at the name. But he regained his composure so quickly I thought I had imagined it. Still, that didn’t stop my mind from racing with a number of possibilities.

_Does that get him all riled up, too? I’ll have to keep that in mind._

With a huff, I grabbed one of the buckets and a white sponge from the corner of the desk. Luckily there were only two windows in his office—one behind his desk and one behind the couch at the other end of the room—so it wouldn’t take me too long to clean them. That is, unless Levi decided to be a prick and make me redo the whole thing over again. I had seen what he did to poor Eld and Gunther; if their cleaning wasn’t to his liking, they had to start from scratch.

I dipped the sponge into the water and wrung it out, grimacing as the soapy bubbles slid across my fingers. I never really liked cleaning, especially hardcore jobs like this one. I could wash dishes and do laundry, but I drew the line at cleaning furniture and windows and everything in between.

_Why did I even agree to this?_

I started cleaning the windows, trying to use the sunlight as my guide. To be honest, they didn’t even look that dirty to begin with, but I was certain Levi could see something I couldn’t. A normal person would have cleaned their office every few weeks or so, depending on how much spare time they had. But I knew by now that Levi was far from normal.

“Don’t use so much soap, dumbass,” I heard him call out from behind me. My cheeks flushed at his condescending tone. “And make sure you don’t splash! I don’t need another mess to clean up.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” I twisted the sponge just a little too tightly before returning to the glass panes of the window.

A somewhat comfortable silence settled over the two of us; the only sounds that could be heard were the squeaking of the sponge against the glass and the rustling of furniture from across the room. The constant sweeping of the duster seemed to calm me, as strange as it sounded. I practically hated everything that had to do with cleaning, and yet for some reason, the sound of the black-haired Scout dusting the furniture behind me put a smile on my face.

_Oh, that reminds me. Now that we’re alone, I should probably ask him about what happened to him beyond Wall Rose a few weeks ago. Enough time has passed for me to ask him about it, right?_

Even though well over two months had passed, Levi still hadn’t told me what he had seen after we separated on that cursed winter expedition. I didn’t want to ask him right away, because I didn’t want to bring up any painful memories, but at the same time, the suspense was practically killing me. Surely he was able to tell me about it now, right?

“Hey, Levi? Can I ask you a question?”

He let out a sigh, and I could almost feel his gray eyes burning holes into my back. “If you’re talking, you’re obviously not cleaning properly.”

“Oh, come on! I promise I’ll stop bothering you after this!”

“Tch, fine. What is it?”

I made sure to keep my eyes on the window, just so he wouldn’t see the huge, proud smile on my face. But it vanished almost instantly when I thought about my next few words—and the possible reactions that awaited me.

“So…you never told me about what happened…after we split up…” I cleared my throat, dragging the soapy sponge across the window. “Where did you end up going before you made it back to Utopia District?”

The memories came flooding back all at once: running away from the Titans, splitting up to take them down, the promise Levi made me—and then finding the steaming carcass of the Abnormal Titan, with Levi’s bloody cloak between its teeth. Bile bubbled up in the back of my throat, but I forced it down. I wasn’t going to lose my cool. Not in front of him, of all people. I had done that too many times already.

The sound of the duster brushing against the bookcase stopped immediately. For a moment, I wondered if I had said the wrong thing. But I shook my head and chased the thought away. No, this had been a long time coming. He didn’t always have to be so secretive around me. Didn’t he know by now that he could trust me?

“That’s irrelevant, Wolf.”

 _He’s avoiding the question!_ “No, it’s not. I want to know what happened to you out there. You were…” I swallowed, squeezing my eyes shut. “You were out there all alone and I wasn’t—”

“It’s in the past, Wolf.” I could hear the hardness in his tone, but I wasn’t going to be silenced so easily. If he thought I was going to just shut up and take it on the chin, he had another thing coming. “It’s not that important, so drop it.”

“Yes, it is!” This time, I whipped around and glared at him, yanking the white cloth down and off of my mouth. “You almost _died_ , Levi! And I’m just supposed to accept it and move on?!”

His gray eyes were icy as he turned to face me, lowering the duster in his hand. “Yes, you are. Plenty of other soldiers face the same thing, and you know that. I’m not special, you brat.”

_But you are to me._

I cared about each and every one of my fellow Scouts, but I couldn’t deny the fact I loved a certain few just a bit more. Hanji and Levi were my main concerns, along with Erwin and my cadets. I would have done the same thing if any of them had been stranded outside the Walls by themselves, lost in the harsh northern territories of Wall Maria. For God’s sake, I had been on the verge of having a mental breakdown when I thought Levi was dead. And now he tried to say that he wasn’t anyone special? If we lost him, the Survey Corps would be right back where we started, scrambling to fight against the Titans and reclaim our long lost land.

“…I bet you told Erwin about it already.” I couldn’t keep the venom out of my voice. “Am I right?”

This time, he discarded the duster on the shelf of the bookcase and pulled down his own cloth, his lip raised in a sneer. “That’s none of your business.”

 _So that means he did. He and Erwin practically tell each other everything by now._ “I’m just proving a point. You trust him, but you don’t trust me?”

I didn’t want to get dragged into another argument with him, but he was leaving me no other option. He was just being a stubborn asshole, and I was falling right into his trap. But I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact he wouldn’t tell me what happened that day in the snow. Didn’t everything we had suffered through together mean anything to him?

“…Please, just tell me.” I fought to keep my voice low and soft; I didn’t want to agitate him further and scare him off. “I’m just worried about you… You were out there on your own for a whole day, Levi! I thought you were _dead_!”

 _And I can’t lose you_. But I bit my tongue before the words could escape my mouth.

He blinked once, his expression never faltering. The sponge was soaking the skin of my hand, dripping back down into the bucket of soapy water. As the two of us stared at each other, I felt my chest begin to deflate.

_I should just give up at this point. He’s not going to cave in—I underestimated how stubborn the bastard is._

But before I could say anything, he let out a heavy sigh, rolling his silver eyes and staring up at the ceiling. I held my breath, not even daring to move an inch.

“Fine, then. What do you want to know? And make it quick—you’re still on the first window, you know.”

I bit back any smart remark that threatened to spill from my lips. I was getting what I wanted, right? I was in no position to complain.

“…What happened, you know, after we split up? I remember…I remember seeing what was left of that Abnormal, but…” My throat tightened at the memory. “…All I saw was your cloak. I called for you, but you didn’t answer. Where _were_ you? How did you even get out of there? I couldn’t see you _or_ Mischa…”

It had been bothering me ever since that fateful day in the snow. Any trace of Levi or his horse were erased from the area, almost as if they had vanished into thin air. Combined with the amount of blood splattered onto the cloak—and the fact it was in the Titan’s mouth—it was only logical to assume he had been eaten. But the other Titans were nowhere to be seen, either. Had they just run away once the Abnormal was killed, or did they chase after Levi? If he had managed to get away from them, why didn’t he answer any of my calls or smoke signals? He had left me to my own assumptions that day, and I was forced to return to Wall Rose without him at my side.

I was about to protest when he turned away from me, but I forced myself to stay silent once he started to speak. All the while, his voice was low and hushed, as if he didn’t want anyone who happened to pass by the office to know what he was about to tell me.

“Those stitches you put in me tore as soon as I started fighting them. I wasn’t fast enough, and it managed to grab the back of my cloak. Once I killed it, I started to draw the other two away. I didn’t want them to get bored of me and come after you.”

An icy hand squeezed my heart. _Of course, it has to come back to me. Why can’t he just think of himself for once in his life? He doesn’t always have to worry about protecting me, especially if it means getting himself killed._

“By the time I took them out, I was starting to feel lightheaded—like I was about to puke.” He placed a hand on the shelf of the bookcase, right next to his duster. He still wouldn’t look at me, as much as I wanted him to. “That’s the last thing I remember. By the time I woke up, the sun was going down.”

My jaw dropped, and a soft splash erupted in the room. I had dropped the sponge back into the bucket in my shock. “Y-you were out there…for hours?!”

_How is he still alive?! Any other soldier would have died from exposure at that rate, especially with an open wound!_

“Apparently.” His voice remained emotionless as ever, but I could see the muscles in his shoulders tense up. “I guess that explains why I never heard your calls or saw your signals. I knew it was too late to head toward Wall Rose, so I went back to that old castle you took us to.”

 _Skoll Castle_. My cheeks flared up as I remember our last night in that old, tattered castle—and the morning after. I could still feel my fingers against his scars, mapping out his skin and burning it into my memory. I swallowed hard as I wondered if he would ever let me touch him like that again.

“I’m lucky that damn horse decided to stick around.” A hint of a smile slipped into his voice at the mention of Mischa. “Without her, I’d be dead.”

_Yeah, there’s no denying that. I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that, Mischa._

“…And then? Did you make it back to the castle or what?”

“You sure like asking a lot of useless questions, brat. Of course I did—I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t. I would still be bleeding out in the snow, if that was the case.” I flinched at the image of Levi lying in the snow, broken and bruised and bloody. “I only stayed for the night. Once I made sure I wouldn’t bleed to death, I headed back out. It took most of the day, but eventually I saw the Wall in the distance. Next thing I knew, I was in the hospital, and you were staring at me, looking like you were about to piss yourself.”

 _Okay, maybe I was._ But could he really blame me? I had spent the last two days thinking he was dead! 

I knew all of that was in the past now. We were both safe and sound behind the Walls again, back at the Survey Corps base with the rest of our soldiers. Nothing could hurt us now.

Still, that didn’t stop the nightmares from coming each night. Every time I tried sleeping by myself in my room, I would always see the faces of the Titans that had chased me—or the prisoners who had tried to rape me. They wouldn’t ease up until I knew for certain that Levi was nearby, whether that meant I was in his bed or he was in my room with me.

And now, hearing his own account of that horrible expedition, I was worried they would only grow more intense. I was worried that they would consist of an injured Levi, close to death in the snow below—and I would be powerless to help him.

I crossed the room in four large steps, and before I knew it, my arms were around his waist, my face nuzzling in between his shoulder blades. He went rigid under my touch, but it only took him a few seconds to relax once he realized it was just me. As I pressed my burning face into the gray fabric of his shirt, he let out a humorless laugh.

“What is it now, Wolf?”

“I’m just… I’m just glad you’re okay…”

“Tch, of course I am. I already told you, kid, I don’t plan on dying on you.”

I tightened my arms around him, savoring his warmth. I was glad he wasn’t facing me at the moment; at least now he couldn’t see the huge, dumb smile that had plastered itself on my face.

“That’s good to know. Life would get _really_ boring without you, Levi.”

I raised my hands, tracing aimless patterns on his stomach. My throat ran dry as I felt the hard planes of his abdomen through the shirt, and my smile only grew wider as I thought back to all the times I had seen him shirtless. I had been apart from him for too long, and I could easily count the number of times I had been this close to him on one hand. I could allow myself to enjoy this and my little fantasies, right?

But before I could explore any further, he tilted his body and flicked my forehead. I felt my stomach flip as I saw that familiar, gorgeous shadow of blue in those silver eyes.

“Don’t think you can distract me with sweet talk, brat. You’re still on the first window.”

“…Alright, fine. I guess I can’t fool you, huh?”

As much as it hurt to do so, I pulled myself away from him and headed back to the window. But I made sure to add a little sway of my hips; if I was lucky, he was still watching me.

As the two of us carried on with our cleaning, my mind ran rampant with different ways to tease him. I had enjoyed putting him on edge earlier, when I had begged him to hold Tobias. But that had been mostly innocent. Now that everything between us was sort of okay, I could start being a little more suggestive with my mannerisms.

_Besides, we’re the only ones here, so he doesn’t have to worry about upholding that emotionless reputation of his. What better time to win him over than right now?_

Finally, the first window was gleaming in the sun, and once he gave me approval, I moved onto the second one. Meanwhile, Levi had moved on to sweeping the floor. According to him, we had to take care of any lingering dust and dirt before we could actually clean it. It was all just a bunch of nonsense to me, so I nodded and went along with it.

As I dragged the sponge across the window, I kept sneaking glances at the black-haired man behind me. Thankfully, he hadn’t noticed I had been checking him out for the past few minutes. But even if he did, I wasn’t ashamed. He was attractive—it wasn’t my fault! What else was I supposed to do?

My mouth began to water as I watched his muscles flex and harden with every sweep of the broom. His entire uniform fit his body so well, highlighting every inch with absolute grace. I let my eyes drop a little lower—and _by the Walls_ , his ass looked great in those pants. And his thighs? _Don’t even get me started on them._

_What I wouldn’t give to feel those thighs around my head—_

I froze as the thought crossed my mind. With a huff, I turned back to the window, scrubbing it with much more pressure than I had been earlier. What was _wrong_ with me? I had just come clean about telling him what Jax had done to me—and all of a sudden I was having all of these sexual thoughts about him? Was that even appropriate, given the short amount of time since my confession?

It wasn’t like me to feel horny or excited like this, but I guess it couldn’t be helped. I hadn’t indulged in little fantasies like this since last year, when we traveled to Mitras with Levi for the first time. A wave of heat washed over my face as I remembered that night in the castle, when I had pleasured myself in the shower to the thought of Levi’s body. That had been the only time I had ever done something like that, but I would be lying if I said I never wanted to do it again.

_My God, maybe Hanji and the rest of the girls are right. Maybe I **do** need to get laid in the near future…_

But at this point, I didn’t have my eyes on anyone except Levi. If I was going to have to pick a partner for such an unspeakable act, I would choose him in a heartbeat.

Once the window was clean, I carried the bucket and sponge back over to the desk, setting them down as gently as I could. As I leaned down, I made sure to stick my hips out a little further, just enough to catch his attention. While I didn’t have much to offer in the chest department, Hanji had told me countless times (while trying to hook me up with guys when we first joined the Scouts) that I had quite the noticeable ass.

 _Hopefully he’ll get the hint and notice it. I’m screwed if he’s oblivious_.

But by the way the repetitive sweeping of the broom slowly came to a stop, I assumed that wasn’t the case. Just as I straightened myself up, I heard him walking towards me. It wasn’t long before I felt his presence behind me, as he propped the broom up against the desk.

_I’d love for him to prop **me** up against that desk instead. _

“Not bad for a first-timer,” his voice rumbled from behind me. “The windows are spotless. I’m impressed, Wolf. I thought you’d fuck it up in no time.”

I scoffed, turning around halfway and bumping my hips into his. I smirked at the groan he let out. “Come on, have a little faith in me. Who’s to say I don’t have a few hidden talents of my own?”

I turned my gaze to the variety of cleaning supplies near the desk, nearly missing the sly smile his lips had formed into. I kept my eyes away from his, but I let my hips brush against his own as I leaned and grabbed one of the many rags on the desk. To be honest, as exposed as I felt right now, acting this way, I couldn’t deny it felt exciting. I enjoyed teasing him like this, and when I thought back to what Vivienne had told me a year ago in Mitras, my smirk only grew.

_“Give him the doe eyes. Beckon him closer. Brush up against him. Make it so that he can’t wait to fuck you.”_

I would say I was doing a pretty good job so far, right? I definitely had his attention, and now it was time to tease him.

“Is that so?”

My breath hitched in my throat as his arms came around my upper half, his hips pressing into my ass. He rested his hands just above my stomach, barely brushing the underside of my white bra.

_Wait a minute! I’m supposed to be the one to make him flustered, not him!_

He tugged his facecloth down with a single stroke, his hot breath fanning over my right ear. “And what are these so-called _talents_ of yours? Anything I should be aware of?” There was no mistaking the teasing tone in his voice—especially not after his hand skimmed my side and rested on my waist.

“W-well…” _Holy shit, what do I say?! I want to keep up the flirty act, but it’s a little difficult when he’s practically feeling me up!_ “I…I mean, you’ve already figured one of them out. I have a pretty smart mouth when I want to.”

_Why, why, **why** did I go for the mouth thing?! That’s just too obvious! I might as well strip, bend over the desk, and beg him to take me right now! _

I mean, I wasn’t _opposed_ to the idea, but still…

A deep chuckle erupted from his chest, which was pressed firmly into my back. Despite the suggestive position we were in, I still felt absolutely safe, with his arms secured around me. I knew I wasn’t in any real danger, so I had no reason to worry.

“Oh, I bet you do,” he practically purred in my ear, dragging his hand from my waist. I sucked in a sharp breath as he hovered over the upper half of my thigh, dangerously close to the seam of my pants. If he reached just a little further, he would know just how excited I was.

_What the fuck am I doing?! He’s right there—I can’t be getting aroused right in front of him! Damn it, how can he be so fucking sexy when he’s in that ridiculous cleaning outfit of his?!_

But there was no denying it. I was getting wet, end of story. And if this continued, I was certain I would be soaking through my panties.

“I wonder if it’s good for anything, besides spewing shit every now and then.” His nose brushed against the side of my neck, his mouth pressing light kisses to my skin. If he didn’t do something soon, I was sure I would explode right then and there.

“…Why don’t you find out?”

“Hm…” He gave another chuckle, hot and heavy against my neck. “Perhaps I will, Wolf.”

Suddenly, he tightened his grip on my waist and thigh, digging his fingers through the fabric of my clothes. He was taking too long; all I wanted was for him to strip me and push me onto that desk of his. With a grunt, I pushed my hips into his own—and I was delighted to discover the obvious bulge in his pants.

_Holy shit, is this actually happening?! Is he actually getting turned on by this?! Shit, I don’t know if I can hang on for much longer. If he keeps this up—_

“On your knees.”

Everything happened so fast. I ripped off my facecloth, dragging it down to my chin, and whipped around to face him. The dark look in his gray eyes was all I needed to drop to my knees in front of him, my hands furiously tugging at the buckles of his belt. Within moments, the brown sash of his uniform was off and tossed to the floor beside me.

_Oh my fucking God, what am I doing?! Am I really about to give him a fucking blowjob?! I don’t have any experience—how will he react?! We haven’t even kissed yet! We haven’t even said “I love you” yet! Does he even love me like that? Do I love him like that?_

But I knew there was no backing down now. I was going to follow through with this, no matter how terrifying it seemed. We could figure out all the details later; right now, I just wanted him in my mouth.

My fingers were trembling as they fumbled with the straps on his thighs. The straps to our ODM gear were always a bitch to get off, even more so when you were desperate for some sexual relief. I bit my lip and tried to steady my hands, focusing on one strap at a time. All the while, I felt his gray eyes on me.

_Do I look at him? Does he want this? Does he want **me**? Or was he just teasing me? By the Walls, I’m too scared to look at him! What if he changes his mind about this—about me?! _

_What if he doesn’t want this after all? What if he doesn’t want me to do these things to him? What if he wants another girl entirely?! Ugh, the possibilities are endless!_

“Hey, look at me.”

He tilted my chin up with his forefinger, and I drew in a shaky breath. The lust was obvious in his eyes, but there was also something I couldn’t place my finger on. When he spoke to me, his voice was soft—it reminded me of the day he held me in his arms after my brother had been eaten by a Titan.

“You okay? You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

 _He’s offering me a way out._ Despite the obvious bulge straining against his pants, he was willing to back out if it meant making me comfortable. He could easily take advantage of the situation, but instead he was leaving the choice up to me.

But I knew what my answer was. I had waited too long for this. I wasn’t about to run away now.

“I want this, I’m sure. What about you?”

He bent down and pressed his forehead to mine, tracing my bottom lip with his thumb. “You know my answer already, sweetheart.”

With that, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine in a hot kiss. I wrapped my hands around the back of his head, slipping my fingers underneath that silly white cloth to play with his hair. The moment I felt his tongue against my lips, I opened up and allowed him inside.

_This is it. He’s finally kissing me, and a real one at that. It’s not some innocent peck on the cheek this time._

It was like a heavy weight had finally been lifted from my chest. After nearly three years of knowing him, of pining helplessly over him, I was practically swallowing his tongue. And he wasn’t shoving me away; if anything, he was pulling me closer, his fingertips digging into my shoulders.

But it wasn’t enough. I still wanted so much more from this man.

I pulled my mouth away from his, working my way down to the loose straps clinging to his thighs. Once they were down past his knees, I turned my attention to the button of his trousers. When he gave me a firm nod, I opened his pants and slid them down to his thighs.

Although his black boxers hid every bit of skin from my eyes, I still felt a nervous jolt when I saw the bulge. It was even more prominent up close, with only a thin layer of fabric separating me from it. My heart leapt in my throat as I tugged them down—and I heard him chuckle lightly as I gaped at the sight before me.

His cock brushed against the gray fabric of his shirt, pressing into his toned stomach. My mouth watered at its impressive length— _obviously not everything on him is short_ —and a fire exploded in the pit of my stomach as I traced my eyes over the thick vein on the underside. The tip was swollen and red, already shining with a small bead of silvery fluid. A patch of dark hair rested on the skin above his length, neatly trimmed and simply stunning. In short—no pun intended, I swear—he was absolutely beautiful.

_Wait, shit, don’t get carried away. I’ve never given anyone a blowjob in my entire life! What am I supposed to do?! Should I start sucking right away? Should I tease him a little bit more? What does he expect from me? What does he want me to do to him?_

I didn’t want him to find out about my complete lack of experience. Sure, he knew I was a virgin, but that was all he knew. Did he already assume I had given my fair share of blowjobs? Would he be turned off by the idea that this would be my very first one?

With a shaky breath, I forced myself to remember my conversation with Vivienne. She had insisted on starting with a handjob, and then letting it escalate into an actual blowjob. It wasn’t much, but at least it was something to start with.

But I couldn’t move my hands. They were trembling too much, pressing against the sides of his thighs. Every time I tried to peel them off, my grip would involuntarily tighten, and my breathing would only worsen. I was on the verge of hyperventilating, and the more I worried, the harder my heart pounded.

Suddenly, my chin was tilted upwards, held together by his thumb and forefinger once more. I chewed on my bottom lip as those gorgeous gray eyes stared into mine, still filled with warmth and lust…and something else I couldn’t place.

_Fuck, he knows something’s wrong. I’m going to have to tell him, aren’t I?_

“You don’t have to be so nervous, Mia.” The sound of my first name leaving those perfect lips soothed me just a bit. “If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to.”

“N-no, I want to.” There was no need to plant unnecessary thoughts in his head, not when we were already dealing with so much. “It’s just… Well, I didn’t expect you to be so…you know… _big_.”

He stifled a laugh, and every ounce of blood in my body rushed to my face. I mentally kicked myself, cursing myself for admitting such a childish thing out loud. But it was the truth—he _was_ bigger than I expected.

_All of that has to fit in my mouth? I don’t even think it can fit down there, if you know what I mean. How the hell am I going to pull this off if I can’t even get it in?_

“What, are you _intimidated_ by it?” He brushed my bangs out of my face with his free hand, his eyes never leaving my own. “Don’t be. It won’t bite, I promise.”

I knew I should have been angered at the fact he was trying to make light of such a serious situation, but his words really did seem to calm my nerves a bit. The longer I stared at his cock, the stronger my confidence grew. And when he took my hand in his and led me directly to it, I didn’t pull away.

He took in a sharp breath the second I cupped my hand around his shaft, his own hand raising and finding its way to my head. I kept my eyes on his skin, trailing my fingers up and down, exploring every inch of it I could reach. Every once in a while, it would twitch in my hand, and he would let out a husky groan that only made me wetter.

He was presenting such a rare and vulnerable side of himself to me, and he trusted me enough to hold something so incredibly intimate of his. The two of us were no strangers to seeing the other vulnerable and weak, but it was entirely different right now. As far as I knew, Levi had only been intimate with one other woman in his life, and she had passed away years prior. Still, he deemed me worthy enough to see him in this light, to see him for who he was and what he stood for. He trusted me to make him feel good, and to make him feel loved.

And I was going to fucking deliver on that.

I brought my fingers to the tip of his cock, wetting my lips in the process. The bead of fluid was still there, so I smeared it around the head with my thumb, earning a rather sexy groan from the man above me. His hand tightened against my head, his fingers threading themselves underneath the white cloth and into my reddish-brown hair. The light pain only encouraged me to continue.

_Start with a handjob. Ease into it, just like Vivienne told you._

It was easier said than done. The way he felt in my hand, hot and hard and heavy, it was tempting to get this over as fast as I could. But I knew he would savor it if I drew it out a little longer; at least, that’s how I would prefer it myself.

I began to move my hand up and down, keeping a moderate pace. My grip wasn’t too tight—I didn’t want to accidentally hurt him—but it was far from being gentle. His skin burned against my own, but I kept going. As I started to pick up the pace, I stole a glance up at his face.

His eyes were screwed shut, and his mouth was slightly agape. His breaths came out in soft puffs, little groans and grunts slipping through with each stroke. Eventually, he shifted himself and leaned against the desk, planting himself on top of it. In this position, he was completely at my mercy.

My left hand gripped his thigh as my right one continued moving up and down. With a deep breath, I leaned forward and slid my mouth over his cock, shutting my eyes in the process. A low moan reached my ears, sending shivers along my skin.

The whole sensation felt strange at first, but as I eased into it, I realized it wasn’t so bad. It was weird, having something so big and thick in my mouth all at once, but it was far from being the worst feeling I had experienced. Besides, the thing wasn’t even all the way in—I could only fit about half of it in my mouth without getting uncomfortable. I wrapped my hand around the rest, and once I was sure I could move without gagging, I began to bob my head at a steady pace.

As time went on, I found myself enjoying the feeling of his cock in my mouth. It was a little difficult to keep my teeth and tongue out of the way, but it was thrilling to have such an intimate part of him within my grasp. I couldn’t get over the fact he trusted me this much to let me do this to him. Honestly, that was a major turn-on in and of itself—the rest was just an added bonus, as far as I was concerned.

Suddenly, his hips jerked into my mouth, and I screwed my eyes shut on instinct. My heartbeat thrummed in my ears as his hands found their way around my head and into my hair. That familiar flame in my stomach started burning again as he took the lead, bringing me down on his cock at his own pace. All the while, his soft grunts and groans filled the empty office.

I opened my eyes and glanced up at his face, just in time to see him throw his head back. “That’s it, sweetheart.”

A bolt of arousal flooded my thighs at his husky voice; I was surprised I hadn’t completely soaked through my panties yet. While I loved the “kid” nickname he had given me a year before, this new “sweetheart” name of his was starting to grow on me.

“That’s it—good girl.” My eyes drifted shut once again, and my hand found its way to his other thigh as he brought me down harder. It was getting a bit difficult to breathe, but I could hold out for just a little longer. He was close, anyway—I could tell. “There you go… Use your tongue some more.”

My lips were practically numb at this point, but I did as he said. I swerved my tongue underneath his shaft and pressed against it, trailing up and over the swollen red tip. Drool was starting to leak out of the corners of my mouth, and by the way it easily slid in between my lips, I could only imagine his cock was absolutely drenched. But he paid no mind to it, so I mentally shrugged and carried on with my task. I breathed through my nose, allowing myself short puffs of air every once in a while.

Levi’s heavy panting was getting worse and worse—and so was his dirty talk. I could practically feel myself dripping as he continued, his mouth having absolutely no filter whatsoever.

“Fuck, you’re doing so well for me, sweetheart. You’re such a good girl… Oh, fuck—yeah, just like that, baby. Just like that…”

His pace was relentless as he practically forced his cock down my throat. I forced myself to hum, just to keep myself from gagging, but it only seemed to spur him on. His fingers pressed hard into my scalp as he brought me closer, pushing my face in between his thighs.

“Look up at me.”

My eyes flew open just in time to meet those silvery blue pools. His mouth hung open slightly, and a faint shade of red had settled over his cheeks. A few beads of sweat slid down the side of his face, and his overgrown black bangs were plastered to his forehead in a thin layer of sweat. His lips pulled up into a lazy smirk as he shoved himself further down my throat.

“There you go, sweetheart. Good girl…”

I relished at the new pet name—apparently, praise was one of the ways to win me over. My own face was burning, but I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted him to continue until he was spent—until he finished in my mouth.

“You want me to come in your mouth? Huh?” He was getting desperate as he neared his release—I could hear it in his voice. He pulled me closer to him, his cock twitching against my tongue. “You want me to come inside you?”

 _Yes, yes, a thousand times yes._ But I couldn’t speak.

He twisted his hands in my hair, tugging my head back slightly. “Answer me, sweetheart.”

I gazed up at him, and with the rest of my strength, I managed to nod my head. That was all it took to send him over the edge.

One, two, three powerful thrusts later, the most beautiful moan I had heard from him all day flew from his lips. His cock twitched one final time between my lips, and before I could even blink, a hot, salty liquid flooded the inside of my mouth.

I tried to swallow it, but it was too much too soon. I sputtered and pulled myself away from him, coughing violently into the sleeve of my shirt. My eyes watered, my throat tightened, and my face burned with shame.

“Oh, fuck!”

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as Levi hastily tucked himself back into his pants before dropping to the floor beside me. He placed one hand on my head, resting the other on my back and rubbing gentle circles on my skin. I wanted to smile, but I was still too busy coughing up white droplets.

I wasn’t disgusted with the sight—or taste—of his cum. In fact, it was fine, despite the salty taste and odd texture. But I didn’t have a problem with it. If anything, I had a problem with the way I had handled it. I had just given him a fucking blowjob, and I couldn’t even swallow a bit of semen? What the hell was wrong with me? I had suffered through worse than that—so why couldn’t I handle it?

Once I had eased up with coughing, Levi ruffled my hair through the white cloth on my head. I kept my eyes on the floor, too scared to look him in the eye. It seemed silly to act so shy now, especially after I had just sucked him off. But I couldn’t help it. I was terrified to see what he thought of me—especially after that little stunt I had just pulled.

“I’m sorry, Wolf.” His deep voice sent shivers down my spine. “I was too rough—I didn’t mean to make you sick like that.”

_Wait, what? He’s apologizing for that? But it’s my fault!_

“N-no, it’s okay! I mean… I was supposed to swallow—”

“Tch, don’t give me that shit, brat.” He cupped my cheek and brought my face to his, glaring at me with those stunning silver hues. “I couldn’t care less about that, as long as you’re okay. Don’t ever feel obligated to do something you don’t want to do.”

I nodded slowly, letting my eyes droop to the floor. Only now was I starting to feel the burn in my thighs and knees—not to mention the obvious patch of wetness between my thighs. Levi seemed to notice my sorry state, too, and he held out a hand and pulled me to my feet in two seconds flat.

“I’m…I’m okay, Levi.” I wiped my mouth with my sleeve before sending him a soft smile. “And…I enjoyed that. I-I hope you did, too.”

His face remained emotionless, but I could see the light in his eyes. Even if he didn’t want to admit it out loud, I could tell he felt the same way.

“Whatever, brat. I have to say, you did well. Not bad for your first time.”

My jaw dropped, and I winced as my muscles stretched too far. “Wait, how did you—?”

“It wasn’t that hard to piece together, you know.” A smirk found its way up to his face as he leaned back against the desk—the same desk he had just fucked my mouth on. “You looked like you were about to pass out when you first saw it. Besides, you’re a virgin. I figured just as much.”

The mention of my virginity brought a fresh wave of heat to my face. If things kept going like this between us, would I end up losing my virginity to him? It was entirely possible, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high. We had to take this one step at a time, if that was the case. We couldn’t rush each other into anything we could regret later.

But at the moment, I didn’t have any regrets about what had just happened. I was satisfied, content—and maybe even a little excited.

I leaned up to kiss him, but he held a firm hand against my chest. He raised his eyebrow in amusement as I stared at him, slack-jawed and wide-eyed. “Not yet, kid. Go brush your teeth. I’m not kissing you with that shit in your mouth.”

I should’ve felt offended at that comment, but I could only smile and laugh. “It’s all yours, Levi. It doesn’t taste that bad. Besides,” I added, reaching up and leaning in close to his ear, “I wouldn’t mind doing it again sometime.”

“Good.” He gave my hips a firm squeeze before turning me toward the direction of the bathroom, which could be seen through the open door of his bedroom. “Now get going. We still have to finish cleaning this damn office. _Someone_ decided to distract me, and look where we are now.”

I rolled my eyes and headed toward the bathroom—but before I could get too far, a warm weight closed over my wrist and pulled me back into his chest. I blushed for the billionth time today as he nuzzled my neck, pressing a soft kiss to the skin above my shoulder.

“Don’t think I haven’t forgotten about you, _sweetheart_.” My entire body tingled at the new name, and the memories it brought back. I swallowed hard as his teeth grazed the shell of my ear, his breath falling over my cheek. “You deserve something for being so good for me earlier. Tonight, it’s all about _you_.”

I sucked in a sharp breath as he nibbled on the shell of my ear, closing my eyes and savoring the warmth his body gave me. Suddenly, it seemed like nighttime couldn’t come fast enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has almost everything I could manage to squeeze into it: 20 pages of fluff, 6 pages of angst...and 10 pages of pure, shameless smut. Originally there was not meant to be a smut scene until maybe Ch. 46; at the "on your knees" line, Mia was supposed to just stand there in shock, and Levi was originally going to back off and continue to tease her. But she managed to surprise me, and it all fell into place from there. At first, I was worried this would be moving too fast for her, but then I considered the bond of trust she has with Levi. She knowingly teases him, and he responds to that accordingly. I don't think he expected her to be as daring as she was, but once he was sure it was what she wanted, he decided to continue. This is consensual for both of them; neither of them forces the other into anything they don't want to do. I feel like I have to clarify that, especially if either one of them comes off as a little aggressive or needy. (But I guess that's part of the experience, right?) 
> 
> This is my first time writing actual smut between two characters, so I apologize if it's lengthy. I wanted to get in as many details as I could, especially since it's their first time and all. I tried to keep Levi in character, but it's a little difficult (and a bit taboo, haha) to imagine how he would act during sex, since I don't have anything to go by except NSFW headcanons of other authors... Oh well, I'm sure I'll get better at it over time! 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think! Also, I have a Tumblr if any of you are interested! Feel free to follow me if you want to hear me blabber about writing, my job, or anything Levi-related. With that said, I'll see you for the next chapter! :)
> 
> Tumblr: [StarstruckKittenSweets](http://starstruckkittensweets.tumblr.com/)


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, loves! Sorry this chapter is a day late! I've been without power for a few days, thanks to the storm in my area, so I was unable to update yesterday. But now everything's fine, and we should be back on schedule! And thank you so much to everyone who's taken an interest in this story! It feels like it was just yesterday I was posting the first chapter. I love you all! :D
> 
> Just a note before you continue! Because I couldn't help myself, this chapter contains a bit of smut, as well. The usual warnings apply below! Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Smut Warnings: dirty talk, oral sex (male receiving), love bites, masturbation, etc.

|XLI|

The two of us finished cleaning just as the sun began to dip below the horizon. Once we had shoved the cleaning supplies back into the closet and threw those silly white cloths in the laundry basket near the bedroom door, Levi gave me a sideways look, his face as stoic as ever. Even though at least an hour had passed since then, I could still feel his cock resting in my mouth.

“I’ll meet you in the mess hall in a few minutes. I just need to shower.”

A part of me wished he would offer for me to join him, but I stopped myself before I could get too carried away. Despite what had just transpired between us a couple hours earlier, I was nervous at the possibility of him seeing me naked. I thought of the scars on my body, of the constant burns left from the straps of my ODM gear, and I inwardly cringed. I was willing to be intimate with him, but maybe I wasn’t ready to go that far with him just yet.

“O-okay…” I twisted my fingers around each other, keeping my eyes on the floor. “I’ll…I’ll see you there!”

Before he could answer, I raced out of the room and into the hall. When I heard the door shut behind me, I let out a shaky breath, my hands trembling at my sides.

I didn’t regret what had happened between me and Levi. If it was up to me, I would do it again in a heartbeat. There was just something about seeing him in such a vulnerable state that made me excited. I couldn’t believe _I_ had been the one to make him feel that good— _I_ was the one who had made him moan like that. It was because of me (and my mouth) that he had been able to achieve some sort of pleasure from such an unspeakable act.

But as I walked back to my office, my mind began to wander. Had the whole incident been a fluke? Did he only mean for it to be a one-time thing, with no strings attached? Was he only planning on using me for a quick fuck, as I had worried about so many months prior?

I shook my head, recalling his earlier words. He wouldn’t treat me like some common whore from the Underground. He cared about me, he had told me himself. Even though he didn’t know what his feelings for me were, I still mattered to him. I didn’t really have anything to worry about when it came to being tossed aside.

But at the same time, the alternative made my skin crawl. Did he expect this little fling between us to continue? Did he expect me to surrender myself to him, just as he had done to me? Was it just going to be sex between us, or was he considering an emotional thing between us, as well? If he expected sex, did that mean he wanted to be the first to touch me as a virgin?

That thought in particular nearly knocked the air out of my lungs. As I reached my office, I slammed the door behind me and slid down the dark wood, cradling my head in my hands.

_What’s wrong with me? Just a few hours earlier I was saying how I wouldn’t mind if Levi was the first—and only—man I would have sex with. But now I’m having second thoughts? Nothing’s changed between us, right? I still care for him…_

But I was only lying to myself. Everything had changed between us, and in less than a day, at that. All of those confident thoughts about my virginity had been made earlier— _before_ I had sucked him off. Now, everything was just that much more confusing.

_Do I even love him? I know I adore him and I want to keep him safe, but am I willing to admit that I love him? What if he doesn’t love me back? He isn’t the kind of person to throw that term around lightly, so I doubt I’ll ever hear him say it back. How would he react if I managed to tell him I love him?_

And the concept of sex opened up a whole other can of worms for me to deal with. Now that the afterglow was gone, I began to question it with a sensible mind. At the time, it seemed like nothing could touch us. But now, I couldn’t stop thinking about the endless possibilities that could come of it.

I knew my body wasn’t perfect, not by a long shot. Leyna had inherited all the genes and traits that made her attractive: her gorgeous blond hair, her bright blue eyes, her perfect nails and snow white skin—the list went on and on. I wasn’t ugly, but I wasn’t on her level of beauty, either. But as I grew up, that didn’t really affect me that much. I was training to become a soldier, not a noblewoman preparing for an arranged marriage. So what if I couldn’t turn heads or elicit wolf whistles from the men I passed on the streets? I had dedicated my heart to humanity, not some random man within the Walls. And for the longest time, I had accepted and lived with that fact.

Ever since Levi entered my life, however, I began to pick at the many imperfections that littered my body. My breasts were quite small for a girl my age, and although they were perfect for exercising and using ODM gear, they did next to nothing when it came to attracting guys. My shoulders and the top of my chest were red and raw from the straps of the gear. My back was littered with white slashes from my cadet days. My thighs and legs had multiple bruises—some red, some yellow—from the countless expeditions I had accompanied the Scouts on. I knew no man in their right mind would ever find a body like mine attractive. There were just too many marks to ignore.

When I was naked, even if I was just getting in the shower or going for a swim, I always felt vulnerable. I always had to look over my shoulder, to make sure no one was watching me. I was like a fucking mouse, trembling and waiting to be pounced on by an invisible predator.

Was I willing to let him see that side of me? Was I willing to be that exposed in front of him? What if he didn’t like the way my body looked? What if he thought I had too many scars or bruises? What if he preferred women with fuller breasts? What if he didn’t like the way I carried myself or viewed my scars? I wasn’t ashamed of them, but I wasn’t about to fool myself into thinking any possible lovers wouldn’t have a problem with them.

With a gulp, I remembered his words from earlier, right before I had gone to brush my teeth: _“Tonight, it’s all about you.”_ What could he have possibly planned for me? Did he expect me to go all the way with him tonight? How would he treat me? Would he be as soft and gentle as he had been when we first started, guiding my hand to his hips?

_Fuck, I don’t know anymore. All I hope is that our friendship isn’t totally ruined by this whole mess._

With a sigh, I forced myself to straighten up and walk into the bathroom. I needed a shower, anyway. If I was going to meet up with Levi later, there was no way in hell I’d be dirty for him.

|~|

There was a sense of uneasiness between me and the black-haired Scout at the Squad Leaders’ table in the mess hall. While Hanji continued to blabber on to Mike and Ness about her latest Titan capture proposal—Erwin was spared the torture, since he had left for his office a few minutes prior—Levi and I sat across from each other, nervously avoiding eye contact with each other.

My bespectacled friend had finally managed to convince us to leave our “boring” table by the window and sit with the other Squad Leaders in the center of the hall. By this time, I had grown comfortable enough to hold a proper conversation with them. But it was times like this where I wished we were still by ourselves, out of sight from everybody.

What was I supposed to say to him? How was I supposed to speak to him without remembering how his skin had felt against mine or the moans that had left his lips? Hell, I couldn’t even _eat_ properly with him right across from me! With every bite of my food, I couldn’t help remembering how his cock had felt between my lips.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, the two veteran Squad Leaders rose from the table and left. They insisted that Erwin needed to meet with them later on in the night, but from the looks on their faces, I’d say they were just eager to get away from Hanji and her rambling. But the brunette took no notice of this and smiled as they left, and before I could even blink, the three of us were left alone.

_Fucking unbelievable._

“Anyway, that’s enough about me. How are you guys? How have you two been spending your day?”

_Oh, you know, the usual: training, cleaning, paperwork, you get the idea. Oh, and I also gave Levi head in his office. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind doing it again._

“W-well…” I cleared my throat and started again, not missing the look Levi threw my way. “Not much, really…”

Levi glared at her from over the rim of his tea cup. “I’ve been teaching her how to properly clean. Stupid brat can’t do it to save her life.”

My cheeks burned at his condescending tone. _I don’t remember you being so disappointed when I “cleaned” your cock for you—_

“Ooh, sounds like _fun_. You sure do know how to keep a girl interested, Shorty.”

_You have no idea, Hanji._

This conversation was already getting too close for comfort; I knew it wouldn’t be long before I lost control of my blushing face. And when I did, Hanji would know _exactly_ what was going on between us. I didn’t want her—or anyone, for that matter—to find out what had gone down in that office between me and the captain. Hell, I didn’t even know what was going on!

I shoved the last piece of bread in my mouth before shooting up from the table. I mumbled something about getting some paperwork done before discarding my tray on the counter in the back. A few moments later, I was racing toward my office, praying that neither Levi nor Hanji would decide to follow me.

As soon as I was inside, with the door latched shut, I flopped down into the chair behind my desk, staring at the papers in front of me. I tried to read over them and fill them out, but the words kept swimming on the page. Every time I tried to write, my mind would wander back to my time in Levi’s office, and eventually, I threw the pen down with a huff and held my head in my hands on the desk.

What was I thinking? Why did I even let it go that far? Why didn’t he try to stop me—or why didn’t I try to stop him? Why didn’t I just stop for a moment and _think_ about the consequences? Why didn’t I try to use my head, like Leyna and Ben always used to say to me?

But no. Instead, I had to act on instinct and lust and passion, and now I was trapped in this fucking mess. And I had no idea how to get myself out of it.

_It’s not like I wish it hadn’t happened. I’m glad it did…but I just don’t want him to start seeing me as someone he can go to for a bit of relief every now and then. I mean, we’re still friends, right? I don’t want to sacrifice our friendship for a bit of fucking every now and again. I don’t mind having the physical side…but I want the emotional side, as well._

I didn’t want just sex from him. I wanted him to trust me and confide his troubles and worries to me. I wanted him to wrap me up in his arms at night and let me sleep on his chest. I wanted him to lay his head in my lap so I could play with his hair and hum to him. I wanted to tell him every little thing I could about my life before I met him—about my family, my cadet days, my dreams as a young girl—and I wanted him to do the same to me. I wanted to know every detail I could about his old life in the Underground City, back when he still lived with his mother, and when he lived with Furlan and Isabel. I wanted him to see me as someone he would be willing to spend the rest of his life with.

_Oh, just come clean already, Wolf. Admit it: you want him to tell you he loves you._

The word _love_ terrified me, even after all these years. I had only ever said it to one other guy, and he was currently on the third floor of this castle, writing up reports for the royal assembly. I was used to saying it to my parents or my siblings, or even Hanji. But saying it to a potential lover still scared me, especially if it happened to be Levi.

_What if he doesn’t love me back? What if he doesn’t see me that way? What if he’s not ready to admit something like that? What if he just—_

I nearly jumped out of my own skin at the sudden knock at the door. I knew it was locked, so I didn’t have to worry about anyone barging in. But that didn’t do much to quell my nerves as I stood up and made my way to the door.

“Y-yeah?”

“Mia? It’s me. Can I come in?”

My heart leapt in my throat at Jax’s cheery voice. My skin crawled as I reached up and held my hand against the latch, pressing it into the wood. Even though it was locked, I didn’t trust him not to try and break it down.

I was already a mess—I didn’t need him stressing me out even more!

“N-no… I’m b-busy at the moment.” I cursed at myself for stuttering at every other word. I couldn’t let him see me in such a weak state. “W-what do you want, anyway?”

“Nothing much.” He spoke so freely, as if he wasn’t speaking to the girl he had tried to rape over a decade ago. “I just wanted to drop off some papers. The assembly wants to know every little detail about the Scouts and their Squad Leaders, you know.”

_Is he fucking serious? How can he act so calm about all this? Doesn’t he remember anything at all about that night? Why is he acting like it never happened?_

I closed my hand over my mouth and squeezed my eyes shut. My head was swimming with all sorts of profanities and insults and curses I wanted to scream at him—but I couldn’t find my voice. Every time I opened my mouth, the words would die right there on my tongue. I never had trouble letting people know exactly what I thought of them, so what was the problem now?

“…Just leave already, Jax. I don’t want to talk to you.”

I knew it was futile to hope he would take the hint and fuck off, so I shouldn’t have felt so miserable when I didn’t hear footsteps outside my door. He was still there, waiting to pounce. For how long, I had no way of knowing.

“Come on, Mia.” I heard him take a deep breath, and the fifteen-year-old version of me recalled how he used to run his hands through his hair when he was stressed. “Why won’t you just talk to me? Come on, we’re both adults here. Can’t we just _talk_ like adults?”

The prickling sensation underneath my skin was almost too much to handle. For a split second, I wanted to open the door and strangle him. But I knew I would only be playing into his hands. He would easily overpower me and barge right into my office, and the rest would be history. I wasn’t about to put myself in that situation.

But at the same time, I couldn’t just sit there and take it. I had to fight back one way or another.

“H-how can you say that?!” I swallowed the lump in my throat, still holding my hand against the latch. “Do you even _remember_ what you…what you…?”

_What you tried to do to me that night._

“What do you mean, Mia?” An icy claw raked itself down my spine at his malicious tone. My hands began to tremble as he continued, his voice dripping with venom. “What _did_ I do? Come on, you can say it out loud.”

But I couldn’t, and he knew it. Even after all these years, he still knew me all too well. If I wasn’t able to admit what had happened that night out loud, there was no way I could prove it had even taken place. If I couldn’t open my mouth and put it out there, he would deem himself innocent and walk away unfazed.

_Come on, just say it. You said it to Levi. Why can’t you say it to him?_

“…You—you tried to—” 

“Hm? What did I _try_ to do, sweetheart?” My stomach churned violently at the pet name. Only a few hours earlier, it had sounded so beautiful coming from Levi’s lips. Now, I wanted to curl up and die right there on the spot. “Say it out loud. _What did I do?_ ”

What kind of sick pleasure did he get out of torturing me like this? Why did he insist on playing this little game? Did he really have no remorse for his actions, even almost eleven years later? Did he still think he was in the right, even after everything that had happened between us?!

_You tried to rape me._

I squeaked in pain, tearing my hands from the latch on the door. My wrists still burned from where he had grabbed me and pinned me down. I squeezed my eyes shut, gripping the sides of my head. I could still hear Jax’s voice through the door, but I couldn’t make out his words.

_You tried to rape me._

I still felt the covers of the bed pushing against my back and his weight resting on my chest. My throat filled with bile at the memory of his hands darting between my legs, eager to take what wasn’t his.

_You tried to—_

“Oh, captain! I didn’t expect to see you out here at this time of night…”

Through the blood pounding in my ears, I managed to hear Jax’s nervous chuckle from outside the room. I held my breath, clinging to the last bit of hope that remained in my chest. My teeth found their way around my bottom lip as I waited for my savior to speak.

_Please, let it be him._

“I could say the same to you.” A shaky breath left my lips at Levi’s sudden voice. I was safe, as long as he was here. Jax wouldn’t hurt me as long as Levi was nearby. “Captain Wolf has had a long day; she doesn’t need you up her ass, bothering her with all that government shit.”

Jax cleared his throat, and I heard the soft rustling of papers. _Huh, I guess he wasn’t lying when he said he had paperwork for me_. Still, I wasn’t going to open the door until I was certain it was safe.

“Oh, don’t mind me, I’d never dream of bothering her. I just wanted to drop off these papers, and I was hoping—”

He cut himself off with his own gasp. From the sharp crinkling of papers, I could only assume Levi had snatched them out of his hands.

“I’ll make sure she gets them. Now, it’s getting late. Why don’t you head back for the night?”

There was no mistaking the hardness in Levi’s voice. For his sake, I prayed that Jax would take the hint and scurry off into the night. Who knew what Levi would do to him if he stayed out here for much longer?

There was a single knock at the door. Only when I heard Levi say, “It’s me, Wolf” did I unlatch the hook and open the door. I kept my eyes on the floor, only daring to peek at the tips of Jax’s shoes outside in the hallway.

Before I could blink, the door was shut again, and Levi was safely inside. He slid the lock back into place before unceremoniously tossing the thin stack of papers on my desk. A second later, his hands were curled around my shoulders, and he was staring at me with that gorgeous silver gaze.

“He didn’t say anything to you, did he?”

I shook my head, but by the frown on his face, I could tell he knew I was lying. But what was I supposed to say? I didn’t want to burden him with any of my other problems, especially with the mess we were currently in. My best bet would be to put it aside and deal with it later on my own.

_Yeah, because that always works out for you in the end._

“I’m okay. He was just asking me about a few things. Paperwork and all that…”

I was a terrible liar, and we both knew it, but I was thankful he dropped the subject after that. I took in a deep breath before heading over to the couch, where my father’s journal rested on the coffee table in front of it. I hadn’t read from it in quite a few days, and I was still barely a quarter of the way through. With everything that had been going on in the past few months, I barely had any time to sit down and read.

“…Thanks for taking those papers from him. I guess I should start on them as soon as I can…”

“Tch, the damn paperwork can wait, brat. You look like you’re going to pass out at any minute.”

He sent me a fierce glare before heading over to the far side of the office and toward the small fireplace. Over the rest of the winter months, the Squad Leaders were gifted with little fireplace pits to keep their rooms warm. I only used mine for myself every once in a while; it only ever got used when I decided to make tea—and judging by the way Levi was shifting through the pots and cups on the table beside it, I could only assume that was his intention.

As he busied himself with the tea, I kicked off my boots and pulled my knees up to my chest on the sofa. I wanted to talk to him, but I didn’t know what to say. I still had no idea how to address our earlier incident in his office.

_Is this going to become a regular thing between us? Is he interested in hooking up every once in a while, like what we did earlier? Am I up for something like that, especially with the state I’m in? I mean, I can’t even talk to Jax without fucking up! How the hell am I supposed to have sex with Levi?!_

_Shit, I wonder if he regrets doing that with me… Maybe I read the signs wrong. Maybe everything he said was just in the heat of the moment, and he didn’t really mean any of it. Am I supposed to take him seriously or just brush him off?_

I reached up to the necklace at my throat and cradled the little wolf charm between my thumb and forefinger, smiling just a bit as I remembered the simpler days in Shiganshina, when all I had to worry about was running faster than my brother and sister whenever we raced around our little home. I remembered the stories Dad would tell me about his days in the Survey Corps as a young cadet and the countless Titans he slayed during his time beyond the Walls. I remembered Ma’s sweet smile and her delicious cooking, and the fact that, no matter how much Leyna and I begged her to teach us how to make her famous recipes, she would always shake her head and insist she would do so when we were older.

I remembered Leyna, and the way she would sew the many tears I would accidentally get on my dresses and skirts. She would only shake her head and sigh before making me sit at the kitchen table, working that tiny needle in the same way our mother taught us. Even back then, with her twin braids and bright pink outfits, she was the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on.

I remembered Ben and the many times he helped me with my schoolwork, especially when I started falling behind in math. When we grew older, and he grew taller, he started seeing me as less of a fellow triplet and more of a younger sister. That’s when he started giving me bear hugs and ruffling up my hair. But it never got on my nerves; I knew he did all those things out of love.

“Brat, you still there?”

I nearly jumped at the baritone voice and glanced up at the man before me. He was holding out a fresh cup of tea, gripping it by the rim instead of the handle. Even though I knew to expect it at this point, the little action still made me smile.

“O-oh, thanks…”

I took the cup from him and sipped at it immediately, not even caring whether or not I burned my tongue. As the rich liquid slid down my throat, I found myself craving more and more. No matter his faults, Levi always knew how to make a damn good cup of tea.

He took a seat next to me on the sofa, leaving only a bit of space between us. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him sip at his own cup before placing it on the table, right next to Dad’s old journal. I kept my own cup in my hands, savoring the warmth it brought me.

The two of us sat in silence for a few moments, with only the sound of our breathing filling the air. Eventually, I placed my feet back on the floor, bouncing my leg up and down. I knew it was ridiculous to act so shy around Levi, especially after the two of us had gotten so up close and personal with each other just a few hours ago, but I couldn’t help it. I had no idea what to expect at this point, and it was starting to scare me.

“What’s wrong?”

When I raised an eyebrow at him, trying to play off my nerves, he motioned to my bouncing knee. With a huff, I forced it to stay still—but now my fingers were tapping against the cup. When he realized this, he let out a heavy sigh.

“Is it that bastard again? If he said anything—”

“N-no, it’s not him, I swear.” There was no need for him to be _extra_ angry with Jax at the moment, and as much as I entertained myself with the fantasy of Levi going after him, I knew it would only do us more harm than good in the end.

Another deafening silence overtook the air between us. Neither of us were social butterflies, which only made this more awkward. Perhaps if we had someone else to break the silence for us—like maybe Hanji or Leyna, or even Erwin, as embarrassing as it was—maybe we wouldn’t be so fucking hopeless with each other.

“Is it…is it about what happened earlier, Wolf?”

I kept my eyes on the tea in my cup, watching the dark brown liquid swirl in the center. I still couldn’t find my voice, so I only nodded.

_There, it’s out there. All I can do is hope he doesn’t take it the wrong way._

Suddenly, he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, tangling his hands in his black hair. Now that his eyes weren’t on me, it was easier to look at him and watch his every move.

“Shit, I’m…I’m sorry about that, Mia. I shouldn’t have pushed you into something like that so soon. I should have kept myself in check and—”

The rest of his thought died on his tongue as I reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. He still kept his eyes on his lap, but by the way he leaned into my touch, I knew he was paying attention.

“I’m not mad about that… In fact, I…” _Out with it already, Wolf!_ “…I _liked_ it.” I gripped my tea cup so hard I thought it would shatter right there in my palm. “You didn’t force me into anything, if that’s what you’re worried about. If I didn’t want to do it, I would have said something.”

Besides, even if I did feel uncomfortable with it, I knew Levi would have stopped the moment I asked him to. He was considerate and caring, as much as he tried to deny it. If he knew something was really making me nervous or scared, he would do everything in his power to stop it and help me through it. I trusted him with my life at this point, and I knew he would never go down the same dark route Jax had taken.

“It’s just… Now, I don’t know where we are.” My throat tightened, but I forced myself to continue. “…Do you want something like that with me? Or was it just a one-time thing? Is it worth it? Are you even _interested_ in…having a relationship like that?”

I didn’t know what I would do if he told me he wasn’t interested in maintaining a real relationship with me. I had managed to ease those doubts of his back in Utopia District a few weeks ago, but that didn’t mean they were gone for good. What if this continued between us, and one of us got hurt? What if either of us died? What if I accidentally became pregnant?

I didn’t want to end up like Anna and sacrifice my life as a soldier for a baby. As much as I wanted children of my own someday, I knew that my heart belonged to humanity first and foremost. Only when the Titans had been eradicated from this world could I allow myself to think about starting a family of my own.

Did Levi feel the same way? Was he so committed to wiping out the Titans and helping Erwin achieve his goals that he thought anything else was unnecessary? Was he willing to sacrifice our relationship for something like that? Did he hold the same fears I held—about the possibility of bringing children into this hellish world?

_Am I really going to have to choose between my dedication to humanity and my affection for Levi?_

My chest tightened as he lifted his head, those sad silver eyes burning into my own. With his sunken face, tense shoulders, and tousled black hair, I had never seen him look so ashamed of himself. Did he really think he was the one at fault here? Did he really believe he had forced me into something I didn’t want to do? If he had, I wouldn’t even be talking to him right now! Why couldn’t he get that through his thick skull?!

“I don’t want you to feel obliged to do anything you don’t want to do. You don’t have to worry about me, I can deal with my own problems myself. Don’t offer something like that just to make me feel better.”

“But…” My eyes grew warm with tears, but I did my best to hold them back. I didn’t want to cry in front of him _again_. “I…I _want_ to have that…”

The intensity of his gaze was starting to become too much, so I stared into my lap instead, clutching the tea cup with both hands. As I continued to talk, I could feel my neck and face flood with heat.

“When we were in your office earlier…I _liked_ seeing that side of you. I liked kissing you, and I liked being able to make you feel good.” _And I loved having you inside of my mouth._ “…I know it sounds weird, but you…you made me feel like I _mattered_. And I don’t want to ever forget that feeling.”

I knew it only made sense to me, but it was the truth. Despite the submissive position I had been in, I still felt powerful. I still felt safe and in control, and I knew it was because of me and my actions that Levi was able to feel some sort of pleasure. Even though he had treated me a bit roughly, he still made me feel special. Apart from his deceased lover from the Underground City, whose name I didn’t even know, I was the only other woman he trusted to be intimate with. Besides, I didn’t really have a problem with being treated a little roughly during sex—that was all part of the experience, right? I knew he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me.

“Listen, you don’t have to give me an answer if you don’t want to. I know you probably don’t feel the same way—”

Suddenly, his fingers brushed against my cheek, tracing the white scar on my skin. I didn’t fight back when he cupped my chin and tilted my head to face him. I didn’t even move an inch when he took the tea cup out of my hands and placed it on the coffee table next to his. I simply stared at him, waiting for him to speak.

But he didn’t say anything. Instead, he placed his other hand on the back of my neck, pulling me closer to him—so close that our noses were touching. I could feel my eyes flutter shut as he brought my lips to his in a soft kiss.

I didn’t waste a second. I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair, bringing him as close as I could. His hands left my head for my waist, and before I knew it, I was resting on his lap, still kissing that perfect mouth of his.

It was much different than our kiss from before, but I wasn’t complaining. His lips were chapped but gentle, and he held me so carefully in his lap. His warm hands were a comforting weight on my lower back; when he pulled me closer, I found myself smiling like an idiot. His black locks were thick and silky, easily slipping between my fingers.

He wasn’t hurting me in any way, nor was he being controlling or dominating. He was mindful wherever he let his hands wander, making sure I didn’t accidentally slide off his lap and onto the floor. The longer I stayed in his arms, the more my chest began to ache. He handled me like I was something _precious_.

I almost whined when he pulled away from me, but I bit my tongue before it could escape. There was no doubt in my mind he would tease me about it, if he happened to hear something like that. No need to give him something else to hold over me.

“Mia,” he whispered in the softest voice I’d ever heard from him, “don’t _ever_ suggest that I don’t feel the same way about you. You’re one of the few things in my life that make this whole fucking world worth living in. You give me a reason to fight, and at the end of the day, seeing your smile makes it all worth it.”

At this point, I couldn’t hold back the smile on my face. This was as close to a real confession as I was ever going to get out of this man, but it was more than enough for me. But before I could say anything, he pressed a finger to my lips and continued to speak. Maybe it was the dim lighting in the room, but the shadow of blue in his eyes was stronger than ever.

“I want to live a life with no regrets. And if I keep myself from this—from _you_ …” He squeezed his eyes shut, bowing his head slightly. “I don’t want to leave this world wondering how things would’ve ended up if I kept my mouth shut. I want this, Mia—I want _you_. And I can’t hold myself back anymore.”

Before he could say anything else, I pressed my hands on either side of his face and pulled him in for another kiss. This time, I ran my tongue along his lips, humming when he opened his mouth and allowed me inside. I wrapped my hands around the back of his neck, and when we finally broke apart, I was pleased to see a faint tinge of red on his cheeks.

“I don’t want you to hold yourself back. I want you, too. I know it won’t be easy, but I’m willing to risk it if you are.”

His breath was hot and moist against my swollen lips. “Okay.” He pressed a sweet kiss to my forehead before moving back down to my lips.

It didn’t take long for the kiss to become heated. I gripped his hair and pressed myself into his chest, earning a soft grunt from him. I made sure to breathe through my nose, to make sure I didn’t have to pull away from him.

Without thinking, I bucked my hips into his. A low growl spilled from his lips as he brought me down into his lap again, grinding my lower half into his. A triumphant smirk made its way to my mouth when I felt that familiar bulge in his pants—and my thighs began to tremble at the thought of having his cock in my mouth again so soon.

“You’re such a fucking brat,” he growled against the shell of my ear as I brought my hips into his. “You want this? You think you’re getting this cock again?”

A needy whine filled the air. For a brief moment, I wondered if my parents—and my brother and sister—would be ashamed of me upon seeing me act like this.

His chest rumbled with another chuckle—but this one sounded darker than usual. I sucked in a deep breath as he scooped me up and placed me back on the couch, my back pressed against the cushions. My head fell back against the pillows near the arm as he crawled over to me, his body hovering over mine.

“Too bad. You had your chance earlier. Now it’s _my_ turn.”

His hand traveled around my waist and rested on my stomach, cutting off any remark I could have made. Instead of moving up to my breasts like I thought he would, he trailed down to the front of my waist and closer to my thighs. His fingers prodded at the button at the seam, toying with the zipper below it.

“I told you, tonight’s all about _you_ , sweetheart.”

In a flash, he dipped his fingers below the waistline of my pants. I gasped as his hand fluttered against the fabric of my panties, teasing the area just above my clit. The taste of blood washed over my tongue; I hadn’t even noticed I had bitten my lip.

_He wants to see me for real this time. He wants to pay me back for what I did for him earlier. Is he serious about all this? Is he willing to actually do this to me?_

_Am **I** willing to let him do this? _

“W-wait!” 

He yanked his hand away at once, and when I looked into his eyes again, a wave of guilt washed over me. He looked so fucking depressed, you would think he had actually hurt me.

“I-I’m sorry,” I muttered, burying my face in my hands. “It’s just—”

_For fuck’s sake, what is wrong with me?! Why am I getting so nervous all of a sudden?!_

But when I peeked at him from between my fingers, he didn’t seem angry or frustrated in the slightest. He brushed my hair to the side, tracing his hand along my cheek. He reached up and kissed my forehead, and when he spoke, his lips brushed against the skin of my temple.

“We don’t have to rush things if you don’t want to. I don’t want you to be scared of me.”

Despite my nervous state, I had to stifle a laugh at that. “I could never be scared of you, Levi.” But in all honesty, I was grateful for his concern. At least I could wait until I felt a little more comfortable to indulge in some more intimacy with him.

I had no problem with the thought of pleasuring him. If he asked right now for me to go down on him, I would do so without hesitation. It was the least I could do for all he had done for me in the past. Besides, it was exciting to know I was the only one who could bring him to his knees.

But when it came to my own pleasure? I was fucking terrified. Even though I trusted him with everything I had, I still wasn’t ready for him to see me in such a vulnerable state. Although I had thought about it multiple times before, I wasn’t ready for him to see me naked just yet.

“Can we…just wait a little bit? I-I don’t have a problem with it, and I’m glad you w-want to do that with me, but…” I swallowed hard, still hiding behind my sweaty hands. “…I don’t think I’m ready for that…”

_Wow, what a fucking asshole you are, Wolf. He lets you see the most intimate parts of him, and you won’t even return the favor? Are you fucking insane?! I’ll be surprised if he stays with you after he hears that._

But I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to scare him or make him nervous if I suddenly burst into tears during sex or something. I didn’t trust myself enough to keep it together, as much as I wanted to.

_Why am I like this? Why am I so scared? I trust him completely, so why am I still terrified?_

But deep down, I knew the answer to that question. My attitude about myself and my body in relation to sex was a product of Jax’s influence on me. Ever since the night of our graduation ceremony, I started to distance myself from the idea of sex and intimacy in general. Now that I finally had a chance to explore it with someone I truly cared about—someone who was determined to keep me safe no matter what—I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was still so scared, and even though I knew Levi was nothing like Jax, I couldn’t help but see his face whenever he reached out to touch me.

It all came back to Jax, just like everything else in my life. Even when I could admit to what he had tried to do to me, and even though I knew he couldn’t hurt me anymore, he still had control over my life.

And I was fucking sick of it.

There was a gentle tug at my wrists, and a moment later, I was staring into those gorgeous gray eyes. He reached over and cupped my face in his hands, holding himself up by his knees on either side of me, and dragging his thumb across the scar on my cheek. Judging by the gentle way he was holding me, and the beautiful blue light in his eyes, he seemed to understand.

“We can wait for as long as you want, Mia.”

I knew he was probably thinking about Jax himself—and suspecting him as the reason for my behavior—but he said nothing. I was grateful for that; I didn’t want to be reminded of that bastard any more than I already was.

I nodded slowly, pressing my face deeper into his hands. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. His body was comforting on top of mine, his skin warm and his chest pressed against my own. He nestled his face into the crook of my neck, and as my fingers played aimlessly with his black hair, I found myself smiling.

I could feel his strong heartbeat thrumming against the skin of my chest, even with the fabric of our shirts between us.

_I love you._

My eyes shot open as the sudden thought splashed across my mind. I had no idea why I was suddenly thinking of something like that, or what had brought it on in the first place, but I had admitted it. Even if it hadn’t been out loud, I had said it to myself, and there was still an incredible amount of weight to those words.

_I love him. I don’t know when I started to feel like this, but I love him. Should I say it out loud? Wait, no, don’t do it. It’s too soon. Besides, it’ll just ruin the moment._

As I repeated the words over and over in my mind, my smile only grew wider. I leaned down and kissed the side of his neck, his skin still hot against mine.

_I love you._

“…Hey, Levi?”

I could feel his chest rumble as he sighed. “What is it now, brat?”

 _At least his attitude hasn’t changed much because of this._ “…Can you do something for me?”

“Depends on what it is.”

_Oh, I think you’ll like this, captain._

“…Can you give me a few more of those marks—I mean, those bites? …You know, like the one you gave me in my office a few months ago?”

It was a question that had been on my tongue ever since he had given me my first one. Of course, I had been too scared to ask him for more, especially after our fight before that horrid winter expedition. But now there wasn’t anything holding us back. All I could do at this point was ask him and hear his answer.

I could feel his face scrunch up into a frown against my neck, but before he could say anything, I quickly added something else: “If you do, I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”

The bulge in his pants was still pressing against my thigh. Even in all the confusion a few seconds ago, it hadn’t gone away. While a part of me was a little intimidated at that, a larger part was absolutely thrilled. If he complied with my little request, I would do anything he asked of me.

He groaned again, his breath pooling over my neck. “Mind telling me _why_ you would want more of those things?”

My face flushed at his words, but I forced myself to answer him anyway. “Well…isn’t that how you…you know, mark something as yours? I-I mean, a lot of people do it, it’s just a way to mark…something that belongs to you…”

_What the fuck am I even saying? Can you sound more pathetic than you already do, Wolf?_

Levi raised his head from my neck, and my throat tightened once I saw the dark glint in those beautiful eyes of his. He placed one hand in my hair, pulling on it gently and craning my neck to the side. Meanwhile, he busied his other hand with the first few buttons of my shirt, exposing my throat and collarbone. I drew in another sharp breath as the cool air hit my skin, in perfect contrast to his hot breath.

“Is that why you want it so bad?” My entire body was trembling at the sound of his deep voice. “You want me to mark you up?” He lowered himself to my neck, and I whimpered when his lips ghosted over my skin. “You want me to claim you as mine, is that right?”

“Y-yes…” _By the Walls, don’t I have any shame left? Why am I enjoying this so much?_

His fingers tightened their grip in my hair, and I let out a startled squeak. “I want to hear you say it.”

I could feel his hard length against my thigh, still straining against his pants. Before I could stop myself, I pushed my leg up and into his crotch, earning myself another growl from him. He tilted my neck further back, his lips brushing against the shell of my ear.

“Say it, brat. Who do you belong to?”

I was starting to get wet—and if he kept this up, I was certain I would soak through my panties, just like I had earlier in his office. For a split second, I wished I wasn’t such a fucking coward when it came to sex and intimacy, just so I could feel some relief.

_What I wouldn’t give to have him inside of me…_

But I knew I would just freeze up and cause him to worry, and then the mood would be ruined entirely. I could always tend to my own needs later—and maybe even with an audience, if he was into that.

“Y-you, Levi.” I was panting hard at this point, and my clit practically burned, begging to be touched. Through the haze my mind had become, I contemplated sneaking a hand down between our bodies to relieve myself, but I didn’t know how he would react to that. “I…I belong to you— _only_ you—”

A strangled moan filled the air as he pressed his lips to my neck, biting and sucking at every inch of skin he could reach. With every stroke of his tongue, I pushed my knee up against his clothed cock, creating as much friction as I could. But I knew I couldn’t keep it up for too long. If he continued to do this, I would become nothing more than a quivering mess beneath him.

“You’re fucking right,” he mumbled, dragging his mouth to my collarbone. He nipped the left side—the same spot he had left my first love bite in. “You belong to me, brat. No one else.” I gasped as he gave a particularly sharp bite to the area just above my left breast. “No one else gets to see you like this, understand?”

 _Fuck, why does everything he says have to be so sexy?!_ “Y-yes, captain.”

At the sound of his title, he bucked his hips into my thigh rather painfully. But I didn’t care. I couldn’t even think straight at the moment. All I could focus on was the ache between my thighs and the bites he left on my skin.

“Say it again.”

“C-captain, I…I’m yours.”

He shifted to the right side of my collarbone, giving it the same treatment as the other one. I buried my fingers in his hair, fisting the silky black locks and pulling him towards me. I knew I was being loud, but I couldn’t stop the moans from spilling out. I was far from being embarrassed at this point.

“You like when I treat you like this, sweetheart? You like when I mark you up as mine?” He sucked sharply on my right shoulder; I could only imagine the bruise it would leave the next day. “What else do you like, huh? What else do you want from your captain?”

Even though we were of equal rank, it was still exciting to have him in a position of higher power over me. I would never admit it out loud, but I loved the way he was treating me, love bites and pain and all. With each stroke of his hips into my knee came a burst of cool air—and when it brushed my inner thighs, I could tell I had soaked through my pants. No matter what he did to me, I still found myself getting wet with need.

“Answer me, sweetheart. What do you want from me?”

I tried to calm my ragged breaths, but to no avail. With a swallow, I forced myself to speak.

“…I…I want—”

“Spit it out, brat. What do you want?”

“I w-want your—”

He cut me off with a sharp jab of his hips, and as I struggled to catch my breath, I could feel him smirk against my throat. “I can’t hear you. Tell me what you want.”

Another moan spilled from my lips as he sucked on a fresh patch of skin on my neck. “I…I want your cock in my mouth.”

Without another word, he straightened up and pulled me off of the couch by my wrists. He shoved me onto the floor between the couch and the coffee table, keeping his hands on my head. I didn’t hesitate to rip open his belt and slide his pants down to his knees. My heartbeat quickened as his cock bobbed against his stomach, flushed red and tipped with a bead of light silvery fluid.

“Look at you,” he groaned as my hand curled around the base, trailing up towards the tip, “so fucking eager for my cock. You want me to fuck your pretty little mouth, just like last time?”

I barely had enough sense in me to hold myself back from shoving my free hand down my pants. He knew just what to say to get me all worked up.

“Y-yes, I do.” I rubbed my thumb around the tip of his cock, spreading the fluid all around the head. Now that I was in a familiar position, I began to feel a little more confident. “Let me please you, captain.”

He groaned as I began to drag my hand up and down his length at a slow pace. I wanted nothing more than to lean down and suck him off with everything I had, but I wanted to make this moment last for as long as I could. Seeing him in such a flustered state gave me a thrill, and I wanted to see how long I could get away with teasing him like this.

_Probably not too long, but I’ll enjoy it while I can._

“You like that, captain?” I couldn’t stop myself from smirking as he leaned his head back against the couch, his lips parted and his eyes screwed shut. “You like my hand around your cock?”

He yanked on my hair, tilting my head back and forcing me to meet his gaze. His eyes were a dark gray shade, hooded and tinted with lust. “I’ll like it even more once your mouth is on it. Now start sucking.”

He didn’t have to tell me twice.

I hummed softly as I dragged my tongue along the underside of his dick, from the base to the head. I kept my eyes on his, silently savoring the feeling of his fingers twisted in my hair. His breathing grew heavier as I swirled my tongue around the tip, and when I slid him into my mouth, a husky moan filled the air between us.

“That’s it, sweetheart. That’s my good girl…”

I squeezed his muscular thighs as tight as I could, earning another groan from him. My clit whined from between my thighs, but I kept my hands where they were. I wouldn’t touch myself until my captain gave me the order to.

_Fuck, why am I into this? Why am I getting off on having Levi treat me like this?_

Whatever. I could worry about all of that later. Right now, my sole mission was to bring this man to tears.

He bucked his hips into my mouth, his cock slipping further down my throat. He was being rougher than usual, but I didn’t care. If it made him feel good, that was fine by me.

As he fucked my mouth at a brutal pace, his strangled voice filled the air: “I bet your pussy’s getting wet, isn’t it? Fuck, I wish I could see it…”

I whined around his cock, my nails digging into his bare thighs. It was getting to be too much. If I didn’t do something about the burn between my legs—

He leaned down, his mouth pressing against my ear. “Touch yourself, baby. Let me hear you moan.”

My hands flew to my pants, tearing the belt and throwing the sash to the side. Keeping one hand on his thigh, I pushed my panties aside and started circling my clit. My whole body was flushed red with pleasure with each stroke of my hand. Every time he drove his cock down my throat, I would shut my eyes and moan as loud as I could. I was too far gone to even care if Hanji could hear me from her office down the hall.

He kept groaning as he pushed my head down on his cock; I could feel him twitching against my lips. He was close, just like I was. Another whine slipped out as I dipped two fingers in between my folds, still rubbing my clit as hard as I could.

I had deprived myself of pleasure ever since that night in Mitras, when I had thought of Levi’s body while touching myself in the shower. But this felt _so much better_ than that night had been. He wasn’t even touching me directly, and he could still make me lose my senses.

“There you go, sweetheart. That’s what I like to hear.”

He raised his hips off the couch and bucked into my mouth hard, hitting the back of my throat. Tears pricked my eyes and drool dripped from my mouth. I drove my fingers into my pussy, still pinching and playing with my clit. It felt so good, _so right_ , and I didn’t want it to stop any time soon.

 _Fuck, I’m close._ By the way his hands fisted themselves into my hair, it felt like he was close, as well.

I almost screamed around his cock as my vision went white. My clit throbbed against my thumb as I came, my juices soaking my palm. As I hummed around his dick, he tightened his grip on either side of my head and pulled me in as hard as he could. My nose brushed against the small patch of dark hair on his hips as he moaned. A moment later, I could feel a hot, salty liquid streaming down my throat.

This time, I didn’t try to pull away. I squeezed my eyes shut and forced myself to swallow it, taking in as much of it as I could. I still coughed a bit when he finally pulled out, but at least I wasn’t choking on it like I had earlier.

The two of us stared at each other, chests heaving and foreheads plastered with sweat. As carefully as I could, I pulled my hand from my pants and wiped the remaining juices on the side of my pants. I would just wash them tomorrow with the rest of my clothes; no need to worry about it now.

I wiped the remnants of his cum off of my lips before pressing a soft kiss to the tip of his cock. My hands were trembling, but I managed to tuck him back into his pants, all the while savoring his hands rubbing my scalp.

When I was finished, he sat up and pulled me back onto the couch, right on his lap. I shivered as he nuzzled the side of my neck, leaving soft kisses along the bite marks he had left minutes earlier.

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” I smiled as his chest rumbled with another chuckle, and his arms tightened around my waist. “You’re always so fucking good to me.”

I hugged him back, but when I tried to stand up, he pulled me right back into his chest, grumbling under his breath. The more I struggled, the tighter his grip became, which forced me to stifle a laugh.

“Levi, come on, I have to get cleaned up. Besides, I want to kiss you again, and you said I can’t until I brush my teeth. Isn’t that right?”

For a moment, I thought he would protest and correct his earlier statement. But it appeared his obsession with cleanliness won the argument, and he loosened his arms from my waist. Before I headed into the bathroom, however, I leaned down and kissed the shell of his ear.

“I’m glad I could make you feel good. Maybe we can do it again later.”

He shook his head, running a hand through my hair. “You’re such a fucking horny brat, you know? At least give me a minute to catch my breath before you go and say something like that.”

I only giggled, kissing his forehead before heading towards the bathroom. Before I shut the door behind me, I glanced over my shoulder at him. Those burning silver eyes were still on me, hopeful for another round.

_Maybe I can indulge in his wishes for a little while longer. The night is still young, right?_

|~|

Hanji knew something was off the moment she saw me in the mess hall the following morning. Levi wasn’t there with us, since he had an early meeting with Commander Erwin, and Mike and Ness were already busy training with their squads. Even so, she could tell something wasn’t right with me—especially when she started talking to me.

My throat and jaw were sore from the previous night; apparently, it didn’t take long at all for Levi to get back in the game. The two of us had stayed awake well into the late hours of the night, when we had finally passed out on my bed, completely spent from our activities. Levi hadn’t been there when I woke up, but I was still satisfied with how everything had turned out last night. With every bite of my food, I had to wince in pain, even if I was just swallowing a small amount. There were also bags under my eyes—I hadn’t gotten that much sleep to begin with, anyway.

But despite all of this, I was on cloud fucking nine.

I couldn’t get my mind off of Levi. I recalled every sound he had made and every word he spoke. I remembered all the things I did to him that made him tick, and with a smile, I made a mental note to do those things the next time we found ourselves in such a situation. I still didn’t feel comfortable with him touching me, but thanks to last night, I was more confident than ever with him. Hopefully with time, I would warm up to the idea of him pleasuring me the same way I pleasured him.

“Hello? Mia, you there?”

I shook my head, snapping myself out of my daze. Hanji stared at me with wide brown eyes, the edges of her goggles tinted with morning sunlight. The two of us were seated at the Squad Leaders’ table in the center of the hall; as I realized this, I began to feel self-conscious at all the soldiers seated around me.

_Did they just see me spacing out? Or is Hanji the only one?_

“Mia!”

“Yes, what? I’m sorry, I just…I’m a little tired…”

She rolled her eyes, a playful smile on her lips. “Apparently. Didn’t you get any sleep at all last night?”

 _You mean before or after I gave Levi a blowjob? Either way, the answer is not much._ “Uh…not really… Last night was…pretty hard.” _Tch, I’ll say._

She nodded slowly, her eyes trailing over my face in deep thought. Suddenly, once she took a quick scan of the room to check if any of the nearby soldiers were eavesdropping on us, she leaned across the table and spoke in a low voice.

“Listen, I know it’s not any of my business… But I’m happy for you.”

_Wait, what the fuck?_

“…Huh?”

She rolled her eyes again before standing up from her seat. In a flash, she wormed her way on the bench beside me, her body pressing into my own. She hummed and nodded, her eyes glued to the side of my neck.

“…What are you looking at?”

“You got a little, um… _bite_ there.”

She motioned to the left side of her neck, and instinctively, I slapped a hand over my own. I knew exactly which bite she was talking about. _Shit, I thought I had covered those up!_

“L-look, it’s not—”

“Oh, I know _exactly_ what it is, Mia.” As her lips pulled up into a smirk, I could feel my face start to burn with a blush. “And don’t try to tell me you tripped and hurt yourself again, because we both know that’s not true.”

_Fuck, how much does she know?! Does she think we’re some kind of couple now?! I mean, we kind of are at this point, but no one’s supposed to know that! It’s supposed to be a secret!_

“…Hanji, I swear, it’s not a love bite!”

Her smirk grew even wider. “I only said it was a bite—I never said it was a _love_ bite.”

_Shit, no! She can’t find out!_

But it was too late. Hanji had the sharpest mind of anyone I knew—even sharper than Commander Erwin’s and Commander Shadis’ combined. It only took her a handful of seconds to piece together the puzzle, and once she did, she was determined to inspect every single inch of it. If she suspected something between me and Levi, even more than she already did, there was no way I was getting out of here unscathed.

“But it’s okay!” she added quickly, holding up her hands in surrender. “I’m not mad at you! I’m happy for you two! It’s about time you two got serious!”

I shrugged my shoulders, keeping my eyes glued to the table in front of me. “…Nothing major happened, Hanji. He just gave me a few bites, that’s it.”

“Hm…” Suddenly, her breath brushed over the skin of my ear, causing me to jump. “Then how do you explain all those sounds I heard from down the hall last night?”

Several Scouts jerked their heads in our direction once they heard me gasp. I slapped a hand over my mouth, my face bright red as I stared at my lap. As the stares began to dissolve, Hanji nudged me with her elbow, a huge shit-eating grin on her face.

“So tell me, what’s he like? Does he make up for his height in _other_ places?”

“N-no—I mean, maybe—but that’s none of your business!” I hid my face in my hands, digging my nails deep into my cheeks and forehead. “H-how did you even hear us last night?!”

“You two weren’t exactly quiet. Honestly, Mia, _you_ were the one who was being so loud. Poor Moblit looked like he was going to faint once he realized it was you making all those sounds.”

“Stop it!” By now I was sure my face would burn itself off. “I…I didn’t mean to do that!”

“No, but I’m sure you meant to sleep with him—”

“Shut up!” I pressed my hands over her mouth, glancing around to make sure none of the other soldiers were paying attention. Thankfully, it looked like we were in the clear. But that didn’t stop me from glaring at her. “Hanji, we didn’t do anything like that last night. I’m still…you know…”

_A virgin._

Her eyes shone behind those huge goggles of hers, and she slowly nodded her head. “Ah, I see…” Her voice was partially muffled by my hand, so I pulled them away before she could continue. “Then…what were those noises?”

I swallowed hard, still feeling the ache in my jaw. _Better to tell her now rather than later, right?_ “…Well…I just wanted to make him feel good. So I—ugh, do I have to spell it out? You know _exactly_ what I did to him!”

She let out a laugh before clapping me on the back, right between my shoulder blades. I winced as she pulled her hand away; she really didn’t know when to hold back sometimes.

“I know, I know! I just like seeing you so uncomfortable. It’s a hobby at this point.” _Oh, you don’t say?_ “But really, I’m happy for you. It’s about time Shorty’s made a move. I’ll have to tease him about it later…”

I opened my mouth to tell her not to bother, but snapped it shut when I realized it was futile. No matter what I said, she would always go against my advice and do what she wanted anyway. I mean, that’s what she did to Moblit on a regular basis. What made me think I had much of an influence on her, anyway?

“Fine, whatever. But can you please just keep this between us? I don’t want the whole base knowing we’re practically a couple…”

Especially Jax, but that was a conversation for another day. It was too early in the morning to start thinking about him.

Hanji nodded, patting me on the back again. “Don’t worry, buddy! Your little secret’s safe with me!”

Of course, Hanji could be _very_ selective with her secrets. Some she would keep until the day she died, but others she would blabber about the minute she could. I could only hope she would keep her mouth shut about this particular one.

|~|

My squad met me in our usual training spot, in the small meadow behind the main castle. However, when I got there after an anxious breakfast with Hanji, I realized I only counted three instead of four.

“Where’s Enns?” Indeed, the smallest boy of my group of cadets was nowhere to be found. It wasn’t like him to be late for training, especially when it came to hand-to-hand combat.

Evan swung his arms out in a stretch, nearly knocking Gretel in the head with his fist. “He was in the mess hall earlier,” he replied, calmly ignoring the furious glare Gretel sent his way, “but he said he wanted to ask one of the stable hands about his horse before training, or something like that. I think he may still be in there…”

It wasn’t unusual for Murphy to hang around the stables in his free time. Much like Evan—and to Gretel’s discomfort—the brown-eyed boy held a deep love for horses, and he was particular fond of his own horse, a chestnut mare with a floppy black mane. I hadn’t gotten a chance to ask him what he had named her, but judging by the way he was always in the stables with her, it was safe to assume he had given her one already.

Still, that was no reason to be late for training. It wasn’t like I blew off training just for an extra few minutes in Edel’s stall.

“Alright, do your warm-ups and practice your forms. I’ll be right back. Hertz, keep them in line.” Reggie saluted me with a smile, and once I saw Gretel and Evan do the same, I began to jog in the direction of the stables.

The base was still somewhat quiet this morning, with most of the squads either in the forest practicing their ODM gear training or running laps around the perimeter. My cadets should have considered themselves lucky—unlike many Squad Leaders, I didn’t view running laps as a form of punishment. Instead, I decided to put them through extra hand-to-hand combat training, especially since they had shrugged it off yesterday.

_By the Walls, had that really happened just yesterday? It seems like so much time has passed since then…_

But before I could let myself linger on it too long, I stepped into the first stable, where my squad kept their horses. I gave both Edel and Mischa a pat on their noses; I could fawn over them later, once our training was over.

Murphy’s mare’s stall was only a few doors down from Evan’s, so it didn’t take me too long to locate it. However, when I got closer to the open door— _aha, so Murphy **is** in there_—I began to hear voices. A pair of voices, to be specific.

“I don’t mean to be rude, sir, but I _really_ have to get going. Captain Wolf will have my hide if I’m late to training.”

_Murphy. Why does he sound so nervous? Is he really that intimidated by me?_

“Oh, just let me ask you one more question. I’d hate to make you late.” My blood froze in my veins as Jax’s voice fluttered through the air. Sure enough, I could see his silhouette in the doorway of the stall, practically towering over Murphy’s smaller frame. “The captain treats you well, right? She doesn’t push you too hard, I hope?”

“…No…”

The poor boy sounded so confused, and honestly, I couldn’t blame him. Why was Jax asking about me to my newest cadet? Did he think he would get dirt on me, or something to use against me? What was his goal?

“Has the captain ever spoken about her past with you?”

I could see Murphy’s shadow lift his hands and hold them out, which almost made me smile. “Ah, no! Not really, I’m sorry. …It’s just, well, none of us really ask her about it… We don’t want to bring up bad memories or anything like that…”

_Do they really hold me in such high regard like that? Is that why they never beg me to tell them about my earlier days in the Survey Corps? That’s kind of sweet…_

“I understand.” My smile vanished the moment Jax opened his mouth again, and my skin crawled as his familiar laugh filled the dusty air. “She hasn’t changed much at all. We were in the same training corps, you know.”

That’s when I stepped into the doorway, crossing my arms over my chest.

Murphy squeaked upon seeing me, partially hiding himself behind his mare. Jax glanced at me from over his shoulder, sending me a painfully fake smile. I shook my head and focused on my cadet, who nervously stroked his mare’s neck.

“Enns, relax yourself. Go meet with the rest of the squad behind the castle. I’ll be there in just a moment.”

I didn’t have to tell him twice; the boy flew out of the stall at the speed of lightning—but not before giving the mare one last scratch on her neck. Once he latched up the stall and ran out of the stable, I put on my fiercest glare and turned to face Jax. Hopefully I looked braver than I felt.

“What are you doing, cornering my cadets like that?”

“Who said I was cornering him?”

“You were standing between him and the door, refusing to let him leave. That looks a lot like cornering to me.” _You fucking bastard_ , I added silently.

He shrugged his shoulders, running a hand through his thick brown hair. “I’m just trying to get to know the famous Elite Reconnaissance Squad, Mia. So far you have a promising batch of cadets.”

My nails dug into my arms so hard I could feel them through the fabric of my jacket. I had to keep my composure around him—I couldn’t get too angry or too upset. I would _not_ show any sort of weakness in front of this man.

“I don’t want you hanging around them. They don’t need any extra distractions, especially from _you_.”

But before I could turn around and follow Murphy out of the stable, a tight, familiar hand curled itself around my arm. My whole body went limp as Jax stepped closer to me. When I felt his breath fanning the top of my head, my heart felt like it was going to explode from my chest.

“What are these?”

I swallowed hard as he traced a finger along my neck, right over the love bite Levi had given me. I had made sure my collar was up high enough to cover it, but Jax had seen through it almost instantly. Now I was at his mercy, just like I had been all those years ago.

He scoffed, his voice dripping with venom. “I didn’t peg you for a slut, Mia.”

“And I didn’t peg you for someone who hurts girls. But I guess we were both wrong.”

A surge of power flooded my veins as the words left my lips. Did I _really_ just say that in front of him?! It had been so quick, like my mouth was directly connected to my mind—no filter whatsoever, just like I always teased Hanji about. But I didn’t regret them in the slightest.

Jax stiffened behind me, and with another glare, I wrenched my arm out of his grasp. “We’re done here, Jax. Now please, leave me alone.”

As I took a step back, he took two more towards me—and caged me in his arms against the wall. I sucked in a sharp breath as he hovered over me, squeezing my eyes as tight as I could. Already I could feel the corners of my eyes pool with tears.

“So I _hurt_ you, Mia? Is that it?” His voice was so close to my ear—just like Levi’s had been the previous night. The comparison made me want to vomit. “You should be more specific.”

_No, don’t give in. He wants you to look weak in front of him. Don’t do it!_

His thumb pressed against the side of my neck, rubbing right over the purple mark on the side. “Who is he? Is it that ex-thug that’s always hanging around you? Humanity’s Strongest—isn’t that what they call him?”

_Shit, no, he can’t find out about Levi! I don’t want them at each other’s throats!_

I blinked the tears out of my eyes. Somehow, the thought of Levi was enough to encourage me to stay calm. Even though he wasn’t here to protect me, I knew I couldn’t give up fighting. I had to save myself this time, no matter how terrifying it sounded.

“Maybe I should have a chat with this ‘Humanity’s Strongest,’” he sneered, tightening his hold on my neck, “since he can’t keep his filthy hands off of what’s mine.”

My whole body was burning with rage at this point. His words were so condescending, so fucking cruel and arrogant. Who did he think he was, implying he had any ownership over me? He had lost any right to call me his own the moment he tried to take what wasn’t his.

Levi was the only one who could say he had any kind of claim on me—and even then, I knew he wouldn’t go as far as Jax had gone that night. I could refuse him over and over again, stating my limits and setting my boundaries, and he would still be by my side. Maybe he was possessive to a certain extent (last night’s behavior surely attested to that), but at least he didn’t view me as a piece of property like Jax did.

“The only one with filthy hands around here is _you_ ,” I hissed, wincing as his fingers dug into my neck. I wanted to smirk when I saw his eyes darken with anger, but I didn’t want to put myself in any more danger. I was already walking on thin ice as it was.

He only shook his head, a vicious smile painted on his face. “Since when did you get so sassy? It’s like you can’t hold your tongue sometimes.”

“I’ve always been this way. You were just too fucking ignorant to realize.”

I swallowed tightly as he added more pressure to my neck. If he squeezed any harder, I knew I would pass out. I had to stop him before he got the chance to do that.

“You need to learn how to keep your mouth shut, sweetheart.” My blood boiled at the nickname, my fingers itching to curl around his neck. “Maybe I should teach you a lesson right now, just to set an example for those kids of yours… What are their names again?”

My arms went limp at my sides at the mention of my cadets. _He’s not threatening them, is he?_

“There’s Murphy Enns and Evan Brose,” he drawled on, completely unaware of the glare forming on my face. “And the teacher’s pet—Reginald Hertz, I think it is. Oh, and then there’s the girl—she reminds me so much of you when you were her age. What’s her name—Gretel Mayer, is it?”

He suddenly shrieked as I grasped his wrist in my palm, twisting it as hard as I could. Without another thought, I brought my knee up and into his groin, sending him into the ground on his knees. Once he was down, I kicked him onto his back and grabbed the knife resting at my belt behind my waist. Before he could blink, I was kneeling down beside him, pressing the blade to his throat. 

I was panting heavily, my face flushed and my hands trembling. But I had done it—I had fought back against him and managed to subdue him. I almost felt proud of myself.

But I wasn’t done yet.

“You listen to me, Jackson Meyer.” I kept my voice low, so he was the only one who could hear me—not that there were other people in the stable to begin with. “Stay away from my cadets. Stay away from Hanji and Levi, and stay away from their squads. Don’t talk to them, don’t look at them—don’t even _breathe_ in their direction! And if I see you anywhere _near_ them,” I added, inching my face closer to his, “I won’t hesitate to hurt you. Hell, I may even kill you.”

The ferocity of my own words startled me. Surely I didn’t mean them, right? I was only trying to terrorize him; I knew I wouldn’t kill him if the time came, right?

But my gut told a different story. Deep in my bones, I knew I would do anything in order to protect my friends and my cadets. They were my family at this point, and soldiers did everything in their power to keep their families safe.

Jax seemed to know this, as well. Through his coughs and groans, he managed to smirk at me. “I don’t believe you. You don’t have the stomach.”

I pressed the blade further into his throat, and he winced as little beads of blood began to bubble up from the fresh cut. I wasn’t going to let him get the best of me. Not this time. Not ever again.

“I’ve killed people who have tried to hurt me before. And I can do it again.”

It wasn’t until I saw a genuine flash of fear in his eyes that I stood up and began to walk away. As I left him sputtering on the dusty ground, rubbing at his throat, I allowed myself to smile just a bit, before sliding the blade back into the scabbard behind my waist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to jump into full-blown sex between our two lovebirds, since I think it would take Mia a little more time to get fully comfortable with the idea. She's still recovering from her ordeal with her ex-boyfriend, and even though she knows Levi is vastly different from him, it's not something she can deal with overnight. She just needs a bit more time with him to make sure it's definitely what she wants. (Also, leave it to Hanji to tease her mercilessly...)
> 
> Writing this chapter was a little tough for me (writer's block is annoying sometimes), but the ending scene has been in my mind for a few months now, and I couldn't wait to finally put it into words. Mia's still uneasy around Jax, but at least she's found a way to step up to him (in her own Mia-esque way, of course). She's not going to let herself live in fear of him anymore, and it really takes him by surprise when he realizes that. He won't be bothering her in the near future, that's for certain! 
> 
> Again, thank you to everyone who's read, left kudos, bookmarked, or subscribed to this story! You guys are awesome, and I hope to see you for the next chapter! :)


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves! No smut warnings for this chapter (I need a bit of a break lol), just a bit of fluff and good feelings all around. Thank you to everyone who's read the story so far! I hope you enjoy the chapter! :)
> 
> (Also, Evan's brother's name is Adrian, which is the same name as Anna's brother from Ch. 40. I realized this a little too late and was too lazy to go back and change it. It's a nice name, what can I say?)

|XLII|

Jax had left me alone after that little incident. I expected for him to at least notify Erwin about my threat, but the Commander didn’t bring any sort of matter to my attention. I was almost certain I would be reprimanded for manhandling a member of the royal assembly like that, but no one brought it up. Apparently, Jax didn’t want anyone to know about it—perhaps he believed it would encourage me to tell everyone the truth about what had happened between us a decade ago. So he kept his mouth shut, and the two of us continued on with our lives.

Of course, not every matter concerning him was perfect. I could still feel his eyes on me whenever I walked into the mess hall or met with Commander Erwin in his office. He left me alone for the most part, but I knew he was watching me. He was just waiting for the right moment to strike.

I didn’t plan on giving it to him.

A couple weeks following the incident in the stable, I started to allow myself to smile a bit more than I had in the past few months. My life had changed drastically in such a short period of time, and I didn’t really have the chance to reflect on it. That wasn’t to say that the change was bad—in fact, I was elated at everything in my life—minus everything relating to Jax, of course.

I was starting to get a little more comfortable with Levi, what with all of our private encounters in each other’s offices. We were far from acting like a pair of horny teenagers, but we weren’t exactly modest in our approaches, either. At least once a week—usually in the dead of night, when the rest of the Scouts were sound asleep—I found myself on my knees in front of him, pleasuring him as much as I could. He often tried to brush me off if I offered, claiming that it wasn’t fair for me, but I did my best to reassure him. I still wasn’t ready to be vulnerable around him, but I found my own pleasure in seeing him all flustered, with his face red and his hair tousled. For now, that was more than enough for me.

A part of me believed I wasn’t being fair to him; he gave me his all when we were alone, but I couldn’t find it in my heart to do the same to him. Enough time had passed where I believed I should have already been comfortable around him to indulge in such sinful activities, but the thought still terrified me to no end. So, like every other thing that scared me, I shoved it into the back of my mind and told myself I would deal with it when the time was right—at a later date.

_A much later date._

|~|

“So…remind me why I’m in here again?”

I glared at Hanji from over the huge stack of paperwork on my desk, gripping my pen with a tight fist. My bespectacled friend was seated on the opposite side, bouncing her knee so hard she shook the floor and desk. More than once I had to snap at her to quit it, but she would go right back to it not a minute later.

“Because I refuse to get stuck with _your_ paperwork again. You’re just returning the favor and helping me with mine for a change. Now start writing.”

She threw her head back, and when she spoke, her voice was nothing more than a whine. “But why do _I_ have to do it?! Don’t you have a _boyfriend_ who can do this for you?”

“He helps me out enough already, Han. I don’t want him to think I’m taking advantage of him.”

“But you have no problem with taking advantage of me,” she grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest like a child.

“Well, considering all the times _you’ve_ taken advantage of _me_ , the answer is no, I don’t. Now get started, those papers aren’t going to fill themselves out.”

Secretly, I liked annoying Hanji like this. She had purposely annoyed me too many times to count in the years we had been friends—and the teasing only grew worse once she realized Levi and I were basically together. She deserved to have a taste of her own medicine every once in a while. Besides, she was being productive this way, helping me fill out papers instead of moping around in her office, and Moblit was getting a chance to relax from her crazy antics. It was a win-win in my book.

But despite my calm exterior, I couldn’t help but panic at her assumption about Levi. Was he _really_ my boyfriend now? No, he couldn’t be. We were more than friends, but we weren’t close enough to consider each other a couple. I mean, boyfriends and girlfriends admitted their love for each other, right? Levi and I still hadn’t taken that step.

_But you know you love him. You’re just scared to say it out loud. You’re worried about what he might say if you tell him._

_Oh, shut up, Wolf. Just be grateful for what you already have with him. Things will get better in time, right? Don’t rush it—you’ve got time to get used to each other._

However, going by the way I locked myself in his room every other night, I would say we were already quite used to each other.

Ugh, relationships and feelings were so confusing. I couldn’t even wrap my head around the fact I actually loved him. How had Ma and Dad put up with it for so long? How did Leyna deal with it with her boyfriend in Mitras, if they were still dating? How did Anna and Charles manage to make it work? When did any of them know exactly when to say those three simple words?

With a small smile, I wished I had spent more time asking Ma for relationship advice when I was younger, like my sister had done. But like the immature schoolgirl I was, I turned my nose up at anything even remotely related to romance.

_I wish she could see me now. I guess you were right about that “special someone,” Ma._

“Ah, Mia? You know you have to turn that into the Commander, right?”

My forehead creased at her smug tone. “What do you mean?”

She motioned down to the paper I as currently filling out, and my jaw nearly dropped to the floor. What was supposed to be a neat and orderly evaluation report detailing Gretel’s ODM skills, in comparison to Reggie’s and Gunther’s, was now a faded white sheet filled with black scrawls. I had accidentally drawn little phrases and aimless doodles over Gretel’s name on the sheet, and on the bottom half of the page, I had drawn a silly little sketch of the Wings of Freedom, with only one set of wings shaded in. The most prominent phrase on the sheet was written in thick black letters, dotted with little hearts and swirls:

**_Levi + Mia_ **

“…Oh, fuck…”

Hanji slapped a hand over her mouth, desperately trying—and failing—to contain her laughter. My cheeks flushed a bright red shade as I folded the paper and tossed it to the side, grapping a fresh sheet from the stack between us. There was no way in hell I would be handing _that_ over to Commander Erwin.

“Aw, look at you! I’ve never seen you so happy and in love before!”

“Hanji, would you quit it already? It’s not like that. And keep your voice down!” I didn’t need any of the other soldiers—or my cadets—or whoever happened to pass by my office knowing that I was head over heels for the infamous Captain Levi.

But Hanji just shook her head, her smile never faltering. When I met her eyes, I was relieved to see genuine happiness shining behind those silly glasses she always wore. Despite all of her teasing, I knew she meant well.

“I’m serious, Mia. I’m happy for you, and you know it. It’s nice to see you so relaxed and carefree like this. Usually you’re an uptight hard-ass…” _Gee, thanks, I guess._ “…But lately you’ve been happier than you normally are, even with all the paperwork Erwin gave us the other day. Whatever Shorty’s been doing to you is obviously working; I’m almost jealous!”

 _Oh, **please** don’t bring that up again._ A few nights ago, I had found myself trapped in Hanji’s office as she hounded me with questions about my sex life with Levi—all while a traumatized Moblit begged her to shut up. Thanks to the man’s quick thinking, I was able to sneak out of there in record time, but the memory still haunted me. I did _not_ want a repeat of that night, and I was certain Moblit didn’t either.

“It’s not that serious, Hanji, so calm down. These things take time, you know.”

“Have you told him you love him yet?”

I froze, my fingers tightening around the little black pen. No, I hadn’t. Neither of us had said it yet.

_Should I tell her the truth? Or should I just lie and get her off my back? Wait, no, don’t do that. Then she’ll run to Levi and tease him about it._

“…Not yet. It’s still too early—I don’t want to scare him off!”

She rolled her eyes and shook her head, her messy ponytail swishing from side to side. “Believe me, with the shit we’ve seen, I don’t think _anything_ can scare that man.”

But she didn’t know him like I did. She hadn’t been there that night in Skoll Castle, when he confided to me about his childhood in that brothel in the Underground. She didn’t see the way his eyes had dimmed when he spoke of his mother, wherever she was right now, or the way his nails dug into my shoulders as he hugged me, as if he was scared I would vanish during the night.

Titans didn’t scare him. Violence didn’t scare him. He could strike down ten Titans in a row without batting an eye. He could kill humans with a flick of his wrist, if he had enough of a reason to do so. On the surface, it didn’t seem like Levi was scared of anything.

But I knew he was vulnerable. He had only shown me that side of him maybe twice before, not counting our sexual encounters. He didn’t talk about himself that often, or his past in the Underground. Whenever I wanted to hear about it, I practically had to beg him to tell me. And even then, he would give me the bare minimum.

_He doesn’t do well with feelings. He doesn’t like to use his words, and whenever he does, anything he tries to say comes out the wrong way. I mean, that’s how our first fight happened in the first place, right?_

There was also the reason _why_ he didn’t want to jump into a relationship with me in the first place, as well. He seemed to be a little more open about taking risks now, but that didn’t mean everything was fine and dandy between us. What if I told him I loved him, and he wasn’t ready to say it back? I didn’t want to pressure him into anything, but at the same time, I was desperate to know what his feelings for me were.

“Like I said, it takes time. I’ll know exactly when to say it.”

But I sounded a lot more confident than I felt.

Hanji opened her mouth to respond, but before she could say anything, there was a knock at the door. I sprung from my seat in a flash, curling my hand around the knob. Even though Jax had steered clear from me for the past few weeks, I still felt uneasy whenever there was someone at my door.

“Who is it?”

“You know who it is, Wolf.”

I had to smile a bit at Levi’s baritone voice. While he chose to visit me in my office at night, I wasn’t about to turn down a surprise daytime visit. But before I opened the door, I turned back to Hanji, who was trying her hardest to hide a smug smile.

“Not _one word_ , Zoë. Understood?”

She only nodded, her smirk never faltering.

With a heavy sigh, I pulled open the door and allowed him to step inside. He was dressed in his usual uniform, neat and tidy, with his cravat tied perfectly around his neck. His shoulders were tense as he stepped into the room, his hands gripping a small stack of papers and folders. As much as I hated to say it, he looked rather tired today—and maybe a little more annoyed than he usually was.

A deep blush made its way to my cheeks as I remembered all the times I had seen him in a more relaxed state, with his cravat hanging loosely around his neck and the first few buttons of his shirt undone.

_Wait, no, stop it! Don’t think about that when Hanji’s in the room! Don’t give her any ideas!_

But before either of us could say anything, the brunette stood up from her seat, pushing the bridge of her glasses up her nose. “You want me to leave, so you two can have some _alone time_?”

I slammed the door shut with a harsh thud. _I can never trust her with this kind of shit!_ “Hanji, I swear—”

“I’m just teasing, calm down!” But she made her way to the door all the same, moving as fast as she could. “But seriously, I don’t want to be in here whenever you two decide to go at it. I’ll be in my office if you need me!”

“Take some of that paperwork before you go!”

But she had already disappeared down the hall, slamming the door behind her. The paperwork sat forgotten on the desk, and when I glanced at the papers in front of her seat, I was mortified to learn she had only completed one or two pages—out of at least twenty.

I rubbed my temples and let out a groan, flopping back down into my own chair. Why did I even bother asking her for help at this point? Hanji couldn’t even be trusted to take care of her own paperwork, so why did I think she would be any different when it came to mine? I was better off dealing with it on my own—at least then I wouldn’t have to put up with a headache.

There was a soft rustling of papers as Levi placed his own stack down on my desk. I couldn’t help but blush as I realized he was still in the room with me—I had nearly forgotten about him.

“Is that more paperwork for me?” I mumbled into my hand, leaning my elbows on the desk.

“No, just an order from Erwin. You don’t have to look at it now, it’s not that important.” I could hear the chair across from me scrape against the floor, and he grunted softly as he took a seat. I wanted to smile at him, but I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep it up. “What’s your problem, anyway? Did Shitty Glasses manage to piss you off?”

 _Either he’s really good at reading me by now, or I just suck at trying to hide my emotions._ “…Not really. I’m just sick of helping her with her paperwork when she never helps me with mine.”

He groaned again, and even though I couldn’t see him, I assumed he was rolling his eyes at me. “Tch, then why didn’t you just ask me? You know how unreliable she is with that shit.”

“…I didn’t want to bother you… You have your own stuff to worry about, you know.” _You don’t need to worry about me all the time._

Suddenly, he placed his hand on my head and ruffled my hair. I moved my hand away from my face, leaning into his touch with a smile. I didn’t know what it was, but there was just something about him that put me at ease almost instantly, no matter how upset I was, or how stressed out I was feeling. He always knew just what to do to make me feel better.

“It’s fine, brat. I don’t mind. I’d rather help you out than watch you get screamed at because you can’t turn in your paperwork on time.”

“Aw, you’re too sweet to me sometimes.”

I nearly laughed out loud when I saw the glare etched on his face. With a huff, he yanked his hand away from my head, returning it back to his lap. As he dropped his gaze to the papers in front of him, I could see the faintest brush of pink forming across his cheeks.

He was just too cute sometimes. At times like these, it was easy to forget about the Titans he had slain, or the people he had killed. But I didn’t care about that. He was a violent man, but only when he had to be. While I enjoyed seeing the soldier side of him, it was nice to see him in a softer state like this, with his cheeks warm and his overgrown bangs hiding his eyes. He almost looked bashful, and it was making my chest feel all warm and fuzzy.

I wanted to tease him for a bit longer, but I knew nothing good would come of it. Instead, I straightened up in my seat and gazed at the stack of papers he had brought inside with him. “Anyway, what does Commander Erwin want? Nothing too major, I hope?”

He handed me the first few papers, his eyes never leaving the notes Hanji had written. Once I had taken them from his hand, he grabbed a fresh sheet and started to write. I hid a proud smile when I saw how much neater his handwriting had become over the past year.

“Apparently there’s some kind of fancy gathering next month at the capital. Bunch of nobles and rich people and all that shit… For some reason Erwin wants to go and try to secure more sponsors for our expeditions.” He shook his head at the mention of our Commander willingly subjecting himself to such demands. “He wants the Scouts to go with him, so he wants to put in an order for one of those stuffy clothes shops—get them some new suits and dresses and shit.”

Well, that _did_ sound like Erwin. Whenever the Scouts visited Mitras as a whole, it was imperative to look our best, so we could please the noblemen and women there. It was a pain in the ass, but our Commander was an expert at sucking up to people in order to secure funds for our expeditions beyond the Walls. Thankfully, most of the rich people he conversed with were too eager to flaunt their wealth around, so it didn’t take long to get a few new sponsors with each visit.

I wasn’t excited about attending another royal ball in Mitras, but I knew it couldn’t be helped. I could put up with pleasing wealthy civilians for one night, if it meant keeping the Survey Corps in operation. And judging by the look of disgust on Levi’s face, I assumed Erwin expected him to attend, as well. It would be fun to sit on the sidelines with him and quietly make fun of all the other nobles, just like Hanji and I used to do. As long as I had those two, I knew nothing could go wrong.

“Do we have the money for that in the first place?” The Survey Corps was already tight on funds, especially with the royal assembly breathing down our necks. How did Erwin expect to pay for this little splurge of fancy outfits?

Levi hummed in annoyance, his fingers tightening around the pen. A dark look shadowed his face, and his silver eyes burned with anger. I could only imagine what had prompted such a look of utter disdain.

“He cut the fucking tea budget in half.”

I snorted with laughter, slapping a hand over my mouth. Apparently Humanity’s Strongest Soldier didn’t like the idea of parting with his beloved tea.

“Well…it’s not like he got rid of it entirely,” I said once he gave me a ferocious glare. “Besides, I’m sure we have plenty of tea to hold you over until next month. Now that I think about it, you’re the only one who drinks it regularly… But I wouldn’t worry too much about it. By this time next month, your tea budget will be back to normal, I’m sure of it!”

_I might have to remind Erwin about it beforehand, though. I don’t want to see how irritable Levi can get if he doesn’t have his tea to get him through the day._

A comfortable silence settled over the two of us; as he continued to fill out the paperwork, I started leafing through the documents Erwin had given us. From what I could piece together, he wanted me to take a trip to the store and place an order for the outfits for the ball next month. I had done it before, so I knew it wouldn’t take too long. The clothes shop he wanted to invest in was located in Karanes District, only a few miles away from our base. It was a small store, but the couple who ran it was well-known for their quality outfits and reasonable prices. Besides, they were speedy workers—that was a plus in my book.

“Wait a minute—” I blinked a few times, my eyes glued to the name of the shop on the page. “Brose Boutique? _That’s_ what it’s called?”

_Brose? As in Evan’s last name?_

Levi quirked an eyebrow at my outburst, the tip of the pen hovering over the paper. “What’s the big deal?”

“Oh, nothing. It’s just… I may need to take Cadet Brose with me. Those are his parents, after all.”

He hummed softly again, casting his eyes down to the desk between us. I expected him to continue writing, but he did no such thing. Instead, he only stared at the space between us, trailing his eyes over the papers in my hand.

“…What’s wrong? We won’t be gone for too long. If we leave early tomorrow, we’ll be back before sunset.”

He remained silent, refusing to meet my gaze.

_Wait a minute… Is he upset that I’m going without him? Don’t tell me he doesn’t want me to leave him!_

The thought of Levi being reluctantly clingy brought a smile to my face. Who could have thought he would get so attached to someone like me, even with everything we had gone through together? Even though we were pretty much an established couple at this point, I was still amazed he had chosen to chase after a girl like me.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be back as soon as I can. Sheesh, I didn’t think you could get so clingy, captain.”

“I’m not.” But the bright red tips of his ears told me otherwise. “I just don’t trust you not to get yourself in trouble.”

“I’ll be fine, I promise. I’ll have Evan with me the whole time.”

But I could tell he still wasn’t convinced. With a huff, I leaned over the desk and planted a kiss right on his cheek. He stiffened at first—still not used to such blatant signs of affection, even though we were alone—but he made no effort to pull away.

“I’ll be back before you know it,” I whispered against his skin. “I promise, I’ll come back to you as soon as I can.”

He reached up and cupped the back of my head, threading his fingers through my hair. He mumbled a soft “You better, you brat” before pulling me into a searing kiss.

Call me crazy, and maybe a bit selfish, but the idea of a clingy Levi was starting to grow on me. I could only hope I would see more of this side of him in the near future.

|~|

By the end of the day, the arrangements between me, Erwin, and Evan had been made. The two of us would head for Karanes District in the early morning and work out a deal with the couple in charge of the boutique. Erwin had already supplied me with a considerable amount of funds to give to the couple, if they were interested in helping the Scouts prepare for the upcoming ball in Mitras. But considering how Evan spoke about his parents, it was safe to assume they would be more than willing to take on the job.

Evan was ecstatic at the thought of seeing his parents again. As the two of us prepared our horses for the journey tomorrow morning, he rattled on about showing them his new horse, whom he had named Gus, and telling them all about Reggie and Gretel and Murphy. He couldn’t wait to show me the dresses his mother had sewn, or the collection of sketchbooks his father had stacked in the living room, filled with different designs for suits and gowns. When he talked in such a rush like this, it was easy to forget he was only fifteen years old, and one of the most promising soldiers in the Survey Corps.

However, not everyone at the base was looking forward to the little trip to Karanes. For some reason I couldn’t seem to understand, Levi was still being a sourpuss about it. He didn’t say it out loud, but I could tell by the little cues he gave me throughout the rest of the night.

He scoffed whenever I mentioned Evan or his family’s shop. He rolled his eyes and grumbled under his breath as he watched me prepare my rucksack for the journey, pocketing the pouch of gold coins Erwin had granted me. And when I finally settled on the couch with a book, taking a break from the paperwork on my desk, he leaned down and rested his head on my lap, his sharp silver eyes fixed into a glare. It took me a moment to meet his eyes, but the second I did, he turned and gazed off into the distance, his expression unreadable.

“Levi, you can pout all you want, but you’re not coming with me tomorrow.”

“Tch, and who says I’m pouting, brat? The only one who pouts around here is _you_.”

_Yeah, keep telling yourself that._

But I remained silent and turned back to my reading, trying my best to keep the smile off my face. As I turned the page, I let my hand wander down to his hair, tangling my fingers in those silky black locks. This time, he didn’t stiffen or pull away at my touch. He only leaned in closer, his eyes fluttering with each stroke of my hand.

_Is he really upset about me leaving tomorrow without him? It’s not like we’ll be spending a month apart! I’ll be back at nightfall, just like I promised. But then why is he still acting so clingy? He’s never acted like this before… So what changed?_

A warm, fuzzy feeling spilled throughout my chest as the answer dawned on me: this was probably just his way of showing affection for me. He wasn’t into hugs and kisses and cuddles, like any other man would be. Hell, he didn’t like too much physical contact to begin with—unless it was sexual, of course. But despite his cold exterior, I could tell he still cared about me. He was protective of me, and whenever I left his sight for too long, he would start to worry.

_I’ll have to make it up to him tomorrow night, once we get back._

“You’re staring again, brat.”

I placed my book down on the arm of the couch, my face already flushed red. “How could you tell? Your eyes are closed.”

He quirked an eyebrow, opening one silver eye to glance at me. My breath hitched in my throat as he reached up and ran his fingers against the side of my face, lingering on the scar on my cheek.

“I know how you work by now, Wolf. You can’t keep your eyes off of me for too long.”

 _Damn, is it that obvious?_ “And whose fault is that? I can’t help it if you’re so handsome.”

His face scrunched up in disgust at the h-word, and before I knew it, he had lifted himself off of my lap, his back turned to me on the couch. I bit the inside of my cheek, wondering if I had gone a little too far in my praising.

_But it’s the truth! I think he’s very handsome, so why can’t I admit that to him? Why does he have such a problem with it? I’m sure it’s not the first time he’s heard something like that, right?_

A chill dripped down my spine at the thought. Maybe it _had_ been the first time someone had called him that. The Underground wasn’t a place that valued the appearances of others, after all.

“Don’t say shit that’s not true, Wolf.” His face remained indifferent as he glanced back at me from over his shoulder, but I could see the evident pain in his eyes.

Who knew Humanity’s Strongest Soldier would be insecure about his appearance?

“But it is! I think you’re very good-looking, and nothing you say will change my mind.”

Before he could protest, I crawled over to him on my hands and knees and wrapped my arms around his torso, resting my chin on his shoulder. The muscles in his back rippled against my chest, and when I placed my hands on his chest, I could feel his warm breath clouding over them. I snuggled into the side of his neck, fighting the urge to kiss him wherever I could. I didn’t want to make him any more uncomfortable than he already was.

He didn’t say anything, but he reached up and covered my hand with his own, holding it in place against his chest. I hid my smile in the fabric of his gray shirt as I felt his heartbeat against my palm, strong and steady against my skin.

“You may not think so, but to me, you’re very handsome.” I gave him a firm squeeze around his upper half, eliciting a soft groan from him. “I like your hair, your eyes, your skin—everything that makes you Levi. And I really like it when you—”

“Alright, that’s enough,” he grumbled, wrenching himself away from my grasp. “I get it, so you can shut up already.” Once he was out of my arms, he placed his hand on my forehead, holding me back from hugging him again. “You’ve made your point very fucking clear.”

I shrugged my shoulders and smiled, poking a finger at his chest. “That’s good to hear. Maybe now you won’t look so grumpy whenever I call you handsome.”

He grimaced at the word, but he didn’t say another word about it. Instead, he flicked my forehead gently before batting my hand away from his chest.

“Whatever. It’s getting late, you know. You should turn in early if you’re going on that shitty trip of yours tomorrow.”

I rolled my eyes, but I did as he said. I pushed myself off the couch, grabbing the book on the arm, and made my way across the room. As I left the book on the corner of the desk, right next to my little brown rucksack, I gave him a half glance over my shoulder. My throat tightened when I saw him get up from the couch and head over to the door.

“…You’re leaving already?”

The two of us weren’t strangers to spending our nights together, but up until our little “rendezvous” in his office a week ago, we had been pretty modest with each other. More often than not I found myself sleeping in his own room rather than my own, warming his bed while he stubbornly insisted on sleeping in the armchair in his office. We had kept this up even after that first night we spent together—except for that night in particular, when we had both passed out on my bed after our little activities. But I barely remembered that night; I had been too exhausted at the time.

I didn’t want to sleep alone tonight, and I didn’t want him to be too far away from me. The two of us hadn’t even cuddled since our last few days in the hospital in Utopia District. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was starting to crave some physical attention.

He froze in his tracks, his fingers hovering over the doorknob. I could see his throat bob slightly as he swallowed, his eyes glued to the door in front of him.

“I don’t want to distract you when you get up tomorrow.”

 _Bullshit._ “You won’t distract me, I promise. Can you—” I cleared my throat, chewing on the inside of my cheek. “…Can you stay the night?”

I didn’t hold out too much hope. He was already uneasy with lovey-dovey signs of affection, and that included cuddling—or even sleeping in the same bed together. But I was getting desperate. I hadn’t felt his body against mine in that sense for months now, and I missed it like crazy. Even if it was just for one night, I wanted to enjoy it as much as I could.

He stayed like that for a few moments, staring at the door in front of him. Finally, he gave a gentle shrug of his shoulders and pulled his hand away from the knob.

“I guess. I’ll take the couch—”

“No, I mean…well…”

He raised an eyebrow, waiting for me to finish.

“…I meant the two of us…you know, in the bed…sleeping together…”

His silver eyes widened slightly, and for a brief moment, I thought I saw a genuine flash of fear.

“Y-you don’t have to do anything you’re n-not comfortable with, so d-don’t worry! You don’t…you don’t have to say yes…you know, if you don’t want to…”

Secretly, I wanted him to say yes and come to bed with me. I wanted to curl up underneath the sheets with his arms wrapped around my waist, and my face nuzzled into his chest. I wanted to fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat. I wanted to savor the warmth of his body as I drifted off into the night. And when the sun rose up in the morning, I wanted to still be nestled in his arms, with his hair tickling my face and his nose brushing the back of my neck.

But I wouldn’t force him into anything. I had to be patient with him, just as he was patient with me. I didn’t want to scare him off.

“It’s fine,” he muttered, reaching up and untying his cravat. “If it’ll make you happy, I’ll do it.”

“…Are you sure? You don’t have to if you—”

“Do you want me to or not?” His voice was sharper, but his eyes remained soft. I bit my tongue and smiled, shaking my head.

“Okay, I’m just going to go get ready. I’ll meet you in a few minutes, alright?”

He hummed, sliding the cravat off his neck. As fast as I could, I made my way to my room and swiped my pajamas from the foot of my bed. They had been a gift from Hanji at the start of spring—a loose gray T-shirt and black shorts that stretched down to my thighs. They were useful to wear on warmer nights like this one, and from my own personal experience, I knew that once summer hit, the heat would be absolutely unbearable.

I hid myself in the bathroom, locking the door behind me. With a huff, I slid myself out of my military outfit and into my pajamas. I kept my bra on, since the neckline of the shirt was a little too wide for my taste. When I was alone, I didn’t really care. But with Levi right next to me in the shadows, I wanted to be a little more modest.

Once I had folded my clothes and placed them on the counter for tomorrow’s journey, I brushed my teeth and yanked out the elastic of my hair. I groaned as the strands practically flew from my head, creating messy reddish-brown waves down my shoulders. My hair was getting long again, reaching just past my shoulders. I would have to cut it again, especially before the hot weather hit.

I took in a deep breath before opening the door and walking into the room. Levi was already seated on the bed, his boots and cravat nowhere to be seen. He must have left them in my office, in the same place where I usually left my own.

My bed was big enough to fit two people, but it wasn’t as extravagant as the beds in Mitras were. Stationed in the center of the room, with both sides easily accessible, it was covered with gray and white sheets, topped with a gray quilt that reminded me of my mother’s, back in the ruins of Shiganshina. There were two pillows on either side; Levi was already patting the one on the right, the side closest to the bathroom.

I tried to ignore his silver stare as I padded back to my office, retrieving the half-burnt candle on my desk. When I came back to the room, setting the candle on the nightstand on the left side, Levi was nowhere to be found. I smiled a bit when I heard the water running in the bathroom. He must be brushing his teeth—we both kept extra toothbrushes in our rooms for situations like these, after all.

_He’s such a clean freak. But I guess he’s my clean freak, isn’t he?_

He came back out a few minutes later, just as I was pulling the covers down on my side of the bed. I could feel his eyes on me as I worked, drinking in my every movement. As he watched me, I couldn’t help but tug on the hem of my shorts, secretly wishing they were a little bit longer.

“Y-you know you can leave whenever you want, right?” It was still hard for me to look at him, so I focused on the burning candle instead, watching the flame flicker in the darkness. “You don’t have to stay the whole night, and if you don’t want to be here in the morning, I understand…”

He scoffed and shook his head. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him unbuttoning his shirt, exposing that beautiful chest of his.

“I’ll be fine, brat. You want me to stay, so I’m staying. I’m not leaving you, and that’s final.”

I blew out the candle with a smile. He could be romantic when he wanted to—he just didn’t know it yet.

I climbed under the covers and closed my eyes, listening to Levi rustle around on the other side. I could hear a clink of metal, and the sound of fabric sliding on skin. I swallowed hard as I realized he must have taken off his pants.

_Oh, well. It’s not like it’s anything you haven’t seen before, Wolf. Let him be comfortable, you can deal with it._

Still, the thought of Levi lying next to me in nothing but those tight black boxers was enough to make me blush. My imagination ran wild as I thought of the possibilities, none of them safe to speak of out loud.

The bed creaked under his weight, and not a moment later, I felt his arm pressing against mine. As slowly as I could, I shifted on my side and stretched out my arm, gliding it across his chest. He didn’t pull away as I hugged him closer, snuggling my face into his shoulder. Eventually, he shifted his arm and wrapped it around my back, his fingers ghosting along the collar of my shirt.

“Thank you,” I mumbled, already feeling drowsy.

He grunted again, curling his free arm around the back of his head on the pillow. “Don’t mention it, kid.”

We stayed like that for the next few minutes, nestled in each other’s warmth. But as much as I wanted to sleep, I knew I was way too worked up to actually do so. I was too excited about actually sleeping with Levi— _and snuggling into his chest_ —to focus on falling asleep.

I moved my legs slowly underneath the covers, brushing them against his. When he didn’t pull away, I draped my right leg over his own, my knee resting in between his thighs. I made sure not to move too far up—I didn’t want to startle him or accidentally excite him, if you know what I mean.

“Is this okay?” When he mumbled a soft “yeah,” I relaxed my leg a little more. As long as he was comfortable with me, I was content.

Just as I teetered on the verge of sleep, his deep, husky voice filled the air, strained from the events of earlier in the day.

“She used to call me that word.”

 _I’m guessing he’s still stuck on the fact I called him handsome_. But I humored him and smiled, snuggling deeper into his chest. “Who did?”

“My mom.”

My eyes shot open. He hadn’t mentioned his mother once since our night in Skoll Castle, when he had told me about spending the majority of his childhood in a brothel. I figured she was a touchy subject for him, so I never really pressed him to tell me about her. I knew he would tell me when he was ready, but he never did.

Until tonight.

Was that why he was acting so weird when I had said that? Did I accidentally remind him of his mother? Did he even want to be reminded of her, wherever she happened to be?

I swallowed the lump in my throat, tilting my head to look at him. His eyes were fixed on the ceiling above, his arm still folded underneath his head.

“…She used to call you that?” He hummed softly, still refusing to meet my eyes. “…What was she like?”

I didn’t really expect him to answer, so I was pleasantly surprised when he did. He sucked in a deep breath, my arm rising and falling with his chest, before gazing back up at the ceiling.

“She was soft. Always hugging and kissing me, and all that shit. She had long hair that reached down to her back. Had a nice voice, too; she wasn’t loud or obnoxious, like the other women there. She used to hum to me sometimes when I couldn’t sleep.”

My throat closed up as I remembered humming to him that night in Skoll Castle, with his head resting in my lap.

It was nice to hear him talk about his mother for a change. His voice wasn’t as cold or clipped as it usually was whenever he spoke about the cadets, his meetings with Erwin, or the mountain of paperwork sitting on his desk. While he wasn’t exactly gentle, there was a certain kind of warmth to his tone. For a brief moment, he almost seemed genuinely happy.

“She sounds beautiful.”

His chest rumbled with a soft chuckle. “She was, kid.” I didn’t miss the way he spoke of her in the past tense, as if she was no longer of this world. My mouth ran dry at the thought, but I remained silent.

Considering her occupation in that brothel, it was a bit strange to think of her in such an innocent light. I was relieved that her experiences and endurances hadn’t caused her to grow cold and condescending, especially when it came to her own child. But apparently, that couldn’t be further from the truth. From what Levi had told me, she treated him kindly and took care of him to the best of her abilities. Even in their unfortunate situation, she always seemed to find the strength to love him and provide for him.

_A mother’s love knows no bounds, I guess._

“What happened to her?” But I had a feeling I wouldn’t like the answer.

“Got sick. She died when I was six, I think.”

He didn’t say anything else, so I didn’t ask him any more about it. I knew how hard it was, coping with life without your mother to guide you. But my experience had been vastly different from Levi’s. While I had lost my mother later in life, he had been only six years old. I remembered with a gulp that Levi had told me he never knew his father. It had to be traumatizing for such a young child to lose the only parent he had ever known.

“I’m sorry.”

I tightened my arm around his abdomen, pulling him as close to me as I could. But before I could rest my head back on his chest, he curled his fingers under my chin and tilted my head towards his. Even in the faint moonlight that shone through the tiny window, his eyes were still a bright silver color.

“It’s fine, Wolf. You don’t need to get so worked up over it.”

I knew he was right. There was no use in getting upset now. She had been dead and gone for over two decades now, and there wasn’t much I could do for her right now. The best I could do was support Levi and help him carry her memory, just as he did with Isabel and Furlan.

But deep down, I was glad he was being so open with me about his mother. There was still so much I didn’t know about this man, and a strong sense of pride washed over me whenever I got the chance to learn something new. He trusted me to tell me these secrets about his past, just as I trusted him with mine. There was a weird sort of bond between us, even before we had decided to give this relationship a chance, and nothing could ever take that away from us.

He pressed down on the back of my head, placing my lips on his. It was a sweet kiss, only a few seconds long, but it made my heart flutter. His tongue tasted like mint, warm and fresh and soothing. When he pulled away, I gave him a smile and snuggled back into his chest. I moved my hand from his torso, resting it right on top of his heart.

“Thanks for telling me, Levi.”

His chest rumbled with a soft chuckle, luring me to sleep almost instantly. But as I drifted off to the sound of his heartbeat, I felt him shift above me. His lips were pressed against the top of my head, his nose nuzzling into my hair.

“She would’ve loved you, brat.”

 _I hope so._ For some reason, the thought of Levi’s mother liking me brought a fuzzy feeling to my chest.

With that in mind, I finally fell into sleep’s outstretched arms, smiling to myself as Levi’s warmth enveloped me from all around.

|~|

Morning came quicker than I would have preferred. An hour before sunrise, I was up and about, making last-minute preparations for the trip. I didn’t have to worry about accidentally disturbing Levi; the man was already propped up on his elbows, watching me bustle around the room with a glint of amusement in his eyes.

After checking my rucksack for the fifteenth time that morning alone, I pressed a quick kiss to Levi’s forehead, in the spot where his bangs parted, and reminded him I would be back by nightfall. He only groaned, seemingly coming to terms with the fact there was nothing he could do to prevent me from leaving. With one final smile in his direction, I left my office and headed down to the stables, where Evan was already tacking up his horse.

I had traveled to Karanes District plenty of times before—many times with Rosalie and Emmett, and one without them. I knew the road as well as I knew the one to Trost. Despite this, I let Evan take the lead—he was practically bouncing up and down in his saddle at the promise of seeing his family again. Apart from his frequent arguments with Gretel, I had never seen him so fired up before.

“The shop is in the heart of the district, but our house is in the little village outside. Technically, it’s still part of Karanes District, but it’s a bit more rural than the inner city. That’s where my grandfather raised horses when he was younger. We don’t have that many horses now, but the barn is still right next to our house and all. I can’t wait to show off Gus to my dad! He was the one who taught me how to ride, you know. Well, both him and Adrian, but I think Dad did most of the work. Adrian just sat back and laughed every time the horse tried to throw me off.”

I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt at the mention of his deceased brother. He had died in the year 842, ripped in half by two Titans at once. I hadn’t witnessed his death myself, but Hanji had. She was the one who had told me about it in the first place—and that was the first time I had ever seen her look so pale. She kept me up for a whole month after that, screaming herself awake every other night. I tried my best to comfort her, just as she had done to me whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on. More often than not she would pass out against my shoulder, the two of us snuggled up in her bed in the girls’ barracks.

Adrian had died on the battlefield, in the most dangerous division of the military. And now his younger brother was trying to keep his memory alive, trying his damned hardest to make his brother proud. How would his parents react upon seeing me? Would they resent me for holding their son’s life in my hands every time we went out beyond the Walls?

An hour or so passed, with Evan continuing to babble away. I was only half-listening at this point, still wondering about his parents. It was only when he urged his horse to go faster that I realized we were on the outskirts of Karanes District, with the small village laid out before us. Shiganshina had held a similar village, but the houses had been much closer together. Here in Karanes, the houses were bigger and further apart, leaving a few miles of land in between each settlement.

Evan led us to the edge of the village, right to a large white house with a crimson roof. It wasn’t as fancy as some of the manors in Wall Sina, but it was considerably better than most of the houses in Wall Rose. It had to be at least two stories high, not counting the obvious attic at the very top of the house. The windows gleamed in the early morning sun, and the picket fence around the yard was painted a brilliant white. There was a barn on the edge of the fence, almost as big as the house beside it. Two light brown horses were currently grazing in the field, their ears pricked forward and their tails swishing in the breeze. Perched on the edge of the field was a medium-sized brown dog with scruffy fur and large black eyes.

Before I could even blink, Evan had dismounted his horse and tied him to the fence. His movements were so fluid and relaxed I could only assume how many times he had done this. He gave Gus a pat on the snout before turning over to the edge of the field.

“Bruno! Here, boy!”

The dog’s ears perked up at Evan’s voice, and once his eyes landed on him, he started running towards us. I slowed Edel to a halt and rubbed his neck, calming him as the dog drew closer. Edel didn’t have a problem with other animals, especially those smaller than him, but I didn’t want to accidentally spook him. Luckily he seemed fine, but I still kept my distance. I didn’t want to take any chances.

Evan knelt down to the dog’s level, running his hands along his head, his ears, his sides—anywhere he could reach. He cooed to him in a high-pitched voice, blabbering about how much he missed him. When the dog rolled on his back so Evan could scratch his tummy, I had to hold back a laugh.

Apparently, Evan didn’t have a gift with just horses—he had one with dogs, as well.

“Captain, this is Bruno,” he said, still rubbing the dog’s stomach. “He’s been with us for a few years now. He helps keep the horses in line, and he’s a great watchdog!”

I dismounted Edel and copied Evan’s earlier movements, tying him to the fence ahead. After giving him a reassuring pet on the snout—he was the only animal who held my heart, after all—I faced the dog at Evan’s side, whose tail was moving so fast I could barely keep up.

I had never wanted a dog myself, but Ben and I would always play with the ones the neighborhood kids owned back in Shiganshina. Leyna would turn her nose up at the thought, claiming that she didn’t want to get dirty and ruin her dress. Ben and I merely shrugged and continued to play, tossing them sticks and scratching them behind their ears. But we both knew we would never have a dog to call our own. Ma and Dad were struggling enough, and they didn’t need an extra mouth to feed.

I knelt down to the dog and held my hand out, letting him catch my scent. As he nudged my hand and urged me to pet him, I couldn’t help but think of Ben and how he would laugh whenever one of the dogs would lick his face. Even after all these years, I could still hear his voice in my ear.

“He’s cute,” I said, still rubbing his ears. The dog snorted, pushing his gray muzzle into my arm. He had to be more than a few years old at this point, but I wouldn’t say that out loud. “And friendly, too.”

“Evan? Is that you?”

The boy shot to his feet in a flash, nearly startling Gus and Edel. Before I knew it, he was bolting towards the house, with Bruno at his heels. I straightened myself up and followed his gaze, my hand on Edel’s neck.

Standing on the porch of the house was a middle-aged woman, dressed in a dark brown dress and a smudged white apron. Her blond hair was tied in a loose ponytail, draping over her right shoulder. As Evan raced up the stairs of the porch, she threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly.

I felt my throat start to close up. This had to be his mother. How would she react when she learned her son had brought along his captain, the one person responsible for bringing him back to her every time the Scouts stepped outside the Walls?

Emmett’s mother had resented me after I let her son die. Rosalie’s father was ready to kill me on the spot, but her older brother had stopped him before he could. Would I have to face the same exact thing once Evan’s parents officially met me?

I turned away as the boy began to talk with his mother, their voices low and hushed. I didn’t want to be rude, so I focused my attention on the horses. But before I could fiddle with Edel’s bridle, Evan’s voice brought me back to the house.

“Oh, Captain Wolf! I want you to meet my mother.”

That was the last thing I wanted to do, but I didn’t want to come off as impolite. My parents had raised me better than that. With a deep breath, I made my way up the porch, putting on my best smile. My heart clenched when I realized her eyes were a bright shade of blue.

_Just like Ma’s._

“Mom, this is Captain Wolf. She’s the leader of the Elite Reconnaissance Squad. Captain, this is my mom.”

I gave her a nod, pressing my fist against my heart. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, ma’am. Your son has told me a lot about you and your husband. He’s an excellent soldier—you should be proud.”

I was surprised when I didn’t see any trace of hostility in those brilliant blue eyes. Instead, she gave me a sweet smile, throwing an arm around her blushing son’s shoulders.

“Thank you so much, captain! I’m Lisbeth. It’s a pleasure to meet you, as well.” She held out her hand, and I took it without hesitation. Her hand was warm and soft, just like Ma’s had been. “I can’t thank you enough for choosing Evan to be part of your squad. It’s all he’s ever talked about in the letters he sends us. He’s not causing you too much trouble, is he?”

“Oh no, nothing like that.” Judging by Evan’s pained face, he was on the verge of whining for his mother to stop gushing. “It’s an absolute privilege to have him on my squad.”

It was strange to have a civilian act so lovingly toward me, considering my occupation and all. Apart from family friends like Johanna and Hanji’s father back in Trost, I was often looked down upon because of my chosen military branch. Many parents saw the Scouts as suicidal maniacs, and as a result, they discouraged their children from pursuing a career among their ranks. Even before their deaths, Rosalie’s and Emmett’s parents were always wary of me and the reputation the Scouts had.

But Evan’s mother was different. I knew she had already lost a son to the Titans, but it didn’t seem like she discouraged her youngest one from joining up with the Scouts in the first place. Instead, she boasted about his strengths and gushed about his accomplishments, as if he was a schoolboy at the top of his class.

But I kept this to myself. I didn’t want to bring it up in front of her, especially when she was being so sweet to me. I didn’t want to ruin anything for either of us.

“By the way, what brings you here? It’s not often that the Scouts visit these parts…”

“Oh, I almost forgot!” Way to keep your composure, Wolf. “I have a request from the Commander, regarding your shop in Karanes District. There’s a royal ball in Mitras next month, and he wants the Scouts to invest in your business.”

Lisbeth’s eyes shone at the news. If I had to guess, their little shop didn’t get that much attention all at once. “Well, I would be honored! And I’m sure my husband would feel the same way. He’s currently out in town, but he’ll be back soon. The two of you can come inside and tell me all about it. Evan, why don’t you show Captain Wolf where we keep our horses?”

The boy nodded eagerly, nearly tripping over his own two feet as he raced to the barn.

|~|

Once Gus and Edel were cooled off and safely tucked inside the barn, Lisbeth brought us to the kitchen. Bruno flopped down underneath the table, right under Evan’s feet. Lisbeth gave us a sweet smile as she brought out a tray of tea and some biscuits. I didn’t miss the way Evan took two from the plate, sneaking one down to the dog below. I decided to keep my mouth shut; no need to tattle on him.

I explained the situation as clearly as I could. I told her how the Scouts would be willing to pay for a large shipment of formal outfits, and I offered the pouch of gold Erwin had given me the night before. Her jaw dropped at the sight of the gold. Apparently, the citizens of Wall Rose didn’t see that much in their lifetimes.

_Just like Shiganshina, I guess. If you don’t live in Mitras or anywhere in Wall Sina, you’re pretty much guaranteed to be struggling for money._

“We don’t need anything too fancy,” I added quickly once I told her the date of the ball. “But Commander Erwin would like for us to leave an impression on the nobles.”

“I see…” She nodded slowly, her eyes darting from me to Evan. “Well, I’m sure the two of us could get it done. I’ll just have to talk to my husband when he gets home, but I don’t think he’ll have any issue with it—”

The door suddenly creaked open, and an older man stepped inside. Lisbeth waved him over into the kitchen as soon as he came into view.

“Oh, here he is now!”

Evan nearly tripped over poor Bruno in order to get to his father. “Dad!”

Without missing a beat, the man swept him up in his arms, holding him as close as he could. Now that he was closer, I was able to get a better look at him. He had light brown hair and reddish-brown eyes, the same as Evan’s, with a scruffy beard around his lower face. He was dressed in a long-sleeved shirt and brown pants, along with a matching vest. His eyes were gentle as he gazed at his son, and when Lisbeth stood up to greet him, he pressed a soft kiss to her temple.

“I thought you might be home,” he said, ruffling Evan’s messy hair. “I saw two new horses in the barn when I put Prince away. How have you been, Ev?”

“Great, Dad! I love the Scouts! Oh, and this is Captain Wolf. She’s the one who picked me for the Elite Reconnaissance Squad!”

I stood up from my seat, giving the man a respectful salute. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Brose. I hope you don’t mind the sudden visit; we’re here on Survey Corps business, after all.”

“I don’t mind at all,” he said, giving my hand a warm shake. “Please, call me Matthias. My boy’s behaving himself, right?”

“Always,” I replied with a grin.

“That’s good to hear. Now, about this business of yours…”

|~|

Once Lisbeth had given him a quick recap, Matthias was more than happy to comply with our request. They were used to working with short deadlines, so they had no problem with the fact the ball was only a month away. We worked out a price and I gave them the gold coins, as a deposit on the order.

Before I knew it, it was noon, and the sun was at its peak. The four of us enjoyed a light lunch, which Lisbeth insisted on preparing for us, and more than once I caught Evan sneaking bits and pieces of his sandwich to the dog under the table. It wasn’t until we finished up our meal that Lisbeth caught him and gave him a disapproving glare. I had to bite back a laugh at that.

_Yeah, she’s just like Ma._

As Evan and Matthias headed for the barn to check up on the horses, Lisbeth led me to her little workshop, which was on the second floor of the house. She took me to a large, spacious room at the end of the hall, where she had bits of fabric strewn about. A black sewing machine was placed in the center, and the opened closet was filled with packaged dresses, suits, shirts, pants, and skirts. A few accessories, like ties and hair bows, were placed along the shelves in an orderly fashion. Despite its seemingly messy appearance, everything seemed to be where it should.

“This is where we do most of our work, captain,” she explained to me, motioning to the sewing machine. “Matthias designs the clothes, and I put them together. Once they’re all set to go, we drop them off at the shop and put them up for sale. Do you have any recommendations for the outfits you ordered? Any special designs or patterns?”

“Ah, no, not really! We’re not picky, I promise.” The fancy clothing they had decided to make for us would probably be the nicest thing any of the Scouts would be able to wear in their lives. I knew this from personal experience. “We’re fine with whatever you decide. We trust your judgement.”

She nodded before turning back to the worktable in the center, where different sheets of cloth and fabric were gathered on the surface. As she collected the needles on the table, she glanced at me from over her shoulder.

“Have you ever taken an interest in sewing, captain? I’m just curious.”

“Well… I know how to sew, but I never really continued with it. My mother used to do it all the time, though. She used to make me and my sister little dresses and all when we were younger.”

“That’s sweet!” She turned around to face me, the needles held carefully in her palm. “My mother was the one who taught me how to sew, as well. It’s quite relaxing, but sometimes I tend to get lost in it. More than once my husband has to pull me out of my trance if I’ve been working too long.”

That got us both to chuckle. “I understand. I can be like that, but with paperwork. But sewing is _a lot_ more fun than writing up reports.”

She giggled again, hiding her face in her free hand. “Well, if you’re interested, I have a few patterns for small projects. I would be happy to give them to you, if you’d like.”

I was going to refuse, but then I began to mull it over. Apart from reading and spending time with Levi and Hanji, I really didn’t have many things to keep me occupied in my free time. Sure, I still read through my father’s old journal whenever I felt lonely, and I skimmed through the books that my siblings and I used to read when we were in school. If I were to sew in my free time, at least I would have something to remind me of my mother.

“That’s very kind of you, ma’am. What kind of projects did you have in mind?”

She looked ecstatic as the words left my lips. Before I could blink, she held out a stack of papers, all with little patterns drawn on them. There were too many to count, but I liked a variety. At least I could choose something I would have fun doing.

There were hats, mittens, scarves, shirts, skirts, and even a few bandanas. They didn’t look too complex, thankfully. I didn’t want to attempt at anything that would eat up a lot of my time. I still had my duties, after all.

“They make good birthday gifts, as well,” Lisbeth said, pointing to a scarf pattern. “I can’t tell you how many scarves and hats Evan and Adrian got for their birthdays.”

I stiffened at the mention of Adrian’s name, but it didn’t seem to faze her. In fact, she didn’t seem at all bothered that she had just spoke the name of her dead son out loud. Didn’t it hurt her at all? I mean, I still had trouble saying Ben’s name, and he had been dead for over two years now. Surely the pain of losing a son was far greater than losing a brother, right? So why did she act as though nothing was wrong?

I didn’t want to upset her, so I kept my mouth shut. Instead, I focused on the patterns, choosing a few scarves and mittens to try back at home.

_Maybe I can make Hanji something for when it starts to snow. She’s always complaining about the cold, so I might as well help her do something about it._

My fingers froze on one particular pattern, sketched in faint black ink and shaded with white. It was a drawing of a cravat, with the instructions written neatly on the side.

 _Levi_ , I thought with a smile. _When did he say his birthday was? December 25 th, right? I think I can have it done before then._

“Do you mind if I take this one, as well?”

“Oh, not at all, dear! Go right ahead! I usually focus on the bigger projects anyway, so I’m glad someone’s taking them off my hands,” she chuckled, placing a hand on my shoulder.

In the end, I had at least ten patterns tucked away in my rucksack, including the one with the cravat. The two of us headed back downstairs, with Lisbeth leaving to tidy up the kitchen. But before she could do so, she suddenly gasped and raced back upstairs. She had accidentally left her apron upstairs.

I didn’t want to be a bother, so I lingered in the living room for a while. It was a quaint little area, with a comfortable sofa and a pair of armchairs on each side. Two bookcases were perched on either side, filled with sketchbooks and novels and guidebooks on sewing. A fireplace was in the far corner, with a few framed sketches placed up on the mantle. Each sketch was colored beautifully, with the artist’s initials marked in the corner. Karanes District was known for their talented artists, even more than the ones within Wall Sina.

I swallowed as my eyes landed on one sketch in particular: a young blond boy with a brown-haired one, with the taller boy’s arm slung around his shoulder. It didn’t take me long to realize it was Evan and his deceased brother.

I hadn’t known Adrian personally, but our squads used to train together when we were still cadets in the Survey Corps. He was quite gifted with his ODM gear, and he was a great team player. His comrades held nothing but respect for him, even at such a young age. He was always smiling and offering help to those who needed it.

_I’m sorry you’re no longer with us._

Just another name to add to the long list of the dead.

I barely heard the door of the house creak open, but when I did, I nearly jumped out of my skin. Matthias was standing at the edge of the living room, Evan and Bruno nowhere to be found. His eyes landed on me, and then the fireplace. With a sigh, he shook his head.

“Did you know him?”

 _He’s talking about Adrian_. “…Not personally, but he was a great soldier. He always wore a bright smile.”

I didn’t want to tell him his son had died with honor, because we both knew he hadn’t. Hanji could attest to that—she had watched him die with her own eyes. I didn’t want to anger him or cause him any more pain, so I simply kept my mouth shut.

He let out a humorless laugh, walking closer to the fireplace. “Evan cried like a baby when he left to join the Training Corps,” he whispered, trailing his fingers over the sketch. “Ever since then, he wanted to be just like his brother.”

My hands began to tremble at my sides. Why was he telling me all of this? Was this his way of telling me to keep Evan safe, so he didn’t have to live through the pain of losing another son?

“Sir, I promise you, I won’t let anything—”

“No disrespect, captain, but your words mean shit against the Titans.” I bit my lip, waiting for him to continue. “I’ve already lost one son to them, and I know I’m going to lose the other.”

“Sir, you don’t know that!”

How could he be so careless with regarding his own son’s life? Did he have so little faith in his skills that he didn’t even think he would make it home again? That was cruel! Wasn’t this the same man who had held Evan so tightly when he first came home, mussing up his hair and teasing him like a kid? Had that all been a façade?

He met my gaze, his reddish-brown irises sparkling with sadness. “I’ve accepted the fact my son may not return home. My wife hasn’t yet, but I have. I love my son dearly, but I’m not going to trick myself into believing he’s untouchable out there. I’m sure your parents did the same with you, when you were younger.”

Had they really thought that at one point? Had Dad accepted the fact I wouldn’t return home someday? Did Ma secretly know it in her heart that someday I would be slain by the Titans? Was I already dead in their eyes?

The thought made me sick to my stomach.

“I’m not asking you to protect him. I know you will already do that, to the best of your abilities. I know of your reputation, Captain Wolf. But I also know you can’t save every life you come across.”

Charles’ face flashed in my mind. Then Rosalie’s, the Emmett’s, and finally Adrian’s.

“All I’m asking is that you make sure my son didn’t die in vain. Make sure his death _means_ something, captain. When my boy dies, I don’t want to remember him as a faceless Scout. I want to remember him as a hero—a brave young man who followed his heart. Can you promise me that?”

It was a heartbreaking decision, but an admirable one, at least. While I didn’t agree with his stance, I could see where he was coming from. He had already lost one child to the fruitless battle against the Titans, and he didn’t want his youngest child’s memory to be washed away with the rest. He wanted his death to mean something, to have at least some sort of impact on our war as a whole.

But Evan won’t die. I won’t let him die.

“…I promise, sir. I’ll do my best to keep him safe. …And I’ll make sure his death isn’t in vain.”

He gave me a gentle smile, his face filled with pain. In that moment, it occurred to me just how old he and Lisbeth appeared to be. They were definitely older than my own parents had been, but the added stress and grief of losing a child and watching the other be sent off to war had taken their toll on them.

“Thank you, captain. I trust you will do the right thing.”

_I can only hope so, sir._

|~|

The rest of the day moved by in a rush. After an early dinner an hour before sunset, Evan and I tacked up our horses and began the trek home. The couple had promised to stay in touch and keep us updated on the status of our order. They said we could expect a shipment a few days before the ball.

Evan was mostly silent on the way home, burnt out from reuniting with his family. A lazy smile was plastered on the boy’s face as he urged Gus on, keeping his heels dug into his sides. His arms were covered with scratches from the dog; apparently Bruno got a little rough whenever they played. But he didn’t seem to mind.

The entire ride home, I kept thinking about what Matthias had said. A part of me still found it cruel that he had so little faith in his son to return home, but another part of me thought he was only being rational. He was still hurting from the loss of his eldest son, five years later. He knew it was likely the same thing would happen to Evan, and he wanted to save himself the pain of losing him in the future.

_Maybe Lisbeth hasn’t come to terms with it yet. Perhaps that’s why she’s unfazed by the mention of Adrian. Maybe it hasn’t registered for her yet that Evan could face the same fate._

But I knew that was a last resort. I would to everything in my power to make sure Evan returned home to his parents, end of story. His father didn’t have to worry anymore; his son was safe with me.

The sun was dipping below the horizon when we reached the base. After brushing down our horses and filling their water troughs, Evan was free to do as he liked. He instantly ran to the mess hall, where they were still serving dinner. No doubt he was off to tell Reggie, Gretel, and Murphy about the day he just had.

I gave Edel a kiss on the nose before heading towards the main castle. I knew I had to see Commander Erwin, but a large part of me wanted to see Levi first. I had told him I would be back before nightfall, after all. With a smile on my face, I took a little detour and headed for his office instead.

It only took a single knock to get him to open the door. He didn’t even ask who it was; he simply yanked open the door and pulled me inside. As he locked it behind me, I bit back a laugh. He was nuzzling the side of my neck, leaving light kisses on my skin.

“I missed you, too.” I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer. He merely hummed in response, still breathing in my scent.

“Took you long enough, brat,” he mumbled, his breath hot against my flesh.

Eventually, he raised his head from my neck and met my eyes. Those silver hues were almost a pale gray, with the shadow of blue shining faintly. He didn’t look depressed, but he definitely looked more exhausted than usual. I wondered whether or not he had gotten any rest at all while I was gone.

_Probably not, the stubborn bastard._

“Levi, I’d love to stay here and relax with you, but I have to go see Erwin.”

His lips were on my neck again, and before I knew it, a soft sigh slipped out from my mouth. “No way, Wolf. You can talk to him later. I’m not letting you out of my sight so soon.”

I knew there was no point in arguing, so I stayed silent and let him kiss my neck. Erwin could wait a little bit longer; right now, Levi needed me with him.

“I never thought you were the clingy type, Levi.”

“Shut up,” he muttered, his lips close to my ear. I only giggled and held him close, feeling his heart beat against mine.

_It’s good to be back home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really plan on having so much bonding time between Levi and Mia, but it just happened, so I left it in. While I like writing smutty scenes between them, I like to go back and write fluffy innocent moments, too. It reminds me of the earlier chapters of this story, when they were too stubborn to admit their feelings to each other. (Also, Levi gets clingy when he's left alone for too long, you can't change my mind.) 
> 
> I wanted to dedicate some chapters (or parts of them) to Mia bonding with her cadets. She's already had some one-on-one time with Gretel and Reggie, and now she's had some time with Evan. I don't personally agree with Evan's father's outlook on life and how he perceives his son to be, but I guess it makes sense. He's already lost one son and he's scared of losing his other. I can see where he's coming from, but like Mia, I think he's being a little cold. I don't know, that's just my opinion. I'm interested to see what you guys think! 
> 
> I'm going back to school in a couple of weeks, so updates may be less frequent than they are now. Also, I've been going through a little bit of a writer's block, and I ended up putting this story on hold so I could finish watching Demon Slayer with my brother (I have no regrets). I may have to put this story on another small hiatus, but I don't know yet. I'll have a better idea once I post next week's chapter, so I'll let you know then! Until then, stay safe and healthy, my dears! And thank you so much for reading! :)


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, similar to Ch. 40, I didn't expect this chapter to take the turn that it did. But overall, I'm very pleased with this one, and it has to be one of my favorite chapters I've written of this story so far! THIS CHAPTER DOES INCLUDE SMUT, SO READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION! Additional warnings are listed below. I hope you guys enjoy! 
> 
> Smut Warnings: suggestive language, dirty talk, oral sex (female receiving), overstimulation, vaginal sex, etc.

|XLIII|

The month had passed in the blink of an eye. Before we knew it, a collection of boxes had been delivered to the Survey Corps base, courtesy of Brose Boutique. The Scouts had spent the rest of the day fawning over the beautiful outfits Evan’s parents had sent us.

One box in particular had been delivered right to my office, thanks to Evan’s influence. With a blush on his face, he explained how his parents had designed a little something extra for me, to show their gratitude of accepting their son into my squad. Not wanting to be rude, I thanked Evan (and his parents) and accepted the package. Once I was alone in my office, I began to unwrap it.

A beautiful white dress stared back at me, with long ruffled sleeves that fell to my wrists, and a flowing skirt that reached to my knees. When I held it up to my body, I couldn’t help but sigh at the soft silky material. The neckline stretched down to the top of my chest, leaving my shoulders bare. There was also a red corset with white threads, and a red ribbon I could tie around my waist. Resting at the bottom of the box was a small piece of paper, written by Lisbeth herself.

_ Captain Wolf,  _

_ Just a little something my husband and I decided to make for you. I hope you will find it suitable for your dance this month. Thank you for keeping an eye on our boy!  _

_ With love, Lisbeth  _

It wasn’t as fancy or rich as the other dresses I had seen in Mitras, but I didn’t care in the slightest. It was a gorgeous dress, and I felt honored that Lisbeth and Matthias would take the time to design it for me. Now I just hoped I would be able to pull it off at the ball.

|~|

In order to prepare for the upcoming trip to the capital, Erwin had given the Scouts the day off. For once, the base was actually quiet. Hanji had left to visit her father in Trost, taking Moblit with her. Reggie had left with Murphy to visit his parents’ home in Krolva District, and Gretel had gone with Evan to his home in Karanes. Gunther had left for Trost to visit his family, as well, and Eld decided to head back to Krolva to see his girlfriend (which Evan had teased him mercilessly about before he had left himself). Only a handful of Scouts were present at the base that day—including myself and Levi.

I didn’t exactly have any plans, so I lingered in his office as he caught up on paperwork, flipping through the book I was currently reading. In the past, I had spent my days off visiting my mother in Shiganshina and wandering around the district I grew up in. But ever since her death a year prior, I had nowhere else to go whenever I had a free day. Sometimes I would join Hanji when she paid her father a visit, but I wasn’t in the mood to do so this time. I just wanted to be left alone to my own devices, mentally preparing for the next day.

It would be the first time I would see Leyna, and the thought of running into her again outright terrified me. The two of us hadn’t even written to each other since our fight the last time the Scouts were in Mitras. I remembered her wild blue eyes and sharp voice with a tremble.

_What if she doesn’t want to see me? What if she’s still mad at me? What if she doesn’t want to talk to me, or even acknowledge my presence? Does she know the Scouts are coming to Mitras tomorrow? She must, she’s part of the King’s Guard. They know everything that goes on in the city. Is she planning on apologizing for her behavior?_

No, that wasn’t the question I should have been asking. The real one was whether or not _I_ was planning on apologizing.

I didn’t like holding grudges for too long, even against someone as uptight and snooty as my sister. We always fought with each other when we were children, and it only worsened as she joined the Military Police, and I joined the Survey Corps. But despite this, I still loved her with all my heart. I still looked forward to seeing her beautiful face every time the Scouts had to visit the capital. She was the one good thing that came out of that entire wretched city.

She was my last living relative. If I lost her, I would have no other family left. I didn’t think I could bear to lose another sibling.

But I knew dwelling on these things would only bring me more stress and anxiety. It would all be taken care of tomorrow night, when the Scouts arrived at Mitras. Hopefully then Leyna and I would be able to sort out this whole mess between us.

With that in mind, I decided to enjoy the rest of my day off. I filed some paperwork and reorganized my desk, since it was getting a little messy. When I was finished, I started mulling over the various project sheets Lisbeth had given me over a month ago. I had already started on making a new cravat for Levi, but I wasn’t in a rush to finish it. I had until the end of the year to complete it, so there was no need to force myself to have it done in the near future. Besides, I wanted to take my time with it. The last thing I wanted was to make a mistake and start all over again.

But as hard as I tried, it was a little difficult to focus on whatever I decided to do. It was a hot day—possibly the hottest it had been all week—and the scorching sun was starting to get to me. In the hours leading up to dinner, I was sprawled out on the floor of my office, with each window torn open to let in the air. The heat had gotten so bad that I had to lounge around in nothing but my tank top and sleep shorts—thank the Walls I was the only one in my office at the time. But no matter what I did, I was still sweating buckets.

I knew the only way to really cool myself off was to go for a swim in the lake a few miles south of the base. But I didn’t want to visit it during the day, not with the sun still out. I had made that mistake years before. I would wait until nighttime, when the lake had cooled from the hot summer sun.

|~|

The base was still mostly empty by the time the sun set. It was weird to hear little to no chatter from the handful of Scouts occupying the mess hall, myself, Levi, and Erwin included. It was calming, but at the same time, I kind of missed Hanji’s incessant chatter, Mike’s strange sniffing habits, and Ness’ rough but warm voice. It just didn’t feel the same without them.

Finally, when I saw the lanterns dim in both the soldiers’ barracks and the Commander’s office from my spot in my office, I decided to make my move. I bolted toward my bedroom, nearly running into Levi in the process. He only stared at me with slanted eyes as I began to rummage through the drawers of my dresser.

“Who lit a fire under your ass, Wolf? You’ve been slacking off all day, and now you have a burst of energy?”

I shrugged my shoulders, picking out a clean pair of panties and a white bra from the top drawer. I kept them hidden against my chest, just so he wouldn’t see them. There was no way I was going down to the lake without a fresh change of clothes.

“I’m heading down to the lake for a swim. You want to come with?”

His eyes narrowed at the word _swim_. I wasn’t an idiot; I knew he probably had little to no experience in water, apart from showering every other day. As far as I knew, there were no lakes or rivers in the Underground, so I was doubtful he knew how to swim like I did. I had grown up around small ponds and rivers in Shiganshina, so it was only natural for me and my siblings to learn. Still, I would be more than willing to teach him, if he was interested.

“And you couldn’t do this earlier in the day?” he groaned, curling his lip in disgust.

“No, not in the hot sun! It’s better at night—the water’s much cooler now than it is during the day.”

He remained silent as I grabbed a spare towel from the top shelf of my closet. I didn’t need to bring my rucksack, since I didn’t have to carry much to begin with. Besides, it wasn’t a far walk to the lake; I could make it there by myself. No need to disturb Edel from his slumber, right?

“Come on, it’ll be fun, I promise!”

He rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. “Forget it, brat. I’m not wasting my time down there. Who knows what kind of shit is lurking down there at this time of night?”

I knew he was only trying to get me to stay, but I wasn’t going to fall into his trap. I was planning on winning this argument, just as I had won the argument about little Tobias over a month ago.

“Huh… I didn’t know you were scared of a few forest animals, captain.”

“I’m not.”

“Then what’s your problem? Why won’t you come with me?”

“I have better things to do than flail around in a fucking pool, Wolf.”

“Oh, come on!” I couldn’t help the whine that slipped into my voice. “You’ve been working all day! It’s time to relax, you know! Please, just do this for me?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“I said no, brat.”

“ _Pretty_ please?”

“What part of _no_ can you not get through your thick skull?”

The two of us stared at each other, the air thick with tension. Neither of us moved an inch, in fear of giving into the other.

“… _Please?!_ ”

Levi groaned, lifting a hand to his head. “Alright, fine, whatever! I’ll go with you if it means you’ll shut up for a change. But I am _not_ going anywhere near that disgusting lake.”

“That’s fine! Thanks, Levi!”

Of course, I was already forming a plan to get him to join me in the water once we reached the lake. One step at a time, right?

I leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. As I practically flew out of my room, I could hear him muttering under his breath.

“You’re such a fucking brat…”

|~|

The walk to the lake was calm and quiet. Thanks to the lack of soldiers at the base, I didn’t have to worry about getting caught leaving the main castle in the dead of night. The moon was already high in the sky, but not quite at its peak, with only half of its pale white body glowing in the darkness.

The lake itself was shrouded in trees, providing a sense of security for whoever decided to swim in it. I had visited it countless times before with Hanji, especially when we had first joined the Scouts. Once or twice we had accidentally walked in on a romantic rendezvous between two Scouts, so we made sure to visit either late in the day or early in the evening, just to avoid any trouble. But as we grew older, I began to come here without her, just to get away from the base for a little while. I still loved spending time with her, but the lake was a naturally quiet place—and having Hanji talk my ear off kind of defeated the purpose of coming here in the first place.

There was a small rickety dock at the edge of the water. In the past, this lake had been used to gather plants and hunt for small fish, but now that the Scouts had stationed their base here, it was used by the soldiers for little getaways. Luckily, it looked like Levi and I were the only ones out here tonight.

When we got to the dock, I placed my towel and fresh clothes on the edge, just out of reach from the dirt. “Turn around and don’t look,” I told him as I started unlacing my boots. He shrugged his shoulders and turned around, crossing his arms over his chest.

Even though I knew he wasn’t looking, my hands still trembled as I began unbuttoning my shirt. No matter how confident I had grown over the past few weeks, regarding our relationship, I was still nervous about exposing myself to him. I still didn’t want him to have to look at the scars on my back or the bruises on my thighs. He didn’t need to see all of that just yet.

_At least my bra straps will hide those burn marks from the ODM gear. I can’t say the same for my legs though…_

Oh well. I would just have to make sure he didn’t see me until I got in the water.

I dropped my shirt on the towel, watching it land in a pale green pool. My tank top was next, and finally my pants. I kept my eyes on Levi the entire time, relieved he made no move to turn around and look at me.

When I was left in just my bra and panties, I ran to the edge of the dock and leapt into the water. I had done this at least a thousand times before, especially when I was first learning to swim in the pond outside of Shiganshina District. Ben would always join me in jumping into the water, but Leyna would prefer to slowly step inside. She always glared at us if we decided to splash at her.

The water was the perfect blend of warm and cool on this hot summer night. It soothed my skin, pooling around my shoulders and kissing the nape of my neck. I kicked my legs slowly, keeping my head above the gentle waves. As I settled into the water, I could feel each and every one of my scars and bruises melt away; but I knew they would still be there the moment I got out. Still, in this moment, I couldn’t really care less. I was too relaxed to say anything about it.

There was no other way to describe it: this feeling was pure _bliss_.

But when I glanced back in the direction of the dock, I could see Levi glaring down at me, his arms still folded over his chest. His eyes were sharp and his teeth were bared. For some reason, he almost looked pissed at me.

_Well, when does he ever not look pissed at something?_

“Don’t fucking do that again, Wolf!”

I ran my hands through my wet hair, internally wincing as I realized I had left my little elastic band tied in. “What, you mean jump in the water? Forget that. I’ve done this countless times before, captain. I can handle it.”

He grumbled something under his breath, diverting his eyes from mine. I knew he was only commenting on how childish I was acting, but I didn’t care. I was having fun, and I wasn’t going to let a hard-ass like him ruin it for me.

With a huff, I kicked my legs out and swam further away from the dock. I leaned my head back and stared up at the sky, feeling the water pulse around my ears. Whenever I came out here alone, I would count the stars and clouds until I grew tired. It was a nice way to wind down after a particularly intense day of training.

But I knew I couldn’t focus tonight—not with Levi staring at me only five feet away.

So I straightened myself out, floating upright in the water. He was still standing on the edge of the dock, his eyes still glued to my form. A blush quickly rose to my face, and I lowered myself a little more in the water, just to hide my shoulders completely. I didn’t want him to see my bra straps yet.

“Why don’t you come in?”

He visibly jolted at the request, the muscles in his face relaxing ever so slightly. But his usual scowl returned just a moment later. “Absolutely not.”

“But _why_?” The whine from earlier was slipping back into my tone.

“Well, for starters,” he growled, his gaze pinning me in place, “it’s fucking filthy in there. Who knows what kind of shit is floating around in there? You know how many germs you’re probably picking up right now?”

 _By the Walls, what happened to him to make him such an obnoxious clean freak?_ “Oh, stop it already. If it wasn’t clean water I wouldn’t be swimming in it. And nothing’s floating around in here, I promise!” _Well, apart from a few minnows and plants deep below, but he doesn’t need to know that._

But Levi didn’t budge. “I hope you’re planning on showering after we get back to base.”

“I will, don’t worry. I always do. Now come on in, it’s fun in here!” I flicked my hand, splashing some of the water towards the dock. He grimaced as the droplets landed on the splintery wood, too close to his boots.

“I’m not playing in the water with you. What are you, five years old?”

_How rude!_

I puffed out my cheeks in a pout. I had him now; I knew just how much he hated pouting. “What are _you_ , huh? Don’t act like such a grumpy old man.”

“I’m not that old, brat.” But despite his impassive tone, the flash in his eyes did not go unnoticed.

I didn’t even bother to hide my smirk. I knew _exactly_ what to say to him now.

“Oh, you’re not? Then prove it,” I replied, inching closer to the dock. I kept my eyes on his, watching them slant as I placed my hands on the edge of the wood. “If you’re not _that old_ , as you say you are, then come swim with me.”

He quirked an eyebrow, taking a step back. “I told you no, Wolf.”

“Fine, then. Be that way, _old man_.” I knew he was only thirty or so, but it was too fun riling him up like this. Apparently he didn’t like being called out for his age.

With a small smile, I wondered if Isabel had ever made fun of him for his age when she was still alive. She probably did; that sounded like something she would do.

But my confidence suddenly shattered as he shrugged off his jacket, tossing it over to the edge of the dock, where my own clothes were resting. I could only stare open-mouthed as he kicked off his boots and unbuttoned his shirt, exposing the toned chest underneath. I tried to speak, but the words only lodged themselves in my throat—especially when he began unbuckling his belt.

“You’re such a fucking stubborn brat, you know?”

Even though I was in the water, I began to feel myself heat up at his words. And when he slipped out of his pants, leaving himself in just those tight black boxers I loved so much, I was certain my face would burn itself off.

But he didn’t jump in like I thought he would. Instead, he crouched down at the edge of the dock, leaning his face into mine. I swallowed hard as his breath fanned along my face. Suddenly, my grip on the dock didn’t seem so secure.

“W-what are you waiting for? Get in already.”

“ _Make_ me.”

His words stirred a memory inside my mind: our night back in Skoll Castle, when I had said the same thing to him after begging him to tell me a story about his past. At the time, I hadn’t meant for it to sound so seductive. But the same couldn’t be said about Levi in this particular moment.

“What do you want, huh? You want me to get on my knees for you when we get back to base?” I wasn’t opposed to the idea; it had been a little over a week since our last encounter, and I was starting to miss the feeling of having him so close to me.

But he shook his head, which made me frown. Before I could speak, he leaned towards my ear, his voice sending shivers along my arms and legs.

“I’d rather be on my knees for _you_ , sweetheart.”

A pathetic squeak filled the air, and I nearly lost my grip on the dock altogether. I pulled away from his face, turning my head to the side and chewing on my bottom lip. When I raised my free hand up to my cheek, I wasn’t surprised to feel it burning.

“S-s-stop that! You don’t…you don’t mean that…”

“Of course I do,” he replied smugly, reaching over and tracing the scar on my cheek with his thumb. “You do it all the time for me, so why can’t I return the favor?”

“Cut it out!”

I slapped my hand over his mouth, desperate to shut him up. I didn’t want to hear any of this! I didn’t want to think about Levi pleasuring me in the same way I pleasured him. It was different when I did it to him, since I didn’t have to worry about myself or my body all that much.

But if he were to see that side of me… If he were to see my arms, my legs, my chest, my thighs… I knew there would only be disappointment in his eyes once he saw them and the marks they bore, and I didn’t want to see that.

I shuddered as his silver eyes burned into mine, his hand reaching up and closing it over my wrist. He was waiting for an explanation to my behavior, and I knew he wouldn’t let up until I gave him one.

_But what do I even say to him? How can I explain that to him?_

With a hard swallow, I tore my eyes from his and focused on the water pooling at my chest. “…You shouldn’t have to, you know…see any of… _that_ …”

I bit back a wince as he pulled my hand away from his mouth. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him glaring at me, his face scrunched up in disgust.

“What are you talking about, Wolf?” I kept my lips sealed, my face growing hotter by the second. I could see his eyes slanting as he realized what I was so worried about. “What, you’re scared I won’t like the way you look?”

“N-no!” _Yes_. “It’s just… I-I have too many bruises and shit—no one needs to see those! And I don’t think you want to, either!”

“Bullshit,” he spat, releasing my wrist and scooting away from me on the dock. “You think I give a fuck about all that? Have you seen me, you brat? I probably have more scars than you do, and I don’t let it stop me.”

I held my bottom lip between my teeth, still staring at the water around me. My eyes burned with fresh tears, threatening to spill at any moment. Suddenly, I felt like a child again, shamefully slinking off to see my mother after I tore one of my many dresses. I had ruined one too many of them over the years, always ripping them whenever I fell from the huge tree in our backyard in Shiganshina.

I probably still had some of those scars to this day.

“…It’s different—”

“Quit talking out of your ass already,” he snarled, jerking my head up to face him. My lip trembled between my teeth as he pushed a strand of my wet hair away from my forehead. “I don’t give a shit about any of that, and you know it. No matter what you look like, I won’t mind at all. If I was actually bothered by scars and bruises, I would have gone after one of those high-born women.”

Well, he _did_ have a point. He was a rather handsome man himself, and he could have easily won the heart of any woman he desired. He could have set his sights on one of the rich noblewomen within Wall Sina, or a gentle civilian behind Wall Rose. But instead, he chose to be with me—an average, plain-looking soldier with more scars than years she had been alive.

“…You really mean that?”

“Tch, of course I do. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

I swallowed again, dropping my eyes to the water once more. My heart was about to burst from my chest, and my lungs felt like they would explode. No matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to calm myself.

_Well, I guess that’s that. Now is as good a time to show him what I’ve been hiding from him, right? At least now I know he won’t judge me._

With a shaky breath, I glanced up at the moon. It was partially hidden by the thick clouds, making it seem darker than it actually was. At least every mark wouldn’t be visible if I showed him now.

“…Fine. Move over.”

His eyebrows furrowed, but he complied with my wishes. I took in another deep breath before gripping the edge of the dock with both hands. As soon as he moved out of my way, I hoisted myself up and onto the wood, still dripping from the water. My teeth were starting to chatter—the air was colder than I remembered—but I locked my jaw and held them in place.

I sat back on my heels, my hands curled into fists on my lap. There was no going back now; he was seeing everything I had to offer. Even though I still had my bra and panties on, I knew they were absolutely soaked and most likely see-through. I fought the urge to cross my arms over my chest; I had to do this. He had to see what I had been hiding from him all this time.

Thick drops of water slid from my hair and down my back, making me shiver in the cool night air. I was tempted to retrieve my towel, but I held my ground. I wouldn’t move until I was certain he knew this was what I had to offer to him.

When I had finally gathered enough courage, I tilted my head and met his gaze.

His silver eyes trailed up and over my thighs, as well as the discolored bruises painting my skin. He lingered on my panties, but not for too long; _that_ was another obstacle to save for another time. Instead, he looked at my stomach, taking in each cut and scar engraved into my flesh. He followed the burn marks left from the straps of my ODM gear, draping across the top of my chest and around my shoulders. Finally, his eyes found my own, and my fists began to tremble even harder than before. 

“…Well?” My voice was meek and strained; I felt ashamed hearing it come out of my own mouth. “…Say something already…”

But I was terrified of what he might actually say.

He remained silent, but he inched closer to my body on the dock. My breath hitched in my throat as his knee brushed against mine. I was expecting him to grimace at the wetness on my skin, but he did no such thing.

I swallowed hard. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Was he having second thoughts about my body? Did he actually not care for it as much as he thought he would? Did he regret convincing me to show it to him, especially when we were so early into this little relationship of ours?

_Maybe I should have just stayed in the water…_

I sucked in a sharp breath as he cupped my face between his hands. His breath was fanning across my face, the faint scent of black tea and mint warming my cheeks. I wanted to shy away from him, but I couldn’t find the strength to pull away.

“What are you so scared of, kid?” His voice was soft and gentle, and my chest grew hot when I realized I would probably be the only one he spoke to like this. “You’re…you’re fucking _beautiful_.”

_…What?_

I couldn’t have heard him right. No one had ever called me that in my entire life, apart from my own parents and maybe my siblings—and maybe Hanji once in a while. But _never_ in a romantic sense, as he was suggesting.

But no. The word had definitely left his lips, and he was unashamed of it. He had said it out loud, with a straight face, with his eyes locked on mine. He didn’t give out compliments like this very often— _that_ was how I knew he was telling the truth.

“…Even with all these scars?”

“ _Especially_ with all these scars, brat.”

I let out a short laugh, wiping my eyes with my hands. I didn’t have any reason to cry, not now. Not after hearing his little confession.

Without another thought, I flew into his arms, pressing my mouth against his. He propped himself up from behind with one hand, to make sure he wouldn’t topple over, while his other rested on the small of my back. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, tracing his tongue with mine, and savoring the taste of tea that bathed his mouth.

He was being so gentle, so considerate with me right now. He didn’t have to do that for me, but he did anyway. He could have easily treated me with the same kind of coldness he treated everyone else with, but he didn’t. Instead, he made an effort to be soft and kind to me, to pick me up whenever I needed him to. Whenever we were alone, he was like a totally different person—but at the same time, I knew he was the same Levi I had fallen in love with all those years ago.

Suddenly, he winced and straightened himself up, still holding me close. He pulled his hand away from the wood, glaring at his palm. There was a small jagged splinter embedded in his skin; I cringed as he plucked it out without a problem, tossing it into the grass behind us.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine. I’d just prefer not to get any more splinters in my ass.”

I stifled a laugh before motioning him over to follow me. I crawled over to the edge of the dock, taking a seat with my legs dangling in the water. I gave him a smile as I patted the area beside me.

“It’s not too rough right here. Come sit with me.”

He rolled his eyes, but he didn’t hesitate to join me. A few seconds later, he was sitting next to me on the edge of the dock, with his legs thrown over the side. I leaned over and placed my head on his shoulder, nuzzling my face into the crook of his neck.

He shivered and moved away slightly, placing his hand on his thigh. “Cut it out. You’re soaking wet, sweetheart.”

_In more ways than one, captain._

His little speech about my scars and his admission of calling me beautiful had struck a nerve inside me. While all my insecurities hadn’t vanished completely on the spot, they were a little more bearable now. I started to feel confident in myself, and the longer I sat next to him, in nothing but my bra and panties, the more excited I began to get. With a shy smile, I wondered if he would be interested in doing anything with me once we returned to the base.

“It’s only fair,” I replied, nudging his arm with my elbow. “You still haven’t gotten in the water. I’m still waiting for you to get in.”

He groaned, rubbing his temples with his fingers. “You’re still stuck on that, aren’t you?”

“Of course! Why wouldn’t I be? You said it yourself—I’m a stubborn brat.”

He shook his head, his lips pulling up into a smirk. “So you _do_ listen to me after all,” he muttered in that baritone voice of his.

“Yeah, I do. And I’m not letting this go, so don’t even think about changing the subject.” To add insult to injury, I crossed my arms and stuck out my lip in a pout. I was sure to get a reaction out of him now.

But the reaction I got wasn’t the one I had been expecting. Instead of flicking my forehead or groaning at me to stop pouting, he leaned in and placed his lips on my neck, right below my left ear. I swallowed hard as he started sucking on the skin; my heart fluttered as I thought of the mark I would have tomorrow morning.

“Are you sure this won’t change your mind?” he murmured, his hot breath clouding over my neck. I gasped as he nipped my skin again, just below my jawline. “Well, at least you’ve shut up for the time being.”

_We’ll see about that._

“Don’t sell me short, sir.” I didn’t miss how the muscles in his shoulders tensed up at the title. “Once I set my mind on something, it’s almost impossible for me to change it.”

He hummed softly, the vibrations joining the shivers on my skin. Without thinking, I curled my hands up and around his shoulders, pulling him close to me. A soft moan flew past my lips as he sucked on another spot on my neck, this one closer to my collarbone.

“I still want you to get in the water,” I hissed, already feeling another moan bubble up in my throat. “You know how to swim, right?”

“Perhaps,” he breathed, giving me a sharp nip on my shoulder. “It’s not the first time I’ve been to this lake.”

“That’s good to know.”

As soon as he pulled away from my neck, I gave him a hard shove. There was a grunt and a splash—and suddenly, I was facing the wrath of a _very_ pissed off Captain Levi, as he shook the water out of his hair. Despite his menacing look, which would have terrified any other soldier to their core, I couldn’t stop myself from giggling.

“I’m sorry,” I managed to say through my laughter, “I couldn’t help myself!”

He only glared at me, his arms gently moving in the waves to keep his head above the water. I knew I would probably pay for that later, but right now, I couldn’t care less.

“You think that’s funny, don’t you?”

“Well, yeah! You don’t?” I was trying so hard to stop myself from laughing, but I was failing miserably. “Come on, it’s not that bad! Besides, you’re doing a pretty good job of keeping your head above water.”

He scoffed again, pushing his wet hair out of his face. He looked incredibly alluring, with his black bangs slicked back against his forehead. His silver eyes were as sharp as ever, and his skin almost glowed in what little light the moon gave us from between the clouds. Honestly, I could stare at him forever and never get tired of it.

“We’ll see how _you_ like it, you little brat.”

Before I could even comprehend what he was implying, he had wrapped his hands around my legs and tugged hard. I squeaked as he tugged me into the water, flailing my arms in order to regain myself. But just when I poked my head above the water, I felt a pair of strong arms curl themselves around my waist from behind, pulling me into a warm, solid chest.

“Not so fun now, is it?” Levi hissed in my ear, the smirk evident in his voice. But before I had a chance to answer, he began running his hands along my bare sides, leaving feathery touches in his wake.

I couldn’t stop laughing as he continued to tickle me, the two of us splashing around like children in the water. The more I tried to free myself from his grasp, the tighter his arms wound around me. I writhed around in his arms, desperately trying to escape his merciless tickling.

“Levi, stop! I’m sorry, okay?! Quit it already!” But my words were punctuated by high-pitched giggles, so it was no wonder he didn’t take them seriously.

Although I was fighting against him on the outside, I was absolutely elated on the inside. This was the first time he had ever acted so openly playful around me. Usually his playfulness was subtle and contained, translating into soft flicks to my forehead and childish insults thrown back at each other. But now, he wasn’t hiding anything. He was showing me a different side of him—a side that actually knew how to have fun.

And I was loving every single minute of it.

Finally, his hands came to a stop at my waist, giving me a moment to catch my breath. As I panted heavily, he shifted me around in his arms, pressing my chest to his. I stole a glance up at his face, and my lips strung up into another huge smile at what I saw before me.

“You’re smiling again.” He raised an eyebrow, his lips lowering ever so slightly. “…What? I told you, it looks nice on you. It makes you look even more handsome.”

He rolled his eyes, tugging me closer to his chest. Despite the cool water around our bodies, his skin was as warm as ever. “You’re purposely trying to get me all worked up tonight, aren’t you?”

I shrugged my shoulders before leaning forward, pressing my forehead against his own. I hid another smile when he didn’t pull away or freeze at the contact. “I don’t mean to… But is it working?”

“It might be.”

He reached over and gave me another kiss, his lips melding with mine. I hummed into his mouth, carding my fingers through the wet black locks on his head. His hands slid up my back and rested between my shoulder blades, his fingertips grazing the edge of my bra.

When he pulled away, I knew what was coming; I saw the way his eyes locked onto my throat. But before he could move, I leaned over and pressed my lips to his neck, lightly sucking at the skin on the left side. He groaned softly, his hands tightening around my body as I nipped a special section of his neck. Apparently I had found his sweet spot.

“Didn’t think you had it in you, brat,” he moaned as I pulled away, admiring my work. The left side of his neck now bore a bright red mark that would surely linger for a few days.

“You’re not the only one who can leave love bites, you know.”

“Tch, I guess not.”

He tilted my head and pulled me in again, his tongue tracing over my lip. I groaned as I allowed him inside my mouth, gripping his hair every time his tongue brushed against my own. This kiss was much more intense than the previous ones, but I didn’t care. My whole body was burning with need, and the water around me did nothing to help cool me down.

_Fuck, I want him. I want him so badly it hurts. But I still don’t trust myself to have sex with him… What if I lose control of myself and start panicking? That’ll ruin the mood for both of us, I’m sure of it._

I gasped as his knee found its way in between my legs, pushing up and nestling in between my thighs. With a tight swallow, I gripped his shoulders hard and bucked my hips into his bare knee, moaning at the contact. Before my eyes fluttered shut, I could see a dangerous glint in his silver eyes.

His lips were on my throat in a flash, sucking and nipping and licking. My hands found their way back to his hair, tugging at the strands with every bite. I kept grinding myself into his knee, wrapping my legs around his waist and moaning at the friction. In response, he lifted it even higher, brushing it against my clothed clit.

“Ah!”

I squeezed his shoulders tightly, breathing hard at the contact. I wanted to keep going, to see how this would all play out, but I knew we couldn’t continue this in the middle of the lake. While it was cleaner than most bodies of water within the Walls, it was definitely not a suitable location for having sex.

_Wait, is that what’s going to happen between us? Are we really going to do that tonight?_

I shook my head internally. No, I couldn’t be certain. I would just see how far I was willing to go for tonight. I was sure Levi would understand. After all, he had agreed to move at a slower pace for me.

He gave me a final kiss on my lips before pulling away and meeting my gaze, silver into amber. “We should get back. I know you don’t want to stop, and I don’t either, but you deserve better than some shitty lake for this.”

_What is he getting at? Is he implying we’re going to actually go all the way once we get back to base? Will I be ready before then? Will I be able to tell him when I want him to stop? Or will I freeze up again like I did last time?_

I only nodded, giving him a quick peck on his cheek. With his help, I pulled myself back up onto the dock and began walking towards our little pile of clothes. It was a little difficult to dry off with only one towel, but we managed to make it work. Once we were dry—for the most part—and back in our regular clothes, the two of us began our trek back to the base.

Throughout the entire walk back, I couldn’t get my mind off of what had almost transpired between us in the lake. I had willingly shown him my body—most of it, anyway—and I didn’t shy away when he wanted to take things further. Was I finally becoming comfortable in my own skin around him? Would I finally be able to let him pleasure me in the same ways I always pleasured him? It was a promising thought, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high. I didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment, like I had done countless times in the past.

Still, the thought of losing my virginity to Levi gave me a thrill. While I was terrified, I was equally ecstatic. It had been hanging over me for too long, like a label I couldn’t get rid of, no matter how hard I tried. But if I had the chance to give it to someone I truly cared about, someone I wouldn’t regret giving it to, I would do it without question.

Now I just had to trust myself I could handle the pressure, and everything would work itself out.

“We should shower first,” he said in a hushed voice as we entered the main castle. “You can use my room, if you want. Just make sure you get what you need from yours.”

I nodded, not even bothering to hide my smile. Using Levi’s shower in the dead of night? Sign me up, please.

He walked me to my room first, where I grabbed a change of fresh clothes and my pajamas. I didn’t have to worry about getting another towel, since Levi had plenty of them back at his room. Once I was all set, he led me back to his room.

I told him he could take the first shower, since I knew how uncomfortable he was in wet clothes. Besides, he had told me once before he took extremely quick showers, so I knew I wouldn’t have to wait long. So I lingered in his bedroom as he left to clean himself up, after he told me not to sit anywhere on the bed just yet.

_Shit, am I really ready to do this? Am I ready to have sex with him for real this time? What if I’m no good at it? What if I’m supposed to do something and I don’t know what it is? Am I supposed to look a certain way down there?_

I mean, I always kept myself clean and orderly, but I couldn’t help but feel nervous. What if he didn’t like how I looked? What if something went wrong and I didn’t even know about it? What if he decided at the last minute he didn’t want to carry on with it? No, scratch that—what if _I_ decided that at the last minute?! That was the more plausible outcome. Would he be angry at me for leading him on?

The door to the bathroom opened in three minutes flat, revealing Levi with a towel wrapped around his waist. I chewed on my bottom lip as I made my way past him, desperately trying to keep my eyes off of his abdomen. Once I was finally in the bathroom, with the door locked behind me, I let out a quiet sigh of relief.

Who knew looking forward to sex took so much energy out of you?

I placed my pajamas on the counter before peeling off my wet clothes and pulling the elastic band out of my damp hair. As I stepped underneath the shower, I glanced at the bottles of shampoo and soap on the shelf in the corner. I quirked an eyebrow as I took the one that was marked with a light pine scent. Sure, they were meant for men, but I couldn’t resist using something that would make me smell like Levi.

The warm water seemed to calm my nerves a bit. As I lathered up my hair, I realized I had nothing to worry about. Levi would never hurt me intentionally, and if he knew I was uncomfortable, he would stop right away. He didn’t like to admit it, but he could be really sweet sometimes. I knew I was safe as long as I was with him.

Once I rinsed out my hair and washed my body with the bar of soap on the shelf, I flicked off the water and squeezed the water out of my hair. I dried myself off and dressed in my pajamas, not even bothering to put on a bra. What’s the use if it’s just going to come off anyway?

When my hair was brushed and free of any snarls, opened the door and stepped out of the bathroom. Levi was seated on the edge of the bed, dressed in a fresh pair of white pants and a gray button-down shirt. I smiled as he dried his hair with a towel. It was kind of cute, watching the black strands fly in every other direction.

My heart froze in my chest as his eyes landed on me. There was a certain hunger in his gaze, especially when he glanced at my chest. It was pretty obvious I wasn’t wearing a bra, but honestly, I couldn’t find it in myself to care.

“Don’t you have any pajamas? Why do you need to get all dressed up?”

He shrugged, a lazy smirk already on his face. “It’s a habit at this point, sweetheart. Besides, it’ll be more fun watching you take it off me.”

_Well, don’t mind if I do…_

In two seconds flat, I had crossed the room and placed myself on his lap, crushing my mouth against his. He hummed against my lips before pulling away, raising his eyebrow.

“…Did you use my shampoo?”

“Maybe,” I replied a bit cheekily. “I like how it smells—it reminds me of you.”

He nodded before capturing my lips in another sweet kiss. But while his mouth was sweet, his hands certainly were not. Shivers raced up my arms and legs as he trailed his fingers along my lower back, dipping just beneath the fabric of my sleep shirt. I gasped against his mouth as he tickled the small of my back, which only made him smirk.

Suddenly, his hands were around my waist, and he shifted us on the bed below. I found myself against the pillows, gazing up at him as he hovered above me. My cheeks bloomed with heat as he fixed his silver gaze on me, ghosting his hand up and down my cheek.

“You know I won’t hurt you, right?” I gave him a nod, but my amber eyes remained wide and alert. “And you trust me, right?”

Of course I did. I nodded without hesitation.

“I need to hear you say it, sweetheart.”

His eyes were desperate with need, but his hands stayed where they were. He had an incredible amount of self-control, and he seemed to be aware of it. He knew he could easily turn the tables and make me submit to his demands, but he decided against it. Just like that fateful day in his office, he was leaving the choice up to me.

“I trust you, Levi,” I whispered against his lips, “with my life.”

He nodded, pressing a chaste kiss to my mouth. “I want to try something,” he whispered in a low voice, pulling himself away from me. “If you want me to stop, let me know.”

My heart raced with anticipation. What did he have in mind? What was he planning to do?

I let out a sigh as he kissed the side of my neck gently, pressing soothing touches to the bites he had given me earlier. I sucked in a sharp breath as I felt his fingers hook on the waistband of my sleep shorts, but I made no move to stop him.

_No, you’ve got this. You can handle this, Wolf. He won’t hurt you, he promised._

As slowly as he could, he began to pull my shorts down. Soon enough, he was pulling them off my ankles and dropping them to the floor next to the bed. His eyes latched onto my panties, that same hungry light still evident in his hues.

_I trust him. I can do this._

Only when I gave him a nod did he start moving again. His fingers looped around the edge of my panties, pulling them down to my ankles and dropping them to the floor, as well. My heart was racing, but I forced myself to stay still. This wasn’t so bad so far, right?

Yeah, I could get used to this. I just had to relax and let him do his work.

My face flushed a deep scarlet as he lowered his face to my sex, his eyes trailing over the slick pink flesh. I propped myself up on my elbows, watching his every move. I searched for any sign of disgust or disappointment, but I found no such thing on his face. Instead, he stared up into my eyes, the corner of his lip twitching up ever so slightly.

“You’re beautiful, Mia.” With that, he pressed a soft kiss to the small patch of hair above my clit.

I let out a nervous laugh, desperately wishing for the blood to leave my cheeks. But before I could respond, his head disappeared between my thighs.

_Wait a minute, what is he—?_

I nearly squealed as something warm and wet grazed along my folds. I realized only a second later that it was his tongue, and before I could pull away, his arms wrapped around my thighs and held me in place. I laid there panting, utterly helpless as his tongue prodded at my opening.

_Fuck, what is he doing?! I don’t remember the girls telling me about this! What the fuck is he doing?!_

He gave me another long lick, slowly tracing his tongue from the bottom to the top. When he reached my clit, he gave it a soft lick before moving down and repeating the process again. With every stroke of his tongue, I could feel the wetness between my folds spread further and further around my sex.

It felt so weird and different, but at the same time…it felt _good_. I was no stranger to pleasuring myself whenever I was alone, but this was something completely new to me. Not once had I ever heard of a man pleasuring a woman with his mouth in the same way she often pleasured him. The thought had never crossed my mind, even in my conversation with Vivienne and Elise back in Mitras.

_Where did he learn this? Is it something he picked up in the Underground City? Do other men know how to do this? Or is he the only one?_

_And why does it feel **so fucking good**? _

I moaned a bit too loudly as he latched himself onto my clit, sucking on it gently and flicking it with his tongue. For a moment, I was glad the base was practically empty; I didn’t need unwelcome ears listening in on the two of us.

On instinct, I reached down and fisted my hands in his hair, bringing him as close as I could. I was in a state of absolute bliss, and I was _not_ going to let him move away from me any time soon.

“Fuck,” I whined, already feeling the familiar coil wind itself in the base of my stomach. “Fuck, fuck, _fuck_ —” I gasped as he bit gently on my clit, every single one of my nerves on fire. “Levi—ah!”

He chuckled against my sex, sending vibrations along my skin. He pulled away just for a moment, smirking up at my writhing form.

“I didn’t know you had such a dirty little mouth, sweetheart.” He swiped his tongue through my juices again, earning another strangled moan from me. “You taste so fucking good, Mia. Just like I knew you would.”

He pulled his arms away from my thighs, draping one of them across my waist. I barely had time to think before I felt his fingers rubbing at my slick entrance, spreading my juices along his skin.

I whimpered again, already missing his mouth on me. “L-Levi—”

“Hm? You say something, sweetheart?” He gave me a knowing smirk as he collected my wetness on his fingers, teasingly brushing against my entrance. “What do you want from me?”

_Please, don’t make me say it. You know what I want._

My mind was nothing but a hazy mess at this point. I knew I couldn’t talk coherently or anything like that. I had been resorted to a moaning mess beneath him, and he was loving every second of it.

“Tell me what you want, Mia.” He blew a gentle puff of air on my clit, sending shivers down my spine.

_I guess I don’t have a choice, do I?_

I swallowed hard and tilted my head, meeting his smug silvery gaze. “I…I want your mouth on me.”

“Is that all?” he asked teasingly, lowering his mouth to my clit.

“…And I want…your fingers inside of me…”

He stifled a laugh, shaking his head. “Sweetheart, all you had to do was ask.”

He slid a finger inside, eliciting a sharp cry from my lips. His fingers felt vastly different than my own; they were longer and a bit thicker, reaching even further than I could ever reach with my own. I barely had time to adjust before he added another finger, pumping them both in and out of my sex. At the same time, he began sucking on my clit once again, his movements much sharper than his previous ones.

It didn’t take long before I was completely at his mercy, desperately trying to buck my hips up and into his mouth. However, the arm that was laid across my waist kept me in place, as he pounded his fingers into me. He curled them in a “come hither” motion, hitting that special spot inside me that made me see stars. All the while, his lips stayed wrapped around my clit, sucking on it as hard as he could.

“Levi, please—oh God, _please_ —”

My breath came out in short pants, and my fingers were turning white in his hair. It all felt so fucking good, but I knew I couldn’t last. I was rapidly reaching my peak, the coil in my stomach tightening with each stroke of his hand.

I squeezed my thighs around his head, which only encouraged him to go faster. I whimpered and moaned at his touch, burying my fingers deeper into his hair.

“Ah—Levi!”

Pure white exploded behind my eyes as the coil snapped in my stomach. A flood of warmth gushed from my core, which he eagerly lapped up. I chanted his name in between heavy breaths, like it was the only word I knew. My whole body was tingling, and my legs and arms felt numb. I was exhausted.

But just as I closed my eyes, I felt his mouth on me again. Still keeping his fingers inside me, he began pumping them into me again before returning to my clit. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I was already sensitive—I knew I wouldn’t last long.

“Levi,” I whimpered, trying to break away from his hold. But his grip on me was too strong, and he pushed me into the bed with his arm, still curling his fingers into my heat.

I gasped over and over again, still worn out from my previous orgasm. What was he trying to do?! Was he trying to make me come again? I didn’t think I had it in me! I was too tired, I didn’t have the strength to do anything at this point!

“I-I can’t—”

“You can,” he growled against my clit, “and you _will_.”

His commanding tone made my whole body flush a bright red shade. I snapped my mouth shut and leaned back against the pillows, silently taking this beautiful treatment. I stared up at the ceiling, whimpering as he kept sucking on my clit.

_Fuck, I can’t take it anymore! I’m gonna—_

“ _Levi_!”

I screamed out his name as my second orgasm of the night hit, another flash of white flooding my vision. This one was much more intense than the first, and it left my body quaking on the bed. Through my trembling, I could still feel him lapping up my juices from between my thighs. I moaned as he slid his fingers out from my sex, dipping them into his mouth and catching every last drop.

I fought to catch my breath, with my legs still open beneath me. I gazed up at the man before me, still amazed at how he had managed to please me with just his mouth. Once we were finished, he had to tell me where he had picked that up.

But we weren’t done. Not by a long shot.

His eyes widened just a bit as I sat up on the bed, my juices still warm on my thighs. With a huff, I pulled my shirt up and over my head, exposing my naked breasts. Now, I was fully exposed to him—and I could tell by his open mouth he wasn’t expecting it in the slightest.

His throat bobbed as he swallowed hard. “Mia, what—”

“I want this,” I answered at once, feeling a bit more confident in myself. “I want _you_.”

He was trying to hold himself back, I could see it in his eyes. But one glance down at his crotch told me he wanted this just as much as I did. He stiffened as I reached over and palmed his cock through his pants, already wondering how it would feel inside me.

I wasn’t scared anymore. I knew I could handle it. I trusted him, and he trusted me. I knew he would be gentle, so I had nothing to fear. I was willing to give up this part of myself to him, and I wanted him to do the same for me. I wanted him to surrender to me just as I would to him.

“Are you sure?” He leaned over my body again, pressing me back down into the pillows. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“I’m sure, I want this.” I kissed his cheek as a sign of reassurance, giving him a small smile. “If it’s you, Levi, then I want this. I want you to take me.”

Apparently, that was all the conformation he needed to hear.

Although my hands were shaking, I managed to unclasp the first few buttons on his shirt. Thankfully, he took over the rest, allowing me to lay back on the pillows to catch my breath. I was still pretty worn out from what he had just put me through.

But I still wanted this. I still wanted to feel him inside of me.

Once his shirt was off and on the floor, he turned to his pants. He didn’t bother to put on a belt, so he only had to unbutton them and slide them down. My mouth watered as I stared at the outline of his cock through those tight black boxers, hard and angry and ready to go. I swallowed hard as he slid them down to his ankles, tossing them on the floor with the rest of our clothes.

Now, the two of us were stark naked, breathing heavily and staring into each other’s eyes. I took in the sight of his body, drinking in every scar and bruise on his skin. I raised my hands and cupped his face, holding him above me. He was beautiful, so fucking beautiful—and he was all mine.

“I love you.”

His eyes went wide, but he didn’t pull away from me. He also didn’t say it back at first. But I only shook my head, giving him a small smile.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say it back. I know how you work by now, captain.”

He nodded, his silver eyes shining with gratitude. I knew how hard it was for him to convey his emotions through words, so instead I waited for him to do it through his actions. He was more comfortable that way, and whatever made him feel at ease was fine with me.

He leaned down and kissed my lips sweetly, his hands running down to my waist. I reached down and took his cock in my hand, earning a hiss from him. I gave it a few gentle pumps, blushing as I felt it harden in my grasp. But before I could angle it toward me, he tilted my chin up with his thumb and forefinger, his breath clouding over my face.

“Last chance, Mia. Are you sure you want this?”

There was no backing down now. I knew what my answer was; I wasn’t about to deny myself of this man any longer.

“I’m sure.”

With a short nod, he wrapped his fingers around my own, directing his cock toward my glistening sex. I swallowed hard as he rubbed it against my folds, coating it with my juices. The longer I felt him between my thighs, hot and hard and heavy, the more excited I began to feel. I knew it would hurt, but I was more than willing to take a little pain. If it meant being one with Levi, I would take all the pain in the world.

“Keep your eyes on me. I’ll try to be as gentle as possible, sweetheart.”

“I know, thank you.” I knew I could hold him to his word.

“You want it all at once, or little by little?”

It was sweet he was giving me the option in the first place. “All at once.” The quicker I dealt with the pain, the better it would be for both of us, right?

He gave me one final nod, and I sucked in a deep breath. I dug my nails into his shoulders as he slid forward, whimpering as he nestled his cock inside of me.

I winced and squeezed my eyes shut at the burning sensation in my lower half. It wasn’t the worst pain I had felt, but it still felt rather unpleasant. I held back a scoff as I thought back to all the girls I had grown up with, from my cadet days to my years as a Scout, listening to them share stories about their first times. No one had ever mentioned the excruciating pain that went along with it!

Above me, I could hear him groan deep in his chest, pushing his forehead into the crook of my neck. I wondered if he was experiencing a similar pain, as well.

_Probably not. He’s not a virgin, remember? He’s done this before._

My eyes fluttered open as he lifted himself from my neck, his lips parted slightly. “You alright?” His black hair was already matted to his forehead, slick with a thin layer of sweat.

“I-it hurts—”

“I know, sweetheart,” he whispered against my ear. His hands massaged my hips gently, trying to take my mind off the pain. “You’re doing so well. It’ll be over soon, I promise.”

But I _didn’t_ want it to be over just yet. Despite the burning pain in my lower abdomen, I was fucking elated. I was finally one with the man I loved, holding him in my arms and pulling him against my chest. He was mine as much as I was his—and I never wanted to let him go.

I had always pictured my first time being something far out of my reach, especially after what had happened with Jax so many years ago. If I had ever managed to find someone I cared about enough to want to start a family with them, I imagined it would be after the world was free of the Titans, and humanity could live in peace. I would probably be much older than I currently was, but I didn’t care.

I never expected my first time would be with a former criminal from the Underground City, who would come to be known as Humanity’s Strongest Soldier over the years. If I had told myself that upon meeting Levi, Furlan, and Isabel all those years ago, I would have called myself crazy.

Levi placed his hand on my cheek, giving my lips a sweet kiss. When he pulled away, he stared into my eyes, rubbing the thin white scar on my skin. “You want me to move?”

“Y-yeah… Just do it slowly…”

I gasped as he shifted his hips against mine, pulling himself out as slowly as he could. The burn was still there, but it wasn’t as strong as it had been before. He pulled out until only the head of his cock was left inside, and when I gave him a nod, he pushed himself back into me in one fluid motion. He continued to do this a few more times, and with each slow thrust, the pain began to ebb away.

“Shit,” he mumbled against the skin of my shoulder, “you’re so fucking tight, sweetheart.”

 _Is that a good thing?_ Judging by the sounds that left his lips, I had to say it was.

The burn had all but vanished from my body, leaving a dull ache deep inside of me. Suddenly, his slow thrusts weren’t doing much for me. I needed him to move faster, to hit me hard and deep. This ache was only going to get worse if I didn’t quell it soon.

“Levi,” I whispered, turning my head and pressing my cheek to his, “I want you to move.”

“You sure?” His voice was strained; I could tell he was holding himself back for my sake. But I didn’t want him to do that. I wanted him to let loose, to give me everything he had.

“Positive. Now _fuck me_.”

A strangled moan filled the air between us; I couldn’t tell if it had come from my mouth or the man above me. He snapped his hips into mine, driving himself further and deeper into my body. I squeezed my thighs around his hips, nearly sobbing with each thrust.

This was _much_ better than pleasuring myself with my fingers. Every thrust brought a bolt of bliss to my lower half, spreading throughout my body in warm waves. His cock was thick and heavy, sliding in almost perfectly with each motion of his hips. My face reddened as the obscene squelching noises from my sex reached my ears.

_How can something like this feel so good? Is it because of what Levi is doing to me, or is it Levi himself? Does it only feel this good because I’m with someone I actually love?_

Whatever it was, I wasn’t about to complain. I raked my nails down his back, groaning sharply as he drew his hips back from mine.

“That’s it, sweetheart.” Blood rushed to my face at his deep voice, his hot breath clouding over my cheeks. When I opened my eyes and saw him above me, panting heavily with sweat dotting his face, I thought I would pass out. “You like this, don’t you? You like when I’m rough with you?”

I wanted to answer, but I couldn’t. He was pounding into me so hard I couldn’t find the energy to speak.

He was right—I _did_ like it when he treated me roughly. I loved the feeling of his hands tightening themselves on my skin, his harsh grunts and groans spilling into my ear, his cock sliding in between the folds of my sex. This dominant nature of his gave me a dangerous thrill, rushing through every inch of my body. I was at his mercy, and I was loving every second of it.

“Y-y-yes,” I managed to find my voice through my moans and whines. “F-fuck, Levi—harder, _please_!”

But he didn’t comply with my wishes like I thought he would. Instead, he curled his arms underneath my body and flipped us over on the bed, leaving me sprawled out on top of him. With his head resting back against the pillows, he moved his hands down to my hips, rubbing his hands along my skin. I gasped when I realized he was still buried inside of me; even though he had changed positions, he still kept us in place.

“Ride me.”

I stared at him, my eyes wide and my mouth open. “I…I don’t know how!”

_I don’t know how to do that! It’s not like I’ve ever gotten the chance to learn! Oh God, what do I say? What do I do?! Will he be disappointed in me if I don’t please him right?_

But he only smirked and tightened his grip on my hips. “I’ll show you, don’t worry.” Before I could respond, he lifted me up and off of his cock, keeping his eyes on mine. I moaned a bit too loudly as he brought me back down, reaching deeper than he had been earlier.

_So **that’s** what I’m supposed to do… Seems simple enough. After all, it’s just like riding a horse, right? _

With a shaky nod, I placed my hands on his chest and raised myself off of him. Once I was sure only the tip was left, I sank myself back down on his cock, causing the two of us to moan in unison. His hands lingered on my waist, but he was no longer guiding me up and down on him. He was leaving me to do the rest of the work, his gaze slanted and hooded with lust.

A burst of confidence flooded my chest at the pleasurable feeling. I could do this, I was sure of it. With a deep breath, I began to move, sliding up and down his cock at a faster pace. A gasp or a moan left my lips every time his cock brushed against that special spot inside me.

Flames licked at the base of my stomach as I stared into his eyes, which were already a smoky gray color. He was absolutely gorgeous, with his hair strewn across his forehead and sweat dotting along his neck and face. Through my lustful haze, I wondered how I had managed to earn the affections of such an astounding man.

Feeling a little more daring, I began to move my hips against his, grinding my clit against his skin. I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth, sinking my nails into his chest. I bit back a scream as I dragged my hips against his, my clit burning with need.

“Levi,” I whispered his name over and over again. “I…I’m close!”

“That’s it, baby. Good girl.” He smirked up at me as I ground my clit into him once again. “Fuck yourself on my cock. _Use_ me.”

Heat flooded my body. Where had he learned to talk so dirty?! It made me embarrassed, but at the same time, it set every one of my nerves on fire.

I lowered myself on his body, my breasts brushing against his chest. The slight change in angle did wonders to me; he was hitting me in all the right spots, clouding my vision with stars. With another whimper, I slammed my hips down on his cock, my whole body vibrating with pleasure.

“Fuck, sweetheart, you look so good bouncing up and down on my cock.” He groaned as I brought myself back down on him, bucking his hips into mine. “Such a good girl… Yeah, you like that?” He smirked as I involuntarily clenched around him at his praise. “You like when I call you that, sweetheart?”

 _I didn’t know I had some kind of praise kink, but apparently I do… Oh well._ I moaned at his words, tossing my head back and exposing my throat.

“You’re such a good fucking girl,” he continued, punctuating his words with a sharp jab of his hips. I squeaked at the contact, his cock twitching inside of me. He was close, I could tell. And so was I. “You’re always so good to me, sweetheart. You deserve this—all of it.”

Before I could blink, he had flipped us over on the bed again, hovering on top of me and hiking my knees up to my chest. My hands fisted into the sheets below as he pounded into me with everything he had. I couldn’t even keep my eyes open, the feeling was so good. With the change in angle, he was thrusting into me even deeper than before.

Tears of pleasure began to well in my eyes. I didn’t know how much more of this I could take. It felt so fucking good all at once, I was sure I would lose it at any moment now. I was still sensitive from my two previous orgasms, and Levi was determined to bring me to my third.

“Look at me.”

I peeled my eyes open, meeting his silvery gaze with a lazy smile. My mouth was hanging open, and my legs were limp in his grasp. I couldn’t even feel my lower half, I was so worked up from the sheer bliss he was giving me.

“I want to see your face when you come on my cock.”

I screamed out his name as my vision flooded with white, tearing at the sheets below me. Pure ecstasy washed over my body in warm waves, my sex pulsing with every beat of my heart. My chest heaved with every breath I took, and my entire body trembled with the force of my release.

Levi groaned as I tightened around him, taking a moment to catch his breath. A few seconds later, he began to thrust back into me, chasing after his own release. All the while, he kept his eyes on mine.

“Fuck, sweetheart, you feel so good.” He grunted as he scooped his hips, hiking my legs further up my chest. “You’re so fucking tight, I—”

He rammed his hips into mine, the muscles in his face contorting. He bared his teeth, breathing heavily through his nose as he brought himself closer to his peak.

“Mia,” he moaned, “fuck, I can’t— _Mia_!”

He pulled out of me at the last second, grasping his cock in his hand and pumping himself hard. He came with a growl a moment later, thick white ropes splashing onto my stomach.

The two of us stared at each other, still panting heavily, each of us coated in a thin sheen of sweat. His skin stuck to mine as he released my legs from my chest. I watched him with wide eyes, unable to form any words.

“Don’t move,” he mumbled under his breath. He reached over to the nightstand beside the bed, retrieving a small cloth from the top drawer. As carefully as he could, he wiped his cum off of my stomach, and when he was finished, he dropped it down into the pile of clothes on the floor at the side of the bed. With that taken care of, he laid down beside me on the mattress, his chest still heaving.

I stared up at the ceiling, my mind racing as the events of the night replayed over and over in my head. What was I supposed to say now? What were we supposed to do? We had just had sex—was there anything else to do afterwards?

_Did he enjoy it? I hope he did; I know I enjoyed it. Is this the only time we’ll do this? I hope not; I want to do it again and again with him._

My mind was filled with questions I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t find the words to say them out loud. So I kept my eyes on the ceiling, blurting out the first one that popped into my head:

“That thing you did…with your mouth…” I shifted on my side and gazed up at him, fighting the urge to trace my hand over his face. “…Where did you learn that?”

My question seemed to catch him off guard; I could tell by the way he stifled a laugh. With a tiny smile, he reached over and wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me on top of his chest. He trailed his free hand down to the tops of my breasts, ghosting his fingers over my skin.

“You learn a lot of weird things when you’re on the streets. Apparently girls seem to like it when men do that.”

I could see why—I remembered with a shudder how incredible his tongue had felt against my dripping sex, licking up and down and coiling around my clit. I knew for a fact I wouldn’t object if he wanted to do that again sometime in the future—in the _near_ future, anyway.

Secretly, I wondered if he had ever performed that little trick for his deceased lover in the Underground City.

I nodded slowly, tracing aimless patterns on the left side of his collarbone. The two of us shared a kiss, gentle and sweet, before he pushed me off of him. With a grunt, he hauled himself off the mattress, giving me a glorious view of his backside.

“Come on, we should shower before you fall asleep. You’re fucking filthy, you know.”

I gave him a smile, still relishing in the afterglow of sex. “Yeah, but only because of _you_ , Levi.”

My only answer was a proud smirk, thrown at me from over his shoulder.

I pushed myself into a sitting position, still smiling at him—but I froze once my eyes landed on the sheets below. There was a small patch of blood just below my thighs, bright red and still a bit wet. My hands started to tremble as I saw similar spots on my thighs, leading up to the entrance of my sex.

“Shit!” The bed dipped under Levi’s weight as I hid my face in my hands. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bleed on them!”

But he didn’t seem angry or frustrated in the slightest. Instead, he reached over and ruffled my hair before pulling me into his chest. “It’s fine, kid. They were going to get changed, anyway. No fucking way am I sleeping in sheets smelling like cum.”

I wanted to laugh at his dry humor, but I was still shocked at the sight of the blood. All of that had come from me… “I-is that…normal…?”

“Of course it is.” He pressed a light kiss to the top of my head, smoothing down my hair. “Sometimes girls bleed when they have sex for the first time. You didn’t do anything wrong, kid, so relax.” It took me a few extra seconds, but I managed to regain my breath and nod my head. “Good. Now come on, I’ll get the shower ready.”

He climbed off the bed once more, holding out his hand for me to follow. But as soon as I stepped onto the floor, my knees gave out from under me, and I fell back onto the bed. I was still too weak and sore to walk, it seemed.

Another dark blush made its way to my face. “I…I can’t get up…”

A dark smirk crossed his features as he scooped me up in his arms, holding me like a husband would hold his new bride. “Means I fucked you good then, brat.”

“Levi! Don’t say stuff like that…” I peeked at him from between my fingers, doing my best to hide my shy smile.

“What? It’s true. Besides, you have quite the foul mouth yourself, sweetheart, so don’t act like I’m the only one.”

He carried me to the bathroom, setting me on the counter before starting the water. Once it was warm, he helped me up and into the shower, keeping one arm around my waist. My legs were still shaky, but I managed to stand upright—for the most part. Once or twice I had to lean on Levi, just to make sure I didn’t topple over and hit my head.

The two of us took turns washing each other, taking our time and losing ourselves in the other. I ran my fingers through his hair, scrubbing the soap out of it and earning a pleased groan from his chest. Meanwhile, he rubbed my shoulders and caressed my thighs, washing off any blood spots he came across. Thankfully I had stopped bleeding, but I was still a bit sore from our activities.

When we were finished and dried off, both of us smelling like that pine shampoo of his, I brushed out my hair and watched him change the sheets on the bed. He rolled up the dirty sheets and discarded them in the basket in the corner of the room, muttering under his breath as he did so. When he was done, he beckoned me over, and the two of us nestled ourselves underneath the covers. Neither of us bothered to put our clothes back on; the only thing we wanted to feel was each other’s skin against our own.

There was still so much I wanted to say to him: how he made me feel, how I wished for every night to be like this, how I never wanted to leave his side, and everything along those lines. But I was exhausted, and I knew I wouldn’t be awake for much longer.

I leaned over and placed my head on his chest, smiling as I felt his arm come around my waist. “Thank you,” I murmured against his clavicle, “for everything.”

I didn’t expect him to answer, especially when I said “I love you.” But as I drifted off into the night, I felt my heart nearly burst as he leaned over and kissed my forehead, whispering those forbidden words back to me.

“ _I love you, too_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended up having to write this chapter in two separate sittings, so I apologize if it's a little uneven in some parts. Usually I like to write smut in one sitting and then edit it later, but I didn't get the chance to do that this time. 
> 
> I don't know what it is, but there's just something about couples swimming together that instantly makes me all flustered, so I decided to incorporate that into the story. I love writing the playful, innocent interactions between Mia and Levi; they've both grown so much since their first meeting in the Underground City, haha. But I think I love writing smutty scenes with them even more! (I think I need help at this point, though - it's hard to restrain myself from putting too many smut scenes into this story! I know I should prioritize plot development and character growth over the steaminess, but once in a while couldn't hurt, right?) 
> 
> Unfortunately, with the start of my classes next week, I'm afraid I have to put this story on hold for now. I have the next chapter written, but I don't want to post it by itself, since it goes hand-in-hand with Ch. 45, and I'm still not done with that one yet. But don't worry, I'm not abandoning you guys entirely! I've been playing with the idea of a Kinktober 2020 challenge for Levi/Mia, which I've already written 6 prompts for. Along with that, I'm also thinking about putting out a special Kinktober event for my Tumblr readers, so that's eating up a lot of my time. Once these challenges are (mostly) completed, I'll be able to focus on AWWW a bit more. Besides, I think I need to take a little break from this story. The last thing I want is to force myself to write the next chapter and the ones after it. I'm thinking with this little challenge/exercise, I'll be able to rekindle that inspiration I had when I first started. 
> 
> I'm much more active on my Tumblr, so if you want to chat with me while this story is on hold, you're more than welcome to! Again, the Kinktober event is still up in the air, since I don't want to push myself too much while I'm taking my classes. But apart from that, I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and I'll be back soon for the next one, I promise! :)
> 
> Tumblr: [StarstruckKittenSweets](http://starstruckkittensweets.tumblr.com/)


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, guys! Long time no see, huh? Sorry about the long wait! I've been so busy with classes and other projects that I haven't had time to work on this story as much as I'd like to. I wanted to post this chapter once I was able to keep up a regular posting schedule, but that hasn't happened yet because...reasons... *oops* But I didn't want you guys to wait too much longer, so here it is! 
> 
> Also, thank you so much to everyone who's taken the time to read this story! I can't believe we've reached over 200 kudos and 7.5k hits! It really makes my day when I see so many people invested in my story! I love each and every one of you with all my heart, and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

|XLIV|

My eyes fluttered open the moment I felt something soft and warm on the back of my neck. Bright sunlight pooled into the room, essentially robbing me of a few more hours of sleep. I groaned softly, burying my face into the pillow and pulling the sheets up to my chin. A warm weight was pressed against my bare back, and when I shifted slightly on the bed, I could feel an arm drape itself around my waist. I couldn’t help but smile as Levi’s lips brushed the nape of my neck, pulling me back into his chest.

“Look who’s finally awake,” he mumbled, kissing the shell of my ear. “You’re lucky you don’t have training today, brat. It’s late in the morning; you decided to sleep in.”

“I wouldn’t have had to sleep in if _you_ didn’t wear me out so much,” I replied, snuggling into his warm chest. He only hummed, pressing another kiss to my shoulder. 

Memories of last night spilled into my mind, and my face grew red all over again. I had done it—I had finally lost my virginity last night. The man I loved with every inch of my being had taken it from me, and I couldn’t have been happier with that fact. Out of all the men within the Walls, I was glad Levi had been the one I had given it to.

_So now what? What’s going to happen between us after this? He still wants to be with me, right? Does he still want to do that again with me?_

“Sleep well?”

I nodded, rolling over and meeting his eyes. He had propped himself on his elbow, his arm draped across my hips beneath the sheets. His hair was frayed, sticking up in every other direction. I threw my leg over his, resting it in between his thighs. This time, I didn’t shy away when I felt his semi-hard length on my bare skin.

“Like a baby. What about you?” I knew he didn’t get much sleep to begin with, so I was eager to hear his answer. “Did you get any?”

“Not much, but more than usual.” He tightened his arm around my waist, lowering his mouth to my neck. I let out a sigh as he kissed my throat, his lips hot against my skin.

_By the Walls, if we could stay like this forever, I would never leave this bed. I want to stay here in his arms for the rest of my life, shutting out the rest of the world. It can be just the two of us—me and him, for the rest of our lives._

But I knew that wasn’t possible. Sooner or later I was going to have to leave this bed, this room, _this man_. We would continue on with our duties as captains, training with our squads and planning our expeditions and slaying as many Titans as we could. Everything had changed last night, and yet, at the same time, nothing really had. We were still two of the Survey Corps’ most powerful soldiers, in charge of leading our own elite squads. He was Humanity’s Strongest, capable of killing any Titan that crossed his path. I was still his right-hand woman, preferably working behind the scenes, but with a skill set that fell in line with his own.

But for now, we were just Levi and Mia, wrapped up in each other’s arms.

“I don’t want to get up…”

His chest shook with a deep chuckle. “That makes two of us, kid. But as much as I’d love to go another round…” My breath hitched in my throat as he nipped my jawline, moving his hips against my thigh. “…I’d rather you not be too sore for the ball tonight.”

 _Shit, that’s right!_ In all the confusion and lust of last night, I had completely forgotten about the royal ball that was supposed to take place tonight.

“Damn it!” I had to get up and get dressed—and maybe force Hanji to take a shower, if she was back at the base by now. “I should probably go, then…”

As much as I hated to do it, I pulled myself away from his body—in all its warmth and beauty—and sat up on the edge of the bed. I scanned the floor for my clothes, but they were nowhere to be found. I smiled as I found them on the chair next to the closet, folded up and stacked on top of his own.

_What a gentleman._

My legs were still a little shaky, but they weren’t as bad as they had been last night. As I walked over to the chair and slipped on my panties and bra, I could feel his silver eyes on me. Sure enough, when I glanced over my shoulder, he was watching my every move, still propped up on his elbow.

“You look better without those things, you know.”

“Shut up!” Even after everything we had done last night, it was still so easy for me to blush at his words. “Just for that, I’m stealing your shirt.”

Before he could object, I slipped his gray shirt over my shoulders, leaving it unbuttoned and exposing my chest. It was warm and soft, albeit a little too big for me. Despite its smaller size, it was longer than my own, with the hem stretching down to the tops of my thighs. When I lifted the fabric to my face, Levi’s familiar pine and peppermint scent washed over my nose.

“I hope you don’t mind me keeping this.” The thought of owning something of Levi’s—that still had his scent, no less—made me excited in all kinds of ways.

“As long as I get to keep yours.”

“Deal.”

He pushed himself off the bed, stretching out his arms and cracking his back. My mouth watered as I watched the muscles ripple under his skin; I shook my head at the last minute and pulled on my pants, trying to keep my eyes off of him. I couldn’t afford to get all excited now. If I did, I knew I would _never_ leave this bedroom before tomorrow.

Once I had pulled on my boots and my jacket, tucking Levi’s shirt into the waistband of my pants, I moved into the bathroom to brush my teeth. With my toothbrush between my lips, I pulled up my hair in its usual half up half down style. Not a moment later, the door opened behind me, and Levi took his spot next to me at the sink. He was already wearing his usual uniform, minus the jacket and cravat, of course. When I poked my head around him to peek inside the bedroom, I bit back a smile. My shirt was resting on the freshly made bed, right next to his cravat.

“Hopefully this shitty party doesn’t drag on for too long,” he mumbled before shoving his own toothbrush into his mouth. The scent of mint quickly overtook the air between us.

“It shouldn’t,” I answered, spitting out some excess toothpaste. “We only have to stay there for a couple hours, and then Erwin will let us leave. We just have to be there long enough to get a few more sponsors for our next expedition. Besides, if we get bored, we can always make fun of the nobles behind their backs. Hanji and I do it all the time, you know.”

_Shit—Hanji!_

Now that I had been awake for a little while, the weight of last night was just starting to dawn on me. There was no way in hell I would be able to hide what had happened last night from Hanji. That woman had the sharpest mind of anyone I knew— _nothing_ could get past her. If she knew something was going on between the two of us, she wouldn’t hesitate to let me know.

_I should probably let her know as soon as I see her. The longer I keep it from her, the worse it’ll be in the end. Might as well rip the bandage off now, right?_

“Sorry, but I don’t care for gossip between you two,” he replied, rinsing his mouth out with a handful of water. I did the same before stealing the towel from his hands to wipe my mouth. “You two don’t understand the meaning of the word _quiet_ when you’re together, and I’d rather not come home with a headache.”

“Huh, that’s weird. I don’t remember you trying to shut me up last night…”

It took every ounce of strength I had not to throw myself in his arms when I saw that mischievous glint in his silver eyes. The urge to feel him inside me again was quickly growing out of control; I didn’t know how much longer I could go on without making a move. But we couldn’t stay here until it was time to leave for the ball. We didn’t need the other soldiers, especially Erwin and the rest of the Squad Leaders, suspecting anything unusual between us.

“I get annoyed with your incessant chattering, brat.” He leaned in close to my ear, trailing a finger along my jawline. “But I don’t have a problem when you’re screaming my name.”

I squeaked as he pressed his lips to the space below my right ear. Before I could even blink, he had me seated on the counter beside the sink, his hands rubbing small circles on my thighs. With his help, I wrapped my legs around his waist and tugged him closer, tilting his head and bringing his lips to mine. His mouth was warm and minty from the toothpaste, but it suited him all the same.

 _I love him. And he loves me._ As I kissed him back, curling my hands around his shoulders, I didn’t think I could ever be more elated than I already was in this moment.

“Levi,” I breathed as he left a trail of kisses along the side of my neck, “it’s already late. We should get going…”

He groaned against my throat, pulling my legs even tighter around his waist. “Not yet,” he mumbled, still kissing my lower neck.

I smiled and let him be for another few seconds, savoring the kisses he left on my skin. His touches were so much gentler than they had been last night (although I didn’t really mind whenever he was rough). He pressed a kiss to each love bite on my neck, easing the stinging sensation slightly. With the way he was holding me, like I was about to break if he handled me too harshly, he almost seemed like a completely different person.

But as much as I wanted him to keep going, I couldn’t ignore the world outside this room forever. The two of us eventually had to return to our own lives, after all.

“Okay, that’s enough, I mean it.” I giggled when I saw the look of utter disappointment on his face as I pushed him away. When I jumped down from the counter, I gave him a quick peck on his lips, resting my hand at the nape of his neck. “Maybe we can pick this up later, once the ball is over. Does that sound like a plan?”

“Tch, I suppose.”

I gasped as he gave my ass a harsh squeeze, pulling me in for one final kiss. Before it could get too heated, I twisted myself out of his arms and into the bedroom, smiling all the while. His face remained as stoic as ever, but I could see the brightness in those beautiful silver eyes.

As I reached the door, I threw him a smirk from over my shoulder. “Oh, and Levi?” He poked his head out of the bathroom, fiddling with the sleeves of his shirt. “I can’t _wait_ to see you in one of those fancy new suits tonight.”

He rolled his eyes and tugged on the cuff of his left sleeve. “You have a thing for formal wear, brat?”

“Not really. I just can’t wait to rip it off you.”

The corner of my mouth perked up in a smirk as I walked out of the room, feeling his eyes burning holes into my back. Without another word, I closed the door behind me and made my way out of his office. Only when I was out in the hall did I let out a breathless laugh, the afterglow of the previous night still as strong as ever.

_God, I love him so much._

With a tug on the collar of his shirt, I breathed in his scent before heading down the hall to my own office, feeling like I was on cloud fucking nine. I was invincible, untouchable— _valuable_ and _loved_. And as long as I knew that, nothing could ever hurt me again.

|~|

After changing out of Levi’s shirt and into one of my usual green ones (since I didn’t want to draw any attention from the other Scouts), I headed for the mess hall, which was surprisingly crowded for so late in the morning. The soldiers had returned to the base to prepare for our trip to the capital this evening, and while some of them bustled around the base getting themselves ready for such a fancy event, others simply sat around the tables, sharing stories of their loved ones back at home.

Hanji and Mike were among these, seated at our usual table and enjoying an early lunch. I grabbed one of the steaming bowls of stew from the counter at the kitchen window and headed for the table, my stomach growling all the while. I had skipped breakfast altogether, and I was practically starving.

_No, you **slept** through breakfast, Wolf. Don’t forget why you slept through it in the first place._

“There you are, Mia!” Hanji nearly shot up from her seat, waving her arm back and forth and beckoning me over. Mike was much more subtle in his approach, but the smile was evident on his face. “We were wondering where you were!”

_Oh, don’t worry about me; that’s none of your business yet._

“Hi, guys!” I gave Hanji a one-armed hug before sitting down beside Mike at the table. “How’s everything back at home?”

“All good!” Hanji chirped, giving me a thumbs-up. “Dad’s still the worrywart he’s always been, but he’s okay. Luke’s spending more time with him now that he and Ellie moved back in, so everything’s going pretty good so far!”

It was nice to hear the good news surrounding Hanji’s family. Her father had been growing weaker over the years, slowly crumbling due to old age. But lately, now that her older brother Luke had married his girlfriend of three years, he was starting to act much more lively. Perhaps the promise of grandchildren convinced him to keep fighting for another few years.

I had known Mr. Zoë ever since I was twelve, when a thirteen-year-old Hanji begged me to come to Trost with her to meet the rest of her family. Although Leyna flat-out disapproved, and Ben was a little skeptical of her rowdy nature, I found myself following her back home, and her father accepted me without a second thought. I wished nothing but the best for him, and I hoped that even if it meant only a few more years, he would be able to see his son’s children grow up. He deserved all the happiness in the world.

My chest tightened when I realized that neither Ma nor Dad had gotten the chance to see their grandchildren grow up. Hell, I didn’t even know if I _would_ have kids in the future, what with our constant fight against the Titans, and I was almost certain Leyna didn’t want to bother herself with a couple of annoying kids.

_Where did all those dreams of raising a huge family go? We used to talk about it all the time: how we would grow up, get married, and have lots of kids and make our parents proud. But look at us now—we’re almost completely different people than we were then._

“That’s good to hear.” I kept my solemn thoughts to myself; no need to put a damper on Hanji’s ecstatic mood. “And what about you, Mike? How’s your mother doing?”

As far as I knew, Mike didn’t have a wife or kids living within the Walls. However, his parents had owned a vast farm on the outskirts of Wall Sina, just outside the plains of Stohess District. He would still visit them once in a while just to check up on them and help out at the farm. More than once Hanji, Erwin and I had accompanied him on these trips, and his elderly mother was an absolute joy to be around.

“She’s okay,” he answered with a soft smile, “thank you for asking.” There was an odd glint in his eye, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

“Anyway, how have you been? Was it _lonely_ here without us?” Hanji leaned on her elbow, playfully kicking my leg underneath the table. I kicked her back, which only prompted her to flick some of her stew at me. Even as an adult, she still acted like the same thirteen-year-old weirdo I met back in the 90th Training Corps. “No, probably not. You did have Shorty to keep you company, right?”

“Actually, no.” I fought the urge to blush as I recalled the previous night in Levi’s bed. “It was quiet—something I don’t get when you’re here. It was nice to work in my office without a splitting headache for once.”

“Oh, stop it! You love when I tell you about science and Titans and all that!”

“Love is a pretty strong word, Zoë.” I took another spoonful of my stew to hide my smirk. Riling her up was too much fun nowadays—how could I resist?

Suddenly, there was a gentle puff of air at the top of my head. I nearly jumped out of my own skin, jerking myself away from Mike. He only smirked down at me, that same unfamiliar glint in his eyes.

“New shampoo, Mia?”

_…Shit!_

I was no stranger to his weird sniffing habits; in fact, I had known about them since the day I met him. When Hanji and I had met Erwin and Mike the first time, when we were both still measly cadets, the taller male had leaned over and taken a whiff of my hair. When I demanded to know what he problem was, he merely shrugged and told me—with a smug smile—that I smelled like apples, sugar, and hay. I was a little offended at the “hay” part of that list, but as I grew older, I realized it only made sense. I _did_ spend a lot of extra time with Edel at the barn, so what did I expect?

_Of course he suspects something! He has the best sense of smell in the entire Survey Corps! Of course he’s going to know I don’t smell like my usual self! Fuck, why did I use Levi’s shampoo last night?!_

“Wait, what?”

As I stared at Mike with an open mouth, Hanji stood up and leaned over the table, pressing her stomach against the wood. I sat there in silent horror as she yanked on a lock of my hair, bringing it to her face and taking a deep sniff.

“Whoa, you’re right! What’s that smell, anyway? It’s kinda nice…”

“I-it’s called shampoo, Hanji,” I muttered, pulling my head away from her. “You should try it once in a while.”

“Not just _any_ shampoo, Mia.” _Shut the fuck up, Mike!_ “I know I’ve smelled that kind before…but I can’t seem to remember where.”

My blood boiled as he smirked down at me, my hands clenching into fists in my lap. _That bastard! He’s toying with me, I know he is! He wants me to admit that I’m involved with Levi! Well, I won’t give in!_

“It’s just a new brand I picked up in Trost the last time we visited! I just wanted to try something new, that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with that!”

“It’s been a while since we’ve been in Trost, captain,” Mike stated, standing up from the table. “And I don’t recall you trying this new brand before today, either.” My blush only grew worse as he winked at me, preparing to leave the table, with his bowl in his hands. “But don’t worry about it, Mia. Pine suits you.”

_That fucking arrogant son of a—_

“Wait, pine?” Hanji gasped and sat back down in her seat, a smile on her face. “Oh, _that’s_ where I know it from! That’s the same kind of scented shampoo Levi has, isn’t—”

She froze in mid-sentence. The two of us stared at each other in total silence, not moving an inch. My blood pounded throughout my veins as I watched her mouth slowly fall open, her eyes widening behind those shiny goggles.

“…Mia…you _didn’t_ —”

As fast as I could, I scooped up my half-empty bowl of stew and raced for the kitchen window. I barely had time to leave it on the counter outside before I raced out of the mess hall, with Hanji hot on my heels.

“You _did_! By the Walls, you _did_ , didn’t you?!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

_There’s no way she could have figured it out that quickly! Damn you, Mike! You had to give her all those hints and then leave me with this mess! I fucking hate you for this, you bastard!_

I nearly stumbled into three different soldiers as I ran for the main castle, desperate to lose her on the way to my office. But she was still close behind, the sound of her breaths getting heavier with each step she took. It wasn’t wise for her to run so fast right after eating; no doubt she was experiencing some painful cramps right now. But she still pressed on, and despite our current situation, I had to admire her persistence.

I managed to unlock the door to my office just as Hanji made it up the stairs. But before I could get too far, she shoved me inside and kicked the door shut with her foot, latching it up in the process. With her arms splayed on either side of her, she stared at me with a wide grin, her goggles glinting in the afternoon sun. With the way she was breathing, she really did fit those “mad scientist” stereotypes I always teased her about.

“Out with it, Mia! I want to know _every single detail_ —and don’t leave anything out! There’s only one reason you would be smelling like the same shampoo Shorty uses, so come clean already!” She smirked upon seeing my red face and trembling fingers. “You slept with him, didn’t you?!”

“Shut up!” I slapped both hands over her mouth, pinning her to the door. “Not so loud, idiot!” _Who knows who could be walking by right now?! I don’t need any extra rumors flying around!_

I shrieked in disgust as she licked my palm, forcing me to let her go. As I wiped my hand on my pants, she reached over and held my upper arms with a firm grip. She backed me up and sat me down on the couch, before taking a seat opposite of me. She leaned over, shoving her face into mine.

“Admit it, Mia. You two finally did the deed, didn’t you?” She chuckled devilishly as a fresh shade of red fell over my face. “Yeah, you _did_ , right? You guys finally got all down and dirty, huh?”

“Shut it, Hanji!” I tugged on the collar of my shirt, swallowing the lump in my throat. There was no way I was getting out of this one. I had to come clean to her, once and for all. “…So what if we did?”

“Aha! I _knew_ it!” She clapped me on the back hard, right between my shoulder blades. “Congratulations, buddy! What’s he like? Tell me everything!”

Of course I wasn’t going to tell her every single detail from last night. There were certain things I wanted to keep to myself, just between me and him. I didn’t want other people interfering with our relationship, much less our sex life, so I didn’t plan on spilling everything to her.

But a bit of information never hurt anyone, right? Besides, I had a feeling she wasn’t going to let me leave this room unless I gave her _something_ to go on.

“…It just sort of _happened_ , Hanji. There’s not much to tell…” But her eyes were insistent, so I wracked my brain for any details I could share with her. “…Well…ugh, what do you want me to say?! It was my first time, Hanji!”

“And how was it?”

My face softened as I remembered the way he had kissed me before asking me if I was truly ready. I remembered how he held my waist delicately, to try to keep my mind off the pain. I remembered how he had called me beautiful earlier in the night, and how he didn’t hesitate to pleasure me with his mouth. He didn’t have to make my first time so memorable, but he did it for my sake. He didn’t want me to think I was another woman he randomly slept with—he wanted me to feel special, to feel loved, and to feel something I had never felt before with Jax.

“… _Amazing_.” I stifled a laugh at my own breathless voice. What was I, sixteen years old again? “Hanji, I know it sounds crazy, but…I love him. I love him so much it almost hurts to think about it. Oh God, I’ve never felt like this about _anyone_ before!”

I had told other people I loved them before—my parents, Ben, and Leyna came to mind immediately. I loved them with everything I had, despite all of our struggles and disagreements. But it was a different story with Levi. It always had been.

Whenever I looked at him, I felt my body start to burn up. I felt completely safe whenever I felt his hands or lips on me, and when he held me in his arms, I was in absolute bliss. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, to spend whatever time we had left in his arms. I wanted to fall asleep every night with his heart beating against mine, and I wanted to wake up every morning to the touch of his lips on my neck.

And as impractical as it seemed at this moment in time, once the Titans were defeated and gone from this world, I wanted to see us settle down in a house beyond the Walls, with rings on our fingers and children on our laps. I wanted to have the family I had always dreamed about, ever since I was a little girl, and I wanted Levi to be the one to help me build it.

I hid my face in my hands, still aware of Hanji’s eyes on me. She wore a soft and genuine smile now, and she rubbed my shoulder gently. “I’m happy for you, Mia, I really am. It’s weird seeing you so happy and dreamy like this…but I kinda like it!”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. Ever since our graduation ceremony, I had become reclusive and unwilling to engage in any romantic affairs. Hanji had tried multiple times to coax me out of the protective bubble I had built for myself, but to no avail. I wanted to make her happy, but no matter what, I couldn’t seem to find someone who made me feel at ease. I never found someone I could completely relax with or trust with my life. Well, not until Levi, at least.

“I know I’m probably being irrational at this point,” I muttered against my palms. “I mean, you know, considering our jobs and all…” Hanji’s face fell slightly, her eyes glimmering behind her glasses. She knew _exactly_ what I meant by that.

I was well aware that either of us could die at any moment, that I risked facing heartbreak with every expedition beyond the Walls. I had accepted the fact I would die years ago, when I first decided to join the Survey Corps. I knew there was a chance I would never see my sister again, that I would never see Hanji or Erwin or Mike again. I knew what I was getting myself into every time I joined the Scouts on an expedition, and while I was still scared of death, I knew it was inevitable. It came for everyone at some point or another.

I should’ve been unwilling to get so close to Levi, just as he had been with me. I should have distanced myself from him and discouraged myself from loving him so much. He could be ripped away from me any day now; there was no telling how much longer we would have together in this world. But for some reason, even though I knew of the risks involved, I didn’t care at all. It didn’t matter to me that my next breath could be my last. I didn’t care that I would most likely end up in a Titan’s stomach. I didn’t even care that there was a possibility my death would mean very little to the Scouts’ overall goal of wiping out the Titans from this world.

All that mattered to me was the present, and for right now, Levi belonged to me, and I belonged to him. I was his as much as he was mine, and that was more than enough for me.

Hanji leaned over to me, bumping her shoulder against mine. “It’s alright, Mia. I know you’ll make the right decision; you always do.”

With a bitter smile, I shrugged my shoulders. I hated when Hanji put me up on a pedestal like that. I was never as great as she made me out to be.

“Alright, that’s enough. We should probably get ready for the ball… And you have to shower before we leave, you know!”

“Oh, come on! It’s not that big a deal!”

“Yes, it _is_!” Before she could protest, I grabbed the back of her shirt and began dragging her to the bathroom, wincing at the sound of her heels scraping against the floor. “You probably haven’t bathed since you left for Trost, and I am _not_ hanging out with you tonight if you smell like Titan shit.”

“You know, Titans don’t actually shit…”

“Whatever, Han.”

|~|

It took some coaxing on my part, but I managed to get Hanji to use the shower in my room. Once we were all clean and ready, the two of us dressed ourselves in my bedroom. Hanji’s dress was a gorgeous shade of lavender that stretched down to her thighs and hugged every single one of her curves. Only her right arm was covered with a sleeve, while the other was left bare. Although she didn’t wear dresses that often, she looked absolutely stunning in it. It suited her in the best ways—not too fancy, but classy all the same. She insisted on keeping her hair in its usual ponytail, however, and settled on a pair of black flats instead of heels.

“I’m not trying to impress anyone specific,” she told me as she tied up her hair with an elastic band. I only gave her a nod before turning back to my own attire.

The dress Lisbeth and Matthias had sent me was a comfortable fit—it didn’t feel like it would slide off my shoulders at any moment, unlike most of the gowns I had to wear to these balls. Hanji helped me with lacing up the corset and tying the ribbon around my back. Once I was finished, she helped me brush out my hair and plait it in a double braid-back style that wrapped around the back of my head. The rest of my hair fell loose around my shoulders. It was still too long for my taste; I would have to cut it tomorrow once we were back at the base.

Hanji gave me a dreamy smile as she stepped back to admire me. “You look great, buddy! Where did you get that dress, anyway?! It looks like it was made especially for you!”

“It was…” I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, but it fell over my face a second later. “Cadet Brose’s mother made it for me, as a thank-you gift for keeping an eye out for her son.”

“Aw, that was sweet of her! But really, you look gorgeous! I know a lot of guys are going to have a hard time keeping their eyes off of you!”

I swallowed hard and fought back a shiver. I wasn’t used to having my shoulders exposed like this. I didn’t really have a sweater to take with me or anything. How was I going to last the entire night like this?

O _h well, at least it’s summertime. It probably won’t be that cool out, anyway._

The base was crawling with soldiers dressed in their finest. Fancy black carriages were lined up at the edge of the training grounds, each one pulled by a pair of brown horses. I barely managed to stifle a laugh at the pained expressions on the drivers’ faces. The royal assembly would only send escorts to our “less-than-ideal” base if there was a ball to attend, or an important conference with the king himself, just to ensure our arrival. Otherwise, the Scouts were on their own to make it to the capital.

Roughly thirty Scouts were attending the ball, most of them veterans like myself and Hanji. As the two of us made our way down the staircase, I peeked out the window at the group of soldiers by the carriages. Mike was already with his squad, climbing into one of the available coaches. I stifled a laugh as I saw Nanaba tug at the hem of her light green dress, grumbling to herself as she followed Gelgar into the carriage. I had only seen her in a skirt maybe once ever since I met her, and with her history with formal wear in mind, I knew she was hating every second of it.

Of course, not every attendee was a veteran. Erwin had given both my squad and Levi’s squad permission to go, considering they were part of our elite squads. No doubt the noblemen—and possible sponsors—wanted to meet them to get themselves hyped up for the next expedition. Even now, as I gazed out the window, I could see Gretel, Evan, and Gunther chatting amongst themselves, while Eld and Murphy adjusted their ties. Reggie stood off to the side, shifting his weight and looking back at the line of carriages behind him.

When the first floor of the castle was in sight, Hanji began to run down the rest of the stairs. I continued to walk at a moderate pace, my hand still gripping the railing. I didn’t want to take the chance and accidentally fall, even if I was in flats instead of heels.

“Moblit!”

Hanji raced to her assistant at the end of the stairs, who was tugging at the cuffs of his white jacket. Upon seeing the two of us, he gave us a sweet smile. He looked rather dashing tonight; his brown hair was slicked back, and his white suit was free of any wrinkles. I waved to him from my spot on the stairs, while Hanji nearly toppled over him in her excitement.

“You ready to go? Come on!”

She didn’t even give him the chance to reply as she wrapped her fingers around his wrist and tugged him out of the castle. He barely managed to give me a farewell smile as the bespectacled woman dragged him through the wooden doors and into the late afternoon air.

I rolled my eyes, hiding a smile behind my hand. For some reason, Hanji was always fascinated by these fancy balls the royal government liked to host. While she didn’t care much for dressing up and catering to the nobles, she did enjoy the view the castle gave of the city, as well as the rich banquets of food offered to the soldiers. It was our only chance to eat as much as we could. Of course, more than once Hanji had made herself sick, and Moblit and I were the ones stuck with taking care of her for the next couple of days.

_Only five steps to go in these stupid shoes. You can make it, Wolf. Just don’t look down and you’ll be fine._

However, when I forced myself to look up, I felt my chest tighten. Another person was standing at the end of the staircase, cloaked by the shadows of the doors. At first I believed it was Jax, but I let out a sigh when I saw he was already outside, talking to one of the carriage drivers. Besides, the silhouette of the man before me was much too short to be my ex-boyfriend.

I chewed on my bottom lip as Levi’s eyes met mine. The two of us stared at each other, silver into amber, refusing to move an inch. I swallowed hard when I saw his eyes widen just a bit as he took in my outfit. With a blush on my face, I let my eyes roam his own attire.

He had chosen a simple white button-down shirt and a pair of black trousers, along with a matching black vest. His jacket was buttoned all the way up, and his white cravat was tied neatly around his neck. His black hair hung loosely over his piercing silver eyes, sending shivers along my arms and legs. If Moblit looked adorable in his formal wear, Levi was absolutely gorgeous.

“Um…”

With my flustered state, as well as my inability to form a coherent sentence, it was hard to believe I was facing the same man I had just had sex with last night.

_What do I have to be scared of at this point?! We’ve seen everything the other has to offer, so what’s the problem? Just suck it up and talk to him, Wolf! You can do it!_

“…You look handsome, Levi.”

He made that little _tch_ sound with his lips, rolling his eyes at my compliment. “If you say so, brat.”

He held out his hand, and I took it without hesitation. As he led me down the rest of the stairs, his eyes darted away from mine, focusing on the floor instead.

“You look good, Wolf.” He sucked in a sharp breath, as if he was cringing at himself. “Well, I mean…you look _nice_ , or whatever…”

I threw a glance over my shoulder, to make sure the two of us were completely alone. Once I knew the coast was clear, I reached up and planted a kiss on his cheek, squeezing his hand in mine.

“Thanks, Levi. That means a lot to me.”

He shrugged his shoulders before leading us through the exit of the castle. “Sure, whatever.” As he walked toward the line of carriages, I was ecstatic to see a light shade of pink on his face. “Let’s just get this over with.”

|~|

Despite their fancy appearance, the carriages moved at a speedy pace. We found ourselves within Wall Sina as the sun began to touch the horizon, and we arrived at the capital just as the stars began to shimmer in the sky. Faint streaks of red and blue were splashed across the sky, and the air was crisp and warm. Overall, it was a gorgeous summer night.

As Erwin led us through the castle, I kept my hand wrapped around Levi’s. The two of us had ridden here together in the same carriage—Levi insisted after spotting Jax in the next carriage over—and even as we made it inside the castle, we refused to leave each other’s side. Although I enjoyed holding his hand in my own, I couldn’t help but look over my shoulder every few minutes, to see if any of our fellow soldiers were paying attention to the lack of distance between us. Thankfully, they all seemed too occupied with the decorated castle around us to even notice.

The ballroom was absolutely extravagant, as elegant as ever. The golden walls had been scrubbed clean and decorated with little lanterns, their tiny flickering flames giving the dancers some much-needed light. The chandelier above was draped with silver ribbons, each of them winding down the arms and leading to a lit candle. In the corner of the room, a long table had been laid out, filled to the brim with different dishes and snacks. Another table sat close by, holding an assortment of wine for the patrons. A young man stood beside it, pouring a rich red drink into the glass of an older woman. The center of the room was left alone, serving as a dancefloor for many young couples, while a small group of men played their instruments softly.

Ma had told me about the different kinds of instruments people could play within the Walls, but because of their high cost and delicate nature, only the citizens of Wall Sina could afford to play them. Her father had been one of them, always stringing a tune on his violin whenever she had trouble falling asleep. A soft smile made its way to my face as I recognized the instrument in the air. Hearing it now made me think of my mother, and with a sigh, I reached up and touched the wolf necklace resting against my throat.

_She’s still here, even if I can’t see her. I know she is, I can feel it._

And the people— _by the Walls_ , the people! No matter how often I saw the noblemen and women of Wall Sina, I was always struck silent by their beauty and wealth. Many of the young men present were dressed in their finest, black and white suits with bowties and dark gray vests with matching cravats. There were quite a few of them that I could almost consider attractive—except for the usual snobby lords that always made moves on the female soldiers. Once or twice Hanji and I would meet a young man who was honestly interested in the Scouts and their goals, but they were few and far between. Most of them ended up being the portly men who drank too much and asked one too many personal questions about the lives of the soldiers.

The women were stunning, their hair different shades of brown and blond, with a few black-haired beauties among them. Sparkling gemstones hung from their ears and dotted their necks, and they each donned hairstyles that held their locks up and above their necks, with a few strands draping over their ears. Their dresses almost shone in the candlelight, different shades of gold, silver, burgundy, crimson, and chartreuse swimming among the crowd. A majority of the women wore white gloves that stretched up to their elbows, and when they held out their hands to the men, they brought them to their mouths and gave them a tender kiss. But their appearance was where their beauty ended. Much like the men at their sides, most of the women disregarded us and wrote us off as suicidal idiots who were eager to waste their precious money on fruitless trips. Ever since I started attending these balls, when I was sixteen years old, I had been forced to endure the scathing comments the noblewomen muttered under their breath about me.

Levi’s hand tightened around my own as the crowd of Scouts began to break apart. Being the smooth-talking gentlemen that he always was, Erwin began to socialize with a group of men toward the center of the room. With his pristine white suit and his neat blond hair, he almost blended in with the noblemen surrounding him. But we all knew the truth; Erwin was ten times the man any of these bastards could ever hope to be.

Meanwhile, Hanji headed straight for the buffet table, with Moblit close behind. I watched out of the corner of my eye as my cadets huddled off to the side, lost in conversation with each other. Eventually, an elderly man approached them and began to speak with them in a gentle tone. Judging by the relaxed looks on their faces, I knew there was nothing to worry about.

“…Well?” I stole a look at Levi’s face, eager to hear his thoughts on all of this. His eyes continued to roam the ballroom, his lips parted slightly. “What do you think?” This _was_ his first royal party, after all. I wanted to know what he thought of it.

He closed his mouth and looked me dead in the eye. “It’s all bullshit.”

I stifled a laugh and elbowed him in the ribs. “Hey, come on! You can’t talk like that in front of these guys, you know. They’re somewhat sensitive to that kind of language.” I couldn’t tell you how many women had been absolutely appalled because they heard me mutter a curse under my breath.

“Does it look like I give a fuck? They can shove their sensitivity up their ass, for all I care.”

“Levi, stop!” I was full-on giggling at this point, desperately trying to hide my face behind my hand. “I’m serious, keep your voice down. How would they react if they found out Humanity’s Strongest Soldier actually has a foul mouth in real life?!”

I led him over to a less-crowded corner of the room, far away from the dancefloor and the wine table. At least now we had a miniscule of privacy. But once we were out of earshot from the surrounding noblemen, he leaned in close to my face, his breath clouding over my ear.

“If I remember right, you seem to _enjoy_ my foul mouth.”

I swallowed hard at his gravelly tone, my face and neck already blooming with heat. Was he really going to do this _now_ , of all places?! What happened to waiting until we got back to base?!

I pressed a hand against his chest, nearly jumping when I felt his heart beating beneath my palm. As much as I wanted to shrug this party off and find a secluded room to spend time with him, I knew we couldn’t take any risks. The future of the Survey Corps was riding on this party, and I wasn’t going to let our impatience and eagerness for each other ruin anything for Erwin.

“Not now, Levi,” I whispered with a smile. “I told you, we’ll continue _after_ the party. You can wait that long, can’t you?”

“I suppose, you little brat.”

For a moment, I was sure he was going to lean in and kiss me. If we were in either his office or mine, there was no doubt he would plant his lips on me. But there were too many people around to witness it, and we both had reputations to maintain. Besides, only a handful of Scouts were even aware of our close bond, and that boiled down to Hanji, Erwin, Mike, and Moblit. There was no telling what would happen if we dropped such a dramatic sign of affection on our comrades like that. The rumors between us were already too much to handle, and I didn’t want to add any more fuel to the fire.

“Anyway, I’m going to start looking around for Leyna. You want to come? I know you don’t really like her, but…”

Levi’s eyes darted to the far side of the room, where Jax was deeply invested in his conversation with the other members of the royal assembly. Without a word, he reached down and held my hand in his own. The answer was clear; he was sticking with me, whether I liked it or not.

“Lead the way, Wolf.”

With his fingers laced with mine, the two of us began to move around the room. A few Military Police officers were stationed at the doors, switching out with each other every once in a while. Thankfully, the party didn’t appear to be too rowdy—it was a miracle, considering the amount of wine that had been provided. It was still early in the night, though; I was certain that would change eventually.

I couldn’t spot Leyna anywhere. Even in the thickest part of the crowd, my sister was nowhere to be found. She liked putting herself in the public eye as often as possible, especially at elegant parties like this one. She was always eager to meet new people and talk with them for hours, even as a young girl. It always made me and Ben nauseous to see her converse with complete strangers for hours on end.

Finally, I found a familiar face among the crowd: Leyna’s boyfriend Emil was standing beside the wine counter, surveying the group of nobles around him. He was wearing a handsome black suit, with his blond hair brushed back and curling at his neck. He held a glass of wine in one hand, with his other hand shoved into his pants pocket. When he saw me approaching him, with Levi in tow, he gave us a kind smile.

“Mia! It’s nice to see you. You as well, Captain Levi.” He held out his hand to him, and after I gave him a nod, he reluctantly shook it. “How have you two been faring?”

“We’ve been okay, for the most part.” I didn’t miss the way Levi shifted uncomfortably next to me. He wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. “By the way, do you know where Leyna is? I haven’t seen her all night…”

His face fell at the mention of my sister. “She’s at the other end of the castle. The king wants us all to be on guard tonight, monitoring every inch of the capital. She’ll be here later tonight, though. We’re on rotation, after all.”

It was hard to miss the sense of longing in his voice. It was obvious he loved my sister dearly, even though I still couldn’t understand what he saw in her. Of course he wanted to be with her tonight. They were the ones who actually enjoyed these lavish parties. I would trade places with them in a heartbeat, and I was sure Levi wouldn’t hesitate to do so, either.

“Oh, okay…”

At least I had a little more time before I had to face my sister. I was still hung up on our argument from a few months ago, and I still wasn’t sure how to apologize to her. At least I could think about what to say before I actually had to talk to her.

“Mr. Branner!”

Emil nearly jumped at the sudden voice. With another gulp of his drink, he turned around and smiled at the man advancing toward us. He was a middle-aged man, with thinning brown hair and soft wrinkles on his face. He was dressed in a dark red suit and tie, with a black vest underneath. Everything about him, from his outfit to the way he carried himself, confirmed his high status as a nobleman. But despite this, his face was kind and his smile was warm.

“You didn’t tell me you were friends with two of the Survey Corps’ finest soldiers!” He clapped Emil on the back rather forcefully, earning an awkward smile from the blond man. “Well, what are you waiting for? Introduce me to them already!”

I bit back a smirk at the half-empty glass of wine in the newcomer’s hand. It wasn’t even midnight, and already this man was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol.

Emil cleared his throat before motioning to the man, who straightened up his posture and tugged at his tie. “This is Peter Vetle, the head of Vetle Estate in the southern valley of Wall Sina. My lord, this is Captain Wolf, the head of the Elite Reconnaissance Squad, and Captain Levi, the head of the Special Operations Squad.”

I had heard of Vetle Estate—the Scouts often passed it during our annual trips to Mitras, and once or twice my father had taken us through there on walks when we still lived in Ehrmich District. It was a huge golden manor with at least six stories, and a large field rested around it, gated off with a shining silver fence. When we were kids, Leyna used to tell me all the time she wanted to live in a house just like that one.

“It’s an honor to meet you, captains.” Before either of us could speak, he grabbed our hands and shook them vigorously. I bit back a laugh at Levi’s not-so-subtle look of disgust as he pulled his hand away. “I appreciate what you’ve done for humanity so far, I really do. I’ve always been fascinated with the Scouts, ever since I was a child. But I could never muster up the courage to join them myself.”

I gave him a smile, hoping it wasn’t too awkward. He sounded like he was trying too hard to appease us, to make it sound like he was actually one of our friends. While I knew he was one of our regular sponsors, the Scouts never really had a close relationship with him. Still, talking to him was much better than being demeaned and humiliated by the other nobles around us.

“In fact,” he continued, taking another sip of his wine, to which Emil visibly cringed at, “my youngest daughter wants to join the Scouts when she’s old enough. I’ve tried to talk her out of it, since I don’t want her to leave Wall Sina sooner than she has to, but she won’t listen to a word I say. Little Rosie is quite stubborn for a six-year-old, you know.”

I couldn’t take it anymore; Levi’s pained face was almost too much for me to bear. If I kept looking at it any longer than I already was, I was sure I would burst out laughing. I snuck a peek at the buffet table, where the rest of my squad was currently standing. Eld and Gunther were with them, as well, still in awe at the lavish environment around them.

“Ah, I hope you don’t mind,” I spoke up, interrupting the man’s latest story about his family, “but I’m just going to check up on my cadets over there. It is their first time in Mitras, after all. It’s a pleasure meeting you, Lord Vetle,” I added, bending my knees in a curtsy.

“Likewise, Captain Wolf,” he chirped with a smile. “I hope to speak with you again!”

As soon as he lifted his eyes off of me, I leaned over to Levi, brushing my mouth over his ear. “I’ll be right back. Try not to kill anyone while I’m gone, okay?”

“No promises, Wolf.”

With a smile and a final squeeze to his hand, I made my way over to the buffet table. My poor cadets were as stiff as the stone walls of the castle, drinking in the decorated ballroom with wide eyes and open mouths. Reggie and Gretel looked relieved when they saw me approach them, while Gunther and Murphy still stared up at the ceiling. Eld and Evan, however, were trying to ignore the prying eyes of the nobles and lose themselves in the pastries they had picked up from the table.

“Enjoying your first royal ball, kids?” I nearly laughed at the dead-eyed expressions Gretel and Reggie shot my way.

“This dress is too tight,” Gretel muttered, tugging at the hem of her golden gown. “How do you put up with that corset, captain? I can barely breathe in mine!”

“Many years of practice, Mayer.” I grabbed a fresh glass of water from the edge of the table and took a sip. “I’ve had to attend many of these parties over the years, unfortunately. Have you met any of our sponsors, yet?”

“A few,” Gunther responded softly. “Some of them were nice. Some of them…” His eyes darted to Murphy, who shrugged his shoulders hopelessly. “Well, some of them are a little… _intimidating_.”

Well, _that_ was putting it nicely. I had to admire the kid’s restraint. At his age, I was ready to pummel anyone who insulted me or Hanji for being part of the Survey Corps. At least Gunther and the rest of the kids knew not to say anything like that out loud in front of those rich bastards.

“I know,” I sighed, gulping down another mouthful of water, “but we have to bear it. It’s part of the job, right?” I was met with a chorus of groans. “It’s alright, it’ll be over before you know it. And just think—when we get back to base, you’ll have the rest of the day off to relax and complain about tonight. I don’t know about you, but to me, that sounds like a pretty good deal.”

Besides, there was also the promise of spending the night in Levi’s bed once more. How could I _not_ be looking forward to the end of this damn party?

With my glass in my hand, I bit farewell to the kids and headed back to the wine counter. But when I got there, Emil was all alone, a nervous look on his face—and holding two empty wine glasses in his hands.

 _Shit, I leave him with my boyfriend for two minutes and he’s already gone._ “…Where did Levi go?”

“Ah, Lord Vetle saw your Commander and Lord Dumarque a few moments ago and wanted to speak with them…and he ended up taking Levi with him.”

 _I’ll be surprised if Lord Vetle’s not missing a hand after that little stunt_. “Alright, whatever. I should probably go find him; I don’t trust him to keep his mouth shut for too long, if you know what I mean.”

Emil stifled a laugh before handing the wine glasses off to the young man behind the counter. “I’m guessing he doesn’t like social events?”

“More like he doesn’t like socializing in general. And I can’t really blame him—I don’t like it that much, either.”

There was no need to explain what little bit I knew of Levi’s past to Emil. That was between me and Levi, and nobody else. It wasn’t my job to share that kind of information with anyone in the first place, anyway. So I was glad when Emil didn’t try to push the subject.

“Well, it’s been nice talking to you, Mia. When she gets here, I’ll let Leyna know where you are.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.”

You know, for a rich inner district kid who was now one of the highest-ranking officers among the Military Police Brigade, Emil wasn’t half bad. He was kind and sweet, and he didn’t turn his nose up at conversing with lowly Scouts like myself. He was alright in my book.

But I still didn’t know what he saw in my sister.

I gave him a wave before heading out into the crowd of nobles. I kept my eyes peeled, but in the sea of bright colors, I couldn’t spot his familiar black undercut anywhere. My skin started to prickle as I realized I couldn’t see Hanji or Erwin, either.

_Calm down, Wolf. He has to be here somewhere. He couldn’t have gotten too far._

“Captain Wolf?”

I stopped in my tracks, my skin prickling at the new voice. I glanced over to my right, where an older man was walking up to me, with a young woman trailing behind him. The man had a stern face, his golden hair alight with silvery strands and his dark green eyes sunken into his face. He wore a simple white suit, much like Erwin’s, but with a golden badge on the front pocket. To signify his wealth, I assumed. The woman was dressed in a bright red gown that stretched to her ankles, with bits of gold outlining the sleeves and neckline. The man held a glass of champagne in his hand, and the young woman—whom I assumed was his daughter, judging by the youthfulness of her face, held a similar glass with a blood red liquid inside.

_Sheesh, these nobles must really love their alcohol, don’t they?_

I swallowed hard and offered them a kind smile. “Yes?” I didn’t want to get on their bad side already; I had to set an example for my cadets, after all.

The man gave me a curt nod, while the young woman refused to meet my eyes. “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” he said in a rough voice, bowing slightly to me. “My name is Friedrich Auer, the head of Auer Estate. This is my daughter, Amelie.” The girl curtseyed, but I could see the devilish look in her eye. To her, I was no better than the speck of dust on the bottom of her gorgeous red heels.

I cleared my throat and curtseyed, as well. “A pleasure to meet you, as well, Lord Auer. I’ve heard many good things about you from Commander Erwin.” Maybe Erwin mentioned him only once or twice, but it never hurt to suck up to them a little bit.

“Indeed.” He gave me another nod before sipping his champagne. “Well, I don’t mean to keep you occupied for too long. I just wanted to meet the best soldiers the Survey Corps has to offer. Your Commander managed to pique my interest in you and your comrades.”

I hid a smile at that. Erwin was such a natural at negotiating with these hard-asses, no matter what they threw his way.

“Well, I’m honored to be given the chance to meet you, my lord. And I must say, your daughter is quite beautiful.”

If she was modest in any sort of way, she would have given me even the slightest of smiles. But her face remained stoic, her beautiful blue eyes dark and almost wicked. Her hair was held up in a bun, her golden curls framing her perfect face.

_She almost reminds me of Leyna, but a worse version of her. At least Leyna can accept compliments and crack a smile every now and then._

“Thank you, captain. Now, if I may, would you mind keeping her company for just a bit? I should go get us a refill,” he added with a chuckle.

I resisted the urge to raise an eyebrow at this request. Was he really asking me to spend time with his spoiled rotten daughter while he went off to fetch them some more wine? I didn’t have time for this; I had to find Levi before he decided to really let the noblemen have it.

“I—”

But he was already gone, leaving me alone with his beautiful blond daughter.

I swallowed hard and gave her what I hoped was a kind smile. “I’m pleased to meet you, Lady Auer.” When she didn’t respond, I cleared my throat and tried again. “Uh, how are you enjoying the party so far? I know the cadets in my squad are having the time of their lives.”

_Ugh, Gretel would kill me right now if she heard me talking like this. Put me out of my misery already!_

“It’s alright,” she answered after a moment, swishing her drink in her hand. “Nothing like the annual festival the king holds in the wintertime, though. To be honest, this is quite boring compared to that.”

I nodded, glancing down at the elegant white floor. I was so out of place here, sticking out like a sore thumb. Even with my beautiful handmade dress, I still didn’t fit in here with the rest of the noblewomen.

_Well, maybe that’s a good thing. You’re nothing like them to begin with, are you? You don’t have to stoop to their level._

Suddenly, Amelie’s eyes lit up as she gazed across the room. “Is that Humanity’s Strongest over there?”

My heart leapt in my throat. Indeed, when I followed her bright blue gaze, I could see Levi standing at the other end of the room, with Erwin and Lord Vetle at his side. I bit back a laugh as I saw the annoyed expression painted on his face, and the way he shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants. He was just counting down the hours until we could go home, it seemed. And honestly, I couldn’t find it in my heart to blame him.

“Is he married, Miss Wolf?”

I didn’t miss the way she referred to me as _Miss Wolf_ , similar to Aurille throughout every single conference with the royal assembly. At least her father had the courtesy to refer to me by my proper title!

But then her question sank in, and a cold wave of dread washed over my body. Why did she want to know whether or not he was married? She wasn’t interested in him, was she? My stomach churned at the thought of another woman batting her eyelashes at the man I loved.

_Calm down, Wolf. She’s probably just interested in him, like Vivienne and Elise were. He does have a mysterious aura to him, you know._

“No.” My voice was probably harsher than I intended, but I didn’t care. “But I believe he may already be romantically involved with another girl, so I wouldn’t get my hopes up.”

Her eyebrow arched up at this new information. “Oh? Do you happen to know who this girl is?”

 _It’s **me** , you fucking bitch!_ “Another soldier in the Survey Corps, I think. But he doesn’t like to discuss it with anyone. He prefers to keep his personal matters to himself.”

“I see.” She cleared her throat, tugging at the golden necklace resting on her throat. “Well then, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to chat with him for a bit, would it? Would you mind introducing me to him, Miss Wolf?”

I felt like I was going to vomit. There was something about this woman that just felt off. I didn’t want her anywhere near Levi, or any of the other Scouts. I didn’t know what it was, but something about her just didn’t feel right.

“I don’t think now is a good time, Lady Auer. Lord Vetle is still talking to him; I don’t think it would be wise to interrupt them. Besides, I’m sure your father will be back soon.”

_Yeah, where the hell **is** her father?! I don’t need to be stuck here babysitting some spoiled rich brat! _

“It’s fine,” she waved me off with a smirk, “he’ll find me. It’s been nice talking with you, Miss Wolf.” She gave me a wink before disappearing into the crowd, heading in Levi’s direction.

_Shit, no! Don’t go! Crap, I have to stop her! I have to—_

“Mia, there you are!”

My blood turned to ice in my veins at the all-too familiar voice. A lump formed in my throat as Jax curled an arm around my waist, pressing me close to his side. The smell of his cologne was enough to make me nauseous.

“I’ve been looking all over for you, you know. I’ve been meaning to speak with you for days now…” As he droned on, he began leading me to the opposite end of the ballroom, and away from the rest of the Scouts.

_Wait, what? No! Let go of me! I have to get back to Levi!_

But I couldn’t find my voice. It was lodged in my throat, the words dying on my tongue. I was helpless as he led me out onto the empty balcony outside.

_No! Snap out of it, Wolf! Don’t let him scare you again! You fought him off once, and you can do it again!_

Jax suddenly winced as I grasped his wrist, my nails biting into his soft skin. Before he could even move, I wrenched his arm off of me and took a step back. I glanced over my shoulder, relieved to see a few noblemen and women nearby on the balcony. At least he wouldn’t try anything too drastic if we were surrounded.

“Don’t touch me.” My voice was trembling, but I forced myself to continue. “I thought I told you to stay away from me. I don’t know who you think you are, but I am done with—”

“With what, Mia?” His voice was harsh and condescending, his eyes no more than dark blue slits. “Am I not allowed to talk to the infamous Captain Wolf of the Survey Corps? Or are you above me at this point?”

I was almost certain he had been drinking throughout the night. My suspicions were confirmed when he took a step closer, his breath tainted with the scent of wine. Immediately, my heartbeat began to pick up. An intoxicated Jax was an unpredictable one, and unpredictability often translated to danger with him. I had to be extra careful and get out of here the first chance I could.

“Not if you’re determined to make my life a living hell!” It was hard to keep my voice at a normal volume, especially with so many nobles around us. But I didn’t want to startle them; they didn’t need to be dragged into our drama. “Why can’t you just get it through your thick skull that I don’t want anything to do with you?! You’ve already…” I swallowed the wave of tears back. “You’ve already hurt me, so why can’t you accept that and move on?!”

“‘Accept it and move on’?!” There was a lethal edge to his tone. “Is that right? Am _I_ the one who can’t accept it, Mia? _You’re_ the one who can’t even talk about that night!”

My blood was singing in my veins. Was he really going to bring this up now, in front of all these people? I couldn’t believe the absolute gall he had to mention that now, of all the fucking times we spent together.

“I’ve come to terms with what you did to me, you bastard.” I sank my nails deep into my palms, leaving little crescent moons embedded in the skin. “And I’ve moved past that. It’s over and done with, so drop it. I don’t need you shoving it back in my face.”

How dare he bring up my ordeal when _he_ was the reason behind it in the first place? Now I definitely knew he was drunk; at least he was more subtle when he was sober. But now that he was intoxicated, he had absolutely no filter from his mind to his mouth. Just the mere sight of him made me want to puke.

He scoffed and shook his head. When he spoke, his voice was tinted with venom. “You haven’t moved on, Mia. You’re desperate for someone to save you. And you think _he’s_ the one who can do that?”

I knew he was talking about Levi as soon as the words left his lips. “Who else should I turn to, Jax? _You_? You were the one who put me in this mess to begin with. Everything that’s happening now is _your_ fault!”

Silence bathed the air between us, neither of us moving an inch. I was thankful for the distance between the two of us and the rest of the nobles on the balcony; they were close enough to protect me from Jax’s impulsiveness, but they were far away enough to ignore what we were saying.

Finally, Jax shook his head and stared at his shoes. “Maybe you wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with if _you_ hadn’t put up a fight that night.”

Everything happened so fast. One second, my vision flooded with red, and the next, the back of my right hand was burning with the worst pain imaginable. Jax winced and clutched his right cheek, a dark red welt already forming on the skin. I had backhanded him across the face.

“Fuck you.” My voice was nothing but a whisper. “Get out of my sight, Jax. You’ve done enough already.”

He rubbed his sore cheek with a scowl on his face. “You know I’m right, Mia. Everything is _your_ fault, not mine. And soon enough, your little boyfriend will realize you can’t get over it. He’ll get bored and leave you hanging.”

“I said go, Jax.” I kept my voice hard and firm. “Leave me alone.”

He scoffed one final time before leaving the balcony altogether, still clutching his injured cheek. With a heavy sigh, I leaned on the railing of the balcony and stared out into the city lights below. As the oblivious nobles chattered amongst themselves from all around me, I squeezed my eyes shut, trying my damned hardest to keep the flood of tears from falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mornings with Levi and Mia are quickly becoming my favorite thing to write... Also, we've finally reached the royal ball at Mitras! This is a little event that's been in the back of my mind ever since I started planning this story, and because I love drama, I couldn't resist putting it in. Also, we have to see Mia get protective of her man, right? (Also, Jax is being a manipulative bastard, but what else is new?) 
> 
> Hopefully I'll be able to post the next chapter by the end of October. But in the meantime, I'm happy to announce I'm posting a compilation of Kinktober prompts, featuring Levi and Mia! I'm going to start posting them on Oct. 1st, and hopefully I'll be able to update it throughout the month. This is my first time trying something like this, so bear with me! It'll be an experience for all of us, haha! 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Let me know what you think! I'll see you all soon--if not for this story, then for the Kinktober prompts. Until then, thank you so much for reading! :)


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovely readers! I'm so sorry I've been silent for the past couple of months! Life has decided to drop everything on me at once, and because of that, I wasn't able to focus on my writing as much as I would've liked. But now that I'm back on a schedule, I should be getting back into writing regularly. Anyway, this chapter includes some smut, so the warnings are posted below! Also, this chapter delves into some PTSD-related material, so proceed with caution if you're wary of that. With that said, I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Smut Warnings: suggestive language, dirty talk, oral sex (both male and female receiving), deep-throating, vaginal sex, etc.

|XLV|

The sky was starting to darken as the minutes ticked by. One by one, the nobles on the balcony began to depart, stepping back inside the castle to join the lavish party once more. It was only a matter of minutes before I was the only one left, still staring into the city lights beyond the castle walls.

_Ignore him, Wolf. You know his word means shit. He’s just trying to get you all riled up, he always has been. You can’t let him win and give in!_

But as hard as I tried, I couldn’t shake the memory of his words out of my head. They ran on a loop in my mind, growing louder every time they repeated themselves.

_“Maybe you wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with if **you** hadn’t put up a fight that night.” _

_If **you** hadn’t put up a fight. _

_If **you**. _

**_You._ **

I swallowed hard. _Me._

He was right. He was wrong, but at the same time, he was so right it hurt to think about it. In some twisted kind of way, it all made sense. Everything was my fault to begin with.

Maybe if I had just given him what he wanted that night, I wouldn’t be feeling like this. Maybe if I had just sucked it up and given him that night—just one night—maybe he would have left me alone. Maybe it wouldn’t have been as bad as I thought it would be. After all, it was just sex, right? What was the big deal?

_Maybe it really **is** my fault. Maybe this whole mess started not because of him, but because of **me**. _

I choked back a whimper, pressing a hand to my forehead. The city lights below were starting to become blurry and melt together. With a huff, I blinked the tears out of my eyes. But no matter how many I tried to get rid of, more of them took their place.

My heart leapt into my throat as the sound of footsteps thundered behind me. From their rapid pace, I could tell it wasn’t a nobleman or woman; they walked slowly, as to keep their shiny, expensive shoes intact. For a moment, I thought it was Jax, coming back to torment me once again. I wouldn’t be surprised—he always did like kicking me while I was down.

I wiped my eyes furiously as the source of the footsteps came closer. Whoever it was, I couldn’t afford to let them see me like this. I was enough of a wreck already, and I didn’t need Hanji, Levi, or any of the other Scouts asking me why I looked so upset. I just couldn’t deal with that tonight, not after what had happened.

“It’s about time. I was looking all over for you, brat.”

My shoulders sagged a bit at Levi’s familiar voice. As he took his place beside me on the railing, leaning his elbows on the edge, all I wanted to do was curl up into his warmth and feel his arms around me. He always made me feel safe and secure, and even now, I knew I could count on him to protect me.

But I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve _him_. Not after what Jax had said to me.

_“He’ll get bored and leave you hanging.”_

I almost had half a mind to slam my head into the railing below. _Cut it out! Levi would never leave you, and you know it! Stop believing every word that bastard says! You’ve ignored him for this long, so why can’t you ignore him now?!_

God, was I _really_ such a burden to him? What if I could never move past what Jax had done to me? Would he really start to believe I wasn’t worth the trouble and simply leave?

_What if you freeze up the next time you guys have sex? What if you don’t want to continue, but he wants to anyway? What if he’s not willing to wait around for you anymore? What if he—_

_No, stop second-guessing yourself! You know Levi would never do that! He’s nothing like Jax, and you know it!_

“Hey, you alright?”

There was a slight prick of pain to my forehead. When I turned to the side, I saw his hand hovering over the side of my face. The sneaky bastard had flicked my forehead, just like he always did.

“…I—”

“Come on, spit it out. I know you have something on your mind, so just say it.” He inched closer to me on the railing, so our elbows brushed against each other. I jerked my arm away, causing him to frown. “What’s your problem?”

Tears burned behind my eyes. I didn’t want to get into another fight with him. But I didn’t want to come clean to him, either. He already had so much to worry about, what with his squad and the royal government and our constant responsibilities as captains. He didn’t need to be worrying about me on top of that.

I pressed my lips together and turned my head back to the city lights below. Now, they were no more than blurry messes of yellow and orange light. No matter how many times I blinked the tears away, they just kept on coming.

There was a huff from the man beside me. But instead of grumbling at me or starting a fight, he reached over and placed his hand on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. I held my breath, desperately trying not to lean into his warmth.

“I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s wrong.”

His voice was soft and gentle—so unlike the cold, hard captain I had grown to love. I knew he was trying his best, and it wasn’t fair of me to ignore him like this. He wasn’t the best with words, but he was trying, for my sake. I owed him an explanation to my sour mood, if nothing else. He deserved that much, at the very least.

But I didn’t even know where to start. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. Where was I even supposed to begin to explain what had happened? _“Oh yeah, by the way, my ex-boyfriend is really drunk right now, and he blatantly told me to my face that it’s my fault I was nearly raped. Apparently I put up too much of a fight.”_ That was a horrible way to put it! Just the thought of it made my stomach churn.

Levi squeezed my shoulder again, turning my body to face his own. Thankfully, his patience hadn’t been decimated by the party so far. He was still willing to work with me, even after everything I had put him through.

“Did that bastard say anything to you?”

_It never takes you too long to figure it out, does it Levi?_

With a pitiful nod, I raised my hands back up to my face and dabbed the tears away. I bit my tongue to hold back the sobs; a moment later, the taste of blood flooded my mouth.

“It’s…it’s nothing.”

_Great convincing argument there, Wolf. Tell him there’s nothing wrong when you’re practically bawling your eyes out. That’ll get him to drop the subject._

Both hands came around my shoulders, and he tugged me against his chest. He didn’t seem to care that we were only a few feet away from the party, in plain sight of the nobles in the next room. I placed a hand on his chest, but he refused to move away.

“It’s not nothing,” he whispered, his breath warming my cheeks. “What did he say to you, Mia? Tell me.”

We both knew I wouldn’t tell him—not right now, anyway. He knew by now that he would get nowhere with asking me outright about my ex-boyfriend. He had to give me some space and let me tell him in my own time. While I knew I was being a bit of a jerk with it, I was grateful he wasn’t being pushy.

“Just the usual,” I answered, sucking in a deep breath. “…You know how he is by now…” The hand I had rested against his chest curled into a fist. “He…he just likes to get under my skin, that’s all…”

He huffed under his breath, and I could tell he didn’t believe a word I had said. Still, he stayed silent and continued to hold me, his fingertips digging deeper into my bare shoulders. His skin was warm and pleasant against my own; with a small smile, I remembered the previous night, and how the two of us had held each other as we drifted off to sleep.

“You want me to kick his ass for you?” That familiar possessive light was back in his eyes, burning with silver fire. “I swear, I’ll shove my foot so far up his ass—”

“No, it’s fine.” I winced at how fast the words leapt from my mouth. I was still so determined to protect that bastard, no matter what he did to me. “He’s not worth it. I don’t want you getting in trouble.”

“I don’t care about—”

“Levi.”

He snapped his mouth shut at the sound of my voice. Maybe he finally got the hint. Even if I did want him to make a scene, this wasn’t exactly the ideal place to do it. There were too many fancy nobles here to witness it; I didn’t think they would appreciate the sight of Levi beating the ever-loving hell out of my ex-boyfriend.

“It’s fine. I’m okay…” I swallowed hard. “I promise.”

But I wasn’t okay. Jax’s words were still swimming around in my head, eating away at the edges of my brain. My temples throbbed at the memory of his scrunched up face—the same face I used to think was the handsomest one I had ever laid eyes on. My stomach flipped as his slurred speech replayed itself in my ears, the scent of alcohol still lingering in the air.

 _Fuck_ , why did he still have so much power over me?

No, that wasn’t the question I should have been asking myself. Why was I _letting_ him have so much power over me?

I had gone through so many years of my life without even thinking about that asshole. For so many years, I was able to get through my days without looking over my shoulder. And now that he was suddenly where I could see him again I couldn’t even stop myself from crying? What the fuck was wrong with me?

_Maybe it really is your fault, Wolf. It’s your fault he has this much of an effect on you in the first place. Maybe it’s your fault you’re this upset about it in the first place._

“Hey.”

Levi’s hand ghosted over my cheek, his scarred palm pressing into my skin. As much as I didn’t want to, I found myself basking in his warmth, leaning further into his touch. He was just so warm, so comforting… And he made me feel so safe, no matter what.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” he whispered, reiterating his words from Mitras all those months ago. “But at least let me help you. Don’t push me away.”

My eyes widened. Those were the same words I had whispered to him within the ruins of Skoll Castle, back when we were stuck outside Wall Rose in the dead of winter. I had begged him not to push me away, to let me in so I could help him. And yet here I was, going against my own advice, trying desperately to push him away.

What kind of person did that make me?

I forced my head up, searching his silver eyes for any sign of disgust. But I found no such thing. He was being genuine right now, not acting out of mere sympathy or guilt. He really _did_ want to help me.

_I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve to be with someone like me. He deserves someone better—maybe like that girl, Lady Auer. Yeah, I don’t think she would disappoint him like this._

“Stop it. I know that look,” he hissed, bringing my face closer to his. I pushed a bit harder on his chest—not enough to break away, but enough to warn him. We _were_ only a few feet away from the rest of the party, after all. “That’s your constipated look. The look you get when you get all mopey and hopeless and shit. Stop it _now_. You don’t need those thoughts in your head right now.”

“But—”

“No buts, brat.” A familiar warmth pooled in my chest at the nickname. “You don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. But I’m not going to stand here and watch you look all depressed like that. Not if you won’t let me help you.”

By the Walls, he was trying so hard, wasn’t he? I had to admire his resilience. I would have given up on me years ago.

“…I just want to go home.”

His eyes flickered at my confession; apparently, he hadn’t been expecting _that_. But he only nodded, his fingers wrapping around my wrist. “Alright, I’ll go tell Erwin. Maybe we can stay in one of the carriages until it’s time to leave, does that sound good?”

I nodded vigorously. Anything to get me away from Jax and the rest of these nobles.

“Okay, come on.”

But before he pulled me away from the railing, I turned my head to the side—and I really wished I hadn’t. Standing amidst the crowd of beautiful figures was Lady Auer herself, her bright blue eyes slanted in my direction. Her father was only a few feet away, conversing with a fellow nobleman, but she didn’t appear to be interested in them. No, her attention was focused on me—and the man at my side.

Something inside me snapped. Suddenly, I was sick of it. I was sick of always being pushed around by Jax. I was sick of being looked down on by all of these rich pricks. I was sick of this lady looking at me like I was unworthy of being within three feet of the man in my arms—the man she barely even knew herself. I was sick of _all_ of it, and I couldn’t take anymore.

I had reached my breaking point.

I grasped Levi’s wrist with a firm hand, pulling him back into my chest. His silver eyes widened slightly, his hands curling around my upper arms. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. _Huh_. That was a first.

With a final sideways glance at the lady in question, I wrapped my fingers around that silly white cravat of his, tugging him down and mashing my mouth against his.

Who did she think she was, trying to make a move on my man? She barely even knew him, and yet she had the damn _gall_ to ask me whether or not he was married. She had no right to ask about him like that, no way to try to intrude on our private lives. She had no claim over him whatsoever.

This man in front of me? He was _mine_. No one else’s. Not hers, not Hanji’s, not any of the other girls in the Scouts. He belonged to _me_ , just as I belonged to him. And I wasn’t about to let some prissy rich girl try to steal him away from me.

No, scratch that—I wasn’t about to let _anyone_ steal him away from me.

I pulled away from his lips with a soft _pop_ , keeping my hand wrapped up in his silky white cravat. Every cell in my brain screamed at me to pull away, to keep our little relationship a secret from everyone around us. And to an extent, I listened—but one more peek at Lady Auer’s red face told me everything I needed to know.

_Mine. Not yours. He’s **mine**. _

Her cheeks were puffed out, her fingers as white as snow around the wine glass in her hand. A part of me wanted to look away, but I kept my eyes on hers. No, I couldn’t look away just yet. I wanted to savor this little taste of victory—especially after she had tortured me earlier.

_Good. Next time, don’t bat your eyelashes at my boyfriend._

A soft snicker made me turn around and face the man in front of me. The moment I saw that familiar smug look on his face, a blush began to settle over my cheeks.

“What was that all about?”

“I…” I cleared my throat and gave him a smile. “What? A girl can’t be a little possessive of her boyfriend?”

“‘Boyfriend,’ huh?” He quirked an eyebrow, the corner of his mouth inching up in a smirk. “Is that what I am to you, _sweetheart_?”

My face was practically burning right now—but that wasn’t the _only_ thing bothering me right now. His deep, growly voice had sent a wave of shivers dancing down my spine, and my fingers tightened around his cravat on instinct. Memories of the previous night flooded my mind; almost on cue, the space between my thighs began to throb with excitement.

“Well, what should I call you, huh?” I took a step away from him, my fingers fluttering down from his cravat to lace through his own. “Or do you like being called my boyfriend?”

“No, that’s fine with me.” Suddenly, he leaned in close to me, his lips brushing against the shell of my ear. “But I prefer it when you call me your _captain_.”

_Oh, fuck you._

He was playing with fire now. I was already a mess, my emotions out of whack thanks to my unpleasant experience with Jax. But now, all of that anger had melted away. Now, I felt nothing but pure, unbridled _lust_. The taste of his lips still lingered on mine, and with another chill down my spine, I remembered how his head had felt between my legs last night. I wanted to recreate those memories, to burn them in my mind until they were all I could think about. I wanted him bad, and I wanted him now. And I wasn’t interested in waiting around until we got to the base.

Oh no, not tonight.

“Meet me on the other side of the room, near the door. Tell Erwin and the others I don’t feel well.” Well, it wasn’t exactly a lie; I was still a bit shaken up from earlier. “Maybe then we can leave a bit earlier.”

“Tch, why can’t you just come with me and tell him yourself?”

 _Then it’s too obvious we’re trying to get away!_ Sheesh, for such a sharp and observant man, he could be so dense sometimes. “Oh, come on! Haven’t you heard of being subtle?”

“Haven’t _you_?” he retorted with a smile. “You’re the least subtle person I know.”

“Well, if that’s what you think, then I guess we can just forget about it.” It was hard not to laugh at the look on his face. “We don’t _have_ to leave early, if you don’t want to.”

His fingers tightened around my own, his palm pressing against mine. His hand was warm and comforting, despite all the scars on his skin.

“Besides,” I stretched out my other hand, brushing against his upper arm, “it’ll look better if no one sees us leave together. We don’t want anyone to get suspicious of us, right?”

He scoffed at that. “You didn’t seem all that worried a few minutes ago, when you pulled me in like that.”

“Hey, it was a quick kiss!”

“Still a kiss.”

“What, are you regretting it already?”

There was a devious look on his face—the kind that made my blood sing in my veins. “Sweetheart, I don’t regret _anything_ when it comes you.”

Maybe at another time, I would have thought it was romantic. After all, it took a lot for Levi to attempt to be romantic. And in a certain light, it kind of was. No matter what, he always knew just what to say to make me swoon.

But right now, my mind was too clouded and my mouth was too full to focus properly. My body was in control tonight, not my mind. There would be time for words tomorrow—or maybe later tonight. But right now, all I wanted was to feel him pressed against me.

“I don’t want you going over there alone,” he said, giving my hand a squeeze.

My heart leapt in my throat at that. Despite not knowing every detail of what had just gone down between me and Jax, he was still willing to protect me. He wanted to keep an eye on me, to make sure I didn’t get myself into any more trouble.

“Emil’s by the door,” I told him, craning my neck to peer around the room. Indeed, the poor man was lingering by the entrance, tugging at the lapels of his jacket. “I trust him. He’ll let us pass, if we’re leaving.”

 _Leyna might be a different story, but she’s not here right now. We should leave before she can spot us_.

The thought of not being able to see my sister tonight stung a bit. Even though we hadn’t been on the greatest of terms lately, I still wanted a chance to see her. Then again, I knew if she saw me hanging around with Levi, she wouldn’t even consider letting me out of her sight. She was weird like that—selectively protective, I guess. But it was just one of her many little quirks that made her Leyna.

“Alright.” Levi gave me a nod, but his hand still stayed around mine. “Be careful. I’ll meet you as soon as I can, okay?”

“Okay.”

He tilted his head, and that’s when I started to head back inside. Thankfully, the guests around us were a bit dazed from the alcohol to pay much attention to us. Out of the corner of my eye, I could spot Erwin’s blond head, right next to Hanji’s messy ponytail. A quick scan of the area around me—and the door up ahead—confirmed that Jax was nowhere to be seen. With a sigh, I made my way to the door, where Emil was still standing.

He smiled at me, loosening the cuffs of his jacket. “Hello again, Mia. Long time, no see, huh?”

“Yeah…” For good measure, I pressed a hand to my temple. I had to play up the sick act, after all. “Have you seen Leyna yet?”

“No, not yet.” He inched closer to me, his eyes alight with worry. “Are you feeling well? Do you need me to get her? I’m sure I could find her if you need her—”

“No, no, I’m fine.” _Please, don’t drag Leyna into this._ “I’m just…not feeling that well at the moment. I’m probably going to go back to the base earlier, if Commander Erwin allows it.”

“Oh, alright, if you say so.” His face fell for a brief moment, but his usual smile was back and brighter than ever. “Well, it was nice seeing you tonight, Mia. I’ll let your sister know you’re doing well, once I see her later tonight. I know she’ll want to know how you’ve been. Anyway, I hope you feel better!”

I doubted that Leyna was actually concerned with me, but I didn’t want to spoil his happy attitude. So instead, I bit my tongue and nodded along. “Thanks, Emil. I hope so, too. It was nice seeing you, too. Hopefully the next time we have to come here, you’re still here. You’re one of the nicer faces around here, after all.”

At this, I could’ve sworn he started to blush—a faint brush of pink was starting to settle over his face—but before I could question it, a soft and warm weight closed over my hand. Emil waved to Levi, who only nodded in his direction before leading me out of the room.

Once the door was shut behind us, I let out a sigh. “All good?”

“Yeah, we’re good.” There was no one in the hallway, which gave him the chance to grasp my hand in his own. “Erwin was fine with it. Shitty Glasses seemed worried, but I told her you were fine. She said she’ll keep an eye on your kids, to make sure they get back in one piece.”

“Okay…”

At least my kids were in good hands. I knew I could trust Hanji to get them back home safely. Besides, I would catch up with them tomorrow morning. If word got around that I was feeling “sick,” they would be at my office door before sunrise. They were weird like that, but deep down, I didn’t really mind.

He led me through the hall and out of the castle. Thankfully, only a few noblemen and MPs lingered outside in the courtyard. The rest of them were inside, enjoying the lavish party on the balcony. With a swallow, I glanced up at the balcony above us, and my stomach churned when I saw Jax staring back down at me, with his elbows perched on the railing.

_Just ignore him, Wolf. He’s not worth it anymore, you know that. Focus on Levi instead. He’s the one who actually cares about you._

I must have been gripping his hand a bit too tightly, because Levi turned around and followed my gaze. My heart jumped in my mouth when I saw his eyes narrow in Jax’s direction.

“Don’t worry about it,” I mumbled, but I couldn’t tell if the words were meant for me or for him. “Let’s just go.”

_Way to kill the mood, you bastard._

The carriages from earlier were still lined up along the courtyard. Upon seeing the two of us approach them, one of the drivers—a middle-aged man with a kind, wrinkled face—waved us over and opened the door to his carriage. As I climbed into the carriage, I could hear Levi mumbling something to the driver. A second later, when Levi was seated next to me and the door was shut behind us, there was a soft grunt, and the pair of horses up front began to pull the carriage.

Every bone in my body screamed at me not to, but I couldn’t help myself. I leaned towards the window, stealing yet another glance up at the balcony. My mouth ran dry when I failed to spot Jax among the crowd.

_Shit, where did he go? What’s he doing? Oh fuck, he knows I’m leaving. What if he tries to go after Hanji, or one of my cadets? What if he—_

“Hey.” I nearly jumped out of my skin as Levi’s hand came to rest over my thigh. “Don’t worry about it. He’s not going to bother you anymore.”

“I know,” I replied a little too quickly, “but my kids—my squad… I don’t trust him…”

Luckily, he seemed to understand what I was trying to say. For some reason, the words just wouldn’t leave my mouth.

“They’ll be alright. Hanji said she’ll look out for them. Besides, they’re with Eld and Gunther. He’s not coming anywhere near them with those two around.”

At that, I felt a little more at ease. I knew I could trust Levi’s cadets with my own. Not only were they good friends with Reggie, Evan, Gretel, and Murphy, but they were quite protective of each other. That was evident in the way they trained together—they were always keeping an eye on each other, making sure everyone was safe. Besides, I had seen their skill up close: Eld’s strength was unmatched, and Gunther was pretty agile when it came to close combat. And with how long he had been staying on base, Jax knew just how capable they were when it came to fighting. Levi was right; if Jax saw Gunther and Eld with them, he wouldn’t dare come near my kids.

“Maybe…”

The carriage jostled slightly, and the horses in the front snorted. We must have gone over a small bump in the road.

I stared into my lap, wringing my hands around each other. Right now, with Levi seated next to me, I knew I should have felt excited, like I had earlier when I kissed him in front of that noblewoman. But it had been such a fleeting feeling; right now, all I felt was cold, dark emptiness, right in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t even feel happy that the two of us were heading back to base to spend a little bit of time alone together. Seeing Jax again had tainted my mood, just like it always did.

“Come here.”

Before I knew it, his arm had come around my shoulders, and he was pressing me into his side, with my head resting in the crook of his neck. His other hand came up to the top of my head, and as gently as he could, he began to massage my scalp with his nails. He was so warm, so soft and gentle—

Tears sprang into my eyes. I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve _him_.

“I’m sorry.”

“Shut up.” I choked back a sob at his answer. “What are you even sorry for, brat? You’ve done nothing wrong, so stop it.”

“But I…” My throat was closing up again. Why couldn’t he just see it like I could? Why did he always have to pretend like I wasn’t a burden on him? “…I’m just so…so _useless_ , like I—”

“I said _shut up_.” His voice was firmer now, but his arm tightened around my shoulders. I half-expected him to push me away in disgust, but he did no such thing; instead, he pulled me in closer, shifting himself around so he could hug me from the front. “You’re not useless. You never have been, and you never will be.”

“But—”

“No. _Buts_.”

I snapped my mouth shut. That was his _captain_ voice—the same one he used whenever he was around the cadets, or when he was talking to someone he didn’t know all that well. The same one he used whenever someone was annoying him.

“You’re not useless,” he continued, placing his mouth to my forehead in a brief kiss. “I don’t know who the hell put that thought in your head, but whoever it was, they’re full of shit. You are _not_ useless, Wolf. If you were, you wouldn’t even be here right now.”

Suddenly, he pulled himself away from me, scooting back in his seat and holding me at arm’s length. He cupped my face in his hands, his thumb brushing over that thin white scar on my cheek. I swallowed hard as I remembered the last time the two of us found ourselves in this position: when I had begged him not to go after Jax after telling him what he had tried to do to me all those years ago.

 _Fuck_ , it always had to come back to Jax.

“You’re not some helpless idiot, Mia. So stop thinking you are. You’re strong. You’re smart. Damn it, sometimes I’d even call you fearless. Sure, you’re a reckless dumbass sometimes, and you don’t always listen to me,” he mumbled, and I had to smile at that, “but you’re never stupid. I’ve seen you take out dozens of Titans over the years like it’s no big deal. I’ve seen you train those cadets—I know how much you care about them. You’re so fucking protective of them—of every Scout—and you try your damned hardest to keep them safe. And don’t argue with me,” he snapped when my lips parted, “because you _do_ keep them safe.”

I closed my mouth. He must have known I was about to bring up Rosalie and Emmett.

“Listen,” he continued with a heavy sigh, “you know I’m not good with all this sappy shit. I never have. But seeing you like this, all depressed and shit, like you think you aren’t good enough… You _are_. And don’t let anyone tell you different.”

That was when the tears finally started to fall. “Levi…”

“You’re strong, Mia. Whatever he did to you in the past, you’re stronger now. I know you can deal with him if you have to. You think I’m blind? I saw that welt on his face—and I know _exactly_ who gave it to him.”

I couldn’t help but blush at that. _So it was really that noticeable, huh?_

“Don’t let that bastard dictate your life. _You’re_ in control, not him. He never was, and he never will be. So don’t give him the satisfaction of thinking he’s won—because he _hasn’t_.” This time, he tilted my chin up with his thumb and forefinger, holding me in place so I couldn’t look away. “Show him just how much he’ll regret fucking with you.”

_Such a way with words, as always._

But they did the trick. While I knew there was a more eloquent way to put it, Levi definitely knew what he was talking about. As his words began to sink in, a familiar fuzzy feeling started to pool in the pit of my chest. Suddenly, some of that anger and fear I’d felt ever since Jax had gripped me by the wrist was starting to melt away—and _for real_ , this time.

I almost couldn’t believe it—no, that was a lie. I _really_ couldn’t believe it. This man, the one responsible for slaying well over a hundred Titans in the past few years, the one known as Humanity’s Strongest Soldier within the Walls, believed in me. He believed I was strong enough to stand up to that bastard back at the castle. He believed I was capable of putting him back in his place, even when he had so much control over me.

_No, stop that. He doesn’t have control over you. He never has, just like Levi said. So stop thinking that way. It won’t do you any good._

“You really think so?”

The corner of his mouth twitched into a slight smile. “Yeah, I do. But don’t think you have to deal with this all on your own, sweetheart.” There it was—the name that made me feel so warm and loved. “Because you’re not. You have me, Hanji, Erwin, your sister, your kids—we’re _all_ here for you, whether you want us to be or not. So don’t push us away. We’re here to help you, Wolf. Because let’s face it,” he added, rolling his eyes, “watching you get all mopey is fucking annoying.”

This time, I let out an actual laugh, my face growing warm between his hands. His mouth curved into a bigger smile, and he rubbed his thumb below my eyes to dry my tears. The carriage jostled around us once more, but neither of us seemed to mind.

“Thanks, Levi.” I wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face in the crook of his neck. “I’ll…I’ll try my best.”

“Don’t mention it,” he muttered against my hair. “And I know you’ll try your best. You always do.”

“Yeah… But that’s why you love me.”

He remained silent, but his warm hand on the small of my back told me everything I needed to know. With a shaky breath, I wiped my eyes again and snuggled deeper into his chest, breathing in his soft pine and peppermint scent.

|~|

It was late in the night when the carriage finally came to a stop. Levi helped me out, giving the driver a grateful nod before leading me back into the main castle of the base. With his hand in mine, I glanced up at the moon. It was almost at its peak in the starry sky—it had to be at least an hour or so before midnight.

As Levi took me further into the castle, in the direction of his office, I began to feel a little more at ease with myself. I was safe, as long as I was with him. And even if I wasn’t, he still trusted me to take care of myself. I wasn’t helpless or weak, like I had led myself to believe over the past few years. I wasn’t either of those things. I was just _me_ —a soldier who had dedicated her heart to fighting for humanity.

Oh, and who was absolutely head-over-heels for the man in front of her.

“…Levi?”

He gazed back at me from over his shoulder. “What is it, kid?”

“Uh… Can we go to my room instead?” He came to a stop at the corner and raised an eyebrow, and my face began to burn beneath those beautiful silver eyes. “It’s just…well…” _How do I put this…?_

“Spit it out, brat,” he mumbled, flicking my forehead gently. “We don’t have all night.”

So I blurted out the first thing that came to mind: “I want you in my bed tonight.”

_Well, **that** could have been phrased better… _

But before I could mentally curse myself for being so stupid, he placed a hand on the top of my head, gently mussing up my hair. “Mia, you don’t have to—”

“No, no, I _want_ you to,” I cut in, my throat tightening under his steely gaze. “It’s just… Last night we were in your room…and now I want to sleep in my own bed, but with _you_.”

 _And hopefully do a bit more than that_. But I kept my mouth shut. One thing at a time, after all.

“So…please?” I could only hope I didn’t sound too desperate.

Luckily, I didn’t have to wait too long for an answer. With a shake of his head, he dropped his hand down from my head and onto my shoulder. “If you insist,” he sighed, his lips strung up in a light smirk. “Just let me grab some clothes for tomorrow. It won’t take too long.”

“Okay.”

The two of us made it back to his office in just a few minutes, and while he ran inside to grab his outfit for the following day, I lingered out in the hallway, twirling my hands around each other. Before he had dipped inside, he had shrugged off his black jacket and draped it over my shoulders. Now, I brought one of the lapels up toward my nose to catch a whiff of his comforting musky scent. And I was not disappointed.

_By the Walls, I love him so much._

But before I could get too lost in my thoughts, Levi reappeared, with a fresh military outfit in his arms. His eyes flickered at the sight of me, still holding his jacket close to me.

“You look cute in that, you know.”

My face bloomed with heat at his words. “Yeah, well… It was _your_ idea in the first place…”

“I know,” he replied like the smartass he was. I opened my mouth to answer, but he leaned in and stole a quick kiss from me, right on the lips. “Come on, let’s go.”

The walk to my office was mostly silent, save for the melodic _tap_ of his dress shoes against the polished floor. When we finally reached the door, I slid the key in the lock, all too aware of his eyes on my back. My hand trembled around the knob as I pushed the door open, and when I locked it behind the two of us, I was sure it would burst out of my chest right then and there.

“So, where do you want me to sleep?” he asked, that damn smirk never leaving his face. “The couch? Because I can, if you want me to.”

“Pfft, no chance in hell,” I mumbled, kicking my white dress shoes off. “You’re sleeping in _my_ bed, end of story.”

“Oh, someone’s feeling all fired up tonight.” I didn’t miss the suggestive tone of his voice as he slipped into my bedroom.

I followed him in at once, sliding the latch in the door with a soft _click_. “You have no idea.”

I peeled his jacket off my shoulders and draped it over the chair leaning against the main closet. Once it was off and taken care of, I reached around and began to untie the red ribbon resting around my waist. I didn’t miss the way Levi’s piercing eyes trailed over my body, following my every move as he placed his clothes for tomorrow down on the edge of the bed.

Eventually, the ribbon was off and on the chair, right next to Levi’s jacket. With what I hoped was a suggestive smirk in his direction, I turned to the side and started unzipping the dress from behind. In this position, he had a generous view of my back—and by the soft groan that filled the air a second later, I could tell he was enjoying it.

“Oh, Levi?” _God, Hanji will be so proud of me for this one._ “Could you help me with this? I can’t get it off all the way…”

It was the oldest trick in the book, but it still made my heart flutter. I held my breath, waiting for Levi to come over and help me undress. Finally, when his warm hands brushed my bare shoulders, I let out the tiniest sigh I could manage.

His fingers curled around the zipper and dragged it further down my back. It came all the way down to the small of my back, right above my waist, but I could manage once it was down past my shoulders. But he didn’t stop there; instead, he went further down, all the way to the end of the zipper. And when he stopped, he didn’t let go. He simply stood there, with his fingers on the zipper and his eyes on the back straps of my white bra.

“Thanks, Levi.” I flashed him a smile from over my shoulder, wetting my lips as subtly as I could. His jaw tightened at that, and I had to turn around quickly just to hide my smirk.

_Come on, fall for it already! You remember last night, right? Don’t you want to do that again with me? What will it take to get you to do it?_

That familiar rush of heat from earlier had claimed my body, pooling right in the space between my thighs. I remembered every single detail from last night, and I was desperate to recreate it in every way possible. But now, I knew the feeling wasn’t fleeting, as it had been earlier in the night. Now, I felt safe and secure, like nothing could ever touch me again.

Not as long as I was with him.

I started to drag the sleeves of the dress down, well aware of the man still standing behind me. Another husky groan filled the air between us as I slid the sleeves down my arms, completely exposing my upper half. Finally, when it was bunched around my waist, I let it fall to the ground in a red and white heap. Now, he had a full view of the white panties I wore underneath—and I was certain that if I turned around, he would know _exactly_ how I felt about him being in here with me right now.

“Mia, stop.”

I froze. _What the fuck?_

“W-what do you mean?” I was almost too scared to ask the question.

“Stop this… Whatever _this_ is.” When I glanced over my shoulder at him, I could see him motioning to my body. A pang of hurt hit my chest when I realized he was diverting his eyes from me. “This whole seduction thing, or whatever you want to call it. You don’t have to do it, you know.”

My lips parted in confusion. “I…I don’t understand…”

What was wrong with him? Did he actually not want to do what we had done last night? Was he starting to regret doing that with me in the first place? Oh God, what if he actually _was_ regretting it right now?

“You had a shit night,” he continued, grasping my hands in his own. “What you need now is a shower and some sleep. You don’t have to push yourself to do this if you don’t want to.” 

“But I do!” My face was probably a bright shade of scarlet by now, but I forced myself to continue. “Levi, I _want_ this! You’re not pushing me into anything, I promise! I know you wouldn’t do anything like that to me!”

I took a deep breath, my eyes fluttering shut. My next few words were on the tip of my tongue, but for some reason, they didn’t want to come out. They were too…blunt for my taste, but what else was I supposed to say? What else could get my point across?

With another shaky sigh, I opened my eyes and gripped his hands tighter. Might as well just get it over with, right?

“I _want_ to have sex with you again, so don’t act like you’re forcing me into anything. Last night was one of the best nights I’ve ever had in my life, and…well, I want _more_ of them. Believe me, if I didn’t want them, I wouldn’t be acting like this.”

My eyes flickered down to the skin of my chest, which was starting to prickle with goosebumps. Even under his heated silver gaze, I was starting to get chilly.

“And you even said I can take care of myself, so that’s what I’m doing! So don’t worry about me. I’m alright, I promise. I’m not doing any of this because I feel like I have to. I just want _you_ , Levi.”

With a tight swallow, I leaned up and pressed my mouth to the shell of his ear. An all-too familiar flame was starting to spark in the pit of my stomach.

“And I want you _so fucking bad_.”

Before last night, I would have been appalled at the words leaving my mouth right now. I would have blushed and hid my face in my hands, too embarrassed to look him in the eye. And now, although my face was burning, I spoke each word with a growing sense of confidence.

I didn’t have to be scared of him. Not now, not ever. I knew I could trust him with all my heart, and that’s all that mattered. And I knew he felt the same way about me—his constant concern for me and willingness to tell me the darkest secrets swirling around in that head of his could attest to that. We trusted each other with our lives at this point, so what did I have to be scared of?

A dark look crossed over his features as I pulled my mouth away from his ear. His jaw was clenched and his lips were pursed, his eyes no more than shadowy gray slits. He was at war with himself—I knew him well enough by now to tell when he was. But judging by the way his throat bobbed when he swallowed, he was quickly losing it.

“You sure?”

I smiled at him. Of course, he would say something like that. Always making sure I was one hundred percent comfortable with him.

“Absolutely.” I curled my hands around his neck and pressed down, bringing his forehead to rest against mine. “And I always will be. I love you, Levi.”

He gave a soft hum, threading his fingers through my hair. “Love you too, you little brat.”

Neither of us said anything after that. With a huff, he scooped me up into his arms and cradled me against his chest. Tiny bumps arose on my bare legs as I wrapped them around his waist, the cool metal of his belt buckle sending shivers up my spine. But his lips were hot against mine—a welcome contrast to the rest of the room.

 _I love him._ I kept repeating the same words over and over in my head as he carried me to my bed. _I love him. I love him so much._

He kicked off his shoes before joining me on the bed, hovering over me just as he did the night before. He trailed a finger down my burning face, tracing the little white scar splashed across my skin. His other hand came to rest next to my head on the pillow, while I busied myself with untying the cravat around his neck.

When the slip of fabric was off, he sat up and allowed me to place it on the nightstand beside the bed. But before I could lay back down, he reached around and began to loosen the braid around the back of my head. I couldn’t help but sigh as I felt my hair come apart in his hands, the wavy strands falling around my shoulders.

“Feel better now?” he asked as I laid back down.

“Yeah. You have no idea how hard it is to lay down when your hair’s in a bumpy braid.”

He reached over and kissed me again, keeping his hands on my hips. His mouth moved slowly against my own, as if he was trying to drag this out for as long as possible. But there was no rush—we had the whole night to ourselves, after all. He could have me for as long as he wanted, as many times as he needed.

The next thing to go was his shirt, but he took care of that for me. Sitting back on his heels, he pulled the buttons apart before tossing it over the side of the bed. I grazed my fingers along his chest, silently savoring each ridge and scar embedded in his skin. He groaned when I brushed them over his abdomen, and when I glanced further down, I noticed the prominent tent in his black pants.

“Already excited, huh?”

“Look who’s talking,” he grumbled, pressing his knee in between my thighs. I sucked in a sharp breath at the motion, my nails digging into his upper arms. “You’re practically soaked, sweetheart. So don’t tease me about being excited.”

“But it’s fun.” I stuck out my bottom lip in a slight pout, earning an eye roll from him. “What? I’m not allowed to tease you, is that it?”

“Not if you’re going to have that look on your face.”

But before I could say anything else, he pressed his lips to mine, dragging his tongue over my bottom lip. I opened up and hummed into his mouth, savoring the taste of his tongue against my own. _My God,_ he still tasted so good.

We stayed like that for a few more seconds, pushing up against one another and holding each other tight. When he pushed himself off of me, I bit back a frown. His eyes were dark as he unhooked his belt, sliding it from the loops of his pants and casting it aside. My mouth watered as I watched him bring his pants down to his ankles, his cock already straining against the black fabric of his boxers.

“You know, it’s been a while…”

He quirked an eyebrow at me. “Since what?”

“Since I’ve sucked you off.”

That got a real laugh out of him, but I could tell from the look in his eye that he wasn’t laughing at me. “You’ve become so blunt with your words lately. I like it.”

“Well, I learned from the best.”

I reached down for his boxers, but he pressed down on my chest, knocking me back down onto the sheets below. “Not tonight,” he said when I opened my mouth to protest. “I told you, you don’t have to.”

But the dangerous glint in his eye told me different. He couldn’t lie to me; I knew exactly how much he loved whenever I went down on him. I knew he was trying to be considerate of me, but I didn’t want him to be. I wanted him to let go, to give me everything he had.

So when he mounted me again and started to kiss my neck, I made my move. I pushed on his chest _hard_ , knocking him off balance and onto his side. As fast as I could, I threw one leg over his waist, straddling his hips with his wrists in my hands. I gave his jaw a quick kiss before bringing my mouth up to his ear once more.

“I don’t think you know just how much I _love_ having your cock in my mouth.”

He went rigid beneath me, but his cock twitched against me at my words. I grinded against him, just to test the waters. He groaned at that, his nails biting into the rough skin of his palms. I bit back a smile as he brought his eyes to mine.

“You little minx.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” I replied, rewarding him with another roll of my hips.

As much as I loved being underneath him, I had to admit, being on top of him like this gave me such a sense of pride. My mind flashed back to that fateful day in my office a few months ago, where the two of us had play-fought on the floor, taking turns pinning each other down just for the fun of it. But then I thought of the previous night, when he flipped me over and told me to ride him. While I wanted to do that again with him, I enjoyed just being on top of his body. Last night I hadn’t been able to properly enjoy it, what with everything else going on; now, I could take all the time in the world to appreciate the sight before me.

The muscles of his abdomen rippled beneath my stomach, his cock still pressing into my inner thigh. His chest heaved against mine, his black bangs strewn across his forehead. I watched his eyes flicker from me to the ceiling, waiting for his next move. If he _really_ wanted me under him, he could have already subdued me. But he hadn’t.

“You want my mouth on you?” I kept my voice low—a desperate attempt to sound sexy. I didn’t know how to pull it off, like he always did. “You want to fuck my mouth, Levi?”

The sound of his name rolling off my tongue must have been the tipping point for him. He threw his head back into the pillow, bucking his hips into mine. My throat tightened as I watched him flex his fingers and bite his bottom lip.

“Quit talking about it and do it already,” he growled, his eyes dark with lust.

“So…I’ll take that as a _yes_ , then?”

He glared at me through those overgrown bangs of his. “ _Yes_. Now stop teasing me and put that pretty mouth of yours to work.”

It was hard not to smirk as I crawled down his body, my fingers hooking around the waistband of his boxers. “Yes, _captain_.”

My heart pounded furiously in my chest as I dragged his boxers down to his knees, freeing his hardened cock and exposing it to the air around. It had been so long since I had done this—well, in reality, it had only been about a week or so, but with everything that had happened in the past couple of days, it already felt like a lifetime ago. And I didn’t like going for too long without tasting him.

Once his boxers were on the floor with the rest of his clothes, I lowered myself on my stomach in between his thighs and took hold of his cock. It jumped in my hand, the skin flushed red and a bead of fluid already gathered on the tip. I swirled my thumb around it, spreading it across the head and down his length. I licked my lips when my eyes landed on the thick vein on the underside— _fuck_ , I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to have him in my mouth.

I started off slow, just as I always did. I moved my hand up and down his cock, stroking him as gently as I could. A low moan filled my ears, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see him digging his fingers into the sheets below. With a smirk on my face, I started to move my hand just a bit faster.

His black hair brushed against the pillow as he threw his head back, his hands tearing into the sheets beneath us. I licked my lips again, and without warning, I leaned over and took him into my mouth. At the sound of his moans, a pool of heat began to gather right between my legs.

“ _Fuck_ , sweetheart…” His voice was strained as he propped himself on his elbows, his gray eyes boring into my body. “That’s it. _Shit_ , you…you know just what to do, don’t you?”

 _Of course I do. I’ve had a lot of practice_. But it was hard to reply when he was already halfway down my throat.

His dirty talk did nothing to quell the liquid fire burning through my veins—or the growing sense of confidence swirling around in my stomach. He thought I was skilled at this, was that right? Well, it was time to show him just _how_ skilled I was.

With a deep breath through my nose, I inched closer to him, slipping his cock even further down my throat. He was _big_ —not so big that I couldn’t do this, but still, it wasn’t an easy task. Still, I was determined to prove myself. I would show him just what all of his “training” had done to me over the past couple of months.

A strangled gasp filled the air as I leaned in closer, taking even more of his cock into my mouth. Thanks to the number of times I had done this, I no longer had much of a gag reflex. He wasn’t exactly gentle during our little sessions together, but that had only prepared me. Within seconds, his cock was all the way in my mouth, brushing against the back of my throat.

“Oh, _fuck_ —” His eyes were wide as he watched me release him with a wet _pop_ of my mouth. “Holy shit—sweetheart, _what the fuck_ —” He cut himself off with his own helpless moan as I repeated the action, sliding him all the way down my throat until my nose pressed against that dark patch of hair above the base.

When I released him again, I had to breathe through my mouth. It was quite the challenge, letting him go that deep in my throat. But it was worth it, if it managed to make him let out those beautiful moans. So when I was sure I could breathe again, I licked my lips and flashed him a smirk.

“Told you I love sucking your cock.”

This time, I didn’t show any mercy. My movements were quick and harsh, my head bobbing up and down as I took him into my mouth. I kept one hand on his stomach to hold him down, just as he had done to me last night, while the other one ran up and down the length of his cock. He lifted his hands from the bed and threaded them through my hair, pulling it back and out of my face in a makeshift ponytail.

“ _Shit_ —fuck, that’s it, sweetheart. Good girl— _fuck_ , you’re such a good girl…”

His cock twitched against my tongue—the usual sign he was close. Well, as if his nails digging into my scalp wasn’t enough of a sign. Nevertheless, I kept moving my head and my hand, eager to bring him to the edge.

“Wait—!”

Suddenly, he tugged back on my hair, pulling me off of him as gently as he could. A string of saliva connected my mouth to the tip of his cock, which was still pulsing violently. I glanced up at him, but before I could say anything, he sat up on the bed and wiped my mouth clean with his thumbs.

“Not yet, baby. Not until I make you cum.”

Before I knew it, he had me on my back against the bed, with his knees on either side of my waist. He slid his hands underneath me, unclipping my bra and sliding it down my arms. Then, he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine—and I nearly knocked him off the bed while trying to push him away.

“Wait a minute!”

His eyes were wide and alert at once. “What’s wrong?”

“I…I just had your dick in my mouth!” My face burned as I realized what I had just said out loud. “I thought…you didn’t like the taste, or whatever…”

He stifled a laugh before tracing my lip with his thumb, his dark eyes reminding me of thunderstorms and rain. “It’s fine, sweetheart. I don’t mind at all.”

He kissed me again before I could protest, his fingers fluttering over the skin of my breasts. I swallowed hard as he dragged his mouth down, pressing soft kisses over my chest before stopping at my nipple. A fresh wave of heat flooded over my face as he took the hardened peak in his mouth, rolling it in between his teeth.

I whimpered when his tongue pressed against it. _God_ , I couldn’t _wait_ to feel that tongue against my clit again.

“L-Levi…” I moaned as he moved onto the other breast, trying my best not to buck my hips into his. “Fuck! Levi, please—!”

Finally, when he pulled himself away, he brought both hands up to my breasts and squeezed them together, rolling them in between his palms. _Fuck_ , his calloused hands felt so fucking good on my skin.

“You’re beautiful, Mia.” He kissed my jaw briefly before moving back up to my lips. “So fucking beautiful…”

He kissed his way down my neck and down to my chest, caressing my waist with his hands as softly as he could. When he made his way down to my waist, he kissed the space just below my navel, right above the hem of my panties.

I watched with wide eyes as he lifted the scrap of fabric up, placing it in between his teeth. With a devilish look in his eye, he began to drag my panties down my legs—using nothing but his own fucking teeth.

_Just fuck me already—damn it, I can’t wait any longer. Just fuck me, fuck me, fuck me—!_

“Fuck!”

My panties were off, my thighs were pushed apart, and his tongue was pressing up against the entrance of my sex. His eyes flickered up to me, a knowing smirk crossing over his features as he watched me writhe around on the bed. I reached down and placed my hand on the back of his head, my nails scratching against the scruff of his undercut.

I glared at him as he slowly dragged his tongue upwards. He was taking his sweet time, and I didn’t like it. “Come on, I didn’t make _you_ wait this long.”

“No,” he said smugly, “but you kept teasing me. I’m just returning the favor, sweetheart.”

Just as I opened my mouth to respond, he circled his lips around my clit and started to suck. My head hit the pillow with a soft _thump_ , and a pathetic whine slipped out from my mouth. I could feel myself dripping down on the sheets below— _fuck, I’m going to have to change them later, aren’t I?_

“Levi,” I whimpered his name as he pressed his fingers against my soaked slit. “Levi, please—I _need_ to feel you inside me— _please_!”

He chuckled against my clit—a dark, rumbling sensation that spread throughout my whole body. “Begging already, are we? Haven’t you heard about being patient?”

“Fuck being patient!” I tried to buck my hips into his face, but the arm he had resting on my stomach was keeping me in place. “I _need_ you! Please, I’ll… I’ll do _anything_ for you!”

“You don’t have to.” His eyes flickered back up to mine, and another wave of liquid fire coursed through my veins. “Taking my cock like you did is more than enough.”

With that, he finally slid two fingers inside, curling them _just right_ before sucking on my clit again. I slapped my free hand over my mouth to keep myself from screaming. Tears pricked my eyes with every thrust of his fingers; with a breathless sob, I squeezed my eyes shut.

Damn it, how was he so good at this?! How did he know my body so well at this point, when this was only the second time we had done this? Hell, _I_ barely knew myself this well! How could he pull this off in such a short amount of time?!

“Hey.” I clenched around his fingers at the sound of his deep voice. “Look at me.”

_Fuck, why does he always have to be so sexy?!_

Another rush of heat washed over me as I forced myself to look him in the eye. He was already staring at me, his fingers moving at a constant pace as his lips hovered over my clit. A silent scream left my lips as he curled them against that special spot inside me—the same spot that made me see stars.

“Good girl,” he praised, sending a chill down my spine. “Very good girl.”

I sobbed into my hand as he returned to my clit, tightening his lips around the sensitive bundle of nerves. Every inch of me throbbed beneath his touch, every cell in my body screamed for release. A familiar coil began winding up in the base of my stomach, getting tighter and tighter with every thrust of his fingers.

“Levi!” Both hands were in his hair now, pressing him against my pulsing sex, as close as I could get him. “Levi! Fuck, fuck— _Levi_!”

The coil snapped at once. My vision went white as I screamed out his name. A gush of warmth spilled from my sex, and my thighs trembled around his head. He dragged his lips back to my entrance, his tongue lapping up my juices like a starved man. As I came down from my high, he kept his thumb on my clit, rubbing it in small, gentle circles. Only when I whimpered and pushed on his wrist did he move his hand away.

When he glanced back up at me, I felt my heart leap in my throat. His face was fucking soaked, his chin dripping with the remnants of my release. But before I could offer him a towel or something, he wiped it away with his fingers, before bringing them back to his mouth and licking them clean. The sight alone was enough to make my clit start throbbing again.

“You still taste amazing, sweetheart,” he mumbled as he crawled back up my body. “Best thing I’ve ever tasted.”

I pressed down on the back of his head, bringing his mouth on top of mine. The sweet tang of my juices on his tongue made me jolt, but only for a moment. It didn’t taste so bad, I guess… But I didn’t really see the appeal in it.

_Maybe it’s the same for him as it is with me and his cum. Maybe he doesn’t like it as much as I do._

Whatever. I could think about all of that later, when I _wasn’t_ so eager to have him inside me.

“Please,” I whispered against his lips, “please fuck me. I… I want you, Levi. I want you inside me.”

Thankfully, he was just as needy as I was. I could tell by the almost frantic way he gripped his cock—which was still leaking from earlier—and dragged it along my dripping folds. I hissed as he pressed the tip against me, digging my nails into his muscular, scarred back.

“You sure, Mia?”

I nodded furiously. “Yeah, I’m sure. Please, _please_ —”

He sank himself into my heat, his chest rumbling with a groan as he buried his face in the crook of my neck. I grit my teeth at the stretch of his cock inside me. The pain wasn’t as bad as it had been last night, partly because I already knew what to expect, but the burn was still there. I swallowed hard and bore with it, focusing on the sound of Levi’s breathing instead.

“You alright?”

I smiled at him as he lifted his head to meet my eyes. “Yeah, I’m okay. What about you?”

“Never been better,” he said, giving an experimental buck of his hips. I winced at the stretch, accidentally tensing up around his cock. “Shit—did I hurt you?”

“No, no, you’re fine.” _No need to make him worry, right?_ “Just…just go slowly, okay?”

He nodded before pressing a quick kiss on my cheek, his hand sweeping my bangs away from my forehead. True to his promise, he began to move at a steady pace, slowly rocking his hips into mine. My mouth fell open as his cock brushed against that familiar spot deep inside me. Levi must have noticed, because he angled his hips and continued to thrust against it.

The two of us were already exhausted, both from the party and our earlier activities. While I had preferred a rougher pace the previous night, I was starting to enjoy this slower, more relaxed pace he gave me. Besides, now I could stare up at his face as he moved against me, his cock still resting inside me.

 _I love you._ That familiar mantra kept repeating itself in my head with every thrust of his hips. _I love you. I love you. I love you. I—_

“Love you.”

My eyes went wide. That hadn’t been _my_ voice.

Levi rested a hand on the side of my face—the one that had my scar on it, right against my cheekbone. His hips stuttered against mine as he held me close, his sweaty forehead kissing my own.

“I love you.” His bottom lip began to quiver as he spoke. “ _Fuck_ , I love you so much—”

His own gasp cut him off. His cock twitched against me, and I scraped my nails down his back. I was still sensitive from my previous orgasm, and Levi still hadn’t come yet. It wouldn’t be long before the two of us reached our limit.

But my mind was still stuck on what he had said. This was the first time he had said it first; all of the other times, he had always said it second—I was always the one who said it first. _But not this time._

I grasped at his back, grabbing every bit of him I could possibly reach. He did the same to me, scooping his arms underneath me and lifting me up into his chest. I could feel his heart against my skin, throbbing furiously as it matched my own.

“I love you too.”

That was all it took for the two of us to come undone. I sobbed into his mouth as my release washed over me, my walls squeezing his cock almost painfully. He groaned against me, barely pulling himself out in time before his cum splashed across my inner thighs, hot and sticky and _just him_.

His skin stuck to mine as he pulled himself away, covered with a thin layer of sweat. With one last kiss against the scar on my cheek, he raised himself up and sat back on his heels. He grimaced at the sight of his cum staining my thighs and dribbling down to the sheets below.

“Tch, disgusting.”

“Hey, I don’t mind.” I gave him a lazy smile as I leaned back into the pillows, my eyelids already drooping from exhaustion. “I like it.”

“Whatever,” he grumbled, rolling his eyes. He leaned down and scooped up his shirt from the floor, balling it up around his hand. “Try not to move too much.”

I shivered as he started dragging the fabric up and down my thighs, cleaning his cum off my skin as gently as he could. His touch was soft and soothing, so much that I nearly fell asleep right then and there. But the soft _thump_ of his shirt hitting the floor brought me back to the present, and I opened my eyes just in time to see him lean back over me.

“I’ll get the water started.”

“Wait!” He froze at my voice, glancing down at my fingers wrapped around his wrist. “Can…can we just stay here for a little bit? I’m tired…”

“So am I,” he replied dryly. But he didn’t argue with me; instead, he wrapped his arms around my waist and shifted me on the bed, placing me down against his chest with my head tucked beneath his chin. “Just a few minutes, brat, but then that’s it. I can’t stand the smell of sex.”

“Really?” I propped my chin up on his chest, drumming my fingers lightly against his collarbone. “I never would’ve guessed, Mr. Clean Freak.”

“Shut up.”

I let out a laugh, giving him a kiss on the cheek before laying back down on his chest. His hands trailed up my body, one of them resting on the small of my back while the other caressed my shoulder. My eyelids started to droop as he traced aimless patterns on my bare skin, in the same way I was doing to his collarbone.

Similar to last night, my mouth was filled with words I wanted to say. But I couldn’t find the strength to say them all—besides, there wasn’t enough time in the world to say them even if I tried.

“Hey.” My eyes snapped open again, and I groaned as he sat himself up on the bed, still holding me against his chest. “Don’t fall asleep on me, sweetheart. You can do that after we clean you up.”

It wasn’t until he got up from the bed and stretched himself out that I reached out to him with both hands, giving him the best puppy-dog eyes I could manage.

“Can you carry me?”

Acting like an absolute child was worth it just to see the look of bewilderment flash across his face. Although it only stayed for a few precious seconds, he complied with my wishes, rolling his eyes and scooping me up in his arms just as he did the night before. I curled my arms around his neck, giving him another soft kiss on his pale cheek.

“Thanks, Levi.”

He hummed, shrugging his shoulders. “Whatever.”

He carried me to the bathroom and placed me on the edge of the counter, letting my legs dangle off the side. It didn’t take long for the water to heat up—it never really did. When it was ready, he helped me off and led me into the stall, right beneath the hot spray of the shower.

His arms were around my waist at once, and he buried his nose into the crook of my neck. I leaned into his touch, wrapping my hand around his head and pulling him closer. Despite my exhaustion, I managed to smile at him.

Well, that wasn’t a surprise—he could always make me smile, no matter what.

As he grabbed the bar of soap and began to clean me, I let my mind wander to our little escapade from earlier. Had Erwin seemed surprised about my desire to leave the party so soon? Did he suspect anything else was going on, especially when he knew I would be leaving with Levi? If he did, why did he allow us to go in the first place?

And how was Hanji faring? How were Eld and Gunther holding up? How were my kids doing? Was Gretel still pulling at her dress? Were Evan and Murphy still gawking at the lavish decorations strung up around the room? Was Reggie doing his best to keep everyone in line, just as he always did?

_They’ll be fine, Wolf. Hanji said she would watch them, didn’t she? You’ll see them tomorrow morning, no doubt about it. Now just relax._

Those last few words circled around in my mind as Levi dragged the bar of soap down my back. Yeah, that sounded good. _Just relax._

The two of us managed to wash each other without falling asleep right there in the shower stall. When we were both rinsed off and free of suds, Levi flicked the water off and handed me a towel. As I dried my hair, I tried not to stare at his chiseled abdomen—and the way the water droplets slid down his skin.

Being the gentleman he was, he was the one who changed the sheets on the bed. Despite my protests, he insisted on doing it, mumbling about how I would do it wrong or something. He tossed the stained sheets into the basket near the door, along with his suit and my dress. I could wash them tomorrow, when I had time after training. I had neither the time nor the energy to worry about them now.

As he tugged me into the bed beside him, my mind flashed back to his confession from earlier. My skin prickled as I recalled the words he had whispered against my mouth: _I love you_. And my throat clenched when I remembered the way his lip had quivered upon saying those three simple words.

He didn’t use his words too often. But when he did, it took a lot out of him. He only ever spoke what he was feeling if he really felt the need to. He wasn’t someone who talked about his feelings and emotions just for the hell of it. He was guarded and protective, his heart surrounded by walls akin to the ones protecting the remnants of humanity.

But this had been real—unprompted, raw, unrehearsed, and simply _Levi_. And that was what made my eyes fill with tears.

“Go to sleep now, brat.” My face was pressed against his chest, so he couldn’t see my wet eyes. “I’ll wake you up in the morning. Try to get some rest, alright?”

I swallowed hard and nodded, pressing my hands into his muscular shoulders. Resting beneath my left hand was the jagged scar that stretched from his neck all the way down to his shoulder blade—the scar that had nearly killed him so many years ago. Faintly, I wondered how many more marks on his body had threatened to end his life—and I wondered how different life would have been if I had never been able to meet him.

“Okay. Goodnight, Levi.”

“…Goodnight, Mia.”

|~|

A constant tapping sound ripped me away from my slumber. It was harsh and demanding, the sound of someone’s fist slamming against wood. _Someone must be at the door_.

I peeked one eye open, groaning when I realized only a sliver of sunlight shone through the curtains. It was barely dawn—not even the birds were singing outside. W _ho the fuck is bothering me so early in the morning?_

A muffled voice traveled from the office area: “Mia! You in there? How do you feel?”

My eyes shot open. _Shit, it’s Hanji!_

It was at this moment that I was aware of a familiar weight pressing against my back. Levi grumbled softly, his nose brushing against the back of my neck and his hand finding my thigh beneath the sheets. His skin was hot against my own, his breath clouding over my neck in soft puffs.

“ _Mia_! Come on, wake up!”

_Damn it Hanji, go away! Don’t ruin this for me!_

Levi grunted again, but this time, he hoisted himself up on his elbows. I peeked at him from over my shoulder, trying not to laugh at the sight of his bedhead.

“You want to tell her to fuck off, or should I?”

“Hm…” I gazed around the room, pretending to be lost in thought. “You can tell her. I don’t want to get up.” Besides, the look on Hanji’s face when she saw Levi in my room would be absolutely _priceless_.

He reached over and mussed up my hair, a soft smirk playing on his lips. “Tch, lazy brat.”

With a huff, he threw the sheets off himself and sat up on the edge of the bed. He cracked his back and stretched out his arms before pushing himself off completely. My mouth started to water at the sight of his bare backside—but a frown quickly took over as he pulled on a pair of sweatpants from the nightstand drawer. Over the past couple of months, the two of us had taken to keeping a drawer of each other’s clothes in our rooms, just in case we happened to stay overnight.

“Mia! Answer me, buddy! I wanna know how you’re doing!”

Levi rolled his eyes at the sound of my bespectacled friend’s voice. “You want to see her?”

“No, I’m good.” To emphasize my point, I pulled the sheets up to my neck and snuggled deeper into the mattress. “I’ll be here waiting for you to get back.”

Within seconds, he was at the door, pulling it open just a crack. Over his shoulder I could see Hanji’s jaw drop—and her eyes nearly popped out of her skull when she saw me still in bed, with the sheets covering my supposedly nude body.

“What do you want, Shitty Glasses?” I bit back a groan at the ridiculous nickname; even after all these years, he still had to call her that. “It’s too early for your bullshit.”

Her stunned expression melted into one of understanding—and then one of pure, absolute mischief. “Ah, never mind,” she chirped, winking at me from over Levi’s shoulder. “I can see that the two of you are…quite _busy_. Please, don’t let me stop you from having your fun!”

I opened my mouth to protest, to insist that _it wasn’t like that_ —but then I closed it with a smile. Actually, it _was_ like that. Looks like all her teasing came true after all, huh?

“Anyway, I’ll see you two later for training! Enjoy your alone time together, lovebirds!” She gave us a final wave before barging out of my office, slamming the door shut behind her and leaving a stunned Levi standing in the doorway.

He shook his head as he closed the door, sliding the latch back into place. I lowered the sheets slightly as he made his way back to the bed, raising them up and beckoning him to join me. Luckily he took the hint, and he slid into bed beside me, his arms coiling around my waist.

“Go back to sleep, kid,” he mumbled against my hair. “I’ll wake you up later.”

I nodded again, but I was too tired to say anything. So instead, I shifted around in his arms and buried my face into his chest, trying my best to catch a couple extra hours of sleep. But just as I started to drift off, my throat tightened as a certain sudden thought came to mind, circling around in my mind over and over again:

_This is where I want to be: safe and sound, right in his arms._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think at the beginning of the chapter (and this is just my take on it), Mia's emotions are so out of whack and unstable that, when she starts feeling lustful, she's only using it as a distraction. She wants to get her mind off of Jax, so she turns to Levi, who she knows can distract her better than anything or anybody. But because she's in such an emotional state, this feeling doesn't stay intact for too long, and she goes back to thinking about her insecurities. But later on, she realizes that she doesn't want to have sex with him as a distraction, but because she really loves him. And I think Levi needed to hear that as well, because the last thing he wants to do is take advantage of her. 
> 
> On the topic of sex, I wanted to make this smut scene feel a little more like lovemaking, if that makes sense. The first smut scene between them was focused on the joys of first-time sex and making each other feel good, and in my opinion, this one focuses more on their past struggles and their acceptance of one another - especially when Levi gets emotional later on. I was somewhat hesitant to include that scene in the chapter, since I don't know if it would fit his character, but at the end of the day, I'm satisfied with it. He's seen Mia go through so much, and he's gone through so much in his own life, so he's bound to break down at some point. Right now, he finally has her in his arms, knowing that she's safe and sound and where he can protect her. And I think realizing that is what finally made him crack. 
> 
> I'm rambling at this point, so I'll just stop right there! :) Let me know what you think and your predictions for the future! We have about 1-2 more chapters that are slower-paced, and then we get to the heavier chapters! (In a good way or bad way? Let's find out!) I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I hope to see you for the next one! :)


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again guys! Originally, I wanted to post this chapter on Christmas for Levi's birthday, but I ended up finishing it a little bit later than I'd planned. Well, I think it's better to have it a day late rather than a month late haha! Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy!

|XLVI|

The next few months were quiet, for the most part. The Scouts continued with their expeditions well into the autumn months, finally halting them around mid-October. That’s when the winds started to pick up, and the sky began to darken earlier. Summer was the best time for our expeditions, so we didn’t bother continuing them when the days grew shorter—besides, we all knew firsthand just how deadly a winter expedition could be.

Morale among the Scouts had fallen a bit, probably because of the memories of last winter, combined with the lingering effects of the royal government’s control over us. Jax was still stationed at the base, and even though he stayed away from me for the most part, there would always be times where I caught him looking at me from across the mess hall, or watching me from the window in his office as I trained with my squad in the meadow. No matter where I went, I still felt his eyes on me; no matter where I happened to look, he was always there in the distance. He was like a shadow I couldn’t shake off, a bad memory I couldn’t erase from my mind.

But he never tried to touch me. At least, not yet. I knew it was only a matter of time before he made his next move.

In the meantime, I did my best to focus on my work. Training my squad, filing paperwork, helping Hanji in her lab—and at the end of the day, I always found myself in Levi’s room, snuggled up against his chest either on the couch or in his bed. Sometimes he would make the trip over to my office and spend the night with me, but more often than not, I would be the one traveling to his quarters in the dead of night. For some reason, I always felt a bit safer in his bed rather than my own.

The forests turned orange and red as the days grew crisp and cool. Leaves fell around the base, crunching beneath soldiers’ boots and horses’ hooves. Before long, the trees turned bare, and the leaves disappeared in the icy wind. By the fifth week of nothing but chilly air, the snow began to fall.

There was a time when I would have rejoiced at the sight of snowflakes dribbling down from the sky. There was just something about it that gave me a sense of joy, a sense of peace. But with the memories of last winter still fresh in my mind, I was less inclined to see the beauty of the first snowfall of the season this year. Now, I wanted nothing to do with the whiteness that covered the base at the end of the year.

Snow brought back too many unpleasant memories for me. The day my mother died. The strange men outside the Walls. Waiting for Levi to return, helplessly stuck at the top of Wall Rose. The last few years had ruined snow for me, and with the way things were going now, I didn’t think I’d be able to enjoy it again any time soon.

But with the snow came the change of months. October passed, and then November breezed by. Before we knew it, December was upon us.

Despite the constant snowfalls, I was excited for December. This year, I was prepared to do a little something different—specifically, for the twenty-fifth day. And I couldn’t wait to try it out.

The people within the Walls had an odd tradition on the twenty-fifth of December. While some believed it originated from religious beliefs, others assumed it was forged between family and friends. The day was treasured as a day to spend with the ones you loved, no matter what had befallen you over the past eleven months. At the end of the year, all was forgiven, and you were expected to turn over a new leaf. Some people even decorated their homes with holly and candles and exchanged presents with each other.

It was called Christmas—designed for celebrating the birth of love between friends and family, and treasuring the moments spent together. My family hadn’t been as extravagant with their celebrating as others had been, but we always enjoyed the holiday in our own way. And now, I planned to spend it with the one I loved the most in the world.

The Scouts often enjoyed a light feast on the eve of Christmas, after a day of relaxation. While some left to visit their families in the neighboring districts, others lingered at the base, spending the day with their squadmates and comrades. Eld and Gunther had left to spend time with their loved ones back at home, and Reggie and Gretel had done the same. Evan and Murphy had left a day prior, courtesy of Erwin’s approval.

So for tonight, it would just be the veterans at the base. But I wasn’t planning on spending the night here with Erwin, Hanji, and the others. Oh no—I had something different planned, and it all revolved around my silver-eyed Scout.

|~|

I woke up early on Christmas morning, as soon as the sun began to peak over the horizon. The room was already warm, with crimson rays of light pooling onto the floor and up to the bed. With a groan, I perched myself up on my elbow and peered out the window. A soft dusting of snow had settled over the grass in the dark of the night, and tiny flakes were continuing to fall from above.

_Perfect. Absolutely perfect._

I couldn’t hide my smile as I shifted over on the bed, turning around to face the man beside me. His eyes were still closed, his lips parted slightly, with his bangs brushed off to the side of his forehead. His breathing was even; he was still asleep, surprisingly. It was very rarely that I ever woke up before him, especially since he never slept all that much to begin with. But judging by the night the two of us had just shared just a few hours ago…

Well, I guess you could blame me for tiring him out in the first place.

As gently as I could, I threw my leg over his waist and hoisted myself up and over his body, with both hands pressed into the mattress next to his arms. His nose twitched, and a small moan left his lips. My chest swelled at the motion; he always made the cutest noises whenever he slept.

I lowered myself onto his chest, curling my messy hair behind my ears. Neither of us were clothed; just wrapped up in the sheets, smelling of the pine shampoo Levi had in his bathroom. Similar to all of the other nights we’d spent together, we had crashed in his bedroom the night before, wearing ourselves out before snuggling beneath the blankets.

He looked so sweet and peaceful, I almost didn’t want to wake him up. Very rarely was he able to get a good night’s sleep; whenever I woke up in the middle of the night, he was always awake, staring up at the ceiling or tidying up his office. Those nights often ended with me dragging him back to bed.

But he never liked staying asleep for too long, no matter how much I wanted him to. If I waited any longer, I knew he wouldn’t be pleased.

Curling my arms around his waist, I leaned down and brushed my lips against his own. They were red and slightly chapped, just how I loved them. Even in the early morning, I loved the taste of his mouth. Morning breath had _nothing_ on his natural taste and scent.

He stirred in his sleep, his lips twitching beneath mine. I opened my eyes just in time to see his snap open, soft silver hues burning into bright amber. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched him blink the sleep from his eyes, groaning softly before letting out a yawn.

“Good morning, birthday boy.”

His face scrunched up at the name. “Are you serious? I’m not five.”

“I know you’re not. But it _is_ your birthday today, so I’m going to keep calling you that, whether you like it or not.”

He rolled his eyes, slipping a hand up to rest on the small of my back. “Whatever makes you happy, brat. But thanks.” I leaned in for another kiss, but he stopped me with a hand on my lips. “No, not yet. You reek of morning breath.”

“No, I don’t!”

“Everyone does.”

“Well, I don’t think you do!”

“Then you have a shit sense of smell.”

I rolled my eyes before resting my cheek on his bare chest. Here I was, trying to do something nice for his special day and compliment him, and all I got was this horrible treatment. Almost unheard of—hadn’t he learned to be grateful at this point in his life?

“Stop pouting,” he mumbled against my hair. “And don’t say you’re not, because I know you are. I’ll kiss you once I brush my teeth. Deal?”

Another roll of my eyes. It was the best I was going to get out of him, anyway. “I guess…”

But before I pushed myself off of him, I tilted his head to the side and planted a kiss right on his cheek. Like hell he was going to keep me from kissing him at all.

The two of us headed to the bathroom to freshen up for the day, and once our teeth were clean with the mint toothpaste he kept next to the sink, he pulled me in for a real kiss. It was almost too tempting to stay there in the bathroom with him, trapped between him and the counter as he traced his tongue over mine. That was the downside of kissing him—his kisses were addictive, almost _intoxicating_ to the point where I never wanted to pull away.

When we were done in the bathroom, we headed back into the bedroom to get changed. Neither of us had to worry about training, so we settled on our casual outfits. I did my best to hide my smile as I saw him slip his black jacket over his shoulders—the same jacket I had bought for him back in Utopia District.

“So, I hope you don’t mind, but I have a few plans for tonight…”

Levi quirked an eyebrow at me, but he didn’t interrupt. Taking his silence as permission to continue, I jumped into the details of my plan:

“First, I want to take you out on a date. A _proper_ date.” My face flushed beneath his soft silver gaze. “We…we haven’t gotten the chance to be alone together…and we need some time away from work. I mean, the last time we were really together was back in Trost—”

I swallowed hard.

This would be the first time the two of us were spending time together away from the base, and not training our squads or entertaining the nobles in the walled city of Mitras. It would be just the two of us, away from everyone else and free to be ourselves. For once, we didn’t have to be Captain Levi and Captain Wolf. We didn’t have to be elite soldiers of the Survey Corps. We could just be Levi and Mia, free to do whatever we wanted for one small night. I wanted to share that sense of freedom and safety with him more than anything else in the world.

Especially since the last time we had left the base together had been nearly two years ago, when we had visited Trost to visit my dying mother. No need to think about _that_.

“…So, what do you think?” I clasped my hands behind my back, meeting his eyes with a hopeful smile. “We can stop by the little town a few miles west of here, and maybe get something to eat. It’s small enough, and the people there are used to seeing soldiers come and go as they please. So it’s not like they’ll bother us or anything.”

About three miles west of the base was a small military town called Ahorne, separate from the neighboring districts Trost and Karanes. It was much smaller than the nearby towns, and it was close enough to act as a safe haven whenever our soldiers needed to get away from the base for a while. And besides, it was nice not to get any sneering looks from the citizens of the town; because it was located so close to our base, they were used to seeing Scouts roam their streets and shop in their stores. It was probably one of the few places within the Walls that actually felt like home for our soldiers, apart from our actual base.

I had been to Ahorne only a handful of times before; when we were still cadets in the Survey Corps, Hanji and I tended to stick close to home with Trost and Shiganshina. We had no interest in a smaller town with fewer shops and sights to see. But now that I was older, I started to see the appeal in it. And I hoped Levi would, as well; as far as I knew, he had never once been to the little military town.

“Well? What do you say?”

He gave me a long look, fiddling with the cuffs of his jacket. I watched him carefully, as he eyed me up and down, before finally settling his eyes back on mine. I held my breath, praying with all my heart he would agree to this and come with me.

I just wanted to do something nice for his birthday. This was the first year I knew of its existence, and if I had to guess, I’d say he hadn’t been able to celebrate it properly since he still lived in the Underground City, with Furlan and Isabel.

Finally, he closed his eyes and sighed. He hoisted himself off the edge of the bed, tugging on the lapels of his jacket. “Fine. If you insist, we’ll go. As long as they’re not up my ass the entire time.”

I pressed my hand to my mouth just in time to hold back a laugh. “They’ll be fine, I’m sure of it. They might be shocked at first—you know, since _Humanity’s Strongest Soldier_ is coming to visit them,” I added with a wink, “but they’ll leave you alone for the most part. They always do—that’s why the Scouts like them so much.”

He only hummed in response, his eyes fixed on the floor below. He still looked doubtful, I could see it in his face. So I reached over and took his hand in my own, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Hey, look at me.” A flare of warmth flooded my chest when his eyes met mine. He had said those words to me so many times before, in my favorite moments we spent together, whenever he felt the need to put me at ease. And now it was my turn to reassure him, in any way I could. “I’ll be with you the whole time, alright? So don’t worry about it! You’re not going to be alone, end of story!”

I grabbed his other hand, pulling it up and clasping them both in my own. Warm sunlight seeped in through the window, bouncing off the edges of his midnight tresses.

“It’s your birthday, Levi, and I want you to enjoy it as much as you can. And if you’re not liking it all that much, we can always come back here and figure something else out. So, are you with me?”

The two of us stayed like that for a moment longer, gazing into each other’s eyes; amber and silver, day and night. My throat closed up the moment his features softened, and he reached a hand up to mess up my hair.

“I’m with you, brat.”

|~|

After a quiet breakfast in the mess hall—well, as quiet as it could get with Hanji’s constant chattering—I headed back to my office and locked the door behind me. Now that I had some free time before we headed out for Ahorne, I could start working on my little surprise for tonight.

I slid the bottom drawer of my desk open, where my sewing supplies was packed away in a little brown box. Right on top of the box were the patterns Lisbeth had given to me back when Evan and I visited her in Karanes District, including the cravat one—and right underneath it, wrapped up in a small white blanket, was the finished product.

Although it was a simple slip of white fabric, it had taken me forever to perfect it. I had tried with so many scraps to make sure I was getting the instructions down. I didn’t want to give something that was less than perfect to Levi, especially on his birthday. He deserved only the best, so that’s what I had strove to make.

Thankfully, the homemade cravat looked just like the sketch on the sheet. It was ready to go, to be presented to him right after we got back to the base tonight. Now all I had to do was wrap it up.

So I grabbed the cravat and headed for my bedroom, where the rest of the supplies awaited me.

|~|

“Are you sure you guys don’t want us to come along? Are you absolutely positive?”

I rolled my eyes, tightening the girth around Edel’s waist. “Yes, Hanji, I’m sure. One hundred percent positive.”

“Fine…” She puffed out her cheeks in a pout. “…Then will you at least tell me where you guys are going for your little date?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Why not?”

I nearly smacked my head into the edge of the stall. For being one of the smartest people I knew, Hanji could be such a dolt sometimes. “It’s a _date_ , Han! You’re going to show up there, and you’re going to drag either poor Moblit or Erwin with you, and we don’t want to deal with all of that. Tonight, it’s just going to be me, Levi, and no one else. And that’s _final_.”

The two of us were currently stashed away in the barn, as my bespectacled friend watched me saddle up my gray horse in his stall. She knew of my plans with Levi—I had told her a few weeks ago when I had started planning this out—but I refused to tell her which town we were going to. As much as I loved spending time with her, tonight belonged to me and my captain. _No one_ was going to interrupt us.

Hanji let out a huff, leaning against the wall of the barn. I could still feel her eyes on my back as I grabbed the bridle and slid the reins over Edel’s head. “So…when do you think you’ll be back? You’re not spending the night anywhere, are you?”

I froze, my hand gripping the edge of the bit. To be honest, I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I had a place to eat picked out, a few shops in mind, and some cute couple-like things we could do in celebration for Christmas stored away in the back of my brain. But spending the night in the little town, away from the base? I wasn’t so sure about that.

Tempting idea, but I didn’t think we were ready for that just yet.

_Well, what **aren’t** you guys ready for at this point? You sleep with each other at least twice a week. What difference does it make if it’s in the loft of a tavern instead of either of your offices at the Survey Corps base? _

…The little voice in the back of my mind _did_ have a point. We weren’t strangers anymore when it came to sex; that line had been crossed months ago, and so many times since then.

“I…I don’t think so.” I slid the bit into Edel’s mouth and began to buckle the straps on the bridle. “Why are you asking?”

“Oh, I just have something planned for Shorty,” she replied with a sly wink, “so don’t keep him all to yourself for too long! The rest of us want to spend his birthday night with him, too.”

“Fine, whatever you say, Hanji.”

It wasn’t as though I was _trying_ to keep Levi all to myself. Then again, the idea didn’t sound so bad. The thought of spending a few hours alone off the grounds of the base with him gave me a dangerous thrill. All of a sudden, I felt like I was seven years old again, sneaking off and away from my parents and seeking my next adventure.

Once Edel was saddled up and ready to go, I threw the reins back over his head and held them in my hand. Hanji moved to the side as I began to lead him out of the stall, his hooves clopping against the stone floor. But before we made it out of the barn, I threw Hanji a smile from over my shoulder.

“Don’t worry, we won’t be gone for too long. We’ll be back a little after nightfall, I’m sure of it.”

Of course, the days were shorter now, and the sky grew dark much faster than in the summertime. Levi and I would have to be careful traveling at night; we didn’t have to worry about Titans within the walls, but the past few years had taught me that Titans weren’t the only things that could be considered enemies.

The snow was still falling by the time Edel and I stepped out of the barn. The grass was covered with frost and snow—there wasn’t even a patch for Edel to snack on. He must’ve realized this, because he let out a disheartened grunt and nudged my shoulder.

“I know, I know.” I reached around and pet his snout. “You’ll be able to eat once we get there, don’t worry.”

Sure enough, just as he said he would be, Levi was standing at the edge of the meadow, holding Mischa by the reins. She was already saddled and bridled, brushing her nose through the thick snow below. Levi held out his hand, and she leaned up and nuzzled into his palm immediately. I almost laughed out loud at the sight.

Levi was dressed in one of the olive green military overcoats the Scouts wore, with the Wings of Freedom on the upper sleeves. He wore his usual white pants and boots, as well, with a gray button-down shirt over his upper half—along with his signature white cravat, of course. I had taken one of the overcoats as well, and I had put on one of my white button-down shirts with brown leggings, but I opted for shorter boots instead of my usual military ones. These were made of the same brown leather, with a deep heel for riding horses, but they cut off at my ankles instead of my knees. I would just keep them on once we were in the town; I didn’t bother bringing an extra pair in my rucksack.

“Ready to go?”

Levi nodded at me before swinging himself up into Mischa’s saddle. “Whenever you are.”

I did the same with Edel, pulling myself up on his back and gathering the reins in my hands. Once I was all settled, with my feet in the stirrups, I turned him toward the west, in the direction of Ahorne. The sun was about halfway in the sky by now; it was noon right now, and if we moved fast, we would get there about two hours before the sun started to set.

“Come on, let’s move.”

I dug my heels into Edel’s sides, and he began to lead the way at a steady trot, with Levi and Mischa close behind us.

|~|

Ahorne was a humble little town, with quiet streets and few shops to its name. It had started out as a small farming village back when my father had been a cadet, but now it specialized in not only farming and raising horses, but selling merchandise as well. There were a few small houses lined up around the edge of the town, with the stores and meeting places located more toward the center of the town. It didn’t look like much, with only about seventy or so people living in it in total, but to a lot of the soldiers at the base, it was just perfect.

I could see Levi stiffen as we crossed into the town, passing the first row of civilian cabins on the right. Some people were already peering out their windows to get a first look at the newcomers, hiding behind the curtains against the glass.

“They might stare in the beginning,” I told him, pulling Edel close to Mischa, “but they won’t bother you, I promise. They’re always a little excited to see new faces.”

He didn’t say anything, but the muscles in his face relaxed. I let out a sigh, letting my shoulders fall just a bit. As long as he was comfortable, that was fine by me.

I could see the barn where they kept the horses in the near distance. They always allowed the soldiers to drop off their horses whenever they came by to visit. Personally, the thought put me at ease; I didn’t like the idea of having Edel and Mischa hang out in the snow while Levi and I traveled the town. Neither of them were big fans of the cold to begin with—especially after that last winter expedition.

The barn was a little worn down, but it was quite roomy, with a large paddock toward the back of it. A few stable hands were outside, walking the horses and shoveling the snow away from the doors. One of them, a younger woman with brown hair tied in a braid, waved over to me from the barn entrance. I recognized her the moment her blue eyes met mine.

“Ada!” I tugged the reins and Edel came to a stop right in front of the barn. I slid off his back and gave the girl a smile. It had been years since I’d last seen her. “How have you been? I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“Oh, I’m alright, Mia,” she answered with a laugh, swishing her braid back over her shoulder. “Just tucking the horses in before dinnertime. But never mind that! How have you been? And how has my boy been doing these past couple years?” She reached up and gave Edel a pat on the nose, eliciting a happy snort from the gelding.

Ada was one of the stable hands at the barn—in fact, her family owned the barn and most of the horses they raised. Her father had made a deal with the Scouts years ago, to supply us with some of the village’s finest horses for our expedition. Now the Scouts raised most of their own horses, but her family still supplied us with some if we were ever running low. Of course, that rarely happened; we ran out of riders more often than actual horses.

Hanji and I had met her as cadets, and every time we came to visit the town, we would always stop by and say hello to her. We were nowhere near as close as me and Hanji were, but we still liked to chat from time to time. She was a sweet soul, albeit a bit airheaded at times. But she was good with the horses, and Edel loved her to death. That was more than enough for me.

“He’s fine. We’re both fine, so don’t worry about us. Actually…”

I glanced over my shoulder to see Levi still on Mischa, his eyebrow quirked in Ada’s direction. He was eyeing her suspiciously—well, he had every right to. He had only just met the girl, and here we were, acting like old friends. No wonder he was a little taken aback.

“Is it okay if we leave our horses here for a few hours? We’ll pick them up later tonight—I just don’t want them standing out in the cold for too long.”

Ada tilted her head at my question, but once she peered over my shoulder at the Scout behind me, her jaw dropped and her eyes went wide. She glanced between me and Levi at a furious pace, struggling to form words.

“Y-you mean—is _that_ —?!”

It was hard not to wince right in front of her. Well, _most_ of the citizens didn’t have a problem with visiting soldiers. Maybe I hadn’t counted on Levi being so famous with his reputation…

“We’re just visiting for the day, Ada, so we won’t be here for too long!” I pursed my lips, praying she would get the hint. “So, is it okay if we drop the horses off here? We only have so much time before it starts getting dark…”

She took one more look at Levi before turning to me. Luckily, she seemed to understand the message I was trying to send her way, and she gave me a reassuring smile. “Of course! I’ll have one of the boys come and bring them in. If no one’s here tonight when you leave, you’re free to take them back.”

Only when she turned her back did I let out a sigh of relief. At least she figured it out—the last thing I wanted to do was chase starry-eyed fans away from Levi.

When one of the boys came out of the barn, I took Edel’s face in my hands and pulled him in for a quick kiss. “Don’t worry, boy. We’ll be back soon. Now go enjoy your date with your _girlfriend_.”

And I swear, when I mentioned Mischa, his ears swiveled forward and his tail swished to the side. God, he was just as hopelessly in love with the mare as I was with Levi.

With a final wave to Ada, I took Levi by the hand and began to pull him away. “Thank you again, Ada! We’ll be back in a little while, I promise!”

Levi didn’t speak until Ada and the boy disappeared into the barn, along with our horses. When he did, he turned to me and raised his eyebrow.

“Is everyone in this town like that?”

“Oh no, don’t worry about her. She just gets excited pretty easily, but I trust her. I’ve known her for a good few years now—ever since I was a cadet, actually,” I added with a sheepish smile. “But no one will bother us here. That’s why I like it so much. You can blend right in without having to worry about being a famous Scout.”

His eyes remained slanted, but the muscles in his forehead relaxed. “I see. No one cares if we come here, then?”

“Nope, not really! They’ll just see this,” I pointed to the patch of dual wings on his shoulder, “nod, and look the other way. No one really cares since they see Scouts here all the time.”

And these townsfolk were probably the only ones within the Walls that didn’t patronize us for doing our jobs as Scouts. While the other districts ostracized us and questioned the usefulness of our expeditions and our branch as a whole, the town of Ahorne didn’t really care. That’s why I liked them so much—they stayed out of politics, just like I did.

But perhaps that was the reason Erwin didn’t come here as often as he could, though… He was always partial to the political atmosphere of the inner Walls, after all.

“Anyway, what do you want to look at first?” I tugged on his wrist, leading him further into the town, closer to the small crowds of people lining the main square. “We don’t have to eat until later tonight, so we have some time to kill. There’s a couple of shops nearby. Or we can see the nearby farmlands. They’re Ahorne’s pride and joy, after all.” With a smile, I turned around and faced him, keeping my fingers locked around his wrist. “It’s _your_ choice, Levi. You’re the birthday boy. So what do you want to do first?”

He grimaced at the nickname, but he didn’t speak out against it like he had earlier this morning. In fact, he didn’t say anything at all. He simply stood there, slowly taking in the sight of the town around him.

Just when I thought this was going to be too much for him, he met my eyes again, and the slightest hint of a smirk tugged at his mouth. “Are there any tea shops nearby?”

“I think so! There should be one right down here, on the corner of the next street over…”

|~|

As the day carried on, I realized that exploring the little town with Levi was far different than it was with Hanji. They had such opposing styles of taking in new environments that it blew my mind. While Hanji was always rushing around to see every inch of a town, Levi was much more relaxed, taking his time through the shops to the point where I almost had to beg him to come back out. Leaving the tea shop was particularly challenging; we didn’t leave until Levi had at least two boxes of tea leaves under his arm.

Although I insisted until I was blue in the face, he paid for his own items. It was his birthday—he shouldn’t have to pay for anything! But he was a stubborn bastard, and I knew there was no way of winning that argument, so I let him have his way. Besides, I would be paying for our meal that evening, anyway. I had already planned on it.

Lanterns flickered on every street corner, and small red ribbons decorated some of the nearby houses and shops. Some of the stores in the busier districts, especially those within Wall Sina, often closed for Christmas. But in Ahorne, they were all open, welcoming customers with a bright and cheerful smile. It was a refreshing change of pace—the memories of Mitras still left a bitter taste against my tongue.

All the while, the two of us walked side by side, our elbows constantly brushing against each other. My hand twitched, as I longed to lace my fingers with his own, but I was too nervous to do so. Now that so many people could see us, I didn’t want to accidentally make him uncomfortable. He was an _extremely_ private man, after all. I didn’t want to push my luck with him.

Still, I was having the time of my life. And when I turned around and asked Levi if he was having fun, he gave me one of the softest smiles I had ever seen.

“I’m impressed, kid. You know a good town when you see one, I’ll give you that.”

Finally, when the sun began to touch the horizon in the east, I pointed toward the direction of the tavern. Might as well sit down to eat now, right? Especially if Hanji wanted us back in time for whatever she had planned for Levi.

“Come on, let’s go eat. And don’t even say anything, because I’m paying for it,” I added with a smirk of my own.

He simply rolled his eyes, hugging his parcel of tea close to his chest. “Whatever makes you feel better, Wolf.”

“It does, thank you.” I gave him another smile before pushing the door of the tavern open.

It was _nothing_ like the taverns in the darkest corners of Stohess or Ehrmich, or even in the streets of Karanes and Utopia. Those taverns were dingy at best, and downright repulsive at worst—especially the ones in Wall Sina. For some reason, the citizens within the inner Walls had no idea how to keep a simple tavern clean.

This one was small, only big enough for ten tables or so, but they were ten _clean_ tables. There was a small counter toward the back of the room, with a middle-aged bartender cleaning glasses behind it. A couple of serving girls pranced around the tables, carrying trays of drinks and checking on the customers to make sure they were satisfied. Overall, it was a very cozy atmosphere, and it gave me a warm, satisfied feeling in my chest the longer I stood in the doorway.

I bit my lip, glancing over my shoulder to peek at Levi’s expression. “So? What do you think? Is it clean enough for you?”

As skilled as he was with hiding his emotions, he couldn’t hide the look of pure shock that crossed his features. He was just as taken aback by the state of cleanliness as I was; this little tavern certainly didn’t fit the stereotype.

“It’s nice,” he finally said with a nod. “Not bad at all.”

Another sigh flew past my lips. _That_ was a relief.

The two of us walked over to one of the smaller booths against the back wall, near the counter with the bartender. As we sat down in our seats, I watched out of the corner of my eye as the bartender took a pair of menus from the counter and slid out from behind it. Before I knew it, he was in front of our table, wearing a warm smile on his face. By the way he carried himself, I assumed he was probably the owner of the tavern, as well. Well, most bartenders were.

“Good evening,” he greeted us in a gruff voice, “and Merry Christmas to you both! How have you been? What can I do for you on this fine night?”

Levi eyed him cautiously, but I gave the man a smile. “Merry Christmas to you, too, sir! We’re doing just fine, thank you. What about you?”

He shook his head, a tint of pink spreading across his chinks. “I’m doing alright, thank you, ma’am.” I blushed at the title. “Well, I won’t be bothering you two too much tonight. Here are the menus, and when you’re ready to order, one of our lovely serving girls will come by and see how you’re doing. If I may,” he added, reaching over to point at a few lines on my menu, “I would recommend the sliced ham. We had a bit extra this year, after all.”

My jaw dropped at the mention of meat. “Wait, really?! But I thought you had to send it all off to Wall Sina!” Meat had become increasingly rare nowadays, ever since Wall Maria fell. It was almost unheard of for farmers to actually keep a portion of the meat they sent over to the inner districts. Vegetables and fruits were a given, but meat? It all had to be carted off, no matter what. No exceptions.

“Well, those people over in Wall Sina don’t need to know _every_ little detail,” he replied with a cheeky smile. “Besides, who says I can’t spoil my customers every now and then? Especially on Christmas.”

I gave him a nod. I couldn’t argue with that. “Well, I appreciate it, sir. And thank you very much.”

“No, thank _you_ , ma’am. Thank you _both_.” This time, he directed his smile to Levi, who still eyed him coldly. “For keeping the Walls safe and sound. For protecting us with your lives. It really means a lot to me, and to the rest of this town. It’s an honor to have a pair of Scouts in my tavern tonight.”

My eyes began to burn at his little speech. It had been so long since I’d heard someone actually commend the Survey Corps for its service to humanity that I had completely forgotten what it felt like. It was nice to have someone congratulate me without a snarky smile, or with a snide comment under their breath. This man was genuine, and for that, I was incredibly grateful.

“Well, I’ll leave you to it, then,” he finished, straightening himself up. “I’ll give you a chance to look over the menu. When you’re done, feel free to wave down one of the serving girls. They’ll look after you.”

With a final nod, he turned back to the bar and walked away, leaving me and Levi to stare at the menus he had left us.

“Well…” I shifted awkwardly in my seat, suddenly aware of Levi’s silver eyes on me. “He was nice.”

He hummed, dropping his eyes down to the menu on the table. He scanned it once, maybe twice before glancing back up at me. I held my breath, waiting for him to speak.

“You seem so comfortable around here. Is it like that with everybody?”

“Ah, it might be just me, but a lot of soldiers like coming here. It’s quiet and easy to get lost in. Honestly, apart from the base, it’s like a second home away from home.”

My throat tightened the moment the words left my lips. If things were normal, if Wall Maria _hadn’t_ fallen three years ago, would I be bringing Levi home to my mother in Shiganshina right now? Would I be watching him meet Ben for real and arguing with Leyna, right there in our little living room?

Scratch that—if the world wasn’t as it was, would the two of us have even _met_?

_No, don’t think about that now. It’s Christmas, for God’s sake! Just enjoy your time with him for now. No need to get yourself so upset over nothing._

“I see.” He picked up the menu again, holding it up to his face, so I could only see those gorgeous gray irises staring back at me. “Not a bad little town, Wolf. Let’s just hope their food is as good as they say.”

A huge smile broke out on my face. At least he was enjoying himself right now. If he didn’t like the town, I was sure he would’ve said something by now. But his shoulders were lax and his face was soft. He was completely relaxed—well, as relaxed as Captain Levi could get, anyway.

Finally, when the two of us had decided on our orders, one of the serving girls came by our table to check on us. We gave her our orders and she took them with a smile, promising to come right back with our drinks. I had ordered a simple glass of water, while Levi had stuck with his usual black tea.

As the minutes ticked by, the two of us sat there in silence, simply enjoying each other’s company. It was so tempting to reach over and hold his hand in my own, but there were other people in the tavern. I didn’t want to embarrass him. Instead, I tapped my boot against his own, locking my lower leg around his. He seemed to get the hint fairly quickly, judging by the smirk on his face.

The blond serving girl came back with our drinks, placing them down in front of us with a soft smile. But when she turned to leave, I couldn’t help but notice the shy smile she flashed in Levi’s direction. And it was hard to keep the frown off my face, even as she disappeared into the back room.

_Of course, people are bound to recognize him. I mean, just look at Ada. He’s going to have some fans out there, and some of them might even have a crush on him. It’s inevitable, with the way he looks._

It was weird, though. At least in Mitras, disliking all the girls that dared to bat their eyelashes at him came natural to me. But right now, with this serving girl who seemed too sweet for her own good, I felt almost bad acting all possessive over him.

Ugh, maybe it was just some weird girl thing. I wished I had asked my mother about it when I was younger.

I swallowed hard and raised my glass to my lips. But the moment I set it down, Levi’s voice filled my ears.

“Someone’s not jealous, is she?”

The tips of my ears burned. “N-no! Of course not!” I took another sip of water to clear my parched throat. But he still kept staring at me with those mesmerizing eyes. 

“You’re shit at lying, you know.”

 _Damn it_. He knew me too well at this point. There was no use in arguing with him, so I only rolled my eyes and took another drink.

But the nudge he gave my leg beneath the table seemed to calm my nerves. He was here, with me right now, and nobody else. He was mine, and he was going to stay with me, no matter what.

_Yeah, no matter what._

The serving girl returned a few moments later with our meals. The two of us had taken the bartender’s recommendation and ordered dishes with sliced ham, along with some vegetables and little chunks of roasted potatoes. The two of us thanked the girl—even Levi gave her a grateful nod—but before she could get too far away, I reached over and pressed a few gold coins into her palm. She gaped at the money—there was more than enough to pay for the meal. Besides, she earned herself a tip. She had been nothing but cordial to both of us throughout the entire night.

“I just want to give it to you now, so _he_ doesn’t try to pay before me.”

Levi only rolled his eyes before taking another sip of his tea.

The girl stifled a laugh with the back of her hand, her cheeks glowing with a pretty rosy color. “Thank you very much, ma’am. I hope you enjoy your meal! And Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas to you too!”

She turned and disappeared in the back room, still clutching the coins to her chest. I watched her go, trying my best to keep the smile off my face.

But when I turned back around, I realized Levi was still staring at me. “What?”

“I told you, I didn’t want you spending your money on me.”

“Oh, lighten up!” I shoved a forkful of potatoes into my mouth— _by the Walls, these are actually really good_ —and glared at him. “It’s your _birthday_ , and I want to spoil you for a bit. I have a right to spoil my boyfriend on his special day, you know. _Especially_ if it’s Christmas.”

He rolled his eyes before digging into his own meal. The bartender hadn’t been lying in the slightest—the sliced ham was absolutely delicious. I was actually kind of glad the bartender had kept some for himself instead of sending it all off to Wall Sina. It _was_ a holiday after all, and the people of Ahorne deserved to be treated to something a little fancier than what they were used to. And the vegetables on the side weren’t that bad, either. Although, the roasted potatoes were still my favorite part of the meal. (Well, next to the meat, that is.)

When the two of us were finished, we gathered up our things and prepared to leave. I left a few more coins on the table for the girl when she came back—it was Christmas, after all—and waved to the bartender on the way out. He waved back, wishing a “Merry Christmas!” after us as we walked out the door.

It was pitch black outside, the moon crawling over the west side of the sky, but the town was alight with lanterns and decorations. Candles were hung in every window pane, and holly leaves laced the doorways of shops and homes alike. Children were out in the square, chasing each other and throwing snowballs at one another, while their parents stood by and conversed with each other. A little further down, on the opposite side of the square, there was a small group of men with their wooden instruments, playing a jolly tune as couples danced all around them. Their instruments were nothing like the elegant ones they had in Mitras and the rest of Wall Sina, but the music they made was beautiful all the same.

My chest tightened as I remembered spending Christmas with my parents and siblings, so many years ago. Ma would sing cheerful songs with Leyna, and Ben and I would take turns dancing with Dad, laughing as he swung us around. That was before his accident—before he passed away—before Wall Maria fell—

_Before the whole world went to shit._

Suddenly, something warm wrapped around my hand. I glanced down to see Levi’s palm pressed against my own, with our fingers tangled together.

“So, what’s next?” He turned to look at me, the corner of his lips jutting up ever so slightly. “What else do you have planned for our special night out?”

I couldn’t help but smile. Maybe I was wrong. The whole world hadn’t gone to shit yet—after all, Levi was still at my side, right?

“Well, I _could_ teach you how to dance…”

“Absolutely not.”

“Ugh, fine! You’re no fun, even on your birthday…”

I glanced down at the snow, watching it flutter from the sky and settle around my boots. Suddenly, just like the flickering flames in the lanterns, a devious idea came to mind. And the more I stared at the children playing in the snow, the more I wanted to carry it out.

Levi didn’t even have time to speak before I scooped up a handful of snow and threw it at him. It only hit his arm, but it was enough to catch him off guard and loosen his grip on my hand. I broke free a second later, racing to the other side of the square, where the children were still playing. When I glanced back at him, I nearly laughed at the sight of him brushing snow off his coat, his face scrunched up in disgust.

“What’s the matter?” I called back to him, still stifling my laughter. “You _do_ know how a snowball fight works, right?”

He didn’t respond—well, not with words, anyway. Instead, he calmly placed the parcel of tea leaves in the snow next to him, before scooping up a handful for himself. My face fell as he began to shape it into a ball. It was considerably larger than the snowball I had thrown at him!

“Wait—!”

Icy whiteness exploded on my face, and I nearly tumbled into the snow on my back. I could hear the kids laughing nearby; when I finally brushed the snow off my face, I saw one or two of the boys pointing in my direction.

I glanced back at Levi, who looked pretty damn proud of himself. Well, why wouldn’t he be? He had good aim, a great weapon, and he managed to hit me right in the face.

Oh, it was _on_.

I grabbed another handful and threw it at him, knocking him in the chest this time. He replied with another few handfuls of his own—while I managed to dodge most of them, more than a few of them hit me in the arms and legs. All the while, I was giggling uncontrollably, my voice lost in the children’s laughter.

Suddenly, one of the snowballs I had thrown at him managed to hit their mark—right between his eyes, bathing his face in freezing snow. At first, I felt triumphant. I had finally hit him!

But then, as he rubbed at his eyes and began muttering to himself, I began to have second thoughts.

“Levi?”

He glanced up at me, his lips strung up in a smirk. Before I knew it, he was chasing me, kicking up tufts of snow as the two of us raced around the buildings.

“Wait a minute! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you in the face! I swear, I didn’t!”

He managed to corner me behind the tavern, and all of a sudden, a pair of strong arms curled around my waist and brought me down into the snow below. I couldn’t stop laughing as the two of us tumbled around, holding each other and laughing like children in the snow. When I finally opened my eyes, I saw him hovering over me, his cheeks pink and his overgrown black bangs plastered to his forehead. If I had to guess, I didn’t look much better.

I reached up and brushed some of the snow out of his hair, trying not to blush as he craned into my touch. He was so warm and soft against me, the perfect contrast to the wintry weather around us. It was hard not to pull him down for a kiss right then and there—but even though we were behind the tavern, I didn’t want to risk getting caught. Besides, there was no guarantee that if I kissed him, I’d be able to hold myself back from doing more.

“You’ll pay for that, you little brat.”

“What?! It’s a game! I didn’t mean to hit you in the face…”

He quirked an eyebrow, his warm hands lingering on my cheeks. “Sure you didn’t.”

Neither of us said anything after that. We just continued to lay in the snow, with his body on top of mine. He kept his hands on my cheeks, tracing his thumb over the little white scar on the left side of my face. Meanwhile, I slipped my fingers through his hair, scratching my nails against the scruff of his undercut.

“Merry Christmas, handsome.”

He rolled his eyes at the nickname. “Merry Christmas to you too, brat.”

“When do you think we should head back? Not that I don’t love being here with you…but I’m starting to get wet.”

“Oh, is that so?”

“ _Levi_! Not like that!” My cheeks burned beneath his palms. “Get your mind out of the gutter! There are children nearby!”

“So what?” He slid his hand down to my chest, fingering the lapels of my military overcoat. “No one’s here now. We’re alone.”

I giggled, my blush only growing stronger. “What would the people of Ahorne say if they saw the great Captain Levi fooling around with one of his fellow soldiers in the snow? I don’t think they would like it very much.”

“Who gives a shit?” He curled his hand around the back of my head, cradling it against the snow. “As if I care what they think about us.”

He leaned down and kissed my lips, cutting off any reply I might have had. My eyes fluttered shut, and I tightened my fingers in his hair, pulling him even closer to me. I smiled against his mouth as he reached his other hand up, brushing my wet hair out of my face.

I lived for the little moments like these. The times when I got to hold the man I loved in my arms, when I got to forget about the hell that awaited us beyond Wall Rose. When I only focused on him, and no one else—when I forgot about all the hardships that had befallen on us over the past few years. For a moment, I let myself believe that everything was absolutely perfect. Right here, right now, lying in the snow with Levi holding me close, there wasn’t anywhere I’d rather be.

I kept my hands on the back of his head, even as he pulled away from me. “Love you, birthday boy.”

He groaned, pushing himself off of me with a shake of his head. “You ruined it.”

“Aw, what did I do?!”

“I told you not to call me that.”

But his face was soft as he helped me to my feet, clenching his hand around my own. Once I was up, I brushed the flakes of snow off my back, grimacing at the patch of wetness on my bottom. I would have to change my clothes once we got back to the base.

“Go get your tea leaves, and we’ll go back to the barn. I think it’s time we head home, alright?”

He nodded, keeping his fingers laced with mine. “Sounds like a plan.”

|~|

Just as Ada had said, no one was at the barn by the time we came back. I left her a small note and a pouch of gold coins, as a thank you for taking care of our horses. And once Edel and Mischa were all saddled up, the four of us headed out of the little town and back to the Survey Corps base.

The base was nowhere near as bright as Ahorne had been, but it was still as cozy and comforting as it had always been. As we tucked the horses away for the night, I could see that the lights were still on in the mess hall, a warm orange glow emitting from the windows. I could see a handful of silhouettes against the glass, dark shadows against the bright lights.

“Looks like they’re just finishing up dinner,” I said, refilling Edel’s water bucket. “Might as well go and say hi, right?” Besides, I was sure Hanji was in there, for whatever she had planned for Levi tonight.

He nodded, giving Mischa one final pat before latching up her stall. I did the same with Edel, pressing a kiss to his huge nose and patting his cheek. Once they were safe and sound in their stalls, I grabbed the lantern and held it out, leading the two of us over to the mess hall.

Suddenly, when we were about halfway there, I felt a gentle hand rest itself on my upper arm. Levi froze in his tracks, pulling us both to a stop right there in the snow. I tilted my head at him, still clutching the lantern and waiting for him to speak.

“…Thank you.” When he finally met my eyes, a soft smile had etched itself on his features. “Thank you for spending the day with me, and…showing me that little town.” He shifted awkwardly in the snow, hugging the parcel of tea leaves to his chest. “…I really enjoyed it. Maybe…” But as soon as the word left his lips, he shook his head and looked away. “Never mind.”

As his words sank in, I realized what he was trying to say: _“Maybe we can go there again sometime, just the two of us.”_ And honestly, that didn’t sound like such a bad idea.

“You’re welcome, Levi.” I reached up and gave him a kiss on his cheek, grabbing his hand and giving it a squeeze. “I’m glad you enjoyed your little birthday treat. But that’s not all. There’s also something else I have to give you.”

But before I could say anything else on the matter, the doors to the mess hall swung open, bathing the two of us in soft orange light. I glanced to the side and bit back a sigh as I saw Hanji standing in the doorway, wearing one of her famous shit-eating grins on her face.

“Oh, good! You lovebirds are finally back!” I blushed under her bespectacled gaze, and it only worsened when Levi tightened his hand around my own. “Come on in! We were starting to get worried!”

She left us no room to argue as she motioned us inside. I shared a quick glance with Levi, a sheepish smile forming on my face. He only shrugged his shoulders before leading us both inside, through the doors that Hanji held open for us.

The inside of the mess hall had never looked so… _bright_ before. Candles were lit and placed on every table, and bundles of holly were strung along the walls. Red ribbons and bows were pinned up to the corners of the room, giving it a festive look just in time for Christmas.

It _had_ to be Hanji’s doing—but judging by the exasperated look on Moblit’s face in the far corner, I had to say he had played a major role in keeping her organized. I had to commend him for that; only he was able to keep up with Hanji for so long.

In the center of the mess hall, at the usual Squad Leaders’ table, was a small collection of presents, all wrapped in brown paper with little strings tied around them. Erwin, Mike, Moblit, and Nanaba were seated around the table, side by side, lost in conversation. But the moment I stepped in with Levi, all of them turned around to face us, their conversation long forgotten.

Erwin was the first to stand up and address us, as Hanji shut the door behind us. “Welcome back, you two. I hope you enjoyed your day off of the base.”

I threw a glare at Hanji from over my shoulder, and she only shrugged her shoulders in response. Of course, she would go off and blabber to everyone about what Levi and I were doing today.

“Anyway,” our Commander continued, “the five of us—well, six, counting Mia—wanted to do a little something special for you today, Levi. Hanji had us prepare a little celebration for you, for when you two got back from…ahem, your _date_ …”

At this, Levi’s eyes narrowed. _Uh-oh_.

_Shit, I **knew** I shouldn’t have told Hanji we were going out today! _

“It’s not—”

“Mia, no offense,” Nanaba piped up with a smirk, “but you aren’t as clever as you think you are. Has anyone ever told you you’re not very good at lying?”

My face flushed at her words—and even more so when I caught Levi smirking at me out of the corner of my eye.

“It’s not that any of us have a problem with it,” she continued, while Mike did a poor job of stifling his laughter next to her. “We’re all happy for you two! It’s actually kind of sweet to see you two together—”

“Alright, we get it,” Levi snapped as I hid my scarlet face in my hands. God, I was used to this kind of talk from Hanji, but not Nanaba! In a way, I kind of felt betrayed by her. “You’ve made your point, now quit it. What is all this shit, anyway?” He gestured to the pile of presents on the table, clearly desperate to change the subject.

Luckily, Erwin seemed to get the hint—while Mike and Nanaba continued to snicker on the side. “Oh, these are for you, Levi. We just wanted to wish you well on your birthday. And besides, it’s not every day we’re celebrating one on a holiday.”

He was right. None of the Scouts, as far as I knew, had a birthday on a holiday, especially not one as well-known and celebrated as Christmas. Levi was special in that way. In my opinion, he was blessed to be born on Christmas. No matter what his life had been like in the Underground City, he had been brought into the world on a remarkable day, and for that he was seen as a gift.

And I was sure that, to his mother who had worked in a brothel of all places, her son had been one of the best gifts she could have gotten. Wherever she was, I hoped she was much happier now than she had been in the Underground City.

Hanji came up behind us, shoving us toward the table. “Come on, you two! Sit down and start opening presents, Levi! We’ve been waiting all night for you to come back, you know!”

Finally, the two of us sat down at the table, with me and Levi between Hanji and Erwin, and Moblit, Mike, and Nanaba seated across from us. Levi still looked a little skeptical at the pile of presents on the table; no doubt, he hadn’t been spoiled like this in a long time.

_Perhaps he’s never been spoiled like this. Money runs tight in the Underground City, and he never likes spending money on himself. He probably doesn’t know how to handle it all._

Nevertheless, he took one of the presents and began to tear at the wrapping paper.

The first one was from Erwin—I could tell by the way his cheeks tinted pink as Levi opened the present up. It was a new porcelain tea set, clearly made in the capital by the way it shone. But the Wings of Freedom pattern had been painted on the sides, white wings against black wings. At the sight of it, Levi’s face softened considerably, and he held one of the cups as if he was terrified he would break it.

 _He must have had them specially made, then_. And by the looks of it, Levi absolutely loved it.

The next one was from Mike—well, from him and Nanaba really, since their gifts went hand-in-hand. Nanaba had given him some new dust rags, while Mike had given him some new scented soap for his cleaning sprees. At the questionable look Levi gave him, Mike shrugged his shoulders.

“This cleaner doesn’t smell as strong as the other ones you use,” he answered with a shudder.

“Tch, it’s not my fault you have such a fucking weird nose.” But he was grateful for the gift—I could see it in his eyes.

The third gift was from Hanji—and while it certainly wasn’t the oddest gift she had ever given someone, it definitely raised a few eyebrows. It was a white turtleneck sweater, all soft and fuzzy with extra-long sleeves. It definitely looked cozy, but was it something Levi would wear? I wasn’t so sure.

“It’s not the weirdest gift she’s given,” Nanaba murmured, echoing my thoughts. “A few years ago for my birthday, she gave me a pair of Titan eyes in a jar. Titan eyes!”

“Hey, they were fascinating! They hadn’t disappeared with the rest of the Titan yet!”

“And you decided to give them as a gift?” The disbelief was evident in Mike’s voice.

“Why not? I’d be pretty happy if someone gave them to me as a gift,” Hanji replied proudly, puffing out her chest.

“Remind me of that for next year,” Levi muttered, holding the sweater close to his chest. He didn’t cast it to the side, like I thought he would. Instead, he kept his eyes on it, tracing each stitch and pattern with his finger.

_Huh, who knew? Maybe he liked warm clothing like that._

And finally, the last gift was from Moblit—and it got a chuckle out of everyone at the table. It was a bottle of alcohol, but not the cheap back-alley brand they sold over in Trost District. No, this had been imported straight from Wall Sina—probably along with the tea set Erwin had given him.

Of course, Moblit would be the one to give him that. It was no secret that he was the heaviest drinker among the Scouts—no wonder, if he had to put up with Hanji every hour of the day. But he had the best tolerance out of all of us, so he never felt the negative effects of it.

Levi sat there, in the midst of it all, blinking slowly at the gifts around him. Suddenly, without any prompting whatsoever, he gave the soldiers around us a grateful nod.

“I appreciate this, guys. You didn’t have to—”

“Nonsense,” Erwin shut him down with a smile. “It’s the first year any of us have known about your birthday. We wanted to make it a little bit special, at least.” Thankfully, Levi didn’t argue with that.

Finally, when all the presents had been given out, Hanji leaned over and clapped me hard on the back. “And I’m sure that our little Mia here has her present all planned out for you, Shorty. But I don’t think she wants all of us to be here when she, you know, _gives it to you_.”

My cheeks flared when I realized what she was insinuating. “H-Hanji! Cut it out!”

“Okay, fine! Whatever you say, buddy,” she said with a wink. “But seriously, make sure you give it to him good—”

“Hanji, I _swear to God_ —”

But she was already halfway to the door, cackling all the while, with Moblit on her tail. “Have a good night, you guys! And happy birthday again, Levi!”

With that, she slammed the door shut behind her and Moblit, leaving the rest of us in silence in the middle of the mess hall.

Erwin was the next person to leave. He gave us a smile before pushing himself out of his seat. “Have a good night, and Merry Christmas to you all.” A sleepy chorus of “Merry Christmas” was his response, and before we knew it, he had joined Hanji and Moblit out in the snow.

Now, it was just me, Levi, Mike, and Nanaba.

“Do you need any help carrying any of this to your office?”

“No, we’ll manage.”

I couldn’t help but smile when he said _we’ll_ instead of _I’ll_. “Yeah, we’ll be good. But thanks for the offer.”

Nanaba nodded, her lips strung up in a knowing smile. “Well, at least let us get the door for you.”

So the four of us headed out, with Mike holding the door for us as we walked into the snow. I held onto the cleaning supplies and the alcohol, while Levi carried the tea set in his arms and the sweater on his shoulder. The parcel of tea leaves from Ahorne was still held against his chest—no doubt he was thinking of trying them with the new tea set Erwin had gotten for him.

The two of us split up from Mike and Nanaba at the entrance of the castle—and before heading off to the girls’ barracks, Nanaba gave me a mischievous smile. But before I could confront her, she disappeared around the corner and into the night.

I fought back the urge to sigh. How long had it taken for all of them to realize I was with Levi? I was tempted to ask them about it tomorrow, before the rest of the Scouts came back to the base.

But that could wait. Now, I had a little bit more time with my captain.

The trip to Levi’s office was quiet. But before we made it all the way there, I excused myself and dipped into my own office for a minute. I grabbed my present for Levi—which was resting on my desk—and hid it among the cleaning supplies in my arms. When I was finished, I joined him back out in the hallway, and we continued on our walk.

Finally, when the two of us were in his office, and the gifts were put away in their respective spots, I shed my overcoat and held the box out to him. Levi eyed it curiously, still in the middle of taking off his own coat.

“You didn’t have to get me anything, brat. The trip to the town was more than enough.”

I rolled my eyes. Of course, he would say something like that. “No, this is something different. I’ve…had this in mind for a few months now.” _More than a few, at this point._ “And…if you don’t want to think of it as a birthday gift, that’s fine. Think of it as a Christmas gift.”

The skeptical look never left his face, but he took the box anyway. He slid the red ribbon out of it and took the top off. His eyes widened as he saw what awaited for him inside.

He took the cravat out slowly, as if he was scared he would damage it. It was simple, no different than the one he was currently wearing, but with silver lace embedded in the fabric instead of white. At the very edge of the cravat was a small message, embroidered into the white fabric:

**_For my Captain – 25/12/847_ **

I clasped my hands behind my back, trying my best not to wring them together. He was being awfully quiet about it. Did he not like it? Had I accidentally screwed up on one of the stitches? Was it too big or too small? Or did he just prefer the one he was already wearing? I _was_ an amateur sewer, after all—maybe I shouldn’t have bothered with it in the first place.

Suddenly, he was right in front of me, with his hands on either side of my face. The softness of the cravat brushed against my cheek as he tilted my face up, bringing my lips to his.

_Huh… I guess he likes it after all._

“It’s beautiful,” he mumbled against my mouth. “Thank you, Mia.”

 _Thank you, Mia._ The words repeated themselves over and over in my head, and a blush rose up to my cheeks.

“Ah, no problem! I’m…I’m glad you like it! I know how you are with your cravat, so…” I trailed off awkwardly, not knowing how to continue. “I’m just glad you’re happy with it…”

He nodded, but just when I thought he would pull me in for another kiss, he took a step back, his eyes still glued to the cravat. He traced the embroidered message over and over again, tracing each individual letter and number.

“A Christmas gift, huh?” His eyes were on mine, a familiar light dancing in that shadow of blue around his pupils. “Fine, then. I have one for you, too.”

My jaw nearly dropped to the floor. “L-Levi, come on! You didn’t have to get me anything! It’s _your_ birthday, you know!”

“I know,” he replied with a smirk, “so just think of it as a Christmas gift.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. Damn, I couldn’t argue with that logic.

He placed the cravat down on the desk, right against the sweater Hanji had given him. He made his way around the desk, finally stopping at the chair on the other side. But before he opened one of the drawers on the right side, he glanced up at me, his eyebrows knitted into a frown.

“Close your eyes.”

_Ooh, a bit of mystery. What is he planning?_

Despite my internal questions, I closed my eyes and waited, listening to him rustle around in his desk drawer.

“Hold out your hands.”

I obeyed his orders, just as I always did.

I heard his footsteps against the wood as he walked back over to me. Something light settled against the palms of my hands. Was it parchment? It felt like it.

“Alright, open them.”

I did—and they nearly popped out of my skull.

Levi had definitely placed a paper in my hand—but it wasn’t just any paper. It was a drawing—a sketch, if you will. Of a girl and her horse. No, of a Scout and her steed. _Of myself and Edel._

I recognized the setting all too quickly. Edel and I were standing in the snow, with flakes falling all around us and clumping around our boots and hooves on the ground. He was saddled and bridled, his dark mane a startling splash of color against the faded parchment. He looked _so real_ , like I could touch the paper, and I would feel his thick coat against my fingers. It was almost frightening, but at the same time, it was enchanting.

And then there was me. I stood in front of him, holding his face between my hands, pressing my forehead against his own. The hood of my Survey Corps cloak had been blown back, and my hair was tousled by the wintry wind around us. A rare smile was plastered on my face, and my eyes were wide as I stared at my gelding. One of my boots was lifted in the snow; I had nearly tripped while holding him like this, and I had to catch myself on a soft patch just before I fell.

At the edge of the page, right in the bottom right corner, was a name and date:

**_Levi, 7.3.847_ **

“Probably one of the few good memories I have from that damn expedition,” he mumbled, running a hand against his undercut. “I didn’t…I didn’t want to forget it.”

I wanted to reply, but I couldn’t. My mouth was too dry.

He had drawn this. All the way back in March, right after that dreaded winter expedition. Captain Levi, Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, had drawn this portrait of me and my horse…and he had made us both look absolutely _stunning_. For the first time in my life, as I glanced at the picture in front of me, I actually felt beautiful.

“Levi…”

I wanted to hug him, but I didn’t want to damage the sketch. So I stood there awkwardly, glancing at the desk, at the chair—anywhere to put this beautiful drawing. But he seemed to take the hint, and he took it off my hands and placed it on the desk, right next to the cravat I had made him. Once my hands were free, I launched myself in his arms, pressing hot kisses against every inch of his face.

“Thank you,” I kept mumbling against his skin, “thank you so much! It’s beautiful, Levi—one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever given me! Thank you so much! I…I had no idea you could draw like that!”

He stifled a laugh against my lips. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve guessed he was nervous. “I don’t like to advertise it. I stopped doing it years ago. But Moblit found out a while ago…and he got me into it again.”

Of course, Moblit the artist managed to convince him to take it back up. I would have to thank him later when I saw him. And I would also have to interrogate Levi about his little hobby…where he had learned it from, who had taught him, whether or not Furlan and Isabel had known about it… But all of that could wait a bit. Right now, I couldn’t get enough of this man, _or_ his lips.

“I love it. I love it so much, you have no idea!” I was rambling at this point, but I couldn’t care less. “Thank you so much, Levi…”

Our sweet kisses turned sloppy quite fast, and before I knew it, the two of us found ourselves in the bedroom, with the door locked behind us. Levi’s back hit the mattress with a soft _thump,_ and I wasted no time in crawling over him. The two of us smiled, our cheeks flushed as we began to undress each other. Time to give him the _other_ part of his birthday present—the part that no one but Levi was allowed to know about.

It was a struggle to keep quiet as we lost ourselves in each other, but we managed to do it. We always did. And finally, the day ended just as it began: with my body draped over his, and our lips against each other’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole idea of Levi being a secret artist comes from [xxdragonwriterxx](https://xxdragonwriterxx.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr, who is an amazing writer! Their story "The Secret Compartment" put the idea in my head in the first place, so make sure you check their fics out! All credit goes to them for the idea! 
> 
> I've been toying with the idea of a little Christmas special for this story, so I was really excited to finally write one out! The next chapter will be the last "soft" one for a while - think of it as the calm before the storm. We've been pretty relaxed since Ch. 40 or so, and it's time to get back into the angst we all dread, haha. Besides, we only have 20 or so chapters left, and I want to make sure I wrap up my plot points before the next installment, which should take us through the main events of the series. 
> 
> I know 2020 hasn't been an idea for a lot of us, but I want to take the time to let you know just how much I appreciate all of you. At the start of the year, I had no idea this story would reach such a wide range of readers. I'm incredibly grateful that so many of you have joined me on this journey of writing this story. Mia's story wouldn't be complete without you! I love each and every one of you, and I'll see you all next year! Here's to 2021 hopefully being better than 2020 in every possible way!


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 2021 my lovely readers! And happy one-year anniversary to AWWW! I can't believe it's been a year since I started this story on this site. How time flies! 
> 
> Before we get into the chapter, I just want to say thank you to everyone who's read this story! It really means a lot to me - in only a year, this story has grown so much! I'll never be able to repay you guys for making me smile each and every day! I love you all so much, and without further ado, I hope you enjoy the (extremely smutty) 47th chapter! 
> 
> Smut Warnings: dirty talk, rough shower sex, oral sex (female receiving), fingering, vaginal sex, spanking, hair pulling, etc.

|XLVII|

The winter had been considerably tame, compared to the last one. With the change of months came the change in year, and when the warm spring breezes began to blow through the base, the year 848 began.

The change of season brought a new wave of cadets, and our cadets from the previous year—the ones who had survived, anyway—had moved up in the rankings. We had a considerably skilled batch of soldiers among our ranks; it was clear from the first spring expedition we had gone on this year, when we departed from Trost in March.

In fact, they were so impressive with their talents in the field that Levi was considering adding a few of them onto his squad. With only Eld and Gunther at his side, it was only a matter of time before Erwin approached him and asked him about any possible members for the future. I didn’t have to worry about that—my squad was fine on its own. Reggie was shaping up to be a great second-in-command, Gretel and Evan were getting stronger every day, and Murphy was becoming quite the strategist when it came to battle plans and scouting missions.

But we didn’t have much time to rest. There was only a month or so between the expeditions this year. And before we knew it, the 34th Expedition was only a day away.

Lately, I had started spending the last few days before expeditions working on my own training. Once I made sure my squad was all prepped and ready for battle, I focused on my own needs in the field. From dawn to dusk, I ran through the training course in the forest, slicing the rubber napes of wooden Titans until I wore my blades down to the nub. When I was finished, I’d head right back to the supplies room in the castle and replenish my blades and the napes, just to repeat the process all over again.

Three years. Three years since I had been unable to save my brother back in Shiganshina. Four years since I had been unable to save my squad from the jaws of a Titan. Four years since I had stood in horror as my first squad was devoured right in front of me.

I gazed out at the course from my place on the branch, gripping my blades so tight I thought my fingers would burst. I counted each Titan dummy—each rubber nape. One nape sliced equaled one life saved.

One life, at least. There could be more, depending on the situation.

And I wasn’t going to lose a single one.

I shot out my wires and propelled myself forward with a grunt. As I kicked off the tree branch, I felt that familiar surge of power flooding through my veins. A calm sense of happiness washed over me; it had been too long since I felt such a beautiful rush of energy. These past few months had been quiet, almost too quiet for my liking. While I loved the simple pleasures life had to offer, there was no doubt I preferred the rough, unforgiving life outside the Walls. Call me suicidal, but there was something so alluring about fighting for my life out there—about rushing to save my comrades, and the flood of pleasure I felt whenever I saved them from a Titan, or whenever we took them down together. It was a rare feeling for many Scouts, and it only happened every so often, but it could get me drunker than any alcohol within the Walls.

Perhaps that had to do with the ingrained bravery of being a soldier. Either bravery, or just plain stupidity. It was hard to tell at this point.

One by one, the Titan napes began to flutter to the forest floor, their rubber necks shredded through. My cuts were much deeper than they had been a few years ago; while I wouldn’t admit it out loud, I guess I had Levi’s secret training to thank for that.

 _Levi_. I squeezed my blades even tighter. _Make sure you both make it home, just like you always do._

Six more Titans to go. I sank my hooks into the branches above, sliding in the air just above the nearest one. With a slash of my blades, a huge chunk dropped to the ground. At least eleven centimeters deep.

Five more. I took down the next two with ease, in similar fashion. My hands and feet were still pounding, with my heartbeat thrumming in my ears.

Three left, all in a row. _See if you can take them down in one clean sweep._

That little challenge was all it took. I glanced at the tree branches, the dummies, and then my blades. Immediately, a plan formed in my head.

_I’ve got this._

I swung my body around, latching my hooks into the furthest branch, as high as I could. With the extra momentum, I curled myself into the wires and twisted the blade in my right hand, with the sharp edge pointing outward. A scream ripped from my throat as I started to spin myself around, slicing out the first two napes of the Titans.

_Do it now!_

With an extra burst of gas, I pulled myself up and underneath the last wooden Titan’s chin, before coming to a halt right on the rubbery part of its nape. With my hooks firmly embedded in the skin, I slashed my blades through the rubber, tearing out a massive chunk as my vision went red.

It wasn’t until I heard the last nape hit the floor that I started to come down from my high. I was panting hard, the handles of my blades nearly slipping from my sweaty hands. I lifted them up to my face; they were already dull around the edges. It was a miracle that last hit hadn’t shattered them completely.

Well, they were my last pair. And I had run out of napes. Time to replenish and start over.

For some reason, the forest was unusually quiet today. Usually before an expedition, the training course was crowded. Everyone wanted to get a chance to practice right before they went out into the field for real. But now, it was dead silent. Hell, even the birds in the trees weren’t singing like they usually did.

_But why? It’s a perfectly normal day._

I wasn’t about to say the Scouts had _nothing_ to worry about. Only a fool would say something like that. But I had to admit, we were much more prepared than we had been in the past. We had a skilled batch of soldiers this time, and both my squad and Levi’s squad were shaping up to be real fighters. We would only get better as time went on, I was sure of it. And with Erwin’s leadership, I knew we were getting closer and closer from freeing humanity from the Titans’ clutches.

I shrugged my shoulders and slid the blades back into the holsters on my thighs. With the triggers attached to my torso for easy reach, I knelt down on the Titan’s neck and began unscrewing the first of many torn rubber napes. This would take a while.

|~|

To my surprise, the supplies room in the castle was full of soldiers prepping for tomorrow. Checking and rechecking their ODM gear for malfunctions and errors was crucial for tomorrow. We couldn’t afford any mistakes. While some Scouts busied themselves with refilling their gas canisters, others sharpened their blades with whetstone. There were even a few on the floor in the center, poring over a map of the scouting plan for tomorrow. Murphy and Evan were part of that group, along with Eld and Gunther. Gretel and Reggie were nowhere to be found.

_They must be with their horses then._

At their squadmates’ constant pleading, they had agreed to spend more and more time with their steeds in the barn. After dinner, when I left the mess hall to check up on Edel right before bed, I would catch Gretel talking to her mare in her stall, or Reggie riding around the meadow with his gelding. Both of them seemed much more comfortable around their horses than they had been when they were first assigned to them.

I discarded my dull blade scraps in the box in the back before heading to the gas pumps. Two soldiers were already seated there, lost in conversation as they refilled their canisters. I took the pump on the very end of the left side, sliding both canisters from my gear and hooking them up to the pump. Now, all I had to do was wait.

“Are you sure that’s her?”

“Stop it! It’s rude to stare, you know!”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the two soldiers nearby glaring at each other. From the looks of it, they were newly appointed cadets, part of the batch from last spring—one boy and one girl. And neither of them seemed to be too happy with the other.

“What’s the problem?” The boy was talking now, sounding much gruffer than someone his age should. “You were the one who pointed her out!”

“That doesn’t mean you should go on and talk about her behind her back!” That was the girl this time, and even though she was seated, her hands were placed firmly on her hips.

No doubt, they were talking about me—and they weren’t being subtle in the slightest.

I cleared my throat, and both of them stiffened at the sound. The girl swiveled around in her seat to look at me, while the boy merely peeked over the top of her head. I gave them a wave, trying to look as innocent as I could.

“Hello there.”

It wasn’t as though I cared that other soldiers were talking about me; plenty of others had done it before in the past, and in much harsher tones that the ones they had been using. But if they were going to be so loud about it, they might as well share what they had to say with me. 

As the three of us stared at each other, I began to recognize their faces. They were placed in Ness’ squad, and despite being with the Scouts for only a year or so, the two of them had managed to rack up a number of Titan kills and assists. They were among the ones who had stood out the most in the promising group from last year.

The girl was the first to speak, brushing a lock of ginger hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry, captain. We didn’t mean anything by our conversation.” She shot an accusing look at the boy from over her shoulder, but he only shrugged in response. “I apologize on my friend’s behalf, as well.”

 _Petra Ral._ The name finally came to me the moment I saw her amber eyes. I glanced at her friend, and his name flashed in my mind, as well. _Oluo Bozado_. Now I remembered them.

“I don’t mind,” I answered with a smile. “People have said much worse about me, so don’t worry. Whatever you say about me, I guarantee you, I’ve heard it before.”

While Petra still looked doubtful, her companion rolled his eyes, nudging her with his elbow. “See? I told you. She’s probably had _all_ of the Scouts talking about her at one point or another.”

“Oluo!”

“What? I’m just saying, it comes with the job.”

I quirked an eyebrow. While I appreciated his honesty, he sure had an odd way of showcasing it.

But his brash nature didn’t seem to bother the ginger-haired girl one bit. “And what do you think newer cadets will say about _you_ a few years from now, huh? You don’t think they’ll talk about you behind your back? How would you feel about that?”

A cocky smirk made its way onto his face. “Doesn’t bother me one bit, Petra. Especially if _you_ join in on the talking.”

I nearly slapped a hand over my mouth to hold back my laugh. Oh boy… Was he seriously trying to flirt with her? If he was, he was doing a poor job of it. Even Levi was a better flirter than he was, and half the time, he didn’t even know he was doing it.

I glanced at the gas canisters in my hands. Luckily, the little red needle on the dial had reached the end. As carefully as I could, I slipped the hooks off of them and slid them back into the holsters on my thighs. Both Petra and Oluo ignored me, still lost in their own bickering.

_Huh… What an odd pair of cadets._

With a silent nod and wave to Murphy and Evan, I gathered up my things and headed out of the supplies room. I still had to replace the rubber napes for the Titan dummies back in the forest. That would give me a bit of a break before I had to go back to training. Besides, I could use the extra work for my upper body muscles.

“Captain, wait!”

I froze with my hand on the door, my palm pressed against the wood. I glanced over my shoulder to see Petra standing behind me, her cheeks flushed with pink.

“I…I’m sorry if we offended you.” She stared down at the floor, scraping the heels of her boots against the stone. “We shouldn’t have been talking like that to begin with. And Oluo…well, he doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut.”

I blinked at the girl. Well, I admired her bravery. She had guts to come track me down and apologize to my face. I still didn’t think she had done anything wrong, since I wasn’t offended by anything they had said, but it was nice to see her try to own up to it—especially since her friend had done most of the talking in her stead.

“It’s alright, Petra.” Her eyes widened at the use of her first name instead of her last name. “Really, it’s no big deal. You and your friend talking about me is the least of my worries right now.”

Even so, she looked doubtful. “Still… Oluo shouldn’t have said those things. He has a hard time keeping his opinions to himself.”

“Well, most guys do, right?”

That got a laugh out of both of us. As she smiled at me, I could see her shoulders lower slightly, and the muscles in her face relaxed considerably.

“Thank you for understanding, captain.”

“No problem.” I pushed the door open, but I turned to smile at her from over my shoulder. “I hope you _and_ your friend are planning to give your all for tomorrow’s expedition.”

She saluted at once, her fist over her heart. “Yes, ma’am!”

The memory of her sparkling amber eyes lingered in my mind, even as I began to fetch the fresh napes from the storage room.

|~|

“Two soldiers? From last year’s batch?”

Levi nodded, never looking up from the papers in his hands. He was reclining on the couch in my office, while I sat at my desk. For once, he had decided to spend the night in my office instead of dragging me to his own. Not that I would’ve minded to begin with.

“Yes. They’re in Ness’ squad right now, but with the way they work together, they’re much more impressive than the rest of their squadmates.”

“Oh.” I didn’t have to ask who he was referring to, but I did anyway. “Who are they?”

“Oluo Bozado and Petra Ral.” _I knew it._ “Bozado has nearly ten solo kills to his name, and Ral has well over twelve assists so far. They also have naturally suspicious demeanors out in the field. They don’t rush into danger, unlike _someone_ I know,” he added without even looking at me. “Either one of them would be valuable to the Special Operations Squad.”

I thought back to my little meeting with the pair earlier in the day, back in the supplies room. I remembered Oluo’s blunt honesty and Petra’s kind smile. No doubt, if what I had heard from the others was true, they would only strengthen Levi’s squad as a whole. It was easy to see them working with someone as strong as Gunther, or as focused as Eld.

“Then accept them. Once this expedition is over and done with, you should put in a request for them to join.”

This time, Levi tilted his head, eyeing me carefully as he clutched the papers in his hands. He looked like he wanted to say something, but his mouth remained sealed.

 _Once this expedition is over and done with you should request for them to join._ My own words echoed in my mind, and my gut began to churn. Well, _if_ they managed to survive, that is. All soldiers ran the risk of not coming home from an expedition. Petra and Oluo, no matter how skilled they were, were just as much at risk out there as our most inexperienced cadets.

Hell, even Levi and I weren’t off the hook. In the heat of the moment, our skills meant nothing. No matter how hard we trained or how much we prepared for these expeditions, it could all end in the blink of an eye. Any day now, one of us would be coming home without the other. That hadn’t happened yet, thankfully, but I knew better than to say it never would.

I shook my head before returning to the paperwork in front of me. Now wasn’t the time to worry about all of that. I had to focus, so I could be in my best mindset for both my squad and the Survey Corps as a whole tomorrow. I couldn’t afford to have all of these distractions in my head.

_Speaking of distractions…_

I finished the last signature on the form in front of me, before getting up from my seat to stretch out my legs. I had trained in the forest by myself until dinnertime, and afterwards, once I had checked on Edel and made sure he was good to go tomorrow, I headed back to my office, with Levi close behind. Ever since then, I had been fixed to my desk, filling out paper after paper.

I needed a break.

I glanced out at the window behind me, pressing my hand to the cool glass. The base was pitch black, with only the crescent moon illuminating the castle. I could see the stables and barracks from where I was; and if I craned my head, I could see the very edge of the forest, where all of our wooden Titan dummies were stationed.

A few drops of rain splattered on the window pane. I glanced up at the sky. Sure enough, there were a few clouds hovering near the moon, sprinkling the base with a light nighttime drizzle.

Well, at least it was warmer than it had been. It was only April, so rain was to be expected. It would clear up by morning, I was sure of it.

“Get away from there.”

I arched my eyebrow at the man behind me. “Why? What’s wrong?”

“Just do it.” His shoulder were tense, his knuckles almost white against the stack of papers clasped between his palms. “It can start storming at any minute. You don’t want to be so close when it starts to downpour.”

I didn’t think a light drizzle could escalate that quickly. I was about to argue with him, to tell him he was just overacting. It was a simple rainstorm, nothing more and nothing less. He had nothing to worry about. He was just—

I froze. _Rainstorm. Darkness. Sudden downpour_.

The words swirled in my memory, bringing back a pair of long forgotten faces. Of course, he hated the rain. He had lost his two best friends in the rain so many years ago.

So I pursed my lips and moved away from the window. But instead of sitting back down at my desk, I walked over to the couch, resting my elbows on the back of it. Levi sat in front of me, his eyes still fixated on the papers in his hands. But he wasn’t reading them at all.

I swallowed hard before speaking. “You…you don’t like when it rains, do you?”

Silence was my answer. I sighed, pressing a hand to his head and ruffling his black hair.

“I don’t really like it, either. It reminds me—” I cleared my throat, which was starting to burn. “It reminds me of the day my dad died.”

By the Walls, how many years had it been? I had been only nineteen when I stood in my parents’ bedroom back in Shiganshina, along with Leyna and Ben. The three of us watched as my mother whispered soothing words to my father, as his eyes fluttered shut. His chest was still rising and falling, but none of us knew when it would stop. None of us knew how much time we had left with him.

That had been the first major loss for my family. But we had gotten through it together, just like we always had. The Wolf family wasn’t so easily broken.

Now, I wasn’t so sure. There were only two of us left, after all.

I lowered my hands to his shoulders, and I pulled him in for a hug, with my chin against the crook of his neck. He didn’t stiffen or pull away anymore, like he used to. Instead, he leaned into my touch, reaching up and grasping my wrists with his hands. The papers were left forgotten on the coffee table as the two of us held each other, listening to the soft pattering of the rain outside.

“What was he like?”

Levi’s question startled me. “You mean my father?”

He hummed. “Was he…kind? Caring?” He was almost awkward with his suggestions. Why wouldn’t he be? If I had to guess, I’d bet he didn’t have a father figure to look up to in his lifetime. He only had his mother.

I smiled and hugged him closer. If he wanted to ask me about my father, that was fine by me. Anything to get his mind off of the rain outside, and the reason he hated it in the first place.

“Well, he was the best dad anyone could ever have. I know a lot of people say that about their dads, but it’s true. Mine was the best one out there.”

I couldn’t even count the number of arguments Hanji and I had been in over the years, screaming about which of our fathers was the better one. Leyna and Ben actually had to tear us off of each other because we got too invested in our fighting. Of course, we only argued about the silly things in life—that was why we were still best friends to this day.

“I told you he was a Scout, right?” Levi nodded in my arms. “Actually, I think Erwin was a cadet in the Survey Corps when he was still fighting. He was a Squad Leader too, but I didn’t find that out…until I found that little journal of his in this office,” I added a bit sheepishly.

But he already knew how he was as a soldier. I had to tell him how he was as a father, as well.

“He tried to come home as much as he could. Whenever he came home, Ben and Leyna and I were so excited to see him. It was easier for him to visit us during the winter, since they didn’t have to worry about expeditions. But he could get a few days off throughout the summer. They always tried to let the fathers go home to see their families every now and then, depending on their schedule.” I hugged him tighter, my eyes growing warm as I remembered my father’s sweet face. “He would always give us these huge bear hugs whenever he came home. He always smelled like the forest, too.”

 _Kind of like pine, now that I think about it._ I nearly scoffed. As if I was about to tell Levi that.

“He was strong, too. And really tall! I think he had to be close to six feet, and poor Ma was only five foot five, I think. He always used to tease her about it, too. When they were younger, he’d pick her up and swing her around. It always made her laugh.”

I was getting so caught up in my memories that I barely noticed Levi shift in my arms. Soon he was facing sideways, with his shoulder pressed against the couch and his head resting against my cheek. I smiled at the motion. Dad used to do the same thing to Ma when he came home, too. He always liked being wrapped up in her arms. Dad gave the best hugs, but Ma’s came at a close second.

“He would take us into the market when he was home, too. Most of the time it was just me, him, and Ben. Leyna preferred to stay home with Ma—apparently Ben and I were too rowdy whenever we were together.”

Levi stifled a laugh in my arms. “I believe it.”

“Oh, come on! We weren’t _that_ bad.” But the smirk on his face told me he didn’t believe a word I said. “Anyway, Dad used to teach us all kinds of things whenever he was home. He taught us how to wrestle once he found out we wanted to be soldiers, just like him. He would have us practice on him, and he was so supportive, even though we were weak as hell.” I tightened my arms around Levi, pulling him into my chest. “He was also the one who taught us to dance, before he lost his legs.”

Suddenly, a devious idea began to take shape in my mind. Without warning, I pulled myself away and took hold of his wrists, pulling them toward me.

He eyed me cautiously. “What are you doing, brat?”

“Come on, just bear with me.” I walked around the couch and tugged him along, pulling him up to his feet and away from the coffee table. “I want to teach you to dance.”

His eyes flashed. “No way.”

But I held him in place, wrapping my hands around his neck. “Please? Pretty please, with sugar cubes on top?”

He stared at me for a good few moments, his hands still on my hips. I searched his eyes, looking for any sign of actual reluctance. If he didn’t want to do this, I would back off. But it would be a good way for us to bond, to make him forget about the storm outside.

And for me to connect with the father I had lost all those years ago.

Finally, he let out a sigh and brought his hands up to my waist. “Fine, whatever. What do you do first?”

I tried my best to ignore the flare of heat that came to life in my chest. I placed my hands over his own, guiding them over my body. “Put your right hand here,” I moved it to my waist, “and hold my hand with your left one.” I pressed my palm to his, lacing our fingers together. With a rising blush, I placed my left hand on his shoulder, forcing myself to look him in the eye. “Now just follow my lead, okay? And try not to trip over your own feet.”

He stayed silent as I started to lead him through. It was a simple dance, the same one my father had taught me when I first started. I hadn’t performed it in years, but the muscle memory flowed back to me, like I had been doing it all my life. Step here, bow there—all while holding onto Levi, watching as his eyes flickered in the candlelight.

He glanced down at the floor, and that’s when I felt it—a sharp jab to the top of my boot. I hissed in pain, shooting him a playful glare.

“Hey, I said don’t trip over your feet, but that doesn’t mean you can step on mine!”

His face was scrunched up as he met my eyes again. “Be patient. I haven’t done this before.” For some reason, he almost seemed embarrassed at the fact.

I softened my glare and pulled him close, wrapping my arm around the back of his neck. “It’s alright. I used to step on Dad all the time, when he first started teaching me. You don’t have to look down—that just makes you nervous and screws you up in the long run. Don’t let yourself think about it. Just…do what feels right for you.”

It was hard to explain. I could only tell him so much; he had to be the one to experience it for himself. If you didn’t do it for yourself, you would never be able to figure it out.

The two of us began moving again, at the same slow pace I had started us with. Eventually, I pulled away and held his arm up, twirling myself beneath our clasped hands. I felt his eyes on me with every move, even more so when I spun myself back into his arms.

Now his chest was pressed against my back, with our hands tangled together at my torso. He nuzzled his face in my neck, tugging down the collar of my green shirt and pressing a soft kiss to the skin below. I stifled a laugh; all of a sudden, he didn’t seem that interested in learning to dance.

But it had been fun while it lasted. Besides, maybe tomorrow night I could get him to do a little bit more with me.

I leaned into his touch, wrapping an arm around his head and tangling it in his hair. My eyes dropped to the coffee table below, where the stack of paperwork still rested. Nestled beneath the papers were a few leather folders, and buried between them was—

“Levi, what’s this?”

He stiffened at the question. “What?”

I pointed to the folders. “In there… Is that a book?”

I turned to look at him, trying my best to look all innocent and cute. He quirked an eyebrow, eyeing me carefully with his hands around my waist. Finally, he shook his head and loosened his arms.

“Go ahead, take a look.”

I didn’t waste a moment. I slid the folders off to the side and picked up the object in question. Indeed, it was a little black book—not as small as my father’s journal, but not as big as some of the books Hanji and I used to read as cadets. In fact, it looked like one of Moblit’s sketchbooks, the kind he always carried around whenever he and Hanji were busy in her lab.

My heart leapt in my throat. Was this what I think it was? I picked it up with shaky fingers. Levi didn’t try to stop me, so I opened it up and flipped through the pages.

Little sketches dotted the pages, ranging in all shapes and sizes. The first few pages of the book seemed to be practice drawings—of eyes, noses, bangs, freckles, hands, and even a few small birds and mice. The next page had a rough sketch of a trio of horses grazing in the meadow behind the stables, their tails swishing off the page. Each sketch, no matter how rough, was beautiful, detailed, and simply screamed _Levi_.

I glanced up at him, just in time to spot the tint of a blush splashing across his features. “These are gorgeous, Levi!” I flopped down on the couch with the book, and he was quick to follow, curling his arm around the back of the couch behind me. “Really, they’re so… _lifelike_.”

He snorted, but the smile was evident on his face. “It’s just something to keep my hands busy.”

I flipped the page again. This time, there was a drawing of Mischa and Edel. Huh, apparently Levi really enjoyed drawing horses.

“…Who taught you how to do this?” With his lackluster skills in writing when I had first met him, I wouldn’t have thought he could draw something as elegant and elaborate as this. Then again, I had learned years ago not to underestimate the man sitting at my side.

He leaned in closer, his shoulder brushing mine. “Furlan helped me in the beginning. Said I was better at sketching than I was at writing. I gave up after a while…” He cleared his throat at that. “But then Moblit found this in my office almost a year ago. He managed to talk me into doing it again.”

I winced internally at the mention of his deceased friends, but he didn’t seem that affected now. Perhaps it didn’t upset him as much anymore. Or maybe he had just gotten better at masking his emotions.

And sure enough, as if it was a blessing or a curse, there were two familiar faces on the next page. Furlan’s sandy hair was shaded in, with a soft smile splayed across his face. Isabel, however, looked just as mischievous and rambunctious as I remembered. Her green eyes were bright and shining through the black ink on the page.

I slid a finger down the page, tracing over the necklace resting against her throat. By the Walls, I barely even knew her, and I still missed her so much.

Levi hummed softly from beside me. I took the hint and flipped the page almost eagerly. Thankfully, the next page was much more lighthearted: a sketch of Hanji, with her chin resting on her hand as she stood in her lab, seemingly lost in thought.

“Aw, she would be honored,” I teased him, nudging him with my elbow. But I didn’t plan on telling her about this. This was our secret, kept just between me and Levi. No one else had to know about his little hobby, not if he didn’t want them to know.

He rolled his eyes before snatching the book off my lap. He closed it and placed it back on the coffee table, right on top of the paperwork. But before I could protest, he brought his arms around my waist and pulled me closer, planting me right on his lap.

“Enough with that shitty book. Looking at it just makes me want to burn it.”

“No, never!” But I could tell he was joking. “I’ll hide it from you before you can do that. It’s beautiful, Levi. Don’t you _ever_ get rid of that, alright?”

He didn’t respond with words. Instead, he curled his hand behind my head and pressed down hard, pushing my lips onto his. I didn’t hesitate to melt into him, bringing my arms around his neck and pressing myself closer to his chest. The kiss was slow and sweet, just how I liked it.

“If you say so,” he finally mumbled against my mouth. But then he went right back to kissing me, his tongue tracing the edges of my lips.

I drew him in closer, grasping at his shoulders and leaning into his chest. Eventually, he tilted his body to the side, sprawling out on the couch with me on top of him. I cradled his head with one hand, while I slid my other one further down his body.

It never took long for our kisses to become something more. That was probably the best—and maybe the most pathetic part—about our relationship: we were always pouncing on each other, always eager to take it to the next level. But maybe that was a good thing. At least now we didn’t have to tiptoe around each other.

My hand found its way between his thighs, and he gasped into my mouth. He was already hard, straining against the fabric of his pants. I curled my fingers around him, groping and grasping at him as hard as I could. He moaned into my mouth, tugging at my hair with his fingers.

It was tempting, not to strip him down and take him right there on that couch. It wouldn’t be the first time we had soiled this couch—I still remembered the first time I had sucked him off in this room, right after our first little tryst in his office. And since then, the two of us were no strangers to having sex on the couch. It was a nice change of pace when neither of us were ready to go to bed just yet.

But if there was one thing I loved about my relationship with Levi, it was the fact I could rile him up so easily. And there was _nothing_ he could do to stop me.

Just as he began to buck his hips into my hand, I pulled myself away and stood back up. It was hard not to laugh at the sight of him, his face flushed and his hair all mussed up from the couch. He stared at me with wide gray eyes as I walked around the couch and back toward my bedroom.

“Sorry, I have to shower. Don’t want to wait too long, you know?”

I closed the door behind me before he could respond. As quickly as I could, I stripped out of my uniform and headed for the bathroom. I was curious to see what he would do. Sometimes he joined me in the shower to help me clean off. Other times, he would wait for me outside, silently plotting his revenge.

I wondered what he would do tonight.

Once the water was warm, I stepped beneath the spray and began to rinse my hair. But I only got so far before I heard the door open quietly. The curtain slid back as my fingers brushed the bar of soap on the shelf.

 _Oh._ Looked like Levi had made his decision.

He was on me at once, pulling me back into his chest and pressing hot kisses down the side of my neck. I craned into his body, savoring the warm spray of water cascading down our bodies. I was impressed with how quickly he managed to undress himself. He must have started the moment I left the office.

“Little fucking minx,” he growled in my ear, groping my breast rather harshly. “Think you can get me all hard and then leave just like that?”

 _Well, yeah_ , I wanted to reply. But I didn’t know what would happen if I did. It didn’t seem wise to test him right now. He seemed to be in one of his possessive moods—maybe that just had to do with the expedition tomorrow.

Before I could even blink, my back was pressed against the wall, right behind the showerhead. Flecks of water sprayed onto my face as the steam clouded around us. A familiar body pressed into my right side, and a hot, insistent hand slithered down between my thighs.

“Tch, already wet for me, aren’t you?” Levi nipped at my earlobe as he rubbed his fingers against my soaked slit. With a whine, I spread my legs just a bit further, to give him easy access. “Of course you are. You’re always so fucking eager for my cock, aren’t you?”

Maybe it was the change in setting that did it for me, or maybe it was the close proximity beneath the water. Whatever it was, he struck me as even more alluring than usual. His voice was deep and sexy, his dirty words spilling into my ear beneath the spray of the shower. My cheeks bloomed with heat as he slid his fingers along my folds, gathering some of my wetness and bringing it up to his face.

I swallowed hard as he licked his fingers clean, sucking them into his mouth to catch every last drop. It wasn’t long before they returned to my slit, the rough pads of his fingers dancing along my skin. I tilted my head against the shower wall, my mouth falling open at his touch.

“What do you want, sweetheart?” _Fuck_ , he always knew how to get me all riled up. “You want me to fill you up? Want me to make you come over and over again?”

 _Holy shit, his voice sounds so sexy right now._ I bit back a groan and nodded my head. “Yes…”

“You want my mouth? Or my fingers? Your choice, sweetheart.”

My eyes nearly rolled into the back of my skull. “B-both.”

He scoffed at my answer. “Eager little brat, aren’t you?”

He slid two fingers into me without warning, curling them up and into my heat. I slapped a hand over my mouth, a desperate attempt to keep quiet. But he pulled it away at once, pinning it above my head before staring into my eyes.

“No. I want to hear you—every little sound you make. Don’t you _dare_ hold back on me, understand?”

My legs trembled beneath his heated gaze. “Y-yes, sir…”

“Good girl. Now stay still and let your captain have a taste.”

If it weren’t for his hands on my waist holding me up, I would have fallen to my knees right there in the shower. I kept my hands splayed against the shower wall, trying my hardest not to cover my mouth. No matter how difficult it was, I would obey his command.

He lowered himself to his knees, still keeping his fingers inside of me. With his other hand, he grabbed my thigh and hiked it up and over his shoulder, spreading them further apart. He glanced up at me, a smirk tugging at his lips, before blowing a gentle puff of air on my swollen clit.

“Levi.” His name flew from my lips like a prayer. “Levi—fuck, please…” I gasped as he curled his fingers deeper into me, drawing out a whine from my throat. “Please! Captain, I _need_ it—”

He lowered his mouth to my clit and started to suck. My hands slammed against the wall as another sob tore from my throat. Water droplets continued to fall down my body, sliding down between my breasts and onto my stomach.

This was nothing new between us—he had gone down on me plenty of times in the past year now—but this was the first time in such a suggestive location. Who knew having sex in the shower could be so intoxicating?

I moaned again, lifting my hand up and burying it in his damp black tresses. My cheeks flared with heat as he glanced up at me, still knuckle-deep inside me with his lips locked around my clit. He knew just how to stretch me out, to prepare me for his cock. Just thinking about it made me clench around his fingers, earning a rather sultry groan from his chest.

The coil in my stomach was winding up, tighter and tighter with each thrust. I grasped at his hair, sobbing his name into the steam of the shower. He flicked his tongue over that sensitive bundle of nerves just the way I liked it, and my other hand flew out to the side, desperate to grab onto something and just fucking _pull_.

_Clang!_

My eyes flew open at the sound. The shower curtain was wrapped around my hand, tattered with a huge tear in the fabric. I glanced up at the bar above just as a gust of cool air flooded the shower stall. In the midst of my lust, I had torn it right off the fucking rings.

 _Well, fuck me._ Talk about a mood killer, huh?

Levi leaned away from my clit, licking his lips before glancing up at me. He was trying so hard to keep his smirk under control, but he was failing miserably. “You don’t know your own strength by now, Wolf?”

“Shut up! I didn’t mean to do it!”

I threw the shower curtain to the side, out of the stall and onto the floor. I would deal with it later. Right now I had to finish cleaning up and get out of here.

But just as I moved to leave, a pair of calloused hands dug into my hips, pinning me back to the shower wall. Levi inched closer to my throbbing clit, his dark eyes burning with mischief.

“I’m not done with you just yet, sweetheart.”

He was sucking on my clit before I could speak; instead of actual words, incomprehensible phrases and pleas spewed from my mouth. I grasped at his hair instead, yanking hard and pressing him close. I didn’t trust myself not to break anything else.

I sobbed out his name as I tumbled over the edge, sinking my nails into his scalp as I rode out my high. Little trails of slick dribbled down from my core, soaking his fingers and the insides of my thighs. He spread my folds apart with his thumbs before diving in and lapping up the remains of my release. If I hadn’t been wet before, I was completely drenched now. Luckily, that only seemed to spur him on.

He was on his feet in a flash, his hands scraping against my hips. “Turn around.”

I obeyed, just like a good little soldier. I squeaked as he brought his hand down on my ass—a firm sign that _he_ was the one in charge.

“Good girl.”

I felt him position himself behind me, one hand on my hip and the other on his cock. My chest was pressed against the cool shower wall, sending shivers along my skin. It gave me a thrill, not being able to see him or what he was doing. I guess it made sense, though. We couldn’t exactly have sex any other way in here. It would have to be this position—and for our first time at least, I didn’t think Levi was willing to get creative.

Maybe someday down the line we would.

I jumped as he pressed the tip of his cock against my folds, his hot breath ghosting over the shell of my ear. He sank himself into my heat, and the two of us moaned at the familiar sensation. Almost at once, I felt myself relax beneath his touch. He always knew how to handle me, how to tame me and bend me to his will. That was one of the reasons I loved him so much.

He shuddered against me as he bottomed out inside me, pressing his chest against my back. My whole body was trembling, trapped between him and the shower wall. I sucked in a sharp breath as the steam from the shower swirled around our bodies.

“C-captain…”

His mouth was pressed against the shell of my ear. “What is it, sweetheart? You want me to start moving?”

A pitiful sound left my lips— _holy fucking shit, did I just mewl?_ “Yes!” I was begging for it at this point, desperate for his touch. Desperate for even _more_ of him.

Thankfully, he was no longer in a teasing mood. He complied with my wishes, grasping my hips with both hands before thrusting himself into me.

I leaned my head on the cool shower wall, squeezing my eyes shut. It all felt so fucking good, I could never get enough of him. No matter how many times we had done this, he still had the same mesmerizing effect on me.

His hand fisted itself in my damp hair, tugging my head back and away from the wall. There was a sudden flash of movement out of the corner of my eye. With a moan, I glanced over to the side, and my clit throbbed painfully as I saw our reflections in the mirror above the sink, slick with water and sweat as he took me from behind.

Small grunts flew from Levi’s parted lips as he snapped his hips into me, yanking hard on my hair. Every thrust brought a bolt of pleasure straight to my core, spreading throughout my whole body. My arms began to tremble on the slick wall from the weight of my body. If he continued like this, I wouldn’t have the strength to hold myself up.

Levi’s voice was in my ear again, low and gravelly and laced with lust. “I said I wanted to hear you, brat. Why are you being so quiet?”

I blinked the water out of my eyes. “W-what—?”

He raised his hand again, delivering another harsh smack to my ass. I squealed, more out of shock than pain, before pushing my hips back into his.

“Don’t hold back. I want to hear you _scream_.”

So I did. I obeyed my captain after all, didn’t I?

I was already sensitive from my previous orgasm, so it didn’t take long at all. The coil wound up in my gut, twisting and turning around itself with every thrust. I sobbed out his name, water droplets spraying down my face and neck. His hands dug into my sides so hard I knew I would wake up with bruises tomorrow.

Suddenly, he took hold of the back of my neck, his fingers twisting into my hair. He peeled me from the shower wall and into his chest, sliding his face in between my neck and shoulder. His other hand reached around to touch my clit, his fingers rough and demanding against the sensitive nub.

“Mia,” he growled against my jaw, “I want you to come on my cock.”

My eyes squeezed shut. He moved his fingers faster around my clit. I was dangling over the edge, dangerously close to falling. I couldn’t hold on for much longer.

His breath was warm against my ear: _“Come for me.”_

Yet another one of his commands, and I obeyed him all the same.

I fell apart in his arms, screaming until my throat was raw. My knees buckled beneath me, but he held me up with his hands on my waist. He gave a few more thrusts into me, chasing his own release, with his fingers lingering at my clit. Tears pricked my eyes at the pressure, but I made no move to bat his hand away.

He stiffened behind me. He was close—I knew the signs by now. He was getting ready to pull out, just as he always did.

With the last of my strength, I reached around to his head, grabbing a fistful of his midnight tresses. “No,” I mumbled, “in-inside. _Inside_.”

He came a moment later, his cock twitching violently. His seed splashed against my inner walls, leaving me feeling hot and sticky all around. But it was just another part of him, which only made me love him even more.

He pulled away a few seconds later, carefully tangling his hands from my hair. When I turned to look at him, I saw that his dark gray eyes were wide.

“You got your shot?”

I gave him a nod. “Last week. Lina said it only takes about six or seven days to go through. We’re good.”

“For another three months,” he added with a roll of his eyes.

“Hey, it’s either the shot or the condom. Do you _want_ to go back to using the condom?”

“Fuck no.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the look on his face. We had tried using condoms before, when Levi suggested them, but they turned out to be a failure. They did the trick, but they were uncomfortable for both of us. It was just easier to get a simple shot in my arm every few months, and the two of us could have as much fun as we wanted.

He slid out of me as carefully as he could, still keeping his arms around me. I pulled him in for a kiss, holding his head in place beneath the water spray. When we broke apart, he glanced to the side of the stall. I followed his gaze, grimacing at the torn shower curtain on the floor.

“I’ll fix it tomorrow. I don’t want to deal with it right now.”

He hummed before pulling me back underneath the showerhead, reaching around to grab the bar of soap resting on the shelf behind me. Without another word, he lathered the soap in his hands and began to wash me, starting from my shoulders.

I wanted to argue with him, to tell him he didn’t need to spoil me like this. But the words died in my mouth the moment his skin touched mine, warm and comforting beneath the hot spray of the shower.

“Was it too much?”

I shook my head. “No, not at all.” He always had to ask this whenever he was rougher than usual, and I always gave him the same answer. It was getting old at this point, but it was still sweet nonetheless.

The two of us were washed and rinsed within a few minutes, and once I flicked the water off, Levi handed me one of the towels resting on the counter. I stepped out of the shower, careful not to trip over the torn curtain, with Levi at my heels. When I stepped back into the bedroom, I was pleased to find his uniform strewn along the floor. He must have been in a rush to join me.

I dressed in my usual sleep shirt with a pair of shorts before heading back to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and ran a comb through my hair. It was shorter now—I had chopped off a few inches a couple weeks ago, so the ends barely brushed the tips of my shoulders. I always hated going into warmer weather with so much hair on my head.

Once my hair was blotted and my teeth were clean, I hung up the towel and headed back into the bedroom. Levi was perched on the edge of the bed, dressed in a pale gray shirt and a pair of dark sweatpants. His uniform was no longer on the floor; when I glanced to the side, I could spot the cuff of his jacket sleeve poking out from the basket of laundry beside the door.

The two of us did our usual nightly routine in silence. As he headed into the bathroom, I went back to my office to dim the lights. The door was locked, the curtains were closed, and the paperwork was filed. I was all set for tomorrow morning.

I carried the candle from my desk back to my bedroom and set it on my nightstand. As I laid out a fresh change of clothes for the expedition tomorrow, Levi stepped out of the bathroom, running a hand through his damp black locks.

I wasted no time in crawling beneath the covers and holding my arms out to him. “Come cuddle?”

He rolled his eyes, but he didn’t object. As he slipped in between the sheets, I blew out the candle, and the room was engulfed in darkness. Levi slid his arm around me, and I snuggled my face into the crook of his neck, resting my arm across his chest. Neither of us said a word; we just stayed there in the darkness, listening to the steady rain beat against the windows.

A few minutes passed, with the two of us laying there in silence. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but even with his warm arm around me and his heart beating against my palm, I couldn’t fall asleep. Even as I tried to focus on the sound of his soft breathing, sleep wouldn’t come.

Eventually, I let out a heavy sigh and shifted myself onto my back. I stared up at the ceiling, resting a hand on my forehead. It wasn’t long before Levi turned as well, his eyes burning into my body.

“You should be asleep by now.”

“I know, but I can’t.” I sighed again before turning back on my side. Now the two of us were staring at each other, with our hands clasped together on the mattress between us. “I don’t know why, I just can’t.”

“You’re not trying hard enough, that’s why.”

I scoffed. “Oh, that’s rich coming from _you_ , Mr. I-Don’t-Need-Much-Sleep-To-Begin-With.” I still remembered the exact words he had said to me when I had confronted him about his light sleeping habits. He had no leg to stand on when it came to criticizing my own sleep schedule.

He pursed his lips, trailing a finger down my jawline. It was rare of him to look so relaxed. His eyes were soft, the shadow of blue shining around his pupils even in the darkness, and his black bangs were strewn across his forehead, brushing against the pillow. For once, he actually looked at peace with the world.

 _Is it because of me?_ I blushed at the thought. _Do I have some kind of impact on him? Or is it because he’s worn out from the sex?_

Whatever it was, I was happy for him. He deserved to relax once in a while; he always worked so damn hard, never taking some time for himself. It was nice to see him at ease for a change.

“Just close your eyes and go to sleep.”

“You think I haven’t been trying?” I stuck out my bottom lip before rolling over on my other side, turning my back to him and hiking the sheets up to my chin. “Gee, thanks for your help.”

He grumbled something under his breath, his voice too soft for me to catch. It wasn’t long before I felt his arm come around my waist, tugging me back into his warm, rigid chest. He brushed his nose against my nape before planting a light kiss on it.

“Then what do you want me to do, huh? What will get you to fall asleep? Because you need it. I’m not going to watch you fall asleep on your damn horse tomorrow.”

That got a laugh out of me. “I don’t know… I’ll think of something.”

To be honest, neither of us had been in this kind of situation before. Once we were tucked in for the night, it was easy for us to fall asleep—well, for me, that is. I was certain Levi still had trouble sleeping sometimes, even when I was out cold beside him. But we were usually drained at the end of the day, especially if we had sex earlier in the day. Sometimes, depending on how rough our session was, it was enough to knock Levi out before me. Those were the nights I loved the most, when I could admire his beautiful sleeping face.

Another few minutes passed in silence. It was still raining outside, a bit harder than it had been earlier in the night. I stared out into the darkness of the bedroom, savoring Levi’s warmth against my back.

“Hey, Levi?”

“What is it?”

I swallowed hard. “If you didn’t have to worry about the Titans anymore…” Immediately, I felt his hand tighten around my waist. “…What would you want to do?”

“Doesn’t matter,” he replied in a gruff voice.

“No, not really,” I admitted, “but what if? What would you be doing right now, if they didn’t exist? Or what would you want to do, once we wipe them out?”

It was a strange question to ask, especially to someone so invested in fighting for survival as Levi was. We were both soldiers, but at the end of the day, he had endured a much harsher life than I had. Maybe he never had the time to think about what he would do with his life if he never had to worry about dying every day.

Still, I was eager to hear his answer. And eventually, after a few more seconds of silence, he gave me one.

“A tea shop.”

I glanced at him from over my shoulder. “You’d want to open up a tea shop?” When he nodded, my heart nearly burst from my chest. “That sounds so nice…”

Of course, it would have to do with his everlasting love for tea. The thought was sweet and innocent, seemingly not Levi at all, but it made sense. For a moment, I imagined the two of us a few years in the future, opening a little tea shop within the newly reclaimed territory of Wall Maria. The thought nearly made me laugh out loud with joy.

“I always wanted a huge family,” I said, turning away from him. “If I wasn’t a soldier, I’d probably have kids by now. I always wanted to have them when I was little.”

His fingers danced along the hem of my shirt, sliding it up and exposing the skin of my stomach. “How many?”

 _Why does he want to know?_ “Ah, I don’t know… Seven or eight?”

He sputtered behind me, groaning into my hair. With a laugh, I shifted myself onto my back, and he glared down at me as he held himself up with his elbow. The look on his face was absolutely _priceless_.

“You trying to kill me or something, brat? At least let a man rest before you go dumping that shit on him.”

 _Oh_. _That_ was where he was going with this, huh? I gave him a smile as I brushed his bangs out of his eyes.

“What, you think _you’re_ going to be their father?”

I didn’t mean anything by it when I said it. I knew how far out of reach that dream was for me. With the way things were going, I would be lucky if I ever got to reach my thirtieth birthday. Having children was a nice thought, something to cling to whenever times seemed tough, but there was never any weight to it. My time for having kids had passed, and as much as it hurt me to say that, it was something I just had to accept.

That’s why I was so stunned when Levi stared at me, his eyes burning into my own. Silently, he sought out my wrists and pinned them to the mattress, holding me in place as he hovered over me. A blush rose to my cheeks as he lowered his face, brushing his lips against mine in a sweet and tender kiss.

“You really think I’m about to let another man put his hands on you? You’re _mine_ , sweetheart. No one else’s. You understand?”

My mouth fell open as I finally understood what he was getting at. He wasn’t focusing on the kid aspect—he was focusing on the _father_ part. True to his possessive mood from earlier, he was asserting his claim over me, as well as confirming his jealousy over any other man that happened to catch my interest.

But as much as the thought amused me, I knew there was truth to it. He was the only one who knew what I was like and how I really was. He knew my darkest secrets and the things that kept me up at night. Earlier tonight it had been _his_ fingers, _his_ tongue, _his_ cock that had made me feel good, that had made me feel more beautiful than I ever had before. He knew how to kiss me, more than any other man would be able to do. Whether I liked it or not, I was his, just as much as he was mine.

“I know.” I leaned up and kissed him again. “I’m yours. And you’re mine.”

While he released my hands after that, he still kept his arms around me. I shifted back onto my side as he curled his arms around my waist, his chest pressed against my back once more. But this time, he slid his hand up my shirt and cupped his hand around my left breast.

It took me a moment to realize he was listening to my heartbeat.

With tears in my eyes, I placed my hand over his and squeezed. Finally, my eyes began to flutter shut, and I began to lose myself in the sounds of his breathing and the soft rain pattering against the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last "soft" chapter, for a while anyway. The next one is a bit more hard-hitting, which is why I'm reluctant to share it with you, but oh well. What is AoT and AWWW without angst? 
> 
> A few things: after a whole year of writing (lol) Petra and Oluo finally make their appearance! I'm still getting a hang of their characters, so I apologize if they seem a little OOC in the beginning. I want to do them both justice, so I have to familiarize myself with them a bit more before I really get into writing for them. (Especially Petra, since I don't want her and Mia to have a stereotypical jealous relationship.) Secondly, I really enjoyed writing Mia and Levi's bonding moments in her office. I've wanted Mia to start teaching him how to dance ever since I started planning this story, and I wanted to incorporate it into Ch. 45 in some way, but I wasn't able to. I like how she associates it with her father, and she's able to get Levi to join her in it, even if it's just for a little while. And then her comment at the very end about having kids in the future - only time will tell, right Mia? 
> 
> And finally - HOW AMAZING IS SEASON 4 SO FAR?! I have to admit, I was a little nervous about MAPPA taking over the series, but they've done such wonderful work on it so far! Levi probably looks his best in this season (sorry Sn. 3 Levi), and knowing where the manga leads up to, I can't wait for the rest of the season! How do you guys feel about it so far? Are you excited for the rest of it? Feel free to let me know! 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think - you know how much I love hearing from you! Also, I have a Twitter, under the name [Starstruck_KS](https://twitter.com/starstruck_ks)  
> as well as a Curious Cat under [Starstruck_KS](https://curiouscat.me/Starstruck_KS). And of course, you can always find me on Tumblr @[StarstruckKittenSweets](http://starstruckkittensweets.tumblr.com/)  
> for more of my writing, including some Levi/Reader fics and other side stories that come to mind. Feel free to stop by and follow me, or send me a question, or simply drop by and say hi! 
> 
> Again, thank you so much for reading and sticking by me this past year, and I hope to see you for the next chapter! (Which will be released in exactly one week from today - so stay tuned!)


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here is the next chapter! I'll save all of my notes for the end, since I don't want to spoil anything!

|XLVIII|

The rain had cleared up by the time the Scouts made it to Trost District the next morning. Grass blades stuck to our boots and the wheels of the wagon; Edel snorted uncomfortably as flecks of mud splashed across his hooves. I leaned down to stroke his neck, whispering soft words into his ear. The ground would dry up soon, I was sure of it.

When we reached the outer gates of Trost, we took our usual formation, with Erwin at the front, followed by Mike’s squad and Hanji’s squad. Levi and I were right behind them, with our squads directly behind us. Out of the corner of my eye, a few soldiers away, I could see Petra and Oluo shifting on their horses.

_Make it back, guys. Levi has a place for you both on his squad, I’m sure of it._

I glanced back at my own cadets—well, with the exception of Murphy, they were far from being considered cadets at this point. Reggie was nineteen now, and the Vice Captain of the squad, with an air of authority around him. His eyes had darkened over the years, but he still treated his comrades with love and warmth—although, he was a bit more protective than he used to be. Gretel and Evan were eighteen, and still constantly at each other’s throats. They were still in a relationship, and it was obvious they cared about each other. They just...had an odd way of showing it.

Well, I guess it was different with all couples. I knew for certain Levi and I were not the standard flowery couple. Then again, which couple in the Survey Corps really was?

And last but not least, there was little Murphy, who had just turned sixteen this past month. He was well on his way to becoming a great strategist in the branch. In fact, he often rivaled Evan in terms of sheer intelligence.

And why not say it? With his reddish-brown hair and light eyes, he reminded me of Ben.

 _Another day, another expedition._ I turned back to the front of the formation, my heart hammering in my chest. _Just one more. Make sure you all come back alive._

There was a harsh rumbling at the head of the formation. The gates were opening. Even from this far away, I could hear Erwin’s voice, ringing loud and clear across the soldiers.

“The 34th Expedition is about to commence!” The familiar chant sent shivers down my spine. “Together we give our hearts, and show the Titans the wrath of humanity! Are you with me?!”

Each and every soldier cheered, some of them raising their fists, others raising their blades. I raised my own fist before slamming it onto my chest, pressing it against my heart as hard as I could.

“Then move out!”

His white horse let out a startling neigh before rushing through the opened gate. Mike and Hanji followed quickly, and once their squads were on the move, I took the reins and dug my heels into Edel’s sides. He lunged forward and began to run, with Mischa and the other horses on his tail. Shadows cloaked us as we passed through the gate, and a moment later, the warm morning sunshine spilled across our bodies.

I breathed in the fresh air, finally happy to be free of those Walls. It had been too long since our last expedition—at least in my mind. Every time I stepped beyond the gates, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I was never meant to be cooped up in a cage for all my life.

_Humanity was never meant to, either._

With that thought in my head, I tightened my grip on the reins and urged Edel to move faster. He happily obliged, snorting and tossing his head back.

The air was tinted with the smell of rain, fresh and sweet and reminding me of home. For a brief moment, I thought about my old home in Shiganshina, and how Leyna and Ben and I would chase each other through the rain, splashing at each other in the pools, until either Ma or Dad scolded us from the window and urged us inside. We were always soaked to the bone, and we often came down with a chill for the next few days, but it was worth it. We all had so much fun and never regretted it one bit.

“Spread out!” Erwin’s voice rang out. “Get into formation!”

The soldiers obeyed without a word. With a farewell nod to Levi, I pushed Edel toward the right of the formation, right behind Hanji’s squad.

I didn’t like leaving him behind, but I wasn’t about to disobey Erwin’s orders. So I gave him a smile and tightened my heels against Edel’s sides, directing him in the opposite direction of my boyfriend and his squad.

“Keep your eyes peeled,” I shouted to my squad. “A Titan can show up at any moment. Gretel, make sure you’ve got your flares ready.”

She gave me a nod. “Yes, ma’am!”

Reggie pulled his horse up beside me, his face set in a glare. “How long will it take us to get to the town?”

“Not too long. We follow the river until we’re on the outskirts of Shiganshina. Then it’s right across the forest with giant trees.”

His eyes widened. “You mean that old tourist attraction that used to be popular back in the day? My parents used to take me to it when I was little...”

“Precisely. But we won’t be going into the forest, so don’t get your hopes up.”

To be honest, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with heading so close to the forest. While it provided great cover from enemies, and it was a great environment for ODM gear use, it was so dark and cramped in there. We wouldn’t be able to see a Titan until it was right on top of us.

Then again, we wouldn’t be going into the forest. The river would be between us, and as far as I knew, Titans couldn’t wade through water. A comforting thought, I suppose.

“Titans approaching!”

Hanji’s voice flooded my ears. I jerked my head to the side, just in time to see a Titan lumbering towards us. With a gaping maw and huge eyes, it had to be close to seven meters. And at its side was a three-meter Titan, skittering past it and heading right for us. It was little, but sometimes those were the ones that posed the most of a threat. Those were the ones that could lunge for you from a few feet away, their teeth open and their tongues lolling out.

A terrifying sight, one I only ever saw in my dreams.

Up ahead, Moblit shot out a red flare. I glanced over at Gretel, who was already scrambling to load her flare gun with the red signal. With a huff, I slid my blades from my holsters and kicked my feet from my stirrups.

“Hertz, you’re up. Mayer, you have command. Let's go!”

Reggie didn’t hesitate to follow me toward the Titans. Together, the two of us knelt up on our horses and angled our blades out. The smaller Titan was rushing toward us at a rapid speed. Obviously the first one we had to take out.

“I'll distract it. You take out the nape!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

I shot my wires out, one into the Titan’s head and one into the ground, and propelling myself up and out of the saddle. I flew towards it, soaring right in front of the Titan’s eyes. Just as I planned, the Titan locked its huge childlike eyes on me, completely forgetting about the three other soldiers behind us.

Suddenly, Reggie flew in from above, slicing out a chunk of the Titan’s nape. The Titan fell to the ground, right on its face. With a nod to my Vice Captain, the two of us headed straight for the next opponent.

This one put up more of a fight than its buddy. It swung its meaty hand at Reggie, who barely dodged it just in time. I lodged one of my hooks into its nape, swinging myself up and around its head. With a burst of gas, I brought myself down on its neck and tore out its nape. The Titan tumbled down to its knees, and I leapt down from its neck as it hit the ground with a thud.

“Nice work,” I called to him. “Regroup with the rest and take command. I'll catch up to you in a bit!”

Reggie climbed back on his horse, but I could see the reluctance in his eyes. My stomach churned. No doubt he was remembering the last time he left me alone, during that cursed winter expedition a year ago.

“I’m just going to meet up with Hanji. I'll fall back once we’re done. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am.” He nodded before kicking his horse into gear and rushing to join the rest of the squad.

I slid my blades back into their holsters and mounted Edel again. At once, he began to pick up the pace and head for Hanji’s group. She was heading straight ahead, with Moblit right at her side. The rest of her squad was gathered around her; one of her soldiers, Abel I think, gave me a nod as I passed him by.

“There might be more,” I told her, tightening my hold on the reins. “You want me and my squad to scout ahead, see if any are coming up?”

She pursed her lips before responding, “No, just stay close behind. We should keep the formation for as long as we can. Just make sure you’re ready.”

“Of course.”

I slowed Edel down just a bit, allowing Hanji’s squad to pass me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Reggie leading the rest of our squad further up the formation. I jerked on the reins, directing Edel back towards the group.

“We’ll stay back for now,” I told them, motioning up ahead. “Squad Leader Hanji will be on lookout. We'll stay here in case there are more.”

“There might be, though,” Evan piped up. “Wouldn’t it make more sense to be up ahead, so we can stop them before they get too far in?”

 _You would think,_ I thought to myself. But I didn’t question orders from Hanji, much less Commander Erwin. “Maybe, but we’ll keep the formation. It's up to us to maintain it for as long as possible. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the chorus of voices came.

For the next few minutes, the area remained clear of Titans. But I kept my eyes peeled, in search of any random stragglers that dared to venture out into the clearing.

_So far, so good. Now let’s keep it that way._

I glanced further up the formation. Hanji was still ahead of us, leading the rest of her squad. We were heading southeast of Wall Rose, following the river on our right. The giant forest still remained out of sight.

 _It'll be a while before we reach it._ That gave me some relief, but I was still nervous. _I'd rather we didn’t go near it at all, but whatever._ It wasn’t my place to judge where we should go in this expedition.

“Nothing yet?”

I shook my head at Reggie. “No. But stay on your toes. Who knows what can come at us?”

He nodded and urged his horse on. The rest of the squad followed suit, and together, our little unit pressed on, directly behind Hanji’s squad.

|~|

Luckily, we didn’t come across any other Titans on our way down the river. I should’ve been relieved, but I only felt confused. We were on the outskirts of Titan country at this point, just north of where they had invaded Wall Maria. Then why weren’t there more of them?

A few miles east of the river was a small village—one of the first that had been raided when Wall Maria fell. Before the expedition, Erwin had designated it as a place to store supplies for our expeditions. We had a few settlements throughout Wall Maria as well, especially around Trost District. Originally, when we had left Utopia District last winter, we had meant to stock supplies in one of the nearby villages. Because of the snowstorm, that had never happened.

And honestly, I didn’t think Erwin was eager to return to the northern half of Wall Maria after what had happened last time. I couldn’t really blame him—I still had nightmares about those Abnormals hunting me down in the dead of night.

Upon reaching the village, Hanji and I signaled for our squads to dismount and take a short break. Mike’s squad was already on lookout, with Nanaba and Gelgar positioned at the eastern and western sides of the settlement. Up ahead I could see Eld doing the same, with Gunther stationed at the southern end.

I tied Edel up to one of the fences, right next to Hanji’s horse, before following her into the white tent set up. The wagons were being unloaded, and the supplies stashed into the houses nearby. Inside the tent, Erwin was perched behind a table, with the map laid out in front of him. Ness, Mike, and Levi were gathered around him; when our eyes met, I could see Levi’s face soften.

“Any trouble on the right side?”

“Not much,” Hanji reported. “A few Titans here and there, but nothing Major. Captain Wolf and her squad took care of them.”

Erwin nodded before motioning down to the map below. “We’ll rest here before heading further south. The outskirts of Shiganshina should be a half day’s journey—we should be able to get there by tomorrow morning. There's another village just beside the river, closer to the Forest of Giant Trees.” He pointed to the forest marked on the map—a cluster of green trees drawn on the ragged parchment. “We can use that as an additional base, if anything should happen to this one.”

I glanced out through the slit of the tent. The sun was already at its peak in the sky—and it would take hours to finally unload the supplies from the wagons. We wouldn’t be able to head out until later tonight.

“That being said,” he continued, “we’re still in Titan territory. As much as I don’t like staying in one place for too long...” His blue eyes were doubtful. “It wouldn’t be smart to put off establishing a supply base. We'll head back out tomorrow before sunrise. But for now, we’ll stay here. Hanji, you help with the supply wagons. Ness, Wolf, switch out with Mike’s and Levi’s squads at dusk. Send out a flare if you see any Titans nearby. It's important that we _don’t_ lose this base. Is that understood?”

The five of us saluted at once. “Yes, sir!”

“Good. You're dismissed.”

He rolled up the map and headed out of the tent, with Mike at his side. Ness and Hanji followed suit, ready to help the logisticians organize the wagons.

That left me and Levi alone in the tent. And once the white flap was closed behind Hanji, I felt a familiar pair of arms come around my waist.

“You alright?”

It was hard not to smile as he nuzzled my neck. “Levi, I’m _fine_. This isn’t my first expedition, you know. I'm a big girl—I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can,” he replied softly, pressing a kiss to my jaw.

I hummed at the feeling, warmth spilling across my chest. I reached up and pressed a hand to his cheek, drawing him closer to my face. All the while, I kept one eye on the flap of the tent. The last thing I wanted was for Hanji or Erwin, or any of the other Scouts to walk in on the two of us, acting all lovey-dovey with each other.

“Alright, come on.” Begrudgingly, I shifted myself away from him—but not before giving him a final kiss on his cheek. “We should get out there before Erwin sends someone in after us.”

His face scrunched up at the thought. Of course, he was like me—he didn’t want _anyone_ poking their nose into our relationship. Minus Hanji and maybe Erwin, of course, it was for our eyes and our eyes _only_.

“Fine.” He loosened his hands with a huff, finally releasing me from his grasp. “I’ll tell Eld and Gunther to switch out with your squad at dusk.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

When the two of us finally slipped out of the tent, we split up in our separate directions. My squad was already helping Hanji and the logisticians unload the wagons. Wooden crates filled with gas pumps, extra blades, and cans of food were laid out in front of the line of houses. One of the doors was already opened, and the Scouts were starting to store the crates inside.

With a huff, I helped Reggie pick up a heavy crate—probably holding some extra ODM gear—and stashed it inside the house. None of the other Scouts spoke as they continued to work.

Just like I’d thought, the wagons weren’t fully unloaded until dusk—and by then, it was too late to head back out on the trail. As the sun began to settle behind the clouds, I gave Edel a goodnight kiss on his forehead. Once I was certain he was all settled for the night, I turned to my squad. While Reggie and Evan looked wide awake and alert, Gretel and Murphy were blinking the sleep from their eyes. They had taken my advice from earlier and took a quick nap—although, it would still be a while before they fully woke up from it.

“Hertz, Brose, Enns, you stay here and watch the southern end. Mayer, you’re with me. We'll take the northern half. Take turns every few hours, and don’t burn yourselves out. We’ll be on the move again tomorrow at dawn. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

I bit back a smile at the sleepy voices. “Alright. Mayer, come on.” I waved my hand, and she followed me at once.

Eld was perched on the roof of the furthest house on the northern edge, his head drooping and his eyes hollow. But when he saw me and Gretel, his eyes immediately lit up. I gave him a nod, and he leapt down to the ground, no doubt joining Gunther for a few precious hours of sleep.

I settled myself down on the roof, right beside Gretel. As she fumbled with her gear, I allowed myself to get a good look at her.

She had grown in the past two years—she was no longer the arrogant, show-off sixteen-year-old cadet I had chosen for my squad. She was still loud and made her value known to the rest of the soldiers, but she had mellowed out over the years. She still had her sharp tongue, but she took a few moments to think about her words before she actually said them. I supposed I had Evan to thank for that. Ever since the two of them had gotten together, they had both relaxed considerably.

 _I guess that’s what love will do to a person, huh?_ I smiled as I thought of Levi, and how relaxed he had looked last night, before the two of us had fallen asleep. _Yeah, I guess so..._

“I can take the first watch, captain,” Gretel offered, keeping one hand on the handle of her blade. “Why don’t you get some rest?”

But I shook my head. “It’s alright. I appreciate the offer, but I'll be fine. I've got the first watch. You rest up for now. I need you at your best tomorrow.”

I could tell she wanted to object, but she closed her mouth and nodded. With a heavy sigh, she flopped down on her back and stretched her arms and legs out. Within moments, her soft snores filled the air around us.

I bit back a smile. _Apparently her nap from earlier hasn’t worn off, huh?_

The next few minutes passed by slowly. I kept one hand on the handle of my blade, ready to draw it at any moment. My eyes were fixed on the territory ahead, on the nearby river and the forests in the distance. It was unheard of for Titans to attack at night, but it wasn’t impossible.

And besides, Titans weren’t our only enemies out here. I still remembered those prisoners who had attacked us right outside of Utopia District last winter.

A chill ran through my body. What if there were _other_ prisoners hiding out here, just like there were up north? The mere thought made my heart race.

There was a flash of movement out of the corner of my eye. I slid my blade out halfway, whipping my head to the side. The bush near the next house rustled, and a rabbit hopped out. I let out a sigh, relaxing my shoulders slightly.

“So fucking uptight, aren’t you?”

I spun around at the voice, yanking my blade out and holding it out in front of me. Levi held up a hand, a soft smirk etched on his features. My face bloomed with heat when I realized he was alone, standing a few feet away from me on the rooftop. I glanced over at Gretel, who was still sound asleep.

_Sheesh, nothing wakes this kid up, huh?_

“You scared me,” I hissed, slamming my blade back into the sheath.

“I can see that.” His smirk only grew as I glared at him. “What’s your problem?”

“Nothing.” But I still kept my hand on my blade as I turned away, still gazing out into the distance. “Just keeping watch, like I said I would.”

“Hm.”

The tiles of the rooftop crunched beneath his boots. A moment later, a rough but comforting hand closed over my shoulder. I fought the urge to lean into his warmth; Gretel could wake up at any moment. Or worse, one of the other soldiers could see us.

“I don’t like this,” I whispered, stealing a glance at Gretel’s splayed-out form. “I don’t like staying in one place for too long. It just...doesn’t seem right.”

He didn’t say anything, but he tightened his grip on my shoulder. I swallowed hard. He felt the same way, I could tell. But what could we do about it? We weren’t the ones calling the shots.

“You think there are any Titans out there, at this time of night?”

“Maybe,” he murmured, keeping his eyes forward.

“...What about... _people_?”

He jerked his head around, his forehead creased into a glare. “Is _that_ what you’re so worried about?”

Another blush rose up to my cheeks. “...Well, no...”

But I was a terrible liar, and he knew it. With a sigh—and a quick glance in Gretel’s direction—he curled his arm around my shoulders and brought me down. The two of us slid down to the edge of the rooftop, with our legs dangling off the side.

“Listen,” he mumbled, tugging me to his chest, “that was a one-time thing, alright? And those bastards are _dead_. They can’t get to you, alright?” He shifted against me, and before I knew it, his soft lips were against the top of my head, with his nose buried in my hair. “No one’s going to touch you. Not while I’m here with you.”

If it was any other man, the words would have sounded egotistical. But I knew Levi by now. I trusted him with my life, to keep me safe, to protect me from anything the world threw at us. And he kept his word, no matter what. I knew I was safe with him, and if he told me nothing could hurt me when I was with him, I was going to believe him until my dying breath.

“...Hey, Levi?”

But he shook his head and pulled me closer, his warmth enveloping my right side. “Rest up. I'll keep watch for you and the kid.”

“But—”

“I’m not tired,” he insisted with a groan. “I’ll be fine. It's _you_ I'm worried about, alright? Now go to sleep.”

I didn’t have the heart to disagree with him. The events of the day were slowly dawning on me, and my muscles ached from lifting supply crates and slaying Titans all day long. Maybe a few minutes of shut-eye wouldn’t hurt, right?

So I nodded and leaned into his touch, resting my head on his shoulder. “Fine, you win. But wake me up in a couple hours, alright?”

“Yeah, sure. Whatever you say.”

“…Promise?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” he answered with a roll of his eyes. “Now go to sleep. You have to be at your best tomorrow. I don’t want to see any teeth marks in you tomorrow.”

That got a laugh out of me. So I snuggled deeper into his chest, wrapping an arm around his waist. “Fine, you win. Goodnight, Levi.”

He shrugged slightly, his familiar pine scent filling my nose. “Goodnight, brat.”

Needless to say, he never woke me up that night.

|~|

In the hours before dawn, the Scouts were already preparing to leave. The nearby houses were stocked with supplies, and the horses were all bridled up. And just as the first ray of sunlight peaked over the horizon, Erwin led the charge down the river. Hanji and I took our usual spots on the right flank of the formation, the closest to the river.

It wasn’t a long journey to Shiganshina. We had done the bulk of it yesterday. Now, all we had to do was follow the river, pass the Forest of Giant Trees, and we would be right on the outskirts.

Still, I couldn’t shake this uneasy feeling that gripped my chest. It was normal to feel on edge during these expeditions, but this was something else entirely. For some odd reason or another, I felt like something awful was about to happen.

Just for extra measure, I kept glancing back at my cadets every once in a while, to make sure they were still following me. Like hell I would let anything happen to them.

Soon enough, we could see the forest in the near distance. It was unlike any other forest I had seen, with trees taller than most of the Titans we had come across. In fact, some of the trees were just as tall as the Walls themselves, with some even stretching up to eighty meters tall.

Maybe at one point, I could see the beauty in such a forest. It was a miracle they had grown to be so tall in the first place, and I guess in a certain light, they were gorgeous to look at. But all I could think of were the Titans we wouldn’t be able to see if we were forced to take shelter in there.

Suddenly, Reggie yanked on the reins, nearly knocking his horse into Edel. I whipped my head around, my eyes wide as I watched him fumble with his flare gun.

“Hertz, what’s wrong?!”

“They’re coming.” He snapped a red shell into place. “I can hear them. Footsteps—and lots of them!”

I took a breath and strained my ears. At first, I only heard the horses’ hooves and my own heart pounding in my ears. But then it came to me.

A stampede was closing in on us.

“Shit!” I dug my heels harder into Edel’s sides, urging him on. “Let it loose then! Enns, Mayer, prepare for battle! Brose, prepare to run. If we need backup, I’m relying on you to get the message to Commander Erwin!”

The blond boy nodded at once. “Yes, ma’am!”

With a heavy sigh, I slid my blades from their sheaths and held them out. Hanji was up ahead, a few miles away from us. Did she know about the oncoming herd? Which direction were they coming from? How many of them were there?

_Is it already too late to warn her?_

Then I saw them: out of the corner of my eye, advancing from the far right side of the formation. Crossing the clearing and heading straight for the river.

At least seven Titans, all ranging from eight to twelve meters tall. And the worse part? There were even more behind them.

_Fuck! It’s too late to change course. We have to engage in combat. But we can’t hold them off forever, even if Hanji’s squad managed to help us. We’re doomed!_

Reggie raised the flare gun and pulled the trigger. A stream of bright red smoke shot up into the air. Hopefully the nearby soldiers would take the hint and come to aid us.

“They’ll be on top of us in seconds!” Some of the smaller Titans wouldn’t be able to wade through the water, but the eleven and twelve-meter ones? Forget it. “Everyone, prepare your blades and get ready!”

I glanced up ahead, further into the formation. A few shapes were making their way towards us. _Hanji?_ I could only hope.

“Brose, go! Make sure Commander Erwin knows what’s going on! Tell him to send reinforcements!”

“Yes, ma’am!” With a huff, he kicked his horse into gear and bolted off toward the center.

_Well, at least one of them will be safe. Now I just have to worry about the other three._

“Enns, Mayer, focus on distracting them. Hertz, you’re with me. Do _not_ engage right away! There’s nowhere to use ODM gear out here.”

 _Not here. But up ahead…_ That was a different story.

I grit my teeth. I didn’t like the idea, but what choice did we have? I wasn’t going to sit by and watch my cadets die in front of me. Not without giving them a chance to fight.

“Lead them toward the forest. When you get close enough, then you use ODM gear! Understand?”

They all nodded without hesitation—but I could see the fear in their eyes. They were terrified, and I couldn’t blame them one bit. I wasn’t doing much better myself, either.

“Now go!”

Our little squad raced for the forest, further down the crashing river. The early morning sun tinted the water a beautiful orange glow. My heart leapt in my throat at the sight of it.

Hopefully this wouldn’t be the last time I got to see a sunrise.

The shapes ahead of us came into view soon after. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw Hanji and Moblit riding towards us, along with the rest of their squad. Immediately, upon seeing the Titans behind us, Hanji understood my plan.

“Lead them closer to the forest! Then, we take them out here! They’re not getting any further into this formation, understand?! We stop them right here, right now!”

The sound of splashing erupted behind us. I glanced over my shoulder, and my stomach flipped when I saw one of the larger Titans already halfway across the river. The water only reached up to his waist, but he was able to walk through with ease.

“Shit! Pick up the pace, guys! Don’t let them outrun you!”

That got them into gear. With myself and Hanji at the front, our joined squads raced for the forest. Hanji gave me a look, unsheathing her blades from her holsters.

“Where’s the other one? The blond?”

“I sent him to Commander Erwin. Tell him to send reinforcements, if he can. The last thing we want is for the formation to break and get all screwed up.”

She hummed, her eyes glinting behind those shiny goggles. “Let’s hope he can get through. There’s seven here, and at least another dozen behind them. It won’t take them too long to catch up.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of…”

The last thing I wanted was for the Titans to outnumber us, and then we would be long gone. My chest tightened as I thought of Levi and his squad. Surely if they were here with us, we could handle them with no problem at all. But he was on the other side of the formation, far away from us.

_Fuck. We’re on our own, aren’t we?_

“Target approaching!” We were meters away from the edge of the forest. “Engage ODM gear now! Take to the trees!”

I brushed my fingers through Edel’s mane one last time before hoisting myself up on his back. For all I knew, this could be the last time I saw him—the last time I would be able to feel his fur against my hand.

I launched my hooks into the trunk of the nearest tree, and with a grunt, I swung myself up to the closest branch. My squad did the same, and Hanji and her squad followed suit.

I landed on the balls of my feet on the nearest branch. As I straightened myself out, I gazed down at the approaching Titans. If the eight and twelve meters weren’t enough, I could see a couple of four-meter Titans rushing down the edge of the river. Little bastards… It’s almost as if they knew every weakness we had.

I glanced up at the trees around me, up to the dark green canopy above. It would be logical to go further up and hide until they got bored and left us. But we already had a horde on our hands, and I didn’t want to risk making it bigger by putting off combat. Besides, there was no telling whether or not they would ease into the formation—and then everything would be fucked. If they reached the center rank, that was it. We were done for.

“Mayer, Hertz, take out the two on your left! Enns, you’re with me.” At once, Gretel and Reggie swung themselves closer to the edge, and Murphy joined me on the lowest branch. His brown eyes were wide and alert as he nodded to me. “You distract the Titans, and I’ll take them out. You’re faster than the rest of them, so put it to good use, alright?”

He nodded again. “Y-yes, ma’am.”

He was scared, I could hear it in his voice. My throat clenched at the sight of him. Right now, he looked so pitiful and small, barely breaking five feet, even with his growth spurt over the winter months. His reddish-brown hair was tousled from the wind, and his eyes were huge and bright.

Brown eyes… _that glint like amber in the sunlight_.

I shook my head. I couldn’t think about that now. We had a job to do, and _damn it_ , we were going to succeed.

“Here comes the first ten-meter.” Sure enough, the big oaf was lumbering towards the edge of the forest. “You get its attention, and I’ll slice its nape out. Alright?”

“Alright.”

I glanced over to Hanji, who was standing a few branches above me. “Is your squad all set?”

She nodded down to me. “Leave it to me, captain! We’ll be fine!”

I took a deep breath before turning back to the battlefield. No doubt, my squad was more valuable than hers. They were all skilled soldiers in their own right, but they didn’t have the raw talents or natural suspicions that my cadets did. If it came down to it, we were responsible to lay down our lives for them, to protect them with all our might.

_No one’s going to touch you guys. Not while I’m here._

I wanted to laugh. Levi said the same thing to me last night, hadn’t he?

_Oh, well. Doesn’t matter._

“Go!”

As the Titans entered the forest, my squad leapt into action. Murphy zoomed in front of the ten-meter Titan, instantly catching its attention. As it swung its meaty hand toward the boy, I shifted my blades and tore out its nape with one clean sweep. The corpse crumbled to the ground, already steaming on the forest floor.

“One down!” I heard Gretel shout, as an eight-meter tumbled down. She had sliced its ankle, while Reggie went for the nape. “This is easy!”

 _Yeah, let’s hope._ But the other five were quickly closing in on us, and about a dozen more followed close behind.

The next target was a twelve-meter, a bit taller but obviously dumber than the ten-meter. I simply stared at Murphy as he flew in front of its face, its eyes wide with wonder. It only took a second or two to take it down, and once I did, the two of us landed on the branches above, my blades steaming with Titan blood.

“You good?” Murphy was a little shaky on his feet, but he shot be a smile.

At least he didn’t look scared anymore. As long as we kept moving like this, we would be fine. I was sure of it.

“Oh, _shit_!”

My head swerved at Hanji’s voice, just in time to see her land on the branch above us. “The horde in the back—they’ve picked up speed! They’re heading straight for us!”

I pressed a hand to the trunk, peering out of the forest. My heart dropped to my shoes when I realized she was right. At least ten more Titans were racing for the edge of the forest, quickly surpassing the ones that had been in front of them.

“Fuck!” There was no time to shoot off a black flare myself, and I couldn’t ask Reggie to do it. Not when he was preoccupied. “Hanji, send out a flare! Warn the nearby troops! Enns, come on!”

The two of us dropped down again, aiming for the pair of four-meters close to the forest floor. I nodded at Murphy, and he returned it with vigor. Together, the two of us swung ourselves up and sliced out their napes, in perfect sync with each other.

But there was no time to celebrate. More were coming, faster than we could take them out.

And so we carried on, taking out as many Titans as we could. The smaller ones were no trouble at all—but the bigger ones were a different story. One swipe of those huge arms, and Murphy and I would be nothing but bloodstains on the ground.

Eventually, I lost count of how many Titans the two of us had taken out. It was well over a dozen at this point—but they _just kept coming_. When I had a break between kills, I took my usual spot on the branch above, and I leaned up to face Hanji. The poor girl was exhausted, brown hair frayed and goggles splattered blood.

“Where do they keep coming from?!”

“Who knows?” she replied, sounding just as tired as I felt. “Maybe they came from Krolva? That looks like the direction they came from.”

The western district of Wall Rose. It would make sense for them to come from there… But still, it was strange that there was such a huge group of them here at one place.

Then again, Titans were unpredictable. They had strange habits, unknown to us measly humans. And besides, we were _deep_ in Titan country now. It made sense for so many of them to head for the unwelcome visitors.

“Or maybe there was a huge group already here before dusk yesterday,” Hanji continued, sweeping her bangs out of her eyes. “When the sun hit them, they just started moving. Yeah, that makes sense…”

She fell silent, still probably thinking about the Titans.

“Whatever.” I wiped at a blood splatter on my cheek, but it didn’t disappear with the rest of the blood. Huh, I must’ve cut myself. Oh well. “Enns, you ready?”

The poor kid was heaving, but his eyes were as bright as ever. “As I’ll ever be, captain!”

_That’s the spirit. Now don’t you dare die on me._

“Then move out!”

The two of us aimed for the Titan closest to us, a seven-meter with wild black hair and dark feral eyes. As Murphy aimed for its face, I swung myself around and went for the nape. A second later, the chunk of flesh was on the floor, and the two of us were back in the air, leaving the steaming corpse behind us.

“How many more, Hanji?!”

“I can’t tell! A dozen—no, maybe two dozen? There’s a lot!”

“Yeah, no shit,” I muttered under my breath. “Damn it, where the hell are the reinforcements?!”

I perched myself back on the branch, with Murphy close behind. I stole a look at Reggie and Gretel, who were still occupied with the Titans closer to the edge of the forest. Reggie was down to his second pair of blades, and Gretel’s ponytail was undone. Both of them were caked with dirt and blood— _please, let it be Titan blood and not their blood_.

Surely Evan had reached Erwin by now, right? And no doubt, Erwin would send reinforcements back to us, if it meant holding the formation for a little while longer. So then, why was it taking so damn long for them to get here?!

_Did the Titans break through further than we thought? What if the formation’s already broken? What if—_

“Captain, _look out_!”

I barely had time to react before I was falling toward the ground, the wind knocked from my lungs. As fast as I could, I squeezed the triggers and latched my hooks into the nearest tree. I spun around wildly, searching for Murphy. But I couldn’t find him.

“Fuck! Enns, where are you?! Enns—”

My voice died in my throat. There he was, scrambling in a fourteen-meter Titan’s fist, furiously stabbing at it with his blades. The Titan eyed him curiously before raising him up to his mouth.

A memory stirred in the back of my mind, flooding my vision in brief flashes. Blood splatters. Red tile rooftops. Arms around my waist. A storm of blood. Skin bursting open right before my eyes.

A boy with messy reddish-brown hair, and eyes that glinted like amber in the sun.

“MURPHY!”

I was speeding towards him as fast as I could. I couldn’t reach the nape in time—but that didn’t mean I was helpless. I shot my hooks into the Titan’s wrist—the same one connected to the hand it held my soldier in. His eyes were huge with terror, his legs kicking furiously beneath the Titan’s grip.

“Let—him— _go_!”

Adrenaline flooded my veins as I sliced the Titan’s wrist off. Murphy screamed as he fell, desperately trying to free himself. I couldn’t reach him. I was too far away. All I could do was watch as he kept falling, closer and closer to his death.

Suddenly, another figure swiped him out of the air and held him close. With my hooks latched in the tree behind me, I squinted my eyes to see who it was. It hadn’t been Hanji or Moblit—they were still fighting the Titans at the edge of the forest. And it certainly wasn’t Reggie or Gretel.

My heart soared as I recognized Gunther’s relieved smile.

“Don’t worry, captain!” he called out, hugging Murphy close to his chest. “We’ve got your back!”

Shadows sprang up from the far branches of the forest. Five, ten, twenty—so many Scouts, I didn’t know who to look for first. My throat closed up as I spotted Erwin at the center of it all, blades held tightly in his hands.

“Scouts, move out!”

For a moment, I let myself take a breath. We were safe. Erwin was here. The rest of the Scouts were here. And if Gunther was here, that meant _Levi_ was here, too.

And sure enough, I saw him in the near distance, slicing out the nape of a twelve-meter Titan.

_We’re going to be fine. We’re going to make it home. We’re going to be okay._

The fourteen-meter Titan swung its large head at me, its eyes slanting into a glare. The skin of its left wrist was starting to regenerate. I didn’t have much time before it grew back completely.

_Time to finish this._

I sprang off the tree with a scream, angling my blades outwards. With an extra burst of gas, I spun myself around and began to slice my way up the Titan’s outstretched arm, all the way up to its shoulder. I jerked my hips to the side, folding one leg under me and stretching the other one out as far as it could go. Another burst of gas later, I was directly behind the Titan.

_Don’t you **ever** lay a hand on my kids again, you monster! _

That familiar adrenaline rush flooded my body, stretching from the top of my head all the way down to my heels. I gripped my blades so hard I thought they would shatter right there in my palms. A scream tore my throat apart as I brought them down on the Titan’s nape, slicing out the chunk of flesh and flinging it somewhere into the forest.

_Yes! I did it!_

No matter how many Titans I had killed over the years, I still felt a childish thrill whenever I took another down. It was a feeling I would never get used to.

“Oh, no! We’ve got a straggler—stay sharp!”

That was Eld’s voice. I glanced down at him, but he was already preoccupied with a pair of four-meter Titans. Sure enough, springing around on all fours was another Titan, right there in the middle of the forest floor. If it stood upright, I was sure it would make at least twelve meters—maybe even thirteen.

_That one’s mine._

I shifted my blade in my hand and began to fly towards it. Its nape was wide open, ready for me to strike. I turned the blades in my hands, the sharp end jutting out and glinting in the sun. I could end it, in one fell swoop.

But then the Titan turned its head, and I forgot how to breathe.

It leapt up into the air, kicking up its hind legs and flailing its arms all around. Its fist caught on my wire, and before I could swoop away, it locked its teeth around it—and a moment later, the wire snapped in half.

_SHIT!_

My left side dropped immediately, no longer supported by the wire on my waist. I shot my only remaining hook above me, and it snagged on the upper trunk of one of the nearby trees. It caught my body with a jerk, knocking the wind out of my lungs for the second time today. And when I glanced up, the crawling Titan’s eyes were locked on me.

I was dangling in the air, right above its head. An easy meal for it to grab.

My heart leapt in my throat. It was coming closer. I didn’t know what to do. Without both functioning wires, I was rendered useless.

_Shit, shit, shit! What am I going to do?! I can’t propel myself up any further! I only have so much gas left in my canisters! Fuck, I’m so screwed!_

I glanced back down at the Titan. The muscles in its thighs bunched up again, and its meaty fingers flexed against the ground. It was getting ready to pounce once more.

I braced myself for those open jaws—for those sharp teeth and putrid breath. There was no way out of this one.

But it didn’t come.

My eyes flew open just as another body smacked into mine. Muscular arms coiled around my upper body, yanking me up and out of harm’s way. My mouth fell open as Levi held me against his chest, his eyes darker than I’d ever seen them before.

“…Le—”

Then the Titan swiped its arm at us.

Levi grunted against me, wrapping his arms around me and holding me as close as he could. The sound of a wire screeching exploded in my ears as the two of us rolled around in the air. Something warm trickled down the side of my forehead, right down to my cheek.

_Blood? Am I bleeding?_

Suddenly, the two of us froze in the air, and that’s when I opened my eyes. Levi was hanging from one of the upper tree branches, one wire caught in the bark and the other twisted around his arm and leg. He tugged harshly on his arm, but it only made it worse—the wire tensed around him, the steel cutting into his jacket.

“Cut it out! You’re just going to hurt yourself!”

Even in the face of death, I still felt the need to look after him. But why wouldn’t I? I loved him.

There was a tug on my right leg, yanking my hips down his body. My jaw dropped in horror when I saw the Titan below us, its teeth wrapped around my other wire. It was trying to drag me down, to bring me to its level.

_To finally eat me._

Another groan flew past his lips. “ _Shit_ —hold on!”

My hand found his in the tangle of fabric and steel. But it didn’t do any good. The Titan yanked on me again, and I fell further and further down the length of his body.

Still, I held onto his hand—the sole thing keeping me safe from the Titan’s gaping maw.

Tears sprang into my eyes. Was this how it was going to end for me? Was I really going to die here, in this fucking forest of all places, eaten by a Titan with broken ODM gear, no blades, and nearly empty gas canisters? Was this really the way I was going to leave this godforsaken world?

Was I really going to leave without saying goodbye to Levi?

I stared at him through the salt in my eyes. I held my bottom lip between my teeth, refusing to let it tremble. If I was going to go out like this, I would go with dignity and honor. Not screaming and crying as I was eaten alive.

He didn’t deserve to see me like that.

“ _Levi_.”

The Titan tugged again, and my hand slipped from his.

Two burning weights closed over my body. A rotten scent bathed my nose. My eyes snapped open, just in time to see the Titan open its mouth.

_No. Not yet._

I wasn’t ready to die just yet.

My hand flew to my belt, and I yanked my little pocket knife from its holster under my jacket. With a scream, I drove it into the Titan’s cheek, planting both feet on its top row of teeth.

I wouldn’t sit back and allow myself to die. Not without putting up a fight first.

Every jab of the knife brought a cloud of steam, and Titan blood sprayed onto my jacket and shirt. Blood and tears trickled down my cheeks as I kicked it away, trying to get it to back off.

_I don’t want to die. Not yet. Please, not yet!_

My right leg slipped from its place on the Titan’s teeth. I screamed as I slid further into the bastard’s mouth—and even louder as it bit down on my thigh.

Warmth flooded around my upper thigh at once. My voice caught in my throat, and I slapped a hand over my mouth. I gazed up at the canopy above me, searching for the man I loved—hoping, praying that I would take one last look at him, as something to carry with me into eternal darkness.

But he wasn’t there.

The Titan groaned fiercely, sending vibrations along my skin. Its teeth loosened around my leg, and its hands fell from its mouth. I could feel myself falling, as a gush of warmth enveloped my thigh.

Everything around me was muffled. My throat burned. I couldn’t see anything. All I could focus on was the burning pain in my right thigh—the one that felt so, so incredibly warm.

_Am I dying? Is this really it for me?_

My fingers flexed around nothing. I had dropped my knife. It was gone, never to be seen again.

_Damn it. I liked that knife, too. We’ve been through a lot together._

My body thumped against something soft. When I opened my eyes, I could see slivers of sunlight filtering through the dark green canopy.

_Huh. It looks so… **pretty**. _

There was a flash of movement out of the corner of my eye. Suddenly, a familiar face came into view. Her mouth was moving, but no words came out.

_Hanji? Is that you?_

She pressed down hard on my leg, but it still felt warm. Another face came into view, and I almost smiled. I could recognize those overgrown black bangs and silver eyes anywhere.

He was trying to say something too, but I couldn’t hear a thing. His eyes were wide, and his mouth was agape. I wanted to reach up and touch his face, but I couldn’t move my hand.

His mouth kept moving in the same rhythmic motions. _Is he saying what I think he’s saying?_

A muffled voice broke through: _“Don’t die.”_

This time I smiled at him, before gazing up to the sky to watch the rays of light peek through the canopy.

The sun had never looked so bright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing expedition chapters and action scenes has never been my strong suit, but I hope I did this sequence justice. I guess it's just good practice for when we get to the 57th expedition, right? 
> 
> This is another one of those scenes that's been in my mind since I started planning this story. I always thought about what would happen if Mia ever found herself facing death for real, and what the reactions of those around her (preferably Levi) would be. It ends in a weird spot, with Mia (supposedly) passing out from blood loss. The next chapter will delve into her hallucinations and dream-like state, but that's all I can say for now. I'm still writing it, so I don't want to give anything away! 
> 
> Let me know what you think! I'm going to try to have the next chapter up sometime next week, and I'm already halfway done with it, so it shouldn't take me too long. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and I hope to see you for the next chapter! :)


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my awesome readers! Sorry for the cliffhanger with the last chapter, but I'm back with the next one! Also, this is being posted later on than I would've liked, so I apologize for that. 
> 
> As a preface, because it still hits close to home, this chapter deals briefly with sickness and plagues, as a part of Mia's memory. I just want to warn anyone beforehand--I know in these times, no one wants to read those kinds of things! So I don't hold it against you if you don't want to read that section. :)
> 
> With that said, I hope you enjoy!

|XLIX|

_It's cold._

My eyes wouldn’t open. I blinked a few times, but my vision didn’t change. Darkness swallowed the space around me, shielding me in shadow.

_Where am I? Why can’t I move?_

I couldn’t move my arms or legs. In fact, I couldn’t even move my head. I was glued into place, as if a heavy weight was holding me down and pressing on my chest.

And yet, at the same time, I felt weightless. Like I was _floating_.

_What's wrong with me?_

I wracked my brain for answers, to try to remember what had gotten me in this situation in the first place. I remembered the Forest of Giant Trees, and the battle with the Titans at the edge. I remembered Murphy screaming, Gunther catching him, Erwin leading the charge, my wire snapping, Levi’s hand slipping from mine, the Titan’s jaws in my thigh—

And then, nothing. My memories came to a halt, just like that.

Dad had told me about a similar experience, back when he lost his legs in the field. In the weeks following his accident, when he was cooped up in his bed with that damn brown blanket draped over his knees, I had snuck into his room right after one of his naps. Ma was busy folding laundry outside, and Ben and Leyna were busy with their friends. Ma had told me not to bother him, but I couldn’t help myself.

So I crawled into what was left of his lap, and he wrapped his arms around me. I motioned to the stubs his legs now were, and I asked him if it hurt when the Titan bit him.

Surely if Ma had heard me, she would’ve scolded me for asking such an inconsiderate thing. But Dad only shook his head, a smile plastered on his face.

“To be honest, I don’t remember a thing! One moment they were there, and the next they were gone. I didn’t feel any pain. All I remember was floating around, in a place where no one could touch me.”

_Where no one could touch me._

Was I in that place right now? Had my father experienced a similar state, back when that Titan bit off his legs?

My stomach churned. And what about me? Did the Titan manage to bite my leg off completely? Was I going to end up just like my late father, bedbound until an infection came to finish me off?

I glanced down, where I believed my leg was. I still couldn’t see anything, it was so dark. I grit my teeth and wiggled my toes a bit. I could still feel them moving around in my boot.

I heaved a sigh of relief. I still had my leg. Now all I had to do was figure out where the hell I was.

I squinted my eyes against the darkness, praying for them to adjust. I swung my head around, searching for any sliver of light, anything to indicate where I was or what was happening to me.

_Am I dead? Or am I just unconscious? Where are the others? Where are Levi and Hanji, and our squads?_

My heart raced. _Where are my kids?!_

I straightened my body out. Some of my weight was returning to me; I could feel it in my arms and legs. So I stretched out my fingers and angled myself upward. Nothing was under my feet to prop me up, so it was hard to tell if I was actually standing on anything. For all I knew, I was still floating in midair, flailing my arms about.

I still couldn’t see anything. Couldn’t hear, couldn’t smell. Hell, I even opened my mouth to taste the air. Sometimes I could taste the smoke from the factories in Wall Sina or the steam from the washroom in the girls’ barracks. But right here, right now, it was just cold, empty _nothingness_.

I gave a whistle, expecting it to echo. But it didn’t. The air around me swallowed it up, leaving no trace of its existence.

Another sigh left my lips. I didn’t like this. I didn’t like not knowing where I was or where the others were. And more importantly, I didn’t like being on my own. I never did well when I was left to my own devices like this. When I had no one to keep me company, but my own bad memories and doubtful thoughts.

_“Mia?”_

My eyes nearly popped out of my skull. I flung my body around, eyes wide and mouth agape as I searched for the source of the sound. For the owner of that voice.

_I know that voice._

_“Mia, wait up!”_

_There it is again! Coming from the right!_ With a harsh swallow, I took a step toward the voice.

“I’m here.” My own voice was soft and worn out, nothing at all like I was used to. “Where are you?”

There was a pinprick of light in the far distance—a tiny golden dot at the edge of the darkness. That’s when I broke out into a sprint, finally regaining feeling in my legs and feet.

_“Mia, stop it! You’re running too fast!”_

That was another voice, much different than the first. My heart soared.

“I’m coming! Hold on, I’ll be right there!”

The light was starting to fade away. No matter how fast I pushed myself to run, it was still slipping from my grasp, further and further away from me.

I held out my hand, desperate to grab onto it. “ _Wait_!”

There was a flash of light. I squeezed my eyes shut, skidding to a halt and draping my hands over my face.

_“…Mia?”_

The light vanished. When I opened my eyes, I was no longer in darkness. _Or alone._

Standing in front of me was a young girl, about nine or so in age. She stared straight back at me, the wind mussing up her reddish-brown hair, and the sun glinting against her amber eyes.

I knew this girl’s face. I had seen it so many times before, whenever I gazed into the lake behind the base or the mirror in my own office.

_“Mia, don’t run so fast! I don’t want to lose you!”_

The girl turned around just as another familiar face ran up to her. My throat clenched at the familiar blond hair and sparkling blue eyes. Dressed in her usual pink dress and red sweater, Leyna swiped the smudges of dirt off my younger self’s skirt.

 _“You can’t just go off like that,”_ she scolded, already sounding just like our mother. “It’s not safe. Wait for us next time, alright?”

I blinked. Could they see me? Or was I invisible to them? I gazed at my hands, but they seemed normal to me. They weren’t see-through, so I knew I wasn’t a ghost. Then again, neither of the girls were drawing any attention to me. They didn’t even know I was here.

For the first time since the darkness disappeared, I took in my surroundings. All too familiar red-tiled rooftops and dirt paths were all around me. In the distance I could hear voices, both men and women, conversing with each other at the nearby market. The scent of smoke and coal filled the air; as it passed through my nose, my throat tightened painfully.

We were in the back roads of Shiganshina, just a few blocks away from my house.

_My house. I’m home._

Leyna took my younger self’s hand in her own and began leading her away. _“Come on, we have to head home. Ben’s already heading back at the house.”_

This time, my eyes grew warm with tears. _Ben? Where is he?_

The girl in front of me stuck out her bottom lip in a pout. Nevertheless, she allowed her sister to guide her through the dirt paths of Shiganshina, straight for the little house we shared with our parents.

I stretched out my arm. “Wait—”

_Don’t go!_

But the two of them vanished, and the darkness returned once more.

“No, wait!”

My hands trembled at my sides. Where did they go? Where were Leyna and Ben? Where were Ma and Dad?

_I’m not… I’m not **dead** , am I? _

I swallowed hard. Maybe that’s why I had seen my younger self. This was a memory I knew all too well. Was this my life flashing before my eyes? Had I really reached the end of my line, just like that?

The sound of a cough startled me, and I turned around to face it. The darkness gave way once again, revealing the small bedroom of a one-story house, right on the outermost part of Shiganshina District.

My hands flew to my face, in a desperate attempt to hold back my sobs. “Dad?”

Indeed, my father was lying in his bed, with the covers pulled up to his chin, and a cool wet rag draped across his sweaty forehead. He was alone, his face flushed a sickening shade of red and his chest heaving rapidly. His hair, the same kind my brother and I had inherited from him, was matted and damp, splayed across the pillow in stringy reddish-brown locks.

“…Dad?”

He didn’t answer. I stretched out my hand to place it on his, but it fell through his skin at once. Of course I couldn’t touch him. He wasn’t really here—just a figment of my imagination.

A memory that lingered in my mind, until the day I died.

There was another cough in the distance, followed by a chorus of sniffles. Casting one last look at my father—and desperately wishing I could kiss his cheek one last time—I turned away and headed down the hall.

Ma was curled up on the floor, swaddled in three sheets and that brown quilt her mother had made for her all those years ago. Meanwhile, Leyna was splayed out on the couch, breathing heavily and reaching out to the empty air with her tiny fingers. An older man, with dark brown hair and a white cloth pulled up over his face and nose, held a cup of water out to her, and she gulped it down in a few seconds flat.

I remembered this. In the spring of the year 832, a mysterious plague had swept through Shiganshina district, killing infants and elders alike. One out of every five people died from it—and knowing those odds, at no more than ten years old, I feared I would be walking away from this without either a mother, a father, or an older sister.

The man, Dr. Jaeger as I remembered him, had been our main defense against the plague. It was thanks to his brilliance and medical techniques that Shiganshina recovered from the plague at all. I was forever in his debt for saving the lives of Ma, Dad, and Leyna.

But judging by the state my parents and sister were in, this memory wasn’t a happy one. Oh no—the plague was just getting started.

The doctor turned to my mother, who pressed a trembling hand to her forehead. “Where are your other children? They haven’t been exposed, have they?”

She shook her head feebly. “Ben and Mia are fine. We didn’t—” a cough “—we didn’t want them to catch…catch anything.” She coughed violently into the crook of her elbow, and my heart squeezed at her pitiful state. “My…my husband’s sister should be…should be at the gates by now. That’s where…that’s where they are.”

 _Oh, that’s right._ In order to keep me and my brother safe, Ma and Dad had arranged for our aunt Sophia to take us back home with her to Ehrmich District. At least then we would be far away from the plague, and we wouldn’t run the risk of getting infected. Hell, it was a miracle we didn’t get infected alongside Leyna. But our parents didn’t want to risk putting more of their kids in danger.

Still, Ben and I hadn’t been thrilled with the arrangement. Our parents and sister needed us. Our place was here, at home in Shiganshina. Not in some stuffy apartment in Ehrmich District.

But as usual, we had no say in the matter. And sure enough, as I gazed into the bedroom the three of us shared, most of Ben’s clothes and my toys had been removed from the area.

Another painful cough filled my ears. My throat tightened as I made my way back to my parents’ bedroom, where my father still rested, huddled among the blankets of the bed. The memory of seeing him so weak, so helpless, had permanently etched itself in my brain. In all my life, I had never been so scared to lose him as I was in that moment.

Out of all my sick family members, I feared for Dad’s life the most. Ma always got sick, but she always bounced back and recovered within the week. Leyna was young and strong, and tougher than the adults gave her credit for. The two of them could handle this, I was sure of it.

But Dad was a whole different story—and it wasn’t just because of his injured legs, or what was left of them. The sickness had affected him differently, and instead of just a fever and chills and a headache, his whole body went from hot to cold in a flash. Anything he ate he would throw up not even an hour later. When Dr. Jaeger came by our house for the first time, I heard him whisper to himself that he was surprised Dad had lived this long.

That’s why I didn’t want to leave my family. I didn’t want to be carted off to the interior with my aunt and brother. I wanted to stay here, where I could keep an eye on my parents and sister. Where I could help them out if they needed me.

Where I could say goodbye to my father if he didn’t make it out of this alive.

I stretched out my hand and placed it along his cheek. Just as I suspected, my hand fell through, nothing but a shadow against his own. My father stiffened, but he didn’t open his eyes to look at me. For all I knew, a cool breeze could’ve passed by.

The scene around me began to change, the walls of our house falling around me. When I turned around again, I saw the streets of another town—no, a _city_.

I wasn’t in Shiganshina anymore. The roads were paved with cobblestone and lined with fancy shops and stands. Horse drawn carriages made their way up the streets, the horses’ golden coats glimmering in the afternoon sun. Well-dressed men and women scaled the sidewalks and smiled at each other, as they hopped from store to store, chatting about the most recent news in the government. They passed right through me, unaware I was standing right there in the middle of the streets.

This was Ehrmich District. While not as fancy as the capital of Mitras, it was still a city held in high regard. The citizens here were considerably richer than the ones in Shiganshina, or even the ones within Wall Rose. Here, they were safe from the plague in Shiganshina, safe from the threat of the Titans that scratched at the outermost gate of Wall Maria. The same Titans I could hear so early in the morning, as the sun rose over our little house.

Here they were, living a life completely different than mine.

_Where was Aunt Sophia’s apartment again? Wasn’t it in the eastern part of the district? Or no…maybe it was the southeastern?_

I wracked my brain for answers. It had been so long since I’d stepped foot in Ehrmich District, much less visited my aunt who lived there. Finally, with a defeated sigh, I headed down the streets and in the direction I hoped her home would be in.

Aunt Sophia lived in an apartment complex, much like the one my parents used to live in before we moved to Shiganshina. The houses in Wall Sina were extremely pricey, so only a few privileged individuals ever got to live in them. The rest were stashed away in apartment complexes, and while they were nice and cozy in their own right, they were much too cramped for children our age.

Ben and I used to snatch every opportunity we could to get out of the house and explore the district around us. As much as we loved our aunt, we loved the outdoors even more. She understood our curiosity to an extent, but she always scolded us for coming back home with torn sleeves and scratched knees. In fact, one time she had given us a real talking-to when Ben and I had come home drenched in mud and dirt. She didn’t believe for a second that the neighborhood bullies had pushed us into the mud puddles, and instead chalked it up to the two of us being rambunctious and reckless. But Ben and I didn’t mind that day; we had chased down those bullies and pushed them right into a few mud puddles of our own. So it was all even, at the end of the day.

I smiled at the memory. Those days cooped up in Ehrmich District were far from perfect, but Ben and I made the best of them. There was still the constant worry of our parents and sister back home, but Aunt Sophia did her best to take our mind off of that. Of course, it had to be hard for her, too. Her brother was currently fighting for his life, miles and miles away from Ehrmich. And she wasn’t even allowed to visit him to wish him well.

The smile turned bitter in a flash. Dad didn’t deserve to get sick. Neither did Ma, and neither did Leyna. None of them deserved those five months of pure hell, of being locked in their house with only poor Dr. Jaeger to come check up on them every few days. They didn’t deserve to be kept away from me and Ben. Ma and Dad didn’t deserve to be locked away from two of their children, while the third hovered over death’s jaws. Leyna didn’t deserve to have such a serious brush with death, while at the same time, watching her parents suffer around her.

I shook my head and forced myself to keep walking, through the crowd of people that flooded the streets. I couldn’t wait to get out of here—seeing Ehrmich District again and remembering my family’s illness just brought back bitter memories.

Memories that deserved to be locked away and forgotten forever.

I turned the corner, and that’s when I saw it: the familiar apartment complex with a golden-tiled roof. Four stories high and dotted with glistening windows, it screamed of Wall Sina wealth. Not my cup of tea _at all_.

_“Damn it, come back here!”_

A blur of blue and white crossed my path, nearly knocking me to the ground. I dug my heels into the pavement to catch myself from falling, just as another blur of color fluttered past my eyes. But before I could follow them, they disappeared into the crowd of people around me.

_“Damn it! Ben! Mia! Get back here right now!”_

My head swiveled to the side. That voice—I hadn’t heard it in years. And sure enough, my chest tightened as I saw a familiar woman jogging toward me, her brown eyes huge with fear. She was panting hard, unable to keep up with the blurs that had just vanished into the crowd.

_Aunt Sophia._

My jaw dropped as I pieced it together, from her heaving chest to her scrunched-up features. Then that meant…

_Those two blurs were me and my brother._

I turned on my heel and ran through the crowd, not even caring if I was breezing through different people. My eyes were wide, frantically searching for the two kids that had just ran past me. Two small heads, both topped with reddish-brown hair.

And finally, out of the corner of my eye, I found them, cloaked in the shadows of a large store.

_“I’m sick of it!”_

The voice was all too familiar as I approached the alleyway. Curled up against the wall of the store was the girl, pressing her forehead against the rough stone wall. She slammed her fists against the stone, one after the other, grunting with each strike. The boy stood a few feet behind her, wincing as she struck the walls with her fists.

 _“H-hey, cut it out.”_ Tears sprung into my eyes at the familiar voice of my brother. _“You’re going to hurt yourself—”_

 _“I don’t care!”_ the girl screamed, still banging her fists into the stone. Her skin was starting to blister, and little drops of blood began to slide down her knuckles. _“I’m sick and tired of this place already! I want to go home!”_

My throat clenched at her words. Or rather, they were _my_ words. I had said them when I was eleven years old, after three months of being cooped up in this damn city, with no one but my brother and aunt to keep me company.

I took a step forward, joining them in the alley. The rest of the crowd breezed by, not even passing a glance at the pair of children in the shadows. The girl pressed her forehead to the stone, sliding her fist down the wall. She sobbed softly, before clutching the ends of her white sweater and tugging them to her chest.

The boy wasted no time in rushing to her side. She fought against him at first, pressing her bloodied hands to his chest, in a futile attempt to shove him away. But he held her close, pressing his cheek to the top of her head, pulling her into his chest. And soon enough, she gave up and sank deeper into his arms, burying her face in his shoulder.

I remembered this day. Sophia had just finished her weekly shopping at the store, dragging me and Ben along for the ride. Neither of us wanted to go, but she couldn’t exactly leave us back at home. We were still too young to be left on our own.

I remembered why I had run off from her in the first place. Upon exiting the store, I watched as a wealthy family crossed the streets, smiling and laughing with each other, without a care in the world. A husband and wife, and their three children: two boys and a girl.

Maybe I was overreacting, but I was angry. Why could they be together, and my family couldn’t? Why did they get to live in the pristine city of Ehrmich District, in the comfort of Wall Sina? Why did they get to spend their days here, far away from the plague that threatened to take not just my parents, but my older sister, as well? Why were they allowed to go on with their lives without experiencing any sort of hardship? Why did they get to live in here, where they never had to worry about putting food on the table, while my parents often went hungry back at home, just to make sure my siblings and I were able to eat dinner?

It wasn’t fucking fair. And when I brought it up to Aunt Sophia, she hushed me and turned away. And that’s when I lost it and ran off.

 _“I hate this place,”_ my younger self muttered into Ben’s shoulder. _“I wanna go home. I wanna see Ma and Dad and Leyna again!”_

Ben said nothing, but I knew he felt the same way. He just wasn’t as outspoken with his feelings as I was.

Something warm slid down the side of my face. When I reached up and touched my cheek, a drop of water gathered on my fingertips. Was I actually crying?

Of course I was. How long had it been since I had been able to see my brother? Even if this was just a memory, it was enough for me. I hadn’t heard his voice or seen his face in almost three years. The last memory I had of him was his death, of his blood spraying out of that Titan’s mouth in the ruins of Shiganshina. It was nice to see a younger version of him, still innocent and safe from the horrors of the world.

I held my hands out to them, even though I knew I would just faze through them. And sure enough, when I tried to pull both kids into my chest, I nearly fell through them both. No matter how hard I tried, I still couldn’t touch them with my own hands.

_“Stop crying, Mia. You always cry over the little things, don’t you?”_

My eyes snapped open. Suddenly, the kids vanished from my arms, and I was left in darkness once more.

I knew that voice. It was the same one I heard in my dreams, in my memories. The same one that begged me to run and save myself, to leave him behind on that fateful day in Shiganshina.

“…Ben?”

Something brushed against my shoulder. I whipped my head around—and I nearly collapsed at the sight before me.

He smiled at me, his amber eyes shining so bright they looked like the sun itself. His hair was messy and unkempt, just as it always was, with his brown locks tinted with red. He was dressed in his familiar uniform, with a brand new jacket with the twin roses of the Garrison sewn onto the sleeves.

Fresh tears bubbled up in my eyes. I was dreaming now. I _had_ to be. I had seen him die, right there in Shiganshina. I had watched him get eaten by a Titan, watched him burst open like a berry! How could he be standing in front of me, looking as though nothing bad had happened to him?

“Ben,” I repeated, and his smile grew wider. That’s when I lost it completely.

I didn’t faze through him, like I did with the other people in my memories. Like I did with my younger self and Ben’s younger self. He was warm and solid against my fingers. When I realized he wouldn’t disappear, I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him tightly. He returned the hug, his arms coming around my waist and pressing me against his chest.

What was happening right now? Was I really dead? Was that why he wasn’t disappearing? Was I a ghost or a spirit like him now?

“…Am I dead?”

He chuckled against my hair. _“Do you want to be?”_

Not yet. But the idea didn’t seem all that terrible, now that Ben was here with me.

“I’ve missed you.”

He hummed, burying his face in my shoulder. _“I’ve missed you, too. I’m so proud of you, Mia. And I know Ma and Dad are, too.”_

I broke away from him at the mention of our parents. “Where are they? Can I see them?” It had been years since I’d seen either of them.

Ben’s face softened. _“Not right now. They couldn’t come here today.”_

“…What, are you here to deliver me to the afterlife?”

That got a real laugh out of him. _“Not unless you want me to.”_

Was he serious right now? Was he really leaving the decision up to me? But I had no say in whether I died or not. At least, that’s what I had told myself, from the day I joined the Survey Corps with Hanji. Whether or not I died on the battlefield wasn’t up to me. I could prolong it for as long as I could, as long as I trained hard and prepared myself, but in the end, I knew I was going to die.

“But that Titan—my leg!” I glanced down at my thigh, but the bite mark was nowhere to be seen. “It grabbed me. It almost bit my leg off. And then…”

 _That light._ I remembered seeing the sun through the trees, and admiring its beauty. Even though I was bleeding and running out of time, I still smiled at the sight of it.

“…Aren’t I already dead? There’s no way someone can survive that kind of injury. We’re too far away from Trost.” I ran my hands through my hair, casting my eyes downward. “…I think I’m a goner, Ben.”

He remained silent through my little speech. Suddenly, a warm weight clasped over the top of my head, and he began mussing up my hair. My throat tightened at the motion. Oh, how I missed his head pats like this…

 _“Not necessarily,”_ he muttered, a sad smile etched on his face. _“It’s up to you. Do you want to stay here, or do you want to go back?”_

 _Wait, I had that choice?_ “But—”

 _“Think about it, Mimi.”_ I wanted to cry at the old childhood nickname. _“Whatever you decide, I won’t hold it against you. And neither will Ma and Dad. We just want you to do what’s best for **you**.” _

Was he really telling the truth? Did I really have the option to go back to that world, with the rest of the Scouts?

No, that wasn’t the question I should’ve been asking myself. The real question was, did I even _want_ to return to that world?

Ever since I joined the Scouts, I had seen nothing but horror and bloodshed. Comrades were killed right before my eyes, screaming and reaching for their friends as they were stuffed into a Titan’s mouth. Others died horribly slow deaths in the medical wing, from amputated limbs and self-inflicted wounds. Some of them couldn’t even take the pain of their nightmares, and we ended up finding them in the forest the next morning, hanging from a tree with a rope around their neck.

All my life, I had wanted to get away from it all. I wanted a new world, one where I didn’t have to worry about the Titans all the time. One where I could simply relax and enjoy the remainder of my life. And now, I finally had the chance to be in that kind of world.

“…Who else is there?” It was hard to keep my voice steady as I looked him in the eye. “Who would be…waiting for us?”

His eyes softened. _“A lot of people, Mia.”_

My chest stung. That’s what hurt about it: I had lost too many people to count, I couldn’t even name them all.

There was Ma and Dad. Probably my grandparents, too. And maybe my dad’s sister, the one he always talked about. The one who died so young in her life.

Who else would there be? Rosalie and Emmett? If I saw them, would they be able to forgive me for what I had done to them that day? Would they hold it against me, or would they welcome me with open arms?

Maybe I would see Charles, too. Then I could tell him all about Anna and their baby boy. Little Tobias had to be about a year and a half old by now. And what about the other Scouts we had lost over the years? Hanna and Lilly, and Peter, Sebastian, and Elias? Would they be there, as well?

And Isabel and Furlan? What about them?

I pressed my palm to my mouth. More than ever, I wanted to be able to see those two again. They had missed out on so much. I wanted to tell them all about Levi and how he was doing, and how he had been promoted as captain of his own elite squad.

_Wait, Levi!_

My mind flooded with familiar faces—but not of those I had lost over the years. Instead, they were people that were still alive, that were trapped in this hellish world alongside me.

Leyna, my own sister, living in the capital of Mitras. Hanji, my best friend in the entire world. Reggie, Gretel, Evan, and Murphy—my four kids, the ones I swore to protect with my life. Johanna, the woman who had taken care of my mother in her last few days, and the one who still wrote me letters from time to time. And what about Commander Erwin, and Mike and Nanaba? What about Ness and Moblit? They still relied on me. They counted on me to make it home after every expedition.

And Levi. _Oh God, **Levi**. _

The man I was sure I loved with all my heart. The one who made me feel safe and protected, but at the same time, the one who made me feel strong and confident in myself. The one who brought me tea in the dead of night, rubbed my shoulders when they were sore, and planted soft kisses on my forehead whenever he felt like it. The same man who held me in his arms whenever I cried, and woke me up with kisses across my neck in the morning. He knew me inside and out by now, and he trusted me enough to show that sweet, vulnerable side of his. And in return, I did the same for him.

I couldn’t leave him. Hell, I couldn’t leave any of them behind in that world! Leyna still needed me. Sure, we were in a rough spot right now, but I wasn’t about to leave her alone in that Titan-infested world. We still needed each other—we were sisters, after all. Nothing would ever change that. And Hanji? I had promised her time and time again that I wouldn’t die on her, that I wouldn’t turn my back on this life. What kind of friend would I be if I broke that promise and never came back to her?

The Scouts needed my strength. My kids, _my squad_ , still needed me to lead them. I still remembered Reggie’s tear-stained face in my office that day, after I returned home from that awful winter expedition last year. I promised him I would protect him. That I wouldn’t leave him alone to fend for himself.

I lifted my head and stared my brother in the eye. I knew my answer already.

“I’m sorry, but I have to go back. They still need me.” _Please understand_.

After all these years, I finally had a chance to be with Ben and the rest of my family again. And it felt like I was throwing it all away. But I knew my place wasn’t here. It was back in that world with those Titans, with those soldiers I had pledged to protect. There were people back there who still needed me, and I wasn’t going to let them down.

Ben nodded slowly. Maybe it was a glimpse of the light, but it looked like his eyes had filled with tears.

_“I get it. That sounds just like you, Mimi. I shouldn’t be surprised at this point…”_

Before I knew it, his arms were around me again, and he held my head against his chest. I strained my ears, hoping to hear the faint thrum of his heartbeat.

But there was nothing. Just dead silence.

That’s when I knew I couldn’t stay here. This place, as wonderful as it seemed, was a fantasy. A dream. And I didn’t belong here. At least, not yet. I still had unfinished business back in the real world.

“Tell Ma and Dad that I love them,” I mumbled into his jacket. “Tell Charles that Anna and Tobias are fine. Tell Rosalie and Emmett that I’m sorry. And tell Isabel and Furlan…” I swallowed hard. “…Tell them that Levi and I think about them every day.”

He stifled a laugh against my hair. _“Anything else you’d like me to pass on?”_

I rolled my eyes, desperately trying to hold back my tears. “No, I think that’s it. If there’s anything else, I’ll let you know.” I tightened my grip on his shoulders, bringing him in as close as I could. “Oh, and one more thing. About that day, when Levi…”

But he shook his head. He seemed to already know what I was about to say. _“It’s alright. I don’t hold it against either of you. If anything, I’m glad he saved you that day. He protected you when I couldn’t. Keep him close, alright?”_

If it was even possible, I hugged him even tighter. “I will. …I love you, Ben.”

His lips pressed against the top of my head. _“Love you, too, Mia. Now go back out there. I think they’re waiting for you.”_

The darkness was coming back, closing in all around us. I gave him one final squeeze before pulling myself away. It was hard to meet his amber eyes, but I managed to do it. At least I was able to talk with him, even for just a few precious moments.

“See you soon.”

He squeezed my hands with his own. _“Yeah, see you soon.”_

But his eyes said something different: _Not too soon_.

I held onto his gaze as long as I could, until the darkness swept over us. And all the while, I held onto his hand, until it vanished from my grasp altogether.

|~|

It took me a while to come to my senses. At first, all I could see was darkness, and for a moment, I was worried that I had died after all. But then my eyes opened, and I felt at ease once more.

I wasn’t in the medical wing, back at the Survey Corps base. No, I didn’t recognize this place at all. The walls were a stark white color, decorated with little shelves that held spare bandages and bottles of pills and alcohol. The room was silent, save for a few soft hums in the far distance. Must be the night nurses tending to the patients in the other rooms.

It was dark outside, with the full moon standing brightly against the night sky. The air was cool, but the sheets around me were warm, albeit a bit scratchy. My right thigh was throbbing, but when I wiggled my foot, I could still feel it beneath the blankets. At least I still had my leg, even though my thigh was practically on fire right now.

Both of my hands were resting on the top of the sheets—but one felt warmer than the other. So I glanced down to find out why.

My right hand was covered with someone else’s, their fingers closed over my knuckles. I followed their arm up to their face, and I bit back a smile when I realized who they were.

Levi was hunched over in the chair beside the bed, with his elbows perched on his knees, and one hand on his forehead. His other hand was draped over mine, and every now and then, he would give it a gentle squeeze with his fingers. He kept his eyes down, and his black bangs hung so far down that I couldn’t see his face at all.

He wasn’t dressed in his usual military uniform; instead, he wore that handsome black suit that I always loved to see on him, complete with his usual gray shirt and the black jacket I had bought for him all those months ago. His cravat rested on the edge of the mattress. To be honest, it was a little weird seeing him wear the suit without it. But he still looked handsome all the same.

As gently as I could, I shifted my hand beneath his. And when he tilted his head up and met my eyes, it took every bit of willpower I had not to burst into tears.

“Levi?”

He didn’t say anything at first. He just continued to stare at me, his eyes wide and his lips parted slightly. Honestly, I was starting to get worried.

“Are you okay? I—”

I snapped my mouth shut as he leaned back down on his elbows, curling his hand beneath my own and lifting it up to his face. His lips brushed over my knuckles, kissing them one at a time, before pressing them against his forehead.

“Stop it,” he mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut. “ _I’m_ the one who should be asking _you_ that, dumbass.”

I stifled a laugh. “I guess so…”

He kissed my hand again, more forcefully than before, holding it in place against his lips. I stretched my fingers out and touched his cheek, and at once, he held my hand against the side of his face. His skin was warm and soothing against my own.

“How are you feeling?”

“…Like shit,” I replied honestly. “My thigh hurts.”

“Figures,” he mumbled back. He glanced down at the lump of skin beneath the sheets, still keeping my hand on his cheek. “Do you remember anything?”

I wracked my brain for an answer. I remembered the battle in the forest, and the swarm of Titans that descended on us. I remembered saving Murphy, the arrival of the other Scouts, Levi saving me from falling, and my hand slipping from his.

That was it. The moment that Titan bit down on my leg, my vision went black.

“I remember enough. How long has it been since then? Is everyone alright?” My eyes widened at the thought of my kids. “What about my squad? Are they okay? Are they safe and—”

“Wolf, calm down.” He pressed down on my shoulders, keeping me against the mattress. “They’re fine. All four of them made it back. Hanji and Erwin are keeping an eye on them back at the base, aright? You don’t have to worry about them.”

Maybe not, but I wouldn’t be convinced until I saw them with my own eyes. “Fine, then. How many days has it been?”

This time, Levi diverted his eyes from mine. “About four days.”

My eyes went wide. Four days?! I had been out for that long? But it only felt like I had been out for a couple hours. How could that equate to four days?!

“We brought you back as soon as we could. Gretel and Hanji helped bandage you up, but it would only last for so long. When we got back to Trost, we handed you off to the doctors, and they stitched you back up.”

Oh, that explained the change of scenery. I was still in the hospital in Trost District, still miles away from the Survey Corps base. No wonder I didn’t recognize my surroundings.

“…At least I didn’t lose my leg, huh? That wouldn’t have been good…”

But Levi didn’t laugh along with me. Instead, he lowered his gaze and loosened his grip on my shoulders. He sat back down in his seat, and when I began to sit up to follow him, he pressed down on my chest to keep me in place.

“Stay still. You don’t want to injure yourself any further.”

Something was wrong, I could see it in his eyes. I knew he wasn’t the type to fawn over me and get physical, but I could tell he was trying to keep his distance. But why? Why did he feel the need to stay away from me like this?

“What’s wrong?” It was hard to keep my voice steady. “You’re not acting like yourself.”

He didn’t answer me. The lump in my throat only grew as I watched him stare down at the floor, his other hand curling into a fist on his knee.

“Come on, tell me. I can’t help you out if I don’t know what’s bothering you.”

Memories of our pre-relationship days were flooding back to the front of my mind. Of all those stupid fights we used to have, just because we couldn’t communicate properly. I didn’t want a repeat of those days. I wanted to work this out with him, to find out what was making him upset. I was here to help him, after all. We were here to help each other. And we couldn’t do that if one of us refused to be honest with the other.

“Levi.” My voice was firmer this time. “Tell me what’s bothering you.”

He tilted his eyes up to meet mine, and I nearly jumped at how dark they were. I could no longer see that beautiful shadow of blue around his pupils.

“How can you act so fucking casual?” His voice was harsh, and it was hard for me not to flinch at the sound of it. “You nearly got your leg bitten off. You could’ve _died_ , Mia. How can you still smile and act like everything’s okay?”

Where the hell was all of this coming from? He was used to seeing injuries like this all the time. We _all_ were. It was just a part of life in the Survey Corps. We grieved, we suffered, and then we moved on. Why wouldn’t he think I’d do the same?

But then I thought back to the accident itself, before the Titan grabbed me and stuffed me in its mouth. Levi had been hanging from the tree, tangled up in the steel wires, trying his best to hold onto my hand.

And I had slipped and fallen. Right into that Titan’s grasp.

He didn’t…he didn’t blame himself, did he? But it was an accident! It was a common thing to happen on the battlefield. Surely he couldn’t be holding himself accountable for something like that, right?

But the look in his eyes confirmed my suspicions. Deep down, he was beating himself up over this.

“I let go of you.” He ran his fingers through his hair again, turning his head away from mine. “I let you fall. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be in here right now.”

“Shut up.” I couldn’t help it. I was _pissed_. “Don’t go blaming yourself for that. It’s not your fault, so stop acting like it.”

“Oh, it’s not?” He turned back to me with a sneer, his eyes dark with fury.

“No, it’s not. Shit happens, Levi. Sometimes we have no control over it. So no, it’s not your fault. _I_ let go of _you_ , remember?”

“Bullshit. I should’ve held onto you tighter.”

“And what if you did, huh?! Then that Titan would have eaten us both!”

It was hard to keep my voice at a moderate volume. Hopefully the nurses outside weren’t listening in on our conversation. This was for Levi’s ears only. He had to know he wasn’t at fault for what had happened that day.

“Listen, you did your best. When my wire snapped, you _saved_ me. And if it weren’t for that Titan, we would’ve both gotten out of there in one piece. It just happens, and you have to learn to accept it.”

How many soldiers had I watched die over the years? How many had been killed from the swing of a Titan’s arm, or stomped into the ground until they were nothing but a bloody pulp? These things happened, and they were out of our control, as frustrating as it was. But we had to make the best of it and move on with our lives. At least, that was what our fallen comrades would want.

“It shouldn’t have to happen in the first place,” he growled, turning away from me. As always, he was being such a stubborn prick.

An awkward silence settled over the two of us. Finally, when he spoke again, he brought both hands to his lap and curled them tightly together.

“…Maybe this isn’t working out.”

_…What?_

My stomach churned as his words sank in. “W-what do you mean?”

He didn’t look at me as he answered. “This was a bad idea from the start. I wasn’t thinking back then… Maybe it’s best if we stay away from each other for a bit.”

He wasn’t talking about _breaking up_ , was he? No, that was silly. Surely he wouldn’t break it off over something so stupid and common, right? Everyone got hurt one way or another on the field, so it was silly to assume it wouldn’t eventually happen to me.

“Levi—”

“What?” He snarled, turning his eyes back to me. “What is it, Wolf? Don’t tell me you haven’t given it any thought.”

He was wrong. I hadn’t. Like the stupid little girl I was, I never once thought about what could happen between us that would lead to us calling our relationship off. And even if I had, a stupid injury like this one certainly wouldn’t be on my mind.

“You’re being irrational. We can work this out, I know we can!”

“Damn it, Mia, you almost _died_ because of me! Because I wasn’t strong enough to save you!”

A chill ran down my spine at his words. So that’s where it was all coming from. He blamed himself, and therefore he didn’t feel worthy enough to be around me anymore. He didn’t feel as though he could protect me, like he always promised to do. So the only way to do so, at least in his mind, was to distance himself from me and break off whatever relationship we had.

It made sense, but I wasn’t about to agree with him. Not by a long shot.

He squeezed his eyes shut, but before he turned away, I could see a flash of silver at the corner of his eye.

_No. He’s not winning this argument. Not this time._

“Look at me.” He refused, and my eyes grew warm. “Levi, _look at me_!”

When he didn’t, I sat up in the bed, wincing at the flare of pain that shot through my thigh. As he turned around to face me, I pressed both palms to his cheeks and brought him in for a fierce kiss.

His hands came up to rest on my upper arms, and for a moment, I feared he would try to push me away. But instead, he brought me in closer, with our chests nearly touching. I dug my fingers into his hair, scraping my nails against the scruff of his undercut.

When I pulled away, I kept his face right in front of mine. I grasped his chin in my hand, firm but gentle all the same. He was not going to get away from me this time.

“I don’t blame you for this stupid injury, and I never will. You did what you had to do. It was an accident, that’s all. And we’re both here now, alright? We’re going to be okay.”

But I knew my words could only go so far. Yeah, the two of us made it back this time, but what about the next expedition? What if I got injured again, or what if Levi did? There was no guarantee that we would be safe from that. Death came for everyone, at some point or another. It was inevitable, but that was just a part of being in the Survey Corps.

But I accepted my death the moment I admitted my feelings for him. I was concerned with the here and now, and right now, all I wanted to do was hold him.

I gazed into his eyes, hoping to see some sort of light flash through them. I wanted him to realize that I was okay, that I didn’t hold that day against him. It wasn’t his fault, and no matter what, I would never be convinced that it was.

But there was nothing. He just continued to frown at me, his eyes a dark gray shade.

“Please,” I whispered, leaning my forehead against his own, “I don’t want to lose you over something so… _insignificant_.”

He reached up and covered my hands with his own. “Your life is _not_ insignificant, brat. I thought you knew that by now.”

But before I could reply, there was a soft creak at the door. Levi and I broke away at once, just in time to see one of the nurses come into the door.

“Oh, good! You’re finally awake.” She turned to Levi, a shy smile playing on her lips. “Um, excuse me, sir? Would you mind stepping out for just a moment? I have to check her vitals and see how the wound is doing.”

He nodded and raised himself up from his seat. But before he could walk away, I reached out and grasped his wrist in my hand. He peered down at me through those overgrown black bangs as I stared up at him with watery eyes.

“Don’t leave me.”

He gave my hand a squeeze before turning away from me completely. But I still heard his voice, even as he started to walk away.

“I’m not planning on it.”

Then he was gone, leaving me alone with the nurse in the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, the angst. A lot of you hit the nail on the head in your comments--Levi is absolutely feeling guilty over what happened! And now he thinks the only way to protect Mia is to keep his distance, and like hell she's about to let him get away with that! 
> 
> Writing Mia's reunion with Ben was just something that came up at the last minute when I started planning out the chapter, and I felt she needed it badly, so I kept it in. Whether or not it actually is Ben or just her hallucinations is up to you. Either way, I think it gave her the strength she needed to continue living. She's lost so many people, but she also has to remember the people around her in the present. And that's what sends her back to the real world in the end. 
> 
> Also, as a side note, I'm not a medical professional (lol) but I'm going to try to be as accurate as possible when it comes to Mia's injury. With that said, let me know what you guys think, and I hope to see you for the next chapter! I'm going to try to have it posted sometime next week, but I'll keep you guys updated if anything changes. Thank you so much for reading! :)


End file.
